The Web Log of Corey Lambert

Castro Livin'

2011-12-01T23:10:00.000-08:00

The billboard outside my bedroom got a facelift earlier this day.

Also, pec implants.

I hope it's still up when my parents come to visit.

Thanksgiving (Memory)

2011-11-27T22:17:00.001-08:00

Remember the year Florida Cousin Christopher and I spent Thanksgiving Day on my living room couch in San Francisco laughing our asses off at fart videos on YouTube while we nursed hangovers?

Oh right. That was this year.

And I am thankful.

Pen Pals (Part 6)

2011-02-22T22:36:00.000-08:00

In this video web log post I share a handful of hilarious pen pal letters from a fourth grade class in Michigan.

Have joy.

Pen Pals (Part 5)

2011-02-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

I paid a visit to my post office box recently and found a bundle of happy-making notes, which I've decided to share in the form of a video web log.

Have joy.

Snow Day

2011-02-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

Snow days are awesome.

Unless you're this guy.

Crisis Mode

2011-02-01T21:29:00.088-08:00

As the much ballyhooed Snowmageddon 2011 picked up steam earlier this evening, two Chicago icons achieved worldwide notice as trending topics on Twitter.

While the Snowpocalypse raged outside, forcing the closure of Lake Shore Drive and ripping away hunks of the stadium surrounding Wrigley Field, I fumed inside, seething because I'd lost my wireless Internet connection.

After testing and retesting seemingly every inch of my apartment for a wireless hotspot over the course of the evening, I finally found one.

As I type this very sentence I am seated on the floor of my bathroom, laptop propped on the lid of the toilet, DailyBoothing the night away as Snowzilla's mocking laughter echoes from the window.

Fool Me Once

2011-01-31T19:46:00.086-08:00

During her visit to the Windy City last weekend, my Mom gifted me several grin-making photographs that I'd like to share. But before I do, I consider it necessary to provide a bit of back-story.

Quiet please.

Following the annual Lambert Family Gift Exchange two Christmas mornings ago, my parents requested that my siblings and I remain seated in the living room while they, along with my nephews, scurried into another room to fetch us one last "surprise."

As it turned out, the "surprise" was a Silly String assault.

This past Christmas, after all of the gifts had been exchanged and my siblings and I were yawning our thanks to one another, my parents again invited my nephews into the adjacent room to assist them in hauling out yet another "surprise."

Although I played along, when my nephews led my parents back into the living room, cans of Silly String at the ready, I forcefully acquired Six-Year-Old Nephew Peyton's weapon and launched a counterattack, which, as you can surmise from the following photograph, was quite effective.

I can't be sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if Six-Year-Old Nephew Peyton already has a revenge plot in the works for next year.

Keywords (Top 5)

2011-01-30T15:01:00.001-08:00

Blogger, the web logging platform that I use to publish the inconsequential bits of drivel found on this web log, offers a Blogger Stats feature that tracks site statistics including daily visitors (hardly any), the length of a visitor's stay (not very long) and how a visitor wound up here (accidentally).

In addition to page views and traffic trends, the Blogger Stats feature also details which search engine keywords have detoured World Wide Web surfers to this site. Understandably, a large number of accidental visits can be attributed to how closely the spelling of my name mirrors that of another person, such as 'corey linbert' or 'cori lampert.' Less understandable, however, is how someone might find their way here after typing 'corey spice in bedroom' or 'belly button rash' into Google, both of which have, in fact, happened.

Regardless of why a specific keyword draws someone here, after perusing the hundreds of search keywords responsible for much of the traffic on The Web Log of Corey Lambert, I have selected a handful of my favorites and ranked them in a "top five" list.

Have joy.

Top Five Search Keywords That Prove I'm Accurately Represented Online

5. 'fart robot'

Funnily enough, of the nearly one million pages called up when 'fart robot' is typed into the Google Web Search bar, this web log is ranked fifth. Although I'm honored to hold such a coveted position in what is obviously one of Google's most distinguished keyword pairings, the most humbling aspect of my ranking is the fact that I'm ahead of a slew of prestigious Internet destinations including a video called "Hand Farting the National Anthem" and a web log post from toplessrobot.com entitled "Teenage Mutant Hand-Fart Ninja."

4. 'homosexual dolphins'

Apparently Google Web Search considers my web log an authority on one of history's most debated questions: Are dolphins really gay sharks?

3. 'american log fart'

Just ahead of Hulu's "American Dad!" episode "Fart-Break Hotel" and smellypoop.com, Yahoo! Search lists The Web Log of Corey Lambert as the number one place to visit when searching 'american log fart.' Clearly I've cornered the flatulent firewood from the United States market.

2. 'sister car fart'

In addition to my web log, Bing's list of other web destinations that traffic in sisters breaking wind in automobiles includes poopreport.com and 1000awesomethings.com, which catalogues "Hearing a stranger fart in public" as its 951st most awesome thing.

1. 'who is corey lambert'

Although no search engine completely answers a question that I've posed to myself each and every morning for more than two decades, I think Dogpile Web Search comes exceptionally close with their suggestion of the following image:

Perspective

2011-01-29T21:59:00.005-08:00

Comical Conversations

2011-01-28T21:53:00.000-08:00

Because it's nearly midnight and I spent the better part of this day sobbing into a silo of Starbucks Breakfast Blend while the vat of booze in my stomach threatened to mutiny, I have decided to eschew web logging duties and instead recall some of the conversations I shared between waves of throbbing nausea.

Have joy.

Brother Bryan: The guy running Trivia Night last night was wrong. The Amazon is not the longest river in the world. It's the largest river based on fluid discharge. The Nile is the longest river in the world.

Me: All I got out of that was "fluid discharge."

Brother Bryan: Yeah. It's a pretty horny river.

Married Mike: Poor Charlie Sheen.

Me: I know. Bad things always happen to good people.

Married Mike: Saint Charlie Sheen.

Me: Broken laws and questionable morality aside, there's really nothing wrong with having a suitcase full of coke delivered to a party that you're throwing for your favorite hookers.

Married Mike: He likes to give. He's basically Santa Claus.

Me: Saint Charlie Sheen Claus.

Married Mike: That's my next Halloween costume.

Me: Can I be one of your hookers? I've already got the boots.

Married Mike: Yes. You can be my hooker elf.

Me: How have you been?

Childhood Friend Evan: Alright.

Me: What would make you fantastic?

Childhood Friend Evan: A new job and a better moustache.

Life Is Good

2011-01-27T21:48:00.003-08:00

Despite what DailyBooth Corey may or may not be saying right now, Half Off Margarita + One Dollar Draft + Two Dollar Bottle Night was absolutely the right decision.

Oh, and don't let the following photograph fool you. He's drunk. Way drunk.

Movie Films (2010)

2011-01-26T21:57:00.008-08:00

Representatives from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences took to a podium somewhere in Hollywood in the wee hours of yesterday morning to drop their list of 2010 Academy Award nominees into the overeager jaws of columnists and critics around the globe.

While the aforementioned columnists and critics gnawed on the most pressing questions brought about by the Academy's picks ("Wait, isn't "Winter's Bone" an Eskimo porn flick?"), I compiled, for the second consecutive year, a heap of utterly useless information that will undoubtedly be of absolutely no consequence to anyone, myself included.

Have joy.

The Films I Saw
127 Hours
Black Swan
Blue Valentine
Date Night
Easy A
Eat Pray Love
Fighter, The
Get Him to the Greek
Ghost Writer, The
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
How to Train Your Dragon
Inception
Iron Man 2
It's Kind of a Funny Story
Kick-Ass
Kids Are All Right, The
King's Speech, The
Losers, The
Love and Other Drugs
Morning Glory
Please Give
Rabbit Hole
Remember Me
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Sex and the City 2
Social Network, The
Solitary Man
Town, The
Toy Story 3
Valentine's Day
Waiting for "Superman"
Winter's Bone

Total Viewing Time: 2.48 days or 59.6 hours or 3,578 minutes

Average Film Length: 111.8 minutes

Venue Breakdown
Theater (Standard) – 22
Home (Rental) – 10

Free Screenings: 4 ("Black Swan," "Iron Man 2," "It's Kind of a Funny Story," "The Losers")

Total Golden Globe Nominations: 44 (10 wins)

Total Academy Award Nominations: 67

Animated Films: 2 ("How To Train Your Dragon," "Toy Story 3")

Chick Flicks: 3 ("Eat Pray Love," "Sex and the City 2," "Valentine's Day")

Comic Book/Fantasy/Science Fiction Films: 5.5 ("Black Swan," "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1," "Inception," "Iron Man 2," "Kick-Ass," "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World")

Documentary Films: 1 ("Waiting for "Superman"")

Films I Saw More than Once: "Easy A," "The Social Network," "Valentine's Day"

Films I Will (Hopefully) Never See Again: "Sex and the City 2"

Most Important Film That Nobody Saw: "Waiting for "Superman""

Pleasantly Surprised: "The Ghost Writer," "Remember Me"

Largely Disappointed: "Eat Pray Love"

Favorite Male Performance: Geoffrey Rush, "The King's Speech"

Favorite Female Performance: Tie (Emma Stone, "Easy A" and Natalie Portman, "Black Swan")

Favorite Animated Performance: Ken (voiced by Michael Keaton), "Toy Story 3"

Guilty Pleasure Performance: Zach Galifianakis, "It's Kind of a Funny Story"

Best Performer Nobody Remembers: Rebecca Hall, "Please Give" and "The Town"

Favorite Line Delivered By An Actor: "We lived on farms and then we lived in cities and now we're gonna live on the Internet." Sean Parker, "The Social Network"

Favorite Line Delivered By An Actress: "I need your observations like I need a dick in my ass!" Nic, "The Kids Are All Right"

Best Conversation: The Opening Sequence, "The Social Network"

Best In-Movie Song (Cover): Tie ("You Always Hurt the One You Love" as performed by Ryan Gosling, "Blue Valentine" and "Under Pressure" as performed by the cast of "It's Kind of a Funny Story")

Best Movie Montage: Andy Grows Up, "Toy Story 3"

Films I'd Liked to Own: "Easy A," "It's Kind of a Funny Story," "The Social Network"

Films I'd Like to Burn: "Sex and the City 2"

The Mac and Bren MacGuff Award (Best Movie Parents): Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson, "Easy A"

The "Titanic" Award (Worst Movie To See With Your Parents): "Love and Other Drugs"

SOTU Tweets (Top 5)

2011-01-25T21:54:00.000-08:00

The funny folks at WitStream.com, a 24-hour live comedy ticker, covered the State of the Union address and its subsequent rebuttal speeches earlier this evening by tweeting their thoughts and reactions in real-time.

Because I dig lowbrow political humor (and fart jokes) as much as the next guy, I've taken it upon myself to compile a "top five" list of the evening's best tweets.

I consider it important to note that, at the risk of revealing my political agenda to the five or so folks who frequent this web log, I've worked exceptionally hard to ensure that the tweets I've chosen bash bipartisan-ly.

Have joy.

The Only Five Tweets I Could Find That Didn't Rip Michele Bachmann

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Broken Wingman

2011-01-24T17:52:00.003-08:00

I typically ignore Brother Bryan when he derides my skills as a wingman.

As it turns out, he may have a case.

A Sharing Family

2011-01-23T21:13:00.113-08:00

Old Saint Nick dropped the new iPod Touch under the Christmas tree of my eldest nephew last month, which means that, in addition to harboring an "Angry Birds" addiction, Eight-Year-Old Nephew Cole now has the ability to video call, via Skype, any weenus with webcam.

And more often than not, that weenus is me.

Eight-Year-Old Nephew Cole: "You gotta hear this new Big Time Rush song, Uncle Corey!"

Eight-Year-Old Nephew Cole: "Do you wanna read under the covers with me, Uncle Corey?"

Eight-Year-Old Nephew Cole: "I think I have something in my eye, Uncle Corey."

Although I undoubtedly enjoy each and every one of Eight-Year-Old Nephew Cole's not at all infrequent video calls, it's nice to know that even he has limits.

Me (yelling): "Cole? Coley? Where'd you go, buddy? Is anybody out there?"

Six-Year-Old Nephew Peyton: "Cole's in the bathroom, Uncle Corey. Going poop."

Before I Die

2011-01-21T23:18:00.002-08:00

A friend of mine beered me a copy of Dane Sherwood's "2,001 Things to Do Before You Die" back in 2004 and I've been slowly checking things off in it ever since.

In the following video web log post, in addition to recapping some of the more memorable activities fostered by Mr. Sherwood's book, I added a couple new check marks to my pre-death 'to-do' list.

Have joy.

A Mind Screw

2011-01-05T22:16:00.000-08:00

The World Wide Web drove a knee into my brain crotch earlier this day when it revealed to me the following chin-plunging YouTube video.

Although the aforementioned video was posted less than forty-eight hours ago, it appears the citizens of Cyberspace are already expecting an encore.

Pen Pals (Part 4)

2010-12-22T22:44:00.002-08:00

Before their school year ended earlier this week, my hilarious mail pals from Down Under presented me with one final parcel, inside of which I found a mammoth Christmas card, twenty grin-splitting letters and more friendship bracelets than I can count.

(Okay, I lied. Twenty-two.)

Have joy.

Pen Pals (Part 3)

2010-12-09T00:14:00.001-08:00

This week my Post Office Box gifted me with a host of intriguing fare, including robot shaped crayons and a bag of sand.

So I vlogged about it.

Have joy.

A Special Delivery

2010-11-30T21:21:00.003-08:00

According to the Internet, my pint-sized pen pals from Down Under received a special delivery from Chicago last week.

Along with the smile-stirring DailyBooth photograph above, the class's teacher sent me an electronic message detailing her students' reaction to their bit of far away freight, which I've edited for the sake of her privacy.

Hello Corey!

We just got your package in the mail today. It was such a big hit! First, I passed it around the circle and everyone had a feel and tried to guess what was in it. Whoopee Cushion was the most popular answer. Then, we opened it to resounding "ooos" and "ahhs." We had great fun reading about the Windy City and, of course, they wanted you to know that it gets windy in Australia, too.

Cheerio,

Marianne

P.S. You have the world's neatest handwriting.

While my heart was warmed by the enthusiasm of my penfriends, I couldn't help but feel slightly guilty that I hadn't thought to include a near-vital component.

Therefore, in an attempt to right a wrong, I've embedded a video for my buddies in PrepF.

Have joy, little mates.

127 Hours

2010-11-29T20:32:00.001-08:00

Sassy Laura and I resumed our commemoration of Good Movie Season with a recent Saturday morning screening of "127 Hours," the film adaptation of "Between a Rock and a Hard Place," the autobiography chronicling the now-famous account of an adventurer whose right arm becomes trapped under a boulder while hiking alone in the Utah desert. The film, co-written and directed by Danny Boyle ("Slumdog Millionaire"), stars James Franco ("Spider-Man" trilogy, "Pineapple Express") as brash climber Aron Ralston.

The opening scene of "127 Hours" cuts through a hasty packing session as twenty-seven-year-old Aron Ralston readies himself for a weekend adventure in Utah's Bluejohn Canyon. With little more than a couple of bottles of Gatorade and some Hostess snacks, Ralston climbs into his jeep and sets out for the desert, his answering machine wildly chewing tape in the background. Shortly after his arrival amidst the sublime Utah terrain, Ralston encounters two female hikers who appear lost. After spending some time flirting and swimming together in a hidden watering hole, the trio exchange pleasantries and separate, with Ralston jogging deeper into the desert. A short time later, while attempting to traverse a tricky bit of terrain, Ralston inadvertently dislodges a boulder during a fall into a deep crevasse. In the aftermath, it becomes apparent that the boulder, having landed on his right arm, has trapped him out of plain sight in an already barren stretch of wilderness. With a small jug of water as his only means of sustenance, he begins to realize the weight of his situation. As days pass, an exhausted and dehydrated Ralston decides that his only chance at survival is to cut off his own arm.

Before I saw "127 Hours," I strained to contemplate a quality feature-length film focusing almost entirely on one character standing in one place. "127 Hours," however, doesn't feel stationary. In truth, it very much feels like a thriller, though instead of a gun-toting psychopath, Ralston is pitted against the hastening realization that he's standing in his grave.

Franco's name will undoubtedly grace many an award ballot in the coming months and deservedly so. With the bulk of the film on his shoulders, Franco morphs his sandstone prison into more than a set piece—it becomes a villain. Even in moments of humorous hallucination, Franco instills a subtle sense of guilt, as if he's laughing at his own eulogy. As the painful acceptance of his satiation creeps slowly in, Franco exudes a feeling of despair so deep that I actually believed he'd cut off his own right arm to escape it.

Certainly, one can't discuss "127 Hours" without giving mention to the infamous "amputation scene" that's rumored to have caused more than one medical situation at theaters around the globe. While I can't comment on the realistic nature of the scene in question because my vision was purposely obscured by a well-placed sweatshirt, the sounds of the act, as well as the audience, were more than convincing.

From beginning to end, "127 Hours" is a remarkably engaging film about a man so enamored with life that he would go to unimaginable measures to escape death. And although I wouldn't give my right arm to see "127 Hours" again, I'd definitely pay $11.

A YouTube Gem

2010-11-28T21:13:00.008-08:00

I sat at my desk for nearly ten minutes this evening digging through the transom of my mind in search of the right words to justify the awed feeling I experienced upon my initial viewing of the following YouTube music video.

As it turns out, the words had already been found.

Have joy.

I Like Turkey

2010-11-26T19:50:00.001-08:00

I may or may not have overindulged this Thanksgiving.

An Adorable Ask

2010-11-24T21:29:00.009-08:00

Haiku from the Highway

2010-11-23T21:50:00.001-08:00

My siblings and I are currently four hours into an eight-hour road trip to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where we'll be spending Thanksgiving with our older brother and his family.

Because I'm not one to fall fast asleep in transit, I decided before we left that I would utilize some of the idle time to document memorable parts of our trek.

And I did.

Trees pass in dark streaks.
Brazen stars light our journey.
My brother sleep farts.