The Daily Pitch

When Midnight Lasts 'til Dawn

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:33:00 +0000

. . . your greatest spiritual experience was when you decided to turn your life over to your Higher Power.

This morning I was sitting on the john thinking. It is not the best place to think about anything, but I had to get rid of stuff. I did inventory in my mind while also getting rid of excess waste from my body. I sat there thinking, contemplating, wondering how it must feel for a prison inmate on death row to wait for his last final day, hour, minute and the seconds preceding his death. Why I was thinking about this I have no idea. It just came to me sitting there. I tried to imagine the feelings how it must feel to wait for something knowing it is going to happen sooner or later.

Contrary, to my life, which the girl I love with all my heart and I were discussing, our life together recently is like a roller coaster ride. It's ups and downs swooping heavily the past few months. It is one of the reasons I have not kept up with my writing in this blog. Life gets really busy, sometimes getting really messy. The other idea I had this morning sitting on the john was to write, so here I am . . . writing.

One of the things I thought about – which is actually the second thought I had – was about the last meal the prison inmate has before his execution. Ah . . . the mind of a compulsive eater, always thinking about food, selfish and greedy to the very end. I asked myself, "What would I have as my last meal?" I tried not to think about it. Instead, I thought of the differences between my life and that of the inmate on death row.

The other place I do my thinking is when I power walk. Today, I power walked almost ten miles. Most of my time is spent in walking meditation. Here I thought about God's Grace, His Mercy for all the things I have done and not done. But, I still couldn't get my thoughts out of my head on the differences between my life and that of a prisoner on death row. The question I had for myself is “Am I a prisoner of my own existence, of my own fate?” I didn't know what to think.

If I had to look at my life, it has not changed that much. I am still struggling to find a job, to move in with the girl I love with all my heart and have our lives settle down. There always seems to be a barrier, a blockade that keeps me from getting a job or moving in with the girl I love with all my heart. What am I doing wrong? Am I being negative about something? Am I complaining about something? Is this the reason our lives seem to move in slow motion? Am I supposed to work only a couple of afternoons a week?

If I really look at my life, God has really taken very good care of my needs. But, I want more. I want what I want and I want what is the desire in my heart and I want it now. In God's time, not my time. I have to stop being so freakin' impatient and selfish. And that is too fuckin' hard when I want to be in control!

The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have. ~ Norman Vincent Peale

I must remember – fearless with complete abandon!

With Love, I Am Untouchable

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:30:00 +0000

. . . what taking the Third Step really means . . .

This post is based on question number 14 from the booklet “Reflections on Spirituality with Came to Believe.” When I embarked on using the questions as a topic for this blog little did I realize how my life correlates with the question at hand. Now more than ever, I need to practice the Twelve Steps in my life. Especially now that my financial insecurity is more rampant in my daily life. I keep praying, wishing and sending out résumé after résumé – nothing.

I ask myself, “Have I been complaining? Have I been murmuring against the will of God?”

Little do I know – anything. I know nothing. In the scheme of things, I am a speck of dust. I am a grain in the sand of time. I am just passing through on my way to eternal life. Along my travels, through this life, I have met some interesting folk and some that I wish I had done without. But, I know as I was told a long time ago that everything – the good and the bad are totally necessary. It (the bad) makes the good things look even that much more better. There, in that statement lies the question: What is my divine assignment?

Now, more than ever, I love God. I love the girl I love with all my heart and I love my life. At the moment, at least for right now, I have stopped – I have stopped figuring out what the hell I am supposed to be doing. I am doing the next indicated step – living in the moment. Yes, I have fear. But, I am also learning to live with fear by having trust in my Higher Power and building a faith in God that is stronger than ever – one that will sustain me in difficult times.

I have met many interesting people in my life. Some stay in my life for a very long time, others briefly. Some people leave an impression, others make a huge impact. I had the honor and privilege of meeting a person who was briefly in my life, but made a huge impact on it. I am forever grateful to God for allowing this person to walk into our lives. My life has been forever changed because of this man. It has allowed me to understand that life is much more precious than any material thing: that money, property and prestige mean nothing, that the only thing we have is this moment. The example of this man has allowed me to be a more spiritual man – to be in the presence of God, in His Light. That we are all loved.

. . . the girl I love with all my heart and I were having a garage sale. It is hard enough to put an end to a chapter in one's life without having the news of our friend passing on to the next dimension. I was in backyard dealing with customers, when I heard the yelling and crying of the girl I love with all my heart. Immediately, thoughts after thoughts of what might have occurred went through my mind. I rushed to the front of the house to find my girl sitting on the driveway sobbing uncontrollably. I walked up to her as she handed me her cell phone. I read the text message. Something in my being left me. It is hard to describe, but I have had it happen to me with people who have been an important part of my life. It was at that moment I realized my total surrender in my powerlessness. I stopped fighting everything and anyone. It didn't matter anymore what my selfishness and self-centered fear wanted. I wanted nothing and I didn't want anything.

The minutes afterward that ensued allowed me to understand a part of myself I had never dealt with. It allowed me to be present with people and not have any evil, any addiction present to numb out any feelings to oblivion. I was living in the moment and I could be of service to others. It allowed me to see that death is a part of life. And to believe what Mother Teresa said, “He who is closest to death is closest to God.” It also allowed me to know that no matter how immense my problems are, they are trivial – nothing – to not having the important things in life, which is the love of a Higher Power and the love from the people around me.

To our friend, Greg “Cupcake” B. ~ Rest my friend, you are with God.

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death. ~ Author Unknown

Even death is powerless against the love God has given me – love prevails making me eternal and untouchable.

A Lover's Quarrel

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 18:30:00 +0000

Have you had a conscious contact with God?

I pray and hope that I have passed through the blackest years of my life. The longer I stay abstinent, the better chance at living a happy and joyful life. But, it is extremely difficult to live with a mind and emotions that are triggered by fear and negativity. Exposed to the program for over nineteen years, I used it as a diet, never as a way of life. I had many successful weight loss episodes where in a given month I could lose up to fifty pounds. Each time, I was a 30 day wonder and everytime I gained hopelessness and lack of humility.

I need to learn, that perhaps God wants me to become teachable. There is no truth, except for what I think and my best thinking got me to feel the misery in my life, the suffering of my being. Am I searching for something that will never mine? Am I trying to live a life that I am not destined for? Is my perception of what I think is my suffering really real or is my reaction to situations of my life an illusion of what is not there?

It is in abstinence that I live on a moment to moment basis. Sometimes, I cannot handle any more than that. On days that I choose to run a muck, it is in abstinence that fear and dread of another day that it has become a commonplace occurrence. I am learning to live with fear as I am learning to live with myself. It is not an easy endeavor when selfishness and self-centered fear are at the root of my existence. God has blessed me with a gift. The unconditional love God gives me is undoubtedly something I have not asked for. I did not pray, wish or beg for God to love me – He just does. The thing I know now is I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing. Love is the only thing I will take with me when I pass into the other dimension.

I have been in an argument with God. It is not an easy thing to muster. I feel as if I have been reprimanded as a little child because I have not gotten my way. I feel victimized by the lack of acquisition of work (money) for financial independence rather than more importantly the right dependence upon God. As time passes, I find that the Twelve Steps helps me lose those fears. I can exist in the Light of God and cheerfully perform the next indicated step without worrying about tomorrow.

In the reality of my life, the girl I love with all my heart and I had a lover's quarrel. It was not that I was right or wrong, or that I blame her or my Higher Power for the events occurring in each other's lives, but that I wish to understand. It is not that want her (this can be used in the same situation with God) to do as I command, but that I find peace in my being and comfort knowing we are both safe and sound. Slowly, I have inched in motion circumstances opposite of what I used to do. The misfortunes I have felt I didn't deserve is even slower in resolving, yet each day I find the courage and grace to deal constructively with life and whatever feelings of fear remain. I know God is there. I know God loves me as I also know that the girl I love with all my heart loves me too.

I must write it all out, at any cost. Writing is thinking. It is more than living, for it is being conscious of living. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Serenity for me today is knowing this too shall pass as I know my reaction is keen to understanding my perceptions.

Things Have Gone To Pieces (Or Have They?)

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:00:00 +0000

. . . a recent spiritual experience.

I wish I could sing. I wish I could sing so I could cry myself to sleep. Alcohol did that for me in so many different ways, most often sending me into oblivion. I didn't care about anything or feel anything. I didn't care. Food on the other hand let me remain conscious as I was killing myself slowly. It was a slow and painful torture coming very close death. If I seem to be very dramatic, try not to forget that eating abstinently is playing Russian Roulette with a gun (my mind) with three bullets. Depending on the kind of day I have had, the feelings I might be having at the moment, what fears and insecurities I might be having could be a reason not to weigh and measure my food. I will use any excuse to eat compulsively.

Today, I decided to start over – not over in that I am at day one, but that I stop finagling with how I work my program. I try to get away with murder. The best I can do when I do my best thinking is manslaughter – I hurt myself and not anyone else. No one really cares about anyone else except themselves especially when it comes to food. I will fight for that last piece of scrap, that little piece of lettuce that fell off the plate. Being abstinent is not easy. Feelings, fears and people that annoy me can be a huge pain in my boney ass. If I look at my life it is full of complications, situations and people that I have attracted to my life. Sometimes, I wish it was different.

A very wise lady once said that everyone lies about the amount of food they eat, the object is to lie less everyday that one day one will not have to lie about it anymore. The amount or the degree of honesty is what I am working on today. I try to live a guilt-free life, have a conscious contact with a Higher Power and remain in state of vigilance that I am powerless over God, people, places and things. Lack of power is my dilemma. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I can't change what happened yesterday. I can only do today and today it is okay. I am alive, reasonably healthy (Thank You God!), have a place to put my head to sleep and food in the refrigerator (Thank You God, Again!) which I choose to weigh and measure. It is not easy, but one meal at a time, it can be done.

Not eating compulsively and living in sobriety are not easy things to do. Reality often hits hard and quick, finding a spiritual path in which I am able to handle my “feelings” and “thinking” in dealing with life's high and lows is something I am learning everyday. Some days are good and some days are bad, it all depends on my perception and attitude.

Country music to me is heartfelt music that speaks to the common man. It is about real life stories with rather simple melodies that the average person can follow. Country music should speak directly and simply about the highs and lows of life. Something that anyone can relate to. ~ George Jones

Today, I see that being powerless is not being helpless, but that I am empowered by a Higher Power.

A Soldier of God

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:00:00 +0000

It is not the messenger; it is the message . . .

Psychologist, Steven Hayes wrote, “Suffering is normal and it is the unusual person who learns how to create peace of mind.” I often wondered growing up what it would be like to go off to war, fight in a battle, come home unwounded, if not alive. The terrible tragedies played in my mind does not come no where near those who actually experienced the reality of war. I love watching war movies for that very reason. It leads my mind for me to believe that I am a faux warrior, a crusader against evil and a soldier for the weak.

The biggest battle I have is the battle I have with myself. As much as I like to believe that I am working a spiritual program; I also believe that I am a piece of crap, a fraud and not worthy of anything good in my life. Then there are the character defects, the hundred forms of fear, my relentless negative thinking and sometimes, the lack of a God consciousness. It is the lack of a conscious contact with a Higher Power during my difficult times I tend to forget that He exists all the time, and not only when life is good and carefree situations are abundant. The only time I remember God is when I want something or I need rescuing from from a severe situation.

Recently, I find myself in a code orange (high) in my personal security advisory system, which means I have a high risk of panic attacks of fear, despair and feelings of uncertainty. At this state, negative thinking runs rampant, emotions are that there is no hope or end in sight. God is no where to be found. I am all alone with my mind and I have no one to help me. Financial security is at a all time high alert. And I don't think this too shall pass.

The thing I realize today that no matter what I do, even if I am cussing up a storm or swearing at God, I am being taken care of by my Higher Power. God loves me no matter what I do or don't do. If I don't pray, He still loves me. If I do my self-will, God loves me. Also I realize there are people worse off then I am. I recently went to see a friend who is in the hospital because of a motorcycle accident. After I and the girl I love with all my heart had visited a short while, my friend decided he wanted to pray. I was humbled at seeing someone who had spent months in the hospital and go through what he had and still rely on a Power greater than himself. I have no reason to complain or murmur about anything. I am grateful for the life I have today.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. ~ M. Scott Peck

The deep sense of gratitude is knowing that this too shall pass and I can instantly come back around to it as I realize and adopt a new perception.

You Are To Me What I Am To You

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 19:00:00 +0000

Don't look back, you haven't seen anything yet . . .

We are blessed and fortunate to have one another to inspire each other. I often look back at the relationships I have held, to understand my place in them. It is not the relationships I seek to understand, but the events surrounding them. I have gone through life fighting battles, losing wars and continue on the campaign against the enemy – me. If it weren't for the people placed in my life, I don't know where I would be. In many instances, I believe I'd be dead. If it weren't for the messengers and the angels, life wouldn't be the grand life I lead today. I do not know what I did to receive such gifts throughout my lifetime but, I am grateful to God for them.

As I look on the idea, “Don't look back, you haven't seen anything yet . . .” I keep looking and reading, “you haven't seen anything yet . . .” And begin to wonder at the unknown. Fear immediately sets in; doubts begins to surface, negative thinking and questions rise to the forefront. What will happen if I do this? What about if that doesn't happen? How is it going to happen? And when? When will it be my turn? And countless other unanswered questions.

My negative thinking will kill me if I do not have the hope necessary to sustain my life. I hope against hope and continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it. I am hoping against hope for an attitude adjustment, a new pair of glasses for my perception and that I continue on my quest for spiritual progress. As I look at the people in my life, I see so many in more difficult situations with so many different problems. Yet as they struggle in life, they take the time to help me and others. The selflessness is inspiring.

What does this have to do with compulsive eating? Everything. I sit with my feelings of despair. I sit with my fears; with my negative thinking. As I sit – I do nothing, for doing nothing is doing something. I no matter what, do not eat compulsively! The thought of taking a drink (alcohol) is without a doubt not an option. Twenty-six years of sobriety – time has endeavored me to understand that I have only one day – that is only today. I cannot change the past nor control what is to happen in the future. I can only do today. And today, I choose not to make the supreme sacrifice – suicide. Just for today, it is not an option.

As I sit with myself, my perception is clouded by my lack of faith. It is my lack of faith that God will NOT, at the last minute, at the last second of that minute come through and take care of me. There is no reason why I should believe He won't be there when I need Him the most. But as I persevere from meal to meal, weighing and measuring, I find my life more intense than ever before. I am alive. I am learning to live with my feelings, my fears, my character defects, my negative thinking placing them in my side pocket. Then I look forward, searching for joy in my life, to be of service to God, to others and to myself. This is where I look to find God's Grace – freedom from pain and suffering.

Live out of your imagination, not your history. ~ Stephen Covey

As I learn to live without, I learn to live with myself. God only provides the best, I must learn how to choose.

From The Gutter To The Sidewalk

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:00:00 +0000

When walking through the forest, don't forget to smell the flowers.

It is very difficult to stop and smell the flowers when one is walking through the forest of life in fear. I cannot recall the first time I felt fear; but I can certainly remember the first time I was punished because of fear. I have also been ridiculed because of the hate and anger behind the punishment that was inflicted on me. It has taken me years, many years of resentment and anger at something that I did not have any business being there.

My parents didn't know shit about parenting – so the question I ask how could they have done the best that they could? Exactly, all bullshit! They did not and could not do the best they could because they too were also screwed by their own parents. Once my parents decided to join forces and produce offspring fear and responsibility must have set in paralyzing any good thought about doing something different.

I am the kind of person that like to analyze everything. It is my nature, my protection to safeguard my well-being. It began as a child finding ways to get away with murder. Eventually, everyone gets caught. Hence, my fear of getting caught which produces deception, denial and ego. Beginning with lying to myself, that I can push the envelope, walk along the edge of the cliff and not fall off is risking death and difficulties in life. I think I am untouchable. Denial another form of deception of oneself produces fabricated stories, lies that the story teller will undoubtedly believe as total truth. It is difficult to tell fantasy from reality.

The biggest part of my life is ego. It has nothing to do with God, but that I think I am God. It is very scary to think that I can stand up to the Almighty. I find myself thinking that I can do what I want to do and that I deserve this or that when in actuality nothing happens on my own will. It comes from a Higher Source. I cannot control God, what He does or when He does it. I am powerless over being powerless over God. And I do not like it one bit.

If acceptance is the key to all my problems, what am I opening the door to? I am still in the same situation. The only thing I can control is the food I put in my mouth. If I weigh and measure my food, I leave out all gray areas from any decision making I might need to obsess about. My life becomes indecisively better, not instantly, but better. The only thing I have to contend with is my negative thinking which is a large part of the disease of compulsive eating. I have a thinking problem. I am looking for a solution – a solution to live in God's Grace.

We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey. ~ Stephen Covey.

I must remain patient with myself as I continue on the path to enlightenment, which is God's Grace – freedom from pain and suffering.

Can't Understand Nothing ~ Totally

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 15:00:00 +0000

. . . true happiness is contentment with little or less.

My friend Don once said, “If you have more than a suitcase – you have too much stuff!” I recall driving here from Texas to go to art school with half the backseat and more than half of the trunk full of my stuff in the “boat” – an Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight. Since that time, I have accumulated tons of shit – crap that I really don't need. Now, I need a freakin' semi with a fifty-two foot trailer to move everything. When did I become so fuckin' materialistic? Sure, I have my toys – stuff, materials and equipment I use to make art with. But, I don't have any hobbies, except for what I have always wanted to do – make art. I am desperately trying to put my life in a place where I can do just that – make art.

But, there is a fuckin' person out there feeding a line of crap; causing all sorts of turmoil and headaches in my life. I really don't need it, yet this person keeps feeding a line of bullshit to a particular person in my life; who then comes to me bewildered, out of their mind. All I do and say to myself as the insanity insues, “What bug crawled up your ass?” It doesn't make sense. Whoever this person is thinks they are helping this particular person, when the only thing they are doing is fuckin' with their mind. In the end, this particular person ends up apologizing for everything. In the meantime, I have to put up with this shit!

People are crazy. I am spiritually and emotionally exhausted. I am tired of fighting. I am worn out from all the bullshit people talk and listen to. I try to remain patient, open-minded (non-judgmental) and willing to let things go. But, it is very hard to be upbeat when the same crap keeps coming back time and time again. Then after all the fighting, I battle my own demons, my own weaknesses and fears that keep resurfacing. Yet, I keep looking. I keep looking for something that will fix it. All I want is peace of mind, peace in my life – to be left alone; to have some success and live my life without having to struggle on a minute to minute basis. Is that too much to ask?

At this very moment I want to run away. Eating compulsively is not an option; as well as taking a drink of alcohol is also not an option. “There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight.” The Doctor's Opinion. AA Big Book. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of struggling day to day fighting to crawl an inch, to get the tiniest morsel of success in my life. I feel like crawling underneath a rock to lay down and die. Thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind. It is not that I am crazy. I am just tired of dealing with life, with people and with my mind – fears and negative thinking. Perhaps, the only thing I want is to be left alone with myself so I may regenerate, get the spirit of living back into my being. I want a break in life. To have some success and not have life be one step forward and two steps back.

Am I complaining, murmuring? I am NOT. I am just tired of the way I feel. Thank You God for all that You have given me – the blessings, the successes and the failures. For there is always something I can learn from them.

We are always in the presence of God . . . There is never a nonsacred moment! His presence never diminishes. Our awareness of his presence may falter, but the reality of His presence never changes.

As I let myself be in the presence of my Higher Power, I am surrounded by His protection and love; only if I surrender with complete abandon.

A Fling With My Wife ~

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 06:30:00 +0000

Why is it important to accept the things you do not like?

There are presently three or four people I just fuckin' do not like – I do not care if they live or die just as long as they leave me alone. It is when they fuck with me and the people I care about that swells my anger into a volcano ready to explode. At this very moment, my feelings are dormant, but are bubbling and building up pressure. This has been going on for a very long time. The fact I know “anger” and I know “hate” and I can feel “evil” is that I am able to think about it serenely, and how I communicate it reinforces my humanity and spiritual power. It makes me aware of how strong and powerful my God is in my life.

By accepting this aspect of my being in my life, it has allowed me the simple meaning of serenity. The gift, I am ready and willing to accept what God permits to happen to me is knowing I am not in control of what other people do – only my reaction. With the gift of courage, the action I take is to do nothing. To do nothing is to do something. The wisdom I have attained is they are only hurting themselves. It is in my personal relationship with the girl I love with all my heart I act with spiritual intelligence – competence and with love or as it has been expressed, with compassion to those who are against the love we have for each other.

They waste their time in anger, resentment and in making phone calls to me not saying a word. They are cowards – envious of their mother; her former partner jealous and resentful of losing such a beautiful specimen of a human being. Their only need is for materialism unaware of the needs of others – selfishness and self-centered need to demand the love they lost. I have come to believe that the value and dignity I have in my life is that I accept the people I do not like. For I am reminded of my departed friend, who once said, “Even the bad things in life are totally necessary – for they make the good things that much better!”

How fortunate I am to have found “LOVE” and to be able to love again. I have worked hard at my spirituality. I am in awe and amazed the amount of acceptance in my life. The God of my understanding has humbled me into submission – I am surrendered. I cannot control what happens tomorrow, the day after that or any other time in the future. I can only do what I can only do today. The action I take is that I ask God to bless the people who I fuckin' don't like with peace and love in their hearts so they may love as much as they may hate themselves.

As for myself, I praise God for all the blessings in my life, my surrender to know that He is Almighty – that I can take action to change the things I can for the good of myself and those I love. It is this that I have to share, and it grows when I accept and take action by focusing on the fling I am having with my wife – my future wife and not on those who are against it.

I am in love – and, my God, it is the greatest thing that can happen to a man. I tell you, find a woman you can fall in love with. Do it. Let yourself fall in love. If you have not done so already, you are wasting your life. ~ D.H. Lawrence

As I let other people be – I let myself be in the crux of living in acceptance and in action.

Last Time Ever!

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 03:30:00 +0000

Spiritual means dealing with the mind's activity.

Yellow Mustard and White Bread. I recall eating this for breakfast, lunch and dinner for days, maybe a week or more. There was nothing else to eat, even the cockroaches might have been starving and might not have cared for it either. What I don't remember is if I was grateful to God that I had something to eat. As a youngster thinking about God or where my next meal was to come from was not at the top of my list. Perhaps, I complained to my mother that I was tired of eating the same crap day in and day out. She would say the same shit – that it was all we had and if I didn't want it, not to eat it. She was not much for sympathy or of any consolation since she was a stay at home parent.

Air Popped Popcorn. The next time I didn't have anything else to eat was when I was in college. I ran out of money and any money that was to come in was days away. There wasn't any salt or butter since I probably drank whatever little money I had away.

Most of my life it has either been feast or famine. I was by no means skin and bones, but one would think I would save some money for a rainy day. Days of storms came and went, most were dust storms, dry and hot with nothing to quench the thirst for life. Yet, I was never afraid. I was never in fear that I would die hungry or alone.

Perhaps, it is the stupidity of youth that made me so dumb and afraid. Subconsciously, I began to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat some more. I didn't know there was more than enough for tomorrow. Presently, it is a battle to quit something, to quit an obsessive behavior. I keep saying to myself, “Today, I will quit . . . !” But, I still continue doing the same behavior. Then, I say to myself, “This is the last time ever I will do this or that . . . !” And yet, it continues.

My disease is relentless. It never quits. My mind never quits. My negative thinking, my fucking emotions are on high alert with fear – fear of not getting what I want and losing what I have.

It is not until recently, that I have been beaten into a humbled submission – a surrender that I have never experienced before. God is in my life, in my being and in my soul. I do not mean to sound like a “born-again” but I was never alive to begin with. Today, I went to a job interview. The outcome of my mental state is a miracle. I do not care what happens. If God wants me to have a job, He will give me the job. I have only to do the footwork and leave the results to Him. The freedom from my mind, from the negative thinking is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I am free! I praise God for all the blessing He has bestowed upon me. Thank You God!

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love. ~ George Eliot

I must live with fear and learn to carry it in my side pocket so I may be able to find joy in life.

White Elephant Gift

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 07:00:00 +0000

What I am is God's gift to me; what I make of myself is my gift to God.

I wonder about myself – sometimes. Almost everyday, I am okay and can live with myself. The rest of the time I'm tolerant of who I am by how I feel on that given day. Most days I exist. I live in the moment by not having the awareness of how bad I feel toward myself. Words like disgust, self-hatred, self-pity, anger and “I feel fat” are just a few emotional words I think about myself. If I look at myself in the mirror, it gets even worse. No one (people who should love you – like parents, relatives) ever told me I was anything (endearment) except that I was a piece of shit or I was worth nothing.

To me, I am a major miracle. I haven't killed myself. I came close – eating myself to 417 plus pounds. But, I still hate myself. I am not perfect. I can't seem to lose the last 62 pounds or find a job that will validate my existence as an artist and human being. I look to outside sources for my self-esteem. God? I feel God is not helping me. I feel (there is that word again – twice) that He is just letting me wander around like the People of Israel during the time Moses, when he was leading them to the promise land. They wandered around the desert for forty years all because they murmured.

I am trying to find my way out – from negative thinking. It is a large part of the disease of compulsive eating. I can't help myself that I think badly about me. Losing 155 pounds, I feel a little better about myself, but not much! But, I believe God gives me what I need when I need it the most. His gift to me is the girl I love with all my heart. I do not know what I would do without her, she brings me so much joy in life. It is an amazing gift when the feelings despair are so much more powerful not knowing what the unknown will bring – she inspires me bringing me hope.

I am in a very emotional state as I write this. Perhaps, it is my powerlessness or the fact that I admitted complete defeat. I have nothing to lose – except for life. I am almost at the brink of losing everything in my life and it does not matter to me. I just want a break, a chance to do something without having it be a struggle. I attended a meeting tonight. The speaker leading the meeting spoke about suicide. I have been feeling that could be an option. But, where is my faith in God? Why do I feel so depressed, sad and lonely? Most of it has to do with my lack of power, my powerlessness to control God and the things I want from Him. Maybe the process I am going through is that I am grieving, a part of being humbled into submission – to totally surrender.

I feel as if I am at fault for the way my life turned out. I am the one that allowed these things to happen. I took part in them. Yet, I am grateful for everything God has given me – my abstinence, my sobriety, the capacity to be able to love again – the girl I love with all my heart. I shouldn't be complaining, but, it's hard not to when negative thinking doesn't say where the next dollar is coming from.

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “Thank You”? ~ William Arthur Ward

I am may not be worth much to anyone including myself, but I am all I got and that is enough for today.

To the girl I love with all my heart - Happy Anniversary! Five wonderful and beautiful months of Love - September 4, 2009 - Thank You God!

Problem Child

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:00:00 +0000

Who we are is exactly what God wants us to be.

Oh Shit! Who am I? Am I the diseases of compulsive eating and alcoholism? They do seem to rule my life in that they manifest themselves in the three areas of my life – physical, mental and spiritual. Character defects, obsessive behaviors, negative thoughts contribute to the person I am right now. When I look back at my life, I see the many different changes in physical weight loss, mental attitude and spiritual adjustment. But, who I am right now, at this very moment?

I am a child of God. I try not to be “me” most of the time. Self-hatred is a demon I must constantly battle. It tells me all sorts of unkind words, then negative thinking, its brother begins to chime in. Where is God in all this? I don't know. I am riddled with many types of spiritual cancers that the voice of God is not heard. Or is it that I refuse to listen? I ask myself, how did I get here?

If I am to point the finger, it has to be at myself. I took on the responsibility of accepting crap people dished out. Beginning with my parents, then everyone else who stood in line to give me their perception of love. When did it start to suck big time? It must have been at a very early age when I knew I was not in control – not being in control of my life. Then selfishness and self-centeredness became major players contributing to my ego. I really dislike the definition people give to the word “ego” - Edging God Out. If you are like me, God was never in the picture. I had kicked His Almighty Ass out a very long time ago, especially when as a child, my own mother beat me senseless that it took hours for me to get up and crawl around. I decided at that very moment, she was no longer my mother (I began calling her by her first name) and God – God who? My point exactly!

The many battles God and I have had are as many war campaigns during World War I and II. I am stubborn as a mule and as dumb as a donkey, I am unable to learn that God is the Almighty and I am just a speck of shit dust. I have learned something though. God still loves me! He forgives me for all the bad shit I have said and done against Him. The problem is not God, it is “me”, I am the problem!

The realization I have today is that I know better. I can stop! I can stop the behavior causing me pain, discomfort and harm. I have been humbled into submission. I must surrender! I surrender! I surrender! And I surrender! In the past, I have looked at outside sources – food, alcohol, people, places and things to fill the hole in my gut (being); when the only thing I needed was God. Yet, I have hard to time learning to let go, to love myself and let myself be. Nothing in life happens by mistake or coincidence. It is my perception and lack of acceptance – my need to be control that causes me to have the biggest spiritual heartache.

“Each prayer is more beautiful than the others. I cannot recite them all and not knowing which to choose, I do like children who do not know how to read, I say very simply to God what I wish to say, without composing beautiful sentences, and He always understands me. For me, prayer is an aspiration of the heart, it is a simple glance directed to heaven, it is something great, supernatural, which expands my soul and unites me to Jesus.” ~ Therese of Lisieux

Surrender is not only an act of humility, but of love and kindness to oneself from God.

The Power Within You

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:00:00 +0000

It isn't praying to God but working the God in your life that works.

God bless all those who struggle! In Alcoholics Anonymous, I was taught to stick with the winners. While I have worked with some hardcore cases, there is nothing more terrifying, a more arduous endeavor, a most humbling experience than to work with another compulsive eater who “wants” to recover. There are people who “need it” and people who “want it”. And then there are those who just fuckin' – “do it”. Those are the people I love to work with because they are the ones who will hold on to a life preserver for dear life. This program has saved my life. I am grateful to the Almighty God for having saved my boney ass!

I work and am friends with a few people who “do” this program. They will remain nameless. And if I am asked, “Is it me?” I will deny everything. I just know what I have to do to stay abstinent. This bring me to a person who reminds me a lot of . . . me! It is scary because I can see myself in this person. I will find a fuckin' loophole in a loophole! I will use any excuse not to look at myself. I will find fault in every person, place or thing – except myself. I will point the finger and say it works for everyone else except for the most important person – me! This person, like myself is so full of self that it is too gawd damn frightening. Where is God in all this? I don't know.

This person comes to meetings late – leaves early; does as little as possible. Probably does not even have a service commitment. Complains about not getting the love from family and friends. Though abstinent and sober “feels” bad about being a couch potato watching a film for a couple of hours. Avoids doing any work. Played poker in the morning, then in the evening. Comes home to family. Complains about not getting the deserved love or attention. Is not happy to be here, there or anywhere. Is tired of the food. Although grateful to have lost some weight and the clothes “feel” better, is tired of eating fuckin' rabbit food. And finally asks, what do I do? Then answers with, I just do it whether I want to or not!

This person is a winner! No matter if their ass falls off they will persevere to stay abstinent. Life might be shitty, stinky and gawd darn chunky – but, it is life. Eating compulsively never ever helps with anything – at all. Now, the thing I have learned is the same path I took in AA. I must look at myself, obtain a new attitude about everything in my life. Adopt an entire psychic change or otherwise there is very little hope of recovery. To stop eating compulsively is only the beginning. Everything else must follow suit. Stay abstinent for the long haul. Weight loss is only a small reward. Spiritual recovery is where life begins and getting to know yourself is also getting to know God.

"People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering." ~ St. Augustine

If I look inside myself, I will see God. By the actions I take – God is always there.

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings!

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:30:00 +0000

Spirituality is an act, rather than an emotion.

I have based my life on how I feel. How am I feeling today? Is it going to be a good day or a bad one? It is rare that I get up on the wrong side of the bed, when I do, I have dreams forecasting that my day is going to turn into shits. Then I try to deal with it as best as I can knowing there is a storm happening.

Knowing that my day is not going to be a good one is unavoidable; I am unable to change the coarse of the day. My life and how the day is to turn out has been destined. I can only change my reaction to the events occurring and to the people involved. This ability has proved to be useful. It is days like these I maintain a constant vigilance over my awareness of how I am to react and whether I allow other people to dictate my reaction.

This brings to mind the Serenity Prayer. As I have heard in a meeting, serenity is what you attain during a storm – not after. It is very difficult to assess the damage one can do if one does not maintain a conscious awareness of emotions. Having a gun trigger reaction to situations can prove dangerous and deadly. Alcoholism brought about many disagreements, fights, resentments and unknown activities in blackouts. Compulsive eating on the other hand brings to the table self-hatred, disgust, anger, negative thinking, resentments and a slow death in a multitude of ailments.

In both diseases, I found myself in oblivion from sugar. Since alcohol turns into sugar and my obsession with sugar-filled items brought me much more quicker to not feeling my feelings, I now enjoy feeling the feelings. I am fucked! I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to think about anything – especially my problems. But, I am grateful for my problems. Even though, I love my problems and do not desire or wish to have anyone else's – I want to check out.

I jump from obsession to obsession. First, I had to quit eating compulsively. Second, I gave up salt – and when it rains, it pours. Third, my favorite thing I looked forward at breakfast – slice of Ezekiel bread (grains). Fourth, the white powder that came in a yellow packet. Fifth, steamed milk with coffee from my favorite convenience store. All these I have had to surrender after I gave up drinking over twenty-six years ago. I ask myself, “What other obsessive thing (behavior) am I going to acquire?”

The thing I do today is that I don't pay much attention to my feelings. Just look at the fears I have in my daily life, most of them are not real. And my obsessions, I am aware of everything I do. I just do not want to have to give up something else.

Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. ~ Aldous Huxley

I believe feelings are just that – feelings! This too shall pass!

God is Great, Food is Good and People Are Crazy!

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 06:00:00 +0000

Spiritual experience is only available with spiritual action.

I have been going through an emotional wringer. The painful experience I have been going through lately is one of total and complete powerlessness. I have done everything humanly possible to reach my goal, to make a better life for myself and for those I care and love. I have been forced to become willing. I have no choice. It is either life or death. My spiritual growth lately looks about as enticing as a six foot deep grave. Neither is pretty or a joy to venture into.

I know I am powerless, yet life keeps throwing punches at me. I want it to stop! I have been beaten into submission. I surrender! I surrender! I surrender! Yet, shit still hits the fan. I still pick myself up and dust myself off. I take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other and move forward. It is fuckin' hard! Alcoholism, compulsive eating and any other addictive behaviors will not make my life easier or any more bearable. If life is testing me, I just want to pass!

Action is the magic word! Spiritual action has been slow and tedious. I am abstinent in regards to my food obsession. I pray before almost every meal. I thank God for the blessing in my life, the love He has given me and patience to live in the moment. I never used to pray before a meal. It is one of the major changes in this abstinence. Negative thinking still lingers in my mind like a bad odor permeating every emotion. It causes my fears to escalate to higher proportions. Fear has kicked my ass! The devil looks down upon me like a referee wondering if I am going to get up or give up and die! God and all the Angels, the Saints, and all the good Spirits of Heaven and Earth cheer me on to get up and fight – to fight again, and again, and again!

I battle my mind, my food obsession and alcoholism, my defiance and rebelliousness and all my character defects. I am tired. I am tired of being tired. I tired of being sick, spiritually sick. I have been humbled into submission and surrender. I don't know what else to do. I pray. I meditate when I remember and when I have the time. If I am not obsessing about whatever, be it food, money, my problems – I pray for a job. But am I really listening to the voice of God? I am abstinent; I am sober, they are the only things I have at this very moment. I am grateful for my health. I ask for your prayers, your good thoughts that whatever God's will it is for me – that I find it . . . soon!

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death.” ~ Robert Fulghum

I believe God, the blessings He bestows upon me is the love I have onto myself!

Thriller - A Chilling Tale Of The Unknown

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 22:45:00 +0000

The key to change ... is to let go of fear. ~ Rosanne Cash

As a writer looking for ideas; they are sometimes difficult to come by. Ideas come and go but no idea is satisfying until something clicks. I know I wanted to write about change. The reason is I have made a big change in my recovery. It has not been easy getting to this point in my life in recovery. Yet, I wish to talk about something that is embedded deep within my soul, something I must look at in the inner sanctum of my heart and spirit. So I went on a search. I went looking for something that I could relate to, something that I felt I could have a deep connection, something that I have lived with all my life, yet it is another demon in my being, something that I must fight daily, sometimes even minute by minute. It is fear.

The disease of compulsive eating, at least for me manifests itself in fear. It is the reason I ate myself to oblivion and close to death. Fear is something I must walk through sometimes clutching to the armrests of life hoping the bogeyman does not catch up with me. Yet, the shadows that lurks behind me are the demons of my past. They are many and as I begin to identify them, they show themselves as character defects – something I must look at.

So I went online looking for an idea, then something popped in my head. It was something I briefly mentioned in last my blog post. The word was “thriller” and I decided to Google it. The search results came up with Michael Jackson's Thriller. I made the decision to click on the lyrics for the song. What I read I could instantly relate to.

Growing up as a child, I remember lying in bed unable to sleep. I tried hard not to, hoping whatever was lurking in the dark not catch up to me and devour my soul. I was afraid of the demons and Satan my parents talked about in their religion. I would eventually get so exhausted I would pass out and wake up the next day to my life.

The disease of compulsive eating and food kept me from screaming. The terror in my life paralyzed my spirit of living and before I could make a life of my own, I began sleeping with the lights on. Fear grew and grew, and to this very day I still live in fear. I realize there is nowhere to run.

At this very moment, I am cognizant I am a fear addict. Just as I must live with the disease of compulsive eating and alcoholism, I must live with fear. I know what it is and what it is not – the real and the unreal – the unknown. For this reason, I accept change in my life beginning with I have been writing. I have been writing mostly about my problems with fear, compulsive eating and alcoholism. I decided to switch venues – from the problem to the solution. Since I believe it is “spiritual progress and not spiritual perfection” rather than “progress not perfection”; I am making a few changes in this blog.

First, the quote I have grown to love and use in my writing will be moved down to the bottom of the blog. In its place will be a question from the booklet, “Reflections on Spirituality with Came to Believe”. The emphasis on my writing will be on the question, which I believe will help me in my spirituality. Second, the items on the bottom, the praise for God and the things I am grateful for will become a daily prayer. Third, will be a meditative thought for the day.

Lastly, will be the identification on my profile – the inclusion of “Fear Addict” since I love to wallow in fear and live with the terror of my emotions and my mind, it is only fitting that I accept to my inner most self that I am afraid and live fear of the unknown. And when I can accept that, then I am able to change.

I praise God for the courage to change!

I am grateful to God for the wisdom to know the difference!

Wanting To Crawl Underneath A Rock And Die

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 04:30:00 +0000

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. ~ Groucho Marx

Thinking outside the box is like asking me to move out from my beautifully decorated rut. I do not like change. Probably the best way for me to change is if I am forced and literally tortured into it. It will never happen automatically. Pain is a great motivator. The battle between God and myself is futile and hopeless, yet I still continue beating my head against the wall as if I will win at arm wrestling with the Almighty! I keep trying no matter the consequences or the pain I inflict on myself. Sometimes I walk around looking depressed, but I am not really depressed. It's more of a zombie type of existence in a life that I ask myself; why am I here? Why am I alive? Is this life worth living?

Lately, I have been walking around with a huge weight on my shoulders. The weight is what is going to happen to me in the future, the unknown. It is a huge, immense amount of fear. Fear that I am going to fail; that God is not going to do what I cannot do for myself. This weight is also triggered by time, the lack of patience in waiting for God to do what I ask Him to do – to give me what I want. And do you think He does that? Hell NO! Well, I should take that back! He does it when it suits Him and not me! So, yes and no. This is the thing that pisses me off, why? Why doesn't He just do it my way and be done with it instead of letting me suffer? (I really don't suffer, I just think I do!)

I have been reading the Bible lately, and it depresses me immensely. Not that it is a mystery thriller with a happy ending. Nope; it kind of sucks big time because I know how the story ends. I might as well kiss my ass good-bye right now and call it quits. Which bring up a thought, or a joke that I have heard in the past – Why do flight attendants tell you to put your head in between your knees when there is going to be an emergency landing? Answer: So you can kiss your ass good-bye as you crash! (LOL!) It might not be funny, but it sure beats crying my eyes out, which I have been doing a lot lately. They say crying makes you live longer! My life is not pretty at the moment, because I tend to live in the negative. I don't look at a glass being half full or half empty – the damn thing (glass) is broken. My thinking is broken. I just hope that God forgives me for my negative thinking. Hopefully, He knows I am trying really hard to get well and not be so pessimistic.

Right now, as I write this, I feel OK. I feel alright with the world. I am going over to see the girl I love with all my heart. I am grateful to the Almighty for the love He has given us and for the love we have for each other. It is everything else in my life that I want fixed – perfected to my satisfaction. But speaking for myself, I avoided doing something in my life that I had an immense amount of fear of doing. It was a virus, a plague my mind until today. I had enough courage and will to do exactly what God wanted me to do and I finally did it!

I praise God for the courage for me to succeed!

I am grateful to God for the love I have today!

Learning To Live With Self

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 19:53:00 +0000

Forgiveness is . . . accepting God's sovereign use of people and situations to strip you of self importance, and humiliate your self love. ~ Martha Kilpatrick

Aside from the fact that I am judgmental, I look at others people shortcomings and find myself on the firing line of life. The character defects I despise in other people is the thing I hate in myself. Change comes slowly just as when I was eating myself to death, one spoonful at a time. But, death never came and today I am faced with the demon that lives within me. It is the part of me that is afraid of everything, the unknown, losing the things I have and not getting the things I want. Though relief of my problems and fears through the use of sugar, white flour and other addictive substances makes it so tempting and enticing; sometimes thoughts enter my mind to go out and eat compulsively to oblivion.

Presently, I face so many fears, it is mind-boggling to think I am afraid even of my own shadow. The past continues to haunt me, that I am one bite away to being 417 pounds again. The demon, the disease of compulsive eating resides inside my soul seeks to destroy everything. The only thing saving my ass is my belief in God. To this day, I really don't understand God and my own concept of my Higher Power. I search for God in my every thought, but seems to disappear when the demon inside of me shows up with fear and self-hatred.

Because of self-hatred, my fears are so overwhelmingly powerful that my trust in God, the belief that He will carry me through life and provide all the necessary things I need is questioned. It is like I heard in a meeting once, “I trust God, but let me figure it out for myself!” Lack of power is my dilemma. I want to desperately be in control of my life and all the events that occur in it, but I know deep inside that I am powerless over people, places and things.

Eating compulsively is not the answer, nor are other addictive behaviors that manifest in my life. I am addicted to fear! I wallow in it as it bathes my entire being. It uses negative thinking, my lack of trust in God, the hopelessness of the disease, my defiance in weighing and measuring, my rebelliousness to change to face the unknown. My program remains idle as the weight loss maintains. I am not happy. I am not happy in that I am standing in my own way to success. What am I scared and afraid of? I am afraid of appearing or looking like a loser in life. I am scared of the unknown and the variables of all the things that can possibly happen. My negative thinking keeps me paralyzed because I will not do the next indicated step. I am afraid to be rejected by God! Not realizing that I am the one rejecting myself.

I praise God for the people in my life who encourage me to succeed!

I thank God for the blessings I receive today!

“WHY NOW?”

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 21:00:00 +0000

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Chicken Shit!” Those are the two words I am using to describe the coward, the “anonymous” person who made a comment on my post! It is “shit” like this that I live for and love to get involved in. I love it! My character defects come out blaring in full force with this kind of crap. There is nothing more awesome than the power of God, especially when I feel I have been attacked. It becomes that much more fun and exciting for me! And when “cowards” like the “anonymous” person pick on someone like me; I feel really, really sorry for them!

It is your “anonymous” comment that you left (which by the way, I have posted) that instigated the fighting side of me. RULE NUMBER ONE: “Never ever wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig likes it!” And I am the “pig” in this brawl and I love to get dirty! If you thought that I didn't have the guts to post your “anonymous” comment, you “coward” underestimated me. The fact is I will enjoy dragging you through the fuckin' mud!

[The Daily Pitch] New comment on Reason 50; This Too Shall Pass.

“Anonymous” has left a new comment on your post "Reason 50; This Too Shall Pass":

You speak about honesty and spirituality, yet you skew events to suit yourself. I know "your boss" and the incidence you blog about and she doesn't deserve your censure. She has done nothing but support you over the past 6 years and this is how you repay her? I noticed how you don't mention why she was angry about your constant phone calls. Maybe the frequent beeping in the middle of the night from your phone waking her might be one of the reasons. You should look to your higher power for redemption for your lack of appreciation for all that she has given you emotionally, financially, and physically. As her friend, I feel it necessary to stand up for her. I imagine you won't have the guts to leave this comment on your blog, but no matter.

The thing I don't understand now is “WHY NOW?” You posted your comment at 10:09 pm. (Pacific Time) on August 9, 2009 and I wrote my post on May 12, 2009 at 4:00 pm. (Pacific Time) why did you take such a long time to respond? I guess it really doesn't matter – Chicken Shit!

I will now begin to address your comment. I don't “skew” shit! As an artist and writer, I write about what I know and how I see the world. Obviously you have a problem, get your own blog and write about me. This blog is about me and how I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless disease. I have done very well with the help of my Higher Power! I have, thus far lost 138 pounds in this abstinence and 155 pounds from my top weight (the scale stopped weighing at that weight). I am sure I gained much more than that. I went from a very tight size 58 inch waist pants to a 36 inch; from a 4X and 5X t-shirt to a large (L) in 1 day, 2 weeks, 2 months and 1 year. My “spiritual” side says: God is AWESOME and He is doing for me what I cannot do for myself! So honestly speaking, you my “anonymous” person need to go out, get a loaf of bread; eat the whole damn thing in order to kill the fuckin' bug that crawled up your fuckin' ass! I know it sounds petty, but this is me and this is how I “feel.” I don't care what you or anyone else thinks about me.

If you know “my boss” then you must understand that she is a big girl and she can take care of herself. She probably did not mention to you that I credit her with saving my life. Yes, she did! She saved my life at a time when I know for a fact that God put her in my life for that reason (one of many). She is also the reason that I am grateful to my Higher Power – she got me into graduate school by filling out the entrance application online. It was a time of my life I was depressed and barely had started on eating myself to death. She is my “Angel” when I had no one and no where else to turn. You are right, she does not deserve censure; but she is the one who asked me not to “write” or “blog” about her or make any reference to her. I am going against her wishes, which is (defiance) another character defect of mine. I will use anything and anyone to win at all costs! So yes, I did speak ill of her, but in this post I have the highest respect and admiration for her as a person and friend. By the way my “anonymous” person, you may consider attending Al-Anon meetings so you may learn how to mind your own fuckin' business! Maybe one of these days, I will see you there!

… this is how I repay her? I didn't know I had to pay for the “service” and yes, you are right she has done nothing but support me. But, it is also two way street where I also supported (among other things) her in adopting and caring for the two children she always dreamed of having and wanting all her life. What is it that you my “anonymous” person want from me? I think you should get a life. I know that “my boss” has a handful of friends. I will most likely figure out who the fuck you are and when I do; hopefully you will have to courage to face me. I will tell you to your face the exact same things I am writing here!

The reason I did not mention why she was angry is because we worked it out. I have moved on with my life as she has. She is now dating which is a very good thing! (You must be alone – lonely that you need to do this?) She is taking care of herself more so now than ever, which I think I have been a very good example. The frequent beeping in the middle of the night were the phone calls and text messages from the girl I love with all my heart! My “boss” and I are now working toward the common good of our relationship which is to be friends and for the welfare of the children. You, my “anonymous” person have nothing which brings up the next point in your comment.

You say I should look to God for redemption for lack of appreciation? Sweetheart, I have already been to “hell” and back – twice! With twenty-six years of sobriety, I have paid my dues and then some. Now with over a year of abstinence and still continuing to lose weight, perhaps, it is you my “anonymous” person that needs a program – like Al-Anon (hint, hint). If there is anything, anything that I can do for or give to “my boss” I would do it in an instant, including “giving up” all my crap. I don't need it! I don't want it! This is a situation that will probably be more like my divorce – I will walk away with “only” my Saints. Anything else, I don't care! If I have more than a suitcase full – I have too much stuff!

You, “my anonymous” person should not call yourself “friend” to anyone because you are not even a “friend” to yourself. I dare you, I taunt you, I want you to stop being the “chicken shit” you are and reveal yourself. If you (feelings are just that – feelings) “feel” it necessary to stand up for “my boss” then you are a bigger coward than I think you are because it is comments like yours that makes me a better man. You shouldn't pay attention to your feelings! I imagine you won't have the guts to reveal yourself, but it doesn't matter. Go do whatever addictive behavior you participate in – like meddling in other people's business – I don't need your shit! Lastly, I will not need to say or do anything else. God, in His Infinite Wisdom will take care of you in His time – not mine. I wash my hands of you and your fucking comment.

I will leave you with this: “God bless you and kiss my boney ass!” How is that for “honesty” and being “spiritual”???

Thank You God for the cowards in life who show others You have a plan; that anything is possible with Your help!

Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!

Case In Point: “Love Is A Decision – Not An Emotion”

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:00:00 +0000

Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing. ~ Anthony Robbins

I recently was told that I pissed off God. It is the reason why I am stuck where I am today – in my life. I stopped complaining about everything. It is of no use to complain about something I cannot do anything about. Instead I decided to praise God for everything in my life – including all the seemingly bad things: my negative thinking and my profanity.

My act of defiance (anger, cussing, swearing against God) is not something I am proud of; but it was a necessary act for me to humble myself to a new surrender. This new surrender, a solution I have been working on for months has brought me to a new level of awareness. It is a path I avoid taking because of the fear of the unknown. The fear is the pain I will feel once I make the decision to walk through the unknown (whatever that may be) in the upcoming months, especially in September.

My act of anger, resentment and hatred against God is that I was in a very dissatisfying relationship with Him. God was not doing what I wanted Him to do thereby causing my defiance. I was only hurting myself. It is as when a child throws a temper tantrum, the only person hurting is the person throwing the tantrum. God was watching me (probably laughing) until I settled down and could move on. God was being God. I was the one causing my own hurt, pain and anger because the things I want are not coming to fruition.

Where do I stand today? I am humbled, at peace with myself. I am calm and serene knowing that my Almight God loves me today, tomorrow and forever! He has always LOVED me as He has done in the past. God is Love! It is forever and continues beyond the eternity of what mankind and I think. God is all things, the beginning and the end. There is nothing else except God. Thereby, my belief in my Higher Power is much more stronger and powerful because of me throwing a “hissy fit” and experiencing a newer surrender.

The thing I realize today I am powerless over people, places, things and how my mind thinks God is not doing what He is supposed to, “as a result” my life had become unmanageable. My life will continue to unfold however way it is supposed to unfold, therefore the pain I am experiencing at this very moment is greater than the pain I am to experience in the future. I am totally powerless and everything about me is unmanageable!

Therefore, love is a decision – not an emotion in that I allow God into my life. He rules accordingly to the perception I have of my life. If I try to control how my life is to unfold, then I will be faced with frustration. If I do what is in front of me and leave the results business to God then I have a good chance it will be a good life.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!

Thank You God for Your Love!

Number ONE (1) Reason: Why I Hate Being Fat; Step One – Admitting Powerlessness

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 02:00:00 +0000

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!

When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better. ~ Unknown

I am powerless! I am powerless over people, places and things – including God and my belief in Him. I am powerless over what I think, the fears I have, the lack of control in my life, how everything in my life is unmanageable and that I have to admit to my innermost self that I am powerless over those things!

I recently realized that I am powerless over God. Everything I wanted Him to do, He has not done! I prayed that the rest of my weight be taken off immediately. I think He has been ROTFLHAO – rolling on the floor laughing His ass off! It is not funny when it is happening to you! The other thing is His lack of enthusiasm for producing results in my life – I think He just doesn't give a fuck about what I want!

The problem is: I think! I think too much! That is not my main problem, but that I think at all! I wish I could lose my mind. It is my negative thinking and the ill feelings I get from them that cause me all my problems. I react to what my mind thinks and I shouldn't be held accountable. This brings me to my case in point. Recently the girl I love with all my heart stated to me that I should not be cursing, swearing or be screaming at God. I asked and stated, “Why not? It brings me that much more closer for me to surrender!”

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over (people, places and things) alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. It is “–that” when we admit our lives had become unmanageable we make the decision to surrender. I admit I am powerless over my thoughts, my trying to control God and the results I want from Him – that my life (mind) is unmanageable!

What am I to do now? Living in fear is not an option, therefore eating compulsively is out of the question. I must learn how live with my feelings, voice my thoughts – feelings that come from those thoughts and hopefully diminish their power. I must rely on a Power greater than myself to hopefully save my boney ass. Nothing is so small that my negative thinking cannot blow out out of proportion!

I will (love) make art and have no fear!

Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my SURRENDER!

Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 2; Step Two – Could Restore Me To Sanity – God Has A Plan!

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 22:00:00 +0000

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~ Mother Teresa

I love God, but sometimes He pisses me off so bad that I yell and scream profanities at Him. I am glad God has a sense of humor that He just blows me off (ignores me). I am also happy that He doesn't pay any attention to me when I am depressed, angry and when I want to control my life. Although sometimes I wonder about God and His Infinite Wisdom in regards to how long He takes in getting things done and deliver the things I ask for. I ask, “What the hell is He doing up there?” and “Why is He not taking care of my business down here?”

I also love Mother Teresa, she is an inspiration and someone I aspire to. She once was quoted as saying: “He who is closest to death is closest to God!” I do not want to be that close or anywhere in the immediate vicinity! Which is why the next quote is very appropriate and makes everything I question about what God is not doing a moot point. Don't question God, for He may reply: “If you're so anxious for answers, come up here.” ~ Author Unknown

I decided to let things be. I also realize that all my fears, worries, frustrations and anxiousness in regards to how my life unfolds is none of my business. I have no control of what happens to me tomorrow, the next day or next week, next month or next year. There is nothing I can do except live for today and do the things in front of me!

I must also realize that the only power I have is an empowerment from a Higher Power. Lack of power was my dilemma – I have none, zero, zilch, nada! I do not know what the hell was going on with me recently, but I was insane. I thought if I believed in a Higher Power that He “would” instantly restore me to sanity. That is not the case. Step Two states that a Power greater than myself “could” restore me to sanity. It has not been decided yet! I realize it is not up to me to decide how and when I am to be restored to sanity. I believe I have to align my will to the will of God, then maybe, just maybe will I have a chance. God only knows.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!

Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for Your Infinite Wisdom and Knowledge!

Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 3; Step Three – Made The Decision

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:00:00 +0000

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!

Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. ~ Victor Hugo

The quote above is how I feel this very moment. I am tired. I am exhausted! I am tired of living this life that seems to be just a life of suffering. The suffering comes from my thoughts. I keep working on faith, hope and a positive attitude for a better life. I am the cause of my own problems. I cannot undo what I have done, so now I have to live with the consequences of my decisions. If I knew how to live life, I would live it; but I don't! It is all screwed up, turned inside out and unmanageable. I don't know what's to happen next, where I am to be, what is to become of my life and the life I want to have. At the moment, I seem to be making the same wrong decision even if I think it's the right one. Just when I think I have a little hope, a glimmer of light in the darkness that is my life, the light goes out.

My soul is on its knees. I am tired and exhausted of trying very hard to do life. I now know the reason why I ate. Life is too hard; dealing with people, places and things makes my feelings – my emotions, my thoughts run out of control. Life is too much! I don't know if I am capable of living it. I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more for relief; but all I get is more torment from my mind. My thoughts are garbage leftovers from my past. When is life going to hand me a better life on a silver platter? I want it easy, no problems, no worries and it is not working out the way I want it!

Sometimes I wish my life could be like the lives of people on TV. Everything, every decision, every answer is given to them and everything works out perfect in the end of the show. Difficulty, no matter how drastic, how bad it might appear always works out in the end for the hero, for the underdog, for the star of the show. My life as it appears right now is like watching the weather report. It is bright and sunny outside, but it feels yucky, cold, damp and dreary in my mind. One minute I am bright and cheerful about life; the next it is doom and despair. My forecast, outlook on life right now, at this very moment appears as if the Armageddon is on the horizon. I want to end my life; to end my feelings of hopelessness, my thoughts of my life being out of control and unmanageable.

I have made the decision to turn my life and will over to the care of God. Now, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I wish someone would give me the correct, right answer. What the hell am I supposed to do with my thoughts, feelings, the lack of trust? How do I build up my faith that God will do something with my life?

I will (love) make art and have no fear!

Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God I still want to live!

Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 4; Feelings! Nothing More Than Feelings!

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 20:00:00 +0000

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!

Faith makes all things possible . . . love makes all things easy. ~ Unknown

There comes a time, no matter how well things have been going, that I start to feel a little … desperate. I am feeling it right now. The desperate feeling is my need to be in control or wanting to be in control. I know I am not, yet the feeling of my life being unmanageable, of being powerless over any situation is a physical sensation I do not want or like to feel. Eating compulsively is not an option to escape my feelings of desperation. Drinking alcohol is also not a choice I have today. The only other viable alternative I have is my belief in a Higher Power. It is not good!

“To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.” Page 44. AA Big Book.

No shit! What other choice do I have?

“But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life – or else.” Page 44. AA Big Book.

What is the “ – or else.” ?

I am not doomed an alcoholic death because of not drinking and being sober 26 years. I am not sentenced a compulsive eater's disease of negative thinking - oblivion and despair because of following a food plan, yet setting aside those two questions, why is life so seemingly unsatisfying and filled with frustration? The lack of faith and negative thinking is partly to blame! Lately, the Presence of God is more powerful and present in my life consciousness; it has become the most important fact today. Yet, my life being unmanageable and the lack of control in the fulfillment of events and situations in a timely manner makes a heavy going of my life. What revolutionary change in my way of living and thinking do I have to make in the face of collapse and despair of total failure?

This is my life today, I have a powerful reason why I should have faith; but how do I build upon the faith I have now where the desperation and anxiousness is not so overwhelming? The use of the Serenity Prayer, working of the Twelve Steps, and having faith in my Higher Power is the only answer I seem to have. Admitting I am powerless over my feelings of desperation and that my life is unmanageable is the only thing I am able to do on a minute by minute basis. Having faith that God will take care of me is the hardest thing I have to do aside from walking through the fear of the unknown and of the future! This is partly the same fear that I don't have any faith in myself as an artist.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!

Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my faith that You are working in my life!

Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 5; It's Out In The Universe!

slimfatman@gmail.com (SlimFatMan) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 19:00:00 +0000

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!

When you do the wrong thing, knowing it is wrong, you do so because you haven't developed the habit of effectively controlling or neutralizing strong inner urges that tempt you, or because you have established the wrong habit and don't know how to eliminate them effectively. ~ W. Clement Stone

Some people need to get a life! They have nothing better to do than to gossip about something that is none of their business. The one thing I have say about all this is this: “Kiss my boney ass and go screw yourself!” Am I one to carry a resentment about this “shit”? Absolutely NOT! This is my way of venting anger. If I did carry a resentment it would manifest itself violently. Instead I “let go” of whatever crap people do and wait for “karma” to return to them. Eventually it will, it is just a matter of time. Do I wish this on them? Nope! I have to do nothing, nothing at all! The Universe runs on its own power and time frame. It does not need any help from me.

I am not perfect! I am far from it and perhaps I am far more “evil” than imperfect that people make me out to be. But, at least I stay out of other people's business. I do not go around gossiping about how they are doing this or that; I don't care. I have my own problems – thank you very much! I don't need to have my “crap” that is absolutely none of their business be talked about. If I want someone to know; they can either come and ask me themselves or I will tell them. I don't need my personal business told to people other than the people I tell or if they read it themselves here!

I have been talking about it for a long time. I just hadn't found the “ideal” (right) person to do it with until recently! I wrote a couple of blog posts as vision blogs about it. If you must know and really want to know – you are reading it here first. The fact is the girl I love with all my heart and I are getting married!

For those of you out there that have to talk about it. I will tell you my “secret” to finding a beautiful person (mate) as the girl I love with all my heart. Just as any 12 Step program is a program of attraction, you must become the person of attraction that you wish to attract! I not only worked at losing the weight (physical) but also the spiritual and mental (emotional) aspect of my life. I worked on all three as well as having to surrender my need for a relationship. I had to “let go” and “let God” and let Him do what He does best. God wants me to have everything that I desire; it is only when I align my will (Step 3) with that of God that I realize the miracles in my life.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!

Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for the miracles!

Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs