It couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

After the trauma of preterm labor, a month of bed-rest, and a three-day long delivery, I was a new mom who had to constantly hold, nurse, or pump milk for our premature daughter. The around-the-clock care didn’t ease up after the first couple of weeks like they said it would. I was so exhausted that I felt delirious. You might know the feeling.

To top it all off, I could tell our marriage was strained and I felt compelled to check my husband’s computer. I knew that in the past, when I had been sick, weak, or occupied with something else, Ryan would struggle more intensely with pornography. We had been going around and around with this problem for the full three years of our young marriage. No amount of disappointment, hurt, anger, conviction, or counseling had solved the problem. The solutions we had tried only lasted until the temptation crept up again. I ignored the internal warning several times. I felt too drained to admit that Ryan might be looking at pornography while I was caring for the baby or enjoying any moments of sleep that came my way. I thought, I can’t take care of another person’s problems; he’s supposed to be strong for me.

And yet the prompting continued. Check your husband’s computer.

When I finally scanned the history on Ryan’s computer, I found some images that he had recently viewed. Even though I wasn’t surprised, I did feel freshly hurt and betrayed. I felt the familiar rush of jealousy, of wanting to look intently at every two-dimensional woman to discover what she had that I didn’t have, what she did that I didn’t do, or what she was that I couldn’t be. I clenched my jaw and set my heart in disgust towards my husband: my heart was filled with bitterness toward this man who wasted our time, energy, and resources on lust while I worked so hard to take care of our family…

Read the rest of Laura’s story in our new free e-book, Hope After Porn: 4 women share their stories of heartbreak…and how their marriages were saved.

Did you know…

• More than 1 in 8 web searches are for erotic content.
• 79% of youth’s unwanted exposures to Internet porn take place in the home.
• Nearly 1 in 5 teens who receive a “sext” share it with someone else.
• 20% of teens say their peers are “mostly unkind” to each other on social networks.
• 76% of online predators are 26 or older.
• 40% of teens have seen pictures on social networks of their peers getting drunk, passed out, or using drugs, and half of these first saw these pictures when they were 13 or younger.

Free Internet Safety Webinar For Parents and Teachers

To help raise awareness about Internet safety issues, Covenant Eyes sponsors a special online seminar: 5 Internet Dangers Facing You and Your Family Right Now. The next webinar is tomorrow, February 7, 2012, at 9:00pm EST. Register for this special presentation now. Space is limited.

One common theme I noticed among the more permissive women was that the only ethical dilemma was related to a guy “sneaking around” to look at porn. For these women, the real problem with porn is the secrecy that often comes with it. They believe as long as he’s open about it, there’s no problem. If they watch it together in the bedroom, no harm done.

I think wives who allow this to go on in the bedroom need to stop and think about the consequences.

1. First, I would challenge wives to think about what their standards are for a healthy sexual relationship. Is it merely bigger orgasms, more experimentation, more variety, or is there something of a connection you long for? Could sex actually be better if you knew you had all of your man, not just his body, but his full attention?

Where is your husband’s mind during love-making? Is it more focused on the women in the porn flick, or you? Even when he’s not looking at the screen, where is his mind? Mentally, what he is doing is similar to watching porn while alone and masturbating, only in the bedroom he’s using his your body.

I agree with Dr. Judith Reisman when she says porn causes men to be impotent, in the classic sense of the word: unable to function with their own sexual power.

If he can’t make love to his beloved, if he has to imagine a picture, if he has to imagine a scene, in order to actually reach the heights of completion with this person, then he’s no longer with his own power, is he? He has been stripped. He has been hijacked. He has been emasculated. He has, in effect, been castrated visually.

I believe if wives are being honest with themselves they would say, “No, I do not want to train my husband’s mind to always need to withdraw into fantasy in order to orgasm. I want to know he is fully present with me.”

2. I would challenge wives to think about all the psychological harms that come with repeatedly watching pornography in general. Viewing pornography has been proven, for both men and women, to decrease our sexual satisfaction in marriage, make us escape into fantasy and avoid connection in authentic relationships, lower our view of women, and create a thirst for watching more pornography. (I outline a lot of these harms in a short e-book I wrote called Your Brain on Porn.)

Bringing porn into the bedroom exposes a husband to these harms. A wife should fight for the sexual health of her man. Bringing porn into the bedroom also exposes you as a woman to these harms (as this great testimony on our blog talks about).

3. I would remind you that God is the wise designer of sex, and godly sex, as He commands it, should not contain elements of lust. Certainly some women might believe their man isn’t lusting after the women in pornography if they’re using it to spice up their bedroom life, but this is turning a blind eye to how they know their man really is. If he were alone masturbating to porn, he would be lusting. If he’s in the bedroom with you being turned on by the women he sees on the screen and filling his mind with images of them, then he’s lusting. Yes, he may simultaneously be turned on by you. But this is like eating a salad and washing it down with a BK Whopper and saying you had a healthy meal.

The porn industry may be required to have all their performers use condoms.

Enforcing this law puts porn producers between a rock and hard place. The rock would be their blatant violation of workplace health laws. The hard place would be the demands from porn consumers: no one, apparently, wants to see condoms in their porn films.

Recently I asked Shelley Lubben, founder of the Pink Cross and a former porn actress, what this vote could means for the porn industry.

. . . .

LG: Currently, much of the porn industry in California violates Cal/OSHA’s requirements, correct? What specifically is the violation?

SL: The California Occupational Safety and Health Act requires employers to provide a safe and healthful workplace for employees, and pay the costs of their health and safety program. This same act gives Cal/OSHA jurisdiction over virtually all private employers in California, including employers in the adult film industry. Employers must comply with all relevant regulations, which are contained in Title 8 of the California Code of Regulations.

Directly applicable to the porn industry there is a Bloodborne Pathogens Standard for all employees exposed to bodily fluids.

LG: So, if they are already in violation, what is the significance of the Los Angeles city council recent vote?

SL: Cal/OSHA has continually said they are not able to enforce the standard and the laws due to low staff so LA City Council has agreed to help enforce the workplace laws by making it mandatory to wear condoms in order to get a film permit.

LG: What sort of public support does this law have?

SL: Over 70,000 LA Voters signed the initiative to make condoms mandatory.

LG: Just how bad is the porn industry when it comes to health risks?

SL: No other industry exposes workers to bodily fluids more than the porn industry. Most of the movies are filmed in private location with young 18-, 19-, and 20-year-old girls on a mostly male set. There is no supervision and anything goes on the porn set.

LG: The next step is approval from Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Is there any confidence he will approve it?

SL: Yes, he supports the initiative.

LG: I know there’s a concern about enforcement of this law. What would the cost be to enforce this? How difficult would it be?

SL: The new rule would require porn producers to pay a fee to fund surprise inspections. This would reasonably cover the enforcement costs.

LG: So, let’s say most of the big porn purveyors decide to leave LA (as some of them have already indicated). Where would they legally be allowed to set up shop?

SL: First of all, they threaten to leave but porn stars would never leave their precious Hollywood, all their prostitution clients, and their LA lifestyle. The only place they can set up shop in the United States is New Hampshire and Pink Cross along with AIDS Healthcare Foundation vows to bring the initiative there as well as also educate New Hampshire on the illegally operating porn industry. They could go to Europe to shoot but again they will run into the health laws. They really have nowhere to run.

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, unwanted exposure to pornography is less common today. Over the last 10 years there have been three Youth Internet Safety Surveys (YISS) conducted (in 2000, 2005, and 2010). In these surveys children and teens, ages 10 to 17, were asked, “In the past year  when you were doing an online search or surfing the web, did you ever find yourself in a Web site that showed pictures of naked people or of people having sex when you did not want to be in that kind of site?”

Here were some of the results:

• Between 2000 and 2005 there was an increase in unwanted exposures to porn, going from 25% of youth to 34% of youth.
• Between 2005 and 2010 there was a decrease in unwanted exposures to porn, going from 34% to 23%.
• In each YISS survey, unwanted exposures to porn were more common among the 16-17 age group. In 2010, 28% of 16-17-year-olds said they had unwanted exposures.
• For the 10-12 age group, unwanted exposures to porn have increased overall in the last 10 years: from 9% in 2000 to 15% in 2010. (There was a spike of 19% in 2005.)

The authors of the study attribute the overall decline to two factors:

1. The detection capabilities of spamware and filters have become more refined in the last 10 years.
2. Young people may have become better educated and more savvy about opening unidentified e-mails or clicking on unidentified links.

For those in the Internet safety sphere, this report is cause for celebration. Technology and education may, in fact, be paying off. However, we must also pause and remember these stats only apply to “unwanted” exposures to pornography, not youth who are intentionally accessing or looking for porn.

Read more:

1. Teens and Porn: 10 Stats You Need to Know
2. The Unfiltered Truth: Children Search for Pornography From an Early Age, by Brittany Glynn
3. Tips for talking to your kids about porn: Important issues for important ages, by David Wever, LMFT
4. Internet Precautions: Tips for helping you and your kids make good choices online, by Emily Malone

Free E-Book:

Learn more about Internet dangers in our new guide, Parenting the Internet Generation: 7 Potential Threats and 7 Habits for Internet Safety. In this guide you will learn not only about pornography, but other online dangers for kids and teens. You will also learn proactive steps you can take to protect your children and your home.

I was awakened to this verse when I read Every Man’s Battle by Fred Stoeker and Stephen Arterburn, an essential book for any of us seeking to be sexually pure. Ephesians 5:3 is the theme verse for Every Man’s Battle, and it’s become the theme verse for my own sexual purity journey. It sums up my personal purity mission.

“No hint of sexual immorality” is the big goal we need to have in our sexual purity journeys. There are other sins and worldly pursuits mentioned in this passage but sexual immorality stands out the most for me.

If you read Ephesians 5 you’ll see that Paul calls the us to be above the world (v.1). Don’t be like the world. Don’t imitate the people in the world and their ways. Instead, imitate God.

Let’s look at the phrase “not even a hint.” I wish that it didn’t say it like this. I would like to allow a “hint” of sexual immorality every once in a while. Do you ever feel like that?

I may allow for it in my standards, but there’s no place for it in God’s standards. My standards are sub-par and usually have to do with stopping behaviors I don’t like anymore. But God has something different for me, something deeper. He wants me to be pure. Period. Completely pure. No hint of sexual immorality.

God broadens his call to purity when he adds “or of any kind of impurity.” There are impurities I allow into my life that are not necessarily sexual. God is trying to tell me “don’t be stained by the world.” He pounds this truth again when he reminds me I’m one of “God’s holy people.”

As I’ve wrestled with this verse in my sexual purity journey, I’ve had a couple of sincere questions to God.

Question #1: Is this really possible?

I think the answer is “no,” not with us…not when it comes to having no hint of sexual immorality or impurity. It has to come from God. He leads us in this direction and will provide for us.

I think the problem I have (and many of us have) is that I really don’t believe this Scripture. I know it in my mind, but I don’t believe it in my heart. I don’t think it’s achievable. I think there must be some other understanding of this verse.

Just because I haven’t had sustained victory in an area like masturbation, adultery, or lustful thoughts doesn’t mean that it’s not God’s standard. Also, it doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. There must be a faith component to this verse. I know that nothing’s impossible for God, but my heart is not always there yet.

Early in my recovery, I wished that sexual purity would come my way instantly. I wanted magic. I wanted to go from struggling to having no struggles. I wanted my sexual problems to disappear immediately. I kept looking for God to wave His magic wand over me and it would be easy. It never worked out that way.

This verse reminds me how much I need God for my sexual purity journey, and how impossible it is for me.

Question #2:  Why would God impose this on me?

I felt like God was being cruel by asking this of me. I believed I needed sex and sexual stimulation in order to be okay and have my needs met. I thought I needed to have an orgasm to be fulfilled and take the edge off. I thought sexual satisfaction was a part of being a man.

When I got honest with God, I would pout, “Why can’t I have just a little bit of sexual stimulation? Don’t you know that I need it? Don’t you know that I can’t live without sex?”

This was one of the many lies I believed about sex. My heart was deceived. I convinced myself that having sex and having orgasms were basic needs for any man.

I was angry that God was calling me to a higher standard. I didn’t like it. I liked my standard. I liked what I was already doing. I liked my “drug of choice.” I liked to be able to masturbate, look at Internet pornography and objectify women.

The Path Toward Healthy Sexuality

Until my recovery began, I didn’t realize I had never experienced healthy sexuality. I thought I was healthy when I would stop looking at porn or stop masturbating. But health was more than sobriety and stopping bad behaviors.

Ephesians 5:3 calls me to trust God with my sexuality and surrender it to Him. It becomes a matter of faith. Do I believe God’s Word is true? Do I believe that His standard is the best? Am I willing to obey and adopt His standard as my own?

Key Purity Principles

1. God calls us to the highest standard of sexual purity.
2. Sexual purity is impossible without God’s power. The desire to be pure pushes us toward God.
3. Sexual purity goes against the flow. We’re not going to be like the world and like our buddies any more.  It’s all about being holy people and imitators of God.

. . .

Jeff Fisher is a blogger, podcaster, and minister. He and his wife Marsha live in Raleigh, NC with their two children Caleb and Noah. They run the website PornToPurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement, and resources to individuals and couples struggling with sexual sin. His Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast is also available on iTunes.

YouTube does have “Community Guidelines” which specifically state: “YouTube is not for pornography or sexually explicit content.” With so many videos being posted, how do they enforce these Guidelines?

Flagging Videos

YouTube users themselves are the first line of defense against inappropriate videos. YouTube.com has enabled users to “flag” videos they deem inappropriate. When you click the “flag” icon, you have the opportunity to indicate why you think the video violates the Community Guidelines.

After you flag a video, YouTube staff review it to see if it fails to conform to the Guidelines. As far as sexual content goes, YouTube stresses,

Most nudity is not allowed, particularly if it is in a sexual context. Generally if a video is intended to be sexually provocative, it is less likely to be acceptable for YouTube. There are exceptions for some educational, documentary, scientific, and artistic content, but only if that is the sole purpose of the video and it is not gratuitously graphic. For example, a documentary on breast cancer would be appropriate, but posting clips out of context from the documentary might not be.

Porn on YouTube

That being said, there are still thousands of provocative videos on YouTube. Some never get flagged. Others, even when flagged, do not technically break the Community Guidelines, so they are allowed to remain on YouTube.

In 2009 the Media Research Center (MRC) examined the volume of softcore pornography on YouTube. They looked at the most popular search results for the word “porn.”

• Searching the word “porn” returned more than 330,000 results, many of which were sexually suggestive in their language and themes.

• There were 157 videos with more than one million views each found under this search. Two-thirds of these advertised themselves as being actual pornography.

• Many videos featured clips from actual porn movies, interviews with porn stars, advertisements for porn sites, and phone sex lines.

• Profanity was also commonplace in the titles and comments for the videos.

Protect Your Kids Online

Learn more Internet dangers, like pornography, in our new guide, Parenting the Internet Generation: 7 Potential Threats and 7 Habits for Internet Safety. In this guide you will learn not only about pornography, but other online dangers for kids and teens. You will also learn proactive steps you can take to protect your children and your home.

“He’s so useless, if he had a third hand he would need a third pocket to put it in.”

This is how some Covenant Eyes members feel about their Accountability Partners. As I glance through e-mails and comments from our members, it is clear some don’t feel their Partner is really up to the task.

What do you want from your Accountability Partner?

Of course, some people don’t want a super-vigilant Accountability Partner. Earlier last year I sent out a survey to our blog readers about why they value having the Covenant Eyes Accountability program on their computers and cell phones. I asked our users to give a number rating on a scale of 1 to 10:

• 1 = “I rarely or never have conversations with my Accountability Partner(s) about my Accountability Report. I just like knowing I’m being watched.”
• 10 = “I have regular conversations with my Accountability Partner(s), and we often talk about my Accountability Report, even when the report looks good.”

I was surprised by the results. Over half (53%) of the people said 1, 2, or 3. Only 20% said 7, 8, 9, or 10.

It seems, even for our regular readers, the thing many of them value about Internet Accountability is just the knowledge that someone is watching them. They aren’t necessarily looking for a proactive Partner to help keep them in line.

Still there are others who want more. In a recent comment, “Tim” said there are three reasons why his Accountability Partner is falling short:

1. His Partner does not show due diligence: he doesn’t read each Report and offer some specific comments on each one.
2. His Partner is not timely: he doesn’t offer feedback until he has multiple Reports and is playing catch-up.
3. His Partner is not alert to the whole Report: he doesn’t look at the “grey areas” on the Report—not just the Highly Mature sites but others that could be problematic.

Setting Expectations: 7 Tips

Before you fire you Accountability Partner, you may need to have a talk about expectations.

Whether you are disenchanted with your current Accountability Partner or are looking for one for the first time, it is important to set mutual expectations. I suggest using the Covenant Eyes Rating System and the modules on the Accountability Report to do this:

1. Tell your Partner to how often you think they should get the Accountability Report. They can get your Reports delivered to them once every three days, once a week, or once every two weeks. Tell them which frequency you think is best based on your Internet surfing habits. Your Accountability Partner can change this Report setting on our website.
2. Tell your Partner which sensitivity level is best for your Accountability Reports. Your Partner can choose a Report Sensitivity Level, giving them a choice about what web ratings they want to see on each Report. Are you only concerned about visiting porn sites? Then the HM (Highly Mature) setting is probably right for your Reports. Are you also concerned about other sites that might provoke lust (lingerie sites, crude humor, video sharing sites, dating sites, etc.)? Then the M (Mature) or MT (Mature Teen) settings might be better. Your Partner can also change this setting on our website.
3. Tell your Partner to pay close attention to sites with high ratings. Your Partner can get a glance of some of the highest ratings by going to the “High Ratings per Site” module on the Accountability Report. Often page titles will appear, which should give your Partner a better idea about a questionable site. If page titles don’t appear, have your Partner look for questionable words in the web address, if there are any. Your Partner can learn more about how to read the Report here.
4. Tell your Partner what times of day or night he/she should look out for. If you don’t think you should be online at 1:00 a.m., tell your Partner that. Each time a website is accessed, the time it was accessed will also appear on the Accountability Report. To get a general overview of this, tell you Partner to go to the “Average Hourly Usage” module on the Report. They’ll see a graph showing the times of day in percentages when the Internet was accessed.
5. Tell your Partner about any “grey areas” he/she should be looking out for. You know where you get into the most trouble. Is it Facebook? Chat sites? Photo sharing? YouTube? Talk to your Partner about those sites and make sure they keep an eye out for them on the Report.
6. Tell your Partner to ask you about any questionable web searches. On every Report you can choose to see the “Web Searches” module which gives a list of all the highly rated searches you did. Tell your Partner to always pay close attention to this section and ask you specifically about any questionable search.
7. Tell your Partner how often and under what circumstances you expect them to talk to you about your Report. Do you want to hear from your Partner right after he/she sees the Report? Tell them that. Do you only want them to talk to you after a questionable Report, or even when the Report looks good? Tell them that. When they contact you, do you prefer they drop you an e-mail, call you, or talk to you in person? Tell them that. Setting these expectation will really help them do their job better.

Our friends Josh and Jeannie Yates who work in youth ministry at Gingellville Community Church were interviewed about their experience regarding young people and pornography. They also talk at length about why they use Internet accountability software and why they even “prescribe” it to the teens they work with.

This interview is from the creators of Willful Entrapment, an expressive short film about the cost of porn addiction. Make comments about this video on ScratchingTheSurfaceDoc.com.

Teens and Porn: 10 Stats You Need to Know

Luke’s questions are in italics, with my responses underneath:

Start with hope

LG: Let’s say a dad came to see you for advice about his teenage son. He tells you his son has been sneaking out of bed late at night looking at porn on the computer. He’s put filters in place but his son seems to be able to get around them. How might you start advising this father?

The first thing the parent needs to know is that God’s grace is sufficient for this.

The starting point when dealing with personal challenges must be in the hope we have in God. While we may not be able to understand everything that is going on in our lives, we can understand, know, and trust in God’s goodness even in our darkest hours.

I would want to make sure the parents are rooting their hearts and minds in God alone. God is writing His story in their lives. God is in control. God is working His plan.

And most importantly they need to know that God is good. These should be fixed anchor points in their hearts. My first goal would be to make sure the parents are rooted in these truths.

The second thing I would want to do is make sure the parents understand that the real issue is in the kid’s heart, not on his computer. While the parent can use technology to guard the computer, he will need to take another approach to guard the child’s heart.

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. – James 1:14-15 (ESV)

Sometimes a dad or a mom can have a hard time accepting what they are seeing in their children. While they can understand why other children mess up, it can be hard to receive and accept the truth about their own children.

If a child, like the one you’re asking about, goes to these lengths to get to porn, then you are more than likely talking about what our culture calls an addiction. Paul frames it better by calling it being “caught” in a transgression.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. – Galatians 6:1 (ESV)

It may be helpful for them to reframe what is happening in their family another way. For example, if you think about an alcoholic or crack addict who was circumventing sound advice and obstacles to drink or use, then it may be easier for the parent to see the depth and severity of the problem.

This kid is not a victim to his culture or to technology. He is premeditating how he can get to porn. He is a user. According to James, porn is in his heart. He is being lured away by evil desires that he fosters in his heart.

End with hope

This may be a good time to re-remind the parents of the grace and mercy of God. God is working His plan in their lives and now they have a great opportunity to cooperate with what God desires to do for their child.

With that in mind, part of God’s mercy could be His desire to blow this thing up while the child is young. This would be a mercy from the Lord. Dealing with this problem today is far better than finding out about it when he is 40-years old, married to a bitter wife, and his own kids are in rebellion.

Rather than the parents getting lost in the discouragement of what is going on I would want to motivate them to think and respond biblically, while implementing a biblical plan to help their son. As you counsel them, be sure to situate the parent’s hope in God.

Parents need to lead

LG: What are some first steps of protection you would recommend to parents to prevent future porn-surfing?

The parents should do the most obvious things like Covenant Eyes. I would also recommend that they call Covenant Eyes to make sure they have all the blocks that are possible on their computers–all of their computers.

This kind of protection would also apply to cell phones, iPads, and any other form of technology that allows the child to access pornography. While there are no foolproof ways to stop a guy if he wants to get porn, it would be good to do as much as possible.

Additionally, I would remove or reduce his accessibility to technology. Does he have to have technology? What is the purpose for him having a computer and other devices?

Cell phones are a desire, not a need. Most people do not need a cell phone. Our culture tells us we need one while enticing us to have them. Facebook is similar. Nobody needs to be on Facebook. Though this flies in the face of our technology gods, the truth is that we don’t need all that we have.

I have counseled many parents who are afraid of their children, as shown by their acquiescing to the demands of their children. I would want to carefully walk the parents through the “needs vs. desires” tension when it comes to technology.

If there are times when the child needs to be on the computer, then I would move his computer to a central, highly visible, and public place in the home. If your son struggled with drinking, I don’t think you would put a mini-fridge full of beer in his room and give him a stern warning about what you’ll do to him if he takes a sip.

Model, serve, and protect

LG: How should a parent talk to their teen about the details of what they have seen? Should a parent probe into specific questions about what kind of porn was viewed?

The parents should talk to their child the way they would want to be talked to if they were found out. Yelling and screaming at a child would not be a good idea. The parents should seek to model what they want their child to be. This was the advice of Paul in several places in his writings (1 Corinthians 11:1; Ephesians 5:1; Philippians 4:9).

• If they want their child to be humble, then they should model humility.
• If they want their child to be kind, then they should model kindness.
• If they want their child to be honest, then they should model honesty.

As far as the actual content, it would depend on the situation, the content viewed, and the parents. For example, the dad has a responsibility to protect, lead, and shepherd his wife. Sometimes the role of a shepherd-husband is to protect his wife.

• Will it serve her to know what was viewed?
• What would be the point of her knowing all the details?

I deal with these kinds of things all the time. My wife’s position is that she trusts me and she does not want to know all the gory details. She does not want her mind polluted with some of the things I hear through my counseling opportunities. It is my job to serve my wife, to help her in her growth in Christ.

It may not serve the wife to know the severity or the explicit nature of the porn her son was viewing. It is enough to know that her son was in porn and that he needs help.

From the husband’s perspective, it would not be wise for him to view the porn–nothing more than what he has discovered. Men are affected differently than women. While the wife is generally nurturing and would be tempted to lose hope by what she sees, the husband would be tempted to be lured in by what he views.

In either case, porn takes no prisoners. It is violence to the soul. All parties involved should be extremely circumspect when dealing with it. More porn knowledge or more visuals are not helpful.

It’s not important to count how many beer bottles were on the wall. Just knowing there were some up there, some were taken down, and your son did it should be enough.

Matters of the heart

LG: How should parents be discipling their children to help them understand why pornography is wrong? 

This is an interesting question. While I would want to disciple my children on the sin of pornography–if they were into porn, I would want to disciple them through the deeper and more insidious problems that are going on–the things that feed the porn.

I cannot over-emphasize this: our behaviors flow from our hearts and if our hearts are not shepherded toward Christ, then the kid does not have a chance.

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. – Luke 6:43-45 (ESV)

Some of the more insidious issues of the heart are the following:

Slothfulness - the child is lazy, meaning that he is using sex to satisfy himself rather than sex being a beautiful thing that God designed. Sex is not primarily for him, but for his future wife. He is lazy. He is not interested in what God says.

You will find laziness at the root of a lot of what the child does. Laziness is not a singular tributary out of the soul. Laziness will touch many things in this child’s life. Begin to carefully examine his whole life and you’ll find pockets of laziness in other places, not just how he thinks about and behaves toward sex.

Dishonoring - More than likely the child knows he is dishonoring his parents, but he does not care. He wants what he wants. Like laziness, you’ll also find this “dishonoring worldview” popping up in other areas of his life.

If his dishonoring attitude is not taken care of now, there will be many other repercussions in his future, e.g. how he thinks about and works for his future employer and how he loves and serves his future wife are just two examples.

Deceit/lying - He is lying and living in a lie. This is one of the more heinous sins. When a person lives a lie, then it is difficult to know if anything he says or does is the truth. Lying and deceit in a relationship will destroy a relationship.

One of the reasons we love God so much is because He always tells the truth. We can assuredly know where we stand with Him. You cannot ever be sure where you stand with a person who lies.

Self-righteousness - Porn is a form of self-righteousness. The self-righteous person has a greater than/better than attitude. Porn is the devaluing of women. The porn user is “using” women to satisfy his own selfish cravings.

Self-centeredness - As you might deduce, self-centeredness is the center of the porn users worldview. Whatever is in the center of his life is what defines him. This is who the son really is. Being self-centered will creep into every single facet of this person’s life.

Ignorance - Part of why he is not trusting God, choosing rather to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season, is because there is something he does not understand about God. There is a level of ignorance working in his life. You can find this kind of life portrayed by the life of the fool in Proverbs.

These are merely a sample of some of the things that have been going on in the kid’s heart–things that have led to his pornography use. As the parents insightfully talk to him, they will find other sinful categories working in his heart too. They will need to carefully unpack him so the roots of porn can be eliminated.

Sober self-assessment

One of the more challenging things to walk the parents through is a sober self-assessment of their marriage and how they have parented their child. In more cases than not, it has been my experience to find that there are problems between the parents, as well as how they parent when it comes to the sin of porn.

Though the kid is personally responsible for what he did, if the parents are humble they will want to know how they may have contributed and how they can change in order to serve him (Matthew 7:3-5).

It may be that the parents need to go to their child and confess their sins, whatever they may be. I have seen many parents humble themselves through the years and it went a long way in restoring what was broken in their family, the porn being just the tip of the iceberg.

Community

Finally, everybody involved needs to understand that what was born in isolation will be overcome in community. Porn is a secret sin. It lives undercover and in the dark.

The parents and the child need to pursue the care and accountability of their community–their local church. While Covenant Eyes can help, the family needs more. They need the family of God.

The parents and the child will be embarrassed. Everybody understands this. Exposure cuts against the grain of a proud heart. If they will humble themselves to the help of God’s people, they will soon experience a new and refreshing kind of grace from God.

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Rick Thomas is the Founder and President of The Counseling Solutions Group, Inc. in upstate South Carolina. Rick has a BA in Theology, a BS in Education, and an MA in Counseling from The Master’s Seminary. In 2006 he became a Fellow with the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors, for whom he now supervises potential counselor candidates. Along with his counselor training he is a Professional Counselor and Personal Coach. Rick primarily blogs at Counseling Solutions.