The CyberPlainsmen Underground Newswire

LHS REMEMBERS BLACK HISTORY

2006-02-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

In celebration of Black History Month, LHS has decided to try out indentured servitude of its students.

At this years LHS Honors Recgnition the Bakery Skills classes will be delighted to serve entrees and other delicous treats whether or not they are willed to do so.

The Honors Rocgnition Ceremon recognizes students' outstanding academic acheivement. Sophomores, juniors, and seniors must have maintained a 3.5 or better GPA to be recgonized for awesome-tude.

Thus, the bakery classes will play role of slave cooks to the aristrocratic smarty-pants type kids, who will be taking the role of the elite.

Robet Schimek, bakery instructor, stated, "Its really imporant we force theses kids against their will to cook for other people, using ingredients bought for teaching."

This teaching philosophy is folowed to the tee. Schimek has her students cater dishes for faculty meetings and buisness engagements.

One of the students involved was found preparing cucumbers for the event that will happen on April 3rd. When asked if they had an opinion on the method of teaching, Riley Urbanski said, "No, mas'a."

The Honors cermony is sure to go off well, celebrating all those students who managed to get "A"s in pottery and weightlifting, a truly difficult and demanding class load.

BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN SLACKERS...

2006-01-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

Mike and I decided to publish a couple of shorts. You can find them below. Leave a comment, say hi, or otherwise just enjoy.

Included titles are:
--HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS MARRY AT MCDONALDS
--TEACHER UNABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL, LOOKING FOR WHATEVER IS BEEPING
--FRENCH TEACHER FORCES STUDENT TO SPEAK IN FRENCH

--Joshua

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS MARRY AT MCDONALDS

2006-01-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Call it a McMarriage. A couple from LHS actually tied the knot in a Mcdonald's drive-thru.

It looked like a regular fast food run at first - at least, until the priest showed up.

Through the same window all those Happy Meals pass, the groom took the hand of his fiance like a hungry man looking for a Big Mac.

The two LHS seniors had there very first lunch together three years earlier at the drive through, and in a white-trash romance announced their engagement at the order microphone, and tied the knot at the pick-up window.

Amid sobs from the boys mother, a hail of french fires replacd traditional throws of rice.

The culmanation of the event was when the newlywed wife tossed a cheeseburger bouqet back to the crowd.

TEACHER UNABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL, LOOKING FOR WHATEVER IS BEEPING

2006-01-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Meaghan Gibson, LHS Social Stuides teacher, has spent 20 minutes searching her apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes.

"Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Gibson, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward her entertainment center.

"God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?"

At press time, Gibson was on her hands and knees, unplugging her appliances one by one.

FRENCH TEACHER FORCES STUDENT TO SPEAK IN FRENCH

2006-01-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Jenny Block, a LHS tenth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Mrs. Kirkwood about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French.

"En français," Kirkwood told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il y a un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?"

Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

Half of an hour later, only 6 students had suffered from serious burns.

CELL PHONE LOST, FOUND, ALL IN THRILLING FOUR-MINUTE PERIOD

2005-12-25T10:00:00.012-07:00

Emotions quickly changed from panic to joy for Laramie High senior Lauren Jenkins when she lost, searched for, and found her Nokia 6230 Verizon Wireless cell phone Tuesday.

"All of a sudden, my phone was gone!" said Jenkins, 17, who was headed for her second block AP Lit class when she realized the cell phone was no longer in her right pants pocket. "I was like, 'Omigod!' I looked through my coat and dug through my entire backpack, but it wasn't anywhere."

By the time Jenkins failed her search of the backpack, 48 seconds had passed.

"My heart was racing," Jenkins said. "I mentally went through all of the places I'd been since leaving my last class: the bathroom on the second floor, the bench out in front of the Main Office, by the vending machines where I saw my friend Julliane."

Continued Jenkins: "I stopped right there in the middle of the sidewalk for a few seconds, took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and tried to think. That's when I remembered taking it out to see what time it was when I was at school cafeteria!"

Scanning the ground for any sign of her small, silver camera-phone as she walked, Jenkins retraced the 350 feet back to the cafeteria.

"All the way, I was visualizing the hours it would take to enter all my phone numbers into a new phone," Jenkins said. "And that's for the ones I remember. A lot of the numbers would be, like, totally gone forever."

Jenkins added that she hadn't "even wanted to think about" all the ring tones and camera-phone photos she'd lose.

With the search entering its second minute, Jenkins went into the cafeteria, where she said she saw the dirty plate and glass she'd left in the dish tray a few minutes before, after consuming a bannana smoothie and a poppy-seed bagel.

As the search dragged on into its 200th second, Jenkins said she continued to consider the magnitude of the hassle that a lost cell phone would create.

"I knew I wouldn't have time to shop for a new phone until the weekend, so I'd be phoneless for a few days," Jenkins said. "Also, I'd been considering whether to switch from Verizon Wireless to another carrier, but I really didn't want to have to rush that decision."

Jenkins went to the table where she'd been sitting, tapped the shoulder of one of the two females seated there, and asked permission to look around for her phone.

"Oh, is that it?" the woman said, and Jenkins spotted her familiar silver phone under a chair.

"I was like, 'Yes!'" Jenkins said. "Every ounce of stress drained from my body."

According to her, it was only when she located the cell phone that she noticed her clenched teeth, tensed neck muscles, and sweaty palms.

"I let all that tension go," Jenkins, "It was a magical feeling."

Jenkins slipped into a bean bag chair in Nicole Elder's room and tried to catch her breath. Slumped in her seat, she said she scanned the faces of her classmates as they leafed through notebooks, chatted, and laughed.

"The other students had no idea what I'd just been through," Jenkinsz said. "It was such a relief when Ms. Elder started class, so I could zone out and try to forget the whole thing."

----------------------------------------------

Happy Holidays, folks.

GUMMI BEARS BANNED, DEEMED 'TOO VIOLENT'

2005-12-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today, the administration officially banned any form of “gummy bear or gummy animals” from LHS.

The latest in a rather large series of bans comes from the office of Mr. Handley after seeing a report on teenage violence and aggression.

“The report said that kids actually get more aggressive from playing with toy weapons and beating up stuffed animals,” Mr. Handley explained, “it just made sense that the same could be said about horribly mutilating food animals, and I will not stand for any aggression in my hallways.”

The ban has been praised by quasi-PETA, the organization dedicated to the quasi-ethical treatment of quasi-animal like things. According to a quasi-PETA press release, the ban is getting a quasi-step closer to respecting all quasi-animal like items.

“The administration of LHS has made a quasi-courageous move and is quasi-helping restore the quasi-reverence that should be paid to quasi-animal like things.”

When asked why the administration is making all these nonsensical bans, Mr. Sorenson responded, “Why not? Who is going to stop us? You? HA!”

According to an unnamed administrative assistant, “They’re at it again.”

QUIDDITCH LOVER SAVAGELY BEATEN IN CAFETERIA

2005-11-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

A frail, unpopular fifteen-year old male sophomore was brutally beaten yesterday by other children at LHS cafeteria yesterday.

The pummeling came after the boy proudly stated to all who could hear that is favorite sport is “quidditch” – the made-up game played by Harry Potter in the popular J.K. Rowling book series.

The child, Robby Lyman – an honor role student who was known to dress up like Potter, was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. He will be buried on Friday, surrounded for eternity by his beloved Harry Potter books.

Quidditch is a fictional airborne ballgame played on broomsticks, and the most popular “sport” of the wizard world. Potter plays for a team from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy and quidditch action is featured again prominently in the sixth book of the series: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” which was released July 16th.

Police say Lyman was simply contributing his two cents to cafeteria conversation that centered on what sports the students were going to compete in, when he was attacked.

“Children were saying what their favorites were,” said Sgt. Eugene Myers. “Most were saying football or baseball. Some basketball or hockey or lacrosse or soccer.

Student Jesse Kiedle quotes Lyman as saying completely seriously, "My favorite sport is quidditch. It is played by Harry Potter and other wizards at the Hogwarts School and I want to be a wizard one day and compete professionally alongside Harry. It is my heart’s desire."

The nerdiness and dorkosity of that statement so overwhelmed the other children that after a moment of stunned silence, they suddenly sprang up as one and began raining their fists down upon him.

The boy was so bludgeoned in the attack that he was barely recognizable. His circular glasses smashed and cut his face and then were shoved down his throat. He was brutally bruised and bloodied over his entire torso when the children pulled a broomstick from a nearby janitor closet and beat him with it. He was split in half all the way up to his rib cage thanks to receiving wedgie after wedgie during the five-minute attack.

“I’ve seen some nerd-bashing in my 16 years on the teaching staff, but this takes the cake,” said teacher Brad Helter. “The poor little sophomore never even had a chance. He didn’t even fight back. He just yelled out spells. Obviously, they didn’t work. I’m guessing his last thoughts may have been him realizing that Harry Potter doesn’t actually exist.”

Police expect to bring charges against the more than two dozen children who are thought to have been in on the attack. But it is expected that most will be charged only with low level juvenile misdemeanors.

“No one wants to ruin these kids lives because they had a violent response to a complete nerd behaving at the height of nerdness,” said Sgt. Myers, apolicemen that was on the scene. “It’s a natural human reaction. Sure, it got out of hand, but come on – the friggin’ kid actually thought quidditch is a real sport.”

NERD'S PARENTS AFRAID SON WILL FALL IN WITH POPULAR CROWD

2005-11-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lawrence and Marcia Sprouse expressed concern Monday that their 15-year-old son Adam, after years of being a social outcast, is in danger of falling in with the popular crowd at LHS.

"All the signs point to him getting involved with the popular kids," Marcia said. "The last few Saturday nights, instead of staying home and watching a movie, he's been out at parties. He's also been hanging around this boy who's on the school baseball team. Parties, hanging out with jocks—what's become of my baby boy?"

Primary among the Sprouses' worries is the prospect of Adam being exposed to drugs and alcohol.

"I'm not naïve about what goes on with these kids who aren't in the AP classes," Marcia said. "They stay up late, laughing and drinking beer and socializing without any parental supervision. Sometimes, they even experiment with pot. I just hope this socializing phase passes, and that Adam will soon be back to hanging out in the basement playing Risk with his old friends."

The Sprouses' sense of alarm grew when Adam, who almost exclusively wore T-shirts and slacks, began taking a greater interest in his appearance.

"The last time we went shopping, he asked for designer jeans," Marcia said. "When I got upset, he said all the kids at school wore designer jeans and that it wasn't a big deal. Well, peer pressure may not be a big deal to him, but it is to me. He won't even let me cut his hair because I 'do it dorky.' The next thing you know, he's going to be cutting out of those advanced-calculus classes he's been taking at the community college and joining a fraternity."

"It seems like only yesterday, our little Adam would stay in his room all day reading comic books and playing with his computer," Marcia continued. "Now, he'll try almost anything. Where did we go wrong?"

(In addition, CPUG news applogises for the delay for new stories, we are working to correct these problems)

ADMINISTRATION BANS THE TUBE TOP

2005-10-19T10:00:00.000-06:00

The popular female attire known as the “tube top” has been banned within the halls of LHS.

Principal Kim Sorenson announced the latest in a long series of bans last Tuesday. In that announcement, Mr. Sorenson explained that “the tube top is evil and mean, in bad taste, it is funny looking; strapless and skintight. That is why I am banning the tube top today.”

When asked how he could justify the statements condemning tube tops, Sorenson explained that this information came from a high official, possibly even a super attendant.

But according to Arron Barttlet, Ska enthusiast, this latest ban is just a colossal misunderstanding.

“My friends and I wanted to play some new music on the SEB announcement channel,” Arron explained, “Just about any kind of music is better then what they typically play, But what we really wanted was some good Ska, such as Reel Big Fish, Mad Caddies, and Goldfinger.”

“But we were told we had to submit the lyrics to Mr. Sorenson for approval, “Arron further explained, “he must have ignored where the paper came from, and mistook the song lyrics from Reel Big Fish’s ‘Ban the Tube Top’ too literally.”

After extensive comparison between the lyrics of the song, and the announcement made by Mr. Sorenson, they were found to be almost identical, but Mr. Sorenson’s was slightly less catchy.

Mr. Sorenson was unable to be reached for further comments, but according to his secretary, the ban will stay in place, seeing as no one could wear tube tops in Laramie if they wanted to.

TWO SENIORS CHARGED WITH HAMBURGLARY

2005-10-17T22:00:00.000-06:00

Did they want fries with that? Two men were charged with burglary after they allegedly broke into a Burger King restaurant and tried to steal food.

Michael Eugene and Carl Walker, both 18, walked up to the restaurant's drive-through window late yesterday evening and asked for any unsold food the restaurant planned to throw away, Laramie said policemen Sgt. Brad Wnuk.

When Burger King employees told them the restaurant was closed, one of the men allegedly pried open the window and climbed at least part of the way into the restaurant, where workers called 911 and fled into the kitchen.

"The employees were afraid they would be robbed," Wnuk said.

The two were arrested shortly after the incident, and denied any involvement, according to court documents.

STORY UPDATE: SCHOOL NO LONGER IN DANGER OF BEING SOLD

2005-10-05T10:00:00.000-06:00

Laramie High school is no longer in danger of being sold on Ebay after failing to get any bids.

The school was listed for sale on the popular online auctions website for a meager five thousand dollars, but no bids were placed on the building, though a number of interested parties considered it.

McDonalds executive Lary Grant said that at one point they had considered buying the building. “I mean imagine it! McStudents! Brilliant!” Mr. Grant said. But McDonalds decided that their money would be better placed in a new slogan to replace the dragging “I’m lovin’ it”.

Also CPUG news mulled over buying the ageing school, enabling the fine news source to become the “official” Cyber Plainsman, and firing the current cyber plainsmen staff. “We could have done it, but we decided that we, as ethical journalists and editors, just didn’t want to be associated with that… thing,” Editor of the cyber plainsmen underground Joshua Skinner said.

So the administration is stuck with the school once again. What new and diabolical plots could they have in store for the unsuspecting (except the CPUG staff and readers) students of LHS? Only they know, though according to the unnamed administration assistant, “It has something to do with walking backwards.”

ROTH TO HAVE SURGURY

2005-10-03T10:00:00.000-06:00

Journalism and newspaper teacher Mr. Roth is going in for surgery early next week to fix his extreme case of ‘facialis disperplexia’.

The rare and disfiguring condition affects those who have been in a teaching or public service job where they must try to be humorous. ‘Facialis disperplexia’ inhibits the victims’ ability to match their facial expressions with what they are saying.

In the case of Mr. Roth this has become quite evident the past few weeks. Trying to say a joke he scowls at the entire class, and when talking about the quite serious death of a well-known person, the class breaks out in laughter.

“I’ve known about it for quite some time, but I didn’t think that it had become such an issue. But since the beginning of this new school year it has just gotten wore. I finally had to admit to my classes that I was going to buy signs that would say whether I was joking or being serious.”

These signs were a good temporary solution but were unable to convey a wide array of emotions including anger and fear. “I was yelling at a journalism student about how he shouldn’t touch the computer, but the best sign I had for the conversation was ‘applause’.

The surgery is expected to be routine and Mr. Roth is anticipated to make a full recovery.

JUNIOR FAILS TO FORWARD CHAIN LETTER, HAS VERY VERY BAD LUCK

2005-09-30T10:00:00.000-06:00

Investigations into the disappearance of LHS junior, Damien Barret, led police to his computer where they discovered several chain letter e-mails neglected and unforwarded.

The police discovery led searchers to look into Barret’s past for any signs of bad luck that could be caused by such careless disregard for chain letters.

Barret’s medical records show that he has had 87,345 heart attacks, and that he suffered from incurable cancer known to doctors as “uber-cancer of the ass.” His latest medical record showed that the cancer had moved into his prostate, and he was on hormones hoping to recover.

Barret was also run over by a school bus last year. An investigation into that incident proved that Barret was only in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that the bus driver, only called "Bob" in the record, was not at fault.

The City of Laramie public registry shows that Barret has lost 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and his Visa card has been revoked. The registry also showed Barret’s had been subject to 14 IRS investigations.

Barret’s father, Cameron Barret, commented “He did seem to be ill-fated…at airports he would always get the random screenings, never mind that one cavity search.” His dad also stated, “It seemed like nobody liked him anymore.”

In the final sentences of the police report it details Barret tried to commit suicide 459 times, but it appears he was so unlucky, he was never successful.

Police looked into Barret’s web log My Last Throes: A Chronicle of My Attempts at Death and found that, due to the unsuccessful suicide attempts, he resigned to the idea of not dying.

The blog entry was on the Wednesday, and investigators have found the mostly likely situation is that he was so unlucky, that when he finally decided to live something killed him.

In what was thought to be unrelated, a meteorite hit the Barret family’s front lawn the morning after his resignation at attempting to die.

After connecting the incidents, police have determined he was hit by a meteorite and instantly vaporized, only some cells remaining. This was evidenced by the only remaining personal effect in the crater, a note that only read, “I really hate forwarded chain mail letters.”

His mother was only available to comment, “I hope his remaining cells went on to never experience more bad luck.”

SCIENCE TEACHER TAKES FUN AND EXCITEMENT OUT OF SCIENCE

2005-09-28T10:00:00.000-06:00

LHS chemistry teacher Angie Varca has a unique talent for taking the fun and magic out of science, students of her Chemistry I class reported.

An 11-year veteran instructor, Varca teaches her students the periodic table using a standard wall-sized chart, the appropriate page in the same Houghton-Mifflin science textbook she's used since 1982, and a few minor experiments she runs by herself to save time, like magnesium’s ability to yield high amounts of light.

"As you can see from the math I assigned you last night, the element sodium combines with water in an exothermic reaction, which means it gives off heat and, in some cases, light," Varca said, doing the work at a safe distance from her fifth-period students. "Now, I'm using just a small grain of sodium, so there isn't the large flash you might get, not that you could see it in this stainless-steel bowl. But you can see the temperature go up on our thermometer here."

Varca then asked the student with the highest grade on the last weekly quiz, Mike Lendberg, to come up and read the temperature change off the thermometer.

"Mrs. Varca says science is a way of understanding how the universe works," said Lendberg. "At least she said that on the first day, right before that cannon ball thing. I've kind of tuned her out since then."

"I wonder if two-tenths of a degree is a lot," Lendberg added. "Well. Probably not."

Varca reported that she constantly battles distraction in school.

"The other day, Amy Bethke asked me how sodium can be part of salt if it is poisonous," Varca said, shaking her head. "I had to waste two minutes explaining how it has a stable bond with the element chlorine. Then, when I tried to go on, she realized chlorine was also poisonous, and said, 'Isn't that weird that two deadly elements combine to make harmless table salt?' I finally had to send her to the office to make copies just to get her to stop interrupting the class."

Added Varca: "These kids are getting worse every year. It's a wonder I get any teaching done at all."

Nearly all of Varca's students, or at least those who have chosen not to frequently skip class, have expressed dissatisfaction with her approach to science, but decided her music collection makes it all worth it.

WAR!

2005-09-26T10:00:00.000-06:00

War has broken out in the halls of LHS once again. What was thought to be a successful ceasefire has deteriorated, and the eternal struggle of hippie against hick has ignited once more.

The ceasefire was obtained with the end of the assault weapons ban, when the hippie faction realized that they would be simply out gunned. They negotiated for a ceasefire, adding that they would release the 67 cowboy and baseball hats that have been held hostage, some as far back at early ’97.

The hick delegation agreed to the simple terms and for a brief moment it was thought that a sustainable peace was obtained. But that simply was not meant to be.

One Billy-Bob Kline, a proud member of the hicks, shattered the ceasefire. On a dare, Kline walked into the secretive Amnesty international meeting. According to early reports Kline then proceeded to yell, “Those [expletive] [racial slur] [expletive] deserve to be in those [expletive] prisons.”

The room went silent, the hacky sack stopped, no one knew what would happen next. Normally peaceful, your standard hippie can be provoked into acts of great violence when presented with a differing opinion. And this was one gigantic differing opinion.

The first to act was Marry Sunflower, she charged Kline in what has become known as the ‘activist rush’. Pamphlets waving, she hoped to ‘show’ Kline the error of his ways. He reacted with your textbook ‘nerd shove down’. Then all hell broke loose.

No one can give a good account of what happened when the entire hippie force jumped Kline.

Early reports from the hospital indicate that three hippies are being treated for 4th degree wedgies and according to Dr. Stevens; Kline has “pamphlets, protest signs, and hacky sacks in places I wouldn’t believe.”

Now the halls of LHS one again are the stage for a great and terrible conflict. There have been reports that some hippies have ‘disappeared’ in retaliation for what happened to Kline, and already more then one hick shows the tell tale sign of ‘Native American rug burns’ to their arms.

Other factions in LHS are testing the waters for a possible alliance with one of the warring groups. The Jocks are expected to make a tentative alliance with the Hicks while the Goths hope to find acceptance within the hippies. The only group not making their plans known is the nerds, who have released a press statement saying, “We could totally own any of you n00bs on Halo”.

The weeks and months ahead are to be trying times for LHS, nothing is certain of the future. All that is known for now is the halls will run brown with hemp and chew.

GOOD LUCK PLAINSMEN FOOTBALL AGAINST ROCK SPRINGS

2005-09-23T10:01:00.000-06:00

This was publsihed after much harassment from "Evil Emporer Rice."

SCHOOL TO BE AUCTIONED OFF ON E-BAY

2005-09-23T10:00:00.000-06:00

In a surprise move, an administrator known only by his screen name “Kimberly_the _King” has placed Laramie High School for sale on Ebay.

It has become the norm in some states and school districts to liquidate old and unused school buildings on the popular online auction web site Ebay; the extra money is then used in the replacement building.

But, in this case, Laramie High School is still in use. The Administrator “Kimberly_the_King” has refused to respond to all forms of communication.

But according to the unnamed administrator assistant (see renumbering story) this sale was because “The students have adapted too well, all their schemes [renumbering rooms, new bell system] just were not breaking moral and spirit like they expected. They wanted to cut their losses and start anew in a place that didn’t even know the meaning of ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ ”.

Frank Alrick discovered the auction when looking for Laramie High memorabilia. “I though it was rather odd that the school was for sale while still in use” Frank commented.

“E what now?” Administrator Scott Handly responded when asked what he knew about the Ebay auction.

According the Ebay listing, the school is in “good to fair condition” and has plenty of space for whatever you would like to do. There is also a large grass field with stadium that is in “excellent condition” due to the fact that “its not used for anything worthwhile”. The only caveat is that it is the buyers’ responsibility to “remove all those pesky students”.

CPUG news will continue to follow this story as it unfolds.

NEWS UPDATE: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE BAND

2005-09-20T10:00:00.001-06:00

Apparently the band was also present at the National Anthem Day on the steps of the capital. No one noticed, nor cared.

CHOIR ACCIDENTALLY SINGS "OH, CANADA"

2005-09-20T10:00:00.000-06:00

On National Anthem Day last week the LHS choir sang beautifully, the wrong anthem.

In what appears to be a copy-room catastrophe the choir accidentally sang "Oh, Canada" on the Wyoming Capitol's steps.

The accident was traced back to a sheet music swap at the copy room inbox. Mrs. Steele, choir coordinator, accidentally gave the wrong page numbers for copying in her national anthem book 37 of your Favorite Anthems and 2 of the Worst.

Rhonda Huffsmith, business office secretary confirmed the accident, saying that the result was "quite humorous…we probably should have noted that she wanted so many copies of the Canadian song"

Governor Freudenthal commented, saying, “LHS’s rendition of ‘Oh, Canada’ was significantly better than all the other schools choral ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ ”

The Cheyenne choir instructor Ted Fludget had a tempo tantrum after what he called the “concerto grosso” was over. He claims it nearly caused a cornetti trombosis in the brass section.

Fludget continued saying, “LHS should have moved for a molto bolto.” He concluded, claiming LHS used their alternative performance only as a “status cymbal.”

[For those last two paragraphs, you either get it or you don’t. If you are confused e-mail us, we’ll explain the music theory play on words.]

NEWS EXTRA - CPUGnews DOES NOT WIN EMMY, FEELS RATHER DEPRESSED

2005-09-19T10:01:00.000-06:00

Ellen Degenerous did not call us to the stage last night, so we apologize that we couldn't thank you, the readers, at the microphone.

Apparently, they only do TV shows... shenanigans.

Arrr! Happy Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day.

NEW METHOD TEACHES BIOLOGY STUDENTS ABOUT TOIL, DEATH

2005-09-19T10:00:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Handley, Biology teacher, is using the new Playscovery Cove Ant Village, touting the ant farm as a fun, interactive way to teach children ages 15 and up about unceasing, backbreaking toil and the cold, inescapable reality of death.

"Your teenagers will have a front-row seat as worker ants labor, day in and day out, until they inevitably die of exhaustion, their futile efforts all for naught," commented Mrs. Handley.

She continued, “An Ant Village, complete with stackable tiny ant barns, see-through ‘Antway’ travel tubes, and connecting ‘Antports’ is the best window into the years of thankless, grueling labor that await them as worker drones in our post-industrial society."

Billed as "the fun way to teach your kids to accept their miserable fate stoically," on the box, the 30 new ant farms were $14.95 a piece.

"They all look and act the same," said Jenny Newark, junior, who says she will one day hopes to play the role of blue-collar worker in a society that rewards collectivism over individualism.

"It was really weird," said Jessica Lurman, sophomore. "The ants were, like, really careful to put all the dead ants in this one big grave until there were, like, only four left. Then, the next morning, three of the four were lying with the others in the big pile, and the last one was dead over by the plastic farmhouse thingy. It must've died right after it buried the second-to-last ant."

The antfarms were purchased after the Wyoming biology standards were reviewed by the State Board of Eduaction whom decided a benchmark about death was a neccesity for holisitic learning.

TEACHER LEARNS TO READ

2005-09-16T10:00:00.000-06:00

After battling illiteracy all her life, a LHS teacher has finally learned to read. An excited English teacher shows of her new skills.

Her heroic struggle to learn to read is the stuff of legends. Unfortunately the rights to this story have already been bought by DreamWorks Productions, so we here at CPUG are unable to tell the details. But lets put it this way; there was a lot of straining.

So now mercifully this teacher will no longer have to rely on students to do her work for her, she now can become her own person.

When asked what he thought about this great teacher learning to read Mr. Sorenson answered “what? She didn’t know how to read? How did we hire her? Wow, that’s rather irresponsible of us.”

“I think its great that she learned to read,” sophomore Kyle Ford said, “now hopefully she wont tell me to grade her papers for her.”

ART STUDENTS EXPOSED TO THE LINDE MONOLOUGE

2005-09-15T22:00:00.000-06:00

Another adventure in Linde land, yet we now know he is constantly thinking about sex.

The advanced art class enjoyed another passive monologue from Ms. Miller as she told the students of next week’s plans. The class seemed very relaxed as the quiet rhythmic flow of her voice crawled across the room.

When the students were finally released from her spell they set off for another exciting day in art class.

Linde must have heard the soothing voice because he responded by entering the room, hand on hip, in a very stealthy sort of way.

Students T. Callender, J. Raymer, Jack Hole, and The Kamikaze sat painting a ceiling tile; one of the few left due to the "sheet rock" addiction that grabbed ahold of all the art students last semester.

Linde stood gazing at a well endowed picture of a woman on the tile for about 20 minutes until he finally asked, “So is this picture symbolic in any way or is it just sex appeal?”

T. Cal: It’s a picture of our support to our country but we haven’t added the flag behind the lovely lady yet.”
Linde: I see, don’t you think that some would be offended?
T. Cal: I don’t know, what would you put on a tile if you were making one... a big whiskey bottle?”
Linde [very bluntly]: Yes, than I’d write something about aged whiskey… than maybe for sex appeal, [more bluntly] I’d add a big VAGINA.”

With that Linde exited the room leaving an uncomfortable hilarity in the room . It is crtain: we have now entered the Linde vagina monolougues.

STUDENTS DEMAND WARS IN EASIER TO FIND COUNTRIES

2005-09-14T10:00:00.000-06:00

A delegation of LHS students yesterday demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

"People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior, told the School Board. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts."

"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin
.
"See?" said Beldoni.

Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped."

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."

"Jagged...?" said Levin.
"Alliance. It's a computer game."
"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."
"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."

The hearing adjourned after sixteen hours. An estimated 24 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.