CPFOG the blog

Random Thoughts About Random Things or My Lazy Ass Blog Post

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:28:00 +0000

It's been a weird week and I really can't think of anything substantial to write about, (oh look, he thinks his blog is substantial! Isn't he cute?) so I decided to fall back on an old bloggers trick and just write random things that come to mind. I know, it's the cheap way out, but no one ever accused me of being above cheapness.
Here we go.

- I really hate the new opening of the show Suburgatory. Also I hate that they fired Alan Tudyk.
- Yeah, I watch Suburgatory, what's it to ya?
- I don't really know if I've ever had pigs in a blanket. I mean I'm sure I have but no one has ever handed me something and said "try these pigs in a blanket, they are lovely." And I need that.

- I really regret last weeks post because fuck winter!

- I hope Matthew Perry comes back to TV soon. I really liked his last two shows and thought they should have lasted longer.

- Cheese is good.

- So are cookies.

- Why has no one made a cheese cookie?

- Why does the Super Bowl need to be a bowl every year? Why can't it be a Super Cup or a Super Plate one in awhile. It gives someone the chance of getting the entire Super Place Setting over the course of a career.

- Speaking of, how do they get the halftime show stage together and apart so quickly? Is it inflatable?

- Do women ever stand on a chair, grab the hem of their dress and do that "eek eek" dance when they see a mouse, or have cartoons lied to me?

- If we get twelve feet of snow over the course of a winter does that mean the thirteenth foot is free?

- and finally, I don't think Brooke from Dance Moms gets a decent break from Abby Lee Miller. She's just a good a dancer as the other girls and deserves the odd solo.

- Yeah I watch Dance Moms, don't judge me!

Until next time internet! ~drops mic~

It's Winter, Stop Complaining Already

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Mon, 27 Jan 2014 02:40:00 +0000

I have something to tell you that may surprise you.

You ready?

Really?

Ok, here we go.

It's winter, and winter is cold.

I mind blowing, I know.

The reason I tell you this is because everyone, and I mean everyone, is complaining that it is cold this winter. Unless you live in Australia, in which I am led to believe that you are complaining it's too hot. In which case you can rot in hell.

But I digress.

The surprising fact that it is cold in winter seems to stem from the fact that we, in Canada, forgot that we live in a land where winter happens. During the summer there is some sort of mass forgetfulness, kind of like one of those flashy memory wipe things from the Men in Black movies. I think it's called "The Sun."

During the time that this sun thingy is out and dominates the weather we just up and forget that we are in Canada. We seem to think we live in Florida or something so that when this winter thing happens we get all surprised and forget how to drive.

Listen, I get it. Uncomfortable sucks. High gas bills suck. Not being able to feel your finger tips suck. Also being a whiny child sucks but I don't see that stopping you!

You know who has the right to whine? Texas. That's right, the "bigger, badder, born to be bad" state is experiencing more snowfall then it knows what to do with. Ok granted by "more snowfall" I mean "millimeters" but considering it usually gets none I'm willing to cut them some slack.

Btw: for those readers who aren't in Canada please feel free to replace the word "Canada" with wherever you are as long as it got a butt load of snow!

Also the title of this weeks post is an exact quote from my doctors receptionist who would know from people whining about the cold.

App Attack and Other Non-Original Headlines

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Thu, 16 Jan 2014 02:57:00 +0000

I have an idea for an app. This, of course, assumes you know what an app is. But for the un-initiated an app is like a program but instead of being called a program they call it an app.

All caught up? Good.

So I have an idea for an app. It basically keeps track of all the apps you have on your phone, or tablet, or computer or whatever. It'll read your phone or ... Whatever and tell you what apps you have in one handy list. Maybe it'll tell you when you last used said apps but that's not important, the important part is the list. That way you can look at all the apps you have in one handy list and admire them and maybe show people and say "look at all the apps I have. Why I even have three in which I can order pizza!"

Now I know you are thinking to yourself that an app like this is worthless but I'm telling you it is nessissary and inevitable, because why else would we have so damn many apps on our device in the first place if it wasn't to show people how many apps we have.

Let's look at my phone. I have a game on my phone that I don't like playing, that I avoid playing at every opportunity, and yet I can't get rid of it because if I do I lose all the games I don't want to play. So when people see it on the list it shows how smart I am that I am playing said game.

Makes sense?

I also have an app for a coffee chain. I can't for the life of me tell you why I have it but it's a Canadian chain so when someone see's it on the list they will know I am patriotic!

There is a music search app, that shows I am into the music scene that the kids today are into. A movie search app, which people will see and know I am a lover of visual arts. A book reader program and an app for a national book chain, I am well read.

Also I have one that tells you the weather with pictures of kitties. Because I like kitties and I like knowing what the weather. It's two great tastes that taste great together!

Are you starting to see the beauty of the list? With just one glance people can see the person you pretend on your phone you are, and you can see who they pretend to be and you can both pretend to admire each other without all that pesky swiping with your finger.

I'll sell it for $1.99 because I'm a generous person. You are welcome world!

The TV Dilemma or How I learned To Stop Worrying and Hate Two and aHalf Men

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 22:42:00 +0000

I like TV.

No, that's not right. I love TV. I watch it all the time. It is my primary form of entertainment. In my world there is nothing better than watching Dance Moms psychologically scar their Dance Daughters. (Don't judge me.)

I always have someting to watch. Whether it's a judge show during the day or a sit-com at night or something we have waiting patiently on our PVR that records up to 4 shows at one time. (Currently we have 34 recordings on the PVR to watch whenever we are done watching live tv.)

So yeah, I love TV. I love watching TV more than going to the movies, which isnt saying much because I dont much care for going to the movies but I needed something to compare it too.

But as much as I love TV I have recently discovered a problem with TV. That being a lot of what is shown on TV, how should I put this? ... it sucks.

Let me explain. I love sit-coms. It is what I prefer to watch other than Dance Moms (Don't judge me). In days gone by I would watch Two and a Half Men over anything else and defend it to those Soprano loving ... guys ... whatever Itallian insult you can throw in here. Give me a sit-com over anything else was my motto. Well except for Dance Moms. (Don't judge me)

My wife, on the other hand, loved cop shows, well any show in which a crime is solved. It drives me crazy that she would rather watch bones then say ... well there is the problem. This season the sit-coms have declined in quality so much that I would rather not watch them. Actually this isn't a new thing. Two and a Half Men wasn't worth watching long before Charlie Sheen became a wizard and other top shows, like Mike and Molley and Two Broke Girls are just bland. Thank God we still have Big Bang Theory or it would be a bleak landscape indeed.

And let's just not talk about the new Arrested Development shows. I'm ashamed even to bring them up.

So what does one man do in a world where The Millers and Mom exists and Dance Moms is only on once a week. (Don't judge me!)

So I turned to Netflix. Currently trying out Orange is the New Black and ... meh. Really so many people rave about the show there was no way it could live up to the hype. I am enjoying House of Cards but thats not a comedy, is it? (No really, I can't tell.)

The end nresult is that it is a depressing world out there for a man who loves his comedies. Well at least I have Community back.

Oh God Dammit!

Don't judge me!

The Christmas Hangover

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 03:23:00 +0000

It happens every year without fail.

Christmas!

Every December 25th like some sort of virus and ... Oh wait no, like an ex girlfriend who won't leave you alone and ... No! Like an itch, yeah an itch that you can't scratch for a month then you finally scratch it on the same day every freaking year. Yeah, I like that better.

The thing is this itch ... Which is what I am really staying with really, really I mean it ... Returns every freaking year, so you have to go through the whole pain in the ass reaching over your left shoulder with your right hand and almost, but not quite reaching it so you rub against your bed but that does nothing and ... Well you know how this ends. You realize you have some sort of stick or something and it reaches the itch and it just so happens to be December 25th again!

Pain in the ass.

But the bigger pain in the ass is what happened after Christmas. No not New Years, although that is also a bit of a pain in the ass. No I'm talking about the Christmas hangover. That feeling you get that, after a month of trying to feel good about the world and trying to be nice to your fellow man (and woman and children and guy names Guido who dresses in some very nice gowns) and after a day of getting stuff and eating and drinking, you just feel like something is missing suddenly.

No more good feelings.

No more free stuff.

No more good food.

No more fancy drinks that for some reason always involve the flavor peppermint.

It's all over and you are stuck with 11 months of treating your fellow man (and woman and children and that lady at the Starbucks who has a really butch haircut for such a pretty face) like you normally treat them.

And a freaking ice storm. Let's not forget the ice storm.

I'm not telling you or anyone (ok you!) to treat your fellow man (or woman or children or some other sexual stereotype that I haven't insulted yet) that you should treat people better

During the other 11 months. I am suggesting we have a Christmas every month!

That's right. 12 Christmases a year. One a month. Although we don't have to call them all Christmases. We can name them individually for something that happens that month.

Work with me here. February being Black History Month can have Martin Luther King Jr.-mas. August can have Jimmy Buffett-mas. In March we can have a Hunger Games style lottery to pick who to name it after!

Each one can have it's own decorations, it's own seasonal music, it's own types of lights. And there would be no time to have a Martin Luther King Jr-mas hangover because we have to turn around and get ready for my wife Jenifer Gardiner-mas.

Think about what it would do for the economy! It'll solve unemployment!

It is the perfect solution to all of our problems!

You are welcome world!

T.G.A. FRIDAY for Friday, April 16, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 17:53:00 +0000

I WANNA BE CHUCK LORRE

I’ve decided to be like Chuck Lorre.

So I’ve cobbled together some Chuck Lorre-style vanity card blurbs.

Now I just need to produce a bunch of hit television shows and make millions of dollars.

No problem.

Last week I saw a production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” because several friends were in the cast. Now that damned song has been stuck in my head for nearly a week. It just

won't go go go away. I can only remember four words, and three of them are the same.

Because she is so helpful at times like this, this morning my wife was kind enough to hum the song for about twenty minutes. (She can't remember all the words, either.) Just to stop myself from getting bored (because I've accepted that the song will now be in my head forever!), I've started changing it up, playing with the lyrics. For while, in tribute to the cinematic classics from Toho Studios, I was singing, "Go Go Gojira." But then, because of the free-associative nature of my mind, I soon had Blue Oyster Cult doing a production of Joseph in my head. Now I've moved on to Inspector Gadget. "Go go go, Gaaah-jet. Extendible arms... Go go go, Gaaah-jet. Coffee maker..."

Ah, well. When a song is stuck in your head, any theme will do.

A few days ago, I offered some advice and words of encouragement to a friend that needed them at the time. Later, when everything was once again good and fine and as it should be, I received a text message, promising something called an “Irish Hug” apparently as thanks for my concern. I was not familiar with the term, but I am familiar with something called a “Glasgow Kiss,” which is, essentially, a head butt. I replied to her text message, saying that I hoped an Irish Hug wasn’t as violent as a Glasgow Kiss. My fears were quickly laid to rest when she informed me that an Irish Hug is, in fact, a quick grab of the arse. However, this information led to a whole new range of issues concerning the protocols of such a thing. I’m sure an Irish Hug, in its truest form, has a sort of guerrilla aspect to it, no warning, existing mainly for the shock value and quick thrill. But this particular butt-squeeze was now being arranged days, perhaps weeks, in advance. How will that play out, I wondered. Will it be a rather formal endeavour? “Brace yourself, sir. I am about to grasp your posterior in a firm grip for a duration of approximately three seconds.” Or will there be ninja training involved? I pictured myself weeks from now, walking peacefully down the street when suddenly… >NOINK< right on my bum. I turn quickly, but there is no one there. Down a dark alleyway I hear a distant giggle, then silence.

It’s actually kind of intriguing.

Like most people, I learned all I know about alien abductions and anal probes from deciphering the hidden messages in Bob Newhart’s comedy routines. So it was with great enthusiasm that I embarked on a weekend adventure in the emerging sport of UFO-baiting. The important thing to remember is, just like with fishing, you’ve got to use the right bait. UFOs won’t appear for just anyone. So I went out and got a beat up old pick-up truck, a plaid jacket and a hat with earflaps. Then I parked in the middle of nowhere with a bottle of Jack Daniels, a cheekful of Redman chewing tobacco and an 8-track tape of Conway Twitty’s greatest hits. I sat there for hours, waiting patiently

with my thumb on the trigger for the 37 spring-loaded nets I’d hidden in the trees, just waiting to catch a UFO. But the UFO fellows are tricky buggers and they snuck up behind me when I wasn’t looking, or awake, or something. Suddenly, I saw a bright light and I was being pulled upwards in their tractor beam. This wasn’t just a normal tractor bean, either. This was like a John Deere tractor beam. Then they knocked off my hat with their hurricane-tickle ray and sent a squadron of mutant squirrels to give me noogies. Turns out the truck had a leaky exhaust system and I’d been breathing fumes for about three hours. The doctors say there was no UFO; it was just another near-death experience, like that time I passed out facedown in the giant vat at the Budweiser brewery. Good thing the vat was empty by the time I woke, because I really had to pee.

GEEK THURSDAY for Thursday, April 8, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 13:53:00 +0000

THOSE WACKY, WACKY 70’S

They say if you remember the 60’s then you weren't really there. They should also say if you remember the 70’s then you should be ashamed. The 70’s were a decade of disco, flared pants and the leisure suit, surely reasons enough to want to forget.
And of course it is my duty to make you remember, so sit back and relax and enjoy this tribute to the 70’s.

ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET HUH?

Who can forget this commercial and the catch phrase it spawned? Sure it was a racist stereotype to think that Chinese people own dry cleaners, but this was the 70’s, racist stereotypes were ok back then.
Also notice that this dry cleaners seems to consist of a single washer/dryer.

76 BRADY’S

The 70’s were the decade of the musical/variety show. Everyone and their brother got a show, including everyone’s favourite merged family.
This clip is from the short lived Brady Bunch Hour, a 1977 show whose sole purpose seemed to be to rape our childhood.

MILKY!

It is my sincere hope that someone was shot for even considering this 70’s toy called Milky the Marvellous Milking Cow.

IT’S LEISURE TIME!

And who can forget the leisure suit.
Well actually a lot of people can, since this fashion statement didn’t make it out of the 70’s.
But look at this guy, doesn’t he look comfortable? Doesn’t he look stylish? Doesn’t he look ready to cut a rug at the local disco? Why I bet mere moments after this picture was taken he had casual, unprotected sex.
Ah the Leisure Suit. Dead before it’s time.

THEY WROTE A SONG ABOUT WHAT?????

Of course it wouldn’t be the 70’s without a song filled with thinly veiled sexual references.
And there is no better example then Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal band, who recorded this tribute to an afternoon quickie.

And there you have it, racism, casual sex, variety shows and the leisure suit. That is pretty much the 70’s in a nut shell. And allow me to be the first to say shame on you! You, as a decade, should be ashamed to have existed. Why there has never been a time in history so embarrassing as this … until the 80’s come along of course.

T.G.A. Friday for Friday, April 2, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 19:17:00 +0000

“W”TF?

I used to actively seek out things that I could mock and wonder about. Now they’re everywhere, stupid things. You can’t turn around without tripping over one.

For example, last weekend I used an ATM at a bank that is not my regular financial institution. Initially, the on-screen prompts were fairly standard, what I’d expect at any bank machine.

Enter Your PIN it prompted I entered my PIN (which is definitely not 9823).

Choose A Transaction Type it urged. I chose Withdraw Cash because, after all, that was what I wanted to do.

Then it became… odd.

Normally, the ATM would then ask me which account I would like to access in order to withdraw the cash, and it did, in fact, ask just such a question. It was the way in which the question was presented that got me wondering and, indeed, mocking.

Displayed on the screen of the ATM was the phrase “From” Which Account?

Yes, that’s right. There were quotation marks (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quotation_mark ) around a single word in the sentence.

I immediately realized that one of two possible factors was at play in this situation.

Either…

A: The machine had not only spontaneously developed sentience (SkyNet here we come!), it had also used its newfound intelligence to develop philosophy. It was being existentially ironic, suggesting that, as energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transferred from one form to another (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conservation_of_energy ), so, too, money cannot be created only altered in form. The money I withdraw won’t actually come from anywhere. It already exists. I am merely altering the manner in which it will be interpreted.

As inevitable as the link between sentient computers and the enslavement of all mankind is, the consequences of a philosophy-driven machine intelligence are even more frightening.

Consider this scenario, in which the epitome of American technology knocks on the door and asks, with an Austrian accent, “Are you Sarah Connor?”

“…Yes,” replies the young woman who looks startlingly like Linda Hamilton.

“Have you ever considered our purpose in the universe?”

Seventy-two hours later the killer robot from the future is still prattling on about the metaphysically artificial nature of good and evil in a post-industrial society, while Sarah Connor puts a shotgun under her chin and blows her own brains out just to get him to shut the hell up.

Or…

B: The highly educated computer technician who programmed the ATM is a functionally illiterate, text-message-obsessed twit who couldn’t use proper punctuation to save his life.

I don’t know which is worse. At least with option A there is some hope for the survival of humanity. When the pondering hordes of neo-Nietzsche automatons from the post-apocalyptic future come knocking, we can just pretend we’re not home. You know, like we do with those other guys.

As I left the bank parking lot, I saw a van with a license plate that read “H E P L.”

As I sped past it, I said, “Sorry, buddy. You’re on your own. You’ll just have to save yourself.” Then I giggled far more than I probably should have.

tga

HUMP DAY REPORT for Wednesday, March 31, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 18:35:00 +0000

DUMBERER AND DUMBERER STILL…

“Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?”*

Of course you don’t.

Nor do you recall the source material from which that first lyrical line is being quoted.

In fact, most of you are so wet-behind-the-ears that for you the Clinton administration is ancient history.

WAIT A MINUTE!!!

I can hear the whine from here. HORNBECK! You’ze am a Canuck and is/am tippy tappy typing from Canada yes? So WHY O’ WHY O’ WHY-OH would you choose to use a U.S. of A. political administration as your temporal hallmark?

Well, my fictitious and vernacularly inconsistent objectionist, here’s your answer: I wanted to reference a defined period in time, an era not-too-broad in its scope. The Americans (as they like to call themselves with that special selective brand of self-awareness-slash-narcissism they exude) limit the period of time over which anyone my preside… them… in a Presidential…sense… so… OH FORCRYINGOUT LOUDSTOPWHINING!!!

YOU’VE RUINED MY WHOLE OPENING NOW!

I’ll start again.

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?

Of course you don’t.

In fact, most of you are so wet-behind-the-ears that for you the Clinton administration is ancient history.

So it’s probably safe to say that most of you only ever experienced the technological marvel that was (is?) “The Clapper” when you visited Grandma’s house.

Oh how it once was children… There was a time when the familiar refrain of the mighty Clapper echoed freely across the landscape of late-night TV.

Come on… sing it with me!

Clap on.

Clap off.

Clap on. Clap off…

The CLAPPER!

And do you know what “The Clapper” was, my children?

It was a new and marvellous technology that allowed us to turn things off or on at a distance merely by clapping our hands.

That’s right… like GODS we clapped our hands and lights went on or off in accordance with our will.

Intrepid souls with the spark of ingenuity found ways to adapt the technology to TV sets, stereos, every form of light-fixture imaginable, and (I’m quite sure) vibrators and sexual devices and toys. (This last innovation resulted in the short-lived popularity of a SECOND meaning for the popularly uttered phrase… “giving someone ‘The Clap’”)

Oh… what wonders I’ve seen.

So imagine my surprise when I recently saw an ALL-NEW commercial promoting an ALL-NEW upgraded version of this miracle technology.

And do you know what made this new edition SO special? Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Okay… here it comes…

You ready?

This is it…

They had updated the Clapper by adding… a SWITCH to it!

That’s right, an “innovator” “improved” an existing product…

(Hold on.)

…by adding TO that product…

(Get your migraine medication handy.)

… THE VERY TECHNOLOGY IT WAS DESIGNED TO REPLACE!

Is this a new low?

I think this might be a new low?

“Hey LOOK, honey! They’ve improved ‘The Clapper’!”

“Really, darling? How so?”

“Well, they’ve put a switch in it.”

“Oh darling, that’s marvellous! So you mean, no more tedious clapping of the hands to turn things of and on?”

“No more, my dear. Such trials are now a thing of the past. We, the children at the dawn of a new age may instead simply get up out of our excessively-padded chairs and walk over to wherever we’ve installed our ‘Clapper’ remote switch and cause power to flow with barely a touch of our finger.”

“Darling… is this a miracle? I think this is a miracle? Don’t you? Or is that going too far.”

“A miracle? A miracle to suggest that, should I wish to turn on a light, I could simply walk over to a wall-mounted switch and press a button rather than clapping my hands? No, darling. I don’t think it’s going to far at all.”

What miraculous times we live in.

Oh look… I’ve just invented the paper and stylus WORD PROCESSOR

And another innovation…

… E-MAIL, now using paper, ink, stamps and a vast network of people and transport vehicles to get messages where you want them to go.

Oh… AND…

…An eco-friendly, electric car powered ENTIRELY by cheap, convenient FOSSIL FUELS!

My god, I’m on fire here! I’ve just come up with…

…NEW & IMPROVED DEMOCRACY, a representative system of government in which the interests of everyone are represented by ME in a consolidated and concentrated form of head of state known as EMPEROR.

That’s right baby! One man one vote!

I’m one man and my one vote will count for all votes!

CAN MORE INNOVATIONS BE FAR BEHIND?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED HUMPDAY REPORT… now with a few slightly different words.

--G.D. HORNBECK

TOP FIVE TUESDAY for Tuesday, March 23, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 18:19:00 +0000

TOP FIVE WAYS TO TURN SOMETHING NORMAL INTO
A WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY

The world is a big and sometimes scary place. The reasons behind this are many, and one of those reasons may be that someone or something is controlling it all from behind the scenes.
At least that is what some people claim. They believe in a grand, worldwide conspiracy, or even worse, conspiracies. . And to prove it to you they say certain things, key words or phrases that prove that something is up to no good.
So to explain this appropriately, I’ve decided to use the simple household toaster and prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how to prove there is a conspiracy behind it.

5: ADD THE WORD “BIG” IN FRONT OF IT

The phrase “The Pharmaceutical Industry” sounds all fine and dandy. “Big Pharma” sounds all mean and world take over-ish.
“The Oil industry” sounds almost mom and pop like. “Big Oil” is ominous and evil.
You see, add the word “big” before anything and it sounds like it’s watching you while you sleep and taking over the world.
Let’s try it:
“The Toaster Making Industry.”
Or
“Big Toaster!”
You see how that works? I may never eat toast again!

4: ATTACH A WEIRD RELIGION TO IT

Everyone knows that a new religion that we don’t understand is up to something, something much worse than the old religion we don’t understand.
It goes like this:
“Did you know that the fact a toaster uses electricity means the makers of the toaster believe in a religion that worships the god Thor? It’s true. And we all know anyone who worships Thor in this day and age is up to no good!”
I’m scared already.

3: ASSIGN A POLITICAL DOGMA TO IT

If there is one thing right/left wingers hate, it’s encouraging left/right wingers. And so to make a more perfect conspiracy, throw some politics in for fun.
“Did you know that Glen Beck eats toast? Yeah, so does Bill O’Riely and George W. Bush. In fact a lot of right wingers eat toast regularly. That obviously means that toast is a far right conspiracy. I mean Hillary Clinton eats Bagels, so what does that tell you? “

2: LIST CELEBRITIES WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE ATTACHED TO IT

Celebrities are weird. They do weird things. Attach your conspiracy to them and suddenly toast becomes weird.
“Did you know that Tom Cruise uses a toaster? And so did Elvis! And we all know how well Elvis turned out! “

1: JUST KEEP REPEATING IT AND SOMEONE WILL BELIEVE YOU (EVENTUALLY)

There is nothing like wearing a person down. Jennie McCartney believes vaccines cause autism. She has no proof, but she just keeps repeating it and people believe her. So why not follow her lead.
“Toasters are taking over the world! Toasters are out to get us! Whoever controls the toast controls the world!” Repeat over and over until someone believes you, then ask them for money.

T.G.A. FRIDAY for Friday, March 19, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 13:18:00 +0000

A SONG AND A TEAR

(WITH PICTURES OF WHAT A REAL BANJO PLAYER MIGHT LOOK LIKE)

St Patrick’s Day was earlier this week and in honour of that hallowed event, CPFOG the Blog and TGA Friday proudly present a new song, composed for just this occasion, complete with banjo accompaniment.

GRANNY’S DRUNKEN LULLABY

Toora loora looral

Rah rah, siss boom bah

Ave Maria

Que sera sera

When I was but a wee baby

Me granny liked to drink

She’d stare at me over her whiskey

And say, “A lullaby, I think.”

She would start to sing me a bedtime song

But she’d get her merds wixed up

Then she’d say, “T’ hell with it all,”

And pour another cup, singing,

“Toora loora looral

Rah rah, siss boom bah

Ave Maria

Que sera sera

“Rememb’rin’ words is for pussies.

You only need carry a tune

Until it no longer matters at all

For ye’ll be plastered soon.”

She’d take me wee pram for a toddle

And waddle straight down to the pub

She’d prop me up on the bar for a lark

And give me tummy a rub.

She’d offer to trade me for spirits

But the barman said, “Nay, not allowed.”

Then she’d make me dance a wee jig to get money

Busking for the crowd, while she sang

“Toora loora looral

Rah rah, siss boom bah

Ave Maria

Que sera sera

“Rememb’rin’ words is for pussies.

You only need carry a tune

Until it no longer matters at all

For ye’ll be plastered soon.”

Now the years have gone by and I’ve grown up

And me granny, so sad, has passed on

But we all raised a glass in her mem’ry

And sang her this dear bedtime song

“Toora loora looral

Rah rah, siss boom bah

Ave Maria

Que sera sera

“Rememb’rin’ words is for pussies.

You only need carry a tune

Until it no longer matters at all

For ye’ll be plastered soon.”

She sang

Toora loora looral

Rah rah, siss boom bah

Ave Maria

Que sera sera

(spoken) G’night, Granny. We miss ye, ye wee drunken cow.

Thanks to William Poulin for the inspiration and concept.)

HUMP DAY REPORT for Wednesday, March 17, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 04:01:00 +0000

PEOPLE ARE GETTING DUMBERER AND DUMBERER…

BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!

COUGARS ARE ON THE PROWL

AS STUPIDITY GETS COYOTE UGLY IN T.O. !

Getting right to it today.

No preamble. No clever wording-about beforehand.

Just gonna just dive right on in.

So here we go.

You ready?

Well, this is it…

Wait, did I say without “preamble”? ‘Cause if I did, that would be wrong. Just saying there’d be no preamble was a kind of preamble.

Of course, both of you out there who are reading this are sharp and astute enough to have caught that already so I won’t say another word about it.

Because if I did say more about it then----

THIS JUST IN:

THE LEAD IS BURIED… LONG LIVE THE LEAD!

Alright so…

Don’t know if you’ve heard but apparently the City of Toronto has a problem with Coyotes.

And before you say it: NO. The problem isn’t that they’re “…Ugly”.

(In fact, “Coyote Ugly” is a condition most often associated with Cougars.)

Apparently, some Coyotes ranging within the treed and wooded environs of Toronto, snatched up a beloved house-pet as an appetizer, apparently thinking it was more candy than canine.

The “problem” is that apparently these Coyote’s are unaware that THIS…

[GORD: can you insert a picture of some improbable miniature ‘dog’ of some kind here? Then delete this text, obviously.]

[HORNBECK: Consider it done.]

Is actually considered by some people to be a dog.

Look folks, I love our fuzzy little parasites as much as the next guy…

--Unless the next guy is my friend Bill. If it’s Bill, then I love our fuzzy little parasites WAY MORE than the next guy---

…But let’s face facts: You can keep a rat as a pet if you want to but it’s still a rat and it still occupies a rat’s place on the food chain.

You can also choose any one of hundreds of specialized, freak-breeds of miniature, toy, quivering rat-sized dogs because they fit in your purse BUT…

…Don’t expect the Animal Kingdom ---the domain of ACTUAL animals living and foraging for food as best they can in spite of our presence--- to know the difference between your Fifi and fois gras.

Between Ling-ling and lollipops.

Between Sir Yapsalot and… whatever tiny, bite-sized morsel might alliteratively serve to make this sentence work.

My point is: Your “dog” is less likely to qualify as Coyote catnip if he’s actually, you know… a DOG! You know, a DOG-SIZED DOG?

Haven’t heard of any German Shepherds or St. Bernard's or Labrador Retrievers being snatched up by Coyotes have you? No. You know why? Because it’s IMPOSSIBLE for a Coyote to look at another canine, like himself, and mistake it for a bon bon.

You don’t look at your brother-in-law and think “Hey, I could pop that in my mouth right now and it’ll tide me over till dinner”, do you?

(If you do… seek professional help or at the very least keep your hands to yourself you slut.)

Here’s a tip: If your dog is smaller than a Beagle then it’s probably not a real dog.*

*Exceptions apply only to dachshunds (badger hounds) and terriers (earth dogs) which are actual breeds of real dog which make up for in cunning and viciousness what they lack in size and which would have no problem surviving in the wild if they had the opportunity.

But I’ll give you this much… If you find yourself among the confused, it’s not surprising. Even those who are PAID to keep you “informed” can’t seem to get it right.

The other night on CTV News when the story broke, local anchor Ken Shaw had to read THIS off the teleprompter as a seque from some other dog-related story to a report on the very Coyote “problem” noted above:

“You know folks, dogs are one thing. But Coyotes? That’s something completely different.”

Uh… No it isn’t. Now, dogs and vacuum cleaners… THOSE are completely different. But dogs and Coyotes? Pretty much no difference.

So what’s to become of our Coyote problem? Well, at some point the same PETA-head morons who feed scavenging wildlife and then wonder why it comes looking for more will probably revert to their humano-centric roots and scream for blood.

That’s right, Coyotes snapping up voles, mice and Mr. Cuddles will probably be hunted down.

But meanwhile THE REAL THREAT REMAINS UNADDRESSED…

Apparently Toronto doesn’t have a problem with Cougars feasting on its young pups.

Won’t someone think of the children?

---G.D. Hornbeck

GEEK THURSDAY for Thursday, March 11, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 05:01:00 +0000

THE NEW RULES FOR ROCK & ROLL

Like most people I have a soundtrack to my life. That soundtrack is Rock and Roll. Thanks to my brother Brian I grew up on it. (Although I still say The Who is better than Zeppelin.)

There are times I look back and remember the soundtrack with the moments. Like The Who's We Won't Get Fooled Again that I listened to before each and every High School exam. Or Rock & Hyde's classic yet little known album Under The Volcano that was THE album for me in High School.

How about Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall: Part Two that all the kids in grade school kept singing, not realising that there was a whole concept album behind it that I, and only I, out of all those grade school kids, had listened to.

How about this. Brian had a book of interviews from the Rolling Stone magazine. I borrowed the book and was reading it on the bus to school. Another kid saw what I was reading and proudly proclaimed "I hate the Rolling Stones!"

And yet that music I love so much has grown up around me and is no longer the same as I remember it. Like most middle agers it has grown a bit around the waist and slowed down a bit.

But I have the solution. I know where to cut the fat and make Rock and Roll what it once was.

And it is with this that I proudly present CPFOG’s Laws of Rock and Roll.

Law One: Any song that uses the phrase Rock and Roll in a positive sense MUST be a genuine Rock and Roll song. (Former teen sensations AJ and Aly, I am looking at you!)

Law Two: Rap is not Rock and Roll. Rap is its’ own thing, so don't insult both of them by placing them together. Just give Rap its’ own damn hall of fame.

Law Three: No one, no where, at no time may cover American Pie again! (Thanks to Madonna for ruining that one for us.)

Law Four: Any Rock and Roller who releases two consecutive albums of mostly slow music can no longer be called a Rock and Roller. (Goodbye Bruce Springsteen.)

Law Five: There is no such thing as New (or Neo) Punk. You are Punk or you are not Punk. End of story.

Law Six: No band formed after 1977 can call itself Punk. The Sex Pistols were Punk. The Clash were Punk. Green Day is not Punk.

Law Seven: Hair Metal will hereby stay dead.

Law Eight: U2 no longer has the moral authority to perform any song from their first five albums. Infraction of this law comes with a punishment of listening to the complete political speeches of Bono in one sitting. (That'll teach him.)

Law Nine: The 80s New Wave never happened. Do you hear me, IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!

Law Ten: Any hot guitar chick who becomes a fat bloated guitar chick is hereby forced into retirement.

Law Eleven: Double standards still apply.

Law Twelve: Country, in any form, is not Rock and Roll. I don't care what you thought of Johnny Cash.

Law Thirteen: (Otherwise known as Rod Stewart's Law) You are allowed one (1) album of standards before you will be shot.

Law Fourteen: Any musician or group that compares any of his/her/its music to any Beatles album will hereby be stripped, shackled and have rotten fruit pelted at them. This goes double if your name is Paul McCartney.

Law Fifteen: Paul McCartney must stop! NOW!

Law Sixteen: Appearance on a reality show is an automatic ejection. (And not the good type.)

Law Seventeen: Multiple wives/lovers at one time stops being cool after fifty. Yes Mick Jagger, I'm pointing at you.

Law Eighteen: No person/band can call its’ album by the color on the front. It's been done to death by better people than you.

Law Nineteen: The Eagles touring is no longer interesting.

Law Twenty: If a quorum of your band's members are dead, you can no longer call your band by the same name. (Are you listening The Who?)

Law 21: If you are a female singer, you are no longer allowed to sing "Mercedes Benz" or "Another Little Piece of My Heart." It's been done to death, and probably by better singers than you.

Law 22: Unless the name of your band is Boston, any ten year gap between albums is an automatic retirement.

Law 23: There is no choreography in Rock and Roll.

Law 24: Any song with a political statement must be a good song first and foremost. Are you listening Bruce Cockburn?

Law 25: Actors can no longer release albums. Musicians can no longer act. Once you cross that line you can never go back.

Law 26: To be called Rock and Roll you must destroy at least three hotel rooms in a span of five years.

Law 27: It is no longer enough for parody albums to be good (The Rutles second album) or funny (Spinal Taps’ second album). A parody album must be good and funny. (The Rutles and Spinal Taps’ first albums.)

Law 28: (Paul McCartney's Law.) If you publicly announce that you cannot read or write musical notations, do not be surprised if the world goes "Well, that explains it."

Law 29: Everyone who still considers themselves a hippie will be placed in a cryogenic freezing tube and only revived when either a: Being a hippie is back in style or b: The end of the world. Whichever comes first.

Law 30: Neil Young must finally make up his mind for good. Is he in CSNY or not?

Law 31: You are allowed only one (1) sequel to a previous album. Breaking this law means you have to change your name to Meatloaf.

Law 32: One album of duets is fine, two is acceptable, after that you are washed up.

Law 33: The number of Greatest hits albums is directly proportional to how washed up you are. Do you hear me Chicago!?!?!?!

Law 34: Spirituality is fine. Push it too far and you'll end up making duet albums. (See Law 32 and Santana.)

Law 35: Merchandising is fine. Pushing it too far means you'll end up with something called the Kiss Army.

Law 36: The Grateful Dead is done, over, kaput. Any band that tries to be the new Grateful Dead is hereby punished by getting The Grateful Deads’ fans.

Law 37: You don't tell me how to vote, I won't tell you that you were washed up fifteen years ago. Agreed?

Law 38: You are allowed to sign one (1) song of yours to be in a TV commercial. More than one and you must shave your head, spout pseudo-political and pseudo-philosophical rantings and become a dance music vegan. Hellooooooooo Moby!

Law 38: You are allowed to sign only one (1) song of yours into a TV theme song. This law does not count if the TV show features men dressed as women.

Law 39: One song is a tribute. Two songs is weird. Three songs is a potential stalker. An entire album is grounds for the insanity plea. I'm looking at you Oasis!

Law 40: Yelling "Rock And Roll" at the beginning of a party shows your age. That is punishment enough.

And there you have it folks. Forty laws that I feel will bring Rock and Roll back to life. Do I expect anyone to follow those laws? Nope. Why? Money. Money drives business and business is what Rock and Roll is these days.

Which brings me to the final law.

Law 41: Rock and Roll was the rage against the machine. The voice of the generation that was going to change the world. For everyone who was there and doing it and are now not doing it, your punishment is the most severe. You get to live in the world that, face it, you made.

Have a good day.

A SPECIAL MONDAY HUMP DAY REPORT for Monday, March 1 , 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:49:00 +0000

THE OLYMPICS WERE ON!

HEY EVERYBODY THE OLYMPICS WERE ON!

Did I mention the Olympics were on?

Have you heard the Olympics were on?

In case you hadn’t noticed the Olympics were ON!

And they were SOOOOO ON, let me tell you.

Which can only mean…

IT’S TIME TO HAVE FUN WITH HEADLINES!!!!!!

Nah… just kidding. Did the Headlines last time.

So anyway, I’ll bet you’ve all been absolutely DYING to know what yer ol’ buddy Hornbeck thought about the opening ceremonies.

Of course you have.

I know you. You’ve been lying awake at night, sweat-soaked, feverish with need, shivering in anticipation and muttering to yourself over and over:

“My GOD. How can I LIVE? How can I last another day without knowing what Hornbeck the All-Seeing knows?”

“…Without basking in the glow of his All-Knowing and Wise, Comforting and Illuminating Words of Truth?”

“…Without---“ OKAY! O-KAY! Relax already. I’ll tell you. Don’t beg.

So…

WHAT’S HORNBECK’S TAKE ON THE OPENING CEREMONIES?

Meh.

Or maybe… FANTASTIC!

Really depends which yardstick against which you’d like to measure its success.

Dispelling Canadian stereotypes? Heck no. We had Mounties in full ceremonial dress, and Indians (a.k.a. First Nations) and polar bears.

We had Anne Murray and Wayne Gretzky.

We had Leonard Cohen sung by K.D. Lang and Bryan Adams and the ubiquitous sleeping pill of Donald Sutherland’s voice.

We had a Peter Pan take on W. O. Mitchell and whales that swam through the stage.

No… I don’t think any of our Great White North stereotypes were dispelled at all in spite of the lack of snow.

But to those can’t do… OR teach… or string together a coherent or relevant line of reasoning… (in other words: our home grown “media”)…

…Apparently the next day was time to engage in the national pass-time: Pissing and Moaning.

Did it start off slower than it might have thanks to all the First Nations “welcome” chants? Sure.

But to all those who kept whining about “too many Indians” and “what’s up with all the Indians?”… I’d like to point out a couple things.

Who’s country do you think you’re living in?

Oh sure, the First Nations were here first but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Nor am I talking about the fact that they’re not Indians. Gandhi was an Indian. Beef Vindaloo is Indian.

I’m talking about the only official citizenry this country has… The Entitled.

We live in a nation of entitlements. Almost everyone thinks their entitled to something.

Whatever legitimacy their claims my have, the First Nations terrorists in Caledonia felt entitled to hold a community hostage and destroy public property without reprisal from police.

In B.C. loggers feel entitled to log anything, anytime, anywhere.

Hell, we live in a country dumb enough to allow one of its provinces to dictate the national agenda for all the others provinces and territories and to feel entitled to refer to itself as a “nation”.

And apparently, on Day 1 of the 2010 Olympic Games, some real dickheads with tunnel vision felt entitled to disrupt the torch run.

Whatever their agenda, these A-holes felt SO passionately about it that apparently that entitled them to deprive many of those who had lined up for hours (and anticipated for months) the right to enjoy a precious momentary sense of “communion with their fellow human beings”. (Or, if you’re a cynic, “an act of wilful self-delusion”.)

---Oh yeah, and some of those who missed out on seeing the torch were Canadian War Vets! You know, the people without whom all these little punks would have been speaking German!---

Either way these hysterical apple cart up setters ---no wait, that’s not accurate--- These… poseur, wannabe activist douche bags should be beaten and publicly tarred and feathered.

And if we Canucks are too pussified and compromised to do what needs done, just round them up and drop them off to the right people in Vancouver’s very prominent Chinatown.

Y’know, the Chinatown with a direct pipeline to the actual China.

I know what you’re thinking… G. D. …None of this is particularly funny.

You’re right. It’s not funny. There’s nothing funny at all about these douche bags.

But enough about the douche bags.

How did Canada do with the Opening Ceremonies?

We actual grown-up Canucks should be proud.

It was a stellar, thoughtful and artistically conceived and presented show.

Canada did damned well.…considering the number of self-important and self-obsessed, greedy, short-sighted, grandstanding DOUCHE BAGS we tolerate amongst us!

(Okay… Guess I wasn’t really over the douche bags yet.)

G.D. Hornbeck

T.GROOVY ARGALL FRIDAY for Friday, February 26, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 14:26:00 +0000

Due to the on-going Olympic coverage there will not be a new TGA Friday column this week. In its place we are proud to present a random TGA Friday blog selected from the 40-year archives of CPFOG.

Here’s a classic from Friday, July 25, 1975.

A Computer In Your Home? Get Real, Jive Turkey!

Last week, a couple of college buddies started a computer company called “Mini-Squish” or “Micro-Softie” or something like that. (There’s gotta be a small penis joke there someplace, but I don’t have time to think of it ‘cuz a hot mama wants to do the hustle with me. WBNB) They say this company is gonna make computers that a brother can keep in his home. What kind of jive talk is that?

Sure, at first the idea sounds CLF, but let’s think it through. We’ve all seen computers in movies, man. They’re huge. Even in the future, they’re gonna be gigantic. Then you’d have to store all those reel-to-reel tapes, too.

The computer would fill your whole house and then your basement would be stacked high with tape reels and those weird punch-card things.

But, hey, man, if that’s what floats your boat, the GDWBS.

Best Movies Of The Year (First Half)

Cinematically, the first half of 1975 was groovy. Here is a short list of some of my favourite movies so far this year. These are films that will be talked about for years to come, hailed as major achievements in Twentieth Century Hollywood. Feast your peepers on these flicks, baby.

The Apple Dumpling Gang -- Don Knotts and Tim Conway are groovy together. I think they both gotta get an Oscar for this movie.

Bug -- Check this out… This earthquake releases these mutant cockroaches, you dig? But the roaches have the power to start fires. Man, this is OOTW. They had to make the posters bigger just to fit the whole tagline on… “They Look Like Rocks...Possess A High Intelligence...Have No Eyes...And Eat Ashes...They Travel In Your Car Exhaust...They Make Fire...They Kill.”

Blazing Stewardesses -- Yvonne “Lily Munster” DeCarlo in a bawdy western about stewardesses. What’s not to love? SMSS

Later this year, keep your peepers peeled for the flick that will prove Ken Russell is the greatest director Hollywood has ever seen; Lisztomania, starring Roger Daltry as the old composer Franz Liszt, Ringo Starr as the Pope, and Rick Wakeman (you know, the dude from Yes) as Thor.

That flick is gonna snap, crackle and pop, man. It’s gonna be outta sight.

Well, brothas and sistas, that’s all we got to rap about this week. Till next week, KIR and KOT.

tga

In order to make it easier for readers to keep up with the past, CPFOG is pleased to present a Glossary of 1975 Acronyms

CLF – Cool Like Fonzie

GDWBS – Get Down Witcha Bad Self

KIR – Keep It Real

KOT – Keep on Truckin’

OOTW – Out Of This World

SMSS – Slip Me Some Skin

WBNB – We Be Nokkin’ Boots

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, February 22, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:16:00 +0000

A VERY SPECIAL “GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDD!!!!!” ISSUE

I AM RUBBER AND YOU ARE GLUE

LONDON – British Tory leader David Cameron has said he expects there will be an inquiry into claims of bullying by Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
The claims were made in a new book by Andrew Rawnsley, which detailed incidents in which Brown would call people “Poopie head” and demand their lunch money.
A spokesman for the Prime Minister refuted the claims, saying that Brown is “Demanding” but “Doesn’t bully people.” He then called Rawnsley a “Momma’s boy” and gave him a wedgie.
In other news, neener, neener, neener!

HUG IS IN THE AIR

LAS VEGAS - A 51-year-old Ohio man has attempted to break the world record for the most hugs given in 24 hours. Jeff Ondash, who hugs under the name Teddy McHuggin, managed 7,777 embraces in one day, partly thanks to his choice of location on the Las Vegas strip.
When the marathon was over, McHuggin said “Hey, who took my wallet? I had it here when I started.”

I’M SORRY BUT I SEEM TO HAVE WON AN AWARD

LONDON – The British Film and Television Industry celebrated the finest in British film and television this weekend when the British Academy of Film and Television Arts awards, or B.A.F.T.A were handed out.
The big winner was noted British film The Hurt Locker, beating out other such British films as Avatar and District 9.
That word they use, “British”, I don’t think it means what they think it means.

CPFOG IS PROUD TO PRESENT

OTHER WINNERS OF THE B.A.F.T.A. AWARDS

- The Best Actor award went to Hugh Grant for No Sex Please, I’m a Lovable yet Indecisive British male with a Bit of A Stammer.
- The Best Actress Award went to Carey Mulligan for I’m A Somewhat Flighty British Woman Who Stands Up for Something or Other.
- The Best Costume Design award went to Yet Another British Period Piece.
- And the Rising Star award went to Kristen Stewart (This one isn’t a joke … I guess, it’s hard to tell with those British.)

GOT A TIGER IN YOUR TANK (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)

Golfer Tiger “I’ve Got A” Woods made his first public statement since the revelations of his torrid affairs this week. Woods took to a podium to apologise and accept blame for his many, many, many … many … many transgressions.
If course not everyone was happy with his apology. Several of the women who knowingly slept with a married man were upset that woods did not apologise to them, much like they didn’t
apologise to Woods wife Elin for knowingly sleeping with her husband.
As well, Golf journalists were upset that Woods dared not take questions after his statement. Because if there is anyone you don’t want to cross it’s Golf journalists.

MEANWHILE, OVER AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS

VANCOUVER – The host nation of Canada is in mourning after their beloved Men’s Hockey team lost to the Americans, causing a giant, fiery hole to appear in the sky and the four horsemen to appear, ready to inflict a deadly apocalypse upon the world … dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.
Ok, so it’s not that bad, but don’t tell Canadian Hockey fans that.
Meanwhile Canada, hoping to get their first ever Gold on home soil, have actually received four of the coveted medals:
- Jon Montgomery won for Individual Sledding (Feet First)
- Christine Nesbitt won for The Type of Skating that Would Get Me Kicked Out of My Local Rink
- Maelle Ricker won for That Sport the Kids are Into These Days
- and Alexandre Bilodeau won for Fancy, Schmancy Skiing.
Congrats guy’s, your country is proud of you!

CPFOG the Blog is:
Gord Gardiner – Writer, likes to watch the Skeleton
Jen Gardiner – RuffReader and is afraid of Skeletons.

BuzzNet Tags: Winter Olympics,Gordon Brown,Tiger Woods,BAFTA

TOP FIVE THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM THE MAURY SHOW for Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

TOP FIVE THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM THE MAURY

SHOW

As anyone who reads my Twitter posts knows, I love the Maury Povich show. It’s the thinking mans Jerry Springer. So it should come as no surprise that I have found some important life lessons folded within the DNA tests and “You Won’t Believe It ” videos.
Below you will find the collected knowledge found on the Maury show. Study them hard, for you never know when the day will come that you will need them.

#5: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED IN A TV STUDIO

Quick, answer this question.
You find yourself pregnant. You are sure that Billy Bob is the father, but Billy Bob is now dating/engaged to his new baby momma Betty Lou and denies everything short of sleeping with you.
You are tired and angry, you want Billy Bob to admit he is the father and want to shut that bitch Betty Lou up for good.
What do you do?
Of course you go on the Maury show and wage your war in front of millions of people. Sure, you may/probably will end up looking like a whore, but who cares? You dragged Billy Bob onto national TV and showed the world what an ass he is. And that is good enough for you.

#4: “WHATEVER” IS A NOUN, A VERB, AN ADVERB AND A SENTENCE ALL ON ITS OWN.

So the audience doesn’t take a liking to you. It’s bound to happen. I mean you’ve appeared on the show eight times to test twelve men but what is there not to like?
Sometimes a lot, and the audience isn’t afraid to let you know their displeasure. But you have to defend your so called honour.
This is where the most useful word in the world comes in.
“Whatevah!” (Translation: Whatever.)
Here, let’s try it out.

The audience yells “You are some sort of skanky ass whore.”
You: “Whatevah!”

Audience: “Why are you putting your children through this?”
You: “Whatevah!”

Audience: “This argument over health care is wearing us down!”
You: “Whatevah!”

There is no place where the word “Whatevah!” doesn’t fit, because thanks to the Maury show the word “Whatevah!” has become the universal word. It shall, some day, enter the universal lexicon as the most important word … nay, the only word.
One day, we will all be saying sentences like “Whatevah, whatevah whatevah. Whatevah, whatevah WHATEVAH!”

#3: IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, BLAME A FAMILY MEMBER

If your man isn’t attentive enough for you. If you believe very strongly that he is cheating but don’t know with who? Then there is one and only one person it can be, your family member.
Maybe your sister, possibly your mother, definitely your cousin, sometimes HIS cousin. But the who doesn’t matter, what does matter is that someone in your family is to blame, whether you have proof or not.

#2: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SHAME ANYMORE

Let us say that you have appeared on the Maury show to accuse Cornell of being your Baby Daddy, and the DNA test proves that he is not the father. Yes, you cry and run off but there is a lesson to learn here.
That lesson is, if you don’t know who your baby daddy is, then perhaps you should keep this to yourself.
It’s called shame, and it’s supposed to keep you from making an ass of yourself in front of large groups of people.
But the people on the Maury show know no shame. Potential Baby Daddy #1 doesn’t work out? Bring on potential Baby Daddy #2, #3, #4-6 and on and on it goes until you are now dragging people who passed you on the street the night you conceived.
And none of this shames you. At no point do you go “Wow, I’m not looking good here” and either give up or do the search privately.
Nope, you will drag half the eastern seaboard onto Maury to prove to the world that you are, in no way, a whore who has slept with so many men you can’t figure out who your Baby Daddy is.
And THAT is just baby #1.

#1: THERE IS NO STUPID ASS THING YOU CAN DO THAT ISN’T FORGIVABLE

And then it comes to this question. After the show, what are you to do? Words have been exchanged … er, yelled. Revelations have been made. But outside of the studio real life awaits for you, and the question has to be answered.
Where does this cheater/baby daddy/former man fit into my life?
Well, if the Maury show is to be believed, that man … er person will fit into your life like a snuggie. Because a remarkable amount of women who have been wronged take the scum bag back.
Oh sure he knocked you up then knocked up your sister and is now hooked up with his “fiancée”, who just happens to be knocked up. But true love cannot be stopped by a little something like pride or self respect. You MUST take that man back, it’s just the “right” thing to do.

BONUS: APPARENTLY DOCTORS ALL OVER ARE GIVING MEN REALLY BAD REPRODUCTIVE ADVICE

It began very simply. One potential Baby Daddy said, matter of factly, that his doctor told him he couldn’t “make girls.”
A little while later, another man made the claim that his doctor told him he “couldn’t make babies” because he only had one testicle.
Suddenly, it appeared that doctors were giving really stupid advice to men. Someone claims his doctor says the rhythm method of birth control means he can’t be the daddy, while another claims he was the rhythm method means he will only father boys. Truth be told I don’t know which doctors these guys are going to, but I wouldn’t trust these guys to give me an aspirin let alone reproductive advice.
But then I’ve never been on Maury, so who knows who I’d believe.

Written by – Gord Gardiner

BuzzNet Tags: Maury,Maury Povich,The Maury Povich Show

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, February 15, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 15:30:00 +0000

A VERY SPECIAL “GOLD MEDAL” ISSUE

OUTWIT, OUTSMART, OUTLAST

VANCOUVER – All eyes were focused on Vancouver, British Columbia as the 2010 Winter Olympic games began. Nations of the world marched into BC Place stadium with their heads held high and their hopes held higher.
The world watched in awe as scenes from the history of Canada were performed before them. Dancers performed interpretive scenes from The Beachcombers while the worlds largest barbeque cooked up back bacon all to Ann Murray music … I think, I don’t know. Undercover Boss was on so I watched that.
Anyway, Goooooooooooo Canada!

OUVRE LA F’NETRE, FERMER LA PORTE

OTTAWA - Meanwhile, Canadian Heritage Minister and all around party-pooper James Moore says he was "disappointed" with the amount of French used during the 2010 Winter Olympic Games' opening ceremony.
Moore told CBC on Sunday that the spectacle should have been "a better representation of our bicultural past and the reality today."
As a token of conciliation, the Canadian Olympic Committee has announced that the closing ceremonies will be a tribute to Rene Simard, include a salute to the “Les Boys” movie series and have the worlds biggest poutine pulled into the stadium by Crique du Soleil performers.
Happy now?

TAKE THAT!

OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon sent a stern warning to Iran, accusing the country of ignoring international pleas to stop developing nuclear material.
“I’m warning them, “ Cannon said in Ottawa, “And sternly.”
“Oooooooooooooh.” Iran is reported to have replied.

KATE PLUS 200 PAGES OF CRAP

Noted Baby momma Kate Gosselin, of Jon & Kate Plus High Profile Divorce fame, has released her third book.
The book, titled I Just Want You to Know, is a collection of journal entries, letters to her children and pictures of her really bitchin’ hair style, intended to inspire other mothers of eight children who married a douche bag.

CPFOG the Blog IS PROUD TO PRESENT:
A SHORT LOOK INSIDE OF KATE GOSSELIN’S NEW BOOK

Chapter One: It’s about faith, love and exploiting your children.
Chapter Two: If at first you don’t succeed, try a new hair style.
Chapter Four: To my oldest children. Don’t worry, Mommy still loves the money you bring in.
Chapter Eight: What a douche bag is and why Daddy is one.
Chapter Twelve: Someday I hope you all have children of your own that you can whore out on TV.

CPFOG the Blog is:
Gord Gardiner – Writer
Jen Gardiner - Poofradir

BuzzNet Tags: Olympics,Winter Olympics,Kate Gosselin,Jon & Kate,Vancouver

KEITH DAVID & DAVID KEITH, TOGETHER AGAIN ... for Friday, February 12, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Keith David and David Keith

Together Again for the First Time

Actor David Keith has a film career spanning nearly four decades. He got his start in the film industry doing stunts for a 1974 cinematic gem called Barn of the Naked Dead. (This film, by the way is one of my favourite bad movies because it falls so short of the wonder promised by its title. It’s actually more akin to Tool Shed of the Semi-Clad People Who Aren’t Feeling Well.) A guest-spot on Happy Days led to a recurring role on Co-Ed Fever and that led directly to Hollywood. After that, there was no stopping the supporting-role freight train that is David Keith.
IMDB.com lists over one hundred acting credits for David Keith, with several projects due to be released this year, including something called Clown Hunt.

Actor Keith David also has a film career that started in the 70s. His film debut was in the oft-overlooked classic Disco Godfather in which he played the pivotal role of Club Patron. A featured role in John Carpenter’s “The Thing” led to a recurring role as Keith the Southwood Carpenter on Mister Rogers’ Neighbourhood and that led directly (back) to Hollywood. After that, blah blah no stopping blah blah freight train blah blah Keith David.
IMDB.com lists over a hundred and fifty acting credits for Keith David, with several projects due to be released this year, including something called Spork.

In reviewing the prolific acting careers of these two cross-named performers, one question leaps immediately to the forefront: Why, oh, dear Lord, why have Keith David and David Keith never been in a movie together?
Think about for about eight seconds and you’ll see that pairing these two fine actors is a brilliant and obvious choice. I think they should start with a buddy-cop movie or two, and then move on to a series of “Road…” movies like Bing Crosby and Bob Hope did. After that, maybe a remake of Freebie and the Bean but set it in outer space.

The films would be great no matter what they’re about. They could be about anything because, as their extensive careers show, David Keith and Keith David can do anything. But it won’t happen if we don’t make it happen. Hollywood is notoriously out of touch with what the audience really wants and, in this case, the audience really wants Keith David and David Keith together in a single package. Over and over again.
So we have to tell Hollywood. Over and over again, and eventually they will get the message.
Start letter-writing campaigns and email campaigns and Facebook groups and MySpace whatevers and get the word out there. If enough people demand it, it will happen.

And it will be awesome!

BuzzNet Tags: David Keith,Keith David,Spork

YET MORE HEADLINES for Wednesday, February 10, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 15:06:00 +0000

HEADLINES: THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH ORAL SEX?

OR… THE RESULT OF TOO LITTLE ORAL SEX?

Blah blah blah… witty opening, witty opening continues, sudden TWIST hey presto.
Which can only mean…
IT’S TIME TO HAVE FUN WITH HEADLINES!!!!!!

VANCOUVER PROTESTERS FORCE HARPER TO SCRAP APPEARANCE

SURPRISE TWIST: HARPER’S ONE MAN SHOW “THE ACCOUNTANT WHO ROARED” PERFORMED IN AN AUTOMOTIVE WRECKER’S YARD IS A SMASH HIT!

FORCES IN 'SHOCK' OVER COLONEL'S ARREST

…EXCEPT FOR WIND… AND GRAVITY. THEY BOTH SAW IT COMING.

Or…

CHICKENS FROM KENTUCKY DECLARE: “IT’S ABOUT FREAKIN’ TIME!”

N.L. CHOPPER CRASH WIDOW ASSAILS COMPANIES

CSIS WON'T OPEN FULL TOMMY DOUGLAS FILE

CBS WON’T RELEASE FULL THOMAS MAGNUM FILE

CBC CONTINUES TO IMPRISON TOMMY HUNTER. NOT A FILE. THE ACTUAL TOMMY HUNTER.

SASK. FINANCE MINISTER HAS PARKINSON'S

HAS PARK IN SON’S… WHAT?

CALGARY MED STUDENTS VOLUNTEER AT HOMELESS SHELTER

MORTALITY RATE AT CALGARY HOSPITAL SOARS AS UNWIELDY MOB OF DISPLACED HOMELESS DRUNKS AND JUNKIES DIAGNOSE PATIENTS, DISPENSE PHARMACEUTICALS AND PERFORM SURGERY

WINNIPEG THIEF TARGETS OLYMPIANS' VAN

ZEUS LAUGHS BRIEFLY BEFORE TARGETING STUPID THIEF’S ASS WITH LIGHTNING BOLT.

ETHICAL-SEALING PLEDGE COULD LIFT EU BAN: SENATOR

UNETHICAL FLOOR POLISH COULD CAUSE EU TO SLIP ON FLOOR: JANITOR.

CALGARY UNDERGROUND TATTOO PARLOURS CLOSED

…TURNS OUT PEOPLE WHO LIKE TATTOOS ARE CRAP AT TUNNELLING.

SNOW BLANKETS SOUTH-WESTERN ONTARIO

UH… RAIN TOWELS NORTH-EASTERN MANITOBA?

SLAIN WOMAN IN COLONEL CASE REMEMBERED

…REMEMBERED WHAT!?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT!!!

HULA HOOP SHORTAGE DUE TO OLYMPIC FEVER

YOYO SHORTAGE DUE TO SWOLLEN… AH WHO’S KIDDING WHO? THERE’S NEVER GOING TO BE A YOYO SHORTAGE.

N.L. HOCKEY COACH CHARGED WITH SEX ASSAULT

WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?! OH WAIT. I MEAN SOMEONE ELSE!!! ANYONE ELSE???
NO WAIT. NOT YOU PRIESTS!

OLYMPIC TORCH LIGHTS UP VANCOUVER'S NORTH SHORE

OLYMPIC FIRE EXTINGUISHER BARELY ARRIVES IN TIME.

N.L. BRIDGE SECTION COLLAPSES INTO SALMON RIVER

IN A RETALIATORY MOVE SALMON BUILD NEW SCHOOL IN ITS PLACE.

SERIOUS ALLERGY REACTION WORRIES N.L. SCHOOL

DOCTORS REASSURE SCHOOL THAT BUILDINGS CAN’T ACTUALLY HAVE ALLERGIES.

CELL PHONE DRIVING BAN NEEDS TO GO FURTHER: CAA

OH COME ON!!! WE CAN’T EVEN DRIVE CELL PHONES NOW!!!
HOW THE HELL CAN YOU BAN THAT MORE!?!

AIR CANADA TO SUE FOR TORONTO ISLAND RETURN

TORONTO ISLAND SAYS IT’S “NOT COMING BACK UNTIL AIR CANADA APOLOGIZES FOR SLEEPING WITH THAT TRASHY ‘VIRGIN’ AIRBUS”.

PREPARE FOR RISING SEA LEVELS, HALIFAX TOLD

SUGGESTIONS INCLUDE WATER WINGS, SURFBOARD TRANSIT SYSTEM & LEARNING TO HOLD THEIR BREATH FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

QUEBEC LEGISLATORS DEBATE DEFICIT, ETHICS

WHAT DEBATE? IS ANYONE ACTUALLY ARGUING THAT THERE ISN’T A DEFICIT OF ETHICS? I MEAN… THEY’RE POLITICIANS FOR GOD’S SAKE!

VANCOUVER TAP WATER VIES WITH OLYMPIC SPONSOR

OLYMPIC SPONSOR OBJECTS TO BEING USED TO TAP THINGS

AND WHAT THE HECK “VIES” ARE.

EXPLOSIVE CHEMICALS NOT STOLEN AFTER ALL: RCMP

TURNS OUT THEY WERE RIGHT WHERE THEY SHOULD BE… IN THE CENTRE OF THAT GIGANTIC SMOKING HOLE OVER THERE.

OLYMPIC SPIRIT WILL LAUNCH B.C. REFORMS: THRONE SPEECH

SO… THE DEAD HAVE RISEN, THEY’RE REFORMERS AND THEY WON’T SHUT UP!

TORIES NEED PLAN FOR ISOTOPE SHORTAGE: IGNATIEFF

I THINK THEY’RE CONFUSING THE FACT THAT IGNATIEFF MAKES PEOPLE SICK WITH HIM BEING RADIOACTIVE.

BOOST FUNDING FOR FAMILY AT ER INQUEST: JUDGE

IF THEY WANT MORE CASH LET KING OF THE HILL PAY FOR IT: CLOONEY.

HOARDER'S HOME BOARDED UP

HOARDER THRILLED THAT SHE CAN NOW STACK CRAP AGAINST THE WINDOWS.

CARGO SHIP FREED IN ST. LAWRENCE RIVER

THAT’S NEWS? OKAY FINE. SAILBOAT JACK’S BOAT ALSO IN ST. LAWRENCE RIVER.

OWN THE PODIUM TO GET NO EXTRA FUNDING

UH… I THINK I’D RATHER OWN THE PODIUM TO GET EXTRA FUNDING. WOULDN’T YOU?

CRASH BY WINDSOR CLOSES HWY. 401 WESTBOUND

PERHAPS THE CITY SHOULDN’T DRIVE DRUNK.

TIM HORTON’S DEFENDS CUSTOMER BAN

SO… THEY DON’T WANT CUSTOMERS.

ANOTHER N.L. CHOPPER CRASH INEVITABLE: UNION

OKAY THAT’S IT! UNION? YOU’RE FIRED!!!

RED TAPE DELAYS HAITIAN RELIEF VOLUNTEERS

MAY WE SUGGEST SCISSORS?

APRIL WINE ADDED TO CANADIAN HALL OF FAME

HALL OF FAME CRASHES INTO WAYWARD CITY OF WINDSOR.

NORTEL STRIKES DEAL ON PENSIONS, DISABILITY

WHAT A SHITTY DEAL. “HERE, HAVE ALL THE DISABILITY YOU WANT.” WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, February 1, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:26:00 +0000

A VERY SPECIAL “STATE OF THE UNION” ISSUE

STATE OF THE NATION OF STATES

WASHINGTON – On Wednesday the 27th, President Barak “Hi Say” Obama stood in front of a joint session of Congress to deliver his first State of the Union Address. During the almost hour long speech Obama addressed job creation and Federal Deficit reduction, although some were upset that he did not address the …

… OH MY GOD Samantha Harris is leaving Dancing with the Stars!!!! What are we gonna do now? Why isn’t someone doing something about this?? This is the WORST THING TO HAPPEN EVER!!!!!!!

… after which he tried to solve a Rubics Cube while singing the love theme to Saint Elmo’s Fire.
So a successful night overall for the President.

I’M LOOKING AT THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles prosecutors announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, the Doctor at the heart of the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, will turn himself in on Wednesday the 3rd to face charges in Jackson’s death.
Finally we will begin to get some answers

THE FACE OF BO

INDIA – The last speaker of an ancient language in India's Andaman Islands has died at the age of about 85. the death of Boa Sr was highly significant because one of the world's oldest languages - Bo - had come to an end
And so in celebration of you, Boa Sr, I would like to say in your native language … but I can’t.
So there.

IT DON’T MATTER IF YOU’RE BLACK OR WHITE

LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles prosecutors announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, the Doctor at the heart of the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, will turn himself in on Thursday the 4th to face charges in Jackson’s death.
Finally we will begin to get some answers

WHEN A SOMETHING MEETS A SOMEONE COMING SOMETHING SOMETHING

CORNISH, N.H. - Reclusive author of the book The Catcher in the Rye J.D. Salinger died this week at the age of 91.
Much like the author, his funeral will be a private affair that is far too long, full of itself and boring as hell. And much like his famous novel, many people will have claimed to have not only been to the funeral, but stayed until the end and make sure everyone knows that the funeral changed their lives.
Finger sandwiches will be served.

AGAINST THE WALL

LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles prosecutors announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, the Doctor at the heart of the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, will turn himself in on Friday the 4th to face charges in Jackson’s death.
Finally we answers to will begin get some.

GAGA? I HARDLY KNOW HER!

The music industry celebrated itself with the awarding of the 2010 Grammy Awards. The ceremony, held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, featured appearances from such notable music artists as Lady Gaga, Neil Young and someone named Snooki.
CPFOG is proud to present a short list of notable Grammy winners.
- Lady Gaga won for “best dance recording by a person who may or may not have both sex organs. “ - Neil Young won the “He’s close enough to death that we might as well throw him a bone” award.
- The “Way to sell out in the worst way possible” award went to Green Day for being Green Day.
- “Best New Artist” went to some band you’ve never heard of before, and there is a huge chance you will never hear of them again.

INSERT RANDOM MICHAEL JACKSON LYRIC

LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles prosecutors announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, the Doctor at the heart of the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, will turn himself in on Monday the 8th to face charges in Jackson’s death.
For Christ's sake, just shoot the man already.

OH WHEN THE SAINTS …

SOUTH FLORIDA - Congratulations go out to the New Orleans Saints Football team for winning the Super bowl. For those who don’t know, the Super bowl is a game where a bunch of men in tight pants run around getting sweaty, tackling and rolling around with each other, and at the end they slap each other on their rear ends.
The game was watched by an estimated 100 Million majorly heterosexual men worldwide.

CPFOG the Blog is:
Written by – Gord Gardiner
Proofread by – Jenifer Gardiner

BuzzNet Tags: Football,Super bowl,Obama,Lady Gaga,Snookie,Michael Jackson

VISION IS OPTIONAL for Friday, January 29, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:56:00 +0000

VISION IS OPTIONAL, APPARENTLY

Headlights are way out of control.
Seriously.
People don’t understand how to use headlights anymore. If they’re driving and it gets dark outside or rains or gets a little bit overcast or if the sun goes behind a cloud for a few seconds, people think that they are legally obligated to flip on their high beams.
For safety.
Because the highway will be so much safer if the guy in front of you is suddenly blinded.
And if it’s not the high beam morons, it the stupid road weasels with their after-market fifty billion candle-watt halogen headlights. I mean, life is stressful enough, right? But I try to drive safely. I’m willing to make the effort to try not to actually kill any of the utter meat sacks that I have to share the road with. And I glance in my rear view mirror, as a safe driver should, and boom, I think I’m having a stroke. There’s this intense pain behind my eyes and I can smell something burning.
Turns out it’s the smoke wafting up from my burning retinas because Needle Nuts McGee back there thinks that, while driving on the highway, I might have a sudden desire to cast shadow puppets on the freaking moon and he’s just trying to be helpful.
So, my vision slowly returns, just in time to see some moron on my right, who’s doing a steady ten klicks slower than everyone else, decide that he urgently needs to be in the express lanes. He veers across three lanes of traffic, which is moving faster than him, remember, so that he can get on the transfer ramp about fifty metres after the solid white, do-not-cross “V” that divided the lanes.
Nearly kills forty-seven people to get over there.
They just call them express lanes, buddy! It doesn’t actually mean anything! And you’re going slower than everyone else on the whole freaking planet, anyway, so you’re obviously not in a hurry. You’re just stupid.
I spend a lot of time driving. I’ve seen all sorts of stupid drivers, bad drivers, nervous drivers and life-long pedestrians who have no business getting behind the wheel of a car in the first place.
I’ve noticed a few interesting patterns with different types of drivers. It helps me decide which cars to not be behind or to avoid completely.
One thing I’ve noticed, and you’re more than welcome to disagree with me on this, it’s just my opinion - which happens to be right - but I’ve found that, on average, people with religious bumper stickers, people who firmly believe that travelling at ninety to a hundred kilometres an hour in a two ton steel killing machine is the appropriate time to share their views on faith with total strangers who are also travelling at a hundred kilometres an hour in their own two ton killing machines, these people, on average, are really bad drivers.
As near as I can tell, they seem to feel that their total faith in God gives them an excuse not to actually accept responsibility for anything that happens.
“It’s God’s will.”
“God will get me safely to my destination.”
“God is my co-pilot.”
Well, for Christ’s sake, would one of you grab the freaking wheel?

HAPPY 2010, YEAH RIGHT! for Wednesday, January 27, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:34:00 +0000

HAPPY 2010 …YEAH RIGHT!

Hello Children.
It’s been awhile. Did you miss your Uncle Hornbeck?
Of course you didn’t.
Nobody misses anybody anymore. Now that we can phone, fax, email, tweet (twit, twat, twoot… whatever), or text anyone anywhere 24/7 no one needs to miss anyone anymore.
They don’t even have to miss people they should be missing. People they haven’t seen in weeks, months years because they felt “in touch” all along.
But that’s okay. I appreciate the sentiment that you never had but are hearing about because you’ve stumbled into this little corner where the dust-bunnies of irritation gather.
And good news… this’ll be one of my more succinct tirades.
It is, however, on a familiar theme… the slovenly use of language which is “dumbifying” each generation to be “more stupider” than the previous.
If this keeps up the children being spawned today won’t be able to name what a “shoelace” is, let alone tie one until they’re in their 40’s… if EVER!
What do I mean? Well, it’s like this…
There’s been a commercial running round these parts (Toronto, Canada for those of you hopelessly lost on the interweb) for Teflon windshield wiper blades.
(I won’t name the company because I’ve never heard their name over the grinding of my own teeth at the end of the ad.)
A woman is talking about how her favourite channel is the Weather Channel. She watches it all the time.
The visuals depict her watching TV at all hours of the day/night, devouring popcorn, presumably transfixed by this Weather Channel of which she speaks.
She then tells how she had to drive her son somewhere, even though she knew it was winter and her windshield wiper blades needed replacing.
But… she felt confident driving because after all “the Weather Channel said there was only a 5% chance of snow.”
And then she says…
(Brace yourselves O’ Ye Brethren of Blood-Pressure Induced Fits of Murderous Rage)
She says… “Of course, they were wrong.”
Did you hear that!?! “THEY were WRONG”!!
REALLY. REALLY?
Were they? Or is she just the sort of imbecile who is being allowed to decimate the human race with her contributions of BOTH sides of the nature/nurture debate?
You see, fictitious advertising construct, “THEY” weren’t “WRONG”. You are simply a retard.
A 5% chance of snow is a prediction ---based on highly variable factors--- estimates that the likelihood that there WILL be snow is, at the time of prediction 5%.
So NO, fictitious construct. “THEY” weren’t “WRONG”.
They predicted a 5% probability and you ended up landing within that probability outcome.
If I predict that it isn’t likely to snow tomorrow, and then it does… that doesn’t make me WRONG! You can’t be RIGHT or WRONG, which are absolute values, about a conditional statement.
FULL STOP.
Next time, fictitious construct, advertising company and corporate client, why don’t you PAY ATTENTION to the copy written by whatever twenty-something moron?
You might just prevent the premature demise of the human race.
Won’t somebody think of the children?

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, January 25, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Gord) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 21:28:00 +0000

A VERY SPECIAL “IHUMOR“ ISSUE

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

WASHINGTON – In what some call “Digital history”, President Barak “Husain-what?” Obama became the first commander-in-chief to “tweet” when he posted his first message to the social networking site Twitter.
On January 19 Obama tweeted the message “Is this how you do this? Am I doing it right? Wussap!” Two minutes later he added his second message “OMG the Jonas Brothers rule!!! lol”

DICTIONARY BLUES

OTTAWA - Thousands of Canadians took to the streets this weekend, opposed to Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s prorogation of Parliament. The protests were peaceful until someone asked what “prorogation” meant and everyone just freaked out.
Meanwhile the leaders of the opposition, Michael Ignatieff (Liberal) and Jack Layton (NDP) acted as if they could do something about it, which I think is just adorable.
Who’s a good leader of the opposition? You’re a good leader of the opposition?

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH

SOME COTTAGE SOMEWHERE – Meanwhile Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the rebuilding of earthquake ravaged Haiti would take at least a decade and that “Canada must commit to Haiti in the long term … sometime … later … not right now. You know it’s not like they aren’t going to still need help in a few weeks.”
He then poured himself another mai-tai.
It’s good to be the Prime Minister

NOT LIKE I HAVE A CHANCE

HOLLYWOOD – News out of Hollywood says that movie power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may or may not have broken up. According to many outlets, the couple have or have not come to an agreement over a separation and that Jolie will or will not retain full time possession over the couples many children.
The potential separation rumours did or did not begin when a tabloid magazine announced that Jolie possibly, but possibly not had an affair with a language coach on the set of her new movie, and that the golden couple have or have not seen divorce lawyers in order to split their fortune, which is or is not rumoured to be in the $350 million range.
Man, I’m getting tired just trying to keep up.

THIS JUST IN … STOP THE PRESSES … THIS JUST IN

HOLLYWOOD – It has been confirmed that Angelina Jolie is indeed seeing someone, who has replaced Brad Pitt in her life. So congratulations to new power couple Angeline Jolie and Jay Leno.
Man, is there anything he won’t break up?

IDon’t Know

Computer and cool gizmo maker Apple is going to hold a news conference on Wednesday to announce a new technology they have created. While there is no official word as to what they might be announcing, most Apple watchers seem to agree that the item will be the long awaited “IReality.”
“IReality” is rumoured to be an application that is much like real life, but cooler, with a snazzy case and the ability to download such apps as “IFood”, “IGirlfriend” and the much anticipated “ISexual Encounter.”
Critics, though, say that this new “IReality” is nothing more than regular reality in an new case with a nice pair of headphones, but Apple fans still wait with anticipation for what will, no doubt, make Steve jobs a lot richer.

CPFOG the Blog is:
Gord Gardiner – IWriter
Jen Gardiner - IProofreader

IT MEANS TO DELAY. WHY THEY CAN’T JUST SAY DELAY IS BEYOND ME

BuzzNet Tags: Obama,Stephen Harper,Jack layton,Michael Ignatieff,Brad Pitt,Angelina Jolie,Jay Leno,Apple Computers

CPFOG the blog

Random Thoughts About Random Things or My Lazy Ass Blog Post

It's Winter, Stop Complaining Already

App Attack and Other Non-Original Headlines

The TV Dilemma or How I learned To Stop Worrying and Hate Two and aHalf Men

The Christmas Hangover

T.G.A. FRIDAY for Friday, April 16, 2010

GEEK THURSDAY for Thursday, April 8, 2010

T.G.A. Friday for Friday, April 2, 2010

HUMP DAY REPORT for Wednesday, March 31, 2010

DUMBERER AND DUMBERER STILL…

TOP FIVE TUESDAY for Tuesday, March 23, 2010

T.G.A. FRIDAY for Friday, March 19, 2010

HUMP DAY REPORT for Wednesday, March 17, 2010

PEOPLE ARE GETTING DUMBERER AND DUMBERER…

BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!

COUGARS ARE ON THE PROWL

AS STUPIDITY GETS COYOTE UGLY IN T.O. !

GEEK THURSDAY for Thursday, March 11, 2010

A SPECIAL MONDAY HUMP DAY REPORT for Monday, March 1 , 2010

THE OLYMPICS WERE ON!

THE OLYMPICS WERE ON!

HEY EVERYBODY THE OLYMPICS WERE ON!

T.GROOVY ARGALL FRIDAY for Friday, February 26, 2010

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, February 22, 2010

TOP FIVE THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM THE MAURY SHOW for Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, February 15, 2010

KEITH DAVID & DAVID KEITH, TOGETHER AGAIN ... for Friday, February 12, 2010

YET MORE HEADLINES for Wednesday, February 10, 2010

HEADLINES: THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH ORAL SEX?

OR… THE RESULT OF TOO LITTLE ORAL SEX?

…EXCEPT FOR WIND… AND GRAVITY. THEY BOTH SAW IT COMING.

CHICKENS FROM KENTUCKY DECLARE: “IT’S ABOUT FREAKIN’ TIME!”

CBS WON’T RELEASE FULL THOMAS MAGNUM FILE

HAS PARK IN SON’S… WHAT?

UNETHICAL FLOOR POLISH COULD CAUSE EU TO SLIP ON FLOOR: JANITOR.

UH… RAIN TOWELS NORTH-EASTERN MANITOBA?

OLYMPIC FIRE EXTINGUISHER BARELY ARRIVES IN TIME.

IN A RETALIATORY MOVE SALMON BUILD NEW SCHOOL IN ITS PLACE.

OLYMPIC SPONSOR OBJECTS TO BEING USED TO TAP THINGS

IF THEY WANT MORE CASH LET KING OF THE HILL PAY FOR IT: CLOONEY.

PERHAPS THE CITY SHOULDN’T DRIVE DRUNK.

SO… THEY DON’T WANT CUSTOMERS.

HALL OF FAME CRASHES INTO WAYWARD CITY OF WINDSOR.

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, February 1, 2010

TOP FIVE LOST QUESTIONS WE’VE FORGOTTEN for Tuesday, February 2, 2010

VISION IS OPTIONAL for Friday, January 29, 2010

HAPPY 2010, YEAH RIGHT! for Wednesday, January 27, 2010

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, January 25, 2010