I’ve not seen the source article with the full methodology, only the reports, but the main researcher Professor Plomin is extensively quoted.  However, he made the mistake of getting carried away by the Andy Murray fever that was gripping Britain last week to use Wimbledon to illustrate his theory:-

‘Everyone has assumed self confidence is a matter of environment.

‘Our research shows that it is certainly genetically influenced and that self confidence predicts achievement at school. It is the same in sport and we see it at Wimbledon.

‘A lot of the players are very good but there is something that goes beyond mere ability and it is the confidence in that ability.

‘Andy Murray seems to have amazing self belief whereas we all remember Tim Henman would play a few poor points and it seemed he would crumble - that difference may well be genetic.’

quote from Daily Mail

Is Tim Henman Really Genetically flawed?

Tim Henman was for many years Britain’s number 1 tennis player, winning over $11 million in his career and was at one time world number 4, before retiring at the end of 2007.  However, he never got to a  “major” final, let alone win one, and on 4 occasions lost a Wimbledon semi final.

So it was a bit unfortunate for the Professor that Andy Murray also lost at the semi final stage! However, just as I wouldn’t attribute Murray’s defeat to a “lack of confidence” nor would I label Henman with such personality traits simply from observing him on a tennis court (I assume Professor Plomin has never met either player).

On Friday Andy Murray was beaten by someone who played a better game of tennis - Andy Roddick.  And Tim Henman was unfortunate to be playing at the same time as Pete Sampras, who twice accounted for his Wimbledon semi final defeats.

Listening to the post match analysis,  one “expert” suggested that Murray hadn’t been aggressive enough. Interesting, as many had heralded a new era in British tennis with aggressive, surly Andy Murray stamping the memory of “nice” Tim Henman into the dust.

What I also found irksome about labelling Tim Henman as being genetically deprived of self confidence, was that he has been working over the Wimbledon fortnight as a commentator, summariser and general “expert” alongside established media players (and former Champions) like John McEnroe and Boris Becker.

He acquitted himself well in a discipline where he has no natural skill or particular charisma. For all we know he could have spent the past year being coached in how to appear natural and confident in front of a television camera. My point being, how can you label someone as being disadvantaged in life by a low self confidence personality trait, when he is speaking to millions of us via television looking as cool as a cucumber?

Did I Pass on a Low  Self Confidence Gene?

My other gripe about this research stems my own experience in being the father of non-identical twins.  Whilst identical twins, by definition, are born with similar weight, height, features etc. - the scope of variation in non-identical can be huge.

From the outset one of my daughters was noticeably bigger, as well as having a different colour, and straighter, hair and other features. In fact as they grew up it was easier to note the differences rather than similarities. For the first 11 years of their lives they were forever in each others company (they were in the same class at school), yet two very different characters.

Going back to Professor Plomin’s research, to measure self confidence they got 7 - 10 year old children to rate their abilities in a variety of core subjects. Looking back on my twins at that age, I know one was more dominant than the other.  In the hothouse and claustrophobia of family and school life it was quite clear that taking the lead from her “bigger” sister was the simplest route to take for the other twin.

From the age of 11, when they changed school, my daughters have been in separate classes. Since 16 separate schools and in all likelihood, from October in different countries!  They are both self assured and show self confidence far ahead of what I exhibited at that age.  On Monday they are going to Gran Canaria on holiday with friends.

So, whilst I couldn’t really say I care that much about Tim Henman, it does irritate me no end that this research would suggest one of my daughters (and probably me as well as “carrier”) has a genetic defect in possessing a “low self confidence” gene.

As I discussed in the Myth of the Addictive Personality, when you start attributing problems to genetic factors then you start taking responsibility for change away from the individual. I’m sure someone is already trying to develop a “self confidence” drug.  Whatever our genetic disposition towards any sort of behaviour,  the environmental factors have far the greatest impact.

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That interesting statement appeared recently on another blog, My Life with Angels, which in turn was responding to a post by Maggie Stiefvater.

On several occasions I have touched on the issue of whether being good at something is a key way to develop self confidence or healthy self esteem.  My favourite, How to Build Self Confidence Through Activity, looks at examples of children being taught karate, ballet and magic tricks.  I expressed doubt at the choices of ballet or karate,  as many fall by the wayside.  Unless you reach a certain level of competence neither activity will develop self confidence.

Whilst success at an activity can help with self confidence, the argument from the other bloggers was you don’t have to first attain success or accomplishment to feel self confident.  This can also be illustrated by many who have achieved fame and fortune as writers or in entertainment - they had confidence in themselves despite many rejections and little in the way of accomplishment to sustain them.

This is well summed up by this quote from the “Angels” blog:-

“Self confidence is the fuel that moves us forward, makes us take one more step, to give it one more try, and has nothing to do with results or talent.”

But where do we get that “fuel” if not from achievement? Maggie’s argument is that what made the difference to her was just deciding “to be confident”. Setting herself goals and deciding she would achieve them. Then creating an environment around her - including people - that will reinforce that belief:-

“… especially if you surround yourself with the trappings of confidence. That room that is just for you and your writing, because you are going to make it your living. The people you surround yourself with: confident, make-it-happen people, because you will always rise to the meet the expectations of the people around you…”

This is drifting more towards having healthy self esteem, as to me this is the “fuel” (or “foundation” if you want a different analogy) of self confidence.  If you feel good about yourself, if you respect yourself, then you know you can achieve your goals.

Michael Jackson

If you have low self esteem you can achieve great things, but still dismiss them or never feel a genuine sense of accomplishment. I linked the addiction problems of some celebrities to low self esteem in the Myth of the Addictive Personality.   Sadly recent events have highlighted another example.

My most vivid Michael Jackson memory was his 1993 Oprah Winfrey interview. I remember watching the show and thinking two things:

1. This is the most talented person I’ve ever seen.

2. This person has the lowest self-esteem of anyone I’ve ever seen.

Noah St John

I think this quote speaks volumes.  It is always sobering when someone the same age as me, someone I’ve “known of” virtually through out my life, dies suddenly. But its such a tragedy that someone so talented was unable to function in a way that enabled him to truely enjoy that talent

Self Esteem Exercise

One exercise to build self esteem is to list everything that is good about you, your life. And this can include things you have achieved, however minor. Things you can do that not everyone else can.

The trick is to start seeing these things as good - not something “that anyone could have done” or “everyone has got.”  We are composed of many attributes and talents. There are many great things in the environment around us. And we interact daily with many wonderful people.

“I cried because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no feet.”

Sadly, we grow up with many more negative messages that positive ones.  We get told what we have done wrong, rather than praised for what we have done right.  We learn to focus on what we cannot do rather than what we can, on how we have failed to reach perfection, rather than accomplished something wonderful.

So whilst I agree with the original statement, “being confident is not the same as being good at something”, I would turn it around as ask yourself “what am I good at?”  If this doesn’t produce a long list, and doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, its time to do some more work on your self esteem.

We all have talents.  We need to appreciate what our talents are, to cherish and nurture those talents.  Its a tragedy when those with great talents fall by the wayside.

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A Smile Will Win Over Anyone?

One  article I nearly didn’t read was a article entitled “physician job search tips“, which isn’t an arresting title for non physicians.

However, as the author had used a “smilie” to illustrate his “tip seven” it caught my eye:-

“Enthusiasm. Bring an absolutely positive attitude without being too familiar. Negativism is not allowed. Sell yourself. The difference between bragging and self confidence is enthusiasm.
Smile. A genuine heart warming smile can win over anyone…whether you interview for physician jobs or not.”

The difference between bragging (or arrogance?)  and self confidence is enthusiasm? I think there is a lot of truth in that. And the advice, like most  of of the other tips, applies whether you are going for a job interview or going into work at a job you’ve been doing for many years.

So much of self confidence comes through our body language and attitude. If you look sharp, you can feel sharp. And as the article says:-

“erect posture shows confidence.”

But can a “heart warming smile” win over anyone? Is that in itself the most important aspect of body language to get right. In one of my very early (and very short!) posts I came up with this quote:-

Have you ever tried to smile and think of a negative thought? Usually the result is that one of the feelings will win out.

Try it and see! Basically humans cannot hold attention on more than one thought at a time - if you sit in front of a TV reading a newspaper, your attention flicks between the two, it doesn’t attend to both at the same time. Smiling is important because of the effect it has on you, as much as those around you.

Is Smiling Good for You?

Another recent post suggests there is evidence that smiling is good for you.  On Why is Smiling Good for You Dr Amanda Grant Smith kicks off with:-

The act of smiling itself has been shown to be good for one’s health. Simply changing your expression to a smile or mimicking another’s smile can cause involuntary biological changes just like those induced by emotions.

She goes on to say that looking at other peoples smiles causes positive chemical changes in our brain, plus:-

Research has also revealed that smiling can lower blood pressure, release natural painkillers called endorphins, increase serotonin (a target of antidepressant drugs) and reduce stress.

“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” Mother Teresa

How to Smile?

On Hani Al-Qasem’s Confidence blog he has gone as far as encouraging you to start smiling as a confidence boosting exercise:-

The amazingly, exceptionally easy method to raise your self confidence is putting a wide smile on your face, and keeping it there for as long as you can.

Start with 10 seconds, move up to 20 seconds, up to a minute and so on. You immediately feel the difference. Try it. Do it now! And feel the surge of self confidence.

And why not?  As he suggests, linking that deliberate smile with a memory of doing something well or something you are proud of has a few things going for it:-

1) Its free

2) Its very simple to do

3) It works

What I have suggested within my post on “how to look confident“, we seldom stop and think how we look every day.  Do we slouch, look at the ground as we walk - or go around with a grim, surly expression?

Do you look confident? If I spotted you are a social gathering, what would your body language say - “Go away, I don’t want to be here” or “Come and meet me”?

Making the effort to smile isn’t difficult. What is slightly  harder is changing your everyday habit so that a smile becomes your default setting.

Is smiling good for self confidence? I doubt if anyone would disagree that it can hardly hurt, and will probably do a lot of  good. So why not try? Compared with trying to change your thinking habits, its simple!

Photos by mereco,  jelene and mao_lini on Flickr

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So, whilst I’m not too sure how best to work this, I’ve decided to go ahead and post the latest and see what anyone thinks about this.

In This Issue:-

* 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid
* Do My Spots Look Good on This?
* Quotes of the Day 
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I’ve just come across a wonderful post about negative people - not just negative, but TOXIC! Its an often suggested tip for raising self esteem, but “avoid negative people” doesn’t convey the damage that others can do to us - usually without their intending.

But “toxic” people suck up our time and energy, drain our self esteem,
and leave us with little room to look at our own needs, rather than
theirs. As author Brett Blumenthal, in the Ghana News, says:-

“All of these personalities have several things in common.

1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.

2) Unfortunately, most of these people don’t see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.

3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.”

So if you want to learn whether you have a Manipulative Mary, Narcissistic
Nellie, Insincere Illissas or other toxic folk in your circle, check
out:- 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

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On my last blog post their is a photo of me and my eldest daughter
Emma taken professionally for her Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award. What
I don’t say on the blog is I was offered the opportunity of having the
photograph “enhanced” for an extra £10.  They could have removed my spots and whitened our eyes and teeth!!

Despite having already forked out a small fortune for the session we
politely declined. The photo shows my miss matching suit (I seem to
have expanded somewhat since I last wore it) and Emma’s bad hair day

So many people strive to look like the celebrities and models on the covers
of magazines - even though the photographs are often enhanced. In the
post itself I report on an experiment at a British school that looked at
the self esteem of a few pupils who had to go a few weeks without
their “bling” -  including make up.

Learning to accept ourselves as we are, to love ourselves “warts (and
in my case spots) and all” is part of developing and sustaining self esteem

_________________________________________________

Quotes of the Day
_________________________________________________
“Avoid negative people at all costs. They are the greatest destroyers of self confidence and self-esteem.” ~ Brian Tracy

“I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure — which is: Try to please everybody.?” ~ Herbert B. Swope

If you search Google for “self confidence” you will often come across articles about children gaining confidence by participating in various activities, as diverse as karate, ballet or magic. One of my favourite posts,  “How to Build Self Confidence Through Activity” discusses this issue.  I did express concern that the amount of practice and skill required to do some activities (ballet, karate) well may make them counter productive - especially when aimed at children.

However, the post and my general attitude to activity (especially as an Occupational Therapist!) as a tool to build self confidence is very positive. I had a chance to reflect on this last week when my daughter received her Duke of Edinburgh (DofE) Gold Award at an elaborate ceremony in London.

The DofE  has been going over 50 years and over 4 million young people have completed either the bronze, silver or gold award. The purpose is:-

DofE programmes help young people develop into fully rounded and responsible individuals.  Participants will see new talents and skills develop and emotional maturity blossom whilst also building their fitness and initiative.

At the ceremony the expression “build self confidence” came up on a few occasions; from a recent survey 85% of gold award holders reported increased self confidence. To achieve any of the three awards the youngsters have to take part in various activities in the following sections:-

Volunteering - helping someone, your community or the environment
Physical - becoming fitter through sport, dance or fitness activities
Skills - developing existing talents or trying something new
Expedition - planning, training for and completing an adventurous journey
Residential (Gold only) - staying and working away from home as part of a team

I should add that my other two daughters did start the DofE but didn’t pursue it.  One major problem with the DofE is that it needs the support of schools and volunteer leaders to help facilitate the programmes. My elder daughter happened to go to a school where the DofE was seen as a “good thing” and she got the support.

As adults, how often do we get involved in volunteering, take up sports and get fit, make a concerted effort to improve one of our skills, or plan and take part in an expedition!  Some may sound unrealistic, but the common thread is they all involve stepping outside our comfort zone.

I write this as Ranulph Fiennes becomes the first Briton over 65 to reach the top of Everest -  having also been to both North and South poles and only a few years ago ran 7 full marathons in 7 days. Yet:-

He achieved this feat despite having had a heart attack, triple bypass surgery, prostate cancer treatment and a previous attempt stopped by a critical angina attack at 28,000ft.

The above quote is from an excellent full profile in The Times.  I’m not suggesting anyone else goes to that extreme, in a previous post I have challenged some of the mentality behind risk taking:- Does taking risks build confidence? But stepping outside our comfort zone for the most part shouldn’t involve life threatening risk.

Make my Kids Happy

Coincidentally, there was an “experiment” conducted by a TV show recently that also looked at introducing activity. But initially they took  away teenagers “bling” for 4 weeks.  By bling they meant any electrical item (TV, MP3, phone, computers) and things like make up. By removing bling and introducing other activity, did this increase the teenagers self esteem?

As an experiment I was somewhat sceptical as they only used 12 subjects. Also, as with the happiness experiment I reflected on, being part of a television programme and being in a select group is going to have an effect on your self esteem anyway.

As part of the experiment they had to fill the vacuum left by giving up their electronic entertainment by doing voluntary work and other activities - such as talking to their families!  However, the big focus was on the use of make up by the 14 year old girls, as that, worryingly, was what they found most difficult giving up.

Using valid and reliable self esteem rating scales they did show a significant increase in the participants self esteem - which the tests showed was quite low to start with.

What I thought was significant was the ongoing work that was done by the psychologist running the experiment.  From the ongoing interviews it was clear how much the self esteem of the participants - particularly the girls - was tied up with their appearance.  Giving up their make up was like being asked to go to school naked.

In this case the activity became secondary. Convincing the children that their value didn’t depend on creating a false beauty, that they all had a natural attractiveness that didn’t need “paint” to realign, was the central theme of the programme.  It did appear to convince some of the participants, but to me flagged up how easy it is for people to develop a fragile self esteem.

“If rejection destroys your self-esteem, you’re letting others hold you as an emotional hostage.” ~ Brian Tracy

Comfort Zone Again

The actual DofE presentation was carried out by Sian Williams, a TV anchor from the BBCs Breakfast Show (so I was told, never watching TV at that hour). She gave a short speech, confessing to being extremely nervous at doing so in front of about 150 people.

This from someone who regularly appears on television in front on millions of viewers, and has reported from very challenging situations. But whilst appearing in front of a camera was now “comfortable”, giving a speech to “real” people was suddenly a step outside that zone!

Photos by Successphotography and Mel B. (latter on Flickr)

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It goes without saying that this is a smart rather than casual dress event. So with that in mind my wife got me to try out my suit. I’m fortunate in not having to wear a suit to work, as I did in those far off days when I worked for a bank.

To my surprise, my one suit has mysteriously shrunk since I last wore it.  Something about clothes you don’t wear often - for some reason I still keep the suit I wore for my wedding, nearly 24 years ago. The trousers on that one have “shrunk” so much they can hardly go above my knees!

Joking apart, such events do remind me that I’m gradually getting larger, especially around the waist.  My philosophy around weight loss, or health generally, isn’t to lurch onto the next diet but to review my lifestyle. I need to exercise more and be more careful about the type (and particularly quantity) of food and drink I consume.

This is a a somewhat long-winded way of introducing the topic of using metaphors.  It came up as the weeks topic at the Life Club I’ve started attending. These are relatively new weekly workshops that happen in a few places across the UK. They are aimed at:-

teaching simple tools and techniques to achieve a clearer way of thinking, helping you stay ahead of the game and remain confident and focussed.

They are quite structured and this week looked at using metaphors to help us solve problems.  We tend to use metaphors verbally such as “hitting  my head against a brick wall” to depict being unable to solve a problem. But in this case rather than using a figure of speech, or other words, we had to depict a problem visually.  Drawing  how we see a particular problem now, and comparing with how we see the problem solved.

This immensely powerful when you combine it with asking questions - or get someone else to do this with you. Seeing the problem and the answer can help the brain find links - especially if you allow yourself to explore the reality of each situation.

Interestingly, as someone who “can’t draw” its amazing how quickly you can become confident at using an unfamiliar medium to express yourself.  I cannot put my attempts at drawing on the blog. And once you have completed the exercise you don’t have to use the pictures any more, you can revert to other medium (i.e. writing) to put the “solution” into action.

But using photographs, drawings, pictures or objects can still help visually represent the solutions - or the way forward in other ways.  In my drawings I depicted myself as a bit of a “porker”, wallowing in mud.  Bit of an exaggeration, but a reminder of seeing how the problem may slide if I don’t act and continue on my current path.

The solution? Giving artistic licence I created a cross between Superman and Barack Obama! What is useful about metaphors or images generally is they can represent what you want. As a non American, Obama simply represents things to me like “leader”, “great orator”, “success”, “winner”, “solver of problems”, and of course “thin, charismatic man”.  I don’t see any of the political baggage that I would attach to a British politician.

What I have now got is a daily reminder that I have a choice - my actions each day will propel me towards one or other image. Unfortnately, for copyright reasons I cannot use the picture here of Mr Creosote that I am now using at home.  And I have used several different images to create a picture of what I am aspiring to become.

The idea is not dissimilar to using Vision Boards. I have said before I use a computer based affirmation software that also uses images.  Most discussion on Vision Boards gets wrapped up in the Law of Attraction and people are encouraged to use images of their wildest dreams - flash sports car, exotic holidays - without considering how they will achieve them.

Images are powerful ways of inspiring you and motivating you towards a goal.  But that is different to using them to solve a problem, or as daily tools to make decisions and choices. Images can help you clarify an issue and find links and solutions.

I will put up a separate post to illustrate another way I have used a visual representation to help me be more efficient and build my self confidence. And its also worth reflecting how films can use visual metaphors to put over messages.  Victoria Baum has written an interesting interpretation of the Wizard of Oz, and what Dorothy’s Ruby Slippers represent.

But what of the headstone? A macarbe image - or another way of reminding ourselves of our mortality? Is your life just represented by drab bullet point? If you knew you were dying would your “last lecture” be similar to Randy Pausch’s?

If the picture represents a “now” for you - what your headstone would look like if you continued your current path - think of what you would like it to be. Perhaps draw the two.  Now ask yourself questions, expore, compare and contrast. This may help you discover what you want to achieve with your life.

Photos by Cogdogblog, Kasper Weibel, Xurble and Richard on Flickr

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Whilst we were away my twin daughters hit the magic
age of 18. As with any parent, there are times you wish you could do things without your children. But I’m still glad all three of my
children (the eldest is 21) still wanted to come on holiday with us.

If  left to me to organize we probably wouldn’t go anywhere. I enjoy having a break from everyday routine, focussing on enjoyable activities and the increased company of family or friends. But having not travelled greatly when younger, I’ve always viewed the organization and “getting there” with trepidation.

For example I’ve never hired a car when overseas and would be the first to admit that the main reason is a lack of confidence. Its only recently I’ve ever hired a car in the UK, never previously having reason to. But its amazing how easily we can create invisible barriers around us through a lack of confidence in trying something new.

And whilst my children are happy to go on a family holiday, all three have organized overseas trips for the summer - with friends rather than parents!

6 Pillars of Self Esteem

Before going on holiday I started working through the book  6 Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Here is an overview of the principles he calls pillars:-

Self-acceptance: Being willing to experience whatever we truly think, feel, or do, even if we don’t always like it. Facing our mistakes and learning from them.

Self-responsibility: Establishing a sense of control over our lives by realizing that we are responsible for our choices and actions at every level - the achievement of our goals, our happiness, our values.

Self-assertiveness: The willingness to express appropriately our thoughts, values, and feelings - to stand up for ourselves. To speak and act from our deepest convictions.

Living consciously: Paying attention to information and feedback about needs and goals. Facing facts that may be uncomfortable or threatening. Refusing to wander through life in a self-induced fog.

Living purposefully: Setting realistic goals (given an honest awareness of our strengths and weaknesses) and working to achieve them, rather than living at the mercy of chance and outside forces. Developing self-discipline.

Integrity: The integration of our behavior with our ideals, convictions, standards and beliefs - acting in congruence with what we truly believe is right.

As I have said before, its frustrating that any book that is written to help people make changes is presented as a “book” rather than manual - you tend to read it  like a novel rather than stop to do the exercises.  That said,  I have only got as far as the first pillar,  Living Consciously, as I have been trying to follow Nathaniel’s  directions to the letter.

Expanding on living consciously, he says  it’s:-

to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values and goals and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know… monitoring our actions relative to our goals..   the art of self noticing

The technique he encourages you to use to increase your self consciousness, is sentence completion. At the beginning of the day complete sentences such as:-

If I bring 5% more awareness to my activities today….

then at the end of the day:-

When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5% more awareness to my activities….

Just setting aside time to do these exercises (there are 6 sentences to complete) is difficult. I will give more detailed review in a future post (committing myself to finishing the book!), but I cannot say I have found it easy - or as yet productive.

Describe Your Empowerment Stance

Rather than dashing out to buy 6 Pillars of Self Esteem, you may be better served by trying to find your Empowerment Stance.  This article, written by Jeanie Marshall, is a good example of how to organize information to enable people to do things - rather than just read and pass on.

Within the article Jeanie has placed a 3 minute audio - listen to this first as it gives a great perspective on how creating an Empowerment Stance Description can help pull you back into a position of feeling self confident. As Jeanie puts it:-

This self development technique will help you to remember, or perhaps more accurately, will provide you with a path to lead you back to the feeling of empowerment and self confidence, or any other feeling you want to feel.

As is made clear in the audio, describe yourself when you are feeling truly empowered, full of self confidence and enthusiasm. WRITE THIS DOWN. The article goes into questions to ask yourself to help describe and pin down how you are feeling and what dynamics are happening within you.

Jeanie finishes the article looking at how particular words can reinforce the Empowerment Stance Statement. Don’t be put off by the word “empowerment” - as a technique to build self confidence its quite simple. It comes down to being able to recall feeing confident at moments when that confidence has evaporated. And at the moment it does seem a lot simpler than Dr Brandens sentence completion technique!

Lower photo by taubuch on Flickr

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Most people use search engines, particularly Google, to find out information on a particular topic. It’s quite reassuring (and good for the ego!) to still be on page one of Google for the term “self confidence”.

One site, or rather particular post,  that I’ve often come across  first appeared 21 months ago on Pick the Brain. Titled 10 ways to Build Self Confidence - by John Jorgensen - it currently sits at the top of Googles page one for “self confidence”. In other words Google considers it the most relevant page for anyone searching for self confidence.

Now, we can debate the accuracy of the Google algorithm - many do. Make your own mind up, but I don’t think the 10 suggestions are the best ways to gain self confidence:-

1 Dress sharp

2 Walk faster

3 Good posture

4 Personal Commercial

5 Gratitude

6 Compliment Other People

7 Sit in the Front Row

8 Speak Up

9 Work Out

10 Focus on Contribution

I’ve touched on body language here, although perhaps not enough, and good posture is a key confidence builder we can all practice. John’s opener about dress sharp is something I personally don’t really put into good effect, if I’m honest. I like his opening

Although clothes don’t make the man, they certainly affect the way he feels about himself. No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are. When you don’t look good, it changes the way you carry yourself and interact with other people.

I think being grateful for what is good about our lives and complimenting or praising others are equally good habits to get into. Beyond that I don’t necessarily disagree with the list, but the emphasis.

Speaking up is all very well, but not just for the sake of it. Not everyone can just plunge in. If you get crushed by someone else it will soon dent whatever confidence you had. Practise speaking out loud, getting confident just at speaking may be an important first step. Building assertiveness skills, being able to put across your point of view (and believe you have the right to say it) can be practised separately.

But speaking up is generally dependent on knowing your facts, being confident in your abilities. If sitting in a meeting where the subject is something you know little about - keep schtum! But when your area of brilliance is on the agenda - when you have every right to feel confident - speak up. Nothing builds confidence like knowledge and expertise.

Walk faster? Sit in the front row?!  sounds like advice from someone who has never really lacked confidence themselves.

One factor behind the popularity of this article was it got a lot of “diggs” from the social bookmarking site of that name. In the discussion and comments that follow on the digg page, someone else has given their top ten suggestions:-

1. Take a shower and be hygienic

2. Put on some nice clothes and look good…human bodies require decoration

3. Realize that EVERYONE desires relationships and interaction, not just you

4. Realize that if you mess up, it’s just ONE event in your ~70 year life

5. Realize that confidence is the opposite of focusing on yourself

6. Remember what you’re good at

7. Remember not to act like what you aren’t

8. Accept that you’ll never have to be perfect

9. Accept that you should never wait for life’s “perfect timing”

10. Force yourself out socially and enjoy the ride

Now I think this is a better list than the original 10 posted by John Jorgensen! Although its just a list, the language used - lots of “accepts” and “remembers” and “realize” - accentuate its the way we think about something that affects our confidence.

Accepting we’ll never be perfect or that there will never be a “perfect” time to do something help us to avoid getting stifled by perfectionism.  Remembering what we’re good at reinforces the point about knowledge and expertise being the foundation of self confidence.

My favorite is “Realize that if you mess up, it’s just ONE event in your ~70 year life.” As I’ve said before, I’m sure President Obama doesn’t lay awake at night ruminating on how he fluffed his lines at his inauguration…

So draw up your own list of ways to build your self confidence. The main trick, whatever is on your list, is to draw up an action plan to put them into practice.

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The Socratic path to self confidence is to have confidence in our own beliefs and not be swayed by the opinions of others. He believed humans were like sheep, that we passively follow each other. We assume others, particularly those that lead us, know what they are talking about - we trust those in authority.

Whilst we may question the bit about trusting those in authority, the bottom line is we rarely take action and challenge authority. How many of you have been arrested because of your beliefs - I certainly haven’t?

We imagine others must know what they are talking about and have the skills to deliver - especially if we lack self confidence ourselves. There is a pressure to conform, to act within acceptable social norms.

Socrates had the advantage of living in a time when he could readily go up to those in power and question them - as he questioned everyone. Unfortunately he had the disadvantage of living at a time and place when those who fell foul of their Government for what they said and did were executed (although sadly there are still too many countries where that is still the case).

Socrates wanted everyone to scrutinise what we believe, he believed everyone has a duty to reflect on our life:

“an unexamined life is not worth living”

Several of my posts here have centred on how our belief system can feed into unhelpful thoughts and undermine our self confidence. My advice on challenging beliefs came down to taking stock, start questioning, change habits and stepping out of your comfort zone.  On the challenging beliefs post there is a great quote :-

“Just because you’ve believed something for a long time doesn’t mean its right. It just means you’ve believed it for a long time!”   Craig Harper

So I totally agree with Socrates that challenging our beliefs is a very important thing to be able to do. But I also recognise it can be difficult. The Socratic method boils down to:-

1) Write out a belief as an emphatic  statement

for example - If I am well paid I will enjoy my job

2) Find an exception to the statement you have created

Some people are miserable and well paid

3) If you have an exception, then that statement is unsound or imprecise.

4) Change the original statement to take the exception into account.

Being well paid is no guarantee I will enjoy my job, but there is a possibility my enjoyment may increase.

5) Keep looking for exceptions until find a statement that you are unable to disprove.

Now you can find exceptions to most statements and two people can come to “watertight” statements that are polar opposite by following this logical sequence. But that’s not the point.  What is more important you can demonstrate to your own satisfaction why you believe something.

If you work out for yourself why you believe (or not) something - whether its in God, your ability to cook a meal or whether a person likes you - then it gives you confidence to stand up for that belief. If your belief is simply based on following everyone else (or the opinions and beliefs of parents, peers, teachers or others) then its not so trustworthy.

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Without going into the gory details, I had a biopsy last Tuesday for possible prostate cancer. I’ve had one before, and its precautionary rather than done with great expectation of having cancer. But the mere act of going through a very invasive procedure, and confronting the possibility of a life threatening disease does heighten your awareness of the fragility of life.

14 hours after undergoing the biopsy, my daughter informed us that our car was on fire. So at 4.15am, about 5 hours since last used, we waited for the fire brigade to arrive. This brief clip now on YouTube (where else!)  shows the demise of “Ethel”.

The loss of a car is insignificant compared with the loss of life and devastation to land and property in recent times, such as in Australia earlier this year. But the burnt out remains, with no discernible cause, were quite shocking to me. Also, had we parked the car in it’s “normal” place our house would have been well ablaze by the time the fire crew turned up.

How to Build Self Confidence

As I discussed in my last newsletter, I’m currently read Nathaniel Branden’s  6 Pillars of Self Esteem. Although rewarding, its not exactly a light read.  By comparison, last week I read the best selling Who Moved my Cheese.

I’m often fascinated by the juxtaposition of some of our experiences and what we see, hear or read. Our personal reflections on anything don’t occur in isolation.  For example, what we read links in with other things we are reading - your thoughts from one source can influence your interpretation of the other.

At the same time as my “Cheese experience”, I also read yet another annoyingly good article on Henrik Edburgs the positivity blog: How to Build Self Confidence: 6 Essential& Timeless Tips.

I do recommend you read the post, but here are the six tips:-

1. Take Action. Get it Done
2. Face your Fear.
3. Understand in what order things happen.
4. Prepare
5. Realize that failure or being wrong will not kill you.
6. Get to know who you are and what you want out of life.

The third point may seem a bit vague, but Henrik uses dialogue from a film to illustrate how fear comes first, then courage. And after doing something more than once, the scariness starts to wear off:-

It may seem scary now. But after having done whatever you fear a few to a dozen times or so you may think: “Is that it?”. You almost feel disappointed of how anticlimactic it has become. You may even get a bit angry with yourself and wonder why you avoided doing it for so long.

So in effect, half of the tips to Build Self Confidence look at facing fear, overcoming being scared, and not being afraid of failure.

Who Moved my Cheese?

What you are afraid of is never as bad as what you imagine. The fear you build up in your mind is worse than the situation that actually exists.

The above quote is not from Henrik but Spencer Johnson in Who Moved my Cheese. This very short and easily digested book gives a story about change. How some people, with their set beliefs and behaviors, cannot (or will not) embrace change. And they become “extinct”.

Our emotions can complicate things and living in the “constant white water with changes happening all the time at work or in life can be stressful - unless people have a way of looking at change that helps them understand it.”

The book is quite simplistic, and I’m not saying its the answer to all lifes problems. But my take on it is how we take comfort and reassurance with what is familiar, and change at any level can be unsettling. Big change (its all relative to your own lifestyle) can be really scary, unless you change your attitude(s) towards it.

Throwing the Cheese book and Build Self  Confidence post together, as I did by reading them on the same day, you get a double whammy of fear. Two illustrations of how fear can mess us up. But if you then reflect on real life - tragedy, disaster, disease - none of which we tend to spend much time fearing.

I’m not suggesting you should switch your fears away from change, new things and  what people think of you to worrying about the possibility of fire or serious health problems. Worrying never solves anything - learn to problem solve. But such events can help put other fears in perspective.

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