Larry Jankens's blog

A Letter to Dennis Hastert: You Are Kind of a Dck, And Here's Why Breaking Scandal Secret Sex Videos*

Larry Jankens — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 16:29:43 +0000

Dear Denny,

The Chicago Tribune reported today that in these tough economic times you have managed to somehow, against all odds, figured out a way to make sure you were going be okay at the expense of tax payers. Congratulations! You have balls the size of casaba melons (Are those big? I don’t know to be honest, it just sounded right). After being the speaker of house from 2000-2008, cutting taxes for the super rich, helping to deregulate the banking industry to ensure financial collapse, you remember; you are now a top Washington lobbyist is screwing the government and its constituents out of money. Bravo!

In case you couldn’t tell, Denny, I was being sarcastic. I don’t really want to congratulate you. This letter’s actual purpose is to shame you. I thought I’d reel you in with a nice opening paragraph and by the time to got to reading this, you’d figure you might finish because you already read the first two paragraphs.

If you are still reading, my plan worked. Shame on you Denny. You are exploiting a little known perk awarded to each former speaker of the house. This perk allows you to use public funds to establish a working office to “facilitate the administration, settlement and conclusion of matters pertaining to or arising out of” a former speaker’s tenure in the House.

While America is suffering from the worst economic melt down since economic analogies were created, the highest deficit in world history, and millions of people who can’t afford health insurance, you have spent $997,075.97 of taxpayer money to pay a full time staff for over $100k each (health benefits included, duh), $6,300 a month for rent (his landlord is literally a business partner’s son), and $860 a month to lease a new GMC Yukon (I can only assume it has the “gold package”).

You go ahead Denny, people have been out of work for over a year, we are stuck in two wars you helped push – but your comfort is more important to me than the well being of my fellow Americans. In case still couldn’t tell, I was being sarcastic again. I want to make sure that even though this is typed you read into my snarky delivery. One millions dollars is a very small drop in the huge bucket of our budget, I know. There are plenty of other bigger wastes of money that I should be writing people about, I’m sure – but it’s the principle of the matter, Denny. A lot of Americans are hurting right now. And even though a million dollars is not much money to you and you don’t think it’s that big of a deal, it is.

If you are interested in reading a more in depth description of your misdealing you can read about it here.

I have some closing questions before I let you go. It is to my extreme hope that you can fit into your busy day of collecting money that isn't yours to respond to these. Thank you for your time.

1. What the hell is wrong with you?

2. The Republicans claim to be against government waste, how does that work?

3. Having a seat on the CME BOD isn’t enough money for you?

4. What are you spending the money on?

5. Is that personal?

6. Is it a sex thing?

7. Do you have any guilt?

8. Nightmares that you are a horrible person who doesn’t care about the others?

I'm sure I'll hear from you soon, after all, I know you have a plush and luxurious office with state of the art technology that I'm paying for. You're welcome.

Also enclosed is a photo, please sign it. I want to show my friends what an asshole you are

Truly Yours,

Larry S. Jankens

**An actual breaking news item** ***No actual secret sex videos, I just put that in so it would pop up on searchs. TY Wolfrum***

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

Apple's iPad: Jesus Machine or PopeMobile?

Larry Jankens — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 16:26:46 +0000

Unless you’ve been living under an analog rock, you know Apple released the biggest surprise everyone knew about: the iPad. Dubbed “The Jesus Machine” (http://www.buzznews.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=102...) by some industry analysts (analysts whose hyperbole machine is broken), this product is supposed to resurrect the dying print media. Apparently, there were these things called “newspapers” and "magazines" that according to my research on Wikipedia consisted of actual paper and are covered with day old news that was often times used as toilet paper in a pinch by our ancestors and the iPad is going to save them all by forgiving their sins as long as they accept him into their hearts.

We here at dagblog.com pride ourselves in being on the cutting edge of technology and all things that are hip – regardless of the fact as to whether or not it's true. We take great pride in lots of things that may or may not be true, it’s kind of one of our themes. So below is a numbered list of how the Jesus Machine is more like the Popemobile (that's right, Pope, I said it, you ride is janky).

1. Make a controller for games

I’m sure you could use the iPad to be informed and organized, but what’s the point in that? People want to d*ck around. By selling a moderately priced controller the iPad would not only surf the internet, read books, act as a calendar and date book, watch HD YouTube, watch movies, play music, download media, and massage your nether regions, but also be a mini-game system.

2. Make subscriptions cheap and plentiful

The hope is that instead of paying $1.25 a week for a physical newspaper the Jesus Machine will cost you over $400 and then you have to pay $.30 a week for a digital newspaper. Hence saving the newspaper industry from their ever dwindling incomes. If newspapers want to make money they have to bundle subscriptions with other newspapers, make it ridiculously cheap, and provide content exclusive to subscribers. Otherwise people can just look up news on the internet and not bother with subscribing. The internet is way better than a newspaper why would anyone waste their time?

3. Magic jack that

By using the iPad as a base, an internet based phone service is doable. Phone receivers and a docking station would be all you would need. Plus you could synch it to your iPhone so that you can view who has called or left a message. Granted this device is designed to be portable, but you can set up an online vmail box so if you take the iPad with you you can still get messages and all the data your phone would have gotten had you or the iPad been home. Verizon has their version of the phone of the future but compared to the iPad it looks like a rotary.

4. Call MadTV and ask politely not be sued:

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

The finer points of the N-word

Larry Jankens — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 16:43:49 +0000

Ah, the n-word. A charged word. A word you can only use under certain conditions; conditions that have drastically transformed over the years. For instance, in Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn, Huckleberry drops the n-bomb like he was the U.S. Air Force flying over Dresden. Nowadays if a white boy from the south drops the n-bomb you better believe he is either reading Huckleberry Finn aloud or he is a racist idiot. The n-word has become more, shall we say, nuanced.

Even if used in context, it is generally inappropriate to use the n-word. If you are black, you can use it if you want as long as Bill Cosby isn’t in the room. If you’re not black and you save a black person’s life you are aloud to drop the n-bomb once and then only in front of the person whose life you saved and in context of telling a racist joke that the use of the n-word makes it funnier.

Over the past few years this line has become increasingly blurry with different variations of the n-word. Some people think that replacing the er ending with an a, makes it more acceptable to use. Leading black experts have poo-pooed this idea citing that the a ending doesn’t magically uncharge the word, however, Bill Cosby will give you a pass if you say it in context of a funny self-righteous stand-up routine. Further, the fact that white suburban kids wearing crooked straight brimmed hats and Volcom belts using the n-word-a with impunity, is a bit insulting.

Which is why I got offended on behalf of black people (you’re welcome) when I got a Facebook message from my friend using yet another variation of the n-word that while different than the original n-word and the n-word-a. The message went as follows: What’s up my nickka sic.? Hit me up!

Similar to the n-word-a, it includes with a ckk sound, pronounced like in the Yidish word challah – almost like you are clearing your throat – instead of the g sound. Not cool.

I think we can agree, unless you are reading Huckleberry Finn or saving a black person’s life, or are yourself black (unlike Harry Reid, I won’t use the other-n-word-ending-in-gro), let’s try to keep the n-word and n-word-esque words to ourselves. While yes, racism is funny (i.e. Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, and Dave Chapelle) there are certain things that are best left unsaid.

If there comes a time that the n-word becomes uncharged and people use it social conversation like “It’s as hot as an n-word under a heat lamp,” than I say great – go ahead. I don’t care for political correctness, but using the n-word(s) is just impolite.

N-word.

*At this point I'd like to ask readers who become easily offended by racially based writing (read: people who take things too seriously) to please forget you have just read this and go about your day)

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

Fixing the Middle East: Simple Economics

Larry Jankens — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 06:12:30 +0000

There is no other force that can strike strong accord to the most disharmonious parties than money. For two basic reasons: 1) Money makes people content; and 2) Contentment breeds tolerance. Accordingly, the best foreign policy the United States can undertake is one that recognizes the awesome power of dolla-dolla billz y’all. Here’s why:

If you were to give the average person the choice between spending their life murdering and evading murderers, constantly wondering when their family will be killed (like in many Middle Eastern countries) or being able to provide a decent life for their children and live in peace with your neighbors with money they make through an honest days work (like in many countries in the west), they will choose a decent life in peace to one of murder and anguish, regardless of ideology. When you give people economic opportunity you pacify them, because one doesn’t feel they have to run around orchestrating terrorist attacks they won’t. Why would they? They have their needs provided for? If people have economic opportunity they will naturally not commit acts of war against the establishment.

One of the central causes of turmoil in the Middle East is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Money is the only way to get peace to the Middle East. Some might say that establishing a monetary relationship is too simple of a method to bring these two together; these people have been fighting and hating each other for thousands of years, and probably for another thousand. To which I say: poppycock.

Look at the England and France. Those two hated each other for a long time. The hated each other so much that when they fought in The Hundred Years War it took them 116 years (1337-1453) to complete it because they couldn’t fit all of the fighting into one century. But these two haven’t engaged in any significant military conflicts against each other for nearly 200 years because they are in business together. They have established a positive fiscal relationship with one another so that attacking the other would be too costly. Bombings and war tend to make productivity in the commercial sector dip. The money they make with (the key preposition here is with) each other guarantees their continued peace.

And don’t give me the bullsh*t that Muslims inherently hate Christians and Jews. The Ottoman Empire was run by devout Muslims and actively tolerated both Christians and Jews (it’s true, I read it on Wikipedia). There is nothing intrinsically violent and intolerant about the Muslim religion.

I’m not saying it would be easy, or that if you just write the Palestinians a check they would automatically love everybody, but I am saying that if Israel and Palestine slowly built a mutually rewarding and equitable business relationship they would no longer want to kill each other. It would be a rough road, I’m sure, but there would come a point when a suicide bomber’s family will be pissed at him because his bombing f*cked up a business deal that would have netted the family a crap-load of cash. After a few years of making money off of the Palestinians the Israeli military will hesitate in blowing up sh*t up if it means lower productivity and lower profits. It’s simple economics.

How do I know this? I just watched You Don't Mess With the Zohan - not only is it an awesome movie but it is an allegory for middle east peace. Think about it.

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

Japanese Man Surprises No One by Marrying a Video Game Character

Larry Jankens — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:12:30 +0000

On Sunday Sal9000 married the love of his life, Nene Anegasaki, who just happens to be character in a Nintendo DS video game, Love Plus. Aside from the obvious irony that the video game character has a more normal sounding name than the actual person, this is a notable union because it is a step in the direction of respectability compared to the Japanese raping video game that we have discussed here at Dagblog. At least this guy is marrying the video and will be having consensual – eh – game play(?).

At first I thought this was a joke perpetrated by Sal9000, I mean come on, his name is Sal9000, but after recognizing that he was Japanese and seeing the wedding video I realized that this guy is for real. He really does love the video game character he created. Which, you know, good for him.

After doing some investigating, it turns out that this type of attachment to inanimate (even though she is technically animated, I’m still classifying Nene Anegasaki as such) objects is not just a freaky Japanese fetish it is a world wide phenomenon that originated in Germany (no surprise there). There are a whole group of people of who classify themselves as Objectum Sexuals – people who have loving relationships with objects and not people. You can learn more about the specifics of objectum sexuality at their official homepage. Don’t worry, it’s SFW, unless you find pictures of fences and people caressing walls inappropriate. http://www.objectum-sexuality.org/

While I personally don’t have any object fetishes (closest thing is my adoration for my iPhone) I think it is great that other people can find happiness in strange places, be it video games, objects, or anywhere else. Weird? Yes. Slightly disturbing and confusing? Uh, yeah. But Sal9000 and other objectum sexuals aren’t hurting anybody else, aren’t adding to the over population, and are enjoying themselves to boot – more power to them.

So on behalf of Dagblog, congrats Sal9000 and Mrs. 9000. You may be weird, but at least you are enjoying yourself.

**UPDATE** Follow this link to see a video of these two enjoying their honeymoon in Liberty City: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

MNFW: Judgement Edition

Larry Jankens — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 01:23:29 +0000

It's been a while since I posted on Dagblog. I'm not going to apologize for my absence or explain why, I just wanted to point it out. Anyway, welcome to another exciting edition of My New Favorite Websites (MNFW): the judgement edition. Join me in relishing these two websites that help you look down upon other people - it's fun!

The People of Walmart

I don't know about your local Walmart, but mine is always busy. Every time I go to Walmart it's like Jesus there is signing autographs. It is packed full of people who want to live the good life by buying imported Chinese goods. So is it really any surprise that a website documenting the outlandish outfits has come up? Most people who go to Walmart are average people, but with the sheer volume of folks who go there, there's bound to a woman who forgot to cover up her back boobs.

Look at This Fucking Hipster

I'm not gonna lie, I dressed like a wierdo when I was a yout. I was into punk rock and hip hop so I wore a mohawk and baggy pants. Thank goodness there wasn't a website dedicated to posting pictures of punk-hiphoppers. My point is this: chances are, you dressed like a jackass at sometime in your life - unless you are a grown-ass-person who should know better (like the people of Walmart) I'll give you a pass. Even if you look like this guy:

The People of Walmart and Look at This Fucking Hipster feed their visitors hefty spoonfuls of judgment. Each site features pictures of people who were never taught how to dress themselves or are too dumb to know better. If you are in the mood to judge people for their amazingly bad taste in clothes these sites are for you.

I love these websites because I love to judge. It’s a basic human instinct, like eating or smelling your own farts. It feels so good to look at other people and assume your superiority to them based on their outward appearance. Feeling bad about yourself? Look at these pictures of people who dress like a blind person who has mean friends helping them pick out their clothes, you’ll feel much better.

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

Levi Johnston Has Deep Tweets

Larry Jankens — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:00:56 +0000

Levi Johnston has some deep tweets. Below is just a small collection of his tweets. If you have not already, you need to follow him.

1. Rap Video

2. WTF Indeed

3. So Deep

4. Hey Black People...

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

Killed Abortionist Dr. Tiller Remembered in Stupid Cartoons Drawn by Idiots

Larry Jankens — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:37:15 +0000

You can find just about anything on the internet nowadays. And I do mean everything, I found a website dedicated Charles In Charge trivia (www.cicoml.com/angelfire/79874984434), I found a social network for short guys who love tall women (www.giraffehunters.net), I even found a website that talks about former President Reagan like he was a good president (http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/68788). So was I really shocked to find out Scott Roeder, killer of Dr. George Tiller abortion doctor extraordinaire, had fans of his trying to sell drawings of support for Roeder on eBay? No.

What surprised me is how incredibly pathetic the drawings were. Let’s look at them one by one.

David vs. the Goliath Abortion Industry

The effect the artist is going for is clear here: he is drawing a parallel between Paul’s killing of Dr. Tiller and the story of David and Goliath. I’m not sure how David managed to decapitate Goliath, or as he’s called in this picture – Child Murdering Industry, using only a slingshot. And I’m not sure why Dr. Tiller looks like Sylvester Stallone, but the sun in the background is well done. I didn’t realize we had a whole industry of built around child murdering, you would think that people outside of a small minority of religious wackos would be upset if we murdered children. Hmmm… I guess the majority of Americans view it as a woman’s health and choice industry.

Precious Babies

Awe, this guy isn’t sad because he chooses to protect precious babies. That is so sweet. And since Dr. Tiller was born with Benjamin Button syndrome he was never a baby and therefore doesn’t fall into the precious baby category this guy so lovingly protects. Also, it looks like the woman has just one boob, a uniboob if you will, and it looks like the artist was a little over zealous in shading under her uniboob area. Oh, and the guy looks like a horse.

Dead Baby Graveyard

I find it interesting that all of the babies that were aborted and then put into a graveyard were all Christian. I mean, they all have crosses on the tombstone denoting their belief in Christ. Damn, that is a lot of dead Christian fetuses (or is it feti?), you would think that being anti-abortion would mean that Christian women not be aborting all these Christian babies. And that’s an interesting bible quote from Isiah 5:20, though, one could argue killing a man in cold blood because he thinks differently then you and then calling it a good thing would be the complete antithesis of what that bible quote is supposed to mean, but why split hairs when you can bash Obama and glorify dead Christian feti?

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

Facebook and Your Mom

Larry Jankens — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:41:51 +0000

Luckily my parents are luddites so I dont' have to worry about this. Friend me on face book before your mom does: Larry Jankens

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

Sean Hannity vs. The NYC Subway: A Dumb Story

Larry Jankens — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:46:59 +0000

In a recent show, America's favorite ex-jock-turned-opinion-maker, Sean Hannity discusses his disgust for New Yorkers tolerance of anti-christian propaganda, or as some people call it: common sense.

If you’ve been riding the New York City subway lately, you may have seen some curious ads plastered on the walls, spreading the word that you can live a great life without God.

Ads like this one are hitting New York City subways, courtesy of a $25,000 ad campaign launched by the group Big Apple Coalition of Reason. According to a spokesman for the group, the ads are meant to inform New Yorkers that, “A million of us have found or created natural morality and lead good, productive and meaningful lives without appeal to religious dogma or God.”

Wow, how incredibly informative.

Can you imagine the outrage if a Christian group put pro-God ads in the New York City subways?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,568839,00.html

Since Hannity and none of his staff ride the NYC subway system, they don't know (or choose to forget to mention that there are pro-christian ads and messages all over the subway. Ads for different churches, ads for religious orders, and even free "stress tests" from Tom Cruise can be found in the subway and throughout New York. But since these facts, that we call reality, don't conform to Hannity's world view he doesn't bother mentioning them.

New Yorkers are blessed witht the ability to tolerate people who have different view points. It's a skill that is acquired when one lives in such a big city. You don't have to like or agree with other people say, but it's no reason to spew vitriolic bullsh*t and throw a hissy fit.

Also, it should be noted that the much villified ACLU, the organization that Hannity says is trying to kill Jesus, goes out of its way to make sure that christians have the right to express themselves: http://www.mysaline.com/forum/topics/the-aclu-fights-for-christians - Now that's incredibly informative.

But then again, Hannity's stance on NYC subway ads being completely detatched from reality makes more sense when you find out the two new books he has in the works:

Also, if you haven't already, be sure to read Genghis's recent write ups on Fox, Persecution Politics, they are excellent.

Feature video:

Include this post in the featured videos

Larry Jankens's blog

A Letter to Dennis Hastert: You Are Kind of a D*ck, And Here's Why **Breaking Scandal** ***Secret Sex Videos***

Apple's iPad: Jesus Machine or PopeMobile?

The finer points of the N-word

Fixing the Middle East: Simple Economics

Japanese Man Surprises No One by Marrying a Video Game Character

MNFW: Judgement Edition

Levi Johnston Has Deep Tweets

Killed Abortionist Dr. Tiller Remembered in Stupid Cartoons Drawn by Idiots

Facebook and Your Mom

Sean Hannity vs. The NYC Subway: A Dumb Story

A Letter to Dennis Hastert: You Are Kind of a Dck, And Here's Why Breaking Scandal Secret Sex Videos*