He hit the net! He hit the net! Twice!!

I'm not sure what hurts more: my back from moving a house-full of furniture yesterday, or my soul from seeing Jeff Carter score a clutch goal to bring his team within two games of the Stanley Cup.

Think I'll go with my soul. Somewhere, Paul Holmgren hops on his bike-- this time, looking for potholes.

CB back in full tomorrow morning.

There's a Sidney Crosby joke to be made here, but I won't do him like that-- because Malkin is! (pic via 96.1)

Welcome to the lovely city of Shittsburgh, where sewer pipes leak below PNC Park. Today, traffic was stopped while a bull and cow had sex in the middle of the road:

That's not anger, lady-- it's passion.

The sports story of the day in this fine town, though, is of one Yinzer, who is suing the Pittsburgh Penguins because they sent him two extra text alerts during one week in March.

For realsies.

The folks at Puck Daddy did a nice job of breaking the lawsuit down, but basically it goes like this:

A guy signed up for text alerts from the Penguins. He was told that there would be a maximum of three texts per week (reasonable), but got upset when, during the week of March 11, he received - brace yo’selves - five text messages. The following week? Four. HE RECEIVED THREE EXTRA TEXT MESSAGES IN TWO WEEKS. THE HORROR! Somewhere, a child dies of hunger, a man gets shot, an old lady gets plowed over by a bus, and a Pittsburghian has to check his cell phone. We’re doomed.

As the folks at Puck Daddy point out, there are explicit instructions on how to unsubscribe from the text alerts. But no, a lawsuit seemed like the better option.

Yinzers: looking for a way out since 1992.

Photo: Getty

Known liar Paul Holmgren addressed rumors that Chris Pronger was retiring and moving to St. Louis. Speaking to the Inquirer’s Sam Carchidi yesterday, Holmgren said: [Philly.com]

“There’s no truth to him retiring,” Holmgren said.

Because of an illness in his wife’s family, the Prongers are apparently going to spend some time in St. Louis, Holmgren said.

Holmgren added that Pronger was still experiencing headaches.

The rumor of his retirement popped up on Twitter, when some, like this guy...

... saw moving trucks outside Pronger’s home in New Jersey. Moving for three months (or whatever some time is) doesn’t usually require a moving truck... but most of us aren’t millionaires and can’t afford to hire one to take Little Johnny’s PS3 and longboard on a comfy ride halfway across this vast expanse known as America.

Anyway, Homer says Pronger is not retiring and we’re not going to speculate further, for now. At some point this summer, an update on Pronger's concussion is going to be needed, though.

All was quiet in the land of the injured yesterday-- the Phillies were off. But, in the evening, Hunter Pence held his Let’s Go Eat: Food and Fun Fest on the Moooooshoooelouuu (as he calls it).

Our friends from La Salle TV’s SportsTalk Philadelphia were on hand and sent along some footage from the event, which includes Pence, Hamels, Victorino, and Ruben Amaro playing ping pong.

Funny thing about Amaro’s ping pong game: after a few volleys with the little white balls, he gets really pissed off if his opponent doesn’t return to him a gigantic softball, two baseballs, a ping pong ball to be named later, and cash considerations. After years of trading with Ed Wade, Amaro just assumes this is how life works.*

*Jokes, here all week.

Thankfully, NBC 10's Jillian Mele was there and posted pictures on her Twitter. Ayla Brown sighting, too:

One question: Where is Sheena Parveen and WHY IS SHE NOT IN THESE PHOTOS?!!

Nice work by Hunter, though. The event looked like a real home run.

Semis:

- Amaro said nothing about the injuries last night.

- Received some photos in the mail yesterday from the Home Runs For Heart Media Day. That’s me on the right-- eyes on the ball, arms extended, hips cleared. Our “style editor,” Dan Fuller, is on the left. He, um, looks like he’s trying to shovel dirt with a golf club. Nice hat, though.

Email from reader Michael:

I've got a question for you, Kyle. Seeing as you are probably the biggest Cliff Lee nut hugger out there, while simultaneously pointing out each and every one of Bryzgalov's shortcomings, I'd like to know something...

Riddle me this, riddle me that, why does Cliff Lee continuously get a free pass, while Bryzgalov continuously gets the shaft? 

Let me be the first to admit that I love Cliff Lee. But let's face it, besides a solid run in the '09 playoffs and an impressive shutout streak, Cliff Lee hasn't really done anything spectacular while being a Phillie even though he gets paid money by the boatload. I believe he is set make $21.5 million this year (roughly 14% of the Phillies 2012 payroll) and has yet to win a single game. Granted, he's pitched well enough to win some of his starts but his team hasn't produced runs that well when he pitches. Perhaps most important though, one could easily argue that he actually cost the Phillies the series against the Cardinals last year when he blew a 4 run lead.

Let's see how that compares to Bryzgalov...

Let me be the first to admit that I am a big fan of Bryzgalov's, who is praying that typical Philly douchebags (see: YOU) don't run him out of town before he reaches his potential in the orange and black. However, other than a franchise record shutout streak and single-handedly carrying the Flyers through March, the rest of Bryzgalov's first year as a Flyer was rather unremarkable. His GAA and Save Percentage weren't bad but weren't great either, yet still managed to stack an impressive amount of wins. Monetarily speaking, compared to Cliff Lee, Bryzgalov made $10 million this year (Roughly 16% of the Flyers 2011-12 payroll). Some of the games he played like dirt and the Flyers lost. Yet some of the games (especially the playoffs) he played well enough to win but his team let him down with defensive mishaps and  lazy, uninspired play, but regardless, I don't think anyone can blame the Flyers' early exit on Bryzgalov.

 So why does Cliff Lee get a free pass?

This nonsense doesn’t even deserve a response... but I gave it a line-by-line breakdown, for your grammatical entertainment. Step over the jump with me, won’t you?

I've got a question for you, Kyle. Seeing as you are probably the biggest Cliff Lee nut hugger out there, while simultaneously pointing out each and every one of Bryzgalov's shortcomings, I'd like to know something...

Seeing nut and those insinuating ellipsisiss, I at first thought you were propositioning me for sex, Michael. Thankfully, you weren’t. So I’ll just point out that I’m one of 380,000 (estimated) under-30 males in the Philly area who would love to hug Cliff Lee’s nuts. Don’t judge me on that.

Riddle me this, riddle me that, why does Cliff Lee continuously get a free pass, while Bryzgalov continuously gets the shaft? 

OK, Jim Carrey, you have my attention. I suppose you’re going to explain to me now why Lee isn’t that good, yes?

Let me be the first to admit that I love Cliff Lee.

But...

But let's face it, besides a solid run in the '09 playoffs and an impressive shutout streak, Cliff Lee hasn't really done anything spectacular while being a Phillie even though he gets paid money by the boatload.

Besides a solid run in the ’09 playoffs and an impressive shutout streak Cliff Lee hasn’t really done anything spectacular? That’s like saying besides creating Apple and reviving Pixar, Steve Jobs was just a guy.

The impressive 2009 playoff run, of which you speak, just so happened to be the best postseason performance by a Phillies starter... ever.

Stat machine!

Lee, in five starts in the 2009 playoffs:

5 GS, 4 W, 1.56 ERA, 2 CG, 33 K, 6 BB, 0.82 WHIP

Now, how does that compare to, say, Cole Hamels in 2008?

5 GS, 4 W, 1.80 ERA, 0 CG, 30 K, 9 BB, 0.91 WHIP

As you can see, Michael, in 2009, Lee actually pitched better than 2008 Hamels, who won the World Series MVP.

And the shutout streak you glossed over? Let’s delve.

Beginning on June 6 of last year, Lee won five straight games, giving up only one run in the process. He threw three straight complete-game shutouts to finish off the month. 

In August, Lee started five games. He won all five and gave up two runs in 39.2 innings. These are facts.

So, The Riddler, I’d say that the adjectives solid and impressive don’t begin to describe three separate month-long streams of brilliance. Some would even call it pissing excellence, which you, sir, most certainly don’t do.

Let’s continue.

I believe he is set make $21.5 million this year (roughly 14% of the Phillies 2012 payroll) and has yet to win a single game. Granted, he's pitched well enough to win some of his starts but his team hasn't produced runs that well when he pitches.

No shit. Let’s blame Lee that he took less money to come to Philadelphia. And let’s also blame him for the offense’s struggles and the fact that, due to an obscene number of significant injuries, Mike Fontenot started a few games for the Phillies this season. Mike Fontenot! I didn’t even know he was on the team until I saw him on the field. And when I did, I spent a good three minutes trying to figure out who, in the hell, resurrected the meek body of Mickey Morandini to fill-in for Chase Utley and his non-existent knees.

Let’s state that again: Mike Fontenot started four games for the Phillies this season.

While we’re on the subject of hitting, which is apparently the pitcher’s fault: Clifton is hitting .333 with a .722 OPS this season. He also hit two home runs last year. 

Perhaps most important though, one could easily argue that he actually cost the Phillies the series against the Cardinals last year when he blew a 4 run lead.

He did. You’re right. But I’d argue that the Phillies’ offense cost them the series. Why? I wrote about it in my Definitive Phillies Collapse Guide:

In the five-game NLDS, the Phillies had separate streaks of 13 and 10 consecutive scoreless innings. Not to mention scoring only one run in the - brace yourselves here - final 17 innings of the best season in team history. Pure pain.

I’d argue that’s why they lost to the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals. They put away the bats after the second inning of Game 2 and failed to put the Cardinals away when up 2-0 in a clinching game. 

Let's see how that compares to Bryzgalov...

This... should. be. good.

Let me be the first to admit that I am a big fan of Bryzgalov's, who is praying that typical Philly douchebags (see: YOU) don't run him out of town before he reaches his potential in the orange and black.

I’m sorry, I’m not wearing my OB Shades. Let me put them on.

- puts on special orange and black Comcast Spectacor manufactured lenses -

There we are, that’s better. Now I see the world like you. Continue.

However, other than a franchise record shutout streak and single-handedly carrying the Flyers through March, the rest of Bryzgalov's first year as a Flyer was rather unremarkable.

Single-handedly carrying the Flyers in March? What the hell does that even mean? Where did they go? Is that the month they secured the all-important 5th seed?

It’s funny how you gloss over Lee’s two shutout streaks, yet point to Bryz’s - which was much more reliant on team play than Lee's - in stating what a great season he had. But you’re right: the rest of Bryz’s first season with the Flyers, the only sample we have to go off, was rather unremarkable.

Do you want to talk about?

His GAA and Save Percentage weren't bad but weren't great either, yet still managed to stack an impressive amount of wins.

Oh you do? Great!

Factuals:

Bryzgalov’s GAA was 2.48-- 37th in the league.

His save percentage? 90.9%-- 57th in the league. Five in the tens column, seven in the ones column, enth-- 57th in the league. Both it and his GAA don’t make the first page of NHL.com’s goalie leaders.

Weren’t great, you say? I’d say they were terrible.

Impressive amount of wins, eh? Bryz had 33 wins-- 10th in the league. I’d call that decent or adequate, because a big bear could have won 30 games for the Flyers this year.

Monetarily speaking, compared to Cliff Lee, Bryzgalov made $10 million this year (Roughly 16% of the Flyers 2011-12 payroll). 

Technically speaking, Bryzgalov made $10 million on his own. He doesn’t need to be compared to Cliff Lee for that. But I see where you’re going with this. What you’re telling me is that Bryz, the highest paid player in hockey, actually ate up a larger percentage of his team’s salary than Lee and handicapped the Flyers in a league with a salary cap? Awesome! Go on! I’m listening.

Some of the games he played like dirt and the Flyers lost.

Yep. You’re right.

Yet some of the games (especially the playoffs) he played well enough to win but his team let him down with defensive mishaps and lazy, uninspired play...

Not until Game 6 of the Penguins series did he stop more than 90% of shots, so I had say that he didn’t play well enough to win any of the first five games in that series. He was terrible, in fact. But Marc-Andre Fleury was terribleleleler. We’ll call it a draw.

Against the Devils, Bryz was decent, above average-- I’ll give you that. No more. The Flyers’ lazy, uninspired play was mostly a result of the Devils being a much better team (see Finals comma Stanley Cup).

... but regardless, I don't think anyone can blame the Flyers' early exit on Bryzgalov.

We agree! 

He still stunk this season, though. And was a flake. And threw his teammates under the bus at various points. And allegedly told a fan he cared too much. And said we’re too negative. And was a flake. And was a flake. And was a flake.

 So why does Cliff Lee get a free pass?

Cliff Lee doesn’t get a free pass, but he rarely does anything to warrant intense criticism. Sure, he sometimes has bad games and they sometimes come in the playoffs. However, in 11 career postseason starts, only three times has he given up more than three earned runs. He also has three postseason complete games. And, since you love the meaningless wins stat so much, he’s 7-3 in 11 playoff starts.

Because Lee (and his family) enjoyed playing for the Phillies and liked our fine city so much, he accepted less money to come back here. That goes a long way. So does the fact that he’s one of the best pitchers in baseball, and the best pitcher when he’s dialed in. He’s also a superb fielder and a delightfully entertaining hitter. In fact, I’d rather watch him bat than most of the slop in the Phillies lineup (for real, that’s not a joke-- it’s sad... but not a joke).

Bryz, on the other hand, was in over his head from the moment he got here. That said, I still don’t dislike him. I actually think he’s hysterical. But he’s a flake. And what’s endearing when he’s playing well (read: March) is maddening when he’s playing awful (read: the rest of the season). 

In the limited sample size we have with our $51 million goalie, he’s an underachiever. He’s had little postseason success elsewhere and didn’t have any here this year. He lets in bad goals, whines, and complains about the spotlight. Comparing him to Lee is completely ridiculous. Lee’s had much more career success than Bryzgalov, led two teams to the World Series, and is one of the most entertaining baseball players on the planet. Save for sometimes frustrating streakiness - balanced out with world-rocking streams of excellence - Lee consistently impresses. It’s not even a contest.

...

I responded to Michael’s email for real yesterday:

I think 2009 deserves more than 1 sentence. Best postseason performance by a Phillies pitcher ever. Better than Cole. Check the stats. 

He replied:

So, since he did really well in the playoffs 3 years ago, it's all good when he blows a 4 run lead en route to a first round disaster and follows that up by being winless in June? Makes sense. At least you answered my real question, which was whether you were a typical sports blogger, made popular by your pictures of drunk athletes and dick references or a guy that was actually in tune with a city's fanbase.

Someone in-tune might understand that Lee being winless in (almost) June is completely meaningless. So, whatever, cock.

Shane Victorino stopped by the MLB Fan Cave yesterday and surprised one oh-so-lucky fan with a phone call. 

Programming note: I apologize for the relative lack of updates (and posts like this) over the last few days-- apparently, buying a house and moving is more work than I anticipated. Site will be back to normal by Monday.

He's... so happy

How about a game where delightfully fat and slightly injured Chooch hits a two-run, pinch-hit, game-tying bomb in the hell hole known as Flushing, New York?

Sign me up!

Carlos Ruiz’s two-run blast in the top of the seventh tied last night's game at 3-3 and prevented Cliff Lee from being eligible for yet another loss. The Phillies would explode for seven more runs on their way to a 10-6 victory against the Metropolitans.

Carlos, predictably, was so happy: [Phillies.com] 

"I'm so happy to have that big home run right there. I was trying to get at least a base hit to get the inning going. I got a good pitch to hit and made a good swing."

Charlie Manuel, predictably, knew his pinch-hitter would come up big: 

"I had a feeling he was going to get a knock," Manuel said. "That's why I put him up there."

Cliff Lee, predictably, and like Roy Halladay, thinks Chooch is the best player on the team right now: 

"He's a great player, and he's proven it day in and day out," Lee said of Ruiz. "He's been a great catcher ever since I've been involved with him, and now he's starting to prove it even more with the bat. It just shows how complete of a player he is. He's our best player right now and has been the whole time."

The Amaro Lies

Ruben Amaro, who back in February classified Ryan Howard’s second surgery as not a setback, tells CSN Philly’s Jim Salisbury that The Big Piece probably won’t be back in June:

Amaro was asked if he believed Howard could be back before the end of June.

“I don’t believe so,” he said. “I don’t think so.”

Could Howard be back by the All-Star break?

“I don’t know,” Amaro said.

Howard actually had muscle removed during his surgery, something that was just revealed by the team last week following an all-out assault on their transparency from the Inquirer. 

Lies.

Now on to Halladay...  

Doc saw another doctor yesterday in New York-- Dr. David Altchek, who performed surprise Tommy John surgery on Twin Scott Baker. There’s no indication that anything is wrong with Halladay’s elbow... but there are a number of odd occurrences involving Doc since March that make us uneasy:

Decreased velocity in spring training, denies injury.

Leaves team after poor outing - in which he once again looked overheated - for “personal family issue,” returns next day. 

Wild rumors pop up about Doc’s health as people speculate what’s wrong and why he left team.

More bad starts.

Shoulder soreness, pulled from start. 

Lat strain, out 6-8 weeks.

Second opinion, will speak with media on Friday, likely in a secret, staged meeting by Phillies PR gestapo. 

Does this worry anyone else, or is it just me? 

Beer

A mobile-friendly link to the CBP beer guide.

The Rapists for 100, Alex

The serial rapist in the Northeast looks an awful lot like Shane Victorino, as pointed out by reader Emily. We're told it was Cliff Lee who gave a description to sketch artists.

Old Balls

Jamie Moyer was DFA'd.

Mermaids

Finally, the mermaid of John Mayberry Jr.’s affection, actress Antoinette Nikprelaj, is in a Carl’s Jr. ad, as pointed out by reader Ray.

I bet John wishes she was biting into his meat. What, too graphic?