@amandapalmer I'm down for trying to organize something in Oregon (EUG/PDX). But I have neither house nor $5000. any collaborators?

30 April, 2012 9:53 am via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@bluedance

Monica Sellers

I did that thing I do where I open my mouth and volunteer and end up in charge. Except I did it on the internet, and things got real, very fast. Which is interesting in and of its self because the internet is this intangible thing that is weaving it’s way from the fringes of reality into the core of what we do every day.

So what exactly am I referring to? I realize that this may be a confusing and/or vague tweet to a lot of you that follow me, then again, it may not be.

1.  Amanda Palmer. One of my favorite musicians/internet people/inspirations.  She’s pretty awesome, check her out.
2.  what exactly am I organizing? and why does it cost $5000? A kickstarted house party.

Amanda Palmer, London, Sept 2011

Let me backtrack to explain. Back in 2009 Amanda ditched her record label in an effort to gain control over her art and find new, better ways of making art happen. She also dove into being highly active with her fans, and while she might not be a household name like Lady Gaga, the fans that she does have are very dedicated. We’re a community of people an inspired and inspiring bunch that bridge the gap between social media and the real world. We’re working to change the status quo in business & art. I actually find this kind of thing so interesting that I wrote my dissertation on it. Now, three years later Amanda is ready to produce her next album.

Usually an artist gets the capital needed for an album/tour/etc from a record label. So instead of having a middle man to manage all the funds, as an independent artist, Amanda went straight to the fans through kickstarter which is platform people can use to crowdsource funds for various projects and offer rewards/incentives for donating more money (check out her guest blog on TechDirt about how she’s made this work). The smallest pledge amount to garner a reward on Amanda’s kickstarter? $1 will get you a digital download of the new album with limited kickstarter-only content. The reward levels go up to $10,000 and her initial goal ($100,000) was reached in just a few short hours. As I’m writing this now, less than a week after launch, the project is over half a million and at nearly 10,000 supporters.

This is where the needing a house and $5000 comes in. If you pledge $5000 you can get the reward of a private house party for up to 50 people. She comes and hangs out and plays music, and everyone has an awesome time. Awesome things happen.

I live in a 2 bedroom apartment (so it totally wasn’t happening here), and I couldn’t just buy one and invite 50 people. So why not reach out to all the other local fans and see if we couldn’t pool our resources. So many amazing things come of this. And to show the power of the internet and connecting people, it took less than 4 days to gather enough people to pledge the funds to make this project feasible. We even have had someone volunteer their house to have this house party up on the Columbia River Gorge (!).

Internet + awesome people = awesome things happening

because when the internet is used for social behavior, it becomes a type of community, becomes a place to make human connections.

Yeah, I’m taking a risk, putting the money down on my own credit card and waiting on the promises of 40-50 odd strangers to send me money. Without risk there is no reward. But it’s also a calculated decision in this case. These aren’t just any 40-50 odd strangers. These are highly active & dedicated fans of Amanda Palmer; they’re part of the community. Even though it’s something intangible, on the ephemeral waves of the internet, it’s something I’ve experienced traverse the boundaries between online and offline before. And it’s a powerful thing.

That said and done. Sometime next year I’ll be hanging out with some new friends and our favorite musician, enjoying life because we all took the chance to trust a stranger and make magic happen.

When I moved back to the states from Europe I wondered if I was falling backwards, not taking a challenge head on. I wasn’t exactly sure that I moved out fear of failure or as a calculated decision as the best way to keep up momentum. In hindsight I realize it was a bit of both. At the time I just kept moving. I knew if I let the momentum of my decision carry me forward I had a chance at making my choice work for me and not against. I chose to fall forward. And yes I fell. Moving back was not easy. I had to admit a failure of sorts as I did not do what I set out to do.

My mis-step, as it seemed at the time, carried me on to wonderful opportunities precisely because as I fell I made sure to fall forward. I’m lucky to say three very wonderful things about my life, regardless of my age I’ll always consider these things wonderful, but because of it, they seem especially so:

1. I get to use my degree in my work. Every day I use the things I learned in school, both of my degrees. Not many people, at any level can say that, especially with their first “real” job.
2. I earn enough money. period. I pay my bills, student loans and all, and I still have enough to do the things I love the most: dance & travel.
3. I have family and friends that love me for who I am, however strange I get. And they’re willing to help me out when I mis-step.

I think I get to say these things because I do not let mistakes though me off balance. I’m used to balancing precariously and I know how to a) regain my balance and b) use my momentum to move through a fall. I let the momentum of my movement, intentional or not, carry me forward.

So if you must fall, fall forwards, the rest will never know because you will appear to be moving with confidence.

When I don’t keep writing regularly I begin to fear the words on the page, what they might way, what they might mean. I fear how the words in my head sound to the rest of the world. Is there sense in them, however strange? What exactly do these things that I try to articulate say of me? So I keep the words in my head and I don’t write them.

When I don’t write I begin to fear the first onslaught of inspiration, that it will drown me or a draught will follow that first inspired fragment. I fear that I have forgotten the order of words and the order of logic until in a fit of restlessness and by the light of a cell phone I scribble madly on paper in the middle of the night, unable to contain another word in my head. Another thought cannot exist for the fear of losing the last for fear of capacity reached. If I don’t expel these words they’ll explode forth involuntarily at a time which I will be unable to capture them. There they will float off into the ether, lost to me. They will fall silent on the air, never heard, never written and never read.

Suddenly I write again.

So in an attempt to bridge the balance between writing and sitting in front of a computer I’m trying to pick up a pen and paper when I get a chance, then maybe I can just transcribe and continue sharing all the crazy thoughts and analogies that go through my head. Oh, and we’ll be ignoring that I have 2 new video games (a series) that I’ll probably be obsessing over for a few months because a tv is totally different from a computer screen and falls into the category of not a computer. Life is a strange balancing act, got to go run off and juggle it.

lunch at Rogue Brewery

Kites!

… but really, what other way would it be on the Oregon coast?

There’s just something about the Pacific Ocean that tells me I’m home. All the other ocean beaches I’ve been to have been somehow not right in my head. I guess I’ve never seen the Pacific from anywhere but the west coast of the US, but Oregon beaches have their own smell and feel that is deeply ingrained in me. It’s how a beach should be. Grassy dunes, strong winds and always a chance of rain, even in August.

near Newport

For a while now my dad and I have been wanting to get out of Eugene, but between only one of us working and me having ballet on Saturdays it just wasn’t happening. After some awful news about my uncle passing away suddenly (and me not being able to make the funeral in California), we knew, despite the weather that it was time to get out for a bit. The day was off and on nice and pissing down rain, but most importantly it was fun, and enjoyable.

this is my "yay ocean!" pose

There’s just something very centering about spending time outside. Sure, it probably has something to do with the sun and vitamin D, but I think it also cleans out those places deep down inside. It pokes a light at all your problems hiding in the corner of your mind and shows you what they are really made of. Knowing the size and shape of the beast doesn’t change the fact that it’s there, but at least you know which weapon to choose.

And there’s just something about outside that makes me want to be 5 again so it’s acceptable to run and jump off/over things. I mean, I do it anyway, because honestly, it’s fun, but I really wish more people would. What’s the point of being afraid of what people think or looking silly or falling? Every move is a chance to learn, every mistake a lesson. Letting your inner sense of adventure run wild is a chance to let go and learn to roll with what life gives you. So next time you think, hey that would be cool if… just do it. Hate to go all Nike on you, but seriously, just do it.

costumes, costumes everywhere

When I first found out I would be doing the pas de quatre aka the little swan variation I was skeptical. I didn’t even know if I could do it, let alone do it well enough to perform in front of people. I had never really has any choreography on pointe before, nor had I ever been very good at petite allegro. For those of you non-dancers petite allegro means small and quick… it also means lots of tiny precise jumps. Not my forté.

I struggled through issues with strength, muscle cramps and trusting myself that I could do it. The hardest part was letting myself just do what I knew how to do and not worrying if I could actually do it. No one move in the pas de quatre is all that hard on its own. When put together, on pointe, and mixed with the speed and precision needed to perform the pas de quatre in tandem with three other dancers suddenly it becomes a challenging sprint.

Each repetition improved over the last. By the weekend of the performance I had gone from feeling unskilled to feeling that I could do the variation. Sure it wasn’t the best performance ever of the pas de quatre from Swan Lake, but I was able to do it. There’s something to be said for that. If I can start dancing at 19 and do that variation 6 years later (with 4 years of inconsistent training), nothing is impossible. It just takes dedication and passion.

do what you love . love what you do

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, and it provides plenty of moments for distraction and variety, but even though I have another 6-7 hours after I get off work each day I’ve found myself not doing much with them. I no longer have the luxury of time. I cannot wait until later to do something or spontaneously reorganize my day so that I can do things in the order my mind wants to do them.

I’ve yet to really figure out how to best get myself doing things. I don’t want to be a person who has a job and let’s the rest fall away. The back of my mind is hiding the fear that I’ll become another worker drone. It’s that fear that keeps me trying because I don’t want to find myself two years down the road and having to start over, rebuilding habits that make me the person I want to be. The fear feeds on by how spread out my friends are. I rarely see them and for most we don’t often have the time to talk. It makes me feel like a recluse.

When I got back to the states I didn’t see myself staying in Eugene for long. It was one of those things I swore I wouldn’t do. I imagined I would find an interim job and within a year I would be somewhere else. I’d be moving on again. For seven years that’s what I’d done. As much as I wanted to settle somewhere, I hadn’t wanted to settle in Eugene. I know this town and instead of that being a comfort I find myself jaded by the things around me.

So I’m working to remember the way I would look at London when the sights became familiar and their beauty had a comforting effect. I’m trying to look at Eugene with those eyes, trying to look at a town I’ve seen so many times with wonder and curiosity, a little slice of warm fuzzy comfort.

My expectations of leaving meant I did my best to keep my distance and stay disassociated from anything or anyone new. I didn’t seek out any life outside of the people I already had, my family, my extended family. So I find myself at a turning point, I take this life and run with it or… well honestly I don’t know what the alternative is. Whatever it is, it probably isn’t very me. So the plan, per usual, is to take what I have and push it as far as it goes, to see what it’s made of and where it might take me. It’s been a good plan to me so far.

Friday before last I received a job offer. Based off the interview, the brand, and general nature of the job I can honestly say that hearing no that many times was definitely worth it. If even one of those no’s had been a yes I wouldn’t have had this amazing opportunity. Because if I had had a job, my god-father like person would not have talked to one of his clients about how awesome I am, which means I wouldn’t have sent them my resume, and they would never have seen the video that made salt interesting, and wouldn’t have hired me half an hour after my interview for a position they had just created.

They said yes, and so did I.

After two days of work I can still say I’m on that new experience high. I love the office and the environment. It’s only day two and their asking me for my opinion and taking what I say into serious consideration. Even though I’m young my coworkers just see me as another inquisitive, creative, strategic brain. There’s no struggle to prove myself. And all the perks can’t hurt either. We’ll see how it goes, but I have high hopes. Besides, I’ll spend most of my days on various social media and really, if there’s something I know, it’s social.

So, yes, at last I have a job, and it’s in my field, and it’s for a company that I can stand behind. Just gonna tip my hat to lady luck on this one.

My job search started with updating my resume, mirroring & elaborating it on my linkedin profile and trying to form a coherent cover letter for each application. In seven months my resume has been rewritten close to thirty times, and redesigned 3, my digital footprint has taken an a complete overhaul, and I’ve written enough cover letters to fill a novella. In the entire process I haven’t received a single word of feedback from a potential employer about why I did or didn’t make the cut.

a little inspiration

What I did learn:

• I applied for a lot of jobs I didn’t really want
• Being “me” got more response than shoveling keywords into a resume and/or cover letter
• Sometimes you get an interview because they’ve got a bet going on whether or not you’re for real
• In the end, sticking to my morals and not compromising (fuck plan B) was the hardest thing, but the best thing

Being unemployed for six months I was ready to take anything, or so I kept saying. I just wanted a job, any job, at least that was my mantra. Something to pay the bills and get me out of the house. I kept squashing the little voice that pipped up with sounds of dread at the office jobs and receptionist positions. It kept reminding me that I’m not good at sitting mostly still for 8 straight hours, but I needed a job, a job that was a stepping stool, so I squished it.

But thankfully I didn’t squash it entirely. I’d been writing some mildly impassioned and keyword ridden cover letters in a hope to get past an HR person somewhere. I sent out so many, I lost count. I can count the number of interviews I’ve been offered on both my hands (7). Out of those 7 interviews I only wanted 1 of the jobs. Those interviews all stemmed from cover letters I wrote when I had become fed up and bored with trying to sound like the perfect employee.

Being “me” in my letters won me those 4 of those 7 interviews. In those letters I wrote about my passions, I told stories, and created visual forays into my brain. I think this approach worked because it showed who I was, as a person, and not as a set of skills and accomplishments. It also led me to a job with a business that seems to be on board with how I think and work (more about this in a later post).

I’m almost certain one of my interviews occurred because they couldn’t quite believe a mid-twenty something could have lived in Europe for 2 years and already have her master’s degree. My favorite line from that day was, “you have an M.A.? …. but you’re 12!” a lot of ageism going on in that, and being intimidated by an intelligent young person. A good friend of mine suggested that my writing was too intelligent, that I shouldn’t mention my time in Europe or my second degree, because it intimidated people. I briefly thought about it, in the way I thought I would take any job offered me. I realized that I couldn’t work for anyone who couldn’t deal with me being educated and a world traveller. That’s who I am, I’m always very much myself and don’t like to hide behind façades, it just wouldn’t do to have to pretend at work.

That said, I found a job, I got it by telling my story in my own way. I also used the word ephemeral to describe Twitter in comparison to Facebook during the interview; I got high-fived.

My advice in job searching: be you. Stop omitting or exaggerating. Tell them your story.

Jen Kingwell (1/2 of) The Jane Austen Argument, Aladdin Theater November 2011

Then this morning I got to download a pre-release of an album by one of my favorite bands The Jane Austen Argument.* I’m listening to songs I know and songs I’ve heard live and songs I’ve never heard. I’m plugged into the living room surround sound and I’ve got these words echoing around me. The song comes on and I realize I heard them play it live in London, words that echoed with me then hit me anew: I’ve got to maintain the madness / Just so the stillness makes sense to me. I’m one of those people who must keep busy to keep sane. I want to be involved and doing. It makes me happy to have actions, physical things to do. Perhaps that’s why I have such a fascination with the digital/real crossover. And then, when I have stillness, it isn’t overwhelming, it’s part of the flow of life.

Life, right now, is a strange amalgamation of stress and bliss. Sure I’m unemployed and don’t have the money to do what I need to be doing (paying bills) or what I want to be doing (dancing more, traveling). I do, however, have the fortune to have my father let me stay with him until I’m on my feet again. The good outweighs the bad. Even though the my friends are spread to the far corners of the globe we still manage to find an hour here and there to reconnect. I have an amazing extended family through my aunts. They aren’t really, but, really, they are. I also have an amazing mentor who’s been keen to keep in contact for the last 7 years. I’m taking dance classes 3 times a week and my apartment complex has a 24-hour gym. I’m doing anything and everything I can. It’s not my normal maddening pace, and it’s certainly not my normal fare, but all these little things are helping the stillness of this period in my life makes sense.

I don’t want to jinx it, but, I made it through to the final round of interviews for a position that could drastically change my life and would mean moving by the end of summer. And one of my dream jobs just opened up at one of my dream employers, which would also mean moving. Possibility is in the air and I’m snatching at it like a cat with a milk jug tie.

All these things fill me up with endorphins, little pockets of happiness that keep me going and sort out the stillness. So while some days I wake up and the funk of unrealized dreams settles in, more often I wake up and remember what it’s like to put one foot in front of the other and find a reason to smile.

* Oh the joys of sponsoring art on Kickstarter (and their ilk). Also, The Jane Austen Argument is a lovely duo both musically and in person. Also, check out their new album Somewhere Under the Rainbow