dacrocyte

The Doctor in Me

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 22:32:00 +0000

Yesterday, I went to see granny in the ICU.

The way I acted. Shameful.

I wore the gown, took my shoes off, and slipped on their cheap rubber slippers.

When I got in, I went straight to her bed, inspected her. GCS 5 with signs of uremia and fluid overload. There were 3 bags of fluid hanging behind her bed.

I checked her VS list, stable.

Checked her cardiac monitor, with occasional irregular rhythms. 99% O2 sat.

Went over the respirator, FiO2 of 32, RR of 24.

Her urine bag was empty. According to the nurse, she’s been anuric for days despite the furosemide. Subsequently, she started blabbering about my granny’s course in the ICU.

I moved over to granny’s right side, held her hand and said

Lola, si James po to.

She’s trying to open her eyes. I knew it was difficult for her. It did open for a sec. Maybe she was just trying to confirm if it was really me. I really don’t knoe.

Then there she goes again, unresponsive.

I was back to the nurse,

What’s her dialysis schedule?

M-W-F

…

Ion’t think Lola liked the way I acted in her ICU.

Do Not Resuscitate

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:25:00 +0000

There’s a certain point in life that we need to say no, stop. Even to the extent of exhausting all our energies and means; that the extraordinary efforts should be dropped and just let things go away, naturally.

Relax.

Then re-think.

There’s an end into everything. Nothing is permanent. Detach. Let go. Move on. DNR.

Kay sarap sariwain
ang malayang kahapon
ang hirap isipin kaylayo ng noon
(tsoodoodoodoodoodooo)
Tama ka nga
walang saysay kung itutuloy pa
hayaan na natin ang bukas
ngunit sa gabing ito
hawakan ang aking kamay
muling sundan ang mga unang yapak
ng ating pagmamahalan
(tsoodoodoodoodoodooo)
Tama ka nga
walang saysay kung ibabalik pa
hayaan na natin ang bukas
minsan nagtatanong kung saan
kailan, paano nasimulan
ang katapusang mahirap takasan
pero huwag na, ibato mo na lang sa ulan
(tsoodoodoodoodoodooo)
Tama ka nga
walang saysay kung itutuloy pa
hayaan na natin
hayaan na natin
hayaan na natin ang bukas
Kay sarap sariwain
ang malayang kahapon
ang hirap isipin kaylayo ng noon

Tama Ka by Eraserheads…

Just save people’s lives… Aryt?

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:33:00 +0000

In a world where anything can really happen, we must be ready. Complaining is not an option in situations where we are responsibly involved; where “I” put myself “into”.

I don’t get it when people complain about their jobs; why not just quit?

Today, I heard millions of complaints about busy schedules and how toxic their life could be. Can’t we even be more joyful when we encounter several things to do at work? Cos that’s what we’re supposed to be looking for. That’s what we’re supposedly doing, actually.

And at the first place, we chose the job. In our case, we chose to save lives. We chose to run around the wards, take care of patients and at times even loose our own safety blankets. It’s a commitment that we should keep for the rest of our lives.

So please, just do your job.

And be happy that you even have one.

I’m Yours

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:06:00 +0000

The Script defines sadness. I only get to listen to it if I feel sad, or alone. But no! Not until a friend made me realize, that a song in their self-titled album The Script is not melancholic at all. Actually, it sounds desperately depressing, not until you understand what the story of the song is all about.

I am so loving it right nao. This is for y’all.

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap you thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You heeled these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours

Thou Shalt Not Fear

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:40:00 +0000

I took my chance, dropped my boundaries; but it wasn’t something mutual, t’was unrequited.

I am not sure if what I did was incredibly brave. I made myself too available and vulnerable. I let ‘detachment’ work but it failed.

I wanna end this insanity, darn it.

Please let it drop away…

…Give me a brand new morning.

But still, I am not going to be afraid.

Have You Ever?

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 16:22:00 +0000

by Brandy

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

from 1998 album Never Say Never

My Ondoy Experience

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 05:31:00 +0000

The night before typhoon Ondoy hit Manila, me and my friends were in Makati watching a movie. Before we got inside the theater at around 11PM, the rain was already pouring to its craziness.

We were in awe when after the movie, the rain was still pouring like there’s no tomorrow; getting stronger; it won’t stop. As I drove my way back home to QC hitting the strip of EDSA, the rain did not fail to stop instead became even stronger and stronger. I already noticed several accumulations of water in some parts of EDSA causing the slow-movement of traffic.

When I got home, I was too tired, I immediately hit the bed.

I woke up at around 6:30AM to work, still raining. I knoe, right? I was late. Still, I managed to check the weather in PAGASA and Yahoo Weather that said it will rain heavily with tropical storms the entire day. I checked for for cancellation of classes but I wasn’t able to find any.

So I went to work.

When working in a busy place like the hospital, we care less on what’s currently happening outside. That being said, we were unaware of the impending flood that’s about to happen.

Not until upon crossing the bridge connecting the Clinical Division Hospital and the Pay Hospital that I saw the immediate rise of the water inside the campus.

I called one of my friends,

Where are you?

I am already at home, they already announced a skeleton duty.

What?! We didn’t hear that announcement.

Finally, one of our residents told us to go home already; a late announcement.

People were piled up in the hospital entrance when we were about to leave. Flood was already knee-high. People won’t disperse. We felt helpless and hopeless. At that time, I thought we will be stranded in the hospital.

But we really wanted to go home. We don’t want to be stuck in the hospital especially in an Ophthalmology rotation. There’s nothing much to do. Our last resort was to walk through the flood.

Luckily, one of our interns was there with her very reliable Starex van. We found out that we actually live in the same street and she offered us a ride. She’s so generous.

So there, I was spared in wetting my feet with flood waters. But no! Not until we reach the front building of our apartment. We didn’t have a choice but to get out of the van, dip our feet in the water and walk until we reach 1162. Gawd, it was really disgusting. But what can we do. eryt?

Initally, we felt safe. But the rain continued. It didn’t fail to stop. And the water just kept rising. We got scared. Few more steps then it’s game over. Our unit is located in the first floor so, we were scared our building would be invaded by the flood.

So we decided to stay in my friend’s unit in the third floor.

The rain cannot be stopped. Our cars parked in front of our building started to sink. We cannot do anything. I just hoped and prayed, the cars would eventually start after the flood.

We were watching TV for news updates and some cool TV shows to entertain us, until I finally drowsed myself off. Then…

They cut off the electricity. Our batteries started to drain and we can’t cook! We also can’t find someone to deliver us food. So there, we did not eat dinner and decided to sleep our hungry stomachs off in a very sweaty night.

The following day, my cellphone batteries were already drained. For sure, my family and friends were trying to reach me; and worried cos I am nowhere to be contacted. There’s also none to eat, I went back to our unit and surprisingly, everything’s dry and clean just as how we left it last night. I prepared my cereals. I was sooo famished.

I decided to go home to QC despite the unsafe status of the Metro to travel. Luckily, car didn’t disappoint me. It worked fine, but the breaks were just too weak to handle.

It was a horrible experience. I knoe a lot of people suffered worse than what I had.

I am safe, thank God. Thanks to those who helped us get through the flood and to those who cared and remembered (It always flood around the UST, hehehe…); to those who texted and called, to those who checked if I am ok.

I am safe. Now, it’s my turn to make sure others are safe and ok.

With over 200 deaths already, I hope this will soon be over.

*See you at Citizens' Disaster Response Network in West Triangle!

Mom post

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:00:00 +0000

Today is not mothers’ day but I feel like writing something about my mom, so here it is.

Mom is like me, we have a lot of things in common. If I were a girl, I’ll be her; a lot younger her, of course. ROFL.

Anyway, yes, we have a lot of things in common. That bond us.

First of all, I look just like her.

If I were to remove my Wayfarer, or if mom would wear the MJ sunglasses I gave her, you can really say that I am apparently, really her son; and she is obviously my biological mom. No more questions asked, e?

Not convinced?

Well at least say we’re related, aryt? Haha.

But she’ll be happy if you’d tell her,

Oh, I though he is your younger ~~older~~ brother.

Like she’s my twin sister. Or some sorta like that. ROFL. Unfur! Hahaha…

Second commonality, we share the same activities that please us most.

Evidence one, all her children but me or… let me just say all my siblings hate shopping. I am her only child who enjoys walking the entire day inside the mall, and even hop from one mall to another, to just shop and look for even unnecessary stuff. This actually made us a lot closer, like having a mutual relationship. Cos since my dad also hates shopping, she benefits on me by letting me drive her to the mall, and I benefit on her for buying me stuff. Haha.

Evidence two, we both love to talk, and I really thank God cos I got that special talent from her since I think I easily get the trust and confidence of patients because of that, through being a talker. As in a looot. Doing my rounds take me hours, longer than the others cos I dunno, I just talk a lot.

Evidence three? We both love to go places we’ve never been before, or just go somewhere beyond the premises of the house. We are extroverts, per se. We love to eat outside, try new thing. If only we are millionaires or even billionaires, we probably have traveled the entire world. That, so to speak will probably be the luxury I will give mom once she’s over her responsibilities to us.

Evidence four? Coffee for both of us is pleasure, it is lurv. The best-est. I even knoe her fave Sbux beverage, hmmm this: a “Venti, hot, 2% mocha, no whip, with 2 packets of Splenda”. Cos if we don’t get a fix, we get a headache, ~~worse than migraine,~~ even just for a day without gulping caffeinated beverage. Imagine that.

Fifth evidence is, we share the same likeness in terms of books to read, music to listen and movies to watch. We both love Kane & Abel, we’re not bias to the type of music that we hear as long as it’s cool; from Earth, Wind & Fire to Lady GaGa, and we enjoyed movies like My Bestfriend’s Wedding and Kramer vs. Kramer.

We are that close!

That we also have to update each other over our phones, sometimes even everyday if I am not that busy.

Isusubo ko na, ipapakain ko pa sa inyo.

That’s what I always hear from mom. And it silences us all.

She will provide everything we need as long as she has the means. Not only that, she’s the person through which everything make sense.

Whatever the problem is or even whoever the problem might be, rest assured, mom will solve ‘em. She is a superwoman.

Cause she’s a Superwoman
Yes she is
Even when she’s a mess
She still put on a vest
With an S on her chest
She’s a Superwoman

I can literally tell everything to her. I mean, of course not all of ‘em and technically not all the time but well, most of the time she’s the only person I can talk to. Seriously.

Well, today ain’t mother’s day but last Thursday was her special day.

*was supposed to post this last week but since I was too busy, I failed.

Belated Happy birthday mom!

Happy birthday to the bestest mom in the world!

Thanks for everything.

See you soon!

Attraction

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:04:00 +0000

Don’t just stare there, trying to melt my heart…

It will not. Don’t tire those pretty eyes.

If you like me, then talk to me.

I love to talk, and is attracted to sensible conversations…

Try me.

Talk to me, then let’s see what will happen next…

Fo sho looks good, e? But looks can be very boring…

Somewhere Only We Knoe

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 13:35:00 +0000

Performed and composed by English alternative rock band Keane, officially released as their third commercial single, and appearing as the opening track of their debut album, Hopes and Fears as the first single.

The real meaning of the song's video and lyrics remain unknown; however, several an accepted meaning refers to "Manser's Shaw", a place in Battle where Keane members used to visit in their childhood days and the site of the Battle of Hastings, fought in October 14, 1066.

Richard Hughes, Keane's drummer, offered the following explanation of the song on Chris Flynn's fansite:

“We've been asked whether "Somewhere Only We Know" is about a specific place, and Tim has been saying that, for him, or us as individuals, it might be about a geographical space, or a feeling; it can mean something individual to each person, and they can interpret it to a memory of theirs... It's perhaps more of a theme rather than a specific message... Feelings that may be universal, without necessarily being totally specific to us, or a place, or a time..."

For me, the song is about a feeling, where

Somewhere only we know…

Click click click!

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I`m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you`re gonna let me in
I`m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I`ve been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I`m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you`re gonna let me in
I`m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don`t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don`t we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I`m getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you`re gonna let me in
I`m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don`t we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don`t we go
Somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything
So why don`t we go
Somewhere only we know?

Causticity…

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 01:07:00 +0000

I develop acne breakouts along my jawline whenever I change razor blades.

I develop attachment issues and quash a piece of me whenever I meet a new interesting person.

Awful.

Just when I thought…

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 12:56:00 +0000

I am going to spend my 5th year in my journey through medical education in somewhere but here, I just realized I will not. I think I will be stuck in the University to which I spent my 8 years already.

Initially, my thoughts were heading somewhere like Baguio City. Baguio General Hospital was my first choice of hospital. The pros? First of all I think my parents are currently in the empty nest syndrome stage, and it’s a little saddening. I knoe it’s a normal stage in people’s lives but what the heck, right? If I can make it a little easier for them, then let me do it. This year, another brother has to be here in Manila as well to take a college degree. What’s left to my parents in the province is my little sister who is currently in her 5th year in primary education.

That being said, I want to at least spend a year somewhere near the province where I grew up and was raised decently by mom and dad. Baguio City is an hour or less drive from my hometown which is “I knoe, right?” very cool. And since I think I already cannot live for a long time in a place where dependable and conventional bars and restos don’t reside, Baguio is the closest thing to Manila in the north.

Baguio General Hospital is a public hospital and I believe I will learn a lot in there, I will probably improve my skills like doing minor procedures. But in that case, it will force me to study on my own because it’s not a teaching hospital.

Another good point of spending a year in Baguio is the weather. I can probably wear long sleeve shirts everyday at work without me looking so stupid cos of the appropriateness to the cold environment. Variation of outfits will surely make me enjoy going to work, unlike just the usual uniformity of white top crested by a short-sleeve white coat that interns wear in our hospital.

While in Psychiatry, I met a doctor who just came back from the US to fill in the required rotations he didn’t have while still here in the Philippines.

I am ~~planning~~ ardent about taking the USMLE once I am done with the local boards. Yes earthlings, I plan to work across the globe but not necessarily in the US. I’d love to go out and explore.

I found out from him that there are US states requiring residency applicants to have internship program from a teaching hospital. That alone, devastated me. Not just that, they require a month long rotation in Psychiatry and only UST hospital have a rotation in psychiatry during internship.

I thought I will be gone in this institution and will be in somewhere else, then I guess I’ll be staying for yet another year.

Where are these teaching hospitals anyway?

PGH? UST? Where else?

FEU, UE, SLU, Fatima, St. Luke’s, MCU?

These teaching hospitals love their own products. Besides, who would be in his/her right mind would risk working in a place where you would technically feel alone, cos surely for them you came from somewhere foreign; like an alien, definitely.

So do I have a choice? NONE. Will jot down in the form…

It’s a little sad but whatever.

Drenched

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:18:00 +0000

The night before I went on duty, I was summoned to watch the movie about a guy who travels in time. After the mind-numbing movie, it poured in QC while we were heading back home, but then it suddenly stopped like a crying baby get to suckle mom’s breast for milk; somewhere in the stretch of Quezon Ave.

Wait, breast and Quezon Avenue doesn’t sound so good together in a paragraph, right? But hell so, what?

It sounds pervy, actually. Haha.

Anyway, the soil was dry before I retire myself to sleep. When I woke up at around 5:30 in the mawnin for duty, our street was submerged by rainwater which was thick and musky. Ew. Eventually, an announcement was passed through SMS that only the duty clerks will have to go to the hospital to work.

D*mn it was! I was a clerk on duty.

But I didn’t go out until maybe it was 10. My call time is 6:30. I was late, but it was understandable. Cos hello?!

Leptospirosis?

Who wouldn’t?!

Water was everywhere, and it even caused the emergency room in the pay division hospital to close.

What?!

I knoe, right? And it s*cked big time cos our emergency room in the clinical “charity” division was open. So in that case, all the patients, rich or poor, well dressed or not, coño or jologs, consulted to us. And worse, chief complaints were as minor as simple zits. Gawd! It was exasperating!

What is, I admitted a patient who just cannot sleep! Is insomnia now an indication for hospital admission?!

I really don’t think so, even if the patient has some sort of mood disorder at the back of the insomnia symptom.

Right? Right? Right?

But! Since the patient can afford a thousand bucks worth of hospital bed, then so what, admit the patient. As in nao.

So the indication there is patient’s choice to be admitted? ROFL.

Doctor, please reserve a room for me cos I feel like admitting myself now.

Haha.

So that duty day was more eventful than the movie I just saw the night before.

It was the day that wrapped our duty days in neurology up and started our insanity in the psychiatry ward.

ER…

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:51:00 +0000

Er, our last 10 days in surgery department deal with emergency cases and out-patient care which more or less involves minor surgeries, ambubag-ing, chest compressions, STAT referrals, ABCs and other technical instrumentalities.

Saying goodbye to the ward for the meantime is a little less sad than the goodbyes that we use to knoe. ER patients once admitted will be transferred to their rooms and being handled by those in the wards, and if patients refuse admission, then we let them go home. That’s the sole point of the ER, we only let patient stay in the ER when the patient is in need of emergency treatment and unstable in need of immediate care.

ER day 1

6:51AM, just as I arrived in the ER…

3:17PM, patients coming in. Non-stop.

6:42PM, ER beds were all occupied.

6:22AM, the following day…

OPD later, to do minor surgeries. (with matching dark eye-bags)

The Vigilante?

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Got this quiz from Jepoi. A little uhum… less true.ROFL. So there, don’t mess up with me… Or else, I’ll break your tiny bones into pieces. haha. Take the quiz! It’s interesting, fun and very interactive…

Bye for nao.

Congratulations, Tita Cory!

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 13:55:00 +0000

Well, you might wonder and say,

What the hell are you talking about?!

Yes, I congratulate Tita Cory not because of the fact that she just died. That would be very mean and imbecilic of me.

We congratulate people when they accomplish something in their lives, right? Well, as we all knoe, she is a super woman. She accomplished a lot in her life; being a good mom to her children, being a mass leader against those who were corrupted, fought against a dictator, led our country to restore its vivacity pre-martial law, and coped with colon malignancy. These were all that I can think of nao but I knoe there are more than what I’ve mentioned.

Like for example being someone’s bestest friend? I just don’t knoe.

She lived her life. Beat that!

She had so much burden yet she’s such a great person. She deserves to graduate from this life where everything is unfair and go to somewhere where she doesn’t have to think of any more burden, right?

Again, congratulations!

I knoe this entry might be a little esoteric. But I think Tita Cory is very happy nao. Seriously.

Sunken & Soaked?

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 13:08:00 +0000

Shooooot!

WTF?!

For real?!

This was the UST Hospital Lobby, last night.

Aw…

Awesome? Awful? Or Awkward?

Go figure!

Here’s the view from the outside:

I was not personally in here, luckily, cos I was in a “From Duty” status. And I wasn’t able to go back to the apartment last night cos the rain was crazy as hell. Well, I found out this morning that the water almost went inside 6211!!! Would you believe?!

And it doesn't even flood in our street, Never! Ever! Not until last night!

And our unit is in the first floor! Owell. Should I be scared now?

So, I did not take these pictures.

Thanks to Melai Camua for the awesome (well, for me they are) pictures!!! I hope she didn’t get Leptospirosis.

Ex-ing…

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 11:28:00 +0000

How would you react when an ex greeted you a happy birthday?

Well, first of all… Don’t react. Never ever react. But…

Ahm… Say, thank you?

Exactly!

Be polite. Restrictively polite. If there is even such a thing.

And that’s just what I did. Period. Sent a thank you message with the plainest smiley character in the end.

Remember, it should not hint her or make her feel responsible of responding back, again. Or anything sorta like that.

Okay, whatever.

Oops!

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 13:14:00 +0000

I forget! It’s almost my birthday! LOLercoaster!

Plans plans plans…

No plans. ROFL.

I will treat…

Myself. Hahaha.

It’s my birthday and I am gonna celebrate for still being young and alive! Hopefully, I could.

But I need some peace and quiet... That’s all. Or whatever it is people go away for.

Did you just notice how pathetic I am right nao?

I am absolutely aware of it. I am soooo freakin boring! I am literally bored! Sometimes I get self-conscious about that and it’s sad. Makes me more… sad. How's that for something to admit?

I can't believe this... I can't go anywhere. Not even for my birthday! Stuck. Suck!

If I ever get out of here
Thought of giving it all away
To a registered charity
All I need is a pint a day
If I ever get out of here
If we ever get out of here

Band on the Run by Paul McCartney

PS: Please send me some corny jokes. I need to laugh!

Beep me! ~~Send me some greetings!~~

Feelings, et al

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:44:00 +0000

Even though I am known by some to have a heart as hard as stone, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places we didn't know we had inside us. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts we get, or gyms we join, or jog laps that we finish, or crunches that we sweat, or how many glasses of vodka we drink with our friends... we still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what we did wrong or how we could have misunderstood.

I can say that I am a little ignorant about love. I am too sick and tired of searching for almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I don’t think about love more than anyone really should. Cos love is amazing, it has its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. Love comes in different forms. Some, forbidden yet it’s still love. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night, or into someone who is wrong or worse an illusion.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert, for several reasons and evidences I don’t want to disclose. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are reading at one such individual’s blog.

And I have willingly loved several of them for a million times already! Of course that’s an exaggeration but I can say that it’s absolute the worst feeling of my life! Those days that I have been in love one-sidedly have been the darkest times of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with people who does not and will not love me back.

Oh gawd, just the thought of it!

Reminiscing the glorious past!

Heart pounding!

Throat thickening!

Absolutely can't swallow!

All the usual symptoms.

Now how in the hell for a brief moment we could think that we were that happy. And sometimes we can even convince ourselves that that person see the light and show up at our doors, sooner or later.

Pathetic.

And after all that, however long all that may be, we'll go somewhere new. And we'll meet people who make us feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of our soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of our lives that we wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

***

Some texts were excerpts from the movie “The Holiday”, edited based on what the blogger feels and relates.

Spiderwebs

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 14:12:00 +0000

One of my fave No Doubt songs, Guitar Hero World Tour tracks and OST for the 2nd season of Gossip Girl.

Spiderwebs is a ska punk song written by Gwen Stefani and Tony Kanal for No Doubt's third studio album Tragic Kingdom (1995). Some say this song is actually about Crystal Meth, hence the term “spiderwebs” used to describe the spiderweb like pattern it creates inside the pipe… Woah, makes you wonder why Gwen is so skinny, e? LOL. But it is not so hard to imagine, right? Early 90's Orange County, Sublime's songs STP (Secret Tweaker Pad) and D.J's (dope junkies) clearly reflect the use of speed smoking, and No Doubt was no exception.

But licitly speaking, this song is about a woman who tries to characterize the man who she won't like to talk like an ex-boyfriend or a guy who she is trying to get over with into a stalker because she has decided not to answer any more of his calls and wants to make sure that she doesn't talk to him or have contact with him because everytime she talks to him she gets more caught up in his web and she cant break free.

Very shallow, I knoe. And the Meth is more believable?

Oh and the chorus part of this song is a very cool line to answering machines, right? But since iont use the creepy old talking machine, I’ll use the chorus as my ringtone. yey!

Click, click, click!

You think that we connect
That the chemistry's correct
Your words walk right through my ears
Presuming I like what I hear

And now I'm stuck in the web
You're spinning
You've got me for your prey

Sorry I'm not home right now
I'm walking into spiderwebs
So leave a message
And I'll call you back
A likely story, but leave a message
And I'll call you back

You're intruding on what's mine and
You're taking up my time
Don't have the courage inside me
To tell you please let me be

Communication, a telephonic invasion
I'm planning my escape...

And it's all your fault
I screen my phone calls
No matter who calls
I gotta screen my phone calls

Now it's gone too deep
You wake me in my sleep
My dreams become nightmares
'Cause you're ringing in my ears.

ooh spider webs
leave a message and I'll call you back
I'm walkin in a spider webs
so leave a message and I'll call you back

it's all your fault
I screen my phone calls
no matter matter matter who calls
I gotta screen my phone calls
it's all your fault
it's all your fault
no matter who calls
no matter who calls

I'm walkin in a spider webs
so leave a message and I'll call you back
I'm walkin in a spider webs
leave a message and I'll call you back

Let’s talk about benignity

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 13:34:00 +0000

God bless me.

This is probably the most benign rotation in surgery, EVER. I am currently rotating in TCVS (Thoraco-cardiovascular surgery) and Orthopedic surgery. This rotation makes me feel like there’s really life besides going on duty; to just sit inside our quarters, do nothing but stare at each other, wait for the duty end, play Plants vs. Zombies, check Facebook updates, monitor patients in the ward every 4 hours and as my last resort to read books when all else fail to keep me lively.

This is what I’ve been waiting for, a period to breathe and to repose, to think and realize that I also have my own life that I should also take care of.

Since clerkship started, all I did is to think about patients. Even when I knoe that I am already away from the hospital premises, I bring parts of my patients with me back home… Not their body parts of course but the numerous papers to be filled up and medical abstracts to be clearly narrated. Also, we are responsible and must read articles and matters regarding their cases and ORs to be done.

Is this how doctors really live?

I seldom see my family nao, I forget to clip my fingernails and toenails, I haven’t had a drink for ages already, I barely see my non-med very close friends, I can’t find time to jog nor do crunches in my room, I sometimes even forget to finish my cereals or finish my cup of coffee in the morning.

Maybe.

So in times like this, let me enjoy. I currently don’t have a patient. We have patients but I don’t have my “own” patient.

Did you get the point?

But sooner or later, I knoe patients need me. They need my help; my knowledge and skills… In short, I knoe I will be back to patient care.

Owell, cheers!

I nao can say that being a doctor is the most noble profession in this world. I am nao experiencing the load of work to handle; the number of patients that must be treated whatever the case may be and whenever time they arrive in the ER; the amount of hours in the OR standing, I’m telling you it’s tormenting; the rush we feel when we sense a patient is about to “code”, and what more when the patient is already “coding”!

Seriously, I must enjoy. Nao.

Then I’ll see you after I finish General Surgery, Trauma and ER surgery.

I knoe there’s a storm coming ahead.

Dak=Toxic

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 15:41:00 +0000

My name defines toxicity. Yes, I attract toxic patients. And every duty that I’ve been through, it’s always toxic. Without fail.

Take for example my current patient, a 70 year old female diagnosed with subarachnoid hemorrhage, in other words, stroke. I had experienced monitoring her on her bedside every 15 minutes for 4 hours because she’s GCS7 E1V1M5, meaning she had no eye opening, no verbal response and she just moves on painful stimulation. Technically, she’s supposed to be already hooked with a tube down to her lungs, but iont think she was actually intubatable cos she’s still breathing by herself and not in distress. Well, so she was not.

The good thing is, she’s okay nao, not really okay-okay, but a lot better than GCS7. She’s nao GCS13, concious, a little lethargic but sometimes still confused or silent.

Last duty, I admitted another patient with the same diagnosis. She came from the Pay or the UST private hospital transferred to the clinical division or the “charity hospital” due to i-dunno-why, probably financial crisis… and the relatives kinda freaked out when they saw how the Clinical Division wards look like. I even overheard a relative said,

Aren’t we gonna get Dengue fever in here?

Duh! Freak!

What does she think of patients who cannot afford private rooms? Aedes mosquitos?! LOL. Luckily, the patient wasn’t admitted in our service. I just can imagine the things they will probably demand from the clerks.

Tomorrow will be my last duty day in neuro and plastic surgery. I hope it will be fine. For good.

No toxic patients!!! (crossing fingers)

BTW, I would like to congratulate my brother who just passed the recent pharmacy boards. Yey! I can very much relate. I can reminisce the time when I was in his place, waiting for the result. It was grievous! But the sublime feeling of passing the exam was ecstatic. Euphoric. Better than a 4-hr long of hot foreplay. Orgasmic?! ROFL.

Well, at least it’s not a month-long wait, right? right? That’s gonna kill me I swear. LOL.

Bye for nao. (Keep your fingers crossed!)

McDreamy and McSteamy rotation

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 10:57:00 +0000

Did you knoe that I’ll be rotating in Plastic and Neuro Surgery starting tomorrow for 10 freaking days?! I am too excited I dunno how to elaborate what I am currently feeling. Just a while ago, a new patient was endorsed to me, a little boring actually. Her OR will be tomorrow at 10. She has hemangioma awaiting to be excised.

Boohoo…

Well, I want something a little more exciting like boring holes through skulls and using scopes to do microsurgeries.

Right? Right? That would be very sweet!

I actually don’t knoe why they have to fuse these two surgical subspecs in one rotation.

Neuro and plastics?

I knoe, right?

Reminds you of McDreamy and McSteamy?

Well, that’s what I am feeling right nao… ROFL. Kid.

Well, as of nao, I have a urology patient and a pedia-surg patient (on pink post-its) ready to be endorsed as I leave the department.

And 2 patients to welcome, a neuro-surg case (on green post-it) and a referral (white post-it).

Doctor meets Doctor

noreply@blogger.com (dak) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:16:00 +0000

Yesterday was my first day in the department of surgery… you knoe… like Grey’s Anatomy kind of atmosphere. But since the other day, every swallow that I take made me cry in pain and despair, accompanied with fever and generalized body weakness, I detested submitting myself to the ward and work.

I instead visited a doctor in the University’s health service.

DOC: What’s the problem?
(his eyes on what the nurse wrote on my record:
Pain on swallowing, hyperemic tonsils, with febrile episodes, Rx Orofar L, Tylenol, Amox 1 cap q8 hrs completed 2 doses, Temp: 36.7)
DAK: Doc, it’s painful to swallow.
DOC: You’re a medical student, right?
DAK: (Oh-oh, how did you knoe?!) Ahm, yes doc. (I wore a jacket due to several reasons, first as a prop cos t’was raining, second as a protection cos I felt cold cos and was too sick to function well and most importantly so as to not recognize my uniform as a medical student.) I am a medical clerk.
DOC: So, what do you think is your condition?
DAK: (Are you kidding me?! I am here cos I need your help and not because I want you to evaluate me! Duh.) I think it’s tonsillitis.
DOC: Why did you say so?
DAK: (Pft!) Cos I had tonsillitis before, and it felt the same. But this time, it’s a lot more painful. I think I woke up every hour last night due to severe pain everytime I swallow. I also have palpable and tender cervical lymph nodes. Doc, the left is more painful. However, I haven’t checked and seen my tonsils yet.
DOC: How come you didn’t inspect your tonsils?
DAK: I can’t find my penlight. (My penlight’s actually not missing, the batteries were drained. LOL)
(Doc took out his penlight, a tongue depressor and checked my tonsils)
DOC: Say ah………
DAK: Ahhhh………… (Alck! Ack!)
DOC: You have tonsillopharyngitis. The left if very red.
DAK: Oh ok. I already took 2 doses of amoxicillin. 8PM last night and 4AM a while ago.
DOC: I’ll shift your antibiotics to co-amoxiclav. Twice a day for 7 days. (Which is a lot more expensive!)
DAK: Ok. Ahm, can I ask for a medical certificate?
DOC: For what?! What will I write in your medical certificate? You don’t even have a fever. Your temperature is 36.7.
DAK: Doc, I already took Tylenol. (Duh!)
DOC: That’s the point, I don’t have a reason to excuse you from duty.
DAK: Doc, it’s my first day in surgery today. I was absent in our orientation this morning.
DOC: So tell me, what should I write in you medical certificate?
DAK: That I was too weak to get up from bed?
DOC: Just show them this prescription.
DAK: Oh ok. Thanks.

Luckily, there never was an orientation. And I am a lot better nao, better than your lazy dog. It’s not H1N1, freaks! ROFL.

So far, so good in surgery. First stop? Urology-pediatrics surgery. Let’s see… Let’s see…