Dareland

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michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Sour Grapes Obituary: How Karl Malden ruined my life

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:27:00 +0000

by Michael Dare

It's completely personal. Between me and him. Karl Malden fucked up my life, he really did. No matter how much I dig his talent - and I certainly do, he's a Strasberg acting God, and I studied with Strasberg in New York in 1970 where he was treated as such, so I know - Malden is still the premiere putz in my professional life. Or was. He's dead now. Great. Now I get to be pissed off at a dead man.

I know you're sick of celebrity obituaries in this horrible week of death and chaos, but this one's different. At this point I've got to pin you to the wall like a drunk in a Hollywood bar, slurring my speech, hot breath in your face, "You don't understand, no matter how good he was in Baby Doll, I'm glad he's dead, that bastard..."

Luckily, I'm not that drunk. Here's what happened 20 years ago.

The 80s was my decade as film critic for the L.A. Weekly. While trashing their films in print, I met most of Hollywood, and I considered it my duty to photograph and distort it all. In a storage locker in Desert Hot Springs there are thousands of ridiculous SX-70 Polaroid portraits of the famous, the insane, and the dead. They've never been published and rarely been seen by anyone except the subjects themselves - who usually expressed either glee or abject horror. Due to copyright law, or maybe just good old fashioned good taste, I've had an incredibly hard time getting my work shown in public.

In 1989 a horrible mistake was made and I was voted in as a member of the Los Angeles Film Critic's Association. Meetings in the incredible homes of other film critics was truly inspiring. I was in a profession that could lead to the good life. One day, just for fun, I brought a book of my Polaroids to a meeting where it was eventually passed to Doug Edwards, who turned out to be the curator of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the ones who give the Oscars. I had no idea. He asked me if I'd like to have a show in their lobby. Holy shit. The Academy lobby leads to the Samuel Goldwyn Screening room, which is used almost every night for preview screenings and premieres of major films. It's a perfect location to be seen by all of Hollywood. Total legitimacy at last. You bet I said yes.

We picked 250 images for a mammoth show. Fifty would be blown up to poster size, the rest displayed in eight groupings of 25 original Polaroids. My opening date was Sept. 18, 1989. I met with their PR firm and they drew up a press release.

The Polaroid Corporation agreed to sponsor the opening night party, and we expected the press to show up to photograph celebrities standing in front of their portraits. Entertainment Tonight, here I come. My career was made. The anti-Annie Liebowitz.

Then the Academy voted in a new president, Karl Malden, who took one look at my pictures, cancelled the press release, and said "Wait a minute. Do we have releases from all of these people?"

Of course I didn't. I was a film critic for a local paper. The subjects of the show were public figures whose pictures I was literally invited to take at press conferences. I've been assured by the constitution of the United States that nobody needs permission to display a public figure's image on their wall. Nevertheless, Malden decided that my pictures were weird and that some people might not like them. He declared that no pictures would be shown without signed releases from the subjects.

Okee doke. No problem. That week, the Academy sent out black-and-white Xerox copies of my pictures to all of the subjects themselves, along with a letter asking for permission to display the picture in their lobby. The Xeroxes were atrocious so I knew this was a bad idea, but I couldn't stop it.

Some of my subjects know my work. I was sure that Emilio Estevez would say yes because one of my photos was once spied on his refrigerator. But I was concerned about people like Ted Turner or Hugh Hefner or Menachem Golan. To them, I would have been just another schmuck paparazzi who took their picture one day and disappeared into the crowd. What would they think when they opened their mail to find ugly Xeroxes of their faces distorted into hideous mutants, along with a letter asking permission for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to make an enormous blow-up of the monstrosity to display in a popular public place where all their friends went?

66 people said yes, 22 said no, and 72 didn't respond. A lot of the answers surprised me. Hefner said yes! Golan & Turner both said no. Steve Martin and Whoopi Goldberg said yes.

Robin Williams said no, even though he's handsome and not distorted at all in the picture.

Don Siegel said yes, Clint Eastwood said no, and they were both in the same shot! (Not this one.)

But what did it matter who said no. My reaction was "Great, let's go. 66 pictures is plenty for a show." When's the last time you saw a gallery show with 66 goddam photographs. More than enough. Doug Edwards agreed and the blowups were actually ordered, but then the word came down from Malden. The whole thing was cancelled. 66 yeses somehow confirmed in his mind that the show must not go on. It was a question of whether the glass was half empty or half full, though 22 noes is only a third of the yeses. He was worried about the people who didn't respond. (Huh? Maybe they wouldn't like the ugly pictures of other people who gave their permission?) Also, some of the negatives were big negatives. Harry Dean Stanton not only said no, he threatened to sue the Academy if they displayed my picture of him. (On what possible grounds? Malicious surreal facial reconstruction of a celebrity in an artwork?) Here's the shot.

Come and get me, Harry!

In any case, Doug and I got the runaround. The Academy was enthusiastic about the show, they looked forward to doing it, some time, maybe the next spring, unless they got that new air conditioning system, which would mean the lobby might be torn up, so they might do the show in another location, or possibly later in the year.

Doug had a suggestion. "Let's just wait for the Academy to vote in a new president," he said.

Two years later, it happened, Malden was out on his ass, and Doug re-submitted the show to the new president, Robert Rehme, and he assured me it was a shoe-in, asking me to call the following week.

The very next Monday, I opened the Los Angeles Times and was stunned to read Doug Edward's obituary. He had died of AIDS. I didn't even know he was sick.

The Academy was in turmoil. Nobody knew who would replace him or where my portfolio was, and so I waited. On March 10, 1993, four years after the whole process got started, I got my portfolio back from the Academy along with the following letter.

Dear Mr. Dare,

I recognize your frustration in losing the chance for an exhibition of your work, but I've discussed the situation with Bob Rehme and Ric Robertson and we really don't see a place here for your show. The problem isn't just the anticipated emphasis on in-house-generated exhibitions in the near future. Call us Philistines, but the hard fact is that no one here but Doug had ever been able to generate much enthusiasm for your photos as a subject for the Academy's lobby. With Doug gone, you've lost your only real advocate. However disappointing this news is, I'm hoping you'll find a straightforward assessment of the situation more useful that one that might encourage sure-to-be disappointed hopes. I hope you'll find another venue.

Sincerely,

Bruce Davis, Executive director

I could blame Bruce Davis or Bob Rehme or the Los Angeles Times for delivering the bad news. Harry Dean Stanton, you got some splaining to do. Hell, I could even blame AIDS. Stupid fucking disease that ruined my career. But I tend to blame Karl Malden because everything was fine till HE butted in his potato proboscis. Even though Harry Dean Stanton's reply proved he was right in starting the vetting process, that's no excuse for cancelling the whole show. You just drop the offending photo.

Somewhere in the Academy archives there are 66 signed releases from major celebrities giving the Academy, and ONLY the Academy, permission to display my pictures in public. Yeah, that's right. I can't even use them to get a publishing deal. Nobody else will ever be able to compile such a list. You got Baryshnikov's address?

It's not often you can point your finger at an individual who deliberately called your career as a celebrity dickwad to a grinding halt. Maybe that's a stupid thing to aspire to, but I can't help imagining the photos I'd be cranking out now if things had gone another way. Maybe I wouldn't have gained all this weight. It's Karl Malden's fault!

Sorry Karl. Yeah, you were in On the Waterfront, and you and your method pals got me to New York for a whole series of adventures, but now when Marlon Brando says "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am," it's got a whole other meaning. It's me talking to you.

Hitler finds out Michael Jackson has died

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:27:00 +0000

Second-hand smoke is good for you

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:19:00 +0000

When you drink tequila at a bar, you don't get those around you drunk, but when you smoke pot indoors you DO get those around you high with second-hand smoke. The argument against smoking cigarettes in public is that you're spreading cancer. Inarguably bad for you. Having woken up stoned out of my mind simply because someone smoked pot in my bedroom while I was asleep, I'd argue that getting someone high when they don't want to be, like spiking the punch with LSD, is a rude and potentially dangerous thing to do. However, now that we know marijuana smoke not only doesn't cause cancer but may actually prevent and cure it, the argument could also be made that public tobacco smoking must be accompanied by equal amounts of pot smoking - just to counter the cancer effect.

To understand the insane disconnect between science and policy concerning marijuana, just check out these two articles. See if you can figure out which one contains actual science (hint, it's boring).

Marijuana Smoking Does Not Cause Lung Cancer, UCLA Expert Dr. Tashkin Concludes Protective Effect "Not Unreasonable"

Marijuana smoking -"even heavy long-term use"- does not cause cancer of the lung, upper airways, or esophagus, Dr. Donald Tashkin reported at this year's meeting of the International Cannabinoid Research Society...

Stephen Sidney examined the files of 64,000 Kaiser patients and found that marijuana users didn't develop lung cancer at a higher rate or die earlier than non-users. Of five smaller studies on the question, only two -involving a total of about 300 patients- concluded that marijuana smoking causes lung cancer. Tashkin decided to settle the question by conducting a large, population-based, case-controlled study."Our major hypothesis," he told the ICRS, "was that heavy, long-term use of marijuana will increase the risk of lung and upper-airways cancers."

The Los Angeles County Cancer Surveillance program provided Tashkin's team with the names of 1,209 L.A. residents aged 59 or younger with cancer (611 lung, 403 oral/pharyngeal, 90 laryngeal, 108 esophageal). Interviewers collected extensive lifetime histories of marijuana, tobacco, alcohol and other drug use, and data on diet, occupational exposures, family history of cancer, and various "socio-demographic factors." Exposure to marijuana was measured in joint years (joints per day x years that number smoked)...

There was time for only one question, said the moderator, and San Francisco oncologist Donald Abrams, M.D., was already at the microphone: "You don't see any positive correlation, but in at least one category, it almost looked like there was a negative correlation, i.e., a protective effect. Could you comment on that?" [Abrams was referring to Tashkin's lung-cancer-only data for marijuana-only smokers in 1-10 j-yrs category.] "Yes," said Tashkin. "The odds ratios are less than one almost consistently, and in one category that relationship was significant, but I think that it would be difficult to extract from these data the conclusion that marijuana is protective against lung cancer. But that is not an unreasonable hypothesis."

http://www.canorml.org/healthfacts/tashkinlungcancer.html

And this one...

State rules marijuana smoke is a carcinogen, may require dispensaries to post warnings

Joints and baggies sold at California's medical marijuana dispensaries will soon carry a new warning label. Next to tags like "Purple Haze" and "White Widow" will be the advisory: Contents may cause cancer when smoked.

On Friday, California added marijuana smoke to its official list of known carcinogens, joining the ranks of arsenic, asbestos and DDT. Pot brownies, lollipops and other non-inhalables are not affected by the new ruling.

Scientists found the pungent smoke shares many of the same harmful properties as tobacco smoke, warranting its inclusion on the Proposition 65 warning list. The law requires the state to publish a list of chemicals known to cause cancer or reproductive toxicity, and businesses and government agencies must post warnings when they use such chemicals or sell products containing them.

"Marijuana smoke is a mixture of different chemicals, and a number of those were already on the Prop. 65 list," said Allan Hirsch, chief deputy director of the state Office of Environmental Health Hazard Assessment, which made the designation.

http://www.mercurynews.com/centralcoast/ci_12654249?nclick_check=1

Okay, that last one was boring too, but it was also absolutely insane. Ignoring the science showing pot may prevent cancer, they declare it a carcinogen because it "shares many of the same harmful properties as tobacco smoke." That doesn't prove anything. Here's how their logic works. You can make orange juice from oranges. Oranges are a fruit. Apples are also a fruit, therefore you can make orange juice out of apples.

Just because two things share properties doesn't make them equal, otherwise Battlefield Earth and Pulp Fiction would be equally bad for you just because John Travolta's in both of them.

It can be hard to grasp things that are counterintuitive, the earth going around the sun despite the intuitive fact that the sun obviously goes around the earth. It's got to be explained in a rational manner before anyone will abandon their instincts.

It's just common sense that smoke isn't good for your lungs. People die of smoke inhalation all the time. When people die in fires, it's often the smoke that kills them, so it's perfectly rational to presume that the smoke of anything, whether trees or leaves or an occasional book, won't be doing your lungs any good. Smoke anything rolled in paper and you're smoking a bleached and pulverized tree with the tobacco or pot. Throw a book burning and you'll rapidly discover that the smoke you create from Shakespeare is just as toxic as the smoke from Hitler, at least as far as your lungs are concerned.

It's perfectly rational to presume if the smoke of one plant causes cancer, the smoke of all plants causes cancer. It's just not logical. There's a perfect kind of smoke that's actually good for you. That's counterintuitive. It's also true.

Krassner vs. King

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:42:00 +0000

Web Site Story

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:30:00 +0000

See more funny videos and Technology Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Does Obama read Michael Dare on bartcop.com?

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 17:03:00 +0000

What Michael Dare said yesterday:

The military budget doesn't need to be cut, it just needs to be spend differently. For the cost of let's say one aircraft carrier, we could have a massive airdrop, not of bombs, but of free iPhones and mini laptops and wifi for every citizen of Iran, and what the hell, North Korea.

Invite them to experience the freedom of the internet. Win their souls and minds. Make the foreign governments look pretty bad when they complain about a massive giveaway that every citizen will applaud.
Michael Dare

the next day at motherjones.com

Excerpt:
One reporter asked if the White House was considering beaming broadband capability into Iran via satellite so the opposition forces would be able to communicate with themselves and the outside world. Gibbs said he didn't know such a thing was possible. (Is it?) But he said he would check on the technological feasibility and get back with an answer.

That caused some head-scratching in the press room. If the United States could do that and was planning on doing so, wouldn't this be one of those intelligence matters that Gibbs won't discuss? But maybe some telecom entrepreneur or Silicon Valley whiz-kids can make this happen. The Google guys? The Twitter people? XM Radio? This is the sort of covert action that could be worth outsourcing—with the project manager taking full credit. Think of the endorsement possibilities: the Iranian Revolution...Brought to You by DIRECTV.

http://www.bartcop.com/

Michael Jackson's Lament redux

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:01:00 +0000

From Disinfotainment Today Issue #156, June 13, 2005

Michael Jackson's Lament

They can play in his park unafraid
Michael is not trying to get laid
And if they should chance to spend the night
He'll respect their innocent delight

He can write a tune that's nice and lilty
You can never prove that he is guilty
He can make a plausible rebuttal
All he ever wants to do is cuddle

He has made a promise you can trust
The jury gave a verdict that was just
He will have to wait till they are men
He won't sleep with little boys again

Michael swoons
with a bunch of hairy ass baboons
Michael shouts
Underneath his worries and his doubts
Michael laughs
with an ocelot and two giraffes
Michael hurls
at the thought of touching little girls

When he goes to court he always wins
He won't go to jail for his sins
In his brain there is a major glitch
He won't be another convict's bitch

When it comes to ten o'clock or more
Michael's gonna moon walk out the door
One hand clapping will be Michael's Zen
He won't sleep with little boys again

http://dareland.blogspot

What I did this past weekend

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 04:29:00 +0000

I marched in Seattle's Fremont Solstice Parade with the Hempfest dragon.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
That's the Super Sonic Soul Pimps on the float.

That's me in the back.

Astonishing Must See Video: Civilization

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 18:13:00 +0000

Civilization by Marco Brambilla from CRUSH on Vimeo.

Above: "Civilization," a video installation by artist/director Marco Brambilla for the elevators in the Standard Hotel in NYC.

It's comprised of over 400 video clips and it takes elevator passengers on a trip from hell to heaven as they go up or from heaven to hell as they go down. Pictures of the installation and Q&A with Brambilla and Crush are posted here.

(Thanks, Richard Metzger!)

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/06/19/video-civilization.html

Slumdog Price is Right

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:34:00 +0000

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

You're in a clothing store when this happens

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 19:43:00 +0000

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

My contributions to Open Government Dialogue

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 17:01:00 +0000

Michael Dare

Edit

Michael Dare

Member since : May-30-2009 (Verified)

10 Ideas, 10 Comments, 27 Votes

Ideas Posted

Looks Promising!

I'm Not So Sure...

Free "Happy Birthday"

Michael Dare 2 days ago

We, the public, wish to extend our Domain, called the Public Domain. Every extension of copyright is at the expense of the Public Domain. Corporations will extend copyright forever if we, the Public, let them trample on our Domain.

When "Happy Birthday" is sung in a film, should Mildred and Patty Hill get credit? Absolutely, they wrote it in 1893. Should AOL Time Warner reel in $2 million a year licensing the song more than a century after it was written? (http://www.snopes.com/music/songs/birthday.asp) I don't think so. Let people post birthday parties to YouTube without the threat of a lawsuit from a mighty media corporation.

AOL Time Warner, as a public service, we ask you to voluntarily release the song "Happy Birthday" into the Public Domain.

Comments (0)Making Data More Accessible, copyright, song licensing, corporate control

Looks Promising!

-57

I'm Not So Sure...

Demand Abraham Lincoln's birth certificate

Michael Dare 8 days ago

Nobody has ever seen it so he wasn't really president, the south has retroactively won the Civil War and Barack Obama is rightly a slave who should be working in a cotton farm in Virginia.

Comments (5)Records Management

Looks Promising!

-121

I'm Not So Sure...

Change the birth certificate requirement

Michael Dare 8 days ago

Change the law so that there is no birth certificate requirement for public office. We live in a global community and the requirement is archaic and useless. Let Obama be president wherever he was born.

Comments (1)Legal & Policy Challenges

Michael Dare 8 days ago

Please stop posting "new" ideas concerning Obama's birth certificate. The idea has already been posted. Once is enough for such a trivial matter. Please stop wasting everybody's time with your partisan lunacy.

Comments (24)Making Data More Accessible

Looks Promising!

-39

I'm Not So Sure...

Treat Palestinians like American Indians

Michael Dare 10 days ago

Let the Palestinians make a deal with the Mafia to build casinos in the Gaza Strip. Make it like Atlantic City. Generate income. Let the world see a few millionaire Palestinians. Give them hope, not to mention free booze and prostitutes.

Comments (0)New Strategies and Techniques

Looks Promising!

I'm Not So Sure...

Make the House of Representatives represent EVERYBODY

Michael Dare 10 days ago

Leave the Senate the way it is, but make the House of Representatives truly representative by getting rid of democracy in elections. We're not really a democracy anyway, remember? "I pledge allegiance to the REPUBLIC of the United States of America." I assume you know the difference, right? Allow me to quote...

"Suppose the majority wants to take away your home, business, or your children. Obviously, there's a problem! The flaw in democracy is that if you allow majority rule, then everybody's rights are up-for-grabs. All you have to do is get more than 1/2 of the people to want something, on any given day, and you no longer have any rights. It's sometimes called 'the tyranny of a majority.'

"The fundamental difference between a democracy and a republic is that if someone or a group of people came up to you and said that they were going to take away your home or business or children, you'd probably stand up and say, 'No, you can't do that! I have my rights protected by the Constitution of the United States of America.' And if you said that, you'd be describing a republic."

- Civics in Seconds -

There! See? The constitution supersedes democracy in order to protect us from mob mentality. Which means elections don't have to be Democratic/winner take all. They can work a whole other way.

Right now, if the candidate you vote for doesn't win the election, you end up without representation. How about a system with no winners or losers. Whoever you vote for becomes your representative. Period. Everybody gets representation. Representatives who represent the most people wield the most power.

Comments (6)New Strategies and Techniques

Outlaw ALL political contributions

Michael Dare 10 days ago

Every campaign finance reform bill that has ever existed has done nothing more than limit the amount of the bribes that public officials are legally allowed to accept. It's got to stop. Make it illegal for anyone to contribute anything to a political candidate, period. Also make it illegal for political candidates to use their own money for their campaign. All political campaigns will be paid for entirely by the government, with each candidate receiving the exact same amount. Freed from the burden of fundraising, politicians can actually focus on doing their jobs.

Comments (7)New Strategies and Techniques

Looks Promising!

-32

I'm Not So Sure...

Change the National Anthem

Michael Dare 10 days ago

The Star Spangled Banner is the worst song I've ever heard. Our national anthem should be Woody Guthrie's This Land is Your Land.

Comments (7)Uncategorized

Looks Promising!

I'm Not So Sure...

Sell insurance by the gallon instead of by the year.

Michael Dare 10 days ago

Add an insurance tax to the price of gasoline and drivers will never have to deal with the DMV or car insurance companies again. Split the cost of the tax between the consumers and the providers. Everybody who drives will be automatically insured and registered. Those who drive the most will pay the most, and if you want to save money on your insurance, all you have to do is drive less. There would be NO MORE uninsured drivers. Period. Everyone who buys gas is automatically insured. No more monthly payments of hundreds of dollars. All it takes to be completely insured for the road is the price of a gallon of gas. No more arresting people for driving without insurance. The very fact you're driving means you bought gas which means you're insured. Police can focus on other things. Create a single monopoly out of the DMV and all the major insurance companies in which every single transaction is taken care of at the pump. Make the tax 100% earmarked to the bureaucracy that deals with payment of claims, which are all no-fault.

Comments (3)New Strategies and Techniques

Looks Promising!

I'm Not So Sure...

Let Congress vote from locations other than Congress

Michael Dare 10 days ago

It's completely absurd that congressmen and senators have to physically be in the building to vote on measures. We've got the internet and laptops. Why on earth did Ted Kennedy have to get out of his hospital bed and go to Congress in a wheelchair to vote on a measure when he could just as easily done it from home. If they don't have to actually be there, there can be NO MORE EXCUSES FOR NOT VOTING. Make it MANDATORY to vote on EVERY MEASURE, and make it so they can't vote until they've actually heard both sides of the issue.

Comments (8)New Strategies and Techniques

http://opengov.ideascale.com/akira/pmd/9033-4049

Betty Bowers Explains Traditional Marriage to Everyone Else

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 18:16:00 +0000

Jesse Ventura Presents... American Politics

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:01:00 +0000

God Damned Humorless Teenagers Make Me Furious!

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:07:00 +0000

by Donald Mills

The problem with young people today is that they spontaneously burst into flames.

When I was a lad, we weren't allowed to combust spontaneously. We needed a permission slip from our parents before we could set ourselves ablaze. If I had ever turned into a fireball without my old dad's consent he would have snuffed me out with a fireman's axe and scattered my ashes to the wind.

And then he would have travelled back in time, assassinated Archduke Ferdinand and invented the Frisbee.

But these young people today. They burst into flame all over the place without any concern for public decency or safety. It's a big joke to them. They're only happy when melting flesh is sliding off their bones and their intestines are being cooked into farmers' sausage.

It's disrespectful and unnatural, damn it. They walk down the street with their higher than normal body temperatures, asbestos underpants and glowing red eyes and think that they are better than older people.

They knock us over, take our wallets, give us wedgies and then burst into flames before you can smack them with your cane.

If this keeps up it won't be long before flaming teenagers are ruling this planet and have enslaved us all. Our fiery overlords will demolish our churches, eat seal pups and ban renewable energy. Old folks will be forced to work in anthracite mines and take part in dramatic re-enactments of the Hannah Montana television program.

And when that day comes, we'll all be well and truly sorry.

http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/

Mumbo Jumbo Comics

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:10:00 +0000

Auto-Tune the News 2

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Wed, 20 May 2009 16:04:00 +0000

And today's TRL most requested song is...

"Conflict in the Middle East," by MSNBC.

See more funny videos and Music Videos at Today's Big Thing.

WTF, Olbermann Kills the Acronym

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Sun, 17 May 2009 19:20:00 +0000

OMG (Oh My God), Keith Olbermann now has a segment in his MSNBC (MicroSoft National Broadcasting Company) show called WTF (What the Fuck), which might be funny if he just said WTF, but he doesn't, he has to be cute about it and say "What the...", forcing you to fill in the missing word, being naughty with the network at the expense of the joke, which is only funny if he just says "WTF!" as forcefully as only Keith Olbermann would bother.

Sadly, this marks the death of WTF as an underground phenomenon. No one can use it anymore without sounding like a blowhard.

OMG, what will we get to replace it? OMGWTF (Oh My God What the Fuck) is nice. One organization formerly known as OMFG (Oh My Fucking God), is pushing for HFS (Holy Fucking Shit), though there's a splinter group of CA (Complete Assholes) who insist HMFS (Holy Mother Fucking Shit) is the way to go.

"WABOP (What A Bunch Of Pussies) has a ring to it," said spokespussy Carl Breakdown. "It's got sexist overtones that are subtly piquant."

"We still think HMFS should replace WTF," declared HMFS spokeswoman Ida Clair.

"Hold it right there," said the hooker in my lap, "I think it should be DYETILYDSLTTMA (Don't You Ever Think I Let You Do Sumpin Like That To Me Again)" before vanishing in a WOS (Wisp Of Smoke).

"KATNW (Knees Are The New Waist) is really going to catch on because it speaks to the young people who do all the buying and stuff," said Oprah Pinquity, who believes that pants have dropped so far below kid's butts that the knees are the next logical place. "Of course if they had the courage of their conviction, they'd do it in briefs, not just boxers, and we can all TG4T (Thank God for That), or for atheists, TTFSM4T (Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for That)."

Cartman, the lead spokesdrawing for SMB (Suck My Balls), declined to comment on the whole issue, other than WAYSSOJ (What Are You, Some Sort Of Jew?).

Members of TRUCE (The Retroactively United Citizens of Earth) can't seem to get their shit together at all. What do members of TRUCE do? Embrace each other randomly in public places while setting aside old grievances. "Peace? Impossible. A truce!", says trucemeister Lenny Truce. "And it's got to be retroactive or it doesn't work," someone said. "We've all got to pretend like none of this has ever happened and just get along with each other except for the CSOBWSML (Cocksucking Son Of a Bitch Who Stole My Lighter) who is going to get what is coming to him."

WITS (What Is This Shit?) was the clear winner in an online pole that hasn't been taken yet, or so says Spock in the new Star Trek.

Off to you, my acronymeses.

Running Martin Luther King through the Kanye West Machine

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Fri, 15 May 2009 22:10:00 +0000

See more funny videos and Music Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Necro-Marketing Ploy of the Week

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Sat, 09 May 2009 18:20:00 +0000

The ghost of Johnny Cash visited this guy in his dreams and helped him write a song called "Johnny Cash is Dead and his House Burned Down."

Yes.

That is indeed what this site claims.

Apparently the Cash estate is okay with this.

Which means variations of the following conversation must actually be taking place.

"If you don't object to our claim that your dead client wrote this song, we'll give you half the publishing."

"Okie dokie."

Expect new works from Elvis Presley and Jimi Hendrix.

Coming soon?

A joke I wrote with Rodney Dangerfield.

http://www.johnnycashisdeadandhishouseburneddown.com/

I changed my mind. THIS is the best music video ever made.

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Fri, 08 May 2009 19:18:00 +0000

Michael Dare's Adventures with Power Goo

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Tue, 05 May 2009 02:40:00 +0000

Michael Dare's Adventures with Power Goo from Michael Dare on Vimeo.

Swine gets human flu

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Mon, 04 May 2009 16:52:00 +0000

Herman Swine of Cincinnati got the flu this week...Mr. Swine (a golfer) will soon return to the links with his wife Patty, once he's feeling up to par!

Herman Swine of Cincinnati got the flu this week but he's better now, according to Dr. Anasaurus Rex, who is seeing a lot of this. "It was just the flu," he reiterated.

Herman Swine of Soo-eee Falls got the flu this week...Mr. Swine (a former police officer) will soon return to the family farm, Swill Hill Acres, once he's feeling in the pink!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NetWits/

The Best Five Edits in Film History

michael@dareland.com (Michael Dare) — Sat, 02 May 2009 20:58:00 +0000

Every film editor will tell you that if they did their job right, you won't notice. This is generally true except for one thing, the virtuoso edit, the edit you're SUPPOSED to notice, the edit that actually says something by simply cutting from one shot to another. Here are five of my favorites. I welcome your thoughts on further additions to The Best Edits in Film History.

2001: A Space Odyssey

This edit leaps ~~centuries~~ millenia and is justly famous as the best single edit ever.

Apocalypse Now

This cut from attacking helicopters to a peaceful village says it all about the war in Vietnam.

Women in Love

This cut from dead bodies at the bottom of a lake to a couple making love is profoundly sad.

Memento

In one quick shot, we find out the hero is actually a man in a mental institution who is imagining the whole movie as an escape from the fact he accidentally killed his own wife. Pretty crazy.

The Deer Hunter

After boring us to tears for more than an hour, there's finally a cut to something actually happening. Unfortunately, it's the living hell of Vietnam.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Disinfotainment