Yup, overwhelmed with the load I’ve placed on my own shoulders.

I’ve realized that working full time as a writing tutor, having a boyfriend, writing daily for two blogs, replying to dating concerns from readers, managing an online dress shop, and my current addiction to hiking can’t all fit into my life at this moment.

Good news— I’m getting orders on my online dress shop! (I’m working on 2 dresses right now and a custom wedding dress!)

The bad news?

Datingadvicefromagirl.com is getting the ax at least until July. (at which point, I’m going to try to incorporate more multimedia, pod casts, video pod casts, and possibly an online tv webisode type thingamajig. script in the works!)

More good news?

I’m still responding to your dating concerns by email. So feel free to ask the girl a question! Or, like many readers have done, feel free to rant or rave about your latest dating adventure. Let me be your sounding board.

See you in July!

p.s. by the way, MidoriLei kimono style dresses make the perfect unique gift for your woman, and ladies, they’re great to wear on dates! Come check them out! (haha, my moment of shameless self-promotion)

It’s a feeling I can’t control because the heart wants what it wants, and a part of me can’t control who I’m attracted to, drawn to, or have chemistry.

But a part of it is a choice– a commitment to hold on to this person I have chemistry with— forever, with the realistic view that this person is not going to always be as perfect as they seem right now.

It’s living with the realistic view that it’s not always going to be easy, and I’m not always going to want this person as strongly and as passionately as I do now–

But when those times come, I’ve backed up my feelings with a decision to stay through it all.

Why?

Because the feelings are volatile.

They come and go.

It’s my commitment that is forever.

It shouldn’t change like the feelings.

So the answer to the question, is love a choice or a feeling?

Well, it’s both.

Basically this kind of love does not waver and is not impacted by the lover’s actions.

It’s saying what this song is saying, that you’ll NEVER take your love away. That’s real love. The ultimate love we’re all seeking.

I WILL NOT TAKE MY LOVE AWAY
Matt Wertz

I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
while the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away
I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there’s no yield for what you’ve sown
I will not leave you all alone
I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need
I will not take my love away

Oh, the beauty of simplicity. All we have to do is keep the lines of communication always open by…

Speaking the truth in love. (taken from Ephesians 4:15)

This is brilliant. It gave me goosebumps! Thanks again Lelove!

That is the trap that many men fall into.

They may not realize this, but they see external beauty and assume that it goes beyond skin deep.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing that because she looks good, she must be a good person.

I don’t have to tell you what to look for in terms of external beauty.

You know what you like.

But here’s what to look for in a woman in terms of internal beauty:

Beauty should be that of her inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.

-Taken from 1 Peter 3

Does she possess a gentle and quiet spirit?

What does this mean?

It doesn’t mean she has to be an introvert.

It means she is a woman who posesses tenderness, benevolence and peace.

The opposite is a woman who is overbearing and harsh.

It might also go hand in hand with the fact that you want to avoid marrying a woman who is quarrelsome.

Overbearing and harsh has the tendency to become quarrelsome and irritating.

The book of Proverbs talks about this over and over and over again.

5 times, actually! Check it out:

Proverbs 19:13
A foolish son is his father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

Proverbs 21:9
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

Proverbs 25:24
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 27:15,16
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

This kind of woman is compared to the annoying sound of dripping water.

And according to the writer, King Solomon (also known as the wisest man to have ever lived) it is better to live on the corner of a roof or the desert than to live with this kind of woman! Watch out!

So, now that you know who you should not fall for, here’s what you should look for in a woman:

Hymn to a Good Wife

A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
“Many women have done wonderful things,
but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!

(Taken from Proverbs 31: 10-31 The Message)

The girl’s translation:

She is rare and valuable
She’s trustworthy, generous and gracious
She has productive hobbies and values quality
She has worthwhile skills she enjoys
She’s adventurous and possesses
sponteneity, brings newness to life
She takes care of the people around her
and manages her time well
She knows how to make wise purchases,
knows how to save money,
She is innovative and not lazy,
but actually enjoys her work
She values what she can make or do
and is available until it gets done.
She knows how to manage a household.
She helps those who come to her in need.
She doesn’t let worry overtake her ’cause
she is prepared for every season.
She is crafty and allows herself
to dress beautifully. She doesn’t hide.
Her husband is respected and is
involved in matters outside the home
She is a natural business woman.
What she makes is good quality.
She is an optimist about the future.
She speaks with wisdom and kindness.
She takes care of everyone in her home
and knows how to delegate tasks.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
“Many women have done wonderful things,
but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charming women can fool you
and beauty doesn’t last forever,
but the woman who respects God,
she should get the honor.

The most important point is highlighted!

Here are the 5 reasons in brief:

• You don’t have ambition
• You don’t follow through
• You give her too much or too little attention
• You’re just not her type
• You don’t see her as an equal

Here’s the girl’s take on the five points:

You don’t have ambition

This is huge! At work, we have a lot of free time. A LOT. It really bothers me that one of my coworkers never does anything with that free time. Never has a book to read, never does his homework during his shift (we are allowed to do whatever we want here. I’ve balanced my checkbook here, I write all my articles here, organize paperwork…) I’m not advocating that it’s wrong to sit around and do nothing. Just not all day! It just makes me wonder, time is what makes up life, and I feel like asking him, “What are you doing today, now, to get you where you want to be in the future? Do you have any goals you can work towards during all this wasted free time?” I’ve had conversations with him and he doesn’t seem to have any hobbies or career aspirations besides just making a living. I wonder, what are his passions? Does he have any?

On the other hand, I talk to a certain Mr. Sleepless in Seattle and he shares his dreams of inventing something, catching a spearhead steelhead (thanks for the correction, baby) trout (which is really rare and hard to catch). He helps his neighbors and does free construction jobs on the weekends, and he actually finds joy in helping people. When I was in Washington he showed me two huge sky scrapers he helped build. He’s done rock crawling, white water kayaking, mountain biking, rock climbing, sky diving, surfing, snowboarding, backpacking. And he’s taken up dance lessons because he knows how much I love to dance!

See with the first guy, I just see someone who isn’t living his life to the fullest. On the other hand, Mr. Sleepless in Seattle is living his life, both giving to his community and making the most of his strong, youthful physique. We are planning adventures together. I’ve always wanted to go spelunking, and we plan to do that together. With him I know I’ll constantly be challenged to go beyond my comfort zone and that excites me! I know I can learn so much from him! And I know that it won’t be boring and he won’t be looking at me to entertain him. That takes a lot of pressure off me. When someone has ambition and is living their life to the fullest, it takes off a lot of pressure from a partner to be the one to make them happy. They are already living an exciting, fun life! Remember both sexes desire to be with people who will enrich their lives! If you see yourself falling short in this area, go figure out what makes you come alive. Go figure out your passions.

You don’t follow through

There are few things more unattractive than a man who isn’t responsible, who doesn’t call when he says he will, who doesn’t show up when he says he will. These are like little tiny eensy-weensy things that don’t seem to matter, but in reality, each time you are losing your credibility as someone who is honest and has integrity. Better to not make promises than to break them. Remember the mantra: underpromise, overdeliver. NOT overpromise, underdeliver.

You give her too much or too little attention

Too much initially looks like you’re not even trying to make a discerning choice or wanting to know a girl for who she is. It just looks like you’re desperate to just be with any girl. It also could be a sign that you have no life. (back to point number 1!)

If you tend to give women too little attention, maybe you shouldn’t be dating right now. Every woman wants to be a top priority in a man’s life. If you’re single for awhile, you’ll probably get to the point where you realize you are ready to put a woman front and center in your life (unless you’re George Clooney!)and you’re willing to let a woman (the right woman) be your priority above your friends, hobbies and career. Until then, don’t even bother! Woman are so much work!

You’re just not her type

This is one you have no control over. Yes, some women do have types. Mine happens to be shy Caucasian brunettes who have some nerdiness and athleticism in them. Do I wish I didn’t have a type? Yes. Do I have any control who I’m attracted to? No. So oh well. You may or may not have a type. If you do, then you have to understand women do as well. If you don’t, it might not make sense, but hey, the heart wants what(or who) it wants:)

You don’t see her as an equal

If you don’t view women as equals, you’re not going to be able to hide this belief. I would have to say in this case, it’s not a matter of just changing your behavior, it’s a matter of getting to the root of the problem: distorted beliefs you picked up somewhere along the way. Read some books, talk to someone.

*personal note: Oh, Mr. Sleepless in Seattle, no wonder I’m just that into you! You are so amazing, and I want the whole world to know it:)

• money
• religion
• kids
• in-laws

(thanks for this Gabe!)

Read this ladies!

Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman. We know that. Somewhere down deep, we know this to be true. Most of our shame comes from this knowing and feeling that we have failed here. So listen to this: beauty is an essence that dwells in every woman. It was given to her by God. It was given to you…Beauty is powerful. Beauty may be the most powerful thing on earth.

• Beauty speaks.
• Beauty invites.
• Beauty nourishes.
• Beauty comforts.
• Beauty inspires.
• Beauty is transcendent.
• Beauty draws us to God.

As Simone Weil wrote:

The beauty of the world is almost the only way which we can allow God to penetrate us…Beauty captivates the senses in order to obtain permission to pass straight through to the soul…The soul’s inclination to love beauty is the trap that God most frequently uses in order to win it.

Beauty is the most essential and, yes, the most misunderstood of all the feminine qualities. We want you to hear clearly that it is an essence every woman carries from the moment of her creation. The only things standing in the way of our beauty are our doubts and fears, and the hiding and striving we fall to as a result…

So then you can see that when we speak about the essence of a woman–her beauty– we don’t mean “the perfect figure.” The beauty of a woman is first a soulish beauty. We know– it’s a harder jump to make. We’ve lived so long under the pressure to be beautiful. But stay with the thought for a moment, because it will really help. The beauty of a woman is first a soulful beauty. And yes, as we live it out, own it, inhabit our beauty, we do become more lovely. More alluring. As the poet Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote, “Self flashes off frame and face.” Our true self becomes reflected in our appearance. But it flows from the inside out…

The essence of a woman is Beauty. She is meant to be the incarnation–our experience in hman form— of a Captivating God. A God who invites us.

Your thoughts readers???

I had a friend come and visit me during the holidays. He brought two other guys with him. Usually, I get into this frantic cleaning mode and get all stressed out, until I realized something that I realize applies not only to having house guests, but also applies to dating.

It’s not about impressing people.

It’s not about entertaining people.

The focus should be about fun and friendship (or with dating– hanging out and getting to know people)

As soon as I realized that people are responsible for their own enjoyment on a date (or as my house guests) and I don’t need to impress anyone (I just have to be myself) I realized that people put their own set of pressures on themselves. They set out to impress instead of just being themselves. They make it their responsibility to make everyone happy and make sure everyone is enjoying themselves. Then they don’t enjoy themselves. It’s self-defeating and pointless. If you date someone who also thinks it’s your responsibility that you’re both having fun, it’s better to find out sooner than later so you can ‘call it a night’ early and move on to people who make having fun and enjoying themselves their own responsibility! And why try to impress? If you’re being yourself from the get-go, I think you’ll impress people because you’re self-assured and at peace with yourself. Now that’s attractive.

So, I encourage you to give yourself a little pep talk before every date. Repeat after me:

I’m here to have fun and enjoy myself, but I’m not responsible for any one else’s enjoyment or happiness. I’m here to get to know someone and allow them to get to know the real me, but I’m not here to impress them, put on a show, or entertain.

Reader Question:

Just wondering how can I be less “possessive?” My girl
thinks I am.

The Girl’s Answer:

The way to not be possessive is to show through your words and actions that you trust her completely. Don’t ask her where she’s going, what she’s doing, who she’ll be with. Let her always volunteer that information. When you demonstrate you trust someone, they are more likely (if they love you) going to follow suite and be trustworthy. When you give people breathing space, they will want to be with you more. Don’t volunteer advice unless she asks for it. Let her make her own decisions and let her know, “I trust you completely. Do what’s right for you. Just know I’m here for you if you need my advice or my opinion.”

I know how a non-possessive man acts because that’s all I’ve ever dated. Never fish for reasons to be jealous. Trust and give her the benefit of the doubt, ALWAYS. Then if she does something wrong, you know you come out the innocent, loving party.

Basically never ask her something out of your fear that she will do something wrong. Only ask her things if you are TRULY concerned about her well-being or just want to get to know her. Let LOVE dominate your words and your actions not a FEAR of losing her or a fear of her being unfaithful.

Also, you can just straight up ask her: What do I do or say that makes me seem possessive? Then correct that action:)

I also want to add this:

The key is not in saying the right things but in first thinking the right things. Your mouth opens to say words but the mouth only reveals the heart’s intentions. I find that people usually act out of love or fear. Possessiveness is acting out of fear. I’ve always cared more about a person’s intentions rather than just what their actions are.

Instead of making it a goal to not appear possessive, start at the root problem. For example, you don’t want to be a person who just says humble things, you want to be a humble person who automatically acts humble as a result.

In the same way, you don’t want to just play the part of a non-possessive partner, you want to be a non-possessive partner. That begins with thinking of your partner as trustworthy, letting her be free to live her own life and make her own decisions, and believing that she wants to be with you so you can be free to focus on loving her instead of monitoring her decisions.

Don’t let your fears (all possesiveness I believe has a root in fear) become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I notice in life people typically get what they expect. Expect that your partner cares for you and has the best intentions. Even in their humanness and mistakes, they wouldn’t do anything to purposefully harm or hurt you. The majority of the time these positive expectations become the reality.