Two things get in the way of many men when it comes to securing a date.

1. Excuses ( I don’t have time, I need to get my ducks in a row, I’m shy etc…)

2. Fear of rejection ( number one is really a cover up for number 2)

Okay, so really one BIG thing gets in the way of men securing dates. Men don’t want to be rejected, so they don’t put in the effort.

The thing is, there’s always a reason to fear. When you are single, on the one hand, you can fear rejection, on the other hand, you can fear going through this life alone.

When you are in a relationship, you can fear them dying or leaving you.

My point is that fear is valid. Rejection is inevitable at some point while you’re single. And when you’re in a relationship, your spouse may not leave you, but they are eventually going to die before or after you. (or maybe at the same time) I know, how morbid.

My other point is that even though fears are valid, you don’t have to focus on them. You can get over your fears or take your shift away from thinking about your fears by focusing on the benefit of what you can gain and what you can give.

I’m going to focus on the fear of rejection.

To be in the right mindset, you must believe that the benefit of what you can possibly gain and give to the other person is worth the risk of rejection.

If you don’t believe this equation,

what you can gain and give > the possible rejection,

then you’re never going to move from intention (wanting a girlfriend) to action (actually going out and asking girls out on a regular basis).

Are you sure you even want a girlfriend? If you’re just interested in sex and think that having a girlfriend is not worth the trouble, then it’s too easy to just find some porn online and get your release that way.

Sex is not a big enough motivator to pursue women because it’s too easy to fool yourself into thinking that porn + manual stimulation is good enough because you don’t have to go through the trouble of having to possibly get rejected. But settling for this (yes it is settling), or settling for one night stands is like choosing to always eat candy instead of a meal. Even if it is sweet, it will always leave you unsatisfied and aching for something with more substance.

Because the good stuff, the satisfying stuff, happens when it gets serious.

And if you don’t want a girlfriend or wife or you think it’s not worth the trouble, ask yourself why?

Maybe you see your buddies who have long term girlfriends or are married and they don’t seem happy. Maybe they have lost their freedom, maybe all they do is bitch about their wives, or maybe they don’t look forward to going home anymore.

Maybe all the examples of long term relationships disappoint you, including the relationship your parents have/had.

How do you get in this right mindset?

1. You need good role models, like the old married couple at church who are still happy and in love.

Why not spend some time with them, asking them how they make it work? Maybe it seems like a ridiculous idea or waste of time, but I’m telling you that if you don’t have examples of good relationships around you, there’s no WAY you’re going to be motivated to want to pursue a woman for more than something casual.

And on top of that, it will be difficult to create a good relationship if you’ve never even seen what a good relationship looks like. If you’ve only seen dysfunctional relationships or relationships that involve selfish people, it will look like the norm.

2. You have to realize your role around women.

Be empowered by the truth that God created woman FOR man. There would be no “Eve” if there was no “Adam.” God created her to be a “helper” for him. (See Genesis 2:18-25)

This means that not only is she equipped for this role of helping you be the best man in this life (what you gain), but you need her! She also needs you to fulfill her role in helping you(what you give). God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone in this life (even in paradise), and God made a woman to fit that role of primary companion.

(*side note: none of this applies if you have the “gift of singleness.” See 1 Corinthians 7:6-9)

3. You have to believe that you have something to offer a woman that she wants and finds attractive.

Think about it. I mean honestly think about it. Do you possess any qualities that you are SURE a woman is looking for?

Here are some things that all women universally want in a man off the top of my head:

1. A good listener.
2. An honest, loyal partner.
3. A man who doesn’t have a temper.
4. A man who is responsible and has goals.
5. Someone who will pay attention to them and adore them.

Do you have any of these traits? Do you have other traits that you think women will benefit from? What do you bring to the table? If you see that you have these things, why are you withholding yourself from finding a woman who can benefit from them? Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you have to look or act a certain way to get a good woman. You will sift through those women who don’t give you a chance, and you will find a woman who has a good head on her shoulders and who will recognize these qualities that take longer to discover.

Remember this:

The right mindset that will help you find dates is first and foremost to believe that the final outcome (having a girlfriend/wife) is worth all the trouble of getting rejected by some (or many) women before you meet the right one.

In summary, here’s what you need to be in the right mindset:

1. Couples who are good role models (they have a relationship you want to emulate)

2. The understanding of your role as a man in a woman’s life.

3. A firm understanding of what you bring to the table.

Just wanted to share this great article I found via yahoo! These are great tips:)

15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years

The greatest gift you can give others is your whole self in truth.

-A.C Ping from Be

and I’d like to add, your whole self in truth, without regard for how you can benefit, without regard for how you can fail miserably. Aren’t the best actions in life, those actions where we give of ourselves without any expectation? Without fear of what the other person will or won’t do? Just a little, but powerful, quote to think about over the weekend.

Oh, and on a side note, my parent’s loved their gift! They even emailed us pics. So guys, it’s a winner for those healthy ladies you want to impress:)

(Card explanation: My mom and dad got married on my dad’s birthday. For two reasons, says my dad. For one, he didn’t ever want to forget his anniversary, and for two, he wanted to give himself the best birthday gift in the world! Growing up, this was always “parents’ weekend” with their anniversary, my dad’s birthday, and mother’s day.)

Edible Arrangements: the gift for my healthy parents:)

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

-G. K, Chesterton

I’m so thankful for my parents. I’m in awe at how they make it work. I’ve seen their humanity, but they cling to each other, and I think in the end, that’s what matters.

They’ve taught me…

• (shhhhh!) Divorce is the “D” word.

  It’s the worst of all expletives and should never never never be talked about. Make it a pact to never talk about it because if it’s never the solution, never the answer, then you’re bound to make it work. I remember hearing this somewhere, “Happily married or unhappily married, but always married.” By making this pact, you are honoring your promises, you are vowing you will always be a team, and you are giving the other person the gift of your unconditional love.

• Money won’t buy you lasting happiness. You need people for that.

  Ecclesiastes 4:8- one person who has no other, either son or brother, yet there is no end to all his toil, and his eyes are never satisfied with riches, so that he never asks, “For whom am I toiling and depriving myself of pleasure?” This also is vanity and an unhappy business.

  
  If you are a lonely, rich person, you will be unhappy. What this verse is saying is that lonely, rich people never stop and think, Why am I working so hard when I could be enjoying myself? Instead, they think they just need more money, when all they need is more companionship.

  I’m reminded of what I read in A.C. Ping’s book Do,
  

  You can go to the most amazing, stunningly beautiful places in the world and they will be nothing without people. But people can also make unbearable places a lot more friendly. I recently found myself in Barcelona, sitting in the marina watching an amazing sunset. As the sun disappeared behind the hills that surround the city, the whole sky turned shades of pink, then orange, and then as if by magic the lights of the city began to appear. It was breathtaking, but all I wanted to do was share it with someone, just to say, “Wow, look at that!”
  

  Our enjoyment of wonderful experiences is heightened by the presence of another, and the suffering we face in the presence of crisis/calamity is lessened by the presence of another. And this is why I love marriage, because at the end of the day, you always have someone to share those seemingly insignificant moments that happened during the day, that crazy thought you had, that idea that popped up in the middle of rush hour, or that cranky old boss you want to vent about. At the end of the day, you have someone to share the wonder of experience, someone to say, “Wow, look at that!” to.

  We cannot be human without another human…

  My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.
  -Archbishop Desmond Tutu from the book Do, by A.C. Ping

• You get more out of life when you share it with another person.

  Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?
  

  Throughout the years, my parents have alternated roles. In the Philippines while my mom went to school for nursing, my dad was a history teacher and principal. When they moved to the states, it was because my mom was drafted as a nurse. My dad followed, and while he went to school to also become a nurse, my mom went to work. At some point, they both worked and shared the responsibility of parenting. Then my mom lost her job, and my dad worked. Now they are both retiring and trying out some business ventures in the Philippines.

  Through it all, they have helped and supported each other. It makes a difference when you have someone else to share both the burden and the blessings that work brings. I don’t think my parents would have been able to do all this without each other. This verse is most definitely true with my parents.

• You + Your Spouse + God = a Force to be reckoned with

  Ecclesiastes 4:12- And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

  And this verse is the one that I resonate with the most and have learned the most from because of my parents’ example. “A threefold cord is not quickly broken.” I’ve come to interpret this over the years for me as husband, wife and God. That is one of the strongest, most unbreakable bonds.

  My parents have shared their faith with each other and with all three of us children. It is the glue that keeps them strong, and our family close knit. I cannot reiterate how much of an impact faith has had on our family. I’m talking daily “worship” time together complete with song, scripture, and prayer. I’m talking prayer at every meal, and prayer in times of crisis. I’m talking weekly church attendance and grandmothers who openly shared their faith and let us know every time we saw them that they were praying for us. I’m talking we still text each other when we have something we need prayer for, be it a test, a doctor’s appointment, a medical crisis, a relationship issue.

  Even if you are not a believer reading this, you have to know that I attribute all the sense that I can offer as a relationship blogger to the fact that I believe God’s Holy Spirit dwells in me and gives me insight. If there is any good that comes out of my writing, I had nothing to do with it. Wisdom, true wisdom, comes from God.

  Do you lack wisdom in your life or in your relationships? I’m inviting you to take a leap of faith, and ask God for wisdom because he promises:
  

  James 1:5
  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

At first it may seem obvious, like the answer would be a resounding Yes!!!

But, I’d like to point out that there are two kinds of spoiled people.

1. Those who are appreciative and feel blessed, not entitled. and…

2. Those who feel entitled and don’t have a sense of gratitude.

You can tell if a man or a woman is the first kind when they have an attitude that it could all disappear in a blink of an eye and therefore you have to appreciate it while you have it. They are appreciative to people and don’t demand their own way.

The second kind is the spoiled brat, the one who isn’t thankful but FEELS entitled to people’s goodness. If crisis/disaster/calamity comes, they are going to be so lost and have feelings of despair because their expectations were not realistic.

Can you relate to either of these in your partner or yourself?

Found this quote via Rockstar Diaries, and I love it:)

*On a side note, Nate and I went to see Gary Valentine at the Parlor in Bellevue with Josephine and John (above) and omg he bombed! I’d never seen any professional comedian get booed off stage. Someone even threw a lemon at him! We were in VIP seating and saw the whole thing go down like a train wreck. The other three openers had to finish the show and the host was sooo apologetic (We got free tickets. yay!) It was still a great show even with the main act disappearing.

The table in front of us recorded it and put it on Youtube! (figures:)

Check it out if you’re curious: (beware: expletives)

Some men have the misconception that women are impressed with all they know and all they can do.

How things work in Mars

This would make sense since men are from Mars where their friendships with other men involve doing stuff together and being competitive. In Mars, DOING something makes other people take notice. So they approach women and try to pull out all their magic tricks thinking their trivia or their voice impersonations will impress the woman they are seeking. Men view friendship in terms of doing “stuff” with others be it fishing, gaming, or watching a football game. They see friendship in terms of similar interests, especially if there is some way to be competitive.

How things work in Venus

Women on the other hand are completely different. Women are from Venus, where their friendships with women involve sharing, communicating and nurturing each other– the very opposite of being competitive. Women can enjoy the company of other women over tea, just talking about their day, their families and their lives. That’s why so many women enjoy watching “Sex in the City,” because they see four women always sitting around a table, TALKING.

What happens when a man from Mars takes a woman from Venus out on a date

So man from Mars takes woman from Venus out on a date. She is expecting to get to know the man better. He is there to impress her. He wants more than anything to be interesting. She just wants to know that he’s interested in her and wants to share details of her life and learn more about his life. All his efforts to sound interesting make him sound like a know it all, and all his efforts to showcase his skills and tricks makes her feel like he is trying to hard.

What’s going through their minds

She wants to connect.
He wants to impress.

She is looking for a man who is confident, and true confidence displays itself in humility and a true interest and concern for others. He’s not interested in me at all. He just wants to put on a show, she thinks.

All the while he’s thinking she’s got to be impressed with his knowledge and interests, when he’s really boring her to death.

All this can be avoided by just doing one thing during dates:

6. He cares more about being kind than being right.

I think one of the things that makes Nate and my relationship pretty laid back is that neither of us is really stubborn. We definitely err on the side of being too tactful/courteous and sometimes I feel the need to pry a little to make sure there’s really nothing brewing under the surface. From the top of my head, I can remember at least one time where there was something bothering Nate that didn’t come up right away.

I think if both partners are more concerned about being kind to the other person, this is going to be what creates that relaxed atmosphere in the relationship. I don’t know where I first heard this, about marriage being two people on the same “team,” but that advice has always stuck with me. Or as my friend Jacki so wonderfully put it,


You are the only two members on this team and no one else will ever be invited, and no one else needs to understand the rules of this team as long as they work for the two of you. The way you communicate, spend time together, divide up housework, have sex, etc, etc, etc doesn’t need to be the way anyone else does it, as long as it works for YOUR TEAM. It’s the two of you against the world. And when conflict arises between me and my husband, I’m trying to keep that in mind, that my husband isn’t the enemy but my teammate instead, and my object isn’t to beat him but to help him WIN.


It really doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong, what matters is that we place nice with our teammate!

7. He’s a hard worker.

I think this makes our marriage laid back because we both love to work. I love spending the whole day blogging, writing, doing photo shoots, planning out new creative posts, and a lot of my time during the day is spent thinking about work. It’s enjoyable. Nate is the same way with his job. He works really hard and he gets to build things all day: things like the Federal Reserve in Washington, or the Bellevue Towers, and now he’s building the light rail and a bridge. Because we both love our jobs, we really do excuse each other if Nate has to work late or I have to work on my laptop while we relax on the couch at the end of the evening.

We try to prioritize each other, don’t get me wrong, but we give each other that freedom to think about work and talk about work on our free time or stay at work longer.

8. He’s generous.

You know those girls who go after guys with money, what are they called? Gold diggers? lol. I wish I could tell these women, “Don’t look for a guy with money! Look for a guy who is generous!” Nate is so generous: with his time, his resources, his money. Everything. Generosity translates to a guy without a selfish bone in his body. He always buys quality for himself and for others, and he is always looking for ways to help people.

When his twin sister went on vacation a couple of weeks ago, he noticed she didn’t have her rear tailgate because there were some parts missing. So what did he do? He ordered all the parts and installed everything as a surprise for when she got back. On the drive to the airport, all of their luggage had to be crammed in the front, and to their surprise, with the tailgate back on when they got picked up, they were able to put their luggage in the back and have plenty of room to sit comfortably in the front.

He is always willing to take the tab, inconvenience himself to make something more convenient for someone else. Being around him makes me want to be a better person.

9. He’s Mr Ready for the Worst Case Scenario

Whether it’s going on a day hike, a backpacking trip, or just a bike ride at a nearby trail, he has every possible safety device ready. What if we get a flat tire on our bikes? He has a miniature pump in his sack. What if we find someone stuck in a ditch during the big snow storm? He has the biggest winch to pull them out.

Do you know what this does for me? It gives me peace of mind. I’m the girl who always forgets to get napkins at a restaurant. I need a guy like this. Maybe you’re the same way? I’m also the biggest worrier in the world. And just having Nate by my side melts away my anxieties of what could possibly happen, because I know he will know what to do. Does he know CPR? Check. Fire in the back yard from too much peanut oil for frying the turkey? Let’s just say, it’s nice to be married to a former firefighter/EMT!

10. He’s strong where I am weak.

Okay so now I’m going to be super sentimental. You know why I believe in soul mates? Because I don’t think there’s another person on this planet who is more well suited for me.

There’s a reason why me, the girl who never finishes anything ended up with the guy who never quits and always sees projects through completion.

There’s a reason why me, the girl who always worries and stresses and thinks of the worst case scenario ended up with the guy who never stresses and only deals with the things he can control, letting everything else just be.

There’s a reason why me, the girl who hates math but loves words ended up with the guy who loves math and doesn’t care for words.

There’s a reason why me, the girl who is vain and pretty self absorbed ended up with the guy who thinks of everyone first.

and there’s a reason why me, the girl who is afraid of everything ended up with the most fearless man she’s ever met.

And I can go on and on and on. (I’ve actually written a list- it’s pages long, of all the things that make us complete opposites)

Sounds like Nate’s getting the shorter end of the stick in this deal! LOl. I bring stuff to the table, like the fact that I am very very verbal and communicate everything, and I’m never shy about expressing my needs, whereas Nate has a harder time saying he needs anything. (haha I bet most guys can relate)

But for the most part, I do think I got the better deal:)

So there it is ladies! Are there any traits of what you’re looking for in a husband that you want to add? I’d love to know! Have a great weekend everyone!

I didn’t realize these qualities would make marriage life pretty laid back, but now that I know, I want to share with you ladies so you know what to look for in a hubby!

1. He doesn’t have a temper.

Do you know that one time I was holding the remote and instead of pressing “play” on the DVR, I actually pressed “delete” and deleted Nate’s tv show? Not just any episode of Top Shot mind you, but the finale. Eeks. I looked at him and thought, Oh crap, I’m really gonna get it.

But what did Mr. Good Natured do? Oh, after I apologized profusely, he shrugged it off and said, “Oh well. You didn’t mean to. It was an accident. That’s okay.”

I remember dating this guy around the time I started college who had road rage. It scared the living begeezers out of me. I never grew up around arguing or fighting, (I’ve only seen my parents fight once in my whole life) so when I see hot heads or angry guys, it just freaks me out! Whether or not you lived in an environment with fighting/arguing, just know that you can choose a guy who doesn’t have a temper and change the atmosphere in your home, just by paying attention to this one little quality. Does he get angry easily? Don’t walk, RUN the other way.

2. He’s not a picky eater.

Okay, so a guy with a temper may be a deal breaker but a picky eater, you can probably deal with. But let me tell you how wonderful it is to be married to someone who eats everything you put in front of him! Added bonus: he is always always appreciative. Take note guys. Your appreciation will insure more future wonderful meals:)

I remember dating a police officer in college who, kid you not, only ate pizza, lasagna and apple fritters. I let him try a fried beef spring roll (who doesn’t like those?!) and he didn’t like it. In my head I was thinking, Wow, how will we eat meals together? This isn’t going to be easy.

3. He’s not a stressed out, anxious, worrier kind of person.

I’m definitely that:( But having Nate as this kind of strong rock really helps me out. He always focuses on what he can control and shrugs off everything else. He makes me a better person.

One time, he actually had his jeep stolen. Did he freak out? Nope. He was like, What can you do? It’s gone. So he filed the police report and called his insurance company and that was that. Bravo bravo to the cool, calm and collected gentlemen out there:)

4. He’s positive and content.

How do you know if the man you are with is positive and content? You can’t remember the last time he complained about anything. You know why it’s nice being married to a positive and content person? It seems like I’m stating the obvious, but you really do become more like the people who you associate with. And I want to be more positive and content. Nate helps me be the best version of myself. Even when life is not easy (his dad passed away this year, he’s had a lot of job stress) he always has a positive outlook. He makes me see the silver lining. He makes me realize that I can choose contentment right now, that I don’t have to wait for anything in my life to change.

5. He puts me first BUT he also has his own hobbies.

What I’ve seen is one or the other, not both. I either see a guy who puts a woman first, but it’s because he doesn’t have any friends or real interests. Boring. Or I see the guy who has his own hobbies, but they end up dominating his life, becoming the main priority instead of the relationship being the priority.

I think the key is to find the person who puts you first, makes you his top concern, but also has a full life of his own.

Nate always has something going on. In the time that we’ve been married, he’s learned how to ride a motorcycle, winterize a motorcycle, do fly fishing, bow fishing, and right now he’s taking a casting class. I’ve helped him find those classes, and I encourage women to do the same, but at the end of the day, if he doesn’t have interests outside of you and video games/watching tv, you’re going to find yourself feeling less respect for him.

You gain respect for men who want to continually learn new skills, have new adventures, guys who are really out there busy living:)

I’ll have the rest of the five tomorrow!