Researcher Brené Brown became an overnight celebrity after she gave a TED Talk about vulnerability and shame that has been viewed over nine million times.

Everything she says about vulnerability and shame can be directly applied to survivors of child sex abuse. As a researcher, she states that it is a scientific fact that connection is the basis for human life and shame unravels connection. That spells problems for us survivors, because our most powerful emotion is shame. She goes on to say that shame makes us feel as though we are not worthy of connection.

Welcome to my world and that of many survivors who are working through a healing process. At times, we can feel unworthy—unworthy of love; unworthy of joy; unworthy of the good things in life. My life looked more like a battlefield than a playground or a park. My perceived strength was really coming from fear, because there was no way I was going to let anyone ever get the upper hand on me again. Show no vulnerability and give no quarter.

Ms. Brown tells us that vulnerability is not weakness, but is in fact strength. It is through the strength to risk vulnerability that we find connection, growth and joy. What that says to me is that I have watched life from behind my protective walls and lived closed off from the beauty that is all around, yet never touched it. That is no doubt why people commented on how serious I always seemed to be. By cutting off my pain I also cut off the good feelings in life.

I began my healing by telling my story to a therapist. In hindsight I realize that took real courage. I began shedding my shame a piece at a time. Once the walls built by my shame started coming down, I began feeling lots of emotions. In letting go of my fear, I found courage to tell my story and risk being imperfect (vulnerable) in the world. I have lived a linear life, only deviating from the line to go around obstacles. My life now is circular. I find amazing connections that come around when they are needed. Life can be so much more than a race down field  When we are strong enough to be vulnerable we find that everything is connected and in living those connections is a life of truth, worth and joy.  And yes, it includes tears and pain as well, but it is good just to feel after living numb for so long.

My wife and I got a wedding present a million years ago and it was a ceramic turtle with a small tag on it that said “Behold the turtle, he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.” May you find the strength to risk being vulnerable, tell your story, and in doing so find yourself, and all life has to offer.

Speaker, author and advocate for victims of child sexual abuse Randy Ellison, himself a victim as a teen, says he works on the issue because “we can’t stop the cycle of abuse unless it is not just acknowledged, but talked about, understood and prevented.” Author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse, Ellison is a child sexual abuse victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change on this issue working with local, state and national organizations addressing abuse prevention and awareness.

Ellison is a founding member and former board president of Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service, OAASIS. Working with OAASIS he has helped pass groundbreaking legislation in Oregon on child sex abuse. He is also a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force.

1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.

Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.org.

The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.

Robson appeared on the TODAY this morning to tell his side of the story. Some saw a person freeing himself from his past. Some saw a person looking to cash in on Jackson’s estate. Some saw a “traitor” who defiled the name of the man who made him. We saw the high-profile version of a situation that is all too common. Wade Robson’s is not a new story; in fact, it is a nearly textbook case of predatory grooming, sexual abuse, and the resulting trauma. We commend his brave decision to stand up and speak out about his experience.

Some are asking, why didn’t Robson tell someone about the sexual abuse when he was a child? About 73% of children do not tell anyone about sexual abuse for a year or more. Many never tell. Others are adults before they feel comfortable talking about the abuse. Disclosures can be preceded by years of denial – both to the public and to the self. Why? Because the grooming process works, and works well.

Jackson was a larger-than-life icon who took a special interest in Robson, featured him in music videos, and established his career. In 90% of child sexual abuse cases, children are abused by someone they know and love. Robson said, “From day one of the abuse, Michael told me that we loved each other and that this was love, that this was an expression of our love. And then you follow that up with ‘but if you ever tell anyone what we’re doing, both of our lives and our career will be over.’” The erosion of sexual boundaries, the veiled threats, the shared secret – all are classic examples of grooming behaviors.

Then why, as an adult, did Robson lie about the abuse? Why didn’t he help the child who accused Jackson of molestation? Quite simply, because he loved Michael Jackson. Because he was still being groomed by Jackson, who called him every day of the trial to “role play” and reinforce the shared secret. Because Jackson recreated the shame and fear caused by the abuse, convincing Robson they would both go to jail. Abuse victims don’t necessarily want to end the relationship with their abusers, or to see them harmed or punished. They just want the abuse itself to end. The likely truth is that Robson had not yet faced the truth and was incapable of acting as an advocate for himself, much less anyone else.

Most people think of abuse as a physically painful process. With child sexual abuse, this is not always the case. There are often no visible signs of child sexual abuse, and victims can appear to be happy and successful, both as children and as adults. The emotional trauma caused by child sexual abuse, however, can last a lifetime if not addressed. Robson’s breakdowns following the birth of his son were very possibly the first outward manifestations of the damage caused by Jackson. We applaud him for having the courage to come forward and share his story. As he stated, “I want to say to those victims that under NO circumstances was it or is it EVER your decision or your fault that you were sexually abused. Please find a way to safely speak your truth because the healing process cannot begin until you do. It is not easy in the slightest but it is absolutely possible to heal and get your life back.”

Pennsylvania — The Stewards of Children program soon will take a giant leap toward the goal of educating 5,000 Centre County residents to recognize and report child abuse.

“This is a social epidemic and a real tragedy,” said Heather Randazzo, program coordinator for the Childhood Trauma Treatment Program run by Advocate Health Care. “A tremendous number of people experience abuse and don’t come forward.

“It’s like slavery,” she said. “We all have to do something in order to end it.”

That something begins with increased awareness, and what better time to consider this than during National Child Abuse Prevention month.

In addition to evaluating and treating children who have been abused, the program, with offices in Oak Lawn and Bolingbrook, sponsors workshops aimed at helping adults help children.

It has just trained its 1,000th adult in the Stewards of Children community outreach program. As a result, more than 10,000 children are now better protected from sexual abuse, Randazzo said.

Helping the helpers

The Childhood Trauma Treatment Program relies on funding from United Way and local fundraising efforts. On April 13, it will host the 16th Annual Start Early Run to raise awareness and generate funds. The public can help by participating or donating directly.

Officials said 100 percent of donations go to support the program, which has been providing specialized psychological services to the community for more than 30 years.

For more information, visit www.advocatehealth.com/cttp

BY Donna Vickroy with The Herald-News, A Chicago Sun-Times Publication
dvickroy@southtownstar.com
Twitter: @dvickroy April 8, 2013 4:40PM

Excerpt from the Dee Norton Lowcountry Children’s Center April newsletter

WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD? WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO HELP KEEP CHILDREN SAFE FROM ABUSE? WILL YOU BELIEVE?

You are at work and receive a call from your child’s after-school sitter informing you that your child came home from playing in the neighborhood, and disclosed that she had been sexually assaulted. What would you do?

Your two children want to go to summer camp. You do research before sending them to determine that they will be safe, and allow them to go. Upon returning home, your older child is withdrawn and sad. A few days after returning home, your younger child informs you that while they were at camp somebody tried to force his older brother to touch his “private parts” in front of other children. What would you do?

The most important factors in the healing for an abused child are to be believed and protected. Being believed is crucial to how a child heals from the trauma of abuse.

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This is a great thought, and it makes us wonder — what would you do? Knowing how to respond to disclosures and suspicions of sexual abuse is as important as knowing how to prevent it. Anger and disbelief are very real and understandable responses to child sexual abuse. It is natural for adults to feel anger about the abuse and disbelief at the situation. Unfortunately, children don’t always know how to process this flow of emotion, and can interpret it as directed at them. If they think you are upset, they may even change their story or deny anything happened. For their sake, take a deep breath and react in a calm and supportive manner, even though calm may be the last thing you are feeling.

The important thing to do is act. Act on suspicions. Act on disclosures. Do not dismiss them, as uncomfortable as they may make you. It doesn’t matter if it’s your friend, your colleague, your sibling, or your religious leader — your first obligation is to the well being of the child. To quote Helen Keller, “I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do something I can do.” You may not be able to help every child, but you can make a difference to this one. So, the question is…

What would you do?

Ro Molyneux is chief operating officer at Central Bucks Family YMCA and facilitator of the Darkness to Light program.

On May 21st, community organizations will meet at the Central Bucks YMCA to discuss child sexual abuse prevention. The goal is to train 31,350 adults in Stewards to help create a prevention movement in their community. To hear more from one of the Central Bucks YMCA facilitators, Ro Molyneux, please go to:

http://www.phillyburbs.com/lifestyle/moms/darkness-to-light-s-stewards-of-children-program-training-available/article_42da7307-4ee1-5b73-9a07-d8041a17e6a9.html

A few weeks ago I gave my first public speech on being a sexual abuse survivor. I must admit, that recently I have done  a few interviews for newspapers and magazines, and even a training video that will go around  world to train people on preventing and helping those that have been sexually abused. In none of those interviews or filming did I cry once. For some reason when I gave the speech, I cried the first 10 minutes of the speech. I spoke after the CEO of the Georgia Center for Child Advocacy spoke about the center, all of the children they help and some of the stories about the kids. I got emotional thinking about those kids and the road they still have to travel to heal. By time I got up to speak, I just started to cry softly, but I was able to speak and eventually regain my full composure. I saw many other people crying and it just confirmed why I must continue to do what is asked of me to make others aware of the damage done by childhood sexual abuse, and most importantly, all of us survivors can thrive and live a happy and great life after sexual abuse with the proper counseling and love from others in our lives. Every call, letter or email thanking me for speaking up, confirms my actions are helping others heal and that is my goal, to help others heal and thrive.

The message I will continue to preach is hope, love, forgiveness and developing a strong will to get through our trauma and live a great and happy life.

Shared by CSA survivor Dave Moody

This will be the second Stewards of Children training held in the town of Dracut. The first took place on March 7 with the city’s recreation department. This training has been made available to the town of Chelmsford and is offered to day care providers, teachers, parents, sport/recreation groups and concerned citizens.  “At the Y, we are committed to protecting the innocence of children,” says Ray Adams, Greater Lowell Family YMCA chief executive officer. “We are glad to be part of the solution by educating responsible adults and we are grateful to the school department for supporting this important community effort.”

Many businesses are now taking comprehensive steps to better protect the children they serve. Churches, youth centers, recreational facilities, and education providers nationwide have joined the movement as D2L Partners in Prevention. As a parent or concerned adult, you have the right to know if the organizations in your community belong to this growing circle of protection. Talk to your church, your day care, your child’s dance studio or soccer team: ask them about their child protection policies. Dance studios have fire safety evacuation procedures. Soccer coaches monitor players for signs of heat exhaustion. Day cares take extensive measures to ensure children go home with the correct people at the end of the day. Yet, children are far more likely to experience sexual abuse than fire, heat stroke, or kidnapping. It’s okay to expect a lot from youth-serving organizations – our children are worth it.

If any of your community organizations do not currently implement child-protective policies, several factors may be at play. They may be intimidated by the subject, unsure of where to begin, concerned about the cost, or a combination of the three. If this is the case, simply let them know how a few small steps can make a very large difference. Tell them:

1. Organizations have a duty to the children they serve to know how to prevent, recognize, and react responsibly to child sexual abuse;
2. Preventive measures can be both cost-effective and easy to implement;
3. When organizations and parents work together to actively protect children, it provides all children in the community with the ability to grow up healthy and whole.

Prevention training programs such as those offered by Darkness to Light, coupled with support services such as those offered by local child advocacy centers provide comprehensive resources to protect and assist the children of our community. Let’s raise the bar on protection standards, and keep our children safe. Share your commitment to protecting children and Join the Movement to end child sexual abuse!

Kim Alvarez, with Darkness to Light Stewards of Children, leads a training session teaching how to recognize and prevent child sexual abuse on Saturday at the Polk County Sheriff’s Office East Region Command in Winter Haven. About 30 people attended the session, at left, asking questions and commenting during a break in the training video.

PAUL CRATE | LEDGER MEDIA GROUP PHOTOS