Do you consider yourself a “problem-solver”? In some ways, we all are.

But some men and women take problem-solving to a problematic extreme: those who lack the feeling of fulfillment in their lives develop a subconscious, obsessive problem-solving mindset. They eat, breathe and sleep on finding problems in their lives that are in need of solving.

But why? Feeling devoid of a genuine, fulfilling purpose in life, men and women subconsciously develop an impulsive need — an addiction — to finding problems that they perceive to need their solving. This unhealthy behavior exists unnoticed because it operates on a subconscious level. Finding issues and obstacles in their lives provides them with a sense of relief, release and purpose — a reason for living amid the monotony of what feels so unfulfilling.

If the problem so little as exists, then truly it must require some form of remedy or rectification, right? Not necessarily. Problems are inevitably bound to arise in our lives. The biggest problem is when we begin to see life as nothing more than a series of problems that are in need of solving.

A Problematic Purpose: Fueling the Addiction

Conflicts and confrontations occur everywhere: at work and at home, in our friendships and relationships, even occasionally with strangers on the street. When problems arise during the day-to-day of our lives, our first reaction is to set out to solve them: problem-solving is a natural tendency of our social behavior. We plot, we think, we discuss, we wonder, we question, we puzzle… we assess, we equate, we play out, we figure, we determine… We do whatever is in our power and whatever is required to solve that which plagues us.

When an obstacle arises, our natural tendency is to overcome it; that’s a testament to human nature’s willpower to fight, to survive, to persevere. But, when taken to the extreme, each day becomes little else than living from one problem to the next.

These men and women embody pessimism and worry and develop an anticipatory dread; a self-loathing outlook that expects conflicts and confrontations not simply because they are inevitable (such is the nature of life), but because they need problems to solve in order to have a purpose to live.

How to Find a Lasting Fulfillment

Without problems in need of solving, obsessive problem-solvers suddenly lose reason for being: they lose their purpose. Without obstacles and setbacks to overcome, the problem-solver thus begins to create issues, dilemmas and situations that don’t, shouldn’t, or otherwise wouldn’t exist. Obsessive problem-solvers create solve problems not because they are in need of solving, but because without their existence they have no other reason for living. And so the problem-solver’s addiction is fueled.

In order to avoid becoming an obsessive problem solver, we need to understand its origins. A person who depends on problems to retain a purpose in life develops the addiction when he or she already has a deep, dark worry, fear and doubt about his or her life’s purpose and value. Do you?

If you are worried about the so-called “value” or purpose of your life, firstly, you are not alone. Everybody worries about finding fulfillment and embodying a greater purpose at some point in our lives. Don’t create problems just for the sake of solving them. It’s detrimental addiction that fuels a fleeting, unfulfilling sense of purpose that will leave you feeling emptier than before.

The simple remedy is to find a lasting fulfillment. Of course it’s not easy, but finding fulfillment begins by simply exploring and investing proper time, energy and focus into your natural talents, passions, interests and hobbies in life. That which comes naturally to you will provide you with some feeling of serenity, inner peace and contentment. Explore them fully. Break the addiction to finding and solving problems.

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Life lessons can be found in the simplest of places.

Whether you frequent my blog or have merely stumbled upon it, chances are pretty good that you’ve spent some time searching for, reflecting upon or sharing valuable lessons about living a happy and well-balanced life.

There is no shortage of means through which we can learn an invaluable amount about ourselves, developing stronger senses of compassion and inner balance, and helping others lead better lives. Although we can discover life lessons through infinite avenues — in texts, movies, the workplace, in our relationships and so much more — we can learn amazingly valuable life lessons from nature, especially when we observe the characteristics of flowers.

Embrace the Sun (Focus on the Good)

Flowers grow towards the sun. They embrace the light that shines, which they depend upon for life. As human beings, we too must focus on the light. The light of human life is not physical brightness and sunshine, but the light that constitutes illuminated virtues of goodness, generosity, happiness, moral integrity and good will. We must always focus on the positive and good. Life is difficult and, at many times and in many instances, certainly dark and depressing. But without the darkness there could never be light. Like flowers, we must always embrace the sun and focus upon the good, in spite of the darkness that we are sure to endure.

Human emotion and feeling are genuinely contagious. As human beings, our mental and emotional well-being is  influenced by the happiness or sadness of others around us. As flowers embrace the sun, the lesson taught to us by nature is to always be reminded of, to reflect upon, and to cherish the light that shines in our lives. Without this integral focus on all that is good and positive in life, our own happiness wanes and we cannot aptly be a source of light for others; those who suffer in darkness and long to grow towards the sun.

Be the Warmth (Nurture Your Compassion)

Flowers need warmth to awaken from the winter’s frost, to sprout and to grow to their fullest potential. Human beings likewise need the warmth of human compassion, kindness and understanding to develop into their fullest, happiest and most balanced states of being. Right from our births, compassion from our mothers and fathers are required for our survival: without parents to protect us and provide for us, human babies cannot survive.

Compassion nurtures human happiness; it isn’t an emotional “bonus” that, if we’re lucky, we might experience in our relationships — immediately from birth, compassion is an absolute necessity for our very survival. As flowers need the warmth to grow, develop, and become whole, nature likewise teaches us that nurturing the warmth of compassion is an unmistakable, irreplaceable element of personal happiness, healthiness and lasting relationships.

Open Up (No Matter What’s Inside)

Flowers bloom regardless of the looks of their faces, no matter their true colors. Although the faces that flowers display are physical and visual only, every human being owes it to oneself to open up and fully embrace one’s uniqueness — to accept, appreciate, and maximize who you are on the inside.

Every person is completely unique, both in physical appearance and in personality. In order to live the happiest, healthiest and fullest of lives, we owe it to ourselves to fully explore who we are: our interests, our passions, our fears, our strengths, and our weaknesses. Through opening up — no matter what is on the inside — we can learn a vast amount about ourselves. By maximizing our strengths, minimizing our weaknesses, and finally harnessing our interests and passions, we give ourselves the greatest opportunity to be happy, balanced, and fulfilled in life. Doing so also allows us to provide happiness and balance to the men and women around us whom we care about.

Stand Tall (In Spite of the Fall)

Flowers grow to their highest height, in spite of the fact that come winter, they shall wither and die. Flowers grow, live, and thrive regardless of their finiteness; their mortality. No different, we as human beings will all encounter the inevitable.

In our society, so much about our lives surrounds pursuits: pursuing dreams and goals, pursuing careers, pursuing a soul mate and the perfect relationship, pursuing a family, and so on. The pursuit-oriented nature of our lives places so much focus on the end goal — the objective, the sought-after achievement of our pursuits. But what about the pursuit itself?

Each flower has a purpose. In spite of the inevitability of their demise, they live because they can. In our lives, there are many passions and interests and noble objectives to pursue. As we seek out different achievements and successes, we must always remember that we live because we both have purpose and because we can. Grow strong and stand tall. Become the best “you” that you can be. Embrace the life lessons that nature provides us: bloom into your fullest and most vibrant of colors.

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Last week, I had the honor and pleasure of having a written contribution posted on the popular personal growth blog, LifeOptimizer.org.

In the piece entitled, 7 Ways to use Humor to Make New Friends, the mission was simple: explain to readers how being positive, utilizing humor and embodying a lighthearted attitude are naturally attractive and can thus be the means to create new friendships with others.

Although the only goal of the blog post was to denote the simple ways that humor can help make new friends, the piece began to take a life of its own: as I reflected upon personal experiences of meeting and befriending new people, I quickly realized that the traits that comprise what we commonly understand to be a humorous, lighthearted attitude (positivity, happiness, openness, authenticity, humility, etc) are, in and of themselves, the means to forge genuine, meaningful and lasting connections to others:

…There is something special and sacred amongst human beings when it comes to sharing happiness and positivity. When you share laughter and joy with others, they become happier themselves and desire to share more of the same with you in the future.

Humor is not only a great way to make friends because people are naturally attracted to positivity, happiness, and laughter; these simple methods that help bridge a social disconnect between people and overcome awkwardness with strangers further reveal that humor and happiness forge a subtle but powerfully meaningful connection to others.

Happiness and Sadness are Contagious

Utilizing humor is one simple way of inviting others to want to be around you, and thus, helps create new friendships. But, on another “deeper” level, the attitudes and emotions that comprise a typically “humorous” nature like positivity, happiness and openness help create meaningful connections to others that have the ability to last a lifetime: happiness and positivity tap into a greater, universal appreciation of life. The pursuit of happiness is a uniquely human characteristic; an unmistakable component of the human psyche and the human soul.

As more time progresses, growing scientific research is developing to corroborate what many men and women over history have long understood: human emotion, behavior, and feelings are contagious. We discussed this sensation months ago here on DaveUrsillo.com (see “Becoming a Conduit of Happiness“) and now even more research has been published to shed light on the contagious nature of human happiness and sadness:

“This is the first time this contagion has been measured in the way we think about traditional infectious disease,” said biophysicist Alison Hill of Harvard University. Data in the research in the July 7 Proceedings of the Royal Society comes from the Framingham Heart Study, a one-of-a-kind project which since 1948 has regularly collected social and medical information from thousands of people in Framingham, Massachusetts.

Earlier analyses found that a variety of habits and feelings, including obesity, loneliness, smoking and happiness appear to be contagious. In the spread of happiness, the researchers found clusters of “infected” and “uninfected” people, a pattern considered a “hallmark of the infectious process,” said Hill. “For happiness, clustering is what you expect from contagion rates. Whereas for sadness, the clusters were much larger than we’d expect. Something else is going on.”

As more and more scientific research is released to corroborate a long-understood, human appreciation and attraction to others who are happy, is it any question how humor and positivity attract new friends or forge lasting and meaningful connections?

Focus Not on Humor Alone, But All That Comprises It

When we intently and purposefully focus on using humor to forge quiet but meaningful connections with new people, the secondary or unintended effect is that we are subconsciously obliging the workings of our minds to become more positive: you will gradually become more positive in your thinking and behavior because a sense of humor is really just indicative of one’s personal happiness. Thus, you’re nurturing a more attractive and more “contagious” demeanor.

Just as we seek out happiness in our daily lives through fulfilling work, hobbies, personal interests and family life, so too do humans seek out and wish to be surrounded by happiness on an interpersonal level: happiness and sadness are contagious, and we all wish to catch the happy bug.

Humor helps forge friendships because we wish to surround ourselves with people who are happy. Therefore, our goal shouldn’t only be to use humor to make new friends, but to focus on all of the positive attitudes and emotions that comprise a humorous and lighthearted nature. By embodying happiness, positivity, lightheartedness, openness and humility, we nurture a stronger and more “contagious” state of being.

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No sooner than my asking the question above on Twitter did a complete stranger, perhaps in his mid-forties, walk past me and begin to speak.

“Good morning,” the man remarked. “Beautiful day, isn’t it?” “No complaints,” I replied in agreement.

Book in lap, I found myself on a park bench that morning, overlooking a small public beach. On some days, usually in the early mornings, I like to seek out places of solitude to read or just be in the quiet. Doing so helps me when I’m lacking direction or motivation, if my focus is in need of adjustment or I feel the need to find better balance within my own head.

Was it Something that I Said?

Apparently, my simple response was enough of an invitation for the man to stop in his tracks, turn around a few steps and sit beside me on the same bench. My immediate reaction — similar, I think, to the reaction of other people in that type of situation — was to suddenly feel quite uncomfortable.

In this day and age, we condition ourselves — out of the feeling of necessity; for the sake of our self-preservation — to be so cautious, protective, cynical and always on guard. Thus, what would ordinarily be a relatively simple and harmless social situation (someone sitting beside you on a park bench) becomes something more: a potential threat. My immediate reaction of discomfort began an inner dialogue:

What did I say that made him turn around and sit next to me? Maybe he’s just trying to be nice? Is he strange? Is something wrong with him?

And so fear began to permeate every facet of my mind. Were I not such a… strapping, muscular, intimidating badass of a young man… I would have likely just stood up and left. When in doubt, we often abandon such uncomfortable, public social situations for it is the easiest choice and certainly the safest.

“…Cultivate genuine meaning…”

Wait. Was it really just a moment earlier that I had asked the world at large to consider the radical notion and positive implications of striving to cultivate genuine meaning in every single human interaction that we encounter?

I opened the book in my lap, The Art Of Happiness by the Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso and psychiatrist Howard Cutler (which has sparked a lot of thoughts, blog posts and video blog episodes of mine lately). Coincidentally, the pages to which I opened detailed Doctor Cutler questioning the Dalai Lama about how men and women can begin to treat others with compassion.

According to the Dalai Lama, compassion is one of the integral — if not the most important — components of fostering stronger friendships and relationships and establishing happier lives for ourselves and those around us. The question for Doctor Cutler, however, was how we enable ourselves to feel and be more compassionate toward others — especially strangers.

Back to the park bench: Here I was sitting beside a stranger whose very presence has sparked a natural chain of thoughts of worry, concern and self-preservation. I forced my mind to stop in its tracks. I paused for a moment and began to consider a mantra that I often recall whenever my ego feels insulted at another person’s selfish behavior or disregard for others:

• Rather than taking the words or actions of a stranger as a personal insult, consider that the stranger’s behavior may be indicative that he or she is suffering through the worst day of his or her life.

Is it extreme to think in this way? No: to consider that someone else may be suffering so incredibly is not to simply excuse or justify his/her indecent behavior, but rather to oblige oneself to feel compassion towards others. In other words, your intent is not to blindly condone rudeness, but to deny your ego‘s feelings of offendedness and to willingly inject a more compassionate attitude within you towards others.

How could I treat this man with compassion?

I began to think, “What if this man is in desperate need of help? What if he needs and longs for little more than the ears of another? Of someone? Of anyone? I imagined that this human being beside me — no longer a “stranger” — was suffering his worst day. What if his life, his faith in others, or his very future depended on one seemingly meaningless interaction with a stranger on a park bench one summer’s morning?

The odds or likeliness of it being true did not matter. When you envision another human being as truly suffering and in need of being saved, you realize that you have the choice to either hope to not make it worse, or try to make it better. And if the difference was between me feeling uncomfortable or hoping to help the life of a human being in need, I would face it gladly (that’s something that it doesn’t take a Renegade to believe).

Just another soul longing for Happiness

Minutes passed. The man beside me made some passing remarks about what was occurring around us: a woman on horseback by the water’s edge; the size of the harbor across the bay, and so on. He saw the book, The Art Of Happiness, in my hands and brought up how he sees some people who always seem to be happy. “I wonder their secret,” he asked (was a lack of happiness, I wondered, what he was suffering from?). I replied, according to the Dalai Lama happiness isn’t something you “have” or “haven’t,” but a state of being that can actually be practiced and conditioned, like any hobby or sport. With practice, I continued, happiness can become the natural status quo, rather than a distant mindset that we live our lives struggling to attain.

Minutes more passed before he finally stood, shook my hand, and went on his way.

I suppose I am an idealist (I’ve been described as such), but I think these kinds of interactions can reap radical goodness and happiness for others and ourselves — if we are brave enough to face them and fight the cynic within us that urges us to run away. Such tests of our character and dedication to the ideals we hold dear can only come about when we are taken out of our comfort zones and gauge our natural reactions. Based upon the way I initially reacted, I’ve got quite a long way to go. But in the mean time, if that man whom I’ll probably never see again was suffering on his worst day, I know I did my best to treat him with compassion.

Photo credit: Post-processed and edited rendering of “Compassion (Dalai Lama)” by Shepard Fairey.

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The human mind and the human heart are distinctively different, separate, but equal originators for our human behaviors.

On a biological level, all of our emotions and every decision that we make originate in varying areas of the brain; what we synonymously refer to as “the human mind.” Our thoughts and feelings technically originate in the exact same place.

But on a distinctively “human” and spiritual level, it feels as if “the human mind” (logic, intellect, and rationalization) and “the human heart” (emotion, instinct, and nature) operate separately but parallel within us: they are different but equally strong and parallel forces that influence and affect how we live, act, and speak. It also seems as if these two distinct sides to ourselves have equal influence in our thoughts and actions, and could be the very cause of severe inner conflict and turmoil that we often feel within us.

The subtle but powerful differences between “the mind” and “the heart” aptly relate to our ongoing discussion about human behavior, self-improvement and personal development here on DaveUrsillo.com.

Although our minds (logic, intellect, rationalization) and our hearts (emotion, instinct, individual nature) influence us to feel, think and act in opposing ways, we can ultimately make better decisions by combining them to create mental-emotional synergy. But how do we combine opposite forces that influence our behavior?

Developing Mental-Emotional Synergy

Envision the traditional Taoist symbol called a Taijitu (often incorrectly referred to as a “ying/yang” symbol). The symbol represents the concepts of “yin” and “yang,” or how polar opposites and seemingly contrary forces are always interconnected and interdependent in the natural world. In other words, in nature, what appear to be opposites often give rise to each other.

When we discuss mental-emotional synergy, we are likewise considering two seemingly contradictory, natural forces — the human mind and the human heart — as interconnected sources of our individual behaviors. There cannot be one without the other, and each necessarily gives rise to its apparent opposite.

The ideal goal is to develop a mental-emotional synergy within us, a conscious decision is to melt the two opposites into one; to discover and nurture symmetry, balance and harmony amid two conflictual opposites. And when our minds and our hearts begin to work together — off one another rather than against one another — we can make stronger, more sound decisions that will improve the quality of our lives, every day.

And thankfully, developing mental-emotional synergy is really much simpler than it might seem. It begins with three simple steps:

Step 1) Identify the Primary Motivator: Head (Logic) or (Emotion) Heart?

Depending on the conflict or situation at hand, you need to first identify whether your primary response is driven by your “head” (logic, intellect, rationalization) or your heart (emotion, instinct, and nature). Here are some examples:

• You have been dating someone for several months and have grown very attached to them. However, you’re about to move across the country and realize that, as much as you care for the other person, the distance will give way to too much suffering and ultimately cause the relationship to slowly and painfully end. In this situation, logic and rationalization are primarily influencing you over your emotional love and attachment to the other person.

• You have worked at the same job for three years and are making a $50,000 salary. The job is grueling, demands long hours, and you’re not very happy there. You are thinking of quitting this job for another, and although the hours are better and you think you will be happier, the salary is $40,000 per year. In this situation, you are logically assessing whether you value job flexibility and personal happiness over the decrease in pay, which will cause financial impacts on your life.

• You have recently suffered from a bad breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend who dumped you. You were very hurt at how the situation ended. Suddenly, you bump into the boy/girlfriend in a social setting and react aggressively or dramatically in front of a large crowd. In this situation, your emotion superseded logic, which would have dictated prudence and good-judgment and helped you not cause an embarrassing scene (however warranted it felt).

Step 2) Assess and Inject Secondary Motivator

The second step is to assess how the secondary motivator, or the opposite of the primary motivator, is influencing the situation, if at all (remember: the head is opposite the heart, and the heart is opposite the head). How is the other motivator impacting you? Is it at all?

• If your emotions are driving your thoughts, words and behaviors, is logic or prudence interjecting?
• If rationalization wants you to play-it-safe, is another instinctual side of you saying the opposite?

After assessing whether or not a secondary motivator is influencing you, if its opposite is absent, then you need to forcefully inject it into your thoughts and deliberations.

Step 3) Create Mental-Emotional Synergy:

Remember that our goal is to develop an ideal process through which we make better, smarter decisions that will best benefit us and those we care about the most. Mental-emotional synergy is when both our heads and our hearts work together, complimenting each other rather than against each other.

We create mental-emotional synergy by making the conscious decision — the choice — to not think in terms of mutual exclusivity: that we must either think with our head, or act on our hearts. We can melt the two opposites into one. Simply with this realization and by choosing to assess the influence of our minds and hearts on our behaviors and attitudes, we begin to discover and nurture symmetry, balance and harmony amid two seemingly conflictual opposites. When our minds and our hearts work together, off one another and not against one another, we deny inner conflict, create mental-emotional synergy and foster inner peace.

Without a doubt, mental-emotional synergy will help us all make better decisions that will improve the quality of our lives, every single day.

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