Daddy Scratches

Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.

Daddy Scratches — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 20:22:27 +0000

I know it tastes disgusting. I know you don’t like it. But look into my eyes; you’ll see that I don’t give a shit. I felt for you the first time. Was patient as can be. I tolerated meltdowns for doses two and three. But now we’re on day 5 of 10 and I want you to know that if you don’t just drink it down, my stack I’m going to blow. I thought by now you’d get it. I thought you’d have a clue. The medicine? You’re taking it … no matter what you do. I don’t care if… [read the rest]

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

Daddy Scratches — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 21:47:29 +0000

Dear My Children: I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times. Yes, I know you really, really, REALLY want a dog. The fact that you say it on a daily basis has tipped me off. If you ask me every day to wrap my feet in bacon and plunge them into a tank full of starving piranha, the answer also will be “No.” The frequency of your request makes no difference to me, is my point. Yes, I know your cousins have… [read the rest]

Happy Birthday to me … in NYC … Wait, come back. I promise I won’t try to bust out any more rhymes.

Daddy Scratches — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 21:37:00 +0000

Click the image above to view full-size photo.

I'm 42 today.… [read the rest]

If I had been any closer to the stage at that Van Halen show the other night, I’d be carrying Eddie’s baby

Daddy Scratches — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 17:44:53 +0000

I knew going into last Thursday night’s Van Halen concert that, based solely on the size of the venue, I’d be fairly close to the stage … but I didn’t know I’d be THIS close: No, seriously: One of the most awesome things about sitting this close to the stage while seeing Van Halen perform in a tiny little basement club in New York City … is being able to say that you were sitting this close to the stage while seeing Van Halen perform in a tiny little basement club in New York City. In truth, the show was… [read the rest]

That blow job I offered 2012? Already paying off.

Daddy Scratches — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 20:27:02 +0000

So there’s that whole thing with me and Van Halen, right? Well, the band is about to release its first new album with original singer David Lee Roth in 28 years, and to drum up some excitement, the boys are playing a private show Thursday night in New York City at a little hole-in-the-wall place that holds only a couple hundred people. It’s about as big as my kitchen. (Background info: My kitchen = Not so big.) Here’s the outside: Here’s the inside: Now, the newly minted Year 2012, after hearing what I was willing to do in order to… [read the rest]

Good news, 2012! That ass massage I gave 2011 worked out so well that I’m pretty sure there’s fellatio in your future!

Daddy Scratches — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 04:59:17 +0000

Two years ago today, while hurtling headlong toward a depression-induced midlife crisis (or a midlife-crisis-induced depression; either way), I had the audacity to tell 2010 I was going to kick its ass. Those of you who’ve been here for a while now know how well that worked out. (SPOILER: Really shitty!) One year ago today, I proffered an epic mea culpa to 2011 by promising to massage its ass with exotic oils while feeding it hand-peeled grapes and telling it how wise and attractive and thin and youthful-looking it was. And in return for my whorish behavior, 2011 rewarded me… [read the rest]

Happy Holidays, y’all! (Yes, I just said “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” This does not mean I am waging a war against your religion. Stop being an idiot.)

Daddy Scratches — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:21:19 +0000

The annual Scratches Family Christmas* card. Brought to you by … Photoshop. Thank you, Photoshop, for your heavenly glow, which allows me to spare the world from the increasingly severe and frightful lines in my face. I figure I’m about a year or two away from this: Have I told you the story behind our Santa-photo tradition? [I just went back and checked, and it turns out that, yes, I have told you the story behind our Santa-photo tradition. Lucky you! You get to hear it again!] Well, you see, when Zan was six months old, he sat on Santa’s… [read the rest]

A note to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

Daddy Scratches — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 15:05:28 +0000

Dear Zan & Jayna, I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display the two of you put… [read the rest]

When you buy a $300,000 car, do you take out an auto loan … or a mortgage? (Actually, I’m guessing you pay for it with a bag of unmarked bills.)

Daddy Scratches — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 15:08:08 +0000

Click the image above to view full-size photo.

So here's that Lamborghini I was telling you about. It was parked outside the Rittenhouse Hotel in Philadelphia, widely considered the nicest hotel in the city. Wonder Woman and I… [read the rest]

Proof that Pixar should have hired me to draw Lightning McQueen

Daddy Scratches — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:06:10 +0000

This is me standing next to the Lamborghini that I happened upon while in Philadelphia this past weekend. As you can see, I had my camera with me … which was fortuitous, as it allowed me to capture a fabulous photograph of this kick-ass automobile. And I had fully intended to show you that photograph. However, despite going out of my way last night to make sure that I would be able to access from my work computer today the photograph in question, the Internet has chosen to instead flip me the digital bird. (I’m flipping the Internet the digital… [read the rest]