the chosen photo

When you’re job searching in the digital era you become acutely aware of what your online presence says about you. If you don’t, you’re probably not working at a job that involves much computer time. After 3 1/2 months of writing cover letters, re-touching my resumé and attending multiple interviews I decided it was time to rewrite my web presence.

People grow and change, and the web is ever reminding us of that thing that happened a year ago, or five years ago because information on the web is sticky. Unlike the spoken word it is not ephemeral. Did you know there’s an internet archive? there is. So it’s likely that bad geocities site you put up in 2002 hasn’t died yet.

I’m comfortable with a camera in hand so I knew a new headshot would be a good place to start, but it’s ever so awkward taking photos of yourself, and the let-me-hold-my-camera-at-arms-length isn’t exactly the most flattering or professional look. Luckily for me I have my gear again now that I’m back stateside. So, up goes the tripod, down come the posters on the wall… and oh, move that lamp over there. Between my big double window and 3 daylight lamps I had some pretty good lighting going on. I just had to figure out how to make my subject behave. I’m so much better behind the camera. Also, I’m definitely asking for a remote with my next camera body. Must have stood up/sat down at least 100 times.

I thought about what I wanted to portray, and I decided to simply be me. I did normal make-up, normal I’ve-not-even-brushed-you-yet hair and a tank top. If I’m not in a leotard, I’m probably in a tank top or a t-shirt, so however “unprofessional” it may look, it’s honest, and more me than if I put on a button up. Of course, as with any photo shoot, it’s hard to stay serious in every photo. Here are some of my better moments.

some of the more amusing out takes

Even the out takes say something about me, and I feel they’re a big part of the story too. The 2nd image became the background for my about.me page the 4th my new Facebook profile, though 5 and 8 might be making an appearance. Though honestly any one of these would suite. It’s obvious that these pictures all belong to the same person, buy simply using variations of headshots I can create a deeper picture of myself across social networks, should anyone care to look. And since I want to work in digital media, they should be.

Over the past week I’ve rewritten my resume and tightened up the copy I use from place to place to describe me, what I’ve done and what I do. I haven’t rewritten the book or reinvented myself, but I have brought everything up to date. It’s who I am right now, the person who’s trying to get hired and make her way in this crazy world. I even rewrote my bio page for my blog. (It still said I was 24, eep!)

To convince someone to trust you enough to hire you it’s essential to be able to explain yourself and your work quickly and consistently. It’s even more important now that a potential employer can jump online and double check most of what you’ve told them. If your work involves a digital field it makes this coherence even more important. For me, as someone who deals with communication and presence on a daily basis, if I can’t cohesively describe myself, how could I possibly do it for a client?

I’m doing really well in my dance, education, travel and miscellaneous categories… not so much with cooking. I’ve been cooking lots, just nothing that’s on my list!

Some of my highlights so far:

• pirouetting on pointe. It’s a feeling of floating, defying gravity, and pure amazingness.
• I graduated with my MA, receiving a Merit overall and a Distinction on my dissertation.
• I went skydiving. There’s nothing quite like it.
• I went to 5 new countries and more than 10 new cities

Some of the things I’m looking forward to:

• Learning how to do a backflip (really need to get on that one).
• Eating in a Michelin Starred restaurant.
• Taking a cooking class.
• Going berry/fruit picking.

It’s really interesting to see what I’ve done just by living my life (visiting all those places) and what’s come from deliberate work/concentration (pirouetting on pointe, getting my MA). Of course there’s planning going on in the living my life.

I’ve got another year and a half until this set is over and I get to imagine another 101 things to do. I love this so much more than a bucket list, because it can be practical as well as fun and there’s a deadline to work towards. It isn’t some ephemeral “end of my life” end date; it’s a concrete chunk of time. It’s a reminder as well, that as we live and grow, we change. What we wanted 2 years ago may not be what we want to do today. So, here’s to doing things, and meeting goals, learning things, and never, ever, stopping for one day to not live.

I’ve been in here for a while, not seeing much of you, except the parts that let me let go. I’ve been dancing to save me and retreating back here behind these walls, safe, letting it all wash over me and away. But I’ve been working to find my way back out and into you. It’s hard though, with the economy what it is, in a town like this. So much potential and possibility being thwarted by what other people do and say. I’m working to put life in motion, make what I can from what I have. I’ve been watching from within these four walls, watching the things I love change.

My country is doing things that make no sense, and no one seems to understand which way to go and we’re pulling ourselves in every direction looking for an answer. No one seems to listen to the ones that are making any sense. Then again, it all depends upon your answer of common sense.

I watched my friends graduate in a video, and tore my heart apart knowing that I should have been there, and if I had gotten life to work out I would have been, but life’s been slow in getting sorted. And I wonder who my friends are with this silent phone of mine, we’ve all grown and moved away. Even in this hyper connected era we’ve lost connection. The digital falls away when we lack face to face, ear to ear.

So here I am world, inside these four walls, trying to connect and make dreams from dust. Day by day trying to venture further from here and find a place to stand, screaming: Hello, World, I know you’re there, here I am.

Yesterday a friend of mine posted about starting her day by writing 999 words in 15 minutes. I was curious, so I clicked through to the website: 750 words. It’s simple. It has one purpose, and then it has these nifty analytic tools too. Knowing that I really just wanted to get the words flowing and my brain working I decided to give it a shot. Even if nothing share-worthy or publishable ever comes out of my morning ramblings, maybe it will at least clear my head enough to get me thinking on other things during the day.

I’ve only done two days so far, but I’m finding it easier than I thought, and quicker than I thought to ramble on for 750 words. I haven’t spent more than 13 minutes (per session) on writing yet, but am surpassing the “goal”. I think once I get past some of this rambling stress about jobs (or lack thereof) and money, I might actually do some thinking about things my writing. I plan to keep this up. It’s a good cathartic diary-esque digital thing. It feels right to write there – like finding a good notebook.

I’m also blogging every day this month; November & December were sparse months for posts and I want to grow this little blog this year. I also want to better articulate what I’m writing about on this blog. I know it’s mine and I can write whatever I want, but well, I’d like to pick some general topics and really delve into them from time to time.

I’ve also got a few stories in the works, and some inklings on expanding my dissertation…

We’ll see where my writing gets me this year.

showing some duck love for the 2011 national championship game

When I was little team pride was awash in green and yellow. A fluffy duck, Donald’s twin, adorned everything. It made it easy for a little girl to love football, especially a little tomboy. At age eight, I sat across from a toe-haired boy in my class at lunch. The champions for the Rose Bowl had just been announced Oregon vs. Penn State. I was a staunch Oregon supporter and he was a die-hard Penn State fan. Oh, the things we inherit from our parents. So heated was our debate (over who would win) that neither of us touched our lunches, this earned us an extra long time seated at the lunch table while everyone else was excused for recess – which only served to prolong our heated debate, which I’m sure consisted of eloquent arguments like, “Oregon is gunna win!” “Nuh, uh, Penn State is better!” I can only imagine what the lunch ladies thought of the two munchkins arguing over a football game!

As it happened, 11 years later I became a duck in name as well as spirit. I matriculated in 2005 and graduated four years later. During my time there it was always something to be part of the crazy student body bedecked in bright yellow and every shade of green imaginable, though it wasn’t until I ended my time at the UO that I really became proud to be a duck.

Fast forward to last night: Rose Bowl 2012. This was the 3rd time in my life that I had seen the ducks make their way to the top of the Pac 10 12 and to the bowl game. In 1995, Penn State won, and again in 2010 the ducks lost to Ohio State. Last night. Up against Wisconsin, winning meant more than it had at those previous games. Four straight years we’d made it to a bowl game, those first three years we lost. Then, for the first time in 95 years, Oregon won the Rose Bowl. I can’t quite explain the school pride, that we won, that we’re doing well not only in sports, but academically as well. The UO has been making waves lately. Sometimes it’s good to be a duck.

Someone please protest that last phrase because there’s no way I’m old enough to have the adult label attached to me. Though I suppose I’ll be protesting that idea for quite some time, it’s been going on for the last few years. I’ve even started doing adult things, like buying a bed, so this might just be a case of the lady doth protest too much.

Keeping with the theme of beginnings, 5 things I plan on beginning:

• a job
• writing more
• exercising/dance more consistently
• practicing music more often

I’ll elaborate more in the coming days, but for now I’ll bask in the feeling of potential that the changing of the year brings.

// edit: well, that would be 4 things, not 5. This is what I get for writing late at night and scheduling posts. ha!

to add a 5th, something I’ve been thinking about for a while:

• cook/bake more things I haven’t made before

2011 started off in london, short days, lots of pretty lights, old friends & lots of ballet

then i found myself in wales, i continued with my penchant for climbing things, chiefly castles. i like to pretend that i’m awesome and covertly storming the castle.

spring (and summer) brought in some pretty epic sunsets, and some lovely lightly clouded days with friends from all corners of the globe.

i collaborated and created a 10 minute modern piece with some lovely girls, some of us went on to create a short lived dance group.

i visited home and stood before the power of the pacific ocean.

then came back to england to find myself walking down a path to face off the white cliffs of dover crashing into the english channel.

i found myself in ireland, buffeted by wind and awed by beauty.

dublin became one of my favorite cities.

london turned sunny, i met up with some old friends and moved into a new flat.

i left behind warmth and sun in london for rain in copenhagen, but there was a lot of ballet, and i got to hang out with miss d, so it was all worth it.

i saw amanda palmer & neil gaiman 4 times between september and november, oh and i met the jane austen argument

after two years in europe, i found myself at stonehenge. well, it looks like the picture!

back to ireland & northern ireland. i stood on a cliff and did silly things and was continually awed by everything i saw.

then i moved home. there’s nothing quite like fall in the pnw.

I pause to think and find myself staring back at myself. The window reflection me looks uncertain about what she sees as if I’ve missed a step or forgotten something rather important. I look away, anywhere else, but the eyes that are peeling me apart, layer by layer. I skim through notes and scribbles and resumes on my desk… my dissertation is sitting there as well, collecting dust. Then it’s back to my computer, an open word document and a few webpages – job postings. Jobs that aren’t what I really want, but something I’m being to desperately need.

The new year is nearly here and it just feels like another day, not that I’d know the difference. The days all seem to mush together, I’m lucky if I know when it is anymore. I look up again and realize I don’t really want to face any of it. This is my nightly routine, and this one’s gone on too long. There’s a certain feeling of self-pity, and certain disdain for the situation. I’ve realized slowly that I’d rather be doing something productive and useful, anything, that sitting with little to do but work on my own projects.

I find my procrastination becomes worse the less I have to do, not because I have more time, but because I have so little to occupy it – I’m unwilling to let go of the last thing that gives me some sort of purpose.

It’s the truth, but it’s also an excuse because I’ve let it get in my way. Attitude plays a big part in anything we do with our lives. So, I’m turning up the music to drown out the frogs and I’m making faces in my night-mirror. I’ve got things to do yet and they might as well get done.

Before I got to the theater this morning I had misgivings. But then it hit me again, the vibrating energy of back stage. Everyone working to create the ephemeral art that is dance, is theatre. Putting on costumes, makeup, characters. The air is electrified; nervousness & calm crawl across everyone’s skin, excitement & worry thrown in for good measure. And the wait. You’re ready, but there’s more to be done, it’s just not for you to do.

The curtain is up, the house is dark, you’re walking through your steps in your head, but you are someone else moving a few steps behind the image reel in your mind. Backstage you hear the company dancers and stage hands exchange a few jokes. The kind of repertoire that only comes from spending all your time working on art and magic. It’s a familiar breath in the game of hurry up and wait.

I miss creating. I miss being a part of a team and working towards something, taking material and turning it over in our hands, in our minds, our bodies. Performance is messy and hard, but it’s one of the most beautiful things. It is the ultimate compromise, everyone works together or it doesn’t work.

Looking at the news every day, it’s hard to find something to latch onto, someone I can fit myself to work towards something better. With wars, a poor economy, people making irrational laws, it’s hard to see the point of it all. I don’t know how to make it work out in the end, but I understand people, the good in them, the bad. Art, performance. I understand inspiration and faith in someone. Each of us has a role to play; we never find it the way we think we will. For me, I know that every day I spend with this feeling of elation in my heart is one day I spend skipping gaily down the path before me. A path which feels the beginnings of purpose again.

• No isn’t the end, because it means the beginning of something else. I can take other opportunities, that might end up being better opportunities, because I wasn’t picked for this particular position.
• No doesn’t mean a denial of talent or ability. My latest rejection letter complimented my design skills, a previous rejection phone call invited me to apply for other positions opening in their office.
• No is evidence of effort. If you aren’t putting yourself out there, you’ll never hear the word no. If you aren’t striving for something you aren’t taking any risks. And the only things worth chasing in this life come from taking risks.

So instead of letting a rejection get to me and become an excuse to give up, it’s fueling fire for me to work harder. The harder I work, the better chance I have of someone saying yes, the more times people see my work, the better known I’ll become, the more times I inquire about positions the more I might hear about new opportunities. I know it sounds a bit like I live in a delusion, where everything works out just because that’s how it goes, but that isn’t it. Things only work out, I mean really work out, when people work. Don’t count me out just because life keeps telling me no. Maybe it’s not telling me no so much as it’s telling me I’m looking in the wrong places.