Jen Kingwell (1/2 of) The Jane Austen Argument, Aladdin Theater November 2011

Then this morning I got to download a pre-release of an album by one of my favorite bands The Jane Austen Argument.* I’m listening to songs I know and songs I’ve heard live and songs I’ve never heard. I’m plugged into the living room surround sound and I’ve got these words echoing around me. The song comes on and I realize I heard them play it live in London, words that echoed with me then hit me anew: I’ve got to maintain the madness / Just so the stillness makes sense to me. I’m one of those people who must keep busy to keep sane. I want to be involved and doing. It makes me happy to have actions, physical things to do. Perhaps that’s why I have such a fascination with the digital/real crossover. And then, when I have stillness, it isn’t overwhelming, it’s part of the flow of life.

Life, right now, is a strange amalgamation of stress and bliss. Sure I’m unemployed and don’t have the money to do what I need to be doing (paying bills) or what I want to be doing (dancing more, traveling). I do, however, have the fortune to have my father let me stay with him until I’m on my feet again. The good outweighs the bad. Even though the my friends are spread to the far corners of the globe we still manage to find an hour here and there to reconnect. I have an amazing extended family through my aunts. They aren’t really, but, really, they are. I also have an amazing mentor who’s been keen to keep in contact for the last 7 years. I’m taking dance classes 3 times a week and my apartment complex has a 24-hour gym. I’m doing anything and everything I can. It’s not my normal maddening pace, and it’s certainly not my normal fare, but all these little things are helping the stillness of this period in my life makes sense.

I don’t want to jinx it, but, I made it through to the final round of interviews for a position that could drastically change my life and would mean moving by the end of summer. And one of my dream jobs just opened up at one of my dream employers, which would also mean moving. Possibility is in the air and I’m snatching at it like a cat with a milk jug tie.

All these things fill me up with endorphins, little pockets of happiness that keep me going and sort out the stillness. So while some days I wake up and the funk of unrealized dreams settles in, more often I wake up and remember what it’s like to put one foot in front of the other and find a reason to smile.

* Oh the joys of sponsoring art on Kickstarter (and their ilk). Also, The Jane Austen Argument is a lovely duo both musically and in person. Also, check out their new album Somewhere Under the Rainbow

When the alarm goes off and even the movement of flicking the snooze button seems futile I almost wonder if it would be better to just give in. When hopelessness settles in before 10am how could anyone face the day?

When you’ve sent out so many resumés you couldn’t count them if you tried and you’ve received fewer responses than you have fingers on one hand, you’re over qualified or under qualified, you’re feeling the worse for relying on someone else entirely for the food in your belly and the roof over your head. When you know that one person’s salary doesn’t cover the bills and necessities, let alone your obsession with dance, and you’re staring at that absurdly large number that is your student debt. When most of your friends are 100s of miles away. When it feels like the only thing you have left to control in this world is how it all appears… you hit the gym, and find you live in a really clean house.

That is, once peel yourself up off the floor, fight every voice screaming in dissent in your head and put on your running shoes. Those dirty white and pink things you got at a last chance sale two years ago; they make you cringe, but at least they do their job. The things you can control: how clean the house is, how many times you get out of the house each day, how much water you drink and what you eat. These things feel futile, and insignificant when you look at your bank balance. You find yourself facing the problems and worries of every lower-middle class citizen (though I’m sure most don’t have my obsession with dance.) It’s a delicate balance between surviving and losing the battle. But to win it, you have to take charge. By putting on the shoes and getting off the couch you’re making an active decision to do something. Once you remind yourself what actually doing and accomplishing feels like, all the words that you repeat, that loved ones repeat, become comforting truths instead of  cold empty placations, instead of excuses.

it’s the economy. that wasn’t the right job. things are still okay, some of it’s actually going well. you’re fortunate to have what you do have. you’ll get a job soon. 

weee! endorphins!

The words push through the wall of futility, fight back the voices of dissent and ring with truth instead of a hollow hope. You get up off the floor and put on your running shoes because you’re in charge. You control what you can and let go of what you can’t. There’s no use in giving in, because then you’ve let them win, every person who ever told you no. And really, you can’t let that happen, because you’re a game changer, a do-er. Besides, all those mornings at the gym means you fit in that dress/pair of pants/suit you bought a year ago and haven’t worn since and nothing looks better at an interview than an honestly confident & comfortable person. All those endorphins can’t hurt either.

Also, the first thing you’re buying once you land that job is a new pair of running shoes because you really can’t abide the pink any longer.

the chosen photo

When you’re job searching in the digital era you become acutely aware of what your online presence says about you. If you don’t, you’re probably not working at a job that involves much computer time. After 3 1/2 months of writing cover letters, re-touching my resumé and attending multiple interviews I decided it was time to rewrite my web presence.

People grow and change, and the web is ever reminding us of that thing that happened a year ago, or five years ago because information on the web is sticky. Unlike the spoken word it is not ephemeral. Did you know there’s an internet archive? there is. So it’s likely that bad geocities site you put up in 2002 hasn’t died yet.

I’m comfortable with a camera in hand so I knew a new headshot would be a good place to start, but it’s ever so awkward taking photos of yourself, and the let-me-hold-my-camera-at-arms-length isn’t exactly the most flattering or professional look. Luckily for me I have my gear again now that I’m back stateside. So, up goes the tripod, down come the posters on the wall… and oh, move that lamp over there. Between my big double window and 3 daylight lamps I had some pretty good lighting going on. I just had to figure out how to make my subject behave. I’m so much better behind the camera. Also, I’m definitely asking for a remote with my next camera body. Must have stood up/sat down at least 100 times.

I thought about what I wanted to portray, and I decided to simply be me. I did normal make-up, normal I’ve-not-even-brushed-you-yet hair and a tank top. If I’m not in a leotard, I’m probably in a tank top or a t-shirt, so however “unprofessional” it may look, it’s honest, and more me than if I put on a button up. Of course, as with any photo shoot, it’s hard to stay serious in every photo. Here are some of my better moments.

some of the more amusing out takes

Even the out takes say something about me, and I feel they’re a big part of the story too. The 2nd image became the background for my about.me page the 4th my new Facebook profile, though 5 and 8 might be making an appearance. Though honestly any one of these would suite. It’s obvious that these pictures all belong to the same person, buy simply using variations of headshots I can create a deeper picture of myself across social networks, should anyone care to look. And since I want to work in digital media, they should be.

Over the past week I’ve rewritten my resume and tightened up the copy I use from place to place to describe me, what I’ve done and what I do. I haven’t rewritten the book or reinvented myself, but I have brought everything up to date. It’s who I am right now, the person who’s trying to get hired and make her way in this crazy world. I even rewrote my bio page for my blog. (It still said I was 24, eep!)

To convince someone to trust you enough to hire you it’s essential to be able to explain yourself and your work quickly and consistently. It’s even more important now that a potential employer can jump online and double check most of what you’ve told them. If your work involves a digital field it makes this coherence even more important. For me, as someone who deals with communication and presence on a daily basis, if I can’t cohesively describe myself, how could I possibly do it for a client?

I’m doing really well in my dance, education, travel and miscellaneous categories… not so much with cooking. I’ve been cooking lots, just nothing that’s on my list!

Some of my highlights so far:

• pirouetting on pointe. It’s a feeling of floating, defying gravity, and pure amazingness.
• I graduated with my MA, receiving a Merit overall and a Distinction on my dissertation.
• I went skydiving. There’s nothing quite like it.
• I went to 5 new countries and more than 10 new cities

Some of the things I’m looking forward to:

• Learning how to do a backflip (really need to get on that one).
• Eating in a Michelin Starred restaurant.
• Taking a cooking class.
• Going berry/fruit picking.

It’s really interesting to see what I’ve done just by living my life (visiting all those places) and what’s come from deliberate work/concentration (pirouetting on pointe, getting my MA). Of course there’s planning going on in the living my life.

I’ve got another year and a half until this set is over and I get to imagine another 101 things to do. I love this so much more than a bucket list, because it can be practical as well as fun and there’s a deadline to work towards. It isn’t some ephemeral “end of my life” end date; it’s a concrete chunk of time. It’s a reminder as well, that as we live and grow, we change. What we wanted 2 years ago may not be what we want to do today. So, here’s to doing things, and meeting goals, learning things, and never, ever, stopping for one day to not live.

I’ve been in here for a while, not seeing much of you, except the parts that let me let go. I’ve been dancing to save me and retreating back here behind these walls, safe, letting it all wash over me and away. But I’ve been working to find my way back out and into you. It’s hard though, with the economy what it is, in a town like this. So much potential and possibility being thwarted by what other people do and say. I’m working to put life in motion, make what I can from what I have. I’ve been watching from within these four walls, watching the things I love change.

My country is doing things that make no sense, and no one seems to understand which way to go and we’re pulling ourselves in every direction looking for an answer. No one seems to listen to the ones that are making any sense. Then again, it all depends upon your answer of common sense.

I watched my friends graduate in a video, and tore my heart apart knowing that I should have been there, and if I had gotten life to work out I would have been, but life’s been slow in getting sorted. And I wonder who my friends are with this silent phone of mine, we’ve all grown and moved away. Even in this hyper connected era we’ve lost connection. The digital falls away when we lack face to face, ear to ear.

So here I am world, inside these four walls, trying to connect and make dreams from dust. Day by day trying to venture further from here and find a place to stand, screaming: Hello, World, I know you’re there, here I am.

Yesterday a friend of mine posted about starting her day by writing 999 words in 15 minutes. I was curious, so I clicked through to the website: 750 words. It’s simple. It has one purpose, and then it has these nifty analytic tools too. Knowing that I really just wanted to get the words flowing and my brain working I decided to give it a shot. Even if nothing share-worthy or publishable ever comes out of my morning ramblings, maybe it will at least clear my head enough to get me thinking on other things during the day.

I’ve only done two days so far, but I’m finding it easier than I thought, and quicker than I thought to ramble on for 750 words. I haven’t spent more than 13 minutes (per session) on writing yet, but am surpassing the “goal”. I think once I get past some of this rambling stress about jobs (or lack thereof) and money, I might actually do some thinking about things my writing. I plan to keep this up. It’s a good cathartic diary-esque digital thing. It feels right to write there – like finding a good notebook.

I’m also blogging every day this month; November & December were sparse months for posts and I want to grow this little blog this year. I also want to better articulate what I’m writing about on this blog. I know it’s mine and I can write whatever I want, but well, I’d like to pick some general topics and really delve into them from time to time.

I’ve also got a few stories in the works, and some inklings on expanding my dissertation…

We’ll see where my writing gets me this year.

showing some duck love for the 2011 national championship game

When I was little team pride was awash in green and yellow. A fluffy duck, Donald’s twin, adorned everything. It made it easy for a little girl to love football, especially a little tomboy. At age eight, I sat across from a toe-haired boy in my class at lunch. The champions for the Rose Bowl had just been announced Oregon vs. Penn State. I was a staunch Oregon supporter and he was a die-hard Penn State fan. Oh, the things we inherit from our parents. So heated was our debate (over who would win) that neither of us touched our lunches, this earned us an extra long time seated at the lunch table while everyone else was excused for recess – which only served to prolong our heated debate, which I’m sure consisted of eloquent arguments like, “Oregon is gunna win!” “Nuh, uh, Penn State is better!” I can only imagine what the lunch ladies thought of the two munchkins arguing over a football game!

As it happened, 11 years later I became a duck in name as well as spirit. I matriculated in 2005 and graduated four years later. During my time there it was always something to be part of the crazy student body bedecked in bright yellow and every shade of green imaginable, though it wasn’t until I ended my time at the UO that I really became proud to be a duck.

Fast forward to last night: Rose Bowl 2012. This was the 3rd time in my life that I had seen the ducks make their way to the top of the Pac 10 12 and to the bowl game. In 1995, Penn State won, and again in 2010 the ducks lost to Ohio State. Last night. Up against Wisconsin, winning meant more than it had at those previous games. Four straight years we’d made it to a bowl game, those first three years we lost. Then, for the first time in 95 years, Oregon won the Rose Bowl. I can’t quite explain the school pride, that we won, that we’re doing well not only in sports, but academically as well. The UO has been making waves lately. Sometimes it’s good to be a duck.

Someone please protest that last phrase because there’s no way I’m old enough to have the adult label attached to me. Though I suppose I’ll be protesting that idea for quite some time, it’s been going on for the last few years. I’ve even started doing adult things, like buying a bed, so this might just be a case of the lady doth protest too much.

Keeping with the theme of beginnings, 5 things I plan on beginning:

• a job
• writing more
• exercising/dance more consistently
• practicing music more often

I’ll elaborate more in the coming days, but for now I’ll bask in the feeling of potential that the changing of the year brings.

// edit: well, that would be 4 things, not 5. This is what I get for writing late at night and scheduling posts. ha!

to add a 5th, something I’ve been thinking about for a while:

• cook/bake more things I haven’t made before

2011 started off in london, short days, lots of pretty lights, old friends & lots of ballet

then i found myself in wales, i continued with my penchant for climbing things, chiefly castles. i like to pretend that i’m awesome and covertly storming the castle.

spring (and summer) brought in some pretty epic sunsets, and some lovely lightly clouded days with friends from all corners of the globe.

i collaborated and created a 10 minute modern piece with some lovely girls, some of us went on to create a short lived dance group.

i visited home and stood before the power of the pacific ocean.

then came back to england to find myself walking down a path to face off the white cliffs of dover crashing into the english channel.

i found myself in ireland, buffeted by wind and awed by beauty.

dublin became one of my favorite cities.

london turned sunny, i met up with some old friends and moved into a new flat.

i left behind warmth and sun in london for rain in copenhagen, but there was a lot of ballet, and i got to hang out with miss d, so it was all worth it.

i saw amanda palmer & neil gaiman 4 times between september and november, oh and i met the jane austen argument

after two years in europe, i found myself at stonehenge. well, it looks like the picture!

back to ireland & northern ireland. i stood on a cliff and did silly things and was continually awed by everything i saw.

then i moved home. there’s nothing quite like fall in the pnw.