CounsellingPracticeMatters

How to Deal with Difficult Relatives over Christmas (or at any time of year!)

Gladeana — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 11:42:00 +0000

Here's are some more stress-reducing tips you might find helpful with clients.

You love your family but you don’t like their meddling ways – you want to spend time with the people you love but you wish they would have a Christmas personality transplant. Every family has a relative best kept at a distance and there are those that you stand only because - blood is thicker than water. It’s not just family but sometimes it’s the people they married that cause the greatest distress. With a little planning, surviving the misery of family get-togethers is possible.

At this time of the year many people find tensions mounting while nerves get frayed when confronted with certain members of their families. We may have lived away from home for many years and have successful careers but somehow as soon our families enter on the scene we regress to the way we felt when we were small children.

Whether it's the spoiler grandparent, the bulldozer uncle, the critical cousin or the expert mother there is a way to deal with their tactics.

You can get the most out of anyone - yes, even the maiden aunt that has said this Christmas will be her last for as long as you can remember. Forget the past and focus on the present and by using certain strategies you’ll be able to act in a way that allows you to cut down on the usual hassle. The good news is you do not have to like someone for these strategies to work.

The Spoiler
If you know that a certain person is likely to get drunk, have a fight or insult someone because this happens frequently at family events, it is important to set the ground-rules before the day itself. Most people spend their time worrying about what to do rather than dealing with the situation. If you get an ulcer worrying about what will happen it’s because you haven’t dealt with the problem. One of the first rules in life is – take responsibility and stop wishing someone else would do it.

If your family member is known to be a spoiler of events make sure you speak to the person before he or she comes. Tell the person what you like about him – “you are such good fun and the kids love you” as this shows that you do appreciate his positive side. However, this only works when there really are positives and, in the worst case scenario, don’t make something up as unless you are an Oscar-winning actor, whatever you say will sound false – saying nothing is better. The next step is to point out the behaviour that you and others find difficult “I think you tend to drink a bit too much and it has spoilt the day a few times”. Be clear and direct. Then you need to assert the fact that you would like to have the person over for Christmas but need a promise from him that he will take more care this year.

If the individual makes a fuss, breathe deeply and look as relaxed as possible while you restate what you have said. If the person threatens not to come then let him know he will be missed but that it is his choice. The important thing is that if you do not set any boundaries around someone else’s behaviour you are, in effect, giving him the message that his behaviour is acceptable.

The Bulldozer
You can always recognise a Bulldozer as he or she issues orders and total compliance is expected. This person will flatten you while she tries to take control of the situation – superiority oozes out of every pore and you had better do what you are told if you know what's good for you. This person often comes across aggressively, tends to talk loudly and interrupts. He or she does not listen and can seem a bit of a bully.

When dealing with a Bulldozer you need to be firm and in psychological terms you “match” her body language. What this means is that your body language mirrors the other person’s as this technique often wins over others as we subconsciously tend to see someone who looks like us as being a friendly person and, in this context, it can help calm the individual concerned. The last thing you should do is get into an argument with this person as you will not win it – stay calm, let her know you have heard what she has said “I understand that you think it would be better to have the table facing the window” and stick to the point “however I really like it where it is”.

The Critic
The critic can find a way of complaining about anything and everything and whatever you do it will never be good enough as she has a habit of chopping and changing her mind. Last time she did not eat strawberry jam and this time when you have specially gone out to get some she only wants apricot. Sometimes these individuals criticise in a low droning kind of way that has the effect a mosquito has when you can hear it making its distinctive noise in the background. Other types of critics are far louder and can seem as if they are rather like a pressure cooker waiting to let off steam.

The first thing to remember is not to take what they say personally otherwise you will end up feeling bad about yourself and frustrated. These people want recognition and instead of going about it in the normal way they try to get attention through their criticism. Therefore, see them as needy people. Keep a friendly outward manner and listen to what they say in a non-defensive way (remember depersonalise – it’s not about you it’s about them!). A good way of dealing with critics is to agree with them – it really throws them. When aunty tells you that your potatoes could have been cooked a little longer say, “yeah…you could be right”. This is a technique called deflection and is one used to confuse the other person, as she wants you to retaliate and when you don’t she usually gives up. The more you can show critics that you are not bothered by their complaints the less of a “pay-off” there is and the less productive the whole exercise becomes. If you are really clever you can head a critic off at the start – all you have to do is tell her she won’t like something and strangely she will often tell you how great it is so that she can prove you wrong!

The Expert
This is the type of person who is pretty good at things and often has great ideas. The problem is that they are so convinced they are right they often implement a plan without letting anyone in on what they are doing. You leave the room and when you come back you find your seating plan has been rearranged. These people have an amazing amount of information as to why a certain person is better placed somewhere else and arguing with an expert is only likely to end up with you losing. It is easy to take the easy way out and give in to experts but the more you do the more you encourage them in their behaviour.

If you are dealing with an expert you need to ask open questions to get her to understand why a certain action might not be the best. For example “how do you think you might feel if I changed your seating plan around at home?” However, you have to say things in a non-aggressive or defensive tone of voice otherwise the expert will withdraw and you will end up feeling guilty. You also need to make sure you stick to the point and make factual comments such as “I would prefer to keep to the original seating plan as I have organised everything around it”.

You do not have to justify your position - simply explain it. It is easy to spot the difference – when we justify we say too much and try to convince the other person that we are right. When we explain, we keep it short and simple and are only letting the other person know the basics. Another good tactic is give the expert something to do – “I would really appreciate it if you could fold the serviettes as you will do a better job than I will”. This way you get them out of the way, the person is doing something useful and feels flattered into the bargain. A list of jobs never goes amiss with an expert.

Further reading: "No More Stress!"

How to Keep Your Cool at Christmas

Gladeana — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 11:17:00 +0000

With the festive season gathering pace many people are starting to feel the strain. One in five of us feel stressed during the holiday season according to a survey by MIND, the mental health charity. This article may be helpful for your clients.

When we were children Christmas was a magical time and for many adults Christmas is still a time for children. The older we get the more we realise that Christmas is a time that can have too many expectations. Some of you may look forward to the shopping and preparations while others approach the season with fears of all the disruption and extra work it is likely to bring.

Everywhere we look we are faced with adverts and scenes of happy people coming together to share the Christmas period. However, the Samaritans expect an additional 100,000 calls during the holiday period and January is the worst time for an increase in suicide rates. For some people the enforced period of goodwill and family festivities can bring on feelings of intense loneliness.
Thankfully, most of us find Christmas an enjoyable time and you can reduce the pressures you experience if you just follow the stress-busting tips listed below.

Running out of time
Make a plan and list everything you need to do in the run up to Christmas and on the day itself and work out what to do when. Ask your family to help out by putting up decorations, including any for the Christmas tree. When people ask you if they can bring something say yes – if you know that someone is bringing home-made minced pies then that’s one thing off your list! Get the children to wrap the presents and turn the process into a game by getting them to put a special label on each gift saying, “this gift was individually hand-wrapped by…” This way it doesn’t matter if the wrapping isn’t that good as people will respond to the fact the children have done it.When planning make sure you put some time in for you to pamper yourself. If there's too much to do then leave something out. For example, you may have been planning to cook all your food from scratch – cakes, pies, stuffing and the like – buy some of them instead and order via the Internet to save time.Remember Christmas Day is only one day of the year – do not get the whole event out of perspective.

Money is a real problem
There is no rule to say that you will be measured by what you spend at Christmas. We all seem to buy too much food so why not think about having a healthy Christmas this year? Think of Christmas Day and Boxing Day as a weekend and only buy what you will eat. You don’t have to starve but you don’t have to be eating turkey for the next two weeks either.Why waste your money buying presents that people neither want or need? Perhaps you could make up a voucher that can be redeemed for an amount of your time or a specific activity such as cleaning the house or weeding the garden. Why not write a letter about how you feel about the person telling them what you like and value about them and the impact they have made on your life. Something like this is really special and will be treasured. Forewarn those you would normally buy presents for that you are intending to do something different this year so that everyone can plan accordingly.

Create a budget for everything and stick to it. Remember that children would rather have parents who spent time playing with them than have one hundred and one presents.

Coping with parties
Not everyone enjoys parties, especially if they're a bit shy. However there are things you can do to boost confidence. Don't worry about coming up with sparkling conversation. Just being a good listener makes you popular. To get the conversation going, ask open questions such as what someone is doing for Christmas and think of FORE – Family, Occupation, Relaxation and leisure, and Education – for generating conversation topics. We all get on with certain people at work or socially more than others. At a party, talk to them first to build your confidence. Breathing exercises will help you relax. Breathe in to the count of four, out to the count of five, relaxing your shoulders and tummy. Repeat four times. Don't rely on alcohol to calm your nerves – it can make you more stressed. Coping with all that indulging

Christmas usually means eating more rich, high fat, high salt and sugar laden food, washed down by stimulants like alcohol and caffeine. If you are a little careful with your diet, you'll have more energy and feel less anxious. Why not offer to drive when you go out or drink a glass of water between every alcoholic drink to prevent dehydration and a hangover the next day. Drink fruit juice as a healthy alternative. Eat more food with antioxidants as these help relieve the effects of stress - red fruit and vegetables, like tomatoes, broccoli, grapes, cherries and nuts will all help. Try to eat chocolate that has a 70 per cent cocoa content as it is better for you and usually has less sugar but still tastes good.

Chill out time
Choose a night to curl up with a good book or have a long soak in a bath. Before you go to bed, drinking camomile tea may aid relaxation. Exercise is a great stress reliever so take a walk every day rather than staying indoors throughout Christmas, or book a pre-Christmas treat at a health spa. Orange, Lavender and Cinnamon aromatherapy oils can make your house smell lovely and are also relaxing.

Further reading: "No More Stress!"

How being organised can help reduce stress

Gladeana — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:27:00 +0000

To use time effectively you need to be organised. This can be achieved with the introduction of a few simple techniques.

Keep a diary - write down all the appointments and activities you need to remember
Either in your diary or on a separate notepad write a ‘To Do’ list at the beginning of each day of all the things you aim to do that day. Against each time write ‘A’ or ‘B’. ‘A’ tasks are urgent and need dealing with first and ‘B’ tasks are not so urgent and can wait.
Valuable time can be lost and frustration levels can rise looking for information. Therefore make a point of opening all mail on a daily basis, dispose of all non-essential items such as junk mail immediately and either file the rest or add as an action item to your ‘To Do’ list

Remember that you may perform better at certain times of the day and, wherever possible, you should save your most difficult tasks for when you feel your best. It can also be beneficial to build in ‘thinking time’ as a legitimate part of your daily schedule. Senior executives very often take time out of a busy schedule to reflect and think about what they are doing. Remember that unforeseen problems can occur so it is important to ensure a flexible approach to your daily routine to allow for these when they do happen.

It is important to a person’s psychological and physiological well-being to get adequate sleep. Sleep is essential for survival, health and fitness and research suggests that it is the quality of sleep which is most important. However, too little or too much may lead to poor performance. The amount of sleep required varies considerably from person to person. Most people sleep seven hours, some may need nine and others only five. Ironically it is often the worry about losing sleep which produces more negative symptoms than the loss of sleep itself. Many people underestimate the amount of sleep they actually get due to the amount of time they spend worrying about not sleeping when they are awake.

The kind of sleep which is most important is what is called REM or Rapid Eye Movement which is linked to dreaming. All people dream even if they wake without any memory of dreaming.

Stress is one of the main causes of sleep disturbance. Many people lay awake at night worrying about problems or thinking about the future in an anxious manner. Then having finally fallen asleep awake feeling tired as the original worries are still there.

For further reading: No More Stress!: Be Your Own Stress Management Coach

Dealing with Stress through Relaxation

Gladeana — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:13:00 +0000

Relaxation can also play an important part in dealing with stress. Simple ways in which you can find time for yourself are:

Take time to enjoy a bath, light some candles, sprinkle a few drops of lavender aromatherapy oil into the water and play some gentle music while you take time for yourself
Dim the lights in the lounge, play some gentle music, close your eyes and allow yourself time to relax
Take some time to enjoy your garden or local park. Take time to look at all the trees and flowers

Learn to manage your time as effectively as possible. Time is a valuable commodity. How many times do you catch yourself saying, “I’d really like to but I don’t have the time” or “there just aren’t enough hours in the day”. Too much activity leads to exhaustion and too little and we come bored and frustrated. There are 168 hours in a week and 8,736 hours in a 365 day year so with a finite amount of time it is important that we make the most of what we have.

There are seven ways in which we structure our time:

Work time - time that is earmarked and committed to work whether paid or not
Home time - time we spend at home used for housework, DIY, gardening and personal grooming
‘Other’ time - time given over to other people, family, friends and children
‘Me’ time - personal time for our own hobbies or interest areas
‘Special’ time - time set aside for close relationships with partners
Reflective time - time we set aside to be on our own for personal reflection
Sleep time - time for physical relaxation and sleep

It is important that we make time for all seven activities as it is the balance between the seven which leads to a sense of overall well being. Draw a circle and rather like dividing up the slices of a cake analyse your week and see how much time you gave to each of the seven areas.

When you have completed your time allocation chart then ask yourself if you are happy with the way the chart looks. If you want parts of your chart to look different, you will need to make changes in the way you allocate your time.

For further reading: No More Stress!: Be Your Own Stress Management Coach

How to Help Yourself Manage Stress

Gladeana — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 11:15:00 +0000

Don’t just wait for things to improve. Help yourself by remembering that you can always take some action which will minimise, even if only by a small amount, the stress you are experiencing. Come to your own aid by:

A - anticipating stressful activities and planning for them

I - identifying the major sources of stress in your life

D - developing a range of coping strategies and remembering to practise them!

Maintain or establish a strong support network. Come to terms with your feelings and share them with others. Ask for help when you need it and be gracious enough to accept it when it is offered. There is an old saying “what goes round comes round”. You can always offer help to other people when you are stronger and they need it. For now it’s your turn to accept help.

Undertake a Life Audit. If you work in a shop or an office you will be used to the idea of stock taking and auditing the books so that you know how much stock you have, how much money you have made or spent, where you need to make savings or new investments and where items are now obsolete and need to be deleted. A life audit works on the same principle. Think about your life as comprising four main areas: those of WORK, HOME, FRIENDS and PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT. Under each of these headings write down all the things you like and all the things you don’t like.

Perhaps it is time for a change of job. Perhaps you have been too busy working hard and doing a good job to realise that it is time for a move. Equally, perhaps it is time to talk to the boss about an increase in responsibility and maybe even salary too.

With Home/Family you might want to think about the people you feel are supportive and loving. You cannot choose your family but you can choose how you are going to respond to them. Home also takes into account the environment you live in. Many people have found the act of ‘de-cluttering’ their homes quite therapeutic.

Environmental change does not always mean spending vast amounts of money.

We do choose our friends so when you are writing down your likes and dislikes remember that we sometimes outgrow friendships and if you are getting nothing back from the relationship it may be time to acknowledge that the relationship no longer works.

When it comes to our Personal Development this covers aspects of who we are: education, hobbies, spiritual life, health. Life is not a ‘dress rehearsal’ and many people forget to ask themselves what they want from life and how they can get it. When it comes to health perhaps even small changes could make a significant difference. Education might mean taking that computer course at evening classes you keep putting off and hobbies might include joining the local choir or drama group for fun. Our spiritual life may include our religious beliefs or, alternatively, simply our idea of purpose.

Human beings need a sense of purpose. For some it comes through helping, for others it comes through the sense of wonder at the forces of nature, for others it comes through belief in their personal values.

For further reading: No More Stress!: Be Your Own Stress Management Coach