Cynically Optimistic & Optimistically Bitter

Dance till the stars come down from the rafters Dance, Dance, Dance till you drop.~WH Auden

2010-03-15T21:58:00.001-05:00

I'm watching A Knight's Tale and realized that I'm really just watching in anticipation of the dance sequence. And then it hit me that there are so many movies I really like that have these random-esque dance sequences that always make me giggle, sometimes guffaw. Below, I give you some of my most laughable movie dance sensations:

1. "She's All That"--the prom dance led by Usher (who now hangs his head in shame)

2. "A Knight's Tale"--because you know how well David Bowie would've done during medievel times!

3. Stiffler, the Stiff-meister, complete jackass...no matter what you call him, he's "dangerous on the dancefloor"

4. Beetlejuice Calypso...need not say more!

5. Pulp Fiction's "Jack Rabbit Slim's" Twist contest is now a classic...and possibly the last groovy-cool thing Travolta has done to date.

6. THE BUG...from Hairspray (the original, not the crap remake).

7. The boys from The Grind gives us a lil lesson on Bustin' A Move.

And though not a movie, no list of dances is complete without a little Christopher Walken:

And...Drew Carey. Come on...Drew had some great dance sequences on his show!:

Some things you can just call from experience

2010-03-13T11:00:00.000-06:00

So, I made my weekly Sat. a.m. call to my mom and my dad answered the phone. And just as I thought, he was rude as hell to me, which means 'it's your fault this vacation blew-out of the water'. Again,whenever my sister Rhonda is involved, it's always everyone else's fault. He doesn't see that she's a userous, ugly-spirited bitch with no regard for anything other than what she wants.

But, there's nothing I can do about it...he'll either get over it or he won't and I can't make it change no matter what I do or say.

I also sent my sisters' an e-mail letting them know I told mom & dad about the whole thing---and followed it up with the statement that unless it's a dire emergency regarding mom/dad, I don't care to hear from either one of them ever again. Sometimes relationships with family members are not worth the turmoil, heartache, and pain they inflict.

I was trying to think back to the last time anyone, in my immediate family other than my mom, actually asked me about something going on in my life---and you know, the saddest part is that I don't even remember. If I wouldn't offer up the information, they'd never know. They have no clue how many times I've been in the hospital for the debilitating migraines, they have no idea I was in a car accident and screwed up my shoulder royally, they have no clue that my poor little feline had to have emergency surgery...because they never once ask what's up in my world. It's always me asking about their lives and then trying to tie something about mine in...but I shouldn't always have to be the one to do that.

Ok, this is going to be the last post on this topic, on this blog. Right now I'm so f'n anxiety ridden, I'm taking a xanax or two and knocking myself out for some well-deserved and much needed sleep. End of family vent.

And please remind me, that the next time I contemplating the whole forgive/forget with my sisters', that the same thing is going to happen (under different circumstances) all over again---just so I don't make the foolish mistake allover again.

Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and the incoming wave of vitriol

2010-03-10T17:45:00.004-06:00

"God, gag me with a fucking Corey - this opportunistic fuck will now do everything in his power to capitalize on this………BELIEVE ME - he'll be bawling on the talk show circuit and hawking all is wares from Lost Boys memorabilia"

The above comment was posted on a website that posted Corey Feldman's statement about Haim's overdose this morning.

The Corey's were a part of my growing up...my crush on Haim (and his Lost Boys wardrobe) was quite fierce back in the day.

I really haven't given either much thought as I've grown up. I never watched The Two Corey's, and didn't keep up with what seems to be Haim's out-of-control addictions.

But, that doesn't make me want to snark on the fact that he's dead and the people around him are grieving as family and friends of anyone, no matter how bad or good they seem in the public's eye, would do.

The vitriol about both of them will be a tidal wave online, it's guaranteed. In response to the above quote...If Feldman going on every damn talk show in the universe, discussing his friendship and how often he tried to help Haim (including staging more than one intervention) can make one person stop and think about how what they're doing affects not only them, but those who care about them, then let him capitalize his heart out...that one person's friends, relatives, co-workers, fans, etc. will be very happy he did.

Things I WISH Would Happen...

2010-03-01T21:45:00.000-06:00

When you call a friend and you're obviously distressed and in tears, they actually take the time to call you back or at least respond in some way or fashion to let you know they actually give a shit about your feelings. (especially when you're someone, like me, who has a REALLY hard time asking anyone for help, especially of the emotional sort).

I also wish I would stop offering up my help/assistance/shoulder to cry on/ear to vent in to people who never seem to reciprocate. I don't expect it, but it sure would be nice for it to happen once in a while.

The very important updates....and the nonsense.

2010-02-27T20:58:00.002-06:00

Let's start with important....

If you were under the delusional impression that drunk drivers aren't menacing the streets of chicago at 6 a.m., you're sadly mistaken as i found out yesterday. on my way to work, i was t-boned by a drunken fool with no insurance, driving on a suspended license. This got him cuffed & stuffed and landed me in the ER with a "mildly dislocated" shoulder (btw, when they pop that sucker back in--it hurts like a motherfucker) and poor Rusty had his door mangled.

So, I'm recuping at home and Rusty is at the car hospital getting all fixed up to be good as new, I hope. Major shout out to Gerber Auto who said they'll have him done by end of day Tuesday---that's pretty damn fast work if you ask me.

On the upside, I could've been hurt a lot worse if we would've had the accident on the Kennedy as opposed to three blocks before I was to get onto the Kennedy---thank goodness for goodish karma.

To keep in line with the medical elements...I'm still 100% headache free and that's been fan-fucking-tastic!

On the other note of contention of late...I'm more and more of the thought that this family vacation to TN was one of the WORST ideas to ever come about. I'm so sick of my sisters dictating when this will be done, when we will be going here, there, or the other location, who's going to be paying how much for what, etc. My vacation time, due to the ridiculous number of migraines and other issues have been depleted and a part of me was really hoping my boss wouldn't budge and allow me to utilize next year's vacay time for the week in June (which is one week before my vacation time re-ups itself), but alas he's a cool boss and he's working with me on it so I can still go. That would've been my excuse/reason for not being able to--but it is now gone.

Don't get me wrong...I really want to go on a vacation with my parents. We had a lot of fun when we went to Virginia a few years ago and I'm Ecstatically looking forward to our few days in Nashville--it's just all the other crap I'm anticipating with giant levels of dread. *NEWS JUST IN* I won't be going on this vacation after all. Long story short, my sisters are being royal bitches and I'm done dealing with them dictating to me when I have to have the money to them for things when it doesn't work within the budget I have laid down for myself to afford this vacation (as in they think every dime should be paid by April 1--hell, my tax refund probably won't even be back by April 1 which takes a hell of a lot of money out of my pocket-that pays my bills--to pay for a vacation I don't really even want to be on in the first place). I will probably still go to Nashville for a couple days or even find some other place since I have hotel room points I can use...either way, I will be going on a vacation this year--whether it be alone or with someone else!

*ok, here's the deal. this whole thing really sucks---i'm the person who came up with this plan. i'm the person who spent multiple days researching places we could stay that would be afforable for everyone. and i'm the one who is now suddenly the 'red-headed stepchild' just because i opted to stick up for myself. to make matters even more hurtful. my two sisters hadn't spoken to each other for at least 5 years--not a word and the only things they had to say about one another were hateful, angry, and negative. now, suddenly, they're bosom buddies and my feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc. are no longer relevant. i kid you not when i say i used to talk to my one sister at least once a week...usually more than once. now that she and my other sister have started being pals, i hear from her maybe once every three weeks, but usually more like once a month and then she doesn't even inquire about anything in my life, not a thing. hell, she didn't even ask to see if i was ok when i told her i'd gotten into a car wreck. yeah, so on top of being so angry i want to hurll things at my walls, i feel like i just lost my sister--the one person (other than my parents) that I thought i might be able to count on when i needed to. i guess i was wrong...again.*

Ok, enough of the serious stuff. Since I was bored and going a little stir crazy today I went out to do some window shopping to get ideas for future revamps for my humble abode. I'd already bought a new comforter, etc. The picture quality isn't great, but it's eggplant, lilac, cream and black....the new theme of my bedroom. I've found the perfect color of lilac (called delectable no less) for the accent wall behind the bed (the other walls are the same cream color as in the comforter which was a total fluke) and will be making eggplant colored velvet drapes for my window. I've also come up with the brilliant idea of buying some black frames and getting some nature photos I've taken converted to black/white and having them framed with an eggplant matting to hang over the bed/bedframe (which is black wrought iron). I was looking for something a little more 'girly' than I had, but not too girly because that's just not me---I think this is going to work out rather nicely. At some point I will have to find a dresser and nightstand that work, but for now I'll live with what I have.

I also wanted to do something with my bathroom. The initial goal was to revolve the color scheme around this fantastic glass eyeglass holder Peggy bought me for my b-day many years ago. But, being the klutz I am, when I took it to Home Depot last weekend to match it to a color, I dropped it and shattered it all over the floor. That in and of itself sucked royally, but to make matters worse I busted out crying because I really loved that thing and it was one of my favorite presents ever. I got over my trauma and decided that I still want the 'green/white' theme in the bathroom (for those of you who don't know--green helps tone down reds and since I have typical german/irish red tones to my skin, I think I'll look prettier in my mirror with some green in there....*insert Carly Simon's "you're so vain" here*.

So, I ran off to Jo-Ann's Fabrics* to see if I could find the color green I was wanting. One of the really nice ladies there came over to assist me in my dilemma and produced this from the 'got to throw away' bin:

I know, it's kinda blurry, but i used my camera phone with no flash-deal. It's basically a glass bead with a green leaf 'floating' in it. The leaf is the exact shade of green I was looking for! She gave the bead to me so I could match paint to it. Again, I will only be doing an accent wall as the other walls are white and I want to keep them that way. But, the other thing we found were some fabric flowers in this shade of green. I'm going to pop the glued on white 'button's that currently adorn my shower curtain hooks and glue the flowers on in their place. I also found a green/white thin pinstripe material that I will put around the sink cabinet because it's oen of those really ugly faux wood-laminate things? I will also try to paint the mirror/medicine cabinet white to round things out.

[Lord almighty, whom I don't believe in, I've become Suzy-fuckin-homemaker]

Oh and I also found a material with which I can make pillows for my loveseat. I was having a hell of a time finding something in a chocolate brown/red that didn't have 3-5 other colors in it, but alas--the fabric store had it.

I also realized that in my search for a filing cabinet that I liked and was in my price range, I was not thinking out of the box enough---Jo-Ann's had this great sewing cabinet that will work perfectly. Large drawer at bottom for files, mid-sized drawer in middle for larger paper items, and two small drawers for things like pens and scissors and such. PLUS, it was just the right width for my printer to sit on top. Why did i never think of looking at those kinds of places before? I'll be doing some Craigslist and thrift shop scouring as well, just in case I find something I like better!

But, all in all, my abode is coming together kinda nicely---and sooner or later I'll get it clean enough to have folks over for dinner and game nights!

Act Like A Prententious Fake & Snag A Man...coming to a country near you!

2010-02-10T18:48:00.001-06:00

It seems that there's a derth of women writing about how to 'get a man' now that VD is right around the corner & even they buy into the BS that women need men to be happy.

The latest came to me via Twitter...a travel writer telling us "How to Impress Guys from Around the World"...and her advice, you ask? Fake interest in things that could feasibly be of absolutely NO interest to you.

She calls it 'whimsical' advice. I call it just one more woman buying and selling the propaganda.

For the record, her biggest components are swilling beer/booze and knowing sports or at least sports lingo...because that's what ALL men want, no matter what country they reside in.

I'll let you read for yourself because I've wasted enough time on the drivel.

Conversely, this wired article seems to at least make some salient points when trying to attract the opposite sex.

Blah sigh

2010-02-08T11:42:00.000-06:00

I'm definitely at the point of 'something's gotta give'. Unless it's in a drug enduced/fueld haze, I'm getting very little sleep. I've had SIX days worth of migraines since the first of the year, four days off work for it and two ER visits to get some drugs to alleviate the pain/make the puking stop. Plus the lovely H1N1 days off work, lets not forget.

Have you ever cleaned a charcoal filter from a fish tank or anything else? The water turns this murky, cloudy gray color? That's how my brain feels...and with it my clarity, my emotions, and pretty much everything else. My sleep patterns are a complete wreck, my food intake is all over the place because 1/2 the time I have no energy to even consider cooking.

Because I'd already missed three classes for this semester---the first three real classes of the semester---I've opted to drop the class. I just don't know if I can make up the work, reading, etc. when my work schedule is also out of control. I've also given up my various volunteering roles for the next few months--they too were taking a beating because of work related issues that seemed to crop up every three minutes.

To make it all better /sarcasm. I call my dr. office to make an appointment--they inform me her hours are now 8 to 3, which means I can't even get in to see her without taking time off work...which is not going to go over with my boss who's already 7 ways of pissed off at me for missing so many days since January 1.

And then, I get bombarded today with the 'have you got this, that, and the other thing all squared away? Huh? Wha? Let's see, one of those things you knew I hadn't talked to the person, another one is supposed to be handled by DACW--SO STOP FUCKING ASKING ME ABOUT IT, and the third one hasn't even had a chance to make it up the priority pole because you keep shoving other things in front of it that need to be done!

OK, are you with me...are you seeing those puffs of steam come out of my ears and my face turning beet red? Yeah, not good...I guess some things are 'giving', but only because I've had to choose to get rid of them and they were the elements that were the last ones I wanted to give up. What I really want is to sleep 7 hours a night, feel rested enough to go to the gym, work my day in the office, come home, make dinner, practice the banjo, and then go to bed. You'd think that wouldn't be such an awful thing to ask for, but it seemingly is.

Military Spouse--Should I Stay or Should I Go Now.

2010-02-01T13:59:00.000-06:00

With the upcoming release of Nicholas Sparks latest "Dear John", there have been a bevy of blog posts about the plight of the military spouse that I've found interesting. It seems the female gender is divided between the you should stay because... and the get while the gettin' is good. Jezebel has a pretty good post and I'm sure the commentary will prove to be even more enlightening, as it usually is.

Me, personally? I have a rule--don't date guys who are in, were in, or will be in the military-PERIOD.

But, it did remind me of a story I posted many moons ago on this blog. Which is the exact reason why the rule above exists.

To add to the story...I didn't hear from the guy after that all went down for a good two or three years, then suddenly I'm getting e-mails from him of youtube videos for "fly-high QGM" and other things that must've reminded him of me.

At that point, I'd had enough and sent him an e-mail politely asking him to not contact me because he proved that he's not really my friend and I just don't want people like that in my life any longer. I haven't heard from him since so at least he had enough respect for me to do what I asked.

Anyway...this isn't really about much beyond the reactionary status this movie seems to be bringing out in a lot of women (including myself). I'll be curious to see how it plays out after it's been in the theatres for a few weeks.

OK--I'm Back, I couldn't find anything better to do

2010-01-31T21:00:00.007-06:00

8:55: Guess I'm not gonna get the Usher dance, but he's still got the glasses! And damn, this song IS depressing...but so is this show, so it fits. SMOKEY! Carrie, stand your ass still--it's not That kind of song. At least Beyonce doesn't think she's too cool for dorky 3-D glasses. GOTDAM, Jennifer Hudson has GOT.IT.GOIN.ON! But, I gotta give it credit--it's a moving song, it really is.
9:07: Sheryl Crow decided to show up in her fancy nightgown. You go girl...grammy's to bedtime in under 2 seconds.
9:09: Man, I hope Ritch Sambora's still hot! Nope...he's not, but damn if he doesn't still have the same haircut. I think Bon Jovi is channeling John Cougar Mellencamp with this one. Or maybe it's a Big & Rich channeling? And whoever that chick is...she needs to give Joan Jett her 1977 pants back. Actually, she looks like a blond version of that girl who was in "Eddie & The Cruisers". yep, Jon doesn't have the voice he used to--which is to be expected, but still makes me a little sad. The grit and grime just isn't there.
9:16 Mos Def and Domingo...sweet. I love the wacky of it, though I understood little of what Placido said. So, Kanye made sure he'll get on stage this time by having three collaborations? WTF is Rihanna wearing? That's just WRONG. And no Kanye on stage...how could he possibly pass it up?
9:26 Ah hell, this one's gonna make me cry for sure! Mary J. looks lovely in that shade of blue. She's kinda lookin' a bit like Gladys Knight. *definitely teary* Aw, I think Mary J. is teary too.
Dude, please don't care you act like you care about the little guy...if you did, you'd do something as "big business" to help them out. We, the people, already DO support them. DumbAss. AHHHHHH, ADAM SANDLER! He's the frat boy I'd never want to date, but always found obnoxiously funny.
9:41...will now take a commercial break because I HATE DAVE MATTTHEWS!
Oh Ricky, you're no longer the hottie so just stop trying so hard. Ok, I'll take Beyonce over Taylor, but would've much preferred Pink. but damn, that's also a fugly dress--what's up with all the fugly dresses.

Well kids, I'm calling it a night--for realz this time. Must be up early and Grammy-time just isn't exciting enough for me to lose much needed snoozes.

Live Blog--The Grammy's From My Sofa

2010-01-31T19:16:00.010-06:00

7:12: How the F did Beyonce win that shit against GaGa AND Kings of Leon!?
7:14: J-LO, it's time to find a new dress style
7:16: Oh look...Green Day song sounds just like Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Wake Me When September's Over....and all their other songs! Way to step out on a ledge Green Day!
7:19: ohh, I hope Usher pulls out his dance "routine" from She's All That!
7:25: hey look, it's gossip girl voiceover! At least George Strait keeps it twangy--you know since it IS country music! Oh Taylor, stop with th faux surprise, we all knew you'd get it cuz popular music sucks and well, you're popular and your music sucks.
7:27: whew, at least they're givin' me a hottie with a hottie accent. Now take your damn clothes off Simon! I bet Beyonce doesn't even realize she dressed her dudes kinda storm-trouperesque. Flippin' channels now. BRB
7:39: Sigh...Leonard Cohen! So very deserved, but worth much more time that less than one second. But, I'll take Pink, cuz I dig me some Pink. Is there a sci-fi/star wars/battlestar/firefly theme going on tonight that nobody informed me of? That's some really cool trazeiastic work there---me like. *snark will return after Pink*
7:45: Return of the 80s prom dress! Why the F aren't the lifetime achievers getting more recognition--THEY'RE FUCKING LIFETIME ACHIEVERS FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Instead we get country hacks like Keith Urban.
7:47: Weren't MGMT, Silverspun, and Ting Tings all in Chicago rockin' it TWO years ago? WTF is that on Miley's hand? Again with the sci-fi look! I'm breaking...don't want to see Fergie pee herself again. Hell, I don't want to hear her "rap" either for that matter.
8:05: Please wake me up when someone worthy actually gets on stage.
8:09: Go Stephen, but you better give a shout to the Spinal Tap!

Ok, it took merely one hour and I'm bored with the Grammy's. I will now move on to reading a book and watching something that doesn't make me want to shove an ice pick into my ear drums.

I've Come To Realize...

2010-01-13T15:32:00.002-06:00

I've come to realize...

1. I've come to realize that my body. . .
will fight me tooth and nail when I'm trying to get down to my optimal weight.

2. I've come to realize that my job. . .
is a good one, but maybe no longer a good one for me. I'm burned out on meeting planning.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving alone. . .
I pay far more attention to the road and it's myriad hazards. And I listen to really cheezy music.

4. I've come to realize that I need. . .
some companionship in my life. I'm getting far to complacent about being alone.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost. . .
one true love, a few friends that I wish I could have back, time (mostly wasted on people who weren't worth it).

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when. . .
I fall back into bad habits I thought I'd put to rest permanently

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk. . .
I'm going to have a helluva hangover, regardless of whether it's 4 beers or 40 beers

8. I've come to realize that money. . .
is a hell of a lot more important than I've ever wanted to give it credit for. It might not make the world go round, but it certainly greases the axle nicely.

9. I've come to realize that certain people. . .
aren't worth my time, effort or energy. others are worth me giving more of all three.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always. . .
fall into one of two categories....really liked or really disliked. I'm not a middle-ground personality.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s). . .
are who they are and it's sometimes better to completely avoid them than engage in toxic relationships/behaviors.

12. I've come to realize that my mom. . .
did the best with what she knew and what she had to work with. she's become a good friend to me in my adulthood.

13. I've come to realize that cell phones. . .
much like taxes and death...necessary evils that take up too much of our time and energy thinking about and contending with.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . .
That I'd really been awake for a majority of the night. Insomnia likes to hang with me, but will never be considered a friend.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .
My mind kicks into hyper-drive as soon as I'm lying horizontal.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .
I want to go to Borders, buy a crappy book, go home read it whilst wearing my footie PJs and snuggling with my fuzzy blanket.

17. I've come to realize that my dad. . .
Can be narrow and cantankerous, but at the end of the day he's a good guy and hilarious when he chooses to be.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . .
I get sucked into its mindless Vortex, only to exit by sheer force of will.

19. I've come to realize that today. . .will be over soon and tomorrow will be a bit of a fresh start, as with the day after, and the day after, etc., etc.

20. I've come to realize that tonight. . .
tonight, tonight, tonight....*ugh, this meme has me quoting phil collins*

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow. . .
is yet another day...hopefully a better one than today.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to. . .
hurry up and get this damn masters in lib. science so i can contemplate moving

23. I've come to realize that the person most likely to respond to this is. . .
nobody...since i'm not tagging

24. I've come to realize that life. . .
isn't as short as everyone wants us to believe.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend. . .
was fun, but i don't care to replicate it any time soon

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . .
sad, emo crap so I can purge myself of emotion

27. I've come to realize that my friends. . .
the true ones are far and few between, but cherished immensely because of that

28. I've come to realize that this last year. . .
sucked ass in more ways than i'll ever be able to count

29. I've come to realize that my ex. . .
is completely irrelevant in the greater scheme of my life

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should. . .
worry about my well-being more and how other people will react to me less.

31. I've come to realize that I love. . .
my alone time, my few very close friends, my cats who keep my toes warm at night, and a really good cup of joe

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand. . .
human nature...the game playing of it all. and why it's so very difficult for humans to just be honest.

33. I've come to realize my past. . .
is part of who i am today, for better or worse, and has to be accepted as such, but should never be apologized for as a whole

34. I've come to realize that parties. . .
can be fun or can be a royal annoyance. lately they tend to skew more towards the latter.

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified. . .
of dying alone and rotting in my apartment for days on end with nobody the wiser (until I reek so bad the neighbors call someone about it)

36. I've come to realize that my life. . .
doesn't really hold the wonder that it used to...is now more just going through the motions with little glimpes of awe and joy, but not the consistent ones that used to be there.

10 Random "I Loves" of 2009

2010-01-04T10:52:00.001-06:00

1. Sons of Anarchy--nothing warms my heart like a rough-neck bunch of morally ambiguous hooligans that will shed blood, life, limb, and serve prison sentences for the ones they love. Season 2 truly showcased how fantastic Katey Sagal is as a dramatic, as well as comedic, actress.

2. The Adderall Diaries--Stephen Elliott managed to juxtapose a murder trial with his own coming to terms with life story...quite seamlessly. I've now read this book three times and still manage to find nuances I glossed over or didn't quite catch in the previous readings. It's an emotional ride and a thinking person's book.

3. FMHS 1989 20th Class Reunion--It was great to reconnect with some folks and get to know others I didn't know all that well back in the day. It also gave me a glimpse into how far I've come since high school and how much stronger I am now. I realized that I don't pander to the status quo, I don't care really care what others think of me, I don't have to put on a show to make myself seem better than I really am due to my insecurities, and I don't have to act like a total ho-bag just to garner attention also because of the aforementioned insecurities. Oh and I realized one other thing--the people who were well and truly assholes in high school are still well and truly assholes in adulthood.

4. Ha Ha Tonka--every damn thing about them! Multiple live shows, new CD, their rising 'fame' in a tough industry. I'm glad to say I was at their very first CD release party and will always be one of their biggest fans (not in the Eminem song kind of way, though)

5. My job--a majority of the time. Actually maybe I should say I love my members. I've had so much fun getting to know them via working with them--it's just nice to know that 'real' people are out there and doing what they do because they truly love doing it.

6. My solitude--yeah, that seems weird, but I really, really needed it. As much as I didn't want to admit it or let it show to the population at large, I was in a VERY bad place through most of 2009 and I don't think I would've emerged from it alive (literally) if I wouldn't have taken a very big step back from a lot of different things in my life. Most people think/believe/say that the support is what gets people through tough times, but in all honesty, I didn't find much support because I didn't know how to tell people what was going on. It wasn't a pinpoint element or two, it was an all-encompassing issue and to continue being honest, most people didn't want to contend with it when I did bring it up.

7. Facebook--I've had a wonderful time yucking it up, learning about, and learning from people that I didn't know well. It's interesting to learn about their lives, their experiences, and to be there and say way to go, i'm sorry, i empathize, etc. when even 5 years ago i wouldn't have been able to because the resource wasn't there.

8. My mom & dad--for a bazillion reasons, but mostly because they are one of the few couples in this country that has made it to their 50th anniversary. Fifty years is a very long time...I don't know that I could do it.

9. My kittehs--they're high entertainment at times and comfort at other times. Sure they love me because I give them a warm home, food, water, and clean litter, but I can accept that.

10. A lot of good books--I read a load of books in 2009. I read some bad ones too, but those just make the good ones that much better. One of the best ones was "Going Bovine" by Libba Bray...I highly recommend checking it out if you want a good laugh.

Odds/Ends..this one goes to 10

2010-01-03T16:44:00.003-06:00

1. What i thought was a sinus infection/ear infection actually turned out to be H1N1. Today is the first day I've stayed awake more than 3 hours at one stretch since Tuesday.

2. I'm exercising, losing weight, drinking very little, eating right and I've been sick more in the past two months than I ever was (outside of migraines and hangovers) when I was doing everything wrong. Something about that seems so unbelievably wrong.

3. Soundgarden, per CC, is reuniting. This could prove to be an epic success or an epic fail. I believe it will be one or the other and there will be no middle ground. Either way, I'll be paying a good sum of $$$ to be up close and personal for it.

4. I've managed to lose 20 pounds since late October. Sadly, I don't seem to look like I've lost 20 pounds.

5. I seem to be putting a lot of money towards a couple things this year I'm no longer excited about...namely one being the family vacation in June. It's going to be a good $2000 or more out of my pocket and I'm not even looking forward to it...especially when I think that money could go towards my trip to Ireland in 2011 or Mexico for Xmas at the end of 2010.

6. I had all intentions of setting for the goals for 2010...but, I've not even contemplated it. Instead I've done nothing more than lay about watching Veronica Mars and Charmed...because when sick, cheestastic old TV shows are the way to go.

7. Lastly, there are a lot of things I need to change this year. 2009 was an serious fail for me on many personal levels (oddly it was a pretty big success professionally). I was so uptight about the status quo of things that I did some throwing the baby out with the bathwater type of things that I'm not proud of or happy with. I have some apologizing to do, some renegotiating to think about, and some self-involved issues to get rid of. Namely, I need to go back to some things I incorporated in 2002-2003 that I've fully/completely slipped away from...which seems to be a time when I was really quite happy with my personal life (though not the professional...I think there's some pattern here that I just don't understand).

8. There are some great concerts and shows coming to Chicago this year---The Addams Family musical with Bebe Neuwirth; Soundgarden, David Sedaris, Camper Van Beethoven, Magnetic Fields at Old Town, Alice in Chains, and a couple more that are slipping my brain.

9. This will be the last year of my 30s...that seems so strange. Yet, I look forward to what the years have to come. Then again, 40 just sounds kinda old or something....

10. Each year I create my own motto or tagline...2008s was a good one that I stuck with pretty well, "trust your gut". 2009s didn't really ever come to fruition...but, 2010s is going to be a very simple one "No is a really small word". I'm paralyzed by rejection in all forms, so many, many times I don't even give something a try because it seems like I won't be able to handle the failure or rejection--but, that's just no way to live. I'm stunting myself on so many levels by only doing those things I know I can succeed at instead of putting myself out there and taking a bit of risk.

That's it...I'm spent...back to the sofa for some more trash tv.

Post Holiday Post

2009-12-28T09:58:00.002-06:00

Well, I finally made it back to Chicago...after one extra day in FM due to the weather. I don't know that I've ever been so happy to be back home--oh wait, yes I have! Each and every past holiday in which I couldn't wait to escape back to the confines of my own little world.

Granted, this year wasn't as bad as previous ones have been--maybe because I made a giant batch of glogg and happied myself up with it! Or maybe because I didn't go to my sister's house on Saturday to be treated rudely and belittled by her and her husband (good choice, huh?).

Yet, I still came back feeling out of sorts, as I do each time I'm there over Xmas. And I really have to stop doing this to myself. It's just that explaining to my parents that I'm miserable when I'm there at this time of year isn't always the easiest thing to do. Then add to it that I'm stuck driving in horrible weather/traffic to get home and it quickly becomes a recipe for disaster.

On the plus side, I didn't really eat much. It seemed like I had very little appetite the whole time I was there--which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think it speaks volumes about my state of mind. Come on, we know how much I like food!?

Since the weather is, once again, supposed to go downhill later this week, I won't be going to see Jenn in Waverly. I'm just not up to another drive (or two) in bad conditions.

So instead, I will go to Borders, get my first of the year journal...unplug the computer, turn off the phone and have some all-by-myself time over new years. i might even splurge and get me a lobster to cook--just to say I did it!

I have a lot of goals for this year...many of which carry over from last, but some are altogether new and improved. We'll see how well I do this time around.

It's That Time of Year...

2009-12-20T15:53:00.001-06:00

The holiday scrooges have hit. I thought maybe I was not going to have them this year since they normally hit right after Thanksgiving...but, this year, they hit this week.

All it took was a PITA co-worker and a call from my sister to set them into full swing. Now, I dread my trip home Thursday and have already decided I'm coming back on Saturday so as to avoid the gifting and dinner at my sister's house.

Right now I either want to bust out in tears every two seconds or punch someone about every 5 minutes.

So now, I will impatiently wait until the end of March when this state of mind starts subsiding...I will wait in virtual hibernation because otherwise, I will end up punching someone--and jailtime just doesn't sound all that interesting.

Just because it's not in your backyard...

2009-12-16T10:38:00.003-06:00

Doesn't mean it can't have an effect on you...

In October, a bay area high-school girl was gang-raped after a school dance. Not even two months later, another alleged rape has occurred at a middle school, mere blocks from where the first rape occurred.

That, in and of itself, is sad and frightening, but made even moreso by the fact that the alleged rape (nobody has been prosecuted at this time, thus it stands as alleged) was of a12 year old middle-school girl and happened in a stairwell IN THE SCHOOL.

But, it gets worse--adult/authority figures have done a bang-up job blaming the victim in this case with comments such as ""If she was being raped, why didn't she scream?" and ""I know the girl and I know the guy. I know... and I know the girl's family. I know for a fact that that girl could've knocked that guy out with one hand tied behind her back."

This is potentially a case that could set a ridiculous precedent in our school system(s) by absolving the attackers with statements like ""It was hormones going wild." That's saying rape is about sex. It's NOT! Rape is about violence, power, and denigration of the victim.

Rape is a very real, very annihilating element to our society--women and girls are already scared to come forward because of being blamed, shamed, stereotyped, etc. A situation like this is only going to make that worse:

* 17.6 % of women in the United States have survived a completed or attempted rape. Of these, 21.6% were younger than age 12 when they were first raped, and 32.4% were between the ages of 12 and 17

* The FBI estimates that only 37% of all rapes are reported to the police. U.S. Justice Department statistics are even lower, with only 26% of all rapes or attempted rapes being reported to law enforcement officials

* Every two minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.

* Rape doesn't only happen to women. Men are also victims, but according to FBI estimates, only 5%-7% of all male victims report the crime.

There are many things we, as the concerned public, can do to work towards a culture that truly abhors and prosecutes these crimes and help in stopping the 'victimizing the victim'. A good start is to lend your voice to a specific instance, such as the one above. Below is the contact information for the school district where this crime occurred...call them, send a letter, post it on your blog, facebook, twitter, website. Grassroots efforts have great effect in this country--it's time a very strong one gets started and continues when it comes to rape in this country.

Superintendent of Schools

Location: 1108 Bissell Avenue, Richmond, CA 94801, Room 100
Phone: (510) 231-1101
FAX: (510) 236-6784
Superintendent: Bruce Harter
Executive Secretary: Debbie Haynie, (510) 231-1103
Legal Assistant: Phyllis Rosen, (510) 231-1102

Portola Middle School

Location: 1021 Navellier Street, El Cerrito CA 94530
Phone: (510) 524-0405
FAX: (510) 559-8784

Principal: Denise VanHook
Vice Principal: Matthew Burnham
Office Manager: Verdell Burrell, ext. 2693
Counselors:
Buddy Phillips 527-0121 [A - M]
Lorissa Wong 527-0290 [N - Z]

District Executive Director: Linda Jackson
www.wccusd.net

Book Reviews

2009-12-13T18:26:00.002-06:00

All future book reviews will be over at the new blog...www.litleanto.blogspot.com.

All my reading deserves it's own blog!

Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince (movie)

2009-12-09T20:34:00.002-06:00

Outside of being cash cows, the HP movies aren't cinematic gold by any means, but damn if this one wasn't the freakin' lump of coal in the stocking.

I'm not going to get into a long, rambling account of it, but let me touch on the elements that made this such a pathetic movie and an insult to what I consider the best book out of the entire series.

1. Harry & Ginny: The budding romance came off as trite and irrelevant...two things neither of these characters are.

2. Ron & Hermione: See above...

4. Ron's face-time: He was shunted to the corner like the red-headed stepchild (no pun intended) when he is really a core part of and value to the story.

5. The return to the castle: the battle was a very important element leading into the next book. it is what made true believers out of those who weren't 100% on board with the mission to eliminate Voldemort. This is the tipping point that brought the 'troops' together so to speak. And it's damn sad when more time is given to the silliness of Lavender Brown than to this battle.

6. They f'n cut out the funeral for Dumbledore! That was the emotional climax to the book---having Hermione & Harry having a chat on a balcony lent nothing, absolutely nothing to the emotional trauma they had all just suffered because of the death of Dumbledore.

I have about 20 other points that well and truly pissed me off about this movie, but there's no need to go there--anyone with 1/2 a brain will have easily figured them out if they've already seen it or will do so when they do see it.

If it wasn't for the fact that I own all the HP movies, I would be really pissed off about buying this one--but having the complete set is just part of my mild OCD.

I'm a little curious about how and why JK Rowling signed off on this travesty.

The Adderall Diaries by Stephen Elliott

2009-12-09T09:14:00.004-06:00

Let me first preface this review with the fact that no words that I put down here will do this book justice...it's intricacies seem to elude me when it comes to a richly worded review. But, nonetheless I feel the need to review it, if for no other reason than it's one of the few books that touched me on a deeper emotional and mental level than most. My review purposely skirts the true "meat" of the book. It's something one has to experience themselves to really absorb...

The Adderall Dairies is Stephen Elliott's latest endeavor that, unlike his other works, doesn't relate reality as fiction, but instead comes on as emotionally turbulent ride through a section of Elliott's reality; interwoven with the reality of a murder trial that catches his attention and then quickly develops into a saving grace for not only his creativity, but maybe his life (my take, not his words).

The book immediately thrusts the reader into a time when the author has a severe case of writer's block that's exacerbating a depression that just seems to snowball. He's taking Adderall in hopes of alleviating the block and the depression. In his search for a redemption of sorts, he stumbles upon someone who confesses to multiple murders, which then leads him to the trail of a man who murdered his wife.

The book winds it's way through Stephen's life, his relationships with women, his remembrances of childhood, issues with his father, and a vast amount of introspection and acceptance of himself, his assets and his flaws.

What is seemingly a stream-of-conscious meandering through this period of his life becomes a succinct depiction of how a person views himself through the circumstances surrounding him. The prose becomes almost poetic in it's emotion and depth and the reader can't help but feel Elliott's pain, champion his accomplishments, and at times, wish to lend an ear, a shoulder, a bed, or an escape.

The Adderall Dairies is a memoir that simultaneously disturbs and engrosses the reader, engaging them in a world that is both foreign and familiar. Though Elliott's circumstances are much different than many, the underlying thoughts and emotions--failure, anger, questioning, pain, and occasional contentment happen to everyone at various levels over the entirety of their lives. Once you get accustomed to the rhythm of Elliott's writing, the book becomes one you have trouble putting down and evokes a need to repeatedly pick it up and read it again--because you know there's some nuance you missed somewhere in those pages.

Personal aside: One of my favorite elements of anything I read is when it touches emotion(s) in me that I either didn't want to admit existed or spent a lot of time tamping down. Though I've never spent time in a group home, lived on the street, experienced more than a cursory dabbling in any drug culture, or delved into anything beyond a perfunctory knowledge of BDSM...there was such a raw honesty about Stephen's experiences that I related to them on gut level that is rare for me (with a book or another human being). I understood the debilitating depression and seeking out experiences and people that would make me forget about it, if just for a little while. I remember that lost feeling when the path I opted to take seemed to dead-end and I looked at it with blank eyes and no idea where to go from there. I felt that resentment and ire towards a family member and know how difficult it was to lend them some forgiveness so I could eventually forgive myself.

Oddly enough, The Adderall Diaries started out being a book I wanted to read because it was recommended (and admittedly, the author is hot--which is always a plus when reading intimate accounts of his/her life), but became a catharsis...a way for me to accept the things I didn't/wouldn't admit about me to myself and to others. It's honesty, in some ways, has led me to mine.

In the immortal worlds of Soul II Soul...

2009-11-30T14:03:00.002-06:00

Back to life/back to reality...

Thanksgiving weekend proved to be a little more busy/raucous than I'd expected. What was supposed to be one night out on the town turned into three out of the four nights out and a fair amount of booze during Thanksgiving dinner on the fourth evening.

I'm going into detox mode this week....plenty of water, lots of gym time and good for me sleep.

I ended up playing bartender/waitress on Wednesday night thanks to some people who were supposed to help out not doing so and leaving my dear ole dad to handle a bar-ful of folks clamoring for cocktails all at once. We didn't roll on home until almost two in the morning. That's a late night for my seventy something ma and pa!

We spent Thursday at my aunt & uncle's for Thanksgiving. It was a nice enough day, but honestly, I really just don't dig large family gatherings all that much. After hour number two, I'm ready to rock out of there--this year, I just drank more wine.

Friday was baking day and then the parade of lights, followed by more boozahol and one of the nicer bars in town (that i almost forgot about).

Saturday was the night for the gathering--of which only about 8 people came out of the 20-some that said they would. But, it didn't matter because we had a great time! Much banter, drinkin', dancin', and tomfoolery.

We headed back yesterday and stopped for some really good cajun grub in Utica, IL... it was the perfect topper for the weekend.

Now I have to have my no-people time. Four days constantly surrounded by others takes a toll on me...mass quantities of alone time will now be in order.

Oh, I also played disc golf for the first time...and managed to do a leaf taboggan 8'-10' down a pretty hairy ravine. I'm not sure what disc golf courses are like all around the U.S., but the one at home is downright psycho---huge inclines, creeks to traverse, more thorny bushes than you can count. But, it was pretty fun and some really good exercise. I have all intentions of trying it out again next time I'm home!

I think i might be on a roll...

2009-11-25T11:43:00.004-06:00

Since October 14th, I have lost 13 pounds. That's an average of 2.6 pounds a week. And that was without having a trainer (trainer Mary was off work due to some health/family issues for a few weeks). I start up the training with her on the 5th, so I'm hoping to see maybe a little more of a loss each week.

I also did something I normally don't do. Bought a 'weight loss' book. Actually it's Jillian Michael's "Losing to Win" and though I know I won't follow everything she says I should do, I did find a lot of really good information in it--and by good, I mean realistic. And it has an entire section of exercises of which about 85% one can do at home so it's going to make supplementing my gym time even easier (and less boring since I'll be able to mix it up more).

This weekend is going to be a little rough when it comes to weight loss. I have a HUGE tendency to want fatty, fatty goodness when I'm back home. And normally it's also my parents time to indulge too. So, I'm going to have to break the news that the fatty, fatty is going to have to be limited to Thanksgiving dinner. Add to it that there will be beers involved in at least two elements of the weekend...and it could spell disaster...IF I let it.

But, I've worked out a game plan. We're doing Thanksgiving at my aunt & uncle's place, which is smack-dab in the middle of a whole lot of woods. So, at some point, my lazy butt is going to get up and go for a hike. It's somewhat hilly and very pretty so I don't see it being a huge chore to do so.

The rest of the time, I'm either going to be hitting my parents' treadmill fairly hard or try to get a day pass or two to the Y or a gym in town, if they do that sort of thing--you never know with the wackiness in my hometown.

My Life...It's Kind Of A Bore

2009-11-13T12:30:00.004-06:00

Here's what I've been doing: getting up at the buttcrack of dawn, going to gym, going to work, going home, going to sleep.

Oh, there was an evening of drinks with a friend and lunch out with my tradeshow committee yesterday, so at least I got a little variety in there.

But, this is how one must play when trying to conserve the cash and the calories!

Speaking of the calories--I must be doing ok with this whole weight loss thing....I've lost eleven pounds in a month, which seems pretty on target to me.

I'm doing better about getting to the gym at least 4 times a week and I've started doing some short, fast bursts of exercise at home in the evenings as well.

Now that the feel no hunger phase is over, I'm finding myself craving things again, so that's been a little bit of a battle---keeping myself from going to the store to snag that pint of B&J. One of my rules is that there is no junk food in my home, whatsoever, at any time. I've gotten pretty good at distracting myself when those cravings hit--either by reading or doing those bursts of exercise.

I've also opted for no alcohol until the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend as my one "cheat day" on this. I noticed that I was far more sluggish working out after drinking last Tuesday and I didn't feel like I got optimal results from the workout, which seems to be a waste. If I'm going to be there, I need to be giving it my all and not just 1/2 of my efforts because I felt the need to drink the night before.

Once I get myself into a steady rhythm of working out and eating right it won't be as big of a deal to have a few drinks, but until then I just don't want the guilt that I know I'll feel each time I end up drinking and then trying to workout (or worse, skipping the workouts because I'd been drinking).

I'm kind of glad that I'm embarking on this in the midst of winter hibernation, when I don't really have the urge to go out and have drinks (like I do in the summer). It makes the decision that much easier to handle.

Now I just need to find a pair of cross-trainers. I've been primarily using my running shoes (even though I run very little, I still have a great pair of runners) and I'm having numb toes whenever I'm on the elliptical or arc trainer. Hopefully I can find a pair that will help alleviate that.

And I need some more workout pants or else I'm going to have to do laundry every three days!

How's It Goin?

2009-11-07T07:25:00.002-06:00

Pretty good. Thanks for asking. Work has steadied a little for the time being so I'm only putting in 45 hours a week instead of 65-70--that's a nice change! The weight loss meds seem to be doing the trick, though at moments I feel like Jesse Spano on caffeine pills 'I'M SO EXCITED'. And the true testament of how well they work--after beers we went for mexican food last night. Now, me and mexican food have a love affair that just won't ever stop--I will eat until I'm falling off my chair because it's so damn good.

Didn't happen last night kids. I brought home over 1/2 of my meal. Sure, I downed quite a few beers before we got there, but that never would've stopped me before. In fact, it usually made me feel that much more hungry.

I know this isn't the route for everybody--and a part of me feels kind of irresponsible touting the greatness of it. But, I won't let myself, nor will my Dr. let me be stupid with these things, so on a personal level I've become far more comfortable with the fact that I'm taking weight-loss meds. But, here's my PSA--it's not for everyone. go into it with some research and the guidance of a good dr. (and i'm not just saying that because mine reads this blog occasionally--she really is fantastic!). And most importantly, be willing to make a serious lifestyle change (thanks to Andrea for continually repeating that advise to me so that I don't forget it) for the long term. Meds are a short-term boost, not a solution and since they've been working so well, I've actually posted little notes to myself around my apt. as reminders of that. I don't want to fall into the trap of instant gratification and then see it all go to waste.\

So, with that said...I'm off to the gym. After I eat breakfast! Whole wheat pumpkin pancakes. I love fall.

Damage Control

2009-11-05T13:30:00.002-06:00

In my previous post, I mentioned the night-not-to-be with one of my members. Well, here's your update...

We've exchanged a few e-mails of odd wordplay and I'm standing by my decision that he's in a relationship---though he's not said it. I'm going with my gut.

With that being said, as much as I don't like the fact that he (and I) put myself in the position of having to worry about such a thing, I'm very glad he stopped before it went any further--because then I would be beating myself up something fierce. I don't sex-up other people's people, that's all there is to it.

But, now we're back to the fact that we do have to see each other at work functions. And in my mind, as a staffer, that means I have to do damage control. I have to be sure that I set things as right as I possibly can.

Thus, because I'm going to be in the 'burbs where he works on Monday evening, I sent him and a few of his co-workers e-mails to see if they wanted to have drinks. I figured an awkward moment in front of a few people will be a WHOLE lot better than an awkward moment, potentially in front of 100+ or even 10,000+ if it's at the big tradeshow. We'll see what happens. It's his call and either way is fine with me. And I will be able to go forward knowing I did what it took to smooth the way.

And yes, I know this should teach me to not get into work-related trysts...but, lets be realistic. When I spend well over half my time at work or at work functions and 97% of my members are men...well, the opportunities are really and truly low hanging fruit. I just need to be sure I handle things well in the end, regardless of the situation.

On the weight note---I opted for a route I NEVER thought I'd take. Pharma.

I've always been of the mind that "I should be able to do this without drugs or surgery or anything other than healthy eating and exercise". And that plan worked well in my 20s and early 30s---not so much my late 30s. So, I talked to my doctor and got an appetite suppressant.

Yep, it suppresses, in case you were wondering. I just started it yesterday and as I was warned, this week will be forcing myself to eat because the appetite just goes away. It does come back, just not like it was before (when I felt like I was hungry at any point in time when I was awake).

That and insomnia seem to be the only two issues thus far--and again, supposedly those both decrease quite a bit after the first week.

We'll see how it works out. I just wanted to get past the lose and gain of 5-7 pounds that kept happening. I'd lose the weight by going to the gym and cooking and being healthy and then work would blow up and I'd not get to the gym, not cook, and end up eating fast food for most meals---it was a cycle that I couldn't seem to get out of.

Hopefully, the meds. will act as a short term boost to get me past that hump and on my way to a healthier lifestyle in the long-term.

Tempted by PC/Kristen Cast

2009-11-02T11:35:00.003-06:00

Tempted? Yeah, don't be. Remember my hopes of something great from the Casts with their next book in this series? Didn't.Even.Come.Close.

This series went from ridonkulus teen dramacide to just plain ridiculous, ludicrous idiocy.

Zoey is A-ya, Kalona may not have been evil, Stevie Ray is harboring a raven mocker, the testosterone flowing is more junior high than high school, and through it all---there's not a damn bit of action. Unless you count the ending which I hope to all that's holy will be the ending of the series (but it won't).

Save the money and buy the Morganville Vampire's next installment coming out this week...because Tempted will more than likely tempt you to chuck it out a window or burn it in effigy.