Tour Dates

4/25 - Uncasville, CT - Mohegan Sun Arena
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

4/26 - Uncasville, CT - Mohegan Sun Arena
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

4/30 - Albany, NY - Times Union Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/1 - Baltimore, MD - 1st Mariner
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/2 - Newark, NJ - Prudential Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/3 - Nassau, NY - Nassau Coliseum
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/7 - Pittsburgh, PA - Mellon Arena
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/8 - Toronto, Canada - Air Canada Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/9 - Philadelphia, PA - Wachovia Spectrum
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/10 - Manchester, NH - Verizon
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/14 - Cleveland, OH - Quicken Loans
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/15 - St. Louis, MO - Scottrade Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/16 - Kansas City, MO - Sprint Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/17 - Denver, CO - Pepsi Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/21 - Salt Lake City, UT - E Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/22 - Las Vegas, NV - The Pearl at The Palms
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/23 - Las Vegas, NV - The Pearl at The Palms
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/24 - Las Vegas, NV - The Pearl at The Palms
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/28 - Phoenix, AZ - Jobbing.com Arena
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/29 - San Diego, CA - Sports Arena
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/30 - Los Angeles, CA - Staples Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

5/31 - San Jose, CA - HP Pavilion
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/4 - Vancouver - GM Place
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/5 - Seattle, WA - Key Arena
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/6 - Portland, OR - Rosegarden
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/7 - Edmonton - Rexall Place
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/11 - Omaha, NE - Qwest Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/12 - Detroit, MI - Palace of Auburn Hills
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/13 - Minneapolis, MN - Target Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/14 - Chicago, IL - United Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/18 - Tulsa, OK - BOK Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/19 - Dallas, TX - American Airlines Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/20 - Houston, TX - Toyota Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/21 - New Orleans, LA - Lake Front Arena
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/25 - Columbia, SC - Colonial Center
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/26 - Orlando, FL - Amway
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS

6/27 - Atlanta, GA - Philips
TICKETS - VIP TICKETS
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/88/ Sun, 08 Mar 2009 18:32:33 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/88/ Dane Cook News RSS
Is finished!

Two years in the making. Months of prep for one very unique night of comedy. There is a great twist with this show. I can't give it away yet but keep your eye on this page and my links. I'm going to be adding some cool upgrades to my sites. You and I will be closer than ever!

ISolated INcident is me pushing myself into a brand new realm. I'm using everything I know now. I'm evolving rapidly. The cover art for the CD is sick. I designed it myself and with the incredible work of NWE we have made a comedy cover for the ages. The tone I wanted to capture was that Metallica black album or AC/DC Back in Black look. It's a bad ass bitch.

Wanna see it? Okay. Come back in a few days.

2009 announcements will hit any time now. It's gonna be a blitz. I will be everywhere. TV ... touring ... EVERYWHERE. I'm not scared of anything. See what I mean and tune in this May only on Comedy Central.

SU-FI

Cook]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/87/ Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:32:12 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/87/ Dane Cook News RSS
Throughout our lives, we will always have certain situations that confront and challenge us ...and this is obviously one of them for me.

I hope that there is a quick resolution to this, and i pray that my family can make it through this tough time with love and compassion in our hearts.

Stepping onstage night after night as I've continued to do and preparing for my future comedic endeavors has never been more important and fulfilling to me. I've said just recently to friends that 2009 is a time to be bold and make strong choices. That good is no longer good enough ... it's about bringing out the great in ourselves and each other.

I will stay strong. I will be bold.

Dane ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/86/ Sat, 29 Nov 2008 12:19:50 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/86/ Dane Cook News RSS
A tour? Something like that. What I am going to do is gonna make a tour look like a trip to the tailor to pick up a pair of altered slacks. Everything is being put together as we speak. More 411 on the 911 as soon as good ole 6.1 gets in gear.


]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/85/ Wed, 05 Nov 2008 02:25:10 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/85/ Dane Cook News RSS
I'm deeply moved by the faces and races coming together with hope in our eyes. As we look to a leader that represents our desires and therefore look at ourselves. It's never been more of an honor to say I am an American.

I appreciate what I have so much but tonight I want to give back more than ever. I want to create more and I will accomplish more because I can.



]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/84/ Fri, 31 Oct 2008 16:50:18 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/84/ Dane Cook News RSS
SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO EXORCISE THE DEMONS

AND SO IT IS TIME FOR THE TRUTH]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/83/ Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:20:07 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/83/ Dane Cook News RSS
I'm an optimistic pessimist. I'm pretty sure things are going to go horribly wrong.

I'm a procrastinator with a photographic memory. I can see what I'm supposed to be doing clearly.

A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.

Finally, after years of research I can describe perfectly all of the people who hate me for whatever reason in one word. Balding.

The screensaver pipes is far more entertaining than The Hills.

In every fountain there is a shimmering coin at the bottom tossed there with a meaningful wish and a person standing at a parking meter muttering, "fuck."

Racists are young and sexy. Bigots are old and ugly.
(racist = dolphin / bigot = platypus)

Every group of friends needs a racist to say what they're really thinking.

I've been a nobody and I've been a somebody. Somebody pays better.

Whoever came up with the concept for the copyright must have been nervous someone would steal their idea.

The word "word" backwards is drow. And according to my source material (*)
"Drow are, on the whole, sadistic, arrogant, cruel, destructive, hedonistic, and treacherous. Their eternal game of advancement at the expense of others, which is encouraged by the spider goddess herself, has transformed the dark elves into a race of scheming backstabbers eager to increase their own stations by pulling down those ahead of them and crushing their inferiors underfoot."
Sooooo -- My point isssss .... I'm just sayin'.

* - Drow Campaign and Resource Center

]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/82/ Mon, 11 Aug 2008 00:27:46 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/82/ Dane Cook News RSS
That being said, let me address the fact that although I'm not a marketing major, I have a bit of a trusted reputation after 18 years self promoting. I'd like to inform you I had no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be different since it is obvious that this poster is boring / odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.

Here are a few things that truly blow about my movies poster promoting the release of the film which opens on September 19th:

1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My Head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina.

3. The Stare:
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.

4. Lips:
It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar. I mean, damn, they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"

7. Hair:
It's actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin'.

8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:

A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime

9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.

10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.

Granted, one poster stinking up the joint isn't the end of the world. Yet it sends the wrong message about our movie and I just wanted you to know, that I feel the pain. I really love the film and I know from past missteps marketing wise that the wrong poster sends the wrong audience into the theater.

Thanks again for all of your support. If you have not seen the red band trailer (which is excellent and represents the flick accordingly) click on the link at the top of this page.

PS - "Its funny what love can make you do." I just threw up all over this awful poster.
Wow, wait ... it looks better.

Hey ... I love my new movie. Jeez ... it IS funny what love can make you do. ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/81/ Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:30:17 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/81/ Dane Cook News RSS http://www.danecook.com/news/79/ Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:09:22 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/79/ Dane Cook News RSS http://www.danecook.com/news/78/ Sun, 13 Jul 2008 14:07:46 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/78/ Dane Cook News RSS http://www.danecook.com/news/77/ Mon, 23 Jun 2008 22:56:12 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/77/ Dane Cook News RSS non-apologetic delivery, use of language and movement were world-renowned.

A George Carlin performance was fused together by his desire to spew at, share with, abuse and nurture a room full of people with his strong beliefs and social commentary. Yet, always resulting with an audience thoroughly entertained with endless laughter.

If a comedian remarks on a routine of a fellow comic by saying something is "Carlin-esque" it's acknowledged as a compliment of the highest regard.

He influenced me the first moment I watched his comedy. His approach to this art form gave my peers and myself permission to be anything and everything onstage. That inspiration continued throughout my career. He was a slight man who was a stand-up giant.

My thoughts and well wishes go out to his family, friends and to his fans.


For so many years doing comedy it was about "killing" with a joke or a story.
Learning that Mr. Carlin would dump the previous HBO specials material and work only the new routine was my new objective. I've done it that way since my first CD came out. Sometimes I get crap for turning over my stuff so fast but the truth is it's because guys like Carlin and Rock taught me that is the right way to approach your comedy. YES all comedians have covered all topics but it reminded me that NO ONE has seen or experienced life through my eyes.

Carlin showed me that you can't fuck with the truth. I admire guys that challenge themselves as performers and I appreciate being ... well ... appreciated for that same objective. I throw a sincere thank you to George Carlin for this discovery! I've put out my new CDs and specials right after the next because I've figured out how to say and share what I think and feel. It's often rag tag or freshly polished but it's my road and people seem to like traveling it with me.

Steve Martin and George Carlin are both a massive part of my success. Not comedy success. Life success. I am a better person because I listened to not just their jokes but to their meaning you know the metaphors riddled inside of them. Like great art everyone gets something different out of a joke. I get emails telling me a joke sucks ass and then the next one the joke is the best thing ever. Neither one dictates my direction anymore. I let go of that pain / pleasure long long ago. Caring about being loved or hated is no longer the quest nor has it been for a minute. To be rewarded for caring about the unknown is what it's all about. Praise for attempted evolution is so cool. The gray area is what I thrive on. I win because I try. Or I lose because I try. I've failed more times than not but I don't mind. It's from my heart. Everything I say.

George (and I loved him because my dads name is George and I always thought that made my pops funnier) Carlin is gone. Where to? No idea. Somewhere he created I hope. I will take the stage this week and like most nights challenge myself to be better and truer than ever.

Most comedians I know are talking about George Carlin like this today and will continue to as weeks and gigs roll by us. The great news, everyone, is George ain't gone completely. Comedians are inspired today and are going to take the stage and speak their routines from their heart because he did that and we should do that. Will it wear off? Yea, fuck yea, some will go back to the basics but not all of them. Go see live comedy ASAP. You are going to watch that last bit of Carlin rub off on a new generation of performers.

Comedians that want to find you and tell you about their dark, wild, silly, prolific ideas. Their honest stories, made-up one liners, jokes and conclusions.

Dane


Carlin:

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
...and you finish off as an orgasm."

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED I FOUND CARLINS LAST INTERVIEW EVER. ENJOY IT! I THINK IT'S WORTH THE READ. TRULY INSIGHTFUL.

GEORGE CARLIN : HIS FINAL INTERVIEW
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/76/ Thu, 05 Jun 2008 16:01:35 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/76/ Dane Cook News RSS
Had to say thanks to all that took part and thank the USO for putting together a fantastic tour. My goal was to hit the spots where no entertainers visit. The black hawk ride during the sandstorm? Unforgettable!!!!]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/75/ Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:27:36 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/75/ Dane Cook News RSS


-----APRIL 4th -ello world-----

I woke up today feeling so fantastic. I was a part of Idol Gives Back on American Idol last night. It was a night you could feel love and change all around you. I was so moved watching fellow artists speak and perform while raising awareness towards a crisis on this planet. Often times we obsess about foolishness or silly things in our lives but seeing a child who has nothing smile and feel they have a healthy future is a powerful eye opener. Please watch Wens night and please donate whatever you feel you can. It all helps. Idol Gives Back

Next I am performing for the Lollipop Laugh Off at the Laugh Factory. We are bringing movie magic to hospitalized children! More info here: Lollipop Laugh Off

-----APRIL 1 - MY MOMS B-DAY IS TODAY!-----

happy birthday mom! I miss you so much. Making you laugh on your birthday was one of my favorite things to do on this day. Your sons and daughters love you dearly. I'm playing the voicemail I saved FROM you FOR you right now.

HAPPY F'in BIRTHDAY MOMS.

LOVE DC



-----MARCH 18th - MY B-DAY IS TODAY!-----

Thank you to all of my fans for the happy birthday emails and comments.
Thank you to all my best friends who continue to love and support me.
Thank you to my mom and dad for getting drunk on Cape Cod and having sex on the kitchen floor.

I am loving life. Its a day to reflect and realize where we are, were and want to travel towards.
As always I am happiest on my birthday knowing my family, friends and fans are proud of what I do and how it reflects on all of them.

Now I am going to eat an entire chocolate cake and a gallon of 2% milk.

ALZO

Rough Around the Edges went GOLD this week faster than any of my prior comedy albums. I have to say I am so pleased to share this news with all of you (what a b-day gift). Over the course of the last couple of months, after the massive RATE TOUR winded down, I finally really allowed myself to enjoy several years of triumph over tragedy. I've taken a lot of off time and got plenty of rest. I spent important moments with my brother and sisters. I enjoyed just hanging out at my local comedy clubs with my comedian pals and feeling like I made good on so many promises and passions. Playing video games and walking my dog Beast. I felt normal again. I even ate normal again which was fucking heavenly. I refueled my engines and am preparing newer plans of attack in various forms of media. TONS of secrets (as always) and several projects I am jazzed to be a part of and I know you will be entertained by.

Rough Around the Edges is in the history books with Retaliation and Harmful. It's unreal having your dreams come true over and over again. With the success of my films and offers to make many more I am positioning myself to entertain you all in various ways for years to come (or annoy you if you are drinking the hater-aid).

I got calls today from several comedians I admire sending out congrats. I wanted you to know how much I love making you all laugh (again) and am figuring out new ways to do just that.

My new website is kicking butt and new visitors email me every damn day. Old fans are keeping the new fans in the loop on how to stay in touch and get your laughs with us. Everyone is invited.




]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/74/ Sun, 27 Jan 2008 22:22:37 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/74/ Dane Cook News RSS
Well here it is. The new incarnation of my website. Hasn't it been great watching the site mature and grow over the years? Well now it is more dynamic than ever before. I've loved watching the site become more and more what I dreamed a web site could be. Like my stand up comedy I'm always interested in pushing myself further and this site does that also (we hope as we test out all the whistles and bells). The site is now ALIVE. This means at any point I can flip a switch and broadcast video and sound in the above viewing area. I can hold my own press conference to announce upcoming events or cool developments. Maybe switch it up and talk shit on here about news events and such. Or take live questions and respond right atcha. It's all new and a work in progress but let's enjoy it.

(UPDATE # 2)

So I had my first TRUE broadcast live on JUSTIN.tv AND DANECOOK.com tonight (you can watch from my site LIVE or go to the JTV site and ask a question) and it was rocky but a blast. Of course cam chats are something I have been doing for years with you guys on AIM and YAHOO. Taking questions from fans and such via IM and just talking back to all involved. It is much like doing stand up -- all over the place. It's wild and fun then slow and bumpy. It builds and twists and turns.

Then we did it through my video DANEcasts for the last year where I would read MYSPACE letters and respond about what-fuckin'-ever you wrote. Now a community for this instant television comes in the form of JUSTIN.tv. It isn't perfect but it's evolution of media and I am always thrilled to take part in these things. I use anything and everything in this online world to capture true emotion and get real (or get stupid or mad or ambivalent or just plain giddy). A few people are also taking advantage of this and I am hoping to see more of my peers jumping onboard and following suit to get their stuff out into the world. Showing their true selves in a myriad of ways online.

I've been secretly playing with JUSTIN.tv since June 29th, 2007 and finally did it without the fake beard and glasses. That was amusing. Sorry Reg2001 I am not Carl Rubble. Carl was a neighbor growing up and Rubble is Barney Fred's friend. I know a few guys are also successfully using JUSTIN.tv and other sources to reach out. Joe Rogan, Tom Green to name a couple and from what I hear they are must see. I have OTHER tricks up my sleeve content wise but I am holding on to them for now and waiting until the time is right. You'll see.

Play around and let me know what you think of the new website. I will continue to DANEcast when I can too!!!

Tons of news to fill you in on but I am just starting to get my shit together after a much needed break. Thank you everyone for hanging out here and I look forward to sharing this stuff with other artists seeking out new ways to share content with their fans also.

(UPDATE # 3)

'Good Luck Chuck' is available on DVD today (JUST GOT WORD ITS THE # 1 MOVIE RENTAL OF THE WEEK ... YEAAA) with a ton of 'special features' that will make you laugh your asses off . Be sure to pick up a copy.

* My ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES TOUR visited 25 cities, logged over 21,000 miles, and entertained over 365,000 fans! The ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES CD/DVD has sold over 350,000 copies since its November release, and is currently on four Billboard Charts, including the chart for #1 Comedy Album. Click HERE to get yours guys.

* To every soldier in the US military that writes to me and feels closer to home through laughter GOD BLESS and THANK YOU. To anyone that would like to write our brave men and women all over the world they would love hearing from you! The link is: www.ANYSOLDIER.com

* To learn more about the Writers Guild of America and the recent developments involving the strike please click HERE. Thank you for your support.

SU-FI

Dane]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/73/ Wed, 02 Jan 2008 19:00:14 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/73/ Dane Cook News RSS
Did I really do a record breaking 7 hours of stand up comedy last night at the Laugh Factory?

True.

On 1.1.2008 I hit the stage and walked off the morning of 1.2.2008 to bright skies. I never sat down or left the stage. The show started with a small mighty crowd of around 60 and 35 of us were together this morning still laughing and recapping 2007 with laughs galore. It felt fantastic. The longest set I have ever done before that was 3 hours 50 minutes at the LF as well. It's a historic club with so much positive energy. One of the best locations I have ever had the privilege of performing at. I talked about anything and everything. From tigers mauling people to my parents deaths. Reconstructive surgery to starting my very own race war. Sex, drugs and anything else that my brain served up. I knew everyone in the crowd by the end and now they know me too. I dedicate my record breaking set to all comedians that inspire me past and present.

* I just learned while writing this that over Christmas I sold 62,048 CDs!!!!!! Thank you everyone!!!! What a way to start of 2008. Keep laughing and don't take it all that serious life is about the moments in between.

** To learn more about the WGA and the recent developments please CLICK HERE. Thank you for your support.

NEW NEW NEW on its way.

NEW WEBSITE (I am tweaking it now and it should hit any time)
NEW PROJECTS (It's a secret right now but stuff is'a happening)
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/71/ Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:48:42 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/71/ Dane Cook News RSS
* HOLY SHIT this is nuts. On iTunes Rough Around the Edges is the #4 most downloaded album right behind ... get this ... #3
LED FUCKING ZEPPELIN -- HA! WILD!!! WILD!!! THANKS everyone. The review so far. PERFECT. So glad you think the CD/DVD is a 10!

I remember the feeling when I sold my very first copy of Harmful If Swallowed directly from my website since I didn't have a record contract. Two years later because of you Retaliation went to number four on the Billboard Charts and I was so proud. Today my third CD is being released and you guys can imagine where my head is at! I've been waiting for this day for a while and it is here! My brand new CD/DVD, recorded at the most famous arena in the world MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, is available now!!! 'Rough Around the Edges' Live from Madison Square Garden can be purchased at stores everywhere today or by clicking here.

Like Harmful and Retal it's not a slap together job. The album art and bonus DVD have great time and energy put into them. You know how I wagon wheel. It's a huge week for new albums and I would appreciate it if you all went out and got your copy today so we can again share in the victory. More than anything else. Put on 'Rough Around the Edges' and laugh. Simple.


SU-FI


Dane


*Good Luck Chuck is the #1 movie in the UK!!! Thank you to all of my fans in the UK.

**RATE is already #4 on the iTunes top downloads! Please go there and write your reviews! I like checking them out on there and it means a lot! YIPPY FUCKING DOOOOO I LOVE THAT YOUR ALL DIGGING THE NEW SHITTTTTT!!!!

***I've been included in PEOPLE Magazine's Sexiest Man issue. Why? I clean up well. =)



]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/70/ Mon, 05 Nov 2007 12:43:56 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/70/ Dane Cook News RSS iTunes.

3 days in and 3 gigs down (around 50,000 people have already attended and the Guiness Book of World Records is looking at these numbers for record breaking tally's for real for reals). Oddly enough I'm already a bit bummed that some are done. I don't want done right now! I was in St. Louis now (yes I'm moving fast as I have charter planes like I'm Bon Fucking Jovi) watching poor produced television.

++UPDATED++ I am back in LOS ANGELES for a few days!!!!

I am stoked to be out and around the real cool people / fans I have traveled with for sometime. I needed this more than you know. To be out there entertaining people live in concert. Sometimes in Hollyweird there is too much bullshit for this Boston Boy and I am thankful to have gotten away from a bunch of it. Ego crap / competative sneaky dudes and self important chicks buzzing around me got to be enough. I am a real guy and nothing reminds me of that more than being creative with all of you. It's simple. Let's laugh. Let's escape the tough stuff for a minute and share a laugh. Life is quite short and I have been reminded in a few short hours why I do what I do. It isn't a distraction from the noise of the entertainment industry. Nope its not it because I love creating with most of those people. It's my nutrition and when I perform for you it's a privledge and something that forces me to pull truth out in all forms, tie up loose ends and give you my everything during a show that is for you. The show that heals me is for you.

I guess what I am saying is this. I appreciate you all. I was going through my own confusing, polluted life moment. And as I stepped on stage, into your lives, as you have let me do now in film, television or at live events, I found myself again because I was at home with you.

More to say and do but rest for now.

SU-FI

DC

On this TOUR I will be using Yahoo Messenger to chat with you all. My screen name is DaneCookcom so hit me up.
I am STILL on AIM (iChat) under DaneCookcom also so find me there but YM is bettera.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/69/ Mon, 29 Oct 2007 02:31:27 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/69/ Dane Cook News RSS
I produced my first film in Boston where I grew up. Got to hang with old family and friends that meant the MOST to me. Hit 14 Red Sox home games all the while hired by MLB to do one of the most successful ad campaigns in years. EVERYONE was talking about it (good and bad but bad is good for business. Makes the rubbernecks check in) and most people were writing me saying those commercials and my energy and enthusiasm made them want to check out MORE baseball. Wow. Goal achieved.

Now I can finally admit. Sometimes it was hard doing the commercials because I am always rooting for Boston but I had to chat about ALL of baseball. That is a good thing but you never wanna jynx your boys while they are rolling so I was careful with the jargon and scripts.

Image though. I get to be in Boston, film there, be with my closest people and do these ads while my team goes on to win it all and I was there. Not to mention the droves of fans that I got to chill with around Fenway and whatnot. No way around it and I guess forever for me knowing that it will never be so perfect no matter how many times I see the Sox go on to Victory. For this year in my life.

There WAS only one October.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/68/ Fri, 19 Oct 2007 01:38:32 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/68/ Dane Cook News RSS
This NEWS UPDATE is dedicated to my Boston Red Sox and #19 Josh Beckett for keeping the dream alive in Cleveland tonight! Fenway park this weekend baby!

I also want to thank all of the fans who have supported my 'Rough Around the Edges' Comedy Tour as we have sold 200,000 tickets in the first two weeks.

For those of you who haven't gotten tickets yet, you might want to do it now as things are selling out very quickly. For most of the dates on the tour, I am doing only one show in that city.....but because of overwhelming demand so early...I have decided to add a second show in just three cities. Boston, New York & Denver. I have arranged for a pre-sale for my fans only by entering the password: SUFI starting tomorrow (Friday October 19th) at 10am. Click here to get your tickets.

My brand new CD/DVD, recorded at the most famous arena in the world MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, is being released on NOVEMBER 13th!!! 'Rough Around the Edges' Live from Madison Square Garden is available for pre-order by clicking here.

My new movie 'Dan in Real Life' starring Steve Carell and Juliette Binoche arrives in theaters on October 26th.

The new DANECOOK.com website is on its way!


SU-FI


Dane Cook]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/67/ Sun, 14 Oct 2007 17:41:16 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/67/ Dane Cook News RSS SNL DANE COOK SKIT

If you would like to purchase TICKETS for my 25 city 'Rough Around the Edges' Comedy Tour then click here.

In 5 days we have already sold over 120,000 tickets!!!! That is 1/3 of the tour.

To PRE-ORDER my brand new CD/DVD 'Rough Around the Edges: Live from Madison Square Garden' click here.

I have to thank my fans and fans of Good Luck Chuck. In three weeks time we have made over 30 million dollars at the box office and are already a financial success! Still in the top 6 too. We opened stronger than Ben Stillers new movie and that is speaking volumes. I am already reading scripts and deciding what we should do next. ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/66/ Tue, 25 Sep 2007 19:08:13 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/66/ Dane Cook News RSS
If you haven't had the chance to check out the movie yet and see what happens between me and a penguin then put on your shoes and drive to the nearest theater now.

Dane
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/65/ Thu, 13 Sep 2007 15:42:16 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/65/ Dane Cook News RSS
If you would like to request tickets to be in the TRL studio audience in NYC just email trlcasting@mtvstaff.com with "Dane Cook Tix" in the subject.

You MUST be 18-24 and live in the tri-state area and include the following info:

Name
Age
Phone
Location
Email

I hope to see you there!


Dane


]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/64/ Sun, 02 Sep 2007 00:32:53 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/64/ Dane Cook News RSS
11th NO HITTER at the park ever.

WOW. JUST WOW. ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/63/ Sun, 26 Aug 2007 23:43:50 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/63/ Dane Cook News RSS
I WON!!!!

This was truly a cool honor because it was from the next generation of comedy fans. You guys and gurls. I promise I will continue to deliver on my word. Challenging myself to bring new comedy and ways to present comedy on and offline to YOU. I really can't say much more except I had a really fun night hanging with my girl Jessica Alba. She won CHOICE HOTTIE and of course deserved that despite the fact her breath stunk of Sun Chips. Please get ready for GOOD LUCK CHUCK in theaters on September 21st. It's gonna make you laugh your asses off. I'm on a flight back to Boston in 20 minutes. NIGHT!!!]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/62/ Fri, 10 Aug 2007 01:46:48 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/62/ Dane Cook News RSS
Alec Baldwin has signed on to co-star in the Dane Cook -
Kate Hudson starrer "Bachelor No. 2" for Lionsgate.

Penned by Jordan Cahan, the story centers on Tank (Cook), who is hired to take girls on horrible dates so they crawl back to the boyfriends they dumped. But he struggles with his libido and the meaning of friendship when his best pal needs his help with the girl who dumped him.

Howard Deutch will direct the film, which starts shooting next week in Boston.

Baldwin, who is up for an Emmy for his role on the NBC comedy series "30 Rock," is set to play Professor Thompson in "Bachelor." The actor, who recently sparked headlines when a hostile voicemail left for his daughter was leaked on the Internet, jettisoned CAA in April only to rehire the agency in May. He was not expected to take on any film projects before resuming his "30 Rock" duties this month.

In addition to his drawing critical raves for "30 Rock," Baldwin has appeared recently in such prestige films as "The Good Shepherd" and "The Departed."]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/61/ Fri, 27 Jul 2007 09:19:30 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/61/ Dane Cook News RSS
The trailer for my NEW CD/DVD is getting mad reviews. More on that soon. But for now go over to my MySpace and watch it in my cool new player!

The transformation is NOT complete. Why?

Because any moment now DANECOOK.com is coming A-LIVE.

What does that f'in mean? Wait and see.

Once again I am changing the way artists connect with their fans. This is going to be mighty cool.

...NEW MOVIES (GOOD LUCK CHUCK SEPTEMBER 21st, DAN IN REAL LIFE OCTOBER 26th and BACHELOR NO. 2 IN PRODUCTION)

...NEW MYSPACE with FREE EXCLUSIVE CLIPS for being the best fans and friends on the planet.

...NEW MUSIC with FORWARD now on iTunes.

...NEW STAND-UP CD/DVD with the greatest venue known to any performer MADISON SQUARE GARDEN being released NOVEMBER 13th. ALL NEW MATERIAL!!!

...NEW PROJECTS (I'm not telling you yet but when I am ready I will tell you about something NEW and special).

...NEW WEB-SITE!!!! DANECOOK.com comes A-LIVE any minute now with a new look, a new vibe and a new function that will deliver on a fucking killer level. I CAN NOT wait to show you this shit!!!!!!!!!

...Only thing not changing? Me. 17 years later and the only thing that matters still is staying fresh, challenging myself, reinventing my systems to keep it fun for me and my family with of course you my fans.

PLEASE KEEP SUPPORTING STAND-UP COMEDY. THERE ARE AWESOME NEW COMEDIANS CROPPING UP THAT NEED YOU TO LATCH ON TO AND HELP THEM GET THEIR STUFF OUT THERE. I'M SERIOUS WHEN I SAY SOME OF THE BEST PERFORMERS I'VE SEEN SINCE I STARTED ARE DOING THEIR THING AT A LOCAL CLUB NEAR YOU. SHOW THEM YOU BELIEVE. ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/60/ Mon, 16 Jul 2007 22:01:57 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/60/ Dane Cook News RSS
Tick fucking talk means why am I not updating or DANEcasting as weeks go by. Ahhhh the method to the madness. I've spent almost every free moment reading and catching up on ALL of your emails / comments.

Finding out what you all want and need as my career turns an exciting corner and I branch off into producing films, acting in more diverse roles and of course doing stand-up. The balance. I need to continue to grow as an artist but as you know the more things change the more they stay the same. I love doing stand up comedy. It's my passion and my gift. I think about it all the time. I find I am best at it when I get away for a minute and live life, absorb situations and let myself get prepared for growth.

You know for 17 years my comedy has continued to evolve and morph into many things. I'm not satisfied to just rehash. Blah. That would be fucking lame and truly lifeless. I treat comedy like a band treats each album. In fact I'd love to work with Rick Rubin on a comedy album! That would be terrific. I'm such a Rick Rubin fan and his work like so many just makes me always want to rethink my sound. I'm in the studio now doing just that.

I'm about to hit 2 million fans on MySpace. Between that point and Good Luck Chuck coming out ALL your questions will be answered. NEW, NEW, NEW.

New comedy, new website tricks and tools, new MySpace vibe and look. Of course new me. I can't wait to reveal things and make you all laugh in MANY ways this fall. No matter what I do in this industry it comes back to you guys. I will always find that balance. Things that I need to try and attempt as an artist and the things I want to provide for you as die hard friends and fans.

Bill Cosby told me the key to failure is to try pleasing everyone. You may check in and out of my life or career due to not being as pumped regarding one form or another I put out there and that is understandable. I do that with Metallica. Gotta check out sometimes but I always peek back in because sometimes they speak to me! You may say Dane I don't like you hosting shows or doing promos or award shows or the movies or whatever and I get it.

I'm on the ride of my life everyone. It's spectacular. Of course certain cynical types continue to try and bash but sometimes I feel like Luke Skywalker fighting the Empire. I actually get to fight for what I believe in and that's bad ass. I've wanted that since I was a boy to be noticed and to debate my ideas against or for those who are with me or don't care for me. How many people get to challenge themselves in this way in front of the world? I'm fearless and in the best mental shape of my life.

Check back and get ready to laugh everyone. Daddy's coming home and he's toting some gifties.

Harmful.
Retaliation.
Vicious.
??????????

]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/59/ Sat, 07 Jul 2007 20:21:45 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/59/ Dane Cook News RSS
I dedicate these commercials to my father. He had a history in and around baseball. I also know when he passed away somehow he brought this opportunity to me. I did this for my father and for his and my love of this game. In the ads you will see a hat hanging out of my back pocket. That's for you pop.

UPDATED (JULY 16th, 2007): The commercials are doing awesome. I got tons of emails from old and new fans saying the ads gave them goosebumps and more importantly awoke their need to follow the rest of the season so when playoff time comes they feel closer than ever as a fan.



]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/58/ Wed, 20 Jun 2007 18:37:29 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/58/ Dane Cook News RSS
Kate Hudson's next movie will be "Bachelor No. 2" for Lionsgate, starring opposite Dane Cook.

Director Howard Deutch is set to begin lensing in August. Pic will be shot in Boston.

Cook's shingle SUperFInger Entertainment is producing with Management 360. Terra Firma and New Wave Entertainment also are producing.

From a script by Jordan B. Cahan, storyline revolves around a man who is hired by men who have been dumped to take their ex-girlfriends out on nightmare dates, thereby convincing the women to return to their boyfriends. But trouble arises when Cook's character is hired to take out the ex-girlfriend of his best pal.

Producers are Guymon Casady, Doug Johnson, Adam Herz, Greg Lessans, Josh Shader, Barry Katz and Brian Volk-Weiss.

Hudson ("You, Me & Dupree," "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" ) will next be seen in theaters opposite Matthew McConaughey in romantic action-adventure "Fool's Gold." Warners releases the film Feb. 8.

"Bachelor" marks Cook's third Lionsgate pic after "Employee of the Month" and "Good Luck Chuck," which bows in September.

**I can not tell you how perfect Kate is for this role. She is truly funny and a great actress. I am over the fucking moon about filming in the greatest city in the USA. BOSTON!!!!

Tons of Good Luck Chuck stuff starting to trickle out. Oh and don't worry that poster was not my idea. It's also NOT the final poster so don't fear. I think it's funny we got more press over having a lackluster poster than a great one. Maybe we should just put a poster out with a blob of donkey shit on it and that will make the cover of NEWSWEEK! Ha. ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/57/ Sun, 17 Jun 2007 18:29:20 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/57/ Dane Cook News RSS
So last week I filmed a series of commercials for MLB with director and fellow fan of fear McG. MLB approached me and asked if I would be interested in doing these ads based on all of baseballs greatest / coolest / most prolific moments and I didn't think twice. I did this for my father first and foremost. He loved playing and later broadcasting baseball. The first commercial will air during the All-Star Game and will be seen by 100 million plus people and in 200 plus countries. Check them out and get on board with your team like I am and always have been with my Red Sox (cough... first place... ughmm).

BIG CASTING NEWS! I begin filming my new movie in August with my friends at LIONSGATE. It's also my first film being produced through SUperFInger Entertainment. Can you believe that? The SU-FI that you guys and I have done for fun for years is now producing a flick. It's bonkers I tell you. This movie is called Bachelor Number Two. My leading lady is .... (ANY MINUTE NOW). I could not think of a better girl for this role and a finer actress to go toe to toe with in this kind of genre. More about what that is about soon and who I'm starring with.

Good Luck Chuck is now September 21st. Why did we move the release date? No real reason movies move all the time. Marketing people have strategy that eludes me but I'm gonna tell you right now with no doubt. The movie is funny as hell. A new series of posters will be in theaters with FF2 this weekend. They are eye catching and NO I am not airbrushed I worked my ass on.

I'm getting ready to shoot a series of short films that I will be uploading online also.

Keep checking back as this is gonna change a lot this week.

SU-FI guys!

DC

]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/56/ Sun, 10 Jun 2007 02:53:08 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/56/ Dane Cook News RSS
I want to thank everyone that supported Mr. Brooks on it's debut weekend. The buzz has been solid and I've been getting rave reviews for my portrayal of the deviant Mr. Smith. Our small dark flick stood up to the big guns of summer and surprised everyone by standing our ground. We made 10 million bucks in a couple of days with little press. Compare that to Knocked Up that made 28 million. We did 1/3 of their business and they probably spent 30 million plus on marketing alone. Mr. Brooks is in a theatre near you. Go check it out or read the many fan reviews on my MySpace comments page.

ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE really summed up my movie with a terrific write up. I feel they are one of the few sources to really see and understand what we were going for with Mr. Brooks. Read it in my press section in a few! I'm beaming!

I've done a huge amount of updates over at my MySpace page including a NEW DANEcast that autoplays when you go on over. I really look forward to hearing your thoughts after Brooks opens this weekend!

Over in the PRESS section I have posted something I am very proud of. It's a very positive review in the NEW YORK TIMES concerning my role in the new film Mr. Brooks. I was selected to be a part of their breakout performance list and I could not be more honored. To be acknowledged in this paper is beyond my wildest dreams. I want you all to see Mr. Brooks and check out a side of my talents that does not encompass comedy. I worked really hard to bring this character to life onscreen and know this compelling film will be a real fucking cool ride during a summer filled with sequels!
People always complain about how summer movies don't take chances or deviate from the normal tent pole tradition of moneymaking machines. This movie is that find. This movie is not predictable or simple cotton candy brain junk. It's a peek inside the minds of dark people with twisted intentions. June 1st please go take part in my dramatic undertaking and prepare to fear Mr. Brooks!!!!
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/55/ Thu, 03 May 2007 17:09:20 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/55/ Dane Cook News RSS
On April 14th my father died after a battle with cancer. He showed incredible strength and determination throughout this ordeal.

My fathers name was George Cook. He told stories like nobody I know. My pops had a presence and likeability that was unmatched. I loved him and learned about him, in ways I never thought possible, in the last few years.

Within a short window of time after my mom succumbed to cancer last year my father sat me down and told me what I didn't think I would ever hear. He informed me he had cancer and found out he had a handful of months to live. I was still mourning my mom and this was just impossible to comprehend.

My father was a boxer when he was younger and was ready to fight. He was truly one of the strongest men I've ever met. Even in his last days his grip was mighty and I will always feel it in my hand as we sat together shared smiles, laughs and tears.

After a stroke weeks ago my father lost his ability to speak. He could still think of things to say and respond but something in his brain would not allow him to spit it out properly. He wanted to say "hello, how are you" but different random words would pour out. Mostly "come on". He tended to say, "come on, come on, come on" but was looking at you like he was asking "do you want something to drink". He also understood he was saying something different than what he was thinking and he too was confused by it. We had a funny moment with him the other day where he said "come on, come on" and my little sister Courtney and I would bust into Richie Valens "C'mon Let's Go" but dancing and hollering "well ... come on lets go lets go lets go little darlin' tell me that you'll never leave me come on come on lets go again and again and again!" My dad would dance in bed and sing his come on parts with us. Once again laughter carried me through the darkest spots on earth.

The day before I returned to Los Angeles I asked him what ten plus fifteen equaled and he responded, "come on". I tried and tried until I started counting up from one. When I hit twenty-four I looked at my pops and he said very crystal clear, "twenty-five".

You know that moment in Rocky when he runs up the stairs, the music swells and you get that rush of emotions through your heart and mind because you have hope Rocky will win? Hearing my dad say twenty-five was exactly that. He also said my name to me on the last night I was there.

My father used to go to Madison Square Garden to watch boxing matches years before I came along. When I played MSG last November I brought my dad. At the end of my show I shouted up to his seats, "HEY POPS HOW'S MY JAB"? I did a little footwork and tossed a few clumsy shots into the air. He loved it and we took a photo on stage after the show. I feel blessed that his life and mine tangled together and events like MSG were so important and appreciated by both of us.

People have asked me how I have gone on to do so much the last year and a half with such heavy things on my mind. I have loved performing more than ever. If anything doing films and television, tours and interviews I have been able to show my father, like my mother, all that I am capable of and the goal is to bring goodness to peoples lives. My father thrived on these things. Like my mother he just wanted to watch me work. So I did what they raised me to do. I created new ideas and opportunities, shared them with old and new fans while bringing my pops along for the ride.

I've told interviewers my physical comedy comes from my mother but my storytelling is all dads. He was a one of a kind that guy. You would have really liked him and if you met him you did like him no questions asked.

I am proud to have had such unreal parents. Everyday I am driven by their loving words. My pops is with my mom now. They are catching up and trust me they are laughing.

I'll share one more thing right now but there are tons of moments I will share later on about my family, my road and my metamorphosis throughout this lifetime personally and professionally. I've decided it's time to put it all down and air the whole damn thing out.

I was at my fathers place the other day and I lay down next to him in his bed. He rolled over and we just looked at each other as I told him some of my favorite memories him and I shared. One being at the World Series with him when the Red Sox broke the curse and won it! Minutes later we fell asleep. A few hours later I woke up with my fathers hand rubbing my head. We smiled and said everything that a father and son needed to say without ever speaking a word. I had not taken a nap with my father since I was a small boy. I will cherish it forever and look forward to someday taking a nice nap with my child.

I miss you pops. Don't worry I will continue to make you proud with my life. It's how you raised me and I know ... I'm not taking no shit from anybody. I'm not gonna tell you because I'm gonna show you and of course I will say my prayers.

**UPDATED 4/24:
Your letters are pouring in and I have read them all. They build me up at a time when I really need it. Thank you everyone. I can not wait to get onstage tonight and do a show. I really look forward to just performing and sharing my thoughts and ideas. Hearing laughter.

I've heard from almost everyone I've ever spent time with in my life with phone numbers and a call me anytime on the letter. I have started taking people up on this and it's been a good thing for me. Unselfish individuals. I appreciate you all.

I had to vent and I will continue to vent in more and more ways onstage and off. Tonight I will bring the funny and have true happiness with some of the best people I know.

I miss my dad and mom more than ever today. Today was the hardest day. The day you realize it's really over and it's all up to you to pick yourself up and make changes. I am working on this as I always do. I show up. I show up and I never won't show up. Forward.

**My father was in the service and received a military burial where I was presented with our flag. I've gotten a few emails asking what the military website I have mentioned in the past was. The one to write our brave men and women dedicating their lives to some war somewhere. They LOVE hearing from you! That link is:
www.ANYSOLDIER.com

***I DO take advice from my fans and here it is. Hundreds of emails and letters asking me to take a few days and go on vacation. Stop performing, stop working and stop thinking just go be in the sun and swim. I AM!!!!!! I rented a house in Mexico on the ocean and am inviting my best friends in the world. I've dreamed of this for a while. This week and weekend I am going. Thanks everyone for the push. I need this right now and I know my mom and dad are with me.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/54/ Mon, 09 Apr 2007 20:20:58 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/54/ Dane Cook News RSS
PTI but today is the 7th Anniversary of DaneCook.com so I wanted to say Happy Anniversary to all my fans for the endless support since the start of this site!!! NEW DANEcast is gonna be up later so grab it where you hear me!!!

AND

MSN has placed me on their all-star line up of most influential comedians of all time. Check it out HERE. I am honored to be mentioned alongside this group of stand-out stand-ups.

The First Thing:
I hate the ocean. It's ugly and smells like a salty puddle. It is too damn loud with it's churning and splashing. The people that say they love the ocean are also not pretty to look at. They steal, lie and are not fair or right about most everything. The ocean is a pool filled with awful unattractive creatures that have no business on this planet. We should build a skyscraper-sized toaster, plug it in and drop it in the ocean electrocuting all the varmints in there. After that drain it and build some ballsy skateboard parks!

The Second Thing:
I can only eat egg whites if they are colored with a yellow food dye appearing like they are regular eggs. When I say "these are delicious regular eggs" you respond with "yes they look like tasty regular eggs and NOT egg whites."

The Third Thing:
I've invented a device that mathematically figures out who is the most boring person at a party and shoots a deadly laser at them killing them close to instantly.*1

The Fourth Thing:
My biggest regret in life is not having a really big regret.

The Fifth Thing:
One time a ghost appeared to me and told me I was going to do great things in this lifetime. I responded by trapping him in my Proton Pack and delivering it to the
Ecto-Containment Unit. You see, Dr. Peter Venkman is a dear friend of mine and some ghost with his tricky horseshit will not persuade me otherwise.

The Sixth Thing:
There is no better feeling in the whole wide world than when the cop that is following behind your car takes a left. Especially when you DO have a body in your trunk.

The Seventh Thing:
There is nothing funnier than someone that is not funny trying to convince other people that someone isn't funny.

The Eighth Thing:
A young boy looked at his mother and asked her, "Mom is there a God?"

The mother looked, smiled and responded, "I really don't think so."

This boy then went to his father and asked, "Dad is there a God?"

The dad looked, grinned and replied, "Yes. I know there is."

Later that night the three of them were driving to grab dinner at a place where lower middle class people eat when a logging truck ran a red light and hit them head on. The mother died the father lived and the boy was badly hurt by a log that bashed into his body.

Oprah called and had the father and son on her popular syndicated talk show and she asked the boy if he believed in God. The boy looked, smirked and replied "I'm on Oprah so what do you think?!"

Later that night the logger that drove the truck in a fit of rage because he was not asked to participate in the panel discussion on Oprah (yet he was invited to sit in the audience which is still pretty prestigious but certainly not as validating as sitting on the actual couch with Oprah) went into a blind white rage and killed the father and son, dug up the mothers body and put the three of them in a tree fort he built for his son Jarvis dressing them in army uniforms wearing wigs, costume jewelry and smart casual footwear.

A year later the logging trucker guy was the LEAD GUEST on Oprah live from prison and his new book "LOGGING, KILLING, CATS and OTHER DAILY STUFF" is a best seller.

I think we all know that there IS a God but He is very drunk, somewhat troubled and obviously extremely shy hence He doesn't care for the question about him existing or not so let's focus on something else for right now.

The Ninth Thing:
Nobody can tell you that you won't make it in this world. Yet, if we can rally everyone in the world to tell you that you won't make it than it's true. You really have no shot because all of us don't care for your work and we are the world. Odds are you will be fine but have a back up plan in case all of us come calling with some bad news.

The Tenth Thing:
If I went to college I would major in Apology.

*1 - Pending approval with the FCC and people that like coming to my parties.

PS - The photo at the top of this news update was the VERY first mock up I made for Harmful If Swallowed with its original title. I made this in 1999. That's why we do alternate options in case one just doesn't have the umpff. I loved this title and the fact it was a sign of what was to come (or what I HOPED would come). It was simple and raw with the black on white to pull your eye to it. Aesthetically pleasing I felt. I scraped it and went with a color version before signing with Comedy Central Records and re-doing the cover we all now know with my head as a skull and microphones motif. Although I never went with this title or design it was great coming across it today. It reminded me of all the time and energy I put in before anybody knew who I was except for a group of underground fans.

If you never saw the original Harmful If Swallowed cover it is on my MySpace under my blog starting now!]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/53/ Mon, 12 Mar 2007 06:27:14 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/53/ Dane Cook News RSS
Something I learned watching Jeni is the way to ring a story out. He knew how to get every drop of funny out of a situation. He used voices and movement to build a fantastic set up and he would use language and charm to smash a laugh out of an already laughing crowd. I appreciated that because I am such a fan of total commitment to a topic.

Jeni and I talked last year about my website and he was fascinated with how I used the net to bring my fans together. I remember attempting to rally Jeni and a bunch of other comedians into using MySpace before anyone even knew what the fuck it was. He asked for my phone number and called me several times to talk about the ins and outs of building a web presence. I was stoked to talk shop with Jeni and of course asked him too many questions about his road, life and how it was in the early years working with many of my favorites.

This last year I watched as Richard created his latest HBO special "A Big Steaming Pile of Me" and I enjoyed seeing how good he was even when he thought he had a rough or off night. It was cool trading stories about HBO specials after he caught mine.

I spoke with Richard a week before he died. We were in the lobby of the Laugh Factory. I keep replaying the conversation over and over. It was just him and I and I told him he was prolific and that I admired what he had done throughout his career. I'm not gonna deny that I felt something was wrong. I asked him if he had the flu or was just really tired. I told him I looked forward to seeing him get back up there (on stage) and wanted to show him a joke I was doing with a tag he gave me. On a few occasions he would suggest ideas for bits I did and I was so fucking flattered that Richard Jeni was giving me ideas.

I could not leave the Laugh Factory last Saturday night. I stayed and sat in that lobby talking with many comedians that came in the door just to remember this man. We were the last to leave.

It hurts when someone takes their own life away from the rest of us. I feel empty yet filled with memories of time spent working and talking with Richard Jeni.




]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/52/ Thu, 08 Mar 2007 19:38:00 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/52/ Dane Cook News RSS
In moments to come I will step forth once again from the comedy shadows. I've been in training like Remo Williams once did with Chiun. Pole jumping and dodging bullets. Developing material, honing my weapons of mass eruption.

Resting, writing and taking care of personal family stuff, professional inquiries and mostly refueling my engines after a mammoth 2006.

2007?

Check back in a minute.

SU-FI.
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/51/ Sat, 10 Feb 2007 07:49:24 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/51/ Dane Cook News RSS
MAD is known for their brutal roast like agenda and I love that about them. It's not the real deal facts with sources and substance. Noooooo. This rag runs with the nasty rumor mill media created character pov. It's an honor to be chopped up and spit out in here. Second to being mocked and impersonated on SNL I feel. They could call me a baby seal rapist with a stutter and I would curtsey with glee.

From the caricature on the cover to the rapidly drawn comic strips inside its all validation. I am now a part of pop lexicon and I don't mind saying this. IT FEELS FUCKING RITECHOUS. I'm hangin' with SPY vs. SPY my all time favorite.

Honored to join the likes of Tom Cruise, Superman, John F. Kennedy, Star Wars, Jaws, The Godfather, King Kong, David Letterman, Madonna, The Incredibles, Chris Rock, Shrek, Eminem, Adam Sandler, Seinfeld, Will Smith, iPod and The Terminator as we get our asses handed to us!!!!!!!!

"What, me worry?"
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/50/ Mon, 05 Feb 2007 20:19:22 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/50/ Dane Cook News RSS
I felt like a winner the first day I ever took the stage.

may you live 2 C the dawn

and remember

All your base are belong to us

Employee of the Month is the NUMBER ONE movie rental on DVD this week and NUMBER TWO in sales!!!

In its first week, EOM has placed as follows:

RENTALS
1.Employee of the Month
2.Grid Iron Gang
3.Crank
4.The Illusionist
5.Texas Chainsaw

SALES:
1.Grid Iron Gang
2.Employee of the Month
3.Texas Chainsaw
4.The Protector
5.The Illusionist

EOM, in rentals, has generated 10 million dollars so far, in 12 days of release. This is about 35% of the revenue generated from the theaters, and is a huge number for only 12 days.

By comparison, Texas Chainsaw has generated 8 mil in 12 days, Grid Iron gang has done 9.2 mil in 12 days. In 26 days, more than twice as much time as we have been out, snakes on a plane has made 12 mil.

**
I am headed down to West Palm Beach, Florida for a few days with my family. Then back to Los Angeles for a couple of shows.


]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/49/ Fri, 19 Jan 2007 20:27:34 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/49/ Dane Cook News RSS
*Golden Globes -

The original plan was to have me announced and walk out to present the clip for "Thank You for Smoking". Due to the fact they were running late the producers asked if I would not mind starting out at the mic. I thought that is even better. No pressure. I stood out on stage for 40 seconds just looking around at all of these incredible performers and stars (yes there is a difference). I just stood in there waiting for my cue. In that moment I remembered standing on stage at Arlington High School, 10th grade, moments before speaking for my first time in front of the class. Life is so unpredictable. This felt the same. Like this is where I belong. Moment of the night: Hanging with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx at one of the after parties.

*"I'll Never Be You" is on iTunes today! 2 VERSIONS clean and explicit.

*Never cut your hair out of boredom.

*New England Patriots - What can I say but I really get excited around this time of year. The game with the Chargers was awesome and we defied the 8 heads. GO PATS!!!!

*Employee of the Month hit 30 million at the box office and opened big over seas. Thank you to all my new fans around the world for checking out it. Now wait until you see Good Luck Chuck this summer. Holy shit it looks good. The difference with GLC over Employee. In Employee I was the center with funny people all around me to play off of. In GLC it's me doing my thing full tilt boogie and guess what? R rating. Coming soon!!!

*A zit inside your nose fucking hurts but when you pop it it's like you just freed a nation living under communist rule.

*Some DJ says my phone number is online and a lot of people keep asking. Not my number guys but someone must feel fantastic with their thousands of new friends calling!

*Two more movies out this year with GLC. Mr. Brooks and Dan in Real Life. 3 very different roles. More on them as they approach.

*I like Larry King Live.

*DANEcast (It's being fixed after the recording was getting cut off. Back up any minute now.)

*Retaliation and Harmful at 1:00 pm today hit 2 million copies sold!!!!!!

*Every once in a while some Internet wunderkin figures out a way to pretend to be me by hacking/copying/cloning or paintshop
pro-ing into or around my site. They then dupe some unfortunate visitors to their own "OFFICIAL" Dane Cook site and mess with them. EXAMPLE: Facebook -- not me and has never been me but it is an "OFFICIAL" Dane Cook site so I get email all the time "Dane thanks for writing me back on Facebook! Can't wait for the next tour!" More on the tour later but it's coming and it's going to be excellent. My point is this. Someone is toying with you.

I've also had people weasel their way into my page and change my
photos around. Many of you may remember three fun filled days last year where some pics of old naked gay guys having an orgy and a woman laying in her bath tub blowing shit out of her ass all over her own face appeared on my site. Certainly not my family vacation photos.

Someone, somewhere called my publicist and said I was writing to them because they... get this.... ready... they didn't like my comedy! I've never heard this before via Internet. I'm stunned. I wish I had a sarcasm font. It's not me and if it's negative it never is. I'm a pacifist and I don't partake in any superfluous garbage. But I guess someone (either the writer wanting press for his journal or some overzealous fan that hates haters hating me and wants to ruin their day) decided to play Dane and attack them. I don't condone this. Plus I always tell my fans to walk away from it. You can't fight a misanthropic opinion or straight out lies.

I hope by reading this I can encourage you all to do something for
yourself and people who truly need our attention. Instead of going
out now and trying to annihilate these keyboard assassins. Go to ANY SOLDIER and write someone in the armed forces. Don't blog back tonight. Do something that feels positive and benefits these people's lives. These soldiers would love to be opining on a blog site about their favorite comedians but, oh yea, THEY ARE GETTING SHOT AT and defending their fellow soldiers from people lurking around them ALL DAY AND NIGHT TRYING TO KILL THEM. "Hi, I'm perspective nice to meet you!"

I talk to these men and women online a lot and it really lifts their
spirits to know we are all thinking of them and care.

Regarding the newest stories, which I find smirk worthy at best, I
quote Bill Murray. Playing the cocky head counselor Tripper Harrison in the screwball comedy Meatballs. As he's leading a team of camp kids to win the 13th Olympia for the first time. His encouraging and on the money credo: "It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!"

*After 17 years doing what I love and projects lined up for the next two years --- I really feel like I don't have to prove anything. I mean it. Eddie Murphy said it best on the Actors Studio the other night. He just does his thing and moves on. No negativity and no remorse. Just do it and keep entertaining. I LOVE my job BABY !!!!!! ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/48/ Sun, 31 Dec 2006 17:10:47 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/48/ Dane Cook News RSS Hanks, Lopez, Cook to take stage

Tom Hanks, Jennifer Lopez and Dane Cook have been added as presenters at the 64th annual Golden Globe Awards. The Globes will be held Monday at the BevHilton and broadcast live on NBC beginning at 8 p.m.

Through the years a force of positive energy that got little acknowledgement sat beside me (or on my lap). His name is Beast (like Beastie Boys because he's getting live on the spot putting all kinds of shame in the game you got). I take him everywhere and I swear he has more frequent flyer miles than most citizens.

I wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR filled with hope and inspiration. I found inspiration through my fans years ago when I realized that all that I wanted to do was make people laugh the way my family laughed through most of the darkest times of our life. It's just that simple really. Everything else was challenging and cool. So many times this year I found myself saying I would like to try that! So, I did and you all came along for the journey.

Millions of new fans jumped on board this year. Things are just getting started. I've got BIG surprises and many exciting things to share but for the most part like this year -- one thing at a time. So let us look back at a partial list (in no particular order) of what we did together in 2006 as I say GOODBYE to one of the greatest and most emotional years of my life.

Filmed Vicious Circle in my hometown at the Boston Garden in front of 36,000+ people. It would air to record breaking viewership on HBO. It also has sold more than 230,000 copies since hitting DVD just weeks ago! It also had a theatrical release and was shown on an IMAX screen in Canada.

My first series Tourgasm aired on HBO and hit DVD this Christmas.

Performed in Chicago at the Allstate Arena in front of 20,000 people as a warm up for Vicious Circle. Did same at Mandalay Bay in front of 16,000 the day before.

Lived in New Mexico and filmed Employee of the Month my first starring role. Also, the first time I was on my own movie poster and billboard. The movie grossed 30 million dollars opposite the biggest movie of the year (Departed) and gave me a movie career.

Lived in Vancouver and filmed Good Luck Chuck with Jessica Alba and Dan Fogler. R-rated comedy coming out this summer.

Lived in Rhode Island and filmed Dan in Real Life with Steve Carell and Juliette Binoche.

Lived in Louisiana and filmed the thriller Mr. Brooks with Kevin Costner, William Hurt and Demi Moore.

Filmed my live show (Dane Cook Live @ Madison Square Garden) in New York City at the historic location in front of 38,000+ people.

Hosted the season premier of Saturday Night Live after doing the show not 10 months prior.

Went to Vegas and performed at Comic Relief and sold out two shows at the Caesar's Coliseum with my Tourgasm co-stars.

Sold a couple of movies to major film companies one a movie called Ex-Family and am workin' on it this year with Josh Stolberg who wrote Good Luck Chuck. The other is still hush hush.

A:F6 swept YouTube.

Teamed up with a killer media player company Dizzler.

Met more of my fans at clubs and venues. Thousands of photos and signed all I could sign from boobs to balls (that was awful too).

DaneCook.com getting millions of hits. Launched a merchandise section and am expanding on that this year.

Recorded and released "I'll Never Be You" online where you download music. Info here:
Go to my MySpace right now and download the DANE COOK MEDIA EXPERIENCE to hear my exclusive DEBUT SINGLE "I'll Never Be You" available where you download your mp3 music!!!

VH-1 award winner for Big Entertainer in 2006.

A hundred radio show call ins or appearances for various projects.

Billboard Award winner for RETALIATION as best comedy album of the year.

RETALIATION goes double platinum and HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED goes GOLD!

Cover of Time magazine as one of the 100 most influential people in the world (hello all of my ex-girlfriends ha)

Cover of Men's Health. Best shape of my life!

Threw out the first pitch at Fenway Park in Boston. My dad watching from the field.

Made a difference in the life of a young woman named Courtney Nicole Davis. She made a difference in mine very much so.

4th Most Googled Celebrity of 2006 according to People Magazine.
The list:

1)Channing Tatum
2)Chris Brown
3)Shakira
4)Dane Cook
5)Anna Nicole Smith
6)Jessica Alba
7)Oprah
8)Daddy Yankee
9)Britney Spears
10)Jessica Simpson

Lost my mom on July 3rd. Yet I gained a spirit, that much like she did when alive, keeps me away from negative energy and shows me the truth. I really miss my mom around but she gets to watch all of this moment to moment now. She loved my fans and chatting it up with you all and hearing what you enjoyed. She would want me to wish you all a great new year and I know she would say this is YOUR year.

FINALLY.

Almost everything I did this year promotional wise be it print, radio or televised I would say please support stand-up comedy. I watched stand-up first, as a fan in the 1980s become the biggest, coolest job ever. Then it practically dried up during the 1990's and I witnessed the job occupation of being a comedian become a punch line itself. In early 2000 stand-up came back with a newfound image and energy. It became about individuality more than ever. It was no longer about creating a character and having to then do a sit-com.

Guys like Chappelle, Hedberg, Rock, Attell, and Black became my favorites due to their original approach. Proving that comedy is not about 'jokes' at all. Drunken guys hanging in a bar tell jokes. Readers Digest prints jokes. Bubble gum wrappers have jokes written on them. Any one can tell a joke but these comedians do something incredible as they paint verbal pictures and connect with the masses!

Why did I stick with it? Consider this. ANYWHERE you get your entertainment these days someone is sanitizing it before you get the full creative vision. Standards and practice, editors, producers and FCC regulators pick and fiddle with most artists creations before it is shown to you.

Yet, you can still walk into any club or theater and watch a comedian alone with a mic tell you their ideas from their minds to your ears and that remains glamorous and important. The perfect way to release stress. Escape the grind that is reality. Without someone conditioning it to suit your lifestyle.

I've always talked about how comedians are the best people I know. True we are some of the most fragile and intricate folks on this planet. NO we don't all get along and YES there are clicks with pecking orders aplenty. One of my favorite aspects of this year was people and comedians debating, well, me. I didn't listen to much of it because beyond what I offer this community I tend to focus on other things when I am not doing it. Just enjoying my family, my success and the world around me, as just a regular guy not the entertainer most of you see.

But I get the jist from friends and fans telling me there are negative rumbles and fingers waggin' and you know why I love the debating and even the knocks? Because from it people are picking, choosing talking up and flaunting whoever their favorite comedian is. They are passionate about comedians and comedy. They may think I am crap but so and so is the funniest guy ever! That exposure is what we all desire when we begin this chaotic journey with zero to no options other than gig, perform and evolve.

My goal achieved. In this lifetime most people will NOT dig what you do but how great is it when even people not enjoying what you provide they seek out and find entities that bring them joy. The lies. False speculations. The drama and the shear lunacy of what I have acquired in peoples eyes. The balking and the superfluous labels all fade and what is left is you laughing with a crowd at someone that is special to you.

Start off 2007 right and hit a comedy club. Find the next big thing and laugh your friggin' tits and balls off. My fans did this for me 17 years ago and what a time we've had.

Chris Rock called me after Vicious Circle aired. How special it was to have a fellow performer and one of the greatest comedians ever that I admire call me up and say some of the things he said about my show and performance. It was tremendous validation for me. Man -- I was floored and proud when I got that call. I sit here and think about that and what Steve Martin whispered to me after watching my show in NYC 3 years ago and I want that for all my peers. To have moments they only dream about come to fruition.

[UPDATE 1/5/07]
RETALIATION HAS OFFICIALLY SOLD OVER 1 MILLIONS COPIES - FUCK YEA!!!!! DOUBLE PLATINUM!!!!!!

VICIOUS CIRCLE HAS SOLD OVER 250,000 COPIES IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS!!!!!

TOURGASM HAS SOLD OVER 50,000 COPIES IN A WEEK!!!!

BIG(GER) NEWS COMING ANY DAY NOW SO STAY TUNED EVERYONE!!!!!









]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/47/ Thu, 07 Dec 2006 17:10:18 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/47/ Dane Cook News RSS
By the way has anyone noticed that in all of the pics of Britney Spears getting out of the car with no underwear her vagina looks like a stroke victims mouth?

Everyone listen up! I've got a surprise for ya. ANY MINUTE NOW I will be posting links to something I know many of you have ..... well, enough about this for now. I'll just wait and you will too but it's something that will only costcha a buck and ---- gotta go!!!!

]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/46/ Fri, 01 Dec 2006 09:26:38 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/46/ Dane Cook News RSS
The song "I'll Never Be You" is something everyone asks me about and where can they download it. HAHAHAHAHAHA ---- check back here every day because I have YET another surprise for ya. I've kept this one under wraps for a lil bit. Come back!!!

Hope your Thanksgiving was free of hassle and you ate some good grub. One of my clearest thoughts of Thanksgiving was each year at about 5:30 am waking to the sound of my mom screaming "THIS IS THE LAST YEAR I'M DOING THIS" from the kitchen. That accompanied by noises that I can only describe is that it sounded like she was being raped by a pan monster.

This year I went home after such highlights as doing two shows at Madison Square Garden. Seeing SOLD OUT as I arrived was quite a deal. After that hopping a flight to Vegas where me and my TOURGASM buddies reunited to perform the only two sold out shows (4500 each gig at the Caesars Palace Colosseum) during the Comedy Festival down there. I also had the honor of participating in Comic Relief the following night. Needless to say I didn't sleep. Nor did I want to. It was memories non-stop from coast to coast.

MSG was another in the round show like Vicious Circle in Boston. I did 90 minutes both shows. My father was in the crowd as was most of my family. Despite the fact they were just at the 18,000 plus shows in Boston they all wanted to see the nearly 20,000 seat venue and how I was do my thing in front of the NYC folks. Boston is the place I started comedy but New York was the bully that forced me to cut the fat and get to the real shit within. Boston was my training in the early 90's but NYC I credit for kicking my fucking asshole every night so I didn't get lazy or think I was better than I was. NYC crowds are unforgiving but they are also your biggest supporters if you are no bullshit and play your game from the heart.

My favorite part of the night was when I was hanging out with the ushers that had worked the Garden for over 25 years each (see above photo). These guys had the best stories and have seen it all. We talked about when Dice was there and how Bob Hope and George Burns had taken the stage. "your turn to go up on the wall Mr. Cook" one of them said as I was walking the famous hallway where tons of live photos of everyone from Elvis to the Rolling Stones to Bruce Springsteen proudly hang. Daunting? Ha! I told you all years ago. Where the fear is -- that's where the good stuff is found. I wanted to hit that stage the minute I walked in the door.

I DID film the shows. I DID tons of new stuff. I DON'T KNOW what I am going to do with the footage. I wanted to film this one unlike Vicious. Which was slick and cut like a diamond. Nope. I wanted this to be almost bootlegy and raw. I performed in Boston like it was an EVENT but I performed in New York like it was a big comedy club. Many of you noticed and emails poured in saying that Boston felt different. Ugh-huh true. Somehow MSG turned into the Comedy Cellar north for a few hours as I just banged it out with little course set or destination determined.

Check back for updates about when and where the footage may or may not be seen. I have to think about it for a while.

Vicious Circle is being released this week and you can buy it in stores everywhere. TONS of bonus shit and the 40 minutes of material I had to cut from the HBO event. You have to see it to really understand why I had to cut it down. It was wild and sometimes out of control! One last thing is that VC is also in theaters for ONE NIGHT with the 40 minutes cut back in!!! So see it on the big screen next week. The link is on the left.

Off to Vegas after that where I just fucking played and goofed with my boys. TOURGASM shows kicked ass and the guys all brought new shit to the stage. Gulman killed with a Mel Gibson rant that was an instant classic and RK just doused the crowd with his rapid fire spaztic jabber. Jay Davis opened the show and proved he was not just a host anymore as his comedy improves month to month and his hair gets more and more lovely.

I bumped into several comedians that I had not hung with in forever and got to catch up all around. Highlights were hanging with Williams, Crystal and Whoopi backstage and chatting it up with them.

I had one of the weirdest weeks of my life everyone. It started off on such a low note and ended with the highest peak. And that my friends is called life.
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/44/ Fri, 17 Nov 2006 21:13:56 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/44/ Dane Cook News RSS Yet that will have to come later because tonight I want to share something else with you all.

This last week was just a roller coaster of a time. It ended in perfect positive fashion with the 2 MSG performances on Sunday night. My father watching me do my thing in the building he used to come watch his favorite boxers jab their way to glory. When I returned home I received an email from the family of a very special fan and someone I will always consider a friend.

Her name is Courtney Nicole. Her story is compelling. It easily reminds me of WHY I do what I do. I lost my mother to cancer. She just loved to laugh and it was something I loved providing my mom. I also do what I do because people like Courtney can take a bit of time to break free of pain and smile and forget their disease or hardships.

Thank you Courtney and her family for letting me call you guys and make Courtney laugh! My prayers are with you and I know my fans are sending their good vibes your way. My mother told me when she was in her final days that she would be at my shows now and forever and will have the best seat in the house. I know Courtney will be enjoying these shows from the same row.

If any of my fans would like to read about Courtney and make a donation to her fund please take a moment to visit Courtney Nicole's Journal.

My next show is dedicated to Courtney Nicole.

Dane]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/40/ Fri, 10 Nov 2006 00:20:26 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/40/ Dane Cook News RSS
Vicious Circle THE MOVIE -- yup -- info on the TOUR PAGE!

Madison Square Garden - this Nov 12th. The 1st show sold out in several hours so I figured I'd make history twice in one night by adding another show. Get tix quick cause they are flying away. Two shows, 20,000 people at each. In the round. The last comedian to headline there was Dice. I used to watch him coming up and was always impressed by how Dice did it onstage. Master of the game and one of the guys that has really inspired me. Before Dice George Burns and Bob Hope were the only other guys to ever do a show at the actual Garden. I'm following in huge footsteps but is that not what life is about? The attempt?

I want to take a minute to thank some people that never get enough praise from me. For years DJs across this country have been real champions of mine. They play my stuff and talk (sometimes smack) about me but it's always spreading my comedy across the world to millions of listeners. I've done a ton of morning shows live or call in's or pre-tapes. Sure some DJs are bitter or mail it in or make stuff up to generate "good radio" but that percentage is small. Most of the people I have worked with are true broadcasters. My father was a broadcaster and I have a deep respect for radio and the people that perform in this medium. One time I hosted a show in Miami for 4 hours pretty much alone as a "guest DJ" and it was tough! Having to constantly talk and be entertaining about -- well anything happening in the world takes more focus than people realize. Thank you all for allowing me on your airwaves!

I was just thinking of a comedian that I really miss. His name was Freddie Soto. I used to work with him in Los Angeles at the Laugh Factory. July 10, 2005 he passed away. I was just thinking of some of my friends in stand-up that really continue to make me work hard and laugh loud. Freddie was, and will always be, one of my most cherished memories of "coming up" in LA. He was never not funny.

Another person that really impacted me and was one of the nicest people I've ever met was Shirley Hemphill. People remember her as the actress from What's Happening? But to me she will always be a stand-up comedian. Shirley loved watching comedians do their thing and even when she was ill and failing in her later years she would sometimes stick around hours after her set to watch and critique me. I remember telling her to go home and rest but she would sit on her favorite stool in the lobby and tell me she wanted to hang out and watch what I was going to do. Life keeps going on but sometimes it feels good to think back to the people that made you want to go on at all!

This post will grow later today. I'm finally tired and have to zzz for a bit. But there is more over at my Official Dane Cook MySpace Zone. By the way we just hit 200,000 comments!!!]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/38/ Sat, 14 Oct 2006 21:07:55 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/38/ Dane Cook News RSS
"Employee of the Month, from those shrewd folks at Lionsgate. Inexplicably, Lionsgate has another hit on their hands, as Employee beat all expectations, earning $11.8 million over its first three days. Released to 2,579 venues, the Dane Cook/Jessica Simpson comedy earned a venue average of $4,575."

THANK YOU everyone! I am already getting feedback and talking to entities about future projects. Couple of awesome comedy scripts came to me as well and I look forward to getting going on the next one. More 411 to come.

A:F6 shirts on their way. PRE-order in my BUY STUFF section.

On November 12, 2006 I will be performing at Madison Square Garden as part of the New York Comedy Festival. The tickets to this event are available beginning at 9:00AM today for my fans only by clicking HERE and by entering the password SUFI. As you can imagine, tickets will sell very fast, that's why I've made them available exclusively to you for the first several minutes. Visit 'New York Comedy Festival' for more information.

Due to the high ratings NBC is re-airing the season premiere of mySNL last Saturday at 11:29PM with musical guest The Killers. Tonight!

More 411 on Employee right here. starring role in a film will be released nationwide. It is laugh out loud funny.

TRL TODAY at 3:30pm EST!

PLUS watch me beat my son up on Jimmy Kimmel on the 4th!

TODAY TOMORROW with the whole cast! PLUS watch me beat my son up on Jimmy Kimmel on the 4th!

I'm also appearing on my first magazine cover on stands now. It's called Men's Health. There is some stuff over in my PRESS section about it too.

YES - My MySpace has hit 1.5 million friends! THANK YOU to everyone that has asked for approval. The comments and photos you send are always funny, profound, wild, shocking and appreciated.

YES - I did a DANEcast and it is on iTunes or my MySpace. Go eat that up with your ears.

UPDATE: HBO has informed me that VC was the HIGHEST ON DEMAND show requested! There is a whole new generation of tv watchers and we watch shit when we want to. THANK YOU GUYS AND GIRLS. The reviews are SCREAMING in. Vicious Circle is a winner! After 16 years of want and need I finally did what I told you all I would do. No matter what happens after this they can't take it away from me now. Man that feels fucking wonderful. THANK YOU for the emails. I am still reading away.

The sound was deafening. 18,000 people. All surrounding me. Cheering, throwing SU-FIs and applauding on their feet as I stood dead center in a sold out Boston Garden.
I heard one guy scream, "you made it Dane Cook!" I know I thought. I really have. Fuck - it was a long damn way over thousands of miles. A decade and a half later standing in a place that was just 20 minutes from the house I grew up in over on Wright Street in Arlington. The home I admitted to my parents. Mom. Dad. I want to be a stand-up comedian.
I looked up at the Boston Celtics banners hanging above me. All their championships they had won on this historic spot. I was at many of these games growing up and remember looking around thinking of what it must be like to hit a three point game winning shot and have the arena go wild for you. I saw Aerosmith here and looked around thinking of how it must feel to be playing the opening riff to Sweet Emotion and hearing Steven Tyler scream "How ya feelin' Boston?!"
I think I know how that must have felt for Danny Ainge now. Joe Perry starts that lick because I am ready to rock.
A group of kids were reaching up for me to high five them with huge grins. Before the show I had blocked out the first few hundred front row seats. I had someone go to the last row of the Garden (nosebleed section Z99) and bring kids that could not get good seats down to sit there. My dad and I could never afford to sit on the floor during games and I never got front row seats to concerts so I thought this would be a bad ass memory for the lucky guys and girls picked. I looked at all of them and ran smacking all the hands I could. This would be my best performance in my entire career thus far. I knew it.
Every single time I took the stage coming up it was for this show. It was learning something that would work in this show. It was fine-tuning an attitude or a tempo that would service this show. It was honing in on my truth so it could connect with everyone in the room at this show. I had come home to close the circle.
The name. Vicious Circle. I wanted to do a show in the round so it was an easy concept. The circle. The road to get here was unforgiving and although my journey was a blast most of the time. When it was bad it was really bad. Broke. Alone. No girlfriend to keep you company and no family to protect you. Just you. Driving. Sometimes all night to get to a place where a handful of folks might be waiting to see my show. To make just enough money to get you gas and food to get you home! It was vicious sometimes but then again so was I. I was vicious with my determination. There was no plan B for me and I was not going to let the negative bullshit deter me. I stayed away from anything that would taint my attitude or my creative process. I steered clear of lost souls and people that would hamper my stride. Only thing on my horizon ... I want to perform comedy for the world. I want to make people laugh everywhere without losing my integrity or tarnishing my families name. I will make it with pride and without being a fucking asshole or a side stepping cheating douche bag. I won't take cheap shots at others that have earned more than me and I won't judge those with less. Who gives a fruit flies balls about what anyone else is saying about my path and me. I'm on it and you know this is leading me somewhere that's why you nip at my heels.
Vicious Circle is what I would call my show because that is what I fought for endlessly for my young adult life. To come home and leave my name in the history books with this one gift God blessed me with.
Last week in Vancouver I rented an IMAX theater and screened a rough cut of VC for the cast and crew of my new movie Good Luck Chuck. I also invited 400 local fans through my website to come down for free and eat some treats while viewing the show. I didn't know how a theater of people would react to it. I didn't know how I would!
I sat there and it started. The image was so gigantic that I was wide eyed. I have never watched myself in this way. I rarely watch myself at all to be honest but this was something unique. It was the first time that I knew how it felt to be in a show watching me! I quite enjoyed sitting in the crowd for my show. Because I was watching the kid from Arlington do a simple thing. Make laughs. I felt very accomplished and wanted to tell you all about it.
Too many times I say thank you to my fans but fuck it. Thank you. It really seems to get better and better year-to-year. I completed everything I set out to do and it's about to air in front of the world. Am I nervous? Nope. Am I content? Yes. Is this the end of the road for comedy? Did I mention I have a few new goals up my sleeve? Stay turned and I will letcha know how that long drive through the night is going.
September 4th at 9:00 ET/PT tune in and watch my finest hour (and a half). You have never seen anything like what you are about to witness. New material mixed with some favorites that no one has ever seen, only heard on a CD or online. Of course updated and version 2.0'd. What goes around has come around. SUperFInger and remember to tell everyone you know about the show. It's a holy shit moment.

Join for an EXCLUSIVE video!

VICIOUS CIRCLE MYSPACE PAGE
Employee of the Month Tickets]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/37/ Sat, 12 Aug 2006 18:58:23 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/37/ Dane Cook News RSS
1st: Blessings to all of you that have written regarding my mother passing away. Thousands of deeply touching and personal words. I've read every one of them and feel pretty damn good doing so. You are special citizens! My mother is in my heart and I know feels the lourve with me. Thank you all.

2nd-ly: QUESTION I KEEP GETTING - "TOURGASM is almost over. Are you bummed?"

Nope. I am not upset at all. I'm thrilled that TOURGASM will live on in the form of DVD(s). Me and the guys just finished commentary for all 9 episodes and with over 420 plus hours of footage NEVER BEFORE SEEN we plan on putting out plenty of bonus stuff when it drops (Thanksgiving / X-mas time I am guessing).

The episode tonight is probably my favorite because I went back and visited my high school. I never expected to be welcomed back the way I was. It was remarkable.

QUESTION: "Is TOURGASM a success?"

Yup. The highest demo in HBO history for 18-34 viewers. Some critics knocked it but all that mattered to me was reading the fan mail and hearing you say you were loving it. There are people that wanted it to be something else. But this show was about letting off some steam and having a good time. Cynical people tuned out because it's a show about trusting your gut and living a dream not booting heroin and fucking hookers. I wanted people to see the side of comedy that was never before seen.

All the guys are on the road making great money for their families and looking towards my OFFICAL TOURGASM TOUR coming very soon. Come back for more on that later. TOURGASM 2? Well here is the plan ahhhh ummm ..... more later.
TOURGASM MYSPACE PAGE

2nd: Question I keep getting. "Where is the new comedy at DC?"

With RETALIAION inching towards double plat and HARMFUL almost at platinum new fans jump on board with each new moment people are hungry for new shit. With TOURGASM I did a lot of best of stuff so I would not burn the new material I was working on. TOURGASM was not about the onstage stand-up as much as offstage lives so I wanted to hold off and not let bits out half finished.

This September 4th, on HBO, my debut comedy event VICIOUS CIRCLE airs. HBO didn't want to call it a special because this thing is unlike anything I or HBO has ever done. 90 minutes in front of 18,000 comedy fans @ the Boston Garden in the round. It is an event and it is going to blow you the fuck away. 90% of the material is new with a few surprises thrown in that no one has ever seen me do live! I am truly in awe by how this looks and the flow of my performance. In one night I stepped into the performance that I always strived for. Top of my game or the game in general and telling the world I'm not trying to leave a mark in comedy I want to leave a fucking gash. A few of my comedian buddies have seen it and just tell me "get ready -- it's all over."

3rd: QUESTION - "What are you working on now?"

R-rated sex comedy called GOOD LUCK CHUCK. Jessica Alba and myself. Shooting in Vancouver for 6 weeks. We are a week into production and I'm total digging it. Alba is really funny in a way I've never seen her before. Then right into DAN IN REAL LIFE with Steve Carell. Finished MR. BROOKS, a Se7en type thriller, with Kevin Costner and Demi Moore a few weeks ago where I play a wanna be serial killer (correct... not funny, but a terrific role as an actor) and a cameo in TRANSFORMERS to be shot in August. EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH OFFICIAL SITE drops in a few weeks and it is really, really great. Funny and has a lot of heart. I trust you will all like it.

Finding plenty of time to sneak on stage and work on material though! I've built an army of fans on this Dane train. I have always wanted to bring you into this film world with me so we are doing it. Hope you enjoy the films alongside my stand-up.

Oh and I am hosting the TEEN CHOICE awards live on FOX this August 20th where I am also nominated for BEST COMEDIAN! So VOTE HERE for me!

I've got a few more surprises but don't wanna drop that info yet. Come back in a minute and I will tell you my SUPER FRIGGIN' NEWS about what else I am doing in September!!!!

SUperFInger to you all.
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/36/ Thu, 13 Jul 2006 17:11:46 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/36/ Dane Cook News RSS
My mothers name was Donna Cook. She had an amazing laugh. Loved to make other people laugh, although shy, and she so deeply enjoyed watching all of her children go on to make something of themselves. A kind, honest woman who could also be tough and determined. She was my champion.

Mom loved coming out to my shows. Starting out in Boston she would come out to the clubs or Chinese restaurants that had comedy nights and sit in the back eating and enjoying the show. Sometimes she would actually heckle me! One time she yelled out because I forgot what I was saying after being distracted. Trying to help she shouted out and a guy "shushed" her. I had to say to him please don't tell my mom to shut-up she can yell out whatever she wants.

But her favorite thing to do was watch all of you watch me. After shows she would give me play by play driving home on who laughed and how they laughed. She would act out how people would hit each other and wipe their eyes cause they were crying from laughing so hard. I was as entertained watching her recap for me as you were watching me do my act.

She so enjoyed when I would read fan mail to her. I would call her or sit with her and read wonderful letters from around the world. People discovering me and my passion for performing. I find myself reading fan emails out loud the last week so she can hear them too.

Her words of wisdom stay with me and always have over my career. She watched this past year with pride and wonder. Sometimes people ask me how the hell I've done so much and I think a part of me was wanting to show her everything I promised I would achieve. She saw it all. She watched my hbo VICIOUS CIRCLE footage and was proud. My promise to my mom 16 years ago was to someday do my very own HBO special because my family and I used to watch young comedians specials and stuff on there and just got a kick out of cracking up together and quoting our favorite comedians. She also got to see early footage of my first leading role in a film Employee of the Month and, again, was just so happy to see I was doing what I love.

My mother said the words that I read and remember everyday in my office. I was feeling down and unsure a few years back. She confidently said, "You embrace that which defines you, Dane." Like her and my dad raised me I lived the life of a comedian. I was true to my voice. I have never gotten bitter or resentful when I had nothing or no opportunities. I didn't let it go to my head when I got something or made a little money. Didn't lie or step on toes to get to where I desired and didn't steal one word or try to emulate another persons persona. I have been true to myself, my family and my fans.

But more than anyone I honored my mothers wishes. To never stop no matter what anyone said or did to me. Because the only thing that matters is living in the truth and doing what you love.

Okay so this post isn't funny but it is important. Do me a favor. Laugh today. Listen to a CD that gets you going and just fucking laugh for a few. It is how I'd like my fans to honor the person who deserves the most applause my mother Donna Cook.

I love you and miss you mom, but I know you told me after you were gone you'd have the best seat in the house. ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/35/ Wed, 12 Jul 2006 15:58:40 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/35/ Dane Cook News RSS
UPDATE: I am hosting the Teen Choice awards with the darling Jessica Simpson (my co-star in E of the M). We look forward to a night of silly shit.

Employee of the Month is being released September 15th in theaters everywhere! More 411 over at the LIONSGATE website here:

Employee of the Month

I just watched my HBO special Vicious Circle. Words can not describe what was captured. Marty Callner has directed something captivating. I said I wanted to do something that has never been done and show it in a way that has never been shown. We've accomplished this. 17 cameras rolling on 18,000 people while I do my thing in the round. I promise you a show that will drop your jaw. I'm at my absolute best right now. I've never felt more connected with my fans and myself. Stay tuned to TOURGASM for a glimpse!

June 11th at 11:00 PM TOURGASM began. FUN FACT: The awesome new band Wolfmother has joined forces with me and Tourgasm. Their song "Dimension" is our opening credits theme music! They are the best. Thanks guys and keep kicking faces in with your music. OH and the entire show has an unreal soundtrack that me and my editors put together. Tons of emerging artists or unsigned talent. I wanted to help some others while this good fortune I've been given. So keep your eyes out for a TOURGASM soundtrack in a bit.

9 episodes cut down from over 450 hours of footage (can someone say DVD extras?) airing without filter and with every bit of truth intact.

What is TOURGASM?

Let me tell you what it isn't. It's not a bullshit reality show that is staged and over produced. This is the real deal, a life on the road story showing where a ton of passion and determination can lead a person to. This is showing you what it means to love what you do and like who you are doing it with. This series takes a look at me and my three best friends driving show to show on a great bus in order to perform our stand up comedy. Yet, it's also about driving through life trying to get somewhere that brings you joy and good vibe. Doing that with all the crap and confrontation that goes with standing up for yourself and your beliefs.

I've watched anything comedy for my whole life. Learned from the greats before me. Once I saw Jerry Seinfeld's Comedian I thought although it was great people could not connect with a guy that was a billionaire returning to do club dates. I wanted to show guys that have everything in front of them and what happens when we realize we may not get what we desire. It's scary as shit doing this for a living but the high of making people laugh outweighs the knowledge that it may end in a place where you don't have much collected to provide for a family or even yourself -- after the laughs is where TOURGASM starts.

We focus, goof, fight, cry, hurt, battle, compete, support, prank, propel and destroy each other for 30 days. To get to 20 shows between Cali and Boston. 4 unique people coming together in the hopes of not tearing each other apart. All this on 1 bus -- and a bad ass bus it is -- that will be our home...and yours while you watch.

We say it's a "bad ass" bus and a "bad ass" tour! So what I ask is this. Help me and the boys get the word about this special labor of love out there to anyone that doesn't know we exist. Become a BADASSADOR of TOURGASM! All the 411 is right here. And just enjoy this show. No one knew it would someday be on HBO. We just knew we were making a "bad ass" home movie.

Become a BADASSADOR of TOURGASM

HBO TOURGASM SITE

Every once in a great while (which means never) someone writes something that captures exactly what was in your heart when you did it. They articulate it and describe it in a way that you HOPE someone sees after putting all your time and energy into such an undertaking. SHECKY MAGAZINE (an online magazine supporting the world of stand up comedy) has written such a thing. They have always been a place that doesn't pussy foot and puts it out there in plain site. Not to bash or over pat a back ... they just say what is on their minds concerning this world we live in called stand up comedy. In fairness they have not always been "by my side" but I respect that. Here they review TOURGASM in a way I could only have hoped it would be perceived. For what it is. SHECKY MAGAZINE

UPDATED 1: Last night was a blessing and a curse. I hope you all (California fans that went to the final episode taping) got the emails that went out today working towards a solution. If not ask the friend that took you please! Most of the event was out of my control and I'm embarrassed and pissed at the way things went down. During the meet and greet I discovered this bracelet thing and was stunned. I once went to a concert where I was given an ALL ACCESS PASS and found out that ALL ACCESS actually meant anywhere except where I wanted to go which was backstage! I will DO MY BEST to make things right but realize that may not even matter to some people due to frustration. In 16 years of entertaining I pride myself on being thorough when organizing shows. This was a situation where I was not in control of some decisions and in retrospect wish I was. I truly appreciate that you came and held up your end of the deal. Check your email, consider it and know I am doing what I always do with you all... reaching out.

UPDATE 2: Just wrapped production on my 2nd leading role in a movie, Mr. Brooks. Doing some ADR (that is when you go in and re-record some lines in the movie that may not have sounded good) on Employee of the Month as we finish that up. So what is next? Besides stand-up. My next film, which starts shooting in July UP IN VANCOUVER and MONTREAL, is with Jessica Alba. She is a great person and owned the mtv movie awards. This is a role where you get to see her in a whole new light. Girl is damn funny!]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/34/ Sat, 06 May 2006 21:05:53 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/34/ Dane Cook News RSS
This is yet another moment where I am sitting, staring at this unreal achievement and remembering how many times I hung out with fans after shows over the years. How many of you would say things along the lines of "don't stop what you're doing Dane" or "you'll get paid back for the hard work and passion." I have in so many ways this last year has been and continues to be really fucking special.

They speak about how I have blazed a new trail in the world on stand up comedy and business. Several of you are writing and asking what my thoughts are on this prestigious inclusion and what it means to me. I will tell you this. I never wanted to be just a kinda funny guy in some club in the middle of some place. I made a decision when I started that I would do everything in my power to take this art form I respect and love participating in and around so much to new places. Entertainment is why I am alive and on this planet. I've always avoided doing it like other people do it. Putting my own spin on things on and off stage is where my desire lived. Leaving a mark that forever showed people my "love of the game."

I can say without ego that I have done what I set out to do. These amazing times are not the end of a chapter but the end of a book for me. I have a new "book" I am writing but now I have a fan base worldwide to share these accomplishments with. I may not always hit the mark. I may fuck up and slip now and again but knowing that 16 years of going with my gut took me here! I can really go full tilt and bring ideas to life in newer and bigger ways. I hope you all realize this is something I could never have done alone. Thanks for sticking by me and thank you to Time Magazine for this wonderful honor I've shared with my family, friends and fans. SUperFInger.

More stuff to come in my next update and let me tell you this. It's major.

If you would like to read the article here is the link or it's in my PRESS section:

TIME MAGAZINE

And vote at Time.com for my ranking on the top 5 of that list @

Time's Top 5

I have to throw out some hometown lovin' to Boston. I am going to be on Chronicle next week but to see an exclusive clip hit this:

Chronicle Interview

Just to clear up a couple of rumors. YES I sold a movie idea to Disney but the name leaked out "Dad Knap" is wrong. I don't have a title for it yet. The other movie with the Weinstein Company is called "Ex-Family".]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/33/ Mon, 17 Apr 2006 03:55:02 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/33/ Dane Cook News RSS
Until you have a chance to see it debut on HBO just know that I poured 16 years of desire into those performances. I've already seen some of the footage and I was in awe. It looks like a dream.

I have to thank everyone involved with this night. The fans first off. You brought this show out of me and put this show in me! All the people on my team, many with me for a decade. My family. I love you guys and it was emotional seeing you all around me after the gig. HBO for trusting me and letting me do it my way. My friends. Bobby, Al, Jay(s), Gary -- for taking the time out of your busy careers. The whole crew for your time and effort. The stage looked fucking awesome. SUperFInger to you all.

Were there some f-ups? Yup. Some sound issues, crazed fans rushing the stage? Yes - but it all was a part of the adventure but you all stayed patient and we worked through it. In the end its all going to cut together like a dream and you will be proud to say you were there I promise. The first show was an hour and a half and the second show two hours and fourty minutes!

I've got so many things up my short sleeve. If you think this is the peak you're wrongified. This was the place I needed to get to. Where I could look out and know I or anyone can get whatever we want if we just work insanely hard towards it. To trust your vision.

THANK YOU for reading this and making it worth every moment. I drove all alone for years to shows. Sometimes through the night going to places where people wouldn't care I was there and wouldn't care once I left. Those days are long gone but I never forget who stood by me.

Someone asked me "Dane were you nervous about the show on the 15th?"

"Never" I responded. "I was nervous in 1995 thinking it may never happen. There was nothing to be nervous about now. All I have to do is what I've always done. Tell the truth and enjoy the shit out of each moment."

4/27/06 - FEEL FREE TO READ OR POST NEW COMMENTS @ MYSPACE COMMENTS]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/31/ Fri, 14 Apr 2006 12:07:43 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/31/ Dane Cook News RSS
Nothing more to say. I'm ready for the show. I want to see those SUperFIngers high up in the air.

My MySpace has reached over 1,000,000 friends.

To anyone that doesn't believe.

A million people can't be wrong.

Dane]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/29/ Fri, 31 Mar 2006 09:19:29 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/29/ Dane Cook News RSS
UPDATE - Thanks to Steve Carell and everyone at THE OFFICE on NBC for droppin' my name in your show. Very cool to say the very least. I look forward to filming Dan in Real Life very soon.

And Hey -

So I'm writing to you on what turns out to be an incredible night of announcements. My first CD/DVD Harmful If Swallowed has gone GOLD (due to the success of RETALIATION; new people finding HARMFUL after) and I could not be more proud. This is a CD I recorded and before signing a record deal with Com Cent was shipping them out myself. Thank you to everyone that purchased it and enjoyed it. Now for the REAL BIG NEWS ...

Remember when I told you all about the HBO SPECIAL (the one I am filming in Boston April 15th) and said it was my big secret. I lied. Well not really lied but I had to keep some things under wraps until I worked out all the kinks with my friends at HBO.

I've signed a deal with HBO to do SEVERAL things. TOURGASM will be airing on HBO as a documentary series!!!! We will begin airing episodes on June 11th @ 11:00 on SUNDAY NIGHTS. Myself, Gary Gulman, Robert Kelly and Jay Davis on a massive road trip playing awesome venues. This is a concert tour like you've never seen before. Tune the heck in and finally see the show that changed our lives and careers.

There is so much more to the deal but I will let you read for yourself at one of these two links.

Variety

Hollywood Reporter]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/28/ Sat, 25 Feb 2006 01:47:40 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/28/ Dane Cook News RSS
The other day someone was asking how I remain so positive much of the time. So upbeat. Okay. I pity / loathe negative, bitter, jealous, cynical assholes. I try to find the good in whatever I do or what ever happens to me. Life sometimes fucks me in the ass (like anyone) and that don't make me smile for sure but I'm not gonna take away from someone else because I got rained on. I do comedy. My comedy. I'm one of the hardest working guys out there. I expect nothing but growth each and every time I hit the stage. I don't mail it in and I keep my routine original and exciting for me and you. I've survived 16 years doing it and feel more accomplished in the last few years than you could ever know. I share that with my family and my fans. I am an entertainer and I suck at anything else I've ever tried outside of it. This is my gift and it's also my passion. I truly enjoy performing. No one can take away from me what I've earned and that is that. People who complain about it or hate on it are just wishing they could do what I do.

I've lost. I try again and move a bit forward. I've failed. I refuse to let that define me. I've learned from those mistakes and from there I made them into my win. I'm happy to make the masses laugh. Until my ride is over I'm digging the whole journey.

I'm on Itunes Video right now if you want to DL my comedy to your iPod!

Many of you may remember me talking about my HUGE SECRET for many months. I finally revealed it a few weeks ago -- my debut HBO CONCERT SPECIAL. Welp.... I gotta say there is actually]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/27/ Sun, 29 Jan 2006 23:25:46 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/27/ Dane Cook News RSS
Comics are a unique breed. And although competitive much of the time once in a while we put down our guard and slap each other on the ass with a "good play" greeting or a "you suck" (code for "kicking ass man"). Many of the greatest comedians I've ever known or watched over my life and many that are working today have reached out to muss up my hair and pass on a congrats (many then asking me how to set up a myspace or bad ass website). I am sometimes shocked at these phone calls or emails because I'm a fan right back. So to my peers I appreciate you seeing my hard work and sacrifice. We all deserve something for the massive amount of time dedicated to this craft. I wish you the same opportunities and good fortune that I've been blessed to experience.

When I announced just over one week ago that a pre-sale would be held for tickets to my April 15th show at the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston, and that HBO would be there filming it as part of an upcoming special that my fans would come out and buy some tickets... What I didn't expect is the phone call 72 hours later telling me that all 17,000 seats were SOLD OUT. A new box office record for a pre-sale!

Therefore, I have decided to add another show on the evening of April 15th @ 7:00PM so that more of my fans can be part of what will be an unforgettable night in Beantown. Tickets for this HBO taping go on pre-sale Monday January 23rd at 10:00AM and are available by clicking HERE and by entering the password SUFI. Once again MY FANS get first dibs, but in a matter of hours the password will be lifted and tix will go onsale to the general public.

**UPDATE - This is a theatre in the round show (stage in the middle). This means there are no "behind the stage" seats. I will be working all sides so everyside is the front side! Between that and the fact it will be on huge screens there is not a bad seat in the house!]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/26/ Wed, 04 Jan 2006 22:50:44 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/26/ Dane Cook News RSS
Regarding where 2005 would lead me to. And I wish this for all of you.

"2006cess" - My mom.

I started doing stand-up comedy in 1990. I dedicated myself to something that almost everyone told me was "crazy to pursue" and was "impossible to succeed in" given the low to non existent odds at "making it." Nothing could stop me from doing stand-up comedy because it was not about where it would take me but where I would take it. This was my goal, quest and purpose with my one life. I always trusted my gut that I could make my mark in this industry because I would never give less than 100% or get involved in unnecessary drama. Just be honest with my audience. Focus solely on pleasing myself, my friend, family and people that give a shit about what I am saying.

I "made it" the day I started. 1990 was the year that I felt purpose. 1990 was the year I felt accomplished. 1990 was the year that 2005 was waiting for to start so I could slowly move towards it never knowing how huge of a year it would turn out to be. All I had to do was put in the time. Work and wait, years and years, for my fans to find me or vice versa. I had to pay my dues and learn every life lesson. I had to get beat the f down and witness or be apart of once in a lifetime moments on and off stage. I had to build character and start a business that would grow into a company that would propel me towards something more than just average. Because lets face it does anyone want to be mediocre at what they do? No one can take away the hard work I put in. 15 years without a net.

The money never mattered much. I just remembered doing so many gigs where I would be driving home having forgotten to pick up the check AGAIN because I was so pumped about the actual show itself. So many relationships came and went through 15 years. I can remember one girl asking why I was "going into the club three nights in a row" and I said "I go every night whether I am scheduled to go on stage or not. I just want to be around comedy." "But it's raining Dane!" Another one bites the dust. Comedy was my baby girl and I only had eyes for her.

My mother and father both said things to me that I carved in my mind and never forgot. ANYTHING I would dream of doing if I started to talk about it with my dad he would listen and without fail, smile and go, "Don't tell me Dane. Show me." Aggravating at the time but it taught me to never talk about things you want. Just make them happen. Get people with a common goal together and just try and get it done. I carefully selected a team through the decade and we never waited for people to come to us. We just worked 24/7/365.

My mom said something to me this year that will propel and guide me through the rest of my life no matter what I end up doing or becoming. I was talking to her on the phone and feeling very unsure about a career decision I had to make. Through all the anxiety and stress that was coming of this there was my mother's strength. What she said I wrote down and put above my desk so I can always see it during hard times.

"You embrace that which defines you Dane."

She is the greatest. I dedicate this year to my mother. Through all the bullshit that comes with obtaining the impossible my mom is the most wonderful person I know.

So here are a few moments from my 2005. Cue highlight music.

TOURGASM - Twenty 5,000 to 10,000 seat venues in 30 days. We drove through 30 states and Canada. I saw the entire country for the first time with three of my best friends who are comedians. We filmed the whole thing for a documentary you are going to see real soon. I planned this thing for many years.

NEW DANECOOK.com - The new site debuted and now generates hundreds of thousands of hits per month. That along with myspace where I've accumulated 720,000 friends, 100,000 comments and 5.5 million visits.

RETALIATION - Within 6 days it went GOLD. Within 4 months it's gone PLATINUM. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED still selling like crazy two years later is almost GOLD too! It broke every comedy record out there and went to #4 on the BILLBOARD CHARTS. It is still #1 on the BILLBOARD COMEDY CHARTS for 22 weeks in a row. I've sent hundreds over to our troops in Iraq and am proud to know those men and women are able to have a good laugh while doing the hardest job on earth. RETALIATION is all me and I put every ounce of creativity into it even delaying it months to create cover art that would pass the publics test. The masses are smart and they can tell a cheap "mailed in" product. Not this. You can hold it and listen to it and hear my passion. When I completed it I felt like I landed on Mars. It will forever be the key that opened every door I've stood outside wanting to be inside.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - 7th grade I watched Martin Short on SNL and told my parents I had a goal. I wanted to be on this show. 20 years later I took the stage and had one of the best nights of my life. The monologue was some of my best work ever (and the longest monologue in the history of the show) and the show was the highest rated of the season. Thousands of "new fans" discovered me that night and I welcome them aboard the Dane Train.

MADISION SQUARE GARDEN - 3 sold out shows at the MSG Theater with zero press. No radio and no real articles in the paper. Just the web site and you. I was presented my GOLD award for RETALIATION and brought my parents on stage to share it with them. Goose bumps.

MOVIES - Due to the success of RETALIATION I've been offered tons of movie projects. In 4 months I've read 50 scripts and now have three films slated for this year starting with the comedy EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH. A script that has the heart and soul of some of my favorite films but is just flippin' funny. I've also just sold 2 movie pitches that I am also attached to so I'm going to be doing a ton of movie stuff and stand-up in 06!!!

TV - I appeared on a shit load of late night talk shows this year. Conan finally!! And it was the best. I really like Conan and maybe because we share the Boston connection I just felt honored to rap with him. Of course the moment that accompanied RETALIATION in terms of people talking about me was Jimmy Kimmel after I did my version of Tom Cruise losing his mind to love. One of the top downloaded Internet favorites this year. I also presented and appeared on the VMAs and the VGAs.

(PRIME DIRECTIVE #4 ... CAN NOT REVEAL UNTIL BEGINNING OF 2006) - The biggest news of 2005 I can't reveal until 2006. I've been diddling everyone with this for a few months now but I had to make sure everything was signed, sealed and delivered. I had 3 goals when I started comedy.

First, Letterman. I wanted to make it to that show and perform because that would be my validation as a stand-up. Letterman is the best and doing his show is like passing the bar. I did it four times.

Second, SNL. You know that now.

Third, ------ It's almost like I -------- NOPE few more days people. Trust me it is gonna rock your skull.

As a bonus I thought I would show you my list of things accomplished way back in 1993.

TOOTH ACHE - My teeth are killing and I think I want to just pull them all out. Thinking I might fix them in early 94 when I have a few shekels.

MASTURBATING - I've yanked on myself for fifteen days straight. Gonna maybe go outside for a while.

HEADLINING - I finally closed a show in Boston (well 45 minutes west out of the city)! I did 32 minutes of comedy. I only have 20 real minutes and 10 are kinda funny but that first 2 1/2 minutes really got them going.

THE FUTURE - I'm three years into this ride. I have no money and I have nothing to fall back on. I never know when I am going to get stage time really and if I do it may involve driving eight hours to a place in Maine where thirty people are not anxiously awaiting my arrival. It's 1993 and all I do is wait all day to perform a few minutes at night. I would not trade it in for anyone else's life! Wow, I dream about what '94 is gonna be like? Holy cow I wonder if I could get on Comedy Central's "Stand Up, Stand Up." That would be the best thing ever!

Thank you for all the emails and all the letters and all the comments. I've had too much fun to really call this work so that is why I did all the extra. To really show people that I am not just interested in making a buck. I want to make moments that blow you away and entertain the shit out of you. 2005 was the year that my fans put me on the map. I called that back in 1999 with my first web site. I told my family. If I dedicate myself everyday to reaching out I will find my following. I'm going to stay honest and be upbeat. I'm going to shake hands (via instant messenger) and connect with people of all ages and ethnicity because my comedy knows no color or demographic. My comedy will grow and change because I see it as an art and artists need to always be expanding their thinking and discovering new perspective.

I'm not afraid to admit I love what I do and I don't pretend that stand-up comedy is anything specific or identifiable. It is mine to tweak and toy with. To unravel and beat around. I had many moments where I was simply there to learn what I am not capable of doing and moments where I learned what only I can do that no one else can. I learned about myself and how I could become a true contributing member of todays society. How to deal with peoples jealousy or gratitude. To accept things about others that I could not control and how I could be a person that doesn't make garrulous comments but speaks words that matter. And never forget that the more people love you the more others hate you (but those are their old tapes and not yours)! Comedians are dreamers and I thank all of my friends in comedy that helped me out over the past bunch of years.

The impossible has only just begun.
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/25/ Sun, 25 Dec 2005 04:54:33 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/25/ Dane Cook News RSS
And for the thousands of letters I return the THANK YOU. I enjoy entertaining you and will continue to do so as long as you come around.

Finally, to all our troops. You are in our prayers and I am hoping you find some peace at this time of year. Stay strong and thank you for all that you do. If anyone would like to send one of our brave men and women a little note please check out this site! America Supports You]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/24/ Mon, 12 Dec 2005 00:55:55 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/24/ Dane Cook News RSS
*The last few days I've been watching Pryor stuff and listening to various people that knew him or worked alongside him. I find as the year comes to a close Richard Pryor making an impact on me and solidifying feelings I have about myself, my comedy and the business of stand-up. I've been reading excerpts of Pryor Convictions and let me tell you this man was pure fucking unadulterated truth. What Pryor embraced as a comedian is that he came from his heart. And it's not about how good or bad your truth is but that you believe it, own it and are informed by it. How I grew up was nothing like Richard Pryor's but as I read on what I understand clearly is that I must continue to only perform the things that mean something to me. Notions that speak to me and make me laugh or wonder or question my surroundings. My truth from my life.

There are many comedians doing this right now. I've been watching comics recently that are a part of this kind of energy. Please support live comedy. Get out to a comedy show and whomever it is performing, be a part of their comedy truth. Life can be a ton of heavy, bleak business and the best way to anti that bull crazy is to laugh it out. Hit a live show and who knows you might be watching the next guy or girl to make their mark in this industry.


]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/23/ Wed, 07 Dec 2005 20:42:37 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/23/ Dane Cook News RSS
I will write a full update about my experience doing Saturday Night Live in the coming days. Needless to say it was the best damn thing ever. The crowd was awesome and from the moment I hit the stage I knew I was at home. I'm getting thousands and thousands of emails from NEW fans that had never seen my stand up and I am proud to welcome them aboard the Dane Train. Over @ MySpace hundereds of legendary comments are posted describing what your thoughts were on the performance.

The cast of the show was cool and made it easy to feel like a part of the gang and not just "the host" which I really wanted. Watching them prepare and cultivate sketches and characters was killer. Lorne Michaels and Marci Klein I appreciate all the hard work you do. Giving me the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and experience the nearly impossible task of putting this live show together is embedded in me forever. Finally, my fans, my friends, my peers, my family -- who cared and supported me through all the "building the foundation years" I say THANK YOU. I'm a part of television history! And it was a highlight of my life.

Oh, and one other note -- RETALIATION WENT PLATINUM 4 days before SNL !!!!!!!!! More 411 to come.

THANK YOU to all the military personnel writing me tonight after having seen the uniform(S) I had made for my Tonight Show appearance! Like Bob Hope and many other performers before me I was honored to come out like that and show everyone how much I care / believe in and support our troops. MORE Retaliation CD/DVD's are being sent over there to random locations for you to listen to and enjoy over the holidays. GOD BLESS YOU ALL and I pray for a safe return very soon.

The dream that I had in 7th grade is about to become a reality. I've been asked to host Saturday Night Live! December 3rd! I did this with my stand up comedy. Not a tv career or a film career. I did it because I was a good guy with great intentions. I never got caught up in anything beyond the simple idea of bettering myself at this craft that I love and respect. More than anything I am doing it because my fans are some of the sharpest, coolest comedy fans on this planet and you got behind me and never left.

When I was a young boy I wanted to be a comedian. I had an instant respect for all types of performers in that field. In 7th grade I watched SNL one night and Martin Short was doing Ed Grimley. I was laughing my ass off and suddenly realized this show was my goal in life. To be on Saturday Night Live.

In 1996 I had the chance to audition for the cast of SNL but passed on even auditioning because I knew I was not ready. I did not have the chops or the confidence. I never regreted it but every once in a while my brain itched wondering if I missed out on something.

I went out and earned a fan base on my own through the years by being true to my sense of humor. I always talked about the things that mattered to me and made my friends and I laugh. And I stayed upbeat and honest.

Last year again SNL came calling and for a little while there was talk of me coming onboard. I flew to NYC and did a show for Lorne Michaels (the night Steve Martin was there and we had an amazing chat about comedy ... you can find that on my myspace blog). The problem in my mind was I already was so busy and had a massive following. Did I want to move back to NYC? What about these other commitments? The talks ended but I had more respect for Lorne and the show than ever before.

After you guys put me on top by supporting my CD/DVD RETALIATION my life changed and more than that my career hit new heights. So many things have come to me and I am picking and choosing the things I'd love to create and things I desire to share with you and entertain the crap out of you with.

It's 4:55 am and I'm wide awake thinking about the full circle that just came to a close after 20 years of dreaming. My mom is so proud of me and that makes me feel fucking wonderful because she is my biggest fan and has always supported me without pause.

The things you dream can become the things you have. The things you have should always be shared. I share this with you guys because, well, you've become part of this ride. We can all enjoy this together.

OH and don't forget I still have a HUGE secret to tell you all. Something that is going to rock your skulls. Man I wanna share it but just a little longer I must wait. By the way. It's going to be as major a shoc-- .... no .... soon .... just stay tuned. ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/21/ Fri, 18 Nov 2005 04:15:46 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/21/ Dane Cook News RSS
I still play PC games but the console has caught up for now. Call of Duty 2 I will probably play non stop for the first weekend I get it. War movies and games are my favs. At this point ladies feel free to go look at my myspace because this is gonna bore you to death I'm sure.

360 is unreal. I keep saying outloud "no way" as I mow down strogs by the pound. The only sad part is I logged into my XBOX LIVE and no one was there. Multiplayer alone? Depressing. I look forward to playing anyone that dares challenge the master. I will pwned you.

So come out to a show and let me entertain the shit out of you then go home and let me blow your head off with a HyperBlaster.

NOTE: I am playing Grand Theft Auto on my PSP on the road. The best thing ever. Little shout out to my friends at Sony!]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/20/ Sun, 13 Nov 2005 22:58:53 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/20/ Dane Cook News RSS
Cam Neely Foundation

If you watched me on Jimmy Kimmel the other night you may have seen some insane shit. Plus a video that I took ...

Go to my VIDEO section and have a howl. Why? Read this 1st.

Sometimes when on the road with my buddies we like to scare the crap out of each other. Jay Davis left his door open and I snuck in and freaked him the hell out while he took a shower. Several reasons why this is one of the best scares ever.
1. The weird sounds he is making in the shower right before I destroy him.
2. The scream that comes out of his fragile body sounds like a woman / baby crow.
3. He is soaping up his face making the scare much more wonderful because soap stings the eyes (like Jays) when you open them to look at who is about to murder you to death.
4. My favorite. The shower curtain (which always gets cold on the inside, the wet side) sticks to his face as I yank it opened causing not only a fucking horrified feeling of being scared but a cold wet sheet suffocates your lathered face.
Enjoy and watch 5 times in a row before watching it in slow motion 3 more times.
Oh, and one other strange phenomenon. Notice how Jay's taking a SHOWER and yet his hair remains styled. Bizarre.

Halloween is a fantastic night to rob someone dressed as your favorite biblical character. Just hearing a woman describing to the police that Job just snatched her purse is priceless.

I'm going to be watching Poltergist for the billionth time and eating a mound of "cups."

Stay safe treaters and I will see ya later!]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/18/ Thu, 20 Oct 2005 17:14:30 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/18/ Dane Cook News RSS
RETALIATION has jumped up 50% in sales last week! Holy fuck that is unheard of. After the Tonight Show appearance and WAITING being released many new people are coming to the web site and getting into my comedy. We are going to be upgrading servers due to the massive amounts of hits per month. To all the newbies I say WELCOME and to all the die hard lifers I say IN THE FACE.

New Merch is being produced daily and we are getting ready to put stuff up in a few weeks. That being said I still need IDEAS! Click on the following links to talk about your favorite RETAL and HIS moments / lines.

Nothing better than seeing the different kinds of people at my shows. It's not about color or sex or size or religion. I get notes from all kinds of people with one thing in common they want to laugh their fucking faces off for a little bit. I am proud to provide that and I appreciate the feedback from all ages and all different styles of humans. I'm busy as ever but the best part of my day is checking out my site and reading the comments and emails. Thanks citizens.

AND YES - Charlize Theron's ass tasted like a birthday cake!

RETALIATION : TALK BACK
HARMFUL : TALK BACK


So WAITING debuted in theaters yesterday and it is getting non-stop amazing reviews from fans. I mean HOLY SHIT reviews. Thanks everyone that is supporting this flick. Due to the overwhelming response I feel this movie will have "legs" so let everyone know that they should go catch it.

Please make sure you go out and support the film this weekend. Bring friends and buy two tickets instead of one. This movie is gonna make you laugh a lot.

It's a good time and you will have a lot of fun guys. Reviews are all over the place but this is the kind of movie older critics are not gonna latch onto so just take some friends and have a blasty-blast watch me and the rest of the crew in WAITING. Fuck reviews good or bad. I know you will dig WAITING.

The Official WAITING website

And if you never saw this here is me using the force to kill Jimmy Kimmel.

DANE vs. JIMMY]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/17/ Sun, 11 Sep 2005 04:00:38 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/17/ Dane Cook News RSS
Many people are asking me with everything going on what the hell is next. A bunch of stuff. Movie offers are rolling in. I finished my pilot and we are editing. I'm putting a book together as we type BUT I have something in the works that is going to drop your jaw.

I guesstimate I will be able to announce it in the next week or two. The Dane train is fucking barreling down lifes highway and I'm picking up new passengers 24/7/364 (I take one night a year off).

When I got to Miami it was so humid my bones were sweating. The fact I was going to wear a leather jacket to the VMA's proved to me that my brain had melted somewhat. I was on my way to the red carpet.

Lots of people told me that the VMA's would be an impossible show to perform comedy on. I've got friends that have worked on the show for years telling me to "skip it." No f-in' way was I going to say no with RETALIATION just hitting shelves. This would be a great way to remind everyone I have a comedy album out in the world.

I sat in the audience and I know it seemed like a long show at home but it was longer sitting there waiting. By the time Hammer came out I was starting to wonder if everyone that ever banged two sticks together would have a chance to get up and do a ditty.

I finally got my cue and was headed backstage. I had no massive fireball blasts. I had no jet pack strapped to my ass. No monsoon pouring down on me. Just a mic and 2 minutes of jokes. I was even hoping for a sparkler to wave around after the crowd was blitzed with over the top visual from the get go. Needless to say I knew the show was not about me but I was still excited to get out there for you guys. To point at the TV and say HE'S ON THE VMA's with SNOOP and HE'S HOLDING A MOONMAN!!

The set went by super quick and I did have to edit it a bit but everything else aside I felt like a million dollars out there. Before taxes anyways.

I called out the BEST NEW ARTIST with Snoop and seconds later I was walking offstage. What do I remember most about the VMA's?My fans were everywhere. I could hear you all yelling out and I saw hundereds of SU-FI's flashing. I even hung out with a lot of you in the crowd right after. I will never forget feeling that even though this night was about music and insanity I fit in for a bit and walked away with my balls not in my mouth.

]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/16/ Thu, 25 Aug 2005 00:33:06 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/16/ Dane Cook News RSS
I am finishing my pilot this week. The cast clicked and the crew is full of hard working talented people. I suck but no one has noticed yet. Originally we were filming segments in front of a live audience but due to time constraints we can't do that right now. Sorry to everyone that wanted to come out. I will try to letcha know some locations that we are filming so that you can swing by if you are in the area.

It's true that I have been asked to be a presenter at the MTV Music Awards (that MIGHT be cancelled due to a hurricane). I've also been asked to maybe do a skit or a couple minutes of stand-up! I said "Fuck yes!" What more can be said? Diddy and D to the C hangin' out in Miami.

Billboard Magazine hit news stands last week! I debuted @ #4 on the Billboard Top 200 Charts. I also hit #1 on the Billboard Comedy Chart (check out my press section for all the newest articles and charts). I've received the most amazing emails from fans and phone calls from people that I've respected in this industry for years! I would love to post some of these messages I've gotten on my answering machine on my VOD because they would fill you with glee, but unfort that's a little thing called highly illegal. Here is a quote from Billboard:

Comedian Dane Cook makes chart history this week, as he lands the highest-charting comedy album in 26 years. His bow at No. 4 with "Retaliation" is the best showing for a comedy set since Steve Martin's "A Wild and Crazy Guy" spent six weeks at No. 2 in late 1978.

Last night I spent a few hours with a reporter from the Washington Post and he had some killer questions. One of the best conversations I've ever had talking about comedy. I look forward to you guys seein' it.

TIME magazine has a great photo and mention in this weeks issue. TIME ... not ABOUT-TIME or TIME-ISH ... fucking TIME MAGAZINE. Keep an eye out for me in Rolling Stone in a couple of weeks.

Every interview when asked how all this happened I mention you guys. I say "they knew it was coming for years."

Please read my CHUD INTERVIEW by Nick Nunziata.

Here is a great new interview from my friendly friends at
GorillaMask

FFF (Fun Fuckin' Fact): I mention Quentin Tarantino on the WANT disc. I did this because, as many of my fans from Harmful know, there are a couple of references from past routines buried in the new stuff. I love doing this and its something Tarantino does in his flicks. He talks about characters from other movies. That is bad ass. He is a BAMF. Reservoir Dogs is one of my favorite movies ever. I watch it a lot. Well check this shit out. As I am standing to take the above photo a car pulls up. I see a young boy lean out the window and he's saying he is a huge fan of mine. I lean in to say hey to his father driving. It's Michael Madsen! We spoke for a moment and then I gave his son a RETALIATION CD. What a day.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/13/ Fri, 29 Jul 2005 01:03:19 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/13/ Dane Cook News RSS
I stayed at the signing for a few hours before trucking over to the Laugh Factory for my release party. Got onstage and did about an 35 minutes of prime cuts. The club was plastered with RETALIATION posters, which, when we start selling them, you will flip out over. They were epic looking. I am always tough on myself when it comes to getting things done right so let me say my CD cover is uber-freakin'-sweet. It was just how I dreamed it would look years ago as I sat in my dinky apartment over looking another dinky apartment.

The night was memorable on many levels. So many more things I am anticipating. I'm about to go to sleep and all I can think is. I can't wait to wake up.

iTunes Music Store has RETALIATION for download. Right now it is the #5 most downloaded album!

After months of tweaking and tinkering. Weeks working on artwork and photoshoots. Days of audio adjustments and hours of calls regarding publicity and advertising I bring to you my 2nd CDx2/DVD.

Recorded where it all started for me 15 years ago. Boston. I am proud to announce RETALIATION is everything I dreamed it would be. I conjured up this idea of an over the top, in your fucking face theme. My comeback album. An epic sequel. This is my Empire Strikes Back. But tounge placed firmly in cheek it's all just comedy.


Three discs: WANT, NEED and HAVE. Each with their own unique vibe happening. WANT is my fantastical desire to obtain the insane. NEED seeks out love, friendship and cashews. And HAVE chooses to entertain you visually with a collection of sets from Com Cent but tempts you with a futuristic TOURGASM nugget.

If you check out my TOUR/TV section you will also see 411 about an in store signing I am doing this week @ Tower Records in LA. If as many people show up as I am hearing this might be massive. Come down if you can and be a part of the show.

Over at Boston.com there is a cool audio/video interview I did this week. Click HERE and scroll down to the photo of my face.

Also this week I am going to be popping up all over TV and on the radio. Just check out my TOUR/TV section once a day for the where's and when's.

I will be constantly updating this site over the next few days. More pics. More content. More more more. Feel free to come back and bring a friend. Or an enemy and while he is watching my clips you can shoot him with a laser beam.

SU-FI

RETALIATION CHAT ]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/12/ Tue, 19 Jul 2005 22:16:51 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/12/ Dane Cook News RSS
Retaliation will not be on store shelves for more than 10 seconds. Click here to make sure you get yours... PRE-ORDER RETALIATION! Why PRE-ORDER? Look I am not Aerosmith and it is not like stores get hunderds at once. Make sure you have it the 1st week it comes out by clicking the link above and snagging your copy of the greatest double comedy album plus DVD of all fucking time.

I appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show last week. The VIDEO is now in my audio/video section along with my recent Carson Daly appearance.

A lot of NEW information was learned. RETALIATION is a DOUBLE ALBUM plus a DVD. The release date, July 26th. I still have another treat for my die hard fans but the ONLY way to learn is to join my mailing list. Don't get mad at me later when you didn't have the heads up on something you'd wished you did know.

Want to talk about RETALIATION with other people? Got questions, answers, speculations, rumors or flat out lies? RETALIATION MESSAGE BOARDor IM me on AIM at DaneSuFiCook

So what do we now know?
The RETALIATION cover art is fucking incredible (the company that created it does all the biggest movie posters around the world INCLUDING all the Star Wars posters you see, they created them!) You should see the inside. Its kick butt.

THE SURPRISE is sweet. Something I wanted to give to all my fans. That was completely for you guys. People have supported Harmful for the last 2 years straight (in fact RETALIATION comes out at the 2 year anniversary). I wanted you all to have tons of new shit to laugh at and quote. And for me as a comic to get all that material out it makes me work harder on new stuff like I always do. Staying true to the title I wanted you to feel this was a true comedic RETALIATION. Something that will rock your skull. Join my mailing list right now. I am not kidding when I say this. There is a REASON you need to do this. One huge bit of information I will be emailing to people ONLY on my mailing list.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/11/ Tue, 05 Jul 2005 16:29:00 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/11/ Dane Cook News RSS
Retaliation will not be on store shelves for more than 10 seconds. Click here to make sure you get yours...
PRE-ORDER RETALIATION ! Why PRE-ORDER? Look I am not Aerosmith and it is not like stores get hunderds at once. Make sure you have it the 1st week it comes out by clicking the link above and snagging your copy of the greatest double comedy album plus DVD of all fucking time.

I appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show last week. The VIDEO is now in my audio/video section along with my recent Carson Daly appearance.

A lot of NEW information was learned. RETALIATION is a DOUBLE ALBUM plus a DVD. The release date, July 26th. I still have another treat for my die hard fans but the ONLY way to learn is to join my mailing list. Don't get mad at me later when you didn't have the heads up on something you'd wished you did know.

Want to talk about RETALIATION with other people? Got questions, answers, speculations, rumors or flat out lies? RETALIATION MESSAGE BOARD or IM me on AIM at DaneSuFiCook

So what do we now know?
The RETALIATION cover art is fucking incredible (the company that created it does all the biggest movie posters around the world INCLUDING all the Star Wars posters you see, they created them!) You should see the inside. Its kick butt.

THE SURPRISE is sweet. Something I wanted to give to all my fans. That was completely for you guys. People have supported Harmful for the last 2 years straight (in fact RETALIATION comes out at the 2 year anniversary). I wanted you all to have tons of new shit to laugh at and quote. And for me as a comic to get all that material out it makes me work harder on new stuff like I always do. Staying true to the title I wanted you to feel this was a true comedic RETALIATION. Something that will rock your skull. Join my mailing list right now. I am not kidding when I say this. There is a REASON you need to do this. One huge bit of information I will be emailing to people ONLY on my mailing list.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/10/ Thu, 16 Jun 2005 22:27:53 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/10/ Dane Cook News RSS
Retaliation will not be on store shelves for more than 10 seconds. Click here to make sure you get yours...

PRE-ORDER RETALIATION ! Why PRE-ORDER? Look I am not Aerosmith and it is not like stores get hunderds at once. Make sure you have it the 1st week it comes out by clicking the link above and snagging your copy of the greatest double comedy album plus DVD of all fucking time.

I appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show last week. The VIDEO is now in my audio/video section along with my recent Carson Daly appearance.

A lot of NEW information was learned. RETALIATION is a DOUBLE ALBUM plus a DVD. The release date, July 26th. I still have another treat for my die hard fans but the ONLY way to learn is to join my mailing list. Don't get mad at me later when you didn't have the heads up on something you'd wished you did know.

Want to talk about RETALIATION with other people? Got questions, answers, speculations, rumors or flat out lies?
or IM me on AIM at DaneSuFiCook

So what do we now know?
The RETALIATION cover art is fucking incredible (the company that created it does all the biggest movie posters around the world INCLUDING all the Star Wars posters you see, they created them!) You should see the inside. It's kick butt.

THE SURPRISE is sweet. Something I wanted to give to all my fans. That was completely for you guys. People have supported Harmful for the last 2 years straight (in fact RETALIATION comes out at the 2 year anniversary). I wanted you all to have tons of new shit to laugh at and quote. And for me as a comic to get all that material out it makes me work harder on new stuff like I always do. Staying true to the title I wanted you to feel this was a true comedic RETALIATION. Something that will rock your skull. Join my mailing list right now. I am not kidding when I say this. There is a REASON you need to do this. One huge bit of information I will be emailing to people ONLY on my mailing list.
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/9/ Mon, 06 Jun 2005 01:03:05 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/9/ Dane Cook News RSS
HOT LIST By MAUREEN CALLAHAN

1) Doing the Tom.

Most brilliant TV of the week: comic Dane Cook on Jimmy Kimmel, doing Tom Cruise on "Oprah" - abusing Kimmel's furniture, pummeling the floor, and attempting to drag "Katie Holmes" out of the bathroom, off the toilet and on set. A must-view!!

I appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show last Friday. A lot of NEW information was learned. RETALIATION is a DOUBLE ALBUM plus a DVD. The release date, July 26th. I still have another treat for my die hard fans but the ONLY way to learn is to join my mailing list. Don't get mad at me later when you didn't have the heads up on something you'd wished you did know.

Want to talk about RETALIATION with other people? Got questions, answers, speculations, rumors or flat out lies? or IM me on AIM at DaneSuFiCook

So what do we now know?

The RETALIATION cover art is fucking incredible (the company that created it does all the biggest movie posters around the world INCLUDING all the Star Wars posters you see, they created them!) You should see the inside. Its kick butt.

THE SURPRISE is sweet. Something I wanted to give to all my fans. That was completely for you guys. People have supported Harmful for the last 2 years straight (in fact RETALIATION comes out at the 2 year anniversary). I wanted you all to have tons of new shit to laugh at and quote. And for me as a comic to get all that material out it makes me work harder on new stuff like I always do. Staying true to the title I wanted you to feel this was a true comedic RETALIATION. Something that will rock your skull. Join my mailing list right now. I am not kidding when I say this. There is a REASON you need to do this. One huge bit of information I will be emailing to people ONLY on my mailing list.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/8/ Wed, 01 Jun 2005 22:07:02 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/8/ Dane Cook News RSS When is RETALIATION coming out, right?

Watch Jimmy Kimmel this Friday!

Just join the mailing list and TRUST ME you will be glad you did join it because fans of my site will know before ANYONE ELSE. I'm putting all the final touches on it and it will drop when it rises up and tells me its ready to destroy store shelves and crack up souls worldwide. (In case your wondering... Yes everything about this cd is thematically over-the-top hence the name RETALATION. Come on play with me here).

MY NEW WEBSITE:

It's close to being done. I plan on going live around June. With a much more streamlined look and feel. New VOICE OF DOOM content. PHOTO GALLERY (you asked, I heard), BLOG like daily news section and much, much more I hope the new DaneCook.com keeps you entertained for minutes to come.

MY NEW TELEVISION SHOW:

I am filming my television pilot COOKED (the 2nd incarnation) in July. Sony gave us the go ahead and the script is killer. We are doing it without a network so they can't fuck with us while we make it. It's gonna be based on my stand up and I will not be holding back content wise. I'm working with this guy Jay Kogan who worked on Seinfeld, The Simpsons, and Malcolm In the Middle. He is as twisted and silly as I am, so it should make for a wonderful experience. More on this as I get more 411. But we start casting in a week!!

MY NEW CONCERT FILM:

Planning on filming my new hour special in Boston. The concert film I am doing with Dave Attell is different. I'm doing that because I think Dave is a genius and when he asked me to be a part of it I couldn't say no. Dave and I on a show together is gonna be as astounding as you jerking off and instead of orgasming your typical melted liquid cue ball you cum a high powered laser beam. More 411 on this soon sexy.

MY NEW TOURGASM DVD (or television show):

TOURGASM is finished. With over 400 hours of footage my dream cross country comedy tour was a success. Was it all easy? Christ no. Was it brutal, draining and sometimes primal scream inducing to the point of life taking? Shit yea. Would I do it all again tomorrow? Nope but maybe a week from tomorrow. It was also some of the coolest, funniest stories and shows I've ever been a part of. I will be posting a HUGE update with photos breaking down the entire experience so check back please.

My goal was to make a DVD for my fans but now people around Hollywood are calling and may want to air it also as episodic tv or something like that. Either way its going to be coming atcha soon. I will never forget the month of April 2005 as the month that changed my life and career. Robert, Jay and Gary you kicked butt and should be proud. Now get back to therapy immediately before one of you shoots at schoolkids.

If you don't know what the SUperFinger (or Su-Fi) is then check this link: SU-FI

You can download Harmful straight to your ipod @ Apple iTunes Music Store right now download lover.

120,000 + new friends on MYSPACE. Come on in and join me @ MYSPACE - OFFICIAL DANE COOK PAGE There are a few FAKE ones so don't get suckered in.

Retaliation2005 is my CURRENT Instant Message name on AIM Instant Messenger. I have to change it every so often so come on back.

New name. New day. Add the word SuFi before your name (example: SuFi Dave; SuFi Mike; SuFi Lisa) looks good on ya.
If you have Yahoo! Messenger I am always (usually with my webcam) on under DaneCookcom still.

DANE COOK NEWS ARCHIVE]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/6/ Sun, 10 Apr 2005 01:08:37 -0700 http://www.danecook.com/news/6/ Dane Cook News RSS
]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/1/ Thu, 31 Mar 2005 18:27:34 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/1/ Dane Cook News RSS
I met Mitch back in 1995 when we were both doing the San Fran comedy contest. We were both in the entire running so we got to watch each other perform quite a bit. I saw what he was doing on stage and I admired that he was so articulate and patient with his pacing and his execution. I saw a craftsman that made it look easy. He spoke his honest thoughts, the things that made him laugh, on stage and that is damn hard to do. Over many years he got stronger on stage and built up a following that loved him and his point of view.

When I heard last week that Mitch was being considered for this concert film I am doing with Dave Attell I was thrilled. Mitch and I had spoken in Montreal last year and I told him that he and I should do some theatre shows together and he was in to it.

His tempo and cadence were purely his own and I will not soon forget that stutterstep / pause-continue delivery.

Mitch-you-will-be-missed-and-I-know-your-makin'-um -laugh-in-the-next-life.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/3/ Mon, 28 Feb 2005 00:38:51 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/3/ Dane Cook News RSS
MICHIGAN STATE U. - When I got to Michigan it was fhucking (yes I put the "h" in there cause that is how I was saying it) freezing. My right ball went so deep up inside me that I made a bet it would never drop. My left ball just stared up at me in resentment and disbelief that I would put my sack threw such a thing. At this point my ear was dipping into the 50% hearing loss range. I was concerned but thought it might just be from the plane. I dropped my stuff at the hotel and went to the show. We were doing two here. The first show had sold out 5000 seats in 48 hours so I got cocky and added another one. That sold out as well! Jay Davis introduced me and when I got out there and for two shows just had a cool time. Most of the first show I was improvising because my ear was being wacky-ass. I finished had a slice o' pizza and went out for number two. The crowds in Mich have been really supportive and they came out in full forcefield. Hung out for a while after then JD and I went and got some snack foods before going to get rest. The flight out the next morning was early and I wanted to get some sleep so I could wake up and bitch about not getting enough sleep.

Landed in NY's JFK airport and headed to the city. This was gonna be basecamp for the next few days since the next couple of gigs were around NYC. I loved that I could chill in the city and eat all my fav foods there. I also love to play with myself while overlooking Times Square. People see it on tv and are like "wow that is NYC ... looks cool." Little do they know I am jerking off in a window.

ROWAN U./ RITACCO CENTER: Many years ago my career changed. I was three years into stand up comedy and I was invited to do my first television performance on a Comedy Central show called Stand Up-Stand-Up. It was a show that took clips from different comedians acts and spliced them all-together under one topic. So if you had a dog joke that was the pile you were lumped into. Divorce bits ... there you were. If you had a pitchfork up the ass joke ... ummm ... you were not invited to the dance.

I'd never left Boston before this gig but was asked to travel to a strange new destination called New Jersey. Rascal's in NJ was where the show would tape. I jumped into my 1978 Recall and took my grunge shirt and Joey Lawrence hair to the home of "Jovi", "The Boss" and "many local residents that no one will ever go see in concert because they lack talent."

The show went great and Comedy Central started playing my material. My family was excited to see me on television (sometimes for 32 seconds at a time) and I felt like a local celebrity in Arlington. I got a free slice of pizza at a joint I used to eat at a lot because of the show. I was as high as a kite. I really was.

The other night I was high as a kite AGAIN. And AGAIN it was in this mysterious placed called New Jersey. Still trying to figure this place out. No real clues to speak of just a name and identity that many find confusing and often won't admit they are clueless about. "You know Jersey?" "Hell yea who doesn't" But they really don't.

This 4000 seat venue was placed right in the middle of a college tour that is already sold out. But the Ritacco Center is not a college. It was a show open to the public. All ages. Come on out. I did no radio, no local press. Just put it on my web site. You sold it out. My fans came from fucking all over and packed that room tight as my ex before I met her. It would be a calling card to promoters all over and as soon as it happened we started getting signs from other entities that they would like to book us.

The next night I did Rowan and this gig was super important because 4 month before I had to cancel. When I got the the show I felt so welcomed, like a cousin fresh out of jail. At the meet and greet someone said thanks for not forgetting us. Well I still can't and I am writing it here. You guys were a solid crowd and even though it was a smaller show (900) it was the longest I did the whole week. I did over an hour and a half for ya because I wanted you to know that I was sorry about the cancel before!

I can't say where or when yet but some of the venues are dream come true type of places. I have New Jersey to thank for another career changing night and one of the greatest shows / crowds I've ever had the privilege of doing my thing in front of. Thanks New Jersey. I still don't know a lot about you and I am not gonna pretend I do. But I respect the hell out of you and will always remember the feeling at the end of that show. Always. Meeting everyone for the couple of hours after was awesome. Be well and invite me back soon. Biggest SU-FI to NJ and all my new friends. Oh by the way my ear was screwy the whole time. The next day I saw a doctor in NYC and he gave me a steroid shot in my ass. Didn't help. I still got the ear thingy again. Sucked.

MARIST COLLEGE: This show was the loudest in US history. I came out to 2000 plus fans and I swear people in Canada heard you. Shit you were loud laughers. Sometimes a crowd will applaud a ton but you guys just fucking laughed silly. Remember me laughing up there? That was because your laughs were making me laugh. I could NOT stay for a meet and greet because a huge snowstorm was minutes away. It hit us on the ride home. A 1 hour ride took 3 1/2. I counted 24 accidents. Scary ride home but at the same time exciting because it looked like Hoth outside.

DEPAUL U.: Next day I flew to Chicago for DePaul. This gig was in an old theatre that honestly was not in good shape. I think fire would be afraid to hang out in this place. The sound system was junk too. Halfway through I wanted to throw the mic away because it was useless. You all made me feel great though and so I did my thing and even though I got tons of emails saying the sound was shit you all appreciated the show. I tried my best to get it all out there and I know you tried your best to hear it. Thanks for the awesome meet and greet too. I hope to come back there again (different venue?)

U. of CENTRAL FLORIDA: From cold to hot in 3 hours. When I got to Orlando my right nut came back. My ear was still doing its up and down thing too. Drove me inDane (lol ... ugh). The final show was fucking thrilling. 5000 plus sold out crowd. Halfway through my mic went out and I thought that would be the end of the show! The sound guy had a spare and within moments we were back on the boards. When I walked out and heard that roar I knew I was home. Thanks so much for kicking ass out there citizens. I also want to thank you for letting me do what I did for the encore. I came back out and dedicated a bit to my new friend Shelby. She is a tough little girl going through some hard stuff. I wanted to video tape her favorite routine that I do and send it to her. It came out just fine and Shelby really dug it. Made me proud to do what I do!!!

I flew home to LA and the next day found out I had a MAJOR throat infection that was messing with my hearing. I took antibiotics and am feeling much better.

This was to reach out to the (if I did the math right) 23,000 people that attended my shows in those 7 days. I appreciate your constant support and I am happy that there are new comedy fans that never came to a show and decided mine would be the first (keep supporting all live comedy, please). SU-FI to you all.

Oh and if you go over to MYSPACE.com check out my Steve Martin story (updated). You might enjoy it. If not there is always masturbation. I find that's a crowd pleaser.]]> http://www.danecook.com/news/14/ Fri, 11 Feb 2005 10:52:41 -0800 http://www.danecook.com/news/14/ Dane Cook News RSS talked to me for a while afterwards.

UPDATED 2/10/2005: I get so many emails regarding this photo. So I thought I would tell people a little bit more about how I had a chance to meet and talk with Steve Martin. A night that changed the way I look at my comedy and myself as a performer. Here it is.

Back in August of 2004 I was in talks with Saturday Night Live about joining their cast. It was a real back and forth thing because I was already in a contract with Sony to do my own pilot COOKED (which we are recasting and reshooting in March). Lorne Michaels was already a fan of mine and had seen me months earlier at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles but wanted me to fly to New York City to do my show for some other folks working with him. I agreed and hit NYC 24 hours later.

The Comic Strip was my club of choice to do a half hour at (I like the vibe in the room and they have my favorite soda pop from the tap (really syrup-y with next to no carbonation (flatter than a boobless nun) so that was the joint I chose (and yes that was a crapload of
misused parenthesis).

I got to the Strip and it was packed tight. I put it on my website so my fans were out in full show of support force. Lorne was not there yet so I snuck backstage and waited to go on in a dark closet-greenroom the size of the inside of an 8 years olds mouth. Without knowing if Lorne was there yet I was called onstage. I'm a pretty humble guy but I must say I had the best half hour set I'd had in forever. And I knew it up there. I was edgy, silly, subtle, stupid and sharp as a robots dick up there. I said goodnight and took off back to my tiny backstage veal box.

My buddy Frosty poked his head in the room and said what I will never forget,

"Dude do you know who was watching you and laughing?"

"No, well, Lorne right?"

"Steve Martin Dane. Steve Fucking Martin was out there."

I froze. I could not wrap my brain around this. And Matt's face looked like he just saw a ... well, a Steve Martin.

I entered the lobby of the Strip and was surrounded by fans and friends. I took pictures and chatted but I was like a probe droid seeking out Mr. Martin. Lorne and Tina Fey came out and that made me feel proud that they got to see me rock like Deep Purple but all I wanted to do was meet "the man."

At this point I would love to tell you about all the things that Steve Martin did in his comedy career. How he was Andrew "Dice" Clay before Dice was even an open mic comic (which everyone is at first and I fucking love that. No matter how big or important you get in comedy you're always that guy that started with 5 minutes and a rapid heart beat... I love what I do. I admire comics). Steve Martin took comedy to a level beyond clubs and one liners. Do yourself a favor and listen to old Steve Martin stuff there are
some awesome things in there.

There he was. Standing, waiting, for my fans to take their photos and shake hands and say goodnight. He gets it. He knows the politics of stand up. He was patiently waiting to meet me. God, I felt blessed at that moment. He finally approached.

One thing I have to say is I admire Steve Martin because of his commitment back in the day. See he is a serious guy offstage and a deep thinker (read some of his New Yorker articles or many books, I suggest the letter he wrote to his father entitled "The Death of my Father"). He was never afraid to go bananas but he could also hit you with the real shit. We both share that. I love to let go onstage and not feel tied in to one kind of comedy. If you've seen me a bunch of times you know I like to challenge myself in many ways. Go from being raw and deviant to light and observational. Vulgar and blunt to eloquent and gentle. It doesn't always work but I fucking commit to it like no one you know. It's all I have so why not die by the sword right?


We shook hands and I said something like "I am absolutely honored to meet you." He smiled and responded with something to affect of "you really look like you love it up there." I nodded and said "very much so." At this point I started to feel very emotional. I looked around to where my friends were sitting, feeling nervous. Then I said hello to Lorne but Mr. Martin was still standing there staring at me. I swear to whoever is reading this a feeling came over me. A strong sensation. I knew that he had not done stand up in forever. I knew he talked on Oprah and other places about that part of his life being done and that it was either too much work or not rewarding enough. I don't know the exact truth but I know what I felt (I think ... I hope). I felt like he missed doing it. I felt like he was looking at me remembering his unbelievable ride. God I hope he wasn't just thinking "What time is my flight out tomorrow?"

I felt my hand go into my pocket out of and grab my camera. So I took it out and said "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" is genius. He nodded, again smiling. I asked would he mind taking a photo and he positioned himself right next to me. The photo snapped
and what happened next was the most inspirational moment of my career in comedy. He leaned in very close to me, placed his hand on my shoulder and whispered something. I can't tell you what Steve Martin said to me. I am sorry. It's just for me right now. I will tell you someday but right now is not the time. I will say that whenever I am feeling a bit fucked up and insecure about my comedy, my road, my path. Whenever other comics get into my head (which we all do, sometimes never even knowing how or why, and even, yes,
sometimes knowing how and why) I think of Steve Martin and his message to me.

I give every bit of truth I have on stage. My comedy truth you could say. It's beyond anything I've ever dreamed this great life. It's made my family proud, my friends proud, my fans proud. I'm proud. I already feel so accomplished in these 15 years but no one has seen 1/4th of what I am about to do.

Someday I will finish the Steve Martin story. But while you're waiting.
Please enjoy some of my new jokes. ]]>