Just in time for Memorial Day Weekend.

If the humidity doesn’t kill you, this will.

When you hit the beach this summer, be sure to pack your Igloo Cooler full of muffin tops and burnt toast, because Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil is back with a vengeance.

Apparently, when she’s not (…allegedly…) dragging her young daughter into New Jersey tanning booths, drinking herself into a face plant at random D List events around the Tri-State Area or milking the World’s Longest 15 Minutes Evah…Tan Mom found the time to polish up on her SPF Diddy rap skills.

I know, right?  Who knew?

It’s the official Tan Mom Music Video.

So bad that it’s…well, it’s just that bad.

Done on a green screen budget of about $27 and change, the video is everything that you could ask for from the woman who refuses to stay out of the damaging rays of the hot sun…or our collective consciousness…for more than one day.

Clearly, Patricia is better at baby oil spritzing than she is at sit ups and lip synching, since the whole musical extravaganza is basically 3 minutes of your life that you will never get back again.

Not to mention a sun parched tongue from your mouth hanging open in disbelief the entire time.  She even mentions something about her goodies getting brown.

Yeah.  That happens.

So moisturize, and enjoy.

At least that way, when you burn your retinas within the first 20 seconds, your skin will still be baby soft for the upcoming beach season.

And one last word of warning:

Don’t go in the water, or watch this, until at least a half hour after you’ve eaten.

It’s Tan Mom, Bitch.

This is the deal. Next time we either get the couches back, or Mama’s bringing her padded Steelers bleacher cushion.

Seriously. If this blonde chick says ‘Motor Boat’ one more time…it’s on.

I was promised that Paige’s number would be cut and replaced with my Gangnam Style.

 I hate my life.

Let’s see who’s crying after I slap a bitch. Let’s go!

So, should I wake her up or just keep going until the next commercial break?

Oh. Hell. No. I didn’t bust out a new hair bow just to find out there’s no ice cream.

Second verse…same as the first.

Except maybe crazier.

It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion this week, packed with even more of what we’ve come to love.

More competition, more yelling, more accusations…and more Moms.

The Original Recipe Moms.  The Hot New Mom.  The Former Mom.

Even one unsuspecting senior citizen Mom from Ohio in a complete fog, minding her own business in the audience, who somehow got caught in Abby Lee Miller‘s crossfire.

It was literally a Momapalooza.

Taking a nod from the Real Housewives franchise, my boy Jeff Collins had everyone stick around for a second week of talking smack in their fancy clothes, which pretty much always guarantees high drama as the day wears on and the stiletto feet start to hurt.

You know they always save the good stuff for the last show.

So everyone was back for more, just like on Bravo TV.  Except that when the cameras go back to Andy Cohen in some glittery Las Vegas hotel for Round Two, all the Housewives are still sitting there on the couches, uncomfortably glaring at each other or licking their front teeth like pageant girls.

For some reason on Dance Moms though, they felt the need to scoot everyone backstage and reintroduce them to the same audience again.  Like we’d never seen them before.  Granted, the whole process probably only took 45 seconds total, but that’s 45 seconds that someone could have been throwing shade.

Time is money, people.  And I bought snacks specifically for this evening.

Abby was first out on stage, just like last week, accompanied by a quick montage of some of this season’s New Mama Drama starring Kristie with a K and Jackie Lucia.

Oh, Kristie.  I may have mentioned once or twice over the last few weeks how much I love me some Kristie.

Seriously.  Love.

Every time the cashier at my grocery store holds up the line by checking her text messages under the counter I always wonder how Mama JLo would handle the situation.  Then my eyes get real big, I reach over the credit card scanner, hand her my coupons and slap the bitch into yesterday.

Let’s go!  Get off your phone.  Ring up my bag of Ruffles BBQ.  And then let’s go.

Jeff asked Abby to compare the New Moms to the Original Recipe Moms, and we got an ear full.  New Moms: Respectful.  Old Moms: Not so much.

Keeping with the same theme, he moved on to Sophia vs. Maddie and Asia vs. Mackenzie.

If you watch the show, you didn’t really need Abby to break down the differences between all the kids.  You could probably figure that one out by yourself.

One point Abby did make was that tiny SassyPants Asia probably didn’t know who Bob Fosse was, which apparently must come up in playground discussions a lot more than it did when I was in second grade.

If you’re 7 years old and can do the whole Single Ladies dance better than Beyoncé, who really cares who Bob Fosse is?  That’s what Google is for, mmmkay?

Then some random Soccer Mom in the audience inappropriately asked Abby if the Original Recipe Moms were jealous of Kristie’s awesome sauce hotness and the whole thing kind of collapsed into a discussion about skinny waistlines and boobs that could make a grown man cry.

Which was Kristie’s cue to come out on stage.

By the way, from now on I have decided to enter every room the same way Kristie does.

Like a hot a** Diva Bitch.

Arms opened wide.  Hugs.  Air kisses.  I have arrived.

I’ll pass on the Chair Guy bumbling behind me again, as well as the full length white gown.  Don’t get me wrong.  Looked faboo on her.  I just don’t have the height.

And now that you mention it, she did kind of look like Cher doing an opening number from the old Sonny & Cher Show, with that whole long hair and gown thing going on.

But she also kind of looked like a runaway bride from some Telemundo telenovela.  So I wasn’t really sure if she was going to sing Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves or throw a champagne glass against the wall and slap a housekeeper.

Love.  Her.

And then it was all about the crying scandal that rocked the ALDC:  Asiagate.

Again.

Did she cry?  When did she cry?  Did Mom try to hide her in the bathroom?  Why is a 7 year old acting like such a…I don’t know…a 7 year old?

Get Jill out here.  And Christi.  And a video montage of Kendall crying.  And then make Kendall do a solo dance in front of everyone right after the video.

Yeah…that happened.

After a few audience members blacked out from epileptic seizures (…seriously…did you see those strobe lights during Kendall’s solo?  A little warning would have been nice…) it was nothing but tears.

Side note.  During Kendall’s solo I finally figured out what that odd Mardi Gras studio reminds me of with all its beads and Senior Play lighting.

Star Trek.  Or Lost in Space.  Or any of those old, low budget sci-fi shows before there were CGI effects.  I swear Kendall was dancing in the same room where Captain Kirk kissed a Vulcan princess while he was trippin’ on space juice.

Tell me I’m not wrong.

After the solo, it was probably a good 90 minutes of arguing about whether or not Asia was born with working tear ducts, why Kendall cried every week regardless of whether she was yelled at or not, why Jill cared so much about Asia’s emotional state, why we were all still having this discussion in the first place and why they’re not all saving those tears for their pillows anyway, like it says in the damn contract.

Abby interjected something about how only kids with no food should be allowed to cry and then Jill said Asia was a Hot Mess in every group number.

Secretly, even though I totally heart Jill, I wanted JLo to pound a Bump-It back into her skull just for good TV.  But violence isn’t the answer, kids.

Or at least not when you’re wearing couture.

Before it went completely Christi on Kristie, we were treated to a video montage of squeaky little Sophia’s short Dance Moms tenure.  And then her solo, entitled SuperStar.

Which they had to spell out in the lyrics, since apparently the show should also be a learning experience given the fact that kids are at home watching TV instead of doing their homework on a Tuesday night.

Honestly, I didn’t realize how many times the songs spell out their own titles until later in the show when Mackadoodle performed her own dance and they had to sound out the word ‘Lemonade’ for me.

Go back and check your DVR this season.  It’s true.  The More You Know.

Melissa and Jackie Lucia joined the crowd after sending JLo back to the Green Room (…Boo…!) where they gave Jeff a lesson in the difference between Spins and Turns.

Yes.  It’s true that Sophia can reverse the clock and go back in time like Superman did just by spinning herself into thin air.  Which is a pretty big deal if you ask me.  But Mom didn’t want her to be remembered as simply the dancing Tasmanian Devil.  And she certainly didn’t want Sophia remembered for being part of the Fight Club known as the ALDC.  They are both way too soft spoken for any of that dramz.

So as you’ll recall, Jackie had pulled Sophia out of Pittsburgh before they had even finished unpacking, and that had resulted in some long term tension between the Moms.

Given that Jackie didn’t want to be around all the negativity, and that realistically it would have been almost impossible to take either of them seriously during an argument when they both sound like characters from a Disney holiday cartoon, it was best for everyone that they just move on and check Pittsburgh off their Bucket List.

Thanks for playing.  Love your hair.

One more side note.  Abby shouldn’t sit on those high chairs with one foot on her stool and one foot on Melissa’s.  She just shouldn’t.  Unless she’s giving a motivational speech to a football team going into the last quarter of the Super Bowl, of course.

Otherwise, just don’t do that again, please.

Eventually, Abby headed out back and Kelly and Holly joined the girls on stage .  The Old and the New.  And the Uncomfortable.

Holly felt that it was insulting for Jackie to diss the ALDC.  Jackie asked why they even stay at the studio if it’s nothing but throw downs and breakdowns.  Christi wanted to know where Jackie and JLo were three years ago and Kelly wanted to go on record as saying she did NOT show the Lucias the front door.

Jill phutzed with her 47 bracelets a lot.  Ssssh.  Stop that.

Finally, the newbies were sent to the Green Room to babysit Vivi-Anne as all the originals filled the stage.

Even Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

Let the games begin, please.

When questioned, Cathy stated that she would maybe, possibly, potentially, might consider taking Chloe on as a student at the Candy Apples Dance Center.

Maybe.  Not an offer.  Just saying.

She would also only choose Holly or Melissa to watch her kid during a national emergency, since the rest of them are all unreliable loose cannons.  Which I guess implied that JLo and Jackie were out back poking Vivi-Anne with a stick or something.

Another Soccer Mom asked Cathy which Downton Abbey characters remind her of herself and Abby, since apparently Cathy must tweet about the show.

I’ve never actually seen the program, so I have to assume it must conflict with some Reality trash on my viewing schedule.  But Cathy compared Abby to some car on the show, and since the only two TV cars I know are the talking one from Knight Rider and Herbie the Love Bug (…back before Lindsay Lohan got all coked up…) I had no idea what was going on.

Luckily Abby came to my rescue by changing the subject and calling Cathy’s Mom her “Poor Pathetic Mother.”

Oh, snap.  Did you just diss my Mom?

Shut up.  And Mom was right there in the audience.  Girlfriend perked up like they had just called her number at Bingo.

They even gave Vivi-Anne’s Grandma some Honey Boo Boo subtitles as she called Abby a disgrace and pointed in the air like she was picking out deli meat.

Best part?  The little girl next to her was all like totally OMG I love this show.  Her little friends are gonna be totz jealz tomorrow.  Totz.

And then it was nothing but screaming, yelling and accusations that Abby now suffered from PTSD as a result of being beaten by Cathy’s handbag.

She struck me.  Dramatic pause.

Kelly had time to sneak in a few more zingers regarding Anthony Burrell calling out Paige‘s floppy legs in front of an entire auditorium at the last competition and how hurtful it had been.  Regardless of whether Abby had set up her daughter in front of the crowd, or if Anthony was just being Tony the Tool, the whole scene horrified Paige to the point where she had refused to perform her solo during the Reunion Show.

Abby was quick to point out that you don’t getter better sitting on your butt, and then Kelly got a little twisted.

By the time Abby told Cathy that her pathetic mother was nothing to her, and that Cathy was nothing to her, and that Cathy is something that should be shoved dow the toilet with a plunger, Jeff was pretty much breaking out in some serious lip sweat and nervous pee.

And then he did what I do whenever I’m in a tense situation and can’t figure out what to do next:  I panic.

Hey, everyone!  Let’s dance!

And the Award for Most Awkward Transition of 2013 goes to Mr. Jeff Collins.  Come on up and get your trophy, dude.

With two minutes to go, all the kids ran out and performed the famous Rosa Parks group number in a last ditch attempt at breaking the tension.

And maybe it worked for some viewers.  For me, it just made me wonder why they hadn’t been using elastic chin straps all along.

I know, right?

Hats were flinging off and flying off and falling off at every performance this year, and now that we’re done with the season you decide to invest in rubber bands?

Somebody needs a JLo slap.

And then it was over.

But only for a few weeks.  And then they’re back.

So we’ll see you then for more hilarity.

And Grandma…what do you think of my Dance Moms recaps?

Busted.

I know.  I’m recycling.

But just a little.

This is an oldie but a goodie that I posted way back when.  And now it’s back.

And just in time.  Because it’s Mother’s Day…and this is HIGHsterical.

It’s also my website, so even if you hadn’t asked I probably would have snuck this in one more time.  Recycling is good for the environment…and the funny bone.

Sunday, May 12 is Mom’s special day, and nobody captures your Mother better than John Roberts.  Dude is the Master of the Brooklyn Mom.

Don’t lie.  If this isn’t your Mother, then it’s your friend’s Mother.

Or you.

So call your Mother.

Or your friend’s Mother.

Do it now.

Even with the kids in the car.

Seriously.  After all these years, I still can’t stand it.

I would have called you sooner, but you know I don’t get cell service inside that damn karaoke bar.

That’s it. I’m outta here. Nobody talks to me like that while there’s a full table of snacks out back. Mama needs a nosh.

If I wasn’t wearing my Spanks right now I’d be all up in that chick’s grill.

I have no idea where the exits are located. I’m literally trapped in here with these crazy hens. Realz.

And then I went like this, and used my psychic maternal healing power to cure Mackenzie’s f***d up toe.

Bitch. Please.

And then they bring in this hot new Mom with giant earrings and boobs out to here. So not fair.

And here we go again, folks.

Grab a cocktail, or two or ten, and settle in for another Dance Moms Reunion.

The Real Housewives of Pittsburgh were back this week to rehash the latest round of studio stress and dancing dramz, in what was either a season ending get together, a mid-season filler, or simply an excuse to put on fancy dress up clothes and get out of doing housework again.

Your guess is as good as mine.

As you can tell, I’m not really clear on how they work this whole scheduling thing out since the show is already advertising next month’s June Premiere.  (Set your DVRs and plug in the blender.)  So it’s not like they’re getting a full Summer hiatus like CSI and then coming back, months from now, with a two page spread in that special edition of TV Guide.

Like I’ve said before, it’s probably more like a month off from filming just to wash out some leotards and detox all the alcohol out of their system before the next round of competition.  You need to be on your game when it’s time for Nationals.

Regardless, they were back.  And back in that odd little basement studio with the bad lighting and Mardi Gras beads.

I know, right?  I don’t get it, either.

With all the money that Dance Moms and Jane Seymour movies bring in for Lifetime, I still can’t figure out what they’re all doing down there.  It’s almost like some youtube wannabe had booked that studio for the day, but finished early and offered up the same set to the Dance Moms people since it was already paid for through midnight.

And remember last time, at the Fall Reunion (…as opposed to whatever this one is called…) when they classed it up and all sat in those Andy Cohen knock-off couches like the New Jersey ladies?  Granted, instead of Bellagio chandeliers they had a lot of HomeGoods knick knacks cluttering up the joint.  But it was still a couch.

I dunno.  Maybe the Spring version goes in the basement, and the real end of the season one gets a couch.  If I don’t even understand the difference between technical and artistic scores, I can’t be expected to figure out the intricacies of studio rental fees.

Anyway.

As always, my boy Jeff Collins was back to host and squirm and change subjects on a dime.  He cracks me up.  But in a good way.  We’re tight, you know.

Just by the look on his face, it’s pretty clear that way back on that historic day when he first dreamed up the whole Dance Moms concept (…while listening to some Broadway musical soundtrack on one of those radios that you can take in the shower, no doubt…) Jeff never thought that years later, he’d actually have to be the one sitting in a dark, windowless room with all these crazies.

Watch him, and then tell me he doesn’t look like the commander of some submarine who can’t open the escape hatch in an emergency.

Love me those Dance Moms.

For you technical types who are into this kind of thing, I should also note that this year the production people have been busting out that two camera confessional shot a lot.

You know the one.  The one where sometimes the person is looking right into the camera and yakking, and then sometimes they are shot slightly from the side looking off into space.

Which I guess works for MasterCard commercials and The Real World when trashy chicks get totally wasted, but on Dance Moms it tends to look like they don’t know which camera has the flashing red light.

Just saying.

Abby Lee Miller was first on the scene, of course, and played a little word association with Mr. Collins to loosen everybody up before the good stuff.

After dissing Melissa a bit, they called her out from the Green Room, which seemed to catch one of the crew members completely off guard and sent him racing onto the set with her booster seat.  On camera.  Get off Facebook and pay attention, dude.  We only have the studio until midnight.

Melissa talked about her wedding.  The Wedding.  Which was secret, and then wasn’t, and then happened so fast that none of the other Moms even showed up for the event.

Melissa admitted to trying to get the nuptials televised, but her previously married, then still married while dating, then divorced and now newlywed-ed (…did I just make up a new word?…) Greg Gisoni didn’t want cameras at the blessed event.

So William and Kate got all the Royal coverage, while Melissa and Greg just signed some papers in the living room, took a few iPhone movies and called it a day.

As much as I love me some Jeff Collins, his transitional questioning still leaves a little to be desired.

Moving On.  Anyway.  Changing Gears.  He’s like that kid in junior high that starts talking about his World of Warcraft character’s wicked awesome weaponry arsenal for no reason at all while you’re in the middle of discussing how your BFF just texted your boyfriend while you were at cheer practice.

Pump the brakes, man.  Don’t slam ‘em or somebody might get hurt.

All of the sudden he cuts off Melissa and asks Abby about the time that Holly called her a Monstrosity of Evil.  Which was classic, I’ll give him that one.  Classic.  But Melissa wasn’t done raving about her kids.

After announcing on national television that Holly had cankles, Abby and Jeff welcomed Nia‘s Mom (…and her allegedly fat shoe toppers…) to the studio audience.

Once again, Holly showed amazing posture and her Proud Mama Face.  In three seasons I don’t think I’ve ever seen that woman slouch in her seat.  Unfortunately, she barely had time to discuss Nia’s RND symptoms before you could hear Kelly and Christi scratching at the back door.

Let’s get this party started.

Apparently, Kelly and Christi still had some outstanding issues regarding the breakdown of their friendship earlier in the season.  Or they were having a 6th grade cafeteria fight over who stole who’s Justin Bieber glitter stickers .  It was hard to tell.

You didn’t call me.  Na Huh…yes I did.  No you didn’t.  I called you three times.  Melissa said out by the monkey bars that you called from her house, which is a lie.  No way, I did call.  Ask her.  Melissa says you always make s*** up.  Yeah, well Melissa is a big poopie head.

Keep in mind that their entire falling out this season was based on Chloe not being able to keep a Bob Fosse hat on her head.  Or something.  I forget.  But being blessed with a massive Pez Head myself, I feel your pain, sistah.

Then all of the sudden while Christi was blowing off steam, Abby walked off the set like she had left her baby in the car.

That’s it.  She’s done.  Outie.

Someone say Snacks in the Green Room?  Thanks for playing.

Before Kelly and Christi went face down in the sandbox, Jeff dripped a little flop sweat and called for Jill, who proudly sashayed out completely Bump-It-Free and no longer sounding like some Cougar waiting for the pool boy to show up with his massive…ummm…pool swabbing stick.

Bow Chick A Vertes.

As long as Jill swears to never Gangnam Style again, we’re good.

Jeff ground his gears again and asked Kendall‘s Mom about all those secret private lessons and her water balloon fight with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

I’m starting to think those two women don’t along very well.

Then it was a Momapalooza as all the Dance Moms lined up their high chairs and started talking over each other.

We relived the Tribute Dance for dead puppy Broadway Baby, the lack of formal invitations to Melissa’s wedding and Mackenzie’s on again/off again mystery foot ailment.

Melissa actually choked on it for a second and admitted that she regretted using a dead dog in her master plan to regain First Place positioning on the Mom Pyramid, and then danced around the whole foot thing again.

Jill stood up for Mackawhacka’s seniority when it came to dancing on The View, even with a hot mess of a toe, while Christi insisted that the whole thing was still a set up to prevent the little nugget from having to go head to head against Miss SassyPants Asia the week prior.

Trust me, I would back my car right up over my own foot before I’d twerk a booty pop against that tiny firecracker.  Monet Ray?  Oh Hey.

And then Jeff asked “Who wants to talk about Cathy?”

Well, yeah…duh…I raised my hand, but I’m not sure he could really see me.  That might only work on Romper Room through the magic mirror.

(Look it up, kids.  It’s a hilarious reference for us old timers.)

And then with a puff of smoke, Chaos Cathy burst up through the Yellow Brick Road to terrorize all the dancing Munchkins.

Cathy immediately started waving her award-winning jerky in everyone’s face, claiming that Abby was jealous of the Candy Apples.  Abby countered with some whacked out story about pent up water pressure accidentally forcing the cap off her Poland Springs bottle during the infamous backstage Slip ‘N Slide throw down.

Seriously.  She did.

Sorry, but unless that 16 oz piece of plastic was attached to a working city fire hydrant, I’m gonna have to give this round to Cathy.  Nice try, though.

Then it was a discussion about choreographer Anthony Burrell calling out Paige from the audience during her group dance performance last week, which crumbled into an argument on what dance teachers can and can not say under the legal guidelines for “critiquing.”

The short version was that you can publicly make fun of a kid, but not call their Mom a Bitch unless you really want to go there.

According to Abby, somehow during the water fight, Cathy’s tiny little purse had managed to find its way to the back of Abby’s head, causing immediate bruising, emotional duress and something that probably sounded like Julia Child tenderizing a juicy slab of raw beef.  And there were photos to prove it.

Yeah.  Melissa drew the short straw and had to snap a few shots of Abby’s bare, battered (…bare battered, not beer battered…) back, which I’m totally Googling after I’m done writing this.

Can you even imagine?

I should also point out that throughout the Reunion Show there were random questions from audience members, who I’m going to assume had either won a contest or drawn a lucky number out of one of those hats that kept falling off the kids’ heads all season.

I don’t how that worked either.  But that shizzle is totally going on Instagram, you know that.  Because they were darn excited to be in the basement in the presence of such dancing awesomeness.  Except for a few Dads who appeared to have either lost a bet or needed to be there in exchange for who knows what kind of future favors.

Jeff also tossed in some dance numbers whenever he needed a drink to sooth his nervously dry mouth.

The last routine was a group number.  Complete with Miss SassyPants herself…Asia!

So you know what that meant, right?  Do the math.  That meant that her Mom JLo was somewhere in the building.

Boom!  Kristie with a K was in the hizzle!

I could just feel it already.  And it gave me life.

Because.  We.  Love.  Her.

But then it was over.  Until next week, anyway.

Part Two.

When this happens, mmmkay?:

Let’s Go, Bitches.

Only TLC and the head cashier at the Kuntry Stoe know for certain.

It was Cinco de Mayo meets Cartoon Network meets that aisle in Walmart that stocks all the camouflage hunting gear and canned deer urine as Mama June Shannon and her front yard Santa Sugar Bear tied the knot today.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo just taped an episode for the upcoming new season that might give even Luke and Laura a run for their matrimonial money.

I mean, really.  Who needs Elizabeth Taylor when you’ve got Uncle Poodle and a three thumbed baby in your wedding party?

I know I can’t be the only one getting secretly antsy waiting for the return of Toddlers & Tiaras reigning breakout star on July 17.  Man can not live on sketti and cheeseballs alone.  It just can’t be done.

I need me some Boo.

But until Alana, Pumpkin, Chubbs, Chickadee and Kaitlyn Elizabeth all mud bog back onto our television screens, we’ll have to settle for the official photos from today’s Redneckulous nuptials.

Everyone is being a little vague on whether this was the real 4-wheelin’ deal or not, and whether they are officially hooked as they say down at the Bait Shop.

But c’mon…does it really matter?  It’s Honey Boo Boo Child.

And it looks like the Coupon Queen just tied the knot with her Skoal Pinchin’ Prince.

In that dress.

It is what it is, people.

I’ll chug to that.