crazy chick

Surrender

2008-05-21T12:34:00.001-07:00

I surrender to a God that has yet to respond
I surrender to the rays that reach out from the sun
I surrender to the wind tearing moments apart
I surrender to the cold blanketing my heart
I surrender to the waves that push me away
I surrender to the moon that ends another day

I surrender to the light that burn out from the stars
I surrender to the pain lingering around my scars
I surrender to the night shadowing my fears
I surrender to time collecting all my years
I surrender to the heat that shoots out from my rage
I surrender to the sky and all the emptiness it saves

I surrender to the doubt that contaminates my mind
I surrender to the choices I have left behind
I surrender to life and all it's unknowns
I surrender to experience and accept that I've grown
I surrender to the past and to all it's attachments
I surrender to the future of no more commitments

And last but not least
I surrender to Love and all it's (im)perfections
And to all the challenges I've risen above
To find my true direction

I've given in to resistance
And left suspicion at the door
I've offered up my trust to you
Challenging the universe no more

See me - 02/06/08

2008-02-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

See me/Silent Eyes
02/19/08

Over mountains drenched with snow
Trying to figure out where to go
Following the trail before it's gone
Cuz I'm too scared to be alone

Like sweet olives dipped in black
They reflect my soul before I react
A puddle caressing the night's sky
There land my tears before I cry

Grab my hand and walk with me
Be the moon so I can see
Lay the path for me to follow
Hold me close and never let go

Who knew that we'd be here right now
I'm exposed to the elemental truth
That you've loved me when I didn't know how
And it's all because of you

Stay here with me forever
I'm so amazed how this could be
I thank god you landed here
You're my angel and you set me free

Lying right next to me
Is a reality born from all my dreams
Emancipated from my misery
My eyes finally able to see me

Battle wounds II

2008-01-18T12:40:00.000-08:00

01/18/08

The open sores from my emotional mutilations
Are exposed underneath the searing sun
They sizzle and bleed out the nightmarish poison
Paralyzing my legs before they can run

I'm stuck between my enemy's borders
Entering territory of no return
Bullets rain from above the clouds
As they hit me, the hatred starts to burn

Mangled and lifeless is my emotional carcass
A bag of resentments weigh me down
My chest ripped open, my heart dragging
Grasping for anyone who may be around

To pull me out of this planned attack
Another blitz from the devils crusade
Preventing me from reaching heaven's door
And reminding me that I can never be saved

But I still reach for where I hear freedom lives
A place where the past disintegrates
Present comforts and invites you to stay
And empathy is ready to easily relate

To the journey I took to reach this place
To the battle I fought despite my hesitation
To the unending war that rages within
To the overwhelming choke hold of my desperation

But here I lay, still all alone
Wondering if I'll ever make it home
Death dismembering my dignity
Until my whole is completely gone

Bricks rain down

2008-01-18T08:54:00.000-08:00

01/18/08

Bricks of sorrow rain down on me
And build a wall around my shame
Metal tears stream down my face
As I seek to hide from the world again

A storm of hail shaped like blades
Pelt against my exposed carcass
Cutting through my empty soul
And leaving me hollow and alone

Fear's scavengers start to circle
Around the void of irony's hope
Picking at whatever is left
The remnants of a pathetic journey

She repeated her misjudgements
And continued to follow confusion
So when the end finally arrived
Nothing was brought to a resolution

Tears of sorrow rain down like bricks
And build a wall around my shame
Each time another memory kicks
I hide behind the wall again

A lonely existence
Although she was surrounded
By love and by patience
They never did penetrate

That wall of resistance
The moat of most distance
The knight would always climb
But she would never escape

She'd throw him off the rooftop
Made him stop
Before he got too close
She murdered love
Before it murdered her
And that's just the way it goes

I start to Run

2008-01-16T14:41:00.001-08:00

1/16/08

You're the rain that washes away my sorrow
You're the wind that blows away my pain
You're the cloud that shields me from the horror
That re-plays in my mind continuously, over again

You're the storm that scares away my demons
You're the thunder that wakes me from my dreams
You're the cold that freezes off my panic
When I fall back into the scene

And All
You said you'd do
For me
Has come true
And when I find myself
In darkness
You present
Me with the sun
I'm freed from hell's harness
And towards you
I start to run
I start to run

I start to walk down this road with you
You are the lion next to me, My protector
I re-learn all I thought I knew
And believe you'll stay with me forever

You carry all my insecurity
And cast a shadow over my shame
Hopefully, one day I'll be able to see
How to do the same
For you

And All
You said you'd do
For me
Has come true
And when I find myself
In darkness
You present
Me with the sun
I'm freed from hell's harness
And towards you
I start to run
I start to run

Nothing is as what they seem

2008-01-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

01/14/08

The moonlight beams
Through my dilapidated dreams
Exposing the screams
Of nightmares unseen

The memories of my sorrow
Last until tomorrow
I try to run away
But have no where else to go

Trying not to fight
The coming of the night
Summoning all my might
To get this shit right

Nothing is as what they seem
Follow the water
Follow the streams

Nothing is as what they seem
Follow the water
Follow the streams

Nothing is as what they seem
Follow the water
Follow the streams

Music

2008-01-11T18:05:00.000-08:00

01/11/08

I dissect your notes
Into strings and chords/
Record your emotion
and sing your words/
The emotional liquid
floats up into your eardrums/
Splatters your brain with images
you can only dream from/

Angel

2008-01-11T17:39:00.000-08:00

01/11/08
01/17/08

Behold the birth of an onyx eyed angel
I'm paralyzed before I try to run/
A shadow blankets my reality
As her stare shows down the sun/
Lost and decrepit
I search for an out/
Her energy, I felt it
What do I do now/
Wings still wet
Unable to fly/
She's stranger than most
Objects that defy/
The gravity of my reality
That hangs onto the past/
I grasp for a remedy
I hope she can last/
(It's her, will it last/ )
She intercepts my soul
Propells it towards the stars/
I open my eyes and
Start to see how far/
I've come on this journey
I didn't plan to take/
She's infiltrated my being
And shaken me awake/
My Angel

National Poison

2008-01-11T17:38:00.000-08:00

01/11/08

Feeding poison to
All those who hear them/
Blinding neurons as they
Pass through the lies/
Placing masks over
Curious eyes/
Fooling the world
With governmental disguise/
Searing the souls of the poor
Who don't know/
That the battle is lost
But the blood will still flow/
Arrogance killing
rational relations/
Draining the life
out of neighboring nations/
The world will soon recognize
Our manipulations/
And leave us to our own
Nuclear disintegration

Resilience

2008-01-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

01/07/08 -unfinished

I've started to trust the truth again
It was buried amongst my demon's terror
I feel the chains of resentment begin
To loosen it's hold over shames only mirror
Weightlessness infiltrates my swollen pores
And lifts me up to familiar places
My heart is lifted up off the floor
Strengthening it's resistance to fear's many faces

Help Me

2007-12-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

12/01/07

Whenever I walk towards you
You make me walk away
Whenever I open up to you
You don't hear what I say
Whenever you ask me
Is everything ok
I turn to you and just reply
That I'm having a bad day

I'm trying to reach out to you
But you miss the signs I show
I'm drowning in my sorrows here
And I have nowhere else to go

Help me see why you're still her with me
Help me understand your plan
Maybe one day you'll see
Who I really am
I hope one day you can

Do you have the strength to save me
Before it gets too late
Can you chase out my insanity
And shake my heart awake

Will you dry the tears that
Rain upon my dreams
Sweep up my hopes before
They're swallowed by the streams
And help me open my eyes
To see you're still here with me

Help me see why you're still her with me
Help me understand your plan
Maybe one day you'll get to see
Who I really am
I hope one day you can

Emotional Distress

2007-11-28T11:30:00.001-08:00

11/28/07

I'm an emotionally deficient deviant
Unable to process normal human metal states
In a productive way
I'm always looking for the right words to say
To convey what's in my head
But my mind's dead
Most of the time
I walk a thin line
Between hate and a hollow existence
Always searching for a way out
Of my current situation
Avoiding the now
Stuck on the devil's exploitation

As I travel through hell's alleys
I find a valley
Hiding the reality of my experience
Fog covering the dilapidated roof tops
I stop
To take a peek

Twist the key and turn the knob
I drop
Down the abyss of my sub consciousness
Landing a top
Cushions of insanity
All nicely arranged
As if they were expecting me

I burrow through the rage
And try to gauge
How far I've fallen
Again
Climbing my way out of another mental crash
The routine is starting to become familiar

I burrow through the fear
And try to hear
For footsteps chasing me
Crawling towards the escape routes
I gotta get out
But my odds are looking dismal

Confessions of a dangerously Screwed up Mind

2007-11-27T12:59:00.000-08:00

06/12/07

Insecure and jealous
So fake and too selfish

Unloving and cold
A poisonous mold

I'm a liar and I'm weak
I'm a user and a cheat

I can't be alone, I'm co-dependant
I'm a hollow bitch filled with resentment

I'm an illusion and a fake
An undedicated flake

I'm a coward and a crook
Always running from the truth

It's always about me
And my poor instability

It's about the sorrow I've felt
And the cards I've been dealt

I seek pity from others
And lie to my lovers

I need attention I can't give
I consume their souls so I can live

My shame is buried within
I only show what I want seen

A deceptive confidence
Blinding their senses

What I do best is pretend
Then always leave them in the end

It's all about me
There's no hiding this
It's all about me
Can you taste my fake kiss
It's all about me
You'd better run soon
Cuz it's all about me
A girl where love has no room

Healing

2007-11-26T22:32:00.000-08:00

11/26/07

I'm sick of the line
That everything's gonna be fine
I just wanna be done
With my fucked up past life

I'm sick of trying
To grasp something I can't reach
I'm sick of dying
Everytime I dig deep

When will this be over
I just want this to be over
Can we just stop here
And not go any further?

When will I heal
Will I ever heal
When will I ever get to reveal
What my insides really feel

The secrets that slowly sear my soul
The secrets that I should have told
The secrets that haunt me as I get old
Because I chose to keep my mouth closed

I'm sick of remembering the same old thoughts
I'm sick of how my heart feels as it rots
And how I coulda had him caught
My failure puts my stomach in knots

The regret still follows me,
20 years later
It's continuously regurgitated
through my pen and my paper

Most of the time I just wanna give up
Throw my hands up and just yell "what the fuck!"
I'm still in the same place, nothing has changed
I still feel like I'm going insane

But something inside me pushes me on
A firey patch underneath the vast tundra
The hope that one day the pain will be gone
And I'll live a life w/out any wonder

Of what it could have been
Or what it could be
Instead there'll be serenity
Once I finally find me

Painful Goodbye

2007-11-22T23:54:00.000-08:00

11/22/07

Hate's toxicity seeping into the marrow of my bones
There's no more clarity when we start to die alone
Numbness blankets the once beating heart
Easing the pain of its embedded scar
Slipping further away from prospects of salvation
Accepting there will be no reconciliation
Suffering Karma's balancing act
To late for you to ever retract
The fact you succumbed to the devil's persuasion
And you alone decided to bow to temptation
You stole Eve's innocence to fill your perversion
Now she constantly searches for a diversion
To escape betrayal's memory triggers
Each shot gets closer, each bullet goes deeper
Now here we are at hell's front door
Karma's way of evening the score
Your fate awaits on the other side of this gate
Once you enter, I hope my shell disintegrates
While hell's fire roasts through your eternal existence
My paranoia will ease from the loss of your presence
But my heart still bleeds when I think of the day
The man I knew, suddenly went away
No more sun to worship, no one left to trust
The image of my Guardian transforming into dust
I pray the alchemy of hate is love
So one day I shall rise above
The river of tears overflowing the levees
And wash away all of these painful memories

I know Heaven

2007-09-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

09-04-07/12-03-07

I know hell
All too well
Friend or foe
I cannot tell
It struck me once
Then I fell
And it stole my stories
For a quick sell

Then here comes love
Who tries to save
An imprisoned mind
A captured slave

He warms the cold
As I hold
His heart in mine
And melts the mold

He makes sure
He's within
My wake
Always there
When I seek escape

When I knock
He always answers
Never hesitates
To hear my anger

Now someone new
Has just arrived
Her name is Heaven
And she heard my cries

She is wise
Beyond her days
Energizing me
With her gaze

She wakes me up
From prolonged sleep
Just in time
To count the sheep

She collapsed the air
Inside my lungs
Choking my hold
On what's been done

She speaks to me
Through her eyes
Cleansing my soul
And removing the lies

She's my new hope
And my inspiration
Leading me towards
The path of salvation

Lonely Waters

2007-08-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

08-17-07

I dream to one day bathe
In a pool of my pain and tears
Accompanied by his presence
And the protection of his heart
No need for more assistance
But I know he isn't far

He is waiting at the surface
Making sure I do not drown
He watches me dive
Deeper into my sorrow
He believes I will survive
But is always ready to follow
Follow me when I start to stray
When my thoughts start to spiral
And my spirit has lost its way

I feel his hold
As he carries me to the surface
He gets there quickly
I'm locked in his stare
He brings me up gently
To where the sea meets the air

Then he lets me go when I'm ready
To take another dive
Because he knows that through it all
I have the strength to survive

But alas, he's not wading in the water
He's not even in the same sea
He's on a distant land hoping for the day
I'll come out of my own misery

It's understandable, however
The waters are quite rough
The waves are harsh and brutal
Unsympathetic to your request
The sharpness of its memories
Make it hard to find any rest

So I continue to swim
Alone along this shore
Hoping to just find
My own piece of mind
Trying to depend
On myself and no other
But it would be nice to take this trip
Swimming by the side of my lover

Rainy Day II - 10/14/11

2007-06-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

I want to run away
Far from this grassy field
And hide up in the trees
Where no one can see
The depth of my impurity

I don't want to look at how much I hurt him each day
The torturous rant of my own persistence
Questioning, over and over again the real reason for my existence
A diabolical way to achieve peak resistance
An unnerving way to live

Draining the brightness from every beam of light
I wish to believe it will all be alright
Even if it were just a dream

Breaking the agreements I agreed upon
Forgetting the pain and accepting
That it's all already been done

So difficult, but easy
There is no peace treaty
The war won't end in my head
Whenever I go to bed, it follows me
Wherever I go, whatever I do
It still follows me

I let it take my happiness
My hate seeps over to this reality
All good is tainted, all bad is embraced
Sometimes I just want to rip off my face!

What is it like to be?
Swimming in a warm and calming sea?
Waves gently gliding and no one is hiding but me
Anything?
Water so clear you can see to the bottom
No dark and scary places to fathom

I wonder what it is like
To wake up knowing trust, and having love be your friend
Believing that you are worth loving in the end

Sometimes, when I look out the window
I still don't know how the rain falls
All I know is that the clouds hold the lies
And I understand how the sky feels when it cries
Sweet relief

Then it all starts to build up again
But I don’t know when
The downpour will come
Each time there's more
And I start feeling my eyelids getting sore

Each drop washing away grains of hope
Eroding the dream that one day I’ll find
The window through which I'll grab his hand
And follow him while leaving all this behind

Time for Bed

2007-06-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

02/26/07

My cries are silent
There is no whimper
Tears fall soft and quiet
Like snoflakes in winter

Muscles are tense
I cannot relax
Protecting me
From my memories past

Sometimes I wish
For some solitude
To get away
And change my mood
But I am surrounded
Inside my own hell
I have so much to say
But no one to tell

Convo with Trice

2007-05-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

05/17/07
02/18/08

Behold THE ONYX EYED ANGEL, WINGS STILL WET FROM THE WOMB
(Scanning her reality for some wisdom to consume)
CHALLENGING THE REALITY THAT WE SENT FAITH TO THE MOON
DECREPIT POSTURE LEFT RESPONSIBLE TO FOSTER
A FRESHLY PAINTED CANVAS, IMAGE NOT YET PONDERED
BRUSHES STILL DRY UNTIL DIPPED INTO THE PUDDLE
OF FRUSTRATION AND WANTS TOGETHER STILL MUDDLED

THE BURDENING WIEGHT OF RESPONSIBLITIES HATE,
CONTINUOUSLY POUNDING ON EACH VERTERBRAE
STRETCH, NO MORE
WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS KEEPING ME SORE
TIRED, DELAPIDATED HOUSES PEER THROUGH MY EYELIDS
FRONTAL LOBE PREVENTS ME FROM EVENING THE SCORE

UGLINESS SPACKLED AGAINST THE MIRROR, HOLES COVERING LEASONS OF DESPERATE HORROR
DRAINING DELUSIONS DRAWING CONCLUSIONS OF REASONS NOT KNOWN
TORMENT RAGES, VIENS CLOGGED
EXPLODING OUT FROM THE PRESSURE OF FATE
LIQUID SADNESS STREAMING HEAVILY DOWN, SUCKED UP BY GRAVITY
FICKLE FLAMES FLYING AND FUCKING EVERY MOMENT OF REALITY
HATE AS THICK AS AIR SUFFOCATING LIFE OUT OF THIS BLANK STARE
SHALLOW SHADOWS REFLECTING VIRTUES, HELD BUY THOSE ALREADY BURRIED
NO NEED TO PRAY, SINS ALREADY FORGOTTEN
TIME LEFT IN THE BOX, SOUL'S ALREADY ROTTEN

I FOLLOWED SOCRATES TO THE MOUNTAIN, BUT I'D ALREADY FOUND HIM
CONSUMED BY ERRONEOUS DESIRES, MY VISION WAS BLOCKED
I DID A BACKFLIP AND A CARTWHEEL
CUZ I THOUGHT I'D ARRIVE FASTER
BUT ALL ALONG, I FOUND THAT I WAS ALREADY THE MASTER
(But i found that my only hinderance was the tick of my clock)
BLOOD THICKER THAN WATER, I HAVE TO WONDER
NOT IN MY VILLAGE OF TRANSIENT IMPOSTERS
TRAPPED IN A CELL OF HOLLOW EXISTANCE
SLAVE TO THE TRADE OF CONTINUOUS RESISTANCE

Colab with TriceOne - Part II

2007-05-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

05-17-07/5-22-07/10/14/11

triceone:
Sick, ill faded create magic thru my fingers
encapsulate the vessel in which television secretes in
Feel it deep within the bones like marrow
Float across the shallow and dive deep into the shadows

crazyn:
Scratchin the surface my nerves are too nervous
Exploiting members, insecurity welling up through pores of escape
Rejection compounding hideous agitation combusting energy in the form of self hate

triceone:
An ample amount, a plethora of flavor
A copious concoction to captivate the savior
Behaviors and temperaments, it’s so simple yet it’s detriment
Crash landed on this planet and set forth to fight the elements

crazyn:
Salvia preserving purity unknown, wetting synapses before the aliens awake
Hiding behind their eyelids, conjuring the plan for my ninja’s escape

triceone:
I’m gonna mix it in attack from a different angle
With the harmonics from the guitar sample

crazyn:
Swallowing the cap, questioning this existence
Myriad of possibilities stuck in a seizure’s abyss
Releasing the confines of reality’s dark figure
Crushing the queen and pulling her cards trigger

So long..

2007-05-01T14:04:00.000-07:00

I've planted the seed
That makes my heart bleed
I pray to a god
That will never respond
I smoke all this weed
To get what I need
An escape from tomorrow
From memories horror
I breath in the smoke
That cause me to choke
I travel the sea
To avoid who I be
I burn in the sun
Before my life's done
I just want to go
So I no longer know
How my pain and my fear
Effect those who are near
I say goodbye to my friend
Because this is the end
My bags are all packed
And I ain't coming back

Glimmer of hope

2007-04-28T11:55:00.001-07:00

At times I feel like a rat
At the bottom of this dark well
Struggling to crawl out, unable to see
Not knowing if daylight will ever visit me
But sometimes, the sun
Breaks through my lack of elightenment
My hands are blistered
My fingers are numb
Still a flicker of hope
Burns inside me unhindered
It's always easy to fall back
Because gravity detracts
Our ability to soar
But hope pushes me to climb
To break free from the physical
And learn how to fly

Disgust

2007-03-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

02/26/07-04/14/07-11/26/07

I feel the fingers rape my body
I yell 'make it stop! make it stop please!'
I yell it till my lungs start to bleed
But no one arrives, I'm still all alone
I crawl into a dream and wait till it's done
I'd rather have acid drip out of my eyes
Or roast in the sun until my skin fries
But no
There will be no scars, no signs of my pain
I'll stay quiet and it'll happen again
I'm trapped in a cell without any walls
I stare blankly outside as the night starts to fall

You think this is funny GOD!!
Do you think this shit is funny!
I thought you're supposed to be here to protect me
Why did you leave
Does this shit amuse you?
I thought loving me was what you're supposed to do

Well fuck it, I'm done
This isn't fun
Anymore
Feeling like a worthless whore
Each sound, each motion, each memory creeps
Each time I'm about to go to sleep

I can't take it,
Fuck this shit
I'm tired of fighting
I'm over it, I hate it
I'm tired of crying

Goodbye...

anxiety 2

2007-03-04T00:46:00.000-08:00

10/16/06 - 11/18/06

Anxiety pounds against my body
My ribs are caving in
It's getting hard to breath
The air is getting thin
I wish I could just leave
Abandon all the fears
Escape from all the pressure
Dry up all the tears

I try to let go
Of the weight inside my heart
I don't know where to go
I hope it isn't far
I want to release the tension
And throw away my doubt
But then I start to panic
And look for a way out

Love is hard for me
I still hold resentment
From the wounds I've received
That have made me demented

But through the gloom
There is the sun
I love to hold her
We both are one
She keeps me sane
When sanity hides
She sticks by me
Through my silent cries

Can I change my perceptions
Can I place my bet
That this might work
Or is the path already set
I'm trying my best
To make all things right
We'll see where it goes
Hopefully it might