Red and Taylor walked along

Both of them singing a song.

Behind the two was their son and daughter

Who stopped by a lake for a drink water.

When Taylor did see that they stopped at the lake

He said what a good place for a picnic to make.

He gathered the three to see what they could see

To make a yummy brunch, with a gallon of tea.

Red gathered lots of mint and a honeycomb to go with it.

And after that she dug a fire pit.

Ethan started a fire with his magnifying  glass

And got it going with some dried grass.

Red heated the tea over the fire pit

And said, It will be ready in just a bit,

so Red asked Sophie to the gather fruits

While Ethan dug up the tasty roots

While Taylor was off making the jam

Ethan and Sophie played and swam.

From the tea Red took a sip

And then even she decided to go for a dip

The three of them played and splashed about

They were all having fun without a doubt.

Taylor jumped in and joined the three

Splashing and playing completely care free.

After awhile they dried off in the sun

Having there picnic and family fun.

That’s when Taylor said it was time to play

and Sophie knew it would be the highlight of her day.

Red got her bass and Ethan his drums

and Taylor played a few strums

On his guitar while Sophie got ready to sing out a song

That was so pretty, loud and strong!

As the family played and Sophie sang out a tune

that was prettier than all of the flowers in June.

And as she sang all of the animals gathered around

so carefully they didn’t make a sound

When Sophie was done, that did change

Clapping and cheering impressed by her range!

That’s when they cried for an encore

And the family started playing once more.

Taylor’s guitar sounded so sweet

And Red’s bass was quite the treat

Ethan played drums with amazing grace

And Sophie sang beautifully to the pace

After they were done the animals withdrew

And Red hugged Sophie and said I’m so proud of you.

And as always here is her about section:

“I am a writer, an ellipticizer, a mother, a wife, a lion-tamer, a diet coke quitter, a juggler, a getter-of-drinks. I drink my coffee a little sweet and a little light. I like the smell of clean sheets and the feel of almost everything from anthropologie. I chew minty gum and love history more than the average person should, really. I am an expert in the art of time suckage. I like to quote movies, eat cookie dough, and read. I love Jon Hamm and I miss LOST. I wear confidence glasses and was raised by my television set. I wish I could rid the world of LOLspeak and wearing leggings as pants. I am Canada’s Emma Pillsbury and Annie Edison and my children tell me that I am a DOF (destroyer of fun). I am learning to use my camera better and love my thighs more. I am the new editor-in-chief at theYummy Mummy Club by day, and a helper-with-homework and expert snuggler by night.

If you are not already reading Cheaper Than Therapy, you should get on that right away.

Egret and Samara met at their usual spot

and for a spring day it was unusually hot.

So they went for a swim like they sometimes do

snorkeling and spraying until their hunger grew.

Sam, I’m starting to get very hungry

It’s time for lunch, don’t you agree?

I’m with you. I could eat too,

let’s find that field were those dandelions grew.

Egret said of course, I know where to find it.

Just follow me and we will be there in a bit.

Egret lead the way and Sam followed after,

and as they did the girls filled the air with laughter.

On there way they found lots of fruits.

not to mention some tasty roots.

They snacked for a bit but left room in their tummies

for the giant field of dandelion yummies.

The field was alive with yellow and green

so many dandelions could be seen.

They ate some and took a break, but as they were eating more

from out of the field came a bellowing snore.

Another Elephant was sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake him they didn’t make a peep.

But the Elephant got up on his own

not quite awake with a sleepy grown.

Hi there girls, Taylor’s my name

I was just taking a rest after a game.

Well I am Egret and this is Sam.

It’s nice to meet you but I better scram!

I’m meeting my band at one o clock,

Its’s time to go; its time to rock!

Taylor said, I hope you have a good day,

and with that the boy elephant was on his way.

Egret and Sam wanted to say,

it was nice meeting you, but he was too far away.

After a momenet the girls turned back around

to the giant field of dandelions they had found.

They started to eat and thought it was a treat

to elephants dandelions taste so sweet!

As they moved through the field that day

They found a bunch of dandelions the color of grey

What are these?  I’ve never seen them before,

As Egret found a whole lot more.

Don’t you know anything Egret? Which she knew wasn’t nice to say

And as soon as she said it, she started to regret it right away.

I’m sorry Egret that wasn’t very nice!

She said it not once, she said it twice!

It’s OK Sam I know you weren’t trying to be mean

so tell me why these dandelions are grey and green.

The grey parts are seeds that blow in the wind

They grow new dandelions, and that’s when Sam grinned

My Daddy said if you blow on one your wish will come true

But I didn’t have any luck and it made me blue.

Well maybe its like a falling star, Red told this to me and I’ll tell it to you.

If you want your wish to come true, there is more than wishing to do.

First you must wish with all of your heart,

which is naturally the most important part.

But there is one more thing, you can not forget

Your wish Samara, must stay a secret.

So what did you wish for at the last time?

To dance like you, that would be sublime!

Well why don’t I teach you, we can try again,

I’m happy to do it, just tell me when.

I don’t know, Sam said, you see how I fall.

I’m kind of clumsy after all.

Don’t say that Sam, its not true

Nobody plays the drums better than you.

But with the drums I don’t move around,

Not much of a chance I will fall on the ground.

Well I’ve seen you swim and I’ve seen you run,

your not so clumsy when you’re having fun.

Thank you Egret, that’s nice of you to say

We can try again on some other day.

But right now what I want is to blow on the flowers.

Let’s see if they do have any magical powers.

OK Sam, let’s give it a try

blow on the seeds and watch them fly.

But before we do, remember what I said,

the rules for wishing that I learned from Red.

Both girls took breaths so deap

and held them so long without making a peep.

Then they made their wishes and let their air fly!

There were so many seeds flying in the sky,

you could hardly see anything at all

until the the seeds began to fall.

And that’s when the girls made their way home.

Walking in silence but never alone.

Sadly I did not keep my promise to Josh and finish an Egret story. It was not for a lack of trying. I actually wrote a lot, but this is a huge story compared to everything else. This will definitely be a stand alone book, which I will have to work on in chunks. In the mean time I have some ideas for smaller stories, so hopefully I will have another one out soon.

I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist on Monday, so I’m debating the idea of just dealing with the depression until Monday, or reach out sooner….

Growing up I was not very religious. Spiritual in my own way, yet very much attracted to the sciences. When it came to religion I have never doubted in G-d but religion itself was always a bit difficult for me.  But honestly the two things haven’t been two hard to reconcile in my mind. They speak to different parts of me.  I always chalked up what I saw as fallibility in religion as a failure to understand G-d. This post in not actually about religion. Its about me, and wondering how fallible I am in knowing myself.

Years before Melissa I dated a girl that I almost married.  We had a very intense relationship. The night she left me, I never forgot what she said. How can I love you if I don’t love myself. Now her issues with depression were far worse than mine. Maybe that is part of what drew me to her. My own inner depression, wanting to reach out to someone in that kind of place (though considerably worse). I’m also a nurture by nature, which is why I often think I would make a better stay at home dad, than and HR Pro. OK maybe not better, I’m good at my job. But happier.  She was broken and I wanted badly to help fix her. I don’t know, maybe I was looking to fix myself. As I said I am a nurturer by nature. I know it makes me a good dad and I think makes me a good, husband (but you would have to ask Melissa about that).  I think it is also what makes me a good friend, especially to my inner circle.

But there have been certain things about myself I have always believed. Since starting my Don’t worry Be happy Pills, I have never been happier and calmer on average. As I have said in another post on Facebook and here, I have had my good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. Not sure what is was. Lots a triggers, especially at work. I have to travel soon which I’m not thrilled about. I have to do a few things for work that I am not thrilled about. I seem to have caught Melissa’s cold or sinus infection. Plus a million other things. I didn’t feel like myself. Or rather I did. I felt like the me before, not the person I have become and continue to grow to be.

When I’m in a bad place, my more values don’t change, but I can find myself regressing to passive aggressive behavior and snarkyness, and worst of all I stop listening to what people are saying, only what the anxiety whispers in my ear.  Yesterday I found myself doubting in something, that I have believed in my heart for years. I spent the day trying to convince myself that something I believed in for such a long time couldn’t possible be wrong. But they anxiety was breaking through telling me I was. The more the anxiety whispered, the more I held my ground. But it was a battle for a core belief.

So today, meds are working fine. I still have a cold, but I am feeling much more the new me. But I can’t help but wonder who am I really.  Was yesterday the real me, poking out through the medicine, or does the medicine bring out the real me.

Update: As the day has gone on, I realize I am am more and more depressed. I am starting to think I need a medication adjustment. If I am really honest with myself, the last 3 days have basically sucked. Depression is much worse than ever and the anxiety under less control.  But that makes me wonder all the more, what is the real me.

Update 2: I spoke with my doctor. One of the new meds she started me on, was at a really low dose. So she is having me double it. She said I should hopefully be feeling better in a couple of days.

Update 3: In my head I am trying to figure out if I have ever been this depressed before. And of course I process when I write so here I am processing/writing. I probably have, maybe years ago, when the beta blocker was exasperating the depression. It feels worse this time. Maybe because I fell from a greater height this week. I had been feeling so great for really the first time in memory,  it’s that much harder to go back. But I do want to thank everyone who has reached out to me, especially those who have shared their similar experiences when first starting medication.  I know it’s a journey and there will be adjustments along the way. But thank you all for sharing.

Here is Jodi’s about page

“I’m Jodi, wife, and working mother.  (Don’t we all work actually?)  I started blogging in 2005 for no good reason at all, and can’t seem to manage to stop.  I’ve been on blogspot, typepad, and now wordpress.  One could say I’m still trying to find a platform I like, or I’m undecided, who knows.

I love good red wine, bad tv, very, very spicy food, show tunes, and shoes.  I love shoes so much I have a whole day dedicated to them, Shoe Friday.  I am always trying to lose 10 pounds.  I hate incompetence, people who lie, and I am terrified to fly.

Please don’t email me your press release, I promise you I’m not going to post it.  If you want to talk sponsored post or giveaways, well, I do very few of those, but my contact information is below.

I try to answer every email I receive.  I also try to reply to every comment I receive. Sometimes I fail, but I try.”

In addition to all of that she is a wonderful writer and a dear friend. Please check our her site at www.Jodifur.com. I also highly recommend checking out some of her favorite posts they are also some of mine.

I have been blogging since before it was a was word, but it was always sporadic. It’s always been more of an online journal, of me, my life and family, with the occasional political rant and some tech thing that caught my eye. But that does seem to be changing. I have developed 3 niches on this site. The largest (at least in terms of popularity and page views) seems to be my Egret the Elephant  series of children’s poems/stories. Followed closely by my open posts about my battles with mild depression and anxiety, and my attempt to destigmatize these health issues. And of course my blog has always been about parenting and my children.  That’s mostly what you get with the occasional political rant, or maybe something Apple related. Since I started focusing on the first two niches more I have watched my page views soar from 3-7K a month to 20K – 35K.

Part of me thinks if I separate out the two main niches (Egret and the Anxiety issues) I could do a better job of monetizing my hobby and maybe reach even larger audiences for both.  I know there are people that come for the Egret stories that don’t want to know or care about the anxiety stuff and vice versa. If I do it I might be able to reach larger audiences for both.  That means more happy children and hopefully more people that befit from my openness and candor.  But the thing is these are both part of me (I refuse to call it my personal brand).  They are also both part of my healing process.

I know I am at a turning point but I am not sure where to go. What do you think?

I scream you scream we all scream for ice cream!
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