dagblog.com - Humor & Satire

Costa Rica to re-institute military to fend off possible Rush Limbaugh attack

William K. Wolfrum — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:49:44 +0000

COSTA RICA – Calling it the “greatest threat our nation has ever faced,” Costa Rican President Óscar Arias has announced that his country will re-institute the military in order to fend of an invasion by American entertainer Rush Limbaugh.

“We can sit back and wait to see if the U.S. passes health care reform, or we can act now,” said Arias. “We don’t want our answer to come in the form of a mushmouth cloud.”

Arias was responding to recent comments from the entertainer, who said he would move to Costa Rica if health care reform passed in the United States.

“I don’t know. I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” said Limbaugh.

Arias said he would not allow his nation to suffer the same fate as the U.S. and called for every man, woman and child in the nation to join the military and guard the borders. Costa Rica has not had an active military since 1948.

“This is the greatest threat our democracy has ever faced,” said Arias. “If Limbaugh gets in, then Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Ann Coulter will surely follow. They travel in packs and share the same vision of world demolition.

“We cannot allow these weapons of mass distraction come and ruin our nation as they have worked so hard to do in America,” added Arias.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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John Ensign on Eric Massa: "I don't tickle anyone"

William K. Wolfrum — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 12:42:56 +0000

WASHINGTON – Republican Senator John Ensign – speaking from his room at the C Street Center – has come out swinging against ex-Representative Eric Massa.

“That he would admit to a tickle fight is a travesty and an embarrassment for this Congress,” said Ensign, who at no time during his speech slept with any of his friends’ wives. “The Democrats have once again proven to have serious ethics problems.”

Ensign – who while speaking never once tried to find a job for anyone he cuckolded – said he felt his record showed him as a fierce non-tickler.

“I don’t tickle the Republican Party at all,” said Ensign, who was backed by close friend, Republican Sen. Tom Coburn. “I stridently avoid any ticklish situations.”

Ensign’s speech was cut short, however, as his parents arrived and chased away reporters with a broom and $100 bills.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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Everyone in the NFL arrested

William K. Wolfrum — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:01:10 +0000

CANTON, Ohio – In a surprise move by the Federal Government, every single player in the NFL has been arrested today. Charges range from possession of illegal performance enhancing drugs, sexual harassment, domestic abuse, perjury, driving while intoxicated, and an undeserved sense of self-worth.

Aside from the players, every owner was also arrested, for everything from collusion to tax fraud to using the NFL season as a bargaining chip.

“We figured we had probable cause just to arrest everyone,” said a government spokesman. “We’re pretty sure we can get a 90 percent conviction rate, without even having any physical evidence yet.”

The charges come following several recent incidents, including Minnesota Vikings All-Pro defensive tackle Kevin Williams testifying that he has never taken steroids or steroid-masking agents, and Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger being accused of sexual assault.

Also, two players – Miami’s Will Allen and Washington’s Bryan Westbrook – have recently been arrested for DUIs.

“It’s pretty obvious that everyone in the NFL has skirted the law for years,” said the federal official. “Even the players that aren’t guilty of anything are guilty of hanging around those that are guilty.

"We're just trying to protect the general public,” he added.

With all teams now sans any players and the NFL Draft coming up, the arrests are good news for former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. The former University of Florida quarterback is now expected to be picked as early as the 6th round by quarterback-hungry teams.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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It’s your own damned fault if you get murdered

William K. Wolfrum — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 13:20:11 +0000

While murder is still considered a grave crime, today’s enlightened society tends to see it as something more than a black & white issue. Because more often than not, a murder victim has every opportunity to avoid being murdered.

Simply put, if you get murdered, it’s very likely your own damned fault. This is obvious to any who care to look at the issue.

Most murder victims could easily save their own lives if they followed a few simple rules:

Don’t dress provocatively – you’re just asking to be murdered.
Never drink to excess publicly – it will lower your inhibitions and make you an easier murder target.
Don’t walk alone, anywhere – you’ll just attract murderers.
Don’t flirt - you could be flirting with a murderer.
Never go to anyone’s home – again, you’re just asking to be murdered.

But the fact is that most murder victims are too careless, too un-Godly, too unwilling to take the personal responsibility needed to avoid being murdered. This is why so many murder victims are far too ashamed to go to authorities following their murder – they know they played a part in it.

And the legal system is aware of this. This is why so few murderers get sentenced for their crimes. Defense lawyers will quickly pounce on the past history of the victim and come to one conclusion – the murdered didn’t do what’s necessary to not be murdered. Thus, many victims of murder will not go to the authorities.

Murder is epidemic in the United States. The statistics are staggering. But the fact is that murderers are helpless to stop themselves, and when people dress and act in certain ways, all they are doing is attracting those that will murder them.

It’s a hard truth, but the fact is that in 2010, we should be a more enlightened society. So dress conservatively, don’t go out, and don’t draw attention to yourself. And remember, once a murder starts, it’s too late to say no. You’ve asked for it, and it’s going to happen.

Because – as most people rightly believe – the blame for the crime of murder falls almost solely on the murder victim.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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“Lazy Americans like being unemployed” talking point a winner for GOP

William K. Wolfrum — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 18:14:19 +0000

If you can say one thing about the GOP, it’s that they stick to the script when it comes to talking points. The latest GOP talking point – that Americans are lazy and like being unemployed – could very well be a winner for the Republicans come election time.

Ex-Speaker of the House Tom Delay was the latest conservative to make the claim, as he told CNN’s Candy Crowley that unemployment insurance was the root of all evil:

Crowley: People are unemployed because they want to be?

Delay: well, it is the truth. and people in the real world know it. And they have friends and they know it. Sure, we ought to be helping people that are unemployed find a job, but we also have budget considerations that are incredibly important, especially now that Obama is spending monies that we don’t have.

Earlier in the week, Republican Senator Jon Kyl jumped on that talking point, as well.

“[Unemployment] doesn’t create new jobs. In fact, if anything, continuing to pay people unemployment compensation is a disincentive for them to seek new work.”

If there’s one thing that will guarantee a landslide November victory for the GOP, it’s Republicans telling the millions of jobless Americans that they’re lazy and just want to sit on their ass all day collecting a couple hundred bucks a week in unemployment. For the GOP, it’s a winning talking point.

--WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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Barack Obama decides to shoot Khalid Sheik Mohammed in head just to be on safe side

William K. Wolfrum — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:17:23 +0000

WASHINGTON – Faced with waves of Republican pressure over the handling of the Khalid Sheik Mohammed trial, U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that he will personally shoot the terrorist mastermind in the head.

“Khalid Sheik Mohammed is evil incarnate, and he must be dealt with in a way that will protect our citizens,”said Obama. “Therefore, I will bi-partisanly blow his brains out myself.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President thought long and hard about his decision.

“Being that Khalid Sheik Mohammed is not a human, shooting him in the head is not against the law,” said Gibbs.

The shooting will take place on April 1, and will be televised on the new C-Span Pay-per-view channel. The shooting will be followed by a mixed-martial arts battle between UFC Heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir.

“If you order 24 hours a head of time, you get $5 off,” said Gibbs.

The White House has yet to say which type of gun they will use on Mohammed, though former presidential candidate John McCain advised using a “big-ass shotgun.” McCain added that he had been confident that Obama would back down on civil liberty issues like the KSM trial, as it’s been something he has done in the past.

“Finally, we’re treating foreign criminals the way they should be treated,” said former Vietnam hostage John McCain. “Soon, he’ll back down on things like health care, as well.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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Liberals Disappointed that Pentagon Gunman Was Not a Right-Wing Extremist

Genghis — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:33:44 +0000

After their slam dunk with anti-tax kamikaze Andrew Joseph Stack, liberals hoped to rack up more political points with another right-wing act of terror. When the news broke of a gunman loose in Washington, breathless liberal bloggers and political email spammers burst into action.

According to blog enthusiast cheneyMUSTdie, who subscribes to over 1500 blogs and frequently posts the same comment on each of them: "OMG TEH WINGNUTS ARE KILLING AGAIN!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!"

The first sign that liberal hopes would go unfulfilled was the target of the attack. The gunman had attempted a frontal assault on the Pentagon, an atypical choice among right-wing terrorists.

According to Dr. Hannibal Venkman, Professor of Psycho-Politics at Georgetown University,

The selection of a high profile military institution, such as the Pentagon, would be very unusual for a conservative extremist. Conservatives tend to prefer nondescript bureaucratic offices in remote locations, accessible by van or light aircraft. The Pentagon is more popular among Islamic terrorists and the fictional masterminds of evil spy agencies.

Typical of the new breed of domestic terrorist, the gunman, J. Patrick Bedell, published his heartfelt opinions on the Internet, carefully concealing his identity under the screen name "JPatrickBedell." Bedell had developed a revolutionary theory of "information currency" to prove that the apparent suicide by Colonel James Sabow in 1991 was in fact a CIA assassination to cover up its involvement in the drug trade. He continued:

My desire for justice led me to violate what I think is one of the most unjust laws, cannabis prohibition, by growing 16 cannabis plants on my balcony in Irvine, CA from March 2006 to June 2006.

According to Professor Venkman, civil disobedience through cannabis production is almost unheard of on the right. It is more commonly used by antiestablishment college students to "rationalize their pot habits."

Some liberals have not given up. A progressive blogger at TeaFarty.com argued that the JPatrickBedell blog had been faked by "right-wing CIA-backed Teabaggers to cover up the cover up of Colonel Sabow's alleged suicide."

Conservatives, for their part, reacted with relief. Right-wing blogger RedButNotInASocialistWay sighed, "I don't think that I could have gone to bat for yet another homicidal maniac so soon after the last one."

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Atheist politician arrested after leaving Church

William K. Wolfrum — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 18:36:58 +0000

BAKERSFIELD – An Atheist California state senator was placed under arrest for Driving under the Influence of God after leaving a Church. His wife was in the vehicle along with the lawmaker and was not arrested.

State Sen. Tim Johnson was pulled over by the California Highway Patrol at about 2:00 p.m. last Sunday when his state-issued vehicle was observed being driven blissfully. The driver, identified as Johnson, was taken in and charged for driving under the influence of God. Unidentified sources said the senator had been at St. Mary’s, a popular Catholic Church, prior to his arrest.

In a March 4 article, the online news site Talking Points Memo characterized Johnson, who is married and has four children, as “a fierce Atheist” who had never allowed religion to influence his voting record.

Johnson issued a contrite apology, stating, “I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did.”

It is uncertain how the arrest — or his reported presence at a Church — will affect Johnson’s prospects for re-election. Atheist lawmakers who are alleged to engage in Church activities have attracted significant media attention in recent years.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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Explosive New ACORN Video: Blacks get whatever they want!

William K. Wolfrum — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 13:49:11 +0000

A new video posted by an independent filmmaker posing as a samba dancer has surfaced depicting an ACORN staffer assisting a Black (known in this video as “Max”) making unreasonable — and possibly child prostitution-related — requests.

The 1-minute 11-second video clearly shows a small Black making unreasonable demands at an ACORN office in Los Angeles, California. The Black demands an important benefit from ACORN.

As one can see in the video, a Brown ACORN worker sits idly by as the filmmaker – dressed in ridiculous Samba garb – gives the small and angry Black the benefit he wanted with little struggle. All of this occurred while the Brown ACORN worker sits by and makes no effort to stop the proceedings.

The video – made by noted blogger/activist/American Hero William K. Wolfrum – has circulated throughout the Internet. Wolfrum said he was paid a “fair salary” by right-wing media tycoon Andrew Breitbart for the video. Breitbart said the video confirmed White America’s deepest fears - that an organization existed to help Blacks.

“Snidely Snerble Snab,” said Breitbart. “At the very least, Wolfrum deserves a Pulitzer Prize for their expose of deep corruption and unspeakable immorality at ACORN.”

After the video became public, the Senate voted 83-7 to block the Housing and Urban Development Department from giving grants to ACORN, meaning the organization would not be able to win HUD grants for programs such as counseling low-income people on how to get mortgages and for fair housing education and outreach.

While the evidence on the video proves ACORN is a criminal organization, some far-left writers have said that it was doctored and that Wolfrum was – in fact – never actually dressed as a Samba dancer, and that the video – in fact – was just Wolfrum playing with his dogs in his home.

“Why does it matter!!??,” said Breitbart. “It means nothing! He’s a Samba Dancer!”

Reached for comment, Clark Hoyt, Public Editor of the New York Times – which ran a story on the video – said that his paper would stick with its original reporting, regardless of what new facts emerged.

“Those on the right say that it’s a Samba Dancer helping a small Black to whatever he wants. Those on the Left say it’s a guy playing with his dogs,” said Hoyt in an e-mail. “This has become far too partisan for us, so we’re sticking with what we wrote.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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This Is Birdemic!! (Mega Shark who???)

Deadman — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 21:06:33 +0000

Ok, I know its been along time since I posted, but this should more than make up for it. You're welcome ...