dagblog.com - Sports

Everyone in the NFL arrested

William K. Wolfrum — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:01:10 +0000

CANTON, Ohio – In a surprise move by the Federal Government, every single player in the NFL has been arrested today. Charges range from possession of illegal performance enhancing drugs, sexual harassment, domestic abuse, perjury, driving while intoxicated, and an undeserved sense of self-worth.

Aside from the players, every owner was also arrested, for everything from collusion to tax fraud to using the NFL season as a bargaining chip.

“We figured we had probable cause just to arrest everyone,” said a government spokesman. “We’re pretty sure we can get a 90 percent conviction rate, without even having any physical evidence yet.”

The charges come following several recent incidents, including Minnesota Vikings All-Pro defensive tackle Kevin Williams testifying that he has never taken steroids or steroid-masking agents, and Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger being accused of sexual assault.

Also, two players – Miami’s Will Allen and Washington’s Bryan Westbrook – have recently been arrested for DUIs.

“It’s pretty obvious that everyone in the NFL has skirted the law for years,” said the federal official. “Even the players that aren’t guilty of anything are guilty of hanging around those that are guilty.

"We're just trying to protect the general public,” he added.

With all teams now sans any players and the NFL Draft coming up, the arrests are good news for former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. The former University of Florida quarterback is now expected to be picked as early as the 6th round by quarterback-hungry teams.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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Tiger Woods dropped by Gatorade - blogger's funniest post ever now moot

William K. Wolfrum — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 01:27:08 +0000

It is with great sadness that I announce that Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods as a sponsor. No, it wasn't because they finally realized that golfers don't actually need electrolytes, it's far more nefarious than that. They dropped Tiger because he was doing the only thing that really required Gatorade - having sex with dozens and dozens of women not named Mrs. Woods.

But enough of Tiger Woods. This sudden, horrible development has affected me personally. You see, a couple years ago, I reached the peak of the golf blogging summit by penning the now legendary post - "Gatorade Tiger: Instead of wasting scientists' time analyzing Tiger Woods' sweat, why not just sell his bodily fluids?"

That post was the pinnacle of my career, and most can easily see it's been all downhill from there. So while Tiger loses some money, I lose the best part of my career. See for yourself. Here is a brief snippet of the post, which can be found in its entirety at WorldGolf.com:

As a golf blogger of some note, I spend a good deal of my time thinking about Tiger Woods’ hydration. Is he hydrating enough? Is he rehydrating properly? Are there enough scientists working around the clock to insure that his hydration levels are at peak capacity?

Luckily, my mind was put at ease when Paul Dalessio of Fleishman-Hillard and representing Gatorade sent me an e-mail, notifying me of the exciting news in the world of Tigdration.

“Gatorade Tiger is a new line of Gatorade Thirst Quencher formulated for Tiger Woods in great-tasting flavors he selected. Gatorade Tiger provides the same carbohydrate energy to fuel muscles as Gatorade Thirst Quencher with 25 percent more electrolytes to deliver advanced hydration that helps people stay on top of their game, both physically and mentally,” wrote Dalessio.

You bet that’s “advanced hydration.” That’s crazy hydration, if you ask me. Twenty-five percent more electrolytes? You know how they refer to that in scientific circles? As a “crap-load” of more electrolytes, that’s how.

Speaking of scientists, it seems there are literally teams of folks who’ve gotten “advanced degrees” that now spend their days examining Tiger Woods’ sweat.

“Gatorade began working with Tiger Woods in fall 2007, when he met with the Gatorade Sports Science Institute (GSSI). Scientists conducted sweat analysis testing with Woods, which showcased his dedication to this collaboration and to improving every aspect of his training and competition. GSSI scientists measured Woods’ sweat rate, sweat electrolyte concentration, fluid and electrolyte balance and energy needs during a vigorous round of exercise. Based on the scientific results of the tests, GSSI developed a specialized hydration and nutrition strategy,” wrote Dalessio.

You can actually watch them testing Tiger on YouTube by clicking here. It’s really solid, behind-the-scenes stuff that is somewhat akin to getting a behind the scenes look at Oppenheimer creating the atomic bomb. Except, you know, it’s a bunch of scientists wiping sweat off of Tiger.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but I’d think that for a scientist, getting a job with the Gatorade Sports Science Institute is akin to someone with a degree in quantum mechanics getting a job at Disney making sure the little, singing animatronic kids on “It’s a Small World” don’t break down.

I can just imagine the conversations that must occur at parties where scientists congregate:

Scientist No. 1: So what are you working on?

Scientist No. 2: Well, we’re working on a vaccine that we hope will be ready in time before Bird Flu jumps to humans and kills most of humanity. What about you?

Scientist No. 1: Uh, I analyze Tiger Woods’ sweat. You know, for electrolytes and stuff. At the Gatorade Sports Science Institute.

Scientist No. 2: They have an Institute, do they? Well how about that. I’m going to walk over there now, ok?

Dalessio was even able to get a quote from Tiger Woods himself in his e-mail:

“I’ve experienced a lot of amazing moments in my golf career, but no matter what I accomplish my goal is to be better tomorrow than I was today,” said Woods. “Now that Gatorade Tiger is hitting store shelves, I am excited for everyone to try it.”

Wow, Tiger, I’m not sure how one sentence is really connected to the other, but thanks for pitching in. Still, it’s sort of like me writing:

“I’ve written a lot of great blog posts during my blogging career, but I’m still trying to do better,” said Wolfrum. “Now get out there and eat more donuts.”

I haven’t tasted Gatorade Tiger because I’m saving my money up to buy a gallon of gas. But I’m guessing that the Gatorade Tiger collection - Red Drive (Cherry blend), Cool Fusion (Citrus blend) and Quiet Storm (Grape blend) - all have that distinctive Gatorade flavor of fruit punch that had a used sweat sock dunked in it. For Gatorade Tiger, however, they may have double-dunked the sweat sock, which would explain for the crap-load of extra electrolytes.

Anyway, this is neither an endorsement nor a rejection of Gatorade Tiger, but I hope it’s helped convey how ridiculous I find the whole enterprise. Honestly, I think if you drank a glass of tap water and ate a Life Saver or two, you’d get all the “advanced hydration” your body needs. But remember, I’m not even qualified to work at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute. At least I think I’m not.

Personally, I think they should go in a different direction and just flat-out collect and sell Tiger Woods’ bodily fluids. You could charge a fortune for it and tell people it will make them “Hyper Tydrated.” And it would probably taste roughly the same as Gatorade Tiger Cool Fusion, I’d hazard to guess.

--WKW

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Olympic update: gut-check time

acanuck — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:23:44 +0000

I'm not one of those who see the glass as seven-eighths empty. I see it, rather, as one-eighth full. So I'm not crying in my crisp, refreshing Canadian beer over last night's 5-3 loss to the United States in Olympic hockey.

No, there is an upside: Canada won't have to face Russia or Sweden in the gold-medal game next weekend. The downside is that we will have to beat both those powerhouse teams one-on-one to get within even sniffing distance of the podium. Assuming we can first dispatch Germany tomorrow night.

By losing to the U.S., Canada has made its path to hockey gold exponentially harder. I'm cool with that. It's only fair that this team of highly paid superstars should have to scratch and claw and body-check its way to victory (or to honorable defeat), just like everybody else.

Sharp contrast: Virtually every TV set in Canada was tuned to the Canada-U.S. game last night -- while NBC, holder of the U.S. broadcast rights, kept its cameras focused on the figure skaters and pretended hockey was not an Olympic event.

Sentimental favorite: Catch, if you can, tomorrow's performance by Quebec skater Joannie Rochette. Rochette's parents had flown to Vancouver to watch her compete. She was awakened yesterday by her father and her coach with news that her 55-year-old mother had died overnight of a heart attack. Hours later, Rochette was on the ice, practising her short program. She may or may not make the podium, but she is sure to have spectators around the world cheering her grit.

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Big Olympic scandal: bogus flags on display!

acanuck — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:17:47 +0000

The Vancouver Olympic organizing committee has gotten a lot of unfair criticism, so I hate to pile on.
But I've watched quite a few medal presentation ceremonies over the past few days, and I'm now fairly positive: that is not Canada's flag on display.
Ours is a red maple leaf on a white central square, with two red bands half as wide on either side. Its proportions are therefore 1:2.
All the flags I see raised at the medal ceremonies appear to be 2:3. And I'm making allowances for camera angles.
That's fine for some countries -- like France, Italy or even Russia -- whose flags really have those proportions.
Not, I would argue, for Canada.
That central white square sets our flag apart. In heraldry, they coined a new term for it: "a Canadian pale." By definition, it's square -- as wide as it is deep. Not 2 by 3!
I can understand why the Olympic organizers would opt for a one-size-fits-all compromise. And there are other countries -- like the United Kingdom and Australia -- that are also being shortchanged.
But we're the host country, dammit. At the very least, I want to see my own actual flag on display when we win. Or even take silver or bronze.

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Tiger Woods announces switch to Christianity to save marriage

William K. Wolfrum — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 10:32:34 +0000

Taking a break from his sex addiction therapy, Tiger Woods today discussed his recent problems and announced that he will switch to Christianity as per the advice of Fox News journalist Brit Hume.

Here is a snippet from Friday’s press conference with Woods from the Match Play Championship in Florida:

“Thanks for coming. During the past few months, as my life has collapsed down upon me in the most humiliating of fashions, I have learned some important lessons. First off, don’t f**k around with your earning potential. Trust me on this, it’s just stupid.

More importantly, I have learned that being a Buddhist in no way prepares a person for these types of situations. Thus, taking Brit Hume’s advice, I hereby announce that I am now a Christian.

In my theological pursuits, I have yet to find a major religion that is as accepting of serial adultery than Christianity. Now that I have accepted Jesus Christ as the one and true savior, I can apologize for my sins, and now I’m clean.

Christianity is perfect for those like me that are unable to deal with the sexual pressures that come from being a public figure. Time and time again, Christians have committed adultery, only to find themselves forgiven by God and the media alike. Praise Jesus.

So, my friends, please know that Jesus is in my life and he loves the sinner as long as the sinner apologizes. And this sinner has been apologizing left and right.

But now you are free to love me again. Because while I have made mistakes, Jesus forgives me. And if I’m good enough for him, than I should be good enough for you.

The sanctity of my marriage is now protected by Jesus. Also, I’ve been hitting some balls recently and my knee is in great shape. I should be back in time for the Masters. Praise Jesus. Drive a Buick.

While Woods did not say what denomination he now was, the mainstream media have now moved on from the Woods story, as per Jesus. Woods also said that since "Jesus was cool with steroids, there's no reason to discuss that, either." Finally. Woods announced that he will soon change his name to “Bobby Hogan,” in order to give off a friendlier, Christian vibe.

“He’s found Jesus now,” said golf writer Jason Sobel. “Bobby’s a good guy again.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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College Football: Stranger than Fiction

Doctor Cleveland — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:24:24 +0000

From Inside Higher Ed:

Southern Cal Signs 13-Year-Old Quarterback

Need more evidence of the disconnect between big-time college sports and the institutions to which they are appended? The University of Southern California's football team has committed one of its football scholarships for the 2015 entering class to David Sills, a 13-year-old quarterback at a middle school in Delaware, The News-Journal of Wilmington reported. Lane Kiffin, the new coach at Southern Cal, made a similar signing of a 13-year-old last year when he was at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, and that player is presumably out of luck now that Kiffin has moved on to USC. Sills told ESPN that Southern Cal has always been his "dream school." Reports that USC's admissions office is offering slots in its 2015 undergraduate class to several very talented middle school mathematicians are false.

And no, this is not one of Wolfie's posts. Reality (or reality as understood by NCAA Division I) is apparently after Wolfie's market share.

I really have nothing to add except that I deeply admire the snark of that last paragraph and that it is illegal to hold anyone to a contract that they signed when they were thirteen.

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A Jack Johnson pardon awaits only a signature from Barack Obama

William K. Wolfrum — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:16:58 +0000

It seems the moment that Barack Obama took over the Presidency of the United States, his overall message changed. “Change We Can Believe in” morphed into “Bipartisanship: Now and Forever.” Like Bill Clinton before him, the need for Republican acceptance has become a an almost fetish for Obama, with the results thus far quite predictable – the U.S. government is now radically partisan.

Of course, there’s one thing Obama could do – today – that would briefly appease some of his most vociferous critics. That would be to pardon Jack Johnson.

Jack Johnson was the first African-American Heavyweight champion. And despite having not thrown a punch in anger in more than 70 years, and having been dead for more than 60 years, many still consider him the greatest boxer in history.

As one can imagine, being the first Black Heavyweight champion – he won the title in 1908 – led to Johnson being the most reviled figure of his time. A surge of racism ran through the blood of even the most prominent writers and politicians of the day, and a concerted effort was made to take him down. To White America, the flashy and cocky Johnson needed to be shown his place.

Unable to find a white man to beat Johnson in the ring, they used the legal system to take him down. In 1912, Johnson was first arrested for a violation of the odious Mann Act. Unable to secure a conviction, he was then again arrested in 1913 for the same offense. The offenses? “Transporting women across state lines for immoral purposes.” Johnson knew both women well. The “crimes” he committed actually took place before the Mann Act had been ratified. But the U.S. judicial system did what no white boxer could do. They beat Jack Johnson, sentencing him to a year and a day in Federal prison.

Simply put, Jack Johnson had been convicted for being an unapologetic Black man.

Johnson fled the country, eventually losing his title to Jess Willard in 1915. Johnson finally returned to the U.S. in 1920, and served his sentence in Leavenworth. It is long past time for that sentence to be stricken from his record.

Jack Johnson does not deserve to be pardoned for being a good man. He was, in fact, a bad man in many aspects, with the onus of that description being his violence and abuse of women. But this is not about Johnson’s other sins.

Jack Johnson does not deserve to be pardoned because it’s African-American History Month. That is but an intangible moment of time.

Jack Johnson does not deserve to be pardoned because Barack Obama is the first African-American to serve as President. That is ridiculousness.

Jack Johnson deserves to be pardoned because he was arrested and tormented by the U.S. government solely because he was a Black man. His story is by no means unique. But his prominence and historical importance makes his story stand out and helps us all recognize the blatant crimes committed against African-Americans by America’s judicial system. His arrest – like many so many others – was purely racially motivated.

Both the House and Senate have demanded that Johnson be pardoned. The bill is on President Obama’s desk. But he won’t sign it. Because the Justice Department said it prefers to focus its pardon resources on people “who can truly benefit” from them.

“In terms of Jack Johnson, I think the Department of Justice came back recommending — not recommending a pardon on that,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs.

The resolution Congress passed to pardon Johnson said in part that it was “for the racially motivated conviction in 1913 that diminished the athletic, cultural, and historic significance of Jack Johnson and unduly tarnished his reputation … [It would] expunge a racially motivated abuse of the prosecutorial authority of the federal government from the annals of criminal justice in the United States.”

It is long past time to pardon Jack Johnson. The posthumous pardon has bi-partisan support, as Sen. John McCain and Rep. Peter King – Republicans both – are among those that have championed his cause.

But Jack Johnson should not be pardoned because it achieves some type of non-partisan unity. He should be pardoned because he was imprisoned for being a Black man. He should be pardoned because it would truly benefit us all.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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Why College Football Playoffs Are Wrong

Doctor Cleveland — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:21:16 +0000

So a lot of people, including the President, have been talking lately about remedying the evils of college football. The chief evil that needs remedying is apparently the Bowl Championship System, which isn't enough of a "real" championship and needs to be replaced with a system of playoffs. That's a big surprise to me, because I can think of a lot of other problems with big-time college football, and instituting playoffs would probably make them worse.

Just to face some basic facts: there is only so much full-speed, seriously competitive football that the human body can take. If you want to play two-handed touch on your lawn every day, that will work. If you're practicing with a team, practice can happen most days (although the coaches will build in some lower-impact days, and some rest). But actually playing, in the big time, is another thing. The question of how much football one man can take is answered, more or less, by the NFL's schedule: 16 games in 17 weeks. 16 games a season is a pretty low number, and if that's all the owners schedule, it's not because tradition matters more to them than money. It's because that's all the competitive football even the best, most elite professional players can really take.

Professional baseball players can play ten times as many games a season than NFL players do, and NBA basketball players can play five times as many games, because those sports don't beat up the athletes' body in the same way. If the NFL season were longer, or the games were more frequent, you would eventually see too many players getting injured ("too many" meaning in this case too many for the game to be fun) or the quality of play weakened to help players survive. (If the NFL had to play three games a week, you'd see a much, much less physical game.) Football is the most physically demanding and punishing team sport. The only harsher sports are individual sports, like boxing and the marathon, where serious athletes can't even compete once a week.

Now, the Bowl Championship Division Series is already close to full professional length, between twelve and thirteen regular-season games compared to the NFL's sixteen. That makes sense, considering that BCS college football functions, basically, as a minor league for the NFL. Players get accustomed to a longer and more intense schedule than they did as high school players, but not as long or intense as the pro schedule. That's necessary, as the players build up their conditioning, strengthen their still-developing bodies, and learn to play the game at a newer, harder level. So the current system is probably a pretty decent level of intensity, and the Bowl system, where there's a one-game postseason for a lot of teams, isn't so terrible.

But if you add, say, a three-round playoff to the college schedule (and if a playoff system starts there will outraged demands for more than three rounds), you're looking at college players playing something pretty close to the full NFL schedule. And that's going to mean injuries: more injuries, and worse injuries, including some career-enders. A kid who's trying to compete for the big time at the same time he's making the adjustment from an 10- or 11-game high school season to what's basically a fifteen-game Div I season is going to get hurt. The question is how much. The extended postseason, where you've got a lot of young and inexperienced players who are worn down by the long season but trying to redouble their efforts for the "meaningful games" is pretty much a recipe for some serious, serious damage. Will every player get hurt badly? No. Some will be lucky, and get only the routine injuries that football players routinely conceal. But plenty of people will get hurt worse than that, needlessly, and players who could have gone on to big things will end up out of the game for good.

A full NCAA football season is about as much as you can ask. Really. A full season plus two or three playoff games is a lot more than you can ask of a kid who isn't being paid. If it's "wrong" to not have a "real" championship, it's also wrong to ask a kid to risk his body and his future for free, just to please ESPN and the Vegas lines. Yeah, yeah, the kids get paid with an education. Sure. But adding another three- or five-week playoff season, right into the spring semester, pretty much goes to show what a sorry pretense that is. If this were about educating kids for something beside football, we wouldn't be talking about playoffs at all. And yeah, kids play Div I ball for their shot at the NFL. But extending seasons for players who aren't ready for that punishment yet means risking those players' shot at making the NFL, ever. They only make that pro money if they excel and stay healthy. If they get hurt (or need to play more cautiously to keep from getting hurt), they get nothing. And that's not just "wrong" the way an imperfectly-satisfying-television-spectacle is "wrong." It's simply wrong: a selfish, vicious, rotten-hearted thing to do to another person.

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UK takes Blair to task; U.S. to do same – to College Football

William K. Wolfrum — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 13:22:02 +0000

Our cousins across the pond took former Prime Minister Tony Blair to task yesterday during an Iraq War Inquiry. Not to be out done, the Obama Administration has announced it is ready to do its own investigation – of the Bowl Championship Series.

From ESPN:

WASHINGTON — The Obama administration is considering several steps that would review the legality of the controversial Bowl Championship Series, the Justice Department said in a letter Friday to a senator who had asked for an antitrust review.

In the letter to Sen. Orrin Hatch, obtained by The Associated Press, Assistant Attorney General Ronald Weich wrote that the Justice Department is reviewing Hatch’s request and other materials to determine whether to open an investigation into whether the BCS violates antitrust laws.

“Importantly, and in addition, the administration also is exploring other options that might be available to address concerns with the college football postseason,” Weich wrote, including asking the Federal Trade Commission to review the legality of the BCS under consumer protection laws.

Several lawmakers and many critics want the BCS to switch to a playoff system, rather than the ratings system it uses to determine the teams that play in the championship game.

All can breathe a sigh of relief should this investigation take place. We must learn from history. America cannot allow the University of Utah get screwed by the BCS again. The nation just can’t afford it.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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Brock Lesnar finally opens up about Universal Health Care

William K. Wolfrum — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 20:38:15 +0000

For the past year or so, one question has been on everyone’s mind: What does UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar think about Universal Health Care?

Finally, we have an answer – not much.

“I love Canada,” said Lesnar. “Some of the best people and best hunting in the world, but I wasn’t in the right facility.”

“They couldn’t do nothing for me,” he added. “It was like I was in a Third World country, I just looked at my wife and she saved my life and I had to get out of there.” …

“The only reason I’m mentioning this, I’m mentioning it to the United States of America because President Obama is looking for health care reform and I don’t want it … I’m speaking on behalf of Americans, I’m speaking on behalf of our doctors in the United States that don’t want this to happen and neither do I.”

As noted at Deadspin, however, Lesnar didn’t much help prove his point:

Perhaps subverting his argument, Lesnar admits that while back in the States, he was misdiagnosed with mononucleosis. But not even the best in the world get it right on the first try every time.

So Americans, thank your lucky stars that an ultimate fighter with great health insurance is speaking out on your behalf. And while it seems that Republicans will be foolish enough to ignore my call to make Lesnar their leader, it will be interesting to see if Lesnar follows Scott Brown’s lead and runs for Congress. After all, like Brown, Lesnar is mostly naked a lot, more than likely owns a truck, and could care less whether ordinary people can get affordable health insurance.

Update: And Canada responds.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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