Cranberry Sauce

Moving on

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Mon, 08 May 2017 14:02:00 +0000

After a decade of Cranberry Sauce and Blogger, it's finally time to move to a different platform. Find my personal blog at http://ojasmehta.medium.com

Thanks a lot for reading. Thank you Google!

Move Your Body

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 17:36:00 +0000

2016-11-15 10:26 PM
It takes a lot for me to feel happy, fine, alright. Today it took an admittance of suicidal intention, a lot of drama with mom, a long walk from Hiranandani to Splendor, 2 Prestiqs, One escitalopram, a strong coffee, several cigarettes and mindful meditation for me to feel fine again. And realise that I'm acting like an idiot, uncontrolled, wild, unhuman, and honestlyin an unacceptable way. And also to realise there are many things that I can and want to do, and that doing those things will make life not only better, but perhaps even enjoyable.

I must try to make the most of these times when I feel well, and make committments and roadmaps, as well as guidelines for when I'm not feeling well. Yes I'm seriously depressed, and suicidal. There is no hiding away from this reality. Yes, in general I am disillusioned by society and desire something extraordinary, superhuman. But a part of this desire also stems from my personal issues - insecurity, fear of failure, abject laziness, procrastination, an all or nothing attitude, negligence of physical exercise or any activity, self created isolation. And most importantly, idleness. They lead to depression and depression leads to them. Balance is very important for a healthy, happy, full and satisfying life.

People are not stupid, even the ones that glide along in life, do the pop things, and never think deeply. That they do well means they do certain things right - whether out of (physical, mental or emotional) instinct, tradition, following the herd, or individual choice. Most people end up a full life because they keep living, stay balanced, do (more or less) the right things to lead a healthy life.. whether they are completely aware of it or not. For example dancing at a party or club creates euphoria, releases endorphins/serotonin, helps one unwind and release pent up frustrations, creates a blissful, meditative, at times orgasmic experience when the body moves in harmony with music. It creates a feeling of commonality, oneness with people around and the music; and perhaps many more things that are hard to fathom by our (my) limited minds. People's rason to dance might be lame and seemingly shallow, but that dosn't change the effects, the experience.

Yes to think, enquire, question, ponder is noble. But it is equally important to live, act out, do seemingly mundane and superficial things, yet do them to the best of our abilities, with all our minds presence, mindfully, authentically. Zen, or the way of the Tao lies in everything we do - so I have heard and want to believe. The mind is hard to shut up, specially at times like these when everything seems pointless, and an inner explosion of bliss (awakening) seems to be the only thing that appeals. Now more than ever, I must live, act mindlessly at first if necessary, but act nonetheless, and be in the moment, not stuck inside my head. Why? Because mommy says so, and the doc, and my closest friends, and every self help book/article out there. For once just follow and don't question. God knows your life depends on it.

Right Here Right Now

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sat, 18 Jun 2016 19:37:00 +0000

NOW is the time I finally start living the life I have always wanted to live; my dream life.

NOW is the time I finally become the person I have always wanted to be; my ideal self.

NOW is the time I fully commit to living life to the best of my capacity. Time I start doing all the things I have ever wanted to do.

NOW is the time I live in the present, not yesterday or tomorrow. Every single day, every hour and minute.

NOW is the time I devote myself wholeheartedly to making the most of right now. Time I live every moment to it's fullest; squeeze every drop.

NOW is the time I give my 100% effort in everything I do, nothing less. Time I stop quitting midway.

NOW is the time I stop compromising, settling for less than what I really want. Time I stop holding myself back (for self preservation? for later?).

NOW is the time I wake up from my blissful slumber and face reality. Time I accept myself for who I am, than living in denial; be completely true to myself.

NOW is the time I rid myself of guilt, shame or regret. Time I forgive myself unconditionally for mistakes in the past.

NOW is the time I stop kidding myself.. making excuses, cover ups. Time I stop complaining, blaming others for why things are the way they are. Just fucking stop.

NOW is the time I kick out my inner demons - self doubt, negativity, worry. Time I stop doubting my ability, sabotaging my own happiness. No more.

NOW is the time I let go off my inhibitions, fear, shyness. Time I stop being afraid of what other people might think.

NOW is the time I stand up; emerge from hiding behind the shadows. Time I unleash the real me, let my inner natural self emerge.

NOW is the time I start moving directly toward my goals, instead of fucking about. Time I start doing the things I know are right; quit doing the things I know are wrong.

NOW is the time I stop procrastinating on the things I know I need to do. Time I stop yielding to temptation, looking for instant gratification.

NOW is the time I take complete responsibility and ownership of my life: the captain of my ship. Time I start living my own life instead of imitating somebody else's.

NOW is the time I rise above mediocrity. Above my old self. Time I make myself count in the world, become my own superhero.

It isn't too late.

It isn't too soon.

The time is now.

Words are shit. Intentions are shit. Action is all that matters. Do it.

Keep moving forward.

A Model of the Dating World

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sat, 05 Mar 2016 04:30:00 +0000

(Image credit: OkCupid blog)

This model explains preferences for dating, relationships, sexual activity and even friendships. It's a macro level analysis - individual differences/preferences would always exist. After all, that's what saves the world from being completely deterministic, and people being robotic and completely predictable!

Terminology:
Agent (n). A person in the system
Mate (n). A prospective partner
Score (v). To gain access to, as desired (i.e. for dating/sex/marriage/offspring)

Statement: There exists a definite, indisputable dating economy, or System. Everybody has a market value (or level). This is based primarily on looks (fitness, attractive features, visibly health and radiance) but also on wealth, intelligence, wisdom, degree of self actualisation, and even environment of residence.

Agents typically like to go for a mate ABOVE their own level, and tend to be dismissive about the ones below them. Often agents (esp males) tend to be ambitious and attempt to score mates way above their league. On the other hand, agents' acceptance/tolerance for mates below their level varies, and is an individual difference. Most of the times, agents are aware exactly what their value is. Some (often males) tend to be delusional and overly optimistic about their value, and this is an evolutionary coping strategy. On the other hand, a very select few agents of high value (typically female) aren't aware of their worth, or choose to ignore or rise above physical standards of worth. These are the golden nuggets that represent hope for the average agent and a justification to keep trying outside their league!

A lot of the dating system world on evolutionary principles. Everybody wants an elite mate, one they can have superior offspring with. Of course not all agents are consciously aware of this at all times, but it is hard coded in each agent's automatic behaviour and instincts.. and thus manifests itself anyway. Of course, as designed by nature, males chase females. This may give the impression that females on average possess higher value than males, but this is not true and it evens out in the long run.

Now because everybody desires and attempts to score the top agents, we naturally find the skewed 99%-1% pattern emerging (similar to the well known income disparity). For example, the top 1% (percentile) of females are desired by 99% of males. It's unfortunate but very real - the world is not a level playing field.

This manifests itself in localised circles, like in a school classroom or a group of friends, and is particularly apparent online. Social sites like Facebook/Twitter and dating sites like Tinder/OkCupid are the ideal environments where these patterns naturally emerge and can be systematically observed. I believe the skewness is even more extreme in female agents, perhaps because since ancient times a woman's value has been linked to her physical beauty. For male agents, other factors such as wealth and social stature may offset physical "fit"ness, thus making it harder to assign a concrete value. Research shows female attractiveness is more universal and less subjective than for males.

Insight: "Number of likes per picture is a signifier of popularity, but also perceived attractiveness and market value."

Example 1. A Facebook profile picture of a top 1% female agent would receive, on average, 200+ likes (if it's flattering enough photo), whilst an average female might receive only 10.
Example 2. An OkCupid profile of a "fit" girl (real or fake!) would receive on average 100 messages per day, whilst for an average girl it might be 1 or 2 a day. (I have empirical evidence for this!)

Of course, the 99% population contains gradation too. Within the 99% there are moderately attractive agents, average ones and ugly ones (unfortunately true) that nobody desires. It's a spectrum of desirability that we choose to look as a binary split in this instance.

What does this mean to YOU, an individual with free will; the agent you care about most? Do you know what your market value is yet? Sorry to break it to you, but statistically speaking you are most likely in the 99%. Would you continue to chase the 1%, or try to spot a hidden gem that self identifies as merely average. Bottom line: How much do looks matter to you?.. Can you break free of your evolutionary instincts?

Further Reading: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/

Canada: First Impressions

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Fri, 04 Mar 2016 04:58:00 +0000

(The views represented in the following post are personal, subjective and fluid. No offence is intended.)

Note To Self: People can be very diverse. If anything, the observable extremes have been stretched wider in Canada.

I guess it's important to pen down thoughts when they come, given my memory. Best to showcase significant experiences, or risk losing them.

I've lived a long day today, and interacted with multiple diverse personalities. I am floored by how different people here in Toronto have been, both good and bad. On the one hand there are the extremely friendly, outgoing and helpful - typical of North America really as I'm finding (not just in the US). On the other hand, in a brief period I've come across people that have given me rather bitter experiences; people that have been closed minded, racist, condescending, rude, arrogant, and deliberately perverse. Not all the same person of course. I have also encountered not one but two elaborate scammers, and an organisation that's tried to be a cunning opportunist.

Overall though, I don't believe Canada is a real country. It's borrowed it's identity from Americans and immigrants. The only thing I find ingenious and impressive is the country's ability to cope with extreme cold. I do believe though that the country needs a few original, dynamic people to step forward and drive the country's economy and society forward. Likely immigrants. Perhaps I'd be one of them.

I don't mean to say it's a bad country though. A replica needn't necessarily be a cheap imitation. Canada is still a well developed country, hosting a diverse population. It is perhaps a placid, peaceful and socialist version of America, which is not a bad thing. Undoubtedly, the entire North American continent lacks the rich cultural heritage, of the UK and Europe.. or even India, each of which I inevitably use as reference. Again, this doesn't spell doom. In fact, as more and more countries become globalised, and people begin to identify as global citizens than rigid nationals, Toronto and Canada would be yet another hotpot of diverse cultures and individuals. It probably is one already. This begs the question, if all cities become international hubs, how do you separate one from another? As the world dissolves into one, on what basis do you choose one country of residence over the other? This may be entering the zone of the unknown unknown, a future that's hard to predict, let alone visualise. Hard not to be excited, or at least look forward to a new world paradigm.

Also, could this be a return of Cranberry Sauce.. or was this just a caffeine and novelty induced one off?

Summertime sadness

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sun, 13 Jul 2014 13:25:00 +0000

11:09 13/07/2014
Everything is what it is, and will be. Life is cool in the summers, hot in the winters. There's a lot of party, life is a reason to celebrate, be close to loved ones, cherish, share. Life goes on, smooth, unimpeded, without much challenge, notwithstanding the occasional hiccup that in the long run seems part of the design. Life is a pop song.. I hate pop. It takes a lot to love, to share. It's life's essence, its nectar they say. The inventory of emotions repeats itself, the acute and the blunt ones, even boredom. It peaks and troughs, and cycles around again with some noise. Noise keeps us alive, guessing, curious. Sleep is fun.. it simulates all of this drama quicker, more efficiently, without the loss of energy, and it's so real. Food is good as well, unquestioned comfort and joy.

LG

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Fri, 15 Nov 2013 18:41:00 +0000

Here I am, in my favourite cosy corner of the world. Costa coffee, all by myself, with a laptop and internet. It's the weekend. I owe nobody nothing, people around me are reasonably ok... and thus, life is pretty much ok. It's Christmas time again, and the magic is in the air. I wonder how the Westerners have managed to preserve the sacred festive spirit of Christmas through all these years.. through globalisation and capitalism, the location of Santa Claus has still remains the best kept secret in the world... impossible to decipher one would think, until about 10. The world more or less speaks the same language... and manages to communicate and share through linguistic and cultural barriers. Things just work. Life always moves forward, despite the odds and sometimes dire circumstances. In the end, what really matters? Smile, love, happiness, joy of living, living and sharing the moment. That's what they all say, that's what I feel too, after being through a fair bit. I love my extremes, my patterns, my coffee, my curiosity. This is what makes me who I am, for good or bad, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. There is an orchestra playing out in the open, at every moment, one just needs to tune into it. Let the rhythm engulf you. Feel the bliss of the moment. Enjoy the moment, for all it's flavour - enchanting and horrific. Feel true passion and pain, while always being a step away from stepping back and letting the moment soak in. I like to call it life sync, I used to call it ptsyncgruality.

Mindful Narcissism

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Wed, 23 Oct 2013 18:17:00 +0000

I am Strong, powerful, confident, untouchable, invincible..
Today.

I punch my fist in the air of jubilation, victory, glory..
Today.

I am unbeatable. I am the best..
Today.

The fabric of the universe flows by me, easily..
Today.

I am supreme. The ultimate. The best EVER.
Today.

I have no enemies, I am too strong for them..
Today

I am full of myself and I know it. But there isn't a thing anyone can do about it..
Today.

There will never be another man as talented, as skillful, as resourceful as I am..
Today.

I am in awe of my own capability.. And deliverance..
Today

I am better than anyone can ever be..
Today.

I am the best there ever will be..
Today.

I smash records for fun..
Today

There's just no stopping me.
Today

I will be an example to everyone that ever tries..
Today

I do what I want, when I want..
Today

I cannot possibly do anything wrong..
Today

Tomorrow I will try again.

Supreme

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Fri, 11 Oct 2013 23:53:00 +0000

Filling itself in a loop, I go and come inside and outside of myself
I am complete
I belong
I have home
I will always have home (I believe)
I don't need to fight anymore, or to prove
I am not ashamed, guilty, afraid
I am in harmony
I feel the fabric of the universe.... gliding through my fingers, gently flowing across my body, and sometimes hurriedly.
I feel rested and resting. Vitalised, full of energy but relaxed, that I could sleep
I would rather savour awakening than sleep
Right now life is worth living, experiencing, goals worth achieving. The reward feels real aand tangible.
I might be able to access alternate dimensions while being here.
Today I could even get enlightened.
Today anything is possible, and everything is ok
Today I feel royal love
Love is the elixir of life, the fountain of youth and vitality
Someone has finally open the door to my love
I can now love myself as much as I can love her
I can be free
In this moment, everything is ok
You have a right to be happy
Everything is so comfortable, effortless
Everything I do right now must be right
I can hardly fail
The pieces fit exactly. The contraption works.
It's a miracle but it's true. It's hard to be in disbelief for too long but it's just so good to be true.
I wonder if this might just end like another manic phase, but I daresay I believe this time it can last.
This one is for me. This is my time of glory, my 15 eons of fame. Everybody gets a chance to manifest the life of their dreams, and I have taken my chance with aplomb.
I am right, I am good, I am the best. Even if I'm not it's okay, because I know I will be backed all the way.
Nothing I do can ever be absolutely wrong again
I still want to win, but now I can't possibly lose

Yes!

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sun, 06 Oct 2013 19:47:00 +0000

It flows through you, inside and out... everything in between
it's warm, sometimes hot
it gushes, flows, churns
This warmth could melt anything in it's way
Oh this heat will burn my insides away
This must be love

No I haven't felt this before
I'm nervous but not scared
I'm anxious but not tense
I'm gasping but not breathless
I'm writhing but not hurt
This must be love

I feel purged, cleansed
redeemed, resurrected
fresh, rejuvinated
bright, incandescent
captivated, overwhelmed
This must be love

Logic doesn't make sense
But I don't care
I'm feel at home far away from home
Home now could be anywhere
There's no stopping us now
This must be love

I'm defenseless, I choose not to fight
I don't feel the need to hide
I'm not guilty, I'm not afraid
I'm ready for whatever lies ahead
This must be love

The fluid of life runs through my veins
A perfect synchrony in my heart and head
Yes this must be love, Ness... and it's for you
You make me want to be my best.

Swing When You're Winning

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Fri, 27 Sep 2013 21:39:00 +0000

Listen man you've got to swing when you're winning
When the moment feels right
You've got to capitalise
When you feel the fabric of the universe laid bare
You must identify it's every detail, learn every groove, feel the intricacy
When you feel the force of life gushing through your veins
You've got to let it run wild and guide you, become you, let loose
When you feel the animal unleash,
you must let it find it's prey.

It's ok to feel strong
It's ok to feel powerful
It's ok to feel invincible
It's ok to win
Man, when the moment comes, you must be willing to let it in.

You may stand tall enough
...and find the world crumbling below you
You may find the world bow at your feet
Don't fear, don't retaliate
Just feel your fear, your energy
Let your passions breathe.....

Swing when you're winning,
it's not going to happen all the time
cease the moment when it's yours
etch it into your memory, feed the ego
replenish your soul with the world's bounty
fill yourself up for the next drought
cause you wont be swingin forever
tomorrow will be tough.

(Title inspired by a Robbie Williams album)

Try Again

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Mon, 16 Sep 2013 20:03:00 +0000

How many lessons must a man learn, before he can finally begin to live?
How could he have ever learnt enough?

How many mistakes must a man make before the lessons are embedded in his head?
How many scars can he possibly erase?

How many risks can a man avoid, before he makes the leap of faith?
Can there ever be a thing like too much caution?

How much certainty will guarantee that this next step will not be a mistake?
How can he be sure anyway?

How likely may a man predict the outcome of an arbitrarily probabilistic event to be favourable?
Whyever might he believe it could ever be in his favour?

How does man add up his karma points to know what he really deserves?
Can he be sure of karma at all?

How much can a man rely on his gut feeling if it promises to fulfil his dreams?
Why might he ever trust something that cant be defined?

How much suffering must a man go through before he can taste redemption?
Will his suffering ever end?

How many times must a man lose before he can emerge victorious amons a sea of corpses?
Will he still know what it's like to win?

How many betrayals must a man crash through before he can build an indestructible empire of faith?
And after all this will he still trust?

But trust he must and he will, in himself and the Other. Despite his mistakes and losses, through the suffering and betrayal, however uncertain his fate may appear, man must continue to trust his karma, take another risk, fight for his right to redemption, play to win, outlast his demons and emerge victorious amons a sea of corpses. To continue to live and love is man's duty and his reward.

"I have now understood that though it seems to men that they live by care for themselves, in truth it is love alone by which they live."
- Leo Tolstoy (What men live by)

The unheard voice

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 18:49:00 +0000

People achieve catharsis in different ways - exercise, sex, music, food, good sleep, friends, spending time with a loved one, alcohol, drugs. I do it through writing, or at least hope to. It's hard to put into words the intense (lack of) emotion I currently feel, but there has to be an outlet. Solace sounds like a distant and academically comforting term. So do friends, and lovers. There is nothing man can't do when he works to the best of his mental prowess, very little that he can without it's cooperation.

Society rewards extroverts for their default behaviour. The world rewards and outward display of everything - emotions, words, opinions and actions. Even a temporary introvert must suffer the punishment of misjudgement, and decisions taken for him, on his behalf, without his permission. The world loves labels, although it's constituents hate being labelled themselves. Money matters, and so does drama. The best actor wins the prize for richest, most sought after, most respected, most loved, most credible source of coexistence. The introvert watches on, waiting for his turn. Waiting for the adjudicator to ask his opinion. He would likely wait forever, unless he makes peace with what really is, what really matters and who we really are. The answer to all this is of course - nothing.

I ask myself the same questions time and again, sometimes desperately, sometimes unknowingly, but the virtual nag remains. The weight. Sometimes I forget what I am after, but do always remember that I am after the answer, the solution, the elixir. There are times I can't think straight like right now; when logic, purpose, drive evade me, let alone belonging. But there remains a belief that this can be done. That next time will be the time. But also that unfortunately not this time. I'm just about sick of hearing 'not this time' now, it's been way too long.

An introvert needs to be very self assured to survive, and thrive. And thrive he can, but only when the internal demographics have sorted themselves out - with constant tidying up, repainting and renovation. Society doesn't do any favours, but it never has. Coexistent and competitive - that's the way we are designed to live, although I question the designer. We are also preached to live with passion, aggression and strong resolve. Society rewards people of strength, especially among men. It also punishes the weak and vulnerable, in all forms and quite consistently. Indecisive is weak, flexible may also be considered weak. Impatience to achieve goals, misalignment with society, and any displays of incompetence - physical or mental can mean a big setback in this points based scoring for individuals within society. On the other hand, show-boating, cockiness, abandonment of those that live independent of social code, ridicule, social canvassing, use of clout to achieve or trounce - these are considered traits of strength and nobility. The opinion of the man with the strongest backing is always right - but this backing may not arise from competence or rational election. Society is flawed.

The independent introvert does not only get out-voiced by the extrovert social, he is also everyday fighting a battle to safeguard his colour, his stance so that one day he may be able to overcome the non-existent noise and live in personal righteousness. And hopefully influence a crowd of his own.

Back to blogging?

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 22:17:00 +0000

I try to make sense of it all, classify everyone I know into stereotypes. Well I guess everyone does. But it's funny how these stereotypes blend in, and it seems more like a spectrum than two extremes. Also, it's very queer and interesting how these perceptions of people I have change over time. I now understand that my mental picture of the world is not absolute. And while some have a more clear picture of what they see around them as others, ultimately they are all just perceptions. Life is dynamic. Nobody sucks forever, nobody is at the top forever. There is a constant ebb and flow, and one needs to be mindful about that.

I now tend to recognise my own bursts of dopamine, some natural, some induced. But I try not to get too carried away by them, lest I turn into a candidate for a bipolar disorder. Things have been good, but of course they can be better. Then again, they have been worse, for me previously and for others now. It is always good to put things perspective and realise that it can always be better but it's never too bad.

I feel the burst of dopamine right now, and am consciously trying to conceal it, channelise it instead of going overboard and then losing it in a valley of lowness.

(I do need to learn to finish what I start)

Zebra

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 22:36:00 +0000

And so I find myself at the crossroads again, much like where I usually find or put myself into being. I am walking on the line that separates the Self and the Other… of societal independence and societal acceptance. They’re both tempting roads to go down on, for different and in fact conflicting reasons. And I the observer must not take a stand, much as I would like to. I know where I belong and I have once relinquished it for what I need to be, or ought to be, or what a bunch of people believe is the right thing to do. That collective wisdom advises you to follow the cash, feed your greed, satisfy your lust… or rather attempt to do so, for all I know. The righteous path sits quiet and righteous, as it should… nibbling away on the conscience, biting off parts of the visible soul for any misdemeanour. So who am I then? What I want to be or what I ought to be? Answer’s clear in the head, but the head is not clear about who it serves. In the meantime, I present myself as the deserving pig from Guinea, treading the line while never really enjoying benefits of either route. And then they call me a Master of the Decision Sciences. I haven’t seen John Galt yet, but I need to see him soon. Or never.

Simulator's dilemma

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 19:15:00 +0000

The fabric of the universe is robust, yet intricate and quite tenacious. I often wonder why people act the way they do, but I find this is more difficult to decipher than first appears. Events around a person shape a person, who subsequently incluences subsequent events around him. We are all entangled in a causal loop with no definite start or end point (at least thats what the observer inside the system is led to believe). A suboptimal control over situations poses the need for predictability, but the very nature of human behaviour and the unfolding of situations is dependent on each other. And this one is led to conclude that to deterministically figure out the outcome of one situation, one would have to track back to the origin of time and solve equations all along. This leads us (me, at least) to believe that if the 'nurture' argument along with 'determinism' is assumed, one would either find the solution to every situation that could ever unfold, or none. Engineering promises approximate solutions to some situations, but if the butterfly effect is to be believed, approximations would lead us nowhere and every once in a while our approximate model would go horribly wrong and lead us to a regrettable conclusion. However, don't humans also make horrible judgments sometimes? I guess an approximating algorithmic machine can then approximately resemble a human, with encoded notions of regret and reinforcement learning.

So how does one apply insight in a situation and use intuitive or calculative predictive power to get the best out of it - either in terms of maximising reward/profit/pleasure or minimising punishment/loss/pain? Surely, we all have inbuilt mechanisms that try its best to get the best exchnge out of a situation. Arguable, some people's internal algorithms are better than others. And hence we see people with similar education, economic and social stature getting different value out of similar situations. It is certainly of interest to mankind to induce equality among masses by optimising people's decisions to make the 'most' out of a situation, given an individual's notion of best case scenario, coupled with his intellectual, economic and social capacity.

I am of the strong opinion that we would all love to possess sufficient power in a situation to have things our way, which could be as trivial as having a good evening, or as big as ruling the world. And we often act in suboptimal ways, overlooking some important details like an adamant competitor or rain or alcohol as determinants in the actual merit of our choices. The sooner do we a) start getting what we want out of situations (maybe by trying out different things), b) realising that we're doing a good job (conscious awareness), and c) figuring out exactly what constitutes the alteration of behaviour to optimise utility in the external world (i.e. noting What works and Why) can we device a code to optimise our (and maybe people's) decisions to almost always get the best out of situations.

Tomorrow

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 21:57:00 +0000

Its vitally important to capture the moment when you can. I feel great right now, and know well I might not tomorrow. But its okay. I'm happy, I'm tranquil, and I can live a good chunk of my life right now. And hopefully, if I keep the momentum up, I'll be fine for a while. That's all that matters in life after all, living the moments and living up to them. During the off times, you build yourself up to life FOR the moments, in the past and the ones to come in the future. Life's not too big, a collection of a few moments is what define eras, some better and some longer than others. Its a constant fluctuation, momentary ups and downs that, averaged out make a zero sum game, or if you're lucky have an up slope. You are what you make out of yourself, and the situations around you. The best you can do is your best, and hope to have a good time along the way. Nothing else matters.

People come and go, experiences happen, memories remain. There's not much more to it. When an era ends, the best you can do is let it go, and move on in search of new adventures. The world's population just crossed seven billion. How many have you covered?

Oh man, it doesn't matter. All that matters is being happy and living a good life.

Attribution

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 00:46:00 +0000

You are the highest of highs

You are the reward of my toil

You are the untouchable

You are the insurmountable

You are unprotected, and thus indestructible

You are the epitome of the human spirit

Yet you're only human

That's what makes you supreme

You are the promise land... the dream destination...

You're always the goal, yet always unattained

You're the light at the end of the tunnel

Always in sight, but always far away

If only I could have you...

I would be redeemed of my sins

I would be immortal

I would be alive........

If only I could.

You're the frail beauty that perishes when possessed

But I would never know

You're the angel's voice in despair

that I have never heard

You're my saviour, my guiding spirit

The twilight of eternal youth

The elixir of life

So I'd like to believe

You're the love of my life

You're a figment of my imagination

I'm trapped in a loop of my own hope

That would never manifest, and never die.

You are the absolute

You're too good to be real

If only you were real

Are you?

But I must believe in you

To preserve the integrity of everything I stand for.

For you are the culmination of my faith

My only surviving hope.....

Before I find out otherwise.

.................................................................

"How can you ignore my faith in everything

When I know what Faith is, and what it's worth"

-Steve Harley (Make Me Smile)

That Whereby Men Live

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 23:40:00 +0000

I was about to write something stupid but thought against it. Metacognitive as I always am, I am aware now that my feelings might merely be a projection of a conscious reflection arising out of the superimposition of years of environmental conditioning, social structure and human evolution. In essence, I might just be constructing a reality that is made essentially out of nothing. But yet, these fictional realities sometimes overlap, sometimes coincide between two or more people, resulting in consensus. Consensus doesn’t necessitate correctness, it merely represents reinforcement arriving from mutual acceptance. The consented matter might be grounded in reality, or floating in delusion, yet for the consenting believers, that's all that matters. That is true, that is uncontested, that is given. In a sense, by the very nature of human incompetence of arriving at an absolute, only the relative can be consented on. And so, every act of consented conviction must probably arise, to some extent, out of an irrational judgement of merit made by an other-than-cognitive process. And so long as the battle is not entirely fought on terms of syllogistic logic, there is always the possibility of longevity – through compromise and adjustment. Is that really bad though? Not until one finds out otherwise. And it can still be rationalised – we're all schizophrenics that way. And how long can it last, before reality takes over? Well, it lasts some people a lifetime, and that's as long as we can measure anyway. Psychology is a science but isn't physics, minds work roughly on rules but aren't computer programmes, hearts beat but aren't mechanical pistons. Not even close. We may never find out otherwise, maybe we don't want to either. Machines don't want, we do. We desire, emote, express, feel. Machines need fuel and commands. We need love.

London is cold

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 00:59:00 +0000

Some say I'm on a quest to uncover the fabric of the universe. Others say I'm just kidding myself. Among the believers of the holy grail, there are some that believe I'm looking to discover myself, while others are convinced I'm trying to make sense of the people around me. And then there are some that believe that the self and the other are but trivial and inconsequential objects in the majestic vignette of the universe. And yet, for us imbeciles, we are our world. Life revolves around the self and the other, more pertinently, the significant other. We often spend lifetimes comparing and contrasting ourselves with our contemporaries, and occasionally with our ancestors. Yes, we are remarkably short sighted, but everybody is, so we're not made to feel the need to see otherwise.

I'm both amazed and vexed by the amount of time we spend trying to merge with the social structure, the latter of which is also incrementally shaped by our actions. In effect, we constantly shape and perfect a mutually accepted paradigm for all behaviour. We then feel good or bad or indifferent about ourselves with respect to the world, depending on how closely we ourselves adhere to the seemingly arbitrarily determined paradigm. Arbitrary being said, I must add that it is something that we (I for now) cannot or WILL not understand, as it might be too complicated for us (or me). But there might still exist a perfectly valid reason for which social structure is the way it is. Beats me.

Why are we constantly calibrating ourselves and our peers as against the set benchmarks of social righteousness and 'cool'ness? Why is it so unacceptable to be completely independent of what the cumulative wisdom of the society believes correct? I would love to specify an example, but run the risk of being judged in that respect, and then stereotyped and dismissed. Then again, being a psychologist I do understand the need for stereotypes and heuristics. However, we do need to get better and more discerning at it. Because right now, the rate of misses and false alarms is ridiculously high.

The world creates this out of us. Then again, we created and continue to create the world as it stands. Suspicion always comes before trust. A stranger always first belongs to an outgroup, not ingroup. Does it really have to be so? Can our neurons be rewired, and our preferences modified, just like they are done by commercial advertising? We need more love, more energy and more trust. And thats got noting to do with the lack of sunshine in London.

Possible Worlds: An Interpretation

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 19:22:00 +0000

(Warning: The following review contains spoilers. Please watch the movie before reading this. For an introduction, read my post HERE)

George Barber is a mathematical genius that works in a corporate firm. Due to his psychic abilities, he can 'see' himself simultaneously living out his life in parallel universes. In each of the possible worlds exists Joyce, playing different roles in George's life (a dead wife, a casual partner and a stranger).

At the beginning of the movie, George is found murdered with his brain extracted. Detective Berkeley and his sidekick try to investigate this crime throughout the film. This is interspersed with flashbacks of George's different lives.

In the end, the detectives figure that Doctor Kleber, a brain scientist murdered George so he could study and manipulate his brain. George's brain, still 'alive' and fundamentally conscious is brought back to Joyce.
In the last scene, George's brain simulates a romantic evening at the seaside with Joyce. Here he notices some strange blinking light (the light flashing on the brain apparatus) in the distance, and asks Joyce if they should do something about it. After a while, the blinking stops (when Joyce turns off the brain's life support system) and the movie ends.

Now, it is known that Kleber collects intelligent human brain to study them, and he probably got to know about George during their interview in the mental hospital. But is that all, or are all the scenes relived by George actually mental simulations, artificially created after he was killed?

Also,in the 'life' where George met Kleber, he had attacked the 'stranger' Joyce. But then, after he was killed, Joyce lamented the loss of her husband.

I will admit I didn't understand the movie entirely, and I hope thats my shortcoming, and not a conceptual flaw of the film. Any comments?

Order and Chaos

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 20:39:00 +0000

Life is as random as can be. Ubuntu is good, but the grass is always greener on the other side. Web horcruxes means that my life isn’t really my own, even in the individualist west. I’m so well connected, like everyone else, that life doesn’t really require human intervention to run. It runs almost in autopilot mode, just like the myriad tech gadgets that we now use. Sometimes, it proceeds without an administrator password, making it appear that my life isn’t my own after all, but a coordinate in a haphazard conglomeration of entities incapable of self existence, adding up to a complex dynamic system called society. I wish I could use the word robust or systematic, if only I could make sense of it.

Maybe, just like ant colonies, we're not meant to comprehend the role of an individual in the bigger picture and yet contribute to it. However, a human ostensibly possesses consciousness, and hence is constantly aware of most of the things s/he does. This is the perfect recipe for questions, self-doubt and a general feeling of randomness. Who knows, ants must feel random and pointless too, in their own homuncular way, just like us(?). I maintain, one man's random chaos is another superman's perfectly logical causal chain of events. Who's to say if we're the most cognizant, discerning creatures the universe has ever seen? We may never know...

Which is why it is terribly important to make sense of our lives the best we can, given our mortal constraints, and leave the rest to chance, probability and noise. If we didn't have any of that, academicians like me would have nothing to study. Curiously enough, systematic trends are the easiest to study, its the deviations that we take all our lives trying to figure out. Most of us, however, just (sometimes unwillingly, even unconsciously) submit to the paradigm. And yet, the paradigm is shaped by each one of us, infinitesimally incremented with each contributing member.

It hard to imagine life any other way, just like it is hard to perceive that we're moving at a speed of 470 metres every second, just like it is difficult to diagnose yourself through introspection. Its called reference frame in Physics, it is called anchoring in Psychology. Sometimes, all that's necessary is a change of reference, a little de-conditioning. The observer of a system must lie outside of it.

We look at different places for the same thing. We market ourself differently, but talk about the same things. We're all looking for the same thing; and its NOT money. Monetary motivation is just a byproduct of the system we're anchored to, and is constantly positively and negatively reinforced so as to lead us to the illusion that money is the solution to everything. Not necessarily true. Almost certainly not true. It is however interesting to study why we ended up this way... lusting money, killing brothers, living in selfish greed and coveting power over people. Something somewhere went terribly wrong... but was it inevitable? And is our fate in this world also inevitable? Where's the free will? Where's the love?

When will we get our heads out of our asses and voluntarily work together for the best of us? Come back to the question..... What Matters?
Think

Independent Thinking

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 15:11:00 +0000

Sleepless Night

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 06:41:00 +0000

6:05 AM

I guess I have nothing much to do otherwise, so I’ll just write. Such moments of paradoxes, existential or otherwise, should rightfully be celebrated by writing about them. And that being said, I do feel like a sell-out again, and the self-reinforcing loop continues. The self-loathing is strong, it always has been. An endured punishment called existence. I might sound too full of myself, but that’s not necessarily true. Besides, alternate techniques of living a life have somehow eluded me. Not that I am complaining; I’d only know what I’m missing out on if I knew what it’s like to be otherwise. But then, the design is robust, and the curtains provide good insulation from light, so I (we) might never know. This last comment was entirely uncalled for; I just pretended to rise above my own problems and generalise them to the world, thus demeaning people around for my own flaws. Nice try, Watson.

Turns out that the once sleep-hungry procrastinator has turned into a sleep-deprived procrastinator. The suffix remains the same. Ah well, at least I can say I’m working on it now. Not sure how effective the working is though. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy seems no more credible than voodoo; the latter at least has strong effects when it does (ostensibly) work. CBT is just one of those legal conning systems, just like banks.

Paradoxes are beautiful, but they’re utterly frustrating and if you dwell on them a little more, incapacitating. Yet, there exist far too many of them to lead a normal (as prescribed) life, and yet we must try to lead normal lives, walking around these paradoxes, while denying their existence. A simulator’s nightmare, I must say again.

So either I’m too stuck up with my loopy, unrealistic idealistic thoughts; or the rest of the world is stuck up in a warp of their own s***. Statistics says, I’m probably the outlier and hence must be discarded. The model has errors, but they’re on the whole not too significant. Oh we have a perfect distribution, consistent and what not; but the mean is off by a few light years. Then again, we’ve defined our own terms for consistency, but who’s to say we’ve been consistent with it? It’s all a big paradox. Come to think of it; life is a paradox, is a paradox. Nested function; infinite regression.

Recursive definitions are fun. They’re also the negation of linearity, and decomposability. Maybe God does exist after all. Ah well, let’s have another beer.

New Year's

noreply@blogger.com (Ojas) — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 01:22:00 +0000

And so I am invited to write by my Other self. There isn't a theme in particular to write on, but then, there rarely is. Oddly enough, it is New Year's day, although by the time I publish this (if I do), it wll be past midnight. Its a fairly monumental day to write on, and hence I shall coax myself to ramble on. Its funny, the climax of 'When the music's over' is playing in the background, and nothing else (eg. blogging) can really matter, but then, here I am, a living contradiction of ideals, as I constatly violate the ideals I stand for. It's all good, I remind myself, and decide to write on, the whole idea now seeming more pointless than ever before. It would make a modicum of sense if I actually wrote about something at all, instead of being self obsessed that I am, accentuated when i'm drunk. I could write about the action packed, fun filled (?) last week or so I've had. Matter of fact, it's an rollercoaster continuum that I can't put start and end tag to, but hey, that's what bloggers and other sellouts (tweeters, facebookers and socialites in general) do, don't they? I must be consistent with the stereotype.

So I visited Bath, Bristol, Portsmouth, Ipswich and Oxford; saw a multitude of museums, churches, abbeys, castles, mansions and other structures with pointy tops. I was in the company of ostensibly interesting people, and I had a fairly questionably good time, just like everything else I do. Question is, how is one kind of enjoyment different from another anyway? Isn't having a wonderful dream while in bed at home an equivalent high to a potential, probabilistic joy that you might receive by visiting the oldest, largest and best museum, cathedeal or university in the world? I mean, it is an elicitation of a brain state, or is it? I've had one of the best times of my (present day) life having an argument about an age-old and thoroughly impractical concept, like free will, with a bunch of psychology students. It's given me more joy than any trip abroad would ever give (I could be wrong, of course). I just don't see the point of spending tens and hundreds of pounds "exploring" the world, "being" with good people (it often ends up being just people, desperate as you are), and "experiencing" "joy" in the "feeling" of "oneness", of "connecting", "sharing" and "living" the moment. A simulator's nightmre I must admit. On a more rational and unbiased note, honestly, isn't it possible to do all this without all the hype, glitz and prodigality of a typical Londoner? I mean, how hard can it be to be in good company and have a good time? Why the whole artificial social structure? Really, why?

I know it's New Year's (just like it was Christmas a week back [and I must admit, the festive spirit did feel good]), and don't get me wrong, I did have an excellent time. But I still wonder, what really matters? The fireworks display at London Eye was excellent, but there was immense social pressure involved in organizing and attending it, all parties involved, let alone the monetary and energy costs. I wonder why people can't all just stay home, maybe with a loved one, eat home healthy food, and meditate. That's a good New Year's eve plan right there. Why the intoxication, why the long travel, why the need to belong to a group or a person? For God's sake, snap out of it. you're complete and happy, and you don't need a "successful" (i.e. something that you can brag about) New Year's eve to convince yourself that you are happy and that everything's alright in life. You are, and it is!.... Just be! Live the moment, don't make extravagent plans in the probabilistic hope of having a prospecive good time. It's all rather artificial and result-oriented. Just live now, the way it is, it's perfect, it's beautiful. See it!