Back in 1999, all I got was 30% custody. As I look back on my own experience, all I can remember is feeling so desperate and angry that the courts gave me a custody schedule of 30 % out of a possible 100%. My life had changed in an instant. It just seemed so unfair. I can also remember the advice my attorney told me over and over again. “This is just the beginning custody schedule; through your time and effort, things will change… Just bite your tongue, make every effort to be available for your kids and we can always re-petition for more time”. Times have changed in some courts, but for most newly divorced fathers, it’s still a shock to see how little time they get in their custody agreement.

Something We Take for Granted.

This article is not about the injustice I was served or the fact that I overcame all of my obstacles to obtain 50/50 joint custody. This article is about the time, or the lack of quality time, that single parents have with our children and what we need to do to remind ourselves how to make the best of what we have. A friendly reminder to all single parents, both fathers and mothers, who need to remember a few things about the children we brought into this world. Children don’t choose divorce, adults do. Divorce affects the lives of fathers, mothers, children and the precious clock that ticks from the moment the final divorce papers are signed.

Do You Know Why I Am the Luckiest Dad in the World?

I still randomly pose this question to my children as I am driving them to school. What makes this question special is that it gives me the opportunity to be PRESENT to our situation. “I am the luckiest father in the world because I have a child like you. I am blessed with three children who are beautiful, smart, good citizens, goods students, honest, healthy, happy, friendly and respectful”. I make sure I reinforce good behavior and communicate what my expectations are of them each and every day. I make sure to let them know that every day counts.

When I ask the question out loud, it gets mixed results. It’s amazing that generosity has a karmic response and I gauge how I am doing as a father based on how my children respond. “Because you have a daughter like me and you are a good dad…” is a common response. Occasionally, I will get a few giggles and some sarcastic remarks from my teenagers. They will say something like, “What, you are our father?” or something like, “I guess you are just a lucky dad”. Nothing better than a little humor, I always say. Parents of divorce are often too serious and these responses have taught me a lot about the power of humor. Laughter and having a sense of humor with your single Parent family is important, especially for Fathers.

A Family That Cooks Together, Creates Memories

When I first started cooking, I had my kids in the kitchen with me experimenting with different recipes. I made sure that I gave them 100% of my attention while we were preparing the meal. Sometimes, I felt that having everybody in the kitchen together gave us the extra bonding time we needed; away from the TV, cell phones, the radio and other distractions. There is something special about the kitchen and the teamwork exhibited during the times when I was newly divorced. No fighting, no fussing; just laughter and bonding. It didn’t matter what we made for dinner and sometimes the meal even turned out horribly. We laughed and made fun of ourselves and it brought us closer together. What was special was that we just had “family time” to be and act normal. Those memories that we shared in the kitchen and at the dinner table will remain with me forever.

Stop the Play Dates and Sleepovers

I wasn’t afraid of putting my foot down early in my custody battle. For some newly divorced parents, there are struggles with scheduling kids’ school and social activities around joint custody schedules. I made sure that I made my voice clear about scheduling activities on “My Weekends” vs. “Her Weekends”. At one point, I remember having a meeting with my ex-wife and explaining the importance of not having so many scheduled “To Do’s” for our kids. What’s the point of having children when all we are doing is shuttling them from one activity to another?

I know I didn’t make any friends with this opinion. I almost became ex-communicated from the neighborhood play groups. The “Anti-social Daddy” was my name until one of my daughter’s play-friend’s parents went through a bitter, ugly divorce. I remember the father came up to me and said, “Man, I had you all wrong for limiting your kids’ schedules. I didn’t understand what you were up against with all of these activities until now. I am newly divorced and my ex-wife is scheduling all of these activities on my dates. All I want to now is hunker down and keep my kids all to myself!” Sometimes, you just have to cherish the time you have with your kids and keep them all to yourself. Take a stand. As a reminder to the newly divorced parent: they are your children too!

365, 182 or Less…

I am now at that stage where this number becomes even more important, and smaller. There are only so many holidays that I get to play “Santa” and “Tooth Fairy”. No matter how you look at this fact, my days are numbered, and so are yours. Unless you have figured out a way to reverse the aging process, your children are growing older by the day. And if you have joint custody, those holidays are getting fewer and fewer. We all will soon be replaced by someone else that gives our children the love, trust, honesty and respect that they all deserve in their adult lives.

The point I am trying to make is this; whether you are like me or not, the simple fact is that we have to cherish every moment while we can. The courts have decided our custody, and it is what we do with that time that makes all the difference in the world. I am still a hopeless optimist and believe that I am making a difference every day in shaping the lives of my children. I know I do many silly things in my daily routine that will make you question my sanity. I still wake up early in the morning to make each of my children their own school lunch because somehow, I feel like I am making a difference by setting a positive example. Never mind me; this is also about you making the time count. What’s important, in all the insanity of parenting, is to believe. Believe that you can make every minute count in a positive way so that our children of divorce will hold happy memories and not bitter memories of the relationship with their parents. Make every minute count and look at each day as just a grain of sand in a very large and endless beach. You can always start now and you can always make a difference today… the choice is yours.

This thought provoking article was sent to us by SingleDad.com, where you can find plenty of great information and resources for single dads.

SingleDad.com is the #1 website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed, and single Fathers with children.

Steve’s instincts were incredible. It’s nice to know that millions of people have watched this precious moment between a dad and his daughter. But remember that moment would have been JUST as important to his 3 year old daughter, Emily, if NO ONE else had witnessed it.

Love your kids.

(If the video doesn’t work for you it can be found here: Great catch by a great dad)

This morning in the Washington Post there is an article, ‘Getting it Right: Is Online Learning REALLY Better?‘, in which Valerie Strauss deciphers a new Education Department study for us. Although the report indicates there may very well be benefits to online learning over face-to-face, the study wasn’t conclusive and shouldn’t lead one to draw any significant conclusions.

What is apparent to me is that technology is rapidly improving the ability to educate remotely reducing the “need” for face-to-face interaction. Live video streaming, real time video chat, “tools” like Second Life, make the prospect of virtual classrooms a reality today, not years from now.

What this is going to mean for education at every level is hard to wrap one’s mind around, but I agree with Seth that education is going to become very inexpensive changing the face of private schools and higher learning. The possibilities are exciting and parents should embrace and even drive these changes as our current education system is in dire need of change.

The Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships has four top priorities including; fatherhood, interreligious dialogue and cooperation, the role of nonprofits in the economic recovery, and working to reduce the number of abortions and unwanted pregnancies.

As for the fatherhood priority the issue of absent fathers is a particularly big one in African-American families, where over 60% live in single-parent homes. With the statistics showing that children who grow up without a father are far more likely to drop out of school, commit crimes, live in poverty and end up in prison clearly anything the government can do to help will be welcomed.

But the fatherhood initiative is not just targeting African-American families. “This is about kids who are growing up without responsible role models in their families, and that is for all American families regardless of their background,” DuBois says.

And he encourages all Americans to get involved by letting his office know what programs in local communities are working to strengthen families.

“At the end of the day, solutions are not going to come out of Washington,” DuBois says. “They’re going to come out of individuals and families and communities across the country who are stepping up to the plate and meeting our challenges, including the challenge of father absence.”

We wish Mr. Joshua DuBois the very best in his new important role.

Links:

White House Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships

CONCLUSIONS: Our findings indicate that paternal depressive symptoms during pregnancy might be a risk factor for excessive infant crying. This finding could be related to genetic transmission, interaction of a father with lasting depressive symptoms with the infant, or related indirectly through contextual stressors such as marital, familial, or economic distress.

My conclusion: Unless you want to be really depressed dad, be positive and upbeat during your wife’s pregnancy!

Link to report: Pediatrics

SOURCES: Mijke P. van den Berg, M.D., Ph.D., Departments of Psychiatry/Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Erasmus Medical Center, Rotterdam, The Netherlands; Jon Shaw, M.D., professor and director, child and adolescent psychiatry, University of Miami Miller of School of Medicine, Miami; July 2009 Pediatrics

Here are the top 10 search terms among kids for the period from February through July:

1. YouTube
2. Google
3. Facebook
4. Sex
5. MySpace
6. Porn
7. Yahoo
8. Michael Jackson
9. Fred
10. eBay

Source: CNET

So there you have the bad news…. Now the good:

Symantec’s OnlineFamily.Norton service is FREE, at least through the end of 2009. You can learn more about the service and download your copy here: OnlineFamily

A Dad Book: DadLabs: Pregnancy and Year One

Don’t be misled by the professionals on the cover and the tame title of this book. It is not your dad’s book! These dads have gone all out to ensure that their Mother-In-Laws (why do we capitalize those words?) will leave them alone for good with this book.

Pregnancy and raising a newborns is as important a subject matter that one can think of. Yet these guys-turned-dads have managed to turn these life altering experiences into a comical, yet entertaining, read.

Starting with the title of the Prologue, “The Sofa at the Center of the Universe”, one recognizes that this book is very Dad2.0.

If you’re guy considering having a sexual relationship with a woman someday or a great-great grand daddy, you will enjoy this book and probably learn a lot as well.

We give the book at rating of 6-stars. (One for each of those lil’ cutie pies being manipulated into posing for the photo for the book cover.)

Book Reviews:

Steven Bush, author of Dad Blogs, had this to say,

“The book addresses not only practical topics but also emotional issues, especially when it comes to a dad’s relationship with his wife. It guides dads not only through the mechanics of being an expectant or new father, but also through the social requirements as well.”

Belinda Acosta, writer for The Austin Chronicle
Description: Father may not know best, but DadLabs has made it its mission to make sure knows a little bit better

“…They incorporated in 2004 but truly dove in headfirst in 2007, when they left their teaching jobs to take on the DadLabs mission full time, which is to talk candidly about what it’s like to be a parent from the contemporary dad’s perspective. In short, the dads of DadLabs are proud to declare that “washing bottles won’t make your balls fall off,” as is written in the prologue of their newly released book, DadLabs Guide to Fatherhood: Pregnancy and Year One”

You can order the book from our Bookstore for less than a 12-pack of beer. Aren’t your children worth it? Dadz Bookstore

My wife Kathy and I sat back with adult bevvies in hand (recommended) and pressed the play button.

As long time owners of various breeds of kiddie vans we immediately bonded with the band members as they sang about experiences resembling ours. We had a hard time fitting our kids bedtime routines into our schedule that night as we couldn’t wait to hear the next song seemingly written about us.

These dads don’t sing “pink” songs with blue birds tweeting in the background. Their songs are in black, gray, and white. They sing it like it is (it being parenthood). Most parents should be able to relate to these songs and while they may not win American Idol they are the neighbors we wish we had. We recommend their music for yourselves and they would make for great gifts for just about any occasion.

Their official Bio:

The POP Stars are a band of Fathers who perform original songs about the joys, trials and tribulations of parenthood. Their upbeat music gets little ones dancing and parents laughing, with topics ranging from sleep deprivation and spilt milk to minivans, potty training and unwanted advice from the in-laws. The Pop Stars have played all around New England in coffeehouses, bookstores, festivals, benefits and have traveled as far as New York City to be one of the few dad bands to play the Mamapalooza Festival for the past two years. They have performed at Boston’s George’s island Father’s day events, Foxboro’s Orpheum theater and have had feature articles in the Boston Globe and Bay State Parent Magazine. They have also been seen on the Hallmark Channel and WCVB’s Chronicle.

You can find the POP Stars online at:

The POP Stars on MySpace

The POP Stars on Facebook

ReverbNation.com/thepopstars

A POP Stars YouTube video:

Click here to view the embedded video.

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An alarming 44 percent of Internet users said they were “sometimes” or “often” ignored because another member of the household spends too much time online. Barely behind the 48 percent that said they were ignored because others spend too much time watching TV.

While these survey results aren’t surprising, they are a bit unsettling. For years our kids had to compete with our work, our friends, our TV time, and now they have to compete with the never-ending World Wide Web and all that it offers. How do you react when your wife or child approaches you while you’re online? Are those hours spent on social networks really more important than spending time playing or reading with your child?

As a bonafide internet junky I’m as guilty as anyone else of letting my online “life” interfere with real life and what’s truly important.

For more information about the study and some other perspectives visit:

Center for the Digital Future – (only highlights of the report)
Christian Post
Internet Use Cuts Into Family Time