Think about it, what is the worst thing you’ve ever done? The more heinous the better, because no matter what, if you’re guilty, Whoopi Goldberg will defend you! No, she is not a lawyer but over the years, as a public, pro-bono side job, she’s verbally taken up the cases of every creep who keeps the gossip pages alive.

But as Kanye West might say, “Yo Whoopi, I’m real happy for you and Ima let you finish, but Johnny Cochran was the best criminal defender of all time! All time!”

Here’s a list of Whoopi’s greatest hits:

I’ve decided pie charts found via Google images can be uplifting. Even though I don’t know what the chart below is going on about, it sure feels like a great deal of time and effort went into making it. My mother often said, “Hard work should always be appreciated.”
I agree.

Their questionable label: is not as decisive as I’d like, but our futures are open ended.
No need to close the door on life’s vast array of possibilities. Thus a “question mark” doesn’t really detract from the greater good.

All regions listed are real places and that’s reassuring. I’ve been to Europe and Asia. I think the blue and red colors they’ve chosen suit those continents perfectly. North America seems to be doing quite well on this chart. I live in the USA, so this is good news for me and every other American citizen.
I think.

I also found this one:
This graphic alarmed me. It appears 30% of the people owe money but 35% are paying for it.
I’m worried I might be one of the people paying for it and that causes me a great deal of stress.
I prefer this chart below.
It has endless possibilities. It’s kind of pretty and gives the imagination something to work with. I switched the orange color to a purple color. That felt more organic to me. Can you imagine the cool percentages you could add to this chart?
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Do you have items in your closet you haven’t worn in years and have no intention of wearing, yet you keep them around? Maybe you think at some point in the future you’ll wear them again. But at what point in the future? Do you have a list of circumstances that would deem it necessary to hang on to clothes, shoes or anything in case they become relevant again in 2011 or an upcoming decade? Or perhaps you plan on passing it down to your children?
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At some point it comes time to clear out the closet. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve worn my black, thigh high, patent leather boots. Three times.

#1. For self-portrait photographs. (Witness an example above.)

#2. To an arty-farty party in Venice, California.
Great event in a funky loft style apartment, but most people ended up trekking to the beach.
Wearing boots like these in the sand and water would be asinine.
Guess who spent the evening being asinine? Yes, that would be me.

#3. On a surprise visit to my boyfriend, wearing these boots and an overcoat with nothing else beneath. This all sounds very Hollywood film-style sexy, except for the fact that I wrecked my car fender while driving there. Clearly these aren’t Nascar shoes.

These boots no longer work with my sexually subtle lifestyle. The trashcan is their final destination. I thought of donating them to the thrift store but I’d hate to imagine someone else wearing my sexy, hot boots. Someone who might have way more fun in them than I did or someone who would leave them in a closet getting dusty. Either scenario would be so wrong in so many ways.
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Want to transform life’s daily annoyances into a hotter YOU?
If you inhabit Planet Earth, like the rest of us, you’ll find it easy to master this new, innovative exercise regimen.
The science of body shaping in a world filled with stressful hassles can now be fast, fun and easy. This instructive guide fits into your daily, natural routine and requires no change in diet or any need to purchase costly equipment. It’s absolutely free!

*The following exercises are broken down by muscle group. *Results may vary.*

Get ready to be smokin’ hot…

FACE

Our faces contain the collection of muscle tissue that everyone remembers most.
Make sure to do this particular one as often as possible.
First Step: Anything you see, hear or smell that you dislike, scrunch up your face. A look of disgust flexes countless facial sinews. But be careful, overuse of this exercise could cause early onset wrinkles and make you look like a gross loser. Luckily Botox isn’t as expensive as it used to be.
WORK IT OUT: Contort your face into the following ->1.) Scowl of confusion. 2.) The I’ll-murder-you-dead snarl. 3.) The I’m-going-to-destroy-the-world grimace.
For best results do all three in succession. Splitting this routine into separate sets throughout the day will work as well. 3 Reps of each daily

NECK

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Our necks flab tremendously with old age. To prevent such a rude attack on our vanity, known as ‘turkey neck,’ perform this with utmost care.
First Step: Oscillate properly by learning the precision of contorting your head and neck in an askance fashion. Do this vigorously if expressing disbelief, if desperate to avoid staring at a gross loser or while engaging in any aversion you deem necessary.
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WORK IT OUT: -> 1.)Turn to the left or right depending on which side of you the visual offender lurks. 2.) Move the neck back and forth while being befuddled or disagreeing. 3.) Glance upwards, towards the sky when it’s spiritual. 4.) Tilt down, towards the ground when hiding your lies or feeling insecure.
All of these also work wonders if a friend asks to borrow money or the neighbor tries bending your ear, yet again, with boring neighborly nonsense. The more you avoid, the stronger your neck. 6 Reps daily

SHOULDERS

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Create flexibility in this trio of muscles; deltoid, subscapularis and infraspinatus. Ignore the big scary medical terms and focus only on fit shoulders, which leads to stronger chests, adding buoyancy to the breasts and moobs. Certain romantic acts require solid deltoids for elevation. Letting this area go slack can restrict lovemaking to a prone position. The prone position is also known as, “Let’s hurry and get this over with.”
First Step: Master the fast reaction by posturing quickly when asked to do anything you don’t want to do such as refusing to answer a tough question, or if touched by a gross loser.
WORK IT OUT: -> 1.) Tense up. 2.) Recoil. 3.) Shrug. 4.) Release.
3 Reps, four times a week.

ARMS

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Keeping these limbs tight will prevent the jiggly flab often seen when chubsters wave hello or goodbye to various people they are pretending to like. An ability to flex this area allows a wide range of possibilities even when not used in this holistic hostility regimen.
First Step: focus on both your biceps and triceps.
WORK IT OUT: -> 1.) Elbow push in the gut or face of those who crowd you. 2.) Violently shut the curtains to keep out ogling neighbors *or roll up a car window to prevent lost idiots from asking for directions.* 3.) Flap your arms like a chicken when someone reveals themselves as weak. 4.) Wave your arms in the air frantically to prevent a friend from talking to a gross loser.

Each can be done separately but is best done consecutively for greater benefit. All of these movements also strengthen your shoulders. 8 Reps, weekly.

FINGERS

Many people forget to work on these joints. Without fingers our hands would be worthless, so keep in mind the importance of these digits.
First Step: Gather all 10 fingers in one place. Try to add wrist action when you can. Adding in arms is optional.
WORK IT OUT: -> 1.) Cross your fingers behind your back when lying. *This prevents it from being a lie.* 2.) Give a thumbs-up to people who fall, say the wrong word or embarrass themselves in any way. 3.) Flip the bird at gross losers. 4.) Wag your finger at liars, bastards, and anyone who fails at achieving their goals, or dummies who disagree with your genius.

Flipping the bird and the shame-on-you finger wag are best done by adding profanity. A verbal addition can strengthen the jaw if said with proper force through gritted teeth.
12 Reps, for each hand, weekly.

BUTTOCKS

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Tighten the gluteus maximus while saving yourself from embarrassing sound pollution and odiferous assault on the unlucky people nearest you. A tight rump looks good in jeans which is flattering to both sexes. Please note: No one wants to smell the burrito you ate, plus methane contributes to the gaping brown hole in the ozone layer. Do your end to stop global warming.
First Step: Practice this one at home before attempting it in public. Failure to master this exercise will make people think you’re a gross loser.
WORK IT OUT: -> 1.) Squeeze in. 2.) Clench. 3.) Release when coast is clear.
If you have more than 2 reps a day of this exercise, Ask Your Doctor to prescribe a remedy in pill or liquid form. 0 Reps, if possible.

[ Please add your thoughts in the comment section below! And if you have additional exercises to share please post them as well.
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EXAMPLES OF THE FUCKERY:

*New Year’s Resolutions.
*Breaking a New Year’s Resolution then moaning about it.
*Sending out quotes that you’d never live by.
*Giving advice that no one will live up to, including yourself.
*Lying up-a-storm and then being mad that someone didn’t tell the truth.
*Acting like the word “fuck” in a blog post offends you, yet you say it all the time.
*Acting like curse words in general offend you, especially via social networking, yet your favorite films, books and comedians use the words often.
*Buying a dog then not walking it, leaving it alone all the time because you have a crappy job with late hours.
*Talking about your crappy job yet never looking for a better one.
*Not cleaning up your dog’s shit from a stranger’s lawn.
*Purchasing costly items then saying, “OMG I can’t afford this!”
*Whipping your friends up into a frenzy of condolences after getting dumped, when in fact you deserved to be dumped.
*Being jealous of models and anyone else who is hot.
*Talking trash about famous people, who broke their backs to get where they are, yet nobody knows your name.
*Claiming a musician has “sold out” as an artist just because you’re no longer their only fan.
*Going on vacation and spending 80% of the time in a hotel, returning home and reciting that place’s Wikipedia entry because you didn’t learn anything about the place.
*Regurgitating intelligent articles you’ve skimmed, as if it’s your own thought.
*Saying you feel so sorry for someone and then not lifting a finger to help.
*Not connecting your friends with certain people because it might help them, and any advance to a friend’s career would really bum you out.
*Spouting hatred about the government yet you don’t even vote.
*Boring everyone around you by watching cooking shows but never making any of the dishes.
*Discussing the details of your diet, all the time.
*Eating lard then complaining about your weight.
*Going to the gym and only working out for 5-15 minutes, then bragging about how, “Woah, totally worked out at the gym today.”
*Picking on people in the service industry because you’re in a bad mood and too weak to confront the ones who actually put you in that bad mood.
*Promising to do something, not doing it, then getting angry at the one you promised to do something for.
*Stating you don’t like a book, CD, movie only based on a synopsis, review, preview.
*Acting aghast when a celebrity gets caught in a naked pic or sex video, yet you’ve looked at the vid and pic many times. Even sent a link to friends.
*Joining in the absurd roar of disgust when a famous person’s private life is made public revealing they committed adultery. As if that person has broken a promise to your anonymous self.
*Publicly telling everyone about your private dispute over how someone told everyone about your private details.
*Getting on your high horse warning people they shouldn’t judge others yet when you say that, it indicates you’ve just judged them. Just as you judge random strangers’ shoes, hairdos, etc…

Pffffffffft. The Fuckery is exhausting. Maintaining a blog might even be considered a form of fuckery. Depends on your audience, I guess. Mine seems to be dwindling. So maybe I won’t be done with fuckery now that I have so much free time on my hands. Free time to continue my own fuckery and embrace everyone else’s fuckery. But if my dog shits on your lawn, I’ll absolutely clean it up, except, oops, I forgot to bring a bag. Sorry.

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Next time someone sees you glued to your computer, let them know you are not procrastinating. Tell them you are not wasting time. You are saving time. You are saving your life.

The daily life expectancy for those who remain indoors, camped-out online, is triple to that of the people who step outside and interact with the planet, off-line. Individuals who venture outdoors, away from the safety of their desktop computers can succumb to great bodily harm. Bodily harm is a symptom of death.

There are certain ailments, regardless of indoor cyber use, that may affect us, but if we statistically focus on the “outdoor induced” causes of fatality it will be quite clear that the internet increases your lifespan.

NOTE: This does not apply to people using the internet while outdoors. Specifically not the ones you’re trying to have an in-person conversation with, but instead they text or call other people. Calls and texts to those other people who didn’t waste time meeting them in public.

Compiled below are alarming facts, all of which reiterate how your stay-at-home social networking increases life expectancy by avoiding life’s “unexpectancies.”

.DEADLY STATS.

• Motor Vehicle Accidents: In America, an average of 114 people die each day in car crashes.
• War: Well over 100 million documented war torn deaths since the year 1914.
• Airline Crashes: 120 people killed on average each year.
• Struck by Lightening: 90 people are slain annually in the U.S. by lightning.
• The Flu: 20,000 people die from the flu and its complications every year. This virus is commonly caught by people who leave the house.

.MORE DEATH ORIENTED STATS.
Albeit a fewer percentage of people are snuffed-out by the following, but it’s just as fatal:

• Taken hostage in a bank robbery; bound, gagged, and heinously murdered.
• Being riddled with bullets in a drive-by shooting.
• Pancaked on the street by an exploding manhole cover. Specific to New York City region only.

As proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, by the horrifying list above, people who regularly leave the house have a shorter life span than those remaining indoors. Your every home bound tweet or Facebook post is indeed adding to your longevity. The more you remain inside, the greater the statistical amount of breathing time you’ll have to live online, and off.

Let’s face facts: other than food, water, jobs, money, health care, transportation, and clothing –all you need is love. Love. Love is all you need.

.CYBER CRUSHING.
It’s common knowledge that people with DSL are prone to be more promiscuous than those with dial-up.
The typical internet romance involves two people who have never met and in most cases never will, because the more you get to know someone online, equals the amount you get to dislike them, online. Regardless of internet speed, crushing-on cyber people poses very little threat to your life expectancy. However, same as in a real romance, you can run the risk of a broken heart. Luckily it’s much easier to get over that kind of break than a “real” broken relationship. The depression one suffers via failed electronic commitments passes within a shorter time frame than the ennui and misery of an honest to goodness one-on-one love affair that involves actual human proximity.

If psychologists gave a crap about this sort of thing they’d surely agree.
And any crap-giving doctor worth a crap would tell you, virtual relationships rarely transmit STDs or yeast infections.

Life is your most valuable possession. Going outside to live that life, could kill you.

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You know the quote, “Be afraid, be very afraid.”? For some the equivalent is, “Be jealous, be very jealous.” I am not a jealous person. If I act jealous I’m 98% faking it. If I am with a friend, I am with them because I adore them and love their company. I am not competing with them. Neither am I competing with utter strangers. Compete for what? Why would anyone need to “one up” someone they respect and care for or even strangers?
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When I am with the one I love, I barely notice the others around me in regards to if they are attracted to my mate. I simply don’t see what strangers are doing. Why should I give a rat’s ass about randoms? Even if they are flirting with ME, more than likely I’m clueless until someone tells me it happened.

Talking to someone else who happens to be good looking and desirable? Big frikken deal. Committing to a relationship does not make one inhuman and unaware of the beauty around us. A person can engage in conversation and admire another without sneaking off to the backseat of a car.

When I was in school my “jealously” consisted of:

But I was evolved enough to know:

I could remedy both of those things by getting a job and paying more attention to my studies. I find jealousy pointless, but sometimes appallingly necessary. For if I hadn’t been jealous in school, perhaps I wouldn’t have applied myself more to my studies and put myself in a position to find better, more fulfilling employment.

Maybe in a relationship jealousy prevents us from becoming slobs.
Why snag a lover and then let ourselves go to flab? Stop reading books?
Forget to take a shower? Fart constantly?

Honor the one you’re with, yes, but first and foremost, honor yourself.
Be jealous, but curb how much. Otherwise you will scare away the ones dearest to you. And as I said, this applies to “friendships” as well. Be yourself and don’t emulate others.
Being inspired by others is natural and often produces great results. Separate the two as best you can. Lusting after another’s life, creativity, prowess, intelligence and strength is belittling to yourself. Become your own entity, strive to improve upon your own given traits or forever be lame.

THIS is what I want to say, on my deathbed, “WOAH, I really ripped the world a new one.”
I don’t have to be famous or rich to say this. I really have already done so in many ways, albeit small, but I feel I still have time to do it BIG.

And so can you. Have faith in your individuality or no one else will.

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I am no longer on Twitter, but the skidmarks persist.

Last week, I received a letter from the wife of a man I was once “friends” with on Twitter. Emphasis on friends. There was nothing more to it than that. I had no romantic interest in him. I’ve had interest in some men, but not this one, or the other slabs of man-meat I’ve been accused of desiring.

The married man and I never exchanged phone numbers or even email addresses. I didn’t know where he lived, nor did I care. We were merely friendly on Twitter. He followed me, I didn’t seek him out, he followed me. He began tweeting me, not vice versa.

When I was on Twitter I tweeted with anyone. Little did I know that if I tweeted in reply to a married man I was apparently trying to break-up the marriage, wreck the home, destroy the fabric of family values and all that is sacred in America.

The letter from his wife? Curiously, it’s not the first time I’ve gotten hit with such delusional nonsense. Perhaps my way of engaging is more intense than other people. Actually there is no doubt about it, since my way of doing everything is often more intense than necessary, but that’s just how I am.
Intense, and intensely uninterested.

As I said, this isn’t the first such hallucination I’ve been notified of in email or on Twitter or had heatedly posted to my Facebook wall. And all of these fanciful interludes have come via a wildly imaginative wife of an unattractive, lonely male who spends more time in cyberspace than with his family. That’s my fault, right?
In all cases, my attraction to these men = none. Even after a vat of hardcore booze, no attraction.

Tweeting is not “romance,” and even if someone is deluded into thinking so, does any of it amount to anything? Not in my universe, no. It’s not a “relationship,” it’s called “procrastination,” and once everyone gets a damn job, it’s over.

I feel like posting her letter here, but I won’t. I believe that deep in her heart she actually thinks, just as the handful of other women think, I had something to do with “something.” She’s mistaken, but I’ll keep her name and the other names out of it, although I doubt they’d do the same for me.

Me, the evil marriage wrecker… One tweet from Christina Kingston and your whole relationship crumbles. Yep, 140 characters from me and all those long walks on the beach with the one you love is destroyed, gone, nose-diving you straight into divorce court!

If I have that kind of power via a few words, wow, I sure wish it’d transfer to my bank account.

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I’ve been gone. Absent from my website and away from these here Americas. I was residing in places with buildings built hundreds of years ago and yet they look as young as Joan Rivers.

During my travels, numerous crazy-amazing, incredible things took place. And due to that, or maybe despite that, I feel the need to make my return post about Target. The popular American store offering a plethora of shabby wares.
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I come back to the good ol’ red, white ‘n’ blue, dragging in suitcases and glorious memories, all of which dissipate as soon as I realize my vacuum cleaner no longer works. Like most people, first thing I do upon returning home is suck-up all the carpet filth. But my vacuum, bought at Target 4 months ago, no longer functions. When I flipped the switch, the damn thing vomited back all the old dirt from months past, made a scary noise, then died.

Target fucking sucks. It’s not only the shitty appliances that blow chunks at Target, it’s the everything. Well, almost everything… Some helpful advice when shopping there is to make sure you open the package immediately. Do it even while in the store, before you buy it, if possible. It becomes annoying to drive back, furious, demanding a refund. By now the staff know me on a first-name basis. They don’t bother using my name though, instead they refer to me as, “The angry Bitch is back.”

A few of my favorite discoveries while ripping open the Target product containers are as follows:

• The set of blue pillow cases, one with a white stain on it.
• The Tupperware without tops for two of the containers.
• The Crayola pack sans the black crayon.
• The pantyhose with a rip on the left leg AND right leg.
• The set of 8 steak knives with only 7, but including a random fork.

I could go on… As a matter of fact, I will. The only “good” thing about all these misfires is that Target doesn’t hassle you when you return faulty merchandise. The worst part of them taking it back, no questions asked, is how they seem to simply rewrap it, as if nothing ever happened, placing it right back on the shelf. Hence the cause for many of the mishaps inside 50 percent of the packages. Obviously no one would shop at Target if it didn’t offer convenience and cheap prices. And if it wasn’t located across the street from Starbucks, on every stinking street corner in America (a.k.a. conveniently located.)

I’ve decided to pay a little more cash for my necessary items, or resort to shoplifting, only at stores offering a higher caliber of goods. I’ll start with paying extra and if I can no longer afford to do that, I’ll switch to theft.

During this financial crisis, anything free, can help prevent our wallets from embarrassment.
Here’s a wealthy list, of the world’s greatest money savers…

You want to change the world? Expand the way you share.
On Twitter I’ve met a motley crew of people who have tons to share, from the personal, to the professional. From the uproariously funny, to the “take note” serious. My favorite batch of people on social networking sites (and in the 3D realm) are the ones who take time to pass on more than the latest breaking news. The ones offering up fresh discoveries, what they laughed at, or whatever else has served to brighten their day. For one, you never know how far this tiny gesture of sharing might travel, and what actions it may set in motion. On Twitter this ’sharing’ is most easily done by a retweet. Every “community,” worth its weight, is built on give and take. Community and change are both made by individuals interacting through communication with the world around them. Some have forgotten this fact.
A vast number of folks don’t share things with their friends and followers. Instead they @ a reply with, “That’s a great link,” or simply an “LOL” –thus the buck stops there. Stops, with them. Even though they felt it was something of value, they don’t spread the wealth. It’d take one second to do so. They might even find their followers appreciate them making an introduction to a new person, a certain subject, or even re-gifting a bit of levity which can help ease a dull day.

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The immense disconnect of sharing, and loss of selfless-caring was mostly birthed, in general, by cyberspace. This new breed of an electronic lone wolf has helped create the worst ‘Me Me Me’ type. This saddens the remaining folks who remember to help one another, the ‘Me You Us’ type.
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A personal story that illustrates the point: A friend told me she turned down a job. Yet after doing so she neglected to relay this job opening to our mutual friend who’s in the same field, was currently unemployed and struggling. I didn’t forget, how the heck did she? I instantly got on the phone and gave the information. An IRL retweet. The best way to help someone is by helping them to help themselves. I did not get our friend the job, just relayed the information. She went in, interviewed, they loved her, hired her based on her own merits. I barely lifted a finger, yet changed a person’s life.
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One of my favorite connectors is Danny Brown. He’s respected for his tireless efforts to rally the people and build community. His all inclusive, open arms to the masses is admirable and worthy of emulation. I’ve learned a lot from him via the way he carries himself on Twitter, and how he’s built up his blog by posting good content and allowing all who visit to become a participant if they so choose. I’m not just saying this because he’s my good friend, I say it because these are the very reasons he became a good friend.
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In a recent interview I was asked who are my gurus. My reply then, and now, is simple. My gurus are the individuals I bump into online and in person. The regular people who have taught me a vast amount, important things I carry with me daily. I share the revelations as often as I can. Just as eagerly as I share new voices via links to someone’s blog post, a person’s humorous words and interesting takes on a subject coming from an out-of-the-box mind. As you know, the RT can function as a quote. But don’t you think the dead famous people have been quoted plenty? Why not honor the living who also “think different” and in so doing help you to do the same?
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Far too many are comfortable taking and not giving, satiated in living an isolated, egomaniacal lifestyle. Truth is, yes yes, we have to give to ourselves in order to achieve our goals, but there is always time to help another. Always. And it mustn’t be a big huge heap of help, it’s whatever you can muster at that moment.

You want to change the world?
Then expand the way you share.
Over time, baby steps lead to great strides.
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[ ->Please add your thoughts in the comment section below!
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It’s not all blue skies out here in “the cloud” these days. If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time not-finding stuff on the interwebs. Searching, but not finding. Sometimes it seems like the more you look, the less you find.

Now, don’t get me wrong, if you don’t care what you locate, you’ll definitely see some interesting sights on the web. But if I’m scouting for a bracing shot of random, I’ll use StumbleUpon.com or Twitter. When I’m searching for specific things, I don’t expect useless returns from Google et al. Yet, increasingly, that’s what I’m getting.

And the biggest eyesore clogging my search results has to be Yahoo! Answers.

What the heck is Yahoo! Answers? It’s a place where you ask a question and a bunch of yahoos answer. A diabolical Cult of the Non-Expert. If I’m searching for the lyrics to the Slinky jingle, or wondering who funded the Large Hadron Collider, I don’t want to hear what Sammy JoJo Jenkins, Jr. thinks is the answer, I want the correct answer.

Yet this dreck is always near the top of my search results, generally erroneous and often years old. And, as if Yahoo! Answers info-drool wasn’t bad enough, there are also its copycat cousins, Cha Cha Answers and Wiki Answers, similar websites where Sammy JoJo, and his ilk, can further spread their alleged-411 manure throughout everyone’s search results.

Note to Sammy JoJo: Opinions are like A-holes, everybody’s got one, and no, I don’t want to smell yours.

Sure, I could use advanced search terms to subtract Yahoo! Answers (and ChaCha Answers and Wiki Answers, and maybe Sammy JoJo Answers). But that’s a lot of extra typing required to refine a search when all I’m trying to do is find the correct lyrics to the Slinky jingle. Of course, the search engines could create filters to help us sift out this crap automatically, but oops, that might cut into their profits from marketing our eyeballs to the highest bidder. I guess the real answer is in the marketing.
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-Follow Jefferson Reid on Twitter @JeffersonReid]
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Animals love a good joke. Listed below are fast and fun ways to make your pet’s day funny.
If you don’t have a pet you’ll need to get one in order to perform any of the pranks listed below.

Pets are our friends. An unusual kind of friend, for if we get bored by them we can leash ‘em up or lock them in a cage. That’s a bizarre friendship, if you ask me.
[ ->Please share your thoughts in the comment section below!
I didn't cover the entire animal kingdom, can you name some other pet pranks that would create even more merriment?
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Have you ever wanted to take back a rant? There are many reasons one may need to camouflage a blog post. The most important reason is to save face, and prevent you from waking in a horror the next morning, full of regret. No one wants to snap awake in a panic, wondering, “Oh God, who saw my writing?” then rush for the computer to delete the evidence. You snooze you lose, though, for regardless of you pouncing on the delete button, your words have probably been etched on Google cache in perpetuity.
I’m going to list three reasons to disguise a post, and the ways to do so.

1.) Crushing Your Former Crush
You hate that scumbag. Unfortunately, the venomous texts, emails and phone calls you’ve sent during an out-of-control (but justified) rage won’t suffice, because you need the whole wide world to know all about it. Yeah, it’s got to be broadcasted. You just ended a relationship with some rotten chick or dude and wow, the liar sucks so bad you wish you could have ‘em pummeled by a big stick. Sadly you have no means of brute force so your best option is to post a scathing blog discussing what a total piece of work the pig is. If you don’t want to name names – and of course you shouldn’t because naming names only makes YOU look bad, even though it’s that bastard who sucks – do this…
CAMOUFLAGE: Write your post in third person. Example: “This happened to my friend and I want to share the story with you…” The empathy you get indirectly from commenters will be just as good as direct commiseration. Yeah, it happened to your friend. That’s the ticket. Now rip that a-hole a new one!

2.) Crashing The Cubicle
What the hell, your boss or the company you work for is treating you like a back-alley step-dog and it’s absurdly unfair. Without you they’d flounder like fish on the beach. How dare they let your brilliant contribution go unrecognized? Your skills are top notch and bet your ass if you worked somewhere else, some place that wasn’t lame enough to miss what a professional you are, you’d be rolling in the dough, hand over fist, rising the ladder like nobody’s business. Okay, time to trash the bastards. But how? It’s a big No No in the electronic age to dish dirt on your employer. You’ll get fired if they see it, so…
CAMOUFLAGE: Find another company to talk about. Similar to the ruse in #1, it’s best to complain about a friend or a relative’s employer. Use another company to ridicule but sprinkle in all of your troubles, therefore it’s still about you and your unhappiness but since you don’t work at [insert company here], no one will know. Make sure not to use anyone’s actual name from your job. Example: if your Boss is named Sue, call her Judy. If anyone you work with suspects you’re dissing them be fast to let them know you’re a professional and would never do such a thing. All you’ve done is stick up for a friend who has a bad job. Yeah, that’s what you’re doing. Very admirable.

3.) Curiously Corrupt Content
Eager to mouth-off like an expert? Dying to argue about something you know very little about? Whether it’s passion or a low IQ that motivates one to dive into dubious discourse, we’ll never know, but it’s fairly certain we’ve done it and we’ve all drowned at some point while doing it. It’s usually wise to pipe down when we don’t have enough data to make a proper analysis, but if you absolutely need to lambast an issue, meanwhile presenting something full of holes, be sure to dress it up first with trap doors in case you need to sneak out. Most likely you will require an escape route if anyone notices how bogus you are…
CAMOUFLAGE: As we learned in high school, a way to take the pressure off you and your slapdash work is by claiming you didn’t study or you wrote the paper in an hour. Your work still sucks but at least you’ve planted the seed that if it sucks it’s ONLY because you didn’t put in the time and effort. So do that in your blog post when talking about an issue you have no brain power to back up. Begin with, “I could be wrong on this since it only took 5 minutes to write.” If you’re lucky, all the search engines will pick up that first sentence and keep you off the hook. If anyone in the comment section questions your idiocy, refer them back to your first sentence. Example Reply, “Hey dude, listen, as I said, I wrote this in under 5 minutes.” Done! You’re covered. You’re still stupid, but you can iron that out later.

Everyone loves a train wreck, but hopefully the above advice will prevent you from having too many crashes.
I’m sure I’ve missed topics that may also need camouflage, but I only had an hour to write this, so sue me.
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t’s no secret magazines geared specifically towards a female audience are nothing more than a trashy excuse to waste paper. I tend to ignore these rags, but recently in the grocery store I couldn’t help notice this Cosmopolitan cover for April 2010.
This one, to me, is so far over-the-top I feel it needs deconstruction and a massive spanking.

-> Easy, Fun Ways to Fall More in Love With Your Man
Wow if they, whoever they are, already have a “man,” then maybe they can skip the nondisclosure sex article above, as I suggested, and move directly to falling more in love. But hey, if you don’t already love him, how in the world will that change due to a desperate vanity journalist groveling for cash with bad writing? By the way, all the tips outlined in the article are actually ways to boost uphis self-esteem, and how to worship him, not how to love him more. If you buy it, please read this article first. My stomach still aches from laughter. Once I find a man to worship, it will be indescribable naked sex.

-> 50 Things To Do Butt Naked
This heavy breathes for itself. Butt here’s a helpful sampling of unclothed examples they provide.
*Make phone calls
*Slow dance to a sensual song by John Legend.
*Do a naked cartwheel, “just so you can say you’ve done it.”
****One thing they missed is: hang a rope from the ceiling…****

-> The Rape Danger Zone Most Women Don’t Know About
Would it be your “G-Spot” or some other erogenous zone? We’d assume so.
No darlings, after Cosmo encourages you to get naked, fuck constantly and worship men, they then scare the pants back on you, warning you to not leave the house alone because you could be raped.
WARNING: WOMEN SHOULD STAY INSIDE NAKED AND READ MAGAZINES.

If that isn’t enough you can also ogle tons of pics featuring Photoshopped babes (or maybe they aren’t babes, who can tell) plus peruse other articles about sex, sex, sexual sex and worshiping a man. Yes, none of this is new news in pop culture. So, um, whatever, BUY IT TODAY!
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