I recently sent the following email to Paul Loft, Managing Director of Homebase:

Dear Paul Loft,

Many congratulations on all the hard work you do for Homebase, the leading home enhancement retailer selling over 38,000 products for the home and garden (I didn’t count them myself! I took this information on trust from your website).

One could say that I have one home and two gardens – however, this is not as strange as it sounds; I simply have both a front garden and a back garden.

I tend to refer to the front garden as “the front garden” and the back garden as, simply, “the garden”. This is helpful, for example, when my son says “I am going to play soccer in the garden”, as I know he is going to play soccer in the back garden and not in the front garden. In fact, the front garden is not suitable for playing soccer, as it is too small and on quite a steep slope. It is mainly used for access to and from the front door.

I am neither a skilled nor a particularly enthusiastic gardener, but I do try to keep the garden (and the front garden) in reasonably good order. For example, we have grass in our garden, which I “mow” when it becomes too long.

On the whole, however, I believe a good garden is one that takes care of itself (within reason). So I am sure that you can imagine my distress when, faced with an unusually dry summer, some of the plants and flowers in my garden looked like they would need watering by hand. As I said earlier, I am not a skilled gardener, but I was able to tell by their wilting appearance and brown colouration that they were not receiving adequate hydration from the elements alone.

For several days I watched the weather forecasts very closely (Carol Kirkwood in the morning followed by either Alex Deakin or Peter Gibbs later on), but no news of precipitation in the central Hampshire region was forthcoming.

Eventually I decided it was time to grasp the bull by the horns or, in this case, grasp the hose by the Hozelock adjustable nozzle attachment! (Just a bit of fun.)

However, while this did deliver the necessary water to the ailing flora, it was far from a perfect solution. In general, as you know, water comes out of a hose at the same velocity and volume as it comes out of a tap. This is because, in many ways, the hose is simply a flexible tubular extension of the tap. Unfortunately, this velocity and volume was altogether too much for some of my more delicate plants, resulting in further wilting and loss of leaves and/or petals.

I was therefore forced to turn my Hozelock adjustable nozzle attachment in an anti-clockwise direction, in order to disperse the water over a wider angle, thereby achieving a gentler watering effect. This certainly helped but, due to the aforementioned wide angle of dispersion, there was a high degree of water wastage, particularly when watering the smaller pots.

It was the need for a more moderate and efficient watering solution that eventually led me to purchase a “Long Reach Watering Can” from your Winchester store for £5.49.

Mr Loft, I am absolutely delighted with this watering can!

It is made of green plastic, has a capacity of seven litres, and delivers water exactly where, when and how I need it. In the words of “Greenfingers”, a reviewer on your website, it is a “very good product. Well made and does the job it was designed for.” (Incidentally, I thought Greenfingers’ rating of this product – four out of five stars – was grossly unfair.)

Now, of course, the seasons are turning and we are saying “Goodbye!” to the long warm days of summer and “Hello!” to the blustery damp days of autumn. But while the rain may have returned, I can rest safe in the knowledge that I am well equipped to handle any unusually dry spells that may occur in the future.

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

If any readers are interested in purchasing the Homebase Long Reach Watering Can, you can do so here or you can purchase it from your local Homebase store, provided they have it in stock.

I recently wrote to Jon Millership, producer of the ITV1 daytime television show “The Jeremy Kyle Show”. This is what I wrote to him:

Dear Jon Millership,

I am a big fan of the show “The Jeremy Kyle Show”, in which guests attempt to resolve personal problems with the aid of the show’s host, Jeremy Kyle. I particularly like the show’s emphasis on traditional family values (as you may know, traditional family values are currently being eroded).

Considering how many people he has helped on “The Jeremy Kyle Show”, I am surprised that Jeremy Kyle hasn’t been knighted by the Queen! (If he has been knighted by the Queen, please pass on my congratulations. He thoroughly deserves it considering how many people he has helped.)

However, I have spotted a slight problem which I thought I should alert you to. The problem is as follows: in many cases, the guests on “The Jeremy Kyle Show” appear to be more upset and distressed by the end of the show than they were at the beginning.

For example, in a recent show entitled “I didn’t sleep with your disabled mum and I’ll prove she can walk”, all the parties involved were reasonably calm and composed to begin with. By the end, however, they had all become so vexed and irate that the gentleman levelling the accusation at the lady in the wheelchair had to be restrained by two burly security guards, one of whom had tattoos.

On more than one occasion this has fairly ruined my enjoyment of what should be a wholesome and uplifting family entertainment programme, and I have almost been tempted to turn over to “Homes Under The Hammer”, the BBC renovation and auction series.

Perhaps you could introduce some calming measures and relaxation techniques into the show’s format? For example, at regular intervals during the show the guests could enjoy a cup of chamomile tea while chanting a benevolent mantra.

I also think it would help if Jeremy Kyle refrained from spitting at the guests.

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

If you have never seen it, I thoroughly recommend “The Jeremy Kyle Show”. It is on ITV1 at 9.25 on weekday mornings. If you are unable to watch it at this time due to other commitments, you have two options. You can either record it and watch it later, or use ITV’s “catch-up” service, ITV Player.

I recently sent the following email to the Hollywood “movie” producer Jerry Bruckheimer:

Dear Jerry Bruckheimer,

I am a big fan of your films (movies).

My favourite film (of your films) is “Top Gun” starring Tom Cruise, which tells the story of a young aviator’s adventures at the Fighter Weapons School in San Diego.

I have an excellent idea for a film, which I hope you will be interested in producing.

The film is called “The End Of The World Is Nighy”. It tells the story of the English actor Bill Nighy, star of “The Phantom of the Opera: The Motion Picture” and “Ready When You Are, Mr McGill”.  It begins with his time as a messenger boy for the Croydon Advertiser, the third highest-selling paid-for weekly paper in London, and follows his subsequent rise to fame.

One day, Bill Nighy attends an audition for a new English film (a period drama set in Herefordshire) but loses out on the part to the English actor Hugh Grant, star of “Did You Hear About The Morgans?”.

Realising his good looks and talent have faded, Bill Nighy returns home feeling dejected and angry. His wife, played by the English actress Wendy Craig from the bittersweet situation comedy “Butterflies”, tells him not to worry and that it’s not the end of the world. Unfortunately, Wendy is soon proved wrong when Bill Nighy, in a fit of anger, builds a stockpile of nuclear weapons with which he takes his revenge and destroys Planet Earth.

The actual actor Bill Nighy may or may not be available to play the part of himself in the film, depending on his other commitments. If he is unavailable perhaps you could use Roger Walker, the actor who played the part of Bunny Charlson in the ill-fated Costa del Sol-based soap opera “Eldorado”.

I know that you sometimes spend several thousand pounds (dollars) promoting a new film, but in this case you will not need to. Instead, simply approach an old man who is carrying a “The End Of The World Is Nigh” sign and add a “y” to the end while he is not looking. You may also want to add a release date and one or two quotes from positive reviews.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

I have received no reply from Jerry Bruckheimer, so have now sent my idea to Steven Paul, producer of “Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2”. I will let you know if I have any success.

I recently sent the following email to the 1990s pop singer Bryan Adams:

Dear Bryan Adams,

I am writing to you because I am a huge fan of your work! Generally, I do not like pop music – it is too loud (unless I turn the volume down!) and I rarely understand the words, but your music is different. Of all of your songs, my favourite is “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You”, which features on the “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” soundtrack album.

It was a shame that “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” lost out on the 1991 Academy Award for Best Original Song to the song “Beauty and the Beast” from the film “Beauty and the Beast”.

Of course, the film “Beauty and the Beast” had a total of three songs nominated for the award that year (the other two being “Be Our Guest” and “Belle”), so the odds were rather stacked in their favour.

Are you planning any concerts in the South of England in the near future, for example in Southampton or Bournemouth (both of which have airports)?

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

I have received no reply from Bryan Adams. I can only assume that, when it comes to replying to emails, “(Everything He Does) He Doesn’t Do It For Me”! (Just a bit of fun.)

I recently sent the following email to the Portsmouth-based comedy magician Roy Charles:

Dear Roy Charles,

I note with interest that you are a “comedy magician” – a comedian who also performs magic. Congratulations – this is quite an impressive balancing act (not literally – unless you also do tightrope walking as part of your act!) (just a bit of fun).

I am writing to you today in your capacity as a comedian rather than your capacity as a magician, as I would be grateful if you could offer me some “comedy advice” (that is, some advice regarding comedy, rather than some amusing advice!) (again, just a bit of fun).

However, before I ask for your advice, I would first like to express my amazement at the magic you perform. I haven’t seen your act specifically, but I have seen other magicians on television (for example Paul Daniels – “I like him, quite a lot!”). Do you do the trick where you guess which card somebody has picked?

Now here is where I ask for your advice.

I have come up with a joke which I think is very funny. The joke is as follows:

When cooking an Indian meal the other evening, I was asked whether there would be any rice with the curry, to which I replied, “No, there is naan.”

This is very funny because the word “naan” sounds like the word “none”. So while one interpretation of my response could be “No, there is none (i.e. no rice)”, what I am actually saying is, “No, there is naan (bread).”

To clarify, the joke works because naan bread is often used as an alternative to rice in Indian cuisine (although one can have both) (or neither), thereby allowing for the interchangeability of “none” and “naan”. As you may know, many other jokes work on the same basis, where one word is interchangeable with another similar-sounding word. In this case, “none” and “naan” are the similar-sounding words.

My question is – do you think I could use this joke as part of a successful stand-up comedy routine? Obviously I would have to come up with some other jokes to go with it, to complete my “act”. I note that your act is around 50 minutes in duration. How many other jokes would I need to achieve something similar (bearing in mind I won’t be performing any magic)?

With many thanks in advance for your help.

Daniel Drummond Harvey

I have not received a reply. I wonder if he (accidentally) made my email “disappear” with his magic skills?! This is a joke I could perhaps incorporate into my stand-up comedy routine, if I include a section on magic and/or emails.

I recently sent the following email to Ian Smith, the Australian actor who played the part of Harold Bishop in the Australian soap opera “Neighbours”:

Dear Ian Smith,

Many apologies in advance if I am mistaken, but am I right in thinking you are the same Ian Smith who played the part of Harold Bishop in the 1980s Australian soap opera “Neighbours”?

I used to thoroughly enjoy watching Neighbours (before the likes of Jarrod “Toadfish” Rebecchi arrived on the scene) and Harold Bishop was one of my favourite characters. He managed to maintain a great sense of humour, even in the face of tragedy, such as when his daughter (Kerry, played by Linda Hartley-Clark) was shot and killed by a duck hunter.

His tuba playing was also highly entertaining – but, I wonder, was that really you or were you miming to a recording? If the former, then may I say you are a very talented all-rounder! If the latter, then it is simply further testament to your skill as an actor. Either way, music clearly runs in the family – as you know, your step-daughter Charlene later became the Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue.

Do you have plans to perform in pantomime in the UK this year?

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

I received the following reply:

Dear Dan

Sorry, wrong Ian Smith

Cheers

Ian

Professor A. Ian Smith
Vice-Provost (Research and Research Infrastructure)
Monash University
Clayton, Vic 3800, AUSTRALIA

It seems Australia is bigger than I thought!

I recently sent the following email to pop singer Daniel O’Donnell:

Dear Daniel O’Donnell,

We have (at least) one thing in common – we are both called Daniel.

I am writing to you because I have designed an exclusive range of accessories for people just like you and me, emblazoned with the slogan “Hello there! My name is Daniel.”

The range of accessories currently includes a t-shirt and a travel mug.

You may be asking yourself, why would I want a t-shirt and/or travel mug emblazoned with the slogan “Hello there! My name is Daniel”?

Allow me to explain.

When you are attending a social function (e.g. a barbecue), the t-shirt will save vital time on introductions. I don’t know about you, but when I am attending a social function the need to continuously repeat the words “Hello there! My name is Daniel” becomes more than a little tiresome, especially when you are doing it for the tenth or twentieth time (depending on the number of guests at the function).

Saving time on introductions will help to avoid missing out on other more desirable aspects of the conversation, such as discovering a mutual fondness for Tuscany.

The slogan on the travel mug has a less functional purpose – it is more “just a bit of fun” (although the travel mug itself is a highly functional item, keeping your drinks warm in all weathers, thanks to the aluminium casing’s excellent thermal qualities).

I hope that you enjoy these items as much as I hope you do!

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

Daniel O’Donnell has neither responded to my email nor purchased a t-shirt or travel mug. I can only assume he is currently too busy touring his latest album “Songs from the Movies and More”.

The good news is that I have decided to open up this offer to my readers. Simply visit the “shop” page on my website to view and purchase the items mentioned above. Either item will make an ideal Christmas present for that special someone in your life named Daniel.

I recently wrote to Donald Trump, the American business magnate, television personality and author. This is what I wrote:

Dear Donald Trump,

I am sending this email to your Executive Assistant, Ms Rhona Graff, as I do not have your personal email address. I am very grateful to Ms Graff for passing my email to you. She is a very good Executive Assistant! (Assuming she has passed my email to you.)

First, let me say that I am a big fan of your property portfolio and card games. You are evidently an excellent businessman, and it is clear to me (and others) that your businesses “Trump” those of your competitors! (I am sure you have heard this joke in one form or another many times over the years, or perhaps even told it yourself in an after-dinner speech, so I hope you will excuse my little bit of fun, and I certainly hope that you did not take any offence at my using your name for humorous purposes.)

I understand you have recently built a big “golf course” in Scotland. Well done! I am not a fan of golf myself (when I have played, I have found it too difficult to hit the ball into the hole), but clearly some people are, and I am sure they will have a great deal of fun “teeing off” on the facilities you have provided. I sometimes wonder how they come up with these games! (For example, rugby.)

I understand there was a bit of a fuss when you were building the golf course, including complaints that you were destroying a dune system on a site protected by law and harassing local residents with compulsory purchase orders. Personally, I suspect that these complaints were quite unwarranted – I am sure that there are plenty of dunes and houses in Scotland, and I am equally sure that there are not enough golf courses. I must admit I haven’t been “north of the border” (the border between England and Scotland) very much myself – I find the weather a little inclement and the locals rather coarse (except for your mother, obviously) (although I never met her).

However, and here is the main reason for my writing to you, I would like to make one thing perfectly clear. While I have no reason to think you are considering it, I would like to place on record that I will NOT agree to the development of my back garden into a golf course of any variety, including a “miniature” one (which would be the most size-appropriate option for my garden).

I shan’t deny that with the correct placement of a windmill and a number of other fun obstacles (such as a clown’s head), my garden has the potential to be a miniature golf course of international repute. I also appreciate that the transport links (via the M3 motorway, Winchester rail station, and Southampton international airport) are second-to-none.

Nevertheless, the inconvenience of having visitors from all over the world tramping through my side-gate at all hours (or even during restricted opening times of, say, 9am to 5pm) would be quite intolerable. If you were to arrange a separate entrance via Tovey Place, that would improve the situation somewhat, but it would still be far from ideal.

I know that you are a busy man, but I would be extremely grateful for your reassurance on this matter.

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

Having waited a reasonable period of time for a response, I have received nothing. This leads me to one of two conclusions – either Rhona Graff is not a very good Executive Assistant, or my garden is in imminent danger of being developed into an international leisure facility.

I recently sent the following email to Jeffrey Archer, the best-selling English author and former politician whose political career ended with his conviction and subsequent imprisonment (2001–03) for perjury and perverting the course of justice.

Dear Jeffrey Archer,

I have just spent a most enjoyable few moments browsing your website – the aptly named http://www.jeffreyarcher.co.uk

I had no idea that you had written such a large quantity of books (twenty four by my count), including both fiction and non-fiction. I congratulate you on your prolific output!

I am actually in the process of writing a novel myself and I would be extremely grateful if you were able to give me some feedback.

Here is a brief synopsis of what I have come up with so far:

John Davidson runs a successful landscape gardening business. Unfortunately he is killed by an irresponsible drunk driver. In his will, he leaves the landscape gardening business to his daughter, Jane. To his son, David, he leaves a mysterious sealed envelope. When David opens the envelope, things are never the same again…

I haven’t yet worked out what is in the envelope, or what happens to David as a result of opening it, but I intend to make it quite dramatic. Do you think the novel has potential?

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

I received the following reply:

Many thanks for your email.

Jeffrey appreciates you taking the time to write.  I’m afraid it’s difficult for him to give you any feedback on your idea, as whatever is in the envelope is the crux of the tale. Nevertheless, he wishes you the best of luck with your story.

Kind regards,

Alison Prince
Personal Assistant to Jeffrey Archer

I replied as follows:

Dear Alison Prince and Jeffrey Archer,

Many thanks for your email and your helpful feedback regarding the contents of the envelope being the crux of the tale.

Based on your feedback, I have elaborated my idea and include a summary below. Please could you let me know what you think?

John Davidson runs a successful landscape gardening business. Unfortunately he is killed by an irresponsible drunk driver. In his will, he leaves the landscape gardening business to his daughter, Jane. To his son, David, he leaves a mysterious sealed envelope. When David opens the envelope, he finds a cheque for £10,000. This amount is based on a recent valuation of the landscape gardening business, as John Davidson was keen to ensure that his children benefited equally from his will.

Under Jane’s directorship the landscape gardening business flourishes, and by the end of the following financial year its value has reached £18,000. David knows that no standard investment vehicle will give him an equivalent return of 80% on his £10,000, so he places his £10,000 on a horse, “Legs Eleven” running in the 3.30 at Chepstow, at odds of 5 to 4 on. Will David’s horse come in, to bring his inheritance in line with that of his sister? Or will he lose everything and be forced to spend the rest of his life working as one of Jane’s “hired hands”?

Relationships are tested to the limit in this extraordinary tale of sibling rivalry.

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

I have received no further response from Jeffrey Archer or Alison Prince. This makes me rather suspicious. I shall be keeping a close eye on the future novels of Jeffrey Archer – and, indeed, of Alison Prince – to ensure they haven’t “borrowed” my idea.

I recently sent the following email to Bruno Fromage, Managing Director of Danone UK. In case you did not know, Danone manufacture Activia, the yogurt brand with intestinal health benefits.

Dear Bruno Fromage,

Let me begin by saying that I do not intend to make any comments about your rather amusing name. I’m sure you are already quite “cheesed off” with all the jokes!

So let me get straight to the point.

As you know, the actress and singer Martine McCutcheon is the “face” of Activia’s television advertising campaign in the United Kingdom.

I certainly shan’t deny that, in many respects, she is a good choice for such a role, with her relatively attractive appearance and friendly regional accent.

However I would question whether she is really the best person to represent the health benefits of Bifidus Regularis and Bifidus Digestivum.

Martine McCutcheon is well-known for a number of reasons, including being run over by the stand-up comedian Mike Reid (in character as Frank Butcher in the BBC soap opera “Eastenders”) and appearing as a judge in the second series of ITV1’s “Soapstar Superstar”.

But perhaps what she is best known for in recent times is vomiting into the hair of pop singer Mick Hucknall.

Doesn’t this seem rather at odds with a product which promises to promote a healthy gut?

I am not suggesting for a moment that consumption of Activia had anything to do with the vomiting incident – more likely it was due to the effects of alcohol or Mick Hucknall – but it is all too easy for a connection to form in one’s mind.

For your next television advertisement, instead of Martine McCutcheon might I suggest Anneka Rice who, as far as I am aware, has never vomited on another celebrity?

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Drummond Harvey

Annabel Croft (who took over from Anneka Rice on the television game show “Treasure Hunt”) might also be a good choice to replace McCutcheon.