Cultarama

The Deadly Spawn

2009-04-21T15:20:00.003-05:00

This is a great monster movie from the early 80's. Two campers see a meteorite fall the earth, when they go inspect, they encounter a giant alien eating machine with multiple heads and literally thousands of teeth. The creature moves into town and hides in someone's basement. People start disappearing left and right. A tea party is subsequently attacked by what look like baby spawn, which bear a striking resemblance to the "Killer Condom". Sort of like tadpoles on steroids with nothing but rows and rows of razor sharp teeth. A few teenagers figure that they better kill the parent creature before it makes enough spawn to devour the whole planet. One of the teens is really into magic and puts a huge amount of flash powder in a dummy head and dangles it in front of the creature, who is hesitant at first but finally gives in and takes a great big bite. Then suddenly... boom. The creature splatters everywhere. All seems well with world again. That is until the end, when you see a HUGE spawn emerge from a mountain and bear his uncountable teeth.

The Alien Dead

2009-04-08T17:53:00.004-05:00

Even though I knew this movie was gonna be crap, the title was very catchy since I love both alien and zombie movies, I decided that it was definitely worth a try. The story begins with an alligator poacher who's wife is killed by what he claims to be "monsters". While on a late night walk, the mangled corpse of the wife is found. Even after this gruesome find, the sheriff still doesn't buy this story about monsters in the swamp. The next day, the sheriff and a reporter scouts the swamps and encounter strange human-like creatures that eat human flesh and somehow survive under the water. In total denial, they're convinced it's some kind of rabid alligator responsible for this murderous mayhem. A bounty is put on the alligator and tons of people trying to make a quick buck by catching a murderous gator, end up facing their own massacre by the "swamp zombies". Soon a story emerges, about a "falling star" that landed in the swamps. Another story emerges with a more detailed account... apparently the "falling star" is not a spaceship as one might assume from the title, but rather a meteorite that crashed into a houseboat full of people. The effects of the meteor revive the mutilated bodies that it just crashed into, turning them into blood thirsty zombies. The zombies also seem to have that cliche' "If a zombie bites you, you become a zombie yourself" motif that George Romero originally conceived. Therefore, before long (or at least an hour into the film), there's an army of zombies and like three survivors. The remaining survivors hole up in a cabin a la Night of the Living Dead. Are there any survivors? It's always mandatory that there be at least one. Nice effort, but too damn talky and hardly no blood splatter.

The Amityville Horror

2009-04-07T09:17:00.003-05:00

This is a big one so hold onto your computer! There are so many facets to this story, it's ridiculous. Let's start with the 1979 movie starring Margot Kidder and James Brolin. George and Kathy Lutz think they have found the perfect home for their family, only to find out that a year earlier, a guy murdered his parents and four brothers and sisters in the house because demonic voices told him to do it. Pretty soon, the Lutz family start having some seriously creepy events happening in their newly acquired home. George starts getting sicker and meaner by the day. He also is obsessed with the fireplace and chopping wood, and develops an unnervingly affection for his ax. Their parish priest comes to bless the house and is told by "the voices" to "GET OUT!!!!". Following this event, the priest becomes violently ill and eventually goes blind. The Lutz family endures all sorts of phenomena in the house... money disappears, the toilets flood with black slime, the door gets ripped off it's hinges, a marching band that only George can hear, their daughter befriends a demonic pig named "Jody", Kathy breaks out in blisters after touching a cross, blood oozes from the walls, a swarm of flies at the wrong time of year, etc. Finally after 28 days, the Lutz family can't take anymore and run for their lives. Although, they did return the next day to have a garage sale. Now here's where it gets tricky. This movie is based on a book by Jay Anson, coauthored by the real George and Kathy Lutz. After buying the house, with a sky high mortgage, that George and Kathy cannot possibly afford, they along with author Jay Anson, concoct an "out of this world" story to justify leaving the house. They use the true story of what happened in the house prior to their purchasing it as the basis for the supposed hauntings. Like I said, there was a guy that actually did kill his whole family in the house, but it wasn't demonic voices driving him that night, it was greed and lots of drugs. Ronald "Butch" DeFeo Jr was an unhappy camper. He fought with his family a lot, mostly with his abusive father. The family had quite a bit of money and Butch needed some cash to fuel his drug habit. Killing his parents would unleash the inheritance, but he would have to share it with the four brothers and sisters... Marc, John, Allison, and Dawn. Ronnie didn't want to share, so he killed them too. All shot with a rifle in the dead of night (pardon the pun). Ronald DeFeo tried to make up a story about how he came home and they were already dead. It didn't work and Butch was put in prison for the rest of his life. Now, there are lots of rumors surrounding the house. It was supposedly built on an indian burial ground, it was also supposed to be the home of a man named John Ketchum who was expelled from Salem for being a witch. There was also a story about how the native americans used the area as an exposure pen for the diseased and insane to be left there to die. All of which are complete bullshit. Butch's lawyer was also in on the game of ghost storytelling, thinking that he might actually be able to convince the jury that Butch was innocent because he was under the influence of demonic possession... it didn't work, but gave rise to one of the best (albeit fake) ghost stories ever told. Kathy Lutz passed away some years ago, and on her death bed she admitted that the story was false and concocted over several bottles of wine. A remake of the 1979 film came out in 2005, using more of the DeFeo story than before. Only this time, "Jody" was the youngest of the DeFeo children. It might have made more sense than a demonic pig, but alas there was no Jody DeFeo. The youngest daughter was named Allison. Ever since the Lutz family left the house, they went on a huge tour promoting the book. Three different families have lived in the house since the now notorious ghost story of the Lutz family. All three families have said that it was a beautiful house with absolutely no supernatural phenomena. In fact, one of the families actually sued Jay Anson, author of "The Amityville Horror" and George and Kathy Lutz, stating that their fictitious story has caused them to have total loss of privacy because of thrill seekers, ghost hunters, and the downright curious. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

The Blob

2009-04-03T15:59:00.003-05:00

This is a great stereotypical 50's cult flick. The Blob also takes the credit for having introduced Steve McQueen to the world as an actor and Burt Bacharach to the world as a composer. Even though the movie is 98% crap, we have at least those two things to be thankful for. The story is quite simple. A "falling star" crashes near a small town. When investigated by an old man, a meteor is found, which cracks open, revealing an unidentifiable blob of goo. When the old man gets too close, the blob adheres to his arm and won't let go. He goes screaming into the street, where he's almost run over by a young couple in an automobile. They take him to the doctor, where the blob finishes off the old man and moves on to the doctor and his nurse. Every time the Blob consumes something (or someone) it grows bigger and bigger. It grows huge when it ambushes a bunch of teenagers in a movie theater. The young couple from earlier in the film (Steve McQueen and his unknown female costar that hasn't done much before or since. Mostly bit parts in various sitcoms. When you see her acting, you know why) is trapped inside a diner. When blasted with fire extinguishers, the Blob retreats. They figure out that the blob hates cold. Everyone is asked to bring their fire extinguishers into town so that this gooey enemy can be subdued. Once the blob is frozen, it's shipped Federal Express to the North Pole where it will never thaw out and become a problem ever again. I guess they didn't take global warming seriously back then. This would be an ironically good time for a sequel.

Faces of Death

2009-03-09T11:28:00.001-05:00

Released in 1979, "Faces of Death" was banned in over 46 countries until a video boxset containing all six volumes was released. Only parts 1 and 2 (and a "greatest moments" version containing clips from parts 1 and 2) have been released on DVD. Dr. Frances B. Gross (great name huh) takes us on a journey through the different arenas of death in all it's blood and gore. From suicides to gruesome accidents, and from eating live monkey brains to orgies and cults that dine on dead human flesh. Part one is by far the best. Although, some of the footage is faked. Mostly blended together with real footage for appearance sake. Part one probably has the highest volume of real footage out of all six volumes. Part two is a slightly cheaper version of part one. Part three is pushing the boundaries of being all fake. Part three has a new host who loves to give the camera big eyed closeups that are far more frightening than any of the fake footage piled together. Part five is a hodgepodge of clips from parts 1 and 2. Part six has absolutely no extra footage. The first 30 minutes are from part 2, and the rest are clips from parts 1 and 3. Therefore, stick to volumes 1,2, and 3. The rest is a waste of time. Well worth seeking out, especially for those cult fans who thought they had seen it all. There's even a rip off series called "Traces of Death" which steals all the "real" scenes from Faces of Death and has added some new scenes of their own, set to an instant headache inducing death/speed metal music soundtrack.

Toxic Zombies

2009-03-09T11:07:00.002-05:00

Pothead zombies, ain't that a kick in the rubber parts. A truly unique combination, don't you think? It starts of with a ripoff reproduction of the beginning of the classic "Night of the Living Dead". A long winding road with an approaching car, creepy soundtrack building in the background. Quick cut to some Feds watching a naked woman take a bath in a creek. They chase her and shoot her. Turns out she was part of a group of potheads (hardly a reason to kill someone) growing a field of dope out in some campgrounds, somewhere. Looks like backwoods Tennessee, I dunno. Anyway, The Feds decide to dump a load of some experimental chemical herbicide that hasn't been approved by anyone, onto their crop. The potheads and the idiot pilot that was conned into crop dusting with this chemical weapon, all start to get sick, puke blood and crave human flesh. Y'know, the typical symptoms of "zombieism". A few unexposed potheads, a ranger and his wife, and a family camping in the woods (complete with retarded son), all get caught up in the drama. We lose a character here, a zombie there, until the Feds finally figured out that they have really screwed things up and go out to see the damage, getting killed in the process by the few remaining zombies. That's about it really, the rest is all women screaming at the top of their lungs and moaning zombies. There's a lot of rather convincing gore, but other than that it was kinda boring. It ends with the ranger leaving office, mourning the death of his wife, who by the way was one of the worst actresses of all time, and that says a lot coming from me. It was about potheads and zombies, two things that truly fascinate me, so I thought it would be cool. And as far as cult films go, it's pretty good (translation-it sucked). It's very Troma, although I can't say for sure whether it actually is or not.

Robot Monster

2009-03-09T10:12:00.002-05:00

Wow, what a piece of doggy doo. This movie is a great example of a "so bad, it's good B-film". So bad in fact, that it makes the worst of Ed wood films look positively top drawer. Released in 1953, this movie has all the hallmarks of a 50's sci-fi drama. It's filled with Christian overtones and is riddled with scenes that are so blatantly sexist, that you can't help but laugh to yourself. Anyway, little Johnny pipsqueak gets zapped by a falling star while picnicking with his family in what looks like a barren desert wasteland (probably some small corner of California). Soon, there is a guy in a cheap gorilla costume wearing a diving helmet with antennae, named Ro-Man. Often, just called Roman. Can you feel the preach yet? Ro-Man has conquered all mankind. All of course, except the Brady Bunch which are hiding out in some adobe shanty just outside Ro-man's cave headquarters. Ro-Man often reports to a TV screen boss who constantly bitches at him for not doing his job in completely wiping out the human race. NASA, FBI, CIA, KGB, and all the rest of the world was conquered with ease, but the "Partridge Family Robinson" somehow stops him dead in his tracks. For some reason, because they're a family, Ro-Man gets all soft hearted (what happened to the rest of the world?) Amidst Ro-Mans destruction, a couple gets married, walks off into the desert on they're honeymoon, and makes out in a ditch. Ro-Man kills the husband and kidnaps the wife. Even Ro-Man hits on her. Truly, if I listed all the totally sexist remarks in this movie, I'd be at this damn keyboard for days. The goofs in this movie are the only things rivaling the sexism. Ro-Man goes to tie the girl up, can't do it, gives up, and throws the rope down. Literally two frames later, she's all trussed up with a perfect rope job, complete with square knot. A rocket is shown that already looks like a plastic toy rocket with a sparkler shoved up it's tailpipe, reveals it's special effects secret when a flash goes off and you can see a guy in black holding the rocket and making it "fly". Often we see "dinosaurs" attacking each other. Some are claymation stock footage, and others are alligators or armadillos with dinosaur looking fins and other attachments glued onto them. What this has to do with the story, is anyone's guess. Another funny bit is the intermission the film has... on a movie that's only an hour long. If you really want to laugh at a serious 50's period piece, this film's for you. true B-movie, all the way.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

2009-01-29T15:44:00.004-06:00

I have really been avoiding the addition of this movie to Cultarama, mostly because an explanation of it is just too damned tiring. Like Eraserhead, this movie can be endlessly discussed and critiqued because of the sheer amount of plot vagueness and surrealistic symbolism involved. Y'know, the whole "was it a dream/fantasy/real life distortion/etc?" Made in 1920 germany, a silent movie of course, therefore the lip reading you can do on American silent films is totally lost here because the actors are speaking in german. You have to rely on facial expression and the rare written text to make heads or tails of this incredibly dreamlike movie. Most dreamlike of all has got to be the sets, which are totally bizarre. Mostly made of paper, there are crooked houses, warped streets, and the trees look like cheap silhouettes made from construction paper. Probably one of the cheapest sets ever made, yet mesmerizing in it's puzzling appearance. This strange atmosphere dramatically enhances the feeling of being in a dream, a fantasy, a delusion, or whatever the hell this movie is supposed to be. The bare bones of the story is this: Francis is sitting on a bench telling someone his story. A glassy eyed woman drifts in front of them, Francis remarks that this is his fiancee. One look at her and you know somethin' ain't right. Francis tells the story of how he and his best friend Alan are in love with the same woman, Jane. A creepy carnival (is there any other kind?) comes to town. With this carnival is a creepy old man named Dr. Caligari, presenting as his exhibit, a somnambulist (a sleep walker) named Cesare who has been sleeping for the past 23 years. When awoken, Cesare can tell your future. Cesare, by the way, is the creepiest looking dude imaginable, with solid black eyes and a mouth that looks like a cross between Joan Crawford and Mick Jagger (blood red and HUGE!). Anyway, Alan asks Cesare "How long will I live?" Cesare informs Alan that he'll die by tomorrow morning. Naturally, Alan freaks. That night, a murder by stabbing takes place. The next morning comes and Alan's fortune comes true when he is found stabbed to death as well. We see a shadow of the murderer which looks an awful lot like Cesare. Soon, Jane is kidnapped by a man that looks like Cesare, yet Cesare's whereabouts are confirmed by police to have been sleeping in his cabinet/coffin/bed, whatever it is. This proves very puzzling until Cesare is to be inspected a little more closely by police and a dummy is found in the cabinet instead. Francis is enraged and chases Dr. Caligari who flees to an asylum. Francis asks if a patient named Caligari is a resident of the asylum. He is met with confusion and brought to the asylum Director's office. Guess who the asylum Director is... that's right, Dr. Caligari. That night while Dr. Caligari is asleep, an investigation ensues. Francis and some friends raid Caligari's office and read his diary. They learn that his main course of study is somnambulism. They also find a book containing information about a mystic named Dr. Caligari, who in 1703 toured with a carnival, exhibiting a somnambulist who he had enslaved into doing his bidding and committing crimes that kept many towns in a panic for months on end. Having the sleep walker committing Caligari's crimes proved beneficial in relieving Caligari from being caught as the actual killer. The present day Dr. Caligari (his real name is never given) begins to obsess over his idol, the Dr. Caligari from 1703 that could make a sleep walker do all his bidding. His diary reveals his desire to become Caligari and his elation that a somnambulist has finally been committed to the asylum in which he is the Director of. This means that he can finally study and unravel the secrets of how the Dr. Caligari from 1703 succeeded in making somnambulists do his will. The present day doctor's plans are finally discovered, he is put in a straight jacket and hauled off to his crooked paper cell. In the next scene, we see what seems to be the inside of the asylum. Francis is there telling another inmate not to talk to Cesare or you'll end up dead. He then asks a comatose Jane to marry him. She responds with a nonsensical answer that an asylum inmate would definitely come up with. When the doctor approaches, Francis exclaims "I'm not crazy, he IS Caligari!" The doctor then mumbles something to himself about how he now knows what the cause of his mania is and how to cure him. OK, so we're left asking ourselves... Was Francis also an inmate at the asylum? Did he simply fabricate a story using other inmates as the characters? Was the present asylum Director really obsessed with an old mystic named Caligari? Was Francis just displaying his own insanity by accusing the Director of being the real Dr. Caligari? Who exactly was the insane one? My guess is that it's a little of all of those possibilities. Whether it makes sense to you or not, it's still a cinematic masterpiece. Made in 1920, it's often regarded as the first horror movie. It didn't really scare me, but for the time, a twist ending like that was not at all common. The sets definitely give you that surrealistic dreamland sort of feeling, and are at sometimes almost dizzying. Common sense tells you that this was a black and white film, but on the DVD release, almost every scene is tinted by a wide range of colors. Tense scenes were tinted brown, tender scenes in pink or purple, and asylum scenes in various shades of blue. Overall, it's one of the most artistic and beautifully conceived movie I've ever seen. A little confusing, but what a boring world it would be if every movie was plain and bluntly predictable. Being quite the opposite, this movie can be watched and discussed over and over again... and maybe with the right drugs, it could actually make sense. A side note for Rob Zombie fans, Zombie used this film as his inspiration for the video of his hit song "Living Dead Girl". He plays Caligari and his wife Kitty plays a combination character of Jane and Cesare.

The Entity

2009-01-25T16:37:00.002-06:00

This is one of the more mainstream (translation for mainstream-they had a little bit of money to spend on production and had a rising newcomer, Barbara Hershey) cult films out there. A little more well known due to the DVD release. I have to admit, this movie used to scare the piss out of me. Probably because I knew that it had been partially based on a true event. I've been a believer in ghosts, poltergeists, and other such phenomenon all my life and I knew the basics of this particular case, before seeing the film. Barbara Hershey made us all believe that she really was going through one hell of an incident that proved to us that a living person can be haunted just as easily as old houses can. The first half of the movie is very close to the truth and the second half of the film is completely fiction. We'll of course start with the first half including occasional inserts of what really happened. Carla Moran (real name was never released to the public) has a hectic life. She's a single mother struggling to keep a job, go to night school, deal with three children and a boyfriend who is almost never in town due to his job. One day she is raped. When the rape was over, there was no one there to call the police on. The attacker simply disappeared. people assume that she dreamt it, but Carla knows it really happened. Another attack ensues while Carla is trying to take a bath. Again she is brutally raped, this time the invisible attacker seems to have two smaller, yet very strong helpers. Carla seeks the help of a doctor, clearly displaying bruises and bite marks in places that Carla could not have possibly bitten herself. Like usual, the doctors aren't much help and are determined to convince Carla that the attacks are a result of Carla's checkered past. Frustrated with being told that she's just crazy, she abandons her doctor in favor of parapsychology. When other people start to witness the phenomenon and even capture photographic proof of it, things finally start to look up for Carla. Finally someone believes her and are trained (as best as someone could be, I guess) to help her. OK, end of the first half. All of the above is true, even the photographic proof, most photography experts say are one of the most authentic photos of this type, witnessed and photographed by many people. Unfortunately, the real Carla Moran's story ends here. After the "big showdown" that was photographed by several people, the well ran dry. The photographers helped people believe her, but it didn't stop the attacks. Carla moved her family from state to state, but was never able to escape her ruthless entity. It followed her and the attacks continued. After some ten years, Carla Moran was no longer able to be found. Efforts to locate her continue unsuccessfully. OK, now part two of "the movie part" of the story, which in my opinion is kinda stupid, but what the hell, it's Hollywood ('nuff said). The parapsychology team that investigated and witnessed the entity at Carla's house have decided to try to capture this being, using Carla as bait, since it seems to follow her outside of her home. They build a rough draft of Carla's real home, consisting of a chemical toilet, hot plate, and some furniture to make her feel more at home. They also have added a special little ghost catching device, that shoots liquid nitrogen, which we all know, freezes virtually anything on contact. Their theory is to catch a ghost in a block of ice. Poor Carla not only is bait for the entity, but has only a glass "safe room" to keep the liquid nitrogen from killing her instantly. The annoying doctor that says he cares so much for Carla interferes endlessly at this point, trying to convince her of the dangers of liquid nitrogen. She simply states that she would rather die that go on living the way she's been living. And with that he's thrown out for good. The entity finally shows up and takes control of the nitrogen machine and destroys just about everything. The huge tanks of liquid nitrogen that are stored above are ruptured and encases the entire place in ice. Carla survives because she's in the safe room. The ice glows green, shakes for a moment and the entity bursts loose. The end. There's a brief epilogue about how the attacks on Carla and her family, though decreased in frequency and violence, continue to this day.

Trick or Treat

2009-01-25T13:20:00.002-06:00

This is a great 80's period piece. I saw this as a teenager and I loved it, mostly because it's a "revenge against your high school tormentors" type of movie. Sort of a "Carrie" for guys. Something I and probably thousands of other people can relate to back in those awkward (and sometimes traumatic and insanity inducing) teenage years. The story centers around Eddie Weinbaur... metal head, mullet sporter, torn denim wearer, dressed in a never ending selection of Metallica t-shirts. Needless to say, he's an obvious target for these overly preppy guys at his school. It always amazed me how preps wearing pink (and a various assortment of other pastels), playing polo, using gobs of hair gel to enhance their fake highlights, and throwing pool parties could possibly have the nerve to call us "fags". Did they not have mirrors or something? Anyway, Eddie is actually a pretty cool guy, loves all the best metal bands... Judas Priest, Megadeth, Anthrax, etc. But his favorite is (the fictional) Sammi Curr. Eddie absolutely loves Sammi Curr and writes him tons of fan letters under the pseudonym "Ragman". Mostly bitching about his lousy high school existence. One day, the unthinkable happens. Sammi Curr dies in a mysterious hotel fire. Eddie is crushed. He seeks empathy from his radio DJ friend (appropriately played by Gene Simmons of the band "Kiss"). His friend presents Eddie with a one of a kind gift. Sammi's new album that was scheduled to be released, but delayed because of his untimely death, was to be played at midnight on Halloween, and the DJ has the only master copy. He presents Eddie with the master album, because he's made a tape recording of the album of which he plans to play at midnight. Thrilled shitless, Eddie takes the album home, presses play and listens to the album over and over till he falls asleep. Eddie wakes up to the sound of the record skipping. The short bits of music between the skips sound like language in reverse. Eddie begins to play the album backwards and hears the voice of Sammi Curr leaving vague messages that seem directed at Ragman (Eddie). Eddie plays the rest of the album backwards and discovers instructions for a revenge plan to get back at his preppy bullies. He executes the plan as directed and it works perfectly. Eddie begins an ongoing conversation with Sammi Curr through the album. Eddie asks in forward mode and Sammi replies in reverse. Soon, Eddie is all powerful... that is until he realizes that he's just a tool for Sammi to be "reborn" as such. Using electricity as his general vehicle, Sammi Curr terrorizes the Halloween dance at Eddie's school, killing more than just the preps. And has plans to reach an even bigger killing ground (I mean audience) by his new album being played at midnight. It's up to Eddie and some hussy he picks up along the way to stop the playing of the album. They succeed in shutting off the power, by smashing a transformer or something. A pretty predictable ending, but still a good film. Don't miss Ozzy Osbourne's cameo as a Christian televangelist, bitching about the sexually suggestive lyrics of heavy metal music. Nice touch.

Sex Madness

2008-12-17T15:54:00.003-06:00

This is another one of those over the top, ill informed, propaganda films released in the late 1930's that attempted to inform citizens and save lives, mostly about the dreaded Marijuana!! Reefer Madness being the most popular and well known of these films was one of at least three different (or somewhat different... same actors, same sets, same music, same topics, etc) films on the topic of the evils of pot smoking. Ironically, if it weren't for potheads, these films would have died out seconds after their release. Reefer Madness has been restored, colorized, and even remade as a musical. The same care should be taken with Reefer Madness's fellow films, as they are just as bad if not worse. This particular film is called Sex Madness and deals with the very real dangers of syphilis. Though not as "out there" as Reefer Madness, which obviously tries to explain something that it in actuality knows nothing about, Sex Madness is somewhat more informed. Only in the bare sense though really. We know it is transmitted sexually, affects vision, and is damn hard to get rid of (at least in the 30's). Like the others, this movie has a really lame plot and some of the worst acting imaginable. It isn't quite as chopped up as Cocaine Fiends, the editing here is slightly better, but not by much. Made in 1938, Sex Madness was pretty racy, for not only did it deal with syphilis, but it also had a lesbian subplot that didn't have anything to do with transmitting venereal diseases. A secretary hits on her coworker and convinces her to go see some showgirls together. While at the theater, the secretary actually pulls the old "yawn, stretch my arms and end up with my arm around her shoulder" routine. It works, but the story isn't continued. What this had to do with syphilis is anyone's guess. The real hunk of the story revolves around two showgirls named Millicent and Sheila. Sheila already has syphilis and Millicent contracts syphilis at a beach party when she gets drunk and boinks a guy in a Zorro costume. Apparently, it was illegal in 1938 (could be illegal today, I dunno) to marry someone if you know you have syphilis. You could only wed once you got the clean bill of health from a doctor, which back then could take years. Millicent is treated by a quack doctor that promises her she will be syphilis free in a mere 30 days. She falls for it and gets married the second the doctor says she's cured. She then proceeds to have a child. Soon, the husband is having vision problems and the baby is displaying weird symptoms. They all go to a doctor where all three are diagnosed as syphilitic. Millicent breaks down and admits it's her fault. Feeling lower than the rent on a burning building, Millicent nurses her ailing husband who is sick in bed. She has laced two drinks with poison and plans to end both their suffering, when she gets a call from Sheila. Sheila says that she has gone to a "real" doctor and got the news that she will be syphilis free in a year. She's elated at this news (a whole year? I personally wouldn't feel that much better) and says that she also plans to get married and have children. Millicent laughs hysterically and hangs up the phone. While embracing her deathly ill husband, she exclaims "If there's hope for Sheila, then there's hope for us!!!". Good ol' syphilitic showgirl Sheila shall lead the way! The end. This is probably one of, if not the cheapest movies ever made. There's a hilarious goof in it that completely boggles my mind. During a speech from Millicent to her landlady, a window set slams shut and makes the actress playing Millicent totally mess up her lines... and they left it in! I think even Ed Wood would have trashed that botched of a scene. It's topic is a bit more dismal that it's companion films, but it's still filled with all the hilarity of a cheap pile of vintage propaganda crap.

The Cocaine Fiends

2008-12-10T18:44:00.003-06:00

The Cocaine Fiends AKA The Pace That Kills is a little less propaganda-ish than it's companion films like Reefer Madness and The Marijuana Menace. Nonetheless, it still has those same preachy written opening credits. Although I did find it particularly funny when at the bottom, it was signed "The Management". This is a terribly boring film that drags even at a mere length of 68 minutes. And I have to say that following this film's plot was rather hard. It was 1935 and all unknown actresses looked alike because they were trying to emulate the looks of big Hollywood stars at the time. There's a character here that is an obvious fan of Jean Harlow's and a few Joan Crawfords as well. Anyway, most of the story revolves around Nick and Jane. Nick gets Jane hooked on cocaine by telling her it's "headache powder". Only after becoming a full blown addict does she learn that it's dope. By now, the drugs drive her every action. Like all the other anti-drug propaganda movies released in the late 1930's, this film completely mischaracterizes the actions of certain drugs. The anti-marijuana movies try to convince you that smoking pot will cause irreversible insanity and violent behavior, while the anti-cocaine movies make coke seem like a date rape downer, rendering someone 100% agreeable. Under this cocaine-induced completely agreeable attitude, Jane allows Nick to talk her into marrying him and moving to the city. Two things she would never normally do, but it's the only way to get her fix. They get a crappy apartment in a New York slum that is too gross even for the rats and roaches. Nick really enjoys the control that he has over Jane since he supplies her precious dope. He sadistically taunts her with it unmercifully. Now that he's in the big city, Nick has now become a major dealer. One who even waits outside schools to sell his dope to children, sorta like a narcotics ice cream man. Nick and Jane get evicted from the apartment. Jane turns to prostitution to support both their habits. I love the name of the place she solicits customers... "The Dead Rat Cafe"! Nick figures he can do better and dumps Jane. Jane is now a full time whore just to survive. Eventually, Jane overdoses and dies in the street. There's a tiny subplot about one employee giving another employee some "headache powder" at their place of work and both get fired from their jobs. Where, oh where will they get the money for their precious "headache powder"? There's also the Jean Harlow wannabe that gives money to drug addicts here and there as some sort of glamourous charity worker. There are only two more things worth mentioning about this pathetic film. No coke is ever shown and no one is ever seen actually snorting it. I'm not sure if that's because they weren't allowed to show that yet in a movie or if they just didn't want to give anybody any ideas. The other thing worth mentioning is a scene that has kept me laughing every time I think about it. There's a scene that doesn't have much to do with the film where some singers are performing at a night club. The funny part is the night clubs decor. It's nothing but upside down falling cats. I kid you not. There are falling cats all over the wallpaper, upside down cats on the mirror behind the bar and even more falling cats on the stage set. I guess when you only have the finances for a cheap film like this, a good designer is really hard to find.

Assassin of Youth

2008-12-09T15:58:00.004-06:00

This movie is one of a group of about five or six drug related propaganda films released between 1932 and 1938. The most commonly known of this group is the classic "Reefer Madness", which has been restored, colorized, and re-released on it's own special edition DVD. Few people know about the other companion films, such as "Cocaine Fiends", "The Marijuana Menace AKA Assassin of Youth", "Sex Madness" and "Marihuana". In fact, most of these films have many of the same actors. This particular group of movies are hard to find, but if you really wanna know where to find these long lost classics, please feel free to contact me, the one and only Cultfiend, right here on Cultarama. We'll get to all of them, but today we are gonna discuss Assassin of Youth AKA The Marijuana Menace. Much like Reefer Madness, this cheap ass film was made with honest intentions about warning kids about "the dreaded devil weed call Marijuana!". Also like Reefer Madness, it's "true facts" of marijuana consumption are completely absent and are replaced with an unbelievable scenario including total insanity and extremely violent behavior. Anyone who has ever smoked pot or knows someone who smokes pot can agree that it doesn't cause violent behavior... Well, I guess with the exception of being mugged and robbed of your Visine and cookie dough. Anyway, like Reefer Madness, this movie begins with a written message against that terrible scourge that is annihilating Americas youth... the dreaded Marijuana!!! A young girl named Joan Barry stands to inherit the family fortune, much to the dismay of her cousin Linda and younger sister Marjorie. This inheritance has an unfortunate clause in it. Joan must prove herself to be a proper respectable person in order to receive her inheritance. Linda is a reefer dealer and supplies almost everyone in town. Marjorie is a regular customer of Linda's. Linda and her accomplice Jack decide that they are gonna make Joan look like shit so that the inheritance will go to Linda instead of Joan. Their plan begins at an innocent beach party where everyone but Joan is getting stoned and going swimming. Linda pushes Joan into the water and tries to dry her clothes over a fire and burns them, leaving poor Joan with no clothes. This doesn't settle well when she arrives home in just an overcoat. Rumors begin to fly and all sorts of stories are spread all over town. My favorite was that she got naked and danced to hula!" It was 1937, today that would be the same as if she screwed the entire attendance of the party in front of small children. A funny side note is that whenever you see any of these people driving, it's beyond crazy. The worst of drunks would be considered outstanding drivers in comparison. A new bartender named Art shows up in town and becomes employed at an after school hangout. He's also a reporter, doing research on dope dealing and the insanity that follows. It's soon made obvious that Linda and Jack are conspiring to make Joan look as scandalous as possible so that Linda can have the inheritance. When getting her to smoke some reefer fails, they drug her drink. She passes out in the bedroom and some weirdo from the party crawls in bed with her. Nothing happened, but the incident has made Joan look like an absolute whore. Talk is all over town about how despicable Joan is and how inheriting money would be like giving money to a total delinquent. Meanwhile, Joan's younger sister Marjorie has become a total dope fiend and has to be treated by a doctor who gives a diagnosis of insanity by self intoxication. It's so funny, she's just coming down off being stoned and they make her look like she's dying of Bubonic Plague! The doctor actually requests putting her in a mental hospital. Linda tries again once again to drug Joan. Once drugged, Joan acts totally spaced. Acid head aren't this spacey. Jack decides to take advantage of Joan in her drunken state and takes her to the nearest motel. Linda sees this and follows with a less than happy look on her face. From the motel lounge, Linda calls the police and pretends to be Joan's mother and requests that they come and pick up her daughter at the motel. Jack and Joan are henceforth arrested on a morals charge (!!!). Linda bails Jack out of jail and leaves Joan there. Now it's all over town that Joan Barry is in jail, this pretty much finishes off the goody two shoes image that she had before all this inheritance crap. At her trial, Joan is painted as a dirty floozie that has the morals of an alley cat. And even though her mother stands up for her daughter in the most heartfelt way, the court still thinks she's disgraceful and is about to award the inheritance to Linda. Soon, the bartender/reporter bursts into the courtroom with today's newspaper (featuring his article on reefer delinquents) declaring that Joan was only helping him in uncovering this scourge of the menacing marijuana. He also exposes Linda as a dope dealer, she is there forth taken away in handcuffs. The next scene is of a very rich Joan sharing an ice cream with Art (reporter/bartender). An announcement of their engagement can be heard outside by the old town gossip queen who has been loving making Joan look like a whore, but is now joyfully on her side now that she's rich.

Frightmare

2008-12-09T12:22:00.003-06:00

This little gem of a movie is actually quite thought provoking for a cheap piece of crap made circa 1974. It starts out in London, 1957, a man is found with half his head missing. Edmund and his wife Dorothy are arrested, convicted and sentenced to 25 years in a mental hospital for the crime. Edmund and Dorothy have two daughters, Jackie and Debbie. Jackie is the older sister and remembers her parents and what they did. Debbie on the other hand was too young to remember them and grew up with foster parents. Jackie and Debbie now live together as adults, yet have quite a tumultuous relationship. It's been 25 years and Edmund and Dorothy are released. Debbie is not yet aware of her parent's true history, but Jackie visits them at night, bringing them supplies and suspicious bloody packages. Edmund seems rather normal, but Dorothy still obviously has some issues. Dorothy gives Tarot readings on the side, even though Edmund highly disapproves of it. I dunno, maybe it's because Dorothy has a nasty habit of sometimes killing her clients with a power drill. If someone doesn't quite like what Dorothy's Tarot cards say, Dorothy shuts 'em up with a hot fireplace poker to the gut... sssssssss. By now they have a few corpses piling up, and coincidentally they happen to be a little hungry. What better way to cover a crime and have a feast to celebrate the fact... eat the evidence. Through cannibalism they devour all the people Dorothy has flipped out on and killed. Edmund confesses that Dorothy was the killer 25 years ago (duh) and that he pleaded insanity just so that they could stay together (now that's love). Debbie eventually learns of her parents and confronts them. Debbie has her boyfriend with her, which Dorothy soon kills while Debbie watches. They hide the body in the hay baler with... the others. Obviously, Debbie gets her bitchy, homicidal attitude from her mother. They kill together and bond as mother and daughter (can you feel the love?). Jackie eventually notices that her mother is killing again and realizes that her suspicious bloody packages are not working. You see, Jackie has been pretending to be killing people in order to satisfy her mother's craving for murder. The mysterious bloody packages are supposed to be guts from the murder victim, proving that a murder did actually take place... and to give mom a little something to snack on. But the guts are actually butcher's leftovers that she has been getting from the local supermarket (what a weirdo they must think she is). Jackie's bizarre form of therapy has obviously been a total failure, therefore she contacts a real doctor to come and evaluate Dorothy. He disguises himself as a person wanting a Tarot card reading. Dorothy can see through the cards that he is not who he seems to be and realizes that he's a doctor that's come to take her back to the mental hospital. She kills him of course. It's funny, rather than be shocked that her mom just killed someone, she's more upset with the fact that Dorothy has bonded with Debbie. Edmund confesses that he's tired of covering up Dorothy's crimes. The job is then turned over to Debbie, who is more than willing to take over in her dad's place. With Edmund out of the way, Dorothy decides that she prefers Debbie as her daughter much more than Jackie. The corner Jackie and kill her. The end. Not terribly original, I must admit. But this film has an air of comedy to it that is just barely out of reach. There are many situations in this movie where you're really not sure whether to laugh or gasp. I'm not even sure if the film makers intended there to be comedy involved. Nonetheless, it's a good effort and well worth 90 minutes of your life.

The Return of the Living Dead

2008-11-15T16:16:00.005-06:00

This is a great zombie movie that came forth from the 80's with dazzling intensity. This film has absolutely no affiliation with George Romero or his legacy of zombie films (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, and Land of the Dead). To keep from stepping on Romero's toes, the idea and the execution of such were radically changed and some view this new interpretation to be much more sinister and scary. To name just a few of the changes: unlike Romero's films, which explained that the brain of the ghoul must be destroyed in order to kill it. In Return of the Living Dead there is no way to kill the zombies, only by reducing the body to ashes proves successful in killing it. In other words, if you chop up a ghoul into several pieces, the pieces will still come after you. Also, Romero's zombies were very slow and unsteady, in contrast to Return's zombies which can run like hell and are strong. The story starts with two employs named Frank and Freddie who work at a medical supply warehouse. Freddie (the trainee) asks Frank what the weirdest thing he ever saw was at the medical warehouse. Frank explains that in the 60's, several canisters that were intended for a military destination were accidentally sent to the warehouse by mistake and are now residing in the warehouse basement. As Frank explains, the army was developing a chemical substance called Trioxin to spray on marijuana fields or something and the substance accidentally leaked down into the morgue and made the corpses move around as though they were alive. The army put the corpses in airtight canisters and accidentally sent them to the wrong place. Why the army wasn't notified is anyones guess, and therefore the canisters have remained at the warehouse ever since. Frank and Freddie go down to the basement to check them out. After bumping into a canister, it cracks and spews chemical gas right into their faces, knocking them unconscious. While unconscious, the gas slips into the ventilation system and brings many biological samples to life, including everything from butterfly displays to a ballistics cadaver. They call Burt, the owner of the warehouse. After some serious bitching, he decides that they must destroy all the evidence around the warehouse and keep their traps shut. Burt's friend Ernie (they were named Burt and Ernie on purpose) runs the crematorium across the street. They convince Ernie to let them use his crematorium to get rid of the evidence. He reluctantly agrees. When the smoke from the burning bodies rise up from the chimney, it carries the chemical with it, mixes with a bad storm coming and produces acid rain that drenches the local cemetery making hundreds of corpses come alive and slither forth from their graves with only one thing on their decaying minds... live brains. A group of Freddie's friends that are waiting for him to get off work are hanging out in the cemetery to pass the time and are therefore at ground zero when the shit hits the fan. They freak and try to find Freddie at the warehouse, but have no luck since he's at the crematorium. Instead they come face to face with the slimy corpse that has obviously recently emerged from the canister that Frank accidentally cracked. Eventually, most of them end up boarding themselves into the embalming room where Frank and Freddie are getting really sick, as well as a very stressed Burt and Ernie. Swarms of zombies are outside and every attempt by the police and EMT's fail while trying to figure out what's going on, much less help those trapped inside the funeral home. After realizing that Frank and Freddie are not breathing and have no pulse, yet are still very much alive and conscious, it's assumed that they are slowly becoming one of the zombies that are now roaming outside in search of some tasty fresh brains, and are therefore locked in the chapel for safekeeping. Wanting desperately to figure out what the hell is going on, they capture a zombie (well, the upper half of a zombie) and are surprised to find out that they can hear and speak. When asked why they ate brains, the zombie explains that it hurts to be dead, they can feel themselves rotting and live brains are the only thing that relieves the pain. After several unsuccessful attempts to escape and the police blockades being overrun, the remaining few survivors see a number stenciled on the side of the canister that housed Mr. Green and Slimy. They call the number, it turns out to be the military who explain that they have been waiting for this call for some time and have a plan devised to deal with it. Unfortunately, the plan is to nuke the entire area (in this case, the entire city of Louisville, Kentucky) thus leaving no margin for the survival of anything. Just before the nuke, we see Frank, who is a zombie but has not yet been overcome with a taste for human brain consumption. He commits suicide by throwing himself into the crematorium. This again releases the Trioxin into the atmosphere, turning to acid rain and starting the cycle all over again. Really great zombie flick with just the right amount of shock, gore and even some rather unexpected comical scenes. A must see for any zombie fan.

Children of the Corn

2008-11-05T19:17:00.001-06:00

"Children of the Corn" was originally a short story in Stephen King's book Night Shift. Many movies have been based on King's novels and short stories, likewise many of the movies suck. This one I hold as an exception. It's actually very well made. It has a great idea, good plot, decent acting and a really creepy religious atmosphere that Stephen King has often employed amongst his many works, both books and film. Plus, the idea of killer children always fascinates me. Anyway, the story starts off with a hell of a massacre in a little coffee shop in the rinky dink town of Gatlin, Nebraska. As a creepy child preacher watches through the window as all of the children suddenly employ everything from knives to poison in killing everyone in the place. A young boy named Jobe witnesses the massacre, yet is left alive. This happened everywhere in Gatlin that day. All the adults have been slaughtered by their children under the commandment of the boy preacher named Issac. Isaac has been given what he believes to be direct orders from God himself, by name referred to here as "He Who Walks Behind the Rows". A sentence from the Bible that reads "And a child shall lead them" is one of the supports for the convincing of children that adults should not live. These children often gather in the cornfield and with pitch forks and scythes (chanting "Kill Kill Kill") they listen to Isaac's preaching and obey every word he says. On the day of the slaughter, Jobe's sister Sarah suddenly has a talent for precognition (she sees the future). She often draws pictures that are scenes that are soon to happen. Three years later, Burt and Vicky, a couple traveling through Nebraska get lost amongst it's bland back roads that are nothing but road and corn fields as far as the eye can see. Suddenly a child stumbles into the middle of the road, and because Vicky and Burt are looking at a map trying to figure out where they are, they don't see him. They hit him head on and his bloody mangled corpse is truly a sight to behold. Burt is a doctor and while examining the boy's body, he notices that his throat has been deliberately slit and was probably already dead when he stumbled out onto the road. They put his body in the trunk and go in search of help. By the way, the boy (Joseph) was murdered by Malachai, who is sort of the enforcer among the child cult, answering directly to Isaac. Because Joseph tried to flee and get help. Isaac preaches "Joseph fled this happy place because the worship of me is no more upon him, so take you his life and spill his blood, but let not the flesh pollute the corn. Cast him instead upon the road. And so it was done, Joseph the betrayer was cast out". While trying desperately to find a town, so that they can report Joseph's murder, Burt and Vicky get lost and end up in the barren town of Gatlin. Quickly they realize that it's a ghost town with the exception of a few mysterious children running around. Because Sarah has the "gift of sight" she is coveted and protected by Isaac, even though she and her brother Jobe are often caught playing which is evidently a big no-no among satanic child cults. "God" has given Isaac the vision that outlanders are to come soon and that these outlanders will be unbelievers and profaners of the holy and must be sacrificed as an offering to please He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Isaac's vision is confirmed by Sarah's drawing of a car upon the road. Burt and Vicky start realizing that this town is definitely strange, but do not yet know how much danger they're in. Burt goes to the town hall to look around. He notices biblical graffiti everywhere as well as some disturbingly vandalized religious pictures. While Burt is checking out the town hall, Vicky is accosted by the children, dragged to the corn field and is tied to a cross in a crucified position. Since no adults are to be allowed to live, they must offer themselves to "The Lord" on the first day of their 19th year. When a child named Amos has to "leave", Isaac is told that this is the opportune time to offer the blood of the unbelievers. Malachai eventually gets sick of worshipping Isaac and decides that he can deal with the god of hell all on his own. The children remove Vicky from the cross and put Isaac in her place. Using Vicky as bait, they lure Burt into the corn field. He and Vicky break free as He Who Walks Behind the Rows comes forth as a thundering red cloud to take Amos. Isaac is taken instead, comes back possessed and kills Malachai. Burt, Vicky, Sarah and Jobe (who have all sorta bonded by this time because Sarah and Jobe hate having to worship a prick like Isaac) hide in a nearby barn. The rest of the children follow. I guess after seeing so much death and how Isaac was so easily betrayed, they figure that this whole murderous cult thing is for the birds. The wind rises and billows of flaming clouds fill the sky, "The Lord" is evidently coming forth to take everyone because he's pissed that the sacrifice of the outlanders didn't occur and that the children have seen the truth in that they were deceived by a false god feeding his appetite on the blood of sacrifice. Before his slaughter, a policeman tried to defeat the monster but was killed before he could execute his plan. Jobe tells of a passage from the Bible that the policeman was reading shortly before his murder... "And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone and shall be tormented there day and night forever and ever". Jobe also tells that the officer was working with the gasohol still when killed. Burt makes the connection between the Bible passage and the gasohol... fire. Mr. Officer was gonna burn the field. Burt then painstakingly hooks the gasohol to the corn field sprinkler system which drenches the field in a highly flammable substance. A bottle with a burning rag is thrown into the field and quickly burns it down. Eventually the fire makes it to where the demon is and a dazzling performance of his demise, done with rather cheap yet effective digital effects is employed. Burt, Vicky, Sarah and Jobe, make it back to their car which has been vandalized with corn, much like everything else in this creepy little town. Mangled, exhausted and down right pooped, they have no choice to try and walk to the nearest town, one that's not so dramatic. Since Jobe (who was at the coffee shop during the sermon that foretold that every adult was to killed) and Sarah (who was home in bed with a fever drawing precognitive images) also didn't witness the occasion when He Who Walks Behind the Rows made himself known and therefore have no violent tendencies. We never learn what happened to all the other children, but Sarah and Jobe are somewhat adopted by Burt and Vicky. The End. I've had to leave many interesting topics and situations out, which are very intricate to the film's many facets and subplots, but I can only divulge so much information, making it possible to keep some surprises when/ if you ever get to view this masterpiece. I must mention though that a few things did differ from the short story and the film adaptation. The short story follows the basic structure of the movie for most of the beginning, but doesn't have such a happy ending. In the short story, Vicky is crucified and has her eyes cut out and Burt is sliced to ribbons by the children shortly after he figures out what has happened with the boy preacher and the blood sacrifices, he is soon caught and both Burt and Vicky are presented as offerings to the God of Hell. The children then continue to inhabit the corn field awaiting the next set of outlanders that will be offered to the devil by bloody sacrifice. The atmosphere of this film is so ominous that you really feel the emotions of the characters and the dread that they feel as the coming of devil is at hand.

Street Trash

2008-11-03T17:42:00.003-06:00

This gory little 80's flick has finally gained some notoriety as a cult classic, primarily due to a recent DVD release making it much more accessible. It's a simple story really, mostly made to show off some new, impressive, and downright gruesome special effects. The basic story is this: A liquor store owner finds a case of some kind of weird booze called Viper that seems to have been hidden in the wall of the basement some 60 years ago. He plops the case of Viper on the shelf and sells it for a dollar a bottle, thus attracting every homeless bum and wino in the the neighborhood. The story loosely follows the life of Fred, a dirty, nasty, stinky bum who other than possessing those qualities is actually a decent guy. Fred lives in a junkyard with his kid brother. The junkyard is ruled by some homeless freak named Bronson, who thinks he's some kind of garbage overlord who holds power over all the other bums in the junkyard. In reality, he's a brutish, sociopathic, schizophrenic, lunatic that thinks he's still in Vietnam. Anyway, Fred buys a bottle of Viper and before he can drink it, it gets stolen by another bum. The other bum drinks the Viper and melts into a psychedelic pile of goo. It's pretty gory, yet has an air of silliness to it because it isn't just blood and guts. It's bright blue, green, purple... an acid heads dream come true. Throughout the movie, poor Fred keeps trying to get a bottle of Viper for himself without it getting stolen. Fortunately for him, he notices that all the people who have drank the Viper turn into slimy rainbow colored puddles. He hatches a plan to kill Bronson the evil junkyard overlord by offering him a bottle of Viper as an offering. Bronson's bitch grabs it from him and takes a sip and soon her boobs are melting all over the place. Bronson obviously sees the plot against him and goes after Fred. Fred throws a bottle of Viper at Bronson like some kind of molotov cocktail and melts half his face. Still undaunted, Bronson pursues, only to be severely decapitated by Fred's younger brother who uses an oxygen tank as a torpedo-like projectile. There are numerous subplots going on as well that are useless to the main story and also have no relevance or even any interaction between themselves. Among them are a mafia restaurant, a game of "keep away" with a severed penis, the hard up junkyard manager fucks a body that washes ashore, and a cop who gets absolutely nowhere. It ain't the best effort I've ever seen and Lord knows the story is dull, dull, dull. But it's worth watching at least once for the special effects which are a delightful combination of gore and comedy. A funny side note to this movie is that it actually tried to achieve some product endorsements and the only company that would have anything to do with this production was a little franchise called Drake's Cakes. Because of it's endorsements and affiliations with the film, Drake's Cakes would send complimentary snacks to the cast and crew every week. After three months, everyone was really burned out on eating nothing but cakes so they decided to save some money and use the cakes in some of the special effects. In one scene, a man grows large and explodes after drinking the Viper and all of his innards are nothing but cakes and red food coloring.

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

2008-11-01T13:30:00.005-05:00

This cheesy 70's throwaway isn't really that great of a movie (and that means a lot coming from a cult classic fan like me, who thrives on crap), but still manages to hold up over time. Mostly because of the minor details, such as the title which makes the movie sound as though it could potentially be scary... Vampires and Satanism. It has veteran horror actors such as Peter Cushing as Van Helsing, the heir to the family that destroyed Dracula on what seems like numerous times, depending on how many sequels you've seen. Christopher Lee reprises one of his more famous roles as the very non threatening version of Dracula. We also get to see Joanna Lumley as Jessica Van Helsing, the great great granddaughter, in one of her first movie roles (The world mostly knows Joanna Lumley as Patsy Stone on the super successful British comedy "Absolutely Fabulous") Instead of a big spooky castle, this film mostly takes place in a house with an office setting. Desks, phones, chairs, secretaries... like it's CIA headquarters or something. The "office house" is suspected to be a secret center for espionage, but instead there is something a bit more sinister at work. Satanic rituals are taking place in the basement. Evidently a satanic date of world destruction is only a few days away and there's work to be done in order to carry out the prophecies of Satan. Among the guests at the ritual are many well known, well respected individuals, a nobel prize winning doctor, a senator, etc. As a strange Chinese woman presides over the ritual, sacrificing chickens and the occasional small breasted virgin. Van Helsing pays a visit to his old friend Dr. Kelley (the Satanic doctor) and soon learns that he's been up to no good. He's perfected a devastatingly strong form of bubonic plague (obviously eluding to the source of the world destruction to come according to Satan's prophecies and is to be carried out by his stupid followers). During the visit, Van Helsing is non-fatally shot and the doctor has been killed, hung by his neck from the ceiling rafters. Also, the petri dishes of disease the doctor was working on have ben stolen. There are four regular attendees at this satanic ritual and are regarded by Dracula as the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Apparently Dracula is still pissed off about what the van Helsing family has done to him over the years, so he decides that not only will he kill Van Helsing but he's gonna take the whole damn world along with him. Dracula also see the destruction of the human race to be his own grand suicide to finally escape the wrath of the van Helsing family (and living a rather laborious existence)... you kill the world, who've you got left to feed on? Taking the human race down with him gives him that last piece of vengeance, delightful revenge and a last act of power over all that is evil. The ending is rather simple and boring. Since it was obviously one of Dracula's henchmen (a motorcycling crew of guys in fur vests) that stole the virus, Dracula now holds the power and chooses his four favorite followers to be the spreaders of the plague. Jessica Van Helsing is chosen to be his consort (why he would need one with the end of the world only days away is anyone's guess). She escapes and makes it to the basement where a minion of female vamps accost her. She kills them by turning on the sprinklers, thus melting them (I thought that only happened to wicked witches). Another odd side note is that Van Helsing is creating a silver bullet to kill Dracula this time (I thought that was werewolves). Obviously he got his horror characters confused, therefore Van Helsing's silver bullet doesn't do shit to Dracula. Instead he burns the house down, effectively killing off the petri dishes of disease and all of Dracula's disciples. While chasing Van Helsing through the woods, Dracula gets tangled in a thorn bush. This scene is totally hilarious, you'd think that someone who's lived as long as Dracula would be able to avoid such a dumb mistake. While hopelessly caught in the bramble's grasp, Van Helsing uses this opportunity to grab a stake from a nearby wooden fence and stab Dracula in the heart... again. I'll be honest, the plot idea had potential but the execution of it really sucks. This is about the blandest, boring, most predicable piece of shit. Proving, if anything, that even when you have well established actors in the type of roles that they are very familiar with, it still won't earn any Oscars, or even a good movie make.

Carrie

2008-10-26T16:02:00.005-05:00

This is Brian DePalma's movie adaptation of the #1 best selling novel by renowned author Stephen King. In fact, Carrie is the first book that King ever had published. Actually we have his beloved with Tabitha to thank for the saving of this masterpiece. You see, during the course of writing his first novel, King had no confidence in his abilities as a writer. Believing that it was a badly failed attempt, he threw the manuscript into the fireplace. His wife on the other hand (probably because of the novel's subject matter being very close and empathetic among women in general). Tabitha saved it from destruction, sent it in, a deal was made to publish it and henceforth we have the fantastic future works of Stephen King. Proving that behind every successful man lies an intelligent woman. I've read all of King's books and seen a lot of terrible screen adaptations of them, but the first film version of Carrie was pretty close to the book. A remake was later made under Stephen King's "strictly by the book" direction. Out of all of them, the remake of Carrie was very well made and adheres to the book even more faithfully than the original film version. Even though the actors were at the time unknowns, most of them have all since gone on to make many more successful movies. Of these are Sissy Spacek, who's portrayal of the lonely misfit Carrie White was truly exceptional. Piper Laurie who plays Margaret White, Carrie's overly religious maniacal mother who occasionally locks Carrie in a "praying closet". Nancy Davis who played the evil Christine Hargenson and John Travolta who plays her boyfriend/willing stooge Billy. Amy Irving who plays Sue Snell, the only person who gives two hoots about poor Carrie. Let's not forget William Katt who plays the school top jock with a sympathetic heart, he's also Sue's boyfriend. The plot is very simple and most people know the story and anyone (most of us) who were ever picked on in school and made to feel terrible, all for the amusement of other students can closely relate to it. The story begins when after being picked on all day in gym class, during her shower, Carrie White gets her first period. Since her mother never told her about it, she naturally thought that she bleeding to death. Terribly frightened she asks for help from the other girls in the class, who end up humiliating her by cornering her and throwing tampons at her. The girls who assaulted her are punished, which doesn't sit well with Christine (school hottie/total bitch) who thinks that Carrie White deserves to be picked on because she's so damned weird. The Prom is approaching and it's all anyone can talk about. Feeling horrible about participating in the tampon assault, Sue asks her boyfriend Tommy to take Carrie to the Prom. At first he refuses, but after some coaxing from his girlfriend, he agrees. Apparently he's gotten more agreeable since they started having sex. Another issue that should be brought up is that Carrie is also telekinetic and at first, strange things seem to happen when Carrie is freaked. The gym teacher slaps her and an overhead light bursts into sparks. While walking down the street, a young boy on a bike peddles by screaming "Creepy Carrie, Creepy Carrie". She glances at him and he instantly crashes to the ground. As the intensity of her mothers overly religious cruelty increases, Carrie has noticed that the objects around her are beginning to act according to her wishes. Tommy asks Carrie to the Prom. At first she refuses, but after some sweet talk she agrees. Christine still has it in for Carrie, so along with her boyfriend and a minion of teen followers, they concoct the ultimate practical joke, a prank to purposely humiliate Carrie to the extent that will satisfy Christine's hatred for her. A prank that fits the ridicule of having your first period in front of people and subsequently humiliated. They decide that it would be really fun to rig the vote for Prom Queen and King, so that Carrie and Tommy win. Once Carrie is on stage, they will dump pig blood all over her in front of everybody. The plan goes off without a hitch. The pig blood drenches her and Carrie is totally humiliated, but soon her humility is taken over by a telekinetic revenge unparalleled in human history. With her powers increased ten fold by this disastrous prank, no one at the prom survives. With the high school burning to the ground with everyone in it, Carrie walks home. While walking home, Christine and Billy attempt to run her over, only to feel the wrath of Carrie's glance. Their car goes tumbling and soon explodes. When she gets home, she is attacked and stabbed by her mother, because Carrie has gone so far astray and she "obviously" has the devil's powers that she is considered a witch, and after all, the Bible does say "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live". Telekinetically tossing knives at her mother, she is eventually pinned to a door frame in a very creepy replica of Christ on the Cross. Carrie's mind is now irreparable and her surroundings act according to her diminished condition causing the house to crumble and collapse. Like I've said, there are three versions of this story. The book, the movie, and the remake. All wonderful, I recommend the book first. Not enough time to read but could handle a two and a half hour movie that adheres to the book "almost religiously", watch the remake (after all, Angela Bettis plays Carrie with an amazing genuineness, you may remember Angela as "May", if not you can look it up here on Cultarama). Or you can sit back and enjoy the first movie at a mere hour and a half and witness one of the best stories ever told by some of the worlds foremost actors and actresses before anyone knew who the hell they were.

The Food of the Gods

2008-10-22T18:41:00.003-05:00

Once again, a brilliant H.G. Wells novel (The Invisible Man, War of the Worlds, The Time Machine) has been turned into a really cheap-ass film. Some of the film adaptations like "War of the Worlds" did indeed come out well, even if it did vary greatly from the novel. I can safely say that "The Food of the Gods" was an excellent novel, that was turned into a really laughable movie. It's funny for all the wrong reasons. I believe that the special effects department meant well, but just really made the movie ridiculous. We'll discuss them as they occur. Too begin, this film was made at a time when science fiction was making a comeback. Giant "this and thats " of some form or another, mostly created by modern means and mistakes like bombs, radiation, pollution, nuclear waste, etc. The giant villains this time are mostly rats. Anyway, the story: A famous football player needs a little vacation before an important game. He takes along a few friends, his coach and some teammates to an island getaway. A narrative theme begins with a man talking about how nature will someday rebel for all the shitty things we do to it, unfortunately the victims are innocent people who only suffer the wrath of the actual polluters. They arrive on an island only to be met with giant wasps. The crappy special effects begin here... the wasps are transparent, you can see right through them. There's one close-up of the attack which shows a most obvious big plastic bug. One fatality, one down... more to come. The group comes across a chicken coop that looks like it's been partially torn apart. He peeks inside only to be met with a giant chicken (well, a big plastic chicken head that someone is thrusting toward the actor). This scene is sidesplittingly funny. The plastic head doesn't move it's mouth or blink or anything, pretty pathetic. The owner of the chicken coop is located in the nearby farmhouse. It's an old lady that explains how some weird chemical started bubbling up in her backyard. She feeds it to the chickens (Yeah, that would've been my first choice too). The chickens grow and grandma thinks she's got the solution to hunger. The problem is, other creatures are grubbing on this chemical that granny has now spread all over the damn place, resulting in large bugs, large worms, and mostly large rats. The pests reign supreme and kill most of what's left of a forgettable cast. The big plastic rat heads are as funny as the big plastic chicken heads, so obviously fake and totally laughable. The special effect used for when a giant rat is shot with a shotgun is this, the rats are being shot with a paint ball gun. Problem is, those things shoot hard, not much for people, but these poor rats were looking mighty stunned and rendered unconscious upon impact. One of the last people left, theorizes that even though rats are really good swimmers, the fact that they have been enlarged, the same rules of gravity do not apply and if the rats are submerged in water they will sink and drown. This is absolutely not true by the way. Remember hippos, anyone? Four tons of flesh that floats along the water like a swimming pool floatie. Anyway, these two guys plant pipe bombs on a nearby damn (on an island?). The damn blows, the rats drown. You would think/hope that it would end here, but it doesn't. A creepy aftermath is hinted at. Some of the growth chemical makes it into a nearby stream and out into fresh water areas where cows drink from. You then see a cow on a milk machine, then school children enjoying their afternoon milk and cookies. I guess it's hinting that we can soon expect large ravenous children, not to mention larger than life cows (now maybe a good steak won't cost so damn much) and whatever other life that the chemical came in contact with while in the water. I see a sequel with giant crawfish! Aaaaaagh!

Don't Look in the Basement!

2008-10-19T12:02:00.000-05:00

This movie is cheaper than cheap. It was shot in a mere 12 days at a cost of about $10,000. But even in with the odds against them, I believe this movie is quite well made. It has a very ominous atmosphere, an asylum in the middle of nowhere, where the patients are free to move about the property. Dr. Stephens is the head doctor at this facility, he has hired a new nurse to replace one who is leaving because she can't take the potential danger of being harmed by one of the inmates. First, let's meet the patients: There's Jennifer, who is for the most part catatonic, but now and then enjoys attacking people with knives. An army sergeant who stays glued to the window with binoculars convinced that the beastly hun is just around the bend. Sam, a sweet guy, probably the most stable of the bunch, yet is slightly retarded and has the mind of a child. A judge who still thinks he's in front of a jury. Harriet, a sad woman who lost her baby and now is seriously overprotective of a baby doll. Let's not forget Allison, who for the most part seems very sane, but actually has a love obsession with EVERYBODY, constantly repeating "I know you love me". On with the story. The movie begins with Dr. Stephens teaching the judge how to release aggression by chopping wood. Giving an ax to an asylum inmate just spells disaster, and the judge eventually turns on the good doctor and whacks him in the head with the ax. An apparent nurse tells everyone to calm down, that she knows just what to do. This apparent head nurse, takes control over the asylum in the doctors absence. She seems to be next in line and is in charge now. The new nurse named Charlotte arrives, is informed of the doctors untimely passing and introduces herself as Dr. Masters, Dr. Stephens assistant. Dr. Masters isn't particularly thrilled about having a new nurse around and tries to send her away. Desperate for a job, she pleads with Dr. Masters and is eventually allowed to stay. Many of the patients forewarn Nurse Charlotte that danger lurks, but who can tell if an insane person is telling the truth or just being their little insane selves. An old lady that has been warning Charlotte from day one, apparently has cut her own tongue out. Dr. Masters doesn't seem too bothered by it and writes it off as the mere act of a lunatic. Someone has cut the phone lines as well, making the isolation all that much more ominous. Dr. Masters is beyond aggravated that a telephone repairman shows up and bitches him out and tells him never to return. He explains that he's just doing his job and is reluctantly shown the phone lines by Dr. Masters. Soon we see that the repairman has been killed, throat slit wide open. All the while Dr. Masters is starting to get weirder and definitely crankier. Sam tells Charlotte that he talks to Dr. Stephens and that the doctor is very concerned about nurse Charlotte. Sam also is carrying Dr. Stephens watch. Again she doesn't know what to believe because after all, these are asylum patients. Before his demise, the telephone repairman encounters Allison who is convinced that the repairman loves her. Upon finding him dead, she tells Charlotte that Dr. Masters killed her eternal love (the repairman). She also tells Charlotte that Dr. Masters is a patient as well who like to pretend to be a doctor. Again, Charlotte can't believe it could be true. The old lady can't exactly tell Charlotte anything because she no longer has a tongue, but when asked if Dr, Masters was the one who cut out her tongue, she nods yes... because she was trying to warn Charlotte from the beginning that all is not what it seems. Sam gives Charlotte a note saying that the doctor is alive and very worried. Nurse Charlotte has decided that it's definitely time to go, and begins what seems like an endless search for a way out. What's wrong with the front door is anyone's guess. She goes down to the basement and find Dr. Stephens barely alive. Of course since she's never met him, she doesn't know it's the doctor and smashes his head in, finishing him off. Sam saves Charlotte while the other inmates attack and kill Dr. Masters with various sharp objects. While Charlotte runs her ass off getting out of there, Sam goes back and kills the rest of the inmates. Covered in their blood, he sits and enjoys his favorite treat, grape popsicles. A creepy little flick, where the inmates run the asylum is a scary enough idea to keep you on the edge of your seat and totally makes up for the overall cheapness of the film.

The Thing From Another World

2008-09-28T20:12:00.003-05:00

Typically, I'm not a science fiction fan. Though, of course I can certainly be persuaded when the film is really good and enjoyable (or really campy, crappy, and stupid, I like both so I guess it makes no difference). The Thing From Another World is much more a suspenseful film with incredible atmosphere, unlike it's remake which concentrated mostly on special effects. The beginning of both movies start out the same... an arctic research station discovers a strange object buried in the ice. Upon inspection, it appears to be a flying saucer. They use explosives to try and uncover the ice to see exactly what they're dealing with here, and in doing so, they accidentally blow the whole space ship up. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on one's optimism at this point), a "space man" is seen frozen in the ice as well. The spaceship may have been blown to bits, but the space man seems unharmed. They unearth it and bring it back to their camp in a frozen block of ice for study. Some putz who is supposed to be watching over the damn thing, puts a blanket over it so he doesn't have to look at its creepy eyes. What the idiot doesn't realize is that it's an electric blanket that is turned on and it melts the space man to freedom in about 20 minutes. This is where the original and the remake split as far as story wise. The original is funny and somewhat tongue in cheek (while retaining it's sullen and effective atmosphere) and the remake becomes the story of a shape shifting alien that could easily destroy the world if it ever reaches civilization, directed by the ingenious John Carpenter. I do believe that the remake is considered #174 in the top #250 best movies ever made (source: IMDB.COM). Though it may not be the thriller that it's remake became, the original has that special something that makes it an instant classic. It's a creepy cold atmosphere placed near the North Pole with some really strange happening goin' on. After Mr Moron melted to creature and it escapes into the blizzard outside which doesn't seem to effect it much, a search engages. While tearing apart the sled dogs, "The Thing" loses an arm (that grows back) which is taken back to the laboratory. Upon scientific inspection, it is deduced that the arm is comprised of plant tissue. The scientists among the group explain that on another world, plant life may have evolved the same way that mammals evolved here on Earth. It feeds on blood, in fact blood from the dogs on the severed hand bring it back to life. Much like a plant, severed pieces that break off of "the Thing" begin their own growth. One of the weirdo scientist is actually growing some baby Things which creepily appear to be breathing. The group starts to remember their botany rules and realize that ice cold does not always kill a plant which is why the Thing creeps around outside. But, extensive heat will wilt a plant beyond saving (I know this to be true because I've killed many many many houseplants, after a while you just start blaming it on botanical suicide, the plant won't know you're lying). They electrocute the sucker, set him ablaze and destroy him. Not many fatalities and I can definitely say that the remake is totally superior. But hey, in 1951 they didn't have the razzle dazzle of great computer and make up effects that we have now. Granted, the villain in this movie is an intelligent carrot, I can't say that could be accomplished even with today's special effects. Watch the remake if you want a really suspenseful alien flick with a very oppressive atmosphere, but if you just want a comical story being taken totally serious with hilarious puns sprinkled here and there... watch this gem of an original, well thought out, cult flick...a true classic!

Blue Sunshine

2008-09-27T18:53:00.001-05:00

Blue Sunshine came out in 1977 and has all the earmarks of a seventies film. Polyester, disco, and bad hair. Speaking of bad hair... this movie has a lot of it and is in fact the main catalyst for the story. OK, here goes... A few certain people start noticing unnatural hair loss and displaying very erratic mood swings which are starting to become extremely violent. Their violent behavior quickly evolves into homicidal actions. I won't go into each one, but there is incredible character buildup which makes the action in the film much more exciting because you begin to feel like you actually know these people. An element that most mainstream horror/sci fi movies often neglect. Before any of them can be cured, it's realized that all the balding lunatics went to the same college university ten years ago. It turns out that some asshole sold them all a bad batch of acid called "Blue Sunshine". For those of us old enough to remember, LSD always had colorful names... Blue Sunshine, Black Dragon, Red Mercury, etc. A bumbling detective figures all this out and tries to save the world from this "plague". The most suspensive portion of the movie is figuring out who took the Blue Sunshine and who didn't. You see, a lot of the lunatics are wearing wigs so it's hard to tell because the hair loss comes before the violent tendencies occur. The climactic ending to this movie is full of humor, which changes the mood of the story ten fold. Three different puppets with the likenesses of Barbara Streisand, Frank Sinatra and Tom Jones, introduce the opening of a new disco (which was just making it's big splash around the time of filming). I guess the techno pop that disco had, really pushed the bald acid heads (who are more like crazed zombies now) over the top and they start freaking out and killing everyone. Moral of the story... avoid bad drugs (good drugs are OK) and if you freak out from bad acid, you should probably avoid discotechs. A really great period piece and very effective for a cheap independent film from Jeff Lieberman who also brought us the cheap but effective horror film about worms called "Squirm" which most of us have only seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000. A side note that must be acknowledged is the ever present full moon with a slight bluish tint, obviously foreshadowing the bald lunatics who took the Blue Sunshine.

Alice Sweet Alice

2008-09-05T18:17:00.002-05:00

This is a strange movie to say the least. Not quite up to a David Lynch level of strangeness, but very strange nonetheless. This was Brooke Shields first movie (I think maybe age 8 or 9), it was also Paula Sheppard's first (and only other) film. Paula's other movie "Liquid Sky" can be found here on Cultarama, so by all means give it a look see. In both movies, Paula Sheppard plays an incredible bitch, but from what information I've managed to obtain about her says that she's a very sweet and generous woman, who after making only two films, retired from show business to become a mother. Oh well, not to be rude but if she hadn't succumbed to the grapplings of motherhood, I'm sure that she would have given us many more wonderful performances. Brooke Shields character of Karen, younger sister to the demented and violent older sister Alice (Paula) is the main center of the story even though she gets killed off pretty early in the movie. Karen is a sweetheart, but Alice could easily pass for a sociopathic serial killer. She's a prankster (and an evil one too), she detests everyone, especially her sister Karen. The movie begins with Alice stealing her sister's favorite doll with promises of smashing it. Mom is convinced that Alice was just up to her usual tomfoolery and soothes her by letting her try on her new dress to be worn at her upcoming Communion. The day before Communion, their Priest Father Tom gives Karen a very special present (a beautiful gold cross necklace that belonged to his grandmother). Since Alice didn't get shit, she now has many hostilities towards her sister. Mrs. Tredoni (Father Tom's housekeeper/cook/answering service, maid, old friend of family, etc) also seems a little miffed about Father Tom giving Karen such a wonderful gift. Midway through this story, we are introduced to many odd and somewhat annoying character, such as Mr. Alfonso, a 600 lb tenant with piss stains on his pants and eats cat food right along with his 300 felines in an apartment the size of a broom closet. Another is Catherine (Karen and Alice's mother) who is just trying to be as good a mother as she can in trying keep peace amongst her feuding children. At the actual Communion, Karen goes missing. We see her being attacked by someone who looks like Alice because it's a small built individual (probably a woman), wearing the same kind of raincoat that Alice always wears, and donning a specific mask that we know Alice has stashed in her secret trunk in the basement. One of those creepy-ass masks that were mostly clear but had exaggerated makeup on them (y'know, typical nightmare fuel). Karen is subdued and thrown into a large wooden box and set aflame. A nun finds her charred body after smelling the smoke. She screams and everyone panics. Catherine (the mother) is very bluntly told by her bitch sister Annie that Karen in dead. Pandemonium erupts, and everyone starts screaming and crying... meanwhile we see Alice slipping Karen's veil under her raincoat to conceal it. Alice is the perfect suspect in the murder because not only did she like to dress just like the killer was dressed, but she also has very sociopathic tendencies, and is hateful and jealous towards her younger sister for many reasons. The estranged father of Karen and Alice arrives in town for his daughters funeral, to comfort his ex-wife and to get to the bottom of who killed his daughter. All the clues acquired point directly at Alice. As the bitchy aunt Annie (who is in a constant battle of wills with Alice) is leaving the apartment. Again, "someone" dressed in the raincoat and mask that Alice wears, attacks Annie in the stairwell and stabs the hell out of her. Once Annie is taken to the hospital, she is convinced that Alice is the person who stabbed her. Alice is taken to a psych ward and questioned about the stabbing of her aunt. She is given a polygraph test which establishes that she knows who stabbed her aunt, but she tells the truth when she says that it was her dead sister Karen. So either Alice is nuts or she really saw Karen (or someone who looks like Karen, possibly wearing the same yellow raincoat). Alice's parents think maybe it could have been Angela (Annie's daughter/Karen and Alice's cousin) who also has a yellow raincoat and just happened to be missing when Karen was killed. One problem, Angela is fat and doesn't resemble Karen or Alice in any way. Angela calls Alice's father (her uncle) and says that she has run away, has Karen's gold cross (which was given to Karen shortly before she died and was then taken by the killer) and asks her uncle if he could possibly meet her at some abandoned building. He follows Angela into the building where she stabs him, he chases after her and they struggle. During the struggle, the mask slips off revealing that it's Mrs. Tredoni and not Angela. The cross is hanging around her neck (which identifies her as Karen's killer). The father manages to bite the dangling cross from her neck before she pushes him off a ledge, landing on a pile of concrete, killing him. Mrs. Tredoni hates Catherine and her family (not yet sure why). She kills Karen because she is jealous that Father Tom gave Karen his grandmother's gold cross. She attempts to kill Catherine too, but misidentifies her and stabs Annie instead. Also being very religious (fuel for the best crimes imaginable), she thinks Catherine is a total whore because she is divorced. Catherine goes to Father Tom's house, but only Mrs Tredoni is home. She starts telling Catherine about how she herself had a little girl at one time, who also died during her first Communion. She feels that her little girl was killed in order to pay for the sins of her parents. Afterwards, she came to care for Father Tom (she points a knife at Catherine) not YOU! During the autopsy of Alice's father, they find the cross lodged in his throat. The cops make the connection that it's the same cross that was stolen from Karen and figure out that Mrs.Tredoni is the actual killer, not Alice. She goes to the church (where police are waiting to apprehend her) and gets in line for Communion. Since Father Tom knows what she's done, he won't give it to her. She screams out "But you gave it to that whore!!". At which time she stabs Father Tom in the neck. As she holds his lifeless body, the cops rush in. The last scene is the creepiest... as the cops are rushing around, we see Alice pick up Mrs. Tredoni's shopping bag that contains the knife used as the main murder weapon. She looks at it and slowly hides it back in the bag and gives the camera a really evil look. The look of an accused and innocent young girl who now has the capacity and desire to kill.

Terror Toons

2008-08-26T18:14:00.002-05:00

This is a really screwed up film... on many levels. Wow, where does one start? First of all this film looks like it was filmed with a home camcorder, the characters are beyond surrealistic and totally unbelievable, the concept is really weird, and the acting is some of the worst ever caught on celluloid. Anyway, the story is about how Satan discovers the amazing qualities of a popular modern item we all know as a DVD. He creates a monstrous cartoon character (mostly played by a guy in a costume) called Dr. Carnage and his sidekick, a ravenous monkey named Max Assassin, and places them on DVD's and drops one in everyone's mailbox (I guess since AOL always did that, he thought could too). Some weird chick with breasts big enough to be classified as weapons of mass destruction, that also looks 35 years old but acts like a 6 year old, finds one in her mailbox and decides to play it out of childish boredom. Meanwhile, her parents (consisting of an obvious man in drag with a voice like John Wayne) are going out of town for the weekend and put her older sister in charge. Somehow as if planned, the "older" sister looks much much younger than the "younger" sister. Anyway, the older sis invites some friends over, some boys, some liquor, what have you, and has a party. Little sister with boobs so big they have separate zip codes, is watching what looks like a stupid cartoon about a mad doctor and his rabid pet monkey. Suddenly, Dr Carnage and Max Assassin leap from the TV and extract very cartoonish (and strikingly gruesome) ways of killing everyone. All the cartoon cliches are used... safe dropped on the head, sawed in half, spine ripped out, TNT explosives, etc. Live action is mixed with cheap cartoon overlay and computer effects, some of which are truly hilarious and deserve really good drugs. As expected this movie is extremely colorful, being about cartoons and all, but this is as gory as can be expected when a safe falls on your head. In a real cartoon, their head came out flat, they blew on their thumbs and everything pops out into place. But here, when a safe falls on you, you're squashed beyond recognition, your guts are coming out and brain matter is staining the wall. All through the night, everyone gets it in a different way. Monday when "Mom" and Dad return, they find the house a mess and body parts everywhere. The drag queen mom goes into a totally hilarious spastic fit that was so side-splittingly funny that it was almost worth sitting through this cheap piece of crap! And, I serious stretch the word "almost".