Mental Motes.

The Bastards At Verizon.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 14:27:00 +0000

So, I am spending my second day waiting for Verizon to fix my phone line. I have a cel phone. The phone line is for my computer....

I got the call yesterday, just before eight, checking to see if I would let them in some time before twelve. I then passed the afternoon calling Verizon to see if they could find out when their man might show. At six, I left for a meeting in prison. At seven twenty, Verizon called to say they were at my house.

Bastards.

This morning, I had some fun trying to locate an office that was open and could tell me if I would be visited by a repair man any time today. It was a fruitless waste of time. As I said to the last person I spoke to, we can put a man on the moon, yet we still can't locate the repair guy.

Wankers.

Where I've Been...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:03:00 +0000

To All My Friends....!

I fell of the blogasphere for a few reasons. I am on a fantastic new med, which has me much more social in the R/L. I also took on a lot of commitments for the prison stuff I do, as well as sponsoring a newly released inmate. I am in school, as you may know, so I have been stuffing my brain with all sorts of new information...

I shall stop here, because I need to stop by and see all of my virtual friends, maybe even respond to comments!

Refreshed.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 12:47:00 +0000

My dear readers,

Thank you for your on-going concern and interest. I am now back and will be trying to catch up to all my friends over the next few days.

The opening was packed, which was great and iI got a 91 out of 100 on my exam....something I'm still pissy about, as I wanted 100!

I plan on uploading pictures from the show, visiting all your blogs and looking at all the emails I haven't opened. In short, I plan on participating again.

Holiday Motes.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 23:33:00 +0000

I have been remiss in writing my blog, and worse, in visiting the lovely group of friends I have made. I was a bit busy, what with the show and I also had my first exam from the Animal Behavior College. So I am dragging a bit. I am well, just a bit out of it. I am now giving myself a holiday, planning to return in a week or so.

Please know that you are all in my thoughts and soul....

Portrait Pictures.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 21:35:00 +0000

Here are the two portraits for the show. I think I lost how Tenbroek (on the right) looks in the painting process.....! Oops. Hope she doesn't hate me too much. Have run out of time, as they are due at the gallery tomorrow. Should be interesting, as they are soaking wet right now.

Portraits In Emotion Interview.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:34:00 +0000

The show that I'm in includes interviews of all the artists. Below is the portion of mine that will be presented with my work. I'm printing it for those of you who live too far away to attend. If I can figure out how, in the future I will offer the entire recording of it.

I suppose overall I had a contented childhood. I remember going to places outside of where I lived and thinking, this is where I could be happy. I remember distinctly thinking if my name weren’t "Dano", then I wouldn’t be in trouble.

[When I am painting] I need a catalyst of some sort to get me to the actual painting. So something as silly as a Swedish fish candy could be the starting point. After a while, I begin to lose myself in the process. I cease to think, and I get into perhaps a state of mind where one doesn’t exist. That is when I know that a panting is going well. It is the loss of self. That is when I produce the best work.

The title “artist” is a heavy label. A lot of times I tell people I am a painter. The term “artist” gets bandied around and cheapened. That is the great thing about Oasis. There is none of this ridiculous laden down stuff [at Oasis] that exists in art schools. It has to be about you showing your own truths from within.

When I have been institutionalized, I bring with me a sketchpad and whatever materials are allowed in that particular institution. It’s a great way of recording how I am thinking and what I a dreaming, and through the drawings you can see how I progress mentally. When I am producing in the studio I feel better about myself mentally. I feel more validated. Producing art is not really related to identity. It just has to be done. It’s more like breathing.

Last year I came out of the hospital and for three months they’d had me on 600mg of Thorazine, amongst other medications. It’s considered a medicinal straight jacket. That greatly diminished my ability to work visually. In 2000 or 2001, I went through twenty one bouts of electroshock therapy. A lot of doctors will tell you that it doesn’t affect your memory unless administered too close together. I’ve lost two or three years worth of memories from around that time. I don’t remember 9/11, for example.

I did a lot of work to rebuild my memory. I have a saintly good friend, Cricket, my best friend. Apparently, we watched the same movies again and again and again until finally I turned to her and said, “Haven’t we seen this before”? I actually would never have signed up for ETC, but for the fact that the doctors were telling me this would be the cure to my crashing and awful suicidal depressions. Pat Lyons, Cricket, and my boyfriend begged me not to go for it, but I was interested in my survival, so I signed up for something that I believe was one of the most self-destructed acts of my life.

I would like to meet the Mother of [the painter] Utrillo. She was a model for many people and a self-taught artist. Her son was much better known than she. She struggled. She worked in various capacities to put together a pittance of money during a time of great upheaval in France. I admire a woman who fights to do what she feels driven towards.

Because I am bipolar, when things are going well, I have some intense abilities. Visually, I can see things that other people can’t, like I can see rainbows in the hairs of my cats. I also have a great sense of smell and taste. I can comprehend and process large amount of information. When I am feeling well, I can be witty and charming and bright and appeal to people. I think it has also given me a certain sensitivity and understanding to other peoples’ plight, which I think is important. It’s hard for me to know whether or not my heightened senses inform my work, because I haven’t seen life through another person’s brain.

We [people with mental challenges] are super-human people. We do things that would waylay the average person. William Styron wrote a short book called Darkness Visible. He points out that people who are depressed are in incredible pain, and they are required to go around like normal people. They go through their daily routine while suffering gut-wrenching, mind-numbing suicidal thoughts sometimes, and they are supposed to talk to people and even smile.

The average person who was in that kind of pain would be bedridden, hooked up to IV’s with pain relief being pumped into them and people visiting them with cards and flowers. And this is not true of people who are depressed. They are looked at as incompetent or lazy and shiftless and bizarre. In 2002 the World Health Organization stated that we have a pandemic on our hands, that one out of five people globally are clinically depressed.

Mental illness is separate from physical illness in the way that the medical establishment views it. I have a medical power of attorney that my best friend holds for me, but that apparently does not include my mental health. So I have to get a separate page added to include my mental health. I don’t see why mental health is not naturally included with your physical health. Your mental health affects your whole health.

My mental health has affected my immediate family. My sister has elected to no longer include me in her life. When I started going in and out of hospitals and it became clear that there was irreparable damage, she didn’t see fit to come visit me. My father and my mother were in New York recently and elected not to see me, even though I haven’t seen them in six years. He wrote and said it was his choice, not my mother’s, and that ever since I was a small child, I have done my best to be provocative, irritating, and enraging. I found that ironic, because all my life I’ve tried my level best to make him proud. I wrote him back and said, “As a child who was sexually molested and with mental health issues, one tends to act out. It’s a fact. I won’t bother you anymore”.

I don’t like the label “mental health consumer”. I didn’t shop for this. It has cost me so much over the years in terms of family, time in hospitals, brain cells from ETC, in terms of loss of self-esteem, and all those sort for things.

If I could change one thing about myself, I’d change the depression because it is so awful and it eats up a lot of my time. However, I would keep the depression if it would help others become more aware and understanding.

My face shows everything and nothing.

Jelly-"Fishy" Story/Why I Open "Fwd:" Emails.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 22:29:00 +0000

Some of you may recall my dislike of "Fwd:" email guff. Look, I love to send things that I find funny/interesting to my friends. But I don't send everything on to everyone. Why? Because I consider whom I'm sending things to. Just because I email crap to you, it doesn't mean that the next person in my book would enjoy said crap.

In light of that, I offer an email sent to me by "X". Clearly she still doesn't read my blog. She mass-emails me and fails to know when I'm ill. But sometimes the "Fwd" she has sent is worthwhile. This one may be an urban myth for working divers, but it's a good read.

So, enjoy the "Fwd". For the sake of this blog, I have edited it. If you wish to view it in it's entirety, give me your email. I'd be happy to "Fwd" it to you!

Subject : I love my job
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103..2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this : We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn . I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with Five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing =20in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up &g t; your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!! Pass this on to all your friends, just incase they're having a bad day!!!

The Boys In My Life.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:43:00 +0000

My world is made a lot better by my best friend Cricket and the boys in our lives. Here they are, in no particular order:

This is Zebedee Minky Star.

The late, great Hello Newman.

Nigel Nancyboy a la Warhol.

Griffin, the first dog that I ever loved.

Just Words.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 10:16:00 +0000

If I gave you life, I wonder
If I could close the door
That living link that binds us
Perhaps for Eternity
Dismissed

If I gave you life, I wonder
If you would take it from me
And kiss the cold statue
Instead of me
Dismissed

Worlds burn
A small token of my being

Tic Tac.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 08:24:00 +0000

Tic Tac: A very refreshing moment.

Like A Duck.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 06:08:00 +0000

I am calm on the surface whilst paddling like mad below the waters.

I can write with a bit of humour, which is a massive improvement. I dance on the cusp of despair, with the brink of tears in my throat welling. Avoiding what I can, I remain on the fulcrum. I could tilt any way.

My New Avatar.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 05:04:00 +0000

So here I am in the real world. This is from a photo shoot that took place for the show that I'm in. We used my fantabulous Nikon to take pictures of the people we would be portraying. Noreen took this of me, wearing a Hill Tribe hat.

Cricket likes the "saintly" uplifted eyes. I think I was looking up to stretch my chins out!

This is my new photo, as I just started the Animal Behavior College. I started a blog, to record my experience. Don't go there yet. It is just a wisp of an idea. I may just write it all here, because I'm layzee!

EDIT: Well, I changed my avatar yet again, to a sketch that I did.

Being Sued.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 03:40:00 +0000

Back in February of 2006, I had a little accident. Recently released from a psych ward, I shouldn't have been driving. (Cricket and I now have a policy in effect). That said, I recall that day with a clarity that some ascribe to 9/11.

I was driving my Explorer. The brake pedal had no rubber pad on it. I was wearing Red Wing boots. Stopped behind a beater car at a red light, on a slight slope, my foot slipped off the pedal and I rolled into the back of the car in front.

Of course I got out to check that everyone was okay. The driver and passenger freaked out. They went on about how much money they'd sunk into the car. Clearly they'd failed to take care of their sagging interior roof material and the yellow primer used on cars of a certain era that flashed.

The police came and my truck was towed: My license had expired the month before, on my birthday. A year later, a handsome man was on my stoop as I walked home. He served me the papers, which claimed that I'd ignored weather conditions (cold and clear), drove recklessly (y'know, at a stop light), that I ruined his health, back, neck and another page of charges.

We were supposed to go to arbitration last year, but the "victim" had to go into rehab. For his Heroin addiction. In fact, he was driving with his friend to the Methadone clinic when I tapped him. He will likely win some money from this suit. Arbitration is a process where lawyers in the biz of suits weigh the case.

I don't think that I should express my true feelings about this situation. That would be indulgent.

Svasti Spreads Compassion.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 01:13:00 +0000

My friend Svasti is a force to be reckoned with. She is traveling a difficult path to wellness, yet she reaches out to others in need. She had commented about the amount of people in our tribe who are seriously struggling, after one of my recent posts. Imagine my surprise, when I went to her site and saw this post:

Thinking of You....

In it she lists many people who are in a bad mental space. I'm one of those people she has included and I am grateful for her generous and thoughtful spirit. The idea behind her post is that we stop by the blogs to offer our support. So please go to her site to participate.

We can make the Web our safety net.

A Bit Of Hope.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 06:14:00 +0000

Talking with Cricket, we faced my future. I have been walking her dog Griffin, as she's on a movie right now. In the dog park, I talked with a man who knows about service dogs for the blind. Apparently, they are short of people to foster them before they go into training. Another Bush deal.

He told me that one fosters the beastie for eighteen months and if the dog fails out, you can keep him. I was catching Cricket up with the dog park/Griffin news when I told her what Jack said. Cricket came right out and said I'd be doing that within the year! Hot poop on a Pringle! That my life would be about animals, not house-painting. That is so beyond my scope of joy right now. It seems like that would be Nirvana.

Okay, Nirvana with dog owners, abandonment, cruelty and shelters. But, Hell, Bells 'n' Smells, I am on the receiving end of an amazing gift. My best friend Cricket. She has been there for me when my family was not. She has supported me in every way: Emotionally, physically and financially.

My goal right now is to keep my brains together. In the long term? I'll be dancing with wolves.

Helpful Hint: Sardines.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:54:00 +0000

Okay, this may sound strange, but bear with me. You should keep a can of Sardines in your car/messenger bag/Gucci hand-bag. First, they are very good for you, with lots of stuff that people who care about food are saying is just plain good for you. Also, this is a good fish to buy, as it is small and breeds a lot. This seems to be important.

The best thing about a can of Sardines, is how you can apply it.

A) Great for attracting stray or roaming animals.

B) Great for a Power Snack.

C) Great for slicing into bits, to place behind the hub-caps of the bastard in your life.

D) Great bastard repellent. Eat one fish and that SOB will back off like you are on fire.

The main problem with Sardines, is we have yet to figure out how to send them over the phone-lines to telemarketers. Ideas, anyone?

The Grand-daughter Of A Slave.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:29:00 +0000

Today I went back to Miss Carol's house. I'm painting it for a nominal fee. She is African-American with, she told me, Native American and White blood. She was upstairs watching the programme, as I listened to NPR. When I heard that the ceremony was running past time, but that Bush was no longer President, I cheered.

Miss Carol came flying down the stairs, all sixty-seven years of her, when Obama was sworn in. She was giggling, laughing, fighting tears and so overwhelmed. I was so happy, I grabbed her and hugged her. We were both aware of this incredible moment, both proud, amazed, nervous and so very hopeful.

Miss Carol couldn't shut up. She stayed with me as I sweated and rolled out her walls. She talked so much, we missed the speeches. She wore me down, to be honest. I'm having a bit of a tough time. But you know what? I wouldn't trade it. Seeing that lady turn into a young girl full of hope was the greatest gift.

Telemarketer Solutions.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 06:09:00 +0000

I know, I've been a bit behind in my new series of helpful hints and solutions. So I just wanted to give you a lovely idea that helped me handle those pesky telemarketers. I don't have any trouble with them, as I have no "real life". However, my best friend Cricket is inundated with 'em.

Now, I know that there are "Do not call" numbers that you can ring to fight these tedious folk, but that is not so much fun. For example, I picked up Cricket's phone at the shore, to the lovely call from a stranger wanting to sell. Now, I hate to leave a good opportunity to lie. So I did.

I explained that I wasn't the home owner, didn't know them and in fact, I'd just broken in to this empty house. I waited, but none of the local police force came. Shame. I love a man in a uniform.

Next unsolicited call you get, look at it as a chance to let your imagination free. These people need to know that their calls are valued, for the great improv ground that they supply. Let me know how it goes.

Stepping.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:06:00 +0000

I just got done holding a 12-Step meeting in prison. Thank you all so much for your kind support, compassion and understanding. (D.M., you have my special gratitude). Cricket has been incredible, as well as Lori from Oasis. No, silly, not the "Gentleman's Club" Oasis! The Oasis Arts Center that put together the portrait project.

Stepping back from the abyss, I tread softly. I don't want the edge to crumble beneath me.

Killer Mood.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 02:24:00 +0000

Everything I touch is poisoned. I am a walking trauma. I fail at every turn. I hurt more than I help. I fail others as I am failing. My world is a black hole that I want you to avoid. Save yourself: Cut me loose.

The Show That I'm In.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 02:59:00 +0000

American Sign Language (ASL) Signs The Songs.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 04:09:00 +0000

I'm cheating. I'm posting videos I like, as my internal system has crashed. You may hate the music, which is OK. You can turn the sound down. This is being voice-overed in ASL. See how powerful the words are. Feel them.

MARILYN MANSON:

KANYE WEST ET AL.

Putting The "Me" Back In Mental.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 02:14:00 +0000

You may have noticed that I've been a tad tiresome of late. I have been struggling with an ongoing low, which I really didn't want to face or own up to. It has secretly alarmed me, injured me and fecked with my mind. In particular, my humour, something I rely on heavily.

On Tuesday I told my p-doc that I failed to see the point of continuing medication, as I end up feeling this way. Typical of my depressions, I cannot recall being happy or content. He reminded me that I have felt better and that we'd wanted to see me stable for a while before I start to come off the meds.

To that end, he has prescribed a dopamine medication, as the Ritalin worked so well back when. As it is not usually a p-med, the fecking insurance refused to pay for the $160 it took to fill the script. I am so sick of the way I feel, that after I walked Griffin, I called CVS back and said I'd pay for it.

Which right now means that Cricket will pay for it. She has shelled out the money to pay for me to go back to school, and more stuff than my pee-brain can handle right now. Yet she is insisting I make sure I am well myself, first, before paying her back.

I hate myself right now. I wish I were done. I am too exhausted and overwhelmed. I would leave this mortal coil, were it just me. This sea of crashing depression is cold, harsh, relentless, with rip-tides and strong currents. Even if I find a life-raft, it will be a short respite before I am tossed into the sucking, dark waters of despair again. How can I continue and why?

For now I have to live. I have no option. My mess is something I would not wish on anyone. I have cats that I have chosen to care for. I have an incalculable debt to Cricket, which has nothing to do with money. In short, for now I am living for her and my beasties, because I cannot bear to live for myself.

I'll try and write, but please understand if I am not answering emails, comments and calls. Thank you.

Yesterday, Milk. Today, Ricin.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 03:27:00 +0000

Cricket and I went to see "Milk" about the murdered politician, gay activist Harvey Milk. It was extraordinary in scope, delivery and power. Today, I find out some disturbing news. The gay community of Seattle has been threated by some twisted little bigot, and in no small measure.

CNN reports that bars in the Capitol Hill section have been sent hate-mail. In it, the writer claims to have a potent poison, Ricin, which will be given to patrons who frequent gay bars. In a move that would have made Milk proud, the community showed up in droves to the targeted bars.

Wish I were closer to Seattle. I may be straight and sober, but I hate this cowardly crap. I'd have been out with my fellow proud beings. (I'm mad and I'm proud, others are gay and they're proud)! I'd be the girl in the silly hat, sucking down a soda, being the big ole fag-hag that I am!

PS. Don't give me grief about "fag-hag", please. If you are angry, use it to fight the anonymous wankers out there, pulling stupid stunts like this.

To Live In America, My Childhood Dream.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 06:48:00 +0000

When I was in an English boarding school, I found out that our family was moving to the States. We had an American girl at the school. She was California tan, with honey blond hair and a trunk rumoured to contain nothing but blue jeans.

I was excited to move, but frightened because this was a dangerous country. There were wildfires, earthquakes, tornadoes, floods and god knows what else to dodge! Happily, I knew what fun America was going to be, due to the weekly show I watched: