Pornography is not just a male sin. More and more women today are also being drawn into cyber-lust.

• 34% of today’s young adult women saw porn before the age of 13.
• 31% of young women today say they use pornography.
• 18% of young women say they spend some time online every week for sexual purposes.

Join us to to hear the stories of Christian women who have dealt with this in their own lives. Join us as we hear from biblical counselors, exploring what the Scriptures have to say to women who are sexually broken.

Notice the assumptions behind this question:

1. Your child will most likely see pornography. There are some kids who escape their teenage years unscathed, but not many. According to the most recent Youth Internet Safety Survey, despite advances in technology, unwanted exposures to pornography still happen today (15% of 10-12-year-olds, 23% of 13-15-year-olds, and 28% of 16-17-year-olds). And when kids enter the teen years the dynamics change as many start to intentionally seek out porn online. The majority (87%) of intentional seekers are 14 or older. In all, 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to online pornography during adolescence (according to a study published in CyberPscyhology and Behavior).
2. Your child is sexually curious. As children get older, they will develop natural sexual curiosities and desires. This makes some parents very uncomfortable. How can parents not quench but steer their teen’s sexual curiosity in a healthy direction before porn captivates their minds and hearts?
3. The emphasis is not just protection but preparation. We can guard the eyes of our kids by limiting their media diet and having good filters on our computers. But the real parenting task is preparing them for a world without filters and fences. Have you equipped your child with an awareness of the temptations they will encounter and the tools to battle those temptations?

How can we parent our children well in this age?

Below are a list of articles to get you started:

• 5 Internet Monitoring Approaches for Parents, by Luke Gilkerson
• Sexual Purity is Not the Goal, by Pastor Reagan North
• How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex, by Mark and Grace Driscoll
• Tips for talking to your kids about porn: Important issues for important stages, by David Wever, MFT
• When Children View Pornography, by Rob Jackson of Focus on the Family

You might also enjoy these resources:

• Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, by Paul David Tripp
• Passport to Purity, DVD series by Campus Crusade for Christ

Learn more about Internet dangers:

Get more statistics on Internet dangers in the free e-book, Parenting the Internet Generation. This book is  a must have for parents who want to learn the facts about Internet pornography, sexting, cyberbullying, online predators, and other dangers.

Three years ago I had the privilege of interviewing Chris and Cindy. During the interview she talks about a struggle she had knowing Chris’ pornography addiction.

Am I Not Enough For You?

Cindy said:

I did take it personally because it had to do with us as a couple, and me feeling like, “Okay, well clearly I’m not good enough for him sexually because he’s looking at pornography.” Didn’t matter how hard I tried to stay skinny or if I got my hair highlighted enough to be blond. I would always ask him, “How do you like my hair? Do you want it long and straight? Do you want it short? How do you want it?” And so I did everything on my body to make sure that he was satisfied. I tried to look like I did when we met, which is really difficult to do when you’re getting older and having babies. But I tried. And he still looked at [porn].

And so, it finally dawned on me—I think it really happened after his confession—I realized it’s not about me. And as I talk to more women and men who’ve gone through similar struggles, I would find men who would have these full-blown addictions—who were working through it and maybe even recovering—who had the most drop-dead gorgeous wives. And you know, you hear people say, “Well, if she was taking care of him in the bedroom, then he wouldn’t be out there looking.” That is the biggest crock I’ve ever heard, because I was available to my husband. And I’ve talked to more women who say they were available to their husband. And they still do it. So, something I learned was, it really wasn’t about me. It really wasn’t. If I was skinny or if I had put on weight, he was still struggling. So I learned that, and that really helped me to see him as a person with an addiction or with a sin-struggle.

Listen to our podcast interview with Chris and Cindy: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5

Get More of Cindy’s Story…

• Watch their interview on CBN.com.
• Read Cindy’s chapter in our free e-book, Hope After Porn, where her story joins the stories of three other women who have gone through the heartbreak of discovering their husband’s pornography problem.

Today we are playing part 2 of our interview with Darren and April Mabrey. Four years into their marriage, April found pornography on Darren’s computer. At the time Darren was attending seminary in training to be a minister. The cycle of sin and discovery continued for many years until one day April left and filed for divorce.

Today Darren and April share the story of how they eventually came back together. Darren shares how the gospel of Christ powerfully changed his outlook on life and how he learned it wasn’t just a message that saved him from the guilt of his sin, but from the shame of it as well. April also shares how God softened her heart to come back home to Darren.

For more information about Darren’s ministry, visit DarrenMabrey.com.

Music for today’s podcast is “There is a Curse” by The Difficulty

Listen to more Covenant Eyes Radio on iTunes.

. . . .

Read April’s story in the new Covenant Eyes e-book, Hope After Porn. April’s story joins the stories of three other women who have dealt with the pain of pornography in their marriage. Each woman shares the hurt of watching her husbands sink further and further into sin, the critical moments of decision, and catalysts that set her marriage on the right track again.

Pornography is not just a male sin. More and more women today are also being drawn into cyber-lust.

• 34% of today’s young adult women saw porn before the age of 13.
• 31% of young women today say they use pornography.
• 18% of young women say they spend some time online every week for sexual purposes.

Join us to to hear the stories of Christian women who have dealt with this in their own lives. Join us as we hear from biblical counselors, exploring what the Scriptures have to say to women who are sexually broken.

Sign up to join this webinar. Space is limited.

• A tour of the authors’ “real marriage”
• Truth from God’s Word
• Frank discussions about sex
• The importance of friendship in marriage
• A picture of what a strong, Christ-centered marriage looks like: life together

Download our podcast about this book

The Authors

Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace, of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA, authored this book together. We are glad that Grace served as a co-author, rather than just offering a “Wives Chapter.” Her perspective throughout the book is very helpful.  The book should appeal to both husband and wife.

Research

The authors mention that they reviewed over 130 books on marriage in their research for this book. It shows. While the book is firmly grounded in Scripture, there are also accounts from church historians, respected counselors and others that really add depth to Real Marriage. In addition, the Driscoll’s share from their own personal experiences of 25 years of marriage, as well as from their notes from marriage conferences they have led, and Mark’s numerous sermons on the topic of marriage, dating, sex, and forgiveness .

As a reader, it feels like you are drinking from a fire hydrant of wise counsel.

What does a mature marriage look like?

Real Marriage reminds readers of the basic ingredients of a successful marriage: friendship, repentance, and forgiveness. But it also shows couples how to go deeper in their marriage. It’s an opportunity to sit down with a mentor couple that has agreed to be open and honest about areas of dysfunction in their marriage and hear how they became healthy and what they wish they would have done differently from the beginning.

Consider this quote the authors pull from William Henry Lazereth’s book on Luther: “It takes between nine and fourteen years for a couple to become not entirely unselfish, but rather less selfish, and begin to shift from ‘me’ to ‘we’” (p.159).

This book  also assumes we all need a marriage tune-up, which is why they share the following:

• Wrong models of male leadership in the marriage
• What respecting your husband really looks like
• The importance of dealing with the hurts of the past
• Why porn brings so much damage to a marriage
• How selfish lovers can become servant lovers

Best Chapter in the Book (Jeff’s Perspective)

Chapter 6, “Sex: God, Gross, or Gift,” is a brilliant chapter. The authors want us to understand that God has given sex as a major gift to married couples. They emphasize the gift of sex by talking about two unhealthy views of sex.

• God: Sex is our god and it consumes us. It is the only thing that matters. Our culture believes this and pushes this view.
• Gross: For others, sex has negative messages attached to it. It is only for procreation and not for pleasure. Surprisingly, many of the early church fathers believed this. The authors give many examples of the unhealthy beliefs of church fathers and historians such as Tertullian, Origen, Augustine, and Thomas Aquinas.

The authors do a good job of presenting key Scriptures on sex and how the sexual relationship between a married couple helps us know God better and glorify Him with our marriage.

Best Chapter in the Book (Marsha’s Perspective)

Chapter 5, “Taking Out the Trash,” was full of insight regarding conflict, repentance, and forgiveness. Mark rightly says, “every married couple has to continually practice repentance of sin if they hope to have any loving, lasting life together.” He goes on to discuss bitterness, why it is so damaging and its ripple effects. That is followed by six tips for having a good fight.

A Smokin’ Hot Q&A

Chapter 10 in Real Marriage is called “Can We?” The authors share their thoughts on what sexual activities they feel are permissible (or not) for married couples. This is the chapter many guys will skip to and read first (I did).  I (Jeff) have not read a chapter like it in a Christian book.

Subjects addressed in this chapter: masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, menstrual sex, role playing, sex toys, birth control, cosmetic surgery, cybersex, sexual medication, and marital sexual assault. Wow!

The authors do a great job of running these sexual acts through the following filters:

1. Is it Lawful? – Does it violate the laws of government or God’s law?
2. Is it Helpful? – Does it pull us apart as a couple or tear us apart?
3. Is it Enslaving? – Can it become obsessive, out of control, or addictive?

Who should read this book?

• Married couples / engaged couples – Absolutely.
• Pastors – Absolutely.  There’s a lot that will help your teaching and counseling.
• Marriage Retreat – Oh Yeah!
• Discipleship Class – Perfect. There is a DVD curriculum available. 
• Singles – You will get a lot out of the book, but the book’s target audience is married couples.
• Support Groups – Not really. There are better books to work through.
• Under 18-yrs-old – Not really. Parents should read it and talk to their kids about it.

Last Thoughts From Jeff and Marsha

We have already recommended Real Marriage to a number of our friends, as we have found it to be insightful, challenging and a great tool for building our own marriage towards Christ-likeness. Not only is it full of good theology, but it offers practical tips on how husbands and wives can be better communicators and navigate difficult challenges as a couple. We also appreciate the openness in which the Driscoll’s shared their personal struggles, as it reminds us that the illusion of the perfect marriage is just that, an illusion. We are all a redemption story in process, under construction until Jesus returns.

Links

• Real Marriage – the participant’s guide
• Real Marriage – the DVD curriculum

. . . .

Jeff and Marsha Fisher run PornToPurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement and resources to individuals and couples struggling with sexual sin. Their world came to an abrupt halt ten years into their marriage when Jeff’s pornography addiction was exposed and he lost his ministry position. God is using recovery to bring honesty, healing, and breathe new life into their marriage. Jeff and Marsha also share their story and resources on the “Porn to Purity Podcast.”

On September 13, 2005, I walked into my first group for men struggling with sexual addiction. Four days earlier I had resigned my position as a Senior Pastor, and confessed to my wife and our children (ages 16, 18, 22, and 24) that I had an addiction to pornography and had been unfaithful to my wife. I had lost my job, ruined my career, and deeply wounded my family.

What I didn’t know was if I would be able to recover. Can someone who has struggled with porn for over 30 years and been addicted to it for at least 8 years ever break free? Was healing possible? Where does that journey begin and how does one start?

I walked into the church that evening a broken man of 52 years, filled with shame and depression. It was hot and I wore an old pair of tattered shorts, a t-shirt and a pair of sandals. I was a fallen pastor in disguise.

That night I met Gus. It was his first night as well. He was older but just as broken as I was. He was a senior partner at a large engineering firm nearing the end of a successful career. That relationship has continued to this day. We became accountability partners, part of the same recovery small group, and have walked together for more than six and a half years.

Today, Gus and I are walking in freedom from sexual sin. We know a lot of men who have tried and not succeeded. They still fall on a regular basis. They go to the same group, hear the same teachings, receive the same prayer and support…but they keep falling week after week.

Early in our recovery God gave me an image of what I would need to recover. It was not the pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, Marlboro-macho self-made man. It was me standing in between two other men. Gus was on my right and Craig was on my left. I needed two men who would stand with me. Sometimes they would hold me up and other times I would hold them up.

As I have grown in my recovery I realize that this image of men standing shoulder to shoulder with locked arms is both effective and biblical. Nowhere are we taught that we are meant to stand alone. It has been isolation that makes us vulnerable to attack from our flesh, our world and the demonic. Alone we are easily fooled and lied to and quickly lose our ability to recognize truth.

Solomon wrote;

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

In Hebrews we read;

“See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Hebrews 3:12-13

Your recovery will be strengthened if you become accountable to two other men. In our ministry we like to use the 90-in-90 concept from AA. AA has new people try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Our version is to connect with your two accountability partners everyday for 90 days. From Hebrews we learn that we need to be encouraged daily. So daily calls for encouragement are essential.

Lastly, if looking at porn online is a stumbling block for you, one of the best ways to be accountable is to have your accountability partners receive a report from Covenant Eyes of your web browsing history. This is locking arms. Your partners will know when you are struggling even if you fail to make the call.

So here are three essentials to help you get started in recovery.

• Stop Isolating – connect with two other men.
• Get Accountable – use software to show others where you have been.
• Be Encouraged Daily – use your phone to stay connected daily.

The journey of recovery is long and one day at a time. It helps a lot to walk it out with a brother on each side.

. . . .

John Doyel was a pastor for 26 years before resigning his position of Senior Pastor due to his sexual addiction. For the past 6+ years he has been living one day at a time, experiencing the grace and healing of God in his life, his marriage, and in his family. He began a ministry at Vineyard Columbus in 2009 called 180: Helping Men Return to God. He has written three devotionals for men to help in their recovery: 40 Days of Purity, 31 Ways Your Father says “I Love You” and Unconditionally Surrendered to the Spirit.

. . . .

Mom punishes her daughter by changing her Facebook cover photo

When 13-year-old Ava Abbott was rude and disrespectful to her mother, Denise, in front of her friends, Denise thought it was time to teach her daughter a lesson. She logged on to her daughter’s Facebook account and changed the cover photo to show a picture of Ava with a red and white “X” across her mouth and a banner that read, “”I do not know how to keep my [mouth shut]. I am no longer allowed on Facebook or my phone. Please ask why, my mom says I have to answer everyone that asks.”

When Today.com took a poll, Denise Abbot got a 77% approval rating for her actions.

Denise said, “I have received a lot of criticism. But still I don’t think I would have changed what I did at all. I think she definitely learned a lesson from it.”

Remarkably, Ava agrees. “It was my mom’s way of grounding me, and it’s like any other grounding…I don’t see why it’s this big of a deal.”

Denise’s intention was to punish her daughter in a way that would teach her daughter empathy. Denise surmises, now she knows how it feels to be embarrassed in front of other people.

Questions for discussion:

1. Did the punishment fit the crime? Was this a good way for Mrs. Abbott to make her point to Ava?

2. Should teens expect complete control of their online profile without parental oversight or interference?

Man Uses Anonymous Chat Site to Sexploit Potentially Hundreds of Young Boys

It could be the largest U.S. case of online sexual extortion of children. On April 13, Richard Leon Finkbiner, 39, was arrested and charged with coercing a minor to produce child pornography. He has since been accused of coercing 100 or more boys into recording and sending him sexually explicit images online.

Finkbiner used Omegle.com to meet his victims. Omegle allows visitors to engage in anonymous one-on-one video chats with strangers. Finkbiner allegedly used the website to contact two 14-year-old boys, one from Michigan, another from Maryland. He secretly recorded the boys performing sexual acts during their video chats. Then he threatened to post the videos on pornography sites unless they made more videos for his private use.

(Learn more about Omegle and other video chat sites: “Broadcasting Live from Your Teen’s Bedroom.”)

Questions for discussion:

1. Have you ever used anonymous video chat sites? Which ones?

2. Even if you never agree to do crude things in front of a web cam, what other dangers can you think of that might come to someone who uses anonymous chat sites?

Today we are playing the first part of our interview with Darren and April Mabrey.

Four years into their marriage, April found pornography on Darren’s computer. At the time Darren was attending seminary in training to be a minister. April shares for us the pain of that first discovery and the cycle of sin and discovery that continued for years, eventually leading to April leaving Darren.

Darren also shares his thoughts on what kept him so trapped in pornography and what will bring guys who are trapped in this sin to the breaking point.

For more information visit DarrenMabrey.com.

Music for today’s podcast is “There is a Curse” by The Difficulty

Listen to more Covenant Eyes Radio on iTunes.

. . . .

Read April’s story in the new Covenant Eyes e-book, Hope After Porn. April’s story joins the stories of three other women who have dealt with the pain of pornography in their marriage. Each woman shares the hurt of watching her husbands sink further and further into sin, the critical moments of decision, and catalysts that set her marriage on the right track again.

1. Few young people would ask a bully to stop being mean online.

Only 17% of young people would be “very likely” to ask someone to stop being mean to someone else on a social network if they saw it happen.

2. Young people are bullied online through the spreading of rumors.

• 26% have had something written about them on an Internet page that wasn’t true. More than half of these knew the perpetrator well.
• 21% have had untrue rumors spread about them over e-mail, IM, or text messages. Nearly two-thirds of these young people knew the perpetrator well.

3. Young people are bullied online by the spread of embarrassing photos or videos.

• 16% have had embarrassing photos or videos of themselves posted online without their permission. Three-quarters of these knew the perpetrator well.
• 9% have been videotaped or photographed doing something embarrassing without their permission or knowledge, and then those embarrassing photos or videos shared with others.

4. Young people are bullied online through mean-spirited words or cruel jokes.

• 24% have had something written about them on the Internet that was very mean.
• 11% have been contacted via social network, text, or IM by someone who said they were interested in dating them, only later to be told they were just pretending.

5. Young people are bullied online through physical threats.

12% have been threatened physical harm over IM, text, or a social network.

6. Young people are bullied online via blackmail.

9% have been told someone would post or send private things about them to other people if that person didn’t do what was demanded of them. Of these, 70% knew the perpetrator well.

7. Mean words, rumors, and impersonations are very upsetting forms of cyberbullying for most teens.

For those who have been the target of digital abuse, the majority become very upset when…

• Someone writes something about them on an Internet page that is really mean (53% were very or extremely upset)
• Someone used the Internet or text messages to spread rumors about them that weren’t true (56% were very or extremely upset)
• Someone impersonates them by creating a fake Facebook/MySpace profile for them (66% were very or extremely upset)

Bullying is no laughing matter.

Cyberbullying is just one of several online dangers.

“While bullying through physical intimidation has long been a problem among teenagers, cyberbullying by using computers and smart phones to send rumors or post cruel messages has become more prevalent in recent years,” explains Dr. Jennifer Caudle. “Even though there might not be physical injuries, cyberbullying leaves deep emotional scars on the victim.”

Warning signs of being cyberbullied can include:

• appearing sad, moody, or anxious
• avoiding school
• withdrawing from social activities
• experiencing a drop in grades
• appearing upset after using the computer
• appearing upset after viewing a text message

In extreme cases, physical bullying and online bullying can drive a child or teen to deep depression and even suicide (sometimes called “bullycide”). Since 1983, over 150 children have taken their own lives due, in part, to the extreme pressure of being bullied.

When it comes to suicides related to cyberbullying, some names have made national headlines in recent years. Ryan Halligan (2003) may be the earliest known case of suicide provoked by Internet taunts, but unfortunately many others have followed: Jeffrey Johnston (2005), Kristina Calco (2006), Rachael Neblett (2006),  Megan Meier (2006), Jesse Logan (2008), Alexa Berman (2008), Michael Joseph Berry (2008), Iain Steele (2009), Hope Wittsell (2009), Tyler Clementi (2010), Ashley Rogers (2010), Alexis Skye Pilkington (2010), Phoebe Prince (2010), and Amanda Cummings (2011).

If you are concerned about your child being a bully online or if your child has been bullied, there are steps you can take as a parent.

Learn more Internet danger stats in our guide, Parenting the Internet Generation: 7 Potential Threats and 7 Habits for Internet Safety. You will learn not only about cyberbullying, but other online dangers for kids and teens. You will also learn proactive steps you can take to protect your children and your home.