danielsjourney

Busy busy busy (still)

2013-04-26T22:40:00-05:00

Shipping again

Shipped a major refactor/rewrite of our application this week, with a lot of help and a lot of long days. There are still some rough spots but this was a huge win for sanity and future velocity. I also accepted a full time offer this week (or was it the end of last week?), so that’s official. Will be updating all the pertinent socnets as I get around to it.

A world all my own

I haven’t any time to ride during the week for the last two weeks save for a few bike commutes, but really late at night after I can’t code anymore I’ll play Minecraft for an hour give or take and slowly accomplish objectives in the game.

My valley of relative safety. Over the last few days I’ve been nurturing a sugarcane farm, from which I made paper (yeah, I don’t know either). Tonight I braved the depths of an empty mine I discovered and found some red stone (think magic uranium), I made it back to the surface, crafted a compass and then, combined with my paper, a map. I must say, I felt a great sense of accomplishment.

16 months

So delightful she is!

Give me that phone!

Pig at the park!

Big Week

2013-04-12T21:54:00-05:00

Shipping

Last Friday was a 10 (billable¹) hour day after a 4 hours of sleep night. That (Friday) night was in the top three most difficult nights of my (brief, I’ll admit) sobriety.

But we shipped. And shipping is always good, if always a bit disappointing. There are always bugs that wait until after you’ve shipped to reveal themselves. This is particularly true when there isn’t a QA process in place but I think it’s true regardless.

So I made due with some NA beer and a cigar.

Lucy

I’m just so into this girl it’s insane. She calls me “dada” now (and Carissa “mama”). She is learning new things every day. The other day she learned how to say “sauce”, which is her best-pronounced word so far.

From the podcast

Most of you still don’t know I have a podcast (which is really just selections from other’s podcasts, with a few mashups thrown in for good measure) because I only mention it sporadically and don’t link to it anywhere else. I am also bad about updating it. Trying to fix that tonight.

Pete Rollins on “Religion for Life” podcast

What seemed like an innocent and probably blasé interview of thinker and friend Peter Rollins by who I assumed was a mainstream Christian podcaster turned into not only a really succinct primer on Peter’s most current ideas but also an almost hauntingly poignant discussion of a topic that hits very close to home.

Design hero Naz Hamid gets philosophical

Originally from the United Pixel Workers podcast (if you like this clip check out the entire 1.25 hour conversation).

Cloud Cult’s “Love” on NPR

“This album really looks at all the different aspects of the self that need to be healed up in order to facilitate the process of stepping aside and allowing love to speak for our life rather than our wounds,” lead singer Craig Minowa says.

The songs Minowa writes for his band can have the feel and hushed tones of a lullaby, and the emotion comes from a tragedy that’s all too real. One night back in 2002, Minowa and his wife put their 2-year-old son, Kaidin, to bed. Their beloved boy did not wake up.

Doctors could not explain why Kaidin died in his sleep, leaving Minowa to channel all that sadness and uncertainty into his work.

“…Everything that we did together, every moment that we had together, everything that he felt and everything that I felt for him still resonates out there in the universe. And I refuse to believe anything less than the idea that I’ll somehow be with my son again.”

From months ago, but always relevant

To visit my oldest daughter I have to go to the cemetery. And then I think, “You know, f**k you. I’m living how I’m going to live, because you have no f**king idea what this is like. You can give me no advice or impose your expectations on me.” And I sit here in front if her grave until my feet are asleep and the ants are crawling all over my legs and I look at pictures of her and I wonder WHY yet again and I write this. But mostly I miss her. I miss both who she was and I miss who she didn’t get to be.

The record

Has stagnated for a lot of reasons. It is hard to keep momentum when there are so many other things going on. The smallest hiccup in the process can become seemingly insurmountable. But there is a Facebook page for it, so go like it if you haven’t already.

Those of you who have had to bill to the minute will know how long a day that _really_ is. ↩

Birthday

2013-03-31T21:41:00-05:00

Enjoyed a week of birthday celebrations.

The evening of the 24th we had a guest for dinner and Carissa made salt-encrusted whole fish that was pretty much the best fish I’ve ever had. Monday (my actual birthday) she took me to Stephen Pyles for lunch. We indulged in the “Heaven and Hell” cake, which was big enough for four. We had it for dessert that night as well. That night I opened my present from my parents, the Rapha merino boxes which I have since worn them on my bicycle commute and they are as advertised, even if I don’t look as good as the guy in the promotional photographs. They’ll be great for mountain biking as well.

Yesterday Carissa planned a birthday bike ride for me and so friends came over for coffee and scones and then we set about around town. I also received some locally-roasted coffee (our house can never have too much) and a rad 1983 Coors Classic bicycling cap to add to my collection. First stop was the bike shop where I received Carissa’s present of a new truing stand. Then (more) coffee, tacos and a brisk lap of White Rock Lake.

Lucy is happy, healthy, delightful and as of this week officially walks! Her presence in our lives is the best gift of them all and I am constantly in awe of her and grateful for her life.

This week Carissa is featured in D Moms magazine. Looks like the online version is a little bit different than what will be in print on Thursday, so be sure to give it a look if you see a copy while you’re out and about the town.

The Rumors of Google Reader's Death Have Not Been Greatly Exaggerated

2013-03-13T23:51:00-05:00

With Google Reader being shut down I wasted no time searching for another RSS reader (having not much love for Google Reader in the first place but not enough discontent to move away from it…until forced to). I’ve ended up at NetNewsWire, the first one I thought about due to its longstanding good reputation in the Mac world.

The interesting thing is that lately I’ve been feeling a need to get back to the pre-Web-2.0 days of owning my own content. And importing all my blog subscriptions was incredibly telling in regards to those of you who have let your blogs languish. My favorite evidence of this was my friend Erica’s last post, from 2010, promising to write more on her already-by-then long-neglected blog.

Now I just need a script to throw all my starred items into Instapaper, or somesuch. And those of you on Blogger, you might should be looking over your shoulder. Remember when the people working on these products seemed so glamorous?

Lucy: 14 Months

2013-03-13T23:38:00-05:00

Lucy turned 15 months 10 days ago, which means it’s about time for her 14 month photos to hit the internet. Momma is a busy photographer, besides which, Lucy is a demanding little red bear. So in case you missed it, here is the set and here is Carissa’s post. These two are my favs:

I love her eyes in the second one. It’s like seeing the future.

Novel Mobile-Specific Content Handling

2013-03-07T15:26:00-06:00

On my current project I was tasked with creating an iPhone-specific view with the constraint that it had to be the same page as the already-constructed desktop-optimized version and the requirement that content be moved in the new mobile view. For whatever reasons I’ve had rather mixed results device-sniffing with javascript in the past but almost universal success using media queries in CSS to target difference devices (and I was already doing so on this page). So I devised this scheme for determining if the viewing target was a mobile device and then moving the desired content appropriately. I haven’t yet figured out if it is clever or full of hidden perils. If you have an opinion give me a shout. It works and the only drawback I see so far is it requires an extra empty div on the page.

Weeks Ten and Eleven

2013-02-17T13:23:00-06:00

…wherein I lose track of the weeks and re-enter the proper workforce and long for the days when I had time to think about productivity and life direction.

The contract I mentioned a while back as “possibly turning full time” has essentially done that, in so much as it has become a 30-hour-a-week contract, which, I’m finding, consumes at least 40 hours of a week. The lower overall commitment level suites me fine for now, though, as I’m still trying to finish up and/or start some side projects, one of the best evidences of which is the fact I’m still titling these less-than-weekly minutial posts as weeknotes.

Still, I find myself in regret for the books I’m not reading and the extra time I’m not spending with Lucy, who is growing up fast these days. Soon she will be toddling around the house in a nonstop blaze of activity.

The paid work has gotten in the way of the unpaid work, namely the new record, some bartered work, and the secret side project. But as long as the paid work is interesting, pleasant and, well, paid, I can’t very well complain now can I? Stress about money can ruin everything else and so it is best to assuage that stress as long as the work stress does not overwhelm it. And as I grow older I’m finding that the only people who achieve a work-life balance are those people who simply do not (or need not) worry about money, so until I’m at that point I’m happy with the amount of balance I am able to maintain.

The sobriety has gone better than expected. Today marks the end of month one. There have been days I have been very tempted. But not so much that I was about to drive to the beer store. I have found a couple brands of non-alcoholic beer that suite me but I’ve moved more to tea in the evenings, thankful that it is still warm beverage season here in North Texas, as short as that season might be.

I’m adding additional behaviors each month so today I have to develop a tracking system for the next month’s, which are almost all weight-loss related. I lost about 7.5 pounds in month one, eating whatever I liked whenever I liked and only riding as much as I could, which was not even as much as I would have liked. This month I eat less and more carefully as well as ride consistently. I’m curious what the additional behaviors do for my weight, fitness and willpower, especially as they begin to pile on month after month.

Weeks Seven, Eight and Nine

2013-02-04T22:33:00-06:00

Busy!

Oh how the weeks are flying by! I’ve wanted to blog but have had too many things in the air at one time. A development contract, some bartered web design work, the new record, two different side projects. And tomorrow my wife gets her picture taken for a feature in D Moms.

Still not a lot to share about any of those things in said air. But I do want to share this talk by one of my favorite people, Aaron Draplin. If you want to be inspired, love awesome people and aren’t put off by a lot of salty language, spend an hour with this little gem:

Sobriety

I’ve known for a long time that giving up the drink would be the single biggest contribution I could make to my health both mental and physical. But I’ve had an ongoing affection for beer that has bordered on a creepy one-way love affair. Because clearly beer doesn’t love me. The weight I can’t lose as long as it’s around. The lack of late night productivity. The morning seasickness. And I’ve been fighting clinical depression for over two years while taking dose after dose of depressives most every night. Pretty f**king stupid.

Last year I abstained as a matter of principle for two separate months (February and July) but failed in a third attempt (September). I realized a month was too short; it didn’t break the habit; it was a sprint, not a marathon. So after a lot of deliberation and a little procrastination I have embarked on a minimum six month time of sobriety.

I’m currently 2.5 weeks in. I’m down half a belt loop (weight is about the same). I’m more productive. I can’t tell yet if I’m faster on the bike, but I know for a fact that one is coming (I experienced it in those months last year). (I’ve been a little too busy for decent training lately.) And the most surprising of all, I am noticeably happier. As in, I have had moments of quietly profound realization of my own happiness. This is something new.

I’m also often irritable! (I’m hoping that one goes away.) I’m also even more anti-social than normal. And I miss (good) beer way too much.

Lucy

Lucy is almost 14 months old. She is so pretty. I’ve tried to be as objective as possible and have come to that determination. She is happy, funny and very smart. This girl dances, tickles, kisses, feeds her farm animals, crawls, climbs, stands and high-fives. She says “hot”, “hat”, “cheese”, “ice (cream)”, “mmm!” and makes the sounds that cats, sheep and cows make. She makes her little toy alligator attack your little toy cat. The cat, should you be in this circumstance, must scream and run away. Because that’s hilarious.

She fist-bumps and beat-boxes. Not kidding.

Week Six

2013-01-13T17:49:00-06:00

Carissa asked what the titles of these posts were about. In case you also do not know, they’re weeknotes, “updates about what your business has been doing over the past seven days or so.” In this case I don’t have a “business” yet but I’m simply counting from when I begin exploring new ideas and options following the end of my time at Extra Sauce.

Also I just discovered, somewhat pleasantly, that I had counted incorrectly last week and that this is in fact week six and last week was week five, even though the permalink will forever hold my mistake.

Sundays is when Penn’s extreme extraversion and 9-year-oldness most conflicts with my extreme introversion and old-manness. 36 hours of he not being around enough people and me being around too many people. We both start to lose our minds in subtle but important ways and conflict is the frequent result; of course being the adult I am the one who must swallow my emotions and just deal with it. This whole thing is normally assuaged by the fact I go on long bike rides weekend mornings, but the last few weeks the very cold weather and other schedule conflicts have prevented those rides from happening.

This last week I intended to start working away from home at a coworking facility. The lack of focused time has brought progress on this project to a standstill. Being at home, I’ve discovered Lucy will devour all present persons’ attention. It often seems like even with two of us here it is all we can do to get in a shower and check email.

Although you must admit, she is very cute. And you haven’t even seen her turn pages in a cookbook and say “MMMmmm!” every time there is a picture of food!

We have also had a rather busy social schedule as of late, both personal and business related. Making up for a little lost time in that department.

But part of that for me is the return of paid work, possibly turning full time in as few as two weeks. This is a good thing, says my budget and bank account, which are tired from months of redness. But it makes me a little regretful for having not taken better advantage of this time for my own ends, even if the better part of me knows this new thing is a long term process that might be better served constrained to a couple hours in the early mornings and evenings.

But then there is the reality of all the other things that need doing, from personal care like riding my bike and reading to family matters such as medical issues and home repairs. I’m preaching to the choir here I know.

The new record has been one of the highlights in regards to the last month’s productivity. It is nearly done. It even has a name, or I should say some variations on a name. I’ll be sure to reveal more as it becomes ready.

My fitness has been another story. Since completing the Festive 500 I have not done much but gain weight. I’ve had some persistent back pain while riding since the last two days of the 500 that I thought would go away with some rest but hasn’t. I’ve been terrible at doing core work (because I hate it) but apparently that fact has caught up with me and now I’m faced with a long fight to regain some core strength and rid myself of this pain. It’s also continued to be cold, which I love, but I must have burnt myself out on being out in it because my motivation to ride seems to dive the closer to 40°F it gets, and lately it’s been that or below. (Like most people, I suppose, I find there to be a pretty solid bell curve of comfort between 40 and 100.) It did get above 60 one day last week, and I managed a quick ride with only armwarmers for extra warmth. By the next day, though, the temperature had dropped and a very cold rain set in. Texas.

Fast Boy

2013-01-09T09:25:00-06:00

Shit. I’m just getting good at this.

– Fast Boy

In case you need caught up: December

I’m still trying to process this news. It, as always, seems unfair. But particularly so in this case.

David by Noah Gundersen

2013

2013-01-08T10:16:00-06:00

Resolutions Goals Intentions Ideas about what to do

I wrote down some goals yesterday so I could check that todo off my list.

Week Five

2013-01-05T21:19:00-06:00

Update: This was originally titled “Week Six” but I counted wrong!

There has been 100% less work done than planned. There has been Christmas, and lots of bicycle riding, and breakfasts, and dinner parties, and small tasks, and time with Penn and Lucy, and both of them being amazing in their own ways. And my wife, who I am so grateful for and who holds everything together with cuddles and baked goods.

For the record, Lucy loves bicycles and bicycle paraphernalia.

There have been some ideas about what this new year should hold for me in terms of growth and better personhood. There have been a few first steps in the direction of those ideas. Nothing worth writing about just yet. But hope.

For the record, I make a mean scrambled eggs.

Quietly, the week before last, a few days after Christmas, Lucy grew older than Margot was. Before she left us, Margot was walking. Lucy isn’t exactly close, but she’s making progress towards bipedalism. When remembering, there is a certain measure of cognitive dissonance, when the last weeks of Margot’s life are mostly a blur of pain and disbelief; and, well, all weeks with Lucy are so full of joy, laughter and happiness. I recently saw Penn playing with a three year-old and it was impossible not to imagine what it would be like to have Margot still here with us. But we don’t. We do have each other. And the four of us continue forward in a cloud of that grace and we will be grateful for every day it exists.

For the record, Penn is a kick-ass climber. See that taller wall to his right? He reached the top of it, too.

The new record is almost done. It might have a title.

In the meantime, listen to this:

Honest Songs by Noah Gundersen

The 2012 Festive 500

2012-12-31T13:15:00-06:00

It was harder than last year but I managed it. I’m not sure why it was harder except for the fact that it was consistently 10-30 degrees colder than it was last year, but that just made it feel more authentic. I also rode my second-ever century (the first) on many roads I’d never ridden on before, which was painful but left me with a great feeling of accomplishment.

Day One

Rolled with the Oak Cliff crew I frequently ride with. Some new roads for me in an area I ride frequently, and the best weather of the entire 500.

Day Two (Christmas day)

I got Penn a new bike for Christmas so he was anxious to get on it. Unfortunately it was raining all morning (I’ve never opened presents to the sound of thunder before). As soon as the rain turned to snow in the afternoon we headed out. The additionally unfortunate part was that there were 20+mph winds. Penn made it over two miles before he asked to turn around. Pretty good I thought. We were both miserable.

That night’s Christmas dinner was an amazing time with friends that deserves its own blog post but will probably be reserved for our oral history.

Day Three

The day after Christmas was again really cold (for Texas), and I couldn’t find anyone willing to ride in the sub-30°F weather. I managed a measely 20 miles in the morning, then Penn and I went out again in the afternoon.

Day Four

Rolled out with the Oak Cliff crew again, this time led by a local road/cyclocross racer of repute. The temperature never rose above 40°F. The ride, that was originally planned to be “about” 80 miles turned into 100+ not-slow miles to places further south than I have ever ventured on a bicycle. Beautiful roads, lots of dogs, lots of dirt roads, horses that ran beside us, interesting architectural sights (like this old abandoned strip mall?), and lots of pain. Sadly no pictures, we were too busy riding, eating, or keeping our hands inside our winter gloves!

Day Five

A recovery day from the previous day’s century, I only rode two laps around White Rock Lake, thankfully running into some friends who made the short, cold miles go a little bit faster. Later in the afternoon I took Penn to go climbing with our new friend Stewart and some of the kids he coaches. Penn’s pretty good at climbing so it is fun to watch him scale increasingly difficult routes. I’m trying to figure out a way to get him into it more seriously. We have two more climbing days scheduled for this week.

Day Six

Not really recovered but knowing I needed to complete the 500 kilometers over the next two days due to a 100% chance of rain on the final day of the Festive, I set about cranking out the final miles as gracefully as possible. Ended up with a group of four that again helped keep the pace up and the miles tick by faster.

Day Seven

My final day I was on my own for only the second time since starting the 500. Heading north with a south wind meant a long, slow, windy return trip, then one final lap around the lake to finish the required kilometers. I ended up at 501.7 kilometers.

Day Eight

Today I am grateful to not be on my bike, but also grateful for all the miles inspired by the challenge. It’s been raining all day. We had breakfast with some friends, Lucy took a long nap, and now we’re hanging out with some more friends. Life is good as our little family marches forward into 2013. Buoyed by past heartache, we bob along on the swells of our daily joys, finding our way across this sea of life.

Week Three

2012-12-18T07:10:00-06:00

I really like getting up before dawn, drinking coffee and clearing my virtual desk in silence. This would have been inconceivable at any prior time in my life. I’m officially old? I blame the bicycling for making me a morning person.

Now on day two of week three of freelancing, aka being unemployed, and the business of the everyday continues to be both a burden and a blessing. I am getting to spend a lot more time with Lucy, which is amazing, and I constantly remind myself: that was the majority of the reason for this time. I have also managed to get some things done that had been festering in my inbox for months. One car has new tires and the other one got its tires rotated, only a few (and by a few I mean maybe 10) thousand miles too late. The snail-mail-delivered bills are still in a pile waiting to be addressed, but they’re next on the list.

Creative endeavors, namely “the new record” (which still doesn’t have a name), continue at an accelerated pace.

Yesterday I tried something novel, I didn’t check my email but once, early in the morning. I did have to bring it up at the doctor’s office, in a failed attempt to discover our new insurance plan ID numbers, but I did not really open my inbox again until this morning, at which point I quickly went through all the email waiting there in one sitting. The entire process, both the not-checking and the checking-and-clearing, were freeing experiences I think I will attempt to replicate going forward. I want to focus on the action items in my actual todo lists, not treat my email inbox as one single open channel for urgent interruptions. Now if I can just do the same thing with my social networks.

Lucy's First Birthday Party

2012-12-09T05:34:00-06:00

Lucy turned 1 on Friday and yesterday we had some friends over for a celebration of her first year. Carissa transformed our backyard into a fabulous space that held so much joy, love, friendship, and fun for all ages. I’m really proud of her for the amazing way she hosts.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

100% Joy

2012-12-05T23:01:00-06:00

Lucy: Eleven Months

She smiles and laughs easily. Her personality is more apparent every day and it is spunky and smart and so sweet.

The Quitter

2012-11-30T22:33:00-06:00

Today is my last day at Extra Sauce, where I’ve worked for over a year an a half. The reasons are varied but mostly I just need a break from the startup life and to spend more time with Lucy.

Who could resist, right?

I will be exploring other opportunities in the coming month or two, so if you’re interested in someone like myself please get in touch. (I will, however, be extremely picky.)

In the meantime, enjoy my friend Salim’s latest video (starring another friend, artist Richard Ross), above. (Another little thing I’ll be working more on is the record I’ve been producing, with his and many others’ help, for the the last year or so.)

Today is a Wonderful Day

2012-11-12T16:24:00-06:00

to (ride a bike) (write a blog) (take the train) (eat bacon)

First there was XOXO and its admonishment to “Work on something you are passionate about, because if it becomes successful you’ll have to do it all the time.” Then there was Bret Victor’s talk on “Inventing on Principle”. Then there was the news that Nic Hughes had lost his fight with cancer. Then there was an acknowledgement of the similarities between Margot and Lucy and the moment I’ve described as my biggest regret. There’s been a serious theme around here and it’s not going to stop with this post.

Nic’s Memorial

Nic’s memorial was last weekend and my friend Steve Collins attended and documented some of it.

In his Flickr I found these words, penned by Kester Brewin for the event:

We gather in protest
in defiance of the absurd and arbitrary cruelty of illness
and say that we will not be cowed
that, though we should not be here
now that we are we will raise our hearts
in glad remembrance of a truly wonderful man
and raise our voices in loud song
against the silence of the grave
and raise our glasses in merry rebellion
against that which comes without thought
and takes those we love from us

In response to the experience, Steve wrote:

nic’s death is a warning. we always think we can meet up some other time - when we’re less busy [but we’re always busy]. and suddenly there is no more time.

the same busyness claims the time we should have been doing the stuff we were placed here to do - our unique contribution or gift. instead we shopped and cleaned and cooked, made trivial phone calls, worked for money, in the hope that when we’d done all these acts of maintenance they would give us time and space for what we really meant to do.

“How You Will Die”

Then, to top it off, Deliberatism (one of my favorite blogs, probably now to become one of your favorites if you take the time to read some of the archive) reminds us:

Like so many things in life, we complicate matters by treating edge cases as high probabilities, while skipping the obvious (and easy to remedy).

The good news? By leaving work early, walking home the long way, and enjoying a good dinner, you’re taking direct action against public enemy number one. Isn’t it a pleasant surprise to find a remedy so appealing?

Unfortunately for us, Nic and Margot were both taken from us too soon and in unlikely ways. Nic’s cancer was exceptionally rare, and I still struggle with the number of unlikely events that led to our loss of Margot. To say it has raised my anxiety and made me particularly prone to “treating edge cases as high probabilities” is putting it lightly. But the additional good news is that the treatment is still the same.

“Cycling’s part of that subtle end of the spectrum.”

One of my main prescriptions is bicycling. Over in my podcast I’ve recently posted two clips of Mike Burrows from The Bike Show, which has this to say about him:

Mike Burrows is probably best known for his design of the Lotus 108 pursuit bike that Chris Boardman rode in the Barcelona Olympics, winning the first gold medal for a British cyclist in over 70 years. But Mike has made a huge contribution to pedal powered machines more widely. His compact road frame first developed for Giant is now a design standard and his designs have moved the world of laid back or recumbent bicycles on from the early, pioneering days in 1970s California. Burrows remains inventive, opinionated and passionate about bicycles.

The first clip is about the freedom that a bicycle engenders, both a freedom in movement but also a freedom from toil:

The second clip is about money and happiness:

So I write this while at work. With a little bit of irony.

Yesterday Penn and I had a day together. First we went to Cindy’s for a 2nd breakfast. Then we hung out at the office for a while; I completed a couple of tasks and he read his book report book. Then we walked to the train, took the train to Mockingbird station, had a drink and a bite at Trinity Hall, shopped at Urban Outfitters (a dress for mom, a hat and a gag gift for Penn), took the train back downtown and drove home, making a quick stop for ice cream. He was perfect the entire afternoon.

So this is just the usual, a post about meaning and more ruminating about how it might be staring me in the face the entire time. Maybe I’m just having a midlife crisis. Maybe I’ve never really been able to distinguish between the important and the merely urgent. Maybe I should just go home.

Later, at home…and maybe I should just keep writing.

Daddy's Girls

2012-11-06T10:38:00-06:00

This.

About two years ago Daniel went to work and our late daughter, Margot, crawled to the door crying because she didn’t want him to go. Last week Lucy did the same thing. I grabbed my camera because in that moment, everything in my head stopped and connected the two moments together…

This has happened a lot, recently. I think it’s because Lucy is finally nearing an age where we are ripe with memories of Margot and the similarities are beautiful. And now tragic. Lucy just started crawling and she shares the bizarre crawl of her sister. One leg out and one leg under in an awkward scoot. They share the same tone of whine for things. They share physical items and it’s fun to see things like the car that my Aunt Gyl got Penn when he was 4 months old, that Margot loved, that Lucy now pushes around with her one little outstretched finger.

Lucy’s stunning red hair is defiantly different and I love her for it…

With Lucy approaching her first birthday I am consumed with remembering.

“Daddy’s Girls”

Nic

2012-10-07T18:29:00-05:00

Today I found out Nic Hughes lost his ongoing fight with cancer. He was a loved husband, father, friend, designer and thinker. He was barely older than I. He was a peer and an idol at once. After Margot’s death he wrote me:

Dear Daniel, I think we’ve briefly met once and have occasionally exchanged email and comments from time to time. I talked to Steve at Greenbelt and he confirmed what I suspected from your twitter feed–that Margot did not make it.

I have no way of understanding this or coming close to your experience, apart from, that I have kids too. In the end, words are completely inadequate. This is to show solidarity and say that I’m thinking of you in this unfathomable moment of loss.

Hope this is not too invasive? Take care, Nic Hughes

On the way home from the office, where I was when I heard, I was somehow drawn to memories of a host of those we’ve lost. I found myself listening to Carter’s record. I happened to drive by where earlier this year we saw a teenage girl killed.

Later, in reply to my helpless email of remorse, our mutual friend Kester replied:

From afar, with the dignity and rage with which you dealt with your loss, you’ve already been such a help.

It’s hard to conceive of the fact that my own suffering gives space for others’, but I guess it is true. While I cannot create a narrative that accounts for our loss of Nic…while I only recently, in a moment of personal reflection, discounted all narratives that gave meaning to our loss of Margot…in it lies a bit of something that provides some meaning to others. As I discovered today, Nic once wrote me:

Narrative is gold.

Amen to that, and godspeed, Nic.

Here is something I recorded for Nic (as requested of many by his friends before his passing). It might give you a little insight into what Nic meant to me:

If you’re curious about the things I mention in that audio, check out Vaux’s page on smallfire.org or explore Vaux’s archive.