A couple of years ago Priscilla Palmer started a Personal Development list, with the idea of linking in every site that people thought  worthy of being featured. Being on that list was a great help to me in getting this blog off the ground.

Priscilla also started to put together a book, inviting submissions to build a great Personal Development resource. I think it fair to say she then hit a few buffers in her own personal life and this particular project got shelved.

I'm happy to say Priscilla is now well and truly back – now as Priscilla McIntire. She has revised and restarted a new list and finally launched the ebook – Personal Development Kaleidoscope.

I've added a few names of my own to the list – Heather Bestel, Henrik Edberg, Chris Cade, Mike King & Vincent Tan. I hope you enjoy looking through them. Please post them on your own blog or site and suggest any new names to Priscilla. 

Abu Aremu Positive Self Talk Guide

Adam Kayce Monk at Work

Adebola Oni Naija Motivation

Al Ramsey 7pproductions.com

Alex Shalman Practical Personal Development

Angela Lord at Angelalord.com

Arthur Hung & Jason Fonceca Spiritentient

Cheryl Ragsdale That Girl Is Funny

Chris Cade Think without the box

Chris Marshall Martial Development

CK Reyes My Coaching Works

Cinderella S Kelley Kroh The Krohs Nest

Cindie Wilding Answers From Within

Corrinne Edwards Personal Growth with Corinne Edwards

Craig Harper Motivational Speaker – Craig Harper

Crystal Silver CrystalSilver.com

Daniel Sitter Idea Sellers

David Rogers How to Have Great Self Confidence

Dawn Edwards Second Hand Roses

Dawna Jones Management-Issues

Diane Brandon Diane Brandon.com and Diane Brandon.net

Dr. Susan R. Meyer, Ed. D. Life Work Cafe

Dr. Venerina Conti VenerinaConti.com

El Baugher at http://www.thesmilingspirit.com/

Ellie Walsh at Living the Law of Attraction

Frank Butterfield Life Unfolding Beautifully and 68 Second Videos and Re/Transformation

Gamy Rachel Mind Think Success

Gary Evans Good To Feel Good

Gleb Reys Personal Development Ideas

Gregory Allen Butler holistic-personal-development.com

Heather Bestel a little bit of me time

Henrik Edberg The Positivity Blog

Isabella Mori MoriTherapy

Jacklyn Ker Inspiring and Empowing Lives

Jeanette Maw Good Vibe Coaching

Jeanne May Goals and Aspirations

Jeff ‘Yoopersmith’ Smith Shift-Your-Consciousness

Jennifer Mannion JennyMannion.com

John Sadler Bitesize Marketing NLP

Jonathan Fields Awake At the Wheel

Jonathan Wells Advanced Life Skills

Jordan Rosenfeld Make a Scene

Judy Kinney Dream and Flourish

Judy Martin The Work/Life Monitor

Justin Wolsey Riggs Easier Method

Kaya Singer Awakening Business

Karen Putz A Deaf Mom Shares Her World

Lexi Sundell Energies of Creation

Liz Strauss Successful Blog

Lori Painter at Inspire2act

Lorraine Cohen Powerfull Living

Lyman Reed Free Personal Development Material

Lynn Solarczyk Livingloa

Luciano Passuello Litemind.com

M. Farouk Radwan 2knowmyself

Mel Kaye Monday Morning Power

Melissa Goerke Melissa Thinks Out Loud

Marelisa Fábrega Abundance Blog at Marelisa Online

Meryl K. Evans Meryl.net

Michele Woodward Lifeframeworks.com

Michelle Vandepas Conscious Destiny

Mike King Learn This

Mohammad Shafi’e Ultimate Secrets of Success

Neil Sattin NeilSattin.com and Natural Dog Blog

Patricia Schiavone Thriving Together, AtoZEdit.com and Attracting The Best

Patricia Singleton Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker

Phil Gerbyshak PhilGerbyshak.com

Priscilla McIntire at Personal Development Demands Success

Rachel Rofe at Rachelrofe.com

Rahul Bhambhani Take-20.com

Robert Henru Reason4Smile

Robert Higginson Robert Higginson

Robin Skeen Robin?s Reflections

Rod Smith Difficult Relationships

Sam Kotadia MindSportLive.com

Scott Ginsberg Hello, My Name Is Blog

Scott H Young http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/

Sharani Robins Sharani Girl on a Road

Sherri Joubert Being The Change I Wish To see

Shauna Arthurs Follow Your Path and Breathing Prosperity

Slade Roberson Shift Your Spirits

Sonia Simone Remarkable Communication

Steven Aitchison Change Your Thoughts

Sugandi Iyer Life Business Creations

Thea Westra MyForwardsteps.com and TimeForMyLife.com

Tina Su Think Simple Now

Todd Goldfarb We The Change

Vincent Tan Health money success

Vivienne Quek Versa Creations

Zorka Hereford Essential Life Skills

Zubli Zainordin Your Wisdom of Total Happiness

I have only read bits of the "Personal Development Kaleidoscope" – and having contributed a chapter I reread that first! So its hard to recommend unconditionally, but I'm sure you'll find it great value.

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Earlier this week I read a blog post Building Self Esteem by personal development blogger Alex Shalman.  I've followed Alex for a while, taking part in his happiness project about 18 months ago.

Alex has just started dental school – good luck to him as dentistry is a total turnoff to me!  But he was reflecting on a class where his tutor defined self esteem as:-

…it’s a feeling that you are a valuable human being by possessing a quality that makes you such. This could be for a number of reasons, including but not exclusive to, having a skill, talent, job, relationship, helping people, being attractive, etc.

Do we have to possess some quality to make us valuable? If someone spends all day at home watching TV, with no interaction with others, does that mean they have no value? And by this definition, low self esteem?

If you do a search on Twitter for "self esteem", the main attributing reason people describe their self esteem as low is through how they look.  Unfortunately many deem themselves unattractive – thats why the Dove video looking at image manipulation was so effective.

But whether we agree with it or not "being attractive" is a measure people use to feel good (or not) about themselves. Likewise the other reasons listed in the definition are things people commonly draw on to feel they are worthy.

Other Definitions of Self Esteem

There are many definitions of self esteem. Nathaniel Brandon, one of the leading writers on self esteem says:-

"the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the challenges of life and as deserving of happiness"

The California Task Force on Self Esteem came up with this definition:-

"Appreciating my own worth and importance and having the character to be accountable for myself and to act responsibly towards others."

English Oxford Dictionary is briefer

"a favourable appreciation or opinion of oneself."

 

I feel these also somewhat miss the point. To me what is fundamental is that we accept ourselves unconditionally.  Our self worth should not be dependent on superb looks, great achievement  or being highly skilled.  The opinions of others about us – whether critical or praising – should not affect our self esteem.

So my favourite definition of self esteem is:-

"unconditional appreciation of oneself."

This helps us stop being dependent on the judgement of others.  Unconditional appreciation involves accepting ourselves as we are – "warts and all" as the saying goes. We all have amazing abilities and potential as human beings.  We overlook the fact we have the capacity to think in complex ways – compared with other species. But rather than think we just worry about the appearance of a small spot on or other trivia!

The problem is, most people don't see self esteem this way. The definition at the start of this post  is probably closer to how most people measure  themselves.

Why are you Worth Feeding?

What origionally got my attention was this question posed by Alex's tutor to try and find your "qualities".  In a sense, this is a natural progression from his definition. To feel good about ourselves, we must have contributed in some way. Done something, have something, said something.

In a way this question reinforces the flaw of looking at self esteem in this way. Because for some it would be very easy to come up with no good reason to be worth feeding.  I have written before on the link between self esteem and depression – I've heard it argued that persistent low self esteem is little different to clinical depression.

What do you think? If my favoured definition unrealistic, do people automatically measure themselves by their qualities?  And should our aim be to ensure we are worth feeding, rather than change our thinking to unconditional appreciation?

Photos by meddygarnet and audreyjm529 on Flickr

Follow me on Twitter http://twitter.com/David365

I’ve mentioned the Dove Self Esteem Campaign before, I think in Self Esteem Exercises.  Its easy to be cynical about their motives – at the end of the day they are still marketing soap!

But as various surveys always seem to conclude that the majority of teenage girls want to change the way they look, then their campaign has merit. Dove say they are:-

"very commited to freeing the next generation from self-limiting beauty stereotypes"

That might be rather optimistic, as those stereotypes are deep seated and constantly being reinforced. Its been around for a while, but I only saw this video the other day. Personally I think its quite powerful, and says a lot in 75 seconds. What do you think? Have Dove helped women improve their self esteem?

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Self Esteem is Flowing in South America?

Congratulations to Rio de Janeiro on being selected to host the 2016 Olympics. it sounds as if the whole of Brazil, indeed the whole of South America has benefited. Asked what he thought the legacy of the Rio Games would be, the Governor of Rio State, Segio Cabral, said:-

“That they would have self-esteem. Self-esteem for the people of Brazil and the whole continent of South America.”

Wow!   So the International Olympic Committee has the power to bestow self esteem on a whole continent! I’m sure that will inflate their already huge egos even more.

Whilst there may have been a bit of British smugness and pleasure (we did beat  Paris after all!) when London was chosen to host 2012, I’m sure there was no collective rise in national self esteem. And, inevitably, there is now a great deal of  negativity about the impending Olympics.

"Self esteem is what I think and feel about myself and not what someone else thinks or feels about me."  ~ Nathaniel Branden 

So I’m sorry to doubt Governor Cabral, but I think he needs to look for his legacy elsewhere.

To have healthy self esteem its important to disassociate your opinion of you, your self image, from the opinions of others. So long as your self esteem is "externally" based, it will be at the mercy of any critical comment. What anyone thinks of you becomes a fact to absorb rather than left as what it is – their opinion.

"If rejection destroys your self-esteem, you’re letting others hold you as an emotional hostage." ~ Brian Tracy

Build Self Confidence through Swimming?

I’ve recently started swimming lessons – I can swim, but cannot "crawl" without gasping for breath after a few yards. Unsurprisingly the level of ability within the class is quite varied. None of us will be contenders for 2012, but a couple seem really good and in need of less instruction.

What surprised me was was how one lady I talked to was quite scared of being the class "dunce", being labelled as the one who was holding everyone back. My response to her was:- by paying money for someone to teach us to improve our skills, we’re saying "I need help here".  Why turn that positive step upside down and worry about someone elses opinion – especially when no-one had even expressed that view!

The teacher admitted on the first lesson to being under prepared and somewhat worse for wear (it was early Sunday morning!). She obviously wasn’t worried about creating a good impression or us having a good opinion of her!

Perhaps I should give my new swimming colleague a copy of my ebook, Self Esteem Exercises? Writing this has just reminded me, when I did a sponsored sea swim a couple of years ago, I finished last. I was still proud to have finished and it didn’t occur to me to think my achievement was any less than those in front.

Connect with Confidence

The buzz word given in the numerous article and books on how to succeed on sites like Twitter or Facebook, is to "connect", or build relationships. And rather than try to push some marketing message, build that relationship by seeing what you can do for the other person first.

Whether or not you use any of these sites, its worth reflecting on how you connect off-line.  When you answer the phone, do you just say "Hello" – or "Hello, this is David, how can I help you?" (assuming you are also called David!).

If meeting someone for the first time, do you shake their hand firmly and say "Hello, I’m David, pleased to meet you" or just smile weakly and avoid eye contact?

Get in the habit  of greeting the world with confidence. First impressions count, and if you give off an air of confidence from the outset it won’t do you any harm.

Photos by Kabatology,  Crucsou-Barus,  Santarosa on Flickr

Follow me on Twitter http://twitter.com/David365

If you don’t have any bad habits you can skip reading this.

You’re still here. Good! You’ve taken the first step in identifying your bad habits by admitting you have them. They didn’t seem so bad at first. The bad habits were just insignificant and you could break them any time you want. You’ve heard about the guy who could stop smoking anytime he wanted. He’s done it many times.

Habits, by their nature are comfortable and easy to slip into. Bad habits have a way of doing that – getting easier. Bad habits are a lot like drugs, they’re addictive and you find a way to rationalize them.

In a comment on a past post I noted that 85% of what we do each day is "unconscious". I have no idea where I got that statistic from, but even if wide of the mark it illustrates how much we rely on habits to cope with our daily lives.

Which Bad Habits Undermine Self Confidence?

The question is, of course, how much of your low self esteem or self confidence is down to bad habits. In my  ebook, Self Esteem Exercises, I go into more depth about our bad thinking habits and how these can undermine our self esteem. But there are many other bad habits to look out for

1. Saying no to anything outside your comfort zone

    

2. Using any food stuff or substance to make yourself feel good, rather than building your self esteem naturally

    

3. Avoiding eye contact, slouching, and other aspects of poor body language

    

4. Speaking with a mumbling, low tone of voice

    

5. Feeling you have to be perfect in everything you do

    

6. Procrastination!

    

When you’re ready to take back control of your life and do away with your bad habits then go through these points and questions :-

Admit to having the habit,

Write it down,

Be specific.

How much do you indulge in this habit and how does it affect your life? The longer you’ve been addicted to the bad habit the more difficult it will be to give it up. All the more reason to get started now.

If the habit costs you money, determine how much it has cost you over the years and how you could have better spent that money. The bad habit may not just hit you in the wallet but your physical and emotional health as well. It could be preventing you from achieving your goals and dreams for a better life.

Bad habits waste money, strength and time. They eat away at your mind until you find a way to live with them rather than kick the habit.

Start Some Good Habits

Now, write down good habits that you want to acquire. This could be just the opposite of your bad habit. The bad habit could be drinking too much in front of the TV. The good habit could be to stop drinking and spend more time outside with the kids or at the health centre.

Give yourself a time limit when you say out with the bad and in with the good. Put the list of good habits in a place where you see them every day. Bad habits are easy to form but good habits come hard. You’ll need all the help you can get and if they’re staring you in the face every day the positive constant reinforcement will begin to work wonders.

You’ll feel uncomfortable at first but like nourishing a bad habit the good habits will get easier too. Change your routine and stay away from any thing, place or person that might tempt you. Replace that empty feeling as the bad habit leaves your body with something that feels good and is good.

As I said in my last post on achieving goals  – habits are very comfortable. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, but don’t forget those with similar habits may not make good coaches or supporters!

You can become a slave to bad habits or good. The choice is yours to make today.

Photographs by nasrulekram and montageman on Flickr

September 23rd is an important day as it marks the 100 day countdown of 2009. I’m sure as I get older, the years past faster – or is it because our habits and routines become more ingrained?  This video is promotional, but I think a great way of looking at the way we live day to day:-

Is that you? I’d be first to admit I can see a bit of me there. Unfortunately habits are very comfortable. As I’ve said before, building self confidence requires stepping outside your comfort zone.

Are you going to finish 2009 with a Bang?

Gary Ryan Blair, who narrates the video, has created a challenge that centres on "finishing 2009" strong. I should add that its also centred on selling a product, but like a lot of these launches gives a way some good free stuff along the way.

I’ve downloaded his free ebook "How to Create Your Own Big Bang!", which like the video has some interesting perspectives and useful content.

Gary asks a number of questions for you to consider as you progress towards the end of 2009:-

1. What specific results have you achieved so far this year?

2. Are you healthier, wealthier, and wiser?

3. Are you winning, losing or just holding ground?

4. What results are you committed to achieve by the end of the year?

5. How have you grown and what have you learned this year?

6. Is there any unfinished business that needs to be tended to in your life?

7. Are you actively pursuing what’s most important on a daily basis?

8. What habits do you need to change to ensure better results?

9. What is the key issue that inhibits your ability to perform at your best?

Looking at some of my own posts on goal setting I must admit I can be rather reflective and ambivalent about goals.  Gary, who actually styles himself "the Goals Guy" certainly isn’t going to allow anyone to wimp out on him!

Achieving goals does help build self confidence. Goals don’t have to be big, and in many ways achieving lots of small goals can create a momentum. Not everyone thrives on big challenges, as Gary seems to imply.

Its also interesting to reflect on goals now, rather than the beginning of  January. I’m not sure if I’ll be enrolling on Gary’s full program, but I certainly intend to make the most of those 100 days.

Who are you Accountable to?

What I think makes any goal more "live" is being accountable to someone other than just yourself.  To use Gary’s more direct language, "what if I were to follow you with a camera crew 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the next 100 days while you went for your goals?"  I think 3 things would happen….

1. You would START doing the things you say you need to do.
2. You would STOP doing the things you know you shouldn’t be doing.
3. You would MAKE monumental performance gains and change your life.

Accountability serves and protects your character, credibility and commitments. It ensures that what you want to accomplish gets accomplished.  The success of organisations like Weight Watchers is down to members sharing their goals and being accountable to the rest of the group.

I will finish with another quote from Gary:-

"Throughout every area of your life it’s important to understand that ALL unfinished goals, projects and relationships are the result of broken promises, unfulfilled commitments, and lack of accountability."

Strong words.  But creating accountability is one way to keep yourself on track.

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This is a relatively short post, just an announcement that I now have a workbook available from my blog at How to Have Great Self Confidence.  If you’re reading this on the blog itself it may seem I’m stating the rather obvious, as there is a big notice about the free ebook, Self Esteem Exercises!  But as several hundred of you get these posts via RSS or email, I thought I needed to ensure everyone was aware.

Over the past year my blog posting schedule has been more erratic, whilst I have also launched a newsletter, Self Esteem Review.  The newsletter has also been a bit hit and miss with its appearance. My initial plan to use other peoples articles for the newsletter was somewhat deflated by the poor quality of many articles I came across. I also found it frustrating to post content into a newsletter, only for it to disappear into a black hole after publication, with nowhere for anyone to comment or discuss the content.

Future Plans

I’m now going to concentrate any original content on this blog, and use the newsletter to point people in the direction of articles, blog posts, news items – whether by me or others.  The newsletter will have short summaries and be quite brief, hopefully giving enough information for people to follow up on if of sufficient interest.

I also want to spend more time and energy creating workbooks.  What I have done with this first one is use some of the information I have previously posted, but organise it so you can work through it and do some practical work on the particular problems discussed.  The first Self Esteem Exercises is subtitled "Challenging Negative Thinking", as this is a core element in raising self esteem.

If you already subscribe to Self Esteem Review…

…you should have received an email giving you download instructions.  If not, i will be sending out a few more emails over the next few days to ensure everyone who subscribes is able to get a copy of the workbook.

My second workbook has also been completed. Subscribers will be  sent download instructions for the "Problem Solving Workbook" after they have had a chance to work through the first one!

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A post about the Law of Attraction and Luck? Are they prerequisites for self confidence? No, but they both centre on beliefs and how we see the world, which have a huge bearing on self confidence.

Law of Attraction – Total Twaddle?

Any follower of this blog would soon notice that one of my pet dislikes is the Law of Attraction.  Not so much for what it is, but the way it is promoted as if there really is a "Law".  In "Do you believe in fairies?" I used the story of Arthur Conan Doyle, and his unshakable belief in the existence of fairies, as a comparison.

The biggest argument I have, is with those who believe that by thinking something, you can externally influence events and "make things happen".  The most used example is being able to conjure up parking spaces by just imagining that empty space.

My response to such nonsense is to ask if this "magic" can also apply to say numbers or colours.  If you "manifest" a particular number – say 7 – will it start appearing? Or can the Law of Attraction work its magic for you on the colour red?

If they say yes,  my response is to suggest a visit to the local casino!  I’m sure the managers of such establishments welcome any Law of Attraction practicioner trying to take a short cut to wealth.  Its probably as good a way of losing your money as buying some of the Law of Attraction courses or books that litter the internet.

Whilst I still use Vision Board, I find the way the company promote it as a tool for the Law of Attraction laughable. I think its a great product and I stand by my review. If you use affirmations it creates a mobile, musical presentation on your computer.  But to promote its use as a route to riches? Forget it.

The Luck Factor

This brings me to a review of something else – a book first published about six years ago.  Since then there have been a couple of spin off books, but I strongly recommend the original The Luck Factor: change your luck – change your life by Dr Richard Wiseman.

What I like about the book is that it uses solid psychological research and makes it assessable – whilst tackling a subject you wouldn’t normally expect to be researched.

Wiseman challenges the belief that we can create good or bad luck psychically by asking 700 volunteers to buy lottery tickets. Unsurprisingly, those who considered themselves a "lucky" person were no better at picking winning numbers. But, the people who considered themselves lucky had expectations of winning double that of those who saw themselves as unlucky.

This is where Dr Wisemans research throws up some interesting facts about how our beliefs alter our behaviour.  Whilst believing we are going to win won’t affect the outcome one jot, having high expectations does affect us:-

"They (expectations) make a difference to whether we try something, how hard we persist in the face of failure, how we interact with others and how others interact with us."

In other words "lucky" people think and behave in ways that increases their chances of creating, noticing and exploiting chance opportunities. Other experiments found they were more likely to persevere when encountering problems, and were also far more likely to reframe bad experiences by thinking how much worse they could have been.

Dr Wiseman central thesis is that luck can be predicted and therefore controlled. Luck is more the consequence of how you behave and how you view your daily life.  He created exercises based around four principles that should help anyone lead "luckier" lives:-

1. Believe that you are lucky. Lucky people have a relaxed attitude to life. They create, notice and act upon chance opportunities.
2. Lucky people make success happen by using their intuition and gut feelings.  Listen to your hunches.
3. Expect good fortune, persevere in attempting to achieve your goals. Believe you will succeed.
4. Lucky people have a knack for transforming back luck into good luck.

Principles of Self Confidence?

The interesting point is that these principles have similarities with the Law of Attraction, if you discard all the psychic mumbo jumbo and "wealth creation" baggage that it carries.  If people use the Law of Attraction in this way to adopt a more positive, optimistic attitude and belief system, then shouldn’t it be encouraged?

Can this be used to help with self confidence?  Is this the same thing?  The research carried out by Dr Wiseman comes up with principles that significantly affect peoples expectations of a successful outcome. And having an "expectation of a successful outcome" is another way of defining confidence.

You will never dispel the notion that luck is something magical, something some people are blessed with. Its a hard concept to grasp that you can become luckier by working at it. But I think anyone looking to build self confidence can find much to help them in The Luck Factor.

Photos by conorwithonen and pink sherbert photography on flickr

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We all get negative automatic thoughts. Its how we deal with them that affects our feelings and mood, and what we perceive to be our self esteem. If we can look rationally at a situation and effectively challenge negative thoughts (or problem solve if they are the reality), then we are on track to have healthy self esteem.

Unfortunately, if we leave negative automatic thoughts to take root, they become a constant negative self talk. We end up seeing every situation from a negative perspective.

Catch Them!

The first step, though, is to catch yourself doing it. You may spend time in the company of people who are very negative – not necessarily about themselves, but on everything they comment on.

"It looks like rain”

"She’s always off sick”

"This always happens to me!

What do you sound like to others? And what do you sound like to yourself? You may be very aware of some of your big worries that reoccur in your self talk. But try to take stock of the thoughts; stop and reflect on your chain of thinking.

O.K., this is easier said than done, and this isn’t something to get too stuck on. But try keeping a small notebook on you. Anytime you catch yourself thinking or talking negatively (or unhelpfully), jot down that particular thought.

Thoughts may appear out of nowhere, but can also be triggered – by people, places or events.

Distraction

 There are two basic techniques to challenge negative thoughts. One is distraction. This simply means mentally switching away when you find yourself listening to this negative inner voice. One technique is to cause some physical disturbance – clap your hands, flick or pinch your wrist (e.g. use an elastic/rubber band), say “no” or “stop” out loud.

The other aspect of distraction is to focus on some aspect of your environment. Set your attention away from your thoughts onto anything in the room, an item of your clothing, background noise – ANYTHING!

Really focus on some aspect of your environment or what you are doing. For example, if you’re out walking look closely at the flowers or trees, pick out details you normally don’t notice. Be aware of all the different sensations your senses are picking up. If you’re sat in front of the TV and find you’re listening to your self talk rather than the TV, keep bringing your attention back to the show you are watching.

This may sound silly or ineffective. But ultimately you are trying to disrupt a mental habit that is totally non productive and quite destructive. Distraction itself will take practice and can be reinforced by practicing focusing your attention on other things.

Dispute Negative Thoughts

 The second technique is equally simple in practice – you challenge the negative thoughts you are experiencing and come up with positive alternatives. This is particularly useful if you’ve been able to "catch" thoughts, as described above

Negative Thought                                   Positive Alternative

By going through this exercise you get in the habit of disputing your automatic negative thoughts. With practice on paper, it becomes easier to do it in your head.

The other advantage of doing things on paper, is you can notice how many of your thoughts focus on one or two particular problems or recurring themes. Using the problem solving technique get to the actual problem behind the thoughts.

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Its somewhat ironic when a newspaper writes at length about how we have become obsessed by risks, and fear is a “constant companion”. With the headline “Scared to death? The REAL worry is today’s culture of fear”

I’m sure the Daily Mail wouldn’t dream of adding to, or capitalise from, any of the fears that plague us today?!

I like this quote from a Professor of Sociology, Frank Furedi, who they have wheeled out for the article:-

“These days we live in constant fear, it is always lurking in the background. We live in terror of disease, abuse, stranger danger, environmental devastation, terrorism, even the sun. We cannot even enjoy the most simple pleasure – the sun – without hearing these warnings about skin cancer.

Likewise eating and food has become a morally charged activity. The massive growth of fear-mongering campaigns and crusades during the past quarter- century is unprecedented. The result is that it diminishes our experience of being alive, it forces us to engage with the world as pathetic individuals who can’t cope with the problems of everyday life.“

Wow Frank, don’t hold back! Has our experience of being alive really been diminished by living in fear of disease or terrorism? And are we really pathetic individuals who can’t cope with everyday problems? And what’s this got to do with self confidence, I hear you asking?

Problem Solving

In a way, our ability to deal with daily problems is at the heart of having healthy self confidence. Life is a never ending series of problems, many of which we deal with unconsciously or with very little thought. Most of us don’t spend hours trying to decide what to eat or what to wear (living in a household with four women i know there are exceptions to this!)

When we solve a problem we make a decision, then take action.  With self confidence we won’t question that decision. We recognise that even if it another option would have turned out better, that problem solving involves making a decision based on information available at the time. Hindsight is  a wonderful thing, but we shouldn’t let it undermine our self confidence.

Facing Fear

“The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.” ~ unknown author

Fear comes into the equation in different ways. You can allow yourself to dwell on decisions and fear that you made the wrong choice.  Like any worry or negative thinking, this makes you fell worse, undermines your self confidence – but achieves nothing.

Or you can be fearful about the decision if it involves stepping outside your comfort zone in some way.  In Fear is the Key I discussed how in facing our fears we can beat ourselves up by imagining how things may go wrong, how stepping out of our comfort zone will become very uncomfortable. Yet the awful scenarios we create seldom come to fruition.

Now You’re Being STUPID!

In the same paper as the “Scared to Death” article there are two stories that look at doing fearful acts from different perspectives.

One is about a group of 40 children and  adults being rescued from the sea by lifeguards. They had been walking backwards, fully clothed, into the sea as part of a team building exercise. Whilst it doesn’t say so directly, the implication is that the group were helping each other build confidence and bond together by doing something they collectively found fearful.

On the surface this didn’t sound too risky, but without the speedy actions of the local coastguard several of the party could have drowned.  The “walk” took place on a stretch of beach with risks (it was outside the marked safe area for bathing, patrolled by the lifeguards), which the organisers were unaware of.

The other story sounds far more foolhardy, kayaking down a 186′ waterfall! Tyler Bradt took this “calculated risk” to show “what human are capable of achieving”.  I’m not sure how you actually make the calculated risk, in such circumstances, nor that being capable of withstanding such a fall is actually much use. But Tyler comes up with a good quote:-

“I hope it encourages people not to run huge waterfalls but to understand that the only limits that exist are the ones you create, no matter what you are doing.”

We all respond to what information we have available to us at any given time. We can increase our confidence by increasing the amount of information we access.  We can better assess risk, for example, if we have complete information rather than the more sensational facts from a newspaper.

Photos by Mat Honan and Randy son of Robert on Flickr

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