Christian history, both past and present, is the ongoing story of a tragic distortion of faith when Jesus Christ ceases to be the center of the Christian life.
- Brennan Manning

It’s been on my heart a lot lately.  The bickering, the nit-picking, the questioning theology.  I do it a lot.  As a matter of fact, if you took the time to look back through my blog history, you’ll probably find more criticism than positive.  Through my short ‘Christian Life’, I’ve had the privilege to see a lot.  The good and the bad.  I, like most people, took in the bad, and let it drive my views, let it drive my thoughts, and in turn, probably allowed it to, in a way, drive my faith.

We see it all over the blogosphere, this pastor said this, that pastor thinks this, so on and so on.  I wonder if we ever take a step back to realize what that’s doing.

We have these healthy debates, traditional or contemporary, organ or guitar, hymns or choirs, spontaneous or recited prayer, what translation of the Bible is best.  It seems that these discussions have upstaged Calvary.  It seems that hot button issues, a man’s role, a woman’s role, a pastor’s comments, and gays seem to have become more important than the infinite love and grace of Jesus Christ.

It reminds me of Nero, playing the Fiddle while Rome burned.

Jesus asks Peter, “Do you love me?”.  (after Peter denied him 3 times.)

He didn’t say, “Peter, do you pray spontaneously?” or, “Peter, do you light incense in your church?”, or “Peter, does your church allow women in leadership, and gays in to worship?”.

All Jesus Christ asked was, “Do you love me?”.  Jesus measures dignity, not by numbers in a church or titles, not by gifts of prophecy, healing or speaking in tongues, but by Love.  Intimacy with Jesus Christ, and Christ alone.  In a world where we bicker about things that don’t matter, where we put speakers, authors, and “Christian Superstars” on a pedestal, this is a ‘slap-in-the-face reminder’ ” that only the love of Jesus Christ gives status.

I write all of this to say, I’m resigning from cynicism.  I’m resigning from writing about pastors who say something I don’t agree with.  I’m resigning from negativity.

I resolve to love.

Lord,  Remove my pain.  Take away the hurt.  Fix my past.

I’m starting to realize that my past is what makes me me.  The pain, the hurt, the drama, the crazy, it all happened.  There is no undoing it.  There is no ‘fixing it’.  I think, as  I work through this junk, everything I hear and read is pointing me towards realizing that God won’t fix this.  He will use it, transform it, make it a tool, but he will not fix it.

What does that mean for me?  Well, it means that I have to always focus on my spirituality.  I have to grow spiritually, so my past can be transformed into a tool Jesus can use.  I need to make, as Dan Garrett said yesterday in church, my actions match my beliefs.  I have to ask for help, because I cannot do this alone.  I’ve tried for too long.

The fact is we all have muck.  We all have things we wish didn’t happen, or we feel made us have that complex.  The fact is, I’ve bought in to this worldly phrase, “Time heals all wounds.”  Not  true.  Jesus can take care of it, but I have to get my head right.  I have to get my heart right.  I have to get my spirituality right.  I have to work through the muck.

I feel like I’m well on my way, but I’ve become aware that this is not a 1 week fix.  It’s not something I work at for a couple of days, and voila, everything is better.  That’s just not how it works!  This is more than a quick fix, a brief prayer, or admitting my issues.

This is a life style change.  This is discipline.  This is growing of spiritual health.  This is finding Jesus, and loving him like his disciples did.  Being in Jesus, so much that my worldly tendencies are defeated.  I need to focus on the present, plan for the future, but not ignore the past.  I need to walk the walk.

1 John 2:3-6
³We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. ⁴The man who says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. ⁵But if anyone obeys his word, God’s love^[a] is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him:⁶Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

[23] Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. [24] For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. [25] What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?

That’s scary.  Every day, I need to deny myself and take up my cross? That’s not pleasant at all.  I have to deny my urge to drink, to be angry, to lust, to…. well, do anything besides give glory to God!  That’s a tall order!  How on earth can each man take up his own cross?

I think about Jesus carrying His cross.  I think about people shouting at him, spitting on him, hitting him.  Humiliated, bleeding, hurt, He drags His cross as far as He possibly can.  This is where things get interesting.  Jesus couldn’t go any farther.  He could not go forward.  Jesus did not ask anyone for help.  No one offered.  That’s where Simon comes in.  He didn’t come running to help either.  It wasn’t a sign of mercy or compassion.  He was ordered to do so.  He was ordered to help Jesus Christ carry his cross.

Why do I say all of that?  I guess my point is, there will come a point in my life where I absolutely, cannot lift up my cross.  I am going to need a ‘Simon’.  I think we all are.  Regardless of if Simon offered the help, or if Jesus asked for the help, because honestly, I don’t have those answers.  I do think this offers a glimpse of what the Kingdom of God is like. Where a man will bear the cross for another.

Who are my Simons?  I think it’s pretty clear that if Jesus couldn’t bear His cross, (Physically) then there is no way on Earth any of us will be able to bear ours.  Who do I have in my life to help me bear mine?  Who can I help bear theirs?

These are the things we think of when we think of Crucified Jesus today.  A man, who, in some instances, has blood on his head, side, hands and feed. He looks pretty ‘at peace’, pretty calm, sometimes he even has a halo.  his face, and his abs are pretty well defined.  He’s a good looking guy and he just looks…. nice, like everyone would like him.   When we look at the crucifix, we view it as something that happened is over with, and now, it’s just a novelty item.

In church, on blogs, in person, we talk about the Living Christ.  Walking around, telling stories (Some I still don’t get) and healing folk.  Rarely do we, in my experience, talk about the beaten, ugly, bloody image that is Jesus Christ.  A punched, slapped, spit on, laughed at, beaten, cut deep, bloody beyond recognition, eyes swollen shut, butt-naked, smelling of blood, spit and sweat, probably missing some teeth, nailed to a cross with NAILS to die for MY sins, begging someone to just wet his lip, inviting two criminals to walk with Him for eternity, IT IS DONE, Jesus. The reality is harsh.  Honestly, just thinking about that makes me break down a bit.  Taking the ‘concept’ we know, Christ dying for our sins, and making it reality.  Putting it into an actual event, that took place, just 2000 years ago.

Often times, it’s easy for me to talk about the Jesus that said the nice things, and invited us to FOLLOW Him.  That sounds great.  Say nice things (When I’m happy), pray (when I have time), feed the poor (if it’s not too cold), take care of orphans and widows (if it doesn’t interfare with my living situation), show mercy(unless they’re killers, or molestors).  See. Up to that point, following Jesus is easy. Relatively.  Not too far fetched.  It’s all things that I should do anyway, to keep face.

This is why the walking, talking Jesus is easy for me to think about, and follow.  This is why it’s so easy for me to disregard the crucifix as a nice representation in jewelry, art, or clothing.  Because the reality scares the crap out of me!  It’s not….’seeker friendly’.  “Hey, you should follow Jesus, he died for your sins…… OH! and he called YOU to die too!”

YIKES.

I need to focus on this.  I need to really think about the reality of pain, anguish, and hatred Christ felt.  Maybe that will put some things in perspective.  Should we all weep…. and rejoice… when we see a crucifix?  When we see it… I mean… REALLY see it… shouldn’t it be such a powerful representation of Christ and what has happened for us, that we should all immediately be overcome with joy, and sorrow at the same time?  Has the living, dying, and living again Christ become a novelty in our lives?

I need a reality check.

“Man, I’m blessed. you know it.”

That’s typically something I hear, or say often.  I say it in passing and, honestly, I’ve never sat down and thought about it.  What does it mean to be blessed?  Having a healthy family? A job? Money? Sure, that stuff is nice, and are a blessing in a lot of ways!  Is that truely blessed?  I read around.  Turns out Jesus says a lot to how to be blessed.

Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are the poor in spirit.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are ye when men shall reproach you, and persecute you, and say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
Blessed are the peacemakers.
Blessed are those who mourn.
Blessed are the meek.

I am not sure I fit many of those descriptions, most of the time.  Are there other Scriptures that talk about being blessed?  Can someone give me a breakdown on being blessed in 1st world America, versus what Jesus teaches?  Is there a difference?  Is ‘blessed’ one of those words that means two different things, and you just have to know which one is which? 

I’m not being sarcastic here.  I just found it interesting that Jesus talks directly to ‘being blessed’, and I was wondering, is that a word we use to lightly?

What I mean is, growing up, all I had were my words.  At first, it was defense.  I knew if my mom was going to hit me, if I could make her laugh, she wouldn’t.  At school, I realized that, if I could make kids laugh, they’d like me.  I quickly learned that, with my words I could diffuse any situation.  Teacher’s mad?  I’ll talk to her.  Mom’s grounding me, and not letting me go out? I’ll talk to her, I’ll go out tonight. 

It’s spilled over into my adult life. (As have 100,000 other things.) I can, when I want to, talk my way out of anything. 

So, this is how I pray a lot of time. I reason with God.  I say things like, “You know that bad thing I did, well, it was one time, and… I’m only human, but you know I love you, and you love me, so… we’re cool, right?”

Boom, like that, I try to relieve myself of all responsibility.  God and I talked about it. That’s it. It’s done.

Well, it’s not.  Maybe that’s where a lot of this anger is coming from.  Maybe that’s where a lot of my low self-esteem is coming from.  I think my ‘prayer life’ has been lacking, because of me.  I think I am on to something.  I think I’m scared of working on it.  I’m scared to press the publish button.  I’m scared to confront this.  But I have to or I’ll be right back here in 6 months. (Or still here.)

Community.  If I have a prayer that I’ve been praying, and I’m to pray unceasingly, how do I do this?

Perhaps that’s where community comes in?  If I ask you to pray for me. Maybe you’ll be praying for me in a time where I cease.  Maybe I fell asleep, got caught up in the day to day mess, or maybe I am even just feeling distant from God.

What’s scary is we can throw out the “I’m praying for you.” so easily, on later to be dismissing it, forgetting to, or just not meaning it at all.  This is a pretty big deal.  Praying for someone and not, could be the difference between unceasing and ceasing.  I know that’s a stretch, but my belief is Jesus put a pretty huge focus on community for a reason.  I do believe, with all of my heart, we were called to community, not to talk the controversy, not to talk about the other person is doing wrong, but to support each other, and help each other grow unceasingly.  I believe a big part of this is prayer.

Unceasingly praying is not something that is easy.  It’s not something to take lightly.  It’s not something to dismiss as, “I’m just not good at prayer.” or, “He never listens anyway.”.  It’s something to work towards, unceasingly, until you are there.  And when you fall, work at it again, until you are there again.

Thoughts?

Have you ever heard the phrase “Speak it into existence”?  I still am not 100% sure what that means.  But I know this, when I say things enough, it happens.  Especially things like, “Today is going to be a horrible day.” I don’t know that the day is actually horrible, or if that’s what I’ve placed in my mind/heart.

When I repeat a phone number, I memorize it.

So, what do I repeat, with my mouth, or in my mind to count as constant prayer? I don’t know the answer to that question, so I did what I know how to do.  I Googled it.  I simply typed “Jesus Prayer”.  The first result was Wikipedia, so I clicked on it, I found this.  It actually talks about Hesychasm, which I think means silent prayer, or something like that.  Not really sure.  Anyway. Turns out the “Jesus Prayer” is “Κύριε Ιησού Χριστέ, Υιέ του Θεού, ελέησόν με τον αμαρτωλόν” or “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

I started repeating this, whenever I can. (Yesterday)  I still do.  In my mind, mumble it out loud. whatever I can do.  I think the idea I have is, if I repeat this, it will embed itself into my heart. To where, my heartbeat will cry out, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!”  It seems like a far fetch.  It seems like it’s  a desperate attempt, which is what makes me believe it will work.

Another one I’ve been repeating is simply, “The Lord is my Shepherd.”  Repeating. Repeating, like a drum a rhythm in my body.  The more I repeat it, the more the imagery of that becomes real.  The more Jesus Christ actually being a Shepherd is a reality in my life.  Insane.  The reality shatters my soul.  The idea of declaring that, and that being embedded in my soul is really crazy.  I find myself, in moments of silence, realizing that instead of that song stuck in my head, I may mumble “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” or “The Lord is my Shepherd”.   I can’t say any real change has happened in the past few days, but I can say that I feel a little better.

I can say that, at least, in my mind, I have a prayer, that I try to repeat as much as possible.  My hope is that this prayer, will play in my mind like music enough to move to, and embed itself into my heart….. Unceasingly.