dagblog - Humor & Satire

Top-10: Mitt Romney Vs. TV & Movie Rich People

William K. Wolfrum — Fri, 18 May 2012 13:33:56 +0000

According to percentages, most Americans will not only not be rich, but will in fact go through their lives without even knowing anyone really rich. This explains why Mitt Romney can be a perplexing individual for average Americans to understand. You’d be thrilled if you found $250. He’s worth $250 million. There’s just no way to relate.

Luckily for Americans, we have all been exposed to literally hundreds of millionaires and billionaires via television and movies. While this may seem an odd way to learn about a candidate for President, the fact remains that most Americans are informed about this planet via fiction.

Thus, here are the Top-10 most intriguing and interesting TV and Movie Rich people, as well as the qualities they share with Willard Mitt Romney?

Bruce Wayne
Batman

A billionaire playboy, Wayne saw his parents get murdered when he was just a child. Inheriting his wealth, Wayne decided to become the world’s greatest crime fighter. Incredibly intelligent and handsome, Wayne has amazing courage. Despite never being able to adequately explain what the deal was with Robin, Wayne manages to have a strong public image and is well-regarded among all social classes. Also, he’s freaking Batman.

Romney Qualities: None. Not even a little bit.

Thurston Howell, III
Gilligan’s Island

Howell was only referenced as “The Millionaire” in the opening of the credits of the show, which was back in the days when “millionaire” was a pretty impressive thing. His elitism was unstoppable, to the point that he and his wife packed a ridiculous amount of clothing for what was supposed to be just a three-hour tour. Even on an island where money meant nothing, Howell lived life as he always had – as a superior being who was at the top of the social class. The rest of the castaways – apparently conditioned to treat the rich as their superiors – treat him as though his being rich in the real world matters. Howell once owned Denver. One of the bigger mysteries of the whole show was what he and his wife were doing on a crappy tour boat surrounded by plebes.

Romney Qualities: While far nicer and more likable than Romney, both share a complete lack of awareness to the world in general. Also, both graduated from Harvard.

Gordon Gekko
Wall Street

“Greed is good,” said Gekko in 1987 and the phrase immediately became the motto for the United States. For some reason, being a super-rich creep who screwed anyone to make more money became the model for true Americans. Because Gekko was super creepy. From dating models to owning ridiculous boats to just being a self-loving douchebag, Gekko was everything a human really wouldn’t want to be. Self-absorbed with a complete lack of empathy, Gekko was a waste of an incredible mind. Forget Ronald Reagan, Gordon Gekko is the father of modern conservatism.

Romney Qualities: Stir in some Mormonism and remove some intelligence and they’re roughly the same person.

Mr. Potter
It’s a Wonderful Life

Easily the most constipated man in the history of entertainment, Potter could only be more evil if he snacked on baby while destroying the dreams of average, hard-working types. Potter has two goals in life – Make all the money in the world and own the Bailey family’s crappy Building & Loan operation. He travels in a wheelchair only because hovercrafts had yet to be invented. He will gladly cheat to gain financial advantages. Just a really big asshole.

Romney Qualities: They may as well be the same person.

Lisbeth Salander
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Worth more than $2.4 billion, Salander had an abusive childhood and bears the mental scars. Like Romney, she is hard to peg, but while Romney is a blank slate, she is a cornucopia of complexity. She is a pierced, tattoo’d, bisexual computer hacking genius that uses her power and resources for good. Don’t cross her. Like a modern-day, hyper-cool chick Batman, she will get her justice.

Romney Qualities: Mitt Romney has a tattoo of Milton Friedman on his ass.

Hannibal Lecter
Silence of the Lambs

Despite spending a good chunk of his adult life in prison, Lecter was obviously a shrewd investor and manipulator of markets. How rich was he? Who knows? But the guy lived large. A one-time psychiatrist, Lecter has a taste for the finer things in life, including human flesh. An incredibly intelligent man, Lecter manages to be charming despite the fact he’s one of the most heinous killers ever put to film. Remember this dirty little secret? In the book version, he and agent Clarice Starling become lovers and live together in Argentina.

Romney Qualities: Romney once ate a census taker’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. I shit you not.

Tony Stark
Ironman

Like many on this list and Romney himself, Stark had to step out of his father’s shadow. Once a carefree billionaire making weapons to destroy America’s enemies real and perceived, Stark found the light, invented an awesome suit, and became one of the world’s great crime fighters. A true genius, Stark is equally adept at charming ladies as he is inventing things that have no business being invented.

Romney Qualities: If Romney had access to the Iron Man suit, this planet would be a charred ember right about now.

Scrooge McDuck
Disney

In keeping with their modern tradition of making everyone annoyingly lovable, Disney has tamed McDuck over the years, making him more of a good all-around person. But the fact is, at the height of his powers, McDuck had more money than anyone on the planet and was a miserly jerk. McDuck once used hired thgugs to destroy an African village in order to reap its rubber. He owned a private zoo that included the world’s last unicorn. He was a ruthless, money-making machine. Also, he was a duck.

Romney Qualities: Mitt Romney is not a duck.

Mom
Futurama

The owner of MomCorp, Mom is the richest person in the future, by far. Weilding un-Godly power, Mom makes it her business to get into everyone`s business in order to profit and to torment her former lover Professor Herbert Farnsworth. Commits almost constant acts of abuse on her adult children, and very possibly straps them to the roof of her car during long trips. Tries to maintain a solid public image despite only caring about herself. Her hair hasn’t moved in centuries.

Romney Qualities: These two share so much in common, it has been speculated that Romney has probably also had a stormy affair with Farnsworth.

Ty Webb
Caddyshack

The son of a wealthy man, Webb leads a free-spirited hedonistic life spent mostly at a country club his father co-founded. A genius golfer who doesn’t bother keeping score, Webb shows an ease around non-club members that belies his wealth. he takes young caddie Danny under his wing, helping the young golf phenom reach new heights. He even takes time to talk with greenskeeper Carl Spackler, even though Spackler is obviously insane and possibly even dangerous. Webb openly detests the rich people that frequent the country club, and is generally disinterested in his own wealth, leaving large uncashed checks laying around his apartment.

Romney Qualities: Ok, these two share nothing in common aside from the fact that reportedly in real life, both Chevy Chase and Mitt Romney are notable dicks.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Debt Ceiling II: Return of the Boehner

Genghis — Wed, 16 May 2012 16:59:26 +0000

Demonstrating the shrewd political acumen for which he has become known, House Speaker John Boehner has come up with a new strategy to galvanize American voters before the election. Seeking to top his electrifying "Pledge to America" campaign from 2010, Boehner promised yesterday a bold new plan that may be the popular Republican campaign in history: Debt Ceiling Standoff, Take Two.

The Speaker is aware that the debt ceiling is a complicated legislative mechanism well beyond the understanding of most real Americans, so he asked me to help make sense of it. I will now take several questions from an imaginary interlocutor in order to help the ignorant electorate understand this exciting campaign.

Q: Didn't Boehner already do this last year?

A: Yes, that's why it's Debt Ceiling Standoff, Take Two. Duh.

Q: But wasn't it wildly unpopular?

A: That's just what the arrogant liberal media wants you to think. But Speaker Boehner knows that Americans can't wait for another debt ceiling standoff. That's why he said, "We shouldn't dread the debt limit. We should welcome it. It's an action-forcing event in a town that has become infamous for inaction."

Q: But isn't a standoff kind of the definition of inaction?

A: See, you're not thinking this through. It will be a calculated act of inaction in order to produce a subsequent act of action.

Q: Just like the last time?

A: Well, last time was different because our obstinate elitist president didn't negotiate in good faith. That's why the Speaker wants to do it again.

Q: But didn't Boehner make a budget-cutting deal with Obama and then pull out?

A: What have you been reading? Talking Points Memo? If you'd listened to the Speaker's speech, you'd understand that it was all Obama's fault: "Last year, in our negotiations with the White House, the president and his team put a number of gimmicks on the table...Maybe in another time, with another Speaker, gimmicks like these would be acceptable."

Q: By another time, did he mean last year? Because I thought that Boehner actually accepted the compromise plan, but then the crazy wingers in the House wouldn't go for it.

A: You certainly are a naive one. The retreat was planned all along, just a little bit of political theater in order to create the conditions for action.

Q: What action?

A: Another debt standoff, of course, which as I already explained, is the key to more action!

Q: I'm so confused.

A: Don't worry, it's complicated. The point is that the Speaker's plan will restore confidence and fix the economy.

Q: But didn't the last debt ceiling standoff kill investor confidence and downgrade our credit?

A: [Sigh] The Speaker explained that bit in his speech too. Who was president when the downgrade happened?

Q: Obama?

A: Now you're getting it. If I may quote our great Speaker: "A president on whose watch the United States lost its gold-plated triple-A rating for the first time in our history."

Q: What about the financial community? Won't they be alarmed?

A: Speaker Boehner is aware that there will be some "wailing and gnashing of teeth" on Wall Street, but he won't abandon his principles just because a few bankers are upset as long as they keep donating to the Republican Party.

Q: Well, I still think it's irresponsible to default on America's debt.

A: It is irresponsible. The Speaker said so in his speech.

Q: Then why would he do it?

A: Because as he put it, "It would be more irresponsible to raise the debt ceiling without taking dramatic steps to reduce spending and reform the budget process."

Q: You mean action?

A: You got it.

Q: So...uh...what happens if Romney wins?

A: Don't worry, the Speaker is doing everything in his power to make sure that doesn't happen. President Obama is the best thing that ever happened to the Republican Party.

Q: So I guess that we can look forward to four more years of action?

A: Bingo! I can hardly wait.

Michael Wolraich is the author of Blowing Smoke: Why the Right Keeps Serving Up Whack-Job Fantasies about the Plot to Euthanize Grandma, Outlaw Christmas, and Turn Junior into a Raging Homosexual

Man, 42, heartbroken as duck won’t give answer to marriage proposal

William K. Wolfrum — Wed, 09 May 2012 20:32:05 +0000

For several years, Tim Johnson and his duck Miriam cohabitated peacefully. This Valentine’s Day, however, Johnson decided it was time to take the next step.

“We’ve been together so long that I knew it was now or never,” said Johnson.

So Johnson went out and purchased a $1,500 ring from Zales, went home, knelt before his duck and proposed marriage. Sadly, his proposal was met with indifference.

“Miriam just ignored my proposal altogether,” said Johnson, 42. “It’s like she just didn’t care. She just wanted more bread crumbs, like usual.”

Being that the duck refused to give her consent to the marriage – and may, in fact, be underaged depending on Duck-to-Human age ratios – Johnson’s wedding plans will now be put on hold until Miriam can either speak, or sign her name to a marriage consent form. For Johnson, however, the disappointment has changed the relationship.

“I really thought we had something,” said Johnson. “But, you know, if she won’t even answer my proposal, maybe it’s time to trade in the ring for some sweet and sour sauce.”

Miriam the Duck was unable to comprehend the request to be interviewed for this story, and thus had no comment.

–WKW

Originally posted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

David Barton is a liar - this is what Thomas Jefferson really wanted

William K. Wolfrum — Sat, 05 May 2012 15:55:52 +0000

Noted liar-for-Christ David Barton has been making the media rounds lately, pushing another book of blatant history revisionism. Having been a blogger for quite some time, I consider myself a leading expert on just about everything, especially Thomas Jefferson and the Founding Fathers. Thus I feel it is vital for me to set the record straight and show to the world that Barton is a daft poppy-head (apologies for the technical historical lingo).

I haven’t actually read Barton’s book, “The Jefferson Lies,” mind you. But I come from the Naomi Schaefer Riley school of journalism that states implicitly that knowing a subject comes from the gut, not from actual studying or logical thinking.

This is why I feel the need to point out these unassailable, completely true facts about Jefferson and the Founding Fathers.

Jefferson, you see, was a virulent Atheist on par with Richard Dawkins. This becomes obvious when you read through Jefferson’s trio of unpublished Atheist books: “God? Please,” “God? Really, We’re Still Blathering About That?” and “God? If He Really Existed, Wow is He a Jerk.”

In these books – which are not available to anyone – Jefferson rips God a new one, and prognosticates on the same level as Nostradamus.

“If there really were a God, would he allow me to actually own people? The whole concept makes no sense. Sure, I own people and occasionally sleep with some of them. But I do so simply because I CAN,” Jefferson wrote.

Or then there’s his view on God in politics.

“Only the weak-willed and incredibly stupid want a theocracy or even think religion has any place whatsoever in an actual government. What a bunh of freakin’ morons,” wrote Jefferson.

Or his predictions on today’s political scene.

“Mitt Romney? Are you kidding me? When this happens, the entire Republican Party needs to resign in shame and go live on an island somewhere where they won’t bother anyone. Mitt Romney for President? LOL.”

Aside from being the first human to ever use the acronym “LOL,” Jefferson had other things to say about today’s politics. Such as this, which he told me in a dream:

“One day, Barack Obama will be President of the United States of America. And Conservatives need to stop filibustering everything he tries to do. It’s un-American.”

Jefferson added:

“I mean, he’d be just three-fifths of an American today, and most likely a slave owned by one of us founders. But I’m pretty sure these things will change, eventually.”

Jefferson was not the only Atheist founding father, of course. George Washington once said this to a fellow walking by him:

“You can enjoy your so-called God. I’ll be drinking your milkshake while you do.”

And:

“You guys know that Ron Paul voted for the war on Afghanistan, right? Because of ‘political pressure.’ What a freakin’ phony.”

Or then there was Thomas Paine, who had this to say:

“A media that refuses to call a liar a liar is not a media. It is a bunch of high-paid entertainment reporters. Joan Rivers should be covering politics if that’s what you want. At least she has some balls.”

And:

“David Barton is so full of crap that you should be legally allowed to plant roses inside of him. What a lying scumbag.”

These examples prove – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that everything you have ever learned about Jefferson and the Founding Fathers is a lie. They all thought God was a silly concept, that religion belongs nowhere near a government, and that today’s Republicans are douchebags who will invoke God to win arguments.

I understand that I will have my critics. But everything I wrote here is the absolute truth. Go ahead and try and disprove any of it. It will just show that you hate the Founding Fathers and the United States of America. As Jefferson said while conducting a magic show at a child’s party:

“God is an illusion. Biblical historians doubly so.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Koch Brothers-funded Scientists create camel small enough to fit through eye of a needle

William K. Wolfrum — Fri, 04 May 2012 13:20:20 +0000

Aside from camels, scientists also created tiny lions so rich people could play with them.

SWITZERLAND – A group of scientists – working from a huge grant by the Koch Brothers – have created a camel small enough to fit through the eye of a needle, sources say.

The camel – nicknamed Joel Osteen – was created in laboratory conditions in order to circumvent Jesus Christ’s famous biblical comment:

“I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

The Koch Brothers were ecstatic at the news.

“This is just marvelous,” said David Koch – who has a net worth of $43 billion. “We view the Bible as the word of God. Thus, it’s important for us to find any possible loophole to guarantee we not just get to heaven, but get the best spot in heaven.”

The creation of the tiny camel goes hand-in-hand with a recent project by Koch-funded logicians, who came to the conclusion that since Caesar is dead, he deserves nothing, and if God really wants something, he should ask personally. This circumvents Christ’s comment, “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.”

Aside from the tiny camel, scientists – at the Koch Brother’s request – also created a tiny lion for the billionaire brothers to play with and show off at parties.

“Just for shits and giggles,” said Charles Koch – who also has a net worth of $43 billion. “Look at it. It’s just adorable.”

Jesus Christ could not be reached for comment.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Pic proves Barack Obama elbowed James Harden in the head

William K. Wolfrum — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 15:13:47 +0000

When Metta World Peace elbowed Oklahoma City’s James Harden, fans around the U.S. were aghast. Now, comes the bitter truth – President Barack Obama has met the former Ron Artest and once put his hand on his shoulder.

This should haunt Obama for the rest of his life. And, if not, it’s much more damning than anything Team Andrew Breitbart has come up with against him.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Mitt Romney hates cookies – Just like Hitler, Manson and Castro

William K. Wolfrum — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 14:34:09 +0000

As Mitt Romney begins his general election battle against President Barack Obama, intrepid reporters and pundits have stumbled across something about him that should terrify us all – Mitt Romney hates cookies.

Recently, in Pittsburgh, Romney insulted cookies from Bethel Bakery. This insult has reverberated across the nation. What kind of man hates cookies? I’ll tell you – an evil man.

Using historical research methods perfected by Jonah Goldberg, I have discovered that some of the most heinous men in history share one common trait – they despised cookies.

Take Adolf Hitler, for example. So many lives could have been saved if people had just read this passage in his book:

“Ich verachte Cookies und sie müssen von der Erde vertrieben werden!”

Translation: “I hate cookies and they must be driven from the Earth.”

Or there is the case of Charles Manson, who once wrote this in a poem.

“Wie Cookies und Böse, Mann, vergiften sie die Milch und der Mann isst sie und Speckschwarte und dann töten die Säuglinge von der Freiheit.”

Translation: “Like cookies and evil, man, they poison the milk and the man eats them and pork rinds and then kill the babies of the freedom.”

Chilling stuff, indeed.

These are just two cases, but it is obvious that people like Stalin, Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro and countless other evil men have despised cookies. And no one has ever connected the two. It is time we see the truth behind cookie hatred – it is a sign of pure evil.

Am I saying that Mitt Romney will start a cult, commit genocide and put solar panels in the White House? Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying. That is why Cookiegate matters. In fact, it is the only thing that matters in the United States. Well, that and whatever Ted Nugent happens to say.

So remember, the coming election is about issues and you have two choice – a noted cookie lover in Barack Obama, or an evil, sick man like Mitt Romney who despises cookies and humanity. Choose correctly or pay the consequences.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Santorum Invokes the "Real Republican" Defense

Genghis — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 20:27:50 +0000

Like a fairy tale hero, Rick Santorum hopes to win the Republican nomination by spinning poop into gold.

On Sunday, he laid into a New York Times reporter, saying, "Quit distorting my words. ... It's bullshit."

The public use of an expletive by a "serious" presidential candidate provoked condemnation from his opponents, while respectable news outlets gleefully smeared the word "bull----" across their august pages.

But Santorum is trying to make the most of the shitstorm. On Fox News, he proudly declared, "If you haven't cursed out a New York Times reporter during the course of a campaign, you're not really a real Republican." He followed up with a fundraising letter titled, "I Am Ready to Take On The New York Times."

Republican analysts are closely evaluating the effectiveness of Santorum's "Real Republican" response, which could become a staple of right-wing damage control strategy. Focus groups have responded positively to hypothetical retorts by other conservatives who have taken wrong turns up shit creek. Here are few examples:

Rush Limbaugh: If you haven't publicly called a liberal college student a slut, you're not really a real Republican.

Mitt Romney: If you're not a millionaire with multiple houses and a couple of Cadillac who is hopelessly out-of-touch with working Americans, you're not really a real Republican.

Sarah Palin: If you haven't mangled American history and international affairs, you're not really a real Republican.

Newt Gingrich: If you haven't shut down the federal government, been reprimanded for ethics violations, and divorced two wives while championing the sanctity of marriage and attacking a Democratic president for infidelity, you're not really a real Republican.

George W. Bush: If you haven't launched two disastrous wars for trumped up reasons and failed to finish either, you're not really a real Republican.

John Yoo: If you haven't invented a Constitutional warrant for torture, you're not really a real Republican.

(Once and future) Judge Roy Moore: If you haven't been removed from office for violating the Alabama Canons of Judicial Ethics, you're not really a real Republican.

James O'Keefe: If you haven't selectively edited videos and been arrested while masquerading as a journalist masquerading as a telephone repairman, you're not really a real Republican.

Pastor Terry Jones: If you haven't publicly burned a Koran to provoke international outrage, you're not really a real Republican.

Andrew Joseph Stack III: If you haven't crashed your airplane into a federal building, you're not really a real Republican.

Rick Santorum declares War on the Wheel, fire & sliced bread

William K. Wolfrum — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 13:18:26 +0000

Coming off an impressive showing in Southern states, Rick Santorum is now looking to double-down on his conservative bona fides this week. After earlier stating that he would work to eliminate all pornography from America, Santorum has now come out and stated that such modern conveniences as the wheel, sliced-bread and fire all have to be banned, as well.

“During my travels, I meet many Americans who long for a simpler, more devout time,” said Santorum. “That’s why my Presidency will be about taking America back to the Year 2 or so and giving people true freedom.”

Santorum stated that such modern conveniences as the wheel, fire and sliced-bread have made Americans a weak, sweater-vest-wearing people who cannot do simple things like walk to work and eat raw food on unsliced bread.

Santorum said that a hungrier, colder America where everyone has to walk wherever they go while slicing their own bread will help the economy and put the U.S. Back on the path of Jesus – who reportedly hated wheels and fire, and would have been just appalled by sliced bread.

Santorum also showed he is willing to use his conservative outlook to help solve America’s health care crisis.

“I hear some good things about leeches,” said Santorum.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

City to use the homeless as public toilets, trash cans

William K. Wolfrum — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 13:29:43 +0000

While much attention goes to the United States’ huge national debt, few spend time understanding the debt some cities are dealing with and the steps needed to take to balance these smaller but vital coffers.

In cities like Needles, Calif. – which has a population of 15,000 and a debt of $450,000 – desperate times are calling for common-sense solutions. In it’s most controversial move, the City passed a law requiring the homeless to act as public toilets and trash cans to help defray costs.

“Let’s face it, these people are covered in trash and human waste almost constantly,” said Needles Mayor John Timmison. “Let’s finally give them the dignity they deserve by urinating on them and throwing trash at them.”

City Planner Rick Davidson said that the move will not only restore dignity to the homeless by letting them feel like they are a part of the community, it will also save the city substantial money.

“We’re looking at saving nearly $37,000 because of cuts in the city’s maintenance department,” said Davidson, who hinted that the homeless could be used for other duties such as speed bumps. “This is what happens when the government uses real-world corporate thinking. It’s really win-win.”

At least one homeless person seemed uneasy with the plan to restore dignity to the homeless via using them as restrooms and trash cans.

“It’s not fair!!” said 4-year-old Angela Angelson, who recently became homeless after her father lost a $37,000-a-year job with the city’s maintenance department.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles