Photo by Katie Weilbacher on Flickr (this is how my brain looks – with, uh, different post-it content)

You know that feeling where you’ve got lots of little jobs pulling you in different directions and, despite the workload being relatively small, you feel so overwhelmed that actually tackling any part of it feels like taking on the labours of Hercules? That’s kind of my life. I feel awful acting like I’m busy when most of my friends are in the midst of exams (well, even when they’re not!), but I realise my workload is low even when the irrational part of my brain is yelling otherwise.

Anyway, because I’m a terrible blogger and blogging is but one of those little jobs, I’m essentially going to post my to-do list here in an effort to placate the imaginary hoards of screaming fans. You’re welcome.

• One thing I don’t have to do is my first proper web design project, because I finished that today! I will blog about it when my “client” (by which I mean “internet friend and correspondent who asked me to make a WordPress theme for him”) is finished setting up. Coding is one of those things where, once I start, I can work on for hours without noticing, which is why I’m having to keep myself from working on a personal project right now so I can concentrate on more pressing matters!
• A couple more things I don’t need to worry about are a couple of events I was considering attending. One is a general things really – there are a few conferences and other events going on in June for the Turing Centenary. I’m concerned I don’t know enough about computer science though, and I’ve had quite a few trips away this year already. The other was the BIG Event, but as you’ll see I have more than enough STEM related jobs and ideas already!
• Now onto the actual list: I owe about a dozen people replies to emails, messages or comments. One is over a month overdue. I am a terrible person.
• I’m running a Young Rewired State in Nottingham this August – the venue is pretty much confirmed, but now I have to do mentor and student recruitment.
• I need to get over my fear of something going terribly wrong and announce OutSTEM already. I have the Google Group, I have the website and social media stuff, now I just need people.
• I have one Queereka post due for Friday, and a regular weekly posting slot after that. My worry is that I’m stumbling over ground that’s been trodden to mud already.
• I’m designing something for someone. Though the someone in question doesn’t read my blog, I don’t want to inadvertently ruin the surprise, which is why I’m being cryptic. (The other reason being my natural air of mystery.)
• The volunteer form for The National Museum of Computing that I’ve had (gulp) almost a year now.
• I have a ridiculous number of ideas for videos and blog posts. Sadly this isn’t matched by the important stuff – y’know, motivation.
• I need to actually make some progress on the online mindfulness course I started then abandoned. Slightly ironic that that’s on my crazy to-do list. (I’ve also neglected general healthiness, which is just silly on various levels.)
• I have books I want to read before ESOF in July, none of which are especially lightweight. I’m going to see Lisa Randall and Brian Greene speak, so want to have read their most recent books. (I’m also plucking up the courage to ask Prof Randall on Twitter if I can interview her while trying not to make a huge fool of myself.) I’ve also got books to read before “planned” videos.
• I have several emails that would take a few seconds each to compose and send, but that nevertheless evade me. Ditto small jobs like phoning people or organising papers.
• Did I mention I’m starting doing the social media for The <goto> Foundation? More about that soon, but for now check out this account of their first event by founder Sue Black (who is kind of amazing).

On top of this there’s all those big but easily-put-off-able tasks, like organising my music collection or learning how to use my fancy camera properly or sleeping. Actually, I wish that last item even worked in the context of a weak joke. My body still insists on getting far more sleep than I need, which does very little good. It’s another thing to work on. Don’t get me wrong, I love being busy – I just wish my body didn’t respond to it like it were some horrible disease!

I think that’s it. *breathes*

While I’m on the subject, one of the most annoying things about finding idea generation far easier than motivation is seeing your ideas one-by-one put into action by other people. You’d think that would spur me on, but sadly the opposite is generally the case. I’m working on framing that (and other not entirely good things) as positive – it’s much better that more qualified people, with more time, have taken on these cool projects! (Credit for this must go to my friend Kate, who suggested I keep a gratitude journal listing both good and bad things.)

I suppose I’d better stop putting things off with therapeutic blog posts, but before I do go and capture a three-headed dog monster thing with my bare hands, here’s a quote by Arthur Schopenhauer that I found via this website, which I found via this really great mailing list (sign up and you receive an email every day from a random person also signed up to the list – and may even get a chance to send one yourself!). The guy whose site it is also has depression and anxiety, and the quote resonates with me as it relates to mental and physical illness, but it’s pretty good advice for anyone and ties into what I said in the previous paragraph.

But we live through the fine days without noticing them;
only when we fall on evil ones do we wish to have back the former.
With sour faces we let a thousand bright and pleasant hours slip by unenjoyed
and afterwards vainly sigh for their return when times are trying and depressing.
Instead of this, we should cherish every present moment that is bearable,
even the most ordinary, which with such indifference we now let slip by,
and even with impatience, push on.

Photo by me – yep, this is what I do on my days off…

My latest piece for Queereka, an overview of the life and works of Alan Turing, can be found here. It was also cross-posted to the main Skepchick website, where David Leavitt’s biography of the guy is going to be discussed for their June Book Club (no prizes for guessing who made that suggestion). I stayed up until 5am to finish this piece, but hopefully that doesn’t show and it also veers into neither gushing nor mawkishness. Thinking about how Turing got treated, and how others got treated and are still treated the same way, always makes me sad and angry.

I’ve been working on an article about Alan Turing today, or at least trying to. The emotional content of the article plus my general bad frame of mind (I’m experiencing pains that may just be fibromyalgia, but may also be carpal tunnel) made it necessary to take a walk and clear my head, and I ended up at the library. I’ve been wanting to do book-related Youtube videos for a while, and while I like the idea of book hauls because I like talking about what I want to read, I don’t like the “look at how much I’ve bought!” mentality. As I was walking home with a huge bag of books I thought “why not do a library book haul”? So… I did! This video was completely off the cuff, edited down from eleven and a half minutes of footage – I also somehow managed to forget how to work Adobe Premiere, which is why a video filmed with a DSLR looks more like it was filmed with a potato. Nevertheless, it felt really good to have an idea and see it come to fruition all in one afternoon, even if I was shirking my responsibilities. Enjoy!

(By the way = “the Elmify gathering” was a gathering in London organised by one of my favourite Youtubers, Elmify. It was lots of fun, and I met a ton of lovely, awesome, nerdy people. It’s weird to think I could have listened to my anxieties and just not gone. Hopefully that will happen less and less.)

So, this is my first cover story! Well, except the article on Fair Trade I wrote for County News, a free monthly Lincolnshire paper, when I was fifteen. It’s definitely my first scientific cover story though! I am very excited, particularly since this article was such a struggle to write thanks to my being ill. It helped show me that I can do things even when I’m not mentally well. I’m probably too excited, since I’m bragging about it here. Recovering depressive, pride in achievements, etc, etc.

(Incidentally, that County News article may have been responsible for the Fair Trade stall’s profits plummeting. That’s another story that won’t be appearing on any covers, but may appear here at some point. I fear the Large Hadron Collider may break down soon thanks to my bad article karma.)

The magazine in question is “a free magazine sent to all UK secondary schools (science and design and technology departments), teachers’ training colleges and many educational organisations”. I originally met the editor at the Big Bang Fair in 2009, where he asked me to write something having listened to me describe my project (it partly involved electronics). Since then I’ve written three articles for them – one on my Nuffield project, one on my visit to CERN and this latest one. Sadly this issue is the magazine’s last, but it’s been a great publication and I feel very lucky to have been asked to write for it – having that level of faith invested in me as a newbie was so valuable.

Just goes to show where STEM subjects can take you! </cheesy sci comm stock phrase>

You may have read my about page (see the red bar above) already, but if not it provides essentially a list of the things I’ve done. To put it more informally, I’m a theoretical physics student passionate about showing as many people as I can how awesome science is. I do this in a number of ways, such as writing and editing articles, going into schools to speak or run science days, talking at conferences, mentoring young people – whatever passes my way, really! My immediate future plans in this area include starting a network for LGBTQ* UK STEM professionals (so many acronyms!), running a Young Rewired State centre in Nottingham in August and science writing for various outlets. Having suffered mental health issues for most of my life I’m interested in reducing the stigma that surrounds these kinds of conditions, as well as exploring new ways to promote wellbeing (especially technology and social media based). I’m also starting out in the world of serious website design, my current expertise being WordPress theme design (though I still haven’t gotten round to prettifying my own site, sadly!).

One area I’m especially interested in is gifted and talented education, with emphases on wellbeing and helping G&T young people from working-class and/or non-academic backgrounds. I would also love to get involved in convincing more girls to study STEM subjects. Being fairly young myself, I really enjoy putting myself in the shoes of younger people who may or may not be interested in science and finding the best way to spark their curiosity. Though I study theoretical physics, I can find fascination in just about any area of STEM (and subjects beyond too). I do, however, suffer from an annoying tendency to get interested in far more things than I can possibly do! I’m pretty good at generating ideas, but I need focus. If you reckon my services might be of use to you (that makes me sound like an assassin, but I have a policy of non-homicidal outreach) or your organisation feel free to drop me an email at c[at]courtneywilliams.co.uk.

In the meantime please subscribe to my RSS feed or add me on your social network of choice (see the icons in the sidebar). I will be getting up a blog post tomorrow concerning my thoughts on at least a couple of elements of the Science Communication Conference. And don’t worry, I’m not always this self-promoting!

Photo by Rick Harris on Flickr

Tomorrow I’m due to go to Manchester for a couple of days for a maths outreach workshop. The problem is, that’s the last thing I want to be doing right now. As I mentioned previously, I’m in some pain and also mentally not feeling very well. When I’m anxious or depressed, the pain gets worse. And right now, I am anxious and depressed. It feels so strange to be writing while I’m feeling anxious and depressed, but I’m hoping that getting my feelings out will help and won’t be too incoherent.

Every time I feel like this I find myself racking up in my head how long it’s lasted. The PHQ-9 and GAD-7, the questionnaires used to diagnose depression and anxiety respectively, require you to have felt various symptoms for at least two weeks. (Emo!Courtney pipes up, “but I’ve felt like this for over half my life!”) Of course, these questionnaires are not precisely prescriptive, but it’s interesting how, even at my best, I still count as moderately depressed and anxious under their schemes.

Certainly, I’m a long way from not being able to get out of bed (she says as she types lying down in bed), but the thoughts that confined me there are constantly present despite my efforts to reason with them. A lot of them are objectively logical, as well. Not living is preferably to living in pain and contributing nothing. There must be something wrong with you if you can’t sustain any friendships. Things normal people do without thinking are achievements to you, which is pathetic. You can’t act like you care about social justice if you get emotional just reading about it. You’re not going to cope at university, but you can’t cope at home either – you may as well give up. I guess my feelings could be summed up by what Stephen Fry said in “The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive”, “I don’t want to kill myself, but I wouldn’t mind dying”. Of course, that lack of action means my illness doesn’t count in the eyes of the NHS. (I know a line has to be drawn in treating people, but it’s so frustrating to fall just the wrong side of it. Then again, the Tories will probably make it the case that you don’t get treatment unless you were a member of the Bullingdon Club. SATIRE.)

If I were to ever get help from a mental health service again, this is the sort of thing I’d like to learn:

• How to cope with near constant overwhelm and not get so exhausted doing it that you don’t have the energy for anything else – right now I have articles and emails and organising to do and I just keep having panic attacks and needing to lie down
• How to acknowledge, understand and help put an end to unambiguously bad things in the world without crumbling under the depression caused by them
• How to relax around people who’ve treated you unkindly in the (distant and immediate) past – and not get angry about said treatment
• How to deal with impotent anger – the type you get when, say, you get just a little tired of reading about highly privileged people who deny how lucky they are or assume people with less privilege just don’t exist (just in general, how to live and be productive in a world that has so much bad stuff in it)
• Living with both constant low-grade anxiety/dysthymia and the threat of panic attacks/major depression relapses
• Pain management and coming to terms with an illness like fibromyalgia (not a serious one, in my case, which only adds to the guilt)
• Generally getting over the last couple of years (I’m still annoyed my only advice to help me with an “abusive” friendship was to end it – people who work in mental health should know that’s only the beginning)
• Not feeling defeated when every success over a negative thought pattern is like a level up without the skill boost

Too much to ask? Probably, from the NHS. I’ll just keep reading decent self-help books and trying to make positive decisions (including going tomorrow) until I can afford to pay someone to help me. On an academic’s salary it may take a while, but I can dream…

On a more practical, less self-indulgent note, here are some tactics I have found useful in getting me to respond to some huge emails: limiting the number of tabs I can have open with No More Tabs, coming off Twitter briefly (too many articles and other things to get worked up about get posted there) and unplugging my USB mouse so I can’t click away from an active tab so easily (I assume my laptop’s broken trackpad is a clever built-in anti-procrastination device). Now I just need to do everything else!

The healthy side of my brain thinks that I did a good job this month and wrote some well-received posts and also wants to remind me about the existence of kittens.

The considerably louder depressive side thinks I wrote too little and what I did write wasn’t good enough (the well-receivers were, after all, just being kind) and also wants to remind me I’m allergic to kittens.

I’m not surprised I only achieved a third of what I set out to do – I try to ground my optimism in reality and consider my very real limitations. I’m fine with limitations. I’m used to them. I’m even learning how they work. Still, my brain insists on insisting that I’m less of a person because I can do less than the average person. I’ve gotten better at reasoning with it, but thanks to a bad few days that’s gotten nigh on impossible. The insults I’d never use against anyone else but that I don’t hesitate to use against myself keep seeping through, the limitations feel like failures again and the successes have turned into more sticks with which to beat myself.

Since coming back from those few days away I’ve had the customary comedown. However, the pain and tiredness have been a lot worse than they have previously, along with the small things that make me sad being harder to get over and just building up and building up. At the risk of sounding hopelessly angsty, it feels like it won’t end. I’m not sleeping well and I’m not able to motivate myself to do much, even though last week I was proud of myself for motivating myself to cook and tidy a little (small things of a different type to those I mentioned earlier). This is particularly worrying when I’m two weeks away from having to prove I’m fit to return to university and I’ve realised my “best” is still mild to moderate depression. It always seems that just as things start to improve, the rug gets pulled from under my feet and I have to clamber back up and then deal with the cuts and bruises oh and I’ll need something for that broken ankle too…

A brief observation: if you’re to avoid becoming a horribly bitter person, you can’t be angry at the sort of people who specialise in pulling rugs. You can only express regret for standing in the wrong place at the wrong time, which is something you couldn’t help. You can empathise with whatever made that person do such a malicious thing – they probably didn’t mean it, at the very least. Maybe they’re hurting more than anyone else, so take out their anger on rugs – you just happened to be standing in the way. (People do all sorts of strange, unhelpful things when they’re depressed but don’t know it.) Perhaps they just weren’t being considerate, or they didn’t realise you’d fall so badly. Intent isn’t magical though; broken ankles, and subsequent textile floor covering phobias, don’t heal themselves. After a few such incidents, it’s easy to see why having to learn to walk again would get tiresome. Even if you do, it’s so exhausting to walk when injured that you barely have the energy to enjoy yourself. But still, you must, unless you want to end up like one of those people tasked with scaring others into losing weight on “Supersize vs Superskinny”.

(I know, my metaphors suck.)

What I’m trying to get at is that things are tough, but I’m trying to get round them. Not succeeding much, but trying. (And, hey, if you’re reading this and you’re not me, there’s at least one thing I’ve accomplished!) I accept this is most likely a temporary mood dip and if I keep working I’ll pull myself out of it. A bad few days doesn’t inevitably turn into a relapse. Rest assured that I won’t write any extended moans beyond this post – it’s hard to get the balance right between being open about my illnesses and simply moaning, but I’m going to err on the side of caution.

If it’s any consolation, I dislike myself even more than you do at this point. Here’s some Simon and Garfunkel to placate us both.

Photo by Amit Patel on Flickr (taken at Bletchley Park – it’s more than just codebreakers )

I didn’t want to ruin my perfect run of blogging failure, so this post will be another of the “blatantly phoned in”/”horribly self-absorbed” variety.

In case you hadn’t noticed (which you probably won’t have since I barely mentioned it and, let’s be honest, it’s hardly interesting), I have a new Youtube account. I changed it so all my account names would be a closer match. It couldn’t be an exact match because, while I did once have “stellarbuffoon” as my Youtube username, I deleted it during a low mood and can’t get the name back, and my full name is also taken. Yes, this kind of irritates me. Yes, I am a complete loser.

When I moved to my new channel I reuploaded the Doctor Who video, but not the bullying one. I feel like the bullying one’s central thesis, that bullying is borne in part from immaturity, was put a bit too harshly. I didn’t credit insecurity as much as I should – the reason being that insecurity has been very extensively covered in that context, whereas I’ve never seen immaturity discussed. I think I should have made the point that we need to teach children (and adults) to deal with their insecurities in a mature fashion; I fear I came across as simply condemning, which I didn’t intend. I’d like to review the video (except for the part about watching myself, blech) before putting it up. I hope my removing it doesn’t come across as me pretending I haven’t done something wrong – if nothing else, I’ve stated that here.

Anyway, the point of this post is not to promote my old projects, but to choose new ones. As usual, I have a lot of ideas, but no real motivation or direction. There are so many things I could do that my overwhelm tends to get in the way of any real activity. Here are the ideas I have so far, I’d appreciate knowing what you think:

• Book vlogging: I’ve noticed that most book vloggers (with the exception of Joanne Manaster) concentrate on YA lit and romance. There’s nothing wrong with that (well-written YA lit is one of the best things ever), but I would like to do something different – talking about the books and book-related topics in which I’m interested. This would probably be very popular-science orientated (especially science biographies, which I love), though with a healthy dose of other stuff too. I would also possibly be the only Youtube book vlogger who isn’t a fan of either “Harry Potter”, “Twilight” or “The Hunger Games” (okay, so I haven’t read the latter, but that still sets me apart from the rest of human civilisation).
• Science videos: I need to do more things for Scientific Kitty – these things could be videos on the science behind TV shows, or videos about my favourite science programs, or anything. Another idea I have is a video on the physics of the violin/viola. I also promised Paul on Twitter a while back that I’d do something explaining dark matter. I refuse to give up on that goal! I want to put the Lincoln Astronomical Society talk I couldn’t give online too. I have to admit I’m leaning towards videos with a more lecture-y format, if only so I can practise writing on a whiteboard. (I would especially like to team up with Andrew on something though…)
• Mental health videos: I write a lot about mental health, but for many people who are actually affected by mental illness a blog post (especially one of my monsters) is too long to take in. Videos are far easier to consume, so would hopefully be more helpful.
• Music: one of the goals on my “London List” (which I’ll write about soon) is to join a music group of some kind. I can’t do this when the thought of playing in front of anyone terrifies me. Therefore, I should film myself playing music to build confidence! (This was suggested to me by Gordon in one of our mammoth email exchanges.)
• Imperial vlogs: as you may know I was a student blogger for Imperial in my first year. Though I don’t want to apply again and take the chance from someone else, I would like to contribute to making online media that will help people realise how applying to Imperial is the most amazing idea ever. (Not ignoring our downsides, of course, but still. WE HAVE ABC SANDWICHES.) I have blog posts planned, but there’s something about vlogging that just seems more accessible.

I really want to work on my confidence and delivery (I have a tendency to rush when I’m talking, plus get stage fright), and video making should provide a perfect opportunity to do this. I’m also going to work on transcribing and subtitling all my videos so they’re accessible to everyone.

I have to admit there’s something else that’s holding me back, relating to (you guessed it!) my not-so-nice friend. She told me on more than a few occasions that I “stole” her interests and made them my own, or that me being interested in things or recommending them was an instant downer. My brain is still partly in eggshell-stepping mode – I don’t want to make any of my video-making friends feel awful by joining in with the fun. At the same time I recognise that most people aren’t as ill as I suspect she was, so won’t necessarily react in the same way. (I know I don’t when friends share interests – even when they go further than I ever could, as so many of them do. Seriously, I have the coolest, kindest, most inspiring friends. I feel so lucky to be in such a position.)

I know it’s silly to still feel like this. I’m working hard to overcome the fear though. While at one point I could barely leave the house or do anything, now I’m able to take trips and interact widely online without answering to anyone. I’m hoping making videos freely will be the next step.

I know it’s terribly presumptuous of me to think that anyone even cares what I do, but I have at least had people asking me when I’m making more videos, and I’m not saying you have to think I have any aptitude for it. I would just appreciate a bit of input regarding where I should go next. So have at it! Which of my ideas do you think is the least terrible? What should I go for first? Are there any more at which you’d like me to have a stab? If nothing else, you’ll get a tiny boost from the credit I’ll give you when I get round to making your contribution a reality – plus, of course, your very own slice of my eternal gratitude.