Image by tony sak via Flickr

Sometimes it’s hard to comprehend “real” romantic love for some people. Especially once you’ve been really hurt, deceived, or abused by someone you felt strong love for at one point. I’ve often noticed (after the aftermath) that I had loved someone who really didn’t love me back with the same depth, or in the same way, if at all.

Is it possible that some people really aren’t capable of “real love”?

I think that our life stories are what dictate how we react to the world at any given time, and some people are more resilient than others. Personally, I’ve been told on several occasions that I’m viewed as a strong person. Even my ex (who is a Mama’s Boy with three older sisters and sure tried my strength) once told me that he felt I was the strongest woman (emotionally speaking) that he’d ever known, and he was surprised at my visibly broken heart. Wow… you know?

“One cannot give what one does not possess.
To give Love you must possess Love.”

“One cannot teach what one does not understand.
To teach Love you must comprehend Love.”

“One cannot know what one does not study.
To study Love you must live in Love.”

“One cannot appreciate what one does not recognize.
To recognize Love you must be receptive to Love.”

“One cannot have doubt about that which one wishes to trust.
To trust Love you must be convinced of Love.”

“One cannot admit what one does not yield to.
To yield to Love you must be vulnerable to Love.”

“One cannot live what one does not dedicate oneself to.
To dedicate yourself to Love you must be forever growing in Love.”

“Love” by Leo Buscaglia

Yes, I sure as hell think love is a real thing, and I think that as humans, we can love many, but only truly give our hearts to just one.

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You know, pretty as these boys are, not a single one of them can hold a candle to this guy. (No, not the photo with the goofy face - the one where he’s relaxed and holding a drink…….ahh, refreshing). Maybe I’m getting old, but I like men who look a little bit seasoned. I even like the mustache, but I am hoping that he is wearing some sunscreen. 

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It’s a show on E! Entertainment television featuring three young Playboy models who are Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends. I’ve watched the show a few times and I like the girls. They have an interesting relationship with Hefner. They are his girlfriends, but there doesn’t appear to be any sort of sexual spark between any of them. He really seems more like a nice, older man who wears his pjs all day and enjoys the company of buxom blondes. That’s a gig I’m sure a lot of guys could appreciate. 

Holly, the main girlfriend for 7 years, has mentioned wanting to marry Hefner, whom she calls “Puffin.” Hefner has explained that she’s the boss in some ways, she hosts the events and the other girls follow her lead.

Holly’s Puffin recently told US Magazine this:

“I love her very much, but you know, she wants very much to get married and have children. That isn’t very much in the cards for me,” he adds. “So there has to be a certain reality there. And I’m sure the time will come when she’ll be dating others. That’s part of the transition.” (He also confirmed the news to E!.)

Well, apparently Holly is a girlfriend no more. It’s been reported that she has moved out of the mansion and into a condo. I saw her on another E! show where she wouldn’t out and out admit that they were broken up, but she said something along the lines of watch the new season and you’ll find out. Then, she got all giggly and goofy when the host asked about her reported involvement with Criss Angel. (Criss Angel?? I question this woman’s taste.)   

Now I’m left wondering if a new girl is moving in? Or will Bridget and Kendra be involved in some sort of competition to become Girlfriend #1? Will Puffin ever marry again? 

How about you - would you be interested in being a “Girl Next Door”?

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Image via Wikipedia

Anyway, as we all know, hindsight truly is 20/20 (or better) and we often wind up kicking ourselves over and over in despise when we realize how stupid we were. So here is my current list of “dealbreakers”, based not only on that horrible relationship, but also on a couple dates I had since then with other guys. (Read more after the jump…)

• He hates your friends. Bigger red flag if he’s never met them or spent any normal amount of time with them. If he’s bashing them, judging them, or otherwise questioning why they’re in your life entirely, unless he’s got a good point, this is a big no-no. He’s trying to get you to focus your friendship quota on him and only him. It’s called being a CONTROL FREAK and is headed nowhere but to disasterous results.
• He calls you 14,375,829 times a day, even when you’re working. Being that I work from home, it’s always hard to convey to people that when I’m working, I’m working and can’t be disrupted too often. Sure, a morning call to say, “Have a great day,” or a lunchtime call to let me know you’re thinking of me is wonderful. Keeping me on the phone because you’re bored just flat out sucks the life out of me, mmkay?Again, I see this as a control issue - he wants your undivided attention and could care less about anything that might be important to you, like I don’t know… your paycheck.
• He calls you names, and they’re not cutesy. As I’ve mentioned before, my ex used to call me “fat bitch” at least 40-50 times a day (on our dozens of phone calls, and in person). When I finally started to exert my distaste for it, he defended himself with, “You know I’m only messing around.” Um, it’s like Pavlov’s dogs - repeat an action enough times, and the reaction will become second nature. I was conditioned to not only expect to hear it, but to believe it. And who wants to believe something like that?
• He refuses to accompany you to parties, gatherings, weddings, etc. every time. An important part of being a couple is to actually do things together, as a couple. It got to the point with me that my friends would joke that my boyfriend was imaginary. They knew me better than that, but without getting to know him or spend time with him, they only had phone conversations we had about him to make their decisions to accept or reject him. Of course, when they’d hear nothing but the bad stuff, they hated him regardless… and in my case it might’ve been more detrimental for him to have been able to fake them out with a shining personality. What really bothered me most is that there were important events that I wanted to share with him, and he’d not only refuse to go, but try to convince me not to go and to stay home with him instead. I gave up a lot of events in the beginning because I wanted to be with him, and I regret that so much.
• He jumps to exclusivity too soon. I mean, REALLY too soon. Typically, it’s us women who fear that we’ve done this and scared off the guy. But men are totally guilty of it too. They question why your profile’s still up on the dating site after your first date. They accuse you of talking to other guys when you really still have every right to. They start wanting to not only talk to you all day long, but even every day after date one, and they want to see you any free moment you have. These too, all signs of control issues (and some ways jealousy which can be dangerous) and should really scare the crap out of any woman.
• He keeps telling you that his family doesn’t like you, despite signs otherwise. He wants to be the one to say whether or not you’re going to be in his life. He doesn’t want you to bond too closely with his parents or siblings because he’s afraid that if he’s the one who screws up the relationship that he’ll never hear the end of it from his family. He wants you to be on edge, fearing that at any moment his mother could be the reason he’s no longer interested. This means, duh, that he’s not enough into you to know that he wants you as a long-term fixture in his life. If this is going on months into the relationship, then you need to bail out gracefully. No one should be made to feel they have to “perform” or meet someone else’s standards in order to keep a man. Period.
• He never spends any money on you, worse if it’s without a “deal”. Meaning that whole, “I’ll buy lunch (the cheaper meal), you buy dinner (the more expensive meal),” thing. Or, “I’ll buy the groceries, you cook (like a good little housewife should),” or “I can’t afford anything for Christmas, but I’ll get you back with interest on Valentine’s Day.” (And V-Day comes and you get nothing at all.) Sure, circumstances might make these things happen, but if it happens all the time, he’s flat out using you for your greenbacks. I once tallied up the total of what I spent versus what he spent over the course of the relationship. Yep, I’m the one who totally spent more - like, WAY more.

These are really just a few reasons. There are more obvious ones like physical abuse, stalking, threats, harassment… but these are some major dealbreakers for me at the moment. On top of mullets, non-white teeth, missing teeth, and lack of a job and car.

What are some of your major red flags?

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We’ve all seen some pretty awkward profiles out there.  The poster may be a nice enough person, possibly they are just a bit clueless.  You only get to make that first impression once.  If your profile is off-putting, you are selling yourself short and probably missing out on some good opportunities.

Some of the steps (well all of the steps that don’t involve checking boxes) can be a painful process. Getting it right is important, because don’t you stand a better chance of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right when you have a well-crafted profile?  

Are you interested in learning how to build a really interesting and compelling profile? If so, please read on…..

Username

The first step is to chose a unique username.  Chose something that highlights your personal interests, but doesn’t sound ridiculous or desperate. For example, I would avoid using the word, “babe” in any way.  No hikerbabe, bikerbabe, rollerbabe. Something like live2hike or bike2work, showcases your outdoor side and doesn’t sound overly cheesy. 

The Headline

The next important step is a headline. It needs to be intriguing enough to grab someone’s attention and leave them wanting more.  Again, avoid the ridiculous and/or desperate. If you are a man, please do not use the word, “teddy bear.”  If you are out of ideas, then do what  Datingmuse.com suggests:

If you get stuck, a favorite line from a song, book or movie can say lot about you – who you like and/or what you believe in - and stands out to other people who love it too.

Photos

Always post a photo.  Profiles with photos get viewed more often.  When I was using an online service, I didn’t even bother looking at profiles without photos. Chose a current photo that looks like you the way you look now.  Sure, you might have looked better 5 or 10 years ago, but that’s not going to be the face you wear when you meet your date. 

The Survey

Be honest when you are doing a personality survey.  Be yourself.  If you meet someone by pretending to be someone else then you are either stuck being that person or chances are things aren’t going to work out. There’s something out there for everyone. You are looking for the person you fit best with, not the one you want to talk into liking you under false pretenses. 

The Introduction

After preparing your introduction, reread it a few times.  Get a trusted friend’s input.  Use proper English, capitol letters when called for, and good punctuation. You want to stand out for your charm, not your inability to write a coherent sentence.  This goes for emails, as well. 

Do you have any talents or unique interests?  Sharing talents or special abilities in your intro will give interested parties conversation starters when they contact you.  For example, if you like to run with your black lab in the park, include that in your intro.  You will attract both fellow runners and dog fans. 

Be humorous, but remember that certain types of humor are better conveyed in person. 

This is not the time to harp on your last failed relationship. If you mention your ex too much - or at all - you run the risk of appearing to be either not over them or bitter.  Lines that start out, “Why do you men all….” are going to be interrupted negatively.  Wait until you meet a guy or girl before you lump them into a category. Better yet, avoid the lumping. 

This is your chance for a fresh start. Good luck!

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Image by d70focus via Flickr

1. No photos. Bad photos. Photos only of a car with some figure standing by it that I can’t see. Photos of a man parasailing, with his body a shadow against the summer sun. Worse? A photo of you with another woman, and I don’t care if it’s your sister or cousin. I don’t care if you’ve cut her out of the pic, either. The bottom line guys is that we want to see what you look like, naturally. Don’t try to hide your double chin, don’t shade out your face because your teeth are a little crooked. Don’t show me your dog or your car and NOT show me YOU. Everyone’s got different things they’re attracted to (or not) and all you’re telling me by not having a good, clear, smiling photo of you is that YOU don’t think you’re worth it. If you’re not worth it, how the hell am I going to be?
2. Old profiles. I love it when we’re in the thick of summer and I read, “With the holidays right around the corner…” about as much as I love going to the dentist. It tells me that you’ve had this thing up for quite some time, and haven’t made any effort to keep it up to date. My brain immediately goes to one of two options: a) You’re so busy “dating” so many women that you don’t care to impress me. or b) You’re so busy with your outside life that you don’t even respond to people or care about finding a girlfriend. Tie this in with the above issue (photos that show they were taken or uploaded years ago) and I’m REALLY not going to be interested.
3. Saying the same old, cliche things like “I enjoy long walks on the beach.” We don’t even HAVE real beaches around here, and that line makes you sound like a 70’s television sitcom to me. I want to know the nitty gritty about you, and I want to know what you REALLY like. Don’t think you can appease me by assuming what I like. Besides, what if I’m allergic to sea water? (I have a friend who is allergic to ANYTHING ocean.) I’m supposed to sit there and think, “Gee, this guy clearly loves the beach, and I can’t go. Maybe I should give it a shot anyway?” Nah. Don’t think so.
4. Using “Rather not say,” or “I’ll tell you later.” You know what? If you can’t be transparent about your marital situation, your child situation, whether or not you smoke, drink, or do drugs? I have no choice but to believe that you’ve got some bad crap to hide, and I want NOTHING to do with that. You can’t be honest on an online dating profile, what makes me think you’ll be honest in a relationship?
5. Back to the photos - Shirtless ones. Yuck. Not for nothing, I love a good, muscular body like the next girl, but guys, you look absolutely arrogant and ridiculous when you post every shirtless photo you own of yourself. You know how guys sometimes say that they like when a woman dresses sexy, not slutty? Well unless the kind of girl you’re seeking is the kind who only wants to put out for a night or two, then you need to leave a little to OUR imaginations. Yes, you work out hard. Yes, you’ve got a nice set of abs/pecs/guns/whatever… but I’m looking for something that goes much deeper than that. If you’re not, say so, so that I can be on my way.

So yeah, these are just a few things that annoy me, as a woman looking for a real relationship, about men’s profiles. I’m sure that some of these things don’t bother the hoochies that are looking to dig into a man’s wallet, or his pants, but yeah, these bother me.

Men, what bothers YOU about women’s profiles?

Ladies, can you add anything?

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Today Brett told me that they were all coming down on him. The girls were cranky all weekend, his Grandma was in tears just before work, and he and his wife had a “major blow-up” first thing in the morning. Brett likes to live a simple life. He takes care of his Grandma and his family, he works a few part-time jobs a day, and he’s been riding his bike all over town in an attempt to save on fuel costs. His wife, he can’t talk her into biking and it’s been a sore spot for them lately. She likes to do things like go out to lunch with her girlfriends. She also likes margaritas, but their blender is broken - I’m serious, this is something he has mentioned a few times, she really, really misses those margaritas. I say break down and buy a new blender - margaritas for some peace, man.

Brett is feeling a bit put upon. He said this to me today, “I have no faults. No bad habits. I don’t drink or smoke or gamble………” He also said this to me, “I told my wife, ‘we’ve been married for 15 years and we have the same fight over and over. We say the same words. We make the same points. The same fight. Over and over. I’m tired of this, I want to…..’” Here’s where I think he’s going to say something along the lines of “a break,” “a divorce,” something that signals that he’s had it, because he is very upset, but he doesn’t say that. Instead, he says he wants an end to the fight, he wants to solve the problem. This man, he would never think that of a break or leaving his marriage. He is married for life. He really doesn’t have any faults.

When I have a problem, I want out of the problem and too often that the way out of the problem is just plain out of the situation. I give up too easily. I think that in my relationship, some things need to change, but I think I need to stop looking for that handy door to freedom every time I get pissed. Even if this relationship does not work out, learning to dig in and see something through would benefit me in other areas. I need to lose a few faults, maybe be more like Brett, but with a working blender, because I really, really love my margaritas.  

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AKA MazerDesign via Flickr

I’ve been told on many ocassions that I’m a “natural flirt”. Unfortunately (sometimes) this attracts natural flirts of the opposite sex who have no intentions, they just flirt without realizing it. Or they misunderstand me, and think I’m interested (regardless whether they are or not, or I am or not) and react accordingly based on their interest (or lack thereof).

Personally, I don’t think that conscious flirting is really necessary. I think if as a woman, you’re attracted to a man, and you’re confident in who you are, then the whole thing comes so naturally that you don’t have to think about it. You can let a man know you’re interested without concentrating on it or trying too hard (which can often come off really, really badly).

AskMen focuses on silly things like “She draws attention to her mouth,” and that just tells me that they’re playing into the fantasies men have. You’re either an orally fixated person or you’re not. Personally, I’d change this one around to say, “She focuses on your mouth when you’re talking.” I say this because despite how much I consciously try to focus on a man’s eyes when I’m attracted to him and he’s talking to me, my gaze always fixates on his lips. Shoot, I just gave it away, didn’t I? ;)

In any event, like I said, I don’t really believe in trying to concentrate so hard on flirting. Likely because it’s just something that naturally happens with me, but moreso because I think that trying too hard to do anything is just bad.

1. Be comfortable in your own skin (and, in your fabulous outfit).
2. Be confident in WHO you are.
3. Smile.

As far as I’m concerned, that’s ALL you need to know. :)

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At the end of this long break, I began to meet men for coffee dates, and then I’d think, okay, I’m done - don’t need another “date” for a few months. I was out of practice and honestly not very interested in experiencing the stress that meeting these new people caused. I went out with one guy a couple of times, or really just once, but he insisted on being “my boyfriend,” even though I said, I do not want a “boyfriend.” It took me 2 weeks of a 3 week “relationship” to finally deliver that message. 

Then, pretty much by chance, I began talking to my ex-boyfriend from high school who lives in the next state. We started out as friends for a few months talking daily, then things progressed after he came for a visit in the Summer. We’ve been involved in a committed relationship for more than a year. In that time things have been either very, very natural and easy or very, very complicated and needlessly hard. 

I love him, but he does not making loving him very easy at times. Sometimes he ignores me. For days or even weeks at a time. I know that is not a good sign. When I talk to my girlfriends, I can hear in their voices and see on their faces that they are concerned for me, unsure why I continue. When he is here, he is wonderful. He gives all of us so much love, affection, attention, he cooks and…..it’s all so very, very good.  Then, he goes home and he goes back to work and he gets depressed. He works in a business that is affected, like so many are, by the current bad economy. He works many hours for too little money and he isn’t able to reach the goals that he has set for himself. 

I try to keep this in mind and to remember how he’s explained that it’s not about me, has nothing to do with me, but he does not live in a vacuum and I don’t ask for a lot. What I’d like is a phone call or two a week. A text message or two a week. A short email would be good. What do I get? Well, he did email me one time a couple of weeks ago. He called me about 8 days ago (after I had not spoken with him in more than a week), but he had to go right away and said he would call me back. He didn’t. He has not acknowledged any attempt I’ve made to contact him for more than a week. He is a salesman, his phone is on him at all times.  

When you are involved in a long distance relationship, there’s a certain amount of maintenance that is required or it doesn’t feel like much of a relationship at all.  I have tried to explain this to him. It wasn’t hard for him to do before. If his intentions have not changed, then why is it hard now?  His plan is for us to be together all the time someday. When?  In a year? In five years?  In ten years? In the meantime I’m supposed to live like this, feeling that I’m invisible and unimportant and not worthy of a two minute phone call? That sucks and I refuse to do it for too much longer. 

I thought that if I went into a relationship with the best of intentions and let my man be himself that it would work out okay.  I thought that if I had realistic expectations and thought of us in terms of a team, instead of just me, me, me, I thought it would be okay. I have done my best to be patient, to be open-minded, to be caring and respectful of his life and lifestyle. 

I’ve been living without a partner for 15 years and I’m ready for a change. I feel that somehow I have moved so far down his list that I don’t matter anymore. I’m tired of pep-talking myself, saying, oh he’s so busy, he’s so busy……… Who isn’t busy?  Who isn’t worried about the economy? Do these things really give him the excuse to be rude and careless with my feelings? Is a phone call a week asking too much?  I’ve been very clear about what I need from him. He knows it hurts me when he ignores me, because I’ve said, “Hey, it hurts when you do this.” 

A future with him could be wonderful if he’d let it be, but some people, they won’t let themselves be truly happy. I’m afraid that he’s one of those people - I’m afraid he’s too much with the self-sabotage. I don’t doubt his love when he’s here, but he’s here so infrequently. It’s just very hard to figure things out sometimes and I thought I’d write it all out here, see if I could get things straight in my head. It’s still not straight, but I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings.  

Have you been involved in a long distance relationship?  If so, is this the kind of thing that everyone in this sort of relationship goes through?

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