In a statement that shocked sports fans around the world, FIFA president Sepp Blatter admitted yesterday that the goals in professional soccer are all faked, and that the game exists only to sell socks.

“Soccer is now, and has always been, about socks,” said Blatter. “The goals, the running around on the grass, the fouls, the injuries – it’s all irrelevant. The beautiful game is about beautiful socks.”

The admission follows a series of controversial referee calls in the 2010 World Cup, where goals appeared to have been incorrectly awarded or disallowed.

“It’s true – the goals are faked,” said the shamefaced Blatter. “Teams earn points for sock style. When they get a sock point, they are permitted to kick the ball into the other team’s net. But they’re only human. Sometimes, errors are made, and players kick the ball into the net without having scored the appropriate points.  That’s when our referees must bend the rules to change the number of goals.”

US soccer coach Bob Bradley welcomed the admission. We’ve suspected for some time that something weird was going on – the way those European players would fake injuries, lying on the ground and clutching their legs in fake agony. In hindsight, it’s obvious that they were just showing off their socks. We should have guessed from the name of the game. Now we know why America is terrible at soccer.”

According to dictionaries, the word “soccer” is short for “association”.

“It doesn’t even make sense if you think about it,” said actor and word historian John Lithgow. “Soccer isn’t short for association. Short for ‘association’ would be ‘asser’.”

Lithgow’s research led him to a secret chamber beneath the Louvre, where long-hidden documents revealed that the game’s full name is Sock Association Football, invented in 1846 by the the Sock Association to showcase their products.

And Lithgow’s picks for the 2010 World Cup winner?

“I have to say the Netherlands,” said the veteran actor. “Their orange socks are flashy and sassy. It’s time Dutch socks received recognition in the World Cup.”

“We finished 33 points ahead of them in the regular season,” says Capital head coach Bruce Boudreau. “Obviously we are the much better team. How else can you explain it?”

Capital forward Alexander Semin agreed with the allegations. Semin produced 40 goals and 84 points during the regular season, yet had no goals and only one point in the seven game series. “It was like my legs couldn’t move like they normally do, almost like they were tied together at times,” said Semin.

Semin wasn’t only one with that type of performance. League MVP Alex Ovechkin also performed well below expected levels.

Canadiens players were quick to dismiss these allegations. “We beat them with great hustle and great goaltending.,” said Canadiens forward Mike Cammaleri. When asked about the row of tiny dolls dressed as the Washington players, spotted behind the Montreal bench for the latter part of the series, Cammaleri  explained that many of the Canadiens were big fans of the top Washington players, so why wouldn’t they carry around their favourite dolls with them.

And the pins? “Quite a few of the teams players are heavily into needlework,” explained Cammaleri. “Our jerseys often get ripped or torn. They are expensive, and our players can’t afford to buy new ones, so they often repair them. What else do you expect them to do during stoppages in play. I believe the Washington players making these accusations are just sore losers.”

Canadiens team doctor, Jean Parook who recently joined the team from his native Haiti, concurred.  “Yes, very sore.”

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said: “These are serious allegations, and we run a first rate league. I want to make it clear that voodoo will not be tolerated.” However, in the midst of his statement, Bettman appeared to have a change of heart. Giving a loud shriek, and clawing at his shoulder and hip, he declared loudly, “Whatever you say! I take it all back! There will be no investigation.” He then added emphatically, “No investigation! No voodoo!”

Still if you are Sidney Crosby, the captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins, and Montreal’s next opponent, you might want to watch your back…

“From the outside, we had it all,” said Bingo, speaking exclusively to The Daily Week. “Dune buggies, amusement park rides, and our very own rockin’ fire station. But behind the scene, Fleegle, Drooper, Snorky and myself were caught up in an insane whirlwind of custard pie orgies, and thousand-dollar, diamond-studded flea collars.”

For four simple animals, the meteoric rise to music stardom and the grind of TV and music production took a terrible toll. And, although they were idols for millions of teenage girls, two of the band members were tormented by a dark secret.

“One evening, Fleegle got the band together for a meeting. He revealed that he and Drooper were gay. We were so shocked, we fell over, bumped into each other, and fell over again, several times. Of course, these days, being gay is nothing, but back in the sixties, it was a big deal. All the women loved Drooper. They would throw their underwear at him. And those same women bought millions of records. The whole economy of the band was built on the sex appeal of that lovable lion. But for Drooper, the only sex appeal that mattered was Fleegle’s.”

“Of course, it was all hushed up. Fleeg and Droops would go out to dinner with a couple of girls on each arm. But let’s just say that, at the end of evening, the girls went home alone, and Drooper and Fleegle went home together.”

“Snorky and me accepted it, and it was all cool at first. But in the later years, Drooper and Fleegle were bickering all the time. It just got to be a drag.”

But the romantic rift that finally drove a wedge of wafer between the Banana Splits was over a woman.

“Snork was interested in Charlie, from the Sour Grapes. One day, he asked me to ask her out on his behalf. He couldn’t ask her in person since he could only speak in honks.

“I went to see Charlie and explained how Snork was interested in her. She said that she liked Snorky too. But as we talked, I could feel a chemistry between us. And I could see that she was also feeling it. The night of passion that followed was the most intense sexual roller coaster in my entire monkey life.

“As I left her place early the next morning, I felt racked with guilt. I decided I had to tell him what had happened. In hindsight, I was making a huge mistake. I figured he would be angry, but I had not guessed the power of his elephant range. He went totally berserk, tearing down walls and throwing PAs around the fire hall. I think he would have killed me if vets hadn’t arrived and shot him with tranquilizer darts. But he was an elephant, and they never forget.”

The band was still performing, but the old magic had gone. It was inevitable that, just months later,  they would go their separate ways. For most, the breakup meant obscurity, although Snork reprised his keyboarding skills as Max Rebo, the blue elephant in Return of the Jedi, before dying of a heart attack in 1985.

As for Bingo, when he split from the Splits, he formed his own band, Bingo and the Monkees. But his old demons came along for the ride. “I am ashamed of my behavior towards them,” said Bingo. “I stole money and cigarettes from Davey Jones and Peter Tork, and I threw monkey poo at Mike Nesmith.” Although they were on the verge of a major TV and record deal, and Bingo had already penned “I’m a Believer” and “Last Train to Clarkson,” the other band members kicked out their star performer. Ironically, The Monkees would achieve TV and chart success without a monkey, replacing him with lookalike Micky Dolenz.

The mutant alien life forms, encased in robot-like shells, have expressed their willingness to participate in the effort to suppress Taliban activity in the troubled nation. Under the new proposals, NATO forces will gradually withdraw, to be replaced by Dalek battle squadrons, consisting of Daleks from the E212 and E18 Earth Invasion Forces.

Several Dalek units have already seen action fighting alongside American troops in the 101st Airborne Division. US soldiers were impressed by their single minded devotion to duty, and resilience in combat.

“I have nothing but good things to say about them,” said Sgt. Travis Collins, of Squitney, Minnesota. “They have great night vision technology, they are very tough, and their plunger arms are perfect for unclogging blocked latrines.”

Collins added that the Daleks have proved their worth against the enemy. “I saw one of them roll right over an roadside bomb just up the road there. Not a scratch on him. Then he floats into a building nearby and neutralizes a large number of enemy combatants. Dalek intelligence informed us that it was a rebel base, disguised as an orphanage and hospital. Apparently, the orphans would have attacked our convoy if the Dalek hadn’t acted when he did, so a lot a lives were saved that day.”

Despite their warlike nature, the Daleks have agreed not to make use of nuclear weapons, preferring to use their whisk-like exterminator weapons, which disintegrate human flesh without dangerous radiation.

Dalek spokesman Davros affirmed that the long-term goal remains to transfer full control to the Afghan people, “or whatever beings occupy Afghanistan when we have finished our operations.”

“We will pacify Afghanistan swiftly and irreversibly,” said the one-eyed, disabled scientist. “The Afghan troops will be helpless against the irresistible power and might of the Dalek forces,” he said, drawing a chuckle from assembled reporters. When reminded that the Daleks would be fighting alongside the Afghan troops, Davros said the words “helpless against” were a typo, and should have read “helped by”.

“But rest assured that the Tali-ban will be ex-TER-minated,” he said. “And then the people of Earth [will be helped].”

A long column of Daleks then echoed the cry, “Ex-TER-minate the Tali-ban! Ex-TER-minate the Tali-ban!” as they slid out through the doors of the press center.

The plane struck the ashbar while cruising at 40,000 feet, minutes after Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger caught sight of the cloud, believed to be fallout from the recent Icelandic volcano eruption.

Sulllenberger quickly slipped the plane into reverse. Said the heroic pilot, “In hindsight, that was a mistake, because, as we were backing up, the tip of the starboard wing, and the horizontal stabilizer on the starboard side – or as we pilots call them, the ‘pointy bits’ – just jammed right into the cloud.”

The crew attempted a variety of techniques to free the trapped plane, including moving the elevator flaps,  getting all the passengers to jump simultaneously, and engaging engines (both impulse and warp) at full power.

“Nothing worked,” said Sullenberg. “We’re really stuck good up here.”

Passengers straddled the wing and cheered as Sullenberger used ropes to swing Tarzanlike beneath the plane, in an attempt to reach the section of tail that is stuck in the ash. Working with a team of rescue workers, who had been dropped onto the plane by helicopter, the crew worked around the clock trying to chip away at the ash, removing approximately two tons of the dense Icelandic material from the impacted area, but failing to free the plane.

Ash-chipping efforts were later halted when scientists on the ground became concerned about the short-term effects of releasing the plane.

“The plane is basically being held up by its tail and wing,” said FAA engineer Travis Zhukov. “The engines are not running. According to our calculations, if the tail is released, there is a risk the aircraft could just drop to earth, like any other huge metal object suspended in the sky.”

Rescue workers now propose to continue their work from the top of the ash cloud, where they will attempt to drill a passageway diagonally downward. They hope to pull the aircraft through the newly created hole onto the smooth upper surface of the volcanic cloud, where they can attempt a takeoff.

While new plans are formulated, passengers are forced to remain aboard the aircraft. However, fears that they might starve proved groundless. The plane has a large supply of alcohol, peanuts, and breaded chicken, which can be served with or without a miniature croissant, a bag of peanuts, and small containers of jam.

Said one passenger, “It’s inconvenient, but they are taking good care of us up here. We are in good spirits, catching up on our movies, and reading the in-flight magazines.”

Fact: Humans bred with animals. I know what you’re thinking. No way. But, yes, because – think about it – there must have been a first human, right? So, before that they were all animals, right? So – who did that human breed with? Animals! Stands to reason. Some guy comes along and finds he’s the first human – he would have to have done animals, or there wouldn’t be any more humans.

I don’t mean like Adam done chickens, or like that. I mean like he probably did monkeys that were nearly human, but not quite human yet. Although I bet you chickens would have worked too. I know they say chicken DNA and human DNA don’t mix, but how would you know? Scientists say that, but it’s just theory. They don’t go around actually doing chickens to see. They’re not allowed to – that’s the Hippocratic Oath.

And also, I’m going to share something with you here that’s kind of gross. Friend of mine, lived on a farm. He admitted to me he done a chicken once! But that’s not the worst part. He says, exactly nine months later, he’s looking at the chicks around on the farm. (I mean, chick, like the small bird, not the girl.) And there’s this one chick that’s looking at him. And it followed him around, and he swears it was part human. He could see it in the eye. Chicken head, chicken body, but human eye expressions, accusing him. Like it was saying: “See, you created me! You created a monster!” No word of a lie. Freaked me right out when I heard it.

So, know what I think? Adam and Eve – I think it’s a metaphor for what really happened in evolution, and we’ve just remembered it, but the story got mixed up. Probably what really happened was, Adam got born, and he was like fully human. But there was no human woman born around the same time. What would be the chances of that? Zero. So, Eve was actually just some old monkey. He had to do her, though. Had no choice. He knew the human race depended on it.

And Eve went off to a tree and brought back fruit, right? Well, of course she did – it’s what monkeys do! They go to the trees and eat fruit. So then they had kids, and the kids were still human, but not as good of a human as Adam, because, although they’ve got human DNA, they’ve also got a lot of monkey DNA.

You want more proof? It’s a known fact that people long ago lived hundreds of years, like Adam, and Methuselah and Aragorn. But today they don’t live that long. So, why’s that? Because animals don’t live as long as humans! Except for maybe tortoises, which live, like thousands of years – basically immortal as long as they get food.

So, if you ask my opinion, what Adam should have done was have different kids using different animals as mothers. He could kind of interbreed them for their different powers. Some monkey kids, for climbing ability. Some elephant kids for size and strength. Some tortoise kids for long life.

But what would probably happen is you’d get things you didn’t want, like, oh, the tortoise kids live a long time, but they move really slow and they have shells instead of skin. However, I think it is very likely that humans also interbreeded with, say, seals, and that’s why we don’t have fur like monkeys, but instead we’re smooth like seals, and we make swimming pools.

And, think about it, if humans interbreeded with seals, and some of them had a bit more seal and a bit less human in their DNA, what do you get? Would it not be basically mermaids? I am serious. The legends are full of them. Reason is because mermaids probably were real once, but don’t exist any more because of overfishing, or people kill them thinking, “Oh, it’s just a seal, I’ll smash its head.” So fishermen smashes its head and doesn’t see it’s the head of a human being. That would be gross.

But what is really gross is my friend’s chicken story. That is really disgusting, and I can not stop thinking about it. That little chicken eye, looking at you.

If you gave me a million dollars to do a chicken, I would not do it. No way. It’s not worth it. Same for any animals. Goats. Dogs. Sheep. Even if it was a good time – and I seriously doubt it would be – you’ve got to think of the consequences.

Can you imagine, like, if you done a sheep and then there’s a baby sheep, and it’s looking at you, and, there’s this sheep body, sheep head, but human eye expressions. Innate humanity, right? And then you’re hungry, but you can’t eat it. You would starve before you eat your own flesh and blood. But then, one day, you discover that it’s gone, and you remember, you had lamb last night, and, oh no, you ate it by accident. That would be just the worst.

Word to the wise, man, word to the wise.

Minesweeper is the basis for Microsoft’s security algorithms. The game was previously considered virtually unsolvable, because the mines are all covered by blank squares, and exposing even one will make the mine explode.

But insurance company employees Sandra Sherman, Priik Dabral and Lendrick Jules used tools developed in their insurance industry to crack the Microsoft code.

Said team leader Dabral, “Using our books of actuarial tables and advanced mathematics, we discovered that there are underlying patterns in the Minesweeper numeric matrix. For example, if the numbers near a square show that it is next to two mines, and if there are two blank squares nearby, we can deduce that the blank squares must contain mines, without even looking under the squares. By using this and certain logical mathematical rules we’ve invented, we were able to figure out large portions of the grid.”

While his words may sound like meaningless egghead mumbo-jumbo, putting the theory into practice involved a desperate race against time, and white-knuckle risks.

“The timer is going the whole time,” said Jules. “We needed to concentrate, but your eye just keeps getting drawn to that ticking clock. There’s no room for error. One slip and you can easily click on a mine. And when you do, it doesn’t just blow up that one square like the ordinary that might lie under your neighborhood football field – it blows up the whole minefield.”

And the terror persisted until the last second.

“We were down to the last corner,” Dabral remembers, “and there were two blank spaces we just couldn’t figure out. It could have been one way or the other. There was just no way to know where the mines were.”

It was at that point the team put logic and mathematics aside and relied on Sandra Sherman’s female intuition.

“I tried to imagine what was going on inside the head of the person who made up this particular Minesweeper puzzle,” said Sherman. “The obvious place to put the bomb was right in the corner. But then I thought, that may be exactly what he wants us to think. So the corner square must be free.”

Jules was “literally within a thousandth of a second of clicking that mouse button,” when suddenly Sherman called out to him to stop.

“I just knew something was wrong,” she explained. “I could feel we were walking into a trap. A double bluff, if you will.”

The selection was changed – and not a moment too soon, for, as it turned out, the corner square had indeed contained the mine.

“They say there are no miracles, but the million-to-one shot we faced that day tells me otherwise,” said Dabral. “You can call it luck if you like, but I believe some higher power was watching over us that day.”

Computer scientists around the world are now examining the method developed by the three, and attempting to duplicate their seemingly impossible results.

Head Microsoft programmer Bill Gates was impressed by the feat. “My hat is off to them. They did what we thought could never be done.”

But Gates downplays the security risk to Microsoft. “Fortunately, we do have a backup security algorithm, based on alternating series of red and black playing cards.”

He then astonished and thrilled passengers by landing his plane in the Hudson for a second time.

“Just as we were approaching the airport, a goose flew into each of the engines,” explained Sullenberger. “I knew there was no time to react. Rather than risk the plane crashing into New York City and destroying some large buildings, I made the decision to land it in the Hudson. Again. And FIrst Officer Skiles helped.”

“There was no alternative,” agreed Skiles. “With a goose in each engine, we would probably have crashed. We needed to land that plane against all odds again, and, fortunately we did so.”

Passengers were delighted with Sullenberger’s legendary flying skills.

“I am proud and grateful to have been saved by such a great American hero,” said Glimpson Smith, 72, of Chicago. “We all cheered when he landed the plane in the water, and didn’t mind a bit that we had to swim for it afterwards. At least we were alive. Most of us, anyway.”

Engineers were unable to find traces of the geese in the engines, but agreed that this was probably because Sullenberger’s prompt action in immersing the engines in river water had washed them clean.

“He not only saved the passengers, he saved the engines,” said one.

But Sullenberger’s adventures were not over. After posing for cameras after the flight, he and First Officer Skiles took charge of a second flight from New York’s LaGuardia Airport back to Charlotte, North Carolina. But, once again, as they were coming down, they were forced to land on water – this time, the muddy Yadkin River.

“I spotted a double-crested cormorant pecking at the underside of the plane, where all the wires are,” explained Sullenberger. “I knew that if the bird’s beak cut through the cables and things, we would all be done for. I knew I needed a way to get the bird off the plane before we crashed, killing many innocent people.”

“He looked at me, and said, ‘What should we do?'” added First Officer Skiles. “Then I saw water below, and said, ‘The river!’ So we landed it in the river. Again.”

“It was extremely difficult, but we bravely and humbly did it,” admitted Sullenberger. “I am a hero. A reluctant hero.”

“Me too,” agreed Skiles.

Passengers were ebullient at being saved from a fiery death by bird-wire peckage.

“He is a great man, and he saved my life, and probably a lot of other lives,” said Wilhelmina Storchkugel, 87, of Linden, Missouri. “He is more than a hero. He is a man-mountain and walking legend.”

A few hours later, Sullenberger was in the air again, this time flying to Rhode Island. But, incredibly, and for a third time, he faced a problem which forced a water landing.

“I heard a strange sound,” said Sullenberger. “My catlike senses immediately told me that a hummingbird had alighted on the wing and was messing with the planes aerodynamics – the Bernoulli principle and lift, that kind of thing. I was not willing to risk crashing into Rhode Island and possibly breaking it. So instead, I landed it in the Atlantic.”

“I helped,” explained First Officer Skiles. “I saw a wave that looked like a good landing spot, and that’s where we put her down.”

Passengers shimmered with pleasure at the news that their lives had been saved by Sullenberger.

“He saved my life, and he saved my island,” said Janice Ploon, 103, of Providence, Rhode Island. “He is a hero of titanic proportions and possibly a kind of lesser Messiah.”

Sully’s next flight will take him to Los Angeles.

“Hopefully we will not run into any more bird problems,” said Sullenberger, “but if we do, I know a guy there with a large swimming pool, and landing a plane there would be really heroic.”

Although the precise spelling and meaning of the word has not yet been discovered, word experts are able to make accurate predictions about some properties of the new word’s properties, which, because it is believed to contain the letter G, they refer to it only as “the G-word”.

“We know the G-word has something to do with sex and anatomy, and that it is kind of racist, and completely disgusting,” said researcher Dr. Eleanor DuCoque. “Now the race is on to figure out just what that means.”

The team used a statistical technique called factor analysis to discover the new word.

“We took hundreds of the rudest existing words, then drew out out the elements and meanings they have in common,” DuCoque explained. “Our results point unambiguously to an underlying, ultimate rude word, from which all other rudeness is derived. We have proved that the G-word exists. Now it only remains to find it.”

Professor John Member, Professor Emeritus of Obscene Discourse at the University of Toronto, and discoverer of the terms “teabagger” and “milf”, praised the new discovery.

“This is incredible work,” said Member. The G-word completely shakes everything we knew, or thought we knew, about rude words. And if this new word is as rude as it seems to be, it could lead to huge abuse breakthroughs, and the development of entire new classes of expletives. It’s a wonderful surprise.”

But an even bigger surprise about the new word is its length – fourteen letters. Because so many of the rudest words are four letters long, most previous research efforts have focused in that direction. Long words are much harder to discover than short ones, and the Dublin team are now using computers to sift through trillions of candidates.

“Our early results suggested that the word might be ‘Guntfukniggole’,” said DuCoque, “but unfortunately more precise measurements showed that this word rated only 0.11 on the vulgarity index, the same level as ‘poo’.”

“But it is just a matter of time before the word is discovered,” she said.

Asked what she would do when the G-word and its shocking meaning are finally uncovered, DuCoque said that it would be published online, and announced to the world media.

But maybe not right away.

“Before we tell everyone, I’d like to be the first to try it out with my boyfriend,” she said.

Cynthia Narwhal was inspired by the series The Apprentice to get a receptionist job at a real estate development company. But instead of intense competition and huge challenges, she was appalled to find that her work involved endless weeks of drudgery.

“For sure, the company was not nearly as realistic as the series,” she said. “I was never given the opportunity to design an advertising campaign in two days, or organize a fancy dinner for a visiting Hollywood celebrity. I mainly just answered phones and did photocopies.”

The rules of the company were also poorly defined, complained Narwhal.

“When I started work there, there were more than one hundred other employees, but at the end of a year, most of them were still there, except for a few on mat leave. Hardly anyone had been eliminated, and a few new ones had been added in the middle of the season. It was totally unclear how anyone was supposed to win.”

Outraged, Narhwal left the company, but even her departure fell far short of expectations: “I was not taken to a limousine or invited to give a speech about my feelings for the other contestants.”

Hers is not an isolated experience. Thousands of other reality show fans have lodged protests about the complete lack of accuracy and consistency in the world.

Charles Cross is a self-confessed reality show fanatic, who decided to “take it up a notch” by embarking on a real-life Survivor experience.

“I went to the Turks and Caicos islands with a group of friends,” explained Cross. “It was great at first – we ate food, and had drinks with umbrellas in. There were even a few romantic escapades. But time went on, and nothing much happened. We were not issued any challenges. At one point, I found a large bug. I ate it in front of everyone, but did not receive any bonus or immunity. People just said it was gross, and one lady was sick.”

At the end of the day, far from winning millions of dollars, Cross found that he was thousands of dollars in debt.

“Despite all the time I’d put in to make the realty work, they had charged me for everything – travel, food, drinks. I was disgusted.”

Cross says that many of his friends have since experienced similar disappointments, including one group who shared a house without arguments or serious incidents, and a female friend who has long dreamed of being a singer, but has never been offered a recording contract.

Psychologist Marlene Hibbett believes that we are seeing a disturbing trend, in which the world is shifting away from reality, and becoming a chaotic and irrational jumble of random events.

Said Hibbet, “Reality shows have set the bar high when it comes to showing us what is real, and people quite naturally expect these standards to apply across the board, But the sad fact is that although this planet bills itself as the real world, it is actually not realistic at all, compared to even the worst reality shows. The goals are poorly conceived, the contestants are uninteresting, and there’s no storyline to speak of.”

Hibbett warns that, without changes, sensible people will simply give up on jobs, careers and relationships, and stick to the TV versions, which do things properly.

“Employers and governments need to make sure that there is a way for men and women of all creeds and colors to form teams,” she said, “so they can kick out the people they hate the most. And, and the end of the day, there has to be only one winner. That’s what reality is about, and the world had better make some improvements if it wants to measure up and be considered real.”