Good accountability relationships are hard to find. Tens of thousands of people use software tools like Covenant Eyes to help them have open and honest accountability conversations in their fight against Internet temptations, but good technology needs to be coupled with good relationships.

This is why we contacted Christian psychologist Dr. Larry Crabb. For the last several weeks we’ve been playing portions of our conversation with Dr. Crabb, to learn more about how we can have the kind of churches, small groups, and friendships that spur us on to be more like Christ. Dr. Crabb’s hope is that through these podcasts more people will recover the lost art of curiosity, and that we will learn how to engage with one another on a deeper level—one that allows us to see the work the Holy Spirit is doing in our lives.

Speaking from his book SoulTalk, Dr. Crabb speaks with us about what he calls the five dance steps of redemptive Christian conversation, five important ways of thinking that help us to speak and listen to one another in a way that stirs our passion for God. This week he talks about the second dance step: “Think Vision.”

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I thought my children were fairly well-protected. We homeschool our kids, and don’t allow them to watch much television. We know where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing 24/7.

Little did I realize that my children were in danger while sitting at home, doing their homework! My eyes were opened several months ago when our teenage son told us that he was struggling with temptation because of the titles and images that came up on our internet service provider’s homepage. Every time he tried to do his homework, he was barraged with invitations to click and see.

I see our service provider’s homepage multiple times every day, but I never really looked at it before that day. For me, the homepage is just the gateway to what I want to do on the Internet. It hadn’t dawned on me that pornographic photos, unsavory videos, celebrity gossip and disgusting news stories were all just a click away. What’s more, they were being advertised to my children every time they went online to play games or to do their homework.

Needless to say, we signed up for Covenant Eyes that same day. It has brought a wonderful sense of peace to the whole family. Here are some of the benefits we are enjoying:

• I am able to block the home page entirely. The children can still go to the sites they need for school or approved online games, but there are no more advertisements beckoning them to go elsewhere online.
• I have control over their filter and can customize it for our family’s needs. I can set it up to always block certain sites, or to always allow other sites.
• My teenager feels such a sense of relief with Covenant Eyes. He earnestly desires to keep his heart and eyes pure, and Covenant Eyes has allowed him to focus on the task at hand and not have the burden of worrying what he’ll do each day when faced with temptation. I had assumed that my kids would be able to stand in the face of temptation. But the Bible tells us that when we are tempted, God will provide a way out so that we can stand up under the temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13). Covenant Eyes has been that “way out” for him.
• Our computers are in a public area where we can easily see what is being done online. But I used to worry what might be happening when we weren’t at home. I wondered if our teenager was vigilant about monitoring the computer when he is babysitting his siblings. Covenant Eyes has removed that fear.
• A friend of mine found out their son was going online in the middle of the night. I sleep easier knowing I have our Covenant Eyes filter set up to prevent my kids from accessing the internet between 10 pm and 8 a.m.
• One of my initial concerns was how Covenant Eyes would impact my Internet use. As the owner of an Internet-based business, I spend a lot of time online and need to have high speed access to multiple websites. Covenant Eyes hasn’t broken my stride one bit! My filter gives me access to everything I need. If Covenant Eyes blocks something I need, I can easily override it with my user name and password.
• Our homeschooled high school student takes several classes online. The classes typically meet in chat rooms. This was also a concern for me, but the helpful staff at Covenant Eyes showed me how to enable the social networking sites that we need for school.

Our family is thrilled with Covenant Eyes. The cost of this filter is very reasonable, especially when compared with the price our children may pay if we don’t protect them.

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This post is by Molly Evert. Molly is the mother of 4 boys, with another baby due in September. In addition to homeschooling her children, she is a writer and a conference speaker. You can find her articles and podcasts online at Mentoring Moments for Christian Women, Countercultural Mom, and Countercultural School. She also operates an educational website for children, My Audio School.

For more information about the Samson Society, read our review of Nate Larkin’s Samson and the Pirate Monks or listen to our interview with the author.

Recognize that sexual temptation is unavoidable in our sex-obsessed culture. Erotic images on billboards, films, television and a thousand other stimulants are bombarding you daily. Being a Christian doesn’t exempt you from temptation. The godliest of men can fall prey to it. So the first step towards maintaining sexual integrity is to get real.

Admit to yourself that sexual temptation is a problem that you have to reckon with.

Remember John’s warning: “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves” (1 John 1:8).

Tip 2: GET SERIOUS

You should know by now that sexual sin ravages everyone connected with it. What you may not know is that every sexual fantasy you entertain, every flirtatious conversation you keep up, or every “second look” you indulge in is the seed for AIDS, adultery, a broken heart, and a shattered life. Get serious. If you’re entertaining lust, you’re dancing on a cliff. Take concrete action now while you can. Remember that “lust, when it is conceived, brings forth sin, and sin brings forth death” (James 1: 15).

Tip 3: GET READY

If you really believe an earthquake is coming someday, you prepare for it by developing an emergency plan. If you really believe sexual temptation is both common and can become lethal, you’ll make an “emergency plan” for it, too. Decide in advance what to do when you’re tempted: how to distract yourself, who to call, how to escape close calls.

Even St. Paul admitted: “Like an athlete I train my body to do what it should, not what it wants to do. Otherwise, I fear that I myself might be declared unfit” (1 Corinthians 9:27).

Can you really afford to do less?

Tip 4: GET CONNECTED

Sexual sin thrives in the dark. If you’re caught up in any sexual vice, one thing is certain: The secrecy surrounding your behavior is what strengthens its hold on you. However ashamed you may feel about admitting your problem to another person, the reality is this: You can’t overcome this on your own. If you could, wouldn’t you have done so by now? Take a hint from James: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that you might be healed” (James 5:16).

Find a trusted, mature Christian friend to confide in. Make that friend a partner in your recovery, and NEVER assume that you’ve reached a point where you no longer need accountability.

Tip 5: GET BRUTAL

I believe there’s an eleventh commandment somewhere that says “Thou Shalt Not Kid Thy Self.” If you’re serious about sexual integrity, you’ll distance yourself not only from the particular sexual sin you’re most prone to (fantasizing, pornography, affairs, prostitution) but you’ll ALSO distance yourself from any person or thing that entices you towards that sin. Sometimes, even a legitimate activity (certain movies, music or clubs, for example) may be OK for other people to indulge in, but not for you. Get brutally honest about your lifestyle: anything in it that makes you prone to sexual sin has to go.

“All things are lawful for me,” Paul said, “but not all things are edifying. I will not be brought under the power of anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

Tip 6: GET HELP

Sexual sins are often symptomatic of deeper emotional needs that a man is trying to satisfy in all the wrong ways. Repenting of the sin itself is a necessary first step, but recognizing the conflicts or needs that led you into that behavior may be the next step, requiring some specialized care from a Christian professional. Don’t hesitate to seek godly counsel if you’re trapped in cycles of ongoing, out-of-control behavior. The answer you need may be more than just “pray and get over it!” King David (who was no stranger to sexual sin, by the way) found refuge in Samuel’s wise mentoring (1 Samuel 19:18). If you’re willing to seek professional help for taxes, medical care or career counseling, surely you’ll be willing to do the same to maintain your sexual integrity.

Tip 7: GET COMFORTABLE

The problem of sexual temptation isn’t going anywhere. It’s been with us since time immemorial, and no doubt it will plague us until Christ comes. So get comfortable with the idea that you’ll need to manage your sexual desires throughout life, always remembering that your sexual integrity is but a part of the general life-long sanctification process all Christians go through.

“I count myself not to have attained perfection”, Paul told the Philippians. “I am still not all I should be” (Philippians 3:12-13). So learn to love the process of pressing on, not perfection.

Tip 8: GET LOVE

“I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places,” an old song laments. The sexual sin you’re drawn towards may indeed be a cheap (though intense) substitute for love. You can repent of the sin, but not of the need the sin represents. So get love in your life: friendships, family, spouse, fellow believers. A man who truly loves, and knows he’s truly loved, is far less likely to search for what he already has in places he’ll never find it.

“Why do you spend your money on that which is not bread, or your labor on that which cannot satisfy?” Isaiah asked. (Isaiah 55:2). Learn to be intimate and authentic. It’s one of the best ways to protect your heart and your integrity.

Tip 9: GET GRACE

It isn’t the sinless man who makes it to the end; rather, it’s the man who’s learned to pick himself up after he stumbles. If your struggle seems relentless, remember this: when you commit yourself to sexual integrity, you commit yourself to a direction, not to perfection. You may stumble along the way; that’s no justification for sin, just a realistic view of life in this fallen world. What determines the success or failure of an imperfect man is his willingness to pick himself up, confess his fault, and continue in the direction he committed himself to. Remember Paul’s approach: “Forgetting those things that are behind, I press on towards the mark of the high calling” (Philippians 3:14).

Tip 10: GET A LIFE

What’s your passion? What’s your calling? How clear are your goals? And, by the way, do you have any fun? The man who doesn’t have a life—a passion, a sense of meaning, an ability to play as hard as he works—is a man with an emptiness tailor-made for sexual sin.

Life is about more than keeping yourself sexually pure, as important as purity is. It’s about knowing who and why you are, where your priorities lie, and where you’re headed. If you don’t know that much about yourself, you have some serious thinking to do.

Commit yourself to developing your life as a good steward of your gifts and opportunities, and make that the context in which you seek to maintain your sexual integrity. Sexual integrity for it’s own sake is a good thing; sexual integrity for the sake of a higher calling is better. So by all means turn from your sin. But as you do, turn towards a goal-oriented, passionate, meaningful life—that is repentance in its truest, finest sense.

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This article is by Joe Dallas, Program Director of Genesis Counseling. Joe is also the author of several books, including, The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity. He is a pastoral counselor and a popular conference speaker. For over three years Joe taught and conducted the nationally recognized Every Man’s Battle conference as the originating Program Director, and from 1991 to 1993, he served as the President of Exodus International. Joe and his wife Renee reside in Orange County, California, with their two sons.

© 1999 by Joe Dallas. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be duplicated in any form without express written consent from the author. www.joedallas.com

Before we were married (in November 2002), I knew that my husband had had some trouble with pornography, but understood it to be a thing of the past. Little did I know then about the intensely addictive nature of porn, and how hard it is for a man to give up.

In the weeks leading up to the discovery of my husband’s sin, I had been working my way through the book The Power of a Praying Wife (by Stormie Omartian). This is a wonderful book, and it had me praying specifically for my husband in a number of ways, much more than I had before. In particular, I had been praying that my husband would be delivered from any temptations which Satan may be throwing at him. At this time I had no idea just what that prayer would do.

When his sin was brought into the light, I had a choice: to forgive my husband and work forward together, or to end the relationship. Praise be to God that I chose the former! Through the forgiveness and second chances offered him, my husband surrendered himself totally to God, broke his addiction with almost immediate effect, and took hold of a wonderful new life. And I saw that out of the terribly bad, God brought wonderful goodness.

My husband and I are now passionate about helping others to be delivered from this sin and pain, and take hold of the new lives God wants to give them. My husband runs a weekly accountability group for men in our Church, and is writing a book on how to resist temptation and achieve sexual purity through the power of God.

Knowing how great a role the Internet plays in providing temptation to sexual sin, I decided to create a range of ‘Sexual Purity’ mouse pads in my online Christian store. Each mouse pad is designed specifically to help men (or women) stay pure when faced with sexual temptation online, and because a mouse pad stays next to a computer, it is right there where you need it most. I pray that these will be effective in helping people stay away from sin on the Internet, and to stay sexually pure.

God truly is good. My husband and I are living proof that with HIS strength, temptation can be overcome; with HIM terrible situations can be worked out for good.

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This article is by Dene Morgan, a stay-at-home-mom, who creates apparel designs between playing with her kids, home-schooling, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and hanging out with her husband.

First, if you didn’t watch the press conference, you can read the transcript on Tiger’s Web page, or watch it via YouTube.

I’m not going to comment on whether I think Tiger was sincere or whether he just has good speech-writers. I don’t think there are many people who could accurately comment on that. I will say, however, his speech was a well-thought confession and acceptance of personal responsibility.

Following his opening statements, Tiger states, “I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.” This set the tone for the entire speech. Repeatedly he takes responsibility for his multiple affairs, calling his actions “selfish,” “foolish,” and “wrong.” He apologizes to just about every person or group of people he has offended: his wife, children, friends, staff,  business partners, fans, and the parents who used to point to him as role model for their kids. “The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior,” and Tiger adds, “I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.”

Yes, his speech was littered with therapeutic language, much of which I can only assume he received while in his “inpatient therapy” for 45 days. But it is so encouraging to see a celebrity make honest admissions before the world, accepting full responsibility for his actions. His candor was, in my opinion, remarkable.

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Feeling Entitled

One of Tiger’s statements caught my attention:

“I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.”

We hear this all the time from husbands who indulge in pornography, many of them Christians. It is not uncommon for a man to segregate some part of his life he considers to be completely and totally “his own”—an area of his life where he feels at liberty to live how he wants.

This was certainly true for me. Even when I was engaged in vocational ministry, often I would start to harbor an attitude of wanting “me time.” The thinking was, “I do so much work all the time, sacrificing myself for the sake of serving others. I have earned a little time to myself, a little time to relax.” Of course, by “time to myself” I meant, “time when I am my own master, when I can play by my own rules.” This attitude is fertile ground for further temptation. I found (in order to display long-term repentance from pornography) I needed to repent daily of this attitude of entitlement.

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Tiger’s Buddhist Comments

You might have expected me to comment on this. It’s too tempting not to address Tiger’s Buddhist remarks:

“I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. . . . I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught.”

These brief remarks are actually a very accurate representation of Buddhist dharma. At the core of Buddhist teaching is an explanation and answer for suffering in the world. All suffering is thought to stem from taṇhā, or what Tiger refers to as “craving.” It is a word that literally means “thirst.” In an unpredictable and changing world, when we crave something (a pleasurable experience, an object, or even crave a lack of something), our cravings will inevitably be frustrated. By following the path set out by Buddhism, the cravings can be quenched, and suffering will cease.

Whether this sort of “enlightenment” is possible (psychologically speaking) is not my concern, though enlightenment experiences are an interesting phenomenon to study. Rather, I’m interested in stark contrast between Buddhism and Christianity in this area. The two could not be more different.

Craving or desire is not the cause of suffering in a Christian worldview, but rather the twisted direction of our cravings. At the core of Christianity is a belief in a personal God, alive with vibrant desire. He is said to be “blessed” or happy (1 Timothy 1:11), joyful (Matthew 25:23), well pleased (2 Peter 1:17-18), and full of delight (Matthew 12:18). In fact, many of God’s attributes point back to God’s emotional life: His love, wrath, justice, patience, benevolence, etc. This God has created us in His image, as relational creatures who reflect His passions.

Thus, in Christian living, the “lusts of the flesh” are not overcome by quenching them through a process of enlightenment, but by keeping in step with the desires of the Holy Spirit and letting those passions win out (Galatians 5:16). Christian ethical conduct is experienced as a life of passion, a life of a delight in God, and enjoying His world His way.

So who was right? The Buddha or Christ? Ultimately, Christians stand with Christ not because they happen to like His ethics, but because they believe God has demonstrated that Jesus is His Son by raising Him from the dead.

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“I have a lot to atone for”

Though Tiger professes an interest in rededicating himself to the Buddhist path, he does slip in a little Judeo-Christian verbiage when he says, “I have a lot to atone for.” Now I’m sure he’s using this term in a generic sense: “I must make amends,” or “I have to do the work of reconciliation.” But in Christian theology “atonement” has a God-ward orientation. Because we are all defiant against God’s moral law, our greatest need in life is to make amends with Him. One day God will justly pronounce His verdict over our lives: we all deserve an eternity of separation from Him.

But thanks be to God: He has provided atonement. This is exactly what Jesus came to do. During His last evening with his disciples, He told them He was about to be betrayed into the hands of the Roman authorities and executed, but that His death would be “for our sins.” On the cross He would not only endure excruciating physical pain, not only endure the shame of reproach from His people, but He would also endure the painful silence of God—total abandonment from His Father. This was all a part of bearing the curse for our sin.

God doesn’t just automatically forgive sins by dismissing them as if they did not matter. If God ever looked at all the atrocities ever committed and simply overlooked them, this would not only make Him unjust, but unloving. No, God punishes all sin. But in His grace He sent Jesus as a substitute for those who would throw themselves on God’s mercy.

Jesus talks about this in one of his famous parables. He tells the story about two men who enter the temple to pray, one a religious leader and the other a tax collector. The religious leader’s prayer is typical self-righteous babble: “God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.” But the tax collector, aware of his utter unworthiness before God, stood back from the altar and wouldn’t even raise his face to heaven. He beat his chest and simply prayed, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” (Luke 18). In Jesus’ story it is the tax collector, not the religious leader, who goes home justified in God’s eyes.

In the original language, the phrase “be merciful to me” actually means, “placate your anger against me.” This term is a part of a family of terms throughout the Bible used to describe the atoning sacrifice of Jesus on the cross—which absorbs God’s wrath for sin (Hebrews 2:17; see also Romans 3:25; 1 John 2:2;  4:10)

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My Prayer for Tiger

I wish Tiger Woods the best in his pursuit of sexual wholeness, but more than this, I pray he will see his affairs as a sign of a sin-sick heart. I applaud his words of confession before a watching world, but I also pray he will understand the need to do the same before his Creator. I am pleased he sees a need for more than just correcting his behavior, that he wants to put his cravings and desires in check. But I pray more than this, that he will some day see God as the object of his greatest desire.

Tiger’s sins are certainly egregious, but so are all of ours. And just like in Jesus’ story, not everyone who whispers a prayer to God goes home forgiven. Only those like the tax collector, only those who come to the end of themselves under the weight their guilt before their Almighty Judge, those who trust in the atoning death of Christ, are pardoned.

Covenant Eyes equips people to find good accountability relationships in the fight against Internet temptation. Our accountability software is a unique tool that helps people to shatter the anonymity of Internet use and be open to others about the choices we make and the temptations we face online. However, Internet accountability reports are only as good as our friendships with the people who read them. We need accountability partners who are engaged with us in a life-changing way.

We are in the middle of a podcast series featuring Christian psychologist Dr. Larry Crabb. Last week Dr. Crabb spoke about the need we have for Biblical friendships and community that help us to become more like Christ. This week he will talk about the battle against sin that rages inside all of our hearts and how we are meant to “Think Beneath” the surface in our conversations with one another, getting to the root of sin and stiring up holy desire.

For more information about these principles check out Dr. Crabb’s book, Soul Talk: The Language God Longs for Us to Speak, or visit his website at NewWayMinistries.org.

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The Lord is relentlessly loving yet utterly uncompromising when it comes to behavior that undermines our relationship. Similarly, we must be willing to stand firmly against sin. However, as women especially have discovered, expressing anger or sorrow is not enough. No amount of arguing or tears will turn a sinner from his sin. It is a sad fact that when the Holy Spirit cracks the shell of a hardening heart, His tool of choice is usually the consequence of wrongdoing. Therefore, our response can be no different. For a tough-love confrontation to be truly effective, it must include no less than five essential steps. Moreover, each step must be thought out well in advance and then expressed with calm resolve at a single confrontation.

As we examine the inner workings of a tough-love conversation, bear in mind that our goal is two-fold. First, we want to encourage someone we love to escape the deadly trap of sin. Vengeance is not ours to give, so punishment is not our purpose. Second, we want to reconcile the broken relationship and eventually restore trust. While we cannot compel another person to join us in repairing the breech, we can invite him or her. And that begins by making repentance more attractive than continued sin.

Step 1: Name the sin.

First, tough love names the sin and holds the wayward partner solely responsible for his or her choices. No one should be surprised when this is met with resistance. Sinners always deny wrongdoing. And when that fails, they minimize the gravity of their behavior. And when that fails, they attempt to shift blame. It goes all the way back to the Garden, where Adam pointed the finger at his wife and she, in turn, charged the serpent.

The sinner will likely try to blame his or her partner’s shortcomings as the reason for the sin. Let’s acknowledge that no mere mortal can ever claim to be completely above reproach; nevertheless, the failures of one person—regardless of how serious or how chronic—can ever justify the sin of another. No one is compelled to pursue evil. The responsibility for wrongdoing belongs exclusively to the person choosing destructive behavior. While we must be willing to address our own shortcomings, this must never become a precondition to the sinning partner’s repentance. There will be time enough for addressing past wrongs after he or she has escaped the mind-warping influence of sin.

Denial, minimizing, and blame-shifting do not deserve a response. Instead, keep the focus on the real issue at hand: there is never an excuse for sin.

Step 2: Clarify the consequences of unrepentant sin.

Describe the negative, destructive impact caused by the sin, especially if the effects continue to the present. Describe how the sin has impacted the relationship. Then—and this is where courage frequently falters—set boundaries based on these responses. For example, in the case of pornography:

“David, I love you, but I have no desire to give my body to a man who willfully defiles his mind. In fact, I’m not comfortable sleeping in the same bed with you. Therefore, you should sleep in the guest room as long as you keep viewing porn. And if you refuse, then I will move in there.”

Or, in the case of alcoholism,

“Michael, your drinking is out of control. You frequently drink too much in public, embarrass me with your obnoxious behavior, and then expect me to take care of you as you vomit through the night. From now on, I refuse to help you in any way when you’re drunk, nor will I remain in your presence. Furthermore, I want to support your career, but your public intoxication embarrasses me. Therefore, you will have to attend company functions without me. I won’t be going until you get help for your drinking problem.”

While this might feel unkind or even manipulative, it is neither—as long as the boundaries reflect the upright spouse’s authentic feelings. And this is crucial. Our loving response to sin must come from a place of authenticity and strength, which begins with a clear understanding of who we are and what behavior we find acceptable.

Setting boundaries is nothing more than refusing to engage in any behavior that betrays one’s conscience or forces him or her to behave one way on the outside while thinking or feeling the opposite within. This is not about getting even; it’s a matter of integrity. Furthermore, the goal of tough love is to allow the wayward spouse to suffer the consequences of sin instead of bearing them on their behalf.

Step 3: Call for repentance.

Encourage the wayward spouse to repent—for his or her own good as much as anyone’s. However, beware of the temptation to beg if he or she fails to repent immediately. Dignity is far more compelling. Begging says, “Please turn from your sin; I can’t live without you!” Dignity, on the other hand, declares, “When you have rejected your sin, I will be there to love and support you.” This is crucial when communicating with a partner whose perception of right and wrong, good and bad, has been turned upside down by sin.

Step 4: Offer a plan for reconciliation and, ultimately, complete restoration.

Work with a counselor or a wise Christian friend to form a specific plan for reconciliation and the rebuilding of trust. (My friend and colleague, Dr. Bryce Klabunde, has written an outstanding article explaining how to recognize genuine repentance, titled “I’ll Change, I Promise” Six Signs of Genuine Repentance.” Good intentions are not enough—for either person. The wayward partner likely feels powerless to stop his or her behavior while the wounded spouse has every reason to expect a repeat offense. Neither the sinner’s self-control nor the victim’s trust will be restored overnight. It’s a gradual process and it must be intentional.

In the case of alcoholism, a restoration process must include three essential elements: individual treatment (rehab, individual counseling, or whatever is deemed appropriate by a qualified professional), ongoing accountability (such as AA or Celebrate Recovery), and eventually couple’s counseling. Meanwhile, the spouse of the alcoholic must seek his or her own counseling. For every dysfunctional person in a marriage, there is a person who picked him or her as a partner. He or she needs to understand why. (There’s a whole article by itself.)

Step #4 is perhaps the most crucial element of a loving confrontation of sin. It is what turns vengeful condemnation into hopeful redemption. Offering a specific plan for reconciling the breach and for restoring a broken relationship is quintessentially God-like. That is what He does for us.

Step #5: Follow through with dependable action.

Tough love says what it means and means what it says. Tough love consistently follows through with dependable action, which is absolutely essential to success. Tough talk without tough action only compounds the problem. Furthermore, any discrepancy between words and deeds undermines dignity, which a sinning partner must see in order to offer respect. The wayward spouse must become convinced that the negative consequences for continued sin are real. He or she must also know that repentance will be met with complete support. In the case of alcoholism, this includes taking an active role in the addict’s recovery as directed by his or her sponsor or case manager. Eventually, this will also require the upright partner’s availability for intimacy as the sinner works to regain trust.

Put simply, the upright partner must follow through on promises.

The key word is response, not reaction or retaliation. We aren’t declaring war; we’re establishing boundaries. We aren’t trying to dominate; we’re trying to redeem. Ultimately, the purpose for tough-love confrontation is not to coerce or control the sinning partner; it is merely to clarify three important facts. First, the wayward spouse needs to know that he or she has the power to decide the future of the marriage. Second, the upright spouse needs to communicate that he or she wants the marriage to be restored. Third, a refusal to turn away from the sinful behavior will lead to greater unhappiness for both, while repentance will lead to complete restoration.

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For a more extensive treatment of this tough-love approach to unrepentant sin—especially when the level of dysfunction places others in danger—see my book, Redemptive Divorce.

- Mark W. Gaither

Sex scandals and car accidents have much in common—injured parties, public spectacle, and charges hurled every which way amidst an abrupt, life changing tragedy. They both attract and repel us as we drive by, shaking our disapproving heads even as we crane our necks to see more. It’s been, in fact, a bit of a national pastime, this business of surveying the wreckage, whether it’s the aftermath of the 1987 PTL scandal or our former President’s ill advised encounters with an intern.

Small wonder, then, that former Governor Spitzer’s use of prostitutes, Tiger Woods‘ philandering, John Edwards‘ affair, and Ted Haggard’s liaisons with a male prostitute continue to fascinate the American public, often relegating much weightier world events to Page 2.

But in recent years a wrinkle was added to the fuss when a prominent talk show host and advice-giver appearing on the Today Show had this to say about wives whose husband’s have committed adultery:

“When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. The cheating was his decision to repair what’s damaged, and to feed himself where he’s starving.”

Whew! The Mrs. didn’t try hard enough, so the malnourished man simply had to locate another partner who’d provide a bit of supplemental hero worship. The predictable outrage from talking heads and the general public following these comments indicate that many of us simply aren’t buying the notion that, if the husband strays, the wife’s the villain.

But truth be told, the myth of an adulterer’s wife being somehow responsible for her husband’s sin is painfully common. I’ve seen it repeatedly as couples, shattered by indiscretion, have come to my office asking who’s to bless or blame. Often, to the Church’s shame, wives have been told by Christian family members, friends, and, yes, pastors, that their shortcomings as women contributed to, if not caused, their husband’s downfall.

The question thus shifts in a woman’s  mind from “Why did he do wrong?” to “What did I do wrong?” A couple of sadly misguided conclusions the wife comes to look something like this:

“I must not be attractive enough for him.”

“If I were less like this or more like that, would he still have cheated on me?” This is a question often coming from the wife who caught her husband looking at porn—a wife who’s seen first hand the type of women he privately ogles. Or perhaps she compares herself to the call girl, stripper or masseuse her husband dallies with—the surgically enhanced body in the exotic outfits—and cries “uncle,” assuming she can’t hope to compete.

Yet one remembers the ghastly murder of actress Sharon Tate, the stunningly beautiful wife of director Roman Polanski, at the hands of the Charles Manson cult. After her death Polanski publicly admitted to frequent adulteries with numerous partners, all the while asserting his love for Sharon and praising both her beauty and tenderness as a wife. Clearly, one couldn’t impugn the looks of Miss Tate (one of the most exquisite figures Hollywood ever featured) because of Polanski’s behavior. Nor should anyone, especially a betrayed spouse, assume a wife’s appearance can either prevent or contribute to an adulterous act. Adultery, in short, is more a statement of what a man is rather than what his wife isn’t.

“I wasn’t attentive enough to him, so he cheated.”

Let’s not too hastily dismiss the first half of the statement. In fact, let me get this off my chest before going any further: Some wives are indeed getting away with murder.

Not all. Most, I believe, are loving, strong partners in grace with their men. But I’ve seen more than a few Christian ladies grow comfortable screaming at their husbands, undermining them to their children, humiliating them in public, complaining regularly about their real or perceived shortcomings, and, in general, treating them like dirt. Their husbands, in turn, are expected to obey Paul’s admonishment to “Love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” But just try quoting the other half of that command—“Wives, submit to your husbands” —and watch the outrage at such an archaic, sexist notion.

That said, let’s not unduly muddy the waters. The wife who is inattentive, indifferent or downright abusive is responsible for her sins, not his. No woman, no matter how odious, makes her man commit adultery, so if a wife sins, let her account. But let her account for her sins alone.

That’s a fairly big if, though, considering the many women who’ve shown more than reasonable affection and concern for their spouses who cheated nonetheless. King David, for example, had countless wives and concubines at his disposal when he committed his notorious adultery with Bathsheba. Does anyone really believe a harem of palace wives and concubines didn’t know how to show the King all due attention? And what constitutes “enough attention” anyway? None of us, in moments of brutal honesty, will deny we at times wish for more love, notice, or affection from our spouses. But will any of us then have the chutzpah to conclude we’re entitled to sin because we feel sinned against?

The wreckage of the Wood’s, Haggard’s, and Edward’s crises is still being cleared, and time will tell how effectively they repair the damage. But should the guilty husband involved decide to apply himself to restoring trust with his bruised wife, then his work is surely cut out for him.

• He’ll need to acknowledge the nature of his betrayal, making no excuses, no rationalizations.
• He’ll need to express due remorse, showing The Mrs. he not only recognizes his failure, but privately feels ongoing pain over it as well.
• He’ll need to then give her room to express her own pain, allowing him an education in the emotional holocaust a woman experiences when her man violates her in such an intimate yet cruelly public way.
• And he’ll surely need to establish some structure of accountability and treatment by which he can assure her this behavior will never be repeated.

Meanwhile, let’s suspend public speculations about what role (if any) this injured woman had in the agony she’s enduring. Let the sinner repent and the system exercise fairness in its judgment. Let the Church be a healing agent, and let the prayers of believers everywhere continue for all involved, thus refraining from adding insult, much less injustice, to such a devastating and needless injury.

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This article is by Joe Dallas, Program Director of Genesis Counseling. Joe is also the author of several books, including, The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity. He is a pastoral counselor and a popular conference speaker. For over three years Joe taught and conducted the nationally recognized Every Man’s Battle conference as the originating Program Director, and from 1991 to 1993, he served as the President of Exodus International. Joe and his wife Renee reside in Orange County, California, with their two sons.

© 2008 by Joe Dallas. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be duplicated in any form without express written consent from the author. www.joedallas.com

We see that trend now with 3-D video technology. Early last month one company displayed their complete, in-house 3-D system at the Adult Video News expo in Las Vegas. Their booth had an overwhelming reception from attendees. This $4000 home theater will allow people to watch 3-D porn streamed from the company’s website.

The porn industry is enthusiastic about this new potential direction. There will be added costs to producing 3-D porn flicks, and not many TVs have 3-D capabilities yet, which means it will likely be a slow trend in adult entertainment. But it will still very likely catch on.

These trends demonstrate, as with many types of entertainment, a demand for more realism. Porn consumers want to be enveloped by a fantasy world. Our brains crave novel experiences, and as long as there is a dollar to be made, the porn industry will be there to scratch the itch.