As I post this, it’s Tuesday, Oct. 18. This Saturday, Oct. 22, 2011 I’ll be getting married, then heading off on my honeymoon. I hope you won’t be too disappointed, but for the next few weeks, I’m going to be on hiatus. I’m planning to turn off technology as I focus my attention on the start of my married life.

But don’t worry. I’ll be back. I’m loving all the great conversations I’m having with people here for Create the Map. I’m very appreciative of how much people are willing to share and open up.

I am planning to return to posting on Nov. 8.

In the meantime, I encourage you to click on the various sections above and check out some of the past interviews and articles.

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About Today’s Subject:
Matt Darst

Creator of: Dead Things
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Website: www.deadthingsthenovel.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/deadthingsthenovel

The Vulnerability of Sharing Your Art with the World

Matt Darst recently published his first book, Dead Things.  The picture you see here is from one of the public readings he’s done from his book.  In the interview below, Matt mentions that he felt more nervous doing his first public reading from his book than he did making motions before trial judges, testifying at city council hearings, and presenting before conferences.  You see, Matt’s not your typical author.  In addition to being a first time novelist, Matt also has a background as a lawyer and a former first deputy director at the City of Chicago.  There are few things in this world that make you feel quite as vulnerable as sharing your art with the world, but for those driven to create art, it’s what you must do.  Matt is a great example of having the guts to share your art with the world around you.

“There is no greater puzzle than a book waiting to be written.” -Matt Darst

Before we go any further, I think it’ll be helpful to share with you a brief overview of Dead Things.  Here’s a synopsis taken from the book’s website.  (Hint: It involves zombies!)

Nearly two decades have passed since the fall of the United States.  And the rise of the church to fill the void. Nearly twenty years since Ian Sumner lost his father. And the dead took to the streets to dine on the living.

Now Ian and a lost band of survivors are trapped in the wilderness, miles from safety. Pursued by madmen and monsters, they unravel the secrets of the plague…and walk the line of heresy.

Now Ian and this troop need to do more than just survive. More than ever, they must learn to live.

Dead Things has been called “an amalgam of Clerks and everything Crichton and Zombieland.”  It’s available in just about any ebook format you can imagine, including Nook, Kindle, iPad, iPhone, and the iPod.

A Few Lessons from My Conversation with Matt

1. Surround yourself with people who encourage you. Matt advises that if you enjoy something, stick with it, no matter how long it takes.  He had the idea for this book for more than 6 years, but he worked over time to bring it to life thanks in part to family and friends encouraging him.
2. Find your space. It took over two years from when Matt mentioned the idea of a book to his brother to when he realized he really needed to start carving out “me time” to work on making it happen.  If you care about something, then be sure you carve out time to devote to it.
3. Look for inspiration everywhere around  you. Matt mentions that someone he shared a job and a commute with inspired one of his characters.

Our Conversation

Jay Delaney: Can you give us the cliffs notes version of your bio and tell us about something you’re working on that you’re excited about?

Matt Darst: Sure.  I grew up in a very creative environment.  My mom and dad are both artists, and I had the benefit of their encouragement.  I loved books and writing fiction as a kid.  My dad would often let me collaborate on skits or plays he was working on.  By twelve, I was begging my parents for a typewriter.  I spent countless hours hammering out stories on that thing.

Oddly enough, those experiences didn’t lead to a job in the arts.  Rather, I did the complete opposite and went to law school.

My career path and my love of writing probably seem a bit contradictory.  It is hard to reconcile because, admittedly, school and work delayed any artistic output for years.  But being an attorney also informed my writing.  Legal writing, at its core, is about conveying a clear and persuasive message.  So, from that perspective, law really helped me hone my writing.

I finished writing my first book in early 2010.  It’s called Dead Things, and it’s a mash-up of horror and science fiction.  Kind of a George Romero meets Michael Crichton.  Or Richard Matheson meets H.G. Wells.  You get the idea.  It is now an ebook and will be released as a paperback shortly.

I’m really excited to promote it.  Marketing seemed pretty daunting at first: websites, author blogs, readings, reviews, etc.  But I’m having a lot of fun with it.  Marketing is as much about creativity as writing.

I’m excited, too, about my second book.  I’m still deep in the process of writing it (and there will be rewrites), but I really like where it’s going.

Jay Delaney: Some of the creatives I know have a tough time focusing in on one specific idea to see through to completion.  What made you decide to focus your energy on writing a book?  How tough was it to settle in on that and see it through to completion?

Matt Darst: Distractions come in many forms, and the day-to-day aspects of life conspired to slow the pace of the book more than any other creative endeavor.  Before putting pen to pad I read a lot about what it takes to write a book.  It is, by all accounts, a frustratingly slow process, especially when you’re a perfectionist.  Knowing that in advance helped me stay the course.

Jay Delaney: How soon after you had the idea did you actually start working on the book?  What was the first step you took to get started?

Matt Darst: I had a rough idea for a book six or more years ago and mentioned it to my brother and sister around Christmas.  The next Christmas came and went without anything but some research to show for it.  Sometime during the next year (almost two years after I first mentioned the concept) I was blathering on about it again to my brother, and he stopped me.  “When are you going to stop talking about it and start writing it?” he asked.  Wow, the honesty of a brother!  But he was dead on the money.  That’s when I realized I needed to really commit myself to writing and carve out bits of “me time” to spend on the book.  Finding your space is critical.

Jay Delaney: How do you think your education and previous work experience has informed your writing?

Matt Darst: Looks like I preempted your question.  Sorry.  I can add something, though.  Although my education and work experience inform how I write, they also play a role in what I write.  That’s important.  Experienced writers will tell you that it’s critical to write what you know.  My characters may all seem very different, but there are pieces of me—and my school and work experiences—in each one.  I once even shared a job and a commute with one character.

Jay Delaney: What have you learned so far from publishing a book?

Matt Darst: I could write a book on self-publishing.  And someone really should.  While there are a number of good books on writing, there aren’t any truly complete discussions on publishing out there…at least that I could find.  And I scoured the net and bookstores.  So, as a first time author, you really have to incorporate a lot from various sources and be a DIYer.

But I learned something else too.  It is scary sharing your work with others.  I mean horrifying.  To add some context: I’ve made motions before trial judges, testified at council hearings, and presented before conferences. None of that compared to the nervous tension I felt before I did my first public reading.  I was literally a wreck!  But at the same time, it was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

Jay Delaney: How often do you get stuck creatively, and how do you get unstuck?

Matt Darst: Everyone gets stuck occasionally.  Eventually, though, the words come.  Unfortunately, it might be in the shower, walking the dog, or during a dream.  So I try to keep a notepad close.

Honestly, I’d rather collaborate on projects.  Ideas beget ideas, and brainstorming really stirs creativity.  That’s why, I think, so many bands are better than each individual contributors solo material.  But brainstorming is difficult to do with writing.  Unless you’re co-authoring something, what you put on the page really has to be yours and yours alone.  So I do the next best thing: I talk about it with my family or a friend.  Generally the answer hits me as I describe the problem.

Jay Delaney: How are you defining success with this first book?

Matt Darst: I received an advertisement in the mail the other day from a consulting group.  It said something like, “Learn the secrets of becoming a rich author,” by calling some 800 number.  I had to laugh.  If that’s how people define success when it comes to their creative pursuits, they have it all wrong.

I write because I like to write.  I like to problem solve.  And there is no greater puzzle than a book waiting to be written.  If I finish the puzzle, that’s a success.

Now I’m not going to lie and say that’s where it all ends.  I definitely don’t begrudge people who can make a living doing what they love creatively.  Truth be told, I want people to read my book.  I want them to like it.  And I want them to tell others about it.  But that’s gravy, if you will.  I’ll continue to write regardless.

Jay Delaney: What advice can you offer to people out creating their own paths and finding their own way in the world?

Matt Darst: I’m a first time author, so I can’t pretend to have all the answers.  But I do know this: if you enjoy something, stick with it, no matter how long it takes.  Find time to do it, and surround yourself with people who encourage you.  Celebrate even the smallest win as you move down your creative path.  Those victories will help you keep your eye on the prize…as you alone define it.

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Some of my greatest fulfillment in life has come from creating.  Creating websites.  Creating movies.  Creating marketing pieces.  The opportunities abound to express yourself.  Sometimes all the opportunities can be paralyzing though.  Creation takes time and care.  Sometimes I have had trouble deciding on what to create for fear that the time and care I put into it will be wasted.  However, the reality of creating is that nearly all acts of creation lead us to new insights, new ideas, and new confidence.  Real creating requires completing.  While I imagine no two people create in exactly the same way, I’m going to share my approach to creating with you:

1. Decide what I want to create
2. Seek out inspiration
3. Figure out how to create
4. Create

First, I decide what I want to create. This can be challenging.  For me, it’s usually the hardest part of the whole process.  Maybe it’s a film.  Maybe it’s a book.  Maybe it’s a blog.  Maybe it’s a business.  Maybe it’s a greeting card.  All of these have been on my list at some point or another.  Sometimes we place too much importance on WHAT it is and feel stressed about picking the right thing.  There are no right or wrong answers though.  If your head is a jumbled mess of ideas of what you want to create, that’s great!  The more passion, the more inspiration, the better.  At this point, I try to get everything out of my head and onto paper.  I write down everything I want to create.  The more, the merrier.  When I get overwhelmed or worried about fitting everything into this one life I’ve been given, I just try to remind myself that it can all happen in due time.  After I’ve written down everything, I force myself to pick one project.  For me, it works best when I can focus my attention on one project.  I don’t really understand why multi-tasking is so admired; for me, best results come when I focus blindly on one thing.  (If while I’m focusing blindly on one thing other ideas come along, then I jot them down so I can focus on them later.)  At this point, I have identified a project and decided what I want to create.

Then, I seek out inspiration. Inspiration can come from the strangest of places.  Still images have inspired me.  Films have inspired me.  People have inspired me.  Sometimes just seeing someone on a bus can inspire me.  The important thing to note though is that the most helpful kind of inspiration usually comes after I have decided what I want to create.  Some people wait to create until they get inspired.  But too often, inspiration doesn’t come if you’re just sitting around waiting for it to hit you of the blue.  Even though I’m searching for inspiration at this point, I’m still staying open to whatever comes my way.  There are two ways that I have had success in finding inspiration.

1. Seeking out external inputs like movies, music, photographs, and stories; then just going wherever they happen to take me.  Interestingly enough, often what inspires me probably isn’t what the creator intended to inspire me.
2. Seeking inward by writing out a question and then freewriting until I find the answer.

Feeling inspired doesn’t always mean that I have a clear path laid out.  It’s usually just the passion and fuel that I need to really get started on the manual labor involved in creating.

Then, I figure out how to create. In this phase, I figure out the manual labor necessary to make things happen.  Sometimes I may have some idea of how to do something.  Other times I don’t have a clue.  It doesn’t really matter though because I know I’ll figure it out somehow.  Art that’s meaningful to me doesn’t come with an instruction manual.  This phase is highly customized to the particular arena in which I’m operating.  And sometimes this can take a little while.  The goal here should not be perfection though.  Once you feel like you have an idea for how to tackle 75% of the project, you should just take a leap of faith and get started.  When I wanted to make a movie, I spent a few months living in NYC working as a production assistant, and concurrently I took a continuing education course at the School of Visual Arts in filmmaking.  Through the P.A. work and the film course, not only did I pick up some ideas on how to make the film, but I also got access to equipment to help get the job done.  By the end of that class, I had completed a film.  All that really matters here is that you figure out the how of creating.  You have to trust that you can and will figure out how.

And lastly, I create. Creating something requires courage.  While nearly everyone has the capacity to create, many choose not to create.  It takes discipline and persistence.  Every single time I have created something, I have run into hurdles to climb that I never could have anticipated at the start.  Sometimes I’ve run low on funding.  Other times, inspiration has vanished.  Other times, technology has failed me.  It doesn’t matter.  These are all just excuses.  The times that I have given into these excuses, I have walked away discouraged and disappointed.  But it’s such an adrenaline rush when I have plowed forward and told myself, “Okay, so this happened.  Now how do I work through this?”  Sometimes creating results in failing.  That’s okay too.  The sheer act of creating will take you to new places you never could have imagined.  And sometimes, creating is simply another form of inspiration that pushes you forward on another project on your list.  Ultimately, everything ends up being connected to each other.  It’s just a matter of me clearing my mind to be able to see how it all fits together.  Creating is the key to connecting the dots.  I have a feeling you already know what creating means; it’s just a matter of doing it.

Now, what will you create?

About the Picture Above

This shot was taken in Ohio in January 2006 from the film shoot for a documentary I produced/directed called Not Your Typical Bigfoot Movie.

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About Today’s Subject:
Irvina Kanarek

Creator of: Rewrite Beautiful
Location: Orange County, California
Website: Rewrite Beautiful
Twitter: @irvinakanarek

Combining Three Passions Into a Nonprofit

Irvina Kanarek used to have three different jobs: (1) a nanny, (2) and art teacher, and (3) a job at an eating disorder rehab center.  Through each of these jobs – and the juxtaposition of them – she learned that how women see beauty in themselves has a rippling effect throughout their lives, from birth to childhood to adulthood.  One day, in the midst of writing and reading a blog post online, she had the realization to start a nonprofit aimed at telling girls, “Your beauty isn’t in the way you look.”  Irvina launched the nonprofit Rewrite Beautiful to help prevent eating disorders.

“I think every single thing you do, take a look at it.  That’s building on the next thing you’re going to do and building on the next thing you’re going to do.”  -Irvina Kanarek

As she was developing the nonprofit, Irvina had a few key criteria she wanted to stick to.  She wanted prevention to be one of her main points; she knew she wanted to use art; she knew she wanted it to be fun; and she knew she wanted it to be something open to people of all ages.  Slowly she began to share the idea with people, and many of her friends could see the passion she had.  (Irvina has had an eating disorder herself.)  The idea blossomed and evolved over a year’s time as she had conversations with friends who worked in fields such as marketing, communications, and law; they each helped push her onward, asking important questions, offering valuable advice, and ultimately helping her to refine her idea.

“I just feel like, if you’re genuine, if you really want it, if you really work hard for it, if you really use all the tools that you’ve been given, it’s going to happen for you.” -Irvina Kanarek

There have been challenges along the way.  For example, she mentioned it’s difficult when certain people have decided to leave Rewrite Beautiful’s board of directors because they don’t quite get the vision or they want to devote more time to treating people with eating disorders instead of preventing them.  But, along the way she has connected with many people who get her vision and have truly benefited from the work they do, and that’s what keeps her pushing onward.

Here’s an overview of what Rewrite Beautiful is, taken from their website:

Rewrite Beautiful is a revolution to redefine beauty as an ACTION. Beautiful actually has nothing to do with the way you LOOK; it has to do with the way you ACT. Beauty is found in your actions of Creativity, Kindness and Strength displayed in your community. You can either go along with what everyone else thinks is beautiful, or you can be revolutionary and Rewrite Beautiful. Rewrite Beautiful creates this vision through Art Show’s, Beautiful Action Club’s and Street Art in collaboration with local schools, community groups and places of worship.

A Few Insights from My Conversation with Irvina

1. You don’t have to have it all figured out from the start. Irvina had a vision in mind when she first came up with the idea, but she spent about a year refining the idea through conversations with friends and experts.  Ultimately, the idea evolved over time into what it is now.
2. It’s possible to create work that combines numerous talents. Irvina just kept searching for a way to combine her many passions into one path, and ultimately she created her own organization that serves a unique niche (eating disorder prevention) and does so in a unique way (street art).
3. When one door closes, another one opens. Some of the challenges along the way involved people leaving the organization, but typically when that happened, it opened the door for new, creative people to come on board.  Ultimately, this infused the organization with new ideas and new energy.

Transcript of Our Conversation

Jay Delaney: Hi this is Jay Delaney with Create the Map, and I’m sitting here with Irina Kanarek.  This is the first Skype interview I’ve done for Create the Map, so I appreciate you being up for something new, Irvina.

Irvina Kanarek: Awesome, you too!

Jay Delaney: To start with, can you just give us the cliffs notes version of your bio and tell me about something you’re currently working on that you’re excited about?

Irvina Kanarek: Okay.  Serendipitously, I used to work three different jobs.  I worked as a nanny and in an eating disorder rehab and as an art teacher.  And through all those jobs, I found how women see beauty in themselves kind of have a rippling effect from birth to childhood to adulthood.  I’m a really creative person, and I love to write and that person-to-person communication.  And I decided after trying different things, children’s books and all sorts of different stuff, I decided I want to do a nonprofit.

Jay Delaney: When did you decide that?  How long ago was that?

Irvina Kanarek: It was kind of random. I had a business mentor, and we talked about a children’s book I was writing, and it was about all these little girls realizing they were all princesses and they were all special.  And he was really encouraging me to get it published and telling me to do certain things.  And I was like that’s not really it though.  I felt like all of the stuff he was telling me to do, I didn’t feel like that was where my energy was supposed to be going, towards publishers and stuff.  So one day I was home and I was blogging, and I was just writing.  I was reading a blog about all these women and how they felt bad about themselves.  This one woman, there was a picture of some plus-size model, and I could feel how all these women wanted to express that their beauty was beyond what they look like. It kind of was just full circle, and I was like, “Oh my gosh, I think I should start a nonprofit.  I think it would be for the prevention of eating disorders.  It would be something that would tell girls, ‘Your beauty isn’t in the way you look.’”  All women, as much as we obsess and freak out about our looks, and we know that it gets men and money and all that stuff, we know deep down when we’re quiet and still with ourselves it is a joke, and it is a lie.  We truly know we are unique, special creatures, different from men.  And we’re different for a reason.  And there is so much more to us than the way we look.  I envisioned the t-shirt.  I envisioned the name of it.  Slowly but surely I started sharing it with people. I had attorney friends, and they were like, “Oh, you have to get incorporated; this is how you do it.”  Or “Oh, you need marketing materials.  You should go to this person.”  Slowly but surely, all my friends, one person knew how to do graphic design. The other person was a lawyer.  Everybody just helped me.  I did a lot of the work myself, but people just believed in the cause and they believed in what it stood for. I’ve been more than blessed by people who wanted to help.  I’ve heard a lot of people say “You can hear your passion behind it.”  Or “I can really get behind that.  I want that for my daughter; I want that for my wife.”  I’ve been really surprised by how many men support it really, moreso than women.  They’re really passionate about it.  That’s inspiring for me.

Jay Delaney: How much do you feel like you had formed in your head, formulated in your head, before you started sharing it with people around you?

Irvina Kanarek: That’s a great question.  I would say, in my head, there were certain elements I wanted. I knew that prevention was a really big deal. To me, no one ever – maybe in your health class they talk about eating disorders.  I did research as far as what nonprofits are out there for eating disorders.  And all of them were were for parents or for support groups.  But nobody was talking about prevention.  Nobody was taking a stand and saying, “I want to tell you what beautiful really is.”  My main points were prevention.  I knew I wanted to use art.  I knew I wanted it to be fun.  And I knew I wanted it to be something that was open to 5 years old to 55 years old, something everybody could do.  From there, with my friends, communications people and marketing people, we just sat down and talked.  They asked me really good questions.  They were like, “What makes you different?”  I’ve had an eating disorder. “What healed you?”  So we tried to take not just what was sexy or what would sell but what really works and apply that to it.  So from there it formed.  And I would say the idea blossomed over a year’s time.  And then just trial and error.  We did workshops. We did meetings. I did surveys.  I was really really humbled by the experience.  I think of like Tom’s Shoe’s or Vans or some product that you think, “Oh that’s so amazing. How’d they think of that?”  It probably wasn’t their first original thought.  They probably had some other thought and then it evolved. That was my experience with Rewrite Beautiful.  I had a thought of what I wanted, and it evolved over time. It was perfected, and now it is what it is.

Jay Delaney: That’s great.  So tell me if I’m correct.  It sounds like you had an idea of what you wanted to do, what need you wanted to serve, then you looked to see what other organizations existed that were serving that niche or that audience or filling that need and kind of figured out a way to differentiate yourself.  Am I correct in that?  And then you got other people involved, and really it grew from other people’s ideas and input combined with yours?

Irvina Kanarek: You’re asking if I improvised with their ideas?

Jay Delaney: Yeah.  It sounds like you had a general idea but that you just continued to refine it and refine it through conversations with others and seeing what other organizations existed, and then it was a yearlong process of refining and focusing on exactly what you wanted?

Irvina Kanarek: Right.

Jay Delaney:  I like that approach.  I look at a lot of people, and they feel like they have to come up with the perfect idea from the start, and they don’t give themselves room to let it evolve and refine it over time.  I like that approach.

Irvina Kanarek:  Thank you.  It definitely wasn’t my get-go from the beginning. But as I look back on it, I remember times I was in my room, and I was like, “Oh, that’ll work.”  I even had hard times where people were like, “I don’t want to be a part of your organization anymore.”  Really high up people in the eating disorder world.  And I was so bummed.  Then with them leaving, it brought in really creative people who were like, ‘Yeah, anything goes.  Yeah, let’s do this or let’s try that.’  And it was like, “Oh wow!”  What I thought was a supposed to actually morphed into something more creative and radder with their absence.  Yeah, it’s totally changed.

Jay Delaney:  Awesome.  So what’s been one of the struggles with it that you’ve faced so far?  Have there been any moments where you felt like you faced failure and just kept moving on through it?

Irvina Kanarek:  Oh yeah.  Being a creative person, a woman, emotional, somebody who’s in recovery, I’m a very sensitive person.  I’m a writer. I’m really surprised when people are like, “You’re so strong. You’re such a strong person.”  But I’m really sensitive.  I’ve had a lot of letdowns.  Like I said, in the nonprofit world you have to have a board of directors and having really high profile people on it and having religious differences or the way you word something.  Rewrite Beautiful is really youthful, and part that is in our language online.  Some people who were 50 years old, they don’t understand the phrase, “Yeah, right on!” or whatever I say to be relevant.  So they find some of that tacky.  And God bless them, that’s cool.  Sometimes as a writer, you take it personal.  I’ve definitely had to have my moments and cried and be like, “Wow, they don’t want to create with me anymore,” and that’s a bummer.  It makes room for other people who do get your vision.  I know for myself and with my friends, I want people who get me, who understand where I’m coming from, and understand why I’m passionate about preventing eating disorders. For me, if was to explain it, if a girl’s obsessing like dieting and hurting her body and exercising and obsessing about calories, she’s not able to have a solid relationship with her boyfriend.  She’s not able to be a good mother.  She’s not able to be a good sister.  Therefore everyone around her suffers.  Therefore the community suffers.  Therefore the world suffers.  That’s how I see it.  But, some people don’t attach to that vision.  Some people want to help the girls who are already suffering.  They want to go to rehabs and work with those girls.  Or they want to give money to scholarships.  And that’s totally fine, but there are the people who do get my vision, and it becomes their vision and they take it off.  I emailed with a girl today from D.C., and she has five little sisters, and she’s had an eating disorder.  She wants to start clubs.  She understands.  She gets it.  She doesn’t want anybody to go through what she goes through.  And that’s exciting.  It’s exciting when people actually catch on and they’re like, “Yeah I get it. Yeah I want to be a part of it.”  I’ve had my struggles. It has been hard.  But it’s that clicking moment.  It’s kind of like when you’re on a date with somebody, and you go on so many dates and you’re like, “That one didn’t work out.  That one didn’t work out.” Then you meet someone and you’re like, “Oh my gosh, this is working.”  And you’re so stoked that you held out.

Jay Delaney:  I think a lot of times people don’t see that behind-the-scenes, that even when you’re onto something that’s a good fit it seems like there’s still that doubt.  And I think it’s just a part of the journey. I think it’s just the ups and the downs.

In terms of the ups and the downs of it all, what have you found to do to push through the doubt?  The email exchanges where you feel like you’re really helping someone, is that what keeps you going?

Irvina Kanarek:  How do I work through the doubts?  It’s not just email exchanges.  We do workshops.  We do workshops with girls and boys, from 5 years old to 55.  And, I would say it’s just the feedback I get from people after a workshop.  We do a thing called mindmapping where you take the word “beauty,” and we have everyone expand on it.  When you think of beauty, I think “dog.”  That’s a beautiful thing.  But when I think of dog, I think of eyeball.  It just kind of evolves from there.  We help them redescribe how they see beauty.  From there, they create their own art project, unique from any other project we’ve ever done.  From there we take it out to the community, and we tell them that other people are going to see your art.  And we tell them we want them to rewrite how they see beautiful.  At the end of it, whether they’re 5 years old or 55, they come up to me and say, “I love what you’re doing.  That really touched me.”  Or I’ll see them later, and they’re like, “I still look at your website and just read your vision, and it makes me feel better about myself.  It reminds me that our time on earth is so short, and it is really about our actions.”  Do I really want to be beautiful and known for how glossy my hair is and how good my butt looks or do I really want to be known for being kind?  I say in our workshops, when I’m upset, do I call the person who has the best boobs or do I call the girl who’s the nicest, who’s going to say, “Come over, let’s go get frozen yogurt,” or like, “Oh my gosh, my boyfriend did that too.”  Those are the people you call.  People relate to that.  But I think the way society is, the way we are as women, we don’t think about that.  We forget that that’s what I really value in people.  I don’t think I’m really doing anything that revolutionary.  I’m just reminding people what’s true.

Jay Delaney:  For me, when I was in school, at least in my experience, in kindergarten to 4^th grade, it was a good thing to be nice.  But once 5^th grade came, nice wasn’t cool anymore.  And from that point on, if you were nice, it wasn’t cool.  I think I erred on the side of being nice, so maybe I gave up some cool points as a result.  It’s just interesting how that transition seems to happen, and I don’t know why it is.

Irvina Kanarek:  Totally.  I’m thinking of going to school and getting my master’s in counseling because I think it would help with Rewrite Beautiful and our programs.  We studied it when I worked in rehab.  As young girls, what they’re trying to do, is they’re trying to decipher girl from boy, and they start attaching to, I’m different because I’m like this.  I’m going to go off a different spin.  It has to do with psychology.  But at the same time, I think we have to learn even as teachers or as mentors or parents how to handle that period.  Just like eating disorders, you just don’t know how to handle it.  You just don’t know what it is.  It’s a really good point because that’s where it all starts.

Jay Delaney:  Let me ask you, what kind of advice for people trying to create their own map, find their own way in the world, and bring an idea to life?

Irvina Kanarek:  I would say a lot of things.  I would say, believe in yourself.  Don’t look at it, I know for myself, having created Rewrite Beautiful and having it be functioning and having workshops, people think, wow, that’s so cool. You’re one of those people who always knew what they were going to do.  I’m really happy of where I am right now, but I think there’s something to celebrating the journey of getting there. As creative people, we get hard on ourselves – “I took all these writing classes, and I’m not a writer.” Or, “I did this internship there, and I didn’t like it.”  I think every single thing you do, take a look at it. That’s building on the next thing you’re going to do and building on the next thing you’re going to do.  I never thought I would start a nonprofit. I never thought I would want to do workshops or be an art teacher or any of those things.  But I was an art teacher.  I cared about women.  And I really care about eating disorder prevention.  And somehow it all came together.  I think people too commonly are like, “I like soccer, but I could never do that.”  No, you can.  If you really like soccer, then you can make that into a job.  You can figure it out.  If you use your talents in business and your talents in soccer and your talents with people, I bet you you could figure it out if you kept chipping away at it.  I think I’m lucky that I’m kind of stubborn. Maybe it’s our 21^st Century 20-somethings too.  No, I’m not going to go work a desk job. Screw that. I have these creative gifts, and I’m allergic to fluorescent lights, and I don’t want to do that. So I kept chipping away, and voila, I’m here. And people are randomly giving me money and telling me, “Keep doing this, I really believe in what you’re doing.”  And I feel like, if I can do it, anybody can do it.  I just feel like, if you’re genuine, if you really want it, if you really work hard for it, if you really use all the tools that you’ve been given, it’s going to happen for you. For me, I’m an art teacher, but I used to teach 2 year olds and 3 year olds. I’m not that good with older people my age.  I’m more of a PR girl writer.  And voila, I got this, one of my old art professors from college found us on Facebook and he’s like, “I want to get behind what you’re doing.” And he’s an art professor. He’s amazing.  And he teaches workshops.  I really believe, as cheesy as it sounds, if you keep using the skills you were given. Don’t look at what you’re not good at it. So you’re not a good writer.  Screw that.  Focus on the business side. Just keep trudging away, and sooner or later, it’s going to happen.

Jay Delaney:  Thanks so much.

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I’m all for living below your means to save money and keep your options open. I’m also all for eliminating debt. But in the push to be smart with your money, it’s easy to ignore the importance of investing in yourself.

As you work to bring your ideas to life, are you investing enough in yourself? Are you spending time and money to cultivate your own personal knowledge base, your spiritual growth, and your mental and physical wellbeing?

I’m a firm believer that no other asset will pay better dividends. Not real estate. Not the stock market. Nothing. YOU are your own greatest investment opportunity.

What if each month you took 5-10% of your net earnings and either invested it into your own personal growth or set it aside in a savings account for opportunities that arise to invest in yourself? Or what if you set aside 30 minutes each day for your own personal growth?

Ideas for investing in yourself:

• Your network: Join a networking group and/or take someone out to lunch
• Your knowledge base: Take a workshop on some interest or hobby, attend a conference or seminar, read a book that expands your thinking
• Your family and friends: Make them a priority with your time
• Your health: Join your local gym and develop a routine to work out consistently, start biking more, go out for a long walk, eat healthier
• Your spirituality: Spend time meditating, read a book from your own religion or another one, or take time to be active in a religious institution

About the Picture Above

This is my piggy bank at home. Erin bought it for me here in Chicago in Chinatown. I put all of my spare change in it, and just last week I cashed it in for $50.

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About Today’s Subject:
Michael Slater

Creator of: SpeedNetworking.com
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Website: www.speednetworking.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/SpeedNetworking

Turning A Love for Connecting Into a Business

Michael Slater has always loved to connect people.  He worked in business development for years, and in 2001, he decided to take the concept of speed dating and apply it to the networking world.  SpeedNetworking.com was soon born. It started out not as a business but more as a way for Michael to act on his love of connecting people and bringing them together.  But as the popularity and demand grew, Michael saw the opportunity to turn it into a business.  Since then, the business has grown.  Their client list includes Yale University, New York University, the Chicagoland Chamber of Commerce, and the Chicago Convention and Tourism Bureau.  They currently have 40 clients, including Fortune 100 companies.

“I come across a lot of individuals who have a bazillion ideas, and it’s great.  But stick to one and improve the process. Make it better. Become the master of that one.” -Michael Slater

Michael splits his time between SpeedNetworking.com – traveling across the country to host networking events and promoting the business – and also serving as the Managing Director at his family’s real estate business, Slater Realty & Investments.  His real estate work provides a solid foundation that’s allowed him to take on more risk with SpeedNetworking.com.  His approach has been to first “build one strong foundation” and “get that machine going strong” to then allow him time to work on other ideas.  Keep in mind that juggling multiple businesses takes a lot of time.  He admits to putting in long hours, often working from early  in the morning through the evening, then spending a few hours at home with family, before diving back into work typically from 9pm to 1am.  But it’s clear that Michael loves what he does, and he’s found a nice groove dividing his working hours between real estate and networking.

Here’s a 2-min Clip (scroll down for the full video interview)

A Few Insights from My Conversation with Michael

A theme you’ll notice in the insights I picked up from Michael is the idea of focus.  Much of our conversation in one way or another was about this notion of really staying focused – in your business, in your networking, and in choosing ideas to unleash.

1. Build one strong foundation, then you can move on to another project as well. He mentioned spending 2 years training a key staff person on the operation.  You have to invest time in establishing processes and systems that contribute to a strong footing.  Once you’ve built that, then you can pick another passion to add to the mix.
2. Identify the key associations and networking groups in your area or industry and then pick one or two to get deeply involved with instead of just scratching the surface with numerous groups. Michael said he sees too many people  getting involved with 5 different associations or networking groups, going to events expecting to meet all kinds of great people.  When that doesn’t happen, they get discouraged.  Instead of just scratching the surface, pick 1-2 to focus in on and get deeply involved; join a committee or a board.  That deep engagement is where real relationships develop.
3. Pick one idea and stick to it. Don’t jump around between too many ideas and spread yourself too thin. Pick an idea, keep improving it, and develop your expertise at that.

The Full 16-min Interview

Transcript of Our Conversation

Jay Delaney: Can you give us the cliffs notes version of your bio and something you’re working on right now that you’re excited about?

Michael Slater: Sure.  Michael Slater. I live a dual life.  I have a business in real estate and a business of speed networking, which is a great passion of mine.  Real estate is a family business.  Got started over 30 years ago in the Edgewater/Uptown areas, a bunch of other areas of Chicago as well and also Ohio.  When I’m not doing that, I’m also doing speed networking which was a true passion. I’d always been in sales, and I did business development for 15 years, and through those years I always wanted to find ways to better connect people ‘cause the end result was it made me look like a better person trying to help other people and it essentially drove my business up, business development.  So I’ve been a big part of my alumni association, Indiana University, and the business school.  And through that process, I got involved and I tried to find ways to make great events in which it connected people.  Without question, there was this great event going on called speed dating.  I did not partake in it.  I had already met my wife at that point.  So I never had to sample the product.  But I said, “Why couldn’t we do speed dating for business?”  So I turned back to my alumni association that I was very involved with, and I said, “Why can’t we do this?”  And they kind of laughed at me at first and said, “Well put it together, and we’ll see if it can work.”  So I picked a school to build some camaraderie with it, Purdue University, the biggest rival to Indiana.  I said let’s have a joint networking event and brought the Indiana folks and the Purdue folks together.  But the objective was for business.  We were from like types of schools.  Let’s try and get to know each other.  It was a slam dunk.  We’re all from Chicago. We’re all business people, and the business development took place.  To make a long story short, on the cliff note of it is that it began to evolve.  We did it several other times for the school. Then other schools started to inquire about it.  We grew and grew and grew.  Then we got involved with software, and we incorporated software to then make the matches better.  So if you wanted to meet a certain person, we would connect you to that person that when you came to the event, you had an opportunity to meet them.

Jay Delaney: What I think’s interesting too about it, so many networking events that I’ve been to, there’s not enough of a push to get people to really talk to each other.  So it’s easy to go to these networking events and just be a fly on the wall if you want to.  Certainly some of the ultra-extraverted people are always out and very comfortable in those environments, but I know people who are more shy and quiet and introverted, and it’s not as easy to navigate and get to know people.  So I think it’s great that you give people that push to really talk.  Tell me, in terms of speed networking, from when you had the idea for it to when you actually took action, what was that time period and what was kind of going through your head?  Did you have the idea for a while, and it took you a while to really take action?  Or did you come up with the idea and very quickly decide to dive in?

Michael Slater: Good question.  I had run an organization for the school, for young professionals.  So I ran that for a year or two.  And it just dawned on me during the speed dating days, “Let’s have some fun with networking.”  To your point, for the introverts who often come to events, and they’re by the cocktails.  They’re by the food.  They’re not event talking.  They’re on their blackberries or their phones, and they’re just finding excuses not to talk to each other.  But yet they have so much to offer.  They’re usually a lot of bright, smart people.  And we want to get to know them, but they just have that awkwardness.  During that process we said let’s have some fun.  Let’s incorporate this.  My personality is, “Let’s just give it a shot.” What do we got to lose?  We’re bringing people together.  Let’s try it.  So it took me about 3-6 months to get that first one off the ground, which was the coordination, the marketing, etc. and we filled it up.  And we did surveys.  That survey gave the confidence to keep doing it.  Would you do this again?  What should we do to make it better?  How many of the people would you follow up with that you met at these events?  So it actually evolved pretty quickly.  And then I purchased the domain name, Speednetworking.com which today is like how people say, “I’m gonna go make a Xerox,” where people don’t realize they’re saying the name of a company.  Not a photocopy, but a Xerox.  People now all over the country run speed networking events, so we get a lot of organic traffic to our site at Speednetworking.com.

Jay Delaney: When it started out, did it start out as a business?  When you initially had your first event, you were thinking, “This is a business.”  It wasn’t just…?

Michael Slater: No, I thought when I was with the school, let’s just have fun.  I wanted to find better ways to make connection for my own business development.  It was my volunteer time with the alumni association.  But what happened is as people started coming back to me from other associations, chambers, etc. and said, “Hey, can you run this for our group?” I realized my time was getting so consumed with that, and I wasn’t charging anything for it, so I thought, maybe there is some type of business here.  We’ve probably done somewhere around 800-900 events now.  It’s been so much fun.  And to think about how many connections were made, there is value here.  When you hear from people, you get repeat business that come back and say it, I’ve got to turn this into a business.  There’s something here.  It took probably about a year to a year and a half before I got the clunk on the head to say, “Hey, there’s something here.”

Jay Delaney: Maybe you can talk for a minute about something I’m interested in these days is this concept of security and stability. And, I feel like there’s this new normal that’s either emerging or maybe already has emerged where that’s kind of a thing of the past for the vast majority of people.  I’m curious, do you feel a sense of security and stability in terms of job and work and career? Does that kind of shift and ebb?

Michael Slater: For me personally or for the…?

Jay Delaney: For you personally.

Michael Slater: I’m pretty confident.  The multi-family obviously in today’s economy is very strong, and we keep a very close grip on our business.  So operations are going well.  So I have that level of security.

Jay Delaney: So the real estate is kind of the foundation that gives you….

Michael Slater: Yes, so you build one strong foundation.  You get that machine going strong, and that gives you time then to work on other projects.  There’s no question I still have to be here to manage and facilitate.  We have a great staff, and that is, personnel is huge.  It’s a huge key to success.  And they know about the processes, so therefore I can go on to the speed networking where I’m now going to take on more risks and absorb those risks on the Speednetworking.  And I’m going to fall down; there’s no question.  There’s ups and downs whenever you start a business.  So on the speed networking, is there risk?  Sure, there’s always risk.  But I’ve been doing it for so long because it’s a passion.  And just making sure you manage your dollars well and your processes well.  I only see the growth in the future of it.  If for one reason or another it doesn’t succeed, I’m fortunate enough to fall back on the real estate.

Jay Delaney: So let me ask you this question.  Do you ever feel, you have these two passions that you’re working towards constantly, three if we include family, but in terms of work, real estate, speed networking, do you ever get tired of those two things?  Do you ever have other passions that you wish you could pursue and you just sort of have to push to the back of your mind and say, “I don’t have time for it.” This is what I’ve decided.  This is the path I’m taking.  How do you deal with that?

Michael Slater: Sure, there’s other passions.  Occupational passions, not so much.  Technology in some respect.  But, personally, sure, there’s many other things I’d love to do.  Traveling with the family.  All those outside items.  But other passions?  Our family, I think it’s in our blood.  From my grandfather, both sides.  My father, etc.  Even my wife’s family, very entrepreneurial.  And just, I don’t know, this is how we’re born and how we’re bred.  We just focus on what we do and do it the best we can.

Jay Delaney: What about just a couple of pieces of advice in terms of networking?  Since we are sitting here with a networking guru, I think we can safely say that.  And I know it’s very open-ended, what are one or two things that might be helpful to people pursuing an entrepreneurial path, any kind of networking advice you want to share?

Michael Slater: One thing I always talk about is to identify yourself with key associations or groups and get involved.  I see too many times that people run around and jump on 5 different associations.  They expect to go to an event, and they’re going to meet all these great people. And then they walk away let down, saying, “I met nobody; it was terrible; I met all the wrong people.” Where I see the folks who get involved, they join a board on the association or group.  And they really embrace it and take it.  All of a sudden, people start looking up to them.  And now they’re being introduced, the directors are introducing them to all these great people.  And now they see things have really blossomed.  That’s the one thing I always recommended.  Get involved.

The other thing I often talk about is connect with spheres of influence.  A sphere of influence is simply somebody else who’s just a well-connected individual that you enjoy the relationship with.  You want to try to meet those people.  They’re a wealth of knowledge.  They have great connections.  Like you said, it’s a broad question, depending on what your industry is, etc.

Jay Delaney: Those are two great pieces.  I think it’s easy, especially these days, it’s easy to disperse yourself in too many directions instead of just being focused and focusing on depth of connections instead of getting too caught up in breadth of associations and memberships.

So the last question, what advice do you have for people who are out pursuing their own path and trying to create their own map so to speak?

Michael Slater: Block out the people who say it can’t be done, it’s not going to work, what are you thinking?  Just go for it.  If that’s what the passion is, just go for it.  When I started doing the speed networking, there were people who said who’s the heck going to do that?  What are you thinking?  Here I am with 40 clients that include Fortune 100 companies, huge law firms.  We’re flying out to a massive hospital system next week.  Go for it.  Block out what everybody else is telling you.  When Google got started, someone thought they were nuts.  No one thought they were going to buy into Google.  Facebook.  Go for it.  I know that’s kind of a cliché.  People always say that.  But the hardest thing is to block out all of the people who have the negative mentions about it.  If that’s what your passion is, go for it. But, get connected to people who have the positive energy to keep pulling you through it.

Jay Delaney: One more question on that note.  Do you feel like picking that idea that you’re really going to go for, because I think for some people the challenge is they have numerous ideas, and picking one and really just deciding to focus in on that one is the challenge for some people.  It doesn’t seem like it’s the challenge for you, Michael.  But I’m curious.  Do you think that it’s kind of like love where you just know it when you find it?  How did you know that speed networking was that idea that you just needed to pursue regardless of what other people were saying?

Michael Slater: For me personally, I always had a passion for connecting people together.  That was always a passion.  Where it went from there, it led to a couple of weddings. It led to business.  It led to everything in the middle from there.  I come across a lot of individuals who have a bazillion ideas, and it’s great.  But stick to one and improve the process. Make it better. Become the master of that one.  Because if you’re on to this one six months later, no one’s going to remember you for what this was.  And fight to keep it going.  I fought for many years to keep the speed networking alive.  Maybe when we started, we were a little too ahead of the game.  And now it’s coming around.  If you Google the word “speed networking,” 16 million pages come up.  It’s all over the place.  But, you just gotta stick to it.  That is my entire game plan.  I’ve had that passion. I’ve stuck to it.  I’ve focused on it.  My wife hears about it all too much. My family hears about it all too much.  They have seen the progression of it.  That’s just my DNA I guess.  That’s just how I was bred.  And I enjoy it.  I lost a little bit of hair along the way, but what can you do?

Jay Delaney: Thanks so much. That was great.

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Our days are filled with more potential distractions now than ever. We have emails, voicemail messages, phone calls, texts, and social media all begging for our attention.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of spending our time bouncing back and forth between all of these without ever really getting anything productive done.  As connected as we seem to be, we’re perhaps less connected than ever.  This is not intended to be an attack on technology or social media.  As long as we make technology and social media serve us instead of the other way around, then they can be wonderful, awesome tools.

The problem is that we have so many ways to fill our time that it’s possible to never really just stop and take time to listen. You can listen in numerous ways.  I’m primarily referring to taking time to stop and listen to yourself.  To just sit and be still.  To find a way to look beyond the obsessive, uncontrollable thoughts that arise within you and instead just listen.  To intentionally do nothing.  This means not sitting around and thinking about what you need to do next, replaying the day’s events, planning ahead, critiquing yourself, or dreaming up ideas.

Living where I do in Chicago, I have the luxury of living just a few blocks from Lake Michigan. I took advantage of that recently by driving to the Lake and spending about an hour in peace and quiet, in solitude, alone with myself.  As I sat, along the lakefront, a bird flew up to me.  I was eating a turkey sandwich I had brought with me, and I tore off a piece of crust and tossed it over for the bird to eat.  Within a few moments, a flock of about 30 birds all descended near me.  While I’m sure they all just wanted to see what I might toss their way, it still felt like a magical moment.  I sat there trying to just see and listen, and here are a few of the thoughts that revealed themselves to me:

1. When you’re open to it, the universe reveals its beauty to you. But you have to be open to it.
2. In nearly every moment, if we’re not looking, we can miss out on all that’s going well, all that’s beautiful, all that’s worth celebrating. It’s possible to live an entire life and never really see.
3. Even though it might feel like it sometimes, we’re not alone. We’re more connected to one another than we’ll probably ever realize.  Do you choose to let people in or do you keep them at a distance?
4. Most moments and experiences are fleeting. We spend so much time trying to cling to the good moments and avoid the bad moments, but that isn’t how life works.  We have to be okay with the impermanence and accept that as reality.
5. Life isn’t fair. I waste too much of my own energy wishing that life was fair, but it isn’t.  That’s just the way it is. I can try to be fair and contribute fairness to the world, but I need to stop expecting the world to be fair.  It is what it is.

This week, I encourage you to find some time, even if it’s just 30 minutes, to stop and listen. If you really try to tune out all of your thoughts and truly just listen, you might be surprised at what’s revealed to you.

The Story Behind the Picture Above

I took this picture during my time alone at Lake Michigan.  You can see some of the birds I mentioned.  Not a single one of these birds was present when I first sat down. (I have no idea what the story is behind the spraypainted logo for The Doors.)

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About Today’s Subject:
Barry Sorkin

Creator of: Smoque BBQ
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Website: Smoque BBQ
Twitter: @smoquebbq

IT Consultant Turns BBQ Restaurateur

Barry Sorkin is a fascinating guy.  He has a degree in journalism, worked for years as an IT consultant, and now runs a popular bbq restaurant in Chicago that he opened about 5 years ago along with a few business partners.  He’s a shining example of someone who has turned his passion into a business – and a very successful one at that. Before starting the restaurant, barbecue had been one of his longtime passions.  After years of encouragement from friends at his backyard barbecues that he should open his own restaurant, he decided to take the plunge.  He’s a great example of what’s possible when you pursue your passion, but take caution; Barry shares that there’s a thousand things that have to come together for a restaurant to work, including a good product, luck, timing, the stars aligning, etc.  And he also shares that opening a barbecue restaurant has forever changed what was once his passion; he still loves barbecue, but the last thing he wants to do when he gets some time away is to go home and fire up the grill.

“There’s always this balance between what your heart wants to do and what your brain tells you is the smart thing to do. And you’ve got to find a way to get them to work together.  Let your heart figure out where you want to get to, but let your head figure out how to get there.” -Barry Sorkin

It’s no small feat that Smoque BBQ has racked up numerous accolades and recognition in one of the food capitals of the world – Chicago.  The food is absolutely delicious, and if you’re not already a fan of brisket, it will make you a believer.  (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a craving for their brisket.)  In 2011, Smoque BBQ was named a 2011 Bib Gourmand Restaurant by the prestigious Michelin Guide.  The restaurant has been featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.  And they’ve been praised in Gourmet Magazine, The New York Times, and all kinds of Chicago media.

Here’s a 1-min Clip (scroll down for the full interview)

A Few Insights from My Conversation with Barry

1. “At some point, the fear of not doing it becomes greater than the fear of failing at it.” This was my favorite quote from Barry during our conversation.  It’s a quote I can relate to in my own experience, and I’m sure it resonates with many artists, entrepreneurs, and creators.  When you reach this point, it’s time to dive in.  Use this feeling as your fuel.
2. Passion definitely helps, but it takes a lot more than just passion to create a successful business. Barry also said that luck and timing both play a part in it.  Smoque BBQ probably wouldn’t serve up such delicious food if Barry weren’t so passionate about barbecue; however, he also talks about how it takes much more than just passion to make a business work.  You have to get your brain intimately involved in your business, and if you find a piece of information that tells you it won’t work, you need to listen to it and somehow address it.  Passion alone only gets you halfway there.
3. When you turn your passion into your livelihood, expect to have to find a new hobby. The last thing Barry wants to do when he goes home is to barbecue.  His hobby is forever changed now that it’s integral to his business.  Keep this in mind if you’re thinking of turning your hobby into your business.

The Full 14-min. Interview

Transcript

Jay Delaney: Hi, this is Jay Delaney with Create the Map, and I’m sitting here with Barry Sorkin from Smoque BBQ.  Barry, thanks so much for chatting with me today.  The first question, can you just give us the cliffs notes version of your bio and something you’re currently working on that you’re excited about?

Barry Sorkin: I have a degree in journalism from Columbia College here in Chicago.  I spent most of my career working for an IT consulting company and started there writing consultants’ resumes.  I had my journalism degree, wanted to do something with writing.  Started in their marketing dept. and that kind of led to a strange career in consulting.  Did that for about 8 years and just decided it was time to do something that I’d always really wanted to do which was open up a little bbq restaurant.  It’s a short resume, but that’s it.

Jay Delaney: At what point did you start to think that you really would open a bbq restaurant?  Did you know early on?

Barry Sorkin: No, I never thought I would.  It was something I sort of secretly always wanted to do.  I was a backyard bbq cook.  Did it as a hobby for a long time.  I would have friends over for bbq’s and they would say, “Hey, you should open a restaurant.”  Yeah, whatever.  I kind of dismissed it because everybody knows that’s a really stupid thing to do.  It was really in the back of my mind for a long time, never a serious conversation until we opened at the end of ’96, probably early 1995.  I was just kind of getting tired of my old career. I woke up every morning wondering why I was doing this with my life.  It was never what I really planned to do.  It just sort of happened.  So I decided I didn’t want to wake up one morning and have my entire life pass me by and go, “I never did that.”

Jay Delaney: If you go back to when you working in IT consulting, can you remember the motivating factor, the specific moment, that really made you decide to take this leap?  I’m thinking at the time you probably had some real resistance either internally or outside of you from friends or family.

Barry Sorkin: If I had a nickel for everyone who told me I shouldn’t open up a restaurant, I wouldn’t have needed to.  Seriously, everyone on the planet will tell you what a stupid thing it is to do.  All of the reasons they give are absolutely correct. They are absolutely correct. On paper, it’s the dumbest thing you can do.  I’m glad I did it. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m lucky that it’s worked out for us so far.  But, everyone from friends, many of whom were the same friends who said years earlier, “Hey you should open up a restaurant.”  When you tell them you’re really going to do it, they say, “Oh you don’t want to do that.”  But everyone from friends to the SCORE counselor down at the Small Business Administration said, “You don’t want to open a restaurant.”  You do get a lot of that advice.

Jay Delaney: How did you deal with that?  I would think that there would be some people that would hear this chorus of people telling them don’t do it and then they would maybe give into that or let the doubt within themselves sort of stop them.  What do you think kept you going forward?

Barry Sorkin: For one, I didn’t really know what else to do. I knew I wanted to get out of my other career. At some point, the fear of not doing it becomes greater than the fear of failing at it.  That’s sort of what it was.  I understand how risky it is. I understand the failure rate. I understand everything that you’re saying, but I’m going to really regret this if I don’t do it.

Jay Delaney: Maybe at a certain point you realize even if you failed, it’s better to have known that you at least gave it a shot and tried.

Barry Sorkin: At least you could say you gave it a shot.  Go down swinging.

Jay Delaney: Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all maybe?

I think a lot of times entrepreneurs, business owners starting out have this glamorized view of what it’s like to own a business and start a business and be an entrepreneur, but I think a lot of times they find there’s a sense of security and stability they have to accept is gone when they leave the 9-to-5 lifestyle.  How is that adjustment for you leaving the security and stability? Have you reached that again?  Do you feel a sense of security and stability now?  Or do you give that up and it’s gone forever?

Barry Sorkin: What’s happening economically over the last few years has changed that equation a bit.  I’m not an economist; I don’t want to pretend to be.  It used to be the case that the safe, secure thing to do was to go work for a big company, and you worked there forever.  Well that doesn’t exist anymore.  I don’t know if I will ever in this career have the same sense of security I had five years ago in my old one, but I also know from where I sit right now that if I had stayed there, I’d have been laid off a long time ago.  So I would have lost that job by now.  So if I hadn’t done this, I’m not sure where I would be.  So in that respect, it’s a little bit of a tradeoff.  I’ve never been one that’s found tremendous comfort in safety and security.  I just don’t want to get bored. For me that’s more of a driver than safety and security.

Jay Delaney: You have this passion for bbq. You go from doing it more for fun and on the side and more of a hobby to making it your livelihood.  I know you said earlier when we were talking you spent starting out 120 hours a week and now you average out to 60 hours a week.  What’s it like taking something that was something you just did on the side and putting so much of your time into it?  Do you lose some of the love that you have for it?

Barry Sorkin: Well, I needed to find a new hobby.  Believe me, when I go home and I get a day off, the last thing I want to do is go bbq. I still love it, but it’s absolutely different than it was when I did it just for fun. As a hobby, it’s completely gone. I still like bbq.  I still eat bbq, but truth be told, when I go out to eat, pretty much the last thing I want to do is go out for bbq these days.  So yeah, there’s something to it.  When you’re running a business, it’s different than barbecuing in your back yard. I don’t even spend that much time anymore actually doing it. I’m running a business as opposed to barbecuing.  So it’s different.  It’s very different.

You asked about the sort of glamorous image that people have of running their own business versus the reality of it.  I will say, the one thing that sticks out in my mind is the biggest difference between what I sort of expected or at least the image I had in my head.  I don’t think I had any illusions that it was going to be glamorous.  But I did have this vision of myself as the guy sort of at the top with all the answers and people would be coming to me with problems.  And I would just check something off of the list and give them a very smart, astute, insightful answer and the problem is solved.  But it turns out, I’m not quite that smart.  And every day there are things, people ask me questions, or a new situation comes up, and I find myself going, “I have no idea.” I have no idea what to do in that situation.  This image of myself as an entrepreneur was a much smarter version of me.

Jay Delaney: What would you say has been the most serendipitous experience you’ve had so far related to Smoque?

Barry Sorkin: We got incredibly lucky.  We’ve had every lucky break that a startup restaurant can get. When we opened, we thought we were going to open up this little place and kind of do a soft opening.  We wouldn’t even tell people.  We would put up a sign and that’s it.  We weren’t going to promote. We weren’t going to market.  Let’s let people kind of trickle in.  We’ll figure out how to run the place.  Then once we get the kinks worked out, we can start promoting and do a grand opening and all that stuff.  But we got incredibly lucky at the outset and that soft opening never really happened.  The serendipity of it was, the vice president of marketing for Timeout Chicago lived somewhere in that direction and took the train somewhere in that direction and passed by our storefront every single day while we were under construction.  He kept poking his head in and saying, “Hey, what’s going on?” “I’m building a barbecue place.”  He said, “Oh I work for Timeout Chicago.  Let us know when you’re going to open; we’ll write about it.”  I said, “Okay.”  So they started writing about us a week and a half or two weeks before we opened.  As strange luck would have it, the then Chicago correspondent for Gourmet magazine had a brother who got his haircut across the street from us. I got a call one or two days before our friends and family night, which was supposed to be kind of our practice night where you make all the mistakes on people who have to love you even if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. So I got a call from someone who said, “I write for Gourmet magazine, and I heard you’re opening a barbecue place. My brother gets his hair cut across the street.  I was wondering if you’re doing any kind of press party.” I said, “We’re not really doing a press party. We’re doing a friends and family night in a couple of days, but the idea is to make mistakes on people that aren’t going to judge us.” And she said I’ll accept all of your disclaimers; I’ll accept anything you tell me and if I don’t like it, I just won’t write about it. That’s cool.”  I said, “Well, alright. I’m terrified, but okay, we’d love to have you.”  So she came and was really impressed.  And I think three or four months after we opened as a result, we were written up in Gourmet magazine, which was something in a billion years I couldn’t have imagined would happen.  So between that and Timeout Chicago, we got a lot of really good buzz through LTH forum, which is a food-based chat room in Chicago.  And we got a lot of just good buzz and good word of mouth. And literally within days of being open, we were doing better numbers than we ever thought we were going to do.  It was just really unbelievable.  I don’t know if that qualifies as serendipity.

Jay Delaney: What do you chalk that up to?  Do you see that as just luck?  Do you see that as the stars aligning?

Barry Sorkin: It’s a little bit of both.  It starts with, not to pat myself on the back, I think we put out a good product.  But I also think it takes a lot more than that.  It does take a lot of luck.  It takes right place, right time.  It takes the stars aligning. There’s a thousand things that have to come into place for a restaurant to be successful.  And that’s why the failure rate is so high, because rarely do they all come together.

Jay Delaney: Would you say you’re satisfied with where you’re at right now?

Barry Sorkin: Yeah. Of course you always want to do better.  You always want to do more. We’re almost 5 years now, and we’re doing better than we thought we were going to do.  You can’t be upset with that.  There’ve been a lot of new bbq places that have opened in the last 14 months and we are still going strong.  We haven’t really felt the impact of it.  You can’t ask for better than that.  Of course, we’ve got longer term visions and we’ll see where they lead us.

Jay Delaney: And lastly, what advice can you offer to people who out creating their own map, finding their own way in the world?

Barry Sorkin: My best advice, and I don’t want to sound like a 25 cent philosopher or spiritual advisor or anything like that. But I always tell people, “There’s always this balance between what your heart wants to do and what your brain tells you is the smart thing to do. And you’ve got to find a way to get them to work together.”  Let your heart figure out where you want to get to, but let your head figure out how to get there. That’s what this process has been.  I knew where I wanted to get, but I also knew that at some point, I could gain some piece of information that’s going to tell me it’s not going to work.  You’ve got to be willing to listen to that too. Finding the right balance between your emotions and your sense of reason I think is really important.

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I like making things happen.  I like getting stuff done.  I like creating positive change.  In addition to bringing more peace into my life, the Serenity Prayer has also helped with all of the above.  I try to use it as my guide in any given situation, and I’ve noticed that by practicing it, I have become more of a pragmatist.  Before proceeding, let me share two things with you: the Serenity Prayer and a definition of pragmatism.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
-Reinhold Niebuhr

pragmatism: a practical, matter-of-fact way of approaching or assessing situations or of solving problems.
(courtesy of thefreedictionary.com)

Although I always have been an idealist and always will be, I place a much greater value on actually doing something in the world.  Art certainly enables us to paint a picture of something better in hopes of inspiring the world, and that’s why I try to bring the artist in me to all that I do.  But day-to-day reality is where we live.  While I believe it’s always important to be filling the gap between what is and what might be, the only way to really get stuff done is to acknowledge what is and operate within the sphere of reality.  Not a warped sense of reality.  Just reality.  In any given moment, you have choices available to you.  Making a decision based on reality is often your best bet at making the best selection or choosing the best course of action.

I want to examine the Serenity Prayer in a slightly different order.  To live by it demands three things of us:

Wisdom to know the difference.

This involves two things:

1. Knowing what you cannot change
2. Knowing what you can change

Some things can be changed, and some things cannot be changed.  This is where your attitude and outlook are important.  If you’re an optimistic person, you may believe there are more things you have the ability to change than perhaps a pessimistic person.  Determining what you can and cannot change is a highly personal thing, unique to each of us.  For me, life experience and gut instinct have provided the most help in determining what I can change and what I cannot change.  Things I believe I don’t have the power to change:

• Other people’s actions
• Other people’s reactions
• Other people’s deeply held beliefs
• Other people’s interpretations of my actions or words
• Other people’s expectations

These areas can influence a large part of my day-to-day life.  Encounters with other people can be the greatest source of happiness and fulfillment but also the greatest source of misery and frustration.  The more time I try to spend on changing these things, often the more frustrated and miserable I am.

However, the more time I focus on those things in my life that I can change, typically the more fulfilled and content I am.  Things I believe I have the power to change:

• My own actions
• My own reactions
• My own beliefs
• My own interpretations of people’s actions or words
• My own expectations

You can see that much of this boils down to a belief that all I can really change is myself, not other people.  That doesn’t mean that my actions, reactions, beliefs, interpretations, and expectations don’t have the potential to influence other people; it just means that change can only come from within someone.  I can perhaps play a part in inspiring, encouraging, or influencing, but I cannot make the change myself.  That’s far too personal to each individual.

So, what does this mean?

It means that when I’m out driving in Chicago and a driver cuts me off, I can choose to get angry and let that anger ruin my day.  Or I can choose to let it go.  I cannot control the guy who cut me off, but I can control my own response.

It means that when I am working on a project with someone who complains about everything and never accepts responsibility for their own mistakes, I can choose to either abort the project or minimize my interactions with that person.  I cannot make that person stop complaining or make them start accepting responsibility, but I can control my own response.

You get the idea.

Accepting the things I cannot change.

Accepting what I cannot change is hard, but it’s much easier when I’m disciplined enough in any given situation to figure out what cannot be changed.  If it’s something I cannot change (see list above), then I try to just let it go.  I try to not worry too much about it.  I try to not let it control my mood.  Again, it’s not easy.  But it’s made much easier when I realize I cannot change it.  The sooner I accept what I cannot change, the more time I’m left to focus on those things I can change.  It’s the wisdom packed into “Let It Be” by The Beatles.

What can you accept and let go?

Having the courage to change the things I can.

Having the courage to change is hard too.  But the more time I spend on changing what I can change, the better off I am and the more productive I’m being with my time.  There are plenty of things I can change, and much of it relates to my own actions, reactions, beliefs, interpretations, and expectations.  There’s an infinite number of things I can create in this world.  I can make art.  I can work to be a positive force in the lives of other people.  I can try to be a light in other people’s lives.  And although I cannot change other people, I can certainly be a source of inspiration and encouragement.  It gets really exciting when you try to live your life in this realm and try to spend most of your time each day on things you can change.  The possibilities become limitless.

What things can you change?

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About Today’s Subject:
Kelley Long

Creator of: KCL Financial Coaching
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Website: KCL Financial Coaching
Twitter: @kclmoneycoach

Leaving the 9-to-5 Life

Kelley Long spent years working in estate planning at Fifth Third Bank and PNC before deciding to launch her own financial coaching practice.  When she came to the realization that a desk job wasn’t what she wanted the rest of her life, she spent about two years preparing to venture out on her own. When a friend mentioned the idea of coaching to her, it only took her two weeks to file an LLC, create a website, and print business cards.  Since she had spent time so much time preparing to leave the 9-to-5 lifestyle, when the right idea came along, she was ready to be decisive and take action.

A Quick Snapshot of Kelley

Kelley is a CPA and has been featured in CNN Money, Time.com, and MSN Money.  She provides one-on-one financial coaching highly customized to each individual’s unique needs.  That may be budgeting, reducing debt, cash flow analysis, helping people through financial transitions, setting and achieving financial goals, or just helping people to develop the right mindset about money.  She’s also adding a new service – tax preparation.

A Few Insights from Our Conversation

1. When you have freedom, you might not even use it all that often, but it’s still nice to have it. When Kelley was working 9-to-5, she’d look out her window on a sunny day and wish she could be outdoors.  Now that she has more freedom with her time and isn’t restricted to 9-to-5 hours, she rarely uses that freedom to be out in the sun during the daytime, but she loves knowing she has the freedom.
2. “Now is not the time to play it safe.” Depending on where you’re at in life and how many responsibilities you currently have, now may not be the time to play it safe.  For others though, you have responsibilities that won’t allow you to take the full plunge into something.  If now’s not the time for you to play it safe, then why are you?  If now is the time for you to play it safe, then how can you create on the side?
3. Expect to make sacrifices. If you’re thinking of embarking on some new venture, you need to be well aware of the realities.  Kelley was able to take this risk because she didn’t have children and didn’t have a mortgage.  She knew there would be financial sacrifices, and she talks in detail about how she always makes sure she has a 6 month cushion, and when she doesn’t, she cuts her expenses dramatically.

A Brief Word from the R&D Team at Create the Map

The Research & Development team at Create the Map has been busy lately, and this week we’ve decided to try something a little different.  Our studies have shown that some people prefer books over movies.  So in addition to sharing the filmed version of our conversation, we’re also going to share it in written word as well.  Today you have the option of either reading or watching – it’s up to you!  Scroll down below the videos for the written version.

For Those Who Prefer Moving Images

The Big Kahuna (The Full 14-min Conversation)

Just a Taste (4-min. bonus clip)

For Those of You Who Prefer Words

JD: Hi this is Jay Delaney, and I’m sitting here with Kelley Long.  Kelley, thanks so much for chatting with me.

KL: Glad to be here.

JD: To start with, can you just give me the cliffs notes version of your bio and tell me something you’re currently working on that you’re excited about?

KL: Sure, cliff notes version.  I’m a Certified Public Accountant and personal financial coach, self-employed.  I live in Chicago and I help people with day-to-day money basics, budgeting, debt-reduction plans, and setting and achieving long-term goals. From northern Michigan, and I’m loving living in Chicago.  Right now, I’m excited about two things actually in my business.  More immediately I have seen a lot of need for basic budgeting, so I’ve kind of made that into a product, and I’ve been working with a lot of spreadsheets and downloading people’s banking information and telling them where their money is going, and I’ve found that that’s been a huge boon for me in terms of revenue and also helping my clients get past a big road block that often stops them. On a bigger scale, I’m going to be preparing taxes starting tax year 2012, so believe it or not I love doing taxes.  I always avoided it in the past for reasons we might discuss later, and I’ve decided to take the plunge and be a tax preparer so that’s in the works.

JD: So, I want to talk in a minute about the budgeting and how you focused in on that specifically.  But before we get to something that specific, can you just talk a little bit about why you decided to become a financial coach and the decision behind that?

KL: Sure.  We’ll back away from the nerdy stuff and talk about the happy stuff.  I spent the first 8 years of my career working in a bank as a bank trust officer. And it was a pretty simple job to do, challenging in its own way.  But what I found from two regards was working with clients, I learned what money can do to people. From a good regard, I had clients who suddenly became wealthy, and I saw them handle it really well.  I saw people who suddenly became wealthy and it crippled them. I saw people who had been wealthy their whole lives, and they were just the worst people in the world to deal with. And of course the people doing well psychologically weren’t the ones who called me for help. It was the ones who were miserable and cast all their problems on me.  That coupled with the fact that I am losing faith more and more every day in the traditional American work ethic that you have to be at a desk feeling miserable in order to be productive in our society. I found myself spending my 20s sitting in really nice offices and making really good money, staring out on sunny days and going, “I just wish I could be out there.”  What’s interesting that I’ve learned is that since I have the ability to go out and enjoy those sunny days, I’m really not doing it anymore than I was when I couldn’t, but the ability and the freedom to do it when I want to is a world of difference for me.  So those two things coupled together I guess paired with the fact that I don’t have any kids and didn’t have a mortgage and I was in a place where I could take a risk, I decided to.  When I was considering career moves, I talked to one of my parents’ friends in her 50s who was a financial advisor and she said to me, and I still have the quote, “Now is not the time to play it safe.”  She said I work with people in their 50s and 60s who are very wealthy but wish that they could go back and do it all over again and take a totally different path because they feel a responsibility now to this wealth and their families.  That was always my driving. I have years to play it safe; now is not the time.

JD: So let me ask then, in terms of the journey you’ve been on since you struck out on your own, do you deal with doubts?  Do you deal with this inner critic?  How do you deal with that kind of thing and questions like, “Should I be doing this? Is this the right path?” or do you feel confident in the path you’ve taken now that you’re further along?

KL: There are doubts, absolutely. I have a very high need for approval, but I also believe in the law of attraction.  I was raised in a family that raised all of the children, all of my cousins, to go to school, get a good job, and make as much money as you can.  Partially because we came from families where our parents didn’t necessarily have that ability or they were working their way up.  I come from such a typical American family, all about work.  You didn’t really look at whether or not you liked what you did. It was how much money can you make with the skills you possessed.  So I have a lot of doubts from that.  My family supports me, but there’s a little bit of an element of, “What in the hell is she thinking?” But not in a, “She’s going to fail kind of way,” but, “It’ll be really fun to see if she can do this,” so that has its element.  But anytime I’ve ever gone down the path of, “This will never work,” I’m right. So I don’t allow my mind to go there.  If I have bad days, I told you I have an “atta girl” file.  I have a thick file called “Kelley’s motivation.” I go there and I read cards where people said, “Congratulations, I’m so proud of you.”  I look through those gifts and those pictures, and I remember there are people who believe in me.  It’s not just me.  I’m not the only one with this crazy idea.  The beauty of being on my own is that I have the flexibility to change my business model.  My biggest struggle has been finding a profitable business model.  When I first started, I really wanted to stay away from people feeling like they were limited by time. I didn’t want to do an hourly rate thing because as a trust officer, I had dealt with clients who hadn’t gotten their questions answered by their attorneys because they didn’t want to pay for their time. But when I say sessions, people don’t see the value in that.  “Well what do you mean, a session?  Are you a therapist?  Where’s the couch?”  So I’ve gone from all different types of attempts at models of sessions or packages or so many hours bundled up, and I’ve come right back around to straight up, I charge by the hour.  I’m not making any more or less money.  It’s all about how I’m presenting what I do.

JD: What would you say on the whole has been the best part of this and what’s been the worst part for you?

KL: The best part has been feeling completely in charge of my own success. “If it is to be, it is up to me” is a mantra that I use.  Ten little two letter words.  Sometimes I have to be really brutally honest with myself and say the reason I’m not making a total living is because I’m not doing the work.  But the best part is that I can make changes there, and I have the power to say, “Okay, I lost 5 clients last year because I couldn’t do their taxes.”  People see CPA after my name and automatically think, “Oh great, she can do my taxes.”  And I was like, oh I don’t want to do taxes.  There’s so much liability involved, and I don’t know that much about it.  Well in the process I’ve had several clients asking me to review their taxes.  So they send me their password on TurboTax.  Sure, okay, and I look it over and I realize first of all I could absolutely do this, and I should be doing this.  There’s no way I can tell them that they did it right from that regard.  And they would have been willing to pay me to do it.  So that was the best part, is being able to go, okay I’m going to start doing taxes.

The worst part has been the daily almost completely changing of my lifestyle, in a good way.  I’m a huge fan of the book Your Money or Your Life where that book defines money as what you trade your life’s energy for. So I stopped trading my life’s energy for a commute everyday and for sitting at a desk surfing the internet and for having to buy a suit and having to eat out. When you think about what goes into your work, you don’t just think about those hours that you’re in the office. You have to think about decompression time. How much time on the weekend do you have to recreate to forget your work stress? You have to vacate your job at least two weeks a year. How much time do we really dedicate to having a capital J Job. The book talks about letting go of some of the material things.  That has been probably the hardest part for me, not being able to buy new clothes when I want them. I have to only buy them when I need them.  Really really really coming down to prioritizing where my energy goes and my money goes.  Good and bad, but it’s what I preach, so it’s absolutely necessary.

JD: Is that specifically scaling back expenses for yourself to try to adjust to the new level of income?

KL: Yes, on certainty in income. I like to take my monthly expenses, add them up, and know how much money I absolutely need to stay out of trouble, to keep my good credit is what I say. And I want 6 months of that set aside. If I don’t have 6 months of that money set aside, I’m not spending money on anything. I’m talking, I’m looking for free coffee.  I’m not getting my hair cut.  I’m not eating out. If I go out for a meeting with a client at a Starbucks, I don’t order anything if I don’t have to. If I do, I find the cheapest thing on the menu. It’s been absolutely just about crunching those down and crunching those numbers and staying afloat so I don’t ever find myself having to put my resume together. But there are times when it’s a little humiliating to go out on a social event and have to limit myself to one happy hour drink.  But it’s motivating, and it’s also exciting to watch myself grow out of that self-induced poverty into okay, I can have a little more wiggle room financially so that I can help give other people hope.  They might not be quitting their jobs to start a business, but they might have to scale back to pay off their debt.  And that’s actually a lot harder to stop going to Starbucks everyday so that you can make an extra $3 a week payment on your card.  It’s not as easy as a tradeoff.

JD: I’m just curious, how do you define success as a financial coach or as Kelley?  How do you define success?

KL: I have a micro version of success and a macro version of success. So success in the moment for me, is am I healthy?  To me, healthy means being not only disease-free, but am I eating right, am I getting enough sleep, and is my house clean?  Those are my definition of health.  Being able to have those pieces means that I am being successful in my life.  When I get too busy, those things are the first to go – exercise, eating right, sleeping enough, clean house.  Macro version of success is more, do I feel like if I look back over the last year, the last 5 years, the last 10 years, I want to be able to say that I took advantage of the opportunities that were out there. There have been times in my life when I’ve lived from a place of fear, and I’ve looked back and gone, if only I’d known I was going to be alright, I would have enjoyed that moment. So breaking free of that barrier and looking back and going, I did enjoy that moment.  I was there.  I took advantage of what was there instead of being afraid of not having enough later.  For my whole life, being a success to me would be at my funeral, people would say, “Kelley really made an impact on me.” I’d like to make an impact on the world, but it’s individuals, many individuals, not just one.  So a ton of people show up and say she really made an impact on me.  That’s how I define success.  It has nothing to do with money.

JD: The last question, what advice do you have for people who out creating their own path?

KL: My biggest thing is to not worry about what anyone else is doing.  Tony Horton in the P90X program says “Do your best, forget the rest.” When I’m doing those programs and it’s kicking my butt, and I cannot keep up with Dreya, I remember that mantra. It applies to so many areas of life. Do what feels right to you and forget what everyone else is saying. I see so many of my friends and colleagues and acquaintances living these lives of quiet desperation because they’re so worried what everyone else thinks.  Who freaking cares? Show them wrong.  I don’t necessarily promote self employment for everyone out there. And in fact, I don’t consider myself to be an entrepreneur because I’m not in this to build a big business and sell it and then start up another business.  I really just want to live a life, and that’s different for everyone. Embracing your strengths, finding out what makes you tick, and making the best of those, and just, do your best, forget the rest.

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