I found myself a new crush, SMD Boy. We were supposed to meet today and I was really looking forward to it, but he asked for a raincheck because his frat moved the meeting to a time that I suppose was inconvenient for him. I’m still a little bummed, a lot more sad when I had first received the message. I guess when I heard that, all these thoughts came back.

Anyone who knows me hates it when people flake/cancel on me. I’ve had to deal with it for too long from too many people. I don’t want to hold people like I did JYL when I just kept assuming that she would flake on me. If I have to do that with someone that I like, then it’s not worth it.

So I became bummed out about that and ever since yesterday morning, I’ve been thinking about SB.

SMD Boy and I were texting on Valentine’s Day (I had dinner plans with two of my favorite girls: MP and NN). He ended up getting really wasted. When he had left the bar and gotten some food, he called. I thought he was relatively fine, but apparently not so much. He came over and we watched Zack and Miri. I didn’t let him do anything though; I really like him and lately, I’ve felt cheapened, so I wanted to wait. I let him sleep with me on my bed. When he finally woke up, he was a little startled to see where he was. I guess that he ended up blacking out when he came over last night, so he doesn’t remember the movie at all. I know how to pick them, right?

Anyway, when he did wake, we stayed in bed for a while longer. Again, I wouldn’t let him “hit home,” but he was able to sneak in some fondling. But laying there, it felt so nice. I hadn’t had someone hold me like that for a while. Even when he was sleeping, he held me and caressed me. A big improvement from sleeping next to EC who kept to himself. But he… he didn’t make me feel like an object, he made me feel… different. I can’t explain it, but he did.

Since then, little flashbacks of SB come back. I keep thinking about the times that we were together and how intimate that was and ever since then, I haven’t been able to find anyone who could make me feel the same way. I mean, I know, I fell a little for EC, but that was different. It was so… in a way, cut and dry. We met, had our weekly dates. The third date came around and… well, stuff happened. It was all so “normal,” you know?

But with SMD Boy, it’s definitely not normal. We met for dates, sure, but not always consisting of dinner. And the amount of obscene and dirty jokes we make between us… oh my goodness. (Thus, the reason why he was briefly named “Dirty Dude”)

We still don’t talk on the phone, but I’m smiling again. I looked at him while he was sleeping and I just… I want this to work. I know, he’s graduating this semester, I know he still has to go to med school and I still need to figure out what I want to do, but I want this to work.

I’m so excited and I’m so happy, it’s hard for me to contain it sometimes. I think all of my VSA cabinet, if not then a good chunk of them, know that I’m interested in him. And stupid me, it’s not even official! Goodness me.

Even though I know that I’m happy about this, there’s this somber feeling.

I was talking to a friend of mine and he sent me a song that feeds my feeling. “Come Back To Me” by Utada Hikaru. Most of the lyrics don’t really pertain to me, but a few lines do, such as: “baby come back to me, I’ll be everything you need, baby come back to me, you’re one in a million.” Those same lines are ones that I would’ve sung a year ago, despite knowing that he would have never come back. We had crossed that threshold where we could never regain anything.

I’m really afraid that I’m just going to keep messing things up. That’s why I didn’t want to have sex with SMD Boy. I like him a lot and I would much rather have him respect me and if that means I have to fight to keep my legs closed, I’ll do it. I don’t want to be “easy” and I don’t want our every encounter to always be about sex.

He brings out the cute in me, what can I say? I haven’t been that way in so long, I forgot that I could be cute.

Anyway, I took a massive nap despite the massive load of reading I need to do.

I’ve gone home for the last two weekends.

I’m doing VSA stuff.

NN and I are fine. She just needed time.

I met a cute boy and will have coffee with him tomorrow (mostly because dinner is too formal to ask right away and because I’m really busy during the evenings this week).

JYL will be leaving soon. I had dinner with her last week where we proceeded to do a little bar hopping (wasn’t a lot of hopping, more like a single hop, but is all good).

I went to a party on Friday. I was impressed by my ability to take so many shots in so little time and still be standing by the end of the night (and also waking just as wonderful in the morning). I give major props to myself for that one.

Baklava from Wally’s Cafe is freaking yummy.

Tomorrow starts another busy week.

Retreat was good. We played a lot of ice breakers, most of which were really fun. The view from the house was amazing, especially for the sun sets. I was never fully awake for the sunrises, but I’m sure that would’ve been pretty too.

The drama is unchanged, mostly because I’ve been away and that she hasn’t contacted me. I’m really just in my mode of “let her come to me when she’s ready” kind of a deal.

I actually don’t have much to say, just wanted to briefly update.

But then the next few things puzzled me a little. I had mentioned that her friends had stayed at an off-strip, cheaper hotel and I guess that LP’s friend, VD, may have translated that to NN in a bad manner. I, in no way, never meant to say that they were worse than I was (hell, I had a free room – and was very grateful). I guess I came off as shit-talking and talking down to her friends, so she didn’t like that.

We were also supposed to spend time on Thursday, as I had mentioned, but when I sent her a text to her boyfriend’s phone (she lost her SIM card and hadn’t gotten a new one), she didn’t reply, so I didn’t know if she had his phone or if she was there, so unfortunately, we didn’t get to spend time together.

Anyway, she seemed to be quite upset with me and I didn’t know what to do to make it better. I had already gone back up to Berkeley and couldn’t go see her. I had apologized to her for blowing her off and for coming off wrong (and also tried to defend myself), but I assume that she’s still angry at me. I don’t know what to do, but I also have a “I apologized, nothing more I can do” attitude.

However, she did mention something that ticked me off a little. She said that I shouldn’t have been hanging out with JLI so soon because he was LP’s friend first. Apparently, the rule is that “You don’t hang out with the person the day after you meet them because he was her friend first.” Okay, I can understand particular circumstances in which some like to stake some “claim” into friends (such as people who have a really close friend, like a BFF), but for casual friends, is there really a “claim” to it all? LP didn’t seem to be interested in JLI romantically and I wasn’t (and I don’t think he was) trying to hook up with or date him, so I don’t see anything wrong with the time span.

This isn’t the first time that someone’s thrown the “s/he’s my friend” in my face. A few years ago, someone else had done the same thing to me. I was trying to do her a favor and when the other person wouldn’t allow me to follow through with said favor, I probably ended up flirting a bit to coerce him into doing what she wanted him to do. Did I have any intention with continuing our talk? No. I just wanted to get what my friend had wanted and did it in the ways that I knew how to (in harmless ways). But nope, she blew up at me later on and used what I had done as one of her arguing points.

To me, I think it’s all a bunch of bullshit. If the person isn’t emotionally involved nor completely dependent on the other person, then why should that person prevent friendship or place “rules”? I swear, I hate all these social etiquette rules. What the hell are they for? I figure that if two people know what they are doing and where they stand with one another, then what the hell does it matter what other people say or think? Especially with all the shoulds and should nots?

Anyway, I went climbing again today. I finished two 5.9 routes. I had tried another one, but couldn’t get too far. It’s okay; next time if it’s still there, I’ll try that route again. I went with MH and my Viet 1A classmate, SL. Then we met up with another classmate, (coincidentally another) SL. We ate at this Mediterranean restaurant, Wally’s Cafe, that’s hidden from the public in Emeryville, but the food was delicious. The lentil soup was really good and so was my chicken shawarma sandwich. The best part was topped off with the baklava… Oh my god. It was so delicious, I had to buy two pieces of it just to bring home. I already ate one and am (trying) to save the other piece for tomorrow. I definitely want to come back to that restaurant. The owner was nice and had given us extra pieces of baklava. I made sure to leave a good tip.

Yesterday, I hung out with a fellow VSA member, HN. We watched Get Smart – it was so-so. Then we watched a few episodes of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Man, I loved that show so much when I was a kid. I still think that some parts are corny now, but still good.

Tomorrow, I’m supposed to meet up with JYL because I haven’t seen her since some time last month. I need to give her the overdue Christmas present. Speaking of overdue presents, I was finally able to give NZ his present too. I had bought him the “I Can Has Cheezburger” book and also a Cute Overload page-a-day calendar. The last part is sending him a Stuff On My Cat postcard each week so he gets a new surprise in his mailbox. Yes, we have a large love for kitties. We met up for lunch on Sunday, before I left, at a sushi place near my house, Sushi O Sushi. The food was okay – didn’t really fill me up as much as sushi normally does, but I was really there for his company since I hadn’t seen him in so long.

After I’m done with JYL tomorrow, I’m headed off to a VSA retreat to some place in Danville. No internet, no phone, etc. I’m a little worried about it because I feel as if there’s already some tension going into this retreat and I hope that won’t taint the retreat too much. Just go with an open mind, right? I hope I can do it. After I get back, I get about a day or so of rest and then start school on Tuesday.

Gotta buck up!

Quite eventful and I apologize for not having updated this sooner so I didn’t have to pile this all up like so.

The rest of last week was a little uneventful. On Saturday, I met with my fellow VSA people in order to brainstorm for the Tet Parade coming up soon. We found a story that was good and are going to base it loosely off of that. We had dinner at Cheesecake Factory and then saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. As long as the movie was, I enjoyed it. Plus, who doesn’t love seeing Brad Pitt look like that? I could tell that he had a lot of makeup on though when he was supposed to look younger.

Then Sunday came around and that’s when the drama stated. My dad found out that I failed my AAS class and was definitely not happy. I stayed clear for a while. Sunday, I felt awful, so I called up MP and she took me to Johnny V’s. We talked a bit and she helped me realize that I had pretty much made my bed and now I needed to lie in it. We then decided to go to Dave and Busters and ran into NN working there. She invited us to her coworkers’ poker game (I had met them a few times before). It was a good night. MP left with some money.

Tuesday, I met up with an old friend, LP. She knew about my troubles too and was also helpful with her advice. Since she had to pick me up, I looked for a bar nearby and ended up at the Peacock Lounge. It was a good night there considering it was Tuesday. It was Karaoke night so there were quite a few people going up. Then we headed to Dave and Busters (again, I know) where her other friends were supposed to be. I met a few of them, more noticeably, a JLI. Since his friends were working people, they couldn’t stay out too long, so JLI, LP, and I continued to stay out to find something to do. We stopped by Edgie’s, a pool hall, where they had those TV games and played Photo Hunt for a little bit. Then we got hungry and ended up at Denny’s for late night food.

Wednesday, I went out with another old friend from grade school, ATH. His friend was supposed to play at Brit Arms, but ended up not going, but we went anyway since we liked the bar. We caught up, talked a lot. In the midst of our talking, he got a craving for pho (Vietnamese Noodle Soup), so we headed out to a restaurant that was open late. Then we ended up at a bar right next to my parents’, VIP Oriental. We had a beer and continued to chat. I really liked that bar too and had a good time just talking with him.

Thursday, MP and I met up with LP and her friend, VD. At first, it was just going to be MP and I, but JLI invited us over to his place for a Wii night, so we went. There were quite a few people and I had a fun time just chatting with people. After a few hours, we got hungry and ended up at VIP for some kimchee fried rice and other food.

Last night, I again spent the night with MP, LP, and VD (and others). We had a few drinks at LP’s place (a few Scooby Snacks and a blowjob) before heading downtown. We hit up The Loft first but saw it was a little empty, so we headed over to Vivid, a dance club, and danced a little. We got a little bored with the music selection, so we headed back to The Loft. The dance floor was smaller, but the music definitely better. I had a good time dancing with my friends and one of MP’s friends, H. He was a good dancer and he wasn’t trying to hump me like a lot of guys do in clubs. We were genuinely just having a good time dancing with one another. JLI ended up coming out after all, but came a little late. It was all good though.

As for today… I am inside. For now. I think I will be heading to a library later with JLI to read (he’s studying since school already started for him). I want to finish The Joy Luck Club anyway.

Peace out y’all.

Since we were already in downtown, we stopped by Britannia again for a little bit. For a bar, I’m surprised at their music mixes which have been good every time I’ve stopped by. I think I’ve found my new favorite bar, right next to the rock mix I heard at Johnny V’s.

God I love being 21.

During the last week, I didn’t do much. On Saturday, I had lunch with EC at a restaurant, Dat Thanh. I had just gotten yelled at by my dad so his coming to get me at noon was good timing. It gave me some time to get out of the house. We had a pleasant eating. I had lost my appetite due to the stress at home, but he was nice. I guess I still miss him a little, but it’s not strong enough for me to act on it.

Sunday night I had dinner at my aunt’s house in Fremont. It was a party of eight: my aunt and her husband, my cousin and his wife, my sister and her boyfriend, my brother and I. We talked a lot and it was a good chill dinner.

I don’t know where I caught it, but I ended up with a bug the day after. I’ve been sneezing since Monday. Even though I was sick, I still went out. I couldn’t not! It was NYE!

Anyway, I should go read. I finished The Tapestries by Kien Nguyen last week and now I’m onto Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Murakami. It’s a little odd and part mystery, so I can’t put this down until I figure out what’s going on.

… Nevermind. Unscrewing it did help. Currently fixing it as we speak.

…Oh my god. There was a piece of styrofoam stuck… barely stuck, but stuck enough to prevent the gears from turning.

Other than that, my day today was relatively uneventful. On Tuesday night, I thought that I could have dinner with JYL, CZ, and NZ, but JYL couldn’t make it down, so I changed my dinner plans and ate at Gordon Biersch with MP and NN. The food was alright, but it was more the company that I wanted since I hadn’t seen both of them at the same time since they came up for the Axio party in August. I had seen MP and NN since then, but all three of us hadn’t been together in a while.

After dinner, we wanted dessert since our selection at Gordon Biersch was quite mediocre. We walked around downtown San Jose for a bit until we landed next to the Christmas in the Park and the Fairmont Hotel. Since it was a classy hotel, we figured it might serve desserts. Luckily for us it did. We ordered a few drinks and chocolate fondue. The drinks were bad and the chocolate alright. Again, the company was more important than the food itself.

Just as we were heading back to the cars, we ran into a friend, D. I hadn’t seen D since two years ago, right before I moved back up to Berkeley. D and NN had a good friendship and had many countless intoxicated nights together. Anyway, we ran into him outside Fahrenheight, the ultralounge. He had us come inside for a bit while we tried to chat. Nhi ordered us a round of Patron (I know, bad move on my part since I drove). We drank and then left D since we had to leave (my mother wanted me to come back with the car since it was late – I’m not on their insurance policy). It was a random encounter, but a good one.

Since that night, I’ve been just spending time at the house. That night, when I returned, I couldn’t sleep at all. I went to bed around 2:30 or so and woke around 4 and after that, could not sleep. I kept tossing and turning, drifting in and out of consciousness. I finally gave up trying to sleep around 8. I ended up crashing later though after I had walked around the neighborhood a bit. It was completely odd since I never had any issues falling asleep unless I’m sick. I didn’t feel sick except for the headache I felt when I decided to get up.

Anyway, tomorrow I’m meeting up with ALL, a friend from high school. We’re planning to get our nails done and whatever else awaits for us.

Night!

I had to perform for my Viet presentation; I sang a pop song. I was really nervous and probably sounded awful. A classmate of mine went up and did an a capella version of “Silent Night.” He was awesome. Definitely surprised the class, for sure. I would say I was gonna miss the class, but a lot of us are coming back for the next semester, so it’s not all too bad.

I had wanted to drink after my Astro final, but no one did. Losers. On one of the nights, I met up with a friend JG, and we drank a beer and watched V for Vendetta. At least it was something right? Friday night I went over to JL’s just to chill. Kind of ended up passing out for about an hour then headed home. I would have crashed there, but I had my contacts in and it would have been very uncomfortable to sleep in them.

Saturday, I went indoor climbing for the first time with a classmate/friend, SL. It was fun and very tiring on the arms. It’s quite easy to get calluses too if you don’t keep your hand moisturized. Then afterward, he said he would be able to drive me home, so I had less than an hour to pack for three weeks. Hopefully, I didn’t forget anything. I brought a lot of stuff too. It was a little funny because when my mom saw him, I wanted to clarify with her that he was just a friend, but she said that I should make a relationship with him. Why? It’s because he’s Viet, tall, a Berkeley student (graduated now), older, and apparently, cute. Whether or not anything will happen, I don’t know. I’m just leaving myself open for the possibilities. Don’t want to close all the windows, you know?

Now I’m here on break and since I was so rushed, I didn’t get much of a chance to grab a lot of things, so I went to the library. Hopefully I’ll be entertained.

Anyway, I don’t know what else to write. Happ

Thursday, uneventful?

Friday, was planning to go out with JYL and CZ, but CZ was too tired and then JYL backed out. By the time she told me, I was practically done with getting ready, so I didn’t want the night to end. I ended up calling a friend, DP, to go out with me. It was his 20th birthday on Friday, but he was able to borrow a friend’s ID, so we hit up a bar. I bought him two cups of beer, a shot of Patron, and a long island. We were a little rushed by the time we got to the long island (I actually ordered myself a Midori Sour), so DP drank it quickly.

Bad idea. Majorly.

That thing hit him so hard that by the time we got to the party (not his party, but just a party), he was out of it. We tried to dance, but he was dancing rather aggressively. I was pushed up against the wall and then when we switched, he started falling. Long story short, he puked, passed out, and luckily, there was someone there to help me take him home… Well, my home since I didn’t know where he lived. DP passed out on my floor and I was so concerned for his well-being that I slept on the floor too.

Saturday, was the VSA end-of-semester banquet. It was quite lovely and very emotional since the president was on his way out (he graduates this semester). The banquet made me realize that I have finally found my new family; I didn’t need the SOPi girls or anybody else. VSA has become my new family and I’m excited to start the next semester with them. After the banquet was the after-party. It was fun, met a cute boy who lives next door to me (literally; I could see his window from my window probably), but he hasn’t called, so oh well.

Sunday, paintballing! I went paintballing for the first time with a few VSA people. It was fun, very cold, and tiring. Overall, it was an awesome time. I didn’t leave without some battle scars though. Since it was my first time, I didn’t know to wear a long sleeve, so I was out there with a t-shirt. It was very cold in Davis, so when I got hit, my skin would break and start bleeding. Nothing too major though; I don’t mind a few battle scars here and there; it makes me feel tougher.

Monday through now, last week of school. I have a final on Saturday, Tuesday, and then Friday. I just need Saturday and Tuesday to be done with because those are my AAS and Astro finals, respectively. The Friday final is Viet 1A and I’m really not too worried about that one. I’m supposed to have a presentation of some sort and I think I’m going to be singing. I paired up with someone who can play the guitar, so we’re going to sing a slow song called “Cô Bé Mùa ?ông” (Winter Girl). It’s cute and relatively short, so hopefully I’ll be fine.

Anyway, need to make some breakfast and start my studying now!

Then, cram, cram, cram.

So far this week has been pretty uneventful. I helped VSA out last night with the concession stand for the home basketball game we had. I swear, it was like work all over again. I had assigned myself to popcorn making and was pretty much standing on my feet for about six hours. I wasn’t planning on staying for the entire time, but it was fun just to be with those people, so I stayed. Even though the people supervising us were chill (they let us eat, etc), I realized that they are dirty as all hell.

For example, I had filled a few too many bags of popcorn. So they told me to dump the popcorn and reuse the bags, even though there were oil spots on the bags. They weren’t completely meticulous with the cleaning. Some of the food were stale, like the hot dog buns and the nachos. Completely gross and probably in violation of some health codes.

Totally gross.

Now I have a lot of reading to catch up on because I missed so many lectures. Damn me. Well, not that it’s really a plus, but if I don’t pass my AAS class now, I can retake it next semester with a teacher who’s supposedly a lot easier to pass with. I like this semester’s professor; he’s good, and also considering the GSI I have, I didn’t score too well on stuff.

Well, I should try and be somewhat productive…