CoupleNotes

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

2008-06-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is proving to be one of the most effective approaches to couples counseling. The following information was retrieved from the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy:

EFT is a short term (8-20 sessions), structured approach to couples therapy formulated in the early 80’s by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. EFT is also used with families. A substantial body of research outlining the effectiveness of EFT now exists. Research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements. The major contraindication for EFT is on-going violence in the relationship. EFT is being used with many different kinds of couples in private practice, university training centres and hospital clinics and many different cultural groups. These distressed couples include partners suffering from disorders such as depression, post traumatic stress disorders and chronic illness. Please click to view recent articles and books on EFT.

Strengths of Emotionally Focused Therapy

EFT is based on clear, explicit conceptualizations of marital distress and adult love. These conceptualizations are supported by empirical research on the nature of marital distress and adult attachment.
EFT is collaborative and respectful of clients combining experimental Rogerian techniques with structural systemic interventions.
Change strategies and interventions are specified.
Key moves and moments in the change process have been mapped into nine steps and three change events.
EFT has been validated by 20 years of empirical research. There is also research on the change processes and predictors of success.
EFT has been applied to many different kinds of problems and populations.

Goals of Emotionally Focused Therapy

To expand and re-organize key emotional responses–the music of the attachment dance.
To create a shift in partners’ interactional positions and initiate new cycles of interaction.
To foster the creation of a secure bond between partners.

For more information about EFT, please visit the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Why do marriages fail?

2008-05-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

The following quote is from Hold Me Tight:

"When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a landmark study by Ted Huston of the University of Texas. Indeed, the lack of emotional responsiveness rather than the level of conflict is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be five years into it. The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflict comes later." (Johnson, 2008, p. 38)

If you live in Southern California and need personal help reconnecting with your partner, please click here.

Read more about relationships at our new blog location.

Posts Available at Our New Location...

2008-01-28T08:15:00.000-08:00

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We've Moved!

2008-01-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

CoupleNotes has moved to a new location !
We hope you'll feel free to visit us in our New Home .

You'll be able to subscribe to CoupleNotes using your favorite Reader or sign up to receive your updates via email. Either way, we hope you'll visit us often, and stay as long as you like!

Note: We're still unpacking, so please pardon the boxes...and the bare walls.

Blessings,
Dr. Debi Smith

Loving One Another

2008-01-16T10:14:00.001-08:00

“Learning to love others authentically, and in ways that matter to them, is one of the best things anyone can do.”
~ Dr. John Townsend, Loving People

If you think about it, a lot has been written about how to love one another. So we have to wonder why do we do it so poorly. One reason is that we may feel caught between (a) our own hurt or anger and (b) our concern for the other person.

For example, have you ever had someone not show up on time? As you waited, your thoughts probably changed from wondering where he was to wondering what was keeping him to being angry to worrying that something had bad happened to him.

By the time he finally appears, you don’t know which of your feelings to respond to. Should you be happy? Angry? Relieved? You didn’t know whether to throw your arms around him or yell at him!

Which response would you choose? Actually, all those feelings ... Read more.

The Number One Problem

2008-01-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

Mark and Cathy are really no different than many other couples. Their problems started early in their relationship: right after their honeymoon.

Cathy brought up an issue of concern for her, and Mark felt criticized. He was quiet, not because he didn’t care, but because he felt the sting of her words and didn’t know what to say.

Cathy felt the sting, too. When Mark ignored her, she felt like he just didn’t care. She finally gave up and withdrew, hoping that Mark would see how badly she felt.

Cathy was the “pursuer,” and Mark was the “withdrawer.” When Cathy gave up on talking to Mark, she also withdrew. When both partners withdraw, neither one is available to the other, making it impossible work on the relationship. Read more.

Dealing With Conflict

2008-01-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

Before they realize what's happened to them, many couples develop an unhealthy cycle of interactions including criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and/or contempt. Even so, Dr. John Gottman's research found that 83% of newlyweds who criticized, stonewalled, and/or made defensive attacks were able to stabilize their marriages over time if they learned how to make adequate repairs of the damage after the fight.

Take the Dealing With Conflict Quiz to find out how you're doing on this important dimension.

Forgiveness

2007-12-10T08:53:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness is often misunderstood in conservative circles. During the past decade or so, Christian psychologists have studied forgiveness from both theological and psychological perspectives. Most would agree that forgiveness is not only a theological decision, but also a psychological process with a number of distinct stages that have been compared to stages of the grieving process.

We tend to layer our feelings as a means of self-protection from additional harm, and forgiveness is frequently a process of “working through” these layers. For some, forgiveness is accomplished through the spiritual disciplines (prayer, meditation, solitude, etc.). For others, it may require work with a professional Christian counselor who not only understands how difficult forgiveness can be, but who also knows how to get them “unstuck” and moving forward in the process. Both require the intimate guidance of the Holy Spirit.

God has also given us the ability to remember as a means of self-protection (e.g., when we touch a hot stove and get burned, we remember not to touch it again). However, remembering has a “flip side” as well, in that we often need to work through the forgiveness process multiple times. Be encouraged: It does get easier and less painful, especially as you grow in understanding the process. Dr. Louis Smedes (1996; Fuller Theological Seminary) wrote a very readable book (available in paperback) on this topic: Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve.

Anyone struggling with unforgiveness needs (and deserves) someone to help them work through this very painful process. If you're feeling stuck and would like to schedule a confidential appointment, please call 714-865-2164.

Sugar & Spice

2007-12-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

Remember this poem?

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice
That's what little girls are made of!

Cathy grew up dreaming of the perfect world. Pretty dresses. A castle. A handsome prince ...

While they were dating, Mark fit the handsome-prince role perfectly. He was charming and thoughtful, and loved surprising Cathy with little gifts. And, of course, Christmastime was the best! Everything he put under the tree for her was perfect. It was as though he’d kept detailed notes about all the things she’d talked about throughout the year.

He certainly wasn’t like her father who never seemed to be around when she needed him. There was no doubt that her dad had always been a great provider, working his way to the top of his company, which occupied most of his time and energy.

For as long as Cathy remembered, her mother had complained that she felt like a single parent from the beginning. Even so, her mother blamed herself for her dad’s lack of involvement with the family. She was always upbeat, cajoling, trying to entice him to do things with the family.

Cathy felt it, too. It was as though she wasn’t important to her dad. When she was little, she tried her best to be cute and funny to get his attention. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. She could never figure out why.

But her Mark was different! At last she had all the attention a woman could hope for. He often said—and demonstrated—that his world revolved around her.

Reflecting on their first night in their new home after the honeymoon, Cathy was still shocked by Mark’s lack of responsiveness. All she’d asked was that he turn off the TV and go to sleep. He’d acted as though he didn’t even hear her!

So she turned on the charm. Nothing. She became more vocal—still with no response. Moving to the living room was her most dramatic ploy. He was supposed to feel bad and follow her, but he didn’t.

She didn’t know what to do. The sugar-and-spice routine had failed again, and she couldn’t . . . (read more)

Different Worldviews

2007-11-28T12:34:00.000-08:00

No, Mark and Cathy are not from different planets. However, their biological differences (nature) and the impact of their respective life experiences (nurture) have resulted in very different ways of looking at the world … and at their relationships.

It’s what you say that counts: Women were taught to talk openly about their feelings when they were little girls, so it’s not surprising that 80% of relationship issues are brought up by women. They often spent school recess sharing secrets with their “best” friend. Feeling close and being able to trust each other is the hallmark of female friendship.

Virtually everything women say – no matter how confusing it might seem to their partners – is an attempt to find emotional connection. (Yes, they may often be extremely vague and indirect.) It’s what they were taught.

It’s what you do that counts: Men learned a different way of developing friendships. As boys, they spent recess running around in “herds,” playing anything that meant lots of action, and trying to one-up each other. Don’t be a girl! Never let ‘em see ya sweat!

It’s no wonder ... (read more)

Mark's Story

2007-11-26T09:40:00.000-08:00

Mark’s experience was quite different than Cathy’s. (For Cathy's story, please read After the Honeymoon.) Although their honeymoon had been totally amazing, he was glad to be home from Paris. For years, one of his favorite end-of-the-day routines had been to grab a quick snack and head to the bedroom for some late-night TV. When his stomach was full and he’d wound down from the day, he’d flip off the TV and drift effortlessly to sleep.

When Cathy came in that first night at home demanding that he turn off the television, he was confused. Her mood seemed to come out of nowhere, and he ... (read more)

After the Honeymoon

2007-11-23T10:03:00.000-08:00

After 14 years of marriage, Mark and Cathy have separated. Mark is having an affair. Cathy is miserable and doesn’t know what to do. She’s tried so hard to make her marriage work and, through her tears, she wonders where things went so terribly wrong.

She doesn’t remember it now. It happened so long ago, just after she and Mark returned from their amazing honeymoon in Paris. They’d had a wonderful first day in their new home. Late that evening, Cathy brushed her teeth and walked into their bedroom where Mark was sitting in bed, flipping through channels on the TV and crunching pretzels. Cathy was still exhausted from the trip. She yawned and crawled between the covers, hoping Mark would get the hint and . . .
(read more)

The Box

2007-11-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

My dentist has a poster on the ceiling at his office. He put it there so his patients would have something to look at while they’re in the chair.

I think about it sometimes because it reminds me of myself. It’s a picture of a tiny kitten looking up helplessly from the bottom of large cardboard box. The caption reads,

“I’m much better at getting myself into things than I am at getting myself out of them.”

Maybe you can identify? Isaiah put it this way, "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way…." (53:6a)

Kittens, sheep, people. Sometimes there’s not much difference. No one plans to get himself or herself into a pickle (sorry…I like to mix metaphors), yet we all do at one time or another.

Many couples start backing themselves into The Box early in their relationship. Something happens and� ... (read more)

The Blame Game

2007-11-19T08:06:00.000-08:00

Jesus is a gentle person. Everything he said and did here on earth was filled with compassion and grace. Yes, he was straightforward when he spoke the truth, yet his kindness toward us always came through (see John 3:17).

The Lord sees your heart. He’s watched you play the Blame Game, and he has something much, much better in mind for you. Read more...

Wondering what to give your partner this Christmas?

2007-11-18T13:13:00.000-08:00

How about a Merry Relationship with YOU? Receive a 20% Discount on our Christmas Couples Special now through December 21.

If your partner has suggested couples counseling in the past and you just haven't got around to it yet, this will be a wonderful Christmas suprise! Click here for more information.

Another Love Story

2007-11-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

We think you'll enjoy the following love story from Gimundo:

"Last week, Patrick Moberg was riding the New York City subway from Union Square to Bowling Green when he spotted her across the row: The girl of his dreams.

"As he watched the beautiful girl write in her journal, he knew he that if he didn't work up the courage to speak to her, he'd always wonder what could have been. But when the train stopped, a crowd of people rushed between them before he could reach her.

"'We made eye contact, really solid eye contact . . . and, right when the words were going to leave my mouth, she was off the train,' Moberg, a 21-year-old web designer, told Australia's The Age.

"More than 8 million people make their homes in New York City. Chances were, Moberg would never see the girl again. But he decided to try anyway.

"That night, he created a website: www.nygirlofmydreams.com. The site featured details about the subway car's journey, and a drawing of the young woman he'd seen, with rosy cheeks, blue shorts, and a flower tucked behind her ear. It also included a portrayal of Moberg himself – with the words "not insane" beside his head, for those who might assume otherwise.

"Moberg passed the website address along to everyone he knew – but when the New York Post caught wind of his story, thousands of new viewers checked the site, hoping they could help track down his mystery woman.

"Amazingly, within less than 2 days, the website worked: A friend of Moberg's "dream girl" recognized 22-year-old Australian Camille Hayton from his drawing, and put the two of them in touch. They met for coffee over the weekend.

"Unfortunately, reporters didn't have a chance to tag along on the date, so we have no idea how it went. As Moberg said on his website, "unlike all the romantic comedies and bad pop songs, you'll have to make up your own ending for this."

"Here's hoping it's a happy one!"

Mind Reading

2007-11-07T14:42:00.000-08:00

Below are the notes from last week's class. (The KEY is online.)

Dumb Attitude #5: “My Lover Should Read My Mind”

Women talk in _________. Men listen in ________.

Men are usually waiting for the ______________. For women, it’s about the ________ of relationship. If you short-circuit the ________, she may begin to feel like it’s not _______ to share her thoughts and feelings. (Sometimes, it’s the other way around.)

Lifeline #21 In good relationships, talking is _______ and _________. “An honest answer is like a ____________________ ” (Proverbs 24:26).

Lifeline #22 _______ and ________ can—and must—go together to preserve your connection, and acting on the following tips for connecting first with grace can help.

__________ you partner first.
Listen to your partner’s perspective before _______________.
Listen to your own ___________ in what you are saying.
Affirm that the issue you’re talking about is _______________ of your relationship.
Take a ______________.
Don’t use ___________ language.
Keep the ___________ in mind.
Listen and ____________ your partner’s perspective.

Lifeline #23 Begin with the ________ in mind: knowing and understanding one another more.

Lifeline #24 You can’t _________ someone you don’t _______. The more you _________, the more you’ll know.

Lifeline #25 The more effective you become at stopping the _________ that block your communication, the more effective you’ll be in finding each other’s _____________.

In this week's class, we'll be talking about "Fighting Fair."

If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

From This Day Forward

Do you know an engaged couple? You can help them get their marriage off to a great start by letting them know about our Premarital Counseling program!

At OCCC, we believe Premarital Counseling should be more than deciding who’ll take out the trash and who’ll do the dishes. Getting a marriage off to a great start means facing the challenges head on, especially those that many engaged couples often fail to recognize. Our personalized, experiential approach is designed to provide the tools that will help your friends create and keep a more loving, safe, and satisfying relationship.

Call 714-865-2164 and ask about our Special Premarital Package.

Understanding Men
Saturdays 10:30am - 11:45am

Do you have a hard time understanding the man in your life? This information and discussion group focuses on more effective ways to relate to your partner to help you both have a more satisfying relationship. This new group, for women only, is now forming. Please call 714-865-2164 for details.

For more information, please feel free to call:

Dr. Debi Smith
Licensed Psychologist PSY21711
Director, OC Christian Counseling Associates
714-865-2164

Note: All information provided is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.

Hurting Each Other

2007-10-31T09:16:00.000-07:00

Below are the notes from last week's class. (The KEY is available online.)

Dumb Attitude #4: “My Lover Should Never Hurt Me”

"A new command I give you: _____________. As I have loved you, so you must _____________. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you _____________." John 13:34-35

It’s easy to love someone who makes you feel good. As wonderful as he or she is, your partner will ________ at times, and it’s going to hurt.

Your ________ and ________ can go a long way toward making a reconnection that will bring about attachment, intimacy, and positive feelings toward one another.

People set themselves up for failure by expecting a good marriage to be one without pain, and that expectation comes in at least three forms.

The wish for a _____________
The wish for a _____________
The wish to make up for _____________

Lifeline #16 The trials of your relationship can build your ________ and make your ________ stronger.

Discussion Topic: Can you recognized when someone’s setting a trap for his or her partner by asking a “loaded” question? Give specific examples.

Lifeline #17 Love brings us closer to ________ and to ________. It keeps us alive and growing.

Lifeline #18 Rescue your love life by totally ________ and ________ every aspect of each other without ________.

Lifeline #19 When your love connection brings out the worst in you, you’re ________. Work through it together with ________ and ________.

Lifeline #20 When temptation knocks (appears), it’s a ________, so don’t ________________! Don’t be a lone ________. Stay on the path with the rest of the ________.

In this week's class, we'll be talking about "Mind Reading." If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

Looking for Help in So Cal?

2007-10-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Life isn't going as you planned. You and your partner are on different pages, and no matter what you do, things just keep getting worse between you. It's frustrating and often painful, and sometimes you wonder if it's worth it anymore.

Ongoing problems don't necessarily mean you should end the relationship. It is possible to break free of negative patterns and create a more satisfying relationship for you both.

At OC Christian Couples, we strive to make therapy affordable for every couple who has a sincere desire to grow. Those who cannot pay the full fee, may apply for a fee reduction.

Research shows that extended sessions (75 minutes, instead of the usual 45) are more productive, and that most couples experience a significant improvement after 8 to 20 sessions. At the beginning of therapy, you will receive a thorough assessment of your relationship including couple and individual interviews, as well as a detailed evaluation of your interpersonal dynamics.

Our marriage education programs and couples counseling are based on sound biblical principles and scientific research, and our nonjudgmental approach reflects our desire to understand and support you and your partner ...no matter where you are in the process of your relationship.

Understanding Men

2007-10-24T11:18:00.001-07:00

Do you have a hard time understanding the man in your life? This psychoeducational group focuses on more effective ways to communicate with your partner to help you both have a more satisfying relationship. This new Saturday Morning Group, for women only, is now forming. Please call 714-865-2164 for details and cost.

Perfectionism

2007-10-24T11:05:00.000-07:00

Below are the notes from last week's class. The KEY is available online.
Dumb Attitude #3: “My Lover Should Be Perfect for Me”

For better ____ for worse: Marriage isn’t a lifelong visit to __________!

Lifeline #11 Remember that the ______ person doesn’t exist. It is possible to live happily—although imperfectly—ever after!

Discussion Topic: How do we balance _____ and _____ in our relationships? What do the following phrases mean to you?

Being for your spouse
Being for your relationship

Lifeline #12 Acknowledge your need for _____.

Brainstorm: Who do you see your spouse becoming? Discuss your hopes for each other in regard to your goals for:

Spiritually
Emotionally
Mentally
Professionally

Lifeline #13 Life isn’t about settling for the status quo. Relationships can provide the groundwork for growing and becoming better than we are now.

Lifeline #14 Embrace your _____. Without them, one of you wouldn’t be necessary!

Discussion Topic: What keeps you from freely and consistently giving your spouse the gift of “simply being _____ ”?

Lifeline #15 Even during conflict, find ways to make yourselves _____, not _____.

_____ are better than _____,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep _____.
But how can one keep _____ alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can _____ themselves.
A cord of _____ strands is not quickly broken.
(Ecclesiates 4:9-12)

In this week's class, we'll be talking about "Hurting Each Other."
If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

Being Happy

2007-10-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

Here are the notes from last week's class. (The KEY is available online.)

Dumb Attitude #2: "My Lover Should Make Me Happy"

Rejoice in __________ always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your __________ be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be __________ about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— __________ about such things. (Philippians 4:4-8)

Discussion Topic: Why do so many people enter marriage with the very popular “dumb attitude” that their spouses should make them happy?

Discussion Topic: Name two or more settings and contexts that could help foster your growth as a couple. Name two or more settings and contexts that could help foster your growth as an individual.

Lifeline 6: Kiss the fantasy of the __________ marriage good-bye. Pour ecstasy and completeness into your partner. Take ownership of your own __________.

Lifeline 7: You can keep your love life on course by NOT _________ when your wishes are not met and by working to meet each other’s real __________.

Lifeline 8: Preserve your connection with healthy doses of love, honesty, support, feedback, and __________.

Lifeline 9: Love is a choice. Freely choose to deny yourself those things that would be an __________ to the love you both want.

Lifeline 10: Consider the cost. A truly __________ relationship, in view of the “returns” you each receive, will be well worth the cost.

If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

In this week's class, we'll be talking about "Perfectionism."

Are You Married? Engaged? Dating?

We understand your commitment to your faith and to your relationship, and we're here to help. Our programs and services are based on sound biblical principles and scientific research to help you develop the healthy relationship that God intends for you to have.

Choosing the right therapist is important to you both! We offer a free half-hour consultation so that you and your partner can decide together if the therapist is the right person to help you improve your relationship. Read more...

For more info, call: 714-865-2164

Note: All information provided is for general informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.

Choosing the right therapist is important to you both!

2007-10-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

Did you know that many therapists have little or no training in couples therapy? If you're looking for couples counseling (premarital or marital), be sure to find out what couples training the therapist has received. If his or her training is not posted on a website or in other printed material, just make a phone call and ask.

It’s even better to ask if the therapist offers a free consultation. During the consultation, you can decide together if he or she is the right person to help with your relationship. It could save you a lot of time and money and frustration!

If you're looking for Christian couples counseling in Southern California, click here.

If you live outside Southern California, please visit Christian Psychology Resources to find a therapist near you.

Rescuing Your Love Life: Making Changes

2007-10-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

We hope you and your partner can join marriage educator Dr. Debi Smith for our new Fall Couples Seminar, Rescuing Your Love Life: Lifelines & Guidelines. Based on the book by best-selling Christian authors, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, this class will give you 40 practical, irresistible ways to eliminate the things we do every day to sink our most cherished relationship. Here’s your chance to grab hold of real, workable solutions to the frustrations and disappointments that so many relationships face!

Here are the notes from last week's class. (The KEY is available online.)

Dumb Attitude #1: “My Lover Should Make Some Changes”

Why do you look at the ______ of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the ______ in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the _____ out of your eye,' when all the time there is a _______ in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3-4)

Growing marriages are made up of ______________ people.

In a dysfunctional family, people are too concerned with __________ other people, and not concerned with making sure they are on the right track themselves.

In happy relationships, about ____% of complaints come from female partner. However, they raise issues gently and bring them up sooner rather than later. These women don’t ___ .

In addition, their male partners are willing to be ________________ by them and are willing to change their behavior.

Couple Exercise: Define intimacy. ___________________________

Lifeline 1: Change your own ________. Be willing to work on _________ first. Expect ____ things to happen.

Dependency is an important part of being _____. However, dependency causes problems in adulthood when you need another person to make you feel ______ about yourself. The goal of a healthy relationship is to ____ as partners in life.

Lifeline 2: Don’t get down on yourself if you have _________ problems. Realize that the time has come to ____ forward.

Lifeline 3: Facing your immaturity is a ______ thing to do—and it’s the first step in overcoming it.

Lifeline 4: No one is _______, and no relationship is _______ . When you resolve the underlying issues, you should see great _______.

Lifeline 5: Be an agent for ______ and ______________. Ask yourself (on a regular basis), “Is what I’m about to say or do going to help us ____ as individuals and as a couple?”

If you are unable to join us in class, you can order the book and follow along with us online. You may also want to consider other books from our Recommended Reading List.

This week we'll be talking about "Being Happy."

Look for the notes online soon!

Authentic Manhood

2007-09-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

“…manhood is more than a hormonal or an anatomical matter. Manhood is a way of thinking, being, and functioning. It is a social statement of who I am and who others think me to be. It is an issue of role. What place do I have in the community, and how am I valued in that position? Who am I in contrast to women?

“I suggest that men invest an inordinate amount of time worrying over the genuineness of their manhood. It is an aspect of self-confidence that may in fact gnaw at most of us until the day we die. What mental energy is expended on this one issue alone!” (When Men Think Private Thoughts, MacDonald, 1996, p. 9)