Do your parents sometimes get on your nerves?

Do you feel like you learn more from your parents what not to do if you want to be a good parent, rather than what you should actually be doing?

I’m guessing that you answered “yes” to at least one of those questions.

Parenting is clearly an awesome responsibility that involves an incredible amount of work.

It definitely isn’t easy to be a great parent!

Since writing my book, The Happy Student: 5 Steps to Academic Fulfillment and Success, I’ve had the privilege of speaking to and working with thousands of students and parents.

Through these interactions, I’ve come to realize that despite their good intentions, parents often do things that confuse, annoy, anger or frustrate their children.

I’m not a parent myself, but I’ve noticed the many mistakes that parents make in trying to raise happy and successful children.

I’ve also observed what winning parents do differently.

Based on these observations, I’ve come up with a list of 10 questions that all successful parents ask themselves.

(Just to be clear, I’m writing this post from a child and a student’s perspective. Also, to avoid repeatedly writing “he or she,” I’ll assume that the child I refer to is a girl.)

1. Do I want what’s good for my child or what’s best?

(This point is inspired by this excellent article.)

It’s natural for parents to advise their children to pursue the safe, predictable and practical route.

Parents do this because they don’t want their children to experience uncertainty or discomfort.

This is the good path.

But is it the best path?

In most cases, no. The best path is usually the one that’s full of challenges, obstacles and disappointments.

It might even be full of the “f” word: failure.

Winning parents distinguish between “good” and “best,” and continually encourage their children to choose “best.”

2. Do I measure my success as a parent by the quality of the relationship, or by how effectively I can control my child?

Winning parents understand that it’s more important to build a relationship with their child than it is to find innovative ways to control her behavior.

Just because your child obeys your instructions doesn’t mean that you’re a world-class parent. It just means that your child is obedient.

If this obedience comes at the cost of your parent-child relationship, the tradeoff might not be worth it.

3. Do I speak to my child as if she’s destined for success?

Let’s say that your child does something bad.

She steals a pen from the school bookshop.

How would most parents react?

Most parents would say to her, “How could you do something like that?!? You’re such a bad girl. You’re so dishonest! I’m ashamed that I’m your parent. I’m going to punish you!”

Successful parents, on the other hand, say something more along the lines of this:

“I’m surprised that you would do something like this. You’re usually such an honest and well-behaved girl. I would never have expected you to do this. I’m still going to punish you so that you’ll learn from this mistake, but this is really so unlike you.”

Children have a strange way of becoming what others’ view of them is—especially their parents’.

If you speak to your children as if they’re destined for success, it’s more than likely that they’ll live up to the good name you’ve already given them.

4. Do I say the following things to my child?

• I’m proud of you.
• I believe in you.
• You can do it!
• I’m there for you.
• I love you.
• I’m sorry. I was wrong.
• Will you forgive me?
• Thank you.
• What do you think?

Winning parents do.

5. Am I trying to make my child successful just so that I will feel successful?

It’s difficult to measure the success of a parent, which explains why many parents subconsciously decide that they’ll measure their own success by how successful their children become.

This can be very unhealthy, because parents can force their own—sometimes narrow and restrictive—definition of success on their children.

Winning parents deliberately define success for themselves, and allow their children to do the same.

6. Do I recognize that I’m responsible to my child and not for her?

Parents often think that they’re responsible for their children.

Responsible for their academic performance, for their behavior, for their social etiquette.

But no—parents are only responsible to their children.

Parents are responsible to their children by giving them love and support and a good home environment.

Children are entirely responsible for their own lives.

If your child misbehaves in school, she’s the one who will be punished, not you.

Successful parents recognize that they aren’t responsible for their children, so these parents don’t carry a burden that they were never meant to carry anyway.

7. Do I model the behavior that I want my child to exhibit?

An example:

Most parents want their children to be curious and to love learning.

If you’re a parent, when was the last time you talked to your child about something you learned recently that you thought was super cool?

8. Do I focus more on what my child does or on who she is becoming?

This anonymous quote sums it up:

“Many succeed momentarily by what they know;

some succeed temporarily by what they do;

few succeed permanently by what they are.”

Winning parents empower their children to pursue permanent success.

9. Do I end every lecture with LOVE?

When parents reprimand their children, the message of love doesn’t always get communicated.

Successful parents, on the other hand, conclude every lecture with a reminder to their child just how much they love her.

They end with LOVE, not anger or disappointment or frustration.

10. Do I ask my child to make a commitment, or do I force her into doing things?

Winning parents understand that every great student, musician, athlete, entrepreneur, technician, salesperson, etc. came to a point where they made a commitment to greatness.

Commitment involves making a choice. You can’t force someone to be great.

That’s why successful parents don’t coerce their children into taking action. Instead, they allow their children to make choices and to take responsibility for those choices.

In closing…

Parenting is an unbelievably noble calling.

To all you parents (and future parents) reading this, I know you’re up to the challenge.

A few years ago, I had the privilege of attending a talk by this incredible woman, Marian Wright Edelman.

Children's rights activist, Marian Wright Edelman

Edelman is the founder and president of the Children’s Defense Fund, and she’s been awarded more than 65 (yes, 65!) honorary degrees. She was also the first black woman to be admitted to the Mississippi bar.

To say that she’s an impressive woman is an understatement!

The way that Edelman concluded her speech was exceptionally memorable.

“I cannot preach like Martin Luther King, Jr. or turn a poetic phrase like Maya Angelou…”

She proceeded to list a large number of distinguished people, and the characteristics they possessed that she did not.

What you can achieve when you care enough

Edelman went on to say:

“But I care and am willing to serve and raise my voice with others for children… I care and am willing to serve and sacrifice to build our children a better future.

“I care. I really, really care. You can change the world if you care enough.”

You can change the world if you care enough.

If that statement is true (I like to think that it is), it’s no surprise that a lot of advice you hear from career development gurus revolves around pursuing a line of work you care deeply about.

It’s entirely true that in today’s Information Age, it’s no longer enough just to be compliant, competent or even charismatic. You need to care.

In pursuit of excellence

Caring is the only way to become a person of excellence.

No great parent, teacher, athlete, mechanic, nurse, businessman or musician has attained greatness by chance. They cared enough to consciously pursue excellence.

After all, excellence can’t be forced down someone’s throat; it’s a deliberate decision.

“Care” is a simple word, but it’s a word that’s much easier said than felt, and much easier felt than demonstrated.

I’ve observed that a majority of people don’t genuinely care about what they do, whether it’s in their work, their academics, or in other areas of their life.

Most people do things because they have to, or because it’s expected of them, or because it’s what they’ve been doing out of habit for years.

The danger of not caring

I know from personal experience that it’s all too easy to go down this path of stability and comfort, but it comes at a high price.

When we choose not to care, we effectively choose mediocrity over excellence.

I recently asked myself: When it comes to the most important things in my life, how much do I care?

I came up with these five levels of “caring” so that I could perform an honest self-assessment. I trust that you’ll find this framework helpful, too.

Level 1: Invisible caring

At this lowest level of caring, you have a weak feeling about something, but you worry that other people might consider that “something” insignificant.

You feel embarrassed or shy about admitting that you care, and you don’t take any concrete steps to show it.

To everyone but you, your caring is invisible.

Level 2: Instinctive caring

Level 2 is where you care because you feel compelled to. Instinctive caring is usually motivated by fear.

Many people get stuck at this level. For example, an employee who cares about the quality of the report he’s writing only because he doesn’t want his boss to get upset is at Level 2.

A student who cares enough to complete her homework with the bare minimum effort—simply to avoid her teacher’s wrath—is also at Level 2.

Level 3: Incidental caring

Incidental caring usually just “happens,” but you can’t fully explain its origin. It’s like when you read your first poem and got hooked on poetry, or when you attended a football game and fell in love with the sport.

At Level 3, you care about something as far as you’re able to derive pleasure and satisfaction from it.

Level 4: Inconvenient caring

Level 4 is very different from Levels 1, 2 and 3. The first three levels are based on emotion, while Level 4 is based on a sense of purpose.

At Level 4, you care about something so much that you’re willing to inconvenience yourself, if that’s what it takes to demonstrate that you care. You might even be willing to make yourself uncomfortable.

I know people who care so much about poverty alleviation work that they gave up their extremely comfortable lives to move to places with few comforts to speak of.

I also know plenty of entrepreneurs who care so much about their businesses and about adding value to their customers that they sacrifice sleep and their social lives.

Inconvenient caring happens when you understand that one person really can make a difference.

Level 5: Infectious caring

Infectious caring is about caring to the extent that your overwhelming passion and love spread to the people around you. Infectious caring compels others to join you in fighting for your cause.

As I noted earlier, one person really can make a difference, but one person alone can’t change the world. You’ll need a group, a team, a community, a tribe in order to do that.

Level 5 is where your influence gets multiplied exponentially because of the following you build, but it’s not an easy level to reach. You’ll undoubtedly have to go through struggle, pain and disappointment in order to get there.

Level 5 is what happens when you care so much that it’s no longer just about what you think or feel; it’s about who you are.

In closing…

I’m not so naïve to think that we have the time to care infectiously—or even inconveniently, for that matter—about numerous things. But I think we owe it to ourselves to find the few things where we can reach Level 5.

If you haven’t yet found that something, I encourage you to keep looking and exploring. I’m sure you’ll find it if you search hard enough and introspectively enough.

Life truly is too short for us not to care.

So let’s care infectiously. Let’s go change the world.

Last week, I wrote an article for TODAY Newspaper entitled “Success in spite of school, not because of it.”

I received many comments, both online and in person, about my view that if the education system continues the way it is, we are headed down the path of mediocrity. Now is the time to begin paving the way toward excellence and greatness.

The most insightful remark I received came from a good friend of mine who’s a teacher.

She responded to my observation that “schools generally teach students to fear failure, to be obsessively competitive and to be a passive learner.”

She wrote:

… the fear of failure begins in the teacher. That’s the root of the issue in our education system. One of the indicators to measure a teacher’s performance is the student’s results.

More often than not, the teacher is blinded to the student’s fear of failure because it is more daunting to come to terms with the fact that the fear stems from us [teachers].

When we deny our own condition, we fail to see what is happening in the student because it reminds us of who … we really are.

It’s entirely true that what gets measured gets done. But when it comes to measuring our teachers’ performance, are we measuring the right things?

A good friend recently introduced me to Coursera, a site that offers free courses from world-class universities like Stanford and Princeton. He sang high praises of the quality of the courses and of the wonderful community of learners he found at Coursera.

With more and more information available online (plenty of which is provided by experts!), there’s really no excuse for us not to be continually learning.

If we’re genuinely curious and if we’re willing to commit to our own success, we won’t have to look too far in order to find the resources we need.

In today’s Information Age, success is more about will than it is about skill.

Do you agree?

I spoke to an entrepreneur friend of mine recently.

(I asked for her permission before writing this post and she asked to remain anonymous, so I won’t go into too much detail about her business.)

She’s trying to get her product launched soon, but she’s been faced with countless unexpected delays and challenges.

I talked to her when she was feeling exceptionally disappointed and discouraged.

She confessed: “You know, I thought about giving up. I thought that maybe I should just quit. But I realized that I can’t.”

She went on to explain how her product meets a real need and how there’s nothing like it on the market.

Then she surprised me by declaring: “I decided that there’s no way I could fail. I really have no choice but to press on.”

I decided that there’s no way I could fail. I really have no choice but to press on.

Deciding that it’s impossible for you to fail is by far the most crucial decision you could make if you want to find success.

I have complete confidence that my friend is soon going to launch a worldwide bestselling product. When that happens, I’ll say that I called it second.

She called it first by deciding that she simply couldn’t fail.

Who could disagree with this saying?

Those crazy nights that often involve alcohol, friends, loud music and irresponsible behavior—those are the ones that remain permanently etched in your mind.

You’re probably not going to say something like, “For the past month, I’ve slept at least eight hours every single night. It’s been AMAZING!”

Everyone enjoys talking about the wonderful things that have happened in the past and reminiscing about the good old days.

It’s also undeniable that shared memories bond people together. That’s why leaders intentionally create shared experiences in an attempt to foster unity and camaraderie.

Why good memories can be bad

But, at the same time, I think that memories are overrated.

The increased accessibility to innovations like photography has made it possible to conveniently record our memories—maybe too conveniently. It’s not uncommon to see people at any sort of event who are so intent on snapping the perfect picture that they forget to take it all in, to fully experience the sights, sounds and emotions. (I’ll admit that sometimes I’m guilty of this too!)

They’re so caught up trying to capture the moment that they fail to enjoy the moment.

The over-glorification of memories often causes the present moment to be eroded of its rightful significance. After all, the only moment we ever really have is the present one. It’s in the present moment that we experience life and create lasting success.

Moreover, if we focus too much on memories, it’s possible that we can become inward-looking and self-centered.

Making selfish memories?

I have a story that illustrates this.

More than 15 years ago, my Aunt Violet passed away after an agonizing battle with cancer. In the last few months of her life, the cancer reduced her to a walking skeleton and robbed her of some of her mental capacity, too.

It was heartbreaking to watch Aunt Violet degenerate physically.

But it was especially shocking when Aunt Violet’s good friend (I’ll call her Jane) declared that she wasn’t going to visit any more.

The reason? Jane wanted to preserve her memory of Aunt Violet as a strong, healthy and happy person. If Jane had frequently visited Aunt Violet in the hospital, Jane would have remembered her as a frail, emaciated and exhausted person instead.

Is it understandable that Jane made that decision? Sure.

But was it also an inward-looking one that prevented Aunt Violet from saying a proper farewell to her good friend Jane? Without a doubt.

Because our memories only exist inside of our own head—and no one else’s—the desire to make pleasant memories can be an insular one that, at times, has selfish motivations.

Create meaning, not memories

All this talk about the value of memories begs a deeper question: What’s the point of life, anyway?

I don’t claim to know the exact meaning of life, but I do know that life isn’t mainly about accumulating fond memories. If that were the primary purpose of life, that would be far too trivial a reason for our existence.

Life is much more about making a difference in the lives of others, about contributing, about loving people, about being immersed in a story that’s far greater than yourself.

The point of life isn’t to create more and more fantastic, unforgettable and epic memories. Rather, I believe that life is largely about creating meaning.

Amazing memories ought to be the by-product of purposeful living. Memories are little treasures that you pick up along the way, but they aren’t what the journey is about.

In closing, a memorable life isn’t necessarily a meaningful one, but a meaningful life is certainly a memorable one.

So let’s choose meaning over memories. Ironically, that’s the way to create the most beautiful memories of all.

A big thank you to Peter G. James Sinclair for the opportunity to write this guest post for Motivational Memo, entitled 10 Mistakes Made In The Pursuit Of Happiness.

I hope you enjoy the post!

I recently read about a fascinating study in Brian Tracy’s book, Full Engagement!.

An experiment with confusing results

In 1928, a group of researchers conducted an experiment at Hawthorne Works, a manufacturing facility just outside of Chicago.

The researchers wanted to investigate how they could increase the productivity of women whose job was to assemble electric motors.

At the beginning of the experiment, the researchers told the women that they had been specially selected for the experiment because of their excellent work performance.

In the experiment, the researchers changed different factors in the work environment and observed how productivity levels were affected.

Here’s a summary of what happened:

• Light levels were increased; productivity increased.
• Light levels were decreased; productivity increased.
• The temperature was increased; productivity increased.
• The temperature was decreased; productivity increased.
• Noise levels were increased; productivity increased.
• Noise levels were decreased; productivity increased.

You read that correctly. Productivity increased in each different scenario!

The power of feeling special

Completely bewildered, the researchers interviewed the women to try and make sense of the unexpected results.

The women explained: They felt special because they’d been told that they were specifically chosen to be part of the experiment since they were such outstanding workers.

They felt appreciated and valued by the factory’s management. As a result, whenever some factor in their work environment was altered, they were reminded that they were special. Hence, they were motivated to work harder.

Simple things we often forget to say

The takeaway is simple: Appreciate people and they’ll be happier and more productive.

It really doesn’t take much effort to say (or write) these things, whether it’s to your teacher, friend, boss, colleague or someone who reports to you:

• Thank you (not “tks” or “thks”; those communicate politeness without warmth)
• Please (not “pls” or “pse”; same thing as above)
• Good job
• Well done
• I appreciate your work
• I appreciate you
• Your contributions are valuable
• Thanks for your effort
• Thanks for your time

Let’s make this world a happier, and more productive place, to live in—one encouraging phrase and one “special feeling” at a time.

Me, Ron Kaufman, Bharati Jagdish, Kurt Wee and Thomas Fernandez

I was recently a panelist on the talkshow Singapore Talking. The topic of discussion was whether youths today lack drive and ambition. (I hope you enjoy the discussion if you decide to watch the video online. )

The other panelists are very accomplished people: business consultant Ron Kaufman, investment fund manager Kurt Wee and PestBusters founder and CEO Thomas Fernandez.

It was truly an honor to be on the panel with them.

A big thank you to Bharati Jagdish and the entire Singapore Talking team!

Addiction and obsession—those sound like terrible things, don’t they?

Addicted to TV. Addicted to computer games. Addicted to junk food.

Obsessed about money. Obsessed about your appearance. Obsessed about being popular.

But I’ve come to realize that it’s our addictions and obsessions that most determine our legacy. People only remember us for what we were addicted to and obsessed about.

Are you addicted to giving, serving and persevering? Are you obsessed about learning, contributing and growing?

Neither am I—at least, not yet.

Let’s get to work on our addictions and obsessions.