The Daily Joke

A Blond and Her Rolls Royce

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:53:00 +0000

A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blond returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blond replies,”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Two Atoms

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Wed, 19 May 2010 21:39:00 +0000

Two atoms are walking down the street.

One says, “Wait, I think I lost an electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure?”

The first one says, “Yeah, I’m positive.”

Misbehaving

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Mon, 03 May 2010 18:30:00 +0000

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Chess Joke

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:36:00 +0000

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?,” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Fancy Drink

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:35:00 +0000

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

Noah's Bees

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:34:00 +0000

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Fishmongers

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:34:00 +0000

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

The Smiths

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:33:00 +0000

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Boomerang

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:33:00 +0000

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Kayak

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:32:00 +0000

Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Holy Water

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:32:00 +0000

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Shipwreck

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:31:00 +0000

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.

Difference between roast beef and pea soup?

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 16:31:00 +0000

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Bologna Again?

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 16:38:00 +0000

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."

Road Trip

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 15:23:00 +0000

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"

Funeral Procession

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 00:12:00 +0000

Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows.

"That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man.

"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."

Silent Fart

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 00:09:00 +0000

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Golf Course Secretary

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:19:00 +0000

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You have a college degree and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Checking the Goods

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:41:00 +0000

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Cold Cream

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:40:00 +0000

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Little Johnny

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:38:00 +0000

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you are stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

Hunting Buddies

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:18:00 +0000

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

New Hearing Aid

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:59:00 +0000

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art, works perfectly."

"Really? Thats fantastic." answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Three Old Guys are Out Walking

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:58:00 +0000

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday."

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A Couple in Their 90's

noreply@blogger.com (Nifty Nick) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:54:00 +0000

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it."

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down." she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"