I was going to draw-up a bloggy Top 10 list of these strangely inspirational “Where Will Amazing Happen?” NBA ads (scope out all 17 here). But then I quickly realized the clear number one would be this ad of LeBron James completely schooling Paul Pierce and dunking KG’s brains out, like some sort of divinely chosen basketball grizzly bear hustling his way through a Man vs. Beast trout fishing event at Yellowstone.

As a diehard Cs fan, whose blood flows thick in green like the leprechaun’s gravy, that wouldn’t fly. But these ads are incredible, and LeBron James is a trout smashing beast:

Also notable: while both Celtics editions of this series are spectacular showcases of KG and Pierce’s championship-caliber dominance, Rondo pops out just as impressively, collecting the steal from Rodney Stuckey to start off the fast break for KG, and doing a little jibby jab to get Cleveland dancing enough to set up Pierce’s drive.

Where will Rondo’s “Where Will Amazing Happen” happen?

I certainly see the appeal. Shat would seem to be the standard and historic preterite/past participle of everyone’s favorite smelly verb, and so its presence in a sentence inevitably invokes a nice bit of tension between the strict gramatic traditionalism and the inevitable vulgarity. (It even works when constructing haughty blog posts!)

But shitted is poetry; much more expressive, funnier, a surprising and livley addition to any BM-related anecdote.

BRIAN: And then who walks into the Bratskellar? BAM! Wayne Brady!
FRANCIS: What did you do?
BRIAN: I totally shitted myself.

or

GRANDMA: I just shitted that entire bag of Sugar Free LifeSavers.

As with anything, much depends on the rythm of the sentence, the relationship between fellow nearby words, adjacent phonems, etc.. But pounds for donuts, shitted is a far more engaging option. Try it with friends.

BONUS!
In Canterbury Tales, Chaucer uses “shitten.” Not bad!

My own mother weaves marionette
     strings on an old broken loom,
          has found honey in rusted oil canisters.
  She broke her flower’s arm in a trip
               with falling, and a man named Josephine
            Appleseed, has bet me to differ.

    I am complacent enough as bubblegum
         is on subway tracks, with fields
         of almost melting popsicles attached
      by veins to my wife in Oregon.

Bella opens the bathroom door
   to wash goofy figurines.
She sits in a purple-plaid fizzled white tub
            soft grey, the tiles, with plastic pet people
            some floating, others sunk to the bottom.

Outside her window, an unhappy ocean is on fire
   and when it all burns up, which is all it will,
   there will only then be left the salt, and Mr.
            Gandhi will be happy, but he will be hungry.

(
Far off and long ago in a rural distance
   a plum light hangs large over dirt roads,
   as tow trucks towing other tow trucks
  drive past a young woman’s future grandfather

            Who takes a large bite of asparagus
                            and smiles despite his teeth.
                                                                                )

As I continue to follow my own advice, leveraging the blog as blatant means of career advancement, all work-related posts will be labeled “vanity” for the convenience of future potential employers and/or clients (and/or my parents, who seem to like that sort of thing). This will hopefully serve as a dynamic addition to the more statically self-serving About, Television, Film, and New Media resume-type pages linked to above.

Many thanks. Please feel free to contact me with any further questions. I look forward to hearing form you.

WARNING: Blatant self-promotion contained below.

Media Bistro on Demand

As the in-the-knowers clearly know, mediabistro.com is a pretty indispensable resource for creative content professionals, providing an online venue for writers and editors, producers and circus performers, on and on, etc. etc., to make contacts, find jobs, share resources and develop new skills.

A big part of their operation is Media Bistro on Demand, a series of info-packed short form instructional videos detailing the ins-and-outs of emerging media technologies, from blogging to Wikipedia, writing for the web to online video.

I’ve been working with some of those MB top-notch A-listers on a series of these videos the past year or two, both as writer and occasional host.

And two new videos just popped up online!

Facebook Self Promotion

The first is a half hour instructional treatise entitled “How to Promote Yourself on Facebook.” From the website:

Want to reach a few million people without spending a cent? Whether you’re publicizing your blog, book, business, or just your own cool self, Facebook can be your new best friend.

I picked up a lot of these tips through promoting The Bridge and Press Play via Facebook Page, a process that very much takes on a promotional life of it’s own, absolutely ideal for fellow New England-shy content creators to whom blatant self-promotion is a soiling sin that must be scrubbed and washed and washed and scrubbed and removed.

Job Search v. 2.0

The second video clocks in at a slightly longer 45 minutes, an in-depthy rumination on the nature of “Job Search v. 2.0.” Once again, from the website:

Mediabistro knows online job search. We’ve got tons of smart strategies, cool sites, and timely social media tips to help you use the web to find your next position.

A lot of good info culled from the net, filtered through my brain, and regurgitated for consumption via Snapz Pro and Flash video.

A Brief Moment of Self-Regard

And so, as might be clear, this post is a functioning example of me taking my own advice, leveraging my blog with an eye toward career advancement, placing easy links to projects I have been involved with as a (slightly obtrusive) means of securing future assignments. You know it!

Just as a narcissistically interesting aside, I can’t watch myself on camera. I can’t even watch myself behind camera; any project I touch, be it as writer, editor, producer or performer, inevitably becomes videona non grata the moment that content is released for broad popular consumption. It’s not really arrogance and it’s certainly not humility (ha!). It’s just the way it is.

So if you want to know if the videos linked to above are any good, I really can’t tell you.

I’m a casual, predominately accidental viewer of Jim Rome is Burning, and I should admit I’ve never listened in on Rome’s radio show.

But I’m absolutely certain Jim Rome himself wrote this Craigslist ad:

The Jim Rome Show and Jim Rome Is Burning are looking for a writer(s). Looking for someone who comes at it from different angles, knows sports thoroughly, and is hungry, competitive and driven. Must be willing to grind. Tremendous potential payoff and upside for the right candidate(s).

I am out.

With so much drama in Wash-ing-ton DC, it’s kind of hard being Snoop D O….

Always wanted to start a political post like that, but then it just came out so hackish and, I dunno, reminiscent of stale AOL-style advertising missing it’s mark of cultural relevance by a half dozen years*.

Anyway. John Dickerson is a great writer and excellent political analyst (not to mention masterful twitterman). He also has a totally weird and not-at-all intuitive understanding of the nature of bipartisanship, one which downplays the relevance of any bipartisan political acts involving both parties actually agreeing about something important:

Once upon a time, the Obama administration tried hard to show it listened to Republican ideas. Two months ago, when Congress was debating the stimulus bill, presidential aides pointed to tax cuts in the legislation that Republicans had requested (even though lots of Democrats asked for the same tax cuts). They said Minority Whip Eric Cantor had given them the idea of tracking stimulus spending online (even though they were already planning to do that).

Dickerson has been dismissive of such claims before, explicitly arguing that Democrats incorporating a “GOP-inspired” tax provision into the stimulus package doesn’t count as bipartisanship because Democrats thought the idea was a good one.

But what is bipartisanship if not an issue about which both (english for “bi”) parties can agree?

I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence, which sounds so stale and obvious and inspired by circa 2003 AOL era advertising, but it’s actually a pretty novel concept to many in the political press. Only an industry with such a vested interest in intra-party conflict as a means of financial viability (barely) would dismiss such a painstakingly obvious understanding of bipartisanship.

It’s an important story I think was largely missed during the campaign: when hyping their bipartisan accomplishments, John McCain would cite a long and famous list of conflict-oriented bipartisanship, wherein he borrowed liberally (pun!) from the opposing party’s platform, riling up his base in the process. Obama, on the other, would point to a series of common-sense, nearly unanimously supported legislation (videotaped confessions, Coburn-Obama Transparency act), leaving him open to a bit of criticism that those accomplishments weren’t bipartisan at all. How could they be, when no one got mad?

But c’est la vie, such as where we be. And I suppose if promoting Dem-on-Dem/Repub-on-Repub cat fights is the only thing keeping John Dickerson employed and writing, then we’ll just have to suck it up and be thankful we have something to read.

* Referring of course to the Jerry Stiller-Snoop Dogg ad with the giant fish sculpture made of AOL CD-ROMs, which is inexplicably not currently on the internet.

From 1992 to 1997, Boyz II Men spent a total of 54 weeks with a Billboard #1 single. Five singles, three of which broke a previous record for longest rein at #1. The phrase “#1″ appears in their Wikipedia profile 11 times.

The most significant hit of this impressive reign of dominance was “One Sweet Day,” a collaboration with Mariah Carey that spent a (still) record 16 weeks in the top spot. Mariah Carey herself, during this same period, charted 7 of her 18 career #1s, encompassing a total of 43 weeks.

That is to say, from 1992 to 1997, the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100 was held be either Boyz II Men, Mariah Carey, and/or Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey, for a total of 81 weeks (out of 260).

Were these guys really that good, or were the mid 90s that devoid of pop competition?

Ok, so.

The US financial system has been taken hostage by a zombified incarnation of Carlton Banks, whose debts resulting from the sale of substandard prime rib submarine sandwiches have been shored up by implicit and/or explicit credit support from Uncle Phil. Yes?

Enter Timmy, who has sent Lassie to purchase a brood of toxic donkeys from Carlton at potentially inflated prices. Once the donkeys are out of Bel-Air and Uncle Phil has thrown Jazzy Jeff out the front door, the money supply frees up, enabling Hilary to continue shopping for some new outfits, thus providing the foreplay necessary for the recent broad national dose of Cialis to bestow upon America a steady five hour erection. Right?

But will it work? Mr. Feeny doesn’t think so.

** Only just now hitting me that it’s definitely a toxic goat in that picture, not a donkey. Damn you Google Image Search!!!

A libertarian-leaning friend sends over this column by Uni Chicago Economists and Hoover Institute Fellows Gary Becker (Nobel Laureate!) and Kevin Murphy, advocating a “do no harm” approach to the current crisis.

Some smart dudes, about as articulate as it comes when arguing against government overreach into free market capitalism. Though count me as not particularly persuaded in the midst of the current poo fest (is Obama really pushing card check as a solution to the credit implosion? Really? I hadn’t noticed.)

All merits aside, though, I’m still baffled as to why their famed libertarian institution has survived nearly 100 years with the same name.

If you’re going to develop ideas promoting a laissez-faire approach to capitalism, why why why name your institution after Herbert Hoover? It’s almost too clean a satirical joke.

“And you know what the worst part is? I just bought a James Hardy jersey. You can bet TO will steal his number 81.”

Count me as glad the rumors proved incorrect; Hitler simply isn’t a Pats fan.

How many 16th century Parisian-style merchants
must I charm
to colonize my mother’s reunion barbeque?

French Canadians in their blue jeans,
wearing bell-bottom Heritage under a Tree of ferris Wheels,

gather in a pro-creative Park amongst the wooded clearings of Southern Maine,
reuniting under exile of Nova Scotian oral history.

Cobblers the sons of cobblers the sons of older cobblers,
bankers the mothers of bankers the mothers of younger bankers;
7 generations of Bachand mechanics.

Sweet Barbara, bequeathed maitre d’ of a proud familial arch.
And then,
   Her son, A SENATOR!
   Her nephew, A GOVERNOR!
   Her grandson, A SENATOR!

SWEET HIGH TRAVESTY CRIME
AGAINST THE MERITOCRACY!!!!11!!

GRRRRRRRDIESDIESDIES
ANGRY!!!!!!111!!!!!!MOOOOBBBBBBBB!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!

My apologies to the Pitch Forks.
I will bank, I will bank.

“Can’t we English-speakers just agree upon a gender-neutral pronoun?” attorney Paul Easton recently Twittered. “Tired of PC grammar gymnastics.”

…

Consider the sentence “Everyone loves his mother.” The word “his” may be seen as both sexist and inaccurate, but replacing it with “his or her” seems cumbersome, and “their” is grammatically incorrect.

But that’s silly. “Their” is it! “Their” is what we agreed upon! “Their” is the daring little pronoun the English language chose!

If we’re in such desperate need of a gender neutral pronoun, then we should simply stop correcting people when they say “everyone loves their mother.” How is using their in that sentence any more grammatically incorrect than using ip or thon or any of the other nonsense word jabberwoky the article mentions?

Sure it might be slightly messy or logically inconsistent, but 1) this is English, the bastard stepchild of tribal West Germany and whoreish France, and 2) we’ve actually been using a singular they for like 600 years.

Some old school English speaker had a problem, and they* solved it! A long time ago, and no one seemed to notice.

* See! See!

Think of 15 albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world.

1. Nirvana - Nevermind
My favorite album when I was 11 and still my favorite album today. The CD that convinced me to grow my hair long (for a time), and unselfconsciously bring a yo yo to class. That was big time.

2. Public Enemy - Nation of Millions
I often wish I could go back and experience what it was like to first hear “Rebel Without a Pause” without already knowing what Public Enemy was all about.

3. Weezer - Self Titled (Blue Album)
Haven’t listened to it in years, nor had much interest. But this was the first album to really own me outright for an extended period of time.

4. A Tribe Called Quest - The Love Movement
After I went on to discover Low End and Marauders, I quickly became embarrassed that this was my first true introduction to Tribe. Not exactly keeping it real. It took another 6 or 7 years of digesting Jay Dee’s prolific production output before I was able to return to this semi-early work of his and really appreciate that natural brilliance.

5. Keith Jarrett - The Melody at Night with You
My Dad gave me this, after I had dropped out of college (the first time) and was fucked up on fruit snacks and jello snack packs. Jarrett’s solo standard stuff doesn’t really rake in the same love his mega 70s solo-improv concerts do, but this album is just unmatched in that personal and restful vibe.

6. BIG - Ready to Die
Because you have to, right?

7. Radiohead - OK Computer
Kind of a default, as well. First album I ever bought because everyone at the time was saying it was the greatest ever, and the first album to deserve the immediacy of hyperbole I puked all over it.

8. Elliott Smith - Either/Or
Never really realized how much I loved this album until an iTunes plug-in calculated I’d spent over 61 hrs listening to it.

9. El-P - Fantastic Damage
Come to think of it, the experience wished for in item 2 is probably similar to the adventure of first being hit with “Tuned Mass Damper” or “Delorean.”

10. Beatles - Revolver
The first album I ever owned containing the song “For No One” was actually a Rickie Lee Jones covers compilation. This is better.

11. DJ Shadow - Endtroducing
This is the only record I know with an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records not related to sales or chart positions. (”First Full-Length Commercial Album Created Entirely From Sampled Audio.” Or something.)

12. Eric B & Rakim - Follow the Leader
Paid in Full gets all the love for breaking the ground, but this is where I first really understood the legend of Rakim, one I had spent so much time reading about in bound periodicals at rural libraries throughout New Hampshire.

13. Dangerdoom (Danger Mouse & MF Doom) - The Mouse and the Mask
Not one of my favorite albums, though it’s excellent. Not particularly ground breaking or burning up the iPod, either. But this is the first hip hop album to ever shout out somebody I know personally, so it’s on here.

14. Iron & Wine - Woman King
Technically an EP, but this set, combined with “Mating” by Norman Rush, a 2005 Op-Ed by Patricia Bauer, and a series of columns by a feminist writer in the UNH student newspaper, had a huge impact on the development of my first script, Big Potato Dictator.

15. One Be Lo - S.O.N.O.G.R.A.M
The first album post-1997 to disabuse me of the notion that hip hop’s best days laid in its past, the LP that demonstrated the continued existence of a still golden post-Golden Era of hip hop left to be uncovered in real time.

Steven Seagal is a man clearly well versed in the fragility of the human condition skeletal system, an aggressive physical manifestation of some staggering personal depth.

For instance, where you aware that:

1. Steven Seagal began his career as an aikido instructor in Japan, the first foreigner to operate an aikido dojo in Osaka Japan.
2. Prominent Tibetan lama Penor Rinpoche has recognized Steven Seagal to be the reincarnation of a Tibetan religious figure.
3. While working in Japan, Steven Seagal was urgently warned by a “mystical dog” that his dojo was on fire, a dog he had never seen before and never saw again.
4. Most importantly: Steven Seagal is an international blues guitarist and multi-album World Music recording artist, from 2005’s Songs From the Crystal Cave to 2006’s Mojo Priest.

As such: