CRAZY UP TOP

seven years...

2011-06-10T07:11:00.003-04:00

Seven years ago today I did this.

Seven years!

Seven years ago today my last name changed, forever confusing people in waiting rooms who were looking for some precious Asian lady and instead got some huge white trash chick.

My "mother" has been married seven times and I've managed to pull off a marriage for seven years. It baffles me.

Marriage isn't always marshmallows and rainbows. I'm just glad I haven't messed it up too bad yet.

Well, here's to another seven...minutes, days, months or years.

Happy Anniversary Kai!

i made a poll. please vote or my dad will have to vote like 50 times so i don't cry

2011-06-06T23:56:00.000-04:00

Whenever I don't post for a while I always feel pressure to make my first post back super awesome.

Unfortunately this isn't one of those times. I just wanted to let you know that I am back. My sensasianal lover got me a new laptop. Get it? He's Asian and sensational. Sensasianal. Except now all I see in the word is anal. I should not be allowed to make up words.

Anyway, hopefully I won't break this laptop like I did the other ~~one~~ two.

To show my appreciation for those of you who take time out of your day to read my mindless jabbering I thought I would let you choose what you would like to hear about first. I've created a poll and posted it on the top right corner. Vote as many times as you want. I have no idea when voting ends, but probably sometime this week and I will post the story shortly afterwards.

Please vote so I don't feel lame. I've always wanted to create a poll so don't ruin this for me.

If you are viewing this in a reader or e-mail there is a poll on the site. Please visit to vote.

happy mother's day 2011 i got you a video of a dancing maniac

2011-05-08T06:00:00.057-04:00

When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified. It wasn't because of my marital status . It was probably due to ~~my relationship with~~ my mother.

I've been in the mothering game for a little over six years now. I would like to say it gets easier, but I don't think it does. Instead of worrying about what kind of diapers to buy, you worry about sending him off to school and hoping some douche bag doesn't pick on him.

Ethan, is an awesome person. I'm 95% certain I would still say that even if I hadn't gone through 34 hours of labor and a c-section to bring him into this world. He is kind, smart and funny. Basically, he makes my job as his mother easy.

I'm honored that he is the reason I get to celebrate Mother's Day.

Anyone that is not embarrassed to bust out dancing in the middle of a clothing store while their mother secretly records them is okay in my book. The most awesome part of this is that he had never heard this song before, but he totally rocked it.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the real mothers out there. I hope that you don't go out of your mind.

i should have gotten a fish

2011-05-04T06:00:00.002-04:00

I hate walking my dog at night. I get all paranoid that someone is going to jump out try and rob me just as I'm bending down to pick up some poop or someone will snatch me and all that will be left is my dog wandering around eating dog poop that other assholes didn't pick up. She's no Lassie so I would pretty much be screwed.

Sometimes I talk on the phone so any douche rocket muggers know there will be a semi-witness to their crime. Other times my Dad is too cool to answer the phone so I am able to really focus on my surroundings, which is what I should probably be doing anyway.

One night last week I was walking the pooch when I noticed a flash of light above me. Of course I'm nosy and looked up to find out what the hell was going on.

It was a lady on the second story of an apartment building fixing her blinds and curtains. Topless. As in her utters were hanging out in all of their gravity stricken glory for everyone to see.

I am pretty sure I got whiplash from looking down at the ground so fast. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her pause and stare at me for like thirty seconds. I had so many things running through my traumatized brain. Who the hell pauses to make sure there is really someone outside? Who the hell told this "lady" that if you are on the second floor people can't see you? Where is my kidnapper? She should look into spray tanning. Why has gravity been so cruel to her? Why the fuck is my dog pooping at a time like this?

I wonder if I tell Kai about my free show he will start walking the dog at night...

i'm the next andy warhol

2011-04-26T21:58:00.000-04:00

My kid has soccer practice on Tuesdays, which is totally pointless. They all still use their hands and kick the ball into the other team's goal and I'm not allowed to laugh, because the other mothers are way too sensitive.

After practice today we went to the grocery store for Cadbury Creme Eggs, breakfast sandwiches, TV dinners, Red Bull, grapes and water.* I didn't make a list for this crap it just ended up in my basket. I know you are totally judging me just like the super soccer mom we ran into who only had Diet Pepsi in her cart.

On the way home from my nutritional shopping expedition some maniac was pedaling his bicycle like a raging bat out of hell across four lanes of traffic and almost t-boned me.

I really wanted you to feel like you were there so I drew a picture.

To save time I'll answer your questions now. Yes, my eyes were open while drawing this. No, I do not drive a spaceship with ears.

Anyway.

I was outraged and curious about what drugs this guy was on.

Me: Oh my goodness! What was that guy thinking?

Ethan: Obviously he was thinking he wanted to get hit by a car today. Is he crazy we are in a car and he is on a bike?

This my friends was the debut of a true smart ass. My legacy will live on.**

*The grapes were for show.
**I probably should look into a new legacy.

kiss my ash

2011-02-21T05:00:00.002-05:00

I called my Dad to ramble on about myself when the following ~~not awkward at all~~ conversation unfolded.

Hey Dad. How's it going?

I've been thinking about what I want you do do with me when I die.

What? Were you just diagnosed with something?

No. No. I just want to be prepared. Plus I probably don't have long.

Dad! I'm calling your doctor.

I'm kidding. I do want you to cremate me and use the rest of my life insurance money for Ethan's college.

What if he doesn't go to college. Can we use it for bail money?

For who? Ethan?

Yes Dad, I'm too precious for jail.

Yeah. Sure. I've been looking online at prices and it usually runs about two thousand, but I've seen it as cheap at 900.

Wait. You want me to discount cremate you?

Yeah. What will I care? I'll be dead.

Do you want me to do anything special with your ashes?

I can't think of anything.

Oh. Ok. I'll just put them on my nightstand.

No don't do that what if you knock it over?

Yeah, you're right. I am really clumsy. Then I'll have to vacuum you back up and there will be lint and dog food mixed in. That would be weird.

I was thinking of giving you a list of people and having you throw a handful of my ashes in their faces.

Oooohh. That is a good idea. Or I can put you on my TV stand like my friend Nicola did for her mom, then when I go on road trips I'll put you in the backseat with Ethan.

Sure. Just put my favorite shows on when you go to work. Don't get me a fancy urn. Don't let anyone guilt you into it.

Great dad. I'll just discount cremate you and carry you around in a ziploc bag. Classy.

I know what I want for the inscription on my urn.

Oh ok. I'll write it down.

Kiss my ash.

do not let me near your electronics

2011-02-15T20:25:00.003-05:00

A couple of years ago I decided to save money and make coffee at home. I did not take into account my extreme clumsiness and accidentally spilled coffee on my laptop's keyboard. I pretty much turned a fifty cent cup of coffee into a $150 profit for Best Buy. That's how I roll.

In December my laptop turned on me. It would only charge when it wanted to or when I would wiggle the cable in just the right way. A couple of weeks later it stopped charging completely and now is a useless douche nugget.

I haven't been able to blog to the delight of many.*

Luckily for me I received an early V-Day and B-Day gift that is enabling me to peruse and abuse the interwebs again.**

*Basically, I'm writing this post to test a fancy schmancy blogging app I downloaded. Hopefully this post does not disappear after I hit publish.

**You can send all hate mail to my husband.

things that make me say bad words...part one

2011-01-18T21:07:00.000-05:00

Do you know what's bullshit?

Chain letters.

They promise your dog will explode or your first born daughter will be a masseuse in China Town and give happy endings if you don't forward the message to at least 29.5 people before you even open it.

When I open one of these douchetastic e-mails I am faced with so many questions why does the person that sent me this hate me? who actually follows these things around the world and finds out that somebody got trampled to death by some wild rabbits when they didn't forward this, why don't I know more than three people, will I still have bad luck if I send it to 3 people instead of seven?

You know what's even more bullshit? People are sending these out via text message. I recieved one a couple of weeks ago saying it was a Novena started by Mother Teresa in 1952 and had never been broken. Really? Mother Teresa was sending text messages in 1952?*

I am paranoid enough without recieving messages that not only promise bad shit, but remind me that I barely know five people.

*I sent it out to five people. You don't take chances with the Catholics. That's real talk. Those five people haven't spoken to me in weeks.

it's his party and i'll cry if i want to

2011-01-09T00:52:00.000-05:00

Big John is sixty today.

When I was growing up he was there to celebrate every birthday with me. The last birthday I celebrated with him was his 49th.

I know this is so cliche', but the older I get the more I realize how similar we are even though when I was younger I said I would never be like him. (Nothing personal Dad, I was just a huge asshole when I was younger. I'm sure you remember.)

Each time I make an inappropriate joke, kiss my son goodnight, or go out of my way for a friend or a stranger I realize I am becoming more like him.

This is what he told me about turning sixty Had I known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you and miss you!

P.S. How awesome is this creepy picture of us?! We totally look like zombies.

i will never be a track star and i'm pretty sure michael jordan hates me

2010-12-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

My husband loves Michael Jordan. Do you know what he loves more than Michael Jordan? Michael Jordan's shoes. If there was a fire and Kai could save me or his Jordans, I am pretty sure I would be shit out of luck.

Jordans are usually released on Saturdays. Of course Kai works on Saturdays so I get to stand in line with all of the teenagers and pretend that I don't look ridiculous there.
Last year I stood in line outside of the mall for thirty minutes waiting for the doors to open. As soon as the doors opened all of the people I was in line with took off running. It was like we were at a track meet inside the mall and the prize was some overpriced shoes for my husband. I had no other choice but to huff and puff my ass along with the teenage boys to the shoe store. When I regained consciousness got in line again I was informed that they didn't have his size. It kinda made the whole running thing even more insane.

This past Saturday a different pair of shoes was being released. I called the shoe store and found out they were opening at seven. I didn't want to leave empty handed again so I decided to get there at 6:30. Have you ever been in the mall at 6:30 on a Saturday? It is really creepy. You can't even use the regular entrance. You have to take the one that the serial killers and burglars use.

As I walked down the hallway of doom I was trying to decide which story I would tell about why I was there. Would I go with the truth or pretend I was there to get the shoes as a gift for my teenage son? When I got into the mall I was pissed. There wasn't anyone else there. Just me and the janitors. Totally not awkward. They kept staring at me and I was trying to look important in my Uggs and sweatpants. I decided to play Angry Birds on my phone to make me look more official.
I stood there for twenty-five minutes listening to insanely loud Christmas music. Why the hell was music even playing that early? It was really hard for me not to yell out, you can wish me a shut your mouth and open this shoe store.

Finally, the salesperson strolled in and was apparently still drunk from the night before or perhaps delusional.

Wow I can't believe there isn't anyone else here.
You getting this for a Christmas gift?
Uuuhh...yeah.
Wow I wish someone would do something like that for me. I wasn't sure if anyone would be here. I almost stopped and got some breakfast.
I'm glad you didn't.
Well I figure if Jesus can go forty days and forty nights without food I can go four hours.
Oh wow...uh you took it there huh?
I'm glad that I wasn't the only crazy one at the mall that morning.

here comes....a creepy guy?

2010-12-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago a flier came home from my son's school announcing breakfast with Santa. I was all Wow this is awesome! Ethan will be so excited. I will be the coolest mom ever! Who cares if it's at nine on a Saturday morning? Not me, I'm a super bad ass mom. I'm totally going to get a shirt with that printed on it.

Sometimes I get carried away when I'm thinking to myself.

I sent the money in and waited until a couple of days before the breakfast to tell Ethan about my super awesomeness. His response was total bullshit.

Uhhh...Isn't Santa fake? I thought he was only on TV.

Total bullshit right? He just turned six!

My uncle believed in Santa until he was like twelve.

Lying to your kids about Santa makes up for all the crap they put you through during the other eleven months of the year.

On Saturday I was nervous about taking him to have breakfast with a random stranger dressed in a red suit. I didn't want him to break it to the other kids and get us chased out of the school with pitchforks. I had to threaten him. It was my only option.

When we got to the school I made sure we sat at a table by ourselves. When the creepy guy with a pillow shoved in his red suit walked in I was proven correct in my decision to isolate us.

Mommy, I think that is a guy just dressed like Santa. Why did he do that?

Ridiculous.

Luckily he didn't ruin the Santa fantasy for any kids or parents.

I'm also screwed out of playing the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.*

I wish he would use his genius for good instead of being a dream killer.

*I'm sort of relieved about the tooth fairy thing, because I was not looking forward to climbing into his bunk bed and rummaging around for a tooth.

do not tell my husband you heard this from me

2010-11-16T22:18:00.001-05:00

I usually don't play games on my phone, but when I find one I like I can't stop. The other night I was playing a game that involved me being a train conductor. I felt like Denzel.

In the middle of a very important track change I heard a thud from the bathroom where my husband was showering. Since I was in the middle of a very important track change I wrote it off as a shampoo bottle falling.

Ten minutes later I was summoned to the bathroom.

Babe! Get in here and shut the door!

What the hell is going on? Why are you on all fours in the tub with the shower running?

I fell. Didn't you hear that loud noise? I can't stand up.

Yeah. I was busy. Wait. You didn't scream. Why didn't you scream?

I'm a man! Men don't scream!

Come on I'll help you up.

No you have to wash me.

It was at this point I started to get very nervous and millions of things started running through my head. Oh my goodness he broke something! How am I going to get him out of here? Did I pause my game? How am I going to cover his eggroll and dumplings before the paramedics arrive?

Dude. I am so not washing you. Do I look like a nurse's aide?

Come on!

Fine! I grabbed the loofa-on-a-stick thing and began to wash him like he was a clydesdale. I can't really reach anything. How are we going to get you out of here?

Stop interrogating me.

I don't know what is more awkward, washing your husband or explaining to your six year old why you had to wash their father.

how to not be an idiot at the grocery store

2010-11-05T12:49:00.003-04:00

Image by annethelibrarian via Flickr

I feel like it's my duty to address something that has gotten way out of hand.
Self checkouts.
I've seen quite a few people that are putting way too much confidence in themselves when it comes to self checkouts. There need to be rules and they need to be followed.
When I get off of work and make an emergency run to the grocery store for Red Bull, Twizzlers, shake 'n bake, and applesauce I expect to be in out. I don't want to stand there for twenty minutes staring at some lady who doesn't know how to spell bananas and can't look up the code. If you have produce of any kind stand in line and wait for a human to ring up your items.
There needs to be a limit on the number of items you should bring to the self checkout. The bag area can not hold your cart full of ding dongs and frozen pizzas, which will piss off the machine and delay your checking out process resulting in me being delayed. If you have over 15 items stand your ass in line and wait for a human to ring up your groceries.
If you are paying with a check you should probably just punch yourself in the face, especially if you don't have any part of the check filled out. You knew you were going to Kroger, what the date is and you already know how to sign your name. Do it BEFORE you are standing there with an audience of fifteen people giving you the death stare. This goes for the regular checkout lines as well. Have some common courtesy people.
The person monitoring the self checkouts is not there to do the scanning and bagging for you. I'm looking at you banana lady. That is why it's a SELF checkout. If they are helping you, they can't help me when the asshole machine thinks I added extra stuff to the bagging area or I accidentally leaned on the scanner and the machine is trying to calculate the weight of my gut.
If you are in line behind me and there is an open register, do not point it out to me. I see it AND the out if order sign on it. Trust me. I don't want to be standing there having you stand insanely close to me any longer than necessary.
Seriously people. Just because you have seen a cashier ring up your stuff does not mean that you are one. I can stand in a garage, but that doesn't mean I'm a car.

my kid is the next magic eraser spokesman

2010-10-27T21:45:00.004-04:00

Parenting is hard y'all.

Actually being a parent is full of the awesome. You always have someone to get you a soda from the fridge or change the channel for you when you can't find the remote.

The act of parenting and making sure your spawn doesn't grow up to be a complete douche canoe is the hard part. Over the past six years I have learned that not everything is black and white. There is a whole lotta fucking grey.

During a recent homework assignment we discovered that somebody's number twos looked like sea horses. No big deal. It could happen to anybody. We told "somebody" that he could not watch TV until he made five decent twos. Not great twos. Decent.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. My husband was under the impression we had a burglar and was investigating in "somebody's" room while I snored my lazy ass off. During the investigation he discovered this

Why yes! That is a wall in my son's bedroom covered in over 100 twos. Thanks for asking.

Some of them were pretty damn good. Here is where the grey area comes into play. Sure he wrote on his wall in orange and purple crayon, but at least he was practicing writing his numbers.

Here is my favorite part

Lucky for my kid I am as big of a smart ass as he is and chose to see the humor in it.

the chris rock of kindergarten

2010-09-28T21:08:00.005-04:00

Lately I have been working with my son on sounding out words. He is getting pretty good at it, but gets a little confused sometimes.

The other morning we were eating breakfast. By we were eating breakfast I mean he was eating soggy frosted flakes and I was ironing on the kitchen table.

Mommy! How do you think my day was yesterday?

Uuummm...I don't know how was your day?

Well when I comed home it was ok, but on the playground it was not so good. He really said "comed", but I was too interested in the conversation to correct him.

Why?

Somebody called me a bad word

Who?! What did they say?

I can't remember.

What? Go brush your teeth.

A little while later while I was making his lunch, Mr. Forgetful walked into the kitchen

I remembered who called me the bad word and what they said.

Who said it?

Joelle

Is that a boy or girl?

A boy. He called me the H word.

The H word? What is the H word?

....

It's ok say it this one time and you won't get in trouble.

Mudderfucker

Stay away from that kid.

He's my friend and he is hilarious.

Apparently this kid is like the Chris Rock of kindergarten walking around making jokes about boogers and calling people "mudderfuckers".

Imagine my surprise when I was at Ethan's soccer game on Saturday and I hear a kid say "Ethan!" to which Ethan replied "JOELLE! What are you doing here?"

I finally got to meet the Chris Rock of Kindergarten and according to a certain witness I was incredibly loud when telling this story and almost caused a fight. I find this very hard to believe. I am very shy and considerate of everyone's feelings.

does anyone know a good travel agent?

2010-09-08T22:29:00.001-04:00

My husband likes to have nightly chats with me, which is awesome except that he is sitting on the toilet and I am perched on the edge of the bathtub.

I'll give you a minute to get rid of the mental picture.

We discuss all sorts of things. He likes to ask me questions and then shoot down my answers. He is nice like that.

Hey do you wanna go on vacation next year?

Yeah let's go to Florida to visit my sister

That's fucking lame. Let's go to Italy dude.

What the hell are we going to do in Italy with Ethan?

I'm going to backpack across Italy.

What?! You can't even backpack across the street. People backpack across Europe not just Italy stupid.

Why do I need to backpack across the street when I can just drive?

How are you going to carry all your snacks and crap across Italy with just one backpack?

I'm going to have my suitcase in a hotel room.

Sooo you're going to waste money on a hotel room while you are backpacking? You can't have a hotel room while you are backpacking. That's lame.

I'm going to take a Taxi back to my hotel every night.

That's not backpacking.

Uuummm. I'm wearing a backpack so it's backpacking.

It's not fucking backpacking. It's touring while wearing a backpack.

Whatever! Well I am certainly not going suitcasing across Italy.

Just because you are wearing a backpack doesn't mean you are backpacking. I wear cross trainers to work and I certainly don't cross train.

why i don't tell my husband i'm going to the grocery store

2010-09-06T20:24:00.004-04:00

Hey I'm going to the store. You want anything?

What are you getting?

Milk

Ooooooo

?

Get me some cereal. I don't care if it's name brand.

What flavor?

Get me something fruity

Fruity Pebbles?

No I like mine in loops*

Ummmm Fruit Loops?

BINGO!

*This was said while making a loop shape with his fingers. Apparently he doubts my ability to identify loops.

do i look like a newsstand?

2010-08-15T16:53:00.003-04:00

This morning when I went to retrieve my Sunday paper I got a little surprise.

I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. It was not a love letter from the paper boy expressing his undying love for me. A girl can dream though. I should note that I have no idea who my paper boy is or if he is even a boy since I am not awake when he/she brings my paper.

I opened the letter and immediately recognized the handwriting. My fucking neighbor and his ridiculous notes. At least he didn't have his lawyer contact me this time.

A few questions came to mind as I opened the note:

1. Why didn't he just steal the damn paper?

2. How early did he get up to leave this note?

3. Why did my husband subscribe to the paper in the first place?

4. Can this guy only write in capital letters?

5. Why did he write his address and then put an address sticker on the letter? Dude I know where you live. Seriously. I really wish I didn't but I do.

6. What the hell is the Sunday Post? Is that the whole paper? A section of the paper?

If I didn't have to live next to this guy I would leave this on his door.

I really hope this guy moves or runs out of paper soon.

i'm taking my p-u-d-d-i-n-g and moving to europe

2010-07-18T17:00:00.005-04:00

There are several benefits to having a child that can't spell or read.

Here are my top five:

5. They don't know when a birthday card is addressed to them so you can take the cash out of it and they will never know (I would never do this, but I am sure someone has)

4. You and your spouse can spell out delicious treats that you plan plan to eat in the bathroom with the door locked so your kid wont ask for any (unless you have a husband like mine who gets confused and you have to spell something 20 times and end up just yelling the word out anyway)*

3. They can't read menus at restaurants so you are still able to lie and say a restaurant only serves grilled chicken and broccoli instead of burgers

2. You can turn a 20 page book into a five page book. (Unless they really hate you and have memorized the book)

1. When your child calls you into your room because "the remote won't work" and you find this on the TV, you don't have to answer any questions. I'm not even ready to explain where babies come from. Ethan thinks I ordered him off the internet.

I am SO not ready to explain what a Euro slut is and why she is all nude and exposed.

*My husband really can spell. He just gets impatient and tries to guess what I am spelling and the word he substitutes never makes sense.

i got screwed out of fame and ten thousand bucks

2010-07-11T12:48:00.002-04:00

I have a problem. I can't say no to people. Sure I can say no to drugs and dudes with fast cars that promise to love me forever, but other than that I am all FINE! I'll do it!.

When I was asked to be a designated hitter for a softball team, because six other people had declined I knew I should say no. I pansied out and reluctantly agreed, because I ~~was repeatedly badgered into it~~ am a nice person.

I prepared for the game by getting myself a sports bra that did more than just give me a uni-boob, because Crazy Up Top doesn't only refer to my awesome brain people. I also stopped and got myself a JOOSE, because I am a classy broad. I am so classy I put it in one of those Slurpee cups with The Big Show on it.

I sat on the bench ~~hoping that there would be three outs before it was my turn to bat~~ cheering my team on. Finally, it was my turn at bat or whatever you call it. I walked to the plate and said a little prayer to sweet baby Jesus that I would not injure myself, because HELLO I am the clumsiest person I know. I was very aware of the fact that my husband was filming me. I swung the bat and actually connected with the ball. Yay me! I dropped the bat and took off running.

I made it maybe two steps and fell.

I fucking fell.

On my stupid clumsy face, elbow, and knee.

I heaved myself off the ground and took off for first base and of course didn't make it in time. I mean why would I? I was laying on the ground in front of God and everybody. Why should I retain any dignity? I went out of my way to give money to a homeless person the day of the game and THIS is how the universe thanks me? Karma schmarma.

When I returned to the bench everyone wanted to know what happened. All I could do was laugh so that I could keep the tears away. After laughing for 30 minutes, my husband came to check on me. I told him I wanted to watch the video, because I don't care who you are falling is hilarious. He then crushed my hopes of being an internet sensation or winning 10,000 on America's Funniest Videos, because he decided he would be nice and not record me during my first time to the plate. Really? Nice? He was being nice?

Basically I fell for no reason and two days later my body is still pissed at me AND I can't even let others share in the joy of it.

If you need anyone to fill in for your random sports team I'm so there. At least I would make all of your crappy players feel better about themselves.

you know you want to buy me something. right?

2010-07-07T21:54:00.003-04:00

You know what really grinds my gears?

Those e-mail coupons that you get during the month before your birthday. Seriously. If I am buying my own presents AND I need a coupon to do it heads are gonna roll.

What is the big idea with these things? Am I supposed to hand them out to my friends? That wouldn't be awkward.

Hey! So my birthday's coming up!

Uh ok?

So, I know you really want to get me something and you are a cheap ass so I thought I would help you out.

Wow! How thoughtful of you to think of ME on YOUR birthday.

I know right! That is why I totally deserve something and I don't even care if you use one of these e-mail coupons. Your choice.

Soooooooo?

Do you want to save ten dollars off of fifty? Or 25 off 100? No pressure.

Fuck off.

Dude it's my birthday month you shouldn't speak to me like that. Come on it says right here it's a sweet deal!

I may be onto something here.

i'm getting a wig or changing my name to ron (now with pictures!)

2010-06-29T22:42:00.003-04:00

On Saturday I went to get an unnecessary haircut. It seemed like a good idea. Sorta. I explained to Hilda how I wanted her to cut my hair. She nodded and gave me the impression that she knew what the hell I was talking about. Apparently Hilda should get an Oscar, because she sure as shit didn't cut my hair like I wanted her to.

When she was done I just stared at myself in the mirror telling myself that it wasn't as bad as I thought. I reluctantly got out of the chair to go pay. My precious son greeted me with Wow you look like a man now! hahahahahahahahahaha. Hilda looked at him with eyes that said I'm sorry I made your mom look like a douche and lyingly told him No she doesn't. That's not nice. Ethan responded with hahahahaha. Why did you do that? I unfortunately paid Hilda and left.

I sat in the car and couldn't stop staring at myself. I texted a picture to my husband who responded with this

I like how he added the douchey smiley face. Is he a sixteen year old girl? Seriously. Is that supposed to make it all better?

When Ethan piped up from the backseat with Maybe you should go back to Hair Cuttery and see if they can make you look like a girl again, I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I went with laughter, because I don't care who you are that is comedic genius.

I know people say Oh it's only hair. It'll grow back. You know who says that? People that aren't in the midst of an unintentional dude hair cut while having their five year old mock them like a pro.
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Since I had a ~~million~~ two requests for a picture, I thought I should oblige.

Here is my ~~mugshot~~ haircut picture. You can tell how totally stoked I was. Also, I need botox in my forehead. Don't act like you didn't notice.

Here is the side view. Feathered 1985 bangs anyone? You get the full mini-mullet view from this angle.

Commence laughing...NOW. You're welcome.

the next person with a lame bumper sticker or sign gets the finger

2010-06-24T23:27:00.003-04:00

Today when I was driving to work a car passed me with one of those lame "BABY ON BOARD" suction cup things. My first thought was Who gives a shit? Seriously.

Why should I care that your car contains a baby? Am I supposed to honk in support? Show pity? Pull over and nurse your baby? Get a life people. Stop distracting me with your boring signs. Give me some information that is going to separate you from the pack.

Does anyone care that my car contains a fat chick? No.

I think we all should drive around with signs on our windows to let passersby know our business. Just to help us get things off our chest.

Here are some signs I wouldn't mind seeing while I am chugging coffee and telling myself that today couldn't possibly suck too bad.

METH ADDICT ON BOARD

WHITE GIRL WITH NO RHYTHYM ON BOARD

GAS MASTER ON BOARD

DIRTY WHORE ON BOARD

MARIJUANA ENTHUSIAST ON BOARD

THIRTY YEAR OLD MAN THAT STILL LIVES AT HOME ON BOARD

HOME WRECKER ON BOARD

STREET PHARMACIST ON BOARD

TEACHER THAT SLEEPS WITH HER STUDENTS ON BOARD

SHRINK THAT GETS DRUNK AND TELLS MY PATIENTS' BUSINESS ON BOARD

PHANTOM SHITTER ON BOARD

It's time we spice things up while we are in traffic. What sign would be on your car?

you know you wish you could drive me to my doctor appointments

2010-06-20T19:59:00.001-04:00

Everyone knows doctor appointments suck. Big time. The only time I go to the doctor when I am supposed to is when I am taking my son in for his check ups. I like to think of it as putting the health of my son before my own, instead of what it really is...absolutely ridiculous.

In the past two weeks I have been at the doctor for me. Hooray for being a big girl. It sucks. My most recent visit required that I fast prior to my appointment for some blood work. I totally knew it would be easy and not affect me at all.

The following outlines why I should not be allowed in public without coffee. Who am I kidding I shouldn't be allowed in public at all.

8:45 Arrive 15 minutes early for my appointment hoping that I will be seen on time meaning that I will get to the sweet nectar that is coffee sooner rather than later.

8:50 Look through photo album of adorable babies and remember that I will never mother another precious baby.

8:55 Almost make a lady spit her gum out in my hand, because she doesn't know how to chew responsibly. I shouldn't hear you smacking your gum from across the room rudeness!

9:02 I am finally alone in the waiting room. The five people that came after me and "the chewer" have been called back.

9:05 A pregnant lady, her husband, mother, and one year old son arrive for an ultrasound and keep babbling to the kid about how he is going to meet his baby today. The kid screams at them. The pregnant lady is skinnier than me. I hate her.

9:07 The one year old will not stop staring at me. I wish his parents would tell him how rude he is being.

9:10 I'm alone in the waiting room again. It takes every ounce of self control not to make an ass out of myself to the receptionist for me not being called back yet.

9:12 I pick up a magazine and realize it's lame and go back to writing this dumb timeline in my phone.

9:15 Finally called back for blood work by a nurse who is unable to stop having a personal conversation with the receptionist when I approach her. I say nothing since she is about to shove a needle in my arm.

9:19 Back in the waiting room. "The chewer" is here! This has to be like some sort of karma payback. I look through my purse for something to shove in my ears.

9:25 A different nurse calls me back for an ultrasound of lady town.

9:27 Sitting on a table naked from the waist down waiting for the ultrasound technician to return.

9:35 Still sitting on the table naked from the waist down waiting for the ultrasound technician to return.

9:37 The ultrasound technician returns and is way too perky. I bet she had coffee this morning.

10:10 Appointment is over. I race out the door to find the nearest coffee seller.

10:20 I try not to make out with the lady at Subway as she hands me a cup of coffee.

It is obvious that I should not be allowed in public without adult supervision.

i like my weddings just a little on the trashy side

2010-06-15T23:10:00.001-04:00

Lately I have been reminiscing about my awesome "wedding".
A few days prior to the "big day" my soon to be baby daddy very romantically said to me Hey you wanna get married on Thursday? Our vacation is over on Friday" Since he put it that way there was no way I could turn him down.

It didn't help that I had apparently been transported back into the 1950s and thought that because I was "with child" I should marry the lucky man that had impregnated me. (Dad I did not have sex before I got married or after. Ethan is some sort of magic baby)

We went out that same day and purchased some rings. The following day we went to the court house and got our marriage license and a list of people that could take our freedom away join us together forever. There were quite a few names and their locations on the list. Ranging anywhere from funeral homes to private residences.

I have nothing against funeral homes, but I just couldn't see myself waddling into one to be married. I called the first name on the list that was not a funeral home. A very nice lady by the name of Ruby answered and agreed to marry us at her house later that day.

Since I was about five months pregnant with my magic baby and could only fit old sweatpants, I had to go shopping for some fancy attire. I settled on white capri pants and a shirt that is only acceptable to wear if you are pregnant and have no sense of style. My groom settled on a button up shirt and jean shorts. We looked like we were going to Wendy's for a cheeseburger instead of embarking of one of the most important days of our lives.

Ruby turned out to be a very sweet lady in her eighties. I loved it when she informed us that I did not have a proper wedding ring and she only got slightly annoyed when I could barely stop laughing long enough to say my vows.

After the ceremony we went to eat at Olive Garden with two out of three of the people that were in attendance. It is not the wedding that most people dream of having, but if you know me it makes sense that I was knocked up, wearing capri pants, and got lost on the way to my own wedding.

I am totally not the white dress, more than three people in attendance at my wedding type of person.