You see, designing a banking website as vast as this isn’t a matter of changing some colors and adding crap graphics, there’s a whole shitload of other things to be taken care of too. Unfortunately upgrading their server capacity isn’t one of their priorities. Honestly, I don’t blame these people. Maybank2u has been setting an example for other local banking websites such as this one which has the same shitty service, only with different color.

Now excuse me while I go teach my dad how to transfer money to a third party for the 60th time.

Here are the fucking ingredients for two servings (or one if you’re a fatty):

• 1 packet of Kway Teow or flat rice noodles. DUH.
• 3 medium squid or calamari or sotong, cleaned and cut into strips. If you don’t know how to clean a squid then you’re a dummy.
• 1 medium onion, diced. If you don’t know how to dice an onion then you’re a mega dummy.
• 2 small cloves of garlic, crushed and minced.
• Half stalk of leeks cut finely. I know they taste like nothing but you have to include this shit or else.
• 2 centimeters of young ginger, finely chopped.
• 4 stalks of french bean because I happen to have them in the fridge. If you don’t, go to the corner and cry yourself to sleep.
• Sesame oil and vegetable oil as much as you like because we’re all gonna die eventually.
• 2 teaspoons of Thai red chili paste, the one with hot Thai tranny face on the bottle.
• Some concentrated chicken stock, light soy sauce and stinky fish sauce.
• Some spring onions.
• Salt and pepper to taste. Actually no, don’t follow your tastebud because it’s lame. Follow mine by not putting them at all because everything else is already friggin’ salty.

So now we can fucking start. In a hot, big, juicy wok, heat the sesame oil and vegetable oil so you can see some smoke coming up. Then bring your face closer to the hot oil and sprinkle some water in it. Okay just kidding, kinda.

Then, add onions, garlic and ginger to the hot oil. When the shit in the wok became translucent and you can smell them, add the squid, red chili paste, leeks and french beans. After approximately 30 seconds, add the concentrated chicken stock. Then stir like a pro. When all the ingredients look like they’re having a superfun orgy, add the Kway Teow. Mixed everything together and add the light soy and feet smelling fish sauce.

At this point, some people like to add bean sprouts or taugeh. I don’t because I think bean sprouts taste like crap. I don’t understand why people enjoy them and love to put tons of them in every fucking dish known to man. Anyhoo, after a while, add the spring onions and you’re done.

Nigella Lawson’s succulent titties approved.

Jamie Oliver’s teeth approved.

Even Gordon Ramsay’s kampung road face approved of this recipe!

Enjoy, motherfuckers!

To all Malaysian fast food chain managers and supervisors if you’re reading this (which I am confident some of you are), please instruct your minions to provide both options to customers because assuming them to like chili sauce is like the equivalent of being a racist.

Enough rant and let’s watch this exquisite video instead. I am so having my birthday at McDonald’s for many years to come.

Goodness, do you have to wear 13 liters of perfume when you exercise? I don’t know, maybe it’s like the ethical code of MMAM (Muscle Marys Association of Malaysia) or something, killing two birds with one stone. By birds I mean other patrons. Even females don’t wear that much perfume to cover their girly aromas. I tried my best to concentrate by thinking happy thoughts like the time when I won a Pulitzer Prize for Craplicious.com in my dreams but the smell was too overwhelming I had to stop. Thanks for fucking up my morning run, bitch. Didn’t you hear about this thing called odorless deodorant?

Anyways, being the ignorant twat that I am, I recently came across this interesting concept from Ikea called “BoKlok”, which sounded like something that came from your ass instead of what it should be (isn’t everything from Ikea like that?). BoKlok is a new concept of housing that involves providing space-saving, functional and high quality properties at a price that enables as many people as possible to afford a comfortable home. In other words, a big ass flat packed furniture you can live in. Yes, the Malaysian property scene is booming and as more shitty developers and contractors came into play, we need something like this. Best of all, Ikea get to choose their buyers based on a few criteria of which I’m sure one of them includes did you wear deodorant or not, so you won’t get shitty neighbours! How awesome is that?

Last year, they started accepting applications for their units in the UK. Why don’t Ikea take a step further and introduce this concept here in Malaysia? One baby step towards world domination! Let’s see, I think they could work out sub 200k price for small flat type homes in non-central location. By flat I don’t mean those filthy disgusting pigeon holes, shrinked terrace houses perhaps is the correct term here. Two bedrooms, one or two bath, good for new families and single executives. Best of all, we’ll get our own parking spot within few steps from the front door. OMG I sounded like Bethany my property agent. I should put on extra 30kg, wear anything but black and dye my hair the color of roadkill so I would look like her gorgeous self.

Anyways, do check out BoKlok website if you give a shit. Ikea for Prime Minister!

Artist’s impression of  Malaysia’s IKEA BoKlok concept home

WANT you to add your own do not want here.

All you have to do is find an offset printer, a matching type of paper and you don’t even have to spend a dime on food, at least until end of this month. I’m not sure you’ll be alive by then but free is free regardless!

Damn those wacky printers! I’m sure the actual copy reads:

Our Sausage McMuffin™ is so crappy, we want to share it with you because we want you to be morbidly obese and die fast. Here’s a FREE shitty Sausage McMuffin™, bitch.

Enjoy your mornings while they last.

1. Wear ridiculously colored contact lenses

Dark brown eyes are SO not attractive, especially for an Asian. If you were to wear them, make sure they’re either blue, green or even gray because apparently all Caucasians has those eye colors. If people look terrified when they see your beautiful artificial eyes, don’t worry. They’re just crazy jealous because their natural pairs are friggin’ boring.

2. Dye your hair

Black hair screams Asian and you don’t want that. There’s nothing more attractive and natural than an Asian girl with a red / blond hair. Trust me, they WON’T make you look like an orang utan. Just because your face is similar, enhancing it with auburn hair doesn’t make you even close to one.

3. Try to speak English wherever and whenever

Don’t worry how broken your English are, because speaking in your native language is not cool okay? Even better, try to fake an accent, preferably American or British. They sound so nice and effortless on your Asian tongue. Remember, speak to everyone including that auntie who sells vegetables at your local pasar malam, because practice makes perfect.

4. Dress as little as possible

Oh yeah, people in the west always dress that minimal. No, you definitely don’t look like a Thai callgirl when you wear that 2 inch mini skirt and matching cleavage-revealing halter top, your boobies and vajayjay will appreciate the airiness they provide.

5. Get a Caucasian boyfriend

If all else fails, get a white boyfriend. Instead of behaving like regular couples, admire him everyday by saying he’s cute and be amazed at everything he does. Example: “OMG I never knew white people can do that!” or ask your friends constantly “My boyfriend handsome or not?” Your friends will totally appreciate that.

I really wanted to put some pictures as examples because I know how you people love visuals, but since there’s too many of them already, I don’t want to fuck up my server. What I can do however, is provide you a reference. Good luck, bitches!

Note: Again I don’t have to clarify that this is NOT a racial post, but since I’ll definitely gonna get dissed for this anyways, be aware that it’s for people (especially Asian girls) who think they look so good when trying too hard to copy their Hollywood idols. People should be happy the way they are and embrace what they’re born with.