How does somebody who looks like an unwashed farmer become an aide to the Prime Minister of Malaysia? Click to find out what he did.

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

In a recent inteview by PatLaw (a most terrible person, I agree) you casually mentioned that I was not marriage material nor an object of desire for sexual coitus.

That’s alright.

I OSO DOWAN TO ROLL IN THE HAY OR MARRY YOU. LATER YOU BROG ABOUT IT.

Hmmpphhh!!!

sincerely,
C. Caleb (esq)

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

Normally, whenever my hair gets too long, it’s a sign that I’ve been in China for too long and I should fly back on the next available plane. But these days, I don’t go back so often. And to make matters worse, the next time I fly back, it will be just in time for the Lunar New Year and all the hair salons will be charging 2X.

So on Sunday, I went for my first evar haircut in China. Hair salons are very busy places in China. I kid you not. They are staffed with many good looking young boys with all kinds of ridiculous hair cuts. Their main source of revenue are women who come in for Gan Xi or Dry hairwash at the end of their busy day. So that means the hair salons are open until like really really late (4am).

Obviously, I did not want my head to be handled by some gay young buck so I went around looking for a hair salon with upmarket hair products (Keratase, Schwarzkopf etc) and not too many customers. Having found one, I went in and told them I wanted a wash and a trim. They promptly asked me to lie down on a bed with a basin at the head.

So far so good, it’s pretty much like home. But to my dismay, instead of assigning a lady to wash my hair, they assigned some gaylord out of Meteor Garden instead. And the damned gaylord proceeded to wash my hair for 45 mins!!!

Then they sat me at a chair in front of a full length mirror. I had never noticed the elegant bulge of my genitals gently pressing against my jeans before. No wonder I’ve always been blessed with the opposite sex. Hahaha.

So they asked me if I would like the RMB100 or RMB150 cut. I ask them to elaborate what the difference is and they told me that I get my hair cut for a longer duration of time for RMB150.

WTF?

So the price has nothing to do with the skill of the hair stylist? No. Only the duration of time he is going to spend styling your hair.

Anyway, I went for the RMB150 just in case, and 30 mins later I realized to my horror that he had cut my hair the exact same style as his own. And he didnt even bother to ask me what kind of cut I wanted, the cheeky bastard!

Fuck my life!!!

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

Dear Apple,

Thank you for creating the iPad. Personally I plan to purchase at least 3 iPads. One will serve as a office organizer and photo display. The second will be for lugging around so I can surf the intarwebs in cafes. And the third will be solely for watching pron videos.

That’s right. Pron.

Apple just perfected the mechanism by which men will slowly evolve one of their hands into a claw-like appendage over a period of time.

Of course other folk have different ideas.

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

Local blogger Sassyjan has informed me over email that loansharks are terrorizing her family over some imaginary loan that her recently deceased dad took out. She has approached the police who have thus far been anything but useful.

Sounds incredible? What’s even more incredible is that the police seem to be unable/unwilling to help her.

What’s going on?

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

Despite the fact that I cannot read Mandarin, I knew malice was in the air. After all, the note did end with an exclamation mark!

Nobody writes a note that ends with an exclamation mark unless it’s a demand for money or cocksucking.

I tore through the house, looking for valuable items that may have gone missing during my absence, only to realize 5 minutes later that the only thing that I treasured in my apartment was my collection of pron starring the lovely Japanese cocktease Tsubomi and it was still standing firmly on my television shelves.

What I did next was to bring the note to my neighbour’s house – a lovely little old Korean housewife who could read Mandarin and asked her to translate for me.

Dear Sir

I’ve used up the last of the washing detergent for today’s laundry. Please buy more detergent ASAP.

Thank you!

In my defense, I have totally lost track of when the maid comes in because I am really a Very Busy Person.

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

Last night was perhaps one of the most confusingly horrific nights during my tour of duty in China. I had been invited for the wedding dinner of a female colleague and went along to see what a China wedding was like.

Something I discovered included that the China Chinese are even worse than the Singaporean Chinese at turning up on time for wedding dinners. The dinner was supposed to start at 6.30pm but by the time everybody had arrived, it was already 7.45pm.

And another funny thing was that instead of guests seeking out the bride and groom to drink, the couple went from table to table and challenged everybody to drink instead.

It wasn’t long before the groom and the bride were both looking rather shit-faced after multiple rounds of red wine and brandy.

Anyway when it was time to leave, the happy couple both stood outside the restaurant door to thank each guest as they left.

When it was my turn to shake their hands, the bride suddenly grabbed and hugged me very tightly and started sobbing while apologizing repeatedly for all sorts of imagined transgressions. To make matters worse, she had very ample bosoms, being from the Northern part of China and they were most definitely straining against my chest

Everybody was watching us, especially the groom.

I was feeling extremely akward because the China Chinese are not touchy feely people. I don’t think I’ve ever been hugged by anybody in public, even in a platonic setting.

After about 5 minutes (which felt like an hour), she finally released me and dried her tears.

I really wonder what was going through her head. She must have been really sloshed to have done that in public.

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

Strangely, I barely have the urge to blog much these days. My mind is filled with strange and wondrous creatures that I suspect are not of my making. The tendency is for me to shy away from the intarwebs after work because I now try to do other stuff.

Typically, breakfast is now egg whites on wholewheat toast – oh yeah, I bought a toaster. For some reason, lightly buttered toast tastes better than 18 year old pussy in winter.

I have been exercising regularly on my benchpress with my barbells and various dumbbells. I pump like crazy at night before I go to bed and then rest for one day inbetween each session. On weekends, I try to get some cardio by hiking up hills. It’s hard to get cardio during winter, so I went and bought some Nike tracksuits (Stormfit something) that keep you warm despite the weather.

I don’t sleep much anymore. Perhaps it’s stress but I tend to doze for short periods in the night and have periods where I’m neither dead nor alive. What this does is make me extremely vulnerable to dozing off during the day especially when I’m in a boring meeting or phone call. I have been known to doze off halfway into a bowl of soup during lunch much to the amusements of my lunch buddies.

There is now an Xbox360 console in my living room which I decided to use after failing to muster myself to donate it to charity. Every other night, I’m fighting for survival in the post-apocalyptic world of Fallout 3. I am not interested in games that require other people to play with me. I just want to kill zombies and mutants all by myself.

Boring update over.

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

Exclusive: Meet America’s First Legal Male Prostitute
“Markus” (his working name) was fresh off the Greyhound bus yesterday when he granted Details an exclusive first interview in a cottage at the Shady Lady Ranch brothel, two-and-a-half-hours northwest of Las Vegas. His story is about to become a national sensation. Read on to find out why.

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -

Whoever came up with this ad, knows their Alpha Males.

Cowboy Caleb - http://cowboycaleb.liquidblade.com -