With the creation of the “American system” aka the Imperial system aka the United States customary system, the world was given a brand new way of doing everything wrong. Below is a summary of the system’s greatest features:

• CONSISTENCY FAIL: The relation between units is completely nonsensical (Why is 12 inches a foot? Why not 13? Why 3 feet in a yard? Who the hell picked these numbers?)
• MULTIPLICITY FAIL: It’s impossible to denote orders of magnitude increases in the same unit (There is no such thing as a kilofoot)
• TERMINOLOGY FAIL: The unit names are absurd, and include fan favorites such as:
  • Furlongs
  • Chains
  • Leagues
  • Rods

Rods. Rods. Seriously? I got in touch with the original creator of the American Imperial unit system, and had a conversation with him about what some of these units actually mean:

ME:	So…what the hell is a rod?
FOGHORN:	A rod is a unit of measure.
ME:	How big is a rod?
FOGHORN:	A rod is exactly 1 rod in length.
ME:	Okay… How long is 1 rod in length?
FOGHORN:	Oh. Simple: 25 links.
ME:	You mean like sausage links? It’s the length of 25 sausages?
FOGHORN:	No, no. Links. The unit of measure.
ME:	I’m hungry now. What was I saying?
FOGHORN:	A link is a unit of measure.
ME:	Oh, right. So how long is a link?
FOGHORN:	A link is exactly 33/50 fractions of a foot.
ME:	…Why?
FOGHORN:	Why not?
ME:	You know what I’m going to ask next.
FOGHORN:	I assume you want to know the length of a foot.
ME:	You’re quite bright for someone who invented something so retarded.
FOGHORN:	…Anyway, a foot is the length of a foot. You know what a foot is.
ME:	Right, but whose foot?
FOGHORN:	A good old fashioned red-blooded American’s foot, of course!
ME:	So… you invented a system that uses a human foot, even though you are a giant chicken? Isn’t that depressing?
FOGHORN:	Well I wanted to use my own foot but I am about eight times the size of a normal chicken, and I didn’t want people to use normal chicken feet sizes by mistake. So, to avoid confusion, I used human feet.
ME:	…
FOGHORN:	By the way, if you’re still hungry, I actually do have some sausage links.
ME:	No thanks, I don’t eat pork.
ME:	Don’t you feel weird eating a pig, though? I mean, the pig pen is like right next to yours in the farm.
FOGHORN:	I am an oversized cartoon chicken, why do you assume anything I do makes sense?
ME:	Touchè.

NOTE: Just to be clear, all of the measurements used above are accurate. 1 rod = 25 links = 33/50 foot. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

Now, while this doesn’t happen very often, this is one instance where a video will actually get my message across even better than my own sparkling tirades. Check out this wonderful example of the American “system” at work:

Seriously though, when I say the US is alone in this, I mean it. The map below indicates which countries don’t use the metric system:

As you can see, the red countries are communists. Need I say more?

…Well I’m going to, anyway. It’s not just about the metric system. Let’s not forget the wonderful Fahrenheit system. The other temperature systems chose their scale based on logical points of significance, like the freezing point of water. Fahrenheit chose a completely arbitrary point in the temperature scale to base the system off of. Want to know how? There were actually three references points which led to his scale. Here’s my favorite:

“The third point, 96 degrees, was the level of the liquid in the thermometer when held in the mouth or under the armpit of his wife.”

Holy shit dude, it’s hot outside. Like really hot. Hell, it’s almost Mrs. Fahrenheit’s armpit degrees outside!

Watching video on a phone makes me feel like a palm reader in training

Yes, there are occasions where it’s convenient to watch a YouTube clip of a cat doing stupid shit on your phone so that you can show your friends on the train home. Of course, this is simply to wet their appetite for the real epic cat video watching session, which will happen on a much more appropriately sized screen.

Even so, the fact is, you should be watching things on a large screen. That is why large screens were made. No one wants to watch a 2 hour movie on a 3 inch screen. No one. So why is there so much effort and emphasis toward video capabilities in the phone? This is just another example of lack of focus. The truth is, cell phone manufacturers love to implement new functionality which falls into the bucket of glittery unicorn features, whose sole purpose is to distract from the utter failure of modern day cell phones to do what they were designed to do: successfully make calls.

There is no such thing as 3G

I’m not sure where in this world a 3G network actually exists that delivers 3G speeds (which might justify emphasis on technologies like streaming video), but it certainly isn’t on this continent. Instead, the most popular apps are ones that are based solely on sending a maximum of ten words to the internet in hopes for some meaningful response. This is actually a very popular trend, mainly because every other person is also unable to get any videos to load and thus resorts to the only reliable form of communication today: text messages.

Cell phone carriers charging for text messages is like McDonalds charging a toll for the freaking drive-through

The fact is, carriers like AT&T will provide customers with unlimited data for $20 / month, yet charge them $0.10 for each text message. I cannot stress how convoluted, absurd, and downright satanic this is. I don’t know why there aren’t class-action lawsuits against text messages. The cost to transfer a single message is so miniscule, the fact that they even measure it is just plain ridiculous. To give you a sense of the numbers, I’ve constructed this handy diagram below. It compares typical text message usage to typical data plan usage. Of course, in order for a slither of a bar to even appear on the graph, I have added a couple of measures for more trigger-happy texters.

I’d like to point out that if you were to get charged for your data plan usage at the same rate as text messages, you’d be paying a whopping $10,000/month. I guess we should be thankful?

A phone that only talks to other phones is essentially a racist

If I am sitting in my living room, and I want to change the channel, and I have my phone in my pocket, I should be able to take out my phone and change the channel. It should be that simple. You can buy a freaking universal remote to accomplish this task, and yet the microprocessors inside today’s phones cannot accomplish the same feat.

I want to be able to control the lights in my room with my phone. I want to control the volume on my speaker system. I want to play music on my phone and have it play on my speaker system. I want to view pictures on my phone and then have them show up on my TV. All wirelessly.

Yes, I understand there are complexities in getting such things to work. But I feel like if you want to make a “single device for all your needs” actually serve your needs, it needs to stop trying to emulate personal computers and televisions (which were kind of designed to do things like watch video), and instead innovate on being a control system for more specialized devices. The phone should be a communication device not just between people, but between devices themselves.

What pisses me off the post is that phones cannot even manage to send and receive calls without problems. Dropped calls, shitty phone quality, weak bars, these are just part of the normal phone experience. Despite this, all the innovation goes toward stupid shit like making everything a goddamn touch screen.

I long for the day when I wake up and my phone sounds its alarms on my speakers, turns on the weather channel on my TV, turns the heating off, and flashes a message on its screen telling me how many minutes I have left until the next bus comes. And no, I am not asking for too much. It’s two thousand freaking ten.

Yes, peanuts. This one upsets my soul. First of all, any company that cannot afford to give people free peanuts should probably not be authorized to maintain a fleet of aircraft. Secondly, you will usually have to pay some insane fee like $5 for peanuts on an airplane. Peanuts are supposed to cost peanuts. It’s an expression for a reason.

Once upon a time, I used to actually look forward to flying. It was alluring, filled with the romantic excitement of being thousands of feet above the ground. Back then, everything was complimentary. You would get free snacks, free meals, free headphones, free drinks, free checked bags, and more. Once you stepped into an airplane you were given a level of comfort that you simply didn’t get anywhere else.

Nowadays, flying is an experience everyone dreads. And it’s not just the airplanes. Airports have now become like the entry gates to jail. You get stripped, scanned, interrogated, and humiliated, and even if you somehow get through all that, you’re headed straight into a crowded hell-hole where you will have absolutely no privacy, a bathroom the size of your nightstand, and meal selections which consist of various cardboard-based cuisines.

The TSA is the warden of that jail. They love making up all kinds of dumbasstacular rules to compensate for the fact that they have yet to actually stop anyone who posed a real threat to a flight. Even when that Nigerian stuck some Pop Rocks in his pants and triggered an “explosion”, it was the handiwork of nearby passengers, not the TSA, that stopped him. The TSA has since banned passengers from carrying this new, deadly weapon.

The latest decree from TSA included restrictions which prevents passengers from using the in-flight entertainment system (at all), having items on their lap, or using the bathroom in the final hour of the flight. Also, things like Wi-Fi will no longer be allowed at any time.

PRO TIP: When carrying passengers on flights which may last many hours, it is generally not a good idea to place them under conditions that actually promote suicidal tendencies in normal passengers. In addition, if there ever is a hijacker on the plane, this genius set of rules will ensure that they are bored, hungry, groggy, agitated, dying to pee, and eagerly anticipating the opportunity to karate kick every single thing in sight just so that they stretch their freaking legs out.

I think the biggest indicator of reaching sub-neanderthal levels of intelligence is when even FOX news is making fun of you. Ah, FOX news. Some of you may have noticed that I have yet to rant about them. Honestly, in their case, it would be like picking on the retarded kid. It’s just too damn easy. Frankly, even the excessive length of a dare-to-rant would not be sufficient to cover the plethora of fail ammo they generously provide on a daily basis:

Speaking of retarded, Sarah Palin finally admitted that she is, in fact, mentally challenged and checked into a facility where she will be surrounded by her kind. But wait, it gets better. She recently made an appearance on Leno (insert scathing anti-Leno pro-Coco remark here). While on the show, she stated her reason for joining:

“I think that the mainstream media is quite broken and I think that there needs to be the fairness, the balance in there. That’s why I joined Fox.”

Two words: Irony Explosion.

However, the movie reviews and the box office told a different story. One could almost be convinced that this movie is indeed an epic, after hearing how it has made a billion dollars already.

PRO TIP: Box office performance is indicative of nothing. Typically, one assumes that if a movie tops the box office, it must be at least a decent movie. This theory used to be valid, in the early 1900s. Unfortunately, our population grows exponentially, and there are now enough teenage douchebags with credit cards out there to destroy any statistical value in ticket sale trends.

The fact is, everyone wants to see this movie simply due to the hype. Sadly, I succumbed to this effect as well. Thinking I would give the movie its best chance of being entertaining, I decided to go to the 3D IMAX show, which required booking tickets 3 days in advance. It was a disappointing experience. Here’s why:

3D glasses have not improved since they were invented in 1754

It’s 2010 now. Come on. Are we seriously still wearing these plastic antiques? Here is a summary of my experience, annotated with my mood as it went along:

[NEUTRAL] Put on 3D glasses.
[HAPPY] Realize it is too dark for anyone to see how retarded you look with these idiotic glasses on.
[CONFUSED] Discover giant black gap between the two lenses. Spend 10 minutes in a futile attempt to get your eyes to ignore the black, althewhile staring directly at it.
[ANNOYED] Finally begin to see a full picture, but find that 50% of the screen is blurry.
[HOPEFUL] Convince yourself that your eyes just need some time to adjust, it will get better.

*30 minutes later*

[ANGRY] Still blurry.

*2 hours later*

[ENRAGED] Tylenol Tylenol Tylenol.
[ENRAGED + HOPEFUL] Finally accept the fact that 3D just plain looks like shit, and take off glasses in hopes to just watch the movie normally.
[THOUGHTS OF GENOCIDE] Discover that things are now a different kind of blurry without the glasses.
[HAPPY] Close your eyes.

I’ve watched three movies in 3D by now, and they have all been disappointments. I’m now completely convinced that the 3D format as a whole is an epic failure. I will only be watching movies in regular/sane/meal-friendly mode going forward.

IMAX does not improve the experience with 3D, it magnifies the problem

The quality of picture in 3D is very dependent on the angles being correct. If you sit in the absolute center of the screen near the back, you may get an enjoyable show. Anywhere else will result in blurred vision in at least some portions of the screen. I would literally stare at one person on the screen, and if I turned my head a bit to the left, that person would become blurry.

Of course, it is physically impossible to stare at one portion of an IMAX screen because it is obscenely massive. 3D and IMAX were simply not designed to go together, and any notions that their combination results in a higher level of enjoyment need to be silenced immediately. 3D may be tolerable on its own, but when you double the size of your screen to the IMAX size, you double your epilepsy dosage for the day, along with the price of your ticket.

Sam Worthington should have played a robot.

Did anyone else find the main character’s emotionless-marine personality a bit dry for the storyline? I kept seeing scenarios where Jake was about to die, and I personally did not care one way or the other. I felt no connection with that character at all.

The lead woman did a great job though, I felt sorry for her since she fell in love with a robot (especially since robots destroyed her entire family and half her race). On that note, how did that happen, exactly? The first scene she interacts with him and says he has a good heart. What is that based on? He has shown no heart. It doesn’t take heart to fight dogs that want to eat you. It doesn’t even take intelligence. It’s called instinctual self-defense. Even neanderthals have it.

The circle of life in Pandora is actually a giant arrow pointing up

There are no small animals in Pandora. Everything is a giant pterodactyl or rhino. Did anyone stop to wonder what the hell those animals actually eat? And don’t tell me they are herbivores. All the giant birds were always trying to eat other giant birds, or the humans. Even the giant insect (what’s with all the unrealistically massive insects these days?) wanted to eat the aliens. The only time they stopped their carnivorous tendencies is when the Tree God Lady told them to stop eating and perform their sacred duties of turning into rides.

All in all, the movie itself was not that bad. In fact, I have a feeling if I watched it in a regular theater, it might have even been a great movie. Unfortunately, the 3D and IMAX combination ensured that my mind was too busy silencing thoughts of vomiting to actually pay attention to the movie’s storyline. Luckily, it was predictable as hell, mainly because it was based off of a children’s story:

I will summarize my experience by saying it was like eating a bowl of Campbell’s soup in jail. While normally you might enjoy a potentially tasty soup, the fact is you’re eating it while in jail so it automatically tastes like shit.

Yesterday we (Involver) launched our new music application on Facebook with Alicia Keys’ new album, The Element of Freedom. This is a huge milestone for us and we’re all very proud of it.

There was a lot of work that went into making this app as great as it is, and it’s an amazing feeling seeing the volume of usage.. and seeing it on TV!

You can stream her entire album for the next couple weeks exclusively using our app until the album drops. It’s the only place you can listen to her tracks right now. Check it out on Alicia’s fan page.

[Pessimistic Salman]:  Holy shit, I am so freaking bored. Life is so boring.
[Optimistic Salman]:  Umm… well there’s always TV! Television has many interesting programs and so many channels. I’m sure you’ll find something interesting!
[Pessimistic Salman]:  You said that last time. I don’t believe you.
[Optimistic Salman]:  Oh c’mon, that was 6 months ago. I’m sure at least one thing worth watching is on TV right now.
[Pessimistic Salman]:  Sigh… fine.

*Salman spends 4 minutes flipping through all the channels, including some show about Jon, Kate and their 8 Mistakes*

[Optimistic Salman]:  *shoots himself*
[Pessimistic Salman]:  Told you.

Now, there are actually several contributing factors to the downfall of Television as we know it:

1. There is no such thing as a reality show

Some people say things like “reality television is really popular these days”. I have no idea what that means. There is nothing realistic about any of the shows that claim to fit under the fake umbrella known as “Reality TV”. I now present you with a collection of modifications that I would make to several such shows which would induce more realistic conditions, and thus give them a chance to qualify as “Reality TV”:

• Survivor: A bunch of people are stranded on an island, and everyone dies because they are stranded on an island.
• Big Brother: A bunch of idiots spend their entire lives living together in a house, and everyone dies because they spend all their time in the house, go broke and cannot afford food or water.
• The Real Housewives: The husbands of a group of incredibly annoying housewives all decide to get a divorce after seeing how awesome life is without their incredibly annoying wives. The show is quickly renamed Desperate X-Housewives, and then subsequently sued for copyright infringement.
• Jon and Kate Plus 8: Jon and Kate both die tragic deaths by inserting a cotton tip too far into their heads. They never have any children. (OK, fine, this one is less realistic and more me just dreaming).

In all seriousness though, there are a few examples of excellent Reality TV out there. Discovery channel is one of them. On that note, if you haven’t seen BBC’s documentary entitled Planet Earth, you need to download/rent/buy it immediately. It’s quite possibly one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen on TV.

2. The black hole of character exaggeration

If you think back about a decade, you will reminisce in the glory of what a typical TV week used to be. Shows like Friends, Seinfeld, and The Simpsons used to dominate prime time. The issue today is not a lack of good shows. Rather, it’s a lack of good shows that stay good for longer than 2 seasons. Every time a show demonstrates potential, it proceeds to shoot itself in the face, and begin an immediate campaign for cancellation.

Take Family Guy for example. This show suffered the same fate The Simpsons did. Basically, when a show has no real ongoing storyline, it is just a sequence of random events, which is supposed to keep it interesting. Unfortunately, even random events will get repetitive eventually. As a result, the writers stop writing actual material, and instead excrete endless amounts of what I like to call character exaggeration episodes. That is a fancy and somewhat complementary way of saying that they basically just make every character act like an extreme version of themselves. Peter/Homer no longer is a regular guy with some eccentric characteristics, instead he is just plain demented. Meg is no longer the unpopular geek, she is just a 5-second hate crime scene inserted into every episode.

This effect also plagued Friends in its final seasons. Ross was a never-ending divorce joke, Monica a psycho-cleaner joke, and Phoebe just a plain joke. Once that happens, viewers can’t identify with the characters and it just becomes a puppet show with fake laughter (side note: did you know they still use dead people’s laughs?).

3. Arrested Development was cancelled

No comment. David Cross put it best.

4. Lady Gaga is allowed on Television

She/he/it induces ocular damage on a regular basis. Need I say more?

All in all, these are just a few reasons why TV has lost its appeal. I finally cancelled basic cable the other day, even though my cable internet now costs more without it. I could no longer tolerate the idea that my hard-earned dollars were somehow contributing to a freaking bird’s nest plastered on Lady Gaga’s face.

It’s not always his message that’s the issue, it’s his medium. For example, when there was a Twitter user impersonating him, rather than being mildly flattered and just letting the world know that user is an impostor, he somehow manages to sound more childish than the 8 year old pretending to be him. In fact, his blog post about it is so phenomenally asinine, that it deserves a full analysis on each individual component that led to the creation of such a massive brainfart.

Let’s begin:

“(This spaz comes courtesy of losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts)”

You’re right. Anyone who would impersonate you is, in fact, a loser.

WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I’M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I’M NOT AND I’M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN’T TELL THE WORLD

Oh. Snap. You are too cool for school yo. Laying on a beach and shit. Damn. I wish I was you.

EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF

Wrong. Twitter enforces a 140 character limit, which would mean more shutting the hell up, which is definitely something you need more of.

TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW …. WHY? … BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!

When I become rich and famous, I’m going to buy the Lucky Charms cereal factory and ensure that when you buy a box, the special charms will be razor blades.

Of course, we must remember that Kanye is not just a douchebag, he’s a professional douchebag. He will not limit the scope of his campaign to just the interwebs. He wants to go public. He wants the world to know Darwin was wrong. His latest asstardian demonstration is perhaps the worst of them all.

EDIT: Viacom took down all the YouTube videos of Kanye making a complete ass of himself at the VMA awards. Click here to see it in a news update video (watch from about 0:46).

Now he is actually insulting others while insulting himself. Make no mistake, folks, that is a skill. His ability to cause so much damage to his reputation in such a short period of time is a new feat in moronic efficiency. The expression shooting oneself in the foot comes to mind here. Having shot himself in the foot, a neanderthal will discover that such an action is not something he should do again, and will probably avoid it. Kanye, on the other hand, is a special kind of neanderthal, and simply does not learn. He will just keep on shooting. Luckily for us, the human body will cease to function once it is drained of all blood. If all else fails, there’s always Lucky Charms…

Just to be clear — I do like my Macbook Pro. It’s a good machine, my favourite part about it is the display. The font rendering is just incomparable. Even so, there are a few things which just need to be said.

Appleland is not an impenetrable fortress

Firstly I want to address the increasingly popular belief that the Mac operating system exudes awesomeness, and has thousands of magical pixie-horses constantly patrolling your system to ensure that no bad things can get inside. No. The only reason you do not get attacked from the rear on a daily basis in Mac OSX is because the attackers don’t give a shit about you. If you were a bored child with fireworks, and you had the choice of lighting them inside a mall where you could cause mass chaos, or heading over to the pottery barn where a small collection of hippies is protesting evil technologies like the wristwatch, which would you choose?

At the end of the day most trojans/viruses/exploits are written by bored hackers trying to maximize the damage caused by their efforts — hence they will attack the platform with the most users. I can’t wait till OSX becomes popular enough to garner the attention of hackers. Apple will have to hire a special support team just to respond with “They don’t exist”, when thousands of idiots simultaneously call tech support and claim that their pixie-horses are not working anymore.

My Macbook should not double as a mirror

With the latest line of Macbooks, Apple has decided to go with Gloss as the default display type (versus matte). When you walk into an electronics store and see a bunch of laptops, sometimes you run into one where all you can see on the screen is the gigantic lights reflecting from the ceiling. That is a gloss screen (more here). All previous Macbook Pro’s used to come with matte, and they’ve now change the default to be gloss. The only way you can get matte is to buy the 17inch macbook pro and pay an extra $200 odd to choose the matte option. That is just plain retarded. For someone like Apple who claims to be all about user experience, this is a pretty awful decision to make (not to mention the genius idea to ship 8-bit displays on the new 13-inch macbook pros). I am going to latch onto this Macbook Pro for as long as I can. Of course, Apple has other ideas, which brings me to my next point…

Fruitflies have longer lifespans than my Macbook battery

At our company, no less than 3 Macbook Pro’s have had their battery’s lifespan degrade to nothing in less than two years time. This is completely unacceptable. No other laptop will cease to function so freaking quickly.

My own laptop’s battery life started to dwindle quite drastically of late. It used to last for 3 hours, now i’m lucky if it goes for 45 minutes. I figured since it’s only a year and a couple months old, this is probably a defect of some kind. There’s no way this level of performance can be by design. So, I took the battery into the Apple store and told him my story. I actually expected to walk out with a new battery.

What actually happened? He proceeded to plug into my laptop what could only be described as an ipod nano with a piece of tape stuck on it. Apparently this was some kind of battery tester. He then performed a test on my battery, and a picture came up. This is pretty much what I saw on the screen, combined with his verbal explanations:

He then proceeded to relate to me how, despite the fact that my battery is only a year old, it has gone through 412 cycles. I asked him what defines a cycle. He explained that it means whenever a battery goes from full charge to empty, including partial discharges. So, if it went down to 50, back to 100, then 50 again, back to 100, that is considered a cycle. I explained to him that I plug the laptop in when I get to work, and I plug it in when I get home. I’ve had very normal usage patterns for the past year, and so I don’t understand why my battery is almost dead.

He suggested that, when it came to using my computer, I must have been doing it wrong to get it to 412 cycles, and the battery is actually only supported up to 300 cycles. 300 cycles! First of all, I’m pretty sure any normal user would hit that number in no time. What this means is, if you use your laptop under uncommon conditions like on top of your lap, that is the equivalent of your battery taking up chain-smoking. As a result, most people will kill their batteries within a year or so (which is exactly what happened to my peers).

Granted, Apple has somewhat resolved the matter with their shiny new batteries (5-hour charges and 1500 cycles supported)… but personally, I’d prefer to shell out $120 for a new battery rather than deal with those retarded gloss screens.

I think what really bothered me is how strongly that Apple employee believed in the validity of the bullshit 300-cycle clause. He didn’t even try to recognize my argument about normal usage patterns resulting in abnormally rapid deterioration. Typically, I have little to no expectations of competence when it comes to support. But it has to be noted that the support center at Apple is called a “Genius Bar”. He actually wore a t-shirt that said “Genius” on it.

Einstein is probably rolling in his grave right now, in an effort to reverse the earth’s rotation, go back in time, and patent the word genius just so that Apple can’t use it. At least then when I walk into Apple and head to the Mediocrity Stand I’ll know exactly what I’m in for.

UPDATE: Apparently there are rumors that Apple might bring back matte to the 13-inch and 15-inch macbook pros (thanks Faraz). Maybe there’s hope after all.

Now, in case you ran into a wall and couldn’t get up for a week, this all started when Obama had an interview with CNBC. During the interview, a fly buzzed around him for a while, until it became annoying enough to warrant serious action. He then proceeded to smack the fly with his hand, demonstrating dexterity comparable to Bush’s shoe evasion techniques (then again, no one on earth could compete with Bush’s evasion skills — 8 years doing what he did and evading impeachment? that deserves a Nobel prize).

While reading this article, I almost felt like PETA could be thought of as an annoying fly which serves no purpose except to fly around and remind others of its existence. This proverbial fly is now buzzing around Obama. The hypothetical scenario gives me some hope that Obama might just treat PETA with the same fate. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

No, you say. Who would perform the critical duties that PETA does? Ah, of course. Critical duties. For example, PETA was so offended by Obama’s fly swatting theatrics that they issued a statement against it, and sent him a special “kit” to help him avoid killing flies in the future. See below.

Yes. It’s real. They actually sent something which looks like a swiffer sweeper with a shitty public bathroom paper towel stuck to the end of it to the President of the United States. Stunning.

This device is actually an excellent representative of how absurd PETA as an organization is. When we think of cruelty to animals, we think about KFC chicken tractors, designer shampoo made of animal extracts, and other things which hippies pretend to find offensive. If you were in any way actually concerned about defending animals, you would go after the giant companies that are doing this on a daily basis in gigantic proportions. Instead, this moronic collection of Darwinian Exceptions to Evolution decide to go after the President because he swatted a fly. Kudos. Way to pick your battles, guys.

They could easily put a list together of institutions that kill animals on a regular basis, and target them. However, all that would do is save animals. Where’s the fun in that? At the end of the day it’s all about getting attention. Even so, no one seems to understand the simple concept that all attention is not good attention. While I don’t find their lack of insight surprising, I am left wondering where they found the time for all this. I would have figured they are way too busy spending their time killing all those animals.

The media in particular doesn’t seem to ever give reference or context to the studies they talk about. The term ‘recent study’ has now become a synonym for a fact that is clearly accepted by everyone on the planet and no one should argue with.

In reality, some student somewhere did a study where they found that under certain circumstances, there might be a correlation between A and B. Of course, by the time it reaches the media, eating tacos causes swine flu.

Every time I hear one of this moronic reports I ignore them almost by reflex, because there is a 99% chance there will be another study in 6 months which proves the exact opposite. The whole godamn system is flawed.

The even bigger problem is that people today are used to being told what to do, what to eat, what to watch, what to wear. So much so, that if they start making stupid decisions in life, they start suing anyone they can for not telling them what to do.

Think about it. Just off the top of my head, I can list a bunch of shit that has gone from “Good/harmless” to “MAY CAUSE CANCER/DEATH” without any real basis:

• Eggs
• Yogurt
• Coffee
• Cell phones
• Water. Water, for crying out loud.

I’m sure you can add to that list. The truth is, someone can do research to prove that anything is bad for you. As long as it makes a story, why the hell not?

The worst part about the studies is that people start to freak out. We all know how dangerous it is when stupid people freak out. Just stop for a second and realize that if you’ve been eating eggs everyday for the past 10 years and you are alive, then you read a study about how eggs will kill you, YOU JUST DISPROVED THE STUDY. You are not the Great Exception to science, there is nothing special about you. You have probably eaten enough shit in your life to warrant death via other means, so if eggs had the power to push you over the edge they would have done so already.

What’s the solution? Moderation. Anything in excess is probably going to hurt you, it’s not freaking rocket science. You can still eat the shit you want, just don’t do it too much. Don’t sit on your ass too much. Don’t read into studies too much. Don’t watch FOX news ever.

Let’s take a look at the premise of the film. Morgan Spurlock will eat McDonalds for all three meals in a day, and do this for 30 days straight. Firstly, there is no value in conducting such a stupid experiment, because it is not based on realistic conditions. No one eats 3 McDonalds meals a day for 30 days straight. I’m going to make a documentary where I drink water 55 times a day, almost die, and then tout myself as a hero for saving the world from the deadly threat of water.

During his ‘experiment’, he consistently visits doctors to find out how it is affecting his health. Obviously, his cholesterol, triglycerides and other its-bad-to-be-high measures go way up. For some reason I cannot fathom, he is surprised by this. He then calls his wife to tell her that eating lots of McDonalds is making him sick. She is shocked, and starts freaking out. Once again, this scenario is not realistic. There is no reason why either of them should be shocked. Here’s a more believable series of events: He calls his wife to tell her that he never graduated high school. She is not shocked at all.

Once the experiment is complete, he ends up gaining something like 20 pounds and supposedly doubles his risk of heart disease. Frankly, I don’t find the latter to be that threatening since he was very healthy to begin with (if your initial risk is almost-zero, doubling it means it’s still freaking almost-zero). He then goes on an “antitoxin” diet specified by his Vegan Chef wife and manages to undo the damage in about 3 months time.

…Really? That’s it? For the movie to really be effective, he pretty much needed to almost die. People don’t respond to petty issues like mild depression and weight gain. There just wasn’t enough gore in this movie for his attempted scare tactic to work. While I could sit and list a comprehensive list of all the ways Spurlock fails, I will narrow it down to four:

1. “McDonald’s is Evil. Spreading this movie will help destroy it!”

   WRONG. McDonalds does not give a shit about Morgan Spurlock’s undocumentary. They own eight trillion franchises all over the world, and have already expanded to Mars since we discovered there might be water there. Spurlock mentions in this movie that 2 weeks after releasing the film, McDonald’s got rid of the Super Size option, hinting that his movie was the driving force behind that change.

   BULLSHIT.

   The only reason McDonald’s did that is simple catalogue optimization. They figured that if they just make everything one size bigger by default, that’s one less choice the customer has to make (remember: choices involve thinking, and 40% of Americans are allergic to that). Suddenly, all these people are eating and drinking Large size items thinking that they are eating healthier because they didn’t Super Size. Genius.

2. “The Average Joe will see how much harm eating McDonald’s caused, and mend his ways!”

   WRONG. Here’s what immediately came to my mind after watching this movie: “If eating like that only adds 20 pounds, eating it once a week should do no real harm at all.”

   Do you realize what just happened? Watching this movie actually reinforced my own belief that it’s okay to eat McDonalds. Stunning work.

3. “Some Americans eat McDonald’s for all their meals. Once they see me do it they’ll know it’s time to stop!”

   RIGHT. Just kidding, you’re still wrong. Americans who are stupid enough to eat McDonald’s for every single meal will not learn anything from your movie. They drink 10 gallon sodas 3 times a day and wonder why they have heart disease.

   FACT: This is all part of a well-documented phenomenon known as natural selection. Instead of wasting time and money trying to solve this non-problem, we should devote our resources to trying to save the world from the biggest threat since the plague: a little known syndrome called OMGSFH (OH MY GOD SWINE FLU HELP). This disease has spread rapidly throughout the States and has taken hundreds of lives. It starts by inducing a mental state of panic, at which point individuals begin to run around in circles. Soon, their trajectory intersects with others who have contracted OMGSFH, and they run into each other and fall. Not being able to get up, they eventually starve to death.

4. “Well, at least people are talking about it. That’s good…right?”

   WRONG. People talking about McDonald’s means people thinking about McDonald’s, which inevitably leads to people eating McDonald’s (if you think my logic is flawed, your opinion is wrong). Where does such a metric actually make sense? That’s right, kids — advertising. QED. This entire film is a giant ad for McDonald’s. Congratulations Spurlock, you are officially a more profitable mascot than Ronald McDonald.

I’m off to go get a Big Mac.

Needless to say, it really sucks to see good stores shut down. I mean, there’s always the silver lining to these things (42″ Samsung LCD for $700? PROFIT!!), but in the end it’s at the very least inconvenient because now you have one less store to find things that you probably don’t need.

The other day I was at a Virgin Megastore, a store I only recently discovered. They were having a sale, which was nice, but I soon realized it was a closing down sale. It turns out that all branches of the Virgin Megastore are going to be shut down. This made me somewhat sad, as it is has a large selection and there aren’t that many stores in the city like it.

Anyway, by the time I left the store, I had come to terms with its impending shutdown. Businesses need to be competitive and profitable to warrant their real estate, especially in this city, where an inch of land is worth its width in gold.

Then, I saw it. The store beside Virgin. Big fancy lights. Costly display sets. No sign of going out of business. That must mean it actually makes money, right? Wrong. It was the Ferrari Store.

Am I the only one who finds it incredibly retarded that the freaking Ferrari Store is still open? Seriously, who actually shops there? (You are now imagining the one scenario where it might be appropriate: if you owned a Ferrari. PRO TIP: If you owned a Ferrari, and you shopped at the Ferrari store, the sheer douchebaggery of such a move would eradicate all coolness points earned by owning a Ferrari.)

So what could possibly be worse than running a store which is expected to have an operating loss until Q3-ENDOFTIME? Running many such stores.

Enter Sony, the proverbial sensei of innovating things which don’t make money. In particular, I find the Sony Store to be the worst offender of all.

Have you ever walked into one of those? There is absolutely no reason for any of them to exist. Here’s why:

1. No one ever buys anything there. Ever.
2. There is no evidence that any of the employees are trying to sell you anything. It is a foregone conclusion that their sole purpose is to inform you about Sony products, so you can be a more informed shopper when you go to a real store.
3. You can buy each and every product at another store for much cheaper. Always.
4. At some point, the Sony Store will shut down (or serve as my motivation to become rich, so that I can buy them all and shut them down myself). When this happens, they will have a going out of business sale, and everything will be 50% off. It is important to note that all items in the store will STILL BE MORE EXPENSIVE THAN IN OTHER STORES.

But it doesn’t end there. If it isn’t the Sony Store, it’s catastrophic fails such as the PS3. I don’t even think there is a hardcore PlayStation fan left out there who actually defends that console. Of course, this was expected since you could actually buy a laptop computer for cheaper than a PS3, and none of the good titles actually came out until a year after release. They even managed to lose support from Square, with the Final Fantasy series gone with it (in case you’re not familiar with either of those, that would basically be like Nintendo losing Mario).

Sony has taken a really big hit as far as reputation goes. People don’t look at it the same way. They need to reinvent themselves, and regain appeal with their audience. At the very least, they should shut down the Sony Stores, and maybe donate some of that money to cancer research. Certainly, the books would look better with all those projects marked as “not-for-profit”, as opposed to “not-a-chance-for-profit”.

Why?

We accept things like ambulance, police, and fire truck sirens because they serve a very important purpose (on the odd occasion, however, that purpose may just be getting the driver past that red so he can cash in on the Circuit City out-of-business sale). But what I consider even more important is that they are effective. You hear that siren, you get the hell out of the way. Mission accomplished.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about car alarms. To prove my point, let’s analyze two situations where a car alarm comes into play.

SITUATION 1 – Some idiot touches your car by mistake: He fumbles around like a moron, taken aback by the sudden noise. Embarrassed, he tries to regain his composure by fixing his shirt and maintaining position beside the car, because moving too quickly will only worsen his already cemented title as that douchebag on the street. A few people look at the car to inspect what’s going on, notice that a man is standing beside the car with an alarm going off, assume it’s his, and just keep moving.

SITUATION 2 – Someone is actually stealing your car: He gets the door shimmied open using a hangar, and just as he opens the door the car alarm goes off. A few people look at the car, notice that a man just got into the car, assume it’s his, and just keep moving.

LESSON OF THE DAY: There is no way for people near the car to differentiate between situation 1 and 2. More importantly, no one will look at the car long enough to find out. They are so annoyed by the obnoxious eardrum-raping assault that is your car alarm that they are getting the hell away from your car as quickly as possible.

Think about the sheer volume of noise pollution caused by all the car alarms out there today. Noise in itself is not the worst thing in the world, and can’t always be avoided. Useless noise, on the other hand, is goddamn sacrilege. This general rule applies to speech too, by the way (translation: say less stuff and people might actually tolerate you). The only other justification I can think of for these horrible systems is the goal of alerting the car’s owner. Back to the situation rule.

Imagine yourself sitting in your desk, and suddenly your car alarm goes off. What do you do? Quickly run outside because you recognize the car alarm as yours, defeat the evil car thief and save a baby from a fire on your way back? NO. You hear an annoying car alarm, you don’t even think about the possibility of it being yours because a) they all sound the freaking same and b) what are the chances of that happening to you? You make the obligatory joke with your coworker about the owner of that car being a douche for never turning their alarm off, and then as an exaggerated expression of your anger you threaten to burn down the building. To escape the awkward silence resulting from your threat, you put on your headphones and get back to not doing any work. Alert Fail.

So, now that we have established that the warning system is completely ineffective, as its audience pays no attention to the signals, shouldn’t logic prevail and the systems be disabled? Of course not. If such logic were ever to dictate policies of any kind, I wouldn’t hear “We are now on Homeland Security Alert Level Fuschia” every goddamn time I walk into the airport.

So do humanity a favour. Disable your car alarm. If your car gets stolen, don’t worry. Just steal someone else’s car. And don’t worry if their alarm goes off while you’re doing it — no one will care.

**NOTE: I do not, in any way, condone or advise the theft of motor vehicles. I do, however, believe in the blow up car if alarm is on for more than an hour rule.

After returning from my trip through India, and just now hitting up Lake Tahoe, there are quite a few positives I could write about.

But I can’t. The world is a terrible, terrible place right now, and Gaza is the heart of misery. One must keep in mind that war brings the most gruesome of times, but what is happening right now certainly cannot be described as a war. It’s genocide, plain and simple.

There used to be a way civilians could avoid dying during war. Methods like hiding in residential buildings, hospitals, or schools were once pretty effective in avoiding direct fire from soldiers. Sadly, Israel seems to be targeting such civilian areas more than any military ones. When reached for comment, Israeli officials responded, “Geneva who?”.

I could sit here and link to all the material outlining the atrocities. Things like how Red Cross teams aren’t allowed to save dying civilians in residential areas. How poison gas was used to wipe off civilians. How entire generations of families would be killed in one go (yes, this is a significant thing — most countries do not bomb a house with 20 people in it, especially when it is surrounded by nothing but other houses). On and on and on. The numbers, the videos, the articles… they’re all there. But what’s the point?

Even if the UN Chief accuses Israel of war crimes, does anyone actually care unless the US publicly announces that Israel is in the wrong here? Does anyone besides the US government still believe Hamas broke the ceasefire first (even CNN doesn’t anymore)? The UN’s crippling inability to ever accomplish anything has never been more on display than this very moment. The world watches mass genocide being committed and stays silent just because the US government does.

Tomorrow Obama gets inaugurated. It’s a great day for the US, a great day for the world. Change has been promised, and Obama has focused on many areas which need the most attention. What bothers me though, as I’ve said before, is that Obama has promised to maintain the US’s current policies on Israel.

Why? Can anyone explain to me why the hell Israel gets a free pass? Is the Jewish community’s influence in this country powerful enough to excuse terrorism? Seriously?

I will wake up tomorrow and watch a great man be given a presidency. I just hope the recent events cause Obama to wake up too. It’s time to smell the burnt, blood-stained, gas-poisoned roses.

Unfortunately for BK, they are behind McDonald’s in market share by a measly eight trillion restaurants. McDonald’s has also gotten some attention recently for introducing a “healthy” menu, for those concerned with nutrition (what, exactly, such people are doing in McDonalds is beyond me). Comparing the healthy options to the core menu is like choosing between a priest and a serial rapist. Either way, you lose money and get raped.

As a counter to McD’s nutritious rape menu, BK has introduced a new product which they feel will target the weight-loss freaks. The product is designed to help people lose weight, and furthermore, to help people around them lose weight too. By doing so, BK will be discarding its reputation as an evil corporation which fattens the masses, instead replacing it with a health-conscious salad-loving unicorn factory.

While I may be exaggerating BK’s intentions, I assure you their actual offering is just as ridiculous. You can now purchase a cologne that smells like Burger King meat. Before you click, be warned that the website’s designers were apparently given instructions to specifically design a “product destination site SLASH softcore porno film repository”. I have no freaking clue what class of imbecile would be convinced to buy one of these items.

Men wouldn’t buy this, because they already spend money on other colognes so they can hide the fact that they just ate BK five minutes ago. Women would consider buying this, then see the website’s display of the half-naked BK man and subsequently throw up / enter in a permanent self-induced coma. Children, however, are stupid. They could be convinced to buy this if they were offered it on the street. Or better yet, BK could finally have its own kids meal, with the toy being the cologne. Kids can spray themselves for fun, and since the perfume is composed entirely of actual BK burger contents, it will only be 60% more toxic than if they ingested a real cologne.

There’s only one problem: when the child goes home. His morbidly obese mother will smell the familiar Whopper scent, and with her eyes fixated on tonight’s Jerry Springer, her natural reflexes will take over, and she will eat her own child. Technically, this is still promoting nutritious meals, as eating her son is probably more healthy than eating a Whopper. Unless of course, her son had just ingested trace amounts of the BK cologne, in which case she will probably die within minutes.

Just for the record — I don’t hate BK. I love eating there, but I only eat the chicken sandwiches.

Oh, by the way, I’m off on a trip to India for 2 weeks or so. Haven’t been in over a decade, so it should be interesting. Happy holidays.