Purveyor of Pleasure

What Brings (Me) Pleasure: Hammocks

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:43:38 +0000

Number 410 from Adipositivity

This is going to be a new feature here on Purveyor of Pleasure, and I thought I would start it off! Normally the title would be “What Brings You Pleasure” (now a link in the navigation bar as well) but since I’m writing it this first one is What Brings Me Pleasure.

This post and this idea, really, is brought to you by the image above from Adipositivity, possibly my favorite photography site ever. I’ve posted many times about and many pictures from Adipositivity and I’m sure I will post many more. I was inspired by the photo to write about my love for hammocks, and that brought me to the idea of this new feature!

If you would like to submit a post for this new feature check out the info page.

I’m not really sure what it is about hammocks that I love so much. I’ve always loved gently rocking back and forth while being suspended in the air.

I remember when I was little my Aunt and Uncle had a little storage shed across from their house that my Uncle had built. On the poarch of the shed a gorgeous rainbow hammock was suspended in the spring and summer. Every time we went over there, if there was time, I would ask if I could play in the hammock. I would climb into it and just lie there, rocking back and forth, for what felt like an eternity. I was as at peace as a hyper child could be.

One of my favorite places on earth is at my family’s cabin on Lake Sutherland. It was passed down from my father’s father to his four children and all of their children have been visiting it since we were little. My family and I would take a trip from Juneau, Alaska to Port Angeles, Washington almost every summer while I was growing up, usually we would drive down through Canada and then Seattle. Back when gas prices were much more reasonable. A lot of the time when we arrived in Port Angeles we would stay at the lake cabin (as we call it), or at very least we would go out there all the time. One little moment of joy in my life was when my Aunt gave me a key to the lake cabin when I moved to Seattle.

Between the cabin and the lake there is a small area of grass and in that area there is a white stand-alone hammock permanently taking up space there. The last time I was there I took a picture of me in the hammock with it’s gorgeous view of the lake and other side. It’s one of the things I look forward to most about going to the lake cabin, that and jumping off the end of the dock into the water and swimming until my arms are tired.

Hammocks bring me pleasure to my core. I don’t know if I could ever be upset in a hammock; they calm me and fill me with utter joy. There is something just so peaceful about laying happily in a hammock, rocking back and forth, suspending all the problems and potential stresses of day to day life by just taking the time to breathe and rock.

Any time we see a hammock or someone references one I mention to Onyx that we need a hammock. When looking at cat towers for our four cats to play on I am always drawn to those with hammocks. Life is just better with a hammock to rest in and let troubles melt away. Someday I will have one. Until then hammocks will remain a once-in-a-while luxury.

What brings you pleasure?

Positivity

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 23:41:08 +0000

For the last few months especially I’ve been calculating a position regarding people in my life. Basically it’s this: if someone don’t make me feel good then I don’t want to be around them. Of course, there are times when life gets in the way and negative things happen, when I might feel sad or bad about something that is happening to the other person or a mistake I made, who knows. I’m not talking about those things, though, I’m talking about if, more often than not, joy is brought to my life because someone is in it.

Selfish? Maybe. But I’m such an emotional sponge that I just can’t stand to choose to be around negative people. When around those types of people I become negative and depressed, my life has less joy, and what’s the point of living life without joy? I realize it may not always be my choice, but when it is I will choose not to be around them.

It may sound simple and intuitive, and in some ways it is both of those. However, it has not always been simple or intuitive for me. I used to be attracted to people who were projects, by which I mean people I thought I could help or fix in some way. This also meant that I was, in many cases, the sole supporter or contributor in the relationship. I would give and give and give and the little scraps I got in return were just enough to sate me so that I could give some more.

It took a lot for me to realize this, and I can’t say that every relationship I’ve ever been in was exactly the same, but a lot of them followed this basic pattern. Of course, there is much more to this pattern than I have really mentioned and there were lots of other things going on too, and I guess that makes it sound like it was all the other people’s faults and that’s not really what I mean. Analyzing the patterns is more of a job for another post, however.

More interactions with he who I’m from now on referring to as Adam have lead me to believe that he is used to this type of relationship from me, even after a couple years of not speaking, which just reminded me of why I stopped talking with him in the first place. The curiosity and temptation have worn off for the most part and while I’m interested in interacting with him on some levels I’m just not sure how he fits in with my new philosophy.

I am focusing on pleasure, which is also evidenced by the change of this blog title to Purveyor of Pleasure. Along with pleasure I’m focusing on joy and positivity. I am, in fact, dedicated to the cultivation of all of these things, and hope my actions and writings can help bring them to others as well.

Equality in Inequality

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 21:46:53 +0000

I was sitting at his feet as we watched a show, the most normal of circumstances, my head resting on his thigh and his hand in my hair, and I came to a micro revelation. This isn’t really new, I’ve written about this same thing before and it’s how Onyx and I have operated for quite a while, but I had not really put the pieces together as to why I’m considered a “bad” submissive by some and why I had such trouble accepting some of the submissive tropes I had heard in the past.

I used to have more trouble submitting than I do now. I was told constantly that in order to submit I must think of my Top/Owner/WhatHaveYou as someone better than myself, higher than myself, someone to look up to not just literally. I was told that in order to be a submissive I must think of myself as less than or inferior.

While I will admit there are things which Onyx is better than me at there are just as many things which I am better than him at. We’re pretty fairly balanced as far as skills and intelligence goes, I believe. For a long while I had trouble with this concept because I was trying to fit our equality, or equity, along lines of a differentiated power dynamic.

It was from me sitting at his feet, my hair being stroked as I laid my head upon his thigh and we both watched the screen before us, that I understood this difference. For me it’s never been about being less than someone else that makes me want to submit, it’s about relinquishing control to another and trusting someone else completely enough to do that. Enjoying being treated like Onyx’s pet or prized possession, has nothing to do with being less than him or inferior to him, but is simply the dynamic we choose to enact.

The power dynamic between Onyx and myself comes from a place of equality. We are equals and because we are equals I can choose to be his property, because I have power I can choose to give that power over to him. If I had no power, if I had no choice, then there would be less enjoyment for both of us. It’s never been about inferiority for us, although there is nothing wrong with playing with that dynamic as well, but it’s just not where either of us live.

When I was having trouble submitting, when we were having trouble with our dynamic, I was told to think of him as better than me, to trust that he knows better than I do or that he is more capable than I am so that he could lead me. I had trouble with this. The real issue that was happening was I didn’t trust him and he didn’t trust himself, so we both were sabotaging the dynamic we both wanted but also feared. What I needed to do was trust that he knew what I wanted and needed and would choose what to give me, not to hold him up as greater than myself as I was told.

Although we play with power and pain there is no inequality in our relationship dynamic, which may sound like an oxymoron. I put my trust in him to take care of me and give me what I need and he puts his trust in me that I will take care of him and give him what he needs. We’re each giving and taking in different ways, but we’re both equally valued and appreciated and both getting and giving.

Perhaps equity is a better term for it than equality. Unfortunately equality comes along with all sorts of connotations that are not necessarily all good. Equality does not mean identicality or sameness, although a lot of people seem to think that is true. Equality doesn’t mean abolishing differences but it’s about celebrating sameness and differences. Really the way I use equality is the same as equity, but for the sake of minimizing confusion I think equity makes more sense in this instance.

Obviously by imposing a power dynamic on our relationship we are not equal in some senses of the word, but our contributions to each other and the relationship are equitable. They are valued the same and we are valued the same because of it. We are equals although we do not always interact in ways typically thought of as equal. We play with inequality in our actions because we are equals in every other way.

Shiny and New

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 21:18:08 +0000

For a while now, really ever since I switched from Femmeinist Fucktoy to Femme Fagette I’ve been unsure of that blog name. Even when I made the switch I was hesitant because my identities are fluid and I tend to shift and change and rearrange myself often. I have wanted something a little less identity based and a little more solid. I couldn’t figure out what, though, and I liked (and still like) Femme Fagette, so I went with it.

I mentioned a couple posts ago that I was thinking about changing my blog name but didn’t yet know to what. You may or may not have noticed the switch yesterday from Femme Fagette to Purveyor of Pleasure. The URL changed as well to ofpleasure.com (I also got purveyorofpleasure.com and it’s pointing to this blog as well, but ofpleasure.com seems much simpler, easier to remember, and cleaner). It is less identity-based and a phrase I’ve been using for a while on my business cards. Of course now I have to get new ones printed. Dammit.

Hopefully, if you’re reading this through RSS, nothing should have changed for you since you should be getting my RSS feed through feedburner. Also, if you came here via a link from another site or are looking at the main page the URL should be different but it should still take you to the right place. This change will mess with my pagerank for a little while, but I think it’ll be worth it.

So, please, if you’re reading this, update your links if you haven’t already. Although it will automatically redirect to the right place it’s still best to have the correct link and title.

Also I put up a new layout on Wanton Lotus, so take a look at that as well.

Wavelengths

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 23:45:05 +0000

My mother has been visiting for the last little over a week. She’s been staying in the living room of our tiny one bedroom apartment which means Onyx and I really have only had sex once in the last little over a week. I would say this is quite less than usual, though our number and frequency varies from time to time depending on how busy we are etc. Last night especially I was ready to about jump him, however. Today she is heading East to visit family over there. A text message exchange from earlier today:

Onyx: Is your mom heading to PA today?

Me: I believe she is, she hasn’t left quite yet. I would very much like some rough sex when she is gone. ;D

Onyx: I was just thinking about slappin’ you around a bit.

Me: Excellent. I love when we are on the same wavelength! :D

The minute she was gone I went into our bedroom where he was taking a nap and proceeded to wake him up with kisses and a blowjob, or facefucking, whichever you would prefer to call it. That is, I started the action but he quickly took over leading the movements of my head with his hands usually via my hair and including the occasional slap on the cheek. After a bit of this he quickly guided me over and down onto my stomach and pressed my head and chest into the bed, easily sliding into me and pinning me down as he began to fuck me. Needless to say, I was happy.

His hands played with my head a little: he pulled my hair, he slapped my cheeks, he slipped his fingers into either side of my mouth and held my mouth open, he covered my mouth and nose so I couldn’t breathe. All of this while continuing to pound into me as I lay trapped beneath him, as I moaned and tried to thrust back with my hips as best as possible–though that wasn’t too possible. He then took each of my wrists and brought them behind my back, pressing down again to keep me against the bed and fucking me with extra vigor until he came inside of me.

We lay there, both working on catching our breath before rolling over, snuggling, kissing, exchanging “I love you”s. Soon his fingers were on my clit with his other hand in my hair. We kissed and I panted and squealed and moaned my way to four or so most delicious orgasms culminating in the strongest one last. I’ve just about gotten this coming on command thing down, though that’s another post.

Ever Changing

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 06:08:47 +0000

My life seems to be shifting in new directions all over the place, and with that comes the need for change in other areas. I have far too many things on my docket and I’ve mentioned before about needing to get organized, unfortunately I can’t seem to do that. It’s a common scenario, and I can blame the last week of non-accomplishment on my mother visiting and doing things with her, but even before that I wasn’t getting everything done that I wanted to.

It would be less of a big deal if I didn’t actually want to change. I’m trying to learn to focus with joy but I seem to not be prioritizing the way I would like to be. How does one get on top of this sort of thing?

On the flip side, I’m thinking about a new name for this blog. Something more androgynous, maybe, or something less identity based. I kind of like the idea of going back to The Feminist Fucktoy, except I’m having some weird feelings about the term feminist lately, mostly it’s connotations. While I think it’s important to reclaim a word I also don’t like the things carried out in the name of feminism that seem overtly non-feminist (in the way I understand it). There’s a longer post in there somewhere, and one I plan on writing… eventually.

What does that mean? The header might change, I might add another URL to the long list of ones that point to this blog, you’ll still be able to find me. My RSS feed will be the same. I just don’t know what I want to change it to. Cuntpet also has it’s draws, not to mention the added bonus of already having the domain, but I’m also currently and often in the mood to have someone call me Daddy, so that would be too limiting and narrow of a title. I want something that is all of me while also being flexible enough to incorporate new aspects as they develop, is that too much to ask? Well, yes.

In other words, don’t be surprised if you come to this blog one day only to discover it has moved to another domain, another phase in the blog complete, shifting in a new-yet-still-the-same direction, letting this blog evolve as I do. In some ways I’m tempted to start over, something new and different, shed this persona that is not separated from me in any way and do something more anonymous, more free. In others, I embrace the brand I’ve built up around myself and want to continue it. I just need a new phrase for this period.

Blind Spots

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:55:15 +0000

I’m not sure if I’m doing a wise thing here, and the fact that I’ve not really shared it with Onyx is probably an indication of how not smart it is. I just have a blind spot when it comes to him. I’m not sure what to call him on here, though he might not mind his real name since it’s a pretty common one. I’m not sure he knows about this blog anyway. I am so torn.

He contacted me on Facebook after not speaking for two and a half years. He knew the date, I didn’t. We give great back and forth. There hasn’t been any fighting yet, or bickering. We used to bicker all the time, like old marrieds who had gotten into a rut and just pushed each other the wrong way. We did that.

I loved him once. I met him around the same time I met Onyx, also online. We would call each other up and make sweet dirty music together, and it was good. I just called him for the first time in two and a half years.

It’s strange, though we used to talk on the phone all the time, I was nervous. I remembered his voice and my breath did that cliche thing of catching in my throat before I could speak. He has far too much power over me. He knows how to play my heartstrings just right, whether intentionally or not.

The ball was and has been in my court. There is no promise for anything except talking. I don’t intend to start anything sexual with him, but I want to see how he has changed and grown. My curiosity is getting the better of me, because he seems less severe in some ways. I wonder how he and I will get along now. I wonder if there is more between us than the memory of what we used to have. I know that I still have love for him inside me, and it is more powerful than I was anticipating.

Am I loving him or what he represents? I’ve always had an idealized version of him in my head, the person he could be if he could only stop being so caustic. The person he was when he was with me when we weren’t bickering. This isn’t something I can just leave alone, I have to see what happens, and I’m trying to be as cautious as I possibly can.

Five Years

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:52:06 +0000

I always count on someecards to give me the best anniversary cards

Today is the five year anniversary of when Onyx and I met face-to-face. We had known each other well online for about six months (known of each other for longer–I’ve written the background of our relationship before and how we met and etc.) and despite mention of trips and a snafu resulting in him not visiting me the week before despite plans to do so it was today that he showed up on my doorstep five years ago.

I moved in with him thirteen months later, on August 26th the next year.

So much has changed since then and so much has remained the same. We are both similar but different from the way we used to be, as it should be, and both dedicated to encouraging the other to grow. I think I end up saying this every year, but it’s true, and it’s why we’ve been able to stay together even after everything that has happened.

I can’t imagine my life without him in it in one way or another, we’ve grown apart and together with a balance of each that has just made our love and connection stronger over the years. Especially after the triad we have change immensely, these last seven months have probably been the best and most fruitful of our five long years together. We are connecting on a deeper and more fundamental level than ever before, doing more things together, and doing things apart as well. It’s really quite amazing.

Here’s to five more years.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 00:17:37 +0000

More thinking about my post Tired from the beginning of the month has lead me to this: if you don’t know, ask. Don’t ever be afraid to ask. While it’s not always enjoyable to me to explain how I identify to someone that doesn’t mean it’s not highly appreciated. I would much rather have an hour long conversation (or even five-minute) about my identities than have my gender, sexuality, spirituality, or anything else assumed. You know what they say about to assume…

For the most part I’m pretty open when asked a question directly. I don’t skirt around things and I will take a question at face-value and answer exactly what was posed. I might not offer up additional information, but I am not shy about answering questions when asked directly. While I don’t always enjoy talking about myself (I know, that may be hard to believe considering that’s most of what I do on this blog) that doesn’t mean that I would rather not be asked about something. If I can clarify something or explain something I am always happy to, as long as I have the time. I also try not to assume that the other person will know what I’m talking about.

This doesn’t mean I think they are stupid, but because I use terms in mostly academic ways and since I don’t know if they have read something I’m referencing in my identity or explanation I try not to make assumptions either way and opt to ask questions myself. “Have you heard of…”" “Have you read…?” etc. If not I try to explain as fully as possible, and even if so I often will still mention some of the basic ideas of what I am referencing to make sure we are on the same page. I do not assume anyone is on the same page as I am, but that doesn’t mean they are not as smart as me or any other nonsense like that. Knowledge on one specific subject has nothing to do with intelligence.

Specifically what I was referencing in Tired had to do with two types of people. People with whom I have had conversations regarding identity who then turn around and seem to ignore everything I have expressed about my identity regardless. Or people assuming they know my identity without asking or having a conversation about it. It is difficult for me in either of these situations to come out and say “I don’t identify that way.” I’m just not a confrontational person and it is often difficult for me to assert my identities. I realize not being able to do that is my problem, but I do think that making assumptions about someone else’s identity is never a good idea. Similarly, disregarding a conversation about an identity is also not a good idea.

It’s hard work to have identity conversations in general. I realize this. It’s difficult to ask someone a question about their identity, you can’t always know how that question will be reacted to. Just keep in mind that when you ask make sure to ask something regarding identity rather than pinning an identity to it already such as “how do you identify?” versus “are you a [insert identity here]?” You can use specific terms such as “What is your gender identity?” “What pronoun do you prefer?” “What is your sexual identity?” as well, though the slightly more open-ended “how do you identify?” may get you the widest variety of options.

Please, ask questions, ask clearly, ask for definitions of things if I or someone else uses a term in a way that is unfamiliar to you. Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification. It is far better to ask than to assume. While there may be the occasional person who is offended that you would ask or who doesn’t think it is any of your business that doesn’t mean everyone would be. That said, also think about what you are asking and of whom. Should you be asking complete strangers about what genitals they have (though this isn’t the same as gender identity discussed previously) or who they like to fuck? Maybe it is, depending on the context of wherever you are at the moment, but maybe it’s not. Be smart about it, segue into it, make sure it is appropriate, but don’t be afraid to ask if you sincerely want to know and don’t.

Similarly, if you identify with something out of the norm please don’t scare people away from asking questions, if they’re asking that’s at least a step above assuming your identity and questions are an excellent time to educate them and open their minds. Who knows what kind of chain reaction you might set off. If they ask in an inappropriate way then tell them so politely and educate them as to how to ask in a better manner next time. I can’t say I’m perfect at this, but I’m trying.

It is not easy on either side of the conversation. Sometimes I just wish I could fit into societal standards in one way or another and not have to worry about things like this, not have to figure my identities out in order for me to enjoy them and understand them. I get tired of explaining the same thing over and over to the same people, sometimes I’m tired of explaining in general even to new people who are genuinely interested, but that doesn’t mean I would rather not be asked. I’m glad to challenge normalized ideas and maybe, just maybe, open a mind or two.

Finding My Track

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 00:00:13 +0000

Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked. I think leaving school was what really did it, I needed a break from the massive amount of reading theory that I had done, quite unsuccessfully near the end. I enjoyed it all but had gotten to a point where I was just inputting far too much for my brain to handle and I was wanting to focus on other things. Things like relationships. And suddenly I had money to worry about. I just got distracted. That’s not to say there isn’t a place for posts that I’ve been doing, but I want to get back to writing interesting theory and I’m worried my intellectual muscles have atrophied.

Now next month will mark the two year anniversary of officially being out of school, and I’ve been doing that life-stock thing. I really used to enjoy writing on this blog, but now it seems like the inspiration doesn’t come as easily as it used to. I have about fifteen thousand books I’m trying to read all at once, and a lot of my current focus is on the metaphysical. I could start writing about that sort of stuff here, but I also have ten thousand other blogs that I write for.

I keep thinking that I’m spreading myself too thin, or dividing my attention too many places, and I’m trying to figure out what to keep doing and what to lose, what I can spend my time on and what I can’t. It’s not an easy process, I want to do everything, but having so many projects and ideas I end up working on them all but not actually producing finished work for anything.

Now, back to what I talked about a while ago regarding life goals for a bit. I have a few things in mind and am working on buffing up my astrology muscles to the point where I can feel comfortable charging people for readings. I may start offering free short email and/or phone consultations to get into the spirit of that as well, we’ll see.

I’ve realized I have just too damn many interests and things I want to do, which is really quite unfortunate in some ways as I never have enough hours in the day to get everything done! I am trying to set goals and deadlines for myself and I’m thinking that doing something like blocking facebook on my computer would be a good idea. Heh.

I’m trying to re-conceptualize what I want to do with this blog. I still want to write about personal things but I’m also trying to expand my scope and I’m wondering if I might need to change something. I want to do something like my Size and Sexuality Study again, and I may start posting some of the finished surveys I still have yet to publish from that if there is any interest. Perhaps I will do something to build on what I already started to do. I keep being seduced with the idea of starting up yet another blog, but am trying to refrain, I’ve actually gotten rid of two in the last few weeks that I wasn’t updating so I could use the space for something else.

I’m thinking of ways to spruce up Wanton Lotus as well and have a list of Products 101 posts that I really want to do and have had in the works forever and a day, like how to choose the right lube for you or some general product safety information, but I haven’t gotten around to writing it. I also want to start posting a review round-up on this blog again like I used to mentioning the reviews that I’ve done on Wanton Lotus for readers of this blog who don’t read that blog.

Mostly I need to just set myself deadlines and stick to them, that’s what I did during the time I was posting once a day way back when, I told myself I had to post something every day and so I did. Now I have so many blogs and projects I need to figure out how to divide my time accordingly.

I’m developing a schedule, though, and trying to get a list of things I want to write about so that I don’t feel so lost for good topics. I’m thinking I might start talking about spiritual aspects of myself on this blog as well. We’ll see.

Anything you would like to see more of? Any questions you have or topics that you want me to write about? Let me know, I’d be happy to.

Casual Sexuality

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:49:21 +0000

Since I’ve been back from Juneau my number of sex partners has increased by four. This may not seem like a lot, but it’s about a thirty-three percent increase from my previous number (assuming I’m doing my math correctly). The small amount of casual sex I had before Onyx and I got together was minimal and done so out of a place of loneliness and depression, but this has been done out of a place of joy and openness. Even so I’m not having the best time with it.

Two of the four new partners were spur-of-the-moment one-time deals, people I didn’t really know and knew there wouldn’t be much chance of anything further developing. For one of the two I thought maybe there would be the possibility, but that was quickly nullified. Neither of these are sitting well with me.

The other two are a couple, I’ve written about them before. They are friends, continue to be friends, and the possibility for more fun is there. There is no awkwardness or uncomfortability, it’s just the way it is. I have no problems with this.

I have always been drawn to the idea of having casual play with friends and I’ve often fetishized the idea of sex with anonymous strangers, but the reality of the latter is not sitting as well with me.

I’m more than a little bummed that of the four sex partners three are male and one is female, but I also find that I tend to be more romantically interested in females and physically interested in males, that’s just how I’ve always been. I enjoy sex with everyone, don’t get me wrong, and I’m generally more physically attracted to females and transpeople than males but I’m also far more timid and reserved when I’m actually interested in someone.

While, as I mentioned, I’ve had some casual sexual encounters before pre-Onyx they were few and far between and usually circumstances of the internet and not really all that satisfying. These new experiences were all enjoyable but have left me unsettled. At the same time I’m drawn to the idea of the casual hook-up. Of the two one-time-only encounters one has turned out well and the other is a little awkward, and I do wonder if the awkward one were to be defeated perhaps that would put a better light on the entirety of casual hook-up-ness.

This is still a work in progress, so perhaps simply more research is needed before I can have a fully formed opinion.

Tired

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 04:05:57 +0000

I’m just plain tired. I’m tired of having to explain how I identify, especially to the same people over and over again. I’m tired of people making assumptions about me rather than letting me make my own definitions and letting them know what my labels are. I’m tired of people thinking I’m straight because my partner is cismale or that I’m a lesbian because I prefer female-bodied people. I try not to let it bother me when someone mislables me, but it hurts every time.

It’s difficult to inhabit middle identities while living in a binary world. There are many days when I wish I could just feel “one or the other” instead of seeing all the wonderful options out in front of me and wanting to have one of every flavor. Call me indecisive if you want, but when I can see the beauty and joy I could get from every option I can’t just pick one, it’s not in my nature.

I’m not straight or a lesbian, I’m queer. Bisexual, maybe, though I don’t like the binary aspect it implies and prefer other terms. Queer is the best description I have. Really I tend to be attracted to other queer people regardless of their gender and specifically because of their intelligence and/or personality. I’ve used intellisexual for quite some time, sapiosexual also fits which is a slightly more common term. I am attracted to people’s brains more than anything else, and usually those brains have to be queer in some way shape or form.

Similarly I do not identify with the term woman. It’s simply not a word that I identify with nor is it a way I see myself or desire for others to see me. While I may often wear feminine drag that does not make me a woman (or any spelling variation thereof). The same goes for girl. My gender identity is genderqueer regardless of the gender expressed within my gender presentation⁰¹. My gender presentation is always drag.

While I do associate with the term femme I embrace it as part of my gender presentation. I embrace the gothy glittery drag queen femmeininity that is all mine most days, though not all days. Femme is my presentation more than anything, but there are also days when I wear my too-small-sports-bra-slash-binder and present as fagette. I do think that my “fagette” presentation confuses some people, however, because it still some femininity in it, dressing in boy drag is not a spectrum-banging event for me. I am realizing more and more, though, just how much femme and fagette go hand in hand for me. There are no days when I am femme that I am not a fagette, and no days when I am not genderqueer.

Recently I’ve begun using gender neutral pronouns when I am able and it makes my entire being sing. A friend of mine referred to me using ze and hir without my first requesting it and it nearly brought me to completely unexpected tears to be seen in a way that aligned with my own gender. I catch myself internally wincing when words and identities other than my own are thrown at me in conversation, but often I don’t have the energy or desire to confront the misconception of me in the eyes of others, which just ends up perpetuating it.

I’m trying to get to the point where I am not looking for the validation of others for any of my identities, but it’s difficult not to want that. I want to be seen rather than assumed away as something else. I realize that I am responsible for making myself a whole person in the eyes of others and do not put the responsibility of figuring me out completely on other people but I’m so damn tired of having to correct people. It seems like a petty difference to ask someone to not refer to me using certain language, and yet it cuts me deep whenever it happens. I just haven’t gotten to the point where I am comfortable asserting my gender identity, perhaps because it is such a fluid work-in-progress.

I’m using gender identity and gender presentation to mean two different things. Someone’s gender identity has to do with the internal gender feelings the person has, whereas their gender presentation is the outward gender they show to the world. These do not always go hand-in-hand.

Learning How to Follow

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 10:48:17 +0000

The other night Onyx and I went out swing dancing with Sinclair and Kristin at the most awesome Century Ballroom here in Seattle. Sinclair and Kristin have done lots of swing dancing, I’ve done a small amount many many years ago but have done a fair amount of dancing in general, and Onyx had never done any before⁰¹. There was a short lesson before the band got started to teach us some very basic steps and we were divided up into “leaders” and “followers” (which was nicely gender-neutral terminology and not surprising for Capitol Hill).

I was suddenly struck and unsure of which side to go on. Every time I had done swing or any partner dancing in the past I’ve always been a leader, but since Onyx was coming (he wasn’t there yet, he had to work late) I decided I would learn it from the follower’s perspective so he could be the leader.I’m sure he would have had no issue with the opposite generally if it were just the two of us, in fact I’ve lead him in partner dancing when we’ve gone out before and neither of us feels strange about it, but since it’s a social event I thought it would be a nice for me to get experience in the follower side of things. After all, I could always switch later, not to mention I would get experience with both sides either way.

We all got in a large circle of pairs and learned the very basic six count rock-step and step-step as well as a couple turns and there was great emphasis in leaders learning how to lead and followers learning how to follow. Since basically all of my experience has been as a leader I had some issues giving up control.

Surprise surprise.

Yes, I actually am talking about swing dancing, but of course this is an excellent analogy for all the problems I’ve had as a submissive. You know, just in case you didn’t already figure that out (though you probably did, I’m not discounting your intelligence I just have a tendency to over-explain. Anyway.)

I really enjoyed myself, and because the instructors had the followers switch partners every few steps while we were all going through the brief lesson I was able to dance with a number of different people, three of which asked me to dance later on in the night. I only ended up dancing with one of them because first I was catching Onyx up on the dancing technique as he had missed the instruction and then I was nursing the ankle I rolled while dancing (ouch), and by the time I was dancing again the two who I declined at the time were busy with others or had left.

I learned, however, something that I’ve been learning a lot in the last few months, especially since I got back from Juneau, and that is that I can follow and I can do a damn good job at it too when I allow myself to. When I trust that the other person is able to lead me I am able to allow them to do so, though it does take a lot of practice especially since I’m also quite a strong leader myself.

Onyx did exceptionally well as I taught him how to lead, especially for someone who claims to have no rhythm, it took a little while but he got the basic steps down. He’s agreed to take classes with me, which I am extremely thrilled about and plan to hold him to.

I was amused at how much like in the beginnings of our power relationship I was again teaching him how to lead me so that I could adequately follow, though not doing a great job at it myself. I’m sure with enough practice as well as much help from others he will become an excellent leader to my follower just as he has off of the dance floor.

I’ll still be leading with others, though, whenever I can.

Onyx thinks he is completely without rhythm and body coordination despite having learned both while he was in the Norwegian army and being able to dance at the local goth club when we go out–granted goth dancing isn’t about rhythm, but anyway…

Being Size-Positive but Still Wanting to Lose Weight

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 18:07:48 +0000

This is something I know a lot of people struggle with. It’s something I’ve struggled with before because I was looking at things from the wrong perspective. Something I’ve written about before a long while ago is the idea of size vs. health. I still think this is true. The idea of being size-positive is, in my mind, about promoting health at every size as well as allowing yourself to love your body at the size it is, regardless of whether you are working to change your body or not.

Advertising society wants us to hate our body the way it is so they can promote their product and we will want to buy it. If we feel incomplete as people and have been told that in order to be complete we must consume than that is exactly what we will do. We are taught it’s okay to shame fat people, that being fat is a choice because it’s “so easy” to lose weight. Obviously it’s easy, otherwise it wouldn’t be a billion plus dollar industry and we wouldn’t have diet pills and other “easy” ways to lose weight that may or may not actually work for you but will almost definitely not be healthy. It’s difficult to escape from those pressures that are put on us, the capitalism, body-hatred, and, really, self-hatred that is sewn in to our cores.

We are also taught that in order to change our body we must hate it, you can’t lose weight and love or be happy with your body, those two things cannot coexist according to the values of society, but I say this is wrong. You can love your body and be actively wanting to change it, but it requires a consciousness shift. Unfortunately that includes giving up the idea that losing weight is going to be quick and simple, because if it’s quick and simple it’s usually not healthy and won’t last.

Because I love my body I want to be healthier. I am actively trying to get healthier, which does, for me, include losing weight. Not everyone needs to lose weight in order to be healthier, no matter what size you are. I’m looking at weight loss as a by-product of becoming healthier, not the end-product. Looking at weight loss as the end-product can lead to unhealthy habits.

I have lost about twenty five pounds in the last six plus months, I’ve been doing it slowly and I am not doing it in a way that is unhealthy or (hopefully) going to rebound on me. It’s not as simple as eating less and exercising more, people say that to fat people all the time but, unless they are fat themselves, they don’t really understand what that means. Fat bodies store fat in different ways, otherwise you couldn’t have two people eating the exact same diet (and I don’t mean “diet” in the sense of “weight-loss diet” but in the sense of “what we eat”) and becoming different sizes, hell I know many skinny people who eat way worse than I do, yet weigh over a hundred pounds less than I do.

In a way I’ve been eating better and exercising more, but it’s more than that. I had been doing that for years, actually. I started seeing a personal trainer in 2008 and I wouldn’t say I’m exercising any more now than I was then, but I wasn’t losing weight then and I am now. I wasn’t eating much different than I am now either, and yet now I’m losing weight and then I was staying the same. A few periods in time in the last few years I tried calorie counting and was eating under what my calorie intake should be to maintain my current weight along with doing a fair amount of exercise. I was drinking lots of water. I was going to the gym at least three times a week doing, usually at very least an hour and a half each day. And yet I wasn’t losing weight and I am now. What’s different? I would say my attitude is different and I’m less depressed, and that alone is probably the reason for the shift. The brain is powerful. There are many other factors as well, and although I’m eating similarly there are probably some different eating habits, but it’s hard to quantify, and I know that is not the entirety of it.

Back to the point I’m really trying to make for a moment, though. We can love our body and want to change it, the two ideas are not mutually exclusive, it’s all about looking at it from a different and, dare I say it, healthier point of view. Most people who try to lose weight are doing it from a place of body-hatred so they end up going on extreme diets or making radical changes which will not hold up in the long run. Six or so years ago I lost upwards of fifty pounds by changing my eating habits pretty drastically. I was still in “plus size” clothes, but I could shop at “small size” clothing stores mostly without a problem (I was around a 14/16), but just like most diets it didn’t last and I ended up gaining around a hundred pounds over the next five or so years.

I’m slowly working my way down, but I think that mental health is drastically overlooked when we look at weight loss. Our mind needs to be on board and we have to find ways that work for us as individuals, encourage positive reinforcement, not think in absolutes, etc. There isn’t some magical formula that you can apply and make weight disappear, it won’t happen overnight or in a month, and if it does it probably won’t last. Eating less and exercising more isn’t the answer, eating better (notice I didn’t say “less”) and exercising more is a good start, but only if it’s something you can do forever.

If we love our body, if we can love our lives and come to existence from a generally positive point of view than we can achieve more than otherwise, and do it in a better and healthier way. Health is extremely important, and you don’t need to be “small sized” in order to be healthy, and you can be size-positive and still want to be healthier.

A side note: the automatic reaction, I think, when someone expresses losing weight is to congratulate them regardless of how they did it, if it was healthy or unhealthy, etc. I think this is bullshit and simply perpetuates sizeist ideas. Next time you have the urge to do that I suggest you try finding out the underlying reasons for the weight loss rather than assuming it’s a good thing and congratulate their healthy activities rather than their weight loss itself.

International Cane-A-Slut Day 2010

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 04:23:59 +0000

Tomorrow (or today for some of you–June 6th) is International Cane-A-Slut Day, pretty much purely because we have decreed it to be so. The idea was Onyx’s originally and it was supported by @Saynine, @Mindcryme, and myself. When reminded of it a few days ago I decided I would make a webpage, twitter account, and tumblr for it and start promoting it all over. So far it’s worked.

I created a FetLife event page for it as well, which has (currently) 28 people attending and 13 people maybe attending, which is pretty good for something that I started putting out there two or so days ago. It helps that it’s not something people have to “go” to, but something we all can do in our own homes (or wherever you choose to participate).

It’s pretty much just pure silly fun, and Onyx is endlessly amused that I took his half-joking tweet and turned it into a reality. When talking to a friend about it I mentioned making a website for it because “that’s what I do” and I realized that is very much the case. I get a good idea (or take a great idea from someone else) and turn it into a project. While this one doesn’t take up a lot of time like some other projects of mine it’s just a fun annual event for one and all. Already planning for next year

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