Curt Widhalm, LMFT

Exploring the Stuckness by Danielle Bolduc

2017-05-24T16:59:00.000-07:00

Feeling stuck in therapy can be frustrating for both the client and the therapist. Stuckness appears when the therapy process is unable to move forward and surrounding feelings are difficult to access. Both clients and therapists can feel stuck. When a therapist is stuck it can feel as though you are not meeting the client’s goals and feel disconnected in the therapeutic relationship. Therapist may feel impatient or worried that the client will abruptly terminate. This is a result of the client hitting their perceived capacity at that moment causing them to shut down as a defense mechanism to indicate they have hit their maximum. Clients may say, “I don’t know” a lot, feel resistant in the room and/or may struggle with being present with the therapist.

A client may have had a breakthrough in treatment, which may lead them to an overwhelming state that causes them to be at a standstill in therapy. Clients may hold onto the fear of moving forward as a result of going deeper into their past and experiencing feelings without the tools they used to used to numb feelings, such as eating disorder behaviors. Another indicator of stuckness can be portrayed by the client’s need to put on a front that they are “fine” and better than they actually are at the moment. If the therapist is unable to perceive this underlying message, the client can easily fall back into old patterns, which can result in leaving treatment and/or relapsing.

How can clinicians work with clients when they are stuck? Use the stuckness and the therapeutic relationship that you have built with the client together and be transparent. Is it just the therapist who feels stuck? Does the client feel what the therapist is feeling? How do both the therapist and the client perceive the energy that is in the room? Self-disclosure can be helpful in this instance as the client may not be able to identify what the energy is that is causing the disconnection in the relationship. By allowing the client to know what the therapist feels is going on they have the opportunity to process and explore what is causing the client and therapist to be stuck.

As an example of this, one of my clients has been stuck in the therapy process for a couple of weeks. She struggles with constant negative thoughts about her body image and her worth as a person with no hope that it will improve. After a couple of sessions not feeling confident in my ability to help this client, I directed our attention to the stuckness. Asking questions about where she felt she was in this process and if she felt the same energy I did. The client discussed how she had felt stuck for a couple of months, but avoided talking about it because it meant she was a “bad” client or that I would be frustrated with her. Exploring the stuckness with the client and sitting in it allowed us both to identify what was underneath it all: the fear that she will always be depressed and will never be comfortable in her own skin. This turned into one our better sessions and helped her to focus on what she needed to do differently. As for clinicians, a lot can come from of a session like this by just identifying that the stuckness is present. It allows for a new look and can be the cornerstone for change!

The Power of Slowing Down by Danielle Feinerman, MA

2017-05-24T16:28:00.002-07:00

High-achieving teenagers are in a constant state of ‘doing’. Doing homework, going to school, practicing a skill…auditioning, competing, applying, volunteering, working, socializing – trying to do everything they are told to do in order to get ahead of the pack and succeed.

Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D., a child psychiatrist and author says, "Overscheduling our children is not only a widespread phenomenon, it's how we parent today.” He explains how “parents feel remiss that they're not being good parents if their kids aren't in all kinds of activities.” According to psychologist Jean Twenge’s analysis of research spanning five decades, today’s adolescents are overtaxed, overburdened, and stressed to a degree that was once seen only in child psychiatric patients.

In today’s society, it can feel like if we’re not doing something, it means that we are complacent, lazy, or a failure. For some, it is a part of family values or culture to always be doing. For others, the fear of missing out provokes too much anxiety, sadness, or feelings of isolation, especially when friends will be talking about it afterwards or posting pictures on social media. For many, it is the fear of falling behind, the fear of letting someone down, or the terrifying thought that our entire life will fall apart unless we keep doing everything all the time – that is, until we crash or burnout.

The best treatment is actually what feels most counterintuitive: slow down. However, there is compelling evidence that shows how slowing down can actually improve productiveness and increase happiness. Consider these examples:

1. Slowing down prevents burnout. Burnout is a symptom that most of us experience at some point in our lives, and guarantees a longer and more difficult process when it comes to achieving our goals. By slowing down, moving at a gentler pace and respecting the natural process, the less likely you will become fatigued, anxious, depressed, or get sick.

2. Slowing down helps you gain clarity and make better decisions. As everything moves a bit too fast it is easy to get lost. Slowing down lets us reconnect with what is most important to us, allows us to gain multiple perspectives and to think things through in a calm and clear way.

3. Slowing down helps us make fewer mistakes. Slowing your pace to be more meticulous and measured means that you will probably make fewer mistakes. And the mistakes you do make will be much easier to understand and correct.

4. Slowing down reduces stress levels. Research on mindfulness meditation (one practice of slowing down) has been shown to not only be beneficial for stress reduction, but also help your brain develop a greater capacity for cognitive tasks, attention and focus.

5. Slowing down helps us enjoy the present moment. More activities in the absence of quality slow time do not make for a better life either for you or your family. Slowing down and having unscheduled, spontaneous and unplanned time for yourself and your family is critical to both work-life balance and feeling happier.

The Trouble with Peers by Curt Widhalm, LMFT

2017-05-24T16:23:00.003-07:00

A client may have had a breakthrough in treatment, which may lead them to an overwhelming state that causes them to be at a standstill in therapy. Clients may hold onto the fear of moving forward as a result of going deeper into their past and experiencing feelings without the tools they used to used to numb feelings, such as eating disorder behaviors. Another indicator of stuckness can be portrayed by the client’s need to put on a front that they are “fine” and better than they actually are at the moment. If the therapist is unable to perceive this underlying message, the client can easily fall back into old patterns which can result in leaving treatment and/or relapsing.

T(w)eenage Parenting #18: Pants on Fire

2013-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

Your t(w)eens lies. A lot. To you. To friends. To relatives. To teachers. And without any discretion. Even when all evidence points to the contrary, your t(w)eens continue to lie. The topic doesn’t even matter. Whether it’s about chores, social interactions, grooming, homework, their whereabouts, or their plans, they continue to lie. It may seem like the lying is nonstop and you can't effectively change it.

Why t(w)eens lie

Developmentally, lying is considered a growth milestone that occurs around age four or five. Many toddlers will deceive before this age, but it is typically after this age that a child’s motivations to lie become motivated by deception rather than by a motivation to please. Over the t(w)een years, your t(w)een starts to lie for a myriad of other reasons, including learning how to be better at lying.

Why does a t(w)een need to be better at lying? Think of the degrees of lying, some of which have socially sanctioned names, such as “white lies”, “truthiness”, and “shades of gray”. Sometimes parents encourage their children to lie, such as thanking someone for a less than desirable gift. Sometimes parents lie to their children, and then need the children to perpetuate the lies for younger siblings, which is seen in the cases of the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus. As t(w)eens mature and recognize that sometimes lying is ok or even encouraged, they will test different situations by using trial and error with varying degrees of lying.

T(w)eens also lie to avoid consequences. In these situations, it is easy to understand what is being gained by lying. By avoiding consequences, t(w)eens don’t lose out on privileges or have to serve out punishments.

Social motivation is also the cause of lies. These lies can include stories about belongings or experiences, neither of which may actually be true. What these deceptions have in common is that they are often based on the attention of others. That attention can include an improvement in social standing from their peers or from others who the t(w)eens hold in high regard. What adults recognize in these situations that t(w)eens often don’t is the consequences when these lies eventually fall apart, mainly the significant drop in social status and the loss of other people’s trust.

T(w)eens also lie to save face and to hide their shortcomings. Whether or not it is done intentionally, many t(w)eens will lie so that they can perpetuate the idea that they are good child. Many t(w)eens operate under a system of “all good” or “all bad” when it comes to their own self-concept, and they believe that other people operate under the same system. T(w)eens don’t want to believe that they are bad and don’t want others to think so, either. When they lie, they are trying to convince themselves and others that they are not bad. By this logic, however faulty it is, they believe that being “not bad” is the same as being good. What they fail to realize is that the lying is often considered by others to be an action done by bad people.

A lot of what lying boils down to is freedom for the t(w)eens; they want to be seen as responsible individuals, free of being told what to do and how to behave. Unfortunately, t(w)eens aren’t very good at seeing how their lies may play out in the eyes of others, then get frustrated that they aren’t trusted anymore when things backfire. This is where many parents find themselves listening to promises of “I won’t do it again” or “I will change.” These are situations that can become traps for entire families, because often it sets up t(w)eens to be caught in yet another lie or it puts parents in a situation where they can no longer trust what their t(w)eens tell them. Repeated enough times, this can lead to a cycle of mistrust that exists into adulthood and fractures relationships for years to come.

What to do about it

Many parents are under the impression that their t(w)een should never lie, especially to them. So when your t(w)een lies to you, you suffer not only from the contents of the deception, but also from the hurt of the act of lying. The logical question that many parents ask in this situation is, “What can I do to make my t(w)een stop lying to me?” Unfortunately, there isn’t just one solution. Just as there are different reasons for lying, there are as different ways to address them.

First, you need to change your approach. When you know information about your t(w)een, don’t set him up to lie to you. So when you find out that your t(w)een went to a party last weekend rather than going to the library, don’t ask him, “Where were you last weekend?” Instead, tell him the information that you do know and let him react accordingly. When you respond this way, you are modeling honesty yourself and being straightforward about your role as a parent. If he continues to lie, state the facts again: that he lied to you, you know where he was, and he has lied to you again despite being given the chance to come clean.

Second, stop lying to and in front of your t(w)een. Remember that t(w)eens will sniff out any double standards, so if you expect them to stop lying to you, stop lying to them. You probably don’t even know often much you lie on a daily basis. A 1997 University of Virginia study asked people to track their lies over the course of a week—and subjects reported that they lied nearly 30% of the time, and they didn’t even include social pleasantries (answering “I’m fine” to “How are you?”). So the next time that you’re late, even if it’s more convenient to say that you were stuck in traffic, remember that you are modeling honesty.

Next, it helps to figure out the reason that your t(w)een is lying in the first place. Is the lie about getting chores done so that your t(w)een can go out with friends? Or is the lie about your t(w)een’s whereabouts after school yesterday? Each type of lie needs to be addressed for what it is. In one case, your t(w)een is trying to avoid responsibility, while in the other he is lying about something that he shouldn’t have been doing in the first place. Addressing the type of lie will help you to understand why your t(w)een is lying in the first place. If he’s trying to go out with friends, is it because he’s trying to impress new people? If he’s untruthful about his whereabouts, is he trying to impress new people who aren’t good role models? Once you know the reason for lying, you can help your t(w)een problem solve in the future or address the issue in a more straightforward manner.

When you do catch your t(w)een lying to you, you have a choice of how to respond. Is it more important to be the disciplinarian? If so, you may be sending the message to your t(w)een that he can’t come to you with information that will make you mad. Instead, think of the t(w)eenage years as the time to move into more of a coaching role, including coaching on emotions. So when he lies to you, make it a point to calmly talk about your own hurt about being lied to, and deal with the contents of the lie as a separate matter.

When you feel that lying has become your t(w)een’s way of dealing with everything, it can become even more frustrating and stressful for you. Instead of attempting to address each and every lie, make a general observation to your t(w)een about how much he seems to be lying and how hard it is to trust him. Have a serious discussion with him about ways that he can show that he is being truthful, then give him the honest chance to follow through.

Spending time with your t(w)een on a day-to-day basis will also help build a stronger relationship, which will help to lower the amount of lying. Engaging in activities with your t(w)een, of your t(w)een’s choosing, will help to create trust between the two of you. This way, your t(w)een won’t see you merely as a disciplinarian who must be avoided, but as someone who is genuinely interested in him and his interests. I suggest that you choose time when you are doing an activity together, not just staring at a TV screen. If you do find yourself watching a TV show or movie during your daily time together, ask your t(w)een about his thoughts about it after it ends.

The long and the short of it

In all likelihood, your t(w)een will probably continue to lie. It may seem like your t(w)een lies just for the sake of lying sometimes. Keep your reactions in check. Respond to the lies as something separate from the contents of the lie. Be a good role mode and encourage honesty from your t(w)een.

In Response to the Commenters from "I am Adam Lanza's Mother"

2012-12-17T12:55:00.000-08:00

In the wake of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, a beautiful blog titled "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" was posted by Liza Long and has been shared by many people on Facebook. I am impressed by the outpouring of support that many of the people on my Facebook feed have shown, especially by those who have come out with their own stories about parenting a child with mental illness. It's unfortunate that these are some of the only times that these parents will be heard because their struggles truly happen on a day-to-day basis. Unfortunately, there seems to be a community that is also responding to this article with suggestions filled with dangerous and insensitive hate and ignorance.

The range of suggestions are downright scary and many threaten the progress that enables the freedoms that we enjoy in this country. What these commenters are unable to see is that these are not merely children that need a spanking to "straighten them out." These are children who suffer an illness that doesn't have a cure yet. Their response when stressed isn't to think about the consequences afterward, but to react in a way that allows them out of the situation, which can include anything from screaming and yelling to hitting, biting, and attacking. It's not a choice--it's part of the condition. This is akin to telling a child with diabetes that if his blood sugar gets too low, he should think sweet thoughts or telling a cancer patient that he should encourage his healthy cells to do better. I myself have worked with many families who have decided to become stricter and firmer and use stronger forms of discipline, only to realize that at some point, the child grows bigger and stronger and can't be restrained anymore. Further, through the process, the child learns that when he gets angry, it's going to be met with physical resistance, so fighting and being angrier is the best way out of the situation.

For those commenters who suggest that the family members failed, please visit a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting and listen to the families that struggle with these choices. There is pain and guilt involved in every decision. Their lives can be dominated by trying to find answers with hours spent in the waiting rooms of therapists while their loved ones struggle themselves. It's not a choice to have mentally ill children, siblings, or parents. The reason that you don't hear from these family members is because of the rude reactions by the public. Rather than taking the time to understand mental illness, many people in public are quick to make disparaging comments that call into question or shame the individuals and the family. Day after day, it becomes easier to stay away from the public than it is to deal with the ridicule and torment.

One particularly appalling comment suggested stripping the rights and freedoms away from those with mental illness. In the comment thread that followed, the original poster defended his rights to guns (I promise I'm not making this a gun issue) as well as suggested locking up those who have mental illnesses. Unfortunately, we aren't that far removed from the Willowbrook State School where individuals with mental illnesses and developmental disabilities were crowded into some of the most inhumane conditions in our lifetimes--for the only reason that they were identified as being mentally ill. For the same reasons that we retain our rights in this country, so does everyone else. We give everyone the chance to succeed. We don't want to push people away from mental health even further. Making policies to criminalize mental illness will only push people who can and do receive help and success away from their therapists, medications, and treatments. Marginalizing those who do receive treatment even further takes away the opportunities for them to succeed and contribute successfully to our society.

I can't address every type of comment on that thread, but it really boils down to a lack of awareness about mental illness and developmental disabilites. Many more details are going to emerge about Adam Lanza in the following days and weeks. Be respectful to those who have supportive stories and take the time to listen-to actually listen to their experience-rather than offering up a suggestion about what they need. Hopefully you never have an family member go through these struggles, but that doesn't mean that you have to take away the rights of those who do.

T(w)eenage Parenting #17: Cutting and Self Injury

2012-12-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

The thought of a t(w)een who is self-cutting evokes the image of gothic adolescent listening to The Cure all alone with a razor blade. However, when we really look at the behaviors and emotions that surround a t(w)een who is cutting, we see that these stereotypes don't apply to all t(w)eens who cut.

What is Cutting?

Cutting is a self-injurious behavior in an attempt at body-mutilation. While cutting is typically done with sharp objects, such as knives, razors, or scissors, it can also be done by repetitively rubbing any object over the same area, including zippers, erasers, and pen caps. The cutting is not done with the intent to commit suicide, although it may seem like it due to cuts that accidentally go too deep. There is also a different psychological drive than those who attempt suicide by cutting their wrists.

The psychological differences between self-injury and suicidality are different enough that the American Psychiatric Association is likely to create a new diagnostic category in 2013 for Non-Suicidal Self Injury. The proposed diagnosis uses criteria that the injuries are not caused with the intent of suicide as either reported by the patient or by looking at the patterns of the injuries over the course of the last year (the proposal suggests a minimum of five such injuries over the past twelve months). Another distinction is that the t(w)een engaging in the acts knows that the method being used does not have lethal intention, which is often seen in the superficial depth of the wounds, as opposed to the deeper wounds associated with suicide attempts.

Research from the 1990's suggested that less than 3% of all 10-18-year-olds engaged in cutting behaviors. Most current research investigates cutting behaviors in t(w)eens as a demographic, but does not examine differences between genders. The few reports that do separate males and females suggest that while only 8-10% of males engage in cutting behaviors, as many as 20% of females in this age range are cutting themselves with sharp objects or burning themselves with matches or lighters. A 2008 study from Yale University found that 56% of 10-14-year-old females had engaged in self-injury, including 36% in the past year. But these gender differences only tell part of the story.

Who is Cutting?

While females are more likely to cut, there are even more specific demographics and behaviors that may dictate who is most likely to engage in self-harming behaviors. Caucasian females who are in middle or high school who come from in-tact, middle or upper class families are the most likely to cut. Typically, but not always, the t(w)eens who engage in this type of behavior are high-achievers who attempt to maintain a picture of perfection surrounding them and their achievements.

Why is this group so prevalent? The t(w)eens who engage in these behaviors have a difficulty expressing their feelings, which can lead to extreme emotional reactions to minor occurrences, such as a small argument with a parent or friend. These girls also have the most to lose socially by having emotional blow-ups. Cutting allows for a physical release of the built up emotional pain without creating a scene that would risk a loss of social status. This is also why wounds are most often hidden; in order to protect their social status and image of perfection, t(w)een girls will conceal the evidence.

Males tend to not have the same repercussions for emotional blow-ups. Sometimes, these are encouraged, such as using the emotion in football or other aggressive arenas. The general idea is that males act outwardly, where females act inwardly. Males who usually engage in cutting behaviors tend to have few friends or are otherwise considered outcasts by their peers. The behavior may also be an act of aggression toward someone else.

What to Watch for

T(w)eens who engage in cutting typically exhibit certain behaviors or signs to hide the marks left from their injuries. Signs that a t(w)een is cutting include wearing long-sleeve shirts or long pants during warm weather, wearing thick wristbands or watches that are never removed, having unexplained marks on the body, reports of being clumsy that lead to suspicious scrapes or bruises, spending lengthy periods of time alone, having friends or peers who are reportedly cutting, and the disappearance of items that can be used for cutting (knives, razors, safety pins, etc.).

Cutting can take on addictive qualities, both physically and emotionally. From a physical standpoint, the body produces a rush of endorphins, which are the body's "feel good" chemicals that counteract the initial pain. Emotionally, however, it becomes a habitual way to tolerate difficult emotional responses to stressors. In these cases the addiction to cutting isn't for the physical rush, but as the "go to" response for stress relief, which can be anything from too much homework to breaking up with a boyfriend. Eventually, if left untreated, the t(w)een feels the need to cut more frequently as it does not produce the same emotional release as before.

A few months ago, I had a client in my practice that reported cutting behaviors. The client reported engaging in the behavior during school with friends, purely as a social activity. In these cases, cutting can be seen as attention-seeking from peers. What may have started with one person who has deeper psychological problems has turned into a social status symbol. Much in the same way that peer groups can go through eating disorders at the same time (binge groups or restricting groups), cutting can become a fad, too. In these groups, the cutting can escalate much more quickly as the scars become signs that state, "Look how much pain I can tolerate."

How Parents Should Respond

If you suspect or know that your child is engaging in cutting, your response can dictate the course of the treatment. Many parents initial reactions range from disbelief to outright rage. I find that many parents try to rationalize with their t(w)eens, making such statements as, "What were you thinking? Didn't you know it was going to hurt for days afterward?!", or "Don't you know what you are doing to your body long-term?!" While these are completely normal emotional reactions from parents, they aren't necessarily the most productive from the t(w)een's standpoint, and can actually make the cutting behaviors worse. Remember, the t(w)eens who engage in these behaviors typically have difficulty expressing their feelings, so putting them on the spot with a barrage of questions isn't going to provide them with a safe, emotional atmosphere to open up to you.

You may not realize that you could be contributing to the problems at home. Pushing kids to be high achievers or to avoid showing weakness can have negative effects. If your response in the past has been to dictate and control aspects of your t(w)een's life, you may want to give more emotional space to your t(w)een to let her speak up about her own experiences. While it can be anxiety-provoking for parents to hear what is happening with their t(w)eens, it is important for parents to keep their own emotions in check. This means accepting that you are having an emotional reaction and admitting that you are having the emotion to your t(w)een. For instance, this can sound like, "I'm afraid of what you're going through."

Some parents fear that if they are too supportive of their t(w)een, then the t(w)een will take it as permission to continue cutting. While this may be true in some cases, you really want to establish open communication between you and your t(w)een about cutting behaviors. From a purely risk-reduction standpoint, you are better off knowing about the cutting than having your t(w)een continue to hide the behavior from you. By acknowledging that there is an issue, you and your t(w)een can begin finding appropriate ways to handle responses to stress.

The best thing that you can do is to learn more about cutting and have your t(w)een evaluated by a therapist for the severity of the cutting behaviors and any underlying factors. Know that not all cutting behaviors need to be treated through prolonged therapy, as in the cases of social cutting. These behaviors occur on a spectrum and can range from very serious to somewhat benign. The best way to find out is through open communication.

T(w)eenage Parenting #16: Anger is your t(w)een’s middle name (Part One)

2012-09-05T11:00:00.003-07:00

You aren’t crazy. Your t(w)een is overreacting to everything, doesn’t respect anything you say or do, and seems to know everything. Nothing that you can say or do that is right, you never know what the reaction is going to be, and you even start to mistrust your own judgment. When you question your own sanity, something needs to change.

It’s biology’s fault

The good news is that your t(w)een is not (entirely) choosing to act this way. Researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA conducted a study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to compare how teens and adults process emotions. The results showed that adults processed emotions in the frontal cortex region of the brain, which is roughly the size of an adult’s fist. Teens, however, processed emotions in the amygdala, which is roughly almond-sized. This difference is significant because of the roles that these two brain structures play in a fully developed human brain.

The frontal cortex is responsible for executive functioning. This is the part of the brain responsible for guiding intelligent thoughts, actions, and emotions. It is also responsible for inhibiting inappropriate thoughts, actions, feelings, and distractions. The pre-frontal cortex occupies a larger percentage of the human brain than in any other mammal. This is one of the last sections of the entire body to develop and may not be fully functioning until the age of twenty-five. Comparatively, the amygdala is part of the limbic system, which is a set of brain structures shared by mammals and reptiles and is primarily used in the storage of memories. It also assists in the processing of internal emotions and their of others—especially anger and aggression. Until the frontal cortex is fully developed, the amygdala takes on some of its responsibilities.

In other words, your t(w)een’s brain is overloading a very small structure with the responsibilities intended for something much larger. Additionally, the specialty of this small structure is anger and aggression—so when it becomes overloaded, there is likely to be an oncoming outburst. Reactions, not rational thought, guide this area of the brain.

“I knew my t(w)een wasn’t all there!”

This isn’t to say that your t(w)een isn’t responsible for the angry reactions. Just because biology gives t(w)eens a disadvantage doesn’t mean that they are pardoned for their erratic moods and behaviors. It does mean that parents need to have a little bit of understanding when it comes to responding to their t(w)eens’ reactions. Always remember that you are the adult in charge, which means that you are the one who is responsible for being the mature person in the room.

The struggle that many parents encounter is the activation of their own amygdala. When presented with an angry person (including one’s own child), the brain activates the “fight or flight” response in the limbic system. In this scenario, the limbic system is telling the body to prepare to fight or run away. As adults, the frontal cortex will override the amygdala, but not before that initial urge to engage your t(w)een’s anger. Responding in a cool and collected manner will encourage your t(w)een to calm down as well. In these events, you want to encourage appropriate communication, and the most effective way to do that is to model the appropriate tone and volume. If you respond by yelling and screaming, you are giving your t(w)een the permission to do the same.

You also need to be aware of placing too much attention on angry behaviors. Nagging a t(w)een will lead to resentment and frustration, while focusing on what is being done correctly will emphasize appropriate behaviors for the future. Creating a positive environment will lead to more positive behaviors from everyone involved.

Feelings aren’t a bad thing

One mistake that many parents make is encouraging their children to not be angry. This is probably one of the least productive things that can be said to a t(w)een, for a variety of reasons. The thought behind this is, “If the t(w)een doesn’t get angry, then he won’t act out, and then he won’t get into trouble.” However, this does not work.

First of all, it is not the feelings that are bad, it is the behaviors that are associated with the feelings that are the cause for trouble. What many parents are not able to explain clearly, is that the t(w)een can be angry and that there is an appropriate way to express that anger. Typically, parents don’t recognize an appropriate anger reaction, which can then lead to the build-up of more anger and a bigger anger explosion. Make it a practice to listen to your t(w)eens’ views (even if they are about you) and validate their viewpoints, even if you disagree with them. To do it appropriately, it should sound like a summary of what you have just been told, “I hear that you are angry that I won’t let you stay out with your friends on Friday night.” You don’t have to agree with their viewpoints, but validating their ideas will help move things along in the conversation.

Second, the “Don’t be angry” message invalidates a t(w)een’s perceptions of the world. This message implicitly tells a t(w)een, “You are wrong. Stop being you.” T(w)eens are already insecure enough about everything that is going on in their lives; they are unsure about their roles socially and personally, and they want to be seen as productive and perfect. This message undermines all of the things that they are trying to be, tells them to stop developing their own viewpoints, and doesn’t give them anything to do instead. You always want to encourage your t(w)een with things that can be done in place of their outbursts, such as cooling off by themselves rather than screaming at you.

Lastly, the “Don’t get angry” message doesn’t necessarily look at the whole picture. While you may be trying to address the earliest stage in the anger process, you may fail to look at what is causing the anger in the first place. Finding solutions to the anger-causing problems will consistently produce the best and longest-lasting results. For example, a t(w)een who is overwhelmed by not having enough time to complete homework, while another t(w)een may be getting angry at perceiving being treated differently than other siblings in the house. In both of these cases, either by changing the schedule or by changing the treatment of the children in the house, it sets up the t(w)een to be less likely to direct anger inappropriately.

Not all anger needs to be addressed

Without the anger-management skills that come with maturity and experience, we can expect t(w)eens to express their anger in many different ways. One of the more common ways that t(w)eens express anger is through passive-aggressive comments or actions, such as mumbling under their breath, rolling their eyes, or stomping around the house. While not the most pleasant behaviors to be around, these particular behaviors are ways of letting the anger out a little bit at a time. You could choose to make an issue out of each of these little steps, but you would do so at the risk of creating a bigger explosion. If the phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind, this are the situations where it applies the most. The time to address these behaviors is when they are occurring in public or in front of guests.

When you do decide to address anger, make sure that you do so in a consistent manner. If you haphazardly choose to address the expression of anger in some situations but not others, or in some of your children and not others, then you risk not having your message come across at all. The easiest way for you to do this is to set the rule and the consequence and let your t(w)een’s actions dictate the follow-up. This will teach your t(w)een responsibility without causing you all of the anxiety of preventing the rule from being broken in the first place.

The anger that must be consistently addressed is anything that involves physicality. Physical aggression is never okay and must be dealt with calmly, consistently, and appropriately. At times, this means seeking the help of a professional to identify patterns and strategies that apply specifically to that t(w)een and family. It may be difficult to convince your t(w)een to accept help, but it is a small price to pay when people’s safety is involved.

T(w)eenage Parenting #15: Back to School

2012-08-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

It is time for one of the most joyous times of the year for many parents: the days when your t(w)een goes back to school and has to be dealt with by somebody else for seven solid hours out of the day! Unfortunately, it also means the return of arguing, whining, nagging, and eye-rolling—and that’s just on your end. There are also the hours of homework, sports and instrument practice, socialization, and family time that must be arranged around this new schedule. Most parents look at the weeks before school and recite the same chorus that has been sung through the ages: THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!

Is it really?

What is it that you are going to do to make this year different? Were you successful in making last year different from the one before that? Who is making the decision on what to change and who is the most motivated to make the changes permanent?

One of the most common changes that parents implement at this time of year is “getting back into the habit of bedtime”. As adults, we see this as a time to help the body get into the habit of sleeping and waking so that mornings won’t involve so much crankiness and the first weeks of school won’t be so much of a shock. However, t(w)eens seemingly see this as a final assault on the perceived freedoms allowed by the last weeks of summer vacation. While this does sort of practice does not seem like it is fruitful during the practice week, it does make the first week of school somewhat less tense for everybody involved—even if there is still a struggle to get everyone out of bed on time.

I bring up this practice of sleeping and waking because it highlights how to measure success. No matter how well you and your t(w)een practice bedtimes, a part of you knows that there will be mornings during the first weeks of school when your t(w)een won’t get out of bed. Even if your t(w)een gets out of bed on time most days, parents have a tendency to be biased in their thoughts and arguments based on the more emotionally charged events that occur. In these cases, the one day that your t(w)een oversleeps, the ensuing argument will be more emotional and more memorable, making it seem as if your t(w)een always oversleeps.

But my t(w)een oversleeps all the time!

Your t(w)een may oversleep a lot, but I’m sure that your t(w)een has a different opinion. This is why it is important to make sure you set clear, specific goals so both you and your t(w)een understand the desired outcomes. It is much easier to set vague goals, but in order to know if you are succeeding, you need to have some idea of what success looks like. If the goal is for your t(w)een to do better at waking up in the morning, what exactly does better look like? Your t(w)een may think that getting up in the morning is going better because he hasn’t received any tardies, but you may think that things are going horribly because you are having to stop back at the school later in the day to drop off all of the belonging that he didn’t have time to prepare on his way out the door.

However, having set concrete goals allows for you and your t(w)een to easily see just how much success you are having. Rather than a goal of “doing better”, try being more specific by having a goal of “being out of bed, dressed, and to the breakfast table by 6:30”. In the second example, there is little room for argument on whether or not the goal is met. The room for interpretation is removed and there is one less thing to argue about during the morning rush.

It is also important to make sure that your goal is reasonable. This means that you want to make sure that outside factors aren’t going to sabotage the chances of success. Does your t(w)een have practice until 9:00 p.m. most nights? Then it may not be fair to have super high expectations for productivity in the mornings. Use your best judgment in these cases.

Setting the goals

Now that you have an idea of how to be specific and reasonable, you are all ready to begin setting goals, right? Not so fast! You’re t(w)een isn’t there with you. One of the mistakes that many parents make at this time of year is setting goals without asking for any input from their t(w)eens. What are goals without their input? In your t(w)een’s eyes, these are just more rules to follow, complain about, or ignore altogether.

This isn’t to say that you should leave the goal-setting entirely up to your t(w)een. The point is to start a conversation about making improvements or being successful during the school year. Properly set goals can inspire, challenge, and motivate anyone to reach their highest levels of achievement. It helps most families to have specific areas to focus their goals. These may be good starting points:

-What are your goals for grades this year?

-What are your goals for organization (backpack, room, locker, etc…)?

-What are your goals for extracurricular activities?

While these are just a few areas, you can certainly come up with many more. Since this is the beginning of the conversation, this is also the time when you can give some of your own input.

It is only fair for the whole family to join in and set goals. If you, as the parents, exclude yourselves from this process, you can expect very little follow through from your tweens. Each person can have individual goals for the year, and I also encourage that goals are set for the entire family, too. These goals may take the form of, “Everyone home and doing an activity together on Wednesday nights at 7:00” or “TV is off during mealtimes.”

Setting the goals is only the beginning—you must also make sure that you are measuring your progress and celebrating your successes. When you are setting your goals, make sure that you schedule regular times to review your progress. Think of how well you’ve done on reaching your New Year’s Resolution. If you haven’t checked your progress lately, chances are you haven’t kept your resolution. T(w)eens are even worse at keeping long-term goals in mind, so it takes some extra responsibility on your part to help them develop this skill. By following through, you’re getting rid of the excuses to not succeed. Once you and your t(w)eens reach your goals, make a big deal about the accomplishment and celebrate your successes!

Other considerations

In addition to setting goals about home and school, you may want to consider using this time of year as an opportunity to talk about growth in other areas of life. Your t(w)een’s identity is not entirely based on school success, so all of the goals shouldn’t focus just on this one area. Be prepared and respectful of any goals that your t(w)een may bring up that may not be tied directly to academics.

Furthermore, you may want to come up with goals that are tied to more abstract concepts. Your t(w)een may be expressing a desire for more independence, but may not necessarily know how to ask for it—other than those times when your t(w)een is yelling that you “always tell them what to do”. This is a good time to open a discussion about the behaviors you expect in order for your t(w)een to earn more independence, such as completing daily chores and nightly homework without having to be reminded.

When it comes to supporting your t(w)een in reaching these goals, it is important that you first provide emotional support, but don’t be so quick to jump in and offer more direct support. It is important for you to ask questions about your t(w)een’s thought processes and satisfaction in their progress toward their goals, but letting your t(w)een struggle to will help teach self-reliance and will build more self-satisfaction when the goal is completed. You also want to be careful not to undermine your t(w)een by jumping in and doing the work yourself.

It’s also developmentally normal and healthy for t(w)een interests and ideas to change quickly, so be aware that goals may change. Use your best judgment on which goals need to be maintained for the entire year, and which ones you can let change from week to week. Overemphasizing commitment can interfere with finding a self-identity—which is the biggest developmental goal for t(w)eens. Encourage your t(w)een to stick with the things that they are good at to make it clear that those activities are worthwhile.

T(w)eenage Parenting #14: Dating: Teen Edition

2012-06-14T14:09:00.003-07:00

Last month, I wrote about handling dating for tweens. As a follow-up, this month is dedicated to dating issues surrounding parents of high-school aged teens.

It starts with you

First things first, dating and relationship attitudes start with you, often long before your child hits the teenage years. How you view dating and marriage will determine the expectations that your teen will develop once he or she hits high school. If you want your teen to wait until the age of 16 to start dating, and you clearly state your message, your teen will grow up with the attitude that 16 is the age to start dating. On a different note, if you believe that dating shouldn’t happen until much later, you need to be clear about what “later” means to you. The most important tool is to be consistent with your messages and expectations.

Whether or not your teen actually seems to be listening to you, one message that is being paid attention to is your approach to relationships. Parents base their thoughts and actions on previous and current relationships. However, teens don’t have these histories and tend to model their relationship styles after the one that is most familiar…yours. The interaction patterns between you and your partner are setting the groundwork for the ways that your teen will default in interactions with a boyfriend or girlfriend. This may scare some parents who are trying to encourage their teens to be respectful and courteous to dating partners, yet can’t show how to compromise and listen themselves. Some parents may be wondering right now about how to teach their teens a different pattern of behaviors than what happens at home. The answer is: change the behaviors at home.

Speak the same language

Changes in interests are bound to occur from generation to generation, just as the language that is used by the teens of that generation. It’s important for parents to know and use the same language as their teens, otherwise you might be running the risk of talking about entirely different subjects. The changes in language occur so quickly that it may not even apply from older teens to younger teens, so have your teen define what he or she means when talking about a relationship. What many parents may consider as dating, teens may refer to as “hanging out,” “chilling,” or “hooking up.” These terms may not even mean the same thing from teen to teen and may range in definition from spending time with someone in a large group of friends all the way up to and including engaging in sexual activities. These labels serve the purpose not only to allow for dating behaviors behind an unsuspecting parent’s back, but also create a psychological safety net by not classifying a relationship into a serious, committed category. More simply, when the relationship goes bad, it is much easier emotionally to “stop hanging out” with someone than it is to “break up.”

When you are talking with your teen, you also want them to know what you are talking about when you bring up your viewpoints. I recently came across a survey written from the viewpoint of a teenager. The questions were variations of the following: What does a parent mean when they say ‘Where are you going tonight?’ A) ‘Where are you going tonight?’ B) ‘Where are you going tonight and who is it with?’ C) ‘Where are you going tonight, who is it with, and is it safe?’. Obviously this was meant to be humorous, but it does highlight that parents can also be guilty of not communicating clearly and effectively. More simply, if you want your teens to communicate effectively, you must be the one that models the appropriate behaviors and patterns. Otherwise, you run the risk of sending mixed messages. Remember, when given the choice of following your words or examples, most teens will choose the one that’s easier.

Everything has changed

Parents have done a good job of encouraging their teens to go on group dates. Initially, this provides a level of safety in the dating atmosphere (and peace of mind for parents) by allowing a teen to be able to rely on others in the group if there are uncomfortable situations. However, this is a double-edged sword. In groups, teens must now face the peer pressures that come along with these situations, such as pressure to drink alcohol. These teens may have a harder time speaking up because they don’t want to stand out from the group in front of a date.

Teens no longer wait by the phone waiting for a phone call from a crush. Instead, many dates are set through text messages or Facebook. Since teens also meet each other online, the dates may be set with others who don’t even attend the same school. For parents, this means that there is less interaction with a child’s dating partners and less opportunities to get to know the personality of who your child is dating. A parent’s imagination can create many different scenarios with that limited amount of information.

One major worry for parents is about their teens having sex. If it isn’t scary enough to worry about what is happening out on a date, it’s also important to know that the RAND Corporation has found that teen sex is most likely to occur between 3:00 and 6:00 p.m., which is the time after school when most parents are still at work. Friends and peers who talk about having sex are indicators that a teen may feel pressured to also have sex, so listen to hear if your teen is reporting about classmates who are having sex.

Boundaries

Parents can make lists of rules for their teens to follow when it comes to dating, but it is much easier and better for your relationship with your teen to set boundaries instead. What’s the difference? Rules tend to be set by a person in power (i.e. the parent) and are often viewed by the other person (i.e. the teen) as a line in the sand that will need to be crossed. On the other hand, boundaries are the result of discussions that lead to what’s best for everyone involved. Boundaries are a mutual agreement set in advance by the people in the discussion.

When it comes to your teen’s dating, it’s important to set the boundaries ahead of time. Perhaps the most important boundary of all that you want to set is that you are a loving and caring parent who wishes the best for your teen. Serious discussions about the transition into an independent adult are necessary for your teen to fully feel like the lines of communication are open between the two of you. Next, have discussions about your own expectations of your teen’s dating. These can include anything from curfews to meeting your teen’s date before they leave for the evening.

Just as important as setting boundaries with your teen, it is also necessary to make sure that your teen is able to set their own boundaries with their potential dates. To help your teen better be able to do this, help them to answer questions about their potential (or future) date, such as: “What kind of person am I willing to date?”, “What kinds of behavior am I willing to deal with from someone?”, and “Who can I turn to when I need help?” With this last question, be sure that you aren’t sending mixed messages by saying that you will be supportive, but end up blaming your teen when the situation arises.

There may be some situations that are obvious to you that aren’t quite as obvious to your teen. For example, if your teen wants to date someone who is much older or younger, you will need to have a discussion not only about the differences in maturity levels, friends, and privileges, but also about the potential legal situations that may arise. You may also be the first to notice that a dating partner is mistreating your teen, or is being disrespectful to you. Lastly, you will also have the best view of how dating affects your teens grades and mood. It is best to outline this ahead of time, and if any major changes are noticed, then dating can wait until things are back under control.

Make sure that you are upfront with your teen, especially on the tough issues, such as boundaries and sex. Even if he or she doesn’t want to hear it from you, you are giving the gift of being clear about your ideas. In turn, this empowers your teen to be able to be upfront about his or her own ideas, which will hopefully line up with yours. You won’t know until you sit down and talk (and listen).

T(w)eenage Parenting #13: Tween Dating

2012-05-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

A parent of a 12-year-old suggested that I write an article on how to handle her son’s recent desire to start dating. She expressed that she did not necessarily know of any good resources to help her talk with her son about the issues that surround dating, such as what “dating” means, healthy boundaries, sexuality, and the inevitable break-ups that will occur. During my research for this newsletter, I found a lot of contradicting advice coming from a lot of different resources—including some information from people that are posing as professionals. Based on the large amount of information and the very different developmental maturities involved, I have decided that I am going to approach the topic of dating based on two separate age groups: tweens (through middle school) and teens (high school).

What is tween dating?

Dating for tweens may start innocently enough. Agreeing to “go out” with someone provides an opportunity to try out adult-like roles that are becoming more and more present in marketing that is directed to tweens. Even though most tweens are not emotionally capable of handling a dating relationship, many aspire to be in these relationships. A 2008 study by the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) and TRU (a youth-market research firm) and funded Liz Claiborne, Inc. revealed that half of tweens between the ages of 11-14 say they have been in a dating relationship. Additionally, 60% thought that parents should allow tweens to date. The striking thing about this research is that it is conducted and funded by companies that influence the future marketing to this age demographic. You can bet that the marketing people used this information to have TV shows and commercials place tween actors into dating situations.

Today, “dating” is actually a term used as a social safetynet for tweens. It provides the safety of appearing more grown-up to peers without the risk of being teased for “liking” someone. The vast majority of tweens believe that dating someone means saying “I like you” directly to someone, holding hands, or sending dozens of text messages to each other on a daily basis. For most tweens, “dating” serves as a way to develop a deeper emotional friendship.

They don’t even talk

Many tween dating relationships happen through digital media. This can mean messages through Facebook or through texting, which many tweens see as being just as important in relationship development as actually talking to someone. In fact, some tween “couples” may not even know how to talk to each other in person. A February article in The Wall Street Journal described a 14-year-old couple that were “more than friends” who would send each other over 300 text messages a day, but were socially awkward around each other and couldn’t maintain a conversation. While this type of relationship may sound innocent enough, it does lend itself to the possibility of the relationship turning into one that includes sexting—where sexually explicit messages and pictures are sent back and forth.

The digital relationships are also ripe for break-ups being handled poorly. Not only is it possible to receive a text message that disintegrates the relationship, but the aftermath can be devastating, too. After a break-up, a jilted tween can take to Facebook, Twitter, or any of the various other social media to spread rumors and gossips about their ex. With so many tweens connected through these media platforms, the rumors can be spread much more quickly than many parents ever imagined. This type of gossip can quickly turn peer groups inside out and against one another, can lead to cyberbullying, and can lead a tween being outcast or rejected at school the following day. Depending on the nature of the situation, the peers may even know the news before the tween!

Fears for parents

Knowing that tweens are emotionally unprepared for dating, parents fear that the relationships will turn into sexual relationships as well. Many parents don’t want to face the idea that their tween is developing sexually any earlier than necessary. After all, the same child that still needs to be walked across a busy street can’t possibly be ready for sex, right?

Data on this issue can be troubling. The same 2008 survey by NDVH and TRU revealed that 28% of kids between the ages off 11 and 14 believe that oral sex and intercourse are expected in a dating relationship. Nearly 10% of those tweens reported that they had gone further than kissing or making out. More than a third in the survey reported that they knew of friends who had been pressured by a dating partner to “do things that they didn’t want.” Rates of verbal abuse in the relationships are also reported to be above 40%, which generally starts as name calling, but progresses into more controlling behaviors over time.

That’s it! No dating!

Dating at earlier ages leads to experimenting with sex at earlier ages. Johanna Wright, a health teacher in New Jersey, stated, “What parents don’t understand is these kids are experimenting with things in middle school that their parents did when they were in college. Kids are seeing things on TV and on the internet and acting them out. We are experiencing a sexual revolution and it’s only getting worse.” She reports that she is counseling younger and younger children who have contracted STDs and are engaging in sexual behaviors, sometimes even at school.

The natural instinct of most parents would be to not allow their tweens to date at all. However, this may be counterproductive, especially if your tween is already dating. If you only say no, your tween may learn how to date behind your back. In these situations, you will be seen as someone who cannot be approached with questions about dating, the opposite gender, and sexuality. This leaves the primary sources of information to be TV, the internet, and equally misinformed peers. It also increases the likelihood that a tween will engage in riskier behaviors, such as vandalizing property or trying drugs.

What do I do?

The best way for you to make sure that your tweens get the information that you want them to get about dating and sexuality is to be the one who provides them with that information. For the most part, health classes don’t cover dating and sexuality until long after tweens have been exposed to media messages about dating and sexuality. I frequently see parents who express a denial about their tweens’ development and refuse to talk about dating, yet their children have no problem reciting the lyrics to Rihanna’s S & M.

It’s important to know that your first reactions to your tweens’ initial interest in dating can set the tone for how much will be shared with you in the future. You will find the most, long-term success in setting boundaries around dating if you are responsive to your tweens’ views. This means that rather than giving a lecture about why you feel that your tweens shouldn’t date, you should have a conversation (where you both talk and listen to each other) about what dating means and what are acceptable dating behaviors. You may be surprised by how much or little your tweens know about dating and sexuality, which may be difficult for you. However, this is a time for you to model for your tween that this is a topic that you will be open to discussing with them in grown up ways.

It’s also important to make sure that you don’t have just one conversation about dating and sexuality with your tweens. This is something that gets more complex as your tweens get older. One initial conversation won’t necessarily be something that is remembered when you aren’t standing there with them. After all, if you need to tell your tweens to clean their rooms ten times before they do it, imagine how many times you will need to talk with them about the important things in life.

Lastly, don’t wait for your tween to come to you with questions about dating and sexuality. They already feel embarrassment about their changing bodies and social lives, and coming to you with more shortcomings can be daunting. It isn’t likely that your tweens will be eager to have these conversations with you, much like it’s probably not easy to start these conversations yourself. Either way, start talking before it’s too late.

T(w)eenage Parenting #12: No Bull

2012-04-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to see the documentary Bully. This movie examines the effects of bullying on five families across the United States, and the responses of the surrounding communities to their particular situations. The message of the movie is incredible and has rightly sparked a growing conversation about bullying in our country.

We’re failing our kids

Jon Pease, the founder and director of the non-profit Not-the-Target reports that only 4% of bullying is witnessed by adults, which means that 96% goes unseen. “If our children only receive 4% on their tests, we would be giving them every intervention imaginable,” he says, “unfortunately, there’s nothing holding adults to the same level of responsibility.”

Even for t(w)eens that muster the courage to turn to an adult, they are often not met with understanding or care. In Bully, one target of bullying is forced by the principal to shake hands with a student that has been bullying him. When the target refuses, the principal attempts to convince him that he is as bad as the aggressor for not moving past the events. At other points in the movie, the principal openly placates parents who come for help in dealing with bullying issues for their special needs child. She also goes on to guarantee, much to the dismay of the parents, that the school cannot do much to protect their son.

The targets of bullying most likely have asked for help from an adult in the past and did not receive it. The expected response to bullying should be that a parent intervenes by going to the school or directly to the parents of the bully. When these steps don’t produce the desired outcomes, great parents continue to make noise until change is seen by going to higher levels of the school administration.

However, many parents and adults are at a loss when it comes to dealing with chronic bullying. Not only do they not know what to do or say, but they can give advice that is ineffective or puts their t(w)eens in even more danger than before. It’s after things become more dangerous that many parents start to realize how bad things have been for their t(w)eens. Unfortunately, their t(w)eens have often already decided that their parents aren’t much help with these issues.

Advice that we give

Some of the advice that parents give is good—but only in certain situations. When t(w)eens come for help with bullies, often the first advice that is given is to, “Just ignore it.” This advice may be practical for instances of verbal teasing during the early processes of bullying, but it’s an all encompassing approach to dealing with a bully, especially when there are instances of physical bullying. The distinction between ignoring verbal teasing and getting help needs to be made to all t(w)eens, along with positive steps to be safe in the future.

One of the steps that often goes overlooked by parents is talking with our t(w)eens is about avoiding the bully. Often times, adults give the message that bullies “like the person” being targeted or that the target should try and friend the bully. When bullying has reached the point of being physical, t(w)eens should be taught not to try and friend the bully. Much of the bullies strength comes from the attention that they receive. By not giving them the chance for attention, it shifts the power dynamic more into the favor of the target.

Most importantly, t(w)eens should be encouraged to go to at least three different adults to report bullying. If the first one doesn’t respond, then they should go to the next one. If that one doesn’t respond, go to the next one. Targets of bullying often feel alone in their troubles, which often contributes to them not seeking out help because they feel that nobody understands what they are going through. By going to three adults, it improves the odds that somebody will respond.

Nobody understands

T(w)eens may be saying, “Nobody understands what I’m going through,” but what they usually mean is that “Nobody is listening to my experience.” Many adults jump into these conversations with statements like: “Bullying happens to everyone,” “It’s part of growing up,” or “Stand up for yourself.” At best, these statements are dismissive about the nature of what your t(w)eens are experiencing. At worst, these messages encourage a t(w)eens to physically put themselves into dangerous situations.

The unfortunate thing about this last message is that it is perpetuated repeatedly by Hollywood. Remember in Back to the Future when George McFly punches the bully during the prom? If you’ve seen the movie, you know that this moment changed the course of all of the characters in the movie franchise. What the movie left out was that the next day, Biff and his friends would have come back to exact their revenge. Bullying is, by definition, chronic. A one time attack wouldn’t change the usual pattern between the aggressors and targets.

When an adults dismiss their t(w)eens experience, it discourages the t(w)eens from wanting to open up in the future. T(w)eens really want their experience validated without judgment. This means listening to what they have experienced and resisting your urge to jump in to fix the problems. Your t(w)eens have feelings based on tough situations and need to know that you are a safe person to whom those feelings can be expressed. Regardless of your previous experiences, your best course of action is to show that you are willing to listen.

The next step is to encourage your t(w)eens to come up with solutions for the problem. Again, you need to be able to listen without judgment, even if some of the ideas are impossible or ridiculous. By doing this, you are not only continuing to validate their experience, but you are also encouraging your t(w)eens to develop problem-solving skills. You can help your t(w)eens follow up on the solutions that require the assistance of an adult. This is also the point in time when you can offer solutions.

Crowd control

The message of Bully is that bullying is a problem and something needs to be done about it. It’s a documentary that is doing its part to start a much needed conversation about a very serious topic. However, the movie isn’t very explicit about how bullying should be addressed. The message that needs to stated more clearly is that the witnesses and bystanders hold much of the responsibility in the bullying process.

In the bullying process, bystanders have the power to encourage the bully, stop the bully, or to get help from an adult. An important step for parents and schools is to encourage the bystanders and witnesses to get help and not to fall silent. Many t(w)eens feel that by coming forward that they will become the bully’s next target, which can be true in some instances. However, by working with t(w)eens and schools to create an environment where the witnesses are encouraged to come forward to a safe adult, it will help to break the cycle. But everyone, especially the adults in the school, needs to understand that these students are not tattling, but are actually trying to stop a chronic problem. One idea is to create a “Bully Box” where students can anonymously drop a piece of paper with dates, times, locations, and the names of students who are involved in bullying. School officials can then review the students’ names that appear in the box, especially those whose names appear repeatedly.

Targeting the targets

Dan Olweus, considered to be the grandfather of anti-bullying research, advocates that the targets of bullying shouldn’t be made to feel like they did anything wrong. Unfortunately, many anti-bullying campaigns take this out of context and don’t encourage any interventions with the targets. The hurt experienced by the targets is very real and needs to be addressed to help work on skills that can stop the cycle of bullying. Empowering the targets with social skills, esteem building, and practical help will help them to not only be resistant to the bullies in their lives now, but also with any bullies that they may encounter in the future.

T(w)eenage Parenting #11: How Rude

2012-03-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

A Scene From Every T(w)een Home In America

A t(w)een enters his house after school, throws his backpack on the floor, kicks his shoes in the opposite direction, falls onto the couch and flips on the TV. The parent asks about his day at school and if he has any homework. The t(w)een sighs, scoffs, rolls his eyes, and pulls out his phone to text his friend. Again, the parent asks about the school day, when the t(w)een yells, “Shut up! I’m trying to watch TV!"

Some of the most joyous moments of a parent’s life come when her child says his magical first words. Most parents are unable to think far enough into the future to realize that someday, that very same child will use that ability to speak out against them. Inevitably, the day comes when your t(w)een talks back, talks over you, rolls his eyes, or otherwise ignores you. Once the initial shock subsides, you are often at a loss for what to say and do next. You may even start to second-guess your parenting skills.

Where Does This Come From?

Many influences can lead to a t(w)een’s sassiness and rude behaviors. Some are hormonal and biological, some are social and societal, and others can be related to you and your family. Identifying patterns in these behaviors can help you determine the cause, and ultimately a way to address them so that they don’t continue.

The t(w)een years are the start of a host of hormonal changes that promote the physical growth of the body and nervous system. As t(w)eens grow, their emotions are often more difficult to manage due to these hormonal changes. This is also a period when t(w)eens start to experience new emotions, such as hurt and judgment. Biological changes also create new patterns of sleeping, which is often seen as t(w)eens starting to stay up later and, consequently, want to sleep in later. Not getting enough rest can contribute to t(w)eens’ irritability and ability to handle stress.

Although a biological cause explains some of the behavioral changes, social and societal contributions are present as well. A t(w)een is often expected to be fully engaged for an entire school day. Not only is there the expectation to pay attention in class, but there is also a pressure to be fully engaged with peers between classes, during lunch, and after school. Getting along with teachers and peers while learning can be exhausting, which means that by the end of the day, the t(w)een has little patience left emotionally.

Societal messages also teach t(w)eens that parents and adults are inept and don’t have a clue. Consider movies like Home Alone or Transformers or spend some time watching The Disney Channel with your t(w)eens. Inevitably, you will see adults portrayed as clueless know-nothings that must be saved by know-it-all kids. These messages may not be as obvious to your t(w)eens, but these are only a few examples of many that bombard your t(w)eens every single day.

Parents might also want to consider the family environment and the examples set at home. Does your family consider puns and sarcasm to be acceptable? While it may not be easy to admit, your own snarky behaviors can be setting an unwanted example for your t(w)eens. By being sarcastic yourself, you set the model for expected behaviors by your children. This can hold true whether you say witty things to be funny or snap at people when you are stressed or are having a bad day.

Lastly, these behaviors may be one of the many ways that t(w)eens start to assert their individual identities. In the cases of rudeness, the behaviors can be an assertion of independence, or it can be a sign of that something is bothering them or making them feel insufficient. Either way, the backtalk serves as a way to emotionally distance themselves and avoid having to face those difficult feelings. Depending on the maturity of your t(w)eens, this may or may not be done by choice.

Is My T(w)een Really Going To Be Like Me?

Your t(w)een follows your example. If you are going to be sarcastic, rude, and dismissive, you can bet that your t(w)een will also be sarcastic, rude, and dismissive. Many people (parents included) fall into a trap of relationship laziness, where preoccupations and chores get in the way of taking the time to listen to others. Often, the first casualties of this trap are family members, for the simple reason that these people have to deal with you, in good times and in bad.

On the other hand, the best way to raise respectful t(w)eens is to be respectful yourself. Show your child that you are capable of being nice to other people even when you are stressed. Rather than barking an order to your t(w)een, ask her politely. You can even set the example of apologizing for when you have addressed others in impolite ways.

Should I Ignore The Bad Behaviors?

Rude behaviors should not be ignored. As your t(w)een asserts her independence from you, she will be spending more time with peers. While this may mean a break for you, it doesn’t change the way that she treats others. Her peer groups aren’t going to correct her sassiness. If anything, they will stop associating with her. Then you are left having to deal with a rude, friendless t(w)een. Addressing rude behaviors not only ensures that she will continue to have good peer relations, but will also help her to develop solid communication skills that will help her to develop good relationships in her work environments later in life. Incredibly, these rude behaviors aren’t just temporary but may be permanent if left unaddressed.

As with most behavioral changes, it is necessary to not only address the negative behaviors, but also to teach and encourage positive behaviors that can be used instead. It is important to address the rude behaviors as they come up, and address them consistently. This consistency means not only in responding to the behaviors directed toward you, but also in the ones that are directed toward others. Once you have identified the behaviors, have your t(w)een respond with the correct politeness instead. It should go without saying, but don’t tolerate saccharine sarcasm as a response.

I Know It, But I Can’t Explain It

Adjusting a rude tweens' behavior is worth the effort because it is much easier than trying to change the behaviors of your adult children. To make things easier, prepare your t(w)een with the types of changes that you want to see occur. You’ll want to focus on things that include tone of voice, using manner words, asking and not demanding, listening, and using the “I” message. The “I” message encourages people to talk about their experience rather than blaming others, and basically can be stated as, “I feel _____ when you ____,” rather than, “You always make me angry!” To start, prioritize which behaviors are most important for you to change and address the other ones later. Many parents first address back talk or walking away during conversations, then proceed to address smaller behaviors such as eye-rolling.

Just as important is to teach your t(w)een how to ask for space to calm down. While it may seem obvious to you that your son could use a few minutes to cool down, it may not be as clear to him. In most cases, these situations result in someone yelling and storming out of the room. Ideally, you will model this yourself, so your tween learns to say, “I need a few minutes to calm down by myself.” In order to make sure that you are not allowing your t(w)een to avoid an argument, set a time when you will address this with him again (i.e. after dinner, in 30 minutes, etc.).

Encourage? Stickers Don’t Work Anymore

T(w)eens develop new interests and can’t be swayed by earning stickers toward a prize as easily. As your child turns into a t(w)een, you should be changing your parenting style to accommodate for this. You may have to pull out the things that used to be considered “the big guns.” Rewards could be sleepovers, shopping, or a day off from chores.

When your t(w)een stops responding to previous interventions, he is ready to accept more serious consequences for his misbehaviors. Acceptable consequences can include being grounded, loss of access to TV, and losing privileges for special events—especially those involving friends. While it may make you unpopular in the short term, your efforts will be rewarded with a polite tween and respectful adult.

Bullying & Special Needs: Helping Vulnerable Kids

2012-01-24T13:21:00.000-08:00

Serious bullying affects up to 35% of children by 8th grade. This percentage is even higher for kids with special needs.

Join us on March 24th in West Los Angeles to learn how help our kids with special needs recognize and respond appropriately to bullying.

The symposium will help educators, parents, and professionals who work with people affected by special needs.

Curt Widhalm and Not-the-Target are joining forces to help the educators, parents, and professionals learn (and experience) what kids with special needs live with when they are bullied. The 1/2 day seminar is broken into three parts:

Bullying – Applies to both the general population and special needs

Special Needs -Experience the world of a person with special needs through interactive activities

Helping to put an end to special needs bullying

Our goal is to help adults to help kids:

-Recognize thoughts/emotions common in the bullying cycle

-Learn the simple 4-step process that applies to all bullying situations

-Experience what kids with special needs go through every day

-Learn targeted responses, based on need, to help your kids respond to peer aggression

Cost is $20 per person before February 15th and $40 thereafter. Reservations close on March 20th. Payment is due at registration and may be made in cash or check.

(space is limited)

T(w)eenage Parenting #10: Mirror, Mirror...

2011-11-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

The social changes associated with being a t(w)een are difficult enough, but the physical aspects of growth can create problems, too. Growth for t(w)eens naturally occurs starting from the extremities and working toward the center of the body, resulting in a cruel biological design of larger hands, feet, ears, and noses. Additional hormones can stimulate changes to metabolism, which can result in the body creating new fat stores or other awkward physical changes. All of this occurs at a time when t(w)een media and friendships emphasize ideal body shapes. How do t(w)eens cope with all of this?

Learning to Worry

T(w)eens today are encouraged to worry about their bodies. TV shows, movies, magazines, and the internet constantly reinforce the idea that being thin is necessary to being a great person. If it’s not messages about being skinny, t(w)eens are receiving more input about being overweight, too. As health officials and government agencies pressure schools to help fight against childhood obesity rates, these messages get passed along to the students, too.

Efforts to teach children to lead healthy lifestyles can easily go down the wrong path. The recent book, “Maggie Goes on a Diet” follows the main character’s struggles against being called “fatty” and “chubby” at school. Through the story, 14-year-old Maggie changes her eating habits and begins exercising nearly every day. She joins the soccer team and loses weight, resulting in her becoming healthier, happier, and more popular. Among the criticisms of the book are that it promotes body image issues too early in childhood, and it expresses that children should go on diets. Now should be the time to mention that amazon.com lists this title at the reading level between ages 4 and 8. For many children, this is only shortly after they have learned from Sesame Street that cookies are best left as a “sometimes food.”

By the time that these children reach their t(w)eenage years, they will have been exposed to countless diet references and ideal, but unattainable bodies. The magazines they see feature airbrushed models who have a team of professionals create the model and the image. I encourage parents to sit down with their t(w)eens and watch the YouTube video titled “Dove Evolution” to show how much effort goes into these transformations. A 2009 study showed that t(w)een girls who watched the video were more likely to maintain healthy body images.

What to Watch For

More often than not, the pressure is on girls to be skinny. Without knowing how to talk to their parents, these girls can exhibit unhealthy behaviors surrounding foods and eating. These behaviors can include suddenly losing weight without explanation, making excuses about not being hungry, making excuses to go to the bathroom right after eating, exercising too much, perfectionism, and withdrawing from social activities. Typically eating disorder behaviors develop in girls between ages 11 and 14, but it is becomingly increasingly common to see the behaviors as early as age 7.

Although not contagious, eating disorders can be heavily influenced by peer pressure. According to multiple studies, 40% of t(w)een girls are actively trying to lose weight or diet, and the number one predictor of these behaviors is the number of a girl’s friends that are attempting to lose weight. It may not be easy for parents to find out about the dieting patterns of their daughter’s friends, but one way is to listen for the descriptions that the daughter gives about her friends. If these descriptions focus heavily on appearance and stories about how much or little a friend eats, it may be time to open up more conversations about the girl’s beliefs about food, eating, and body image.

The Inner Struggle

Whether or not a t(w)een meets the behavioral criteria for an eating disorder, there is an immense internal struggle that accompanies a negative body image. Not only is there the effort to change the shape of the body, but the inability to reach the perfect body can lead to feelings of worthlessness and depression. In turn, these feelings can contribute to even more of the damaging behaviors. Additionally, the lack of nutrition resulting from such behaviors can lead to difficulties in paying attention, headaches, dizziness, and mood swings.

For these t(w)eens, their body image is their identity. They are constantly stuck in a mode of “feeling fat” or that “losing 10 more pounds will make me a better person.” In a never-ending cycle, those 10 pounds aren’t ever enough, and a new goal is set. They may hide their “disgusting” bodies from other people by wearing extra clothing, and they may avoid going to social gatherings to avoid having to be around food.

Additionally, the stigmas about being overweight or obese further contribute to the notion that the people who can control their bodies are better. A 2009 BBC report suggests that the overweight population is one of the last groups that can be openly discriminated against. For the 16-24% of t(w)eens in this group, there is an added component of bullying contributing to feelings of low self-worth.

Boys aren’t immune to these pressures, either. As many as 10% of diagnosed eating disorders occur in males, usually in those who participate in sports related to weight classes, such as wrestling. But this doesn’t mean that male t(w)eens don’t have body image issues if they don’t qualify for an eating disorder. Social attitudes toward males suggest that boys should have giant muscles and toned abs.

Perhaps one of the most cited comparisons for body images comes from children’s toys. Many people may be familiar with the real-life comparison of Barbie dolls. If she were a real person, she would be approximately 6’9” tall with a 41” bust and a 20” waist, which are proportions that would make her physically unable to stand. Boys face similar messages with GI Joes. If a real person, he would be 5’9” with a 55” chest and 27” biceps.

The Family’s Contributions

Families can also set the tone for negative body images. Attitudes about eating and food can be learned by children of all ages. If one or both parents makes negative comments about their bodies or about eating too much, their t(w)eens can learn to apply these rules to themselves. Even worse, if a parent or older sibling is exhibiting eating disorder behaviors, a t(w)een is more likely to show those behaviors, too. In one case, a mother reported that her two-year-old daughter attempted to purge after a meal because she had witnessed her mother do it so many times.

Families can help t(w)eens develop positive body images, too. One of the best ways to develop healthy eating habits in t(w)eens is to have healthy eating habits as a family. This means having family dinners around and enjoying each other’s company. You can also change the way that you speak about your body and other people’s bodies. Rather than complaining about needing to diet, send a positive message by saying how healthy you feel after eating a well-balanced meal.

Naming your feelings is a positive technique to use to help influence a positive body image. Replace statements such as “I feel fat and disgusting” with “I’m feeling lonely”. These thoughts may be triggered by anger, sadness, or depression. By expressing your emotions appropriately, you are sending the message that you are not controlled by the image of your body.

Creating a new voice for body images and eating habits takes time and practice. Replacing your own crash dieting habits with healthy lifestyle goals takes commitment, but maintaining these goals helps set positive behaviors in your t(w)eens. Set an evening or time each week for the family to be active together and commit to setting a positive example for your t(w)eens, including being open about unrealistic body image. Being open and honest with your t(w)eens will help set the tone for a lifetime of healthy behaviors.

T(w)eenage Parenting #9: Homework

2011-10-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

The path through adolescence is paved with changes. Along with the physical, social, and psychological changes, the education system changes for your t(w)eens. By extension, this means that things will change for parents, too. Once past elementary school, the schoolwork changes not only in difficulty, but volume as well. T(w)eens each have their own ways to adapt to this additional stress.

Warning: Science Ahead

The human brain takes about 25 years to fully develop, although it reaches about 90% of it’s maximum size by the age of six. Most head growth after this time is actually the thickening of the skull, not the expansion of the brain. Changes starting at about age twelve explain many t(w)een behaviors. At this time, the brain begins a massive rewiring project, starting near the brain stem (the area of the brain that regulates most body functions responsible for living, such as breathing and blood circulation) and moving toward the prefrontal cortex (the front area of the brain responsible for decision making and risk evaluation). Not surprisingly, areas that become rewired first tend to function better earlier than areas that are rewired later during the process.

Unfortunately, this rewiring process takes place at times when the educational system becomes more difficult to navigate. The transition stages in the educational system tend to correspond with the transition stages in the brain. During the early stages of rewiring, the transition to middle school involves requiring new skills in time management, navigation, and organization. The next stage of rewiring, between fourteen and seventeen when risk-taking is at its highest, the educational system introduces concepts of non-tangential features and applied concepts. The last phases of rewiring correspond to the age when many t(w)eens are typically moving into the college system.

Many t(w)eens have difficulties during these transitions, and they can react to these problems in different ways. While they may have basic cognitive abilities, the capacity to adapt their behaviors and find solutions to their problems may not necessarily be present.

Left to their own devices

T(w)eens who are focused on their homework would seemingly be great, but when t(w)eens develop a pattern of ignoring friends to work on homework, the parents should be alarmed. In these cases, it is most likely that the t(w)eens have not yet developed the ability to organize their time or prioritize their responsibilities. Sometimes it also could mean that the t(w)eens have placed too much value on perfection, which means sacrificing other areas of life in order to reach unrealistic goals for grades. The t(w)eens may or may not recognize this sacrifice, but rarely will they admit to the pressure that they feel to get good grades. In many cases, the t(w)eens feel pressured to live up to high expectations from parents, whether or not that pressure is really there.

As the t(w)een brain develops more fully, in a process where the left and right halves of the brain develop more efficient connections, the problem solving abilities will improve. In the meantime, parents of this type of t(w)een should make sure that there are regular non-academic activities scheduled. As with everything else, the t(w)een’s interests may have changed over the last few months and new activities may need to be explored. It is also important to talk to your t(w)eens about what kinds of grades that they are expected to receive in school. In many cases, these conversations help to relieve some of the pressure that these t(w)eens feel and help to clarify any misunderstandings that might exist.

On the other hand…

More often, I have parents ask for help with a different type of homework approach. These parents usually ask for help with t(w)eens that have traditionally received good grades who are now ignoring homework, lying about the amount of homework, or taking hours to complete assignments that should only take a short period of time. There can be a variety of different causes for these problems, each with their own solutions.

Usually a parent’s first response to this problem is to take away privileges until the homework is completed. This is typically removing access from friends and electronics. In some cases, it is actually the friends and electronics that are causing the distractions, and this is a great way to address it if it is the problem. The key is to make sure that you set clear expectations surrounding homework and follow through on any consequences that you set. Once you are consistent enough with this program, your t(w)eens will begin to understand that homework must be completed before playtime.

However, there are other causes for these behaviors, which require different approaches. Especially during major transition years (into middle school or into high school), t(w)eens who have previously had an easy time with homework may not be accustomed to the increased amounts of homework. With the added homework, they may be having difficulty trying to fit in all of the activities they previously were able to complete in the afternoons. In these cases, helping your t(w)eens break homework assignments into smaller, more manageable chunks will allow them to accomplish more without feeling so overwhelmed.

Another cause of these behaviors could be the effects of the physical change associated with puberty. Adolescents typically experience a shifting biological clock that tends to make them fall asleep later in the evening and want to sleep later in the morning. When they are forced to wake up earlier than their biological clocks want them to, they need to expend extra energy throughout the day to pay attention and function without getting into trouble.

By the end of the school day they may be exhausted, either physically or emotionally from this process, which can be accompanied by mood swings and tantrums. These t(w)eens may find success with having a break time after school to reorganize themselves and calm down while having a set time to complete homework later in the evening. In some cases, these t(w)eens may also find some success by having part of their homework put off until the next morning when they are rested after a good night’s sleep, but this should only be done with careful planning to make sure that there is enough time to complete the work.

The environment where t(w)eens complete homework may have something to do with the behaviors, too. If their homework area has a lot of distractions, such as the TV, people passing through, or little workspace, they may be overwhelmed by these distractions. Creating a space that is clear and free from distractions can help increase focus, which leads to completed work.

When nothing else works

Sometimes, there are causes for these behaviors that are beyond the immediate control of the t(w)een and the parents. It is important that you maintain open communication with all of your t(w)eens’ teachers. T(w)eens may struggle in one subject because of the amount of time dedicated to the homework from another class. By keeping up-to-date with the homework assignments, you can help your t(w)eens to prioritize their time in order to be successful in all of their subject areas.

In other cases, your t(w)eens may need extra support outside of school. If it is solely an academic issue, this may mean having a tutor to help with extra lessons and practice. In the event that these behaviors don’t stop or have been continuing for more than a few weeks, you may want to consult with a counselor familiar with these issues to help your t(w)eens manage their stress and anxiety and explore if there are other underlying issues. These types of outside help can assist you in developing a homework program that minimizes the tension between t(w)eens and in the parents

T(w)eenage Parenting #8: A Sobering Conversation

2011-09-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

In the eyes of many t(w)eens’ parents, drugs and alcohol seem to be everywhere. And if parents are noticing the exposure, it’s probably a safe bet that the t(w)eens are noticing it, too. It doesn’t even have to be direct exposure to drugs and alcohol. Take Twilight for example, which is a movie geared to t(w)eens. Edward tells Bella that she “is (his) brand of heroin.” Knowing that t(w)eens are in an ever-present state to act more grown up, imagine what they are being exposed to while watching more mature movies.

How bad is it?

In a word: bad. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Colombia University calls adolescent substance use “America’s #1 Health Problem.” They estimate that over 90% of people addicted to substances started using before age 18. Further, they estimate that 28% of the population with substance use disorders started using before age 15 and 75% of high school students had used addictive substances at least once before graduation.

Why are these numbers so high? First of all, the adolescent brain is much more prone to risk-taking behaviors. This leads to adolescents putting themselves in physical danger or experimenting with substances. Second, changes that a brain undergoes during adolescence leaves it more vulnerable to damages from substances, including addiction. In essence, the t(w)eens are shaping their brains for a lifetime of behaviors. Lastly, t(w)eens tend to believe that they are the exception to any statistics, which leads them to engage in more risky behaviors.

There are other risk factors that make the situation even scarier. T(w)eens that come from families with a history of substance abuse disorders are more likely to experiment, use, and become addicted to substances. Also, the risk increases if there is a history of abuse, victimization or bullying, or mental or behavioral health problems. Juvenile offenders, school dropouts, child welfare recipients, and t(w)eens in the sexual minority all have increased substance abuse rates as well. It’s no surprise that many of these are the same risk factors that affect adult substance users as well. Based on the research, those adults most likely began using as t(w)eens.

But can’t they just say no?

T(w)eens seem to only say no to their parents, but when it comes to drugs and alcohol, they don’t have the same power. Abstinence programs, such as the D.A.R.E. program, have been shown to be ineffective at best, and can actually encourage t(w)eens to use drugs and alcohol. By suggesting that peer pressure is around every corner, the message becomes “everybody is using but you.” This type of message may push socially anxious t(w)eens to use drugs to try to fit in with social groups. In 2001, the U.S. Surgeon General placed the D.A.R.E. program on the government’s “Does Not Work” programs list and in 2009 the Association for Psychological Science named it as a “treatment with the potential to cause harm.”

Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign fared better in estimated effectiveness than the D.A.R.E. program. This campaign made it’s way into mainstream media, including on many TV shows that were geared toward t(w)eens at the time. However, this program has been criticized as being too simplistic in that it does not distinguish between drug use (limited quantities on limited occasions) and drug abuse (large quantities, dependence on the drugs, or suffering from withdrawals). It also did not distinguish between legal (prescriptions) and illegal drugs. Further, the program did not identify that some drugs, such as nicotine and alcohol are legal for adults and illegal for t(w)eens. This lead to many t(w)eens identifying that it’s okay to use based on a parent’s use (a glass of wine with dinner).

If I talk, they’ll listen!

Not quite. A 1999 anti-smoking campaign initiated by Phillip Morris (yes, the tobacco company) had the tagline “Talk: They’ll Listen.” The campaign suggested that parents open up discussions with their t(w)eens about the dangers of smoking and tell their t(w)eens to not smoke. And if t(w)eens do anything well, it is doing the exact opposite of whatever their parents tell them. The American Journal of Public Health found that for each of these parent-targeted ads that high school students saw in a 30-day period, they were 12% more likely to smoke than their peers who didn’t see the ads.

So, what does work?

These programs all have something in common: a zero-tolerance, line-in-the-sand approach. T(w)eens are anxious to rebel against their parents, so these approaches only tell them what they need to do to break the rules.

All-or-nothing approaches aren’t the only ways to address t(w)eens when it comes to talking about substances. The most important thing that you can do is age-old adage of “actions speak louder than words.” Setting the example, no matter the substance, decreases t(w)eens’ ideas of how many people actually use the substances. It also provides the t(w)eens less access to substances, as they cannot take alcohol or tobacco from your supply.

You can also forbid guests and other people from smoking in your home, car, or place of business. Also, let your kids know that you support anti-drug and anti-smoking laws. Talk to your kids about how alcohol and tobacco ads target t(w)eens and only glamorize the positive aspects of recreational use, but often fail to show negative aspects and long-term consequences.

It’s also important to repeat your message. T(w)eens generally don’t tend to hang onto life lessons after only one discussion. By keeping up with the message, you are making sure that they continue to hear you and hear how important the meaning of the message is to you. No matter how many times you hear, “I know,” it is best to continue to communicate the same message.

What if my t(w)een is already using?

The most important step is to present a united front with your spouse or whoever else is responsible for raising your t(w)eens. Being on the same page going into the conversation prevents your t(w)eens from being able to change the topic from their drug use into an argument about undermining each other. Next, gather any evidence that you may have of their substance use, whether it’s paraphernalia, photos, or something else, having something to back up your suspicions allows for you to maintain your course.

Emotionally, expect to hear lies and denial from your t(w)een, and expect to be called a hypocrite. You may hear, “But you smoke!” You can talk about it being legal for adults, but also point out the adverse health effects and how difficult it is to stop once you have started. You may also hear, “But you smoked pot when you were my age!” This is a time to stick to the issue at hand, which is your t(w)eens’ drug use and how you don’t want them to be using substances. You can address your past wrong choices during another conversation, but the focus of this conversation is about your t(w)een.

Before you begin talking, have an idea about what you expect from the conversation, the consequences you will hand out, and the rules that you will set for the future. A realistic expectation for most conversations about substance use is that the t(w)eens will not admit to it. Also, make sure that the rules that you set are realistic and are going to be enforceable. If you don’t have the ability to follow through on rules that you set, your t(w)eens will not have any reason to follow the rules.

Finally, remember that you are coming from the position of a loving, caring parent. Even for the amount of anger that the situation may cause, remind yourself and your t(w)eens that this is about making healthy choices and making sure that everyone is protected and safe. Remind them that they have your support when dealing with personal issues, and remind them that they have other adults to talk to if they aren’t sure how to talk to you at first, such as teachers and counselors.

T(w)eenage Parenting #7: Level the Playing Field

2011-09-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

Every day where we work, we see our young students struggling with the transition from home to school. They're all wonderful kids, but some can't share easily or listen in a group. Some have impulse control problems and have trouble keeping their hands to themselves; others don't always see that actions have consequences; a few suffer terribly from separation anxiety.

Dr. Nicholas Christakis & Erika Christakis, MEd, MPH

Harvard Professors

A child’s job is to play

Play is a kid’s thing. T(w)eens hang out. They go to friend’s houses. They call it whatever it needs to be called so that way they distance themselves from being a kid. No matter the name, it’s important for t(w)eens to continue to have unstructured time, with or without friends. A combination of both is even better.

At earlier stages in life, play is a method for children to identify relationships, gender roles, and explore the world through imagination. During t(w)een years, these same patterns still exist, when the children are allowed the time to play. One thing that many current Harvard students share is a mile-long list of structured activities and clubs that they have participated in for the previous fifteen years. That's not necessarily a good thing, a good thing, as you can see from their professors' observations.

The professors’ complaints about the students center around impulse control issues, social problems, and limited capacities to think freely. This sounds an awful lot like a group of students that have been overly-directed by their parents during their developmental years. When t(w)eens are constantly coached on what to say, do, think, and feel, they don’t develop the skills to do these things appropriately on their own. They become prompt dependent and generally have a steep learning curve to catch up to their peers in these areas, if they catch up at all. These patterns lead children to be prone to peer pressure. Continuing on this path into adulthood may lead to middle management success, however this success would be most likely attributed to becoming the ultimate "yes men."

Shouldn’t t(w)eens be pursuing something?

Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers repeatedly described that success comes after 10,000 hours of practice on a task. This translates to about twenty hours per week devoted to the task, every week for ten years. All of the tiger mothers and fathers out there use this principle when pushing their children to be the very best in a given talent, whether it’s sports, music, academics, or some other skill. The cost of devoting this time to a specific task is a decrease in the amount of time available for other pursuits. Let’s assume that between school, homework, talent pursuits, and sleep, these t(w)eens have about two-thirds of their time scheduled for them, and this doesn’t include activities such as getting ready for school, eating, bathing, or travelling to the various activities. This doesn’t leave a whole lot of other time to develop any kind of consistent outside interests, let alone develop skills in those areas, including social skills.

In addition to the previously mentioned issues, t(w)eens who do not have the opportunity to develop identities outside of these talents can be deeply resentful of the pursuits and anything related to them, including their parents. The danger of having an identity tied solely to one talent is that it leads to self-esteem being based solely on performance and not on the overall qualities of the individual. This can lead to depressive episodes and other major psychological issues, which can include risk-taking behaviors, self-destructive behaviors, and substance abuse problems.

What exactly does play accomplish?

In a brief description, play accomplishes everything for a t(w)een. Again, this is where t(w)eens practice how to be adults in the world. Instead of playing house and pretending to master domestic chores, they may be emulating House and learning what happens when you are a snarky know-it-all.

It is these imaginative experiences that stimulate and foster the development of their personalities. This is why t(w)eens try out so many different personalities and continue these behaviors into the later teenage years and into early adulthood. Play may even take on functional forms to accomplish this, such as when t(w)eens begin to change their hair and clothing styles. This is most evident in t(w)eens that make jumps into counterculture-type roles, such as goth or punk.

Play, in whichever form it takes, also teaches valuable communication skills. Through the experience of unstructured time, t(w)eens learn how to talk and listen with peers their own age. This further allows for the development of conflict-resolution skills when inevitable arguments arise. As convenient as it is to have children go to an adult for help when conflicts arise, the move into the t(w)een years will see less and less of this and more of a push for autonomous behavior. You can support your t(w)een through conflicts by listening to their perspectives and stepping in only when it is absolutely necessary.

Play during the t(w)een years is also a way to further develop gross and fine motor movements. The physical activities that constitute play build muscle strength, flexibility, and dexterity. In turn, these set the basis for the skills that they will further develop in high school and later in life. This can include everything from athletic performances and creative arts to a general overall healthy lifestyle.

T(w)eens sometimes use play to work through stress and other events that are going on in their lives. This may take a functional form, through art, poetry, or some other creative form. It may also be a developmental step “backward” where they return to an old toy or hobby that they have not used for some time. Either of these situations is a place that is emotionally safe for the t(w)eens to explore and work through their issues. This is why many therapists who work with t(w)eens will include some sort of play in their sessions.

How can adults support play?

Play happens, and you should encourage it. You can’t force your t(w)eens to play, but you can do the things that make it easier. One thing that you can do to make it easier is turn off the computers, TVs, and video games. These activities don’t create the same benefits as experiential play. By getting rid of non-beneficial alternatives, you encourage more beneficial things to happen. This is the same as when you don’t keep potato chips in the house so that you make yourself eat more vegetables.

The next thing that you can do is nothing at all. Really. T(w)eens facing non-directed time will usually choose one of two paths. They will either jump right into some sort of play, or they will whine to you that they are bored. Sensing that many t(w)eens will choose the whining path, prepare yourself with the statement, “I hate being bored, too. What are you going to do to keep from being bored?” Stick to this point, and you will encourage very important self-directive skills in your t(w)eens. It will also prevent any conversations where you suggest three hundred things for your t(w)eens to do with each one met by a rejection.

Perhaps the most important aspect of all of this is that you should encourage the imaginative play as a regular part of a daily schedule. That’s right, make it a part of the schedule. It doesn’t necessarily have to be written into a day planner as “Play Time,” but having a block of unstructured time that can’t be interrupted by homework or practice will allow your t(w)eens to reorganize and be more productive during the structured times. This unstructured time shouldn’t be contingent upon completing something else, either. This is a necessary part of the day for everybody, young and old to relax, unwind, and gear up for the next activity.

T(w)eenage Parenting #6: Video games (Part 1 of....many)

2011-09-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

I don’t remember the last time that I met a t(w)een that didn’t play video games. In fact, I previously ran a social skills group where we used video game parties as a reward for the group behaving well and following directions for an entire month. We more or less stopped with these rewards when the kids kept complaining that they had better video games at home.

Moving away from “baby” things

Being a t(w)een, in many aspects, is a constant reminder of not being old enough to do many things. It is no longer cool to participate in activities designed for their chronological age, so they begin to engage in activities that are geared for a slightly older target audience. In the video game world, this is often seen as the transition in the games that they play. Super Mario Bros. and Pokemon come to be replaced by Halo, Call of Duty, and Grand Theft Auto.

Parental outcry over “Mature” rated games over the past 20 years has been based on the notion that children can not tell the difference between imagination and reality. As a result, the children will carry the violent situations from their imaginary worlds into the real world. The logic behind this is shaky at best. T(w)eens can tell the difference between imagination and reality. If they cannot, please seek the help of a mental health professional immediately.

Recent research on violent video games offers a more comprehensive explanation. This research suggests that the cumulative effects of being exposed to violent video games affect a person’s mood, empathy, and social skills. Put another way, it is very similar to sun damage to a person’s skin. A little bit won’t cause a lot of harm, but long exposure on repeated occasions can create very drastic effects. The repeated exposure eventually adds up, causing the exposed areas to deteriorate and stop functioning properly. In the case of sun exposure, this can lead to cancer. However, with video games, this can lead to depression, acting out violently, separating oneself from people in the real world, and cravings to experience violent situations in other aspects of life.

Video games change your child’s brain

Starting at about age ten, children’s brains begin to rewire. During this time, the brain makes itself more efficient by developing pathways that allow it to operate more quickly. Part of this rewiring involves ridding itself of unnecessary pathways, while another part is strengthening already useful pathways. It is a process referred to as “pruning” because it is very similar to a gardener pruning a bush to make the entire plant stronger.

Newer neurological research shows that the brains of t(w)eens who play high amounts of video games are different than those who play lower amounts. In essence, this research suggests that t(w)eens can develop “video game” brain. These t(w)eens develop pathways that have the sole function to be stimulated by electronics. Here’s a brief (and very incomplete) list of other things that have the ability to change a brain in this way: caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, and methamphetamine.

The part of the brain where these pathways are generally developing is called the prefrontal cortex. This area of the brain is responsible for processing emotions, planning future events, ability to focus, choosing between good and bad actions, retaining long-term memories, understanding other people’s viewpoints, processing abstract thoughts, and much more. For the record, the “video game” brain pathways take up the space that would otherwise be dedicated to those brain functions listed above, it’s not in addition to those abilities.

Game companies want you addicted

Many game development companies are employing people with doctorate degrees in behavior analysis or similar fields of study. These people are very well paid (starting salary at one well known company is over six figures annually), to make games more “reinforcing” for the users. They employ techniques that reward users in a variety of ways to get them to play longer and more often. By the way, they are VERY good at their jobs.

One of these researchers, Dr. John Hopson wrote an article on behavioral game design in 2001. In the article, he discusses methods to make people play games longer and more frequently. In NONE of those methods does he use the words “fun” or “pleasure.” His most famous works serve as the basis for the Halo series of games.

It’s not just the larger software developers that are employing these people. Even smaller scale applications, like Bejeweled Blitz, Angry Birds, and Farmville have contributions from behavior analysts. T(w)eens aren’t the only ones at risk of becoming addicted, either. A web search for “Angry Birds addict” provides 4.6 million results, and a Florida woman shook her baby to death for interrupting a game of Farmville!

It’s not all bad news, is it?

Fortunately, not every person that plays video games turns into a murderer. An average, healthy t(w)een can play some military video games without too much of an effect on their emotional and behavioral development. Again, it’s the long-term effects of the long hours spent playing these games.

There are also plenty of games out there that don’t focus on violence. Sports games are still very popular with gamers of all ages, while other games focus on social achievements. This doesn’t even begin to mention games that exist solely to mash a bunch of buttons in rapid succession. Gaming companies are also using some of these behavior analysis principles for games that encourage t(w)eens to engage in physical activities in an effort to help combat childhood obesity. Sadly, this is not a very large or profitable corner of the gaming market.

Practical Solutions

The best way to deal with video game problems is to prevent them before they even start. Set clear limits with your t(w)eens about the amount of time allowed for games and what must be done to earn video game time. Take the time to know what kind of games your t(w)eens wants to play. Remember, many games include sex, drug, and violent themes. If you choose to allow your t(w)eens to play these games, make sure that you talk to them about these issues. They may not enjoy it, but if it prevents any damages down the line, it’s well worth it.

Once your t(w)eens start playing video games, there are certain signs you should watch for that indicate you should intervene. One of the first signs is usually a lack of sleep or failing to complete their school work. A second sign is t(w)eens that become extremely short-tempered or irritable. Another sign to step in is if all of their social relationships are online or revolve around playing games. Lastly, a huge sign that you need to intervene is if your t(w)eens are showing enjoyment or a lack of empathy when other people get hurt.

There are several ways that you can intervene if you are seeing the harmful effects of video games. Setting clear rules, such as, “We allow video games when you have good grades, are getting enough sleep, and aren’t being violent.” If necessary, set a behavior contract with your t(w)een about your exact expectations before they are allowed to play. Also, you can remove the games or the gaming system until their behaviors become acceptable. Remember, at the end of the day, you are the parent!

If you are having difficulty reaching your t(w)eens or coming to agreements on these types of behaviors, consider getting outside help. A few sessions with a professional that can help set agreeable boundaries can be a sound investment, especially if your t(w)eens are showing some or all of the harmful side effects. It’s difficult to show t(w)eens that they’re having difficulties because of a video game, so outside assistance may be necessary. After all, there doesn’t seem to be a record of anyone ever having been jailed for being under the influence of games.

T(w)eenage Parenting #5: Moms & Dads & Relationships

2011-09-26T19:04:00.001-07:00

A major milestone of reaching adulthood is realizing that you do things the way your parents have done them (Note: unofficial milestone, this isn't in any developmental psychology books that I have read). This milestone is highlighted in movies and TV shows during times when a main character does something out of character, sighs, and mutters, "I'm becoming my mother/father." A steady diet of these shows could lead you to the conclusion that it is a horrible thing to turn out like your parents. It's not just TV where this occurs. As adults in the real world, we have these realizations, too. What did our parents do wrong that it is so evil to become them?

Everything I learned…

Good, bad, or otherwise, our adult lives are shaped by our parents. Our views and the rules we make up about how the world works are generally formed during childhood. Unless a dramatic shift in your life causes things to change, you tend to carry these rules into adulthood. This holds true from things as diverse as the way socks should be folded to how relationships work.

Parents want their kids to grow up, become successful, and start their own families. This ideal family dream implies that your children will someday have a successful relationship. Knowing that your children's views about relationships are being shaped by you right this very instant, what are their future relationships going to look like? Before you answer that question, let’s look at how family relationships develop.

Families tend to pass rules from one generation to the next. This can either be done through conversations or actions. These rules get carried on to the next generation and are generally referred to as traditions. Traditions are renegotiated whenever a new person is introduced to the family (typically when an adult child becomes married and moves out of the home). At these times each member of the new couple decides which traditions to bring into their new family. Based on the rules that were set as children, they will set their new family traditions to follow those rules. In turn, this will lead to their own children developing rules about the world.

Rules were made…

Rules made as children are internal and serve to guide their lives as adults. These rules can be positive or negative, and can be correct or incorrect. As adults, when we arrive in a new situation, we tend to follow the rules that we made as children. This isn’t always the case, but it is a general tendency of adults. The basis for most of our rules comes from how we saw adults act in similar situations. Hopefully, the parents are the ones that the child is watching and using as the basis for the rules.

When it comes to relationships, children will base their rules about how to behave and be in a relationship based on what they see the adults around them doing. These rules become more refined over time, and many of you have probably experienced a young child’s version of relationship rules before. For instance, a mother a few years ago told me that her 5-year-old son was happy that he would be a husband someday because it meant that he would have a thicker wedding ring and he would be the one who drives the car. In 5-year-old terms, this was the basis of the rules that he was establishing about gender roles and marriages. Now that he is older, he will be making more complex rules about relationships based on what he sees his parents doing. These rules will form the basis of how he thinks that he should be as a husband and father when he eventually becomes an adult. What kind of rules do you pass along to your children and what are the costs of these rules?

At what cost?

Parenting classes for families with toddlers encourage parents to spend an hour each evening with each other without letting their children interrupt them (obviously with certain safety limits set in place, but that’s another article for a different time). This hour encourages the parents to focus on developing their own relationship with each other, while at the same time encouraging the child to develop self-direction skills. This is a crucial time for parents to develop these skills, as the children are finally able to be semi-independent for a small portion of the day.

As the family ages, and the toddlers turn to t(w)eens, the parents are at risk of having all of their attention and time filled by their kids. Instead of the constant supervision needed for a very young child, the time now becomes devoted to driving t(w)eens to school and practice, being nearby during playdates, and generally entertaining and appeasing the kids. As these t(w)eens’ world expands and they want to do more and more, it takes up more and more of the parents’ time. In turn, this forces the roles of the parents to become chauffeur and supervisor, and it allows for less and less time to be husband and wife.

What does this have to do with rules?

When children don’t have the opportunities to see how their parents are in a spousal relationship, they make rules about how relationships work for themselves to follow as adults. If a t(w)een assumes that the rules for parents are: drive the kids around, watch TV together, one parent needs to work late, etc., chances are, he will have a relationship that is similar to that when he has kids. Not only that, but when he finally moves out, the parents can drift apart and are at a higher risk for divorce because their primary bonds have been with the children, rather than each other, for such a long period of time.

Some parents assume that the time spent together after the t(w)eens go to bed is enough to keep their marriage happy. To a certain extent they are right, but as parents, their job is also to model productive relationships. These times together need to be visible by the t(w)eens to provide a good, strong model of healthy relationships. Even in the strongest of marriages, if the t(w)eens don’t see it happening, they won’t learn from it.

Ignore your t(w)eens (safely)

Your t(w)eens need to see that parents are part of relationships, too. This means, that you need to visibly show how adults in a successful marriage act and behave. For instance, show that you care about each other’s day by talking in front of your kids about it. Set aside time each day to focus on your spouse and don’t let it be interrupted by your t(w)eens. Go on date nights once a week (there are plenty of free options that don’t cost a lot of money). Don’t be afraid to show some affection in front of your t(w)eens (even as gross as it may seem to them). You can also show your t(w)eens how to disagree with each other properly, without fighting, calling each other names, or making threats or accusations.

During this process, t(w)eens will also learn that the world does not revolve around them. Being able to say “No” during the times you set aside for your partner (and mean it) will help set the standard for when you say “No” to other things.

A Note for Single Parents

I realize that families come in all shapes and sizes, and not every family has two parents in the household. You can still model appropriate relationship strategies through your actions and your words. It’s still important that you set aside time for yourself that is visible to your t(w)eens to establish that you are more than a caretaker. Your words and the way that you talk about relationships will also impact the rules that your t(w)eens set. Speaking positively about the good times of a past relationship and the activities that you did together sets the standard for positive rules to be formed. Avoiding negative accusations and name-calling about failed relationships shows that everyone deserves respect, even if the relationships weren’t successful. Make it a goal to set the tone that every relationship was special, even if that time was limited. This will help set the rules that all relationships are meant to be appreciated.

T(w)eenage Parenting #4: Listen Up!

2011-09-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

We all reach points in our lives when we begin to form seperate ideas from our parents This is part of normal developmental, happens multiple times, and is sometimes described with “colorful” names, like the “Terrible Twos” describing toddlers. The social aspects of the t(w)eenage years brings on new challenges in asserting their independence. Parents are now competing with peer groups as the primary influence in their t(w)een’s lives. The question is, how do parents maintain any sense of input with their t(w)eens? What needs to be said to get these t(w)eens to listen?

Listening

Believe it or not, there is a difference between hearing someone and listening to someone. Hearing describes the physical process of sound entering our ears and travelling to our brains. Hearing is what happens when we tell a t(w)een in the middle of an Xbox game that it’s time for dinner. Listening, on the other hand, is the process of understanding the meanings of the sounds received into the brain and making sense of these sounds within the context of the environment.

You may be asking, “What environment? The environment should be my kid listening to my advice!” As I’ve written before, t(w)eens will reflect many of the behaviors that they see in their parents. If you don’t use proper listening techniques with them, they won’t use them with you.

Setting the Scene

For most parents, it’s fairly easy to list the things that distract t(w)eens from listening. This list includes video games, cell phones, social networking, friends, and many more. On the other hand, think of the things that could be distracting you when your t(w)eens want to talk. How often are you on your Blackberry? Or too busy finishing chores or making dinner? It’s no doubt that parents have busy lives, but multi-tasking while listening sends a message a message to t(w)eens that their input isn’t as important as whatever else you are doing at the moment. When t(w)eens see that it is okay to give divided attention, they will only give divided attention themselves.

Setting a distraction-free scene can be done in only a few moments. Even a simple comment, such as, “I need just a moment to finish writing this email so that I can listen to you,” sends the clear message that you want to give your undivided attention, but are unable to do so at the moment. It also gives t(w)eens a concrete timeframe of when you will be available. The important concept is to follow through—again this is one of those things that t(w)eens will copy from their parents. If they see that you can make empty promises about listening and not following through, expect them to do the same.

Other times won’t be so easy to make the setting easy to listen. Sometimes you will have to set a clear time that you will be available to talk later in the day, or even the next day. Obviously, the sooner that you can set aside, the better, but busy lives can mean that this is not always realistic. The first few times, you will have to set the example of following through on your scheduled times. Again, you are setting the example for your t(w)eens to follow both now and in the future.

Some t(w)eens, particularly boys, have a more difficult time sitting down and talking, especially when it relates to move sensitive topics. Harvard researchers have found physical size differences in areas of the brain between males and females believed to be responsible for solving problems. These physical differences are believed to be why males, in general, respond to stress by “doing and solving” while females respond by “processing and talking” until a resolution is reached.

What Gender Differences Mean

Gender differences for listening tend to mean that different approaches need to be used depending on who is participating in the conversation. Individual differences do exist within each family, but some common guidelines exist.

Girls may want more time to process their thoughts, reactions, and emotions. This means, as a parent, not to rush to reaching a conclusion or resolution to a problem or argument. Listen (without distraction) to the thoughts and ideas that a t(w)een girl goes through during the course of the conversation. She may end up someplace completely different emotionally than she thought she would at the beginning. Parents can help point girls in the right direction in these instances by asking questions such as, “What kind of concerns do you have?”

Boys, on the other hand, tend to want to reach conclusions more quickly. Left to their own devices, this usually means “less talking and more doing.” Parents who know this about their boys can engage them in a joint activity while talking. For example, invite your t(w)een boy to play catch, shoot baskets, or some other simple physical movement that interests him. It is important that you are both involved in the same activity! During the activity, you can talk (and listen) about the topic at hand.

How to Listen

Often t(w)eens don’t approach their parents with serious conversation topics. One reason is fear. T(w)eens are afraid that they will be judged by their parents for making a wrong decision. Another t(w)een fear is that they will be told what to do without getting the chance to reach their own conclusions. This is a particularly difficult aspect for father’s when it comes to listening to t(w)eens. Yes, those same gender differences about solving problems continue into adulthood. Being aware of these differences can help you change your own approach, too.

Both parents, and fathers in particular, should be careful not to be too quick when it comes to giving a an answer to a problem. "Often, t(w)eens will be more satisfied when supportive parents provide guidance rather than outright solutions. Remember, t(w)eens may not solve a problem or reach a conclusion in the most direct way, but making mistakes will make them better at solving similar future problems.

In addition to being careful not to reach conclusions too quickly, you must also be aware of your own reactions and judgments, especially on minor issues. T(w)eens are beginning to make their own ideas and decisions about the world. Some of them will be completely unrealistic, off-base, or different than your own. When they express these ideas, it can catch you by surprise. The proper way to respond to this is without judgment. You can, without judgment, ask, “How did you come to that conclusion?” or “Where did you get that idea?” as long as it is without judgment. In case I haven’t made this clear, do this without judgment!

Why is it so important to do this without judgment? Approaching your t(w)een this way sends the message that you support your child’s right to have ideas, whether or not you actually support the ideas themselves. Practicing this on minor issues also sends the message that you are a safe adult that is going to respect your t(w)een’s ideas and thoughts when it comes to more difficult ideas later in life. For example, when you to take the time to listen to t(w)eens talk about friendship drama, you are setting the stage for them to come to you when their peers at school begin experimenting with dating, sex, drugs, and other serious issues.

Lastly, show your t(w)eens that you are listening to them by reflecting back what you hear them saying. Take the time to say, “It sounds like you are syaing…” or “Does this mean you think…” Responding in this way shows that you are listening to your t(w)een and not just hearing the words. You don’t need to do this after every topic addressed, but often enough that you are showing that you are following along. This also sets a great example of how you want your t(w)een to listen to you when you have something important to say or when your t(w)een comes to you for advice about a problem.

T(w)eenage Parenting #3: Revisiting Important Lessons

2011-09-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

This April marks the one year anniversary of the passing of a local 12-year-old boy who died playing “The Choking Game.” In the days following the incident, I was asked to help parents, families, and t(w)eens talk about the memory of this child and the dangerous game that led to his accidental death. I was impressed by students that repeated these lessons to their friends and classmates in the following days, and I knew that these parents had done their jobs. As the months passed, the students moved on with their lives and talk of “The Choking Game” and its dangers quieted.

As this community takes time to remember this young man, it is also time to revisit the lessons that were discussed in the days following the tragedy. Too often important messages happen without taking the time to revisit and reflect on them.

It’s not nagging (except when it is)

Just as it wasn’t easy to bring up the topic in the first place, it is difficult to bring up the topic again. Let’s be honest, it’s difficult to talk about vulnerable topics with t(w)eens. Whether they respond with an, “I know already!” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” they are trying to avoid being vulnerable themselves. Too often, they are copying what they see their parents doing: maintaining composure by not dealing with difficult topics.

Revisiting important topics is necessary for all of the reasons that it was important to bring these issues up in the first place. Safety, family values, health, and many other important categories are the reasons that we pass along this information to our kids. Unfortunately, kids aren’t necessarily the best at remembering things. When we want them to remember the important things, we need to come back and explore some of these topics again.

Some parents choose to remind their children of things, most often chores, by persistently annoying them until the chores get done. More simply phrased, parents nag their children over and over to get a chore done, and then are absolutely astonished when they need to nag again the next time that the chore needs to be completed. It really shouldn’t be a surprise. T(w)eens have figured out that it’s easiest just to tune out their parents in order to deal with the constant barrage of directions they are receiving.

To make revisiting important matters different, you will need to change your approach. Giving your t(w)een notice that you want to talk about something important will allow them to move into a more accepting emotional space. You still may be met with the usual “I know” and other standard answers, but the softened approach gives you the opportunity to show that it’s okay to be vulnerable.

The difference between nagging and revisiting the issue comes down to the approach, even when your t(w)eens may not seem that interested in talking. When parents nag their children, they are imposing a demand that the children don’t feel like they have a role in deciding. The softened approach and notice that you want to talk about the topic not only gives them a role, but also gives them time to come up with questions and reflect upon their own reactions and responses. After all, most t(w)eens already experience some level of difficulty in judging their emotions about tough issues, so giving them a head start before the big talk will go a long way in keeping them in the conversation.

Over the course of a year, or however long it has been since the first big talk, remember that your t(w)een has grown mentally and emotionally and will be able to process the events with you with more maturity. Their ideas about what happened may have changed and this gives you an opportunity to talk about how your outlook of the events have changed over the last year. That’s right, your views have another year of maturity, too! This can even be the start of the conversation.

Opening up about your reflections

Think about why you want to have this conversation with your t(w)een. Hint: It’s the same reason that you had this conversation the first time. Looking back on the first time that you had this conversation, did you talk about why you were having it? It’s not necessarily bad to have not talked about why, but it is important to talk about the second (and third, fourth, etc.) time around. Let’s be realistic, these conversations usually revolve around something unpleasant and the reason that they are being discussed is because you don’t want your kids to do the same things. Did you actually talk to your kids about not doing these things the last time? If so great! You know how to bring it up once. Do it again!

If you didn’t bring it up last time, this is a very easy way to open up your end of the conversation. For example, “Remember last year when we talked about (fill in the blank), the reason that I wanted to talk about it then was because (fill in the blank).” This can easily be followed up with what your thoughts were at the time and what they are now. By showing your t(w)eens how your thoughts and reactions have changed, you are showing them that it is okay to have different thoughts and reactions than what was originally experienced. Most t(w)eens won’t be aware their reactions are different now. Some may even have difficulty remembering what their initial reactions were or deny having a reaction in the first place.

How often and when to reflect

There are really no general rules on how often you need to revisit these topics, and really you should let your t(w)een’s understanding of the topic guide you on when and if you should talk about it again. This is not the same as letting your t(w)een decide when to revisit the topic. If your t(w)een seems to have a good understanding of the reasons why you are concerned, then you probably don’t need to talk about it as often, but be prepared if your t(w)een wants to talk about it more or at a different time. Your t(w)een can come up with questions at a later time, and it is important to show that you are approachable.

Setting the time to talk also involves making sure that the setting is appropriate. Remove the distractions by turning off the TV, silencing the cell phones, and leaving enough time to talk and answer questions. In other words, the setting needs to show that the topic and your t(w)een’s opinions are important. Ten minutes before leaving for school, work, or soccer practice is not appropriate. After dinner in a quiet family room is a much better setting to show the importance.

The setting also requires placing yourself in the right position. This means allowing your t(w)een to express their own opinions and reactions, even if these are different from your own. By reflecting what your t(w)een is experiencing, you can ask (calmly) how they came to their decisions and opinions. Listening to this process will give you guidance on what is important in their life and who influences their decisions. You may find that your t(w)eens are actually listening to you when you have these serious talks and forming their opinions based on your ideas. On the other hand, you may learn a lot more about your t(w)een’s friends and just how these friends are influencing your child’s decision-making process. In either case, it gives you valuable insight into how to set the stage for the future serious talks.

T(w)eenage Parenting #2: Show Me the Money!

2011-09-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

During t(w)eenage years, the value of money becomes a point of contention between parents and children. Starting with t(w)eens and continuing through the teens, social status lines are often drawn by clothes, possessions, or access to clubs or groups. As a parent, this can be interpreted as items that cost money, stuff that costs money, and activities that cost money. But do your kids know the value of money and your values about money?

The values that you place on money may not match your actions. Unless you connect the two for your t(w)eens, they won’t make the connection themselves. Take for example the role of cash. It used to be that a child would learn the value of money very simply. If he had cash, he had money. If he ran out of cash, he was out of money. Today, credit and debit cards don’t show how much is represented. Checks are also written representations of some amount of hidden money. Direct deposit from many employers goes unseen into the account. In fact, some adults can go days, weeks, or even months without using cash. Hopefully you keep track of your balance, whether in a check register or some other way. But do you have your t(w)eens help you track your finances?

“Show me the money!” -Jerry Maguire

If you don’t have your t(w)eeens sit down with you and work on your budget, what are your reasons? Is it to keep them from knowing how much you make? This action can be interpreted as being embarrassed about having too much or too little money. Is it because you don’t want them to know how much you are spending in a certain area? This kind of action can teach kids how to hide problems, especially spending problems. Are you afraid that your kid is going to tell everyone else about your income and expenses? You can keep your privacy and still pass along the lesson by getting creative and making a budget worksheet for your child.

In an increasingly cashless society, there are fewer chances for children to learn about the value of money. Many kids understand that their parents go to work to earn money to pay for food, shelter, and other items. What they may not be able to understand is just how much work is worth. Some parents give their kids a weekly allowance for spending money. This is akin to paying your kids for existing and doesn’t really have many real world counterparts. Other parents give allowance based on completing a certain set of chores and, better yet, don’t give in when the chores aren’t completed. But what happens to that money once the kids earn it? Do they have free reign to spend it however and with whomever they wish?

T(w)eenage Budgets

Many parents agree that a great way to teach kids about money is to have them work to earn their allowance. However, what lesson does it teach if they don’t have to use that money for some of their own expenses?

There are many things that t(w)eens should not be expected to pay for, including rent, medicine, utilities, etc. However, as they get older, they should be expected to make contributions elsewhere, including their own savings. Teaching kids to pay themselves first teaches a valuable lesson for later in life. You can have your child save $1 out of every $5 in an account and show how compound interest helps them to earn money even faster. Then out of the remaining money from their allowance, expect them to pay for the weekend movie with their friends (and the popcorn and soda).

An Interest-ing Idea

What about the inevitable time that your child won’t have enough money to go out with friends because they have already spent it? This is a teachable moment. Depending on the maturity of your t(w)een, you have choices.

The first option is to not bail them out. Don’t give in to the pleading and begging. Failure to plan ahead and dealing with the consequences of that choice is one way to learn to have a contingency financial plan in the future. Nobody says that the $4 after savings has to be spent each week, and that money can be saved for future purchases, too. This will also help you as parents when it comes time for back to school shopping by giving you the chance to say, “I have $100 budgeted for your school clothes and we are buying 5 sets of clothes. Anything you want above that amount is your responsibility to pay the difference.”

If your child is more mature, you can consider giving a loan to cover the amount they want to borrow. Instead of expecting simple repayment for the amount borrowed, charge them interest to be paid back out of their future allowance. You want your children to understand how money works in the real world. When a person in the real world takes out a loan, they are expected to pay interest. Teaching them how the real world works puts your t(w)eens in the best position possible to be a successful adult.

The Real World Doesn’t Forgive

Generation Y grew up during the financial boom of the 1990’s. Spending and borrowing for many American’s during this time was at an all-time high. As the people in this generation came into adulthood, one of the worst financial eras in our history took hold. Many of these students borrowed massive amounts of money to pay for colleges they couldn’t afford, only to find a crumbled job market and no means to pay off the debts that they had incurred. Because their parents didn’t disclose financial lessons, this generation grew up with the idea that money would always be readily available and they didn’t understand repaying debts. The life lessons of teaching your t(w)eens about money will set them up to make money mistakes now, while the consequences are minor and controllable, rather than later when the mistakes can cause serious hardships.

T(w)eenage Parenting #1: Teaching Commitment

2011-09-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

Tweens have it tough these days. The transition to middle school is an absolute culture shock, with completely new peer groups, teachers, amounts of homework, and opportunities to try new things. Add to this all of the physical changes that their bodies are going through, and you’ve got a very confused, overstressed teen on your hands. Additionally, parents expect more out of teens around the house. That means more chores, taking care of younger siblings, and many other things.

As they transition from childhood into adolescence, tweens become aware of the vast amount of opportunities available to them. They have also seemed to develop a clear voice about what they like and they don’t like. Tweens seem to use that voice at its maximum volume to tell you the things that they don’t like. This can lead to arguments about attending family events, completing chores, or sticking with an activity.

Commitment

Tweens are at a stage in their life where they begin to define their permanent personalities. During this time, they get to try on different behaviors that they learn from friends, acquaintances, and even their parents. Most believe that developing their identity comes through their groups of friends and their activities. This is why you are now required to drop your child off no closer than 2 blocks to school because they don’t want to be associated with parents that seemingly tell them what to do all of the time. It also explains the eye-rolling, sarcasm, and back-talk that are inevitably a part of most conversations.

With this distancing from you, how do you teach your tweens about commitment? Questions about commitment never seem to arise in-between seasons. Predictably, questions about commitment arise after you have paid for the next month of piano lessons or 20 minutes before your child is supposed to be at the park for a soccer game. These are usually situations where they have to leave a friend’s house or stop in the middle of the latest video game. What are you supposed to do in these situations?

For starters, now is not the time to have the heart-to-heart talk about commitment, letting teammates down, and following through on promises. Yelling and screaming doesn’t seem to get them into the car, and the kids are no longer small enough that you can just pick them up, put them into the back of the car, and take them there yourself. In all reality, this moment is too late to teach commitment.

When to talk about commitment

Talks about commitment begin before the activity begins. This means when your child wants to start a new activity, you sit down and talk about finishing the season or staying through the final performance. Be honest about your expectations of attending every practice and going to every game through the good and the bad. Obviously there will be exceptions, such as sickness or other major life events, but commitment to following a plan is a major life skill that begins its development during the tween years.

Many tweens lose interest in activities that they have loved for years. Listen and explore the reasons why they are losing interest. Is it because friends are no longer participating? They have found something new? Interestingly, many tweens lose interest when the activity is no longer fun. Generally, this is a translation of “I can no longer rely on my natural abilities to be the best and now I have to work hard to be the best—and that’s not fun!”

As a parent, this requires a strategy change. It is very easy to encourage children by praising how good they are at something. This message is often translated as, “My identity belongs with my skills to be good at (violin, basketball, etc). If I’m no longer the best at this, I’m no longer a good person.” Your role as the parent is to encourage your child through praising the work that they put in to reach their accomplishments.

People who are only encouraged about their natural abilities are more likely to give up on their hobbies and activities than people who are praised about their work ethic. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck found that 90% of kids who were praised for their hard work were eager to take on newer, more demanding challenges.

In turn this leads to more perseverance through troubling times, jobs, and other activities. It’s a struggle to see your children exposed to things that they don’t like, being unable to solve problems, or be momentarily unhappy. However, think of the dreams that you allowed yourself to quit. Would you have pursued the dreams through a harder time with a little bit more encouragement?

When the issue isn’t about your child

Certain situations will arise when a child wants to quit because of a coach or something else that is beyond their control. Many of us have witnessed a coach or teacher that is not a great match for your child. This brings a different type of commitment. It is up to you as the parent to meet with the coach or teacher privately to discuss the roles and development of our child. It is not the time to let your child quit midseason! If you do, this sets up the possibility of your child blaming whichever future coaches when things get too hard. It’s important that you remain supportive of your child through difficult coaches and teachers, but being negative and criticizing the coach or teacher in front of your child makes it more difficult to learn about committing through difficulties. The lesson is that they will be able

to persevere until it becomes fun again.