The setup: Three men with haunted pasts are summoned to a cursed town by soldier-turned-vampire hunter, Lord Henry Baltimore. Baltimore has been searching for a vampire king in order to avenge the loss of his family and wife to the scourge. The three men will join in the battle for Baltimore’s very soul and spirit. The book is illustrated throughout with drawings by the very talented Mike Mignola. Readers may remember Mignola from the Hellboy series and The Amazing Screw-On Head, among other things. Here’s more information about Christopher Golden, who I am unfamiliar with.

What’s good about Baltimore? Vampires, adventures on the dark side, and one good story (out of 4) about a haunting. I think that the book aspires to be something interesting and unique. To me, it hearkens back to some older adventure fiction, and has a kind of steampunk sensibility. For instance, it has something of the flavor of Jules Verne novels like Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, or Wells’ War of the Worlds. (Except that, unlike those books, it sucks). It has adventure, travel, and moral fortitude.

What’s not so good about Baltimore? I was reminded of Moby Dick, of all things, but probably not for the reason you’re thinking. When I read Moby Dick, I was like “It’s halfway through the book and the ship hasn’t sailed and we’re reading about a pastor!” The book is practically over before anything really happens. The first part of the book tells how Lord Baltimore becomes the sworn enemy of the vampires. The second part of the book consists of the three men swapping tales of their own brushes with the supernatural. The third part gets you somewhat caught up with what Baltimore has been doing recently, in epistolary format. Finally, the fourth part of the book is the showdown between the vampire king and Baltimore (and his henchmen).

What sucks about Baltimore? Dull, two-dimensional, interchangeable characters; a vampire hunting hero with a jointed wooden leg who carries dumb vampire-hunting gear; a vampire novel with absolutely no eroticism or even titillation; no meaningful female characters at all; mechanical writing; a weird thing in the beginning about toy soldiers that doesn’t really figure into the rest of the book.

Let’s see those numbers.

Creepy Factor: 3 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 0 out of 5
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 0 out of 5

Final result: Because of Mignola, the artwork, and the subject matter, this book jumped off the shelf at me and demanded to be read. Finishing it ended up being a dull chore, and I am especially bitter because I expected better. Guys! Guys! Don’t bother writing a vampire novel without any eroticism. You might as well just make it about werewolves or something. Don’t get me wrong – I like werewolves. Some of my best friends are werewolves, but they’re not sexy like vampires.

Baltimore by Mike Mignola and Christopher Golden – Bantam Books – 2007
DON’T Buy Baltimore at Amazon

Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews. See you next time!

THE WHITE WIZARD
by Sophie Wenzel Ellis

In this issue
S. Fowler Wright
Author of “The Deluge”

Other Stories by –
SEABURY QUINN
H.P. LOVECRAFT
HENRY S. WHITEHEAD
E. HOFFMANN PRICE
B. WALLIS
EDMOND HAMILTON
ROBERT E. HOWARD

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Or maybe you’d like to read about vampires. The book comes with a special fold-out section about vampires, and a large spread detailing vampire hunting kits.

I always love how with a story about Vlad the Impaler, publishers always include a grisly woodcut showing people impaled on poles. Speaking of impaling things, I didn’t know this, but there is a caterpillar in Australia known as a “Hatterpiller” that, when if sheds its skin, it saves the old head, and impales it on a spike that grows out of the top of its head. It wears them like hats. It keeps doing this as it sheds heads until it is wearing a series of mummified head shells on its head. Each head is a little smaller as it goes up. It’s like a Dr. Suess fashion gone ridiculously wrong. Australians have the craziest insects! Giant spiders. Bulldog ants. But I digress.

Here’s a vampire hunting kit. Anyways, like I said in my last review, these books are low on the attention span and high on the fascinating weirdness. I also admire Ripley’s for knowing their audience and going all out. The book is hardbound, with a garish purple and silver holographic foil cover, and a lenticular insert of a door opening with an amazed face behind it. It’s completely filled with photos. There are a few fold-out sections, including a life-sized photo of a 23.5 inch tall teenager. So if you want to have your picture taken with her, there’s no need to travel anywhere, just open up the book, and bam! you’re ready for a portrait.

Here is a list of the chapters:

• Strange but True
• Weird World
• Animal Antics
• Extreme Sports
• Body Oddity
• Travel Tales
• Incredible Feats
• Bizarre Mysteries
• Fantastic Food
• Artistic License
• Amazing Science
• Beyond Belief

So once again, you’ve got everything from chocolate covered insects, to animals with multiple heads, to giant ovarian cysts, to mummified nuns in chapels, to giant hair sculptures, and more and more and more.

Creepy Factor: 4 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 0 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 0 out of 5 (it’s family friendly)
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 5 out of 5

Final result: My dentist refused to replace his dreadful Taschen book of modern architecture with the other Ripley’s book. I really wish that I could talk him into putting one of these in the waiting room. I would give him mine for some more gas now and again, although it would be painful for me to part with it. For me, Ripley’s is the perfect place to catch up on my reading about sword swallowers, fire eaters, and pears which grow in the shape of smiling Buddhas.

Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Seeing is Believing – Ripley Publishing – 2009
Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Enter If You Dare! on Amazon

Many thanks to Ripley Books for sending me this book to review. (See my disclosure policy.) Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews. See you next time!

Dear Melora,

Melora, if you’re reading this, there’s a reason I’m writing this as a break up letter. I’m trying to figure out if the problem here is me. Like many of your fans, I’ve been following Rasputina for more than a decade and it’s been interesting watching you grow as an artist. You keep trying new things to keep your music fresh and relevant. You’ve also been through a lot of band members, and in addition released a solo record as Melora Creager.

I fell in love with you the first time I heard “Dig Ophelia”. I thrilled in a white trashy way when you sang “Trenchmouth”. You broke my heart so deftly with “Hunter’s Kiss”, having first announced that it would be a sad story, and I watched admiringly from a distance when you sang “Saline the Salt Lake Queen”. I agreed with you when you stated that the cello is the saddest instrument. Your solo album was interesting but also kind of forgettable, but then O Perilous World came along with some really good songs and an interesting idea. And I was happy.

And now Sister Kinderhook. Like most of the rest of your albums, the songs can be broken into four categories: 1) The brilliant songs we love you for. 2) Some songs that are OK and might be the ones we like later when we get tired of the ones we liked first. 3) A few songs that are mostly amazing but have something really annoying about them (like the frenetic part of “Draconian Crackdown”, which is otherwise rocking). 4) One or two real stinkers. Please note that only one of your albums has no stinkers. That is as much a product of your experimentation as anything else, and when I buy your albums I don’t mind the stinkers because the rest is always so interesting.

Can I tell you that there isn’t anybody else I know of anywhere who is doing what you do? There are some bands that can be compared, but you are very unique.

I read a discussion on a fan site where some people were talking about whether or not you were going to drag out the dulcimer again. The point being that the dulcimer was really grating. And don’t get me wrong – there is something intrinsically grating about your music. Sometimes that’s a good thing, like in “Saline” or “Crosswalk”. Other times, not so much. Like in “The 2 Miss Leavens” which is grating and (I think it’s best to be blunt here) boring. I pre-ordered Sister Kinderhook and got the fan, thank you. Then I listened to the album some. And then stopped listening to it. Then I listened to it some more. Then I stopped listening to it. Then I tried listening to it on shuffle with the other Rasputina albums. Here are my thoughts.

I love love love “Sweet Sister Temperance” and “Meant to be Dutch”. “Dutch” in particular makes me think of Chinese railroad laborers and theremin. The tracks “Kinderhook Hoopskirt Works” and “Afternoon of the Fawn” are good. “Kinderhook Hoopskirt Works” suffers in that it’s the same flavor as “Shirtwaist Fire” and “My Orphanage” but isn’t quite as good. “Utopian Society” is funny and I love the accent. The song is like “My Captivity by Savages” or “Kate Moss” so it ends up getting limited play time with me, being a novelty song. I have to be honest with you that the rest of the album is a little tedious. In the middle. For a long time. I read that you wanted to get back to your roots and I think this album proves that you can never really go home. Not really. And yet the music does mesh well with your other albums so maybe it’s something else. I don’t know. I’ve been spending some time trying to figure out if it’s YOU, of if it’s ME. Maybe I’ve become jaded. I’m wishing for some more cello. I don’t really feel like you’re rocking out on this album, and there something missing. Some extra X factor.

Can I tell you again that there isn’t anybody else I know of anywhere who is doing what you do? I think everyone should listen to your music. I plan to see you when you come to Portland, and no, the love affair isn’t really over. But I’m feeling jaded and blue.

Sister Kinderhook by Rasputina – Filthy Bonnet – 2010
Buy Sister Kinderhook on Amazon

See you next time!

THE PIED PIPER OF FRISCO
A LONERGAN STORY
by JOHN K. BUTLER

* * *

CORPSE CRAZY
A DUKE MARTINDEL NOVELETTE
by LESLIE T. WHITE

* * *

RAYMOND CHANDLER AND OTHERS

Her hand came off!!!

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OK. OK. The part about the dream I made up, but Grover IS a good pal of mine. And there is a book in Titan’s “Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes” series that features Dracula, Holmes and Watson. In Seance for a Vampire by Fred Saberhagen we find them investigating the case of a dead heiress who makes an appearance in a seance held by some suspicious spiritualists. The book further posits that Dracula and Holmes are cousins and this is what caused Holmes to have such a nightmarish childhood (?).

I have to say that when I found out about the book, I was interested. I mean, there’s Sherlock Holmes and Dracula, and that means there is going to be vampirism and a nice staking scene probably. And then there is going to be a seance, so there’s going to be some table-rapping and fake ectoplasm coming out of people’s noses and from behind their ears. Probably some sex. And blood. And Sherlock Holmes and mayhem in London. People getting knocked out. Yeah. And Sherlock will pull out his chemistry set and pick locks and create image transfers with sulfur dioxide and discover ape hair jammed in windows and shit like that.

The book looks very promising at the start. We are introduced to a hot Eastern European female vampire who is watching a public hanging of a pirate. She is watching this and simultaneously having a mysterious conversation with a rich merchant, who is obviously crooked. I was thinking to myself “Aw yeah. Here we go.” Then the author kills both characters off. Later in the book everything slows to a crawl and it becomes strictly snoresville.

While there is some sex, it’s mostly talked about abstractly and after the fact. Dracula puts the bite on one of the fraudulent spiritualists, but we are only told that it’s happening. No juicy details. No hungry eyes. No torn bodices. Then there is the rich heiress who has been turned into a vampire. Normally, in a vampire novel, somebody gets staked. And you go: “Yeah! Stake that vampire! Stake her good! I want to see that stake come out the other side of her chest while she shrieks over and over!” Not here. Here they go searching for the vampire heiress, and the first time they find her, they let her escape somehow. Lame. And then the next time they search for her, they find her and discover that SOMEBODY ELSE HAS ALREADY STAKED HER. Then there’s an awesome booby trap set to kill Holmes, but here’s how the scene plays out:

Dracula said, “Wait. There is a diabolical booby trap here.” And then he said. “OK I have disarmed the booby trap.”

“Good thing you saw that.” replied Watson.

Now I can see this book possibly being a treat for somebody who really loves Sherlock Holmes and who wants to experience a Sherlock Holmes book like they were written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Maybe. What I mean is if you are somebody who might be looking for something a turn of the century gentleman might write, then… But I don’t remember the works of Doyle being this dull. Maybe they were and I’ve forgotten. I know that at one time or another I’ve read all of Doyle’s Holmes books and the memories are fond. And maybe those of you who are fans of the Doyle books would enjoy this one. Maybe.

Creepy Factor: 1 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 2 out of 5 (For the hot Eastern European vampire at the beginning.)
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 1 out of 5

Final result: I forgot to mention the Rasputin kind of character! There is a Russian mesmerist in this book. You know, the kind who uses his mesmerism and magnetic personality to take advantage of women? Like Rasputin. In this book. And what does he do? He has two very sensible conversations!!! That’s what. It bears mentioning that there are some books in the Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes that have very positive reviews on Amazon.

Seance for a Vampire by Fred Saberhagen – Titan Books – 2010
Buy Seance for a Vampire at Amazon

Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews, and thanks to Titan Books for the review copy. See you next time!

The CORPSE-MASTER
by Seabury Quinn

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Join Salad Fingers and its rotten teeth as it licks, fondles, squishes, and negligently murders the desolate world that it finds himself in. More information about the artist, here and here.

• Episode 1 – Spoons
• Episode 2 – Friends
• Episode 3 – Nettles
• Episode 4 – Cage
• Episode 5 – Picnic
• Episode 6 – Present
• Episode 7 – Shore Leave
• Episode 8 – Cupboard

Om nom nom nom.

GODDESS
of
TERROR

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I woke up screaming. Stupid diet: It takes all my time. While I’m complaining, can I just say that my doctor needs a scarier mask? She does (sorry Dr. B. – I’m just saying). Anyway, you’re not here to listen to me complain about my diet and how it’s giving me nightmares, so I’ll get to the book review.

Nightmare is a ghost story. It’s also sort of a series of ghost stories that all wrap up into one story. Maia Peters is the daughter of a pair of famous ghost hunters. Maia is struggling to pay for college, when heiress Jordin Cole shows up with a proposition: show me how to investigate hauntings and I will solve your financial problems. Maia is not impressed with Jordin, but ends up agreeing. Later, Jordin goes missing and Maia joins forces with Jordin’s fiancee to investigate her disappearance. The book begins with Maia seeing a ghostly apparition of the already-missing Jordin. Then the chapters are split between flashbacks of the adventures of Maia and Jordin as they hunt ghosts, and present time with Maia and Jordin’s fiancee as they try to track down Jordin’s abductors. Does my description make sense? I hope so.

The book struck me as being very much like what Dean R. Koontz might turn in if he wrote a young adult novel. Besides being a ghost story, Nightmare is also a (low-key) suspense novel. As might be expected, the chapters about Maia and Jordin’s ghost hunting adventures are spooky, and have a growing friendship between the two as a subplot. I felt like these chapters, where the heroes of the story visit some famous haunted spots, were entertaining. The search for Jordin chapters, unfortunately, were a little bit of a letdown. Maia’s first intuitions about what has happened to Jordin lead straight to her. Instead of following the protagonist as they get lost in a labyrinth of a mystery, we watch as Maia picks up the first obvious trail and follows it directly to the villain’s lair. The entire book has a certain air of inevitability.

Something that struck me as being strange when I read this book is that there is a great deal of exposition between the characters about Christianity and how the beliefs of some Christians might (or might not) intersect with such topics as demons, ghosts, and alchemy. This puzzled me until I read some of the language on the marketing materials the publisher sent with the book and found that Bethany House is a Christian publisher, Parrish is a Christian author, and the book is categorized as “Fiction/ Christian/ Suspense.”

Creepy Factor: 3 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 0 out of 5
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 2 out of 5 (For at the end where someone is getting stomped on. It was funny to me.)

Final result: I thought that the book was imaginative. At the same time, I felt that there was a lack of grit and any real sense of fear or danger. At the times where there should have been fear or danger, it seemed like the main characters got philosophical instead. Everything was explained in the end and got tied up very neatly. Besides Maia being used bodily to paint the walls of her dorm room, there was little violence. The book reminded me of reading Nancy Drew stories. Except with an enormous deus ex machina at the end. Yes, I think this book would have benefited from some grit.

Nightmare by Robin Parrish – Bethany House – 2010
Buy Nightmare at Amazon

Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews, and thanks to Bethany House for the review copy. See you next time!