The brilliant blather of Baker

WE NEED TO RETURN TO TELLING THE TRUTH AND DOING WHAT WE SAY FOR THE PRICE WE PROMISED

2012-01-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

I think society really started to crumble when the first person successfully sued for a bad referral. I don't know who or when that was, but in my grandfather's day he kept his employees in line in part by them knowing if they stole, they would be fired and that they stole would be told to anyone who called so that employee would not dare list www.kinneydrugs.com as a past employer.

Part of the punishment for stealing was not just being fired, but that you also lost the right to claim that employer.

Fast forward to today, and HR departments have classes on how to not say anything bad about a terrible past employee. Rowland-Hall fired a woman for insane fraud on her resume and because her old employers all sued her and signed NDAs when she sued back using a disability ploy, no one could tell Rowland-Hall that this new principal, I think, of the lower-school under that silly Alan guy who RUNS OUT OF THE SCHOOL when the fire alarm goes off and DRIVES TO THE OTHER CAMPUS

Nice, eh?

Well this women snakes her way in, then sues the school back and gets a settlement again for her disability which seems to be lying, mostly. Then what does Rowland-Hall do? The same thing all the other schools did, certify the woman worked there for one winter. Then she does it again and again and again....

I think we should go back to that HONESTY IS THE ULTIMATE, UNASSAILABLE DEFENSE. Unlike today when, as my good friend Brady Toensing said, "If being right got you anywhere ... I'd carry a video camera around with me twenty-four seven."

Well David Charles Baker almost does do that and also has a near-total recall of any thing he found interesting. And he has found it interesting that lying works better than the truth these days.

Reverend David Charles Baker has been called by a high power to speak the truth to the dimwitted masses and try to get them to see the light:

FOX NEWS really is lying.

REAL ESTATE is the most crooked profession on earth where the buyers agent and the sellers agent and the appraiser all collude to get the buyer to pay more than he can afford for a house larger than he needs. It's like used car salesman telling you they are going to go "get you the best deal from the manager," and then they run your credit to see if they can get you to pay more for anything.

THAT SELF HELP STUFF/GOLD/SILVER INVESTING/MAKE MONEY AT HOME STUFF are all scams. It only makes money for the person selling it. I ask you: what big star, what big money investor, what person you respect in whatever self-help scam you prefer (realty: name ONE big time realty investor who has lasted over ten years and started with a seminar, company CEO: name ONE big time CEO who has lasted more than 10 years who started with a seminar? name ONE big time investor who make any money ever on gold or silver?

Silver especially is for suckers... the only two who almost made a ton on it were also trying to do it dishonestly: Nelson Bunker Hunt and his brother Bill back in Thursday, 27 March 1980. Do you remember that? I do. Because I have nearly total recall for anything like that I found interesting.

I also found it interesting when I used to watch CNBC 12 hours a day during the boom that a commentator mentioned how gold was down now that the economy was going better and there's "honest money to made in a boom economy so the gold and silver folks fold their tents. You know, it's classic for almost this entire century when there is a downturn, the gold and silver brokers come out and prey on the end of the world types. At the end of the world, who is going to take your bag of gold dust? No one. We're still going to be using money, just at what exchange rate. The only people who every make money on these swings are the gold mines and the broker selling the gold to [the sucker]."

Makes sense, right? "Hi, our economy has collapsed I know, but I would like a gallon of gas for $40. Do you take gold dust?"

When the laughter stops, and you're outside with your bag of gold dust, think about this: how would anyone know it was real? How would you weight it?

"HONEY,the world economy is in free-fall and the US is about to go as well, so QUICK, let's run out and get a couple of kits to verify gold quality as well as some scales for anything from dust to big bars."

No, everyone is going to run to the bank and get CASH OUT because that is something we all understand.

The best thing anyone reading this could do is do what I did: I took the family silver in and sold it for $2,400 by weight. Some sucker is going to pay $10,000 to buy it back in silver bars from The Franklin Mint and the like.

Meanwhile, I was "the mine" and made out like a bandit.

DO NOT BE A SUCKER! Be a critical thinker. Think thinks through to the end. Invest in only what you know. If you don't know what derrivities are, don't invest in them. You need to be able to assess how whatever you have bought is doing. If you aren't sure, buy whatever Buffet buys or try a power company. They have sweet monopolies and some still pay dividends.

CALL OUT TO EVERYONE WHO HAS CHEATED ME OR STILL OWES ME MONEY:

2012-01-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

I am coming for each and every one of you.

If you want to escape my wrath, simply show up and give me my due with a lavish apology and I will likely forget about you.

Meanwhile, here's who I am teeing up today:

COLEMAN, DANGER, realtors, self-help scammers, gold/silver. See http://davidcharlesbaker.blogspot.com/2012/01/we-need-to-return-to-telling-truth-and.html

TOP THIS FOR MEAN:

2012-01-29T09:47:00.001-07:00

I used to say my mother was the second meanest person on earth after Mona Russell Sharkey, the 400 lb ball of hate that was my first baby sitter (and who, laughably, filed a TRO against me that the Millcreek Police were too timid to deliver in person so they tossed it in my mailbox and ran).

Susan decided she wanted number one by marrying, at physical age 77 and mental age 6, Donald Foster-Gross, a man who has been grifting her since I was born. I had recently said he was the man I detested most on this earth so without telling me, my mother made the worst possible person my step-dad.

Not to be outdone, however, David Charles Baker does not cower. I intend to take the top stop from my mother promptly. Today, 29 January 2012, is her 77th birthday. In honor of it, I just sent this email:

Date: Sun, Jan 29, 2012 at 8:33 AM
Subject: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
To: susabee35@gmail.com

I have decided that there is only one way to beat you and I have been thinking about it since I was 15 and Steven Riggall talked me out of it because he said it would be to horrible to do to my father. But he's gone now and you are a miserable, demented human who has tortyured me all my life and I vow the final revenge.

I am going to kill myself in a spectular and gruesome fashion outside a hospital with a request that all my organs be donated.

Kelli is aware of the time and place.

Please play this at my service:

http://davidbaker.com/ripDCB/timeISfunnyTHATway.mp3 (it's my cousin Cecelia singing and she sang it at my cousin Brian Smith's funeral, her uncle).

Don't send the cops by, it will just upset the neighbors again and embarrass them. Janet did it, Mona did it, I have a standing order for them to stay from my house OR ELSE. Call them and see if they want another false call from a deranged woman with a made up email.

Once I am dead, you literally have no friend on this earth you do not pay. I wonder how that will feel for you... you are so soulless you probably will just be glad I'm out of the way completely now.

What do you think? Properly nasty to take the title? Do you know what 3 kids says? Mom only wanted two. Two kids? Mom only wanted one? One kid? Mom didn't want any.

My mother and I are both only children. So is my wife. Neither of our mothers wanted us. My mothers mother didn't want her.

It's tragic and wrong how my mother has treated me for 46 years. I just hope there is time in her life left for me to give back everything with interest.

BURNING MAN ESTATES: A GATED COMMUNITY

2012-01-28T08:01:00.001-07:00

The registration period for the Burning Man 2012 Rich Men Rule Again Ticket Scam wrapped up last Sunday night and the new rave promoter is currently running each card for maximum credit line.

Once the top 25% is culled, top tier tickets will be sold to them along with offers of all the new BURN-WEAR clothing and accessories you can buy as well as the VIP early entry/exit/reentry passes which have been available for years but under-cover to keep the illusion Larry wasn't just in it for the money once it jumped the shark for him at the turn of the century).

This VIP ACCESS/NO SEARCH/NO WAIT PASS, now sold as a vendor pass (http://eplaya.burningman.com/viewtopic.php?t=35187 - but the rich folks have always used it to get in and out fast/early/late, whatever they and their money want,), will be offered to the top 25% directly as a way to bypass the search of the fancy RV so it does't get all dusty from the feet of strangers.

You simply drive by the main entry, drive 7 miles up on payment, and enter using the shortcut which runs one quarter mile from the road to about 7 o'clock the puts you right from the access road to playa action in 5 minutes flat.

Then the ticket vendor will clean up the registrant database, including sending all Centurion Card holders offers for buy ten, get ten free ticket offers and removing known scammers with low credit, before we do the drawing for the 900 people who get each of the other tiers so the promoters can say honestly they sent some out (they "never reveal actual figures" for a faked privacy issue; this also allows them to simply swap the numbers when the pay their cuts and tell everyone they owe money to that it was mostly the lowest tier and only 900 at the top).

Fake lists made up by January 31 and sent February 1 but without the new catalog of goodies and VIP offers.

They don't want that stuff getting out easily to the bottom 1% and those who think there really is still luck left in anything to do with computers or money. The dealer and the MAIN FRAME always win.

The above was translated using the Incredible Brain of Reverend David Charles Baker and his amazing ability to over-hear things and to know how things work and can translate items like this for you with 99.99999 (5!) % accuracy.

Write-in "David Charles Baker" on Tuesday, 6 November 2012.

Everything I produce will say it straight the first time so you won't need me to translate for you.

Here is how they said it:

http://blog.burningman.com/2012/01/news/burning-man-2012-tickets-after-the-main-sale/

HOW I WOULD SOLVE THE CREDIT CARD SWIPING DELAY

2012-01-27T07:35:00.003-07:00

President David Charles Baker would start the United States Bank + Trust + Savings + Loan + Credit Union which will issue an ATM/MasterCard with FOUR STRIPS ON IT!

How tough would that be? It would cost pennies and save billions in lost hours waiting for idiots to figure out how to run a piece of plastic through a slot matching up the line with the strip. Few can do it, we've tried for decades to teach them, I'm going to give up and make the card idiot-proof.

Write-in DAVID BAKER for PRESIDENT. See www.zombieDISPOSAL.org for more.

HOW TO TELL A MARRIED MAN HAS KIDS?

2012-01-27T06:39:00.005-07:00

He's on the golf course Sunday morning!

Jenny Baird

I love Sunday mornings! My favorite time of the week. Ahhhhh

BURNING MAN: TAKE THIS YEAR OFF and see if it has jumped the shark

2012-01-27T06:21:00.004-07:00

Now that Larry Harvey has cashed out and stashed the money in the ultimate tax shelter, a non-profit, and an official rave promoter is in charge of Burning Man.... it may have finally jumped the shark.

Now rather than volunteering your time for the founder of IBM, if you will, you will be volunteering for IBM the corporation. It's essentially the same, you volunteer your time for the profit of another, but it feels different when it's your buddy and his company than when you buddy sells the company to a corporation and wants you to keep volunteering for the corporation. The chores may be the same but the "feeling" is vastly different.

For me it seemed OK before because you get a cool shirt and a pass to the mess hall and it's Larry! Everyone knows Larry - he started Burning Man on my beach after-all, BAKER BEACH in California.

Who among us wold begrudge the man ten million bucks profit for starting such a cool party.

But do you really want to volunteer for the Electric Daisy Carnival D/B/A/ Burning Man?

Do you really want to get in their lottery only to be surprised by a charge on your card, or not, later on?

By making it a lottery, it makes it impossible to track what's going on unless you work there. Obviously they are just "fixing" it so they can sell tickets as they choose and not use the tiered system that Larry and the boys used. First, they sell as many of the most expensive tickets that they can get people to buy, then the next level until sold out. They will likely sell only a few hundred at the bottom tier just so they can say they did with the rest going at the top two tiers.

I'd say wait this one out overall.

The way they are selling tickets at the highest tier first ensures the most obnoxious PREVOST/MONARCH motor coach cretins will be the first ones there, all dressed in their tourist uniforms and asking where the trash cans are.

The most fun would be working GATE when they come in. I watched one women say, "Take you shoes off before you come in," as she was putting down a towel on the stairs to her half million dollar rolling condominium. If only I could have heard what the guy said just before trudging up her steps in filthy boots clumped with playa leaving nice tracks on the white carpet leading in to the mirrored monstrosity that was about to be covered in playa that literally can never be fully removed.*

As the old saw goes, all good things must come to an end. Burning Man was best from the start until about 40,000 claimed attendees. I'm sure it was FAR higher at that point as the people collecting the money always lie about the count to the share of the people getting the money.

Then when they were ready to sell, they gave it as much publicity as possible, grew it huge, capped it, sold it and now... now it may really have jumped the shark.

We need a little less praying and hugging and a little more using our noodle:

COMMON SENSE SAYS THIS YEAR WILL SUCK.

New owner, new rules, new confusion. Never buy the first model of anything is sage advice for just about ever occasion, including 50,000 person costume-party raves in the desert.

Was it not the goal for regionals to take over? THIS IS THE YEAR! Every regional in the United States should schedule for the same weekend he man burns and boycott the new ticket rules - and teach the new promoters that Burners won't be played for suckers.

Write-in David Charles Baker for POTUS 2012.

*I have a GMC Yukon XL that has driven 7 dogs over 100,000 around this country, much of the time wet, and one detailing turned the truck to smelling like new. But I took it to The Burn twice and had it detailed for between $150 and $250 six times at three different places and it STILL smells like playa sometimes. Always rent: http://www.ruggedrental.com/ For the outside, go here: http://bestofbaker.blogspot.com/2012/01/best-car-wash-on-earth-travel-clean-in.html

CHRISTMAS TREE BURN TIME AGAIN!

2012-01-17T08:56:00.002-07:00

CHECK YOUR WEATHER HERE:
http://www.wunderground.com/US/UT/Grantsville.html

Saturday, January 21, 2012 from 4:00pm until 12:30am at
Bonneville Sea Base

It’s time to burn the Christmas trees again!

Bring your spare trees to Seabase with you and they will be stacked with all the rest and then burned for the enjoyment of all, the air be damed.Seabase has graciously given the burn mostly for free, and officially charging means the tax max wants a cut so everyone just calls tickets "donations" not to get around that. The "donation" for this event is $7 and should be paid in the dive shop and in exchange you a plastic cup filled with brown hot liquid. The donation will help to recover the cost of insurance.

Kids are welcome, just keep an eye on them there are things for them to fall in. As with years past, pot luck will be happening in the dive shop.

We will have burn barrels going as well and will be lighting the fire at 2100 hours. Any trees that come after that will be used to keep the fire warm.

See http://element11.org/announcements/ for any updates.

https://www.facebook.com/events/200184390078103/

Where my mother lives, in White River Junction, Vermont they burn tress as well:

Friday, the 6 January 2012 was its the Annual Christmas Tree Burn at the Main Street Museum - www.mainstreetmuseum.org / 802.356.2776

ADVICE TO FIRST TIME SHOOTERS OUT WITH Reverend DCB

2012-01-15T09:14:00.002-07:00

ADVICE FOR FIRST TIMERS: wear a glove on the hand NOT pulling the trigger (right handers, this means WEAR A GLOVE ON THE LEFT HAND).

It will keep the powder burns from the first time you fire my 44. MAG from burning your hand. The perfect glove would be a ultra-thin leather number.

And black is always best (for clothes as well, it not only makes you look slimmer, it hides the blood).

Write-in Reverend David Charles Baker for POTUS 2012 and get him the heck out of Utah!

2012-01-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

404:

The first 4 indicates a user error or, in technical terms, one of these three things: PIBCAK, PEBKAC or PICNIC.

The middle 0 refers to a general syntax error.

The last 4 just indicates the specific error in the group of 40x, which also includes 400 through 499, incomplete. There are many other fun codes, see them here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_HTTP_status_codes

Write-in Reverend DAVID CHARLES BAKER for POTUS on Tuesday, 6 November 2012.

He's the smartest man running, knows they aren't internets, it's just one, and it's not tubes. And Gore was misquoted - don't try that with me. I'm not a pussy like he is.

HOW TO NEVER GET BORED IN LIFE: never do the same thing twice

2011-12-06T05:56:00.001-07:00

On the jellyfish12000.com - the last time The Red Party was fun.

Unless you REALLY, REALLY love it. Then do it until you're sick of it. And move on.

Here are some pictures of how my wife and I like to mix it up to keep it from it getting rote which leads to rot in a relationship:
https://picasaweb.google.com/112471591135159008990/KELLIDAVID

"Remember, rote leads to rot in a relationship. Keep it changing to keep it fresh."
--Reverend David Charles Baker
Tuesday, 6 December 2011, 6 AM

Til death do us part...

INVESTORS: time to short SuccessFactors

2011-12-03T18:42:00.001-07:00

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/12/04/us-sap-successfactors-idUSTRE7B20NG20111204

If SAP is involved, look out. Disaster usually looms.

MARK AS SPAM in Gmail + FLAGGING in G+

2011-11-26T05:27:00.001-07:00

Understanding MARK AS SPAM and when to it use it (on messages 99.9% of people would hate to get) and when not to use it (when more than 1% of the people might like the item).

For instance do NOT use "mark as spam" on a newsletter from Republicans sent to you by a wag, simply set up a filter or, best, UNsubscribe. Marking as spam when it is not objectionable to nearly 100% of the people just makes the system work LESS well as Google has to then label you as irrational and lessons or eliminates your power to mark SPAM for all of us and makes it a local decision for you and not helpful to the Google group at large.

Also if you signed up for email from an organization or business, do not ever mark as spam. UNsubscribe properly, don't be lazy. You confuse the system when you are lazy like that and eventually get ranked as working against it.

FLAGGING in G+ works in a similar fashion. Use it on posts that are worthy of removal in the eyes of 99.9% of the people who would read it. Do not use it on Fox Noise fanatics and Tea Baggers and the like just having their illiterate say.

This gallery has some images to help illustrate the proper use of MARK AS SPAM and how to FLAG items on G+: https://picasaweb.google.com/112471591135159008990/GOOGLEHONORCODEUseItToEliminateSpamAndLibelousAttacksFromGoogleAccountHolders#

The more you use MARK AS SPAM and FLAGGING properly the more likely it is that the offending person will lose his or her Google account.

Conversely, the more you misuse those powers, the more likely it is YOU lose your Google account.

SUSAN MARY KINNEY "TULIP" BAKER IS THE MOST CONTROLLING WOMAN ON EARTH AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN

2011-11-22T08:22:00.001-07:00

The madness that is the Baker Family: my mother made my father write my cousin Brian up to 3 checks per day (this is 2 days) to "itemize" in her endless cruelty to those around her.

Brian fresh out of a commune and had no bank acocunt. Same issue I do and she insists on sending me lots of little checks, too, instead of trusting me with one big one per year.

She is the most controlling human on earth and second nastiest after Mona.

Anyone who knows her disagree?

Steve + Tammy knew how to do it: no $10 or $12 for them!

CANCER SURVIVOR DAVID CHARLES BAKER

2011-11-22T05:10:00.001-07:00

My life expectancy just took a dip

by David Charles Baker (write-in candidate for POTUS 2012)
March 2000

A couple of years ago a spot developed on my arm and I started to take a mild interest in it as it was on my right bicep and was easy to see. It was light brown and misshapen but didn't seem terribly threatening. I mentioned it to my wife Carolyn and she thought I should have it checked.

Naturally, I did nothing.

Then in the summer of 1999 I was at the Novell Open at the Park Meadows Country Club where several businesses had set up tents, including the University Health Center. They were offering free skin checks so I decided it was finally time for a check of my various blemishes. The one on my arm was the one about which I was most concerned, however there were a few others I wanted checked.

I took a seat and the intern who had been saddled with this duty cheerfully took a look and my various spots and bumps. "Oh that's nothing," she said about the bump on my leg, that's just a ." Several spots were quickly dismissed as freckles. The nasty little growth of skin under my arm was also given a quick glance and labeled a nasty little growth under my arm caused by friction, such as too tight a shirt, although again a crazy medical term was used. "These usually appear on men's necks when they wear shirt collars too tight," I was told. "A dermatologist can just freeze that off." The nose bump was also given the A-OK.

Then we got to the spot on my arm. The intern had been friendly and chatty up until this point but now frowned and became silent. She pushed and pulled at the spot, looking at it from several angles. "I don't mean to alarm you," she said finally.

"Too late," I said before she could continue, "that's a bad one, huh?"

"How long have you had it? Has it changed size or shape? Has it gotten darker? I strongly urge you to get this checked by a specialist."

Which brought me to Dr. Leo Sotiriou in Salt Lake City. I was warned that he was a little kooky and he moved at the speed of light. He had been nicknamed "Doctor Lopitoff" (lop it off, get it?) for his propensity to freeze or cut off everything.

I arrived at Dr. Lopitoff's office 20 minutes early to fill out paperwork. At 5 minutes before my scheduled time I finished my paperwork and placed it on the counter. Immediately the doctor raced in, grabbed my clipboard and ushered me in to one of his two exam rooms. After 15 seconds of small talk (as my wife is a patient and works in the accounting office of the doctor's kid's school), he got to it. Most people would probably get a lot less chitchat out of the man. I did compliment him on being so prompt and he said he thinks it's just rude when you make an appointment and are kept waiting.

I had my list ready. Eight items: nose bump which looked like a zit, wart on finger, laser hair removal, leg bump, armpit growth, itchy scalp, spot on my arm, another spot on back.

SEVEN of these were dispensed with alacrity:

Nose bump: "It's nothing, I'll freeze it." And he did.

Wart: "That's a big one, I'll need to freeze it five times." And he did with 5 second pauses. OOOOW!

Laser hair removal, is it safe, effective, do you have an opinion: "It's safe, effective and it's incredibly expensive."

Leg bump: "It's nothing." He didn't even freeze it.

Itchy scalp: "Wash your hair. People just need to wash their hair more. I have old ladies come in thinking they have a scalp disease and then I find out they only wash their hair once every two weeks. Wash your hair every day!"

Back spot: "It's nothing."

Arm spot: "Oooo..." He gave it the same scowl and pause that the intern had. "We need to take that off and have it checked." He then proceeded to give me a shot to numb up my arm and took off to go see the patient in the other exam room. Total elapsed time: 5.5 minutes.

Wait: another 3 minutes or so.

Dr. Lopitoff then rushed in and broke out what looked like a flexed razor blade and scooped out a thin slice of skin which included the blemish on my arm and out I went with a band aid on my arm.

Total time: about 9 minutes.

A week later I got a call: benign.

Fast forward to early January and out of nowhere a black spot appears below my right areola. I again ask Carolyn what she thinks and she again says, "Go get it checked!" While this time I intended to get it checked, a few weeks go by before skin cancer talk causes me to open my shirt in front of Caroline, Christina, Donna and Jessica (four women in an office in Park City). All of them reacted with variations of, "Oh my gosh, get that checked right now.

This was Thursday, March 2nd, and I got an appointment for the next Monday at 9am with Dr. Lopitoff. At 8:59 I was ushered into the exam room, told to lie on the table and received a shot in the chest which began a repeat of the treatment I got for my arm spot.

Unbeknownst to me, Dr. Lopitoff thought it looked cancerous and asked the lab to call him immediately with the results once they had looked at it. As the doctor was going to Hawaii on the 10th, he wanted to get the results back before he left. The bad news came on Wednesday and he called me in the afternoon, minutes before I was to tee off at Old Mill Golf Course in Salt Lake: I had melanoma. Even though his office was officially closed on the 9th he was anxious and eager to butcher me before he left. Be at the office at 8:30am I was told.

I think the distraction helped me as I handily parred the first hole (I'm a 35 handicap) and proceeded to have an excellent round and walked away after nine holes down a mere $4.

On Thursday, March 9th I drove to Dr. Lopitoff's office and met him on his day off to have a little more skin taken off. I had thought the doctor had told me two millimeters out and one down would be taken off. Actually, that would be two CENTIMETERS out from the EDGE of the blemish and one CENTIMETER down was what was to be taken.

Even though we were the only two in the office, Dr. Lopitoff didn't slow down for a minute. Tossing his keys on the desk he told me to lie down on the table. Then with his trademark speed he:

Took a ruler and measure out 2cms from the edges of the previous wound and marked it with an iodine pen.

Grabbed a syringe and tossed in a bottle of lidocaine.

Gave me 5-8 shots as quickly as is humanly possible.

Tossed in a new bottle of lidocaine.

Gave me another 5-8 shots as fast as he could go (which, oddly enough, caused me to start laughing).

Tossed in a third bottle of lidocaine.

Gave me another batch of shots.

At this point he stopped and just stared. "What are you going to do now?" I asked, "you don't have any other patients."

"Yes, but I have other things to do," he said as he scurried out of the room to check the answering machine and shuffle papers.

After a few minutes he returned and did a test cut with the scalpel on my skin. It felt like a person doing a test cut on my skin with a scalpel, sans lidocaine. "Ahhhh," I yelled.

That resulted in another round of shots, this time much more painful as he went crazy with the plunger.

This was much better.

Dr. Lopitoff was able to cut me several times without pain. He snapped on the rubber gloves and went to town. It felt like someone tugging off adhesive tape so I took a look: he was cutting around his 5 cm circle (that's TWO inches, for you Yankees). Blood was pouring everywhere. "Don't look," he said.

I lay back down for another few minutes until he paused to get something to sop up the blood. I had to take another look and what I saw was gruesome. He had cut about half of the slab away. Blood was gurgling out of my insides as this huge flap of skin was pulled back.

"Stop looking, you're making me nervous," he said. I quickly dropped my head.

The method is apparently to cut all around the circle and then to start and one side and start cutting in at a 45 degree angle until it's about one centimeter deep. Then he tugs on the skin while sawing away at the flesh underneath. When he is finished there was a cup shaped hole in my chest five centimeters in diameter and one centimeter deep at the middle.

To close this up the doctor simply clamps the hole closed and stitches it with about 13 stitches (the bruising around the wound is from being held closed). This has the result of giving me a "chest lift" of sorts, however the cosmetic benefit of this is negligible as I should have quite a scar.

Oddly enough, I am OK to do most activities, albeit no golf or skiing immediately. After the stitches are removed I will have to be very careful for two weeks to keep the wound from tearing open.

And the removed material? It looked like plucked chicken skin on one side (I had shaved my chest before the original biopsy to make it easier to see the blemish AND because I just like it) while the other side looked like yellow chicken fat. Actually it looked like yellow human fat as that's what it was, just like the kind you see in those gross liposuction stories on 20/20 or on the operation specials on the Discovery Channel.

Dr. Lopitoff showed it to me and then showed how he covers it in what looked like India ink. This allows the lab to see the edges easier. Hopefully they will find that the cancer does not extend to the edges coated in ink and if so then I'm OK until next time. IF the entire sample is cancerous then I get to have more cut out, but the doctor thinks he has gone big enough to get it all. I certainly hope so as the material he showed me looked bigger that some hamburgers I've had.

Before I left he wrote me a prescription for fifteen codeine Tylenol.

"What's this," I asked.

"Do you not think it's enough?"

"Enough for what? How much is this going to hurt??!?" I wanted to know.

"Oh, it may not hurt much at all, but just in case. Here's 15 and you can take up to two every 4 hours."

Total elapsed time: 50 minutes. The doctor opened his office door at 8:35, I was cut at about 8:45 and I walked out at 9:25am.

As of this writing, it is 3:30pm on Thursday the 9th and it hurts a lot. I just popped my first pain pill and I hope it works.

Now I wait for the man to return from Hawaii and tell me the results of the test on the burger he carved out of me. I have an appointment for Tuesday, March 21st. I'll get my stitches removed, find out if he got all the spoiled cells, and have five blemishes on my back removed. Before the positive test on my chest, the ones on my back "looked fine." Now, unfortunately, every spot could be a winner so they all come off.

I know you've heard it before but get yourself checked: new and/or dark is a danger sign.

Much as I laugh about Dr. Lopitoff's speed and bedside manner, I cannot recommend him highly enough. He has been at it since 1981 so he is old enough to have plenty of experience and young enough that he isn't a shaky-handed old timer who thinks he knows it all. He also has a good sense of humor which means he can laugh a little at himself AND can take me in stride, sarcastic barbs, bad jokes and all ("Hey Doc - will I be able to bench press 400 pounds when this heals? Yes? Great - because I never could before!").

If you have a scary looking blemish, call Dr. Leo "Lopitoff" Sotiriou (so-teer-ee-oo or maybe o) at 801-521-5630 for an appointment. His office is in the Broadway Plaza, suite 330 (Broadway Plaza is 250 E 300 S in Salt Lake City). Even if you have a blemish that isn't that scary, I urge you to go have him take a peek. Just the experience of having a doctor be on time and work at light speed is worth the price of admission.

Tuesday, 21 March 2000: I arrived at 8:54 for my 9am appointment and was ushered in to the exam room by Dr. Lopitoff at 8:55am.

"The margins were clean," he told me, "I got it all."

"Great," I told him but that I had been bleeding out of one of the stitches. He seemed unconcerned. He had me flop on the table and proceeded to remove the stitches with his usual dispatch. When one spot began to bleed he said, "Whoa, you do have a bleeder here." After inspecting it more closely he said he would give me a couple of new stitches in that spot. "I'll just stitch it without numbing it, it which would probably just hurt more," he said as he came at me with a gigantic (well, to me...) hooked needle clamped in the jaws of one of those locking tweezer deals. "No way - give me the shot," I protested. "OK," he said, and faster that you can say prestidigitationhe had a hypodermic needle in his hand and was giving me two quick shots of lidocaine. He then gave me the two stitches over the bleeding spot and removed the rest of the stitches.

Looks good, he said, and was ready to send me on my way.

I, however, had a few questions. What about the spots on my back he had wanted to remove and check? Also, Carolyn wanted to rub vitamin E on my wound to "keep it from scaring." Was this OK?

Dr. Lopitoff took another look at my back and decided they weren't quite bad enough to remove. "Take a picture of your back tonight and then again in six months and see if the spots change. If they do, come back."

"As to vitamin E, do it if you want," he said, "but it won't do a thing for the scare. And stop if you develop a rash."

"A rash?" I asked.

"People think vitamin E will help. It won't. They also think it's all natural, but so is poison ivy and poison oak. Some people get a rash from vitamin E so if you do, stop immediately." ("He doesn't know what he's talking about," said Carolyn later, "I'm going to put vitamin E on you.")

The doctor then dismissed me with a comment along the lines of 'call me with the next one' as if it was all nothing.

Off I went 20 minutes after I arrived, ready for the next one.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011: Kelli and I go in for a visit. The place is no less crazy, nor am I. WARNING: R-rated for MEDICAL NUDITY. Do not click these links if you are a silly school marm type:
http://youtu.be/fIaAUI-v_zw?hd=1&t=1m16s

http://youtu.be/GgBpZTR9cW0?hd=1

OTHER Links:
http://www.skincheck.com/
http://www.mpip.org/topframeset.shtml?http://cancernet.nci.nih.gov/wyntk_pubs/melanoma.htm http://www3.cancer.org/cancerinfo/load_cont.asp?st=ds&ct=50&language=english

What the fans are saying:
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 17:20:47
From: John Olsen

Welcome to the cancer club. If you need a good SLC oncologist, let me know. I've got contacts. I'm really sorry to hear you're in the club. Give me a call. John

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 20:11:49
From: Dustin Robertson

Damn Dave, I am sorry. Did you spend a lot of time in the SUN? Do you think my vegetarian diet will help prevent melanoma? Hope you feel better. If you need some kick ass veggie food let me know. Dustin Robertson

Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 18:49:24
From: Fiona White

Dave - Sorry to hear about the cancer story! Could tell you all sorts of uplifting stories about other people who have had that and are fine now blah blah blah but actually we're all rather upset you didn't open your shirt in OUR office!
Take Care, Fiona, Heidi, Kathleen and ok John and Jeff too (although they aren't upset about the shirt)

Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 18:55:06
From: Jennifer Sletten

DCB:
You should really add a photo page to your story...the bloody bandage (which I happened to see twice today) is quite impressive. Too bad you did not have a digital camera on hand during the procedure - that would surely convince folks to get their spots checked out. You should thank Donna, Carol, Chris & Jess for freaking out so bad when you showed them
your chest - was it shaved then?

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 20:57:48 EST
From: Leif Nelson

Are you kidding?!

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 17:59:07
From: G. Lynne Snead

Wow, .

Dr. S. has been my doctor for many years. I know those rooms pretty well, so I had a vivid vision as you described your process. So, now what? What's your next step?

Meantime, I am thinking of you. Please keep me posted.
Lynne

Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 21:11:14
From: Trent [name of shy fella removed]

Dave- you have a great sense of humor, but why not. I am sorry to hear this has happened to you. You will be in my prayers and hopefully it will be all gone. Your story is important to help make everyone aware of this threat.
Trent

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 21:11:21
From: Joan Salvas

Hi Dave, What a shock you gave us! You know we love you and are thinking of you. Hope everything goes o.k. Jerry managed to put his finger in the table saw and got a nasty cut to the bone. However, the finger is saved. Our prayers will be with you and we hope you will keep us up to date on what is happening. You know how we feel about you - kind of like another son. My thoughts will be with you, dear heart. Love you. Joan and Jerry

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 21:41:53
From: Heidi Reiss

Hi Dave,
I also just read about Dr. Lopitoff. Pretty scary stuff if you ask me. I had a mole or two removed two years ago, but luckily nothing cancerous. I'll keep you posted if something suspicious surfaces, I might need your advice. Unfortunately, I think Salt Lake is a little far to travel but Dr. Lopitoff seems like "the man".
Happy healing...
Heidi

Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 20:05:33
From: Mary Badgley

Well at least you are alright- but it's scary shit, eh? When I had my scare- I bought the dog of my dreams, stopped being a fiend, and started my own business. Some of us need a wake up call. I hope this is the same case for you, my computer geeky friend. Get well soon and perhaps I can help the healing with a little soul food.

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 22:11:49
From: Jason T. Loomis

You too, huh. Welcome to the club. I can't believe you watched him do that. I was lucky in that mine came off my back, so there was no chance for me to see it. I'm pretty squeamish, and would have either fainted or puked if I'd had to watch. I was wound up tight like a guitar string and sweated my ass off.
jason

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 19:15:51 (PST)
From: John Bresee

Remember to brush and floss daily. Next thing will be your gums! Watchit!

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 22:24:56 EST
From: Dawna Markova

dbcyberguru
so i read your email and somehow my breath won't go as deep as it did before. please let me know if you need anything for support besides prayers and good energy sent your way. you mean a great deal to us.
dawna, aka mountain momma

Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 20:39:08
From: Don Wigren

Hi David, hope it's all gone, that's the nice thing about people who know what there doing they work fast reminds me of a computer man i know, i wonder if he would take off a big tattoo i got on my back. ps. use sun block lots of luck Don. hope the new job is going well

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 21:22:17
From: Jim Howe

I had no idea, that your health was a issue. You cool dude you never told me. The reason I liked you and your wife was not for your computer skills but for the time you took for me. I only need another six months of your help! I enjoyed both you and your wife's company as short lived as it surprisingly became??!! You both made me happy and welcomed as did Mark and his wife. I hope you have a speedy recovery. Warm Regards from " Jim Of The North".

Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 23:08:00
From: Jill Adler

yuck! are you ok? how long ago did you spot it?

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 10:49:49 +0100
From: Kristin Robbins

hello from Sweden. I hope Dr. Lopitoff didn't leave you deformed. Is the nipple still there or did that go?

hope results are positive (ie, negative).
feel better, kristin

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 07:11:42
From: Mike Friedman

is melanoma the good kind or the bad kind? in any case congrats on not being the one in eight that croaks on the op table owing to shoddy medical practices....i'm going for a new hip shortly.....did you get ether or something from the narcotics family?

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 08:48:34
From: Jim Bresee
David,
My doctor friends want to know if it has spread anywhere. I'm surrounded by doctors here, and they don't like the word melanoma. What's the scoop?
Jim

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:06:12
From: Dereka Smith

I checked my mail last night just a few minutes before "ER"-- by the time I finished reading your letter I decided that I would just take a shower and go to bed! This is really a dreadful experience for you I imagine-- although your medical essay had me gasping with laughter-- I understand that melanoma is a scary thing-- on the other hand Sue's experience is a very immediate illustration of a positive outcome. How are they coping with this? Remember that old phrase "laughter is the best medicine"? - crap, I suppose but your ironical, satirical, sarcastical and comical outlook will get you through a good part of each day. I can't believe I actually laughed! I suppose you will get used to this altered state of being-- how long are you in limbo? Now I am going to take advantage of these circumstances to be sentimental-- just briefly. From seeing you a couple of times recently in your own world I believe you are a really appealing guy who has overcome adversity (not the usual sort), who has carved out a constructive life (again not the usual sort) and I love you. If this seems patronizing, as well as sentimental, you must forgive me because I am your oldest cousin and graduated from high school the year you were born. Dereka

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:15:46
From: Paul McNamara

Hi David: Ouch. One of the downsides of getting to know some of my readers as "real people" is, well, the reality is that real people have real medical problems. I do most sincerely hope that things turn out well for you.

For the past three weeks I have been recovering from a hernia operation that turned out to be more complicated than the doctor had warned. I have been feeling sorry for myself, of course. After reading your tale, I am committed to stop that silliness.

Also, I just want to tell you that your account of your visit to the doctor was *extraordinarily* well written. Do you have a professional writing background? If not and you're looking for a career change, you should consider the field.

Wishing you all the best.
Paul McNamara, Associate News Editor and "Net Buzz" columnist, Network World

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:25:31 EST
From: Julie Hayden Beaumont

Oh My God!!! So good to hear from you - though wish it weren't about this.

Have to say, I went to a dermatologist last spring (so I could go to the tanning bed and get my fill of summer sun - oh the shame) and she looked at every inch of me with a magnifying glass. Everything was ok, but I think I'll go again - like today!

I think all of you Utah people should hurry and get your asses to New York for some fun.
I'll check in soon.
Your Fan, Julie Haydon Beaumont

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:45:49
From: Courtney Bierwirth

good luck.... i am sure you've always wanted an excuse to shave your chest, a la David Adam Peck, anyway. So when do you find out where you go from here? Do you have to have chemo or radiation or anything, or just be vigilant about any other abnormalities.

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:50:50 EST
From: Linda Sibson

Took all the hair too I bet.... Glad you are smart enough to go to a doctor and "do:" something....These people who just ignore are a real pain. Glad it turned out all right. Bye for now and take care of yourself. Keep watching for reappearance. My father had 15 - 20 cryosurgeries for same type.. a bother but better than ignoring.. Luv//LSD

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 14:55:06 GMT
From: Evelyne Lanvers

Dear David
I hope everything will be OK for you, it's very scary to know you are so young, and had to deal with this. Please take good care of you. and thank you very much for the information. Good luck to you, Evelyne Lanvers

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 10:25:55
From: David Taylor Allen
Hey I hope the tests turn out OK. I had some items removed last week and I do not know about them yet. Page has great weather. I am getting rid of all my computer parts that were left. Need any network parts? Only a few things are left, drop me a note. It says to send this card a day earlier if the recipient is in Asia or Europe. I selected this option so that you will get this yesterday. D. Allen

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 08:30:37
From: Kelley Richard

David, Hope you are feeling better. Sorry to hear about this.
Take care, kelley

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 07:33:16
From: William Bresee

Bummer, so what is the prognosis? I am not clear where you stand now?

Date: 10 Mar 2000 10:41:42 EST
From: Sybil Woods-Smith

David,
That sucks. But as it is level 1 I'm sure they expect a full recovery. The divot in your chest will add a certain allure to your physique. I suggest you say that a tiger bit you while you were in Thailand studying the breeding habits of malarial mosquitoes. You were forced to dispatch the tiger with your bare hands, but not before it took a chunk out of you. Then you crawled 50 miles to the nearest aide station for help. You managed to save your notebook and data, though it is somewhat bloodstained.
What a man!
SYBIL

Editor's note: You can read more of Sybil's nonsense at http://www.planetbaker.com/br/poet/

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 08:49:26
From: Darryl English

wow...sounds like a "Whopper." Did you name it "Big Mac?" I guess you must have "fried" when you were younger.
Seriously though, is everything going to be ok?

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 11:03:20
From: Paul Robbins

not exactly the quarter-pounder i usually think of....

you're in my prayers, man...but if u mention it to anyone, i'll
deny it. - prt

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:03:37
From: Tad Turgeon

Well David, by the length of your epic poem I though for sure you were trying to cover up the point of the story, which was the pain pills. For a while there I didn't think there would be any codeine derivatives in the story, and I was getting sad. The 15 Tylenol with codeine is a mere token for your efforts. you really should go back and explain the pain is causing you massive discomfort, irritability and preventing sleep. But should you not do this I would recommend some bourbon. Any good narcotic is better with alcohol. I'd hate to agitate your gout, but fret not, those 15 tabs won't last long.
Love Tad

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 11:13:16
From: Duff McDonald

Dave - Glad you're up to your usual standards of health and hygiene. I myself had a lump removed from my waist several months ago, and the knife felt like a knife cutting a hole in my side. It was the size of a marble, and the doctor told me it was a clogged pore. I prefer to think of it as an inside the body pimple that just wouldn't calm down.

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 11:45:03 EST
From: Heather Ann Marks Palmer

So Sorry to hear about this Dave! Yuck! I also have had carcinomas removed from my back, although MUCH smaller. hang in there.
Heather

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 11:50:29 EST
From: Karen

Hi David
Read the email you sent this morning - Cindy's copy. Thanks for sharing with us. We're all sobered by the news and determined to get ourselves checked.

Take care and here's hoping for no more cuts!
Karen

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 10:45:02
From: Cindy Hart

Thanks for your wonderfully detailed and graphic description of your procedure! We all enjoyed our muffins so much more while looking at the photo!

Seriously... thanks for letting us know what is going on and for the very important warning about taking those little "blemishes" seriously. I must admit, I haven't had mine checked lately and your email has spurred me to get busy.
Hope you are feeling much better today and have recovered from the trauma of losing a few pounds the hard way! Keep us informed and we will keep you in our prayers. Cindy, Mike, Bonnie and the rest of the MRR Gang

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 13:45:51 EST
From: Donald Foster-Gross

David,
I read in great detail your report. Have decided to skip lunch. Glad this guy is quick and good. So your life flashing before your eyes is only a small % of a lot of life left. The moral: listen to Carolyn next time.

For once I'll be early; a most happy birthday (ok, this doesn't get me out of sending you a card but I tried).
Love, Don, Joaquin and Sari

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 13:56:27
From: Dana Christensen

Hey David-
Julie told me about your skin cancer. Hope you are O.K.

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 16:46:45
From: Todd [name of shy fella removed]

i laughed, i cried, i felt sick! its the feel sick story of the year. is this just another experience that david has to have? i was going to email everyone about my in grown toe nail but david really blew my story away.
todd

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 19:25:17
From: Justine Ix

Melanoma! It sounds as though Dr. Lopitoff thinks he got it all out. Do you have to go through any cancer treatments? Are these questions that he will answer when he returns from vacation? He picked a lousy time to go away! Please keep us posted and thanks for the advice.
Thinking of you, Justine

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 22:33:22 EST
From: Andres Bernstein

about this melanoma. Perhaps you'd like to bill me for my web page so the payment could help with the Dr. Bills...Andrea

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 19:48:53
From: Balog

David Charles Baker: Sorry to hear about your melanoma. We would have
warned you how much tissue is biopsied if we had known of your predicament. We will pray for clear margins. Let us know. --Max, Charlie (aka little shit) and the other two.

Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2000 07:51:45
From: Tamar Smith Riggall

David --
Jeez, life certainly can bring one up short sometimes. I hope that the news from hereon out will be good ...
Take care, Tamar

Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2000 06:35:13
From: Tom Kelly

Hope all works out for the best for you. Read your little piece. I've had concerns about this before. Had a bunch of little things frozen off the past couple years. Haven't had the quarter-pounder yet. All the best.
/tk (Oceanside, CA)

Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 11:27:53
From: Elaine B. Joli

Good Morning David,
Hope your wound is sound and clean this morning.

Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2000 15:02:36
From: Geoff Arend

Melanoma? That's child's play. What can the guy do for you about the gout?

Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2000 16:35:11 EST
From: Leif Nelson

Hope it all goes well for you. Best of luck!!!
Leif

Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2000 20:44:28 EST
From: Andres Bernstein
Hey David - Hope day two finds you feeling no pain. I thought I'd check your page again figuring some amusing comments from friends and loved ones. But I never imagined the response would be so incredible. I hope you realize how blessed you are to have so many people who care about you and wanted again to express my well wishes for a full recovery. I'll too will say a prayer and make sure to send good intentions your way!

P.S. I know you don't buy into the spiritual stuff, but I figured at this point if there's was some remote chance that it works - you wouldn't mind!

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 10:17:46
From: Lori and Jason Lisai

Dave!
Wow. I think what amazes me most is the humor with which you recount your story. I had to laugh--and immediately felt sick for doing so. (I assume this was your intended goal.) I have that super spotty skin, too. I will keep your story in mind when I head for my physical. In the mean time, I can only say that our health has been good--unless you take into consideration Duke's latest stunts. Last week, he ate a jar of bacon grease (parts of the jar included), and just last night, he and Krister Adams' lab Buck ate two boxes of Chocolate Harvest Power Bars. I think he just likes the rice diet too much. Or maybe it's the Tagamet. Dink.
Hope you are feeling better. Take care! ~Lori and Jake

Editor's note: Duke is a very friendly yellow Labrador retriever.

Subject: Your chest, I heard it was your back!
Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 08:28:43
From: Juliy Marie

Dave, you are in my prayers, I send you energy. And I hope you listen to your wife from now on. Let me hear from you if you guys need anything. And thank you for bringing this serious issue to the forefront, again. And your writing is wonderfully funny. Juliy Marie

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 11:30:03 (EST)
From: Courtney W. Lamontagne

Jesus Christ. Don't scare me like that in my current fragile condition. Need more details via email b/c cannot access that webpage from home.

Still sitting here waiting for this darned baby to arrive**.

Chat soon - and give me details RIGHT NOW!

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 11:38:30 (eight minutes after the message above)
From: Courtney W. Lamontagne

I'm serious - if you do not send me details right away, I will sue your estate for even more than I know you have already left me. As an almost-mother now, I am VERY worried and upset. Altho I do have a very good friend who had a similar situation, and is fine now, so I will not count my winnings...uh, inheritance...just yet.

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 11:14:45
From: Keith Rooks

Dave,
As always thanks for the clear detailed cancer lesson. Hope it all goes well. I guess I should cut down to half a can a day on the dip. And I thought my blown left ACL was a problem.

Good luck with a speedy recovery
Keith Rooks

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 12:07:29
From: Sara Lindeman

Baker --
Carolyn and I have long suspected that we both got lemons in choosing our lifelong co-travelers. You have confirmed it as has my diabetic lovebird .

In all seriousness, I am very concerned. If you want to get your marriage annulled, I'll marry you and put you on my insurance plan...(John might protest...)

Is there anything we can do to help?
Sara

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 17:22:41 EST
From: Jim Lachlan (Collins)

Hi David,
I''ll have to check out your website to find out more. Anyway get well and try and call you soon. I have my computer back in a few weeks.
Best, Jim

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 15:13:55 (PST)
From: jim hansel

hey bakes- Does this mean that you won't be coming to AZ? Be strong little camper...and remember...we're all counting on you! JIM

Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 21:35:26
From: Kristen Ulmer

good lord! you poor poor man! glad you didn't die- maybe you should write a book of your harrowing experience-
what next? brain tumor?

Date: Thu, 10 Jan 1980 15:20:51 (<=note date - Y2K didn't leave this computer untouched)
From: Jim Walton

Dave- Thanks for the E-mail hope all is well. It sounds like you have a very good Doc and he was able to get everything. You have inspired me to get a check up. Talk to you soon let me know how your doing
Jim

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 08:42:19
From: Courtney Bierwirth

well - best of luck! Keep me posted!

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 09:02:33
From: Devin Scott Linden

DCB;
Howdy ho! Your bedside episode, with you looking at the doctor while making a large wound reminds me of the time we were being chased by the cops whilst driving you to the emergency room after your scene from the Terminator-- (I am sure you can remember this one, it's when you jumped up on the burning car with a shot gun then proceeded to slip on the roof of the car like a dog running onto a newly waxed floor because the heat from the flames burned the bottoms of your tenni shoes, then flipped onto your back and hitting the ground). Do you remember the scene in the emergency room? You were so intent on looking at your burn. Are ya sure those marks on your back aren't from yer flesh wound you experienced from way back when?

Why I just thought of that I really don't know. Anywho, I hope everything works out well for you, but remember that you must put on your SPF30 while sunbathing in Hawaii. No need for more doctor visits! Live long and prosper, Devinscrotiescottlinden

Editor's note: We have no idea as to what this lunatic is referring.

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 09:46:36
From: Geoff Arend

does your festering hatchet wound mounted on your pigeon chest prevent you from bowling too? should I bring my bowling shoes or just plan on laying around stuffing my face and watching movies all weekend? See you Thursday.

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 10:23:05
From: Mike Holland

Dave,

Sorry to hear about the burger. Hopefully they won't be going for apot roast later. I'm optimistic (as I always am) that you're going to be fine. See you next month.
-Mike

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 10:37:59
From: Andrew Partridge

Sorry to hear that you are dying. When's the funeral? How do I get my ten grand from your mother if you kick before she does? See you on the boat.
Drew

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 12:30:47 EST
From: Jamie Preston

I read the story - you only lost $4.00 playing golf? And, you still ski? Stop telling stories!! Seriously, hope all turns out OK. New e-mail: Preston@pwqy.net. Send there, or my wife will delete it!

Editor's note: A secret email? That's how it starts...

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 11:13:11
From: LISA OLMSTEAD

Man, take care... life is very fragile. It is amazing what doctors can do now days!!!! Life here is kinda freaky...This past week I lost both of my grandmothers... bummer.
Again, take care, Lisa

Editor's note: Wow, talk about one-upmanship.

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 16:09:16
From: Jim Bresee

Don't screw with this one. Stay all over this... don't wait for the healthcare system to come to you.. you need to be the aggressor. Attack your health on a daily basis. Nobody else is covering your ass but you... don't trust your doctors.. push them. Good luck and let me know if I can help demystify our screwed up healthcare system. I've been on the backside of this industry for way too many years... Jim

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 21:50:42 PST
From: Jeri McArthur

David: Being half way around the world is a helpless feeling- it is times like this I wish I were close enough just to give you a big hug....my best authority on cancer, my husband - totally believes in "cutting it out" - feels optimistic - Our love and support to both you and Carolyn during this trying time....... Jeri

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 08:48:43 (EST)
From: Courtney W. Lamontagne
Organization: University of Vermont

OK, that is NOT enough details. I need more NOW! How did you find this mela-whatever on your chest? What did it look like? What did the doc say? What did they do to you? Do you have any moe mela's and will you get any? Just in case you ever plan to get pregnant, you might be interested to know that you get lots of moles and "skin-tags" (lovely, really). I pick them all off, which the doc says is a bad idea. Anyway, I want more Dave Bake skin news. Seriously.
Love to your wife - who I adore and again admonish you NOT to screw it up with.
kisskiss - send skin details RIGHT NOW. VERY WORRIED. Which is normal - I've got enough hormones for about twelve of me.

Editor's note: Is this serious? She says it is, but most people say this is too long winded...

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 07:01:15 PST
From: Ron Clark
So sorry to hear about the cancer. I hope that everything will work out. Ski late this year but watch out for avalanches.
Ron Clark, M.D.

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 11:51:48
From: Scott Mavis

You had me believing the whole story until the point where you said you only lost $4 in that round of golf. I've played with you before you know. You can't fool me!

Sorry to hear the gruesome tale. But glad that Lopitoff made quick work of it and hope it doesn't reappear. Hang in there and keep me posted.
Mave

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 13:44:51
From: Laura Cuddie

Baker,
I was sobered by your news - I hope that you are feeling well. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself - maybe you should have Angie design a nutrition and exercise program for you!
Regards, Laura

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 14:19:33 (PST)
From: S L

Hi David,
Boy, that was unexpected! I certainly wish you the best. I feel the little hypochondriac in me beginning to stir as I type this. Have you been to www.techniclone.com? If not, I think you'll find it quite intriguing.
As Queen put it so well, "Keep Yourself Alive."
Take care, Steve

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 16:01:56
From: Felicia Olivera

Dave,
Your tale at the post office was impressive, but the gory details are spectacular. I'll be rooting for news of a clean cutaway of all the bad stuff. Let me know and happy recovery.
Felicia

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 15:09:19
From: John Bresee

I see you posted images - that's super gross. I can't believe you chopped your head out of the image. Not like you.

Mom is very very concerned as is: Bill, Jim, Allen, and Dad is also worried.
But really he ought to focus on himself.

So in light of my accident, when you told my folks that I was brain damaged, I have told them that your prognosis is not good. Then I told them to call your folks.
Have I helped?
-John

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 21:33:33 EST
From: Jon Robert Atencio

Hey Big D Burger-
I just got back into town-that is some heavy shit! I am glad to see that things seem to be going good- I would hate to see me little portable ATM machine kick the bucket. I would have to go back to hustling pool. In all seriousness, if you need anything let me know!
jonny a

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 06:33:30 PST
From:

I really hope that your melanoma has been contained and if you need advanced care, remember to look outside of the state. Physicians are good at what they treat commonly and in Utah, cancer is less frequent than in the rest of the country. The Mayo clinic is renowned for several areas of expertise. Keep me on your mailing list.
Your friend,
, M.D.

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 10:08:08
From: Aaron Loomis

Holy snake pit! Good thing you were so prompt about getting the bugger checked! I just got your email today. Man I would have passed out after the second lidocane shot. Did you save the blood and puss ensoaked shirt like the time you played windshield doctor with your bare foot on your Subaru?
-Aaron

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 08:42:20
From: Allen Mireles

David, I was really sorry to read your e-mail about the melanoma.
Hopefully your prognosis is good and they have found and removed the
cancer. You are in our thoughts a lot these days. (I would say prayers,
except I haven't yet figured out how to pray and I don't want to jinx
things for you!) Best regards,Allen

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 15:58:10 EST
From: Col. Earl B. Young, Ret.

The wife and I have both been under the weather for a week, so this is my first day on the computer. Got your grim message of the 9th, but couldn't bring up the reference. However, Lynne had read it, and she told us yesterday when she came in from Colorado.

Aside from shock, our first reaction is "What can we do to help?" Do you need someone to drive you anywhere for treatment? What treat-ment is next on the agenda? As I read your first short note, I got the impression that you have been aware for some time that all was not right...???????We love you. Jerry and Earl Y.

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 16:25:18(EST)
From: Courtney W. Lamontagne

OHMYGOD! So glad you are OK. Please remember to cut and paste me on Chapter 2. Like I said, I am TOTALLY going to the skin doc as soon as I produce this heir, and having the whole package checked out. Your skin changes a lot when you are in the family way, but I want every new mole and skin tag lopped off asap.
Carolyn must have been a complete mess. Give her my best.

Editor's note: Curiously Carolyn was fine.

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 17:03:39
From: Michael D. Pierce

Wow, David, thats alot! I certainly hope that it the news is good when [the doctor] comes back. At least you sense of humor is still the same.

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 21:41:59 EST
From: Gretchen Partridge

We have been unable to get into your web site that you gave on your last
message. What ever has happened we are very sorry and want to learn more. Anything we can do from the east? Except to keep you in our prayers and hope the doctors have been very successful. A card will be forthcoming. love Gretchen

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 13:45:28
From: Julia Robinson

Dear Dave,
I got your email about your skin cancer, so sorry to hear about it. I hope things are better soon!!! So sorry to hear about your ordeal. I really hope the best for you. My father has had many of benign spots removed, but still very scary.
Good luck and please keep me posted.
-Lee Lee

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 08:18:17 -0700
From: Angie McArthur

Hi, hope the hole in the chest is healing
Angie

Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 07:33:27
From: Timothy Sperry

David, congratulations on the new addition to the family.
tim

Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 11:25:46 EST
From: Alexander Richardson "Alex" Miller

Dear David:
That was the worst news I have had in a long time. When do you find out if it's benign or bad? If I prayed my prayers would be with you. It's the shitty part about being an atheist. Instead I will just send some positive energy your way and hope for the best. Let me know what happens. Good luck
Warmest Regards - Alex

Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 11:48:44
From: Jeff Weinman

Hey Baker. So how are you doing? Are you back to golf yet? Darrel's dad has been going through some similar stuff lately. They removed a couple chunks of him and he has been having chemo and radiation.

I hope that your recovery is going well and that they have decided other than a few things in the head, you are going to be fine.

Jeff

Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 14:18:00
From: Carol Shepard

hope you are feeling better.

Date: Sat, 18 Mar 2000 16:06:42 EST
From: Col. Earl B. Young, ret.

Appreciate the update, and we'll hold our breath with you till Tuesday. Believe you went to one of the true pros in the skin doctor business. We first heard of him when he was chosen by the LDS Hospital to have a look
at Rita. Then I went to him for a check.

We've been scared of "moles" all our lives, and we've tried to pass that along to our kids. It doesn't sound like you delayed unnecessarily once you decided you had something that needed checking out.

Let us know how you progress, and what you learn on Tuesday. Still ready to help anytime you need it. Love J & E Young

Date: Sun, 19 Mar 2000 09:11:59
From: Don Wigren

ps: i always have washed my hair every day.

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 10:38:58
From: Sylvia Puccioni

I am sooooooooooo sorry that I haven't sent you get well messages. I have definitely been thinking about your health lately, though. I do hope you feel well, especially since you have a giant hole in your chest. Are you ok? I do care that you are dying....but aren't we all???

Patient's note: Ms. Bresee left a phone message in response to my email.
When I mentioned that email was better so I could post it here
to show how loved I was she responded with this:

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 13:23:37
From: Laura Bresee

I would have thought that you would have a method of transferring my melodic
voice to your web site so that all of your visitors could benefit from
hearing my heartfelt voicemail themselves. Ah well...not there yet.

It's the thought that counts anyway. And I'm thinking of you and hoping you get yourself healthy ASAP.
LSB

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 17:24:40
From: Michelle Parsons

Hi again David,
Tomorrow is the 21st so I hope everything comes out clean! Sounds like you have a great Dr. which is a very important part of the process.

Let me know how the cancer thing turns out. I'll be hoping for G-O-N-E- gone!
Bye for now, Michelle

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 22:56:42 -0700
From: Perry A. Dunn

David,

I really hope everything is ok. I get the scoop about this damn cancer from my bro, who's a skin doctor in Idaho. He's had too many deaths due to this.
Perry Dunn

Date: 21 Mar 2000 21:21:21 EST
From: Katie Smith

Hi David,
Sorry I didn't write sooner but my kid had to teach me how to use the internet first! I just read your harrowing tale tonight. You are a funny writer. Corey says those were the grossest pictures he's ever seen. (He's young yet........) Love to Carolyn. Heal well.
Love, Katie

Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 14:21:58 -0500
From: William Metcalf "Will" Fulton, Junior

David,

Imagine the shock when I found out that you had some nasty growth on you. I thought only old people has melanoma, which shows how little I know about that kind of stuff. I hope that you are better now and that you are on the mend. If there is something I can do, let me know.

I hope that despite your latest malady, you are well and the Utah life is
working well for you.

Best to you and the entire gang,
Will

(Patient note: I asked John a question about forums)

Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 12:20:28 -0800
From: John Bresee

are you dying? Is this your last request? If so I'll look into it. -jsb

Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 16:28:01 EST
From: Dawna Markova

so dave and ange told me the good news. i am celebrating as much as i would have mourned had it been bad. did the doctor have a specific diagnosis? i think in your honor i'm going to make appointments for all of us with him and juliy to get our spots checked out. YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! now i'm breathing deeper again
dawna

Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 22:55:41 -0800
From: John Bresee

call me a traditionalist, but shouldn't you see an oncologist to have them sniff your blood or something. -jsb

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 20:54:00 -0500
From: Tamar Smith Riggall

David --
I am hoping that your uncharacteristic silence regarding your health is not a bad sign. I suppose there isn't much point in asking if you are ok -- who is ok?, but I hope that the news is good.
Tamar

Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 18:17:38 -0500
From: Dereka Smith
David! I never would have said I loved you if I knew the whole world would hear me--- anyway, not to worry-- I have enjoyed reading all the other messages you got, have admired your wide circle of caring friends and acquaintances, have been relieved that some messages are dumber than mine was, and have been wondering all along what the next phase of the process is. A daily check on the web page has not satisfied my need to know but Sybil oozes optimism and that is helpful. Otherwise I slog along through a fairly routine existence made interesting mostly by the many incredibly naive, foolish, and highly entertaining email messages I get in my official capacity as librarian. Love to you and Carolyn. Cousin D.

Patient's note: Mr. Bowen left a phone message in response to my email.
When I mentioned that email was better so I could post it here
to show how loved I was he responded with this:

Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 09:46:36 -0600
From: William "Bill" Bowen

Ya, I know, but I didn't write for the following reasons:
Felt lame that it took me a week or 2 to read the email.
Was a bit uncomfortable making my normal wise ass jokes in response to such a serious topic.
Most of the good jokes were already used.
I figured by now you knew the results and a flip response could have been a bit insensitive.
My normal male reaction to anything medical in nature is to try and ignore it and let it go away.

Anyway, glad to hear the margins are clean. Seems like you went through a
lot to get that puppy you always wanted.

Date: 28 Mar 2000 05:14:10 EST
From: Mona Russell
To: (a buncha people I don't know)

Hi!!!!!!
I thought that I would pass this on to my friends and family so that you can see what happens to a child when I spend a major amount of time with them in their first formative years. Yesterday (when this was written) was the writer's birthday and over 30 years ago I had the great luck to have been his first baby sitter. When I first laid eyes on him it was love at first site, I thought he was the end all be all. To this day I see him (not often enough) or get a email from him and feel the same way I did those many years ago. Now this may not sound very modest of me to take some credit for this young man's wonderful sense of wit but keep in mind that Don Sharkey is my son. So having patted myself on the back I leave you to enjoy David's email message.
Love to all; Mona Russell

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SHEET SIZES - from About dot com

2011-02-08T03:05:00.001-07:00

Mattress Sizes

Twin--39 x 75 inches (or 99 x 190 cm)

X-Long Twin--39 x 80 inches (99 x 203 cm)

Full--54 x 75 inches (137 x 190 cm)

Queen--60 x 80 inches (or 153 x 203 cm)

King--76 x 80 inches (or 198 x 203 cm)

California King--72 x 84 inches (or 182 x 213 cm)

Fitted Sheet Sizes

Twin--39 x 75 inches (or 99 x 190 cm)

X-Long Twin--39 x 80 inches (99 x 203 cm)

Full--54 x 75 inches (137 x 190 cm)

Queen--60 x 80 inches (or 153 x 203 cm)

King--76 x 80 inches (or 198 x 203 cm)

California King--72 x 84 inches (or 182 x 213 cm)

Flat Sheet Sizes

Twin--66 x 96 inches (or 167 x 243 cm)

X-Long Twin--66 x 102 inches (or 167 x 259 cm)

Full--81 x 96 inches (or 205 x 243 cm)

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So kind of you to say...

2010-08-09T10:54:00.000-06:00

"As is almost always true, David is right..."
--Steve Mayer, Mon, Aug 9, 2010 at 1054

Soon to be famous quotes of David Charles Baker

2010-08-04T19:37:00.002-06:00

"There has already been more great done with pencils than will ever be done with all the pens ever made."

--David Charles Baker, 1936 hours / 4 August 2010