If you’re reading this, you probably know I am training for the Chicago Marathon on October 9.
If you don’t know that, well, I am training for the Chicago Marathon on October 9.

Right now I am *supposed* to be planning a 20 mile running route.
Tomorrow I am *supposed* to run 20 miles.
For training.

TWENTY MILES!

That. Is. Insane.
I am reminding myself that I chose this.
I am reminding myself that I have trained for five months for this.
I am trying to trick myself into believing I am ready and I can do it.

But right now, I must speak some truth.

I. AM. SCARED.

I am not confident.
I am dreading this run.
I don’t know if I can do it.

Run 26.2 miles.
ME!
Ridiculous.

I am writing a bit tongue-in-cheek, yes.
But as I do tears are streaming down my face.

I’m scared.

Really, really scared.

I’ve put so much into this.
And my longest run (18 miles) was awful. What if 20 miles is too?
But then 16 was good. (16 rocked!)
Then 10 was hell on earth (or in Texas, where I ran the awful run).
There was a good 14-miler. But that was so long ago.

In my mind, so much is riding on tomorrow’s 20 mile run.
If I can’t do it….then what?

In the grand scheme of life, this is not a big deal.
I get that.
But in the grand metaphor that running is to life, it is a very Big Deal.

I’m not totally sure why I am writing this.
I suppose it is to get out the real stuff going on in me – the stuff that is a barrier to actually planning the run.
The stuff blocking my mind. Because….

…..Running is 90% mental.
My body is ready – pretty sure of that. (I think. Maybe. Oh crap.)
My mind – well, not so much.
That is the hardest part.
Because I really need tomorrow to go well.
And my mind is not in the game.
Maybe writing this will help.
Honesty usually does.

And if I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m scared.

That is all. Thanks for receiving my words.

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Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.

Many things impacted and moved me as I remembered that awful day. One was Patti Digh’s powerful and beautiful post. One was CBS’s show, 9/11 Ten Years Later with Robert DiNiro. And one was an article by Michele Woodward.

It was Michele’s article that moved me to write this post.

My 9/11 Story

On the morning of September 11, I was sitting aboard a Boeing 767 jet. My destination that morning was Boston, with a stopover in Atlanta. As we were preparing to land in Atlanta, I became aware of the fact that we were circling, circling, circling. “Why are we circling the airport?,” I wondered. “Why is the pilot not talking to us?,” my fearful flyer self said, alarmed.

The circling went on for so long I had to fight panic (anyone who knows me knows I am not a good flyer). I was traveling with two colleagues, one of whom tried to distract me by engaging me in a conversation in Spanish. As I spoke broken Spanish with him, I knew something must be wrong for so much circling to be occurring. Weather? Deer on the runway? Landing gear that is stuck that they don’t want to tell us about?

No. It was worse. Much, much worse.

In hindsight I now know we were circling because we were caught in an aerial traffic jam resulting from the FAA’s grounding of all aircraft in US airspace. While I had been flying at 35,000 feet, two planes had crashed into buildings and all hell had broken loose.

I spent the next four days in Atlanta, amazed at the silence of no aircraft.
In these days, I booked countless flights home to Denver, all canceled.
Finally, on Friday, September 14, I was on one of the first flights to fly when airspace was opened.

I was terrified.

But my drive to get home to my community was more powerful than my fear.

One of the best moments of my life was arriving in Denver. I came up the escalator to find my on-again-off-again-love-him-hate-him-drives-me-crazy-adore-him-annoying-addictive-lovely friend waiting for me. We hugged, feeling the intensity of all that had occurred in America that week. It wasn’t a lover’s hug. It was an embrace of humanity, connection, and home.

10 years ago

Ten years ago my life was very, very different than it is now.
Ten years ago I was single. Today I am married.
Ten years ago was deeply into the church. Today I struggle with spiritual matters.
Ten years ago I had a best friend. Today she won’t speak to me.
Ten years ago I had an amazing community. Today I struggle to find connection.
Ten years ago I thought I had life figured out. Today I am in the reality of mid-life.
Ten years ago, I lived in a safe bubble. Today I am living the result of having taken the red pill.
Ten years ago, I never exercised. Today I am training for a marathon.
Ten years ago, I existed. Today, I live.

As I write that list, I am reminded that my past ten years have been hard. And I am keenly aware that life today is not what I want it to be.

But.

I am living and striving to create the life I am meant to live. I have that privilege.

Karen Ann Martin of American Flight 11 does not. Sandra W. Bradshaw of United Flight 93 does not. SGT Tamara C. Thurman, working at the Pentagon, does not. All of these people, do not. None of the people killed on that day have a chance to embrace life, in all its pain and glory.

In her article, Michele recounts her life then and now. She concludes by writing, “On September 11, 2001, three thousand people lost their lives. They had no chance to experience the last ten years of living. But we did. We still do. Don’t you think we owe it to them to embrace whatever it is that’s coming? And embrace it with love? With kindness? With creativity?”

Yes, Michele. Yes we do. Life is full of sorrow and pain, beauty and joy, love and hope. And we get to live it all.

The question is: Will you?

Until next time, may you love your life today.

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June 4

Today’s post is for the fifth day of the Domino Project’s Trust30 Challenge. Each day, a prompt will be posted that encourages you to look within and trust yourself.

Today’s prompt is from Chris Guillebeau:

If we live truly, we shall see truly. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

I am one of the “not everyone wants to travel the world.” Why isn’t important – it just is.

BUT.
But.

I would like to visit a “thin” place. Sedona. Iona. Anywhere where the dividing line between the holy and the ordinary is very thin. A place where the sense of the Divine is powerful, where the ordinary is not at all ordinary, and where the spiritual is closer.

For many years, I lived a very spiritual, church and Jesus-centered life.

Then I didn’t.

And I don’t.

After years of struggle and doubt and anger about it all, I now believe there is something bigger than me. And, as a part of my spiritual journey – even quest – I long to experience a place where many who have gone before me have said the veil is thin.

I want to experience what is there. I want to hear the message that might be there for me.

I want to go.

Getting there is another story. It will entail working hard and being smart with money. It will entail keeping the dream alive in my heart. And it will entail just doing it.

Just doing it.

Until next time, may you love your life today.

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June 2

A Strong Belief Not Shared By Many….. #Trust3o

Today’s post is for the third day of the Domino Project’s Trust30 Challenge. Each day, a prompt will be posted that encourages you to look within and trust yourself.

Today’s prompt is from Buster Benson:

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

This challenge has, well, challenged me. Standing firm on a belief I have that not many share (so I think, anyway) is vulnerable. And, it feels scary to admit…but isn’t that the very point of this exercise?

I have a strong belief – not shared by a LOT of people – that all people and situations, even the most evil, should be viewed with compassion. This includes the murderer, the sex offender, the scandalous politician, and dare I say, even Hitler. It includes companies we rally to hate, like United Airlines, Delta (most recent), TSA and WalMart. It includes Republicans, Democrats, homophobes and arrogant assholes.

Please hear this: this belief is NOT about pardoning crimes, offering leniency, or making business/personal choices “OK”. All actions, all choices, have consequences, and hideous actions deserve severe consequence. But in so doing, we do not need to lose sight of the basic humanity of the offender. I believe ALL people are capable of repentance and change.

~ Even the man who murdered one of my closest friends.
~ Even Rep. Weiner who is all over the news.
~ Even Adolf. Yes, even him.

It feels tough to write these words. But it is my truth. And I suppose that is my lesson in this #trust30 challenge.

Until next time, may you love your life today.

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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Today is the second day of the Domino Project’s Trust30 Challenge. Each day, a prompt will be posted that encourages you to look within and trust yourself.

Today’s prompt is from Liz Danico.

“Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. The force of character is cumulative.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tracks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.

Today is the first day of my summer.

(and that is a loaded sentence.)

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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Today is the first day of the Domino Project’s Trust30 Challenge. Each day, a prompt will be posted that encourages you to look within and trust yourself.

Today’s prompt is from author Gwen Bell, and below is my response. I hope you enjoy.

“You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.
1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.”

To all of you. You, who feel afraid. You, who feel less than. You, who hold it all in. You, who think you have no voice.

It is to you I write. You who will read my last words.

Find yourself. Your Authentic Self. It may not be easy. But you know that voice. You know it. You’ve heard it in the quiet moments of the dark night, from the voice of the trees as you’ve stood in the woods, in your body’s first, gut response to something. She’s quiet, silent as a whisper sometimes. But she is always there, guiding you, showing you—if you will listen.

You’ve often chosen a way your Authentic Self would not choose. And that is part of the path. From those choices, you have learned something. There is information there critical to you becoming even more of the beautiful You you are meant to be. That information is a gift. And we must be still to open it.

Listen to the voices. You know which are not your Authentic Self. Love them all. Yes, ALL of them. They are all there for a reason. They all protect you, love you. And yes, sometimes they don’t get along with each other. But they are a part of you. Listen to their needs and the role they play in your life. Above all, be compassionate. You must be compassionate to all parts of you. And curious. Oh yes, be curious.

You see, once you can do this for yourself – be compassionate, be curious, and find the voice of your Authentic Self – only then can you truly do it for others.

Because all other people, ALL of them, have a story. They all need love. Love stems from compassion, which stems from curiosity. And there is no greater power, no greater need, no greater gift, than love.

Discover who you are created to be. Not a big, famous, showy person. Or maybe a big, famous, showy person. But be YOU. Who were YOU created to be?

Spend your life discovering that. With compassion. With curiosity. And with love.

Until next time, may you love your life today.

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People who live from their authentic self amaze me.

People who stand boldly and vocally for what they believe in amaze me.

People who can make me laugh amaze me.

People who know how to make an idea come to fruition amaze me.

Patti Digh, author of the award winning (and amazing) blog 37 days, amazes me.

Patti is a woman who lives passionately from her authentic self, stands up for what she believes, has a wicked dry sense of humor, and has found a way to take a little rant on twitter and turn it into an quick but inspirational read packed with punch.

Four Word Self Help is a book of “simple wisdom for complex lives.” The best part of the book is – well – its simplicity. Four words. Self help. That’s it.

Some of my favorites:

“Drink your coffee black.” (I started doing this a few months ago. Little thing. Big simplicity.)

“Give up toxic people.” (A life-long journey this will be. But such good, simple advice.)

“Stop all your whining.” (Period.)

“Be happy in advance.” (This phrase helps me almost every day, reminding me that I am, as Patti says, ALWAYS at choice.)

“Say what you can’t.” (This one hit me like a knife in the heart. My husband will understand why.)

“Keep fresh flowers nearby.” (A simple reminder to live in the moment and appreciate the little things.)

“Always assume positive intent.” (MY FAVORITE CONCEPT EVER! I’ve tried to live by this for years, when I first heard my own three-word phrase, “See the innocence.” It makes life so much more pleasant.)

“Pick up after yourself.” (Convicted.)

Four Word Self Help is more than just a book of four word phrases. Lucky for us readers, Patti has divided the book into 12 sections, with topics such as community, love, soul, wellness, children. Each section starts with a story. Patti is such a fabulous story teller that these little essays alone make the book well worth reading. But add the four word phrases, the simple wisdom? Pure genius.

Oh, and, to top it off??  The book contains beautiful art work done by her readers.

Bring a little peace, a little centering, a little zip into your life. Check out Four Word Self Help. You’ll be glad you did.

You can thank me later.

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A few weeks ago I began running with a group known as “Norm’s Maggots.” Norm is the owner of a local running store, Jus’ Running, and every Tuesday night for nearly twenty years, he has organized a track workout that has its participants loving and hating him: 1.5 mile warm up, 5 miles of interval training, and a 1.5 mile warm down (for those of you who don’t know what interval training is, don’t worry. I don’t really either. I just run around a track and do what he tells me).

My first night at this workout was a lesson in humility. It was the end of May, and I had just completed my longest and hardest run ever. I thought I was pretty cool. I was very proud of myself. I showed up not knowing what to expect, but really needing some community in my life. What better way to to build community than to find it with my new passion? And I just ran a 15K. I can do this group thing!

That first night there were 35 people who showed up for the workout. We ran to the track. I was the 35th the arrive. We ran the workout. I was the 35th to finish. We ran back to the store. I was the 35th to return.

Humble.

I never claimed to be fast, nor do I have the desire to be fast. But to be THAT slow? There are people there who literally run more than twice as fast as I do. If I complete a lap in 2 minutes 30 seconds, they complete a lap in one minute. Their “recovery” pace is as fast as my fastest run! (My recovery pace is a walk.) I felt humble, embarrassed, awkward and old. I was definitely not a “Maggot.”

But I kept coming back, running as best I could, in lane four, safely out of everyone’s way. On about the fourth workout, Norm pulled me aside for some coaching. “Take the inside lane,” he said. “When you are running your hardest, take the inside lane.”

Are you kidding me? People, FAST people, run on the inside lane. I run in lane four, safely out of harms way lest I be mowed down by these people. But Norm told me no. He told me that I, just like everyone else, deserved that space when I was working my hardest. It didn’t matter that I was slower. They could go around me.

Really?

The next workout, he reminded me, “Take the inside lane.” A fellow runner confirmed it. “You own it,” he said. “The inside lane is yours.” (It is interesting to note that this fellow runner finishes first when I finish 35th.)

I felt so validated. Such simple thing – encouragement to take the inside lane.

I guess I expected to be blown off, to not be taken seriously. I mean, these are serious, competition driven runners. Yet there is space for me. They encourage space for me, which is different than just allowing it.

I’ll never be the caliber of runner as most of Norm’s Maggots. I don’t even want to be. But I love showing up knowing the group helps me with my discipline, gives variety to my half-marathon training, and will eventually help me get more in shape and maybe even just a little bit faster.

Most of all, I love knowing there is a place for me.
I love knowing that even I am a Maggot.

~~~Thoughts~~~

Where in your life have you been surprised at fitting in where you didn’t think you would?
Where has space been made for you?
Where in your life do you need to take the inside lane and run with confidence?

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So here’s the story.

Last Sunday, I was traveling from Asheville to Washington, D.C. As always, I had to connect through Atlanta. Once in Atlanta, something beautiful happened:

• My flight was oversold by TEN!

• They were asking for volunteers to take a later flight.

• Volunteers were given a $400 travel voucher.
  

• I would have a First Class seat on a flight that left three hours later.

• I had AT LEAST three hours worth of prep work to do for my coaching gig the next day.
  

• Whether I did that prep work in an Atlanta airport restaurant or a D.C. hotel restaurant was irrelevant. So…

• I volunteered to give up my seat. $400. First Class. No brainer.

(I’m such an angel.)

The gate agent (let’s call him Sean. I have no idea what his real name is. Nor do I have any idea why I want to call him Sean. I hate the way Sean is spelled. Hmm. But I digress…) told me that I was confirmed on the later flight, first class and 400 travel dollars richer!.

I was happy.

Sean asked me to take a seat until he could accomplish the onerous task of boarding the flight. Once he was not so busy, he would process my new First Class boarding pass and give me my $400 voucher.

Still happy.

Then Bob showed up.

I don’t know if his name was Bob. All I know is that once Bob showed up, everything went to hell.  (And, incidentally, I once dated a guy named Bob. That relationship went to hell. Hence my naming this guy Bob. But again I digress…)

I was standing to the side, watching Bob and Sean. Imagine my horror when Bob asked Sean “What the hell were you thinking?” about asking for so many volunteers. Bob-the-hell-guy said, “We don’t need near this many volunteers. We need to board these people!”

Huh?

My happiness started to take a nose-dive.

$400 – gone.
First Class – gone.
Coaching prep time – gone.

(Isn’t it funny how these things that I had not had 20 minutes earlier were now suddenly “gone”?)

I was annoyed. But still civil. And nice. I even smiled at Sean when I boarded.

Then it happened.

I was informed by a normally-nice-but-I-labeled-as-snarly-in-my-own-projection flight attendant that they were out of room and I could no longer take my bag on. It must be <insert horror movie theme music here: dah, Dah, DAH> CHECKED.

*gasp*

No! Not checked! THE HORROR! I NEVER check my bag. I can’t stand to wait. I don’t want to carry my heavier “personal item” on my shoulder vs strapped to the bag when I deplane. I can’t stand to wait. My computer is in that bag. I can’t stand to wait. I’M A GOLD MEMBER FOR GOSH SAKES!!!!!!!!!!

(Can you hear the entitlement creeping in?)

I was mad.
I tried to deplane.
I was called “ma’am” in THAT flight attendant voice.
The horror.

In my anger, I began to feel the flutters of shame. (Who did I think I was? Why was I so upset? Oh my, I am one of “those” passengers!)

Sean (bless his heart) came down the jetway to me. He fell all over himself trying to apologize for his error, trying to make it right. (“I can give you MILES, Ms. Webb.” Oh god. He called me Ms. Webb.)  As Sean did this, I basically ignored him. I said things like, “Sure.” “Thanks.” “It’s ok.”

I did not say anything mean. Worse. I refused to look Sean in the eye. I barely spoke to him. Ahhh, passive-aggressive-bitchy-princess-self. Hello.

Everything about my energy was me being a jerk.

I got on the plane, settled in, and fumed. What the heck was wrong with me?!

As the jetway pulled away from the plane, I was overwhelmed with guilt. “Oh my gosh,” I thought. “I was such a jerk. What was I thinking? It’s a BAG for goodness sake.” I had an overwhelming desire to get off the plane, run to Sean and fall all over myself apologizing to him.

But he was gone.

All he has of me is the memory of a woman he tried to help who responded by treating him like crap.

Can you relate? Oh, please tell me there is a time in your life that you did something, anything, that makes you able to relate with my story.

Maybe it was Mercury in retrograde.
Maybe it was lack of food after a 6.2 mile run.
Maybe it was lack of sleep.
Maybe it was hormones.

Maybe it was my Entitled Self trying to tell me something about me.

Whatever it was, I decided that feeling guilty and beating myself up was not helpful. Sean was gone. All I had to deal with was me. And I was already upset about treating someone poorly. Why should I continue the poor treatment toward myself?

It took awhile for my emotions to calm down (both the anger and the guilt). And when they did, I began to employ one of my favorite words: CURIOSITY.

I began to get curious about why I had gotten so upset. Why did I feel so entitled? What had happened to the laid back part of me that usually serves me so well in travel snafus?

Because I took the time to be curious and kind to myself, I did get some answers to these questions. And though the entire incident was not my best moment, I am grateful for the lessons.

When entitled self shows up again, I’ll recognize her more easily. And in recognizing her, I’ll be able to offer her care from my Authentic Self, before she hijacks my bus and takes over.

‘Cuz she’s not a very good driver.

So, despite the title of this article, I’m not really a jerk. I made some poor choices, and I learned something from them. And I decided to share my experience in the hopes that you, too, can approach yourself with curiosity and kindness in moments that you act poorly.

Maybe, just maybe, you’ll learn something about a part of you, and learn to love a part of you.

~~~Thoughts~~~

When have you acted in a way the you were later ashamed of?

How did you treat yourself?

Think of a part of you that you feel negatively toward. What if you were to treat that part with curiosity? Try to get to know that part…

• What motivates her?
  

• What is her role in your life?
  

• What is she trying to protect?

• What does she want to tell you?

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You know what I mean. You are talking to someone, one on one or in a group, stranger or acquaintance, by choice or forced.

And the conversation is awful.

Totally one-sided. Or frighteningly negative. Or you’re getting advice you did not ask for. Or being totally offended.

What you really want to do is tell the person what a horrible human being they are, how their relational skills are below those of an elephant, and then throw your wine on them and run screaming from the room.

Unfortunately, doing those things make you no better than the person you are offended by.

So what do you do?

A couple of months ago I had such an encounter. I was traveling for work and was meeting a person I had never met before. We met after work to get to know each other – you know, networking.

In the course of this meeting, I was told a) why what I was doing was a ridiculous idea, b) how many hundreds of others are doing the same thing, c) what I needed to do instead, and d) got the chance to speak about 1% of the time.

It. Was. Awful.

As I sat stewing in anger, extreme annoyance and indignation, I recalled words I had recently read: “We are always at choice.” Always.

“Ah, crap,” I thought. “Here I am, yet again, accountable for my own life.”

I was choosing to sit and receive what was being given.
I was choosing to have annoyed thoughts about it.
I was choosing to be in the negative energy that was there.

So what other choices did I have? (I did have the choice to tell them off, throw wine and run screaming away. But that might just backfire. And, it’s not who I want to be. Though it might have been fun.) I digress…

Here are four alternative choices you can make when dealing with difficult people.

1.  See the Innocence

I adore this term. It is so easy for us to judge others and to unconsciously (or even consciously) assume negative intent. What if, instead, you looked at others with the perspective of “seeing their innocence”? Instead of judging them, assume the best about their intent. Try it. It’s amazing how it can shift your perspective.

2.  Engage, Pursue, Love

When we are being offended by another, most of us have one of two natural reactions: fight or flight. We either fight by engaging in argumentative dialogue, or we take flight by retreating into ourselves and seething in silence.

Try this instead: Let go of wanting or needing anything from the conversation. Instead, pursue what they are talking about. Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves. Give them that gift. You might be surprised what you can learn. Which leads to #3…

3.  Ask Yourself What They Can Teach You

If you are interested in being the best You you can become, then it is important to consider everyone on our journey as a potential teacher. The final quote of the movie Eat, Pray, Love sums up this idea beautifully:

“If you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on [your] journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.”

So, you are in a situation with a difficult person. What are they there to teach you about you?

You can ask yourself why you are so offended. What part of you is activated and what is that part trying to protect? How can this difficult situation help you to grow to be more of the person you really want to be?

4.  Walk Away, Kindly

Finally, if all else fails, you are at choice to walk away. In kindness. No one is keeping you there. If you can’t figure out how to get out of the situation, let that be more information for your own growth. What can you learn to be able to set your boundary more solidly in the future?

Above all else, when dealing with difficult people, remember that you are always at choice in both your attitude and your actions.

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