In a World that is Now

Be

2024-01-15T03:03:00.000+05:30

When I look outside myself, there is so much happening. The chaos doesn't stop. There is fear and panic and an effort to stop the panic that creates even more panic. It's tough to find peace when everyone around you is absolutely not at peace. The constant fears forcing everyone to reach the judgements a little too soon. Such judgements that don't bring a promise of a better future. What's the point of reaching judgments at all then? Why do we forget that the only moment that's in our control, if there is any at all, is this, now. We will keep on sacrificing several nows being scared of the future and it will turn out to be totally different than what we could imagine. At least for the most of us. Wherever we are today, if we can't appreciate the goodness in the state of things that we have right now, maybe the future won't be so good after all. It is, perhaps, rightly said that the contentment can only be achieved from within, and if we have learnt to be truly content, the state of things around us can't affect it at all.

But maybe that is what the fight is all about nowadays. Meditation, yoga and mindfulness. That is probably what is helping people look inside and think about the world they have inside themselves. A few minutes away from the chaos.

Some say that if the bad didn't exist, people wouldn't appreciate the good. I wish that wasn't true. I wish people didn't wait for the bad to happen. I wish people had enough conscience to recognise the good as it is, in its absolute form.

Sometimes I imagine myself going to a different world. If that world is full of people who stay in harmony, then it's where people smile when they meet strangers, where they all love each other and most importantly, we know that the true love is when we let them be. Where everyone knows that irrespective of what happens, it is all going to be okay.

Winds

2022-04-21T04:25:00.000+05:30

Whenever I think about life, I feel a warm hug. Whose hug that is, I do not know. Several emotions of various colours, mostly warm, automatically paint in front of my eyes. And when I continue to wander in the other world to find out what life is, these colours turn blue. They do not seem to represent life but things that make me understand the worth of things that matter in life. People, care, love, emotions, smiles, laughter, senses, kind words, these make up life. Then there are things that can't be avoided from becoming part of the life, and these are things that bring pain and sufferings. The one who becomes indifferent to every emotion, sees the happy and the sad, the same, but that ripples to affect others' lives and intensify their emotions. I have learnt my way of living as I continue to understand life even more and figure out if it's even worth figuring out what life is about. Experience. The one thing that doesn't separate the good from the bad, nor does it define them. Things don't end and thus the conclusion can not be achieved, and who can then define something as good or bad. The wind blows and brings some thoughts along, and it affects everyone in some way. And once the wind goes away, the things stand still and we wait for yet another wind to arrive. And if only we didn't have the warm emotions to cling to, these cold winds would blow us far away.

Too close and yet afar

2021-09-17T06:09:00.001+05:30

Everybody doesn't get always a chance to live life the way they want. But we still, somehow, make our way of living. Combined together with all the randomness from this World, it becomes so much confusing to understand what's the right way. And the more boundless we try to be, the more dilemma it creates: Is my way of living right or how she lives is right? or does he know how life should be lived well enough? No matter how strong our beliefs are, I think one day everyone struggles with the thought of whether what they are doing is the right thing to do.

And how happy are we really from the inside thinking about all this?

I have been one of the lucky ones to mostly get what I wish for, or maybe my way of living includes practising gratitude that makes me a little more optimistic and makes me focus more on what I have got rather than what I haven't. I have also always hated comparison (among people) and competition (in living). These things have given people more stress than the feeling of happiness, which comes only when you win something or when you have the better side of something. I care less about it and my way of living is to experience.

So why do I doubt my way of living then?

In the times long enough to the recent ones, I have mostly got the things I was looking out for, getting to stay with my loved ones, staying away from troubles, getting to travel the parts of the World that I wished to travel and earn enough to afford a good quality of living, house to stay in, good food. I even had this fantasy that the music was played out loud in the world (or in the sky) an important event occurred in my life and here I am in Berlin where I often get to hear music while sitting next to the Spree or while just walking slowly on the path and chasing cars around my head. Things look good enough and yet I feel a sense of pressure in my head. Even I need to focus on my breathing at times. Even I stop in the middle of my work to take 3 long breaths to calm down.

I have got good things in my life and it feels like I am pretty close to getting those that I still wish for. But just because I haven't faced many troubles and disappointments yet doesn't mean I wouldn't face them. and I understand that. What I also understand is that one can't possibly know the end they are looking for because life is not a movie. The only thing that can make us keep going is our way of living. And for the time that's left, we can live a wonderful life by trusting our own way of living rather than being in the doubt. And it's wise to understand that what makes them happy could be considerably different than what makes us truly happy.

A Choice

2019-11-23T22:41:00.003+05:30

A choice is to be made
far from the loved
the voices in the head
ask to stay and be there

a friend is in need
and he does get lonely
reasons be a lot more
a single enough only

Love is in us
and not in us apart
what sustains the world
than love in thy heart?

hold the hand now
not just let it go
regrets are out there
and always do they grow.

Time does not wait,
nor does it rewind
leave it to the fate
or be one of your kind.

Quiet

2019-11-20T02:25:00.000+05:30

This is about the morning incident. I had to go to a place to meet one of my colleagues from a company where we worked together for some time. I thought I can't do that without breakfast. I mean, I had only slept for 2 and a half hours. I needed some energy.

So, I was hoping that the Juicemaker would be open before 9 am. I went there, had breakfast. The regular Bombay Sandwich and Watermelon Juice. Juicemaker is a very small outlet that serves juices and snacks and it is very close to the place where I am currently staying. There is a footpath right outside it which is usually busy with people sitting on chairs. The other small outlets from nearby serve snacks that people eat sitting on these little chairs. I visit this place regularly.

After having breakfast, I was waiting outside for the auto to arrive. An old man quietly came near, he was still not very close. He had a walking cane stick in his hand for the support. I was busy looking at the app curious about when my auto would arrive. Initially, my attention didn't go towards him as there were other people around and he didn't appear very different, but finally, I actually looked at him. He was old, probably in his 50s, weak and walking very slowly.

He just looked towards me and raised his hand a little for a short while. I mumbled, "Sorry!". He didn't say a single word, didn't change his expression, and stopped looking at me and stayed at his place. He started looking elsewhere, probably in search of someone who could give him something.

I have ignored people before and regretted, I always wanted to help or trust them. This time I replayed it in my mind. I saw myself having breakfast, spending probably more than what that sandwich and juice was worth. Booking an auto, waiting for it outside. The old man coming close, and this time I tried to really see what he might be seeing. The priceless expressions that were on his face, the curiosity, the sense of worry. The quietness of his really made my heart sad. His clothes were not torn, they looked very old though. I tried looking at how much money I had in my wallet. I found Rs. 70 in there. I took out Rs. 20 note from it and approached him and offered it to him. He slowly raised his hand to collect it and gave me a nod. I felt happy. But till my auto arrived, I kept on looking at what he did next.

He continued walking slowly. There is a Sagar next to Juicemaker, he looked at that place. I don't know what he thought about. Maybe he was thinking of getting enough money to have breakfast at that place. Maybe he wanted more money for something and he was expecting people coming out of Sagar to offer him more. I saw a girl kid offering him money, he nodded at her too. All this while, he never spoke a word. Maybe he just wanted money to do something wrong, but that is a thought that never occurred in my mind as it appears now. And I am so happy that this thought never came then.

He might have really needed that money or maybe he might have not. But this week, I certainly spent the money on things that I didn't even need. Overpriced chocolate shake, simple food, autos, entertainment. I wish I had somehow talked to him and asked about his story. But I didn't.

Fantasy

2019-10-22T04:00:00.001+05:30

I have always heard people talk about fantasies, but everytime I felt like I had none. I have seen people writing fiction, it does require quite a bit of imagination. But I love writing about things that are. But fantasies do keep us alive. Something fake but helps us survive the reality.

I suddenly realised today the fantasies that I have had. The ones that keep me alive with the hope that someday I would live those moments in reality.

I imagine at times driving a car or being in a car with family, on a high way but surrounded by trees, it is drizzling or the sky is cloudy. It's a non scary route, we are not scared of any mishaps. We are long way from home and not in a rush to reach somewhere. Not scared that it might get dark and that it might get difficult to drive in night. Knowing all that, we just breathe fresh, pure air. The eyes can see green all around. We stop and get out of the car with a flask of hot tea. We pour it in paper cups and smile and take a long breath as we sip our tea.

There is another image that appears in my mind when I chase cars around my head. This one I can really feel like I am living it. I see vast area, dark green grass all around, the ground is not level but the grass feels so natural and premium. It's a dark blue grayish sky. With clouds. It's evening. I see myself lying down on the grass. I see no one around to the far distance. There is no worry or terror of anything. I just close my eyes as it drizzles. I feel no pain. There is nothing in mind. It makes me smile every single time. It is said that we keep on wishing for something or the other thing, one level accomplished, want to achieve another. I just want to live this one. I believe I would not want anything else, then.

Hero Memories

2019-10-11T02:34:00.000+05:30

At times, we do want to look back on our lives and remember the moments that have been precious to us. Unlike the movie endings, it's rare to have such moments that would make us heroes. If only we had not always been concerned about the very next moment of taking a decision, maybe we would have taken some drastic decisions in our lives. But as of now, how many memories do we really have that would make us feel like a hero?

What have I done in the last two years? I can fake it and not be honest with myself to tell you how much I have learned. What would I do with this learning? I might tell you that I might make better decisions in life now. But wouldn't that be true in any case, anyway? We are growing old, we are becoming wiser. I have lived for 27 years yet and it's still tough to tell you some of my memories with excitement on my face. The ones that I would tell you about though, had been the tough decisions to make. Those were the ones that one would make not thinking about the side effects of it.

What's the point of making normal decisions? It's not about someone remembering us when we are gone. It's also not about having memories that we can tell others. But if there are memories that we can look back at and feel the same excitement as we had when we lived those, I feel it's worth making those memories. Often times we are given the choice between making a normal decision and a crazy one. Almost every time a normal decision is the sane one. Almost every time we would feel like we would lose something if we made a crazy decision. Yet make that decision. Such would be the ones that would make some abnormal memories. After all, living for so many years, a normal life, I certainly believe it has been boring.

Our lives could also have such memorable moments that some of the really good movies ever made have. We might never match with an ending of a movie, but it's not always only about the ending.

There is not much that we could lose that we are not gonna lose anyway.

Let's stop making normal memories in life, stop following timelines, achieving milestones, accomplishing missions and finishing levels. If one life is long, it doesn't have to be lived as only one life.

Little Goals

2019-10-06T00:53:00.000+05:30

I like to walk to the office from home daily. This walk gives me time to think. While I really like to live a slow life and avoid all the speed that the traffic and noise bring in, the thoughts always revolve around in my head. This reminds me that I had left 'The heartfulness way' in the middle, I gotta read it.

The office is not really far from my home. After I get out of the house, I only have to take a couple of turns and then it's a straight main road to work. I like to walk on the footpath on the right side. The road has a separator. There are small milestones on the way, the police station, the stall where a person sells Mausambi juice, the Nilgiris store, and the right turn just before a small park that leads to a peaceful path surrounded by trees and on the other side of it, are small nice houses.

Every day it's a different thought, but it's mostly based on the same theme and leads me towards the same ultimate thought - I have to get out of here, Bangalore, and stay near to my family. What am I even doing here? My parents are living a monotonous life, and they have told me that they get bored now. The decisions have been pending for so long now.

Then a friend came from Hyderabad for a wedding. He stayed here for a couple of days and we eventually figured out the problems with ourselves regarding not being able to work on ideas. We also wrote down the solutions to the problems we came across. I also introduced him to another friend of mine at work. At least 3 folks in the team can keep each other motivated. We still have to plan for what to do next about the idea that we discussed then.

When I was going to the office today, I saw a man who couldn't see walking with a stick in his hand, trying to use the stick to figure out if there is an obstruction ahead. But he was walking, slowly. I am not walking even though I can see what is ahead of me.

I wanted to help him, I thought of helping him, a little too late though. I could have still gone back and helped him, but I realized that I was also rushing towards the next little goal, reaching office.

And then I started thinking if it's all superficial and not really in the heart.

I also walk back home every day from the office in the evening. This time my mind gets too busy in finding a way to walk and making sure that I stay safe, with all the two and four-wheelers rushing towards their next little goal. I had not imagined that even walking on the roads would become difficult one day.

Hope is a good thing. Probably the best of things. It comes when we start doing things to make our lives better. The sense of happiness comes only through that.

There is no auspicious moment to start working towards making things better. Just as there was no better moment to start writing once again.

Probably we all can learn something from the old times, the old ourselves. We had a lot of reasons to be happy, or did we? The little goals back then were as purposeless as they are today, it's only us who have started giving them more importance.

Irrational Wisdom

2019-06-22T23:49:00.001+05:30

When we are little, we learn how to learn things. We start learning once we understand how things are logically connected. Of course, for that, we do need to first understand how logic works. Many of us do get to spend a lot of time alone, just thinking about things, logically connecting them in some way or the other, experiment and then verify. We can then finally draw conclusions about something being right or wrong just by being rational, with logic. The best part is, it's not even an absolute thing. We could have our own logic to draw different conclusions for the same data. I also did the same, when I finally thought I could understand things, I became a rational person and created own set of rules for myself.

It continued for a long time, I knew when people were fighting, there was a crowd around, there was no logic in watching them fight. It was wrong to talk about someone and insult them behind their backs and even in front of them. It was just wrong to joke on someone. Over the years, the logic changed when I realized the motive for the things that we create in this world. The purpose was just to make living easier, better and blissful. But our own logic started making us feel unhappy.

I grew even more curious, watched people for a long time. I learned from them about different perspectives. I got another purpose - to become wiser. But how could I become wise? There had to be logic that would help me gain wisdom. Of course, for that, I had to know what wisdom meant first.

So I started chasing cars around my head. Was it really worth being rational and yet being unhappy? No, it was not. The realization that the most important things in life are not based on logic is what convinced me. So what do we choose then? Love vs logic? Of course, love. Forgiveness vs anger? Forgiveness. Empathy vs Doubt? Empathy. Reason vs Intuition? Well, Intuition. And yet, all of it was based on logic.

Every action that I took, I thought before, I asked myself the same question every time - "What would be a wise thing to do now?". I still continue to do that.

But I couldn't reason this with anyone else. It is not something to reason about. Becoming wise is the only purpose, the only thing that can satisfy us. There would be an ideal state, the ideal way of doing things, the things that are done by everyone else, things that are popular, recommended ones, but my intuition might make me feel to do something very irrational, illogical. I might still just do it my way.

Blissful Awakening

2019-02-08T22:47:00.000+05:30

Where am I?...I wake up after a long time. I don't know this place but it seems familiar for some reason. I see no one around me but lots of huge trees, leaves, rough pathways, animals and birds that don't seem to be scared of me. They look curious though, feels like they have not seen someone like me before. A cool breeze is blowing due to which trees sway, they don't seem to have complaints of any kind. I can hear the sound of a river flowing nearby. The sound is so full of tranquil. After a long time, I am feeling light, like I have never been tired, sad and lost my entire life. Is this bliss? Am I alive? I must be because I have never felt so alive in a while. I realize that I have a smile on my face.

Strangely, there is no fear in me. I get up and I look around, I am in a pursuit of something. There.., it seems so familiar. I have seen something like this before. Even if I had a language that I could speak, I wouldn't be able to explain the beauty that I find in its eyes and that serene smile. But there is no language that we know of, no words that we know to speak. Still, somehow, we are talking. There is no noise though that we can make. I ask her the place where I am and what all this is. And now I know, with a blink of her eyes. It tells me, this is my blissful awakening.

Hormones

2019-02-04T01:18:00.000+05:30

We have always been talking about the good and the bad. The state of mind, the happiness that we look for and the contingencies that we try to avoid. The stability and satisfaction are what we have been thriving for, for a long time now. Of course, we are in pursuit of contentment. It has been continuing for long and yet we fail to define what it is that we are looking for. What am I looking for?

There was a time when everything was clear in mind and I was certain about things and how they work, life was really easy back then. I was special, life is like a mirror is what I used to believe along with several other quotes that defined me. What was I other than those quotes that I had read? As I grew old, things started confusing me and I was never sure about the right and the wrong. What is being wise? I think being wise is to understand that the possibilities are endless. Living an ordinary life is both simple and painful. It is also boring. And we never know what happens after life anyways, so extra-ordinary is to be deserved now.

I am at the peak of confusion right now. In a struggle. A lot of folks whom I love are connected to me who all have some expectations from me. What is my life right now other than their expectations? I feel I am now less made of myself but others.

Confusion is what indicates wiseness too I guess. Because what is really right and wrong? It's all hormones. It's all based on our actions and perspectives. Eating good food can then perhaps make us do good things. But I can't take even a damn smallest decision anymore. I have got worries now due to those expectations.

I used to rely on my intuition most of the times when I took decisions. But my intuitions now tells me that I am doing wrong for almost anything I do. Change is scary sometimes. I always used to find my own solution to the problems I faced and this time I see only one solution, taking a decision that my intuition denies to take. After all, extraordinary life cannot be made with ordinary decisions.

Nothing in Mind

2018-01-14T01:53:00.000+05:30

With nothing in mind, I was born

No knowledge of truth or false

All the noise they have made

Worthless words they ever said

has lead me to here and now

I want to be silent and observe silence,

I want to rise again, with nothing in mind.

No Contingency

2017-08-08T11:16:00.000+05:30

All his life

He was rife

with all the smallest doubt

the way he lived

for things, he limned-

all was trivial throughout

and at his fall

when the end did call

He knew it all was prime

(yet) it couldn’t have been

another way be seen

For life is not beyond time.

Word of Moment

2017-05-12T00:51:00.001+05:30

I am moving, leaving behind all the sweet memories. Those sweet memories make me sad as I realize that I can never live the same moments again. It leaves me in a state where I am smiling and feeling pain at the same time. The pain is unbearable. The memories are blurry and it's becoming hard to understand whether I had a better life then or I have a better life now. I feel old and I realize I have lost a lot of things being unaware of their worth. I continue to loose them even today. The precious present moment slips from my palm as I listen to the concerns and plans of people in another dimension. The answer to secret questions somehow do not convince me. All the noise that I listen makes me wonder if there is a purpose already explained in an answer or a different purpose. Is really the only sane reason of human existence, love?

Trying to explain a reason, I write these words,
being within the limits - the words, my feelings remain unexplained.

No End.

2017-02-28T23:02:00.000+05:30

When I was little, I used to eagerly wait for those days and times when something good would happen. I believed we would do a lot of hard work, save money and one day would be able to buy a Scooter. Days and months and years passed and my wish grew stronger. Then suddenly one day, my father called me and showed me a Scooter at home. It took me some time to accept that it was ours.

Over time, different days, different times and different wishes. But there was a dream. A dream is something more than just a wish. It's something that you believe is a little far from reality and you doubt that it would happen, still, you keep faith in the possibility of it. It was to have our own home built. I imagined how it would be if we had our own home. It felt so awesome just to think about it. There were so many fake memories built up in my mind. Just because of the fact that it was a dream, I tried to image a little more than what reality could permit.

A few more months passed and it felt like life was a computer game. There were levels to complete. Getting marks, passing exams, completing homework, winning prizes, getting myself appreciated. And as time passed, without any realization, the stages that had been completed looked easier to achieve. I observed. I don't remember when I started, but I observed a lot of people and things. Suddenly, I didn't want to play the game the way I had been playing it. I didn't want any of those things that anyone else whom I knew wanted.

Everything was so easy that anybody could do it. I saw our home getting built, I saw us buying a car. Those were the things that I had dreamt of. It took some efforts to realize the difference between game and life. In life, there was no end.

Slowly, observing good people around me, my purpose became different than just living and accomplishing the levels that I decided would be the end of a phase and the start of a happily ever after. I wanted to live and experience the world. I did need a home, but I didn't dream of it anymore. I wanted to visit places, meet good people and help them. And I wanted to learn to be a good person. I wanted to accept things how they are and not complain if they did not harm to anyone.

I still have a dream. I imagine a place full of bliss. A large open field fully covered with little fresh grass, a dark blue cloudy sky. I see myself lying down on it with my eyes closed, I feel no fear. No fear of people, of animals or of any sort. I am alone there but still not feeling lonely. Everyone in that world trusts others. There isn't any violence, selfishness, lies, arrogance, anger or any chance of it. It starts raining and I am smiling.

I believe in my dream. I have seen miracles happening in the world I live in. I have seen people becoming good from bad, I have seen people who couldn't live without each other go really really far and feel no affection at all for each other, and I have tried doing things that I believed I couldn't do and succeeded in them.

There are endless possibilities in the world, anything could happen. I just don't know what I will loose and what I will gain till the dream is achieved. But I am sure that a lot of things will change, a lot of things would not be the way we need them to be. No matter how sure we are about those things, they're certain to change. And the change would be unexpected. It's a contingency. There has to be an end, an unexpected end. The ones that we know about, dream about, they are no ends.

Chasing Cars

2017-02-26T10:59:00.000+05:30

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

And I can listen to it over and over again. A song that inspires me every single time I listen to it. A song that gives me a purpose.

Stop.

2017-02-20T02:05:00.001+05:30

When I was in 11th and 12th standard in School, I spent most of my time in observing people. Of course there were opinions from everywhere that proved that I was doing something wrong, in the minds from where they originated. I couldn't care more about it than anything else. It was not voluntary. My teachers had in mind what has to happen with us, with every student in the class, with a target to achieve, and a purpose lost. And I wasn't ready for that, I always wanted to do something different. But I didn't know then, what I know now, and it's all about that lost purpose.

I think we all have got the capability to think logically. We make statements that state facts and the collection of statements prove something that we call the conclusion. Now, if we know the conclusive state where we want to reach, we try to find the statements which can conclude that. The state where I want to reach is Bliss. And I want to witness before I die, a world where everyone has it. A world with pure love and happiness and nothing else. I wanna believe that this is the state that everyone wants to reach, irrespective of them being aware of it. Awakening is nothing else but to know about it.

It's a deadlock though, isn't it? I can't make you happy unless that's what even you want to be. And I certainly can't make you happy by making someone else unhappy if that's the way to make you happy. But I won't be happy unless you are happy, and the world is happy. Should happiness be dependent?

This deadlock has to be broken, and I don't believe it's not possible. I have already heard a lot of opinions, they were wrong and they will continue to be ignored. My way of doing it is to ask you, to request you, to have a conversation with you. If only I could do this, if only you would listen to me, I need to ask you to stop.

Stop. Please. It's too much for us to handle, too much is happening. There is so much rush. Rush to achieve things with a lost purpose. Please think about that purpose. What is it that you are here for. Don't you want to be happy too? We can achieve it all being together. Please think for more than just a moment. Stop looking at things, stop listening to things, stop thinking. Whatever we are told is wrong. We need to stop and wait. Listen to music if that helps. Smile. We are here for something that both of us want. Stop other people from ruining it. Ask them to stop too. Ask them to think about the Purpose. And I promise that we can make it happen.

With a true purpose and a clear state of mind, all we need to do is just stop rushing to the end.

A Stomach Ache

2016-11-24T00:56:00.002+05:30

It is always an endless contingency that makes us feel that life is short. No matter if a person is realist, optimist, pessimist or whatever, there are certain aspects that everyone ignores. Maybe we don't wanna know enough about life, who created this world, why are we living, just because it's not possible to find out. Even if we find something, what's the proof its right? But at some point of life, there happens an incident that makes you feel that there is something very important in life, and that's the only thing that matters in this life.

Almost a year ago, I started having the stomach ache. In the beginning, it was bearable, but day by day it kept increasing till a weekend came when it got unbearable. I got up at around 5 am and couldn't sleep again. I avoid going to doctors, but that day I really wanted to see one. On a recommendation, I went to a very good hospital (that was very expensive, well that's how we know certain things are good). The hospital was very clean and professional and yet I didn't like the surrounding atmosphere. The consulting fee itself was quite a lot. I didn't care. I got the appointment with the doctor and was asked to be seated till my turn came. Everyone around me was at unease which was making me feel even more uneasy. When I finally met the doctor, he asked me a few questions and that if I drink alcohol which I answered in negative. He told me that I should be getting an upper endoscopy done which I didn't really want to get done but I just wanted the suffering to go away. The results showed that I had H. Pylori bacteria infection and the treatment was obvious. I was happy that the disease was known and so I just had to take meds for a month or so. I took an auto to go back home and I started having unbearable pain again. I asked the auto driver to stop at a medical shop and I was barely able to stand, asked the shopkeeper to give the meds written in the prescription. I got them, I asked for water which he didn't have. I reached home and took the medicine and I started feeling better. I was almost sure that the suffering would go away now only to find out it getting increasing day by day. I had planned to go home for vacation for 2 weeks but it was happening almost a week before it would have begun.

From next day, I started waking up at around 3 am suffering from a lot of pain. When you feel so much pain, it makes you tired and you just want one thing, to go back to sleep because that would not let you notice the pain. But when you are in so much pain, you can't sleep. I used to get up because lying down didn't help, and then I sat because walking wore me out even more. I just tried to find things that I could eat without making the situation worse but no matter what I ate, I still felt the same pain. And it used to occur at times, for hours. Soon I figured out that taking really hot water shower took away the pain from notice. I used to be in the shower for hours. That part of the day was the only time when I didn't feel the pain. I used to get out of it, start to feel it again, which used to make me go back in it again.

The situation wasn't getting better and I was almost sure that it's the medicines that are making it worse. But I had to take it, the complete course. The whole day I used to be at home, and there was only one person whose company I would like and I actually got that. Someone took care of what I was eating and that I don't feel alone.

I finally went home. On my way back home, I had to stay at my Uncle's place for the night. I did. There was some occasion that day and so the food made was special which I couldn't have eaten because it would have made my condition worse. I had bread sandwiches that were specially made for me and few apple slices. Everyone went to sleep when I started feeling terrible pain again. But I didn't wanna show that to everyone and so I controlled it. I got up during late night when everyone was sleeping, I threw up everything I had eaten. My stomach was empty. I went and have hot water shower for an hour. I came out and tried sleeping but I couldn't. I think I was able to sleep only for an hour or so when other people had woken up and they were talking to each other about why the bathroom floor was so wet. I was listening to them all but I was pretending that I was asleep (and till date they don't know who went to the bathroom and took shower that early). Reaching home that day I felt good. But when you suffer, people who are near you and love you feel sad. My mom did everything she could to make me feel happy and to forget my suffering. Everything.

I still felt the same amount of pain. I was sure that the pain would never ever go away. I was tired of pain, and I was getting used to it. The whole day I just looked forward night to arrive so that I can finish up those meds and sleep. And I remembered all the moments that I had wasted in my life till then in just working and doing things that were of no importance. You want things in life when you are absolutely alright. But when you are not, you just want to become normal and to be able to live a normal life because that is what is extraordinary. I wanted just that. Every day I used to think about things that I would do if I ever get alright. A stomach ache was forcing me to figure out and think about things that are important and really matter. And I was happy for just that part.

(To be continued...)

Ego & Arguments

2016-07-14T00:13:00.002+05:30

I wish there were no such thing as 'winning' an argument. I have argued with a lot with people, I have won the arguments and I do have lost some. But thinking more about what life is and what is it that I really want from life has taught me the real point of having an argument. And 'winning' or 'losing' is not the point.

As by now, we know (well, I do if you don't) that we all are in the pursuit of happiness and we would do everything and anything just to get happiness. Arguing over a fact makes no sense as a fact can be found out without wasting time in arguing. There could be disagreements in philosophical arguments but there is no end to philosophy so there is no real point of winning or losing it, anyone can keep on continuing in contradicting each point and land to nowhere. But it's hard to not argue over something just because there is no point in arguing, isn't it? There is a possibility of result only when something starts. So, we argue.

Then what? Because there really isn't any point of arguing over most of the things, winning or losing shouldn't affect anyone. But it does, all because of evil ego. I wish there was no such thing as ego.

The real point of arguing is to understand better, to know about different perspectives to look at something, to know about more philosophy, to know the facts. Arguments are supposed to happen to increase the knowledge. But the instant we start thinking about winning an argument, the whole purpose is lost, then we start forcing our knowledge, be it right or wrong, over others. We stop learning from that instant. And even if you win it, there won't be satisfaction, because somewhere deep in the heart, you would know that it was ego that won the argument, and ego can't make you happy.

Maybe we can learn to appreciate the arguments, and learn to be a little sorry. Being polite while arguing won't make you lose your value because even if the other person is not ready to lose an argument because of ego, anyways he is going to think about it later and think about that you really didn't want to 'just win' it, sooner or later he is going to understand the purpose, and once he does, he might make others understand it. Let's try and destroy one ego, and start having some good arguments, shall we?

An old woman and a woman

2016-02-14T23:38:00.001+05:30

In the evening today, one of my friends and I decided to go eat out. The restaurant was around 2 km from where I live in Bangalore. We were talking about things and walking and it was dark already. There was a road that we had to cross and immediately after that we reached the restaurant and found it closed. There were no lights nearby, very dark. We immediately started for home, not thinking of any other place to eat, had no other plans, when we heard some sound.

I felt like some little boy is cried hard and loud. Like he was hurt badly somehow. But just then we could see some shapes and it was clear that one very old weak woman was sitting down on road just in front of a door next to the restaurant, and one other woman was beating her. She was crying hard and blabbering something, it felt like she was begging for stop beating her, but the other woman continued and she also kept blabbering something that I couldn't understand.

We looked there, didn't want to ignore and just leave, still we left. I feel we could have stopped her and asked what the matter was, but endless contingent possibilities stopped me.

While crossing that road back, my friend said, "Sometimes I feel its all about destiny. Maybe everyone is getting what they have to."

And we continued walking.

Rise up!

2015-11-27T22:28:00.004+05:30

O dear! why thine eyes

wet and cold

What thoughts in thy heart

unsaid, untold

Tears and pain, thee mumble

not say loud

Thou too tired O dear,

all that noisy crowd?

I lend thee my hand dear,

for thou have fallen and hurt

Would thou hold my hand dear?

hold it, let's get up

Silence, all there would be

wouldn’t be said, a word

Silence though it would be,

Thou would not be unheard

(She rises! looks into eyes)

O thine eyes dear!

I hear their say

Why thy tears dance,

What thy pray'rs pray!

Of those words I have,

'tis this I say:

Thou not give up,

one another assay

Do not give up,

thou be wise

Even the darkest night ends,

the sun rise.

My Solitude

2015-09-07T00:18:00.001+05:30

Today is my 5th night of staying alone in a new city. I had wished for this for a long time for figuring out a lot of things that I could have only done if I had spent some time alone. Those who have made mistakes become wiser only when they know what they have done was wrong. I wanted to waste some time thinking upon the things that I had been doing for years.

I would say that I have met people of several kind in this world. I have tried to behave like a mirror to them. The way they have been with me, I would mostly try to be the same with them. Not being fake, but just because I can never define 'good', or a 'perfect' person in there. Perspectives, I care about. The only difference between the earlier me and the current me is that I used to think a lot about things then. Thinking that much now, gives me migraine. There are just too many things in life to take care of, its only natural to argue about whether to go with doing one thing or not. And just because I can't define 'normal', I can go on arguing with myself and contradict every single last argument that comes in mind.

(To be continued...)

What's this feeling?

2015-06-01T00:16:00.000+05:30

I always used to wonder what would happen when all the wishes of anyone would be fulfilled. I have heard from people that they never get over, people will just keep wishing forever and ever. Still, assuming that one day they got over, wouldn't it be monotonous. Wouldn't life be boring? Wouldn't it be just like how I am feeling right now? Even though my wishes haven't been fulfilled, then what's this feeling that I have right now.

It has been a few weeks now, I have no motivation, no inspiration. I am just living. I still have got wishes, I am still trying to get all of my family to live together at a place and live happily.

But I am bored, nothing feels exciting anymore, nothing in the world is giving me thrills. I had never thought life would become so boring some day. I have got nothing to do at all now. What should I do, where should I spend my time? I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't feel like listening to anyone. I feel like doing nothing. I had always liked building software and applications, my current job demands the same from me. But. I am just building. I don't feel like I should.

Whenever I have faced any problems, I have tried to come up with my own solutions to come out of them. And I tried to find out even this time. I started swimming, and then I stopped. I bought a DSLR, to take pics of things, and I did, and then I stopped. I see people doing so many things to feel happy and to feel excited, I tried every possible thing that I could, and it was so damn boring. I haven't even laughed genuinely for weeks now. Every weekday, I go to the office, I build applications, I am too much involved in it generally, and every evening I come home and I have got nothing to do after that. I even used to work for some past weekends, and then I had to stop.

It's 12:03 am on June 1, 2015. I can see silence from my window. It's so still outside. My logics are failing in figuring out what should be done. Why is it so boring. Life can't be just this. There must be some meaning. There has to be some meaning.

I remember doon, I had a lot of friends there. Everybody would have been awake right now and if somebody had said "let's go to have a walk", all of us would get up and just go. It doesn't feel the same right now. Every day, it just feels like I am wasting time, I am wasting it doing what I am doing.

I know something must be done, I shouldn't be wasting time anymore, and if I continue doing whatever I have been doing for so many days, I will have to repent later on for sure. I will try to think even harder now. Maybe I am missing something very very important that I should consider. I am so much uncertain about the future. About mine and of this world. I am not liking what I see people doing. Peace can't be brought if the same gets continued. I am unable to figure out an Answer yet. Maybe I have to think more, maybe I have to put more efforts. How will people start trusting each other? How are they going to love each other? How will this deadlock be broken? Oh god, please help me out in figuring out this thing, a very important one. Maybe then I would be able to take a peaceful sleep. But...what's this feeling...? Is it the same that I think it is about...?

Story of Anonymous 1

2015-02-22T22:41:00.002+05:30

Many times when I am in a bus or train, I just observe people and the things they do. And then I think about whether I would do those things a little differently?

While coming back from Mahabaleshwar to Pune, I saw an old man selling Guavas (fruit) sitting near a toll booth. The idea would have been to be able to sell the fruit to people who stop by. I was in a traveller that stopped in the queue and then I saw a car in the other lane that stopped next to him and the front-left door of the car opened and a girl (age around 27-29) asked the man something and he got up and gave her a Guava. He waited for money while the cars that were ahead started moving and so they also had to move, she asked the man to follow the car and take the money when it stops again (the queue was long), when he started walking, I saw that he was limping as he was slightly crippled. He reached the car again when it stopped, the door again opened and then the girl asked something again and the man walked again to the point where he had put all the Guavas for sale (around 50 m far) and took one more guava and again went back to the car. But the car again started moving and stopped at the booth. He went to the car and the door opened again and he gave the fruit and took the money from her. He counted the money while the car had already left, and came back slowly to his place. And our traveller paid the toll and we started moving again...

Inspired by?

2015-02-08T15:47:00.001+05:30

There are as many ways of thinking about a thing as the number of perspectives. The wonderful fact about perspective is that it makes anything in the world right and the same thing wrong at the same time. And that makes everything relative. Then why do we worry a lot about things that don't matter at all? Perhaps we are inspired by the wrong ones, perhaps we are following the wrong ones...

"Why can't we be like them?" Einstein, Newton were history, did something great. And there are lots in present. It could be a 12th standard student looking at an IITian, a student in college looking at someone working in Google, any general someone looking at the 'perfect' other one.

We meet them daily, we are inspired by the acts they do, by the words they speak. Why do we look at them in shock sometimes that they have a great ability that we don't have? Do we have no value? Aren't we special in any way then?

I believe there is something really special about everyone. We have lived a life too, and every life has a truly wonderful story. We know things too, maybe not the ones that we see in the people whom we are inspired with, but why do we overestimate values. Why don't we spend some more time in thinking about ourselves, about that one special thing about us that no other person has? Because when it comes to doing things, every person is able to do anything in this world. I have spent time in trying to prove that to myself, and it was a success. But then I never would want to waste more time in proving things.

Maybe you are constantly looking at others, but don't forget that someone is constantly looking at you too.

I am not inspired by any of them. I am inspired by something different, something that makes living more easier and happier. I am inspired by Life. I am inspired by innocence. I am inspired by Trust, I am inspired by Care & I am inspired by Truth. Every moment gives you the choice to live how you want to live. Would you waste that moment in following something that is making you worried? Would you just waste it just so that the not-innocent ones can rule over you? Life is long, but it is short. It is all relative.

I see the nature and it really makes me happy. Being with people who care about me makes me happy. When somebody speaks truth when its difficult for him, I feel happy. And trust me, that level of happiness is far better than any other kind.

I can imagine myself surrounded by all sort of people, but I choose to tag them as good. I can look at them and tell myself that they really must have had a different story in life, I always try to support their actions with my thoughts.

But it never does end there. The judgements make us tag people. Someday I will stop judging everyone and maybe then I will be the most happy person. And maybe I will inspire someone.

So, let me ask you this question - what is it that you are inspired by? Is it the people around you who ask you to do something because rules must be followed because that's the right thing? Are you inspired by them because they have the ability to do some particular thing? Or is it the people who ask you to do whatever makes you happy no matter what because nothing is as important as being happy. If you don't know, perhaps you really need to spend some time for yourself, some time thinking just about you and the things that you do.

and I just ask you to be at peace and follow your heart rather than following people!